The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Indian Autumn

Episode Date: October 20, 2026

Jay had gigs in Seattle this weekend and left town with a feeling that the zombie homeless were taking over. He was fed up with the amount of unhoused people that were begging for cigarettes from him. | For Bobby's birthday he headed up to his tiny house in New Hampshire to enjoy the fall. He was surprised to learn of the influx of Indians in the area who also love autumn in New England. | It's Bob and Dawn's 19th Anniversary and instead of buying her a gift, he just purchased many gadgets and a purse for himself. Bob did write her a lovely card which he read on the air. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Bobby Kelly. What's up, dude? Seattle grates Allison Chains. I got to tell you, if the roosters they're considering snuffing are the actively bleeding zombie wandering homeless of Seattle, then snuff them, dog. Someone needs to fucking shoot them from a helicopter like Nutriar rats.

It's insane. They should get little traps with cameras on them. And you push a button and it just snaps down and they smash the head off the cage. Do I go outside to sit on the benches in front of the hotel? The hotel's benches to smoke a cigarette. And if I would go out, like, I would come home at night from the shows and go like, I'll smoke a cigarette on the bench before I go up. And I get to that bench and there's always like, it's a trans person sitting there

and a junkie, it's like ripping their face apart actively. And I just go inside and I go, hey, there's a. There's like junkies on the couch or the benches out there. And they go, oh, okay. And he just goes over and does the thing where he makes the front door has to be opened by a key. He goes, oh, yeah, so make sure the people are out there with the dangerous person fompering for their key

while these guys ask for a thousand things, which they all do. For me to get, I hate saying no to bums, bumming cigarettes. I try to give it to them. I know their life sucks. And I want to give them a cigarette if I can. I mean, the amount that came up, I went from doing the old, like, because I don't want to, you know, exchange things with an actively bleeding person. All of them bleeding.

And I was, 100% of them of the homeless are bleeding. I was on the phone with him and he's like, dude, he was telling me this. There's one here, there's one here. And then one comes up and he's like, you know, man, he's like, no, I'm sorry. I went, no. No, by that point, I got to the nose. One, while I was in the phone with Bobby, did one of the craziest things I've ever seen. It was his third time coming up to me, trying to ask me again.

But the funny part about it, though, is that you said, no, I brought this from inside. died, it's my only one. But we were talking on the phone so long that he smoked another cigarette. And the guy came back and he's like, oh, fuck, he caught me lying. I'm telling you, by the end of it, I was just doing nose, which I'm usually like that. I'm usually, I only brought this one out. This is my last one. Oh, I bum this one or something, which is always a funny term.

When you go, it goes, oh, dude, I viewed this, but I'm not a bum like you. I just, I just did your behavior to get this cigarette. But I'm not a piece of shit like you. I'm not a bleeding vagrant It was Oh the one homeless guy When he came out that third time And I just gave him like a

Across the parking lot Or you know the entrance where I went No And then he did the He did the move where he went like He like rewinded himself Like back into the alleyway It was insane

Yeah you were in the Matrix That You're actually in the fucking Matrix And I guess I was in the gay part of town But I will say the concentration Of trans in this place is a virtual impossibility. Why is that?

Because I'm not exaggerating when I tell you. An exaggeration would be 20 a day because I saw 10 to 12 a day milling around wherever I was at. They were just also... And I might be underplaying it, I'm telling you. You saw day trans? Tons.

Tons. That's a... Day trans is really... Can you say something? That's an anomaly. Yeah, that's hardcore. That's hardcore. Day trans is nuts. I got my...

I got my nails on while I was out there, sat in that salon. There's only one of the person who came in the salon. A woman with hands that made mine look fucking gay. Might look like little lady fingers sitting down there next to the monster paws on this fucking trans that sat next to me. Did she try to help you transition? Listen to all. I know what you're going through. Look at this article.

It says trans people are fleeing red states for Seattle. The city can't keep up. Wow. Wow. Don't show Norton that. There you go. We'll lose them. Wow.

So over versus 70. Keep up meaning what? Versus 70 before the election. They can't keep up with the nail salons, the hair, the guy gene, girl gene. Yeah. Transfer. Yeah. The size 13 wide high heels.

13 triple E heels. That's not easy to find. It's crazy that you're during the day seeing a bunch of trains. During the day. I mean, during the night I was in the club, which I believe four employed at the club. Really? Yeah.

What was that? And this isn't a dig on. I just said the possible, but that's what makes sense now. They all went there. 1,500 trans people have settled. I think in that square block. That's what you're doing.

You defund the police. Well, that's a gay part of town. I was right in the gay part of town. Emerald City Comedy Club is damn dab smacking the gay part of town. Right on the berm of fucking walking Deadville. It's called Emerald City. Emerald City. Yeah.

Hey, Dorothy. Why don't you just click your little Nike's three times and see you go home? What the fuck? Can I ask you a question, though? Were any of them hot? Be honest. The one, no.

But the one in the nail salon? Yeah. I had to look, I mean, right away, something seemed off. But I had to really do a five or six takes to be like, for sure, right for you. And then it was the hands got me. Yeah, the hand. When she started showing like, I want to do this in my hands, I was like, ma fengul. Look at the size of those fucking.

I want you to shave my knuckles before you do my fingernails. You know the drill mailing. Wow. Yeah, well, that makes sense. It's a fleeing point for some reason. It's fucked up, though. I don't know why you saw so many bloody homeless people. No one needs to snuff the trans.

The bloody homeless, though, we need to street sweep them out of here. I don't know. They're just serving no purpose. I would have got, I mean, I can't be around bleeding people. I'm telling you, they've given up, but the city has given up on it. It looks like no one seems to be giving a shit. Down right to the, when I came back in after the guy locked the hotel door, I was like, I go, ah, I go, that guy ruined it.

