The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - I Need It (feat. Lisa Ann & Bret Raybould)

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

Lisa Ann explains why she is banned from NYC venues and Bob has a glorious day after a nightmare of an evening.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly We're back We're back I don't like dumb dumb hat guys Jamiroquai I don't like hats. I'll be honest with you. I don't like his hat either. I don't like his hat I like his voice Hat is smooth as voices with hat stupid hats dumb as shit dumb as shit Although you don't like anyone with a crazy hat I turned on slash in his hat. I like his voice. Hat is smooth. His voice is smooth. Hat's stupid. Hat's dumb as shit.

Dumb as shit. Although you don't like anyone with a crazy hat. You've turned on Slash and his hat. I just think it's time to lose the hat. If you can't, it comes with the hair. We have two great guests on the show today, everybody. They're show Better Hams on SiriusXM, Raw Comedy, Channel 99 Fridays at 10 AM, 5 PM, and 10 PM,

and anytime on the SiriusXM app. It is the great returning to the show, Lisa Ann and Brett Raybold, everybody. All right. Hello, hello, hello. Radio City Music Hall's newest blacklisted. I'm actually blacklisted from all MSG locations, including The Sphere and Madison Square Garden.

And every single thing that James Dolan has a fingerprint on, so James, listen, here's how we're gonna work this out. I've already sent the email to try and straighten this out. I did get to go to the game because I have such a great history at MSG. But, you know, he was on Raya for a minute. This whole situation has really made me

want to go to dinner with him. What is Raya? It's a dating app. And he's very good at backgammon, and I'm impressed by that because I didn't know anybody but my older aunts that were good at backgammon. So I was like, do I have to learn backgammon? Then I used that as like my ploy.

Like, hey, James. Because I'm not after his money, and I do want to get off of this list. But also, I do need to teach him how to train the staff. I'm fucking kidding me right now. Well, again, we only know the story from TMZ. You got to introduce the other guy. Hey, what's up guys?

Brett Raybould here. I am allowed at every James Dolan establishment in America. You suck. Still doing good. Of course you are. You're allowed in every establishment. Oh, he's bouncing from the beacon to the garden. The beacon is one of them, isn't it?

Yeah, because they gave me a business card with a list of all of them. I'm like, man, I didn't do all of these. This is where you're not welcome anymore? Yes, yes, but thanks, we can stay and watch this game, but we're gonna have somebody watching you. It also is, some part of it though, at least for the short term, it's kind of dope to be like,

I'd love to go see Madonna, but I can't legally. Reminder, we can swear on this channel. Of course. Thank fucking God, okay. Yeah, you get fucking. To rewind to go back to that and tell you what I know now, some bitch in the business that hates me set me up with a feverish masturbator

that's on her OnlyFans page that works at Radio City Music Hall. And I made the mistake that day of going onto an IG. You gotta slow down between words. Her apartment has red yarn. Yeah, that sounded like one word. Yeah. It was one flowing sentence.

Yes, a friend, a woman from the industry who I haven't seen since 2014, but still carries that torch of hate to such a degree, picked up on the fact that I made a fatal mistake. And since these people have hated me, one of the things I never do is I can't do Instagram stories live anywhere. I can't say where I'm

going and I have to do everything in past tense the only time I'll promote that I'm gonna be somewhere now is like a here or an event where there's security and like stalkers and stuff and weirdos it's not stalkers it's the haters it's the girls that are just hating so there's a feverish masturbator that is a fan that watches a lot of porn and by the way I do own the domain feverish masturbator Jay got t-shirts made for tour dates go to Sidebar you should have done that for the parents for hours on the phone with go-gat

Go daddy today working on some email Conungems and some things with some domains. And I had to sit with this nice woman and she's trying to read the list of domains. I'm like, don't go through them, I own 400. She's like, what's this one, feverish? I said, it's feverish masturbators. And you probably don't know what it is,

I don't need to explain it, but it drops into my YouTube channel. So back to this. So star gets fan, who knows I go to Radio City all the time but I never say I was there until the day after. I make the fatal mistake on a Sunday afternoon announcing that I'm excited to be going to the 8 p.m. show. So before I even walked in there,

this was happening to me when I got there. This was really a method to just try to, let's humiliate her, let's create a bad experience, but again, this is the world we live in. Can you tell me? What's the personal thing they have with you? What's the personal? A lot of things.

But can you tell me, just to back up in case somebody doesn't understand what happened to you. So I was sitting watching the show, I got to see both the opens, everything was fine. Now mind you, we got in 45 minutes early before anyone was there. Who opened that night? He was on our show, DeStefano. Nice.

He was great. Well, you got to see one heartthrob, at least. We get there 45 minutes early because my friend got us seats two rows from the stage. I was going to take a picture and send it to Matt because Matt and I had actually done a one-off show for raw comedy together. That's how this show was inspired with me and Brett.

So I take this photo and in the photo. So it was supposed to be Matt Rife instead of him? No. But he is significantly. Matt Rife already did one. It was a one off for last Valentine's Day. And then they got the idea. No, Brett dude, your dick's way bigger

and your body's way better. Yeah, I'm glad to be here, glad to be here. I like you better, dude. Me too. You're attainable. No. No. So I take a quick photo.

Not a square. When nobody is in the venue yet and in the photo I see the guy behind me just looks like he hates my guts. I look at the photo, I'm sitting down with my girlfriend and next thing you know six security guys come over, they're like, you know you can't have your phone out. I'm like, I know, but no one's here yet. I'm gonna put it away right now.

Forget it, I won't post the photo, da da. Put my phone in my purse, put it in the back of the chair. Both opening acts come out, Matt's out for maybe five minutes, same guy, and I'm looking at the stage this way, and the rows are this way, so stage front would be, he was over there, same guy, out of nowhere, this guy's face is in my face again,

he's like, ma'am, you have to leave. And I don't wanna make a scene, it's two rows from the stage. You don't have your phone out at all. No, my phone's in my bag, in my purse, on the back of my chair. And I'm like, okay, I'll just walk out with them and I'll explain myself because you can look at the data on someone's phone to see if they were on it.

