The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - I'm Neutral (feat. Conan O'Brien)

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Comedy legend Conan O'Brien is in the building to promote his SXM channel and new TV show. Bobby connects with him over growing up in Boston. When his segment is over, Christine explains what a diva cup is used for.

And now the bonfire with big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly What a big day I'm excited We've got ten minutes with Conan O'Brien coming up on the show in a few minutes. Tell me right now glasses and no glasses Jay. Oh No glasses. You look more approachable. Thanks. I Look less approachable now. No, now you look more approachable. I look more approachable, okay. Yeah, the glasses... Too cool for school?

Build a wall. Build a wall of what? Coolness? Maybe he'll think you're cool if you wear the glasses. Oh shit. I don't know. How about this? Big Jefferson, that's Robert Kelly. This is the Bonfire. We're such giddy girls. How about now?

I'll tell you one thing that's never changed about the Bonfire. We want guests. And then they go, they're coming in. And then I go, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know what to say. I'm going to be a fool. You always do fantastic with guests. When they come in, I mellow out. But you're good at going.

Yeah. Like you start, you get it going. I get it going and then you... Going, thanks for being here, man. Serious Sex Sam, you're part of the family now. This is great. And I just sit didn't go like this And then eventually go I you're on a show

You a guitar I just know key words. I really something comes at the show Bob comes out Yeah, sure sure Bob for sure show biz Bob comes out. I mean talk to me about this run I mean this seems like a pretty big deal. And he's like, well, it is a big deal, baby. Baby, baby. Baby, it is a big deal. What are you doing? Hey, did somebody in here fart?

Hey, did somebody in here crack ass? Because I gotta tell you, I'm smelling something wild. Wild, and I know bum. I think I'm making my Barry Manilow Tony Bennett. It's all right. Potato potato. Potato potato. All right, here we go.

No, it's just Jacob. God damn it, I was ready to go. God damn it, this happens every time too. He keeps getting pushed back and we keep going, oh. The dude Show Bob almost came out accidentally. Yeah, it's way too early. Way too early. No, you can't Show Bob when it's just us in the room,

we're gonna look like fools. No, look like an asshole just being't show Bob when it's just us in the room, we're gonna look like fools. No, look like an asshole just being like, hey. Hey, welcome to the Bonfire, we're here, we got a big old yet in the studio. Hey, what's going on? I heard you had a show coming out where you travel. I love travel, what do you got? Yeah, this is great, I'm excited.

We have a guest, the lights are on. I like when the lights are on. I wish we could find a, I like it dark. I know Count Dracula, you like it dark and relaxed. But I like it dark. Let me finish my sentence. But I would like some red lights or some of the blue lights on.

Just a little. Oh yeah, no I'd love not these floodlights. Yeah these floodlights are a little too much. They show my face veins. You don't have face veins. You don't have face veins. Oh, I do have face veins. What's a face vein? Oh, I have face veins.

What's a face vein? There's little veins in your face. You have adorable face. I see nothing on your, oh, there they are. Oh, Christ. Oh, God, there they are. Oh, shit. I see them now.

I never would have saw them. Now, I'll never not see them. Yeah. I have face freckles. I got a whole bunch of shit going on. Come on. You're a real cutie patootie. Thank you, Jake. Goddamn, you got great eyebrows.

That does build my confidence. Your eyebrows are probably the best in the biz, I would say. My eyebrows are dope. Dope. My eyebrows stay dope. You got a great hairline, dope. I'm gonna go to Isai tomorrow. What?

Have his fat ass trim me up. What? I'm gonna go to Isai tomorrow. I thought we used to go together. We did, but then you made a good point. You don't have hair and you don't like having a full beard. But I do like a goddamn sexy Spanish guy softly touching my face.

He's packed on a few. No. No. Last time, remember, two times ago he told me I used to be fat, but now I look pretty good. And then he made a shaving mistake. I told you this. He made a shaving mistake on himself. He said last time I was there, so he had the beard shaved off no and yeah, no face was all pudged out Yeah, he's married got married. Oh, that's it right there. We got to talk to him old Spanish man

Maybe need somebody to talk to maybe well he's young, but he's becoming an old Spanish you get married And that's it dude now he packs on the pounds the LB's. It's kind of that little ollie belly button. Hey there. He is How are you? You got room for me? Yeah, right over here. How you doing, man? Good to see you. How are you?

Good to see you. Tony and O'Brien, everybody. What's happening, man? Good to see you. How you doing? How are you? Still good to see you. Thanks for walking right past you.

No worries, man. Good to see you. Thanks for popping in. What's happening? We're just talking about great hair and you popped in. Yeah. That was good timing. I'm in the Lucille Ball school of just do whatever you have to do to stay a redhead.

Yeah, it looks great. I'm in my 90s. What am I doing? This seems like a, okay, there we go. I think that's good. Yeah, that's perfect. Have you had, what was the age where you got past hair panic in your life?

Where you're like, it's gonna stay. I think, I wanna say it was about 10 years ago. You were like, it's not coming back. I realized this clown hair is not going anywhere. I lost hair everywhere else. It's so good. It's, I mean, you're a silhouette. My body is just...

Just alopecia, the whole body? Yeah, technically. Nice. It does happen as you get older. But I'm like a doll. But, yeah, I just thought, I need... I think I willed this hair to stay you did it Yeah, I just willed it. I just because it became It's such a part of who I am. I'm like a logo or a cartoon character, right?

So it's got a it can't go and I think if it started to go I would go to Switzerland for some crazy treatment I would do whatever it took. It's funny to not have the things you don't worry about when it's not your problem. Like I've had weight my whole life, I've had the manage. The hair, I have so many friends that like do all kinds of injections in their head and Dan got the transplant and everything.

And I'm just like, hair's just not gonna bother me. You know the move that fascinates me, every now and then you'll meet a guy who clearly lost their hair when they were 20, and now they're like 60, 65, 70, and they've got an Elvis wig that they put on, and the hairline is just a straight line

like a magic marker, and it's practically, you could just tie a bow around the bottom of the chin. It in no way matches anything else in the rest of their body. It's jet black. I'm referencing someone I used to know, I used to work with a long time ago. And he had that and you'd get on the elevator with him and you'd think, who do you think? You're full, yeah. You just put this thing on, it's waterproof, water beads on it. But I don't understand why you can't say anything.

