The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Jacob Considers OnlyFans

Episode Date: January 30, 2026

Jacob has a dream of owning a cowboy ranch complete with horses and buffalo. To acquire this in the next few years, he is considering selling his body on OnlyFans. Jay and Bobby are the perfect two guys to teach him how to be sexy on camera to fulfill his goals. | Comedian Uncle Lazer crosses a line and gets a lewd act performed on him during a podcast. | A video of a man cowardly screaming when he sees a bat, sparks conversation of how adorable baby bats can be. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. It still bugs me that Lou just waits for you to make a move. And all my fucking friends. As soon as you move, he's like a Navy SEAL sniper. I thought he started doing it when you grabbed him. No, he literally waits. He looks at me. He flinches, like, oh, and then he stops, and then he looks at you.

And then as soon as you move, it's on. Let's go. Shows up, buttons up. Quarterback and quarterback coach, dude. We've had to go. We know what's happening. It's because he was having a dance. Bob, if you were dancing, I would not put on.

Bobby never just gets him in dances. I'm going to make you die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You actually, your joyous silliness, every time I come in here, for the most part, unless somebody stops you from using getting into the building. Yeah, it happens. Once in a while.

Really does, you can't help but feel the same silliness. But I got to say one thing to you. Yeah. I came in today, a little panicked. Yeah. Because I was nonchalant coming here. I'm usually here first. So I come in and you're coming or you're down smoking.

And I came up to go pee and get a snack. And I was going to walk into an empty studio. I walked in everybody sitting around watching a video. The optics were I'm late. I fucked up. I didn't look at my watch. And I was like, oh, shit. I'm so sorry.

And you were very, oh, man, you know, But here's the thing I'm not late I gotta tell you When you tell somebody to relax Yeah When you go relax It does the opposite to me

When I'm panicking The word relax Relax What should I do? It should be like freak out Yeah And then my brain will go like this I'm cool man, we're good

Oh okay Just the word Relax Oh yeah Yeah that's it I'm never I'm never setting a video to EJ ever again.

I said that. So good. So good. How you doing? I'm doing pretty good. Well, remember, they've already heard us for a full week. Yeah, we have to have subjects. Yeah, I know.

How you doing? I mean, how you doing today? Oh, on Thursday? I'm doing good. It's a little warmer than it was Tuesday. Because Tuesday's a cock sucker. It's going to be cold there. Huh?

It's going to get colder. No. I don't Thursday. Yeah, there's. It's going to be cold as is tomorrow. It's going to be cold. I'm in Chicago this weekend where it's going to be, and I mean this, negative 11, the first night on there. You mean that? And three degrees.

Do you mean that? I mean it. Are you sure? Yes. Say it again. Let me hear it. Negative 11 on Friday. Yeah?

Two degrees on Saturday. Cancel. Yeah. You're not going to get out. All they're all sold out except for the 330, the 330 matinee. Here's what you should. It'll be cold down. and bright out. Can you do me a favor? Can you just go

into the hotel and give them a check for $250 right out of the gate? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go listen. Yeah, you can't do it. I'm smoking in that room. I'm smoking. I'm smoking in the room. I'm not going on. Yeah, man, I mean. And then give the guy a hundred. A cash. Be like, here's the $250 for the fine. This $100

is so you don't wrap me out. Yeah, I had a hard time today. Is it not a day to smoke outside? No, no. I don't smoke inside either, but can't smoke. Man, fuck, it's cold out there. It's biting. It's terrible. I'm wearing gloves. I never wear gloves. I'm wearing Mary Tyler Moore gloves. Oh, you wore gloves.

I wore, what? You said I'm wearing gloves. I go, those aren't gloves. No, I'm wearing gloves. Did someone tell you you're wearing gloves? I'm wearing gloves today, Jay. Yes. I see them now. They're nice. Well, they're not. I think they're don't. They're stupid shitty gloves. I hate them. I love it. You just go to one with me. Whatever you relax is you, man. Don't say the word relax. What I say about that. But you're not hyped now. I'm not. But the word relax makes me hyped.

If you're hyped, relax gets you more hyped. I'm sorry. Oh, hang on. Spider. I hate it. Oh, Spider! You! Second shot. Everyone in this room would have a worse reaction than that.

Oh, yeah. I saw a video this weekend. Oh, no. It was the, that fails video that we watched, where a guy and his wife are sitting in the living room, it's like, you know, ring cammer or something in the living room. And there's a bat. I think it's a bat in the house.

Which would freak me out, too. But this guy throws his computer, it's smashed on the ground. He runs around screaming like a woman. His wife actually makes a face where she goes like, oh my God, like Jesus Christ, dude, relax. It's so humiliating looking. I can't believe we just let it happen. It was so bad.

I think my screams are at least trying to be manly. I kept it. If you heard one of the, I found there was a lizard on my back. If you heard that scream? Oh, God, thank God. Nobody recorded that. Are you looking for it, Christine? It's peachy is the page.

Peachy. I'm in the history right now. It's going to be too well. I guess if you go to the day, which was... My favorite one is when Selma Hayek, when there was a snake, she was doing a movie, little interview. Yeah. And there was a snake under them.

Buddy, she flips out and starts panicking and crying hysterically. You should do. To where everybody... It's the behavior of an adult human being. With a snake? Yeah. Come on. We can cut its head off with a shovel.

