The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Intensive Purposes (feat. Bobby Kelly)

Episode Date: June 29, 2020

Knowledge is power & no one will bash you over the head with it quite like Jay and Dan. Bobby Kelly joins the show and discusses the expectable sexual positions for the length challenged. Dan, Jay and Joe DeRosa marvel at Justin Silver’s access to the finer things in life.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J.O.K.S.M. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 p.m. on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app.

Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire SXM. Kampers how are you? It's King Black Blue and welcome to the bonfires best of the week. Now we have a feature clip of the great Bobby Kelly coming up, but first, if this next clip proves anything, it's that knowledge is power. And no one will bash that knowledge over your head like Jay and Dan. Here's the hosts to explain. I do what you do Dan, like when you give the information, I can't wait to run off and tell somebody goes, it's to make people unnerved, man, it's the whole thing. They're trying to they're trying to destabilize us and they go, I don't know, I go, I will dance at that. Yeah, I completely call that bar knowledge. That's where you're sitting at a bar and then you go

tell your friends at work, you know what a guy at a bar told me. He told me that Aguana's have three penises. It's like, it's a good thing. I always, I think I told him the show before, but that was one of my favorites, leaving Trent at that tabago. It's where McGig I did.

And there was a guy going like, this guy was like, he was, you wanna stop on the way to the airport for a coconut? I was like, no, we don't stop because it's so good. He goes, you got to get the coconut water. That is so good. And I was like, all right, if I was like coconut milk, he's like, now I'll be called coconut milk,

but it's inside I think it's coconut water. I was like, oh, okay, I didn't know that. And then it was less than a week later, Sherrod Small, of course, Sherrod in this story. He was like, something, something coconut milk money. And I was like, Sherrod, it's fucking coconut water. You idiot. Like I was so like, he was like, okay.

And I was, and I apologize right away. I don't know why. I just found an estimation out myself. And I'm yelling at you like you're the idiot who never learned this stuff before. If I can't wait to be that guy, I'd be like, oh, you boob, it's this. I know he's granted, I only found this out moments ago,

but you're an idiot. I've completely exposed myself realizing that that is how I learn most of my information. It's just, I hear it and I turn around and squawk like a dumb roosteroster or I'm like, you know, I heard I actually heard that 5G gives your balls more sperm. And then how's that possible? I go because it warms them up and then it cooks more sperm. You would have loved this. I called Lewis that last night because it was so funny because Dave Smith, we were talking about the crystal

of the stuff. Yeah. And Dave Smith's like, you know, look, he's like categorically denied all of these things. And then Lewis, like the next thing he was talking was like, that's all and that's what Chris, you know, he's categorically denied everything. And I go, you're not supposed to hear the term, the new term, they get excited to use it. I do the same thing you do, but you don't just use it right back the next time to the person, you take it to the world. And yeah, somebody else for not understanding it. You idiot. Yeah, the rattlesnake needs to be right back to me goes,

and then you know, he has kind of working not everything. I go, Lewis, you would have just said denied. Dude, it's one minute ago, one minute ago. If you throw out a per se at me, get ready for someone in my life to hear per se, and about two to three hours. And God forbid, like you really put it into a great context for without having to ask like a boo and you just go, oh, like I get what that is now exactly.

You know, someone's a good friend when they call you out on the word usage. That's why I love our friendship because you can be like, what did you just say right there? And I'm like, is that, no God, is that not the word? Because I think I heard it in a fucking movie. Oh god. Intense in purposes, I took that on tour after I fucking heard that. I mean, just waiting intently, constantly for people to say,

intensive purposes. So I can, you must have grew up with shithead parents. It's intense and purposes. Yeah, dude, I would be safe to say that 70% of my knowledge is bar knowledge. Yeah, someone corrected me, and then I go correct people, like you're a fucking golfer ever making a mistake. I made four years old.

