The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - It's Called Satire (feat. Quan Millz & Andy Fiori)

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

Andy Fiori joins The Bonfire as prolific Urban Fiction author Quan Millz calls in to talk about his works.Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM @DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayOakerson.com@AndyFiori www.AndyFiori.com@QuanMillzPresents

And now the bonfire with Big J. Okreson and Dan Soder. Never heard the second verse. I may have seen it any, but it's been a while since then. Any rules? Rooster? Burned at Peters? What a cast. I brought all the young Jewish out of me right there.

Burned at Peters was a vision. What? You really love musicals. Yeah, you're a big musical guy. I know. I like the few musicals that I know. I have no interest in any other one. I thought I've never, I couldn't believe how bored I was at Lamezorob with what a big

production that was when I was a kid. I'm like this, socks. Lewis loves it, right? I love it. Those are the one of the two I that that I love Limous Rob never seen it. I hate every other musical fan of the opera rips fan of the opera rules I saw fan of the opera that rules fan of the opera rules line rules

Rantos and rules Chicago rules right doesn't rule what's that story rent rules so hard book a woman rules Still never seen it. I haven't seen it either. I bet it but I'm a trade park Matt stone From it is it's corny. I don't what book a Mormon. Yeah, it's fun. No, it's there's it's not There's like a little corny this dude just in nature of it being a musical sure But I'm saying like they have I didn't love the movie for that reason the musical stuff. It was like too much I think so I don't know if I can use it Go for comedy even like even like a team America. I don't know if musical comedy is my thing like she said I like west side story hmm where the songs are

Like the sad songs particularly too are pretty great. I got dragged to wicked Is this there's a place bring a girlfriend? Oh I'm gonna see wicked so good. Is this there's a place bring a girlfriend? Oh? Are you like singing? Garage light of you like singing catacombs at song I do do you want to practice Westside story and perform it at the house in our spare time? No, I can't keep up with just time to say I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I'll keep up with my singing and dancing. I totally keep up with you I was in musical theater most of my life. I would love so fucking most of your life now Christian. Yeah, old you are If you if I came over and J head run a stain alive headband

White white like linen pants they're just sweat through Hey, what's up? Sorry this bitch can't keep through. Yeah, I'd be like, hey, what's up? Sorry, this bitch can't keep up. Yeah, I gotta go over and turn off a boom box, though. You go, what? Hey, Dan. Five, six, seven, eight. I like to live in the, he was fucking missing the steps.

I wanna miss the steps. Yeah, you're terrible already at it. My miserable, almost do ward for ward. Wow. But every other musical I've done to test. I never saw it. Christine, let's do a place for us right Wow, every other musical that wants to be thought. I never saw it. Christine, let's do a place for us right now. Prove you can do it.

Yeah, I can't prove you can do it, because I haven't sang it in a long time. You just said to me. You're a vi. Yeah, but he was ready to go. He was ready to throw it down right here. Nice for him. You have a voice like broken glass going in my ear canals.

Gives a little taste, sweet honey, Jay. No. There's a place for us somewhere in place for us. Who's that guy screaming behind? Please, just bury your duet partner. Hey, look Wolfman Jack. Harmonize with me. Oh my look wolf man jack harmonize with me Just singing dance with me at home. Congratulations Okay I just think it'd be a fun past time. I just know the Chelsea was huh? I think it'd be a fun past time for us to do together

We're her musicals. I'm not gonna rehearse musicals with you. There's a thousand things I would think I do I'm just time I'm gonna get mad at you. You're not gonna get to keep up with the steps It's man. You're not gonna memorize your parts. It's gonna be a pleasure. You know that Jay's got Broadway It's not a Broadway director at her. Yeah, you want to do it now until I'm weighing you every morning Like all movies or the after school specials about girls that like bulimia come to work Okay, yeah to work okay yeah come to work get on the scale are we doing this are we not doing are you gonna sing today are you gonna keep screaming shit out of your man

just the Bob Fossy yeah apartment fuck did you go over you go over there's no more TV in the living room it's hard hardwood floor in the bar. Yeah, we have a dance studio in our building. Okay. You go rehearse down there. Yeah, I'll meet you down there Go get warmed up on the bar. Man any great if Christine couldn't find you one day that you're smoking you would just Why myself I could fucking I don't know the stretch of my office. You know by myself I could fucking. Huh, huh, one, two, five, six, seven, eight. One, and then, and then, and then, and then, I was there, she takes.

I'll sing chorus line with you. I don't want to sing with you, Christine. Stop stealing my voice. This is her anal. This is like her, the way Jay, like a guy gets a girl in the anal This is like a girlfriend being like dance with me. I do anal you dance with me. You don't do anal enough for you to dance with you Dude, I would love to be dancing while you're fucking ice pack in your asshole. I would love to I would love to see you guys Pull off a successful West Side Story tune at Skankfest

Just you already saw her massacre. Am I perfect there as a player? Some of my players are right. This is not Massacrion. I don't know if did you see Mark Face. Andy's fate. He was going like this. I heard you as well as the choreography involved.