You could look at the cameras. There's many ways that I believe I can rectify this. By the time I get out front, they're like, okay, you have to leave. And I'm like, no, my friends spent three grand for these tickets. No, let's look at the cameras. What?

Three grand? Our tickets are 35 bucks.'s look at the camera. What what yeah, three grand tickets of 35 bucks I'm pitching so many promo codes two rows from the stage is three grand. You can see us tomorrow for 38 bucks Bucks they would be coming to see us. Unfortunately, they're not coming to see us for 75 bucks I negotiated as long as I could. Hey, check the camera. And they give me a good seven minutes. And they're like, if you don't leave right now,

you're getting arrested. I'm like, well, let's do that. Because if I can't see the show, I'd at least like to have some good content. I'd like a great experience. I know all the fucking cops. I'm not going to get into these two Jamoc rookies I'd never seen before.

Jamoc. Wait, wait, wait. What are you, the rock? Wait, wait, wait, you're watching too much wrestling. Not even that, she goes, I like the way she goes, what are you, a new kid? Hey, who's the fucking, who's the green kid over here, huh? No one's telling the ropes, dude?

She pulls out a PBA card, call McNally. The best part about it is that you can shoot an eight second video and you can create your own content and then you can send it to one news network and know that no one else is ever going to vet whether you got arrested or not, which is very easy. But every story had changed. One I was arrested for beating up a cop. By the way, I was never arrested.

You weren't? No. No. But when they were walking me to the ambulance after they kept me outside for 45 minutes, I was like, bros, I'm gonna put you a fucking camera tomorrow, you're gonna be on blast. My 4.6 milli are gonna wonder why you fucked with me all night.

Why they put you in the ambulance? Because you don't put any periods over four paragraphs? That was gonna be, they needed me to do, they couldn't get a cop to come and take me to the police station for trespassing. No one would pick me up for that. So they brought in an ambulance to evaluate me to see if I was medically fit to be out.

And the paramedic just like, was like appalled. She was like, this is ridiculous. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You should just go home. This is nuts. She's like, but I can't take you in. There's nothing wrong with you. And I was explaining it.

She's like this, and I'm like, yeah. So there we go. They didn't charge you with an ambulance bill, did they? No, I didn't get, we didn't travel in it. We just walked to it. It was all I needed was that she's like this, and I'm like, yeah, so there we go. They didn't charge you with an ambulance bill, did they? No, I didn't get, we didn't travel in it. We just walked to it. It was all I needed was that eight seconds. I remember looking at my girlfriend going, this is your one shot.

You better get a good video right here. Cause it was nothing, against the wall, it's not exciting. It's no movement. Were they taking you out? You're like, Attica, Attica. They're trying to keep a black man down. They're afraid of my black success. And this is why I am not the better half,

because Brett doesn't have people that hate him yet, like people hate me. I can't wait to get there. Why do you think that there's no, you know the person, you're saying, for sure. I know the person for sure. And by the way. There's no paranoia to this at all.

Oh, messages, screen grabs from the masses have you this person bragging about doing this So I did this to you. Oh this person's been bragging to people that they don't know I still talk to you What's where what world are they from porn? Of course? Oh, okay, somebody do something is fucking stupid. We're also bitches this petty But doesn't it see like how do they get to like, the trickle down to, like, the staff at Radio City? Fans, feverish masturbator. Feverish masturbator. All you need is one feverish fucking masturbator, guys,

and you can have whatever you want. That's what we should have did for the Paramount. Yeah. We should have filled it with feverish masturbators. We really should have. Hey, these feverish masturbators, we got a couple tickets left at the old Paramount Theater tomorrow in Huntington, New

York. $37, can we drop the price? You can't use your phone, but you can jerk off in the front row. And you get 5% off all of your OnlyFans subs for the next two months. Like, if you can break a deal with OF. Brace it.

If you come and bring all of your friends tomorrow to the Huntington, New York Paramount Theater, you can use your phone all you like. I wish I could. I will be in Vegas. I'm going out for March Mayhem for Sapphire. So I'll be in Vegas. tomorrow to the Huntington, New York Paramount Theater. You can use your phone all you like. You're the first. I could, I will be in Vegas. I'm going out for March Mayhem for Sapphire. So I'll be in Vegas. I fly out in the morning.

Brett, can you send some of your fans down tomorrow night? I mean, my mom will take a plane ride to your show. No, no, I need your feverish masturbators. I have my mom. Everyone's creepy stalkers. Don't doubt the will of Cranks. Don't doubt that you don't have fans following you around that way.

I know you don't want to say who the porn person is. I will not say it. Is it an actress in the biz? It is an actress. Is she current? I would say a mattress. From what era? What era?

I'm not even gonna make you confirm her names. The now era, like been around for a long time. The Now era? Still making porn. Oh really? I don't know a ton of the Now era. I should hit you in the ass. Is she jealous of you that you moved on

and you're doing it right? I don't know, we haven't discussed this. It's just crazy how our paths intersect this way. Every couple of years something happens where she just gets her panties in a bunch for me and then just does whatever she can to try and make my life living hell. I have an idea. I have an idea. Pandora Peaks you cunt. Oh remember her? Do you remember Pandora Peaks? I'm just gonna keep guessing old porn stars. Brett what's your idea?

Terry Weigel you cunt. Terry Weigel doesn't have a mean bone in her body. I'm saying pay-per-view with you and this this porn star, pay per view, fight night. Yeah. No, you don't fight. You're a lover. You are staring at me like I'm the person who. OK, who's collecting the money and how much more do I get than this other person?

