The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - I Started A New Joke

Episode Date: March 27, 2026

The 80's song "Missing" by Everything But The Girl reminds Jay of being young and too poor to tip the strippers. | Jacob is out sick but Zooms in with a sexy, deep voice. | There is a new hero of the Bonfire and she may have saved a New Jersey home from an inferno. | Jay and Bobby ask the listeners to call in with premises so they can write jokes for New Joke Night at the world famous Comedy Cellar in New York City. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Creson and Robert Kelly. Beepa, beep, ba, beep. I told you the time me and Patrice went dancing in Amsterdam. We went to a nightclub. And they had this music on. Everybody was dancing. And I went on the dance floor. And me and Patrice weirdly just started dancing together.

But just like we were doing. And I felt, it felt good. This song, it takes me to one place. place and one place only. And two songs do that. What's that? Fantasy show bar, Black Horse Pike, New Jersey no longer exists. It was a strip club you can go when you were 18. No booze, full nude. We found such a scam with the internet when the internet first started to get in for free and just get everything you could possibly want to do in there for free. What do you mean? Not knowing they hated us. Oh. Because we also didn't tip. We had no money.

We were teenagers. So we would go in there, we'd like three bucks and walk out of there and see everything. Everything. Amateur night. Oh, it was so fun. There's nothing worse than a non-tipper when you're showing your cooch.

They hate us. And my friend Glenn used to come in with like fucking... How's Glenn doing? Glenn's doing great. Great. Tell me what's up. I will. He messaged me the other day. Glenn would go in and wear like novelty,

funny t-shirts that would make them even... You'd see how annoyed they'd be because we weren't paying awesome. We got a shirt that said, I don't smoke crack, I lick it. And they'd be like, it's funny. You know what else? It would be funny? A couple dollars.

They don't even ask you for much, just a couple bucks. And then we'd just laugh. You just laugh at it. Yeah, broke. So broke. But it's this song and, what the fuck? Like the desert missed the rain. And I miss you.

It's called Miss You. Step out the train. Find the club mix, though. That one? Yeah, and I miss you. Yeah. But we go, want, want, want, want, want, and the stroves would be going for the girls? Same album?

No. Oh, okay. I thought I saw the same screen. The first song, play at Your Own Wrist, came out in 1982. No shit. Yeah. It was cranking at that place. That was fucking.

And I'm talking about 95. Let's see. 95. I was, this, yeah, right here, yeah. Turn it up, Blue. slap it right in my fucking stupid face. You can't help it feel sexy inside when this is on? This is like my middle school dances.

Yeah. High school. My AA dances. Friday night. St. Mary's, Lynn Mass. Ooh.

Look across the room. Girl still shaking, drinking a cup of coffee. Alcoholic pus. Yeah, the best. Licked that makeup off her neck. And I miss you?

You. Oh. Like the desert miss the rain. How about this move? Will you keep it tight? And I miss you. And they go up and they go back down. Not us, too.

We were staring at tampon strings hanging out of snatches. It was amateur night. It's only one night a week. You got to go. There's nothing worse than when I was first coming up. I had no money in comedy. And they would go to strip clubs. And I had no money.

And I had stained shirts. And you just go to, I don't want to go. And then you go and you just look down. you just look down and you see some type of mustard stain on your shirt from the black lights. Absolutely. And then the girls would come over. I'd have like maybe 10 bucks and I'd have to like wait for the right one. No, I'm good.

They're saying no, I'm good to a stripper sucks. That was the worst when you knew you had enough. Because sometimes you were like, you start realizing that. You're like, hey, maybe we shouldn't go. Yeah. Unless we got a couple fucking bucks. Like you got to get a lap dance. If you go back with one girl.

You got to pay. But you know, you at least like show. them like no no we're we're here we're doing it yeah you made you gave me a little bit of cash and you'd pick the one that was the thing exactly now you're shoeing away you have to because you can't well we used to shoe away forever and then they hate you but then we start being like all right we each have to get like a fucking dance because we got the other the thing that the the free pass we would print out and then rip the sides off it's so stupid um because it was that kind of printer paper you are jewish but it was 96 five um well it was good to be Jewish

Yeah, yeah. But we'd print out these things in it. It was so dumb. The fancy show bar had, it was even like there was pictures written in, like, arrows and stuff when you printed it out. Do you know what I mean? Like, it was just everything, the screen was just green and whatever. And it printed out this thing and it was free entry.

Huge. It's 10 bucks gone already. Yeah. You don't have to pay. When you walked in, you had to tip a girl. They have a girl standing in a booth with their tits out. And you have to put a dollar in your mouth and smash it. her tits what you have to you're an asshole if you don't so you you didn't have to but you

had to you'd be in a weirdly weird situation like no I'm okay that you'd already be setting such a bad tone we knew that we liked that they were great to us until about 30 minutes into us sitting there so is it like a fucking pervert test to make sure you're a piece of shit maybe and then we would go Lou I need that music in the background so then We should play this song during the whole show, even when TJ comes in, not tell them. Drinks and popcorn were free. Ugh, you ate? Popcorn.

Okay. They make you eat popcorn. They give you popcorn because they want you to drink. They make you do a lot of stuff at this place. Well, the more you think is that you drink. There it is. Fantasy showbubon. Wait, that's the one.

Is that Black Horse Pike? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've told this is closed. Why are there three cars there? That's so funny. It's being young and going, especially underage to a strip club,

when I was 17, but you had to be 18. But I looked enough they didn't ask. But the things you'd think of that you're like, oh, these are why they have security, that when your intentions aren't creepy, but you know, it goes, that girl's so beautiful. Like, I bet if I could talk to her, like, you know what? If we're here until it closes, I'll just, like, walk to her car with her.

And you're like, no, you can't. You really can't do that. No, you can't do it, especially with no money. I'm going to see you at 2 in the morning not tipping. You could if you were laying 20s down all night. You're not wrong. You stay all night. You're not wrong at all.

You get to take them home, Jay, too, if you have money. You're so not wrong. Yeah, you're just shoveling popcorn like a crane in your mouth. Can I have a cranberry juice? Can I have a, no, only soda and juice, yeah. Oh, yeah, because they didn't have alcohol, which is so weird to me. I love it. It makes so much more sense to me.