Dude, if I find out a piece of information and you hold onto that same old belief, I will nuke your ass. Well, you I find out a piece of information and you hold on to that same old belief, I will nuke your ass. Well, you're on a 12-year-old like they should know when I found out it's 40. Yeah, you didn't know what a kilometer is, you fucking idiot. I think your dumb kids not ready for the world. Fucking box this kid up and send them back. Hey, what's up with spung brain over here? Did you guys soak in water? Why is he walking around to say a dumb shit? And then you go, yeah, what happened to your son? Did he almost drown when he was a kid or something? What's going on? Hey, your brain accident, baby, keep trying to tell me information that

doesn't fly. But no, man, I just learned this some week ago because I know I can't believe this idiot kid didn't know it. You just watched and know of a documentary about it How you're telling everyone? It's probably nine years of recording of me saying intensive purposes Dude, I am that's why whenever you call me out for it my initial instinct is Defense and then I go you know what this is wrong. Just let it just let the change happen. I like that you do it with words You know, though I appreciate it. I'll do it once in a while too When you just take the leap You're wrong and then it was funny. I go wait. What'd you say then this best you used to go what?

I was what is it normally I totally bret farmed a word I Normally, dude, I totally Brett Farved a word Recently where I just fucking threw it and it landed and you were like did you use that correctly? And I was like I fucking just saw the opening and I fucking winged it. Yeah, I get I Get the one I try to throw out a lot there is my say something is I get a I get the one I try to throw out a lot there is my say something is In the like common speak of the world now. I I never remember if I go that's in the lexicon or the acular. Yes one of those two what I'll just out the first time is just the ether because I know that just means like it's out there That's good. That's good lexicon. Lexicon's good lexicon. I you like this

But if you were like to fit me you're like really describe what's the lexicon lexicon's good lexicon I you like this but if you like to fit you're like really describe what's the lexicon I go where those words are yeah yeah I do those words are now jargon and lexicon I'll be like I don't know I sometimes say them and then you don't want to know the one I really take a fucking triple leap if if this is the long jump and it's lexicon, and then if it goes like jargon lexicon, then the one I jump the most is zeitgeist. If I'm using that, I'm like, you know, it's in the zeitgeist. If I'm using that, woohoo, I'm,

I'm just here clear of zeitgeist. By the way, just find out now it's vernacular. So that's exciting. Yeah, I thought it was vernacular. Yeah, me too, dude. V I would look up V a NAC and By the way, let this be a full address Christine This is us apologizing to you every time you go to type something and we're like you fucking idiot

That's not how you spell it and now it's like ah man We would have totally done that if it was like hey, what's up in acular and you're like, oh god damn it's burn out. I know I know my baby well enough to know up there in that corner by that gigal is also she was corrected to vernacular by the computer itself. Is she like she's saying no you weren't the were it correct? Kristi? Well we could all lie if we didn't share the screen we'd all lie about this. That's the whole point of this conversation is that when you find out you like to yell at people the other things So, Kristi you did not know Lexicon I would have gotten wrong in a spelling bee probably Jay won't believe there's any possibility that I know anything

He doesn't know You know what it is You go guys Christine doesn't even know about sunroofs. It's pretty awesome. I just told everyone cut out squares in these cars. The, uh, the entire catalog of Sublime, you are far more fluid than I am. I'll, you know, the fall, you know, the fallward robe of a Ron John Sherf shop. The inner workings and goings on of the Kardashian family. You know, which proper A.O. Lee goes on a fish taco?

You know lots of stuff. The third e-throw would have gotten. Christine can tell us the difference between a pukashell and a shell necklace. I'm just trying to think of beef crock. Oh yeah. She understands the sizing of toe rings. She understands how to bury a keg properly in the sand.

So it's cold. Yeah, which side of a surfboard you actually wax? She knows how to treat a shark bite, which is that's pretty cool. Until it made sense to me that the wax is so your feet stick to it in the water. In my mind, always people were waxing the bottom of their boards to make it slippery on the wall. I don't know what. Yeah, I'm learning that right now.

Jay, I'm learning that right now that wax keeps your eye. Honestly, I thought it was to make the board go through the water faster. I'd watch people wax the surfboard on TV shows and in my mind, not getting, and then I would go so they wax the bottom of the board, it goes, how the hell do you stand up on a wet piece of fucking plastic like that?