Those guys ruined it for everybody now. We have to pull our key out out there. And he goes, yeah, he goes, you know, just gets like that out there sometimes. You're supposed to. And then the last night. It's zombie protocol. buddy you got to keep everybody inside safe by the way um what you can call it uh me and zach summerfeld was opening for me um this weekend we were outside the last night and there was

we didn't we stood and smoked because guy blanket bleeding actively on the on the benches on one of the benches you don't want to sit next to him you're like all right so he uh so we just kind of dealt with it and then we see the security guard inside sees the security guard inside sees this guy milling around and he comes out

and the guy walks up to him we're like ah and me and Zach are like fucking beat it Linus with this fucking blanket he's getting ready to take the walk dude and then he was just like

and I just used the bathroom and the guy goes all right it's way in the back to the left oh my god let him in inside he was in there for 20 minutes it's rule number one you can't let him in

he bleached they let him in And did they make sure he got out? He finally got out, but I'm telling him he milled around. I think they let him buy. They let him buy stuff from like the marketplace. Oh, God. They didn't give it to him.

They did buy it from them because I saw him exchanging money. He wrapped in his blanket in blood. And then he came out with his stuff and then he hit me. And then I saw, I mean, you know, a mile away. He hit me with the old, the peace sign slap on the lips. Get a cigarette? The old, and I went, nah. Like, I was so over it.

You should have went to CVS and got Band-Aids and be like, I'm not giving you a cigarette, but I'm going to give you one of these Band-Aid. In fact, here's a handful because there's no way one's covering all those cuts. I got you gauze if you need some gauze. Not with an outbreak suit when I sit on a bench. I mean, you wanted that cigarette. Just the whole

energy there is like weird. The shows were fantastic. Of course they were. The shows were fantastic. The hotel when I came at one time, I was standing up and some lady did that. She goes, I'm sitting in that sunspot over there. I was like, she came like from behind. me and I was like yeah sure what's the sunspot in the sunny spot of the bench I

guess I was like a dog but I wasn't but I wasn't sitting on no this was just a lady who lived there oh she lived at the place no no where she was like staying at the hotel or whatever but like she needed a vitamin D I guess wow it's a very it's a very it's been such a great cool high I mean people were I used to go there was rich and all the tech shit and all the restaurants where you go to there was the club I finally remember the name of the club I used to play out there, Parlor Live. Parlor Live with that little dude. There was the downtown Seattle one.

That was great. Rodriguez. What was the guy's name? I forget. Yeah, a little Spanish dude. But I did that one once. And then I did twice. I did Bellevue, Washington, Parlor Live, which was really fucking cool.

The Parlor Live was great. And Bellevue, that is like the Richie. Bellevue. Whatever part of town. That's the real part of town. Seattle has been turned over to its chaos. unless you love kicking it with trans and as I mentioned before actively bleeding homeless

If you're actively bleeding you're good And if you're trans I think you're great That's great How can you relax? I tell you what though If you're going to move to a place that's a lot of trans people though You got I'd say you have to make sure You're really like passably like hot trans

Because one that was working again The numbers dictate this would happen and one that was working the counter at the hotel. Was trans? Was not trying hard. It was like, uh, it was like,

somebody put like a, like a, like a bob wig on a guy. It was just like, you know, you could see like the gray of the facial hair. Yeah. And it was just like,

uh, it wasn't, it wasn't good. And I was like, oh man, you must be having a tough time here because there's, the ones that are out there

are rocking it. The long nails, the whole thing, like real baddies. I mean, just taking the town, bitch. And this frump, this fucking frow dude is just hanging about there looking like frumpy as shit. And you're like, no, dude.

You can't just be trans here. You've got to be trans. You got to try. Well, there's a whole group of them that say they're not passing. They're not there to be passing. What does that mean? They're not trying to pass as. So they're just lazy trans.

Lazy trans. They just want to make you uncomfortable only. I'm not gonna They're not passing I'm not shaving every day Get the hell out Is this what you bitches do? Hell no

Suck my toe fro I still like farting Yeah I gotta not do what I have to lose Get out of here Get out of here Yeah

There's too many passably hot ones out there You can't just show up like a fucking A little weird gremlin It is weird when you see a transit's not trying Because you just want to go Come on You're right there If you say I'm not trying to be passable, then I should be able to still call you a guy.

If I see you putting in the effort, even if it's not working out great, if I see you putting in the 100% effort. I see the eyebrows done. You're getting lady all day long for me. You're shaved. Your fingernails are done. Miss ma'am, all that. You could be wearing a suit as long as your face is trying. Bitch, slut, whore.

Whatever she needs to be called for me. I'll call her. I don't want to see unconditioned hair. That's what I was saying. That's what you would see. You'd see a schoolgirl outfit on a seven foot tall person. That's how you knew from behind. I only walked five blocks to get my nails done, and I experienced all of it.

Yeah, I just... This is surprising me. I didn't see any black people there. I think the trans may have drove the black people out. Is that what they do? I don't know. Are they trying to drive the black people out? They let the trans out?

Like, they... Is that what they come? They put Nutellas to take care of some of the critters? It's the opposite of white fly. It's black hit the tracks. Blacks hit the tracks. The trans are here. Blacks hit the tracks.

Wow. Oh, not one of those. Those are day trans, right? Oh, God. That looks like Paco's father. Oh, yeah. I talked to a couple in the audience. And I thought it was, I thought it was two friends or some people knew each other.

the guy was like very emoy with like green parts of his hair and kind of looking down like very nervous. They had a good time. They were great. And what turned on to be his husband. But again, that's why I do. I really do love my comedy. By the way, I'm so epic, it's the first place.

I say on the road all the time, I go, are there any trans people here? And then there's never. And I always go like, I'm trying to like make fun of them to their face so they stop saying I'm doing it behind their bed. You know what I mean? Like to see it's like a fun thing what I'm doing? I'm not here hurting anyone's feeling.