Like Mike Fanoia. You could be Bobby who worships it for some reason. I'm gonna make it a sweater Well Snake Last Wednesday or something Is he maybe? Snake doesn't attack you unless you get near it Back up yes This is by the way the one you just had right there that's gonna come on

It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen Nothing makes me laugh with a falling video more than the person's already coming into frame falling And there's just this chubby lady just eating shit down a flight of stairs spilling everything all over her tits Um skip ahead just go ten seconds at a time Oh, this is, go back up, this is great, this is an old lady. I'll describe this one great, pause it. This is a lady who's drinking in her golf cart in her community she lives in. She has no hands on the wheel whatsoever.

She's on her phone. She's on her phone, no hands on the wheel. Hammered. Turn it up, please. The audio is good. She hits a wall, comes out of the thing completely, hits the wall herself, and then falls out. Wait, hang on. She gets back in because she's embarrassed.

Oops, wrong buttons. Boom, yet again. But she's still on the phone. Still on the phone. That's like when Bobby fell off the, that's the same way. I'm good. No problems here. Right there, it's right there.

You skipped right over it. I'm fine. I just ran over your kid. Yeah, that's the falling in the picture. Yeah, go to that. I don't know how good the audio is on that. Right after this one. She's already eating shit.

Right here. here. She's covered, she spilled something along or something. But get to the audio. The good audio is the guy in the apartment. Let me find it. You had it. You had it.

It was like on one of the thumbnails. Right there. Okay. Back up a little bit. This is so good. I'm just going to play it from here. Bobby, enjoy this. Man turns out to be there.

That's going to be correct. And that will... Ah! Stop. Matt, stop. She's holding tea, she's writing something, she's taking care of two pets. This guy runs out of the home. How can he ever go over behind her and try to like grab her by the waist and kiss her?

Those days are over, dude. Back that up. You think he grabs her by the waist? No. No, I don't. When he kisses her, he goes, yeah. He goes, I have to. Society.

He ran out of his own house. Can I just say something? But I want to see her. face when he, as he's getting, as he's in front of the couch, when he stands up, he's in front, one of his screams, she actually goes like, like, you could see her emotions towards him change. Like, this is insane. But does this, or does it not look exactly like Jacob? It does look like Jacob.

Are you living an alternative life down in? Your girlfriend's hot, but she no longer has respect for you and your feet of bats. I thought, I had bats in the house before. Huh? He gives a shit. I would forget, I would figure out there was a bat in the house. It would be my, it would consume me. You wouldn't do this, though.

I wouldn't behave like that. Exactly. There's not a chance. There's not a fucking chance. Right. I'm not even saying you wouldn't get me going like the tone of all it. You wouldn't hear me going, ah, ah, shit. You know what I mean?

If it was like flapping around or something, I'm not a critters guy at all. It would weird me out. This is, you have to remember the world's looking at you. Well, you're right. The tone is the thing. You have to have a guy tone when you get scared. If you're screaming like, oh, fuck, oh shit, even. It's like, okay, well, it's like you're acting too scared, but at least like your words

are coming out like, he escaped, he abandons his family. She barely picks her head up from her phone. You can literally see her lose respect for him, her face.

I wish you could zoom in on it, but she goes like, she goes like, when he yells one time, she's like, oh, is this happening? Why are you acting like this? The man turns out to be there.

That's going to be correct. And that will... Stop. Matt, stop. Stop! Matt, stop. She's... She's like taking care of the pet.

She's like, dude, you have to stop this behavior. She actually does the thing he should have did. Yeah. Relax. She should be running out of the house. He goes, babe, I'll get it. Let me get a broom. Jesus Christ.

Stop screaming like that. It's not making anything better. That's humiliating. Mine wasn't as bad as that. I want to scream when they were at a mouse in our apartment. I wanted to scream every time. I didn't scream. I handled it as if I was screaming.

What do you mean? My physical reactions were girly screams of reactions, but my voice would just be like, fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it. Fuck, I missed it. Oh, we didn't get it, but inside I was going, ooh! Ah!

I would never do this. Huh? I follow Batzilla also. Batzilla, the bat is, this is bat rescue in Australia. And they're the kids. cutest animals. There they are.

They're adorable. They are. If you follow Batzilla, the bat, you'll see how sweet they are. When Jacobs were, parents were killed after coming out of the opera in that back alley, the batts became his only friends. That's right. You understand.

I do, yeah. It's the darkness. Look. That's not cute, dude. It looks like a fucking pain. That's a grown-up. That does look like a little tiny dog that some chick would have on a plane. No, it doesn't.

And they feed him a bottle. It's got fangs. I know, but that. That looks adorable. That right day. I have the eyes. I'm going to get you on. Huh?

I'm going to get you one. What? No, I mean that? Look at the eyes. I'm going to get you one. That bat has the same eyes you have when you're in trouble. I'm going to get you the same, I'm going to get you the same breed of bat.

Let me see the teeth. She rehabilitates them because if there's a bat on the ground that they're already in distress. But usually it's that they fall on, they get tangled in the, you. Oh my God. Look at how cute that is. All right. All right. Now, listen, those eyes are way different.

No, it's just different light, Bobby. I promise you. This is the same satanic thing that you saw before that you saw was so cute Come on, dude, that's not adorable. That looks like a little tiny puppy. I'll tell you why, they're smartly. They're covering up his freaky little things. His wings?

His little bat things. Yeah. They expand their wings. I've learned this following Batzilla the Bat. You should jerk off more. They expand their wings when they're terrified to, they want to the show like, oh, look, I'm big and scary. Mm-hmm. So they do that on purpose.

They are because they're evil-looking and terrifying. You should get a cape so when you go to your trash, you can scare all the rats so they think you're big and scary. You should get some trained bats. Walk outside with your fleet of bats to combat the rats. I'm putting up a bat box. Bat box. Look at this little thing. Is that always eating a banana?