I'm not cutting the deal, Lisa. Don't get mad at me like I'm not the promoter. It's a business. I'm not looking at you right now. Who's getting the money? Hey, you fight her, and I'll fight all the plumbing guys last night at my show that I bombed at. How's that?

Everyone gets a little. I'll fight them all. Oh me? I'll be standing around like it's a cockfight waving money with a fucking sombrero on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jay's the ring girl. First of all, Lisa just held my hand. I'm working on my ring girl. Jay.

I like it. That side eye right there, the ring girl, that's the side eye. And then I do this and then when I walk off and they put the camera in my face, I go. Or you know what they're doing now too, a little bit, sometimes they're coming off and doing this move. The heart. Yeah, yeah. Also Lisa, can you back this up?

Is this a pretty good arena wave? I'm working on my arena wave. It's hands completely distended. No, that's not. It's too fast, Jay. That's a float wave. Okay, let's talk about it. I'm gonna ring the bell at the Sixers game one day.

And I'm going to ring the third time. They're going to go, everybody, give it up one more time for Big Jay Ogreson. Yeah. No, that's still Macy's Day parade wave. You know, it's just too floppy. And also, there's a whole arena, and I'm so happy. I get it.

But let's connect the two and have some forearm, you know, kind of movement, you know It doesn't have to be like at like the the queen right like this You need lessons from Matt right on the arena way Lisa Lisa just held my hand and I held it Don with the other hand, told her you're not coming home. Yeah.

I held your hand because you said you bombed a show last night. I know that's not a good feeling. I held it. It felt so good. It felt so good. Because you don't have a plant as word from having your own jewelry business for three months. Three months?

Yeah. She made her own earrings for like three months and then got some wart that you have cut out No, God bless bad metals. She's a bad metals. Those are so soft Yes, buddy. I'm sorry today was supposed to be a big afternoon for you. It was a big It was a big afternoon Well, can we first say how your night ended yesterday because yeah, I had a very bad night I bought I did a private event for some money and when you say private it's not the

privates that I know where you're like doing stuff on the side I actually wish you was I would have had at least I would have had fun too Bobby Bobby got the community equivalent of a 15 BBC gangbang it was taxing very taxing I was it was just a bad, I mean I... Bobby got blacked, but really what he got was plummered. It was just the, I mean they just, it was 200 people not listening at the show I was at, and they, there's one, I forgot to tell you,

there's one part... At least you made no connections for your wife to get free plumbing. I made nothing. Is this why you took the gig? My wife, no, my wife signed the papers to make me take the gig. I was gonna say no.

And then she wrote him a bit about how they like and need fancy new plumbing supplies. Yeah, she went, the factories in Poland, I'm Polish, make something up about that. That's what she told me. But in the middle I have a bit where I, snow tubing bit, I went deep too, I went deep tracks,

because I ran through 45 minutes in eight minutes. That's how that works. I mean, I was at- Oh, it's like when you take all your clothes off on the first song. Like you go out there and you're so like, no one's paying attention, then you're out there for five more songs.

Like, what do I do now? I better fist myself. The parallels are glaring. I fisted myself in front of them. I mean, it's so bad, dude. I'm like, I started going back into like my first album. I started. And then there's one joke that I have where I scream,

coming down the mountain, I'm like, you know, ah, I scream, but then it's, God, no, help! I scream that into the microphone. It's the only part where everybody in the room stopped, looked at me like, what the fuck? Because it sounded like somebody was feeding me. Like, who's the fire inspector? Somebody like, they just stopped, looked at me,

and they just went right back to talking. Oh, man. That probably felt authentic, though, to them. It's like, no, he's not doing an act out. He actually is saying, God, please help. I was having a breakdown on Zay. This next segment is brought to you by Metro. What is not a yada yada?

It's a fun way of saying something serious. No BS, which is important during tax season. Metro won't screw you over with surprises, tricks, secrets, gotchas, or bullshit. Switching to Metro means saying no to compromise. It's a very fun show. Eleanor Kerrigan hung out with us to talk about Philly cuisine,

which is pretty much sandwiches. But we are serious about our gravy. By the way, Rocco texted me the other day, he said, hey, when I come to Philly next time, I'll get a place near you, and we'll cook and do the gravy. I'm like, I would love that. I would love to make the gravy with Rocco.

Yeah, he does make good gravy, right? He's a good cook. I've never had it. It's gravy. It's sauce. Oh, my fault does make good gravy. He's a good cook. I've never had it. It's gravy. It's sauce. Oh, my fault. It's gravy. It's not a gravy.

Oh, you garbage filet. Well, because, no, we come from a place where the food culture is dominated Italian. You come from a culture whose food culture is dominated blotchy Irish. Let's boil it until the flavor comes out of it and then serve it. That's not true.

My Irish, French, Canadian grandmother made a great sauce. The chicken looks like it has cancer too. She made a great sauce. Everything's all chewy and freckly out there. Gravy is brown. Gravy's brown. Yeah, meat gravy is brown.

Beef gravy is brown. Turkey gravy is like beige. We put meat in the red sauce. So if you're just making marinara, that's different. Like there's usually no meat in it. It's just tomato sauce. If you have meat in it, it's called a bolognese. It's a bolognese.

No, no, no. Gallete puto. Bolognese is off, they just put like the ground beef in it. That's meat sauce. We're talking about meat that has bones in it still. You put pork, pieces of pork in there. Sure. Sauce. No. It's pork, pieces of pork in there. Sure. Sauce.

No. It's a sauce. It's a gravy. It's not gravy. I don't know. My mom still says gravy. I mean, maybe because we're outnumbered. I'm Irish, but we're outnumbered where I grew up.

It's Italian, where I grew up. And they taught my mom how to. I'm just Jewish, but we had to lean into Italian food. Where did you live? I'm kidding. What the fuck? Where'd they put you? Uh, were you on the main line?