I really didn't call that a way. I was being my girlfriend with dance with me. Probably. That stands the reason. Well, Jay was gay. I think you would have a man dancing with me. Probably. That stands the reason. Well, Jay was gay. I think you would have a man that would sing with a couple of long talented dikes just barking in their apartment. You know, that's not going to be weird at all. That would make the most sense if you, if Jay was on a gay relationship living

in the apartment above Christina and her partner. I mean, if I was gay, I would totally dance with my partner. Oh my god, him and Stewart just ripping up. I would be I wouldn't be with anybody who wouldn't sing musicals and dance to me if I was gay. Jay and that old queen just love this singing dance. I bet I can get I can go do and do it with me. And I want to. I want to go to DJ Lewis House and just do grease with him and will. I'll do grease with you too. Christine you are not in my troop. I'm sorry. You didn't make the cut. It's you guys doing grease lightning with a stone safe point mark.

Why is grease lightning? It's just real. It's just real. It's just real. It's just real. It's just real. Christine, you know the role of Rizzo? Yeah.

I'm going to make that Jacob. You're an asshole. You know that's my role you can't even sing on reverb sing on reverb I'm saying sad things I can do Christine there's a bar in the West Village called Marie's crisis have you ever heard of it no it's it's a great apartment up in the West Village called Christine's crisis it's a bar that they just there's a pianist every night and they just sing musicals by request. Oh, you tell her penis is there. She's gonna be there.

Oh, I'm telling you it's just she's my gay. You would love it. This is it's all she thinks she's a penis, dude. There's penis there. She's like, I'm already there. I'm there. Mark me in. It's so it's just a bar where a bunch of people just do bar. There's a guy who comes in place piano and then somebody just goes how about Theme from wicked and then they all know it everybody in the bar knows it and then I'm just singing No, my friend Josh Wade From comedy years and years ago Josh Went to I he told me the story is not he was with a girl on a date and they went to one of those

After a broadway I've done it karaoke's yeah, and they went just being their silent is one of the when you're just quiet is holding a drink to your chest Yeah, we're the most awkward. It's a bright date. He brought a date. That's what I'm saying. I was with there with a girl So he wanted to like like you don't press this. He's like I'll go up there. He had a V8 or she had a V8 or something He was like give me the a V8 or something to go up there. He had Aviator or she had Aviators or something and he was like give me the Aviators I'm gonna go up there and sing a one of dead or alive Bon Jovi And he put the Aviators on he goes when he put the aviators when he realized he really couldn't see well Like it was pretty dark and When he said I seen a million faces and I rocked them all he did a power kick and

Kick something on the board and shut the entire like this gazillion dollar sound system like off And just a bunch of Broadway queens furious It really chased him out of the bar. Yeah, they were so excited to get their songs on that just he's like no He fuck he frits the whole system out you fritz dad Fritz yeah, you fritz dad why your home so early Paul son of a bitch fritzed it out of the thing That I always make you think of when I went on a date with that girl in Brooklyn years ago And I it was like a daytime lunch date and I dropped off her house and I was leaving and I I like Stepped and like kind of moved and kicked this fence that was around a tree on the outside sidewalk And I was like oh shit and I like bumped into it and this just came on a stoop just because my fans

into it and this just came out and it's just goes my fans I guess my fans I go I'm sorry. I try to fix it. Don't try to fix it. It was just so Immunity and balance oh my god that was for Rafael who I lost to the a Yeah, no no no no oh man. I can't wait to do grease with Lewin will Oh So mean huh so mean Christine get your own troop. I asked you to be a part of my troop part of your troop. This is insanity We're gonna be I'm you I'm gonna be allowing me to be part of the J players. That's insane. J players is perfect. J players with the Lewin will. J rights. J's are size. Totally. Dude, you guys coming over doing the whole grease. Me and Will got to do me will and Lou all got to like pick

We have to play multiple parts Who's gonna be scar face what's the name? What's the name is it can it no bad guy? Oh, yeah, great a face. Yeah, who's the one? He's got the Edward James almost face who you talking to create a face? Get in cast because you actually have a creator face. Pretty cool. Yeah, they had to make the thing they called creator face. He did have fucking Edward Dames James almost.

What about these kids? Yeah, I think I was a 40 year old scar faced guy and he was a prom. Can I do a bit? What are you doing about these kids, man? Christine, you could play the soupi sales part. Oh, Jesus. Do you want to be soupi sales? No, I want to be Rizzo.

I bet soupi sales. You can throw a pie in your face. You're the gym coach. It's going to be funny just to go over to and see you guys singing something like when it naturally happens. No, what you're going to see is two people in opposite room. You're going to stand in the living room,

wondering why me and Christina both belt in that our own tunes in other rooms. But I walked to one and I look at you singing out the window and I was singing and she's singing out the other window. You guys know you're in the same apartment, right? We're still do-edding, we don't even know it. Okay, yeah.

Oh, you can see the sun will come out. You can see tomorrow. Bang, out tomorrow Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I would love it. Me and the whiskey bros. I would love it versus Christine and the TV at TBA. I'm never gonna get you think I couldn't get Dave Smith out the practice basketball. I'm not getting the whiskey boys out for fucking dance practice. No way in hell. I tell you what you do a string of cigarettes out that door right here. Yeah, if you leave a ET trail, Barbara lights. Hey, how do you like get these leg warmers on?