Come on, Jay. That's adorable. I'm buying you a bat. That's the same way you eat bananas. It is. I see how long I can get down before I have. have to bite. I mean,

that's just adorable. That's adorable, Jay. Those are goofy bats. I think those are Down syndrome bats. Christine, pull up a baby bat one. That'll melt a baby? They just had a baby one where they were feeding the bottle of the baby.

You don't think that this bat, those eyes are pretty adorable. Look at that, Jay. That's probably a baby. And they'll pair it. Almost everything is adorable. Almost everything is adorable. Oh, yeah.

Then look, expand its freaky fucking wings. That's the part that fucks you up is that it. It has giant wings. It's got an evil thing. I've got a tattoo of that same evil thing right here. Look. What? The little claw end of the wing.

That's its foot. It's fucking weird. It's his foot wing. Buddy. They're vampires. They turn into evil people who move next door and have sex in the window. In Florida that me and Bobby love going to. They grow up.

You know what they do? They grow up and they get a bunch of ruffian friends who hang around the boardwalk and kill people at night. Yes. Look at that little cute thing, just suckling on some milk. Buddy, I understand that. But this thing grows up. And then it moves next door to you, has sex in the window of his house.

And then before you know it, you have to go employ a fucking former television vampire hunter with the hopes that maybe he could help you out. And then you eventually kill him. But that leads to sequels. And he turned your best friend into a monster and you have to kill him too. all these bats in the daytime. And then the lady the next door neighbor

from married with children also was in that. She wasn't a vampire. She was just a lesbian, angry lesbian in that movie. She was the hot chick in that movie and she became the scariest vampire though. That was...

That mouth haunted me. That was when I was a kid that got me. That was one of like that... For a movie that I thought was like kind of kitsy and fun. Yeah. That when she would turn around I was one of those scenes

where like sometimes if I was by myself I wouldn't, I'd keep my head down for that part of it. Like, I'm not gonna watch this part. Yeah, she really did go from adorable to just, She was adorable in that movie She was the cute little

She was the romantic lead, right? Yeah, it was before they got a local softball team Dude, come on, it's hiding under its wing And they'll take in an orphan like the She'll pair an orphan baby with a orphan adult And it will just take it in and act like it's parent I'm going to build you a cave I want you to have a bad cave, dude

Jacob Cave I want one so bad But you have to let them constantly swarm you But you can't make any reactions You have to be like, yeah, this is great. I love them. I love when there's bats everywhere. Did I tell you, I conquer my fear?

Me and Dawn, when we went to Aruba, on the backside of Aruba, it's all like desert and caves, and you can go in these caves. Don't, though. I know, but I'm a little, you know, we like to do stuff like that. So me, Max. If you were a girl, dude, you would have never made it past Natalie Holloway age. You'd been rape murdered in somewhere exotic. All they would have found was your no underwear overalls floating in the ocean.

So they Don't forget my scally cap So they You have to walk You have to climb up these stairs Into like this little cave And it's dark And you can see the light

It opens up And there's a hole in the ceiling Further down And the sun comes in It's called lover's cave Or some stupid like that So you gotta go through the dark So you go through the dark

A little bit You kind of can hunch over And then you come up And the whole cave opens up And there's a hole in the ceiling And sun comes through And it's all In all situations, you have to make it through the dark to see the light.

So then they, and it's all sand. It's really beautiful, it's a beautiful thing. And, you know, a lot of couples go there and get photos and the sun's coming in. You get really cool photos. So we went in and we'll walk, you know, just going around or whatever and looking at everything. We're taking our photos, me and Don, our selfies under the light. And then it started raining out. And as soon as it started raining out.

we didn't realize this, but the whole cave was filled with thousands of bats. Oh, God. So places that we were kind of walking through and checking out, we didn't see them. There was just bats. You can't even really see them. They're just hanging. Yeah. So then I saw one bat, and then I saw another, and then we saw another.

There was thousands of bats started coming out. And then we had to get out of there, but we had to go through the darkness, the cave part. were all the bats. So I had to, you know, it was Don Max and me. So I had to put me up front because Don hates bats. Why don't you grab a stick, wrap your shirt around it and light it on fire like Rambo? Because I didn't have any oil. Did he have oil?

Yeah, he had, remember who's in the oil? It was like some type of oil or caracine down there. Why is it? Because I thought he was just like in the sewage of like a forest. I don't know. I think there was. Oh, that was Raiders at the Lost Ark. Oh, yeah, yeah.

He was in the sewers. I thought he just kind of like. like lit his shirt on fire. Remember when he was going back to the city? I was kind of fat at the time, so there was no way. I'd rather get eaten by bats and take my shirt off and make it into a torch. Agreed. I don't want to die without a shirt on.

To this day. It was like an old mine. Huh? It wasn't like an old mine he was in. Yeah. Oh yeah, right. And he dipped it in keros. Yeah, he did find a rag.

I had to lead the way. And as we're walking through, thousands of bats were just flying by our heads to get to the other part where it does make the story sound much more dramatic where we could we could see the light and we have that but the whole time it's just screams from dawn max and me because the bastard just like it was like come on just follow me i said i had to start yelling at them because they weren't listening for some reason in situations like this women just don't listen it's like follow me stay right behind me and i look back she's just stopped and i'm I'm just like, follow me.

I turned to like a Navy. You've got to stay behind me. Let's go. Fall in line. We're 20 clicks from freedom. But then it would be like, it would be really manly stuff followed by, follow me. Stay be. Ah!