So, like, right up front, and then the guy with the guy at a beard. Right. And she goes, you should know that I was born a woman, though. And I was like, no, fucking way. And I wouldn't have guessed that. And then just talked about her. And I was like, did you get bottom surgery yet? And she goes, real expensive.

I go, so you look like that and have a pussy that's great. And just like, and then the crowd joined in, like, laughing, almost got pointed out to them. I go, I promise you at my shows at this point. No one comes to my shows and sits front row and gives information like that where they don't, They want, they're ready to laugh about it. They wouldn't laugh about it or they wouldn't do that. So like, yeah, it was great. But yeah, it was like, I wouldn't have, because the beard.

Yeah. It was like a real beard. I think it's easier to become a girl to a guy. Not downstairs. Well, if you see them in public, right? Forward facing, sure. Forward facing girl to guy is easier than guy to girl. Yeah.

Like, you can notice. Probably on a more percentage time because there are some guys who when you see some of the picture. Again, I know there's a lot of. like a work that yeah look at that i mean that i mean it's so much once you lop those titties off you i mean you look that wow yeah that's a dude yeah looks like a dude looks like a dude looks like a dude and was it kind of a hot chick yeah now he's just a hot dude with a van probably strangely a better looking dude than chick yeah weirdly enough well there you go oh that dude getting stretched out over there

Get a little Filipino boy treating you're right Is he in? Is that all of it? Fucking guy Is it all the way in there? Are we back on the air? We're back on the air. Oh.

You in there? Is he in? Pago. Bobby, tell me when he's in so you can start sucking my dick. This is not how a spit roast works, dude. You're just taking it too much. You're not giving any. Paco.

Is it in? yet. All right now start sucking my dick, dude. I can't see it. It's right here. Where? Look, it's under this.

Oh, I don't want to take it, take it, pick that up. No, you hold it up. No, you hold it up. It's only sexy if you hold it. Well, now I'm soft. Okay, goodbye. It's done.

All right, fine. Back to the show. Paco's giving me a, he offered me a massage during the break. I'll tell you right now. What's it with you, Boston guys, loving to get these filthy massages. I'm going to tell you this right now.

You're on Bobby Craft. I think, man. give way better massages than women. Crafton Kelly. I mean, you heard me. Yeah, they're stronger. I mean, it's just such a different, whatever Filipino technique he's using right now.

These aren't techniques. He's learned from another country. He's just, he's winging it like everybody does when they massage. Are you winging it right now, Paco? Or is this, like, technique? I feel like it's technically. I'm mostly winging it, but I'm copying

what Mimusus does to me. What's his name? Paco. Paco. The only one... It's called a tennis ball in Paco's apartment. He rolls around his back on. The one part that did feel a little weird

is Paco was rubbing my back with one hand and then he had his arm on my, he had his hand on my arm and he was just squeezing my arm. That part I don't know if I liked. Don't lie, that felt good, the arm's scene. I know, but it felt good in a bad way. Because when he does jerk you off, he wants you already hard.

Yeah. He doesn't want to go from fucking flaccid to finish. You know what I mean? Man. That's why they tickle above your dick hair and shit. I love a man massage. All right. Did you get that?

Great. I hope not. I've always liked men. You know where, we got you. Well, when I was doing, I don't know, when I was king of colleges, I don't know if you remember that, when I was the NACA, number one NACA college guy of the year. Absolutely. On the cover of NACA magazine. And no rape accusations either.

Of course not. Pretty amazing. Of course not. I would never rape. Yeah, because those girls were zipping it at you, dude. They couldn't wait to get a handle on that fucking hog. And when I got... Fucking charm that snake.

When I got back, I lost feeling in my fingers because I would drive and sleep. I was under so much stress driving to all those colleges. My back got all fucked up. And my, you know, everything's connected. So I couldn't feel these two fingers. And my back was really messed up. So I had to go to a masseuse.

And Don's friend, because she worked at all the massages. Jerked you off? No. Oh. He was a masseuse. Was he jerked you off? He was, no. Nobody jerked me off.

Oh, no. What is this story about? He was... Oh, what? I was so invested, thinking you're getting jerked off at some point. He was a gay guy, you know. She said, listen, my friend Bill, he's gay, he gives... He's one of the best massage guys in the business in New York.

He knows, like, he knows, he went to, he's like, he knew anatomy. He had, like, a degree in anatomy. Well, I went, yeah, he's like, knows everything about a man's anatomy. me and how everything's connected, right? So I went to him, and I went to his little salon. Your prostate's connected to your shoulder stress. Can I finish the thing without it going to my asshole? It is, though.

All right, hang on. You're making me sneeze. What? Oh, that's your tell. That's when you've done something gay. Bobby's gay sneeze. Chewy. Oh.

I'm allergic to straight. You're allergic to straight stuff. But when I went there, he, uh, he, I lied down and I, I, I took my shirt off. He goes, just take your shirt off. And I was like, well, do you want me to, do you want me to take my pants off? He's like, no. And I was like, well, do you, and I kept going. Do you want me to, I'm fine.

I'm like, I'm cool. Like, I'm cool. That's a weird way to keep saying to him. Well, because I, I, you get a massage. You usually go, get down to your underwear and go under the blanket. But if the guy's already said no to you. Because you usually would be like, he would say, if it's cool with you, if you want, you get down to your underwear.

Right. But that's up to you. You went, should I take my pants off? And he went, no, and you went, I'm cool, man. Yeah. I'm cool. That's like you're telling him you want to do gay stuff with him. Why not?

I'm cool, yeah. Well, my point was, is that I got caught in this enigma because I was trying to let him know that I'm cool. I don't care that you're gay. Like, it's not going to bother me. But then it came across as, hey, man, I really want to take my pants off. Yeah, he goes, dude, I'm totally cool, man. I want you to see this shit.

I had a nice dangle today. I gotta share it with somebody. And he goes, I'm just working on your back. Everything is, what we need to do is just your back so I don't need your pants off. I was like, all right, whatever. I'm also holding a little bit of tension in this guy right here and then present.