Over Brook Park, it was the Jews and black. That was a Jewish and black neighborhood. Yeah, you guys wouldn't talk if you still lived in Philly. No. Don't you dare. We'd be best friends. Look at this guy. Besties, yeah, I'm in South Philly.

This guy's making gravy. Is he saying gravy? Yep. Okay, because people do get me out, so I'm gonna, but my friends say I'm making macaroni and gravy. That's how bad they take it. I'm like, all right, now you've gone too far. This guy has gravy for blood, fat fuck.

He's got a lot of sugar in his gravy. Oh, every famous food person in Philly is on the verge of death always. Tony Luke always looks like he's dying when you see him. They're always like, they all get like fat goiter necks. Yeah, yeah. But they never stop putting cheese on it. They just keep slapping cheese.

First of all, the cheesesteak cheese spatula is an amazing piece of equipment. It's just a piece of wood, and they just slap it down the middle of the cheesesteak like that. Do you do cheese whiz? Yeah, oh yeah, I'll do a whiz. I mix them up.

I do whiz in American. White American. Just close it up. White American's the best. White, yes. White American. Just close the arteries right up. Oh yeah.

I do a cheesesteak, I do with Previlon cheese or white cheese on a cheese steak. What do you call white cheese? American cheese. Yeah, yeah American white American white American You know they you know, they call American cheese in Belgium cheese cheese American cheese there's a couple of Philly things that uh, I There's a couple of Philly things that I liked even growing up. Actually, as an adult, I don't know why as an adult I've tried and do enjoy Scrapple. Even knowing what it is.

Oh, I can't eat it. I know what it is. I'm repulsed by what it is. You know what it is? But it's good. You eat it? I love a Scrapple. Oh, God.

It's just salt. Yeah. Yeah, my brother Jimmy was, I think, the only one that ate it out of all 10 of us. Is that a Phillyble. Oh, God. It's just salt. Yeah. Yeah, my brother Jimmy was, I think, the only one that ate it out of all 10 of us. Is that a Philly thing? No, yeah. Yes, the Scrabble's Philly. It's a Philly.

It's a Philly. I like pork roll, I'll take that. Pork roll's pretty good. I bet you do. Pork roll, I bet you do. I didn't like pork roll, because pork roll was the reason I didn't eat lunch. The pinker the better.

Oh. I didn't eat lunch in school a lot, because lunch would be pork roll, and I'm like, uh. Really? I don't know if I could take it at school. School lunch, pork roll? Because I wouldn't eat lunch in school a lot because lunch would be pork roll and I'm like Really? I don't know if I could take it at school No, are they gonna cut it from No way was a thick hunk With like a film on the outside

It's my dad used to make a spam and eggs at the typewriter store. It's good people love spam and eggs on a hot plate I like it Like spam sushi. Oh, look at that scrabble. So yeah, we thought we were highfalutin' trash. Everyone grew up frozen foods in your fridge, but we were Stouffer's Mac and Cheese, which by the way, is the mac and cheese

they serve you at Wawa now. My mom won't let me do that one, yeah. Stouffer's Mac and Cheese is good. And Stouffer's also made a cream chip beef. You provide your own toast. Sure. But it's just a bag. We have it in my freezer right now.

Nuh-uh. My mother's house. Absolutely. And I have Ileo's pizza, too. It's some real trash. Ileo's pizza was the shit, the square? Yeah. My mom used to make crema tuna.

Ew. I mean, oh. It's crazy. Ew. Boo, boo, boo your mother. Tuna fish, tuna fish with cream of mushroom soup and then peas on top of white rice. There was rice involved? Minute rice, minute rice. Was this on purpose?

We had that three times a week. Was there an explosion? Three times a week. Was there nothing left? Was this a famine in Boston? Dawn refuses to make it for me. I'm like, just make it for her. To say that a Stouffer's cream chip beef serves 2.5

is false, it's one person per bag. Agreed. To make my brother Bobby would fight over it constantly. But it's a bag, Bobby. It's just a loose bag. And then when you heat it up, when you put it in, it's frozen. Boiled water.

Yeah, when you put it in there and it gets soft, and then the bag, and then you have to cut it, and you're really, It's piping hot. It looks nasty when you're plating it. It really does. I don't think I could eat it now. I haven't had it in years. Shit, I could.

Cream of tuna is very similar. No. Nope. Nothing, not even close. It should be. Bring up cream of tuna. It looks exactly like your pork cheek fish. I don't know what kind of abuse you were under as a child,

but it wasn't good. Cream of tuna is the same, it looks the same exact way except with... Cream of tuna. It's the same thing. I bet you that is made with some type of soup. How can you feel that way? Yes. And you add two more ingredients to what you're saying and you have DJ Lou's classic tuna

surprise. Which I didn't mind until the night you came. Bobby, no, you should not mind it. You made a real scene about it. There you go. No. Okay. I see what you're saying, that it's the same... It's the same day. Bobby, no, you should not mind it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You made a real scene about it. There you go. No, okay. I see what you're saying, that it's the same. It's the same consistency.

No, they want you to eat it, it's served the same way, over home toast. You can have it over toast, or rice, or rice. No, I see the rice right there. And you can put your cream-chip beef over rice, too. No. What are you talking about? You're sickening.

Not only, very few things in the world do I give a shit about white bread being involved. Don't care anymore. I'll do wheat everything. Yeah, yeah. Whatever the healthier bread is, it's fine. Put a nut on it. You absolutely need white bread for this.

And white bread I do for open face turkey leftovers. With what? Cranberry sauce? It depends. Turkey with what? I'll just do mayo some time for the sandwich. Gravy, exactly. Yeah, sure. Yeah, turkey with gravy. You want to blow your mind right now? I would love to. What kind of gravy? What kind? Turkey with what? Gravy. Gravy, exactly. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, turkey with gravy. You wanna blow your mind right now? What kind of gravy? What kind of gravy are you using? It's turkey gravy. Okay, nah, not me. Beef gravy. Beef gravy's good too.