There's like an unwritten rule. You can't. I worked at a club, Club Gemini, it was a shit club up in Monterey, and the two guys who owned it were like mob wannabe guys, but they were twins and they both had the same wig, but it was a wig from like the 80s, so it was like spiked and then it had the mullet.

I got a mullet wig. And they were like, okay, you're gonna work for these guys, don't look at their hair. Don't talk about it. You can't look at it. You can't even look at it. I'm the guy, but I'm the percentage of people that they're fooling because I've always had to be,

I've never been like, just got a two-pack. No, no, no, what I'm talking about is absolute Halloween costume. It's like they've put a wedding cake on their head. It's that obvious. I believe, I'm that, not thinking about it, that many, many times, there was a guy who owned

that comedy club in Kansas City, Stanford and Sons. I did that club 11 times, spent extensive time with that weirdo, and then he passed away and they were like, I wonder if they buried his toupee with him, and I was like, oh. You didn't just have weird hair. I just go, this guy, I go, him with his weird voice

and his goofy hair, but I just thought it was his hair. As a guy who lost his hair young, I was on the, I would hunt celebrities. I knew Travolta was bald and he wore a wig before they caught him on the red carpet when he one day wore a long hair wig and the next day wore the short hair wig. I mean, he wore the short hair wig

and the next day would have- Do you think there was part of him though that just didn't care anymore? I mean, he looks great bald. That's the frustrating part. That's the really one when someone tries to fight it for so long and they're like, I just gotta shave it off. Oh, look at that,. That's the frustrating part. That's the really one when someone tries to fight it for song and they're like, I just got to shave it off. Oh, look at that, I'm still fantastically handsome.

You're a good looking fellow. If you shave... Say it again, say it again. I said you're a good looking fellow. Okay. And you need to accept that. I accept it, thank you, dad. But this whole idea that people started shaving their head

and everyone looks amazing. Well, it depends on, my mom says that you should thank me for your head, your good looking head. You have a good round head. Because she said I turned you every 30 minutes in the crib. So every 30 minutes my mother would come in and turn me so I had a good head. She's a very sick woman.

She's an Irish Catholic woman from Boston. No seriously, that's, she didn't, that's just, that's weird and, and. Also, yeah. I didn't say what else she did in the crib. When you were born also, your mother was very loose, so did no head damage. Well, I just called my mom a whore, which is...

You were the 13th kid. So you walked out upright, wearing a full tuxedo. Very, very. Yeah, that's what I would worry about is the shape of my head. I think it would be an oddly shaped head. So I'm not gonna go that way. If it starts to go, I'm, people get mad

when I'm not what they think I'm supposed to be. So if my hair's combed down, cause I got out of the shower and I didn't comb it back or whatever, and people encounter me, they're angry. Because you're not, you don't have the- I failed them. Mickey Mouse went out and isn't wearing his red shorts.

You know, it's, I'm not living up to the logo. And they also, if I am neutral, like, just walking around kind of thinking, and neutral people everywhere, especially doorman here in New York, they're like, Conan, what's the matter? What's the problem? What are you down about?

I'm like, I'm neutral. I'm just neutral. I'm neutral, but they're used to me having this energy. Two tourists put their Team Coco signs down. Yeah, yeah. No. He's not what we thought he was. Do you have to, the one thing about being bald,

I don't have to do my hair anymore. Right. You wish you did though. I hated it. You take the time. I hated it, I had to put gel in it, I used to hang upside down and hairspray it. The gel is the best part. Oh, the gel was the worst.

You get to lick it off your fingers. It's fantastic. I do miss that part. I miss the listen-bose. Oh, your fingers are sticky later for some reason. Yeah, they're sticky. What's that about? It's so fantastic.

You can turn pages of a book without even really touching them. I loved it. I have to say, I really did. Now, who's everyone else in this room? Okay, I see you guys. This is Jacob. Jacob, good to see you, Jacob. That's Black Lou. Me, I'm the Black Lou. I think to say I really did. Now who's everyone else in this room? Okay, I see you guys. This is Jacob. Jacob, good to see you, Jacob.

That's Black Lou. Me, I'm the Black Lou. I think you're pointing to me. So you're Black Lou. Yes. That's it. That's it. Which one of you fellows is Black Lou?

Oh, oh there you are Black Lou. This is Lou also who you think we would call White Lou, but that's DJ Lou. DJ Lou, Black Lou. That's Christine, lovely Christine. Christine, how are you? Good, how are you doing? I'm very nice.

That's Paco, who's a comedian, slash doing the video today for us. Videography for us. Very good. Christine. He's got like, he's like Zapruder. He's just moving along very smoothly with the action. I like it.

Christine was reminding me before the show, where I totally forgot the, when I did your show. I paneled on the show out in LA, and I did have like, she's right, I have a hard time telling people, I just said I have a million best friends all of a sudden, they're like, could we be on the backstage thing? I guess, sure.

And then Louis, our friend Louis J. Gomez, and his girlfriend Kim Kong, at the time, I remember at one point losing them, down there, because it was the common space, and then the dressing rooms. And the common space had two massage chairs. Yes, massage chairs. Two nice massage chairs.

At one point we couldn't find Louis and Kim. I'm trying to be light footprint. I'm hanging out in my room exclusively. I came out to say hi to you the one time, and then we're like, where's Louis and Kim? Both of them. The massage chairs go full flat serious massage they go full flat both of them are full flat and I'm going hearing the vibration so much so dominating that room that Andy Samberg had to ask say excuse me and slot you

know had to like go by them to get in his dressing room I was like I think I brought the wrong people back here. It was interesting. Our dressing room was never set up with, I guess some shows have real proper barriers between A-list celebrities and- And me. No, I was including you.

Me and my trash friends. You're on the A-list as far as I'm including you in the, you're in the A list as far as I'm concerned. I have a very big A list. I'm also on my A list. This is an enormous list. But, it's like a club anyone can get into, my A list. But I, we, I just remember at times like,

someone like Jennifer Aniston would be on our show and then the show would be over and she's walking out and she's got her bag and she's maybe with her makeup person and someone would be like, hey, Jenny Aniston! And it would be the uncle of a guy who was there to fix the HVAC. You want friends?