I'm scared too. But I don't have the luxury of having time to be scared, Dawn. Oh, no. Stop, go! Oh! Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, no! I will say this there. You should never go near a bat. You have to call the bat experts like this woman. Why? Where am I going to get a spotlight and a cut out of a bat at this time? They have a lot of diseases. So where was it?

You cannot go near. You should never go near a bat. Do you understand there was no, the only exit was the cave part that was dark. Yeah. For like 50 yards. And the ceiling was low. So you had to kind of duck down and walk through this dark cave with thousands of bats flying by our head.

Or just stay in there with the bats until it stopped raining and they went back to sleep. So we had to run out. It was the worst. You should have lived amongst them. The worst. It was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. You can also get seriously sick from that dropping. You know where that ever happens at your house? Gwano. Hmm. Guano. We all saw Ace Ventura part two. The only reason any of us know guano the word. Is that where I got it? It's the only place you got it. Guano. Bat shit. It's the only place we all learned it.

Bobby's regurgitating Ace Ventura 2 facts when nature calls. You know the rhinoceros, mostly moves around at night. Do you guys know that? I would love to open up a bat rescue. Why? Because they're really not a lot around here, and they need them. Jake, there's a lot of things you say you'd like to do. I'd like to see you do, I don't know, one of them.

Yeah. Well, yeah, I need, I've told you. Everything's on hold till I open up my ranch where I can establish myself and all these things. I'm a cowboy. How are you getting the ranch? What do you mean? Where are you going to get? Where is the ranch going to be?

Where? Yeah, that's what I said. I don't know. I haven't picked the state. I'm thinking more Colorado. You're going to move to Colorado and open up a ranch. How long are you going to wait? It's going to be like moving the hospice.

Yeah. Do you have a lot of bit? Do you have a lot of Bitcoin and how much land is in Colorado? Two to three years. It's a lot of money. dude. Two years now, you're going to be on a ranch? I would not have my ranch.

He's going to have an acre and a half ranch in Colorado. An acre and a half. Times a hundred, Bobby. You already know where you're getting it. I know the location, kind of where I want to go, yeah. But not the place yet. No. A ranch, you're going to have horses.

Well, do you want to know the real dream? Yes. Another one of my things is. Or any of these attainable? Well, some people are doing it. Okay. I don't know, then I'd have to move states for the ultimate dream. I want to help bring back the buffalo.

So a few buffalo. So I need room for buffalo. You have sex with Buffalo? No. They're great America. Can you have sex with Buffalo? Jacob's going to try to fucking get her pregnant. So that's more Montana.

You say he's trying to bring back the Buffalo. I think you have to fuck a Buffalo. No, they're back, but they need. Press. You're going to be their press agent. You guys are back, baby, but no one knows about it yet. We got to get you on Fallon. But you know nothing about buffalo mating,

and you need a lot of pasture for a buffalo. Yes. Who's taking care of the bats while you're fucking around with these buffalo? Bats are, they need a lot less room. You don't want to take care of them. Well, they don't need a lot of room, but you have to feed them bottles and shit all the time in bananas. Yeah.

It's a pickle. It is a pickle. What about the horses? Who's going to take care of the horses? I am going to have horses, too. I must have said that earlier. So you basically want to open a zoo. You have Matt Damon's dream

Well the Buffalo, I admit, is a little more out there Are you getting pop-a-booing money behind our back? How is this all possible? Yeah, what's going on? What are you doing down in Florida? A horse ranch with horses? That's expensive as shit. Not a ranch, just a couple. One or two.

Are you a male jigolo down in Florida? Is that why you want to go down there so much to make your ranch money? I don't have to tell you everything. I guess you don't. I guess. Don't you want me to have this ranch in a couple of years? So you can sit at the ranch and wish you were in Florida?

It might be in Florida, too. I don't know the location yet. You can't have Buffalo. You actually said... I just want you like you know. You said, the words. I know the location. I know where...

And now you just said, I do not know the location yet. Well, no, I know where I need... I know the location I'd like to be where I see myself just kicking it back on my front porch. Why don't I feel like we're catching you lying about your dream? Why would lie about this? No, because my conflicting desires, hobbies change the location. You want? Just because you want to fucking parasail into some skis and then jump off the skis into some water.

Yeah, and then just get on the drums. And then scuba. Ultimately, it's going to be two houses. You're going to have two houses. The ranch and then the warm weather one. So you're going to leave the animals. You're going to leave the animals for six months out of the year. Who's going to take care of the animals?

The buffaloes of the horses. Are you going to stockpiling money since you were 11? No. Okay. I'm trying to make moves. you know make make moves yeah get on the ranch and you're gonna retire how are you gonna make money

do you think you're zooming in here from the ranch every day no he wants to see you in a fucking corner of a scream with the cowboy hat on every day I've been up for 18 hours guys no I'm not relying on my serious XM money for the ranch it's your male jiggle-oing

oh you think he's gonna become a dancer Lou I like I understand Lou speak he thinks he's gonna become a fucking male dance answer. You know the only way you make money for that. Would you, if you can make your dream happen in the next two years, would you start masturbating for guys on the internet? Yes. Oh, you're talking to Jacob? Yeah. I'm sorry. No one knows. There's just a quiet thing. You go wear a Gimp mask, but you have to finish, you have to finish the completion every time. I feel like I won't have to. But we know it was you because we see all the buffaloes and the bats in the background.

What fuck is this guy? That'd be a good, that'd be a good jerk off only fan's name, Buffalo Oh, Dr. Doolittle. The animals help you come Because what they're saying to you No one else can hear it, but those animals Are all making noises for you Yeah, come for me, Daddy You're gonna let the buffaloes in your house?