It goes, oh, because you're supposed to make it sticky with wax before you go. That is the same thing I thought every time I watched an airborne when he waxes his surfboard in the basement and then does the daydream of catching that fucking sick wave. I also thought when you wax somebody's ass that you would also legitimately wax it like a server board. So you get grip on their butt. When I was eight years old and someone told me you eat put see I thought you're like put food in the pussy and ate it out. What do you like to eat? What do you like to eat out of pussy? What do you mean? I just eat the pussy out because yeah, but what do you eat out of it? Yeah, it's like I know you're doing.

I just eat the pussy out because you know what he eat out of it. Yeah, it's like I know you're doing We have because I put I don't know it's like you can put whatever you want the bread bowl. So I guess you can put whatever you want My favorite cheddar broccoli soup. What do you eat out of this? I go. I'm not gonna lie man. Hadn't claim chowder not bad out of a push bowl Crackled crackle everyone. This is Liu. On this week's quarantine loss tapes, the great Robert Kelly joins Dan and Jay to talk about comedian's dicks. Just the big ones. Then they move on to talk about how each one of them fucks, including sexual positions, and role-playing. Enjoy. Whoa. Look at that. Damn. I mean, yeah, you can't. If I had a dick like

that, I could have gotten blown in a car in my life instead of finding out. If a girl blows me to car, she's getting maybe a little bit of tip in her mouth and she's getting fucking her ears boxed by my gut and the horn. If he doesn't refer to that as the broadsword. If I get blown in the car, you have to tie rope to my shaft and then tie it to the seat out in the back. If you want to blow me in the car, you have to pull over to the side of the road where there's absolutely nobody and turn off any music so I can concentrate. No. This is for police officers.

We're talking about roadhead though, Dan. This has to be wild cars moving. Dan, in order for me to make that work, I would have to drive like a freaking teenager who just stole like that, like laid back like this. The only time I ever got, the only time I ever got, there's no way I'm sitting like this and a girl's getting, she would have to be like 69ing me to get some some ideas the only time I ever got Roadhead was in Tucson from a stripper with babies Let me get Roadhead. I would have to arch my back. I would have to form a sea Drive with my feet. Yeah, Bobby. It looks like he's trying to turn off the fucking dome light with his nose

I'd have to hang my left leg out the driver's son window But I was weird because I was I was I was peeing and then he came oh, you know Ari came over to pee You know, I mean I'm alright and then there was another thing and then I was changing and he just came over Yeah, I'm like you know like and I was kind of hiding my ding dong. You know what I mean? Because it's like, I mean, if you want to see it, I'll show it to you, but let me get it ready.

Yeah. I can't, I just, you know, I just woke up. Louis, you can't, I'm not a spontaneous dick show where it's got, there's a process. Louis is very much like Ari in which he he he's a nosy little fella and He's coming at it like at the fucking stall at the yearnals and serious Lewis upon it. He came so he's like What's your dick look like today? I don't know. Stop. I'm trying to hit the fucking yearnal correctly Who is a little putt but it. He doesn't care. He's got that, uh, he's got that, not give a fuck to him.

Joe, Joe, let's drink. He would show his dick. Yeah, his dick. Oh, yes, and a two. He's got a foul, he got a fat little hog. Yeah, he's got it. Yeah, the Joe's dick is good. I think Chrissy D's dick is the best.

Louis has a dick that looks exactly like you think Louis's dick would look like it's been in gang battles. It's multi colored and racial. Yes, it's just an Ari's dick look like it's going to do a mick-fah like in a small and a 40 amouts of water somewhere. Always dick looks like one of the fish that they found when they dropped a camera below or it was it never been before Always got deep sea dick But we all we all we all we all bow down to Kurt Mezzger's piece Mezzger really just has a monster. It's just it's just so it's straight. It's super straight It's just fucking it's It's straight, it's super straight. It's just fucking, it's just a metrical

and just like the same girth from fucking, from based to fucking hat. Any letterman and I were in LA together, she was opening for me and say, a day ago, somehow I got brought up, she was, can't even think about it without starting to sweat. You're like, you know, you just lays a fucking, a dead eyed Franken fuck on you. I mean, it's just