I got a hold. I got a hold these cigarettes on. Wait, why am I doing these leg warmers on I got hold I got all these cigarettes on wait Why am I doing a whole go war ups? My dress like Fnola Hughes me me me me me me me me me me me One Winston do Winston three Winston So we have an interview coming up at 6.30 with corn mills who author author. I mean, I would say prolific author wordsmith extremely prolific. I found out some of these books are like 300 pages.

I don't have any total books to see have published. It's probably something we can ask him. Seventy seven. This guy is got to be doing well. Well, you know, this bitch got roaches in her apartment is the one we have episode three Yeah, and then a follow-up series this bitch got roaches in her apartment and now she got rats Yeah, gotta think bed bugs is not far behind my psycho baby daddy. Where did it start? Where is it going these gotta be turned into movies?

Is saye salam his other pen name? No, these are- Is Nondiploom? I wonder if that's his rival. I wonder if Said Salam's like his- It's like- It's like when I'm Muslim and like an Oz. But I wonder if it's like a-

Oh, I'm watching an Oz. Grisham and uh, fucking, who's the other guy? Oh, Clancy. Yeah, Clancy and Grisham. This Oetschillin' is so- It's Salam and- The titles are everything. Yeah, do you cornmills and Miss BAM are in

Who's get guest writers old talk new pussy my baby mama's a loser She's only 15 part two Yeah, what she's still 15 damn dude still 15 No, I'm 15 in a half 15 still the coldest thug ever she don't fuck 15 The coldest thug ever she don't fuck 15 the coldest thug ever yet ho is life would you like to hear a little bit of honey mustard is eat pussy to it's pussy but yeah pastors eat pussy to T.O.O. like teen wolf to share and uh no Jason Bateman no Jason Bateman is one

though no but this is it's read read by Sapphire nah I believe so I think that was that was precious it's read read by Sapphire? Nah, I believe so. I think that was that was precious. It's read by a girl named Sapphire who reads this with all I can say, if she puts umph into the read, for sure. Maybe pastors eat pussy too written by Kwan Mills, narrated by karma. Karma, my bad karma. Prologue. Yes.

Slime on that cat, Pasta. That's true. You got shit, old nigga. You like how that cat tastes? Hell yeah, girl. I love she has the voice in. I'll be my bottom lip heart. What it tastes like I asked by the my lip harder.

Tell me, I'm on. I held tightly to the sides of past his head with my hands as he relentlessly devoured the fuck out of my guts. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible. Possible never been in guts, but I've heard. Yeah, you have, do you guys? That shit, old nigga. You like how that cat tastes? All right. Yeah, yeah, go.

I bit my bottom lip hard. What it tastes like I asked by the my lip harder. Tell me, I'm on. I held tightly to the side of past his head with my hands as he relentlessly devoured the fuck out of my guts. Shit tastes like candy, yams, go. And not that nasty ass shit in the can. I'm sorry.

Also specifying what kind of food your girlfriend or the pussy tastes like. But I heard this little part. I heard this little part. He gets far more descriptive with these yams and that the yams is a big sticking point for him. Right. Not those can ones.

Get those canned yams, pussy outta here. Pussy. Marshmello. Cinnamon. Brown sugar. He paused for a moment and ran his big bell pepper nose from my clits and my ass, taking a long whiff.

His big bell pepper nose. My pussy juices. What's a bell pepper noose? Also, are you, is he trying to breathe in the pussy juice? No, I think he's doing it in a little one of those. Like a puppy nose nudge. Yeah, like nudging something

bell pepper nose. I don't argue that my nose is very involved in my pussy. Absolutely. You said it's part of the band? I do, yeah, for sure. Part of the band. Yeah, especially where I'm trying to poke hole with tongue just to get a little Things go on there. I give a little nose might be doing some clips. Don't for sure. Eskimo kiss to the pussy. Yeah, I do this face

I make Bill Cosby dancing face. I like how she does everything She never stop karma fucking rules. She, how do you say this? No. Who's this word? Who that? No, I'm asking. Not in the book. Who that? Elpepper knows from my clits to my ass,

taking a long with bitch. My pussy juices overflow, just thinking of how this old nigga was so fucking ass. Hey, past the Wilson Mone, then then said, mm, and butter Just like how my grandma might use to make it back in head is bird. I don't think that that's a weird description for when you're eating Pussy and you're like this reminds me of a dish my grandmother made back in Lake Port, California The casserole

Damn, you're asshole reminds me of my grandma's green bean casserole What is this girl's ass hormone you of a combination of two cream of soups And tuna maybe some dry onions. I don't know. Maybe American cheese melted on top Oh, dude 20 20 bucks says this casserole is coming in with craft slices mouth on top of it. Of course it is. How else would you do it? Jacob you're having some. If you want to stick to the original recipe. Sorry, yeah, dude. God, he's really a big heavy bowl of it. No, you can pour milk over it, it'll be good. There's a few loofers. I forgot to dig the plastic off.