I'm a ward hog. Come for me, daddy. You'll see. I'm a zebra. We are gonna see. We're gonna see if you'll start masturbating for money on camera. Oh, no, I meant the buffalo.

How much money do you think he can make masturbating on camera? You can make ranch money? He could, yeah. He could definitely make bat money. He's a total zaddy. Okay, he's a zaddy. He can make some bat money.

Maybe a horse. He's got a good money. He might be able to do things like, he might be able to do tricks like suck his own dick. We don't know. You're wrong about this because I've read that... That you might not be able to suck your own dick?

I think I'm right about it. And second of all, you read about it? I read about... Sucking your own dick? No, the... Most people just try it. What's the thing? Only fans, do you know that they make only about, like, maximum?

The average was like $1,000 a month. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's people who just... They're doing hardcore porn. No, no, I know. They're making no money at it. But it's all self-promotional. So you're not talking about porn stars.

You're talking about girls who work on the fucking 32nd floor of this building. They're like, well, I'll show my asshole. You're right. A thousand tops. I'm on 36. So what's the difference? You're on air, buddy. This isn't the same thing.

Dude, we're going to promote your only fans more than our dates. If Martha Quinn was walking off 80s on 8 and then double dildoing herself, I mean, that would be a fucking, that'd be something to see, wouldn't it? You didn't say you were going to help. I appreciate it. We're going to help. We're going to watch it every day on the show. No, I would like to keep a secret. I want to see if we can get Jacob a whirlwind of cash for quietly under the radar jacking off for guys.

But the jacking off guys have to know it's him because that's what makes it exciting. It's Jacob from the bonfire. Right. I'm beating off to Jacob from the bonfire, even though he's working. an executioner's mask the way I asked. We should make him get a bonfire logo around his asshole.

I don't mind that. That's a good one. I don't mind that. We can make it fake, though. But every day you've got to be in the chair two hours before your only fans to get that reapplied. When I know I'm gonna be on.

I'm gonna be in the chair for you. Getting your asshole tattooed. When I know it's go time to be on the stage, I go into training mode. So it would keep me in shape. So that's an up. Oh, yeah, that's an upside. Nobody wants to see a little tiny belly

on a guy jerking off. No. It's going to be the way you try to suck your own dick. That's why I'm almost more, like, am I more embarrassed, but jerking off or having even a little bit of belly fat? I don't know. I say the belly fat thing.

Belly fat, a hundred fat. It's neck and neck. You'd think it wouldn't be. It shouldn't be. Jacob, do one week of jacking off for guys. Let's hit a goal. Let's hit a financial goal. And if you don't hit the financial goal, we'll stop.

Yeah, we'll stop. If you can hit $5,000 in one week, we go. If you get less than that, we quit. If you were making $5 grand a week from jacking off for guys. Game changing would that make you super happy? The money? A week. That's $20,000 a month.

It's still not enough to humiliate. You don't want your dream then. You don't want that ranch. Wow, I thought this is the guy who wants to dream. What's the other arrangements? Tesla. Yeah, you're going to have your corpse sent to see? What does that mean I made other arrangements?

No. You think Tesla is your fucking ranch money. It is my ranch. Is it? Yes. So you're either going to live your life on a ranch or drive a Tesla for a while? Basically, yeah. All right, well.

What if the Tesla thing doesn't work out? I think it will. When? What are you asking me? When I think the stock's really going to take off? Probably end of next year. End of next year, you're getting a ranch. You're going to suck your own dick?

I don't think I can get it next year. Maybe a year. So until then. From your Tesla investment. I hope so. Yeah, wow. Why don't you just suck your own dick on Onlyfans until then as a backup plan? You can't control what Elon Musk does and the people's acceptance of his.

and how that's going to ebb and flow. That's true. You can control one thing for sure. I got a cock. I'm going to go pound it on camera for guys. And they'll pay. Instantaneously. You don't, buddy, no pay, no play.

You fucking get hard for them. And then you go, hey, guys, you got to start dropping these fucking tips. And then when they're like, they're not dropping tips, you go, no problem, guys. I can always, and you just put your fucking dick away and start reading your fucking swastika book in your house. It's like confused people. And then they go, and you go, and you go, oh, what's it? You guys? and then you start knocking it around

and get a little bit for him. I can talk you through it behind camera. Yeah, well, you're not going to do this alone. Don't be ashamed either to wear... Don't be ashamed to wear an earwig. Do not be ashamed to wear an earwig either. I heard Jack Nicholson even does that, and he's a fantastic actor.

I can give you lines. Really? Mm-hmm. Jack Nicholson did that. Yeah. You know, you can do... Don't worry about this, too. Your first two subscribers

are staring your right in your face right now. And I'm coming in top package. We should do some tiered system for sure. Yeah. Definitely. Outfits is a top tier. If you dress like Batman or maybe like a cowboy. You just have to jerk off.

Just jerk off. But you have to do it from down, the angle down. I want to see everything. Your back, like your low B has to be on the ground because we want to see your asshole pucker when you come. We got to see that bonfire logo. Yeah. At the beginning, not the whole time.

No, I assume from the-farlah logo where? On your asshole. I do think, I do think, Jacob, as your asshole puckers, upon like your and your balls move around from you different states of coming your ass is gonna it's gonna get rid of the bonfire logo that's why we will have to reapply it every day it will that's the big unless we do it in like henna like a hannah tattoo that sticks around for a while oh yeah maybe yeah i said i was gonna go washable marker but i don't know well could very well be that uh my plans don't work out and in which case i probably will have to switch to uh you're gonna

Only fans. Clock's ticking. You're not getting any younger, dude. I'm telling you right now. What I do love, though, and by the way, lose, black end DJ, you should take this very, very offensively. He is severely more open to this idea than spending three days in a place with you. Ouch. Well, that's continual money.

