The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Into The Woods (feat. Greg Fitzsimmons)

Episode Date: July 1, 2021

Greg Fitzsimmons joins Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder on The Bonfire and tells the gang about writing a book that reads like his diary and a story of a time he was planning on experimenting in the woods and then second guessed himself when faced with the realty of the situation.Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com@GregFitzsimmons www.GregFitzsimmons.com #CrackleCrackle

I'm Dan Soder and I'm Big J. Ocarson and welcome to the Bonfire podcast. You can hear our full show every day on SiriusXM. Go to SiriusXM.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now the Bonfire with Big J. Ocarson and Dan Soder. The cause is free. Welcome back to the Bonfire. I'm Dan Soder that's Big J. Ocarson. Our guest, you can check him out on Fitstock Radio.

He's also going to be at bananas in New Jersey August 6th and 7th and Buffalo Rose and Golden Colorado. Hey, was one of my favorite comics to watch a lot. Yeah, one of the funniest dudes ever. Please welcome to the show. Great. Fit Simmons. What do you think? What do you think the cause? You you're here you're here on a glorious day They're really up because that's gonna be as new special just cause Man sitting down and killing for a fucking hour. We're I'm saying to the J What if he came out of jail with just a fucking tight hour? Tight hour. Yeah, it would be like his Johnny Cash special. The printer.

I think if he just takes off his sweater after one of the shows, and he's got Max Katie tattoos all over him. Oh my god. Oh my god. The scales of Joseph. That's the scales of Joseph Slumberback. When I move my back, it goes as if it was in his apple. I've got a couple dictators.

I got me saline me over on my rib cage. I had a lot of work done. Get sell made a slump face down this pants around his ankles. What happened? Where did he go? Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.

I'll tell you what, ever since Cos left, I haven't been sleeping as good. I can't tell you. I miss him. I miss Bill. Yeah, man. And what did you think? I mean, everyone kind of found out at the same time. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that in a sense it's a victory that a black man can prefer justice the same way a white guy can it. Yeah, absolutely. I gotta say Bill Cosby getting a jail, score one for whites. Am I right?

Am I right? But it's a little of the heat off. You know what I mean? What about Bill Cosby got out? Oh no, didn't I break that? Yeah, man, him getting out of that should just be a Amex card commercial. Whether like you got enough money, you can fucking, you can get out of everything. Take it with the everywhere. Oh, especially don't wink up without it. I'm a shot my fault. Let me shut my phone. They're now waking up to build Cosby is a nightmare with that fucking the way his face just stopped working If you open your eyes and see his eyes are already open You might think he died with his eyes open because he's got those kind of eyes He's got when they found Chris Tucker dead and dead president size

Yeah, drugs you and the question is which one one of you is actually going to not wake up here? Yeah, we went together. You show up at the pearly gates the same time as him. Yeah, nothing happens. Sweetheart, I couldn't figure out my pants buckles. Oh, zips and the zaps of the boobs and the straps. Well, can we forget that it was an attempted rape and more look at it as a mutual map? Hello, sweetheart, don't worry, nothing happened. I couldn't get it up because of the thing in my old and the chemistry and my body in the soup.

This is all this wasted opportunity. They can't always, you don't, you don't swing it every pitch. That's what I've learned throughout all my years. You still get the part and you got yourself a couple of rem cycles. Not a bad couch. Does he not hurt at all? Lower back. It's a good couch.

Yeah, man, I don't know. It's kind of crazy to think of, now the Cosby story went away. It was just like, oh, he's going to be in jail, probably till he dies. Well, he was no, he was sentenced to three to ten years and he did three years. So, you know, this was his, this was the minimum on his sentence. He's absolutely got to use that never teachable moment that he has in real life because the three years I've been a little maximum security prison. Do we, do we ever ask you Greg about your time working for Ellen?

You might not be able to say anything at all. But the world record that the Ellen question didn't come up in. It was well. No, I was just, I only brought it up because our friend of ours worked there. I said the same time as you were working there also and she was just she only has like a personal stories, but she's always like it was pretty rough. Who's that? Michelle went. Oh yeah, yeah, it was you know it's weird is when it started I was.