You know, there might be a staple in some of these things. Because you try to staple the bag shut after work. But, girl, you know, I just love the way you look. Coaches male. He has the chocolate in his thick and deep Mississippi accent. Without hesitation, he went back to sloping and sucking on my little pus. He slowly caress my inner thighs with the ends of his finger. Hold on, please.

Can that be a drop to suck in and suck the same bottle. You were back on the sucking on my little pus. Go back to it. He slowly caressed my inner thighs with the ends of his fingertips. It was crazy, too, because I was still so motherfucking belong by the fact that this old nigga had polished fingernails. Something I had noticed about him when I first met him. If he wasn't a pastor, I had to listen.

This nigga was a fucking pimp. She, me Ling did an excellent job buffering them nails though. That's racist. Might need that little Asian host phone number so I could book me an appointment. That's the so-called band of guys. Me Ling missed that we got her name. Damn dude, she took a break from getting her box hate just to take it out on the Asians. Hold on, let me process some Asian hate real quick.

I like stupid Asian bitch. Mm. He slowly caress my inner thighs with the ends of his fingertips. It was crazy. It's heaven. My hands gripped the bad sheets as past the Wilson's clip sucking scene to intensify. It didn't intensify. I just knew Maria or Jose was going to be mad. It's fucking the morning when they coming here and have to change

this motherfucker. She's bitch. Come on. My thick ass legs were wide open like a football field. And now I had this old crusty ass nigga playing in it like he was a quarterback. Except past the Wilson wasn't running the ball. Oh, fuck nigga was running his tongue in and the Wilson wasn't running the ball. Oh fuck nigga was running his tongue in and out of my pussy

and my ass. That nigga was fooling it in my ass. If you got sex like this, it would make me laugh so hard. Oh my god. It's just like running around. You're my pussy overflow with that goodish-gush. Do you the thought of her just doing the other voice? Or she's like, my pussy felt so good

Well, this pussy doesn't gonna eat itself No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Both be able to do that and black will also be working on voiceover stuff. But yeah, I would love if he was able to like if you wrote a white tale for us. No, no, no, I want to do pink on pink. Yeah, I'm gonna tell you right now. You're not gonna make it out of a chap. There's gonna be words, you know, if you do it. Oh, yeah How about if I do it my character though that I'll be in no no, I wasn't saying it I'm just talking about this this chick who's getting a pussy suck. Oh, you mean your audio book voice, Sagittarius? Yeah. Oh, this is read by Sagittarius. Sag, oh, Sag is back to the Marines.

Sagittarius, that's pretty cool. It's just, if you just listen, it's clearly Jay's voice. Oh, Sag is out there doing reads again. Damn, dude, Sagittarius. Read by. That's pretty great. Yeah, and I'll wait for when Quant Mills goes, quote unquote, mainstream and white trash love story and I'll wait for when quant when quant mills goes quote unquote mainstream and white

So white trash love story. I'll do the book for that. Oh, we're gonna find the other genre called this movie strip tease or whatever. What's the yeah? What's the one with showgirls? Showgirls that was like taking from one of his books so funny. He's like that was my book called yeah crusty crusty bitches under bright lights. It means this sluts got herpes. Yeah. She pussy and vagus. They got bedbugs at the Claremont lounge. Yeah.

Carpet, carpet burns on this sluddy bitches butt cheeks. Yeah. Corn those new book. You can still smoke inside the smokein' hotel. Do we gotta do that? We gotta try to run titles by Corn those. See if we can approve some of our titles You can still smoke and send this motherfucker

Corn we need to go through the bonfire. Remember it needs to have a book title that we need to get approved by corn mills For his publishing for sure Mine mine's called that pussy's too good to be in a single wide. Yeah, I'm gonna do one I go who does bitch think she is Oh right that my cousin. I'm gonna do one called this slide through up on my dick These are gonna see if we can go down to the subject. Yeah, I'm gonna mind my called bitches pussy already been done blown open. Yeah A lot of that's imprensies though Can we get one more Sends out of her. Please. Shit, truth be told, this nigga was like,

OJ, and yes, OJ, because this old Morgan Freeman looking at small fucker was murdering my clip. Even with all types of script, she's late in his tongue. Dude, I would love a nice murder reference after sex. It just to be told, like, damn, what are you Timothy McVeigh? You just blew up half my bill, baby. I can listen to karma, probably read anything.

Yeah, stove time versus two. I think this is a direction. I'm not going to read the whole don't say gay bill, but if she reads it to me, I will translate it for you. Can't talk about sexuality of your children. Let's get some more before I go to break. Dr. Zez and a pussy eating hallofang. Shit, truth be told, this nigga was like,

OJ, and yes, OJ, because this old Morgan Freeman looking at Smothucka was murdering my clip. Even with all types of scripture laced in his tongue, how I was shooketh right now. You hear me? Shucketh, you're never been in the town. A pussy juiceethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethethetheth 70 all of my days I ain't never had a nigga have such perfect head game This shit was amazing

Here I was 23 years old Get my pussy suck by Sherman Helms Let the hands of the cook praying worms having granddaddy wouldn't dare know how to handle some young tender pussy See I think the good message behind this is respect your elders pussy. See, I think the good message behind this is respect your elders. They should have played the beginning to the show amen before the show. And from the jumps to the double Dutch show now, Mzli. Should we take our break now? Cause he's gonna call it 30.