It doesn't and Alches sound like yay. He does no idea. He just keeps going She rides got a big one too. She ride small. He's got a big one Yeah, but Jay Jay's correct that with with Kurt puttin that inside of you You feel just the pure force of nature. They're trying to convince an animal not to hurt you Yeah, something tells me Kurt you couldn't even have the conversation of like, you did it a few times and then let's go. I think you better fucking, you better get a, a, a, a, a, a, a, gobbah spit on that thing because that thing is getting buried on the shot one. I, I, girls, I remember when I used to bang, girls would fuck me like, they would try to fuck

harder and like try to fuck quicker thinking that they could feel more if they did something. You know what I mean? Like they would just like, there's got to be a way I can make this dick better. And it was never a way like they would move. Remember, and I was like, that's, I mean, that's, it is what it is. You know what I mean? And I don't take, you know, the giant is huge, by the way, but, you know, I've never had

a girl. I've always girls like, your dick is good. Yeah. I had this conversation this weekend. It's, you can tell we have a big dick or a a Normal to small dick is if you prefer when someone a girls riding you Bobby I would assume by your description you prefer the mush to the fucking up and down I Prefer the mush You never they never really leave your body. It's just like they just kind of knock on your dick, like a fucking pendulum back and forth from their husk.

When they try to fucking start going up and down, I start getting soft because all I think about is the one time that you're gonna come up too high and then back to my dick and ass. You know what, even if that happens, I grab onto their waist and I'm like, I control this now, you don't get to do this motion. I'm pretty think I'm being sexy when I dig bruises into her thighs

to be like, stop getting over jealous. How do you not feel inside of you where it's going? Yeah, I need the mush because I need her to push down on my bush fat. Mush, actually mush my pubic hair fat down. Wait, so Bobby, it's also So she also has to prepare almost like a nesting like the way kittens nest in their mom I'm afraid now something tells me you like the old fucking up and down

Throw those feet down and squat it up. I'm all about the mush, dude. I get very nervous. Swort it away, towards it away. I get very nervous of the up and down. I gotta hold you to me if you're gonna up and down, because it's gonna, if you go too high and come, now I ain't having that. I mean, it takes one near miss,

where you can feel the air of the room, hit the bump or dickhead, and then you're like, this is going to be a problem. I'm nearly going to go soft. Like, no, you're going to hurt me, you're going to hurt me. I'm going to go side, side fucking is the worst too. I don't even try. I can't waste it. It's got the waste of time. And you know, you don't really going to be informed to me more times than not how much she loves that particularly. I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. I can't.

I love the dish. You can't cook. I love it. Yeah, you have to pick your gut up over to her ass like the seatbelt on a plane. I've heard you heard. I'm getting to an impossible position. Like, did you get like a, like a, like a, like a Mustang raising up sort of like a weird like I need your back to do like a fucking strange thing to make his little room. But also can you hold your

your one leg up in the air as much as humanly possible. And I also have to keep my legs open. So I think I got an asshole laying on my side with my one leg in the air trying to side dick it just a I know my positions. Let me fucking lead it. I would I would pay for a recorded just audio of you trying to side fuck and it sounds like you guys are just trying to move a couch through a way right on, right on, to get there on. I'm gonna be able to bid even a piece of the sheet

gets between me. It's fun. Like I can't, you couldn't put a piece of paper between anything, it's like everything has to be stripped off the bed. I gotta pull you into my gut. I gotta move you down and then push you into it and then just pump real

quick. Also, also, Bobby, my correct, the pumping you realize in there is just picture when your dicks like hard, but you like sit down saying it kind of retracts. All you're giving her is like you're just pushing out of the retraction a little bit. You're not even giving, it's not a pump. Your dick's almost, your dick's skin staying in the same place. It's like you're pushing your head through with the tube of your dick. It is, it seems worthless. I've taken my dick out and the bottom part of my dick was dry. Vigina, like it's never even get it, it never even got a chance. Yeah, Bobby, now that you're, you look, you look fantastic. Are you adding a, you had an interest to the wiener now that you're dropping to the LBs? Well, it's, it's,

it's a catch 22, Daniel. Um, because it's 50, you know what I mean? I'm turning 50 in October. I'm gorgeous fucking sato skin. How much of you how much of you how much weight have you lost? I've lost over 35 pounds. Oh, yeah, I was I was three 35 in a rubah in December. And then today I weighed myself. I was two 95. Oh, so, um, so yeah, almost almost 40 pounds But you know I wait you wait yourself in the morning and then you throw something in your face and you're fucking 10 pounds heavier