Sign this! Give me a hug, baby, give me a hug. This is wrong. I'm gonna kick myself in the ass later if I don't ask for a picture. If I don't ask for a big smooch. I wouldn't know what the back room looks like. Anywhere?

I didn't get on your show. You didn't get on my show, but you've been on Fallon. I was on Fallon once, and I did audition for your show one time. I was at... There's an audition for our show? Oh, shit. Well...

I knew it was bullshit. At the Creek in the Cave. I think someone was screwing with you. I swear there was an audition. At the Creek in the Cave, come all around city. You want to go on Conan? You must pass very strict. You must clear a high bar to get on Conan.

It was stand-up New York, and they were like, Auditions for Conan tonight. I was on the list. I was last and I prepared my set. I worked it all week. I was so, I got it and then as they brought me up, the whole crew of people that were there to audition people got up as I was going on stage and left.

They found them. They found the right person. I lied on the stage and just talked to God for seven minutes. I was like, what did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Well, I'm gonna say this.

First of all, our loss, all right? Oh, I like that. Seriously, but second, I've had so many times in my career where I thought, that's it, I'm done. And I'm going back way before anyone would, going back to like 1985, 86, jobs that I wanted to get, things that I thought I was destined to do, I was destined to work for David Letterman.

If I didn't get that one, they had one writing job open. I was gonna be on writer for David Letterman and be a writer performer, and there was one job open, and I put a packet together, and it was good, and they told me that they liked it, and I thought, this is and it was good and they told me that they liked it and I thought this is gonna happen. And then they told me it was between me and another guy and they went with the other guy.

And I thought that's it, I'm screwed, same thing. Why, what did I do? And then later on it became clear to me that if I had gotten that gig, all the millions of kooky things that had to go wrong for me to get the gig I was supposed to have wouldn't have happened. You're right, because-

So you just gotta look at it that way. The week that it was supposed to be on your show, I got Poughkeepsie. Yeah, oh. And I did Poughkeepsie. So I wouldn't have got that gig. You would not have gotten the Poughkeepsie, and you wouldn't have had that food poisoning.

I wouldn't have gotten that. The food poisoning you had at that cheesecake factory would never have happened. It was an Indian buffet, but yes. Don't put that evil on Cheesecake Factory. It's a solid road recommendation. I actually, your cousins were the friend of mine. Your third cousins were the friend of mine.

Is that a famous friend? Yes. Is it Dennis Leary? Dennis Leary. Yes. I didn't know that you were cousins with him. Well, Dennis brings me up as a cousin when my career is going well.

And when it's not, he says, no, that's just a rumor. So I can always gauge how I'm doing when Dennis has brought me up. He's a very nice guy. He's a very nice guy. I mean, the older he gets, he looks more like Ellen. Yes. Oh my God.

No, seriously. And I'm more and more like Ellen. Yes! Oh my God, no, seriously. And I'm more and more like Dame Judi Dench or something. You know, it's like, we're all becoming the female version of ourselves as our testosterone levels plummet as we get older. But yes, you're right, he looks a lot like Ellen. Looks like Ellen, and who's the other lady he looks like? It's so funny, because he got mistaken for,

we were doing a show and someone came up to him and got his autograph but thought he was, who was the guy from Platoon who did the thing at the. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Wilhelm Dafoe. William Dafoe, they were like, I always want. Wilhelm Dafoe, that's a mean one. William Dafoe's a mean one. I'm always happy if someone thinks,

usually because I look so much like this one specific guy named Conan that what I do get is you look a lot like, no one thinks that I'm 6'4". They just don't. I think I have the personality of a very small man. And they, so people always, I have people come up to me and say,

oh my God, you look so much like Conan O'Brien, only taller. And then I just say like, yeah, that guy's a prick. I've heard, I just like to talk shit about myself. Which is fun. No, thank God I'm not him. That guy's a monster. He's a monster.

And I'm from Beantown too, you're from Boston. Yeah, where are you from? Medford. Medford. Yeah, Medford. I'm going there, not to Medford, but I'm going to Boston on Friday to go see family. Oh, that's great.

And so I'm here doing just promotional stuff for my new project, and then I'm gonna go to Boston, and my folks live in the same house that I grew up in. And they're still with us, it's incredible. Wow. Like my dad's 95, my mom's 92. Something about those genes, my grandfather lived to 101, my grandmother to 96.

Yeah. Yeah, there's something about those genes and everybody still goes back to the one place every year. My uncle lives in that house now and it's like, you know, 50 of us. Yeah. All just in the one place and they still have no respect for what I do. No. My mother wants me to be a hairdresser.

I had an uncle. There's still time. I had an uncle who always wanted me to be a lawyerresser. Still. I had an uncle. There's still time. I had an uncle who always wanted me to be a lawyer because he was a lawyer. He went to Holy Cross College and he was just like, you know, you gotta, Worcester, Massachusetts, you live there and he said, you gotta be a lawyer, you gotta be a lawyer.

And then I got a job as a writer on Saturday Night Live and he was like, nah, it's better if you're a lawyer. And I said, this is good, this is really good. And then they started putting me on SNL a little bit every now and then, and people would say like, oh, that's great, Conan got to be on SNL last night. He did this sketch with Tom Hanks. You wanna be a lawyer.

And he would say to me, as a lawyer, you get to be your own director, but also you're the star too, because you're in front of the judge. And I'm like, what is he talking about? But then it's announced, I'm going to replace David Letterman and be the new host of Late Night. This is in 1993.

Out of nowhere, crazy, he calls me up. This is a mistake. You should be a lawyer. Come on. Seriously. And then he runs into, at some Holy Cross event, the guy that runs NBC at the time, Bob Wright, and he gets in his face and says,

what is all this about making Conan a late night? He should be a lawyer! Bob Wright calls me up and says, who is this guy? He was absolutely insane. I mean, to his dying day, he thought, hey, kid blew it. I like that, it's funny, it seems like Boston is the thing, is they're not impressed with what you do. No.

I think the Philly where I'm from was much more, it didn't matter what, you goes, I got on stage for the first time yesterday and they have like a, oh, Mr. Doot-a-doo. You get a, okay, big shot now, huh? Yeah. You're better than everybody else. They want you to lend me a couple bucks.