Why? Well, they're saying if you're going to go have, people complain about it, I should say. I get it if you want to have drinks. I do not, I don't not get that. I'm not an idiot. But I'm saying at the time,

the age I was there too, the concept of like one or the other, would you rather go see girls in bikinis and topples maybe, but you can get boozed up, or you could go see girls fucking literally like split and lip to show you. I have a Diet Coke and popcorn. Diet Coke and popcorn. 100%.

I'm fine. I'd rather, because I'm like, if we're going to go to the strip club, I want to see the most we can see But if we're going to go out and have drinks Why don't we go have drinks And like try to talk That's like the loosening it up

And talking to people That's the engagement Strip club's not for engagement It's to see live snatch You can't get in real life See some snatch bend over in your face We used to drive to Rhode Island Because they had no rules

Or cheetahs in Rhode Island They had no rules Well they know age rules Particularly Oh dude it was crazy They had Like I said Horehouses were legal

Go to the strip clubs You could touch them You could do all kinds of shit. Boston was... Well, not legal, but... Not, well, you know. They just existed everywhere. Pretend...

Yeah, yeah, exactly. But the thing that fucked me up is when I went to Vegas for the first time and went to those huge, amazing, crazy strip clubs. Oh, not Vegas. Oh, strip club. Strip club. So when I went to this first strip club in Vegas, they had like two of them or three of them. And they were so big and so enormous.

And so, like, we went to... The one that I love was... What was it called? I forget what it was called. Frank's Chicken House. No, it was called, I think a duets or something. Slebucket. But their slogan was the best.

It says we have a hundred sexy girls and two ugly ones. Nice. And it was right on the money, by the way. Well, let me tell you also with our free pass to get in. What you got was free entry and shower show. What's the shower show? I know what the shower show is. It was so good.

They would take, they would be, they'd be, hocking it the entire time on stage. Every time the guy who got on stage, which, by the way, was the job at one point, I was like, this is what I'm made to do. It was a black, mussely guy who wore a tuxedo shirt, tight vest. He was jacked. But he was the up there, like ladies. He's inspired, all the words I say at the end of, at the end of hustlers,

when he told me just go wild lines. Yeah. And I'm talking over the credits. Was this guy? It's everything he said. I just changed to maybe like New York instead of like, because one of you'd go couch, dance couch dance put me in that couch trance the ladies here at the fantasy show bar blah blah blah he had all these like spiels and the one was the shower show where these girls get wet and wild and blah

blah and what it was was they wait until they get like 25 people or so to buy it and every hour next shower show starting lineup you take you a different room like a movie theater room almost but instead it was like just bench seating maybe three four rows diagonally you know like uh angled in like amphitheater almost. Yeah, it's, and in the corner was a fake, I guess real, shower booth. And the girl, and there was like two little stools, and they would sit, they'd, and you could pay extra. So it was $25 to go into the shower show. And then another $10 you could pay and you get to soap them up.

They put soap all over them and you go up and take your turns, like rubbing their tits and bodies and asses and everything. She used to wash them like cattle? Yes. But we never did that. We were just like, oh, yeah, we're good on being the soap guys, because we had no money. So we would just sit there. You watch everybody soap them up.

Then they would take turn as long as it took. Well, that's naive. I guess I'm sure it was time. But whatever it was, we were buying into it was they, one would sit in front of the other one. The one who was behind would hold the shower head on her, like, firing watered her pussy, and the girl would play with herself until she, like, fake came or came.

And if you're a lofty, I thinker. And then they would switch And then the other one would do the same thing And then you'd let you out of there We tipped nothing on that at all So we just watched that And three bucks, dude We would have this amazing night

Every fucking Wednesday It was so good until they started To hate our guts And visibly would be like These guys And you're like, what? I thought we were the fun guys Get out

Get out I thought we're all fun and funny Yeah they talked about you They knew your faces As soon as you walked in Where the fuck is Jacob? He's sick today. Oh.

He got very sick. Really? Yeah, he's sick. He's not coming in today. He's on Zoom. You think that's because I French kissed him? He's on Zoom somewhere. I think it's funny, though, when they add stuff like that with a, you know, the shower,

it's like, you know, just to clean these bitches off, why don't we just make money off of it? Instead of going to go in the back room to take a shower, we just going to make a shower room. Oh, yeah. You guys clean your snatches off from the VIP finger popper you just got. I told you, they used to have a good lady that was. would come down and her whole act was, she had windex and paper towels, and she would just clean the pole and clean the glass on the back from all the ass smudges from the other strippers. That's really sweet.

I thought it was a sexy, unique way and multitasking. You know, Lou, common misconception. No one stripped of this song, the songs from the movie, and in the video, they would show her doing the dance, but there was a different song. The song that she actually danced to was all right, actually, wasn't it? What a feeling at the end? No, no, not that they, not what she's straight. scripts to actually.

Yes. She had a couple of cool ones. I just recently watched it and did you notice the stunt double looks nothing like... Jennifer Beals? Nothing. Oh, in the final dance. Jennifer Beals doesn't dance at all. What's this right here?

Yeah, this is the song, whatever this... Music is not from the soundtrack that she dances to. No, no, no. But that song... Isn't that guy's name like Michael Seritello or something? Sambello? Maniac? Oh, yeah.

Michael Sambello. Sambello. Why, did you really think that she danced? I would have thought yes. Yeah? Look at this wig wearing. Well, nobody knew who Jennifer Beals was. But they, that's her.

That's the only shot that they did. Close-ups, yeah. It's very possible, yeah, that's true. At the very end, you could tell it a lot. Yeah. At the very end, when the sexy dance. Yeah, she's wearing a mop on her head. Yeah, dude.

Wild. Did you ever see I'm going to get you sucker when they have the fist fight and they do the purposeful? She's got like a must. It's like a guy. Obviously in a mustache and like a wig. That show is so, that one was a funny show. Movie, movie, it was a movie. When he brought her back, when he brought the girl back

and she started taking, just revealing all her flaws. She took her leg off. She pulled her hair off. She's like, he just kept screaming. But yeah, the body double being, that's so funny. She's a man wearing a fucking diner waitress dress. That movie gets not enough credit. I don't think.