I um yeah, I mean Here's the problem though is anytime I gain weight before You know it was I never gained this much weight. This was fucking crazy, you know. And now I'm losing it. So it's, you're losing it, but you still, you still look like gaba's when you take your shirt off, you know what I mean? Yeah. Since the word you get it all down on your end of age, where it doesn't matter anyway,

body sucks, it's best. You know, my blood goes to my toes barely. I'm like, cock. You know, so it's, I mean, I'm hoping that I can get in the next year, I can get it down and then do some type of Joe Rogan fucking multi pack of fucking testosterone and brain enhancer and do something, you know, grow my hair back and fucking my dick gets big again. Man, I can't wait for H, I cannot wait for HGH Bobby. Just flying off the handle for nothing, but he's a little bit of a trap that just don't

end. I just did fucking get your mask off. I got to go do my kettlebells or else I'll snap someone's neck. Yeah. Just my own. It has a fucking big deep bite by sitting in it. You got a little sugar baby nuts because you've been fucking blasted in steroids. Okay, worth though.

I'll tell you what, as I get older though, my dick veins have become more tack talk. My dick veins have, they're like, oh, they're like a red head girl veins, you know, those little thin veins. Oh, yeah, the blueies, but I, yeah. But they actually have like textured to them because that was my thing. I never had dick veins that came up on the dick, but I'll tell you, as someone who knows I hate having blood drawn because I have terrible veins in my dumb fat arms, there is one vein in my dick where I'm telling you to get it first shot every time, no problem. But just one.

One. It's lumped up. It's, it's, it's, uh, maybe it's bad. Maybe it needs to have no circulation in my dick. My dick, my dick, well, I used to have a really pretty dick. Like, that was the one thing I would get. You have a, you have a, you have a, like, it was a pretty dick. It was a nice dick.

And now with age, it's like, even my pubes, I think, I think your pubes die. Like, I remember having like a big bush. Yeah. And as I get older, they're, they're, like, thinning out. Like, my pubes are, wait, do you think you go pub, I mean, I think you go pub, old? No, I'm telling you, I think you can, but I'm telling you what that is, wait, do you think you go pubes? I think you go pubes?

No, I don't tell you. I think you can, but I'm telling you what that is, Bobby, and take this from someone. You're newer to the fat world. I came up through this game, and I'll tell you what that is. It's simply this. Picture you take a patch of grass, a thick patch of grass, and then you stretch it around a ball over and over and you stretch it, and you start seeing those blades of grass separate more. It's your gun, dude. I've never, I've always envied a guy with a thick, luscious fucking, like, just base of his dick. Yeah. It's just a thick

bush and it doesn't now works because of the skins. yeah. So it's like when you're spreading those follicles. So when you take it like a backyard table and you turn it over on the graph for a day to wash it, but you forget it. You come back the next day and underneath the grass, it's all yellow and dead. Yes. Now, okay, now, can once my fatness goes away and I get light and air and I water it will it come back? No, no, you're not missing hair. It's not what I'm saying is happening. I'm saying the skin has expanded so we're hair follicle for when it's hard to be each

other. Now split so as is the gut goes down if that's a thing if there's gun that's where they do liposuction that is where I would get it. As that skin goes back down, your pub hairs are gonna come closer together, you're gonna have a nice thick bushy neck, yeah? I'm saying some fat bald guys aren't bald, they're just too fat that their hair spread out. Yep, that is the exact science.