It was open mic night. Yeah. Yeah, okay, we're fancy pants out here. No, there's a thing there about you, if you in any way, what's interesting is if you, if you, like my story in Boston is, I'm staying at a hotel in Boston, and I go in to use the men's room,

and this woman who I wanna say is like in her 60s follows me into the men's room. I'm at the urinal and she sees me and she follows me in just to like get a selfie or an autograph into the men's room and I went, oh excuse me and she was like, oh Mr. Big Shot. Like it's called common decency.

You know, I can't follow up. Oh Mr. Prepping for surgery over here. Oh, whoa, oh. Legs to urinate without a woman in the bathroom with him. Yes, I do. You know, I've seen it on a level before. That's a tough thing with like, you know, walking down the street level celebrity.

It was Sal from Practical Jokers. It's the same when you, if you even do a, and funny, we were coming from your pop-up club we I did in San Diego at Comic Con We were bought and we had to go from one place to the other and we were walking and some ago So I'm like, oh man south from practical joke. What's up, man? He's like, hey guys, I'm sorry Like I have to write a can I get a picture? He's like, I'm sorry like we're running late or if something else I mean half of them the block he just starts screaming. I watch your show too, man. That's messed up

That's messed like he's mad at him now, like you've lost a friend. There's a great movie, you guys may know, King of Comedy, obviously with Robert De Niro, but Jerry Lewis is in it, pretty much playing himself, and there's this great scene where, it's a Scorsese movie, Jerry Lewis is playing pretty much kind of like a Johnny Carson,

and he's walking down the street and they shot it, him just walking around and people, construction workers are going, Jerry, Jerry. Everyone's shouting out Jerry, Jerry, and he's walking along and this woman steps out and says, Jerry, can you talk to my son? And he just very politely says, can't right now. And she says, you should get cancer!

And that flip, I've always loved that because. It's real. I've experienced it. And my default is try to do everything for everybody. But it's a hostage situation. Oh yeah. But the minute you're like, you know, I really gotta go. I hope you die.

It's such a quick flip. I mean, you're like, I just have another responsibility I have to get to, it goes, whatever man. Yeah. And like, the owing you of like, I watched your show for years, and this is how you repay me? This is how you repay me?

And this is how you repay me? For me watching you without you knowing it? This is what I get? When you started doing comedy, I think, I was at the Wilbur, doing a show, I was so excited, I'm doing the Wilbur. Yep. Doing a show. I was so excited. I'm doing the Wilbur.

It's a theater out of the clubs. And you were doing the Wang. Yep. Right next door. Right next door, yeah. Same night. And I'm, nobody's coming to my show. Right.

And I'm out front smoking a cigar. And as they're walking by, they're going, Bobby! Big fan! I was like, where are you going? I didn't know you were next door. Right. Like, yeah, we're going to see Conan next door. Right. And I was like, Bobby, big fan. I was like, where you going? I didn't know you were next door. Like yeah, we're going to see Conan next door. And I was like, what the fuck? So then I went into the room and I used to,

the song I used to know about going back to Boston, what's that song, is that what it's called? Who's that band? Dropkick Murphys. Yeah, Dropkick Murphys. I used to come out to that. They were on, they were on that show, yeah. They were literally next door opening for him, the band. That's hilarious.

That's why I changed it to Godsmack that night. I was like, get it off. I want nothing to do with that. That son of a bitch. I know there's times we have to rap with you here. I know you have a new. Why, what are you talking about? Why are we throwing me out?

Why are we throwing you out, Jake? He has rap fingers. He scares us. Can I stay five more minutes? I have nowhere to go. Please, yes. I'm not kidding. I actually wanted to ask you this,

you have a new travel show. I was gonna be like, after the career you've had, you wanna travel around a bunch now? But I was like, most of your career has been like sort of like stationary same place. Yeah. You probably missed a lot of traveling. Yeah, one of the things that happened is,

for almost 30 years, I'm in a desk, and everyone I'm talking to has, who comes down and sits next to me, not everybody, but a lot of people, I'm like, so tell me what you're up to, Jeff Goldblum. Well, I just got back from Budapest where I was living for six months making a movie that takes place in the 15th century.

Right on impression, by the way. Oh yeah, oh, I can really do it. Actually, he's always like, oh my boy. Because I asked him once, he's wearing these glasses I like. I'm a big guy with a big head and Obloom's wearing these glasses and glasses never look right on me. And I said, those would look good on me. And he's like, oh my, oh my boy, oh my boy, yes, mmm, mmm. And then he tells me, Jacques-L'Am Marage, mm, those are the glasses for you.

Oh yes, yes, you must go down to, mm, downtown L.A., mm, call Jacques-Marie, mm, here's the number. And it was just like, oh my God, he's doing a full Jeff Goldblum. Yeah, yeah, he's doing it. And I went and got him, and then put him on, and they look amazing, and so. These are them.

That's they, yes. That's the, put them on, let me see what they look like. This is Jeff Goldblum, they're like. Those look good's them, yes. Put them on, let me see what they look like. This is Jeff Goldblum. Those look good on you. Oh, hmm, oh, hmm, oh, and you're the one that, oh, and you know what to do, you know, oh, hmm. Yeah, they're incredible, they're great. Those look good on you.

Yeah, and so, but anyway, years and years of people sitting down next to me and saying, I just got back from Shtad, I just got back from, and I just had so much envy, I loved the gig so much, but I started wanting to do travel shows, and we started doing them in the, you know, about 10 years ago, we started doing them just for fun during my vacations.

I would tell my wife I'm off to Finland to shoot a travel show, and she would be like, okay, you're dead to me, but all right. Baby, you don't wanna see Finland this time of year. Yeah, you don't wanna see Finland right now. But then when it was time, I knew I didn't wanna do another, I didn't wanna do more of what I'd already done.