I'm gonna get you, sucker. Nobody brings it up. They always bring up naked gun and all that shit. It will fall by the wayside. Because black people No, it's just like the young people There's not a lot of history That kids have, nostalgia

Anymore to even go back And so now people will think The first of those kind of movies actually You're lucky if you get naked gun You actually will say We'll say scary movie Yeah They don't even see Dumb and Dumber

Which was Dumb and Dumber's pretty great when it came out When it came out Does not hold up No? I don't think so Yeah, that goofy faces You know it's what's his name

Not Jim Carrey the other guy Jeff Daniels. Yeah, he's just... You have a hard time with him? A little bit. The first time I didn't, but now when you rewatch it, you're like, oh, he's just doing Jim Carrey.

Well, that's what it is. Yeah, the problem is, like, that's Jim Carrey, like, that was just a classic Jim Carrey character and it looks like he was trying to keep up with a Jim Carrey character, but he's great, Jeff Daniels. He's great.

Man, there's Jacob. There's Jacob. Oh, hey, Jacob? Flash Chance was great. In his environment. And then, funny enough, like, what a feeling actually also was used. That was fame, right? Did you hear

Jacob's voice yet? Hi, Jacob. Hi, how are you? Jesus Christ. Is he have a filter on? No. That's his voice. No. I woke up with this. You should keep it. You sound like a man. I mean, that's crazy how you sound. I know. I want it to stay, but

I have to be in pain for that to happen. What a sexy son of a bitch he is. I know. Yeah. This is the voice you've dreamed of. It really is. Say, Christine, stop your yappling and start your... Stop your cackling and start your snackling.

Christine, stop your yappling. No, stop your cackling and start your knackling. And then actually, you pull your penis out. Stop your cackling and start your yap... Sorry, what was it? Never mind. It's over. I'm sorry. Jacob came back.

I'm sorry. Just say this. Hey, Don, shut your face and suck it. Hey, Dawn, shut your face and suck it. There you go. God damn it. Can you give me that? I'm going to send that to Dawn.

Oh, shit. I forgot to tell you. We, uh, look at the hero music queued up. What? There's another hero in our midst. Here? Yeah. Right now.

Right now in this room. There's a hero in our midst. Really? Yeah. I went out today to, uh, hit the old major fitness. B-52. Yeah. Clanging and banging a little bit.

Of course. Just throwing around some plates. Still what I do in the gym. And I was very cold out today. I was in there for as long as I could. Take it. And then I left. And maybe an hour later or so, I was in the shower.

And Christine comes knocking on the door and opens the door. She goes, hey, I went out in the garage. and you left the space heater plugged in and running. I turned it off, barring what could only possibly been a very rare freak accident fire. I know what you're saying, Bobby, that thing could have been running for seven days

and it wouldn't cause a problem at all. Or that Christine shut it off. But Christine did shut it off and unplugged it. So she saved what could have been a very rare case possible fire. Now, there's a thousand other things plugged into the house, of course, you're saying it's so it's probably no different than that.

However... Yes, and space heaters have actual... Shut off. They shut off. Yeah, they shut off. Yeah, they shut off. They shut off. They fall down. Yes. Everything, it just automatically shuts off. All those things. Yes.

But... But... She unplugged it. There's now three heroes. Three heroes in the room. Now, I know you can't be a double hero. I know that. No, you can't.

Now, once you're a hero, you're just a hero. You're expected to be a hero. You're expected to be a hero. You're expected to be a hero. As we found out a couple weeks ago when I had to save that guy's life. When I went to go get dressed. Yeah? After my shower, Christine had left.

And she left on the electric fireplace heater. Outside? No, inside. Inside. Electric fireplace heater. So I turned that off. Hero begets hero. It's a household of heroes.

It's a household of heroes. Amazing. Now, Dawkins has never saved our lives from anything, but I will say she alerts us if anything is anywhere within, I think, 100 yards of the house by barking aggressively. But in her own way, she is also a hero. Can I just say this? Yeah.

I think all dogs are heroes, even doodles, because she does the same thing. Now, if someone does break into the house, she'll run back into the bedroom with me and not do anything and get scared. Can you send heroics? But she will alert me. She'll alert you. She'll alert me to the person. Sometimes the biggest hero is the one who just lets the people who need to know, no.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And now you know to run because your dog will not win the fight. I know to run. Or get my shot down. Or get your peace. Or just hide in a closet while Don gets murdered.

Yeah. And then you fucking, then you blast them with the jammy. And then, yeah. And then, you know, me and Max share the house together as men. You get them twisted with the biscuit. I get him twisted with the biscuit. You just smack them with the Mac. Christine, that's amazing.

Now, when you walked in, I'm sure your tone was great. Like, when you were like, hey, you forgot to shut that off. I turned it off, right? I don't know what her expectation was. It seemed like she was looking for negative pushback from me. And all I had was, I was like, oh, yes, I forgot to turn it off. Thank you. Yeah, because you're a hero, dude.

Yeah. You're not going to. I don't know what she was looking for. Maybe. maybe a little like attitude from you maybe how would you were like a real like it's like hey dunderhead fucking no shit yeah maybe i don't know but i was just like i was like oh i yeah maybe a good for you yeah yeah it was not uh yeah it didn't feel like the didn't feel like the didn't feel like my appreciation she didn't handle that part heroically at all can i ask she was almost

like defeated that i wasn't like uh i don't know if she was looking for me to give like like I was gonna go check and turn it off. I wasn't. Yeah, or, oh, shit, I'm stupid. Oh, fuck, you're the best. She had one, we had one the other day, too. I think she's looking for a fight that's not there, maybe. Maybe.

I don't know. I left the back door open, and I yelled up to her. I thought I closed the back door. I yelled up to her specifically to say, I closed the back door, so it's okay. Then she went down, and she was like, I guess she goes, the back door was wide open. You got, go, oh, really? I go, maybe I meant to close the back door. I didn't.