I was excited because I was the him it was a good comic. She really wasn't strong. Stay in a comic. So when I heard she had a show, I was like, yes, try to get me on that. So then they brought me in. And she was so grateful to have another shot that she was actually really humble and nice.

And it was like teamwork. And then as soon as we started winning Emmys, it was like everything changed. Really? Was it a gradual or an instant? Was it like the second Emmy knocked everything weird? It was, well, first of all, I should say, I'm in a non-disclosure agreement, so I literally,

I talked on Stern about her one time, and I got a call about it later that day from my Don't worry down down on this channel. They won't find you. They won't care. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking Once you want Emmys everything changed her head trail careers got bigger Oh my god, I knew success makes you gay Actually, I think it kind of does like you look at like David Bowie and Mick Jagger was Yes, they got famous first. They were like they got tired of all the pussy that was coming at the same three ways four ways I don't fault him if you've tried every flavor of ice cream Why not try some pro you pro you might have a different taste might be a little sure

It's got to be insulting to be the last pussy you fuck before you go Bank David. I was gonna try some gay stuff, dude because I got to be honest I'm getting so bored of pussy same old same or just to be that last girl. I was like that was wonderful He goes that was it was it was it was it was wonderful I don't know if it was wonderful. It was the same as the other one You know how should be wonderful the way my dick used to get hard for women now it does for David Bowie Oh David they that must have been a fun conversation Bowie and Mack and they're like we fucked everybody Except each and make and they're like, we fucked everybody except each other.

Did you ever see the, did you ever see the shreds video Greg of where they take the music, the actual music out of dancing in the streets with Bowie and Mick Jagger. And it just looks like, it just looks like a gala fest. It's hilarious. I fucking love that. You just hear the claps very loud. It just looks like a gala fest Yeah, you just hear the claps very loud The squeaks of the shoes Would you I mean that's the big question. I there's two different kinds of guys There's guys that would have sex with Mick Jagger and there's guys and I'm not talking now. Yeah, I'm talking prime time mix

I'll I'll take him 2020 COVID restrictions and there's guys, and I'm not talking now. I'm talking prime time mix. Yes or no? I'll take him 2020 COVID restrictions. Yeah. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think I'd probably rather, I'm desperate more for love. So I would probably just wanna be his friend.

Here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking both those guys might have just been gay or the genuine sense of the word bisexual because I got to say I know those guys before they jumped from pussy boredom to gay sex, they did skip over on betting OB swimming, maybe just some fetishy women in general. You know what I mean? Oh, that would have been great. Like 70, 75 to 78 was Jagger's chubby chaser years.

Yeah, older women just like just go just they didn't try. They didn't try everything. They expelled everything in that scene. There was some on open doors and they had in the advent calendar for those guys. There was you know royalty. They never fucked royalty. Yeah. Like a nice old like an old princess that lives in fucking Scotland

Oh, they could have got some Denmark queen to bang out. Yeah, that was fun They didn't open every day. That's what I'm saying. It's like hey Mick You want to have sex with a fat girl tonight, and he was like yeah, I'd rather fuck you and they went I'd rather fuck you too I'll fuck you. Well, I'd rather fuck you and they went I'd rather fuck you to I'd rather fuck you would I'd rather fuck you well I'd rather fuck you. Oh Probably fuck right now Oh dancing in the street Before you know, we're wearing unnecessarily thin trench coats and dancing in the street Calling out to another boy. I want a kiss

it out to another boy I want to kiss. Yeah, I think in that CBGB movie or something, Iggy Pop did that with somebody. Maybe it was the guy who ran CBGB or something and he was like, do you want to suck your dick or something like that? He's like, what do you stop kidding around? He's like, I've already fucked every girl in here. So aren't you? Let me suck your dick. I don't follow the logic.