Huh? That's a one-time money. Yeah, that's true. He makes a point. That's a one-time thing. One time. You want him to live there? What about when it gets picked up?

Oh. When it starts to. making money. See, Jay's a thinker. I bet you. You don't know it's going to get picked up. If I put it up on my YouTube, it would make, absolutely would make money for sure. J.

Jay just turned it serious? 100%. Well, he's saying it's not permanent money. Listen, you don't know. You might be an only fan's flop. I don't think so. I believe in you, baby. You're beautiful.

You know that. I'm too self-conscious. Stop it. No, you're not going to show your face. Nobody's going to know it's you except all the people that know the want to fire. You can be a bashful boy. Yeah, but we don't. want the bonfire fans to be the initial push and then the like people don't even know what that

symbol means is going to stuff along you and i'll be the moderator so i'll be off to the side going jacob chat saying they want two fingers in your shitter christine what do you say what i say go for it if it's going to give you your ranch i'm it's for the buffalo it's for the buffalo the bats buffalo and the bats yeah i mean come on think of those little cute bats that need you yes yes Do you have a thought? Does this make Jacob gay? Yes. I think this is a great idea.

I say we do Airbnb in New Orleans for Skank Fest. Yes. We have Jacob do the only fans, have DJ Lou do live drops. Okay. Paco said he'd always recall. Paco would film everything? Yes. Oh, yeah.

He already asked if he could. Now, I assume you'll be able to come very easily with all those guys in the room, Jacob. These guys? Yeah. You said I'm alone. Well, now you're changing the rules. Well, we need him doing drops. Black Lou.

Black Lou, if there's any phone calls or ideas he wants to throw out, you know what I mean? Black Lou is going to be moderating the chat. Lou wouldn't do it. What? He won't look at me. Jack you off? No. You don't have to jack him off.

You're doing drops while he's getting jacked off. You would do that. That's fine. You have to look. You in the eyes or in the asshole? That's a, that's a J question. Can I tell you something? You can look him in the eyes, but he's not going to be looking back of you and I'll tell you why.

Because I'm going to be fucking soul-locked with him. Jacob the whole time. Because I'm off-camera coaching him, you understand. I'm leading, I'm the, you know, I'm the lady who leads the audience at the Wendy Williams show. Remember that lady? I'm rallying. You're the Sergio de Bergeic.

Is that he? Serio. That one, too. De Bergerac? I don't know. Right? It's a hard one. It's a hard one.

But it was, wasn't that a Gerard-Depardot movie? Mm-hmm. Wasn't he Cyrano de Bergerac? It was actually a Happy Days episode, too. This was a Steve Martin movie called Roxanne. Yeah, great movie. You're going to have Jay guiding you. You have the expertise of somebody who watches OnlyFans knows what the people want.

I don't go to OnlyFans at all. They, uh... And you're going to, I mean, good yes, and then... Worst improv. Yeah. I don't pay for pornography, Bobby. I'm not some fucking loser or some fucking Momo jacking off to Jacob. You paid for pornography on the show.

On the air. Christine, buy it. I don't know. Jason Ellis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's gay.

That's gay. How is that different? Christine, I'll tell you for sure. I have no idea what the logins for OnlyFans are. No, it's through our store. I have no clue. I have no clue. I don't go on OnlyFans.

It's for guys to jack off to Jacob. That's not my Steve. Just because you say somebody else do it for me. Huh? Yeah, so you had Christine do it for you. That's for content. We watched it on the show. I've never seen Only fans away from the show.

This is for content. No, no, no, no. This is for money. This is you making money jacking your cock for men. This is for the bats and the buffalo, dude. And you'll wear a different kind of mask every day. I feel like my window for this is past. Think about, can I just say some, Jacob?

How much do you love, you turn into that guy on the live shows, right? That other person, right? That's who I want jacking off. That's who's going to be. You're not jacking off. That guy's jacking off. J.B. is jacking off. That guy is going to.

Now all you have to do You're so beautiful, baby Is put on a different outfit Having a little idea What you're going to do that day What the little you know Business you're going to have This guy doesn't have a bad angle

And you're going to turn that camera on Enter the room And do your thing And make that cha-ching Give me a turn around Jacob This is the kind of easing in talk I'm going to give you one when you get there Jacob can ask you a question

If right now could you put your heels up on that counter? My heels? Yeah. Let me just see if you could put your heels up on that counter. Like a flexible bitch. Yeah, let's see. Like a bitch you could be.

Take your blankets off. I have to remove my blanket. I like a bitch. I like a bitch with loose hips. Here we go. Here we go. All right? Jacob.

Now just open the legs up a little bit. A little more. A little more. Now put the heels. The heels. Bring your knees back a little bit. Jacob. He's not looking inviting.

You're doing good, Bobby. directing him. He's not looking at, can I... I'm new at this gay porn. That's all right. I've done no gay porn in my life, but this is what the people want to see, Jacob. Yeah, that's what they want to see. You're turning your ankles like that. Of course I am. But Bobby

didn't tell me to do that. I was following... We were going step by step. Don't get mad at me. We're trying to help. You're supposed to just know, dude. Jay is way more spread. Yeah, because he's relaxed. Look at him. He's also wearing sweats. And he's how to fuck. And then I could do this. I can finger my own butthole and whack off because guys like that.

Yeah, don't do that, though, because you rub the tattoo off. You could juggle. Don't finger your asshole. My asshole doesn't have a tattoo, permanent or semi-permanent. Yeah. But I'm telling you right now, Jacob, if it's just me and you sitting across from each other and your body is way better than mine, your ass particularly, I'd guess, and I'll say, I'm making more money. Yeah, put him back up.