Whatever was, I fucked up. My brain's going, though. I pulled it out of a gas station today with the things still attached to the car. Shut the fuck up. You one of those? Well, my car paid the price. What a to do? The truck. It's just something needs to be buffed out.

It'll be far. Scratch? Yeah. It'll be buffed out. And when you got out, did you look around and make sure nobody saw it? Oh, no. The guy saw it. I had to help you fix it.

Yeah. Wait a minute. Because in Jersey, you can't pump your own gas. No. So there was a guy. It was, this situation was its own thing. I pulled up. I went in, I went in, to the store to buy stuff.

I was waiting in line in the store. I only had to fill about, like, less than a half tank. And so I was in line in the store. I got a couple things at the store, came out. And just the way I walked around the thing, I just didn't, like, see the hose was still, you know, I wasn't looking for it. If I saw it, I'm sure it would have just registered that it was in. But I just got my car, and I just turned the car on, I started driving.

And then, like, right when I look in the rearview mirror, I just like the hink. But it, uh, but, you know, thank God. Actually, maybe not thank God. Maybe my car would have been less damaged. But I've done that once before my life ever, years ago. And I pulled away, and it was an old pump where the actual thing came out. Like when I pulled away, it ripped out.

You ripped the whole thing? No, no, no. No, no, the thing was fine. The nozzle thing just, the nozzle just kind of pulled out. It was more probably like, it probably did bending on, like, maybe my gas can or something, but like, who knows. But that wasn't a big deal. What happens now? They just change these pumps, but I'm so happy, because it's fixable for sure.

It gives. It, like, it break away. Right. In the middle of it, it breaks off. But when that broke off, that metal part that connects is what dinged my car. But I watched the guy get it back on, and I was just standing. I'm standing there because it's like, it's around the corner from my house. So you can't just go like, all right, well, hey, sorry, bye.

You had to. You got to wait. So I'm like, well, let me know. Like, we can fix it. He's like, it looks like it snaps back on. Like, it does look like it snaps back on. And he goes. and he pushed it and he got it up and it did it clicked back in and then I go because he's like

yeah man he's like sorry he goes it wasn't finished yet and I was like no all right I go well let's make sure it works like I'll back up and like see if we could fill it see if we could finish filling it up and then I go all right I back up and he puts the thing in and he goes tink he goes it was full why can't you why don't they trust you to pump your own gas in Jersey I don't understand that. I don't know. They don't trust you to pump your own gas and they don't trust you... How much trust? They don't trust you when you can pump your own gas

to like click it. They take the click thing off. They take it off. I don't know what the fuck happened where they don't trust us to pump our gas and then... Have you ever seen... The one time... I remember I was in D.C. coming home from D.C. And it was a time that I was like, oh, nice. This thing has the... Click. The click and hold. Yeah. And what was beautiful about the click

holds where they were automatic. Whereas when your tank got full, it came off by itself. This one I went and I was waiting, thank God, it was David Tell, actually. And in my car and I finally go over at one point, and it's like shooting out of the thing. And I was like, oh, it didn't stop on its own.

It just kept pumping gas. It was just an old school one? I guess, yeah, there was no stop on it. Oh, great, now we're going to be on fire. Should I not smoke? Yeah. Oh, Danny, boy. Everything Irish is tragic.

Alcoholic Puss. That's right. That was my mother's nickname in high school. Alcoholic Puss? Alcoholic Puss. Nice. Oh, an alcoholic Puss, Kelly. I like that.

Suck it, bitch. I like the sound to that. It's the bonfire. Faction Talk, Sirius, XM 103. I think Peanut Eminem is the best little chocolate snack when you're looking with something, just a little chocolate. It's the best. Peanut M is pretty good.

It's pretty goddamn good. Better than Eminem I'm not into. Peanut Eminem. regular Eminem's boo We got some Okay, I already see Let's take some of these calls Because I want to let them tell us

Just so everybody know If you're just tuning in We're looking for premise We're looking for premises Me and Jay are doing New Joke night Monday night Will's events next Monday

At the Pussy Get Lounge I never do spots in the city ever Well I mean Weekends sometimes when I'm home And you can call up And give us our premises I'm going to pick three Through a draft

8669669 1969 Call up And where's new jokes upstairs room, right? No, yeah. Where your show is. Pussy Cat Lound. Yeah, where my show is on Tuesdays, right.

Nice. And it was packed last night. You didn't go in, but it was sold out. No. You walked into the room? I walked into the room, and I was just standing there looking at Will. And? Why are you looking at me, Bobby Kelly?

He didn't, he didn't acknowledge me. Why are you looking? Why are you standing there, Bobby? Now, I'm going to warn you if it's new, if Will hosted every weekend? Every week he hosts it? Every Monday night he hosts it, yeah. He has New Joke Night. Will's going to stay in that room

and he's going to want to back and forth with me. Yeah. Just so you know. He might even be on stage, come up on stage with you. It's possible. No, that was never our thing, but he'll be in the audience,

but he'll want to talk, so I'm going to have to get, we're going to do three jokes apiece. Yeah. I'm going to have to be like, Will, let me get my jokes. Because here's the thing, I don't want to,

if his new joke night, let's do his new joke night. Hey, everyone. So I got a couple new things here. I want to try, and then start doing your jokes. Yeah. if I ingratiate them

with talking with Will and the crowd and stuff it's not going to be fair because like or even if you did that it wouldn't be fair because I go well they're going to like it you set a tone that's almost the point of that kind of crowd work you're setting a tone they're going to like you and they'll work with you you want to go is this funny is this shitty joke I wrote this weekend funny right yeah you want to go up and just go all right first joke okay here you got a couple things here a couple good ones so we're taking

We're looking for premise ideas. Premise ideas. We're going to get a pool of premise ideas. Yes. Maybe 10, 12. Well, hopefully. And then we'll, no, for sure. I mean, the lines are filling up, buddy.

They always do. The listeners are the best. The best. They wish we had guests. Except for that one guy who routed us out to him. That one guy. But he loves us. He loves us, but he fucked us.

