The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Kelly's Gift To Bobby

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

Bobby's crush Kelly Clarkson surprises him with a gift that has a deeply personal message on it. | Jay is in the market for a spinning wrist knife. | Singer Tate McRae is dating a hockey hero and the guys criticize her stage performance. | Bob has a spiritual vision just like the Native American Indians and Jay isn't buying it. | Jacob dated a fiery hippie who used crystals instead of deodorant. | Jay uses his creative talent once again to sketch the female anatomy. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, The Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. You know I'm all about Rock the Bell's Radio. I don't know what it was on, but I heard one of his new songs, and I liked it a lot. You know I like the R-O-X-A-N-E, the S-H-A-N-T-E, the S-H-A-N-T-E, Rock San Chante. And what's the show? Have a nice day. You guys are racist. We're not racist. We just don't have a fun. We're not autistic with music.

That's not music. That's the intro to her show. Oh, sorry. The R-O-X-A-N-E, and yes, you know that that is me. She's so excited. Can Black, look, is somebody find the Roxanne Chante's intro to her show? It's definitely on something. I like... She goes for it.

This is the O-P-Lumpas. We are... Right? I was always, it was O-We-O, O, but then I've always heard people... The old rumor was that all we owe, we owe her. Is this the O-P-Lumpa-Lumpus song thing, or is that the monkeys, the flying monkeys? Monkeys. It's the Flying Monkeys.

Flying Monkeys. Right, you're racist. Is it all we owe her or just oh we owe we owe? Oh. I don't know. That's a good question. People used to say that. They used to go, oh, they're saying, all we owe, we owe her.

Maybe. We owe, we owe her. Oh, we owe her. Oh, we. Who knows? This is a question for L.O. Cool, J, over Rock the Bell's. Radio. You guys don't listen to Rock the Bells because you're all super white,

but I listen to rock the bells all the time. Wu Wednesdays. We all just shook their heads. Roxanne and Shantase, have a nice day. DJ Epps on the weekend, the Saturday night drive. Come on. Chuck chill out. Chuck chill out, Jacob.

I know none of these people. Racism, dude. On Black History Month, Black, Lou, you hearing all this? They don't know what Chuck Chillout is. He doesn't. You know, kid from kid in place survived the heart trans, but emergency heart transplant. And he's back out performing.

He's got a new song, right? He's out performing. I saw him on doing something. Kid. Yeah, they were doing like a freestyle thing or some him versus play or something like that. Something like that, yeah. Yeah, he looks great.

The guy hasn't performed more since he's had the... He hasn't performed the last 20 years as much he's performed since his heart transplant. He had a heart... He had an emergency heart transplant. Jesus Christ. From kid, from kid and play. Isn't that wild?

It'd be funny if he had to get it from the other guy. He went and he said I'm... See either you or him. Play. Kid or play lives. God's taking one. God needs somebody doing it. and dance splits up in heaven.

House party four. I think there was a house party for. They may have gotten the four. Kid or play. Kid or play. Kid or play. Play is going to live longer than kid, my guess would be.

He just seems naturally in better health. Yeah. Always the better looking guy, too. Poor kid. He did all right, though. Was he ever married? Let's see if kid was ever married because he is a weird looking guy for sure.

What is he? He's like... Half black, half white for sure. Yeah. It's got to be. Yeah. No one's got that many freckles unless you're Morgan Freeman. He hasn't had freckles.

He's a risen little moles. Yeah, you know that? Kim Turner. Let's take a look. Those are gross. Let's take a peek. Oh, that's not her. Oh, that's not her.

Kimberly Turner, right? A kid's wife. Boom. Yeah. There she is. Children. What is she? We go up a little bit.

See right there. They marry. 2004. They're still married. She's a real estate agent. They have a kid. He did it all right. Good for him. Good for him. There they are in a little video here.

Let's see what this little video is so I can see how pretty she is. And she best be pretty. Oh, she's pretty. Yeah, she's pretty. Yeah, he did good. He's got a white guy neck. Yeah, he does for sure. Yeah, he did good.

Kid did good for himself. She's pretty. Yeah. Out there on the floor. I mean, they're aging now, but I mean, she's a pretty woman for sure. I bet they're pretty kids. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, they're a quarter white, huh?

That's not what I meant. And they're good dancers. Could you imagine that? A white guy with a big old black dick. Oof. Do you think kids got a big old, huge fat dick, or do you think that's where his white comes in? You think he's got an average dick? I think he's got a regular white guy dick.

Just an average dick. That would be the curse, wouldn't it? Yeah. Damn. Damn. It would look weird, though, with a big black-eyed dick, but it's white. Jacob, would you like to have a much bigger dick, but you have to have black guy hair, but on everything else in you is still your regular white? But black guy hair.