I buy the beef gravy. It's the browner. How can you call that gravy and then call the other thing gravy? Because we put meat in it. You can't know. There's meat in it, lots of meat. This is gravy.

It says on the container, it says beef gravy. You're in your own fucking world in Philadelphia. Yeah, we are. There's meat in it, lots of meat. This is crazy. It says on the container, it says beef gravy. You're in your own fucking world in Philadelphia. Yeah, we are. Don't come in it. That's your dirty Philly and you're sneaking out. I really did. Damn dude, if Steven Singer was here, we'd jump your ass. Yeah, I'm wearing shell tops right now.

You're fucking smashing with a Gold Rose. Little hot gravy on my lap. You don't buy like the spaghetti gravy, you buy, like you buy a sauce. Like I would call it sauce, if someone goes, you have a jar of ragu is sauce. You're buying tomato sauce. Then it says, if you're making it at home,

you're making a gravy. Sauce. Does Chris, wait a minute, do you make, do you? Can you just agree to disagree, how about that? I hate that saying. No, that's not a radio show. Yeah, that sucks. He goes, you know what?

Talk, rave, you call sauce, we're gonna dip out early today. You know what? Everyone's got a new special out. Let's close it up, let's close it up, guys. What do you say, I say, let's go. Get back to the... Bobby, I'm gonna change your opinion on this.

Changed, all right, let's kick out early. Let's go. Jacob, we'll see you tomorrow. Why don't you put rice on it? Yeah, I checked out on that too. I like rice, I love rice. I've never had rice. What?

No, fuck it, I'm leaving. Shut the show down, Lou, play a song. What? Yeah, never. You've never eaten rice ever? Nope. In your life? Never.

That's nuts. That's not true. See what you're dealing with, Jay? 100% true. How have you never accidentally bumped in the right? Well. I'll explain it. Please.

I have six brothers. You saw the Lost Boys? They were a problem. You saw the Maggots? Yes, that. I'll explain it. Please. I have six brothers. You saw the Lost Boys. They were a problem. You mean it's maggots? Yes, that's what they told me. That when you eat it, it turns into maggots in your stomach. It does. He showed me the maggots.

I didn't know it was because that was in the garbage. He was like, look, this is all rice. But it was real maggots. That's enough. That's a good reason. And that was it. Yeah, what did we learn today, Jay? That it's called gravy.

It's not gravy. It's sauce No, no, no. Oh, that's a lot of nada nada. Yada. Yada. No, none of that. That's yada. Yada. Yada You would say it's yada. Yada. It's yada. Yada. Tell you it's not a yada. Yada. No, it's yada. Yada. I'm a metro guy Nobody wants to hear a Boston guys. Yada. Yada about spaghetti sauce You're not a nada no, but don't take yada yada about spaghetti sauce. You're nada nada. No, but don't take yada yada in life. Don't take yada yada from your wireless provider. Metro by T-Mobile has no contracts, no credit checks, no surprises, and nada yada yada.

Stop at one of over 6,000 Metro stores nationwide. I wanna tell you about a couple of things you missed that I thought you would've enjoyed sharing with us at the Gary Clark album release thing. Sure. Because Bobby had to miss most of this Gary Clark show in a loft, in Soho, it was such a cool situation. And we were, but again, bad audience, everyone talking there, because it's this industry thing,

no one's giving a shit, except the people right up front and us are very much giving a shit, he's killing it, by the way, but before he came on, this was pretty funny. I thought it was a little person. I thought a midge was coming out to give some really low energy speeches in this very loud room about the charity they're doing and no one really giving a shit.

And he goes, but before we bring out the man of the hour, I'm gonna bring out another person who's gonna talk to you. And that person was smaller. A smaller midget came out. before we bring out the man of the hour, I'm gonna bring out another person who's gonna talk to you. And that person was smaller. A smaller midget came out. And then he gave some speech about some stuff. Then he made it, he goes, how many people in here consider themselves a musician?

And a bunch of people didn't clap, and he goes, give it a round of applause for yourselves, right? And everybody clapped, and he goes. But his hands couldn't get together. I'm sorry, he goes, repeat after me. He goes. He give it a round of applause for yourselves, right? And everybody clapped and he goes. But his hands couldn't get together. I'm sorry. He goes, repeat after me. He goes, he couldn't clap. And then the crowd did it and he goes, now you're musicians.

All right, everyone, now we're going to bring out our performer. He's got a new album coming out Friday. He's absolutely amazing. But I'm going to let the other guy say his name. And then the other midget comes back on. He goes, Gary Clark Jr. and it was all discombobulated like there was no it's like a college introduction you get college shows this next comic Bobby Kelly's

coming to the stage he's been on tv Bobby Kelly oh my god the worst college introduction i've ever had from performing at a college was uh there was no signs that said comedy night or anything related to comedy and i was backstage and the student union person who booked me Walked up to the stage said the following views and opinions Expressed by the next performer do not reflect the views and opinions of Kenyon University And then she walked off the stage and then the student union girl I was with went go David Dukes about to step up here. You walked out, black people are different.

What? What? What? What? Kenyan school also. Well then, so then, we, after the show, we go, we get to bullshit with Gary for a while, which was awesome.

That was wild. And that kinda brought Bobby, his night, a little bit back together. We were all on our roof, smokin', bullshittin', havin' a good time. We leave, I go, hey, I drove down. Bobby, want me to drive you back to your car on 50th? I said, that'd be great.

That'd be great. You know what I mean? Like a ride in New York at the end of a shit night is like so, oh. It's saving you from one more potential disaster. You're gonna fight with a cab driver, an Uber driver's gonna suck, it's gonna smell in his car, he's gonna be eating.