We know what whatever says that they just they just take off their giant belt that's not even through belt loops and just get down to it yeah it is weird that Bowie's next collaboration was was with Queen oh yeah was under pressure. I sure yeah He's like hey fuck it. Why not a guy with an open one huh? That's party. Yeah, but we collaborate with a lot of people But oh yeah, we fucking I mean they had him like Link to so many fucking people. I would have you like guessed it on your shit at all if everyone if your friend is at all If you had to answer a lot of questions like that. Did you fuck them fuck them like do you guys stay at Bowie's last night yeah we stayed all

weekend he goes I bet you did I bet you fucking did and it's like no not like that we just hung out but then it's then it gets real when he dies they call you they're like are you okay like do I told you I did a song with the guy in the end of the afternoon that's why Yaman has been with him forever you either got to stay single forever or be with the same one The Iman's got stories dude. She's walked in. She's walked in on all kinds of crazy smells. Yeah views I Promise you even before he died David Bowie he looked at her one last time and just says Please don't please don't let my children find out anything about what I did

uh... please don't please don't let my children find out anything about what i did that do you uh... great your sons are like grown now right there in college well my i have a son and a daughter my sons in college or i should say he's uh... i'm paying thirty grand a year by since the garage on a fucking laptop

that's all yeah he's learning nothing. My daughter's an online college. And just I don't even know what to say to a reprimand. She's 18, but like she's just openly admitting to like just yeah, we all kind of cheat, throw it, and do whatever. You can just kind of look everything up.

And it's right. And I think she even says the teachers are like, yeah, you're just gonna cheat. So like she just who cares? Just look at all of them. What is it with like, kids, and I know you and your daughter have a very probably more open relationship in terms of

what you tell each other than any father daughter I know, but like, it just seems like, what that's what I mean, like my son tells me everything. And it's like, dude, don't tell me, fucking your cheating. Don't tell me, like, I all the time. dude don't tell me fucking your cheating Don't tell me I don't want to know that shit

And I'm your father and then like let me go through life just blissfully Ignore it a little bit, you know, I definitely understand that no, we're not like my daughter did she did tell me when she smoked pot like Especially as of being 18 years old Yeah, she went but I I mean, she definitely did like, uh, she waited. I was in Austin, Texas with her for a couple of days. And I came home a few days before her. Second I left, she got tattoos. Like, yeah, uh, immediately.

And, uh, so you know, but she comes home, but it's the same thing where it's like, she got my, my instinct is to be like, what the fuck you do? Like, come on, like, don't get to, but you're just like thing where it's like she got my my instinct is to be like what the fuck you do? Come on like don't get to but you're just like you're just like Okay, just like you know make decisions with them. Don't just get things to the shitty I made those mistakes, you know, so I do try to talk to her Through that stuff for sure, but it is still like it's really hard when you've lived the kind of life that we've led and yours is dark In the mind that I wrote a book about you know do get a girl to go to the prom with me by promising an eight ball of blow and arrested a million times and you

know and so they read the book and from that point on from when they were 14 on it was like dad you thought you you woke up in a fucking preschool with a fucking bomb next year and you you've got to rest it. And so, you know, this is dopey, and so I have no recourse, and so I can't. That is a thing. My daughter is aware of my comedy. She's seen it at this point now,

and so it's like, you all right, it's also the thing, as I'm saying, so even with her saying that her and the other kids are figuring it out this way in school and whatever it is they're doing, I'm just like, she hasn't even pulled yet the full on like you didn't go to college and you're doing fine, you know. So the fact she's even in college still, I'm like great, great. Sure. Just get grades. Man, talk about when you were getting that book deal, you didn't think that thing was going

to haunt you with your children for the rest of your life. It was like publishing my diary, you know, when you're writing it, you're like, I'm going to write a real book. This is one of those comedian rights of fucking memoir and it's a bunch of short stories and stuff. It was like, I'm going to really like open up and tell the most embarrassing stories in my life. And so I did and then it came out and like one of the stories was about going into the brambles in Boston in the Fenway to to blow a guy to see if I would. Like just as a dare to myself, not that I was gay, but it was by David Bowie's face. And so I wondered

I was like, what was your glam time. Yeah, I put out a little eyeliner and I walked in and I didn't know how it would work. I just kind of like wandered in and it was dark and it was shadows and it was fucking scary and I was like I'm the suck of dick. And so then this guy pops out behind a tree and he walks up to me and I'm like I guess this is the guy and he unzips his fly and he pulls out his shaft and I look at it and he reaches and he pulls his balls up like button button is still button just so he got he got the dick and then the balls both through the zipper through the zipper one at a time We're three at a time and then I got a guy to have a nice. I you wouldn't do that

He wouldn't do that if you didn't have a nice hang it squeezes everything up too much. Yes traffic Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and so I just looked at it and I was like nope I'm feeling it no Explanation and I got scared and I pushed them and he fell down and then he got up and he Brandon to the woods with his dick flopping around and I just stumbled down the woods like well, guess I'm not gay. Yeah, I just got agon evidence. I pushed him in down and his nuts hit the ground. I just didn't suck a dick. That's how I know.