Bobby, I'm gonna step in here and take over and say yes, that's 100% science hoods. That's scientific approval. I can take it with no doubt in my mind. Jacob Batat down there has a fucking thick, luscious balance. Oh, so just a piece of you. You cannot see skin through that dick hair at all. And it's because he let his zero guns.

He is, his, his head was always supposed to put his iPhone in there and it wouldn't get wet if he went in a pool. Yeah. To a fatty pack of beef right of his beautiful peoples. I would love my bush fat back. Hey everybody by the way I didn't say hi to everybody I miss you guys haven't seen you in a while. How do you join this conversation? Where do you land on fucking a girl from behind. Not my favorite thing. I like it. I do like it. But I like to do. The only way I really like to do it is when you that dog thing, where you kind of, you kind of go over them. You're out. You like the amount of. Yeah, you kind of mount. I like the mount.

It's a, let me think how it goes because I it's like your act You can only do it on stage. I can't you know I mean feel free. Yeah, no, no, you're really good into it You got a kind of like you kind of put your legs over the front of their legs Get your thing and you're kind of you're like riding them from the I do that with one one leg is always go I'm putting in one hook You know, I mean one hook in and that's how I throw it Yeah, throw one hook and I get it with that that's the best way I can do

But I know all the positions that I rock in because I Know how to create a space where there is nothing between the base of my dick and her pussy, but air and opportunity. There is just nothing in the way, no thigh in the way, no nothing. Jay, I mean, all the great say you have to set yourself up for success and it sounds like that's what you're doing. I do like that. And I like this too. If you put them right flat on, if I, you know, when you have sex, I like, get on your belly, flatten you out, and just, you know, kind of lie on top of her

and mush it in. Yeah, it's like, I like the reverse mush. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, let me rub around on you and put that weight on you. Get ready for some pop sweat. But, no, if you saw yourself in that position, what you're doing with your body looks like you're getting electrocuted, because when get that land, you just gotta go.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The reverse mush is just that woman better get your starfish it and just get ready to hold on. Yeah. I mean, I can't reverse, I can't reverse mush like, you know, with a clean conscience now because I could, I know my wife

is just holding on for dear life, trying to get breath like she's in a wave and she was surfing, she got pulled down to the, because I'm on top of her with all my weight. And, you know, she can't be enjoying it. So, yeah, I do it for a little bit and then I'm done. And then I, I like uh, I like the old missionary is the, you know, the way to go bring the legs up. But my wife's old too. We were banging once and both the hamstrings gave out. She rolled over on the ground like a fucking turtle. Poor steam. The steam said to watch me work at a Charlie horse midfuck the floor while inside of her punching my own punching the back of my own thigh like and a poor girl poor poor

I yelled at Don one night because I got a I got a cramp and I was screaming and she's like yeah I'm like dummy stop I need you help this isn't part of the fucking deal Also, how about this? How about girl on top of the fucking deal. Also, how about this? How about girl on top? She's doing the much. But then she's trying to spend too much time face to face and you're like, sit up. Yeah, face to face is stupid. But that's their face to face because they can't, they can't hold the position. So they go and face to face to take a little break on their hammies. Well, then, but then, but then, but then, But then I, yeah, coming for a couple smooches and get the fuck back up.

That's why I do a good, I do a good, like I'm just feeling your tits and I just shoot on you. I'm part of the tits. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Kissing during sex is the, it's the grabbing during boxing. It's just doing it. You just wrap up and you kiss and you're like kiss fucking is my favorite. Yeah, I don't mind kiss fucking. I like it. I like it.

Kiss fucking to me is when you make out like like you're fucking like your mouth's a fucking you're fucking so you kind of latch on to each other and And yeah. Yeah, I feel like I just like I just like two dogs fighting just two dogs attacking each other. I mean, I mean, I go down for the kisses where I'm on top, you know, if you're if your legs will bend like that, then I'll kiss you. Yeah, especially with a she-mail. I mean, I'm what? I'm not sitting what? Say the other game that I throw pretty good. Weirdly though if you are gonna come in for the face to face when you're motion on top

Yeah, when the girl's on top motion, she comes in for the case That's when I will then try to get I'll try to tuck a little lower Yeah, and then then bend the bend knees, plant the feet and fuck up. I'm pretty good at fucking up, but my cardio is only good for about, you get about 45 seconds of up fucking, but you should be able to catch your breath by then and then accept my tip push back up. You're sitting in position. The most important thing up pretty soon.