So I do this podcast and I talk to just people all around the world once a week. And the nickel dropped when one of them said to me, well, if you're ever in, the next time you're in Norway, come by and see me. And I thought, that's funny. It'd be cool if I show up with a camera crew and then get involved in his life and make it worse,

which is what I do. And so that's what happened. It starts with me talking to a guy on the podcast. His name is from Bergen, Norway. His name's Yarla. He looks like a little Harry Potter, a little Daniel Radcliffe, and he's half of a hip hop duo

with another guy from Norway. And I go there to try and jumpstart their career. And it's a really fun episode. And then I go and travel around and jumpstart their career. And it's a really fun episode. And then I go and travel around Norway and do all this other stuff, but it was just a blast. It was really fun. Do you take advantage of the freedom of being on Max, uncensored and everything at all?

That's really fun. We never felt that censored, but I think the greatest thing about being on Max is they gave us the budget. It looks really good. So rather than the down and dirty, I'm out on the street with one camera and we're grabbing stuff really quickly

and grabbing stuff without a permit. Things look gorgeous. The show looks, I wanted it to look like one of Stanley Tucci's travel shows where it looks beautiful, but you learn nothing about the country. And it's just funny. It's just funny. one of Stanley Tucci's travel shows where it looks beautiful, but you learn nothing about the country. And it's just funny.

Yeah, I love Stanley Tucci, but God, after five minutes, get to it. Yeah, exactly. He's just laying that dissertation about the place. I get it, it's chicken cutlet, move the fuck on. And then it's always a guy going, when I, my pasta, I want it to taste like you touched the face of God.

And then there's the moment where Stanley Tucci eats it and he's gotta love it. So he's like, ah. So we actually have fun with that because when I'm in Ireland, I'm in a blood sausage factory and I'm acting like, ah. I mean, it's literally blood sausage. I'm rolling around on the floor having an orgasm.

That was a lot of fun. I like travel shows where everyone immerses themselves. Like, I'm here covered in clay and half naked with the local tribe from where... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the tribes do this around you going like, who is this asshole? You're not eating like goat nuts or anything.

You're not doing crazy stuff. I don't do stuff like that. Good. No, I can't do it. No. It's gotta be, I'm not gonna do that. But I do try to, I try to do a lot of stuff and I'm still trying to do physical stuff at my age.

I'm no spring chicken, but I still like to, I always say no, let me try it. And so I'm going to get hurt one of these days very soon. And I'm looking forward to it. And then I can come back here and I can hang out for a really long time. Yeah. I know you're a good guitarist also.

Jacob and Christine both went to the show at the Beacon. Oh, you went to the Beacon. Oh, that was- You see, you opened with Suspicious Minds. Suspicious Minds, yeah. That's not a hard guitar, it's vocals, the tricky thing there, because you're singing an Elvis song.

But do you have any, like what's, do you still, even with music as less as you've done it than performing, like do you find that, man, it seems so much cooler than comedy. It is. It is. No, and I've always amazed me. I did a late night show once in Rockefeller Center

years and years and years ago in the 90s. And the show's over, and someone said, did you see who was in the audience? And I went, no. And they said, Jeff Beck waited in line and came up and sat in the audience. And so sure, I said, that can't be true. But no, Jeff Beck, who many guitarists will say

is the greatest person to ever touch an electric guitar. Him or Johnny Depp. Yeah, very close. Uh, ironically, yeah, Beck the better actor. But he comes out in the hallway and he's got the Jeff Beck hair and everything and I was like, oh my God, Jeff Beck. And he went, oh, not me, no. You're the greatest guitarist.

No, no. What you do to quip with Al Roker and then throw to commercial, if only I could. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? No! He went to do a guitar riff and then go, we'll be right back after these words. I always think comedians, we would die to be musicians.

All of us, we would. I would love to be able to be cool. And you know what I think, tell me if you agree, but in my mind, if you're a comedian, I don't care what you achieve. I don't care what you achieve. You're always living moment to moment. So you could be the greatest, you know,

I idolize Steve Martin. I absolutely idolize Steve Martin, but I know being around him that he worries about every single thing. And take, whoever your favorite comics are of all time, or comedic performers, they worry every time they go in front of people, how is this going to go?

And they worry moment to moment, and a crowd can like, love it it love it and that doesn't happen if you're in music if you're you too people don't go good good good no there's none of that. The cure. Yeah we saw the cure that I mean I booed. People walk out at some point you want to go commit suicide and get some merch hang yourself with one of their t-shirts.

By about set, by hour three, set four, I was done. Well listen, but the Cura side. It's ironic that their name is the Cura when they clearly are the problem. They're the problem. I mean, wow. Me and Bobby met outside that concert. But yeah, my show is, it's on Mac max and it's called Cone O'Brien must go and it drops April 18th

Tuesday April 16th says here and what's the April 18th? Whoever wrote that is an Brian needs a friend weekly wherever you get podcasting on his very own serious XM channel Conan O'Brien radio channel 104 one click up very own SiriusXM channel, Conan O'Brien Radio, channel 104. Oh, it's only one click up. It was great to see you, man. We're gonna click away, and also guys, whenever I get to the building, I will find out. If you're running, I'll come in.

Please. Please. This is a really nice hang. Hell yeah, please. You guys are really funny, and nice to have had you on. We dodged a bullet. Oh, shucks. God damn it. Man. Well, if you're just gonna go on, If you're just gonna go on, to have had you on we dodged a bullet

with me everybody Conan O'Brien everybody great to see you so much take care brother great to see you man that was great that was great you know he's got a travel show, which is awesome. It's fantastic. It's funny, when I was thinking about that, I was like, I was like, man, what a storied career. And I was like, why now is he going to want to be away from home traveling so much? And I'm like, oh, his main gig for the longest time was like the most stationary gig.

Like, that's like, that's home, your home every night. It's like this gig. We have to be here every Monday. We can't really do it. Yeah, but he wasn't like then going and doing weekend like comedy clubs and stuff. He's got the travel. You know what's better than planning the perfect trip?

What? I'll tell ya, someone planning it for you. Woo! Where all you do is show up and have fun. Well, gate one travel, see more for less. I mean that was good. That was perfect. Well. Not perfect. Close. It was good man. It for less. I mean that was good. That was perfect. Well.

Not perfect. Close. It was good man. It was close. I mean. It was good. I mean I put a little punch in where it gotta be. Am I glad Conan wasn't here to see that?

Sure, sure. I think Conan would have been, I mean listen, you can't get nicer than that guy. You got him too. You got him laughing a few times. You did too. No, I started to fall back. I started getting nervous.