I walked right up to the edge and I turned around. How do I know I'm not gay? Because I just didn't suck a dick. Yeah, and I kept... How do I know I'm that gay? I'm a gay basher. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

Because I've got three bodies on my... Oh my God! And then Jay and I are character witnesses to that story? Or like, I served for the first time. I thought it was a bit of a stick. Okay, that's great though. You see it and you go, nope. Nope, not my thing at all. Yeah, didn't even have to fucking suck it to find out. Um, it was a concept before that. Yeah, it became a reality. Have you always been now it's

funny. I can see my having the same reaction or whatever thought where I'm like, now I can't put anything sexual on a guide all. Therefore, I am able to go quite further. It turns out that many people on the left of something gay. Oh, Jay, I would say it doesn't have an end to that. It's like it would make people laugh. And I didn't care. I wouldn't say, let me check the time and I would have Dan's dick wrapped around my wrist. You know, I mean, like if it was the people that are most most but like Dan, I might as well as like it said his hand on fire. Yeah, he wants no parts of

that. But I think it'll be funny. And at the end of the day, I'm like, yeah, what's the gayest thing you've ever done? Make it with Louis J. Gomez. I mean, hard. It was a hard, I was there. I was in the wings. Yeah, Joe listen, I were there were there bring up the clip but talk about a thing that I'm really like you watch the clip But but talk about something where you're like when it's done you are like yep. I'm not gay I really it's like I think being in the same by the way completely for If it was I guess it was like the right acting thing or the funniest thing It's not that I wouldn't do it again, but I did definitely did not enjoy what was happening like you could see it for sure. Yeah, it's no play acting to it I'm definitely like oh man like we were really doing this, but I'm doing it

It's not like and that's not like he's a decent looking guy sure Yeah, yeah, yes Absolutely and that really is the the thing the sad when you did that that night or rather didn't do that But when you went out to the brambles there It's so disheartening to see though that there is no equivalent to heterosexual sex of just being like I can really use somebody else to make me come right now where you can just dip into a certain part of a park or You could always pay for it. Sure place where there's just dip into a certain part of a park. Or you can always pay for it, but a place where there's just like a woman like sitting there like,

I wish someone would just come along and fuck me. Like wait in here. It doesn't exist. Yeah, straight people look. And I think honestly, that was probably my fixation with trying it was, I was so fucking horny in college. And I just felt like, wait a minute, there's an arrangement out there where people just fuck show the sticks like at will and that's what drew me into those woods

You know what? It's also it's also the same way that college students react to Socialism when they hear about it the first time. They're like that sounds fucking awesome. I would love everyone gets paid Well, you know, it's communism rules. Of all things to explore, even the walk to the edge like you did, to explore is the concept that you go, if you love it, great. It's available to you nightly every day of the week. It's insane. You'd like to just pop one out.

Yeah. It's there. That's why straight people, we learned the hard way when we tried to copy grinder We were like we've got, you know tender tender. I swear to God. Grindr was like dude. This is this is the pros It really is because tender I asked when I talked to audiences man and asked him I always ask when they met on dating apps if they fuck right away This is like the question I will ask next and it happens so much and tender More often than not they did not fuck on the first day and that's like exactly what that was put that was supposed to be like

Let's fuck tonight. Yeah grinder did that grinder showed up I was like blow me in the bathroom 20 feet away and they're like bitches came in and bitches came in and girled it all up You guys came in there with your meat dubbius and you just, your bios. You fucking. Now Tinder should be called fucking Kathiender because you got to meet for a coffee date before you fuck. There's always gotta be like that,

that hour long date that people tell me about where you just sit there. By the end of the day, by the end of the day, you both have the breath of a homeless person and you can't see shit. That was getting laid Get late after coffee day Yeah, you're just all jumpy and fucking ready to poop

A first date Never in a million years would I ever have a first date be During the daytime I've done coffee as the first I don't drink I don't drink anymore So I didn't know how to do it. And I was just like, do you want to rest your mind? I'm sure of it. A whole meal? A whole meal with this person sucks?