How long is this break? It's the long one. So there's our seven minute one. Cause then we can come back and then when he calls in, you know, let's do it. Staggar break. We'll be right back. Andy Fury hanging out on the show. Andy Fury dot com for tickets. Big Jake dot com. Big Jake comedy dot com for tickets this weekend. And it's going to be in New Jersey at Go bananas. Go get tickets. Yes indeed.

Just so we're doing. It's going to be there with me. Dan Soder. Paramount theater everybody next week. It's next Thursday in Austin, Texas. Individual tickets available, you don't have to have a festival badge for that, you notice part of Moon Tower. So come fill that bitch up even if you're not coming to the festival. And you check us out the next day at the festival. That's the 22nd, Friday, 7pm Antones. We'll be right back everyone

Damn it is Brittany is your dad was fucking right Yeah, pretty's dad was right after all this time. I mean I still agree free Brittany. Let this girl be a lunatic Yeah, here's her money, but she earned it. Yeah, absolutely Absolutely give her her money. You want to go paint your eyes black and go fuck some swavas looking yeah, dude her fucking boyfriend Roman Reigns light Welcome to the bonfire series Exxon at least up in linen serious xm facts stock one of three. I I'm dance so that's big joke or so that guy doesn't wear anything but limit that guys Where you sing R&B on the beach and even time? Yeah, oh

Yeah, dude in linen pants On dude, he is full on full-time cabana boy in Britney Spears. Yeah, we got a baby now. He's got a baby with her Yeah, good for her exactly. That's what she should have. She doesn't need a rich guy Yeah, she needs to do that. Has zero body body. Turns out what she needs. Turns out what she need was a father to keep her in line before she went fucking bananas, but too late. Um, yeah, fuck them. And she's pregnant now. That's the news, right? She's pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. For her. Yeah., well we got a guest that we've So excited big this big spears can suck a dick Is that a title that is a title pretty pretty sick a dick. I'm copywriting that you can't use it Where do we find these books was it you black blue came across these?

I know I think I saw it on Instagram and I'm not sure if I just came across it or if the camper sent it to me honestly. Might be a camper that sent it in. Might be a fan that sent it in. But we dug deep on these titles and I mean one of the most prolific writers is popped up into our lives here and we are thrilled to have them on the show. We've talked about them several days now where his work rather and listen to a bit of the audio book for one of his hits the pastor uh... pastors eat pussy too

it is living leh it's a whole living legend literary legend literary legend everybody corn mills jo joins us on the show right now. Juan, you there? Thank you. Yeah, I'm here. I can hear you well perfectly. Oh, hell yeah, man. Thank you. It's a good to have you on the show.

This, I said this, this is a new finding in our lives. And I'll tell you that we have, you can go by the way, you can go to Amazon.com. And you can find Juan's page with all of his books right there for sale. So go to Amazon.com and check out all of Quand Mills' books. I mean, we've got several on the way. And that's Mills, though, with the Z at the end.

Yeah, you're right. M-I-L-L-Z, you should let them know. Put the nerds out there listening. Go get it. Quand, welcome to the show, number one. And I have to say, how long have you been writing these books for? I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you.

I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I'm going to go back to you. I really began to dabble in writing fiction, but I

began writing full time How many 2017 2017 five years ago? How many books do you have out available right now? That's a very very tricky question only because I write in a series. So like, if I publish one book, it'll usually have like two to three parts. Yeah, we've done it together. I've written maybe like 80 books. Damn, five years, 80 books. Suck a dick, Stephen. Yeah. You have your one cigarette, you fucking dork. Quads out here here just put now, put now content. Well, there are other authors that have written more though.

Yeah, but that's still, I mean, don't downplay it. 80 books in five years is fucking crazy. You're talking to two comics who have a problem filling an hour in five, you know, I've written two hours and five years. But so what was your first book? What was the first book that you published? You know, it's pretty interesting because I get asked this question all the time. People wonder how in the hell do I come up with my book titles, but you know, believe it or not, I actually have a background in working in community

development, public policy, and I was working as a proposal writer at the time. And so I always had this vision of writing like the Chicago version of the wire. And so when I, when a friend got me into writing urban fiction and I told her my idea, she was like, no, that's not going to work for the audience. And I was like, what do you mean? And so when I started doing research, I'm like, serial or fiction that was being published at the time, and it's still being published.