And you present yourself. He goes, I think I'm holding a lot of my tension in my shoulders for sure, but I think there's like about an ounce or two of it in here. If you want to coax that out of me, that would be great. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no.

Anyways, this weekend, we went to a New Hampshire higher to the tiny house. This is fucking weird to me. Tiny house, yeah. No. It's been weird to all of us for years. I love that. I love that I have a place up in New Hampshire. And I love New Hampshire.

I love the White Mountains. But something's happened. What's wrong with the Black Mountains? I don't know where those are. Of course. You don't even care to find out. I understand why you hate on me, niggins. It don't take nothing.

That's true. It don't take nothing. I don't take nothing. I know what a niggas who love, nigger. Dude. And I've been going up there for my whole life. I've been going up to the same place.

Squam Lake. And you know, Lou. I wish you wouldn't give all of your locations so much. What do they got to do? Find you and do something crazy or terrible? I got 15 guns at my house. I'm fine with that. You want somebody to show up.

If somebody showed up, I'd probably just hang and have a cigar. I'd probably just talk to her off. To like, look, man, I was going to kill you. but you're boring the shit out of me read some literature they brought oh that guy shit that still scares me by the way why he's out there and he wants you to help

he just went away which is nuts you think that happens huh that's crazy anyways I fucked up you're right so something has happened up in the Hampshire and I don't know what

it's like I don't know if it's the last few years have you been up there during the foliage time No, dude, blacks hit the tracks, remember? New Hampshire went through a blacks hit the tracks movement. Buddy, there are so many Indian people up in New Hampshire for foliage. It's weird.

Native? Indian, you know. Hello. No, from India. From India. So not Native Americans. No, we took care of them. They're gone.

We took that land. There's no Native American Indians up there. What are you talking about, dude? Every time I go to Mohican Sun, I have to deal with these people. I'm talking... These antler hat wearing sons of bitches. Up in... You will be paid by the prime chief.

Who? Up in New Hampshire and the White Mountains for foliage, I guess it's a huge thing for Indian people. And I don't know. I don't know. There was so many Indian people up there. It's because there smells farewell with the autumn air. That was poetic.

I mean, that should be written down. Should be. There smells farewell with the autumn air. I'm not even kidding you, bro. We went up to Loon Mountain, and it was all Indians, I mean, mostly Indians. And then we went to another mountain Cranmore. Again, Indians.

Everywhere you went, by the way, there was just Indians everywhere. And me and Nashville. Were the academic Olympics up there this weekend? What? Were the academic Olympics up there this weekend? There was no spelling bee. Nothing. Nothing.

But like open house at a. met at school? No. No. We're in the woods. Me and Max... A taxi drivers unite meeting? No, no. No. Let me think I think of any more. There's no Uber fucking... Are they all gathered around one person playing a flute while a snake came out of a basket? No, dude. Okay, hang on. Something gross food? Me and Max were in our fishing spot we go to all the time. We go there all the time. Out of nowhere, we're just fishing. Out of nowhere this Indian woman just walks up behind us.

Floated. So I was like, hey, oh my God, she's like, is this private property? And I was like, oh, no, not at all. And then like 15 other Indians just came out of nowhere. And they called fish with their mouths? I know. That'd have been awesome. They were just taking photos and then a drone was, they sent a drone up.

Hell yeah. And there was a drone going up. And me and Max is just like, I love it. I don't know what it is. Like it's a phenomenon that's happened in the recent. I guess five years maybe, but... That is hilarious. I don't remember it, but I don't know what it is.

It's a thing that Indian people love leaves. You're going to be inundated with fucking Indians every year at this time of year now? I guess. I don't... I don't want to be inundated with any one kind of anything. I don't either. I mean, better than one. They weren't bleeding.

No, they weren't bleeding at all. Nobody was actively bleeding. They seemed like they'd probably rather much more deal. I would have rather dealt with an Indian neighborhood been a town full of active bleeding people. The trans didn't bother me. I was just taken back by it by the number. Of trans.

Yeah, but they said it's been a place where they've actually, everyone's flocked there. It's a commune. They can go there. It's a trans commune. I guess the changing of the leaves is a big thing with Indians or something. I don't understand it.

I don't, is there a... It's not ours to understand. If you look online, too, there's thousands of, like, all the trails were just packed. Yeah. With Indian people. this weekend like just packed

you're thinking of opening up a samosa place up there samosa is not Indian is it yeah samosas what is it I don't know I don't think it was an Indian I thought there was a drunk white girl drink you didn't get mimosa oh mimosa sorry yeah I got my mimosa oh I've messed that up before I've messed it up plenty before

is there a thing Christine is it like I'm trying to find it it's not people in India do not celebrate or focus on the fall season They do now, man. Yeah, it's showing a lot of stuff for Native Americans when I'm typing in- They love it. No. And that's like ancestral land.

Maybe you're being crazy racist right now. No, dude, they were in, they were in, there was not natives. Did they have dots? They didn't have dots, but they had all- They did after you fucking held that gun on them, right? Wrong, wrong property engines. I mean, I don't, I don't care, but it's like, I guess, that happened last year, too, but I didn't know.

This year I really, I was like, wow, there's a lot of Indians love leaves changing. Let's play it out. You go, is this private property? And you go, no. And they go, thank you. It's not that Indian. It's not the Indian, dude. And then they all came out on horses.

No, there's no horses. As long as they're not wearing face pain, you're good. It was no, it was not natives. It was Indians. I feel like you just don't know. I'm telling you, bro, it was crazy. I feel like you probably thought they were black people until it. Listen, anybody who lives in the Hampshire in the wine, please call in and let me know that you understand what I'm not crazy.

They don't have cell phone service up there. They do. They have cell phone service. I got something. What, what do you got? Visitors from India are increasingly drawn to New Hampshire in the autumn to experience the vibrant, multicolored fall foliage that is largely absent in tropical South Asia. So it's something they just never got to experience. Yeah.