But you have to keep it George Jefferson style. Like just horseshoe. Hair is important to me. But you have a monster cock. Yeah, I think I take that. Why not? Do we know that Jacob doesn't have a monster cock? No.

There's no way. Forget about it. You think that would be his energy every day if he had a monster cock? It might be draining him. Oh, it's possible. It could be a burden dragging that log around. The reason why he's just a lump of shit is because he has a huge mule. He's dragging around every day.

Now I get, yes. I thought, and I may be wrong about this, but this has been something among the black community for a while. I thought Jewish men were known to have big digs. They can. They can. They can. It's not known as like black eyes. It's not usually of Jacob's stature or my stature also.

a monster piece. All my nephews. Howard Stern would always say that about his dad, say his dad had a big, big, huge fat cop. Well, let me explain. How do you know your uncle has a monster dick? Why doesn't he? That's why he also knows what ice cream costs.

Does I tell you? Not tell anybody afterwards. It was too. It wasn't good. Do you see your uncle's conk? I've seen it, yeah. Why? I mean, just peeing next to him.

Next to you looked? You looked over? You're going to look at your uncle's penis. Did it taste as good it looked? Huh? What a taste like? I wouldn't know. You said North Korea? I, um, is this the Roxanne Chante?

Give me a taste, dude. She lays it out. Yeah, let me know if this is right. No, this is just a promo. You gotta do the intro. Did we ever do one of these? And it's Chonte with S.H. So it might help the search. Man, Lou's not black at all.

You're the blackest person in this room. You dress the blackest? She's one of the godmother's. The originators of hip-hop. You got to show your love. It's L-L-U-N-E and E and this, have a nice day. Damn. Damn.

Oh, you could probably do, you know what? There's an easy way to do it. It will be on the app. Isn't this what the app is for right here this moment? This is so great. If I make this work right now, Bobby, and understand that someone I think technology is terrifying. So if I'm able to pull up Roxanne's Chante's intro, on series xm app right now right i'm amazing you're amazing but that makes the app amazing

also the app will be good also yes agreed so two amazings agreed now it's not loading up necessarily says that i'm offline we don't have internet in the studio yeah it says i'm offline that's kind of weird i've been trying to get internet in this studio for two years and all as i get is uh it's hard to get what the fuck i go to starbucks and get fucking blazing speed internet Nice day. Let's do a search for that. I can't get it in a multi-fucking billion dollar company. You can't get internet.

Everybody's on their phones right now. I says them offline. Well, I was trying to do the thing. Wow. Oh, you have the app? You have your thing's working? Have a nice day. The show's called.

Does it bother you while they're looking for that? Does it bother you when you come in and Jacobs playing the practicing drum, paradiddles? It does. It is done, so we will say something about it. I know, and I've never said anything about it because I walk in and he's, he's, the, his determination on his commitment, whatever it is that he carries a drumming pad

and his drumsticks in studio. Nobody practices as much for nothing. You're practicing for practice. You're practicing so we see you practice. Yeah, dude. No, my kid is in another state. What can I do? You know, an apartment.

I don't know. Do it when you're home? Drum at home? Oh, I do. You know, when you're alone all day long and night, do that. Yeah, that's what I do. Yeah, no, but when we walk in,

You're doing it and it bugs me. When you come here, you could just be present here instead of, you could do your paradigils for the other 22 hours a day. Yeah, dude. I don't know. Something's going to. It bugs me when I walk in. Something that's going to make you happy today. Well, it just bugs me because you like, you, and we come in, you don't put it right away.

You always do a couple paradigils. As I walk by, you go, do it, parodotidotil. You give them a couple tastes. You give them what you're working with. Most of the time, you're not, you don't walk in. Listen, I know, as soon as you see us walk in. You're banging a couple of 16th notes. Yeah, you are.

You gave me a couple today as I walked by. You gave me a da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, you go, hey guys, sorry, I was just whiplashing. What did you guys? Oh, you guys are early. I was whiplashing. I like to throw in a measure or two. Yeah, a little bit, a little taste.

What is that? A little taste for the good stuff. Maybe that will save your life one out on the train. They'll try to stab you on your drum pad. That'd be awesome, dude. Like Bernie gets and you kill a guy with your drumstick? Two drumsticks sticking out of assholes? Six.

Damn, dude. Are you going to take those? Viglante. If somebody tries to mug you, you're going to take your drumsticks out and do a little beat on the train chair? No, I have actual weapons on me. You do? Well, you know, I have to... Do your drumstick shoot out of your arms?