A lot of the titles were just like very different from the cautionary tales that I know that a lot of African American writers used to put out like in the 70s, the 80s and the 90s like Donald Goins, just a soldier. And so my very first title was very taint. The name of the book was called lethal love, but if I were to show you that cover, you'll be like, this no, that's, that's just not a clone of cover. Yeah. That's the difference. The people you work with in community development be blown away at the titles of like this bitch got rats

in her, or this bitch got roaches in her house. And now she has rats too. I mean, they would, they would, they don't even know that that was like a side of you that was writing stuff. But they'd be, you know, it's like finding out your old lady teacher is doing it only fans or something. You know, like it's gotta be like what? Yeah, yeah, my, this hilarious, you say that because I think a lot of my uh, well I actually

know I would say that by at this point, well no, no people are still shocked to this, it's very gay. I mean when I first did it the first year, yeah, a lot of people were like, when the hell it's going on in this dude's mind like, is he really serious? I think a lot of people just thought I was probably losing my shit. Yeah, I feel like this guy's riding urban fiction and then also I mean when you find that out and then you start seeing these titles that does have to be a thing where you're like, damn, it's almost like you're Superman. You're like, that's what you do, you go home alone. Yeah, great. It also has it has it come back around to you yet where like someone's

brought you guys. If you've seen this guy, this guy corn mills and these these crazy book titles and you're like That's me I'm con. Yeah, I'm cool You know actually know not personally. It's but it's happened to my family members Oh, where they've been like check out check out my fucking yeah, this one like a old thought next door and you're like Yeah, that's yeah, well like my my brother for instance I, when I wrote this whole guy, I wrote this in her crib, my brother's a web developer down in Orlando, Florida, and, you know, some of his coworkers, you know, some of his coworkers that I was a writer and so like, when I was going viral one day, a few of his coworkers came up to him and were like, Oh, you know, have you seen this book? He knows that your brother know about this guy and my brother was like, that's my

brother. That's awesome. Do you, who do you get to, or I should say, I have, what's the process of getting the models for the covers of these books? Because old thought next door, because that's honestly, in my mind, I'm like, the Chino, she was going to be old thought next door. No matter what fact, it's going to be old thought next door. No matter what fact it's funny you mentioned that because So actually ironically my cover designer who's been helping me out. Well I've had multiple cover

designers but the main one who's been helping me out over the last couple of years. So we actually just passed away. Oh, two weeks ago. Sorry to hear that. So thank you. So um, and uh, um, he was actually um, um, I think the proper canvas. I think it was, he was paralyzed. Missing it down. I know you. Okay. Alright. So I think he was designed a lot of his covers with his mouth. Damn. He's quadriplegic designing. That's how you get the old thought lady not be upset about it because you just put it on a cover call me an old thought you know she did it she did reach out to me yeah so what happened was so it's a thing like me and like you know you know I'm in the publishing where you just go to you know Adobe stock photos sure find cover models and then

you just slam you know the covers together with the title. But in that the time I didn't do really good research and to the legality of like using, you know, stock photo model. So I'm just thinking, well, I paid for it, I could do whatever I want with it. Yeah. So realizing that at the old being all these other

companies buried on their website, these terms and conditions that state that you cannot use any of their photography in the manner that the Irish person would consider obscene or salacious. Got it. So, make a long story short, you know, old thought next story has been like a viral success for like the last couple of years now. And this past year when the past the book went viral all over again, I got like a new wave of attention on my other books, one of them being old.nxtore. So naturally speaking, I'm seeing, you know, the buzz going around social media, so I decided

to promote the books even more on different platforms, and as this book is going viral, setting me, I get the actual stop model, which by the way she's been in commercials. That's crazy. That's crazy to be like watching a commercial and you're like, hey, did you see it? Stay farm? That's the old thought next door. Is Chris Paul's mom the old thought next door? Yeah, she's been in commercials for like, you know, different medical advice companies and like life alerts something like that and and so she started like comment to them

I post That's not me that's not me so eventually I reached out to her and I was like hey, you know, I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm gonna take everything down to everything we designed I didn't realize that this was against the doubt at those terms and conditions so she reached out I mean, so she was like, oh just give me a call so we actually talked on the phone for about a good two hours. She looks like Bill Cosby's mom on the Cosby show. Dr. Shoe. Yeah, I mean she actually doesn't really look like that.

You actually go to her IG page. She actually is a very attractive woman. I mean she doesn't, I think that particular picture, you know, when you added all the different filters and went nine, then we cropped our head off and put her on the body, you know, it kind of makes it look different. But when you actually go to our IG page, she looks completely different. Yeah. But um, she, she reached out to me and she was like, well, I don't want you to take everything down. We could do some sort of partnership or whatever. I don't know her from it. It's been so. It's about art and

maintaining life. And you went over and fucked her. The old thought next door. Oh my God, you're living my book. Yeah, she said that a bunch of her family members and people at her job and, you know, read it. On one of the so she had people like weeks now to her like what the hell are you going? Oh my God. Are you really, are you really an old thought next door? Are you, are you going to turn these into movies? So yeah, that is actually the claim.

The reality is that the did chunk of modients, I mean, they would rather watch a lot of this content than read it. And I just have so many fans sitting on the sidelines that are like, I mean, they would rather watch a lot of this content and read it. I just have so many fans sitting on the side of mine that are like, I mean, I bet people literally tell me, you know, straight up, right? I don't read. Yeah. I'd rather watch this.