I'm like, oh a of Boston guys knocking around. I was going to go, cheesesteak, steak and cheese. No, you put the Philly thing. It was good. I thought that was a nice twist. Oh, you guys are Boston. See, I'm Philly. Yeah.

Betterville. And our food's better, and you suck. It sucked at the end when you were like, yeah, you got to go. All right, I got to go. And you were like, put the thing out. We were outside. Well, if I'm being honest, Bobby, you just told me a bunch of stories about how he has crushed you in this business several times.

You never put me on your show. Also, one time I was doing a show and nobody came to it because they all came to your show. So I feel like you're fucking with me, dude. I guess what I'm saying is, Beantown guy to Beantown guy, are you fucking with me, dog? I really had some too bad experiences with him

and I've met him, I met him a couple times, like you know, I went with Dave one time when he was doing Conan, I met him, he's always been super sweet, but if there was one show I wanted to be on, it was his show, it was his show. When he was doing his late night show, I just thought that was the best.

I think when he, because Dave, I show, I just thought that was the best. I think when he, because Dave, I always liked Dave. I liked Tonight Show, but Dave's show was weird and different, it was East Coast, and when he took over, he kept that going in a whole new way, and I was like, wow, would it be great to go on his show? Oh, the guy's like a lights out writer, too.

I mean, he's just funny, funny. And then when he took over for Dave, I was like, this would be great, and I never got the shot. And then of course, Steve took over, and now they hate comics. Oh, Stephen Colbert? Yeah, they don't really. That's Bobby, I'm Jay.

And to get our full show, sign up for a Sirius XM subscription at SiriusXM.com slash bonfire. Support our show. Don't be some jerk off just taking the free stuff, let him know you want us to be here forever. Or we won't. Or we won't. Subscribe.

Can I show you Bobby, one of my favorite, I think you'll like, Jacob you'll love this too for sure. Go to Brian Adams doing Heaven at Wembley Stadium, which is one of my favorite performances, I love it. It's even goose-bumpy the moment, because what happens is, but he does this. This is definitely a setup thing, he's prepared, and what he does in the beginning, they do the intro to Heaven,

and then he goes, the whole audience sings the first, like part of the verse, right? The whole audience does it, but what he does first, you can see he wants them to do it, and the way he leads them, he gets the microphone, he goes real big, like... And he takes, like, a deep breath to start singing, and the crowd goes, Oh, thank you.

And he just makes a face like, What's happening? Like, oh, okay. I guess this is something... It's his face of acting. It drives me bananas in this video, and I love the audio of this so much. It's his face of acting it drives me bananas in this video, and I love the audio of this so much It's his face he goes

This is very emotional for me Remember the 90s remember he was like a Canadian Dungaree jacket and jeans all the time and then the 90s it became a gay woman first for a little bit We have flat Canadian dumper is the best watch how pompous this is there's a crater face from Greece Look at this. She does I'm that drives me such bananas because wait you guys are you're gonna do it his face is so like I can't believe this is happening he's looking back at the band like he believes like wow man look at no one saw this coming oh yeah hey

guys Lord music Oh yeah, hey guys, Lord of the Music. Pretty great though. Turn it up, Lou. Great voice. He was great in concert. This would be great to fuck you. It's not Yeah, I said mom it reminds me of fucking your dead mom because I'm gonna fuck your dead mom, too Now do this song rules, but it's not a good fuck song you're wrong But this is a good, you're confusing something,

and I think I could fix this disconnect me and you were having with this conversation. You are, and you're not wrong. You're picking make-out songs. I'm picking love-making songs. No, you're not. It's romantic. I wanna set you straight on this.

This is a car ride with your lady music. This is fucking music if you're making love. Dude, I fuck like Prince. How do you think I fuck? You fuck like triple X. That's how. Like Crank, like the movie Crank? Yeah.

I'll keep the whole way up. Yeah, and I fuck like Prince. Yeah, that's right. Like Prince? Yeah. Bisexual? Maybe, judge me. You fuck like Prince?

Men in boots? You fuck men with knee-high boots? Maybe, judge me. You fuck like Prince, men in boots? You fuck men with knee-high boots? Yeah, fuck yeah. No, this is not fuck music. Dude. It is a nice romantic nighttime drive song. Yes! Finger banging.

It's a beautiful, and I tell you mostly. Making out, finger banging, making out, pull over, eat your ass in the back of the trunk. First and foremost, this song has got. Come on. Come on, Christine, look at me. Christine's getting wet. Look at me, look at me, look at me. She's soaking, she's soaking right now. Eat your ass in the back of the trunk first and for this song is gone Getting wet look at me look at me She's dripping with come right the moon and a cloud go by the moon as you're looking up as she is sloppy in the Garage right now. We're in a cemetery. Yo, Christine's got such a damp snatch right now crow lands on a tree

This is not fuck music. Um, at all, it's mostly music to... The best place for this song is a late night drive by yourself. So you can go, And nothing is all that I need Ain't nothing there in your heart If you're with your girl singing this in the car and then you pull it over

I can't hit those notes in the car at a beach, and this is on, and the sun's, you can see the moon glistening off the ocean. Now wait. And then all of a sudden, and then you take her out and you're on the hood and you start making out and this is playing in the car. And then you lean back on the windshield and then you take her titty out

and you can see her nipple in the moonlight and then you start to kiss it and then you get on top and you grind a little bit at that part. Ugh, come on. Paco, Jacob, I think you could back me up. Completely soft. Paco, look, Paco was nodding his head the whole time. Well, Paco's actually might be boning up.

He's trying to cover up over there. That Filipino's, his uncircumcised little boner is whopping out right now. This little weird foreign wiener. He's got a weird form. Uncircumcised Paco? No, circumcised. Okay, ugh wiener. He's got a weird form. You gonna uncircumcise Paco? No, circumcise.

Oh, okay, ugh. Thank Christ. Thank the sweet Lord Christ. I think it's Judaism, actually, I guess. Don't thank Christ at all. Now, I will say, I believe, on an early fuck mix of me and Christine's, there is his unplugged version of this,

because it doesn't hold that familiarity, and you wanna sing along, it's a little different, right? You don't remember? Unplugged Heaven? Yeah. Wow. He literally. Yeah, remember, I came all over you to this, Christine.