It's such a great direct route. I'm going uptown to go to my place, I'm gonna drop off Lou at Penn Station, I'm gonna drop off Jacob on 49th to his training yesterday, and Bobby's on 50th. It's a sweet ride. Gives us plenty of time to recap in the car and do some of it.

I was working on these all night. So cool. And my other one was, guys good. I actually said at one point, I actually said, I went, it's beautiful. I told Jacob we were driving down to the store, I go, Jacob, I'm just practicing for later. So cool. Beautiful. I told Jacob we were driving down the road,

I go, Jacob, I'm just practicing for later. So cool. He's cool. But we, but. Oh, that guy's good. Every road going up, for some reason, was they were doing construction. So we have to take detour after detour,

but it was okay, because we're in the car, we're laughing, Jay's in control of the music and making us laugh and putting on good songs. We're having a great time. And we make it, it takes a little while, a little longer than it should've up to. We drop Lou off. These are the road closures.

Then we do, yeah, road closures everywhere for some six app, whatever. We get all the way up, we drop off Jacob. Me and Jacob have a little goodbye. I walk up, I go to my thing, the night's over. I take out my ticket to the garage, I hand him the ticket, and he goes, no. I went, no, no, no, what?

He goes, that's not us. And I was like, fuck me. I park downtown. In a garage downtown. Genuinely walkable from where we were watching the show. No! Where we were watching the show. No! Where we were.

And that's how you planned it out so well from the jump is you were gonna be able to go from that show right to your homes. I was so shook from this fucking show. This plumber show. I forgot where I parked. So I had to go on. Wrong quadrant of the city.

What, yeah. I had to take the train. Oh my God! You didn't have to. That was self, you didn't have to, that was self-red. Oh, dude. Your computer's got liquid death. Jake. That's why it's called that I I took the train. Here's why I took the train because of all the road closures No all the road closures. I didn't want to be stuck in traffic going downtown So I was like the train straight straight shot, A train, west fourth. And also you were in a mood that you could have vigilante

killed a violent person. Well the train does change after 12. I mean there was a lot, dudes with bikes, a lot of political talk going on. Really? Yeah, oh, after 12. Can you explain this to me, something I'm missing? What does the dudes with bikes mean?

Well that means don't look at them, and don't talk to them, and don't complain about the bike tire in your asshole. Just take it. So they bring the whole bike on the train? The whole fucking bike. I'd say something about that. I saw a guy with two bikes.

I'd say something about that. I've never been afraid of anybody on a bike. I'd be afraid of that dude. Last night, this little white girl, cute, was just looked at him. He goes, I can't do an African accent, what are you looking at? Take a picture.

Why are you looking at me? That was it, right there. I am your captain now. He said, take a picture. And she just fucking realized that she stared off at a space at the wrong space on the train, and she just looked down at the ground for the rest of the train ride,

and nobody was gonna help her. If shit went down, fucking, you're on your own bitch. And I always have a knife on me, always have my knife. So do Africans. I gave my knife to Joe because we were going to the party and I made the mistake at the Kennedy Space Center trying to thought I could take a knife in there. So I go take this because they might take it away from me.

So I had no weapons, I had nothing. So I'm on the train going down. You gave up your weapon? I gave up my weapon. You gave him your peace, dude? I gave him my peace, man. My peace was gone, I had nothing except zen. All I could do was.

Zen! You could barter with zen? I would just grab a fistful and jam it in his mouth and close it and hope he passes out. Maybe if you rub it in his eyes, I think it would probably burn. What a fucking shit show of a day, man. And then I go down to the garage and it's closed.

Like, the gate's closed. I can't. I just can't. So there's a doorbell and I'm ringing it. And he's sleeping. So I have my head rested on the gate, just talking to God, because I hit bottom. I was like, you know, man, I haven't talked to you in a while.

It's my fault. I was broken. I was beyond. So then the traffic is so fucking bad going back. I have to go in the traffic. We were just in with nobody. No DJ. I don't know what songs to play. There's no fun in the car. It's just me in my car sitting in traffic and I gave up.

I was just, I got sick with clothes. I had to take a left. It was all just red lights. Nobody would have judged you last night if you went home and killed your family. Not Max, Max had nothing to do with it. If I strangled her. You love them both.

I'm just saying, you know, just a snap, a full blown snap. Everyone would have been like, no you don't know the pressure he was under yesterday. You would play out that day in a movie, no doubt, everybody would be halfway through, everybody would be like, I would have snapped at this point. No, there's 10 more things.

That would have got me too. That would have got me too. Here's the worst part though, nobody was up. Because when you bomb as a comic, you gotta call other people. I got, so I'm calling, I called you, didn't call me back, thanks. He was just with you.

Yeah, but I did the train thing. Come on, don't be a needy friend. Hang on one second. He didn't know, he didn't know the train thing, so I thought, but I did the train. Come on. Don't be a needy friend. Hang on one second He didn't he didn't know he didn't know the train thing so I thought but he did they just laughed and ate McDonald's My thing Christine don't tell me when we McDonald's I Christine that was pillow talk So didn't call me back, so I'm in the car calling everybody I know I mean I called So like even me over Instagram call I called Dan Cook

You were down the line So I someone's got to hear this I actually I called always called David tell I called my opener I called my opener and I thought I'd get a little, I go, hey, dude, he goes, how was the gig? I go, it was bad, it was so fucking bad. He goes, hang on, hang on, wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, oh my God, I'm so excited. I'm like, what?

He goes, dude, this is so, Joey Diaz just decided to do his little open mic'er in Jersey. He goes, this is way better than that. I feel way better to hear this story than what just happened with Joey Diaz. And I told him the story, and he was fucking loving every second of it.

I just needed that connection with a comedian. But Bobby, with all that, so cool. What's cool? Yeah, right. Gary Clark, though, right? So cool. So cool, he's beautiful. I went home, so this is the worst part.