So I've been talking to a few companies here and there about the possibility of turning. Well, I got to tell you, you have a gold mine. You have a gold mine in karma reading your books because karma reading the Is that he wants only one to an audio book right now? Oh, yeah, it was actually she's uh, she just messaged me this morning saying that Old Thought Next Door is actually complete. Yes, yes That's okay. You go. What a bonfire exclusive dude old Thought Next Door with karma coming to audiobook It was so funny when I was listening this weekend. I was in the road doing comedy with my friend Lewis separate hotel rooms and I was listening in I had the

Pastors he pussy to yeah playing in my thing and then I went into Lewis's room Yeah, he was listening to like a real like the reasonably block ourselves from our total Yeah, I used appreciation of life is because we can't see but you know room. He was listening to like a real like the reasonably block ourselves from our total. Yeah. Appreciation of life is because we can't see but you know it's like a real self-help book. And I was like, my thing was like, mmmm, I jumped on these balls like they were the bag of chips. Yeah, I mean actually a lot of my mom, she's for a year she was like, you know, I'll never read your books, you know, it's obscene, it's trash, it's this, it's that. And then like, you know, when I told I was turning the book into

an audio book, she was like, really? I was like, yeah, so she listened to it. She was like, oh, shit, that was such a good book. You got anyone coming in? I'm like, wow, so I do write it. My mom told me. That's great. That's right. Where's episode three of this pitch Yeah, yeah, karma reading that though. She fucking rules She did every character in it when she would do the fastest boys will surprise Oh, we're Yeah, I like old and I'm working on it. I'm trying to transition into like audio drama. So I have multiple narrators. Oh, that's right Yeah, voice actors. I mean, you know, well, God consider us for that.

Yeah, we'll come in and help you out anytime you need. If you need a room full of actors, we got you. We'll do some audio acting. Black, we'll use an audio voiceover school. Yeah, good time. Have you ever thought, I know you do urban fiction, you ever wanna do rural fiction? We can give you some titles.

If you wanna to breach into the white trash market. If you want to go like, I got a title called her pussy smell like Fritos. It's got, where's going to be titles, no, it's like, oh great, black guy, just showed up to the square dance. Yeah. This bitch is double wide is also a meth lab. Yeah.

Sorry, sorry, our kid, sorry, our kid found our gun. Well, you mentioned that though because it's, um, I actually created title recently called, uh, Becky sleeps on a air mattress. Dude. Yes. Dude, dude, dude, do you just see no, the Becky on this show once slept on an air mattress? Yeah. And I will tell you I can give you a title right from my my room called Daniel slept in a windowless room I have another one called Becky puts or a Becky no can no

Becky put it raised something the potato salad It's great I keep on the police on me. Yes, I am also I'll be ripping I have another one Do the I'm telling you right now anybody that's a fan of Juan Mills just get ready for the fucking Becky series That is by these books and fun that this project these projects Because I'm I LLZ on Amazon go by This guy's fucking ripping off titles that are amazing. I'm already on board. Damn it. It is.

Becky put raisins in the and the data's out of my God. Unbelievable. Everyone watching Becky dance at the barbecue. I mean, I was I was my my ideas to turn it and actually to a horror story. I'm like, it's terrifying. Oh, Becky just being like a like a through like a Jason Voorhees.

Yeah. Freddie crew. It's his my fires. Yes, and then you got to do the origin story. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I mean it's Oh so many concepts and ideas My head at all times But it's incredible man. You're a doer. I mean the fact you put these book I mean put the works in such a true and what is the average length of the books would you say pages was? It depends but like the uh old dot next door to have a copy of it right in front I mean that one is officially 303 pages. Get it dude. Get it. That's Christian blanks. It's no short order. That's your, I think the old thought next door is your Pelican brief.

Actually the one that people like the most, the one that gets me the most trouble is this hook out roaches in our crib. Yeah. That one's a little bit longer. Where are you based out of, huh? It's the sea. I live in the Chicago. Chicago, I think the, I love the known Chicago.

Chicago. I think the, I think the organ is a book side. I think we have a lot of bonfire. People come out for a book signing. Have you done a book signing yet? Have you ever done like a physical book signing? No, no, not yet. I, you know, I had all these plans and then COVID came and then.

Sure. Well, let's hope this is, you know, let's restoke those fires, because you work your ass off. Well, whenever I or Dan are in Chicago, man, please come out to a show and bring books because people are already in the show. We'll get a side table for you to sign it and meet people, because this is, you know.

Definitely. Yeah, I just, the thing that I'm working on right now is this like this vast, and in that conspiracy That I'm a white man and this kind of hilarious Dude that is quantum I thought I thought yeah, I'm glad you brought that up. It's like you and on Cuz what are we yeah, quantum is when we first found these book titles and we couldn't find you as the author We had a theory that this got to be a white guy is got a really trying to get away with some shit No, this is gotta be a like Really trying to get away with some shit. This is gotta be a white guy trying to get away with some shit.

And then we found out we're like, no, this guy works his ass off. So how deep is it like a true conspiracy theory right now? No, I'm like. No, no, but I said there's a lot of people. When I looked it up, when I looked it up, there's a bunch of different versions of like, Juan Nils is probably white.