Coffee, you're like, and that's how the dates were gonna be. I was just fine, you're fucking weird. Is that it? No. At the end? No, I just got it weird. Hot coffee in your face. Ah, get out of here, wench.

The next one comes in now. You know, you're like, wow, this was so great. All right, we'll call. But I'm telling you. Wow, Dan, so did Dates and really ugly girls. It's like, well, they were in ugly before the hot coffee. Yeah, you know, he scalds them. But I did so well.

I can't say such an interesting thing because it is. If you are even, I guess, like what would be officially a bisexual dude, like one, you could satisfy one end of that. All it's, it's magnificent, but man, son of a bitch, I just don't want a fuck a guy. Nope. Ben in the room with another weiner and had zero, like, all right, let's get to that.

Dang, it's a little too freaked out if you know what I'm saying. I go, I will never do it. I will never do it. Go touch me. I would do it. My dad didn't do it to me. Why didn't you think? My dad didn't do it from 6 to 8 to me, missionary.

You know, it's like being trapped on a pull out couch bed. Oh, yeah, here we go. When your dad just gives the beans. No, I'm not in. Thoreau Greg, is there anything? It's like a quick fix for your mic. I was in that good. Yeah, not too bad.

Well, wait, wait, wait wait 20 minutes in, we make adjustments on the sound. Actually, that's us. We actually just saw that there's a message we didn't see it. So that would be the hosts being very unprofessional. Yeah, no, it's better. Jacob actually was doing the right thing. Is that any better? No. No. No. No. It sounds like you're on a speaker or you're being kicked up by two mics. Oh. You know what? Why don't we just take a quick break? That's that. Oh, wow. I would say. Woo. Great. Coming in. Nice. There we go. All right. Good. All right. I had a I had a blue to speak around in the office I didn't realize well someone was just getting your audio

Is this getting your voice? I just have a bad host though because Jacob just did the job that he had to do because he told us Yeah, and I was just like I'm not breaking the stride of this for anything. Yeah, we're having a fun conversation Enjoy Greg's tinny microphone because we're having a blast. Yeah We lost half your audience. They're all listening to fucking Netflix is not a joke right now. Go on. Wait a minute. How did this guy get a special? Oh, this clip also Greg, you'll get to see how not into gay stuff Dave Smith is. That's who I have my hand on his shoulder. to gay stuff Dave Smith is. That's who I have my hand on his shoulder. Maybe just maybe just me me maybe I should have my hand. Oh that's great. Does that mean you're the dad? I think we should have his too. Is Lewis the mom? Dave's clearly the child. Oh yeah this is who is the mom who's the dad? I find that a second. Dude I love that they're taking

video. Is it a picture or video? That's great. They're taking it like a picture. You morons were taking it like a picture. I hate that I'm Half of me is super jealous When Lewis backed you up on that though He came back like fucking county lock up in Maryland Dude I get Man you laughed about it at the time and then the next time you guys were like alone in an apartment together Can I tell you something it strangely wasn't I agree with that's how I shouldn't win But I don't know we just walked away from it and always just I'll tell you what our our podcast is so scrutinized

It's a real badge of honor for us That one that one gets us out of home of phobic a lot or for us. That one gets us out of home of phobic a lot. Did you guys make out like Japanese porn? That's what they make out in Japanese porn. Yeah, they were in another position into the camera. You got to turn out to the camera. Yes, they do. And they don't use the lip-prop tongue.

Lewis is just waiting and then he just turns. Oh, man, Lewis. That first whack is really great. You press your tongue flat, but Lewis that first whack is really you press your tongue flat But Lewis comes in sharp. No, I think we best we've said we actually lock tongues there. Yeah, it's bad damn Oh, yuck Poor Dave Smith. He's never watched that Dave's never watched that gay off of him of him. Yeah.

That Davis face really is classically great. Oh my god. Yeah, well, there you go. See, that that was basically you going out looking for a blowjob. No, that is. If you write a memoir, that's that's chapter one right there. This is where it all started,. This is what I knew. Greg, being a father yourself, I was, also you said your kid, my daughter's 18, your kids are how old, 18 and. My daughter's 18 next this week, this week. This week.