Christine, I covered you with Come to This song. Excuse me. Christine, you remember that day, remember when you thought something was wrong with your eyes because they wouldn't stop getting red, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And the the band never really kicks in It's mostly this so this you could fuck to you could fucking hated this this you could fuck to still better to Make out to though make out but if you're making out you you can get into it not right music right now Do you make it out with it you're brushing her hair out of her face with you? I think you're brushing her hair what do you wear fucking she's a doll you know weird you're brushing her hair you're

changing her outfit looking at her right in the frame the eyes Christine and a guest fucking to this no guests this is no guest This is just me and Christine This was our love. This was our love making mix. This is at the beginning in the beginning. Yeah, right in the beginning, right? Made this mega mix night one. We met. Yeah, your wife was home wife was home with a child And you're making love to this and I was digging out Christine snatch When mega mix did not include this song. It was very corn manson, death tones heavy.

Yeah, he fucks like triple X. What are you talking about? You pulled a fucking tampon out and flicked it behind a fucking cabinet that night. That's right. Everyone was a mess that night. Not with you. Was it not with me? No, you pulled your diva cup out though, you told me.

What's that? What the fuck is a diva cup out that you told me. What's that? What the fuck is a diva cup? It's a cup made of surgical grade silicone, and it collects the blood instead of absorbing the blood. Oh, you take it out like a cup of tea? Yes, and she uses it for spells when I'm not home. Yeah, she makes a fucking cross. Absolutely.

Oh, yeah, there's blood under the paint in our house. She's painting over blood pentagrams and shit. She's put all over that place. Yeah, Christine took her diva cup out and hit it. Yeah. She took out her shell, it's a blood. And then we pounded on the floor of the bathroom. Why would you use that?

You don't use that still, right? I've used this for 13, 14 years. Bobby, it's up there as we speak. You wanna feel it? No, it isn't. It's in there right now. No, it's up there as we speak. You wanna feel it? No it isn't. It's in there right now. No it is not in there right now.

It's in there right now, isn't it? You have that, you have that in your vagina right now filled with blood? I don't know how full it is. How do you pull it out without spilling? She doesn't. It gets all over the underneath side of our toilet seats and it's been a point of contention for 13 years.

It's never been fixed. Do you take it out like at night? Like what do you do? You dump it out and then put it back in? Yeah, she takes it out, she cheerses herself in the mirror with it. So it spreads everywhere. I can't even not spill my Starbucks and it has a lid on it.

Yep, neither can she. How do you sleep with that in? Is it in for two weeks straight? Two weeks? What kind of period you have going on? I don't know any, like the cycle. Do you think periods last for two weeks? He doesn't know.

I don't know your cycle. Is it how much a girl that- Nobody's cycle lasts for two weeks. Is it how much a girl that wanna fuck you? She goes, I'll fuck next week, Jacob, on my period. I'm one of those two-weekers again, sorry. We need time to ovulate too. Two weeks.

I still know if you have to put it in like a week prior because you're not... Jacob, if a woman's bleeding for two weeks she's hemorrhaging. No Bobby, I get it. I don't know what the procedure with this cup... Jacob, don't get me... I don't know about Diva cups. We're trying to learn here. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth because I'll tell you what you should do for your mom this Mother's Day. Steven Singer Jewelers has just announced their brand new 24 karat gold tip rose for Mother's Day. And IHateStevenSinger.com. That's nice looking. That looks like a real rose.

That's one of the most pretty ones I've seen yet. 24 karat pussy. Damn right. I didn't appreciate your tone, Christine. You did keep it in for two weeks. No, I know. I have to work on my tone. There's no procedure procedure but I feel like you do know that a period last five to seven days. I do know but I don't know the procedure because there's no net you're doing this without a net so when when do you got to put the cup in? Oh one day she pulls it out dry and empty and then she knows her periods over. Wait a minute. You gotta know when when to put to insert. When I start bleeding in the same way that if I use

tampons I would start my period and then I would put a tampon up there except when she sees that she got her period She has to go boil a cup in our kitchen Wait a minute. There's way more shit. You you see that in the kitchen You have to boil it. Yeah Sanitize Oh God, there's not a spray like a steam cleaner that I could get that I don't trust it. Why? Boiling it feels like but don't worry in between periods though. It just sits out in our fucking shower Oh god, do you put in the you leave it by the you leave it by the soap? They can smell my dirty pussy

Everybody can smell my dirty pussy. Everybody can smell your dirty pussy. Everyone's talking about it. I have one specific pot that I use for that. That rice? Yeah. No, I don't cook rice enough. Yeah, that was my old spaghetti pot, but. You have to write diva cup on the side of the pot. I know which one, it's the small one.

Your cauldron. Oh God. You have a diva cup pot. She's like, I gotta boil this thing, I gotta sham jam in my snatch. What? I do it every month, I gotta jam in my snatch. What? I do it every month, it's not weird. I think it's much better than TMPOX.

It's not much better. No, it is much better for her because I end up having to clean up all the blood off the toilet seats because she somehow goes, she goes, wow, I swear there wasn't any in there. I go, oh, did you like, I understand you probably didn't look down at all

and didn't see that there's blood everywhere. I don't lift, I have to lift the toilet seat up. How does it get under the toilet seat, Christine? I don't know. If I knew that, I would prevent it. Blood finds a way. Christine's blood moves like underworld blood. It's always trying to go back to a leader.

Annie Lutterman, she's like, sometimes on the ceiling, like you just, you're like, how'd that blood get over there? I would leave. I wouldn't have to, I couldn't do it. No, Christine has made a lifetime of really going like, hey, wanna see all my grossest, nastiest shit? Here you go.

I'm so glad Dawn's vagina's dying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well Christine's vagina's dead to me. Some girls now just wear underwear. While it's not dying, it's dead to me. What do you mean they wear underwear? What are you talking about? They just wear underwear and bleed into their underwear dying, it's dead to me. What do you mean they wear underwear? What are you talking about?

They just wear underwear and bleed into their underwear. That's crazy. That's called free bleeding. No, well. Into their thinks panties. It is called that, but they have those underwear that are for that, which is weirder. That's disgusting, man.