Well, they're experiencing it now, dude. I know. Because it was... Local tourism groups have noted a steady rise and overseas travelers from India visiting the White Mountains. Yeah. Dude, it's going to be fun of shit on that beach

when you're trying to fish, and they're making like that thing where they're cooking like live frogs and that giant walk. Yeah, they're just washing in the lake. Absolutely, dude. Just sudsing it up. Absolutely fucking lootly, dude.

He's going to do you a fucking four-day wedding. It just come down and throw their trash in the lake. Damn. Yeah, it was beautiful up there this weekend, though. It was crazy. but we went up there now my birthday was Thursday and uh you wish for a million Indians I didn't I did I rubbed a lamp I rubbed a lamp all I would like for my birthday is I don't know 30,000 Indians to ascend on Squam Lake I actually I wanted the indigenous Indians to get their

land back but I didn't say indigenous you said it wrong I just said Indian buddy I fucked up so bad this week I wound up It was our anniversary. I didn't get her a card I didn't buy her a present. She doesn't that stuff does not doesn't mean anything to her But I bought myself bad so much shit Whatever you're gonna say next is bad buddy I bought myself I couldn't stop buying myself things Why I don't know what happened did you think maybe just bumping over and grabbing one thing for? I I did

No I just got into my fucking weird I want it. Did you think about giving her maybe one of your presence, one of your weird bag inside of a bag that turns into another bag? Well, this is one of the bags I got, by the way. There you go. Myself, how great is this bag?

It's good. This is a new bag from... I like since then you've bought yourself a water to stick in it and a bunch of other things. That's the greatest part about this bag is that it has the water thing on the bottom, right? But if you want to, it goes away, Jay.

So it becomes a little bag again. So you can make it thinner. can zip this up and the water pouch goes away and in the front up here there's a pocket for a battery can we do you think we could do something good for the first hundred callers do you think the first hundred people who buy can get some kind of a deal for this uh i i did contact the company they didn't get back to me okay up here is the battery charger right here but they do make a battery charger for this bag which is on its way today okay good i bought that good still nothing for dawn nothing for dawn but then well it's good well you can

give her that old battery pack. But then I bought, I bought these little microphones. Why? Um, because I used them to record my sets. Okay. And, uh, I put, I just climp them on and it records everything, but it goes, you know, the mics that usually get are too big and they flop over. Can I blow your mind? Yes. The new, oh, I think you have them, though. The Insta 360 camera. I have that. I have that. I have that. The little microphone? Yes, I do. You can program. Program your own little image on. Logo. I know, I'd have. I have that. But you feel you need to have these. lesser ones. Well, I bought that one and then I bought this, which is... Okay. That's a fleshlight, right? But it, no, it's not a flashlight. This is a, it's a, it's a, it's a

tripod stand. Right. But it also has a magnet on top. So you can just click your phone on it. Okay. It has four legs instead of three. Oh, that's good. And it has the remote on it. So it's not a tripod at all. It's a quad pod. It's a quad pod. And then I go. I go. that but you so you where do you keep your tampons the bag here's a good part about the bag your pocket rocket this is a magnet holder on the bag for your phone on the front of the thing so you can just reach it and get it easy up in the front is it charging while it's in there it can with the battery pack that's coming today shut up so the battery pack stays in here and it can charge your phone on the front but this tripod do you don't even need a family anymore hold your phone right

but then I wound up getting with the tripod I did get this light I want you to know Bobby you deserve to be beaten by dawn hang on one second because most times you get these lights

and you put the tripod on the mag thing but this one has one on the back so you can you has a double magnet on the back and the little mirror you can look at yourself in it's like a clown bag he just keeps pulling bigger stuff out of this tiny little bag Well, the thing that happens with the thing is you want to use the front-facing camera

because on the iPhone, the front-facing camera is better, but you can't see what you're looking at. So I did buy this. You get another charge-back. No, it's not a charge-pack. It's actually a separate screen that goes on the front of the... It goes on the front. The front of what? If you take your phone off, off the thing, you can actually put this on the back of your phone like this.

It's MagSafe, and it actually will give you a display on the back of your phone. Of what? Of your phone. It hooks up Bluetooth, so I can see what I'm looking at on the back. You understand? So I can do this, right? I can put this on like that. And then...

Nothing you're saying is working. I can't. I promise you for your listening, this is going to pay off heavy. What is the point of that? Well, because you can use most of the time if you want to see what you look at, that but now the back facing camera which is the better camera on the iPhone

I have a screen on the back that's hooked up Bluetooth so I can see what I'm looking at so I'm recording and I have the light on here too light can't be on there at the same time though remember you thought it couldn't and it couldn't it can't be on the same time as that but it can be on the same time as this I think you should try to figure out

though a way that you could have the screen and the light on there and I think you should do all of that before you get to on a car the light has a mirror on it so you can I saw that so you look beautiful so that And then I, so I bought all that. Yeah. And then...

And you got your got on flowers? Bobby pulled a mobile studio out of his bag. I actually got this too. A new producer? No, this is a... This is a... This is called the chubby cord, which you can, you know,

whip up and that goes away. But then... What is that... Bob, you're showing me everything. You've just showed me everything in your bag like a lunatic lady at a... What do you call? Like a bus depot.

What's a chubby cord? A chubby cord is a good cord to charge your phone on the road. And then, but then I went up, we were up in, up in New Hampshire and I wound up. And you took her to a nice seafood dinner. I did not. I went and I bought, I bought, I bought ski boots. For yourself.

For myself. Got you. And I bought very expensive ski boots. Why? Well, I was going into, talk to them about skis and then the salesman, but he got me to try, he goes, well, I go, what about skis? Because I skied last year once. And I would let, you know, the boots hurt.