How old your son? He's 20. So yeah, your years removed like me from like children's books, but I walked by some books in a window of a thing I showed you yesterday, Dan. Yeah, and showed me the way the window is right outside. And it was about dealing with showing down syndrome kids, the other kids, so they're used to that

and comfortable in schools. But then I started looking into how many subjects, we have a list here of other subjects now that I don't think even my daughter was a kid these books were like the weirdest one was everyone poops as far as like subject matter like that was kind of weird but nothing else they have I remember there was one my two dads yeah yeah yeah yeah one when my kids were little I know I can you believe they're putting this out well they have gone far beyond that

One there's someone's like dads. It's like dads roommate Jeff or something. Yeah Funny how your dad's mom mom's mean friend Barb So mom's friend from softball bar mom's friend tiff says i need to shut up and i don't like her um christie do you have the list of some of these books but i like to go in mom's driveway yeah but i like but i like but i like going to new york liberty games so it's okay okay we looked at these one just today uh divorce and separation to slucky and like this is yeah the divorce ones that's that's done that's like yeah, it's kind of a hack Promise at this point grief and legacy

Legacy story about the power of memory as a means of healing as a class learns to remember a beloved teacher also the teacher dies That's pretty hardcore. That's pretty Tarantino for a kid's book. It is. I was about to put them through I think they probably they probably wouldn't really have to deal with that they would just say they were changing teachers it's this is this is actually the sequel the original book was about the school shooting that the yes called bullets from johnny description of the

six-level taken which is a sequel. It's a Johnny has two dads. Yeah. Yeah. And then actually, now that was the one before there's one in between where they find out Christopher finds out Johnny has two dads. And then he's bullied into Johnny's bullets from Johnny. The next. This is pretty dark.

Pretty much dementia. Really and truly a story about dementia and inspiring tender poor trail of a child dealing with his grandfather's dementia with beautiful. The most rage is going to be what his dad is going to show his grandfather looking at him and just seeing a fucking like a giant juicy steak or something. My friend Brian when we were growing up his grandfather lived alone in the Ed dementia so we used to have to and this is back in the days when when

people had dementia, we still let him live alone. Crazy. Crazy. You remember that shit? That's, I had two different friends who had parents with the grandparents of dementia that fucking lived alone in the house. And we used to go over Brian's grandfather's house and he would give Brian like five dollars every and he would give Brian

like five dollars every time he would come over and take out the garbage. We used to go every fuck, we were supposed to go once a week. We used to go every fucking day. That's so fucking true. That's so fucked up by hilarious to be like, yeah, no, I just took it out again. Also, if you need something that's $10, you can just wait for the door to shut, and then you ring it again and you got it. I just took out that guy.

Well, we should just do, by the way, for four of those days, you're not going to have to take out the garbage. So you can just really just ring the doorbell when he opens it goes, all right, just took out the garbage. It goes, oh, okay. Also, I shoveled your driveway.

It's snowing out. Oh, another five. Oh, it's winter again Also, I stained your deck You talked to me the whole time the old salty son of a bitch He told me about Eleanor Yeah, man, but I just got back we just got back I drove you to a funeral plot Remember like yeah, oh yes five more dollars here. Yeah, that's so fucking funny Yeah, so I don't really know if really and truly should be the name of the title more like screaming naked man

yells who are you? Yeah, tries to attack you because he thinks you're an enemy Grant bites from grandpa. It's just a different in the series. Yeah. Ah, what's illness? Like being ill with it or? By the way, I don't like this title at all. You know what I'm saying? What's up with James?