I go home into the bed, you know, just to have my wife there and the dog in the bed usually. She's not there. She slept in my son's bed with him. So it's just me. I got into the bed with the dog. The dog. I'm just fully expecting this story.

I go into my bed and there's another man and you're like, Jesus. I would have loved that. I would have fucking loved that. I went in the bed, nobody, a king, California king, nobody, I got in the bed, the dog. Sheet angels though, that's the best. The dog got off the bed.

He's like, get that mom away. Your energy was bad last night. Your energy was bad. That's horrible. And my dog's dying. She just was like, I'm out. Left the bed, I was just in there by myself. She goes, hey whatever you got on you from the bed, I was just in there by myself. She goes, hey, whatever you got on you from tonight,

I don't wanna get it on me. I don't wanna get it on me. So that brings us to your special day today. Well, yesterday. Wasn't today a special day? Yes. Okay. Well, yesterday.

Well, a little feedback that Bobby said he was, his therapist told him he's gotta be more forthcoming and aggressive with his wife. No, he said, no, he did not say that. Oh, I'm sorry, you're right, you're right. He said, this is what he said, he said, you know, I was talking about sex. You know, we've been married for a long time.

We have a 10-year-old, that thing dies off. So I'm like, listen, the last part of the, really something I have to do is getting connected with her. I'm connected with her so, I love her, I love her, but I need that connection. And he's like, well, you need to take over, you need to take charge, go home, hug her, kiss her, bring her to the bedroom, make love to her.

I go, listen, I go, listen dude, you don't know what you're talking about. And he's like, yes I do, you don't. And I go, okay, I'm just gonna read her books. I'm gonna read her books to you. So funny. I go, here's my books just gonna read her books. I'm gonna read her books to you. So funny. I go, here's my books, ready, these are my books. And we read this yesterday, Anger Management, Self Help,

Anger Management, The Game of Life and How to Play It, Alcoholics Anonymous for Beginners, The Big Book, The 12 Steps, Myth of Normal, and then we go to her books. You ready for this? Yeah, Charlene goes to pound town. Lightning Rod. Yeah, yeah, The Covet.

Ready, ready for this? Bared to You, Lover Reborn, Backstage Pass. By the way, she's reading romance novels because she's on romance. These aren't romance, these are fucking getting plowed in a barn by some scutchy ranch hound. Whatever you call romance, some people call that romance. You know what I'm saying?

She's wanting sex from these readings. She wants a backstage pass to Jovi to suck his dick. That and plumbing fixtures. But you told her on the phone yesterday, you said hey, shave the legs, hop in the shower, it's going down tomorrow afternoon when I get back from Jim and Sam. I came home back from Jim and Sam

and she had just got out of the shower. Okay. I was like, all right, great, she showered. I mean, still wearing oversized sweatshirt, sweatpants, not the most sexy outfit to be honest, and a t-shirt she's had for 30 years. I love that the standard for being turned on is she showers.

Are you married? No. You know nothing. You know nothing. Yeah. Is it an underwear that's color has been dulled through multiple washings? Let me get to that.

High school varsity shirt. So I go in, you know, I had to make it to this because she's making breakfast. I was hungry because I didn't eat last night because I was so sad. But I'm starving now. She goes, I'm making food, are you hungry?

I'm starving. So I was like, okay. So I gotta, do I say fuck breakfast? I should have said no breakfast, we're banging. But I didn't because I was very hungry. And she made bacon. I can't turn down bacon. No.

Bacon! No. So we ate. I went immediately in the shower, scrubbed everything. I scrubbed it all. I took, I put soap on my finger, went up, I did everything. I washed my helmet like four times. Nice. I used her soap, which is a little nicer

than the soap she gives me. It's a little bit textured, gets around the ridge. So I come out of the shower, just my robe on, and now I'm panicking because I don't know. I don't know, you know what I mean? Because you're married, I forget how to, you know what I mean, do the move. No, but I'm going to empathize. So I mean? Do, you know, the move. No, but I'm gonna empathize.

So I'm like, I make the decision. I go, I go, I go, I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna leave the towel on. I'm gonna be a little wet. I leave the towel on. But then I'm like, no, dry off, because she'll get mad at me because the sheets will get wet.

Oh my God, you're gonna get a head injury. So I dry off, I dry everything off. And then I put the towel back on, and I go, hey Dawn, and she goes, what? I go, I need your help with something. She goes, what do you need help with? So now- Did you yell out my cock?

So no, I didn't, I took a deep breath because I was like, oh fuck it. We need Jay, you need to be in his earpiece. Yeah, I need to do a practical joke, you're six. So. So. So. So. So. You and Murr. Now slap her in the face. Wah!

Send in Sal, send in Sal. So I go, I go, I need your help, come here, real quick. So she slowly, begrudgingly walks in to the room very slowly and I'm standing there and I go, she goes, what do you need? I was just kind of mad because she, you know, it's like I haven't, she has the attitude like I've done everything,

what else do you fucking need? That's what I heard. That's the tone she has. Right, right. I made breakfast, I did the laundry, I got the kid up, what do you fucking need? Suck your own dick. So I pushed that down, that rage.

I pushed that down. And I go, I need you help with this. And now, oh, I forgot. You presented? I trimmed everything down there too. Oh, you manscaped. I manscaped, but I manscaped one side a little too much. Oh, an uneven dick hair is not a good look.

Half a landing pad, half a U-turn. The Hitler mustache. I need a mirror, okay? You have three quarters of shaved ball. I got tired from holding my stomach up, so I go, I need your help with this. And you know what she did? She went, ha ha. So then...

Oh! My soul just left my body. It was just like lyrics, dude. Yeah. So then. Oh! Oh! Oh! My soul just left my body. It was just like lyrics, dude. My heart is breaking. It was a little funny. This is a genuine song. It was a little funny because I didn't get it prepped.