I miss this. I miss Stan fucking like, you know, like being of the, there was a day where you could pick a girl up in a sundress and push her up against the wall and do a fucking Patrick Swayze. Yeah. And yeah, it's, it's those days, I guess, I mean, I could try it. Let me ask you a question, both of you guys. How do you feel about role playing?

I don't know. I didn't know that. I would break like Jimmy Fallon on SNL. The second you were like, the second you'd be like, I don't know, professor. I'm like, I can't do it. I'm all about shit talk, but I'm like, yeah, love shit talking. Can't do role play.

I can't. I'm not into shit talk. I'm into I like a nice role play. I mean, maybe it's the actor in me, but I like that. You are a fantastic actor. So I'm not surprised that you, but can I ask you a question if we can do a little inside the actor studio for your whole lives? Absolutely.

When do you decide on the character? Is it in a pre-conversation? How is the role play set up? All right, I'm a pretty girl and you're my boss, go. I've done that. I had a girl that was really into role playing years ago. We would set it up days ahead of time. And she would make phone calls to me

as a certain teacher or as my friend's mom. And she'd be like, have you seen, has Ricky been around? I'd be like, I haven't seen him. Okay, are you still coming over Friday? I'd be like, yeah, and I mean, it took, and then I'd come over and, hey, where's your, oh, he's gonna,

and then the whole thing unravels and it took hours and I fell asleep and I was like, wait till I really get to sleep. And then I fell asleep and then she came in and you know, but I fell asleep with no clothes on and she came in and she like kind of like undid the clothes and she stayed in character and it took like, I mean hours. And then she finally took out my wing wang and she stayed in character and it took like, I mean, hours. And then she finally took out my wing wing and I think her playing with it. And I was like, what are you doing? I acted scared like, no, no, no.

And she was like, it's okay. It's okay. Have you ever been with a woman? I was like, no. Oh, man, I would fucking kill for a tape of you acting the set like acting to be satsy. Let me say acting you have to be so funny to watch. What's wrong? He goes, I'm just afraid. Yeah.

And he goes, dude, it's funny to watch think about him being like, you know what? Can we take that again? Can you go back to the first positions? Everybody. I feel like you speed. I. I feel like, do speed. I knew this girl in college and we had like been flirting and she was like telling me she's like,

you know, why don't I come over and we could like take a naked nap or whatever and I was like, oh yeah. And we talked about it a week later, I was like, why don't you come over? I'm gonna take a nap, just come on in and jump into bed thinking like, oh, this will lead to like her coming into bed and we'll start fucking, this dumb asshole comes

into my apartment, opens the door, sees me sleeping in the leaves, and then when I text her, I'm like, hey, where are you? She goes, I say, you sleep, I say, you're sleeping, I don't wanna wake you up. I was like, wait, wait, we fucking talked about, you blew it,

you blew the whole thing. You gotta fire her, she doesn't get the job. I actually like it, I don't think there you've come and if you when you wait Three days to blow a load Do you like how that sucks about that though? As soon as you're done, you have to become yourselves and it's like a real TV gig or a movie We're like, all right. I'll see you. I'll see you next week. No great job I'll see you next week. No, great job. That was a lot of fun.

That was a lot of fun. Great job today. I'll see you at the rap party. If you're in a situation that you probably shouldn't be in any way, like just like kind of, it's like maybe you're not attracted to the person or you can tell they're not that into you. Whatever it is, you're just like in the scenario like that. I remember hooking up with a girl who I just wasn't attracted to, but like she was like,

I'll do it. Like I'll do it. And she blew me and she was talking a lot of shit while she was like, you know what I mean? Like a lot of it. And it was like working for the situation. I mean, and then as soon as I fucking came, she kept doing it.