He's just got an evil spirit inside of him that wants to hurt David, David Voxmullen more than ever I wanted to. Never wanted to hurt him ever. Never. But we're going to take, we get a bunch of suggestions, and then we'll do like a draft where me and Bobby are going to be picking each other's topics. Yep. So if, just know, if marshmallow is a subject, it's probably going to come this way.

100% going to go in no way. It's probably going to come my way. How do I plug in marshmallows? Hot chocobelobulus. And hot choccalobulus. Oh, man, you guys got a fun show coming Thursday. I'll let you know that. Today's our double-day show.

Hey, our Thursday early show is funny. Hey, David, you should tune in Thursday if you're going to tune in at all. DVM, tune in. You want to see somebody go to work on somebody? You got off easy compared to Bobby. Dave, that one's for you, buddy. We owe yeah. We're going to find me eating shit somewhere, too.

Oh, I'm going to do that. Not the you ate shit. That's not what I'm trying to say. I'm going to stop talking. If you can be confidently not funny, you're still going to get away with it. That's what I'm saying about Monday. night if I go up there, I'm going to be confidently not funny if I start yapping to the crowd first.

Yeah, you don't want to do that. No. You don't want to use your 30-year skills. No. Just, yeah. I wanted to use my one skill I never developed. Joke writing. Apparently after Thursday show, neither did I.

Classic joke writing. All right. Let's take some of these calls, Bobby. All right, let's go. You want to throw some darts, Lou? Yeah, let's go to Michael in Pennsylvania. What's up? You're on with the bonfire.

Throw us a subject. Is that good? That was fantastic. Thank you. Hey, who's up, BJ? Not Dan. What's up, buddy? How are you?

Good. How about stuff? Oh, we're hanging in there. Do you have a good idea for a joke we should do? Yes, absolutely. Roadhead in modern cars. Oh. I had a thing about that already.

Oh, really? Yeah. The center console being so big and the ding-ding when you unbuckle the seatbelt? I didn't even think of the ding-ding. No, my thing just goes with my, I don't know how I did it when I was a teenager, because I did get it done to me when I was a teenager, but now there's no way that it could be done without a, unless I was leaned back like a Puerto Rican gangster,

there's no way that my belly isn't making her right ear lay. on the horn the whole time. I do like the, he actually thought the joke out a little bit, he wrote some of it for you, the ding ding from the seatbelt. Well, that's good. It was a good concept.

I'm gonna put it down, Bobby, because we can always throw this to you. Yeah. In modern cars. Suck my dick. Ding. He gave it to you. Oh my God, can you please click that?

Can you please click here? I'll have another one too. Fire, dude. Okay, so. And we're going to take names of these. This is Michael from PA. Mike from PA. Yep.

Do we have to announce that when we do the joke? This is from Michael and PA. We should let people know the ones we picked they should be able to get credit later on for what they did. At the end of the joke,

if it does it good, we should go, that's from Michael and PA. For Michael and PA. Yes. Michael and PA says, do a joke about roadhead and modern cars.

And here's my response. Hey, people, have you ever gotten roadhead and modern cars? I don't start the joke. All right. What's the other one? All right, so the next one is the difference between

Like, you remember back in the day when you were with a girl and was like, hey, first base, second base, third base? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So the difference between when you get older. And what the bases are? Yes. It all changes. Yeah, you just become the umpire and just watch people just.

Sports position becomes like second base, you know? You touch a titty. You're probably going to get in there. I understand what you say. I like it. I like it. It's in there. We have those two from Mike and PA.

All right, thank you, Mike. Good premise, Michael. Good premises. Thanks, Josh. You think he's just warming us up to he's going to try his night his own thing? Then we're going to see, like, joke thieves. Real nice. Who else you got?

Who else you got for us there, Lou? Hey, let's try Fredo in Texas. Fredo. Frado. Frato. Frado. I knew it was you, Frado. Fredo, what's up, buddy?

Yo. What's up, my man? What do you got? Throw us a couple of joke concepts here. Okay, so when I was young, We were always in the backyard hanging out, and I was always wondering, while my parents' keys, they always smelling their keys. I thought the keys smelled good.

And me, they just liked to smell the metal. But after that, they got all turned up, and they got excited. And then playing on that, we never had a bank account, never had credit cards. But they always had cards on them, and they always turned them out. So they always had a compact, and they always had credit cards. And same thing, every time they take them out, they go disappear together. But then they come back with their keys and their credit card. They never leave home without them, but we never had a car.

All right. Our concept, Jacob did fall apart from that one. Fall apart. Good job, Fredo. I will say the concept we're doing here is not hitting the way we wanted to. We're looking for... Preface. Basic premise.

These people were giving us constructed jokes about their family doing cocaine. Yeah, we need a premise. Like, on the first one, like, alligator farts. Having sex in modern cars. That was good. Roadhead in modern cars is a good thing. What was the other one he gave? That was the alright one too.

A difference between the bases young to old. Yeah, that was a good premise. We're looking for a premise. This was all worked out. Yeah, we don't want a flushed-out joke. And I'm sorry about what your parents did in front of you. Yeah, that was... You were a child.

None of that was your fault. Nothing. Whatever happened you wasn't your fault, Fredo. Don't blame yourself for that. So, yeah, we're looking for more like exactly, like going to the zoo with a kid. Yeah. Doing the thing. We're looking for more of the setup than the punch lines and stuff like that.

We'll knock it down. That's the skill. Can we take your premise? Yeah. And spike that ball. Yeah. By Monday. Can we do it?

Who we got, Lou? No, I know what you say. Seven million people do it on Kill Tony every Monday. Sure. But can me and Bobby do it once? Yeah, here's the thing. We're doing hours every weekend. We're always headlining.

Yes. Can we go back to our roots? Can I go back to my roots? And just go on here and just pop it and go, yo, here's some new thoughts. It's only my new thoughts. Not a set. Not designed into a set. Yeah.

Go up. Hey, guys, got a couple things here. I want to try out for you. Okay, how about this? Right, exactly. What do you got? We got Mike. It seems to be another Cokehead from Texas.