Click that. You have to carry a blade. You always got to carry a blade. Is your drumstick a drumstick slash knife? I did tell you guys, they do make the things that come out of your sleeve with your knife on it. I want it so bad. What are you going to do with it? Huh?

What are you going to do with it? What am I not going to do with it? I'm going to take back the night first. Jay, I think there was only work in the movies. Like, why wouldn't the knife go right through your hand? And then you'll feel like such an asshole. Because you have to go like that. The one I saw comes out and it spins also.

God bless you. Black, Lou, can you please look up retractable wrist knives, please? I guarantee in the lesson on how to use them, It's going to say you can't wear mittens. Oh, maybe. You have to wear a whole get-up. Here we go. Yeah, so what?

It goes around your waist, dude. More than enough. You got to keep a cup to it, air compressor on your back. You're going to have a whole thing on, dude. Dude, it's fine. Just get an automatic knife. Everything's fine. I do want you to walk around like this.

That's just shooting out throwing knives. Oh, no, yeah, this is delivering throwing knives. No, I don't want that. That is going to go through my hand. That's crazy what that guy's doing. And he's doing his fucking nuts He's gonna shoot like webs He's gonna shoot nine

That's crazy That'll go right through your hand He has to catch the knife As it shoots out That's out of control That's not what I was talking about Automatic wrist knife I like that

Yeah that's what it's called Automatic wrist knife I mean it does look cool But it's gonna be wild You can't wear it in the winter It's gonna get stuck on your puppy coat Now we're cooking And type in one that spins

Yes Why do you want it to You should have seen it. It was so cool when it spins. It comes out and just starts spinning in your palm. You're going to have to catch it, dude. Eventually you catch it. Oh, about that.

Oh, we need a VPN, dude. These sites are illegal. Look at that son of a bitch right there. We can bring up a woman shitting on camera, but not a spinning wrist knife. Yeah. You can't kill anybody with a woman shitting. Oh, yeah, look at this, Bobby.

Come on. So this is a knife, but how does it? What is it attached to your wrist? Straps? You're going to wear a strap. I mean, constant straps around my wrists and a forearm. It's just a couple of minutes of putting things on in the morning. Oh, my God, dude.

This is going to be great. You're going to slice your hand off. It's connected to your finger. Says you, dude. Dude, that's going to go right into your mittin, bro. No, look, it's not coming out. It's coming out. No, no, because look, it's where you put the hand has to go back.

Oh, you have to have a string. No, there's a string. No, there's a string. It's on a ring. The string is connected to a ring that it won't come out until you. you pull your hand back like that. Okay, and let me ask you something. Yes.

The blade comes out. The blade comes out. Now, where do you, you have to keep your hand like this? No. Because the blade is right where your hand's going to be. You have to be like this. No, no, no. He's not slicing somebody.

He's stabbing somebody. Yeah, you keep your head. But like this? Yeah, like that, for sure. If you put your hand in. No. Jacob, look, come on. Your hand could be like even here.

Your hand could be like this. It could be here. Look at the size of that. If this guy puts... If you make a fist like that, do your punches have a knife on the This is a perfect weapon. That's a double-sided blade. Don't get it, Jacob.

I'm gonna beat the shir of you in our knife fight. First of all, it's really cool. So stupid. Then you bring one of your stupid knives to this knife fight and see how fast I kill you. He's gonna shoot his out and you can shoot yours out and push it into his heart and then squeeze his tit and shake it. I'll squeeze your tit. I'm gonna choke you while I have a blade through your throat. Yeah.

I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna be shushing you with my finger while my blade is through your throat like that. You're shushing your mouth. Oh yeah. Go into the long good night. night except the long good night jacob i like it you know great one would be to open up your amazon boxes with that yes shink everything yes exactly oh i shouldn't know where i got it kink you're like fucking wolverine but from the wrist and go to your house for dinner and be like do you want your roast beef

thinly sliced or do you want a thick slice i'm saying it can't function underwater guys terrible news there my i'm saying it's better as a wolverine style on the outside of your your your your hand not you don't want it palm side well i disagree you want wolver wolvering because then your hand can move naturally. Agree to disagree. But they make a better one that actually... Spins. That comes out, but not with the ring, with rope.

It spins. All you have to do is cut your rope, and you're not going to be able to use that thing. Did you type of the one that spins, by chance? Hidden blade spins? Aren't most of them also, like, momentum style? No. Like you whip your arm out.

They have one that shoots out with a spring, like the... Yes. The Mac... What is it, the meck? What is the little knives that you push the button? What are those called? Also, one of them spins. Microtech.