And he goes, well, you got to get boots before you get skis. The skis, stay for you for life. the boots stay with you for life and he sold me this and then he goes well you're going to have to get these socks so I had to buy these expensive wool socks for skiing so Lewis got you now you have to like skiing

because Lewis likes skiing no well Max like skiing he does so he likes snowboarding so I bought these socks but then I tried the boots on you might as well get them and then he told me I have flat feet so I need these insoles so I bought the insoles but you probably grabbed a pair of socks for dawn while you were there I didn't get anything I actually I actually

I actually got a pair of skis. So I bought skis, ski boots, insoles, and socks. Right. This is like a relapse. And maybe like a... This is bad. And maybe like a... While you were there at Dix, you got her a Fitbit or something?

I didn't get her anything. Still, your anniversary was two days ago. What's going on? I didn't get her a thing. I didn't buy her anything. And all you've thought about in the meantime is just the fact that you didn't get anything and not to correct this in any way? I bought something else.

Okay. You know, I got the DGI Pocket 3. And then I went and bought the Insta 360 Luna, which is the newest camera. Keep in mind we also have two other. Who owns these? We own those. Yeah, we paid for those. And I went and DGI came out with a Pocket 4 Pro.

And I bought that. Why? I don't know why. Because you have plenty of. of cameras. I know. You should return it. I don't. I can't. There's only so many K's these things can go. I bought it from Japan. What?

I bought it from Japan. So, you know if it's a real good one. I don't know what's coming. I spent, I spot so much stuff. And when we came home yesterday, all of it was out on the front porch, these packages. And I tried to pull up and get the packages. And Don went up, and she's like, what the... She couldn't believe. She goes, what do I have to put my gift together? How many boxes

This is coming. Oh, that must be my present. Oh, my God. Did you get me a gazebo for outside or something? No card? I got her a card today. Oh. You haven't given it to her yet, though.

I have it in my bag right now, and I wrote something very special in it. Yeah? You want to read it to me with your fucking camera light? This is awesome. Look at that. I'm an influencer, J. And I need influencer fucking things. Tools.

These are my tools. Sure. If you say so, dog. Look at this. Look at that. It's a toolbox. You can film down. Look at that.

How cool. Watch this, though. Watch this, Jay. Look how big it gets. Look at that. Woo-ee. Look at that. Woo.

Look at that. That's pretty cool. That's cool, dude. Come on. Adapter to see the back-facing cameras. Actually, kind of cool, too. It's pretty cool, right? Cooking videos, too.

I mean, I could do cooking. Thank you. I could do cooking videos. You're not. I know, but I could. I don't want to deny myself the possibilities. I know. But Dawn,

I could have enjoyed her anniversary with a card at least. I got her a card. Maybe a macaroni necklace. I wrote her something. Tell me if you think this is good. You ready? They said, Dawn. Can you believe it's been all these years?

Can you please be careful with those boxes? There's a lot of fragile stuff in there for me. There's a box coming today. Not for her. No. And there's another box coming this week. There's another box coming this week. And it's not for her.

A lot of these boxes is going to have to be something for her. I am a, no, the other one's for me too. I am an addiction, listen, I'm a fucking true addict. And what happens is, is that it was my birthday, okay? And what I did was, is I said, Spoiled yourself rotten. Well, I just got my serious, my serious check for all my, my spins. Oh, wow.

Sound exchange. Sound exchange is coming in. 24K a month. Thanks, Sebastian. Sebastian came through for you. I just spent a lot of people's, rent. On toys.

Not toys. It's tools. They're my tools. And they all fit in this bag. Did you see the bag? How everything fit in the bag? It's a purse. It's a sling bag.

I'm not going to lie. That material, it's a purse, dude. You carried a purse like a tiny... I did buy this jacket. I was like, I sold that jacket. I forgot you took it off, but I was going to say you're thinking about it for special, though. Well, I was thinking for the special, but then I was like, let's just wear it now. You're crazy.

because this came for my birthday, too. You're going to work it in, but it's a good jacket. It fits you really good. That'd be a good jacket for your special if you want to do that. It is a nice jacket for my special, but I think I want to just keep searching because I think there's a better jacket out there. I think you think that you want to wear that no-collar jacket. I'm telling you it's not the look.

What do you mean? I don't like the no-collar jackets. But I do. I don't like something you wear, but I don't fuck with you. No, I'm not fucking with you. I'm saying, like, I think that's, we have the thing in the conversation here piece about the age thing and you're not a that's a that's a that's a jacket for a crotch rocket motorcycle kind of thing you know what I mean yeah maybe you're right that jacket's fantastic I know but I don't

want to I want to dress I want it to be cool from when what do you mean that jacket I don't think those jackets are really worn him unless you're Andrew Tate I think like those guys I think the Tate brothers wear just no collar jackets I have a jacket I would love to but I'm not going to fit in it in time you look good with that what the coffee I don't know why you don't like that. This one looks really good on you. It's a little hot for stage. Huh?

It's a little hot for stage. We bought a leather jean jacket. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah, it's a little hot. Yeah, that looks good right there. No. No, it's not.

It's going to be hot on stage. Yeah, but some of them are real thin. Yeah, but you're not going to like the way that looks. That doesn't look good about it. Thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin. You need some structure. What about that leather vest? Yeah, maybe we're leather vest.

Can I dress you? It's like unseen. I would love for you to dress me. But you can't say anything about it. That's nuts. That's crazy. I'm not going to let you just dress me from my special. You'll see it that day.

No, you are you nuts. You have me dressing in a fucking dandy elf of Skank Fest. That's just one big day of a lot of shows. Wait, so you have two more packages coming that aren't the camera that aren't for Don? Yeah. You're going to grab her something at some point? I got her a card today. Are you going to like maybe go get her just like a little something?

Okay, well, Christine, let me say this. Show her the pictures of Lynn and be like, I've never done this to you. and that is your gift. And she'd be like, you can't, kid. I showed her a picture of a diamond bracelet. It was gold and diamond. Oh, my God. And I was like, it was like $1,400.