Okay. Okay, what's up? Mike, what's up? Slow down. Hey, you know, Fredo's parents sound like they party, so I'm down with that. Hell yeah, they did. My premise is just those rogue little ass nose hairs or beard hairs that get in your nose when you're just, no matter how fresh it is. Wait, say

The beard hair or nose hair? The beard hair, yeah. So like your mustache where it flips up in your nose and you just can't get rid of that shit. Okay. Okay, write that down. We both have mustaches.

Goes into... Nose. There you go. Mike in Texas. Okay? Do you have anything else, or is that it, Mike? That's just not. It's simple.

I'll let you guys... I'll let the pros handle it. Oh, we're going to... Thank you. Oh, we're going to. Thank you. I appreciate that. Mustache goes into nose. Love that.

Okay. else we got dutch in tampa good name what's up dutch all right what's up boys bobby i'm sorry i missed you in sarasota i am too dutch where were you i was at the cigar lounge waiting for you brother sorry about that my bad that's all right buddy next time what is this is dutch and tampa i got i got yeah i got two for you nice one running out of toilet paper in a public bathroom and possibly having to use a sock. Love it. Just alternative toilet paper.

Alternative toilet paper. Where are you going with it? Alternative toilet paper. Been there. And we got to say, listen. We also acknowledge me and Bobby, I don't know what you guys think. A lot of these things we've been given to us already are extraordinarily hack subjects. It's now our job to make, how do you take this running out of toilet paper and you got to blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. How do you bring that up to a professionally funny level? Right. And can we? Can we? We might not. I might just say you with the same thing. what's with the grill marks on the airplane food?

What is there a little tiny grill up there am I supposed to think? There's a thing, too. Running out of T.P. The best part about this is that they film all these shows. Oh, that's right. I forgot, yeah.

Don't have to fill out some kind of like they can use it forever in perpetuity. No, you've actually filled that up by walking through the door. Nice. I love that. Okay, running out of T. We got that one.

Dutch, do you have a second one? I do, but I'm still worried about you call me a hack, and now I'm going to have a... No, no, no, no, no. Dutch, Dutch, these are premises. Any subject is, any subject. Every subject's been covered already. Leave it to us.

We're going to take your subject and bring it to another level. I'd expect nothing less. All right, the second one is returning food on a date. Oh, okay. Damn, I kind of hope I get that one. Maybe you will. I kind of like that one, too. Yeah, that was a good, that's a great, that's a fucking great premise.

That's a great one, Dutch. Good premise. That's not even hacky, even sort of. No, that's going to go to Jay Zach. That's going to be his next hour. This could be my one-man show. He's going to have to pay you $50 for that joke. That's genuinely...

It would probably be great if you did that in a dinner show, maybe in a diner somewhere in New Jersey. No any places? I do. Well, there's one place I'm being performing a lot. It's coming around the pike pretty soon. It's a Greek diner. It's a Greek diner.

Thank you, Dutch. Those are too good. Those were great. Thanks, Dutch. Those were great. One person just wants us to know that David Vox Malins respond to comments. I know. We know. We know. We know. Listen on Thursday. We know. He's having fun. He's enjoying it. Ah. You want to try Don in Pittsburgh? Um, yeah. Don in the Berg.

What's up, Don? Hey, hey, fool. Don. What's up, buddy? It's a real honor to be talking to you guys, the legends. He's got a good What's your premise? Fluence in the science. Fluent in the science in the house. Fluent science here. I'd recently heard that Cardi B is planning on removing her BBL. And I was thinking now something you could work with or maybe even throw it's a fluence way, see where he goes with it.

We could. We could see one of us. That's another good one, Don. I got to give us another good one. Thank you very much, Don. Don, Don, in Pittsburgh. Cardi B removes BBC. I already got a thing on it.

BBL. BBL. BBL. BBL. What's a BBC? Big Black Cock. Oh, Big Black Cock. Well, it's also the British Broadcasting.

Right, yes. Whatever. But more importantly. But more importantly, Big Black Hawk. If it's typed into my computer, it's Big Black Cock. It's Big Black Cock. Yeah.

If it's typed in Jacobs' computer, it's the BBC. It's definitely the BBC. Something about ties and suspenders. It's another take on the Titanic that hasn't been done yet. Yeah, they're doing a documentary on hound hunting. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Who else do we have here? Wees, Brother Wees and PA? brother weez the wheeze wees weeze what's going on brothers what's up weez we's and p.A.

Hey man I've been listening to you guys since day one and you guys rocked oh thank you so much my man you got a joke premise for us here's the obvious bunch of people calling in to give you jokes it's meta Jesus Christ

he's being meta right in front of us it's right in front of us we were walking by that penny and we never met down to pick it up In to give jokes. Never did. It's fucking meta. It's just a matter. It's meta.

This is good. Because this can work in an alternative room. Well, I don't know what they call those now, but like an alternative room where you can kind of go in there. They call those rooms. Oh, just rooms now. Now you can just go and people, because that's where you go. It's like, dude, this is a joke I wrote by people calling in about the concept of people calling in to give me jokes. And they're just going to be like, whoa.

Head's going to explode. This might involve the audience snapping and rhythm. This joke. I don't know yet. I'm just thinking out loud. I'm brainstorming early. It might have more claptor than laughter in this joke, which is fine. You'd be surprised how quick I could turn this into a fucking free Palestine message.

Is that it? You blow minds, brothers. You blow minds. I punch it out. Thank you, wheeze. It's wheeze. Wees are you? Wees.

Let's take one more here. Let's take one more. We've got Jerry, Jerry, Jerry in Kansas. Jerry. Yeah. You're on the bonfire. What's up, Jerry? Hey, I really enjoy you guys.

Thank you. Thank you, my man. You got some joke premise for us? Yeah, a truck driver pulls on a scale, and a police officer gets up on side of his truck, the clock to him, and he says, ow. Now you've got to come up with the reasons. What?

Wait. What? I didn't understand almost 100% of that. Black Lou act, he knew, but then he didn't know it all. Do you say it again, but slower and the different. accent? That's the only accent I have. I try a white guy accident.