It's just a white guy trying to capitalize on something. Yeah, it's the crazy conspiracy theory that started back actually in 2019. So, you know, I was going viral because of this whole got purchased in hook rib and, you know, I already was like telling my kind of nemesis in the urban fiction community because I've just always been like very bold and just very defiant with my book covers and titles because a lot of people feel like that I'm in a mockery of the urban fiction genre which I'm not really I'm just sometimes I'm just writing that tire to a degree.

I was going to say what's your sentence. I mean you're having fun with it obviously like. Yeah. I mean that's the thing. Yeah that's it. It sounds like a thing where you know when you come into something and people take it very seriously and you don't take it as seriously right they immediately think you're mocking it just because you're not taking it as seriously as they take it yes I'm

doing I'm doing the work you're putting in 300 page books right these books in five years well the theory that the actual conspiracy theory got it start in April of 2019. I was in California, me and my wife and Nipsy Hussle just got killed and I saw all these conspiracy theories coming down my news feed suggesting that Nipsy Hussle had been assassinated by the LAPD and I was just really outraged because I'm like, that's just stupid. So I had made like this Clayton Bixby joke that kind of just went over some people's heads, but people saw that I had used the end word.

And that just kind of like, you know, so that's general evidence. And then I didn't have that first. I was thinking like, okay, this is just, you know, jealous, bitter-ass authors mad that I'm going wrong all the time. But then like, we won't buy this point. We're on a beach like an hour or two later.

And then I'm like, seeing all this weird reaction to people suggesting that I'm like, simply because I use the N word. And so I was kind of like leaned into it a little bit. And I was like, yep, I'm going to, I Am I here on this nice California beach and draw my white life And they just pissed people off even more and a few people So that there was even a whole hashtag movement. They got started hashtag quant You quant mills and people were trying to get me canceled and then like I think you know if you somebody Who's not deeply invested in

their fiction space and their fiction community on Facebook saw what was happening and they took it to this really popular gossip form called lipstick alley and so then I had a whole bunch of people who weren't even familiar with me or didn't have any idea about who I you know. That's the problem with all these things does happen though. And it really is, they, they, it's like you're trying to do a thing for a target audience that's going to like this and get it. And then once it gets out of that is my experience.

People trying to give you can't, I like, I look at these, especially comedians and sitting here, we're like, like, we made it worth. Yeah. Even I said, like, I'd love to read Becky sleeps on an air mattress. I know that I'm sure that that's a tough one. And I hope it's just, I hope it's just, yeah, like sarcastic as the whole thing. Big fat Becky got me fired.

I mean, it's so fucking funny. Becky's fat ass got me fired. It's so fucking funny dude. It's just, you know what it is? It's like, like, like we were saying, they take it too seriously. You're having fun with it, and then they get take it too seriously you're having fun with it and then they get mad at you because you're having fun with it

the theory is that i'm a uh... get light either i'm so there's three there's four competing theories the first one is that i'm uh... races like that from georgia and i'm writing this as racial fetish and the other one is i'm a gay white man from georgia or you talk okay and and and the other one is I'm a gay white man from Georgia or Utah. Okay. And then the other one

is I'm actually Hispanic. I'm not. All of it. But the craze is one that I've heard is that this is actually some sort of like covert government. This is CIA. Damn. Damn, dude. I didn't know you went to the farm in Virginia, Kwan. I didn't realize you were a C.I.A. I didn't know you were an asset. I got clearance that'll blow your fucking mind. He is also currently penning old thought next door too. Yeah. How about a nice about the author photo on the next book, Jacket's leave. Clear all these problems up. You know, a lot of, you know, like people are very sensitive to like, you know, imagery that might, you know, weaponize or what people feel like that I'm creating an imagery that to be weaponized to promote, you know, very horrible and extreme stereotypes.

But I mean, that's the thing that I'm trying to like take advantage of is the fact that I'm making fun of these stereotypes. Sure. It's that most of them obviously don't hold any type of serious weight. It's the most fucked up thing about doing anything with humor anymore. If you explain it, it's like, yes, it's ridiculous for a reason. It doesn't get a reaction if it's not ridiculous. It's supposed to be that stupid.

It's like making a mockery out of it. It goes, now this is comedy. It's for entertainment, purely, and it's like, it's making a mock read of it. It goes, now this is comedy. It's, it's, it's for entertainment, completely, and it's not to hurt anybody. Well, Kwan, we really appreciate you calling in. Thank you very much for calling in again. Go check out Kwan Mills's books on Amazon, QUA, and AI-L-L-Z, M-I-L-L-Z.

Go check them all out and make sure you pick it up. You can also follow them at Quon Mills presents on Instagram Quon thanks so much Yeah, absolutely man such a pleasure Thank you, too, I have a good one. We got to get any viewers. We love you. We got a shirt up, which is fucking awesome Andy fury comm big jcommy comm Dancerer comm dancer theater next Thursday everybody comes to get your tickets for it Jersey Go bananas go get tickets right now big jcommy comms bonfire merch comm. We love you guys. We'll see you tomorrow

You've been listening to seriousius XM's Bonfire! New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on Sirius XM!