I was like, do you like this? I had a hookup to buy it and send it to me. All right? And she went, no, I don't like it. I go, well, you know, it's kind of nice. She goes, no, you need the other two tennis bracelets to make that one look good. You need two more bracelets. I was like, well, I'm not spending $6,000 on fucking penknit.

Five bags of fucking, if you punch it, it opens on its own. Tripod, quad pod, sorry. A magnet, a light magnet with a mirror on it, a backwards screen. New camera. Yeah, new camera. I have two new cameras. Two new camera. Yeah, but look at this tripod, dude.

Watch this. Quad pot, please. Watch this, quad pod. Look at this. But you missed the best part. Shrinks no flashlight. It's got a remote. It's got a remote.

And it comes off easy. It comes off. I can see it. Look at this. The remote. Okay. Look at that. Most of the remotes on these little tripos, quad pods, they fall off.

Not this one. That one you can barely take off. I mean, this is nuts, dude. I don't see why. How great is that? I don't know. And, listen, what happens to me, okay, is my brain goes, hey, dude, you can buy yourself something. It's your birthday.

Just get some stuff. And I wound up getting one thing and then another and then another and then another and then another and I couldn't stop until it was too late. You have to buy 56 things for yourself. And then my addictive personality took over and I fucked up. You started doing coke? No, I didn't. Oh. But it's because I don't fuck with food anymore.

I don't do drugs. I don't drink. I don't do sex. I don't do anything. I'd say masturbate more. I can't. You couldn't possibly do it more? I could do it more. I could do it more. There's not enough. There's not enough time of day to do more than you possibly do. I tell you what I should do. I should go get jerked off in a massage parlor. Yeah. Or something like that.

would help. Everybody in the room gave a silent yes, but I'll say it out loud yes, for sure. Even Christine went, you should. Yeah. Yeah, it's my addictive thing. I think don't want to understand. I think, don't want to keep buying stuff, so I just need to get whacked off like once a week by a confuse Asianly.

What did you say? Don't ask, what? Don't ask. Just get something. What do you mean? Just get her something nice that you think there's a right. Yeah, now you got to show up with something, dude. You can't, you can't ask her because it's going to be.

Like what? I don't know. Maybe like a nice bag that you like I can't she doesn't want a fucking bag I got her a louis But then it's for you huh But then you get to have it I was an idea

You know what I'm saying I do want one of those brown louis I like that brown louis Dude get her Get her a coupon book for 10 fucking massages From a hand job place And then when she goes I'm not going to get a fucking happy ending massage

And you go alright well I'm not gonna waste the money Right And then you go I go max let's go And you go listen the fact that I don't come home and fucking scream you in the face is how you know that this was a gift for you. Me getting whacked off was your gift.

Christine, will you buy her a gift for me? What? Will you buy her something for me? It has to come from you. Yeah, but you buy it and I'll give it to her. This might be a Stephen Singer job, buddy. What do you mean? Like diamonds?

I mean, buddy, you're showing, you bought 40 things. Yeah, just go buy her three tenants bracelets. What? Fuck him. How much is that? Less than normal. Probably a bag and a half.

Do you know what I do? Probably a camera. The camera was 700 bucks. It's a little more than that. It's the pro and you can't get it. How much does that bag weight? Look like you have the weight of an an envelope. This bag is, this is...

Don't even get them started. That bag is beyond. You know, I'm a bag slut, okay? And I love this bag. It looks like that bag is part of your character. You do it like trans brunches or drag brunches that you work at. Look at that

You look like an emce From a drag brunch Come on girls Are you ready to see these chicks Shake it It's a clubbing bag I don't know what the fuck to do I don't know what

I gotta get her something I got her a card Here here's the card Look There's the card D It says D It says simply D

It says D And then it says My bust Happy Anniversary I did see Bobby speedwriting Something on it Before the show downstairs

Oh good A nice sloppy speedwrite Do you want me To want me to tell you What I wrote Mm-hmm. You ready? Sorry about the chicken.

You ready? I'm going to read this year, but I don't want you to make fun. We'll make fun of what, what you say, or the hilarious way you're going to read your own words? The first one. Okay. Dawn. You're having... Fuck, I fucked it up already.

You're whiffing when your very first word. No, but I wrote it, and then I hand-wrote it in the card, and I wrote it wrong. It's been one week since you look. looked at me. No. That would have been better. I fucked up. What did you write the wrong amount of years? No, I wrote suck. I suck at this. A different name? No. Dear Vanessa. No. I, I suck, Jay. I wrote, it's been 19 years married. It's not. We've been married. We've been married for 19 years. I wrote, it's been 19 years married. To that's it. Period. Period. It's period. That doesn't make sense, does it?

It doesn't read good. It's been 19 years... I suck. No, I mean, it's fine. It's fine. It works. It's fine. It works, but it definitely sounds like a child.

It's been 19 years... Fun have been the days. Summer was fantastic. I learned Spanish on Babel. All right, ready? Give me some music, Lou. It's been 19 years married. Maybe it sounds like a little old English.

You should run next to a derp. It's been 19 years married, derp. It went by so fast. We've had, oh, fuck. Now we've got to wrap it up. What? You're saying, you guess it's gone by so fast. Hates me to say, we've got to end it.

We have been through so much together. We started out with nothing. And 19 years later, look at this amazing life we've built. but it was still very simple to me but it is still very simple to me sorry I fucked that up but you get the odds dude but it's still very simple to me

just be with you as much as I can I'm so grateful I get to spend my whole life with you baby nope I'm so do you write nope nope nope I got crazy there why did i say that to you i'm so grateful i get to spend my whole life with you by my side i love you don and i love the life we have together that's it it was fine what it was fine fine fine yeah oh she's gonna be thrown by that first thing it's been married 19 19 years married i wrote that fun we have

like life with you i fuck it you're pretty pretty girl i was like yo it was like you was like you like Yoda writing it. Yeah. We used two mys in the last sentence. Shut up. And I wrote this. I got to make sure I... There you go.