This guy couldn't be a wider. Not your white guy. Like New York white guy. Like a rich white guy from New York. Like, hey, how are you? Like that. Eddie Merritt. Talk like a black guy, white guy. Hey, how are you?

There you go. Now say it again. All right. A trust driver's. stops on a scale and the police officer gets up on the side of his truck and he says, Al,

now you come up with the reason why. I have a story for it. Okay. Don't tell us that. That would be next week. We'll have to get the actual thing we write a joke about it. Why does

the police officer, I'm right, P.O. Step up on truck. On truck. truck scale on truck that's on scale truck is on the scale please have a steps up on the truck to check it officer says ow officer says ow I get it different type of joke I get it says ow that's a challenge that's a challenge that's a bit of riddle it's a challenge yeah I

like that do it I believe in you thank you Jerry thank you sir Jerry thank you and you did a you did a perfect black guy doing a white guy by the way really clear things up Well, thank you. My daughter was married to a black guy, so I think that's why. Oh, that's why you stay on that road trucking, dude. No kidding. That's why you stay on that road trucking? Oh, my God. What are you going to do, sitting there and tell them to turn their music down every single night? No way, dude. You know what they're doing in that room.

I never have a daughter. That's the ideal situation. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I had a daughter. I just ran away from her life when she was 12, so I never had to worry about those things. See, I was just missed mine, so that was the problem. Boring. Thank you, Jerry. Thanks, buddy.

Can I tell you done their story, please? Sure. I was in St. Louis delivering an X-ray machine at the airport one time. A what machine? X-ray. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I forgot. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Thank you, Jerry. Walked out of the airport With a very well-groomed Standard poodle Okay So she's high-end, your dog's high-in I'm standing there with the police officer She walks right over to the grass

And lets the dog crap In a paper towel in her hand And the dog was looking back at her like What in the heck are you doing? Oh, I feel like the dog is aware that she does this all the time. Yeah. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

Caught it in a paper towel. What did she do with it, though? Did she eat it? Or did she wrap it up and throw it? She did sniff it a little bit. She sniffed it. She's into some sick shit. Those rich people are to some sick shit.

I bet that goes back to the Epstein files. Oh, P. Diddy. Or at least P. Diddy. Yeah, P. Diddy paid her? That very least the punishment. Take that. Take that. Take that.

Thank you so much, Jerry. Have my stand, put a little shit in her napkin and smit it. Shit my poop. It's the only way I come. Yo, I have to hire a male motherfucking stripper to come over here and doogie my girl's paper towel hand. Give me a favor. I want you to take the dog downstairs,

have a shit in her paper towel in front of the cop. Damn. And then sniff it. If a girl lets you shit in her hand that she's got a paper towel and she loves you. Yeah. For sure. She loves that dog. Here's what we got so far, Bobby. Yes. We have mustache goes into nose. There's a premise.

Running out of toilet paper and alternatives for that. I like that one running running out of toilet paper in a public place Yes which matters sure Returning food on a date so good That's really okay returning food on a date the very meta idea That people are calling in to give us jokes and then we will be in fact doing a joke about people calling in to give us jokes So it's people calling in to tell us

The joke itself will be about people calling in to give us jokes when this joke in fact will be the joke you wrote it's like one of those like I don't know what's going on it's like when someone takes a picture of someone looking in a mirror there's a thousand of you in that picture it never ends and it got the whole world laughing

it's still my favorite thing ever the weirdest when the guy on was it Australia's got talent the kid came out with the big teeth and like he I guess he stole jokes the first he did one of the first weekend killed and then they finally stole jokes like before the next episode came out and when he came out the next episode he got the game you know he's moved on so they couldn't disqualify him so then he comes out they should have actually disqualified him but they instead let him come out and try again and he goes out and he did instead of doing he did like two or three jokes bombed and then did a full stage production of i started a joke and sang the whole song with the background singers and everything it's fucking crazy you never seen it that? No. Now. Do you have that, Christine? It's so worth it while I talk about these. I'm going to assign you one of these. Can we go through the mall first? Oh, yes. I'm sorry. I thought we did. My apologies. You're right. Why, we have the riddle of why would the police officer who jumps up

on the truck that's on the scale at the way station for truckers, cop jumps up on the truck, says, Al. Why? Yeah, we have a, oh, roadhead in the modern era, roadhead in a modern cars. Roadhead in a modern car. Difference between the sex bases from young to old, what they were when you were young to what they should be now when you're older. Difference between the sex spaces between now. And when you were young.

When we were young. You're kid, yeah. Cardi B removes her BBL. Cardi B removes her BBL. That's all we have. Not her BBC. Not her BBC. What do you say it removes or BBLs?

That's an implant or they just raise your ass? No, they just take out all the fat. It's all fat they put. Whatever they put in it. So what? They put her fat back. Well, it depends if they got implants or if they got like, just like that fat injection shit. So if she removes it, she's either getting fat sucked out or silicone, some balloon taking out.

Something, yeah. She's getting something taken out, maybe. But therein lies to ha-ha. Also, maybe this isn't true at all. That's right. Right. Therein lies the... She's undergoing further procedures to remove her remaining butt injections and implants.

Okay. There you go. She's had to fix some issues from past illegal biopolymer silicone injections. Good, good, good. That's permanent. Yeah. I know. How about the people when it's like, didn't you have people who got like a BBL and it's like,

they put cement in my ass. Like cement. It's crazy. Easy. You just come out of that and he goes, after a week you go, I don't think this is right. I think this is cement. Why don't you think it's right? I don't know, man, because local kids keep coming by and putting handprints in there and they just stay.

I just watched, there's a documentary coming out on a penis enlargement. Gerth only, girth only. Yeah, that you are. But there's two versions that you can do. You can either get some, it's kind of something acid that they put in, make your lips blow up. It's the same thing they'll make your dick widen. Really? whiten out.

Yeah. That's the safest one. That's the safest one. You have to do like multiple treatments. The acid is the safest one. That's the safest one because it dissipates. Okay. It's a, it's a filler that natural filler that goes away.

It'll go away. So your dick will be fatter for a little bit. Yes. You have to keep maintaining it. So this is like when you meet a new girl. There are guys, they said that they're, a lot of them, they're already huge. They're just, they're crazy. A lot of them are going broke doing this.