I have a micro tech knife that you just push the button. I have it in New Hampshire, not New York, because they're illegal in New York. Wink, wink, wink. And you push a button and it shoots up, but it also retracts. You push the button and it sucks it back in. Yeah, mine does that. Yeah, that was great. I have a switchblade does that, but it's too big.

Yeah, I have a little baby one. No, mine's like this big. That's huge. So big, yeah. It's cool, though, but it's also a very difficult mechanism. They retract especially. To push it up and have it come out. it's not that bad. The retract is like you really have to almost like grab it with two hands and

Oh, the person's dead so you have the time. Yeah, yeah. At that point they'll be very dead. There, is that the spit? Is that the spin? Yes. Oh, yes. Hello. Now we're cooking with gas. See, this one's okay because the handle of the knife is where your palm would be. Look at the spin. Yeah, that's nice. Come on, dude. And I like the wrist thing is a little better. You guys can have it, I'm having it. Why can't we get it? Because I called it. You have to get different things Why can't we get the spin? I don't know

When Dan was here He got the Rambo knife And then I couldn't get it Well fucking So I found this is my spinning knife Oh you guys are gonna be so jealous When I wear this every single day But it goes back in though

How great is that? It's gonna look really weird When I have a tank top on Oh How does it deploy? Huh? How does it deploy? Shear will

You have to connect to your will? Yeah Shear will Do you have to go I guess you go, now's the time, and your body sends a signal. Do you have to go to the mountains of, like, Japan and be taught to focus your sheer will by a small Japanese man? Yes. Okay.

Yes, you do. All right. If you're going to laugh off the temple work, Bobby, you're not going to know how to use this. I'm not laughing off. I just, I don't want one now. Everyone's got to do their 10,000 hours of temple work. I don't have time to do my temple work. I don't have time to do it.

Why? Max can babysit himself now. You told me I can't get one anyway, so it's useless. Oh, look. It's durable. You can stab steel with it. It goes back in, correct? And then it spins.

And look, it shoots back in. Look. But wait a minute. Right there. That's the funnest thing ever. To shoot it back in. It shoots back in after you twirl it and show people you don't fuck around. So you could go to like a restaurant.

The guys, like, I'm not letting you in. And you can just shoot it out. And you go, oh, really? You go, oh, I guess I'll do it. And you put your arms out to your side. Like, oh, I guess I'll just accept that. And then two spinning blades come out. And he gets the message.

All of a sudden, oh, you know what, actually we just had a cancellation. Right. Exactly. Magically, there's a cancellation. He actually moves the stanchion right out of the way and let you in. Because he's aware that you now have spitting knives on your fucking wrist. And you don't give a fuck, do you found those in the world. But they go back in.

Oh, thank you. And they go back in. He says, please, nothing by the bathroom, you'll say, as you wish. Damn, this thing's resistant to fire, Jacob. I don't like stool. A knife that's resistant to fire and water. Can you believe it? Two elements.

It was just a lighter. It wasn't really fire. What are you talking about? I think it's fire resistant and spins. He just put a lighter on it for two seconds. I'm pretty sure it's not fire resistant. Fuck. Where do I get this?

My helies showed up, by the way. Did your helies get to your house yet? I didn't get any helies, dude. Why did she not get you helies? I don't know, because she didn't. She didn't get me helies. I got to learn how to healy, pronto. You get a helie by yourself?

No. I didn't get my helies. We have to get your helies, but they're ordered. I don't think so. She ordered them at the same time. Really? Yeah. Did she order them to my old house?

Because if she ordered them to some Asian lady right now on Healy's. It's possible? Listen, I don't want to insult Christine when she's not here. I like looking at her in the face when I make her feel small. Because you're a man. You're a gentleman. So it doesn't feel like when she's not here. You have honored.

That's why. Yeah. So when it's here, I don't know. I don't know. She may have made that mistake. But she's human. She's only human. Yeah.

But if she sent them to the other old address, that's nuts. It's possible. She'll make it right if she did. Right. Okay. Yeah, that's probably my fault. Yeah. Okay, you know what? Now I just heard her voice again and you're right. Fuck her, dude. What did she do this time? She blew it probably. Oh, did. How to healie? That's a thing. Okay, watch that real quick if you wouldn't mind.

You got to learn. You can't just heal it. You thought you were just going to healie? Well, I didn't know there was going to be a video where I could learn how to healie. Well, it was a video on anything. You can learn how to do anything. Pick anything. We can learn how to do it. I'm an old man, I guess. I trickled down that stuff, though, to Fanoia. Phanoia is like an older. man than me. I'm still talking my personality, he's not even age. But