I'm making more money right now, Jacob. Right now, I'm just making more, just doing nothing. I'm making more money. This is my only fans. I'm waiting for the chat to fill up. This is what I do. And they're already tipping me. Just ball bag out, everything out.

Ball bag, and most importantly, asshole showing. Look at Bobby go. You both look like your... Bobby, maybe one up on the chair. Get a little bit higher on it. You look natural. Yeah. Isn't there like a charm to me not knowing what I'm doing at first?

Do it now. That'd be great. Jacob, grab the ear and a thigh like this. See this? Yeah. Do this right here. Just spread your... Spread your thighs open a little bit.

A little more. There you go. Now we're cooking with gas. Now you're doing the right thing. Now just rub down a little bit. I kind of get it now. Now, wait. Can you suck your own toe while you jerk off?

I can't go down. I think I can. Suck your own toe? Let me see. Give me a taste, Daddy. Well, no, I mean, I... Are we practicing or are we not practicing? I don't know what we're doing here.

It's... I mean, I'm pretty sure. You're like Rocky when Apollo was trying to help him, and he's not accepting the help. I hate being a fucking coach here. Jacob, I'm sitting here. I'm not coming. I'm not coming to what you're doing.

Do better. Look at me sitting here. Let me work on this. Look at me sitting here, limp as a noodle. It makes me sick. You really are flexible. God damn it, man. This makes me sick.

Why not you open up an only fan? You think? I think so. I think I've been waiting for someone to just say it. Should I? Yes. Maybe I should. I would love it if Christine Kim.

Jay and she just came down to the stage you're cranking and out on the live. Only fans and dude. But you don't even do it. You do it on YouTube. I guess I would finger asshole left. I think I was finger asshole left hand. You're going to. I think you're going too high on the penis.

Do you think that? I was doing just head, dude. Oh, sorry. I thought you're going up the shaft. I mean, we're going to be realistic. We got to be realistic. Is that what we're doing? It's more like this, Jay.

Jacob, you said Jacob Passy looked away. He looked down at my shit and then looked right away quick. It was weird. Who's that? Oh, the rain. We still got a subscription? Yeah. Karma is her name.

Jesus Christ is her game. Rang and dang dang dang. Oh, look at her cooch. What is that? Is that a tattoo over her? It's her cooch, dude. Is she religious or not? It goes.

It's day to day, Jacob. You can't love God and make porn? Yeah. You're not supposed to. Not that way. Jacob, what are you thinking? This can't be for the Lord? She just asked for forgiveness every day.

That's how Christianity works. I don't like the way she figures this up. It looks like she's checking for something. It does. She goes, oh, that bump's still there. This could be your intro song. My second favorite girl rapper, fifth favorite rapper of all time. God damn, she still has it.

Well, I think we've dilly-dallyed enough. Oh, yeah. We've dilly-dallied plenty. I think it's time to get into part two. of christine evans comedy oh god i forgot all about it did you i did we pushed it off to this next what we pushed it off to the next pre-recorded i said i forgot about it and now i just remember it and i'm just very happy right now take it in be happy you need to hear a little submarine a little bit yeah because they got some summer rain always in the pocket yeah

I love Jason Keep up Bobby her face I like it That guy actually screamed Latier than that With the bat

It was more of a girl He screamed He screamed at Latier I have a video I'll send it to Christine When me, Paul Verze and Voss went golfing

And he did the same thing He was on his stupid phone And he drove into a Bull cactus And jammed his sternum into the steering wheel and knocked the wind out of himself. Jesus Christ.

And then fell out of the golf cart. I was going, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I don't think I've laughed. Oh, my God, I fell out of the golf cart. Just seeing stupid Voss. Love it. You know, we watched last night, Uncle Laser did a porn podcast, and they had the porn star

suck his dick. And sitting with his fucking dick out the whole time. I don't know if it's a terrible or whatever, like neutral. career move for him. It's terrible. But not a bad dick. Yeah, I understand. I don't know if I said that on the show yesterday because it was such a shocking thing.

I was like, this guy is like, decent dick. I guess I would show that on camera more willy-nilly than my own dick. Yeah, but you just, once you cross that line, there's no coming home. I do feel that way too. I'm like, it's a real like, oh, it's like, but, you know, I don't know. Maybe his audience is like, it doesn't make a fucking deal. It's like Jason is trying to come back from that move. Maybe you get Karen Feehan.

I mean, her stuff's like. out there. But is she getting she's not getting plowed, right? No, but he's also just getting his dick suck. You know what I mean? I think it's a little different for girls.

Isn't it? I don't know. For girls, showing your hog is a whole different fucking arena. Showing it in the capacity of like, yeah, I'll get sucked off on your show by a girl

who looks by the way 12. Oh, no. I think that's her thing is that she looks young. Yeah? She does look young. I got to pretend not to like that right now. Oh, God.

Leger Louis, He goes, I had to stop myself from jerking off to this. And I'm like, really? Dude, that's just porn. It's just porn. No, I'm saying, these guys say, hey, this girl wants to suck your dick. Would you do it? Yeah, that's a hard, I mean, that's a hard thing to.

Jesus Christ. So he had to do the, he had to do the podcast while she was doing it? Sort of. Like a little gimmick? Yeah, well, they do a trick. They play a joke on them. It's just kind of funny. They ask them both, after she's sucking his dick already, they asked them both if he's, uh,

I'll say, Uncle Laser, not a bad dick at all. Also, not a bad-looking guy. I take him in so much as like Uncle Laser, the goofy character of it that you're like, he's a good-looking guy. Good-looking guy, nice piece. Decent piece.