They just can't stop widening. out their penis. A lot of girls do that. Well, it's only going to get so wide, but you'll get to your maximum possible width. Well, what they do is they give you, they actually make you keep holding bigger size dildos or something like that to say, this is what I want my penis to be. And then the doctor says, well, that's going to be seven procedures, seven injections. Well, can't they just make something up that actually makes a vagina smaller and tighter?

Yeah, instead of their big, disgusting pussies and make my wiener feel small? Yeah, can they just make that tighten up? Can they get like a... Can it be their fault? Can they get the stuff you put under your eyes to make the bags go away, just rub it inside of a pussy so it tightens up? Yeah, we already make them get abortions and shit.

Like, can't you just deal with all of it and shut up already? Yeah, their body, their choice. Yeah. But your body, your choice is enough, shut up, make your pussy tight. Yeah, man. You can get your puss tightened, I think.

Really? How? How'd you get your face? Vaginal rejuvenation, they call it. Yeah, you can tighten your puss. It's in the Godfather book. I don't read the book. I saw the movie.

But anyway, the second version of that is, You knew I didn't know that, you asshole. He knew we both didn't know that. No, I said that before. I don't like the way you said. He goes, you know that? No, you know I didn't, you jerk off. You knew both of us didn't read the fucking Godfather book.

That makes you feel good? Yeah, you feel good now? You feel a big man, Mr. fucking U.S. soccer team? Yeah, Mr. fucking, we're not good enough to talk to ladies. The movie's much better. Okay. You're fine. But the other version is silicone and it's permanent.

Silicon injections. But the problem is the silicone moves with time. So they end up having a lot of them It just clumps into like a pyramid At the head of their penis And it just looks like mangled And they end up having to have surgery

And some of them can't be fixed So it's a silicone injection The permanent version of the silicone And then your head turns into a pyramid? All the silicone travels It's just like because your penis It's just like all the silicone just drops to the head of your penis So you have like one of those, like, you know, those monkeys with the big long noses, like one of those dicks?

Like a monkey nose dick? Like a monkey nose dick? Worse, I think. Really? Yeah. You never saw those monkeys with the big dick noses? Mm-mm. Wow.

All right. Big monkey dick nose? You never saw the big monkey dick nose? Thought your documentary guy. Yeah, I thought you were into that stuff. I thought you were in nature. I didn't make the documentary. I thought you were.

I heard about it. If it's not written, you don't check it out. I thought you were a nature guy. Yeah. There you go. I thought you knew about nature. What is this? Is this their dicks with the thing, with the silicone in it?

Is that what it is? No, this is with the acid fillers. Oh, God. Hyaluronic acid? But do you have to have those lumps on your dick? I don't know. What's the girth change? Changes a lot.

It varies. The more you do it, the thicker it gets. Could it fuck your bone or up? I don't think so. They said it's the safest one. I don't like that. That doesn't look good. Yeah, it looks like a missile dick.

Yeah, I don't want, yeah, that's the problem. I don't want my fucking my shaft to get much thicker than my dickhead. My dickhead doesn't get thicker? That's what I'm saying. We're looking at a picture. The guy's already got a big piece. Yeah, the guy had a solid dick already.

I don't think you can get your dickhead bigger. I think your dick head is, the cake is baked. I think the dick part is flexible. Possibly, but that's what I'm saying. So I don't, then I definitely would not want substantial girth change. First of all, that guy's dick right there was perfect, may I say. He's got a fantastic dick. Fantastic dick.

And then he ruined it. Now it looks like... That's what they said. Most of them already have a large penis. Now he has a water balloon dick. Yeah, but now it's ugly. Yeah, it's an ugly there. That guy shouldn't have done that.

Is there another example? Oh, God. It just looks odd. I only want four skin dicks, please. All right, now here you go. Now this guy did the... What's the difference there, though? What is his girth difference?

Sorry, it keeps jumping on that. Where did he go? Where's this guy's thickness? that's a I don't know if you can if there's pictures of the mangled ones but apparently it's disgusting let's see

he had a 4.7 I hate this site I hate it too well anyway I mean it can go like like a two inch difference The mangled took me to like a surgery thing I'm trying to find just a shit

I think like that's it Oh god What's one is that? Where the silicone all goes into the head. Don't get that the fuck out of here. Get that out of here. Yeah. I don't want to see it.

No? No. Why are you scrolling? I hate it. Oh, my God. Why shouldn't you have been taking the guy's full cop off? Oh, fuck. They talked about one guy, apparently.

He lost his entire family. He just kept going for injections. They had no money. They couldn't afford food. But he kept going for injections, lost their house. That looks good. Went back, had to move back with an ex-girlfriend and then moved back with his mom, and he still goes back for an injection. So you get addicted to it.

I want this in theory, but I got to be honest, none of them look good. You get addicted to it. Nice. I think the thing is to stop. Like, one or one might be right. Well, let's, Jay, we got to pick these jokes right now. No, we don't. We have a day tomorrow.

We can get more suggestions here. I'm not coming in tomorrow. Oh. I'm going to work on my jokes all day. Shit. Well, I'll tell them to you when we get them more tomorrow. Bobby's going to be at Comics Roadhouse, April 17th and 18th. Let's not forget this Thursday.

Oh, that's right. Sold out. Sold out. My apologies. But you can catch them in Cleveland, Ohio, Uncle Vinny's in New Jersey, New Orleans, and so many more at punchup. com.com. His YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy and every Tuesday night,

7 p.m. the fat black pussycat lounge right at the comedy show. But I will be at the Roadhouse to 17. and the 18th. Yes. I will be there. And Big Jay, this weekend, comedy on state, best club,

one of the best clubs in the country and the world this weekend, 19th through the 21st. After that, he'll be in Phoenix, Tempe, St. Louis. For all tickets and tour dates,

go to Big J.com and go to his YouTube page, YouTube.com slash at Big J. Ocasan. This crazy train, Irish. That's it, baby. Happy St. Patty's Day,

everybody. Happy St. Paddy's Day. Go get drunk.