Medicids explain depression. What's up with James? What's up with James? James is a real, but it's called wet blanket. The James story. Yeah. Why is James being such a pill? Why do James keep breaking up with me every Monday? Super hero stories set inside the human body. Medicids comic book tales explain medical conditions are an exciting but factual way as well as depression conditions covered include Asma epilepsy altism and lots more that's balls. Yeah, Ronnie inside the body superheroes. Yeah, well Ronnie spaz is the fucking

Spaz Maz Spasmaz, Spasmaticator. Yeah, a superhero with asthma. What's his, what's his hour? It's making it. He can never sneak up on anybody. No, he saves the other superheroes lives by making them wait to go to the place there are so we can find his inhaler and breathe. No, he's super. So he's so epileptic that he actually vibrates so fast he disappears from humans can't see him at his own invisibility he's vibrating too fast the human

I can't pick it up someone forgot to put his wallet in his mouth oh yeah fucking chopped up my chop my tongue up like a baby carrot um what's the next one okay bereave I mean, I feel like they've had those books about what about death. It's called the Coda aware. A simple story that uses the analogy of having to wear a very big, heavy and uncomfortable coat to symbolize the weight of grief. Watch me shit on it, and then you guys find out I ordered off Amazon for me. Well, you start wearing really heavy, uh, I go, it's got, you guys come to my apartment.

You're like, do you have the Coda wear from when we were on the bonfire? Oh, yeah, yeah, I just like you know, I was like just for shits and giggles. Oh, I'll pick it up and just Check it out. I'm a male Maxwell guy I know I do all yeah, I check it all male male stuff see you should have done this Greg You should have put out a child's book called like out in the woods Yeah, woodsman And then the confused woodsman saw another man That other man pulled his penis and balls out of the zipper and then the kids can pull it

You know dude, that's so funny that like And then the woodsman said no, I don't want to suck them all I like pick I like The perspective switch on the story somewhere that guy tells a story goes. I don't know Handsome guys walking through the brambles got a baby face. I pull my hog out. He has a dirty thing So I go I must be a nut sucker, so then I go ahead and pull those bad boys out. So the bitch pushes me It's me gets right under my pants. I'm like, oh Clearly a gay guy in the woods and I ran Ten years late ten years later. I'm watching Letterman

I got me I got me that's sort of a bitch was right there The guy they wouldn't take my car I screamed outside of the lab with the studio Brabels the Bambles those are shops the show you're like yeah, he's yelling at during your set Brambles goes okay, sir. Thank you. Thank you, sir Bravery and the right to freedom is the next subject the right to free. That's a heavy subject for kids too Malala a brave girl from Pakistan, Eekball, a brave boy from Pakistan.

I mean, is this for American kids? Do you gotta give me easier names? You're throwing a lot at them on the title of. Well, you gotta understand, they're learning the names so they can get the lesson of, it's the ultimate book of, you're lucky. Be grateful for what you have.

That's what those books are. Fuck that, dude. In America, we put use after our cues, Eekball, we're gonna call you Equal Ball. That's what your name is here. I hope the book explains that. I hope Jeanette Winter got her head out of her snatch long enough to fucking realize that no kids gonna spay those dumb names.

Greg. Not in my America. Greg, did you ever see anything that no kids can spay those dumb names. Great. Not in my America. Greg, did you ever see anything that your kids, like at what age were your kids consuming something that you're like, ah, I don't know if that's a good idea if you watch that or like listen to that? Were you ever one of those parents? Oh, yeah, my, I started to really worry about my daughter

when she was like, she was like 11. And the thing is once they have phones like there's no fucking office whips like they're gonna watch whatever the fuck they want. And there's that one show about about like sex crimes. S for you? Yeah, S for you. She starts watching S for you. I'm like, what I go, why do you enjoy this? And she's just like, I don't know. I just like, it's the only thing that really like interests me. And I'm like, oh, my god. Do you know what's funny? My daughter, my daughter, also always S.V.U.

And with me, we've always watched that together. It was one of our bonding things when she was young. And we used to do, when she was, I'm not lying, to you, 12. We had a two-part harmony. If we knew how to do, boom, bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum I was like, this father, I don't know, I was there. I mean, they say that shit doesn't matter, I don't know. Probably not. They say like video games and that kind of TV doesn't have an effect on kids. I'll go all the studies they've done, but my daughter, she's a killer now.