Definitely got a style he's in. Sure. Yeah, he's leaning into what he looks good in. But, I mean, you know, you got to respect it that he's never going to get like on, you know, network TV. I don't know if you do or you don't from this, but the thing they play on him. Can't get on Nick. Well, he's not going to be a sitcom store, but I don't know if that was, that's not his. I know.

You got to respect it. It's like, I'm going to do what I do, and this is what I do, I guess. Dude, I don't know if a young me in the moment. I wouldn't definitely do it while two guys sit on the other chairs and watch. That's the only way I could get hard. I know, but that's not my thing. Yeah, I know. But I wouldn't do it like this.

But, I mean, I would try to probably talk the conversation and be like, I mean, I'll go in the bathroom with her. That sounds like one of those crazy Japanese shows where they're just going to suck you off, but you have to, like, you know. Do something, yeah. Have a serious conversation about politics. You got to finish a jigsaw puzzle. I hope that's what Dave's career turns into. Jigsaw-puzzling But they do a funny thing where they ask them both

While she's blowing them They go, hey, have you guys both been tested recently? And she goes, she stopped sucking his He's like, yeah, I think I'm all right, man And then she goes like She goes, oh, she goes, I have gonorrhea In my, like down there, but not in my throat or anything. What?

But they, it's a prank they're doing it. Because then they have the guy looks up While she's blowing him still The guy looks up and like he started looking at him on the phone, he goes, it says if you have gonorrhea, like, you have it, like, it's in your vagina, it's in your, and they have her come over,

and she's like, no, uh, really? And she comes over and looks, and then you see him kind of getting serious, like, oh, my, and then they're like, nah, we're just fucking with you, she can finish sucking your dick, and then she just goes back to sucking his dicks. Prank shows are really stepped it up, huh? He was just slap you in a face with a pie,

and now that... Smile, you're on candid camera, you're getting sucked off by a girl just said you, she goes, I have AIDS, Here's the thing with this, though, those guys who are doing this, you're never going to, the respect level is just the bar is lower. It's like a jerk mate fucking podcast and stuff like that. But I'm just saying it's like, it's like you're really like going like, man, that's not a great idea for you. But I'd say personally, it's like, you know, I know he's got like a following in a name.

But I said, again, maybe this is a commercial for him to get pussy and it won't make a difference at all. I don't know. There's so many different things now, you know, like there's so many different. avenues. It kind of doesn't matter. This is like a 1987, 1995 Avenue. This is like old school avenue.

I got to know. Does he come? I don't know. You can't come in front of other guys. What do you mean? Oh, she does. I mean, oh, she really does do it good, though. Bobby.

No, I mean... She's a baby. I'm talking about the facial. I wouldn't be able to talk. it's just so wild to hear he's literally not being affected by this I wonder if her self-esteem's on the line too because it's like he should be moaning and groaning and being like into it he's just having a normal conversation oh he's boned up so I mean probably making her feel pretty good

keep it a guy boned up while everyone's watching him yeah there's literally two guys watching him and he's two dudes from a podcast like go on regular guys go on get your dick sucked we'll wait you've got used to it because if you want that fucking farm and you want those save those buffalo you're gonna have to open your heart to this kind of shit yeah dude you're gonna have to get into this you're gonna have to know what's going on you understand so why why don't you take notes anyway welcome back from taking a piss back to christine now did you sit the pier did you stand i sat for you thank you thanks yeah all during show pisses have to be sitting down it doesn't matter here right now i'm opening for shame tonight everybody where if you're

there at the madison square garden oh Oh my God. We're there. Huh? We're all there. We're all there. Look out for everybody. Congratulations.

Thank you. Bobby Kelly is going to be at Lafitt up in Poughkeepsie this weekend. That hurts. Why? I'm going to be at the garden with Shane. Bobby's going to be in that town that never was. Oh. Do you want to, you know what?

Let's do it. Reverse. You do mine first after I say this. Okay. Hey, everyone, right now I'm opening for Shane Gillis. Then tomorrow, go ahead. I'm going to be at Poughkeepsie. No, no, no.

So you do mine. You said like yours were a letdown. We'll be, he's going to be at Chicago Improv in Schaumburg this weekend, sold out shows. I think there's only a few tickets left, right? And you have a matinee, right? Well, I didn't say, the whole idea was for you to take the shot down that you thought I was doing to you. No, you can't because you have great shows coming up. Are you in Picayne's show?

Are you in Poughkeepsie? I wouldn't do that club. I'm kidding. I love that club. Laff it up. I love that place. Yeah, of course. Yes, I will.

be in Poughkeepsie eventually. I didn't, when your career was there. I did it like months ago, yeah. No, I'm kidding. I love those guys too. Yeah, I'm going to be in Poughkeepsie this weekend. Great club right off the train. And then I'm going to be a comedy works, which is awesome.

That's a great club. And I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio, Batavia, Illinois. Just go to punchup. Dot Live slash Robert Kelly. And see Big J. Seanberg's this weekend, Daniel Beach, Fort Worth, Nashville. All you show is a. selling out. You kill it. No, not all

them are selling out. Well, Big J is the greatest Yapper alive tour. Yeah. Greatest Yapper alive. I saw your promotion and has the list of, hey, this is sold out. A lot of sold out shows. For Chicago this weekend, yeah. A lot of sold out shows. Congratulations, buddy. Thank you, Bobby. Yeah. And we love you guys. We'll catch you

next Monday. We're back Monday next week, right? We're doing it right. Whole week.