I didn't get it half full. It was still a little mushroomy. That's not why it was funny. It's just presenting it all. Yeah, it's just voila. If you present a monster, fat, dick boner, and still go, I need a little help with this. You'd look like a jerk off.

It's no matter what. There's no good way to do that. So I open up, she came up, came up, and I started kissing her neck, and I go, I need it. And she goes, OK. So then she started grabbing it, you know, we playing with it. But then I said the thing with pre menopause,

the problem with pre menopause is this is the problem. So the problem with pre menopause is this. It's not only internal with them, it's physical. It's visual. You can see. Menopause happening? You can see it happening. I saw her neck heat up. She's having a tropical vacation.

So I go. So I see, so we're going to the bed, and I go, are you hot? She goes, yeah. But she didn't mean hot sex, she was like, I'm hot. Yeah, like hot, physically hot. So she took her sweatshirt off. And then we had a very nice, very sexy time. No, we didn't have sex. We didn't have sex. But she, she, we, we fooled around.

There we go. She, she was a completion on either person's side. On my part. Okay. It was a good, so she, you know, it was a good completion on my part. A good completion? I think there was a complete complete completion my My dick does smell like breakfast Fucking Jimmy Dean's I should have said go brush your teeth But uh, so the dog was sniffing my dick. Hey dawn. You forgot one more sausage link from breakfast I'm writing presentations. We did. We did. I mean, it was hot, man.

And here, you know, we haven't fooled around so long. I forgot, you know, like the t-shirt she had on was became, it looked trashy. But then it was, you know, hanging down and, you know, stuff was hanging. And I was like, you know, I forgot how nice Dawn, you know, pretty she is and how, you know, her body is very sexy. And I got, I know, pretty she is, and how her body is very sexy. I mean, it was good, man. It was a good, very good start to something. I am going to, I'm going, thank you very much.

And then- I'm glad that you completed, this was today, so you've already got your rocks off today, you're feeling good. As soon as she was done, though, she went, phew. That was a real, that's a really really that's actually a very romantic story and a long way to get to dawn jacked off Bob She did more blow job Bobby jacked off Bob

At the end Bob jacked off Bob should be a band name because I think I'm gay But no, no, it was really it was a nice quick in At the end. Bob Jacked Off Bob should be a band name. Because I think I'm gay. But no, no it was really, it was a nice, quick, and then after we went out, we talked, and she's like, I'm gonna go take a nap. And I was like, I'm gonna go smoke a cigar. So I went and smoked a cigar, she took a little nap, it was a nice.

You fucked her to sleep, that's good. Or I mean, I'm sorry, she got tired of jerking you off to sleep. She didn't jerk me off. She did more than that. I'm not gonna tell you what we did because that's between me and her, but we. Did you put it between her butt cheeks

and just move it like you? No, Dawn's ass is as flat as a spaded shovel. It just hit her spine. Just be fucking her coccyx. Have you considered a cheap hotel? No, she means investing in one. No, just. Have you considered a cheap hotel? Uh, what are you, well. No, she means investing in one. No, just, I do. I've got an idea.

This is not a time share. I have a tiny house. I think that cheap hotels are great places to have random sex. I brought my wife to. You don't have to sleep over there. You just rent the room. You go in there.

My wife is a fuck, we went to a cheap hotel. I took her up to Roscoe once. We went to a cheap hotel. And she brought all these essential oils for bugs. Yeah, essential oils to work against bed bugs. Yeah, she just was pouring essential oils around the thing, sitting there not moving because she was afraid of the bed.

She hates fucking chute holes. The things I ate when I was younger, I went to a couple of those, the hotels where there's like the hot tub in the middle of the room. Yes. But like, it's all carpeted, so just wet carpet from other, it's just so nasty. We gotta take a break, unfortunately.

Show's almost over, bitch. Oh my God, time flies when you're having fun with these stories, what a day you've had. Better Haves, guys, on Raw Comedy. What's the meaning of the title? We're trying to figure out who the better half is. You know, we're two halves that make a whole. I think he's the better half as a good person, per se.

Yes. Great guy. You're agreeing with that. No, but I like you. You're saying I'm a bad person. I wouldn't hang out with him at all. I would hang out with you. No, for sure. I think he would hang out with him.

He's a super good person. He's a great guy. We'd have fun. Hold my hand. See what you feel. You know what I'm saying? Dude, I'm in. You see your heart. He's a super good person. He's a great guy. We'd have fun. Hold my hand, see what you feel. You know what I'm saying? You see your heart over here, maybe a little flutter. You play your cards, or at least you could probably jack off, Bob. Yeah, Brad jacks off Bob.

I love a John Mayer body. Fucking sexy. She's holding my hand again. Jay, you talk. It's happening. It's happening. Jay, you talk. It's happening. Oh my God, why does this... This actually actually got me this got me more roused than my

wife Lisa do me a favor could you help me with this listen to Lisa and a Brett Ray both on better have serious XM raw comedy Channel 99 Fridays at 10 a.m., 5 p.m., and 10 p.m. That's nice, they play it all day long? All day long. Oh great. And you can listen anytime on the SiriusXM app, everybody. And also robertkellylive.com for tickets.

He's at Laugh It Up at Gipsy this weekend. I'm at Levity Live this weekend, and of course we're doing our show at the Paramount tomorrow, Huntington, New York. There's some tickets still available, I believe. Some tickets, and don't forget our podcast, and don't forget our YouTube page. Go to our YouTube page, subscribe, like, comment,

and check out the podcast. We got a lot of stuff going on here. A lot of fun stuff coming up. Yeah, so make sure you come. And we'll be right back to say goodbye, I think. Yeah, we're saying goodbye. It's the bonfire. It's the bonfire.

It's the bonfire. Hey, everybody, the Bonfire. It's the Bonfire.