Christine's fine son. Why this ugly green? It's her birthstone. It is her birth stone. I didn't know that. Get rid of it. Why? I know she likes her birth time.

Yeah. Aredo. Oh, what's that ring? How much is that ring? This one? Yeah. Ew. Okay.

Fuck that then. How about that necklace? This? Yeah. This is on sale from 849 to like 300. It's rated garbage. What? It's rated garbage.

What do you mean it's a rated garbage? Read the ratings. Read the reviews. Too small. Too small. What else? Alright, something else, Christine. Nice blue, but it's hang on.

Disappointment. Oh, no. Small, disappointed. All right. Rip off. Oh, God. Beautiful. All right.

Taken back from all the bad comments. Chains bullshit. Too fragile for use. Small. All right. Get something else. What about that? No?

What's over there? This side? Yeah, I'm looking at how there's... Yeah, I figured about that. Ooh, what about that one? Christine, stop what you're doing? And look up, what's the name of this stupid thing? Peridot?

I looked it up on this. Peridot. Type in Peridot. Platinum. What? What? No, no. Leave Peridotow in there. Platinum? We're going to get this wrapped up in some platinum. Platinum? What? The precious metal? Platinum?

Doesn't that be ring? Just jewelry. It's not a 20th. It's on 19th. here we go now we're cooking with gas it's a thousand dollars dude yeah that's the low end get down get down to the good stuff oh my god

oh my god this green is so ugly it's crazy um let's see there you got right there look at that beautiful ring she'll never wear that 2750 dollars no that looks like the old lady in fucking Titanic no offense

I'm not getting that a necklace I like a necklace go up go up necklace What about that necklace down the end there with the diamond? That's that. It's pretty good.

I'll get that. Order that. How do I get that? That's a cool grand. Yeah, I like that. She'll like that, right? Eh, it's not enough. Okay, great.

I say we crank this thing up a little bit. It's actually really pretty. I'll get that. Get this thing out of there. Let me get that. We'll save it. Type in the word platinum. Oh, God.

Necklace next to it. Here we go. And do you just believe in your... There you go. What's that? There's your one right there. Where is it? $2,294.

No. That's the one. No. There it is. 2200. That's the jam. No, I'm not getting there. 22, that's 2,000.

$200. Do you care about her? I do. As much as you say in that little poem you wrote for her? I told you. I want to spend the whole life with her. Back up, back up. Right there.

There's the thing right there. Which one? The diamond. No, the Edward. it's a necklace it's $9,800 What is she an elf? I'm not getting her that

She's not from Middle Earth, asshole I'm not getting her that you fucking I don't know where I don't know we're part of Boston she's from there that's like weird fucking boring That's nice I swear to God Christine

If you show me one more thing That's under $3,000 I'm gonna fucking lose my mind I'm just gonna get her flowers On the way home at the gas station That's it dude Just let him die quick Just go to Macy's or go to Bloomingdale's

What's right there Get her a C4 energy drink Go to Sacks. Go to Saks. Get her a C4 energy drink and then get her one of those little roses inside the thing that you can smoke crack out of the thing after. That sounds good. I'll get her a C4 root beer and I'll get her a thing or flowers. Yeah.

And maybe I'll get her a gas tank because we need a gas tank. Honestly God, they usually have individually wrapped chip witches there too. That's a good idea. I'm going to get her some snacks. Some snacks. This is antique and it's really cool. All right. How much is it?

How much is it? I'm trying to find out. Oh, it's sold. Sorry. Oh, fuck. It's all. Yeah, I didn't know. Go back, you know what's not sold?

That $10,000 necklace. I tell you what's going to. Show where you love her. I'm not showing her I love her. I'm not sure I like her a lot. Married for 19 years you've been. I like her a lot, dude. Oh God, I spelled it, I wrote this hand, it's in marker.

Marker. It's in marker. Like Sharpie? Yeah, Sharpie in the card. Why is that bad? Yes. I thought that would be better. There you go.

There, look at that thing right there. $3,295. I'm not spending $3, $3,000. $200 on her. Why, she doesn't deserve that. So far, you're not spending anything. Fuck off, everybody. We're going to wrap up.

Don't you? Where are you break hands now, Jacob? Do your break hands. Do you jerk off hands. You want to jack us off real quick so we can get Bobby out of this? All right. Oh, get that, look at that little tiny

thing. What is that? What is it? A power button for an old Nintendo? Get that shit out of here. She is a green heart of the ocean. She needs to be dripping with diamonds. God damn it. I got to buy her something. do I get her something on the way home.

Sacks. Sacks. 47th Street. She doesn't want sacks for me. No, you go to the Diamond District, dude, and you hang it with these guys. You could probably get her a nice unset stone for about 7K. I'm not buying a shit. No, it's an investment, though.

I'm going to get her one of those. It's an investment. It's like a Rolex. I'm going to get her a GLD. Why don't you get her Rolex? Get her a girl Rolex. She doesn't want one. What?

She doesn't want one. Is that what you say to yourself? I told her. I said, get a Rolex. She goes, I don't want to watch. She's right. She doesn't like watches. Stupid.

Fucking, it's not. Well, I agree to disagree. Anyway, I can't want if she goes home and read your Yoda poem. Fuck. She's going to, but, well, he's stupid. I'm lucky he got me a card. I suck. I suck.

Look at that, Bobby. That's a nice one right there. I like that. Six grand. No, I'm not spending six grand. You can do it on flex pay. On flex pay. What the fuck is flex pay?

Flex pay, dude. You just paid off the rest of your life. Thank you so much for listening to us. always fun to be back starting our week off right with me and my booby-kelly Paco thank you for being here as always on the Mondays to the whole crew and for the whole crew we'll catch you tomorrow yeah congratulations on the game too you won it with a field goal we'll play that video tomorrow I thought you started the show like that with the girl freaking out is so funny

we were supposed to should have