She was like, is it good? Did I lick it all up? And I was like, uh-huh. Do you want to see if the protest air is over? I'm so sticky. And like, what's sticky? Want me to eat some water? It's sticky.

That is. I like to, I like, after sex, I always, even though the chicks, I, you know, the, the, the one night stands, I kind of played it out until the morning. You know what I mean? I kind of like the, I'm a romantic. I like, I like, I like, I'm a, not with some of you not attracted to, not with some of you not attracted to you,

you could do that for sure. Yeah, you know what? I mean, you know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, you're already there. You might as well go with the story. I mean, I don't know. I've as well go with the story. I mean, I don't know. I've been in a lot of situations where I was kind of a, you know what I mean?

You remember? I mean, he's a lot of time fragile. I don't know if I get in a good long cut with somebody who smells like beer cheese. You know, I'm just so mad. Oh, dude, yeah, when are you gonna be cut old with someone you don't like? And you're just like Oh, he's right

You look right in a hoagie in bed last night. Oh, who's this chick? Hey, it's black luagen and Jane guest Joe de Ruzan Marble at the access to the fun of things in life that has presented to our friend of the show Justin Silver listen in as they imagine the time that Justin was offered to take the Ferrari speaking of J man Mm-hmm my friend Phoebe Listen in as they imagine the time that Justin was offered to take the Ferrari speaking to J man My friend Phoebe You guys are met Phoebe bottoms very funny comic very nice person She called me the other day and we were talking phone. She goes look out of the blue. She goes What is Justin living up on some farm of great Danes? What is he doing? farm of great Danes. What is he doing?

Man, I got to take her through the entire Instagram journey, dude. Oh, well, that was a joy, dude. She didn't know about any of it. There's the shirtless man horseback riding all of it. Oh boy, she got to say, cowboy hats over decks. Yeah, there's what comes on the beach. I like to go to strawberry farms where there's kissing contests. I can't even vote photographers and hot guys. Sorry. She laughs so hard, Jay, what I told her about when Justin said the you, he was like, I forget where you guys are going to go. So he goes, my friend has core vets we can drive around. Oh, yeah.

We've got five dance units. I can't even drive his car vets around. Yeah, yeah He's got a bunch of corvettes you just take it What have you made this guy feel man? It's not a thing you would ever offer somebody if I was like Jay I'm coming to town you would be like take my car out for a spin if you want I think those for are these by the if you want to take Ferrari's by the way. You want to take Ferrari's, but uh, yeah, whatever.

For a Ferrari under Corvette, that's just, that's a guy, that's a guy just rolled a sweddy back off another guy's sweaty chest and going like, oh, oh, man, that was amazing. Yeah. Take a car, take a Ferrari if you want. Take the Ferrari and go get some sandwiches. lover. Oh my God. Oh, it, you only offered a dry, you only offer someone your Ferrari if you're

fucking them or you're high on a bunch of pills. You're like, man, you're like Ferrari. He said like this. I care these Ilias. Justin was like, Shanna, I forgot. I got a drive and do this thing. It's out of the guy just went, take the far. That's your fraud.

He goes. I think you guys are wrong. I think it's more of a shirtless preparation of some sort of pasta in the kitchen. Justin comes in putting a shirt on and he goes, I just remembered I have to be back in the city. Take the Ferrari. I can't take the Ferrari. I'll take me forever. He goes, just take the Ferrari. Yeah, but I don't think we can see the good answer. Justin going Justin going like I really appreciate that but I wouldn't feel like taking this for a rock and then the guy just touches Justin's lips and then kisses him and looks just shut up and take the Ferrari.

Hey, you know, shut your mouth. He's got a spoon and he goes, he's got the dish towel over his over shirt with his horse up. You know, shut up and taste this and he goes, oh my god, he goes, I know. Now bring the Ferrari back on piece. All right. And he goes, oh my god, he goes, I know. Now bring the Ferrari back home and peace. All right. Yeah, he goes, doesn't need more salt. That's all I want to hear from you. Say nothing else, take the Ferrari.

Hey, it's Big J. O'Grasson, and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday, from 6th, 8 PM, Eastern, on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bonfire at SexM. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