Yeah, so I'm like, your underwear just fills with blood. Christine, you're not much, but Christine, you're one degree of Kevin Bacon better than just queefing out blood into your own underwear. Doesn't matter. I think everybody should switch from tampons. To what?

To a cup of blood? No, not me. I think I should start fucking 11-year-olds or 75-year-olds. Way more environmentally friendly. To void it all together. Let me ask you a question. So you put it up and it opens up inside of you? Yeah.

And becomes a- Then she pulls out a shallis of it and holds it up. Look, you got it ready. Yes, yay! I've been using it for years. The nectar of life. It takes a little getting used to. You ever take a sip out of it? No.

No. I try to clone her with it once in a while. She's pouring in your food. She might as well. I mean, it's so much blood that I've had to clean up over the years. You should start making art with it. Period blood art. Just throwing your little cup onto a over the years. You should start making art with it.

Period blood art. Just throwing your little cup onto a little canvas. I bet there are people that put it in their garden and stuff. Of course, here's what it is. Here's the fucking panties you could bleed in. Of course, for lazy fat chicks, I knew it. This girl's not fat. Well, she's getting there.

That's fucking just married body, and now she's gonna fucking pork out. She's gonna go from photo two to photo four. Yeah, she's gonna pork out hard. If you have sex with him, you step her in her panties by accident and you just feel. Oh my god, I wouldn't fuck this girl if she never got a period ever again.

Looks like Mike Suarez. You've fucked worse. I have. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not even a long time ago. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. I know from time to time to put my penis in someone who's got a fucking shallows of blood in their snatch at all times.

It's just sitting there like a vending machine. Like somebody, when you're in the coffee machine, where you put the coffee in and push the button, and then they got called in the work for a meeting and just left it in there. She's got an old coffee mug in her hooch. Did you ever forget it was in there? No. You always know? So you have to pull it out like once a day to check it? Or do you just leave it in there, she's got an old coffee mug in her hooch. Did you ever forget it was in there? No.

You always know? So you have to pull it out like once a day to check it? Or do you just leave it in there? Multiple times a day. You just pull it out multiple times a day. Multiple times, and empty it? Oh yeah. What if you can't, what if you can't?

I promise you she's coming here, Bobby, she's handled your snacks, she's handled your cups, after she's, she's washed her hands, but there's, when you pull that out of your hooch, that's gonna get blood all over the place. I know it does is that little thing is the little tip is where you grab it and pull it out You don't really want to do that. You kind of got to get up in there Reach in you get your whole fist in there and pulls it out like a can of coke. Oh god Oh god, they're different sizes for vaginas

Or is it all one size? You're supposed to switch after 30 or once you've had a kid you're supposed to switch to the bigger size. I refuse to switch. Christine's got a double X. Christine's got a double X. I still use the normal one.

She uses double X but she likes her stuff tight. That's disgusting. Yeah, no, it is, it's a gross process. So you have to reach inside your vagina like you're, you're like. Multiple times a day she fists her own pussy, yes. You have to pull it out. So far you got it. it's a gross process. So you have to reach inside your vagina like you're You're like multiple times a day. She fist her own pussy. Yes, so far you got it Is there a technique is it like a two finger and a thumb? Or is it all you bend it in half you slide it up there you let pop open and then you get a kind of like

Feel make sure it's like the suction's right. Mm-hmm. Then when you pull it out, I can only assume it's leaking. I can only assume it's I can only assume it's leaking. I can only assume it's Hemorrhaging blood out of it the entire time you're pulling it out of your pussy. There's no nice There's no like clean way to pull it out. You pull it out and then the blood just no there will be blood on your hands With a tampon there's no blood on your hands, right? No. No, you just pull it out from the string It couldn't be you tell sexy you tug it like an old lamp Yeah, okay, here we go. Oh, let me see this. Okay, so they're putting it in a move Oh Chelsea pretty tell us you had a fucking So you don't want to go too far and you see you have a little thing hanging out like a little little little clit

No, no No, what's that little thing hanging out, like a little clit hanging out. No. What's that little thing hanging out? That's what she grabs at when she goes out. I don't know what that little thing's hanging out. I don't leave anything hanging out. That's so you don't forget it. Yeah. They should put a bell on that.

God, it's so gross. You got a question? Yes, Paco. Paco, question? Yeah. Can you feel it sloshing around when you move? Yeah, does it sound like a ship? If it's full and it's time to empty it,

yes you can. Oh. Like you're walking around with like a half-drank Coke? You're like, I gotta go. You feel like swishing back and forth? Yeah. Like when you're jogging with this. I just hear ice.

Oh, there you go. Look, here's a little diagram. Sounds like somebody carrying a fish tank. Oh my God. Okay, so you. That's far and you twist it Yes, and then it fills with blood. Yep. Oh, yeah. Oh remove go to remove. Oh What happens if you're not at home where have you dumped the cleaned it out here? Yep Did you ever go? I'm saying she's cleaned it. Have you ever taken out and go the body of Christ the blood? She's rinsed it out. Have you ever taken it out and go, the body of Christ, the blood of Christ? No. No.

She's rinsed it out in the sinks right here. I'm sure you know I never have, because it's not a private. You don't rinse it out? How do you even gross her? No, I just empty it out and pop it back out and rinse that when I get home. What is that little thing, that little coffee cup?

Is that how you're supposed to wash it? That's what her pussy looks like. Why don't you get one of those storage things and use that instead of a pot. Christine, do that. Shove that pot up your snatch. I like that. That's a little blood cup. Why don't you just sleep over a bucket Christine when you've emptied it When you've emptied it here and then popped it back in so then you have you walk out of the stall with blood all over your hands

Then she came in she got some sun chips for Bobby. She got some presents for us God I'm never eating there. She really massaged those fun-sized Snickers into her hands. There's toilet paper in the stalls so you can you know wipe your hand off before you go. Yeah you know if you wipe blood with tissue it comes off. You don't have to wash it. I thought having unisex bathrooms would cool, not anymore. I don't ever want unisex bathrooms. Your bathrooms all smell like fucking piss. Yours smells like pennies. Yeah. Smells like dirty piss. We gotta take a break.

I know we do. Great show today. We'll be back. I know. This is our last live show of the week. Last one. That was a lot to leave people with. Yeah.

Sorry about that. That's all right. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire. Blah. I'm gonna throw up.