She- A sex crimes murderer. She just cuts, she mutilates genitalia and just drops bodies. But by the way, I just picked your book about, what is this courageous children bravery in human rights arts? To picture book is bravery. The next subject is hilarious because it's title of the book. It's about immigration. It's called the arrival. It sounds like aliens are showing up to treat it the same way

yeah, you'll be curious to communicate but they will speak a crazy cryptic language you could never understand do not touch them for you do not know what diseases they carry on their skin a silent graphic novel which tells the story of every migrant every refugee and every displaced person with amazing amazingly intricate haunting illustrations. Why are you trying to fuck it up? Why just show him Shinler's List? Make him fucking feel something. I mean that's great really. Look at this sad look. Look at this dog barking at this immigrant. Right on the cover they lay into it. That is Sean Tan, figures. At first of all, what fucking decade? What decade is that immigrant coming here?

Yeah, that's 30. Like a Foxy suitcase. Yeah. Who carries a suitcase like that anymore? Yeah. It came over on a steamer. Yeah. With big gloves.

He's probably like one of the weird whites that they didn't accept in the fucking 50s, where they're like, you're Slovenian, get out of here. But he cried. He cried when he first saw the Statue of Liberty he cried. She's so beautiful. He's three. And now his grand now. Now I can open my starter jacket store in Buffalo.

And now his grand daughter is a TikTok star for showing her ass cheeks. Just like, just like great papa on a second generation is always do better. I'm talking third when they get nasty. Living with distance from loved ones. That title is great. My daddy's going away. Is that prison? Is that what it is?

I thought I was just leaving. I have to go away for work. So maybe that was something, did you- Or other reasons. Or other- or other reasons. I'm not going to put an invitation. That is going away. He's going to be spending time with Uncle Mark for a little bit. Yeah. So, you know-

He's got a new- he's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new- He's got a new friend that he has to stay with. He's going away. He met a man in the brambles. I'm elderly care. Oh, so it's there. He goes, man, it's a good way to work. So, his daddy's going away. It helps. It's in support of charity combat stress.

So, like, it's for you guys to get one for like soldiers. Yeah. I'm going back to war. More comments. Daddy's going away. Babies. Can you keep your mouth shut if mommy's friends stays over a couple of weeks? Yeah. And then, you know, I'm going back to war or comment daddy's going away

Babies can you keep your mouth shut if mommy's friends stays over a couple weeks a week? Your new uncles will you guys just buy into that and understand that mommy gets lonely while daddy's out there He might not even come home. You know just so you know your dad might never come home So you might die out there, so please don't make a thing if Mark comes over. Don't make it weird Yeah, and and when daddy comes comes hope he might be a little different Don't drop any books around Good really fuck up is Ed Greg. Thank you so much. We don't want on the show Yeah, one of the illustrators a knife to his neck hold on we what yeah, oh, yeah, I mean this we have a heart out Ever since we moved the faction talk they give us like a minute to get out.

So make sure you check out Fitstock Radio and Sunday Papers podcast. You can see them live at bananas in New Jersey, August, sixth and seventh, and then Buffalo Rose and Golden Colorado, August 26th through the 28th. Sacramento Punchline as well, September 16th through the 18th. Go to GregFittSimmons.com.

Dude, thanks so much for coming on the show. One of our folks. Thank you guys. I'll see you on the New York much for coming on the show. One of our favorite guys. I'll see you in New York in August while hang out. Hell yeah, that'll be awesome. That's nice to, buddy. BigJcomedy.com. Make sure you get tickets for the Philly Comedy All-Star celebration.

That is in July, July 29th at 7 p.m. Also featuring Eleanor Carrigan, Annie Letterman, Aunt Mary Pat Ture, but go get tickets for Skyline Comedy Club. Appleton, Wisconsin, July 8th through the 10th, and Spokane Comedy Club, July 15th through the 17th, bigjaycomedy.com. Dan Soder, Addison, Improv and Texas,

July 15th through the 17th, Hilarities and Cleveland, the 22nd to the 24th, and after that Sacramento Madison, Wisconsin, Maryland for tickets and all tour dates, dancota.com. We love you guys. We will catch you. We enjoy the rest of the shows this week.

Happy Fourth of July. Happy Fourth of July. We will be back on the 12th live Monday with you. Enjoy some best ofs and stuff. This week Jacob, right? You got some little form, yeah? Yeah, we got some good ones picked out. Yeah, fuck yeah.

Drink water, stay healthy. We love you. Happy Fourth of July High five bill cause BBC Give him a pound You've been listening to Sirius XM's bonfire New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on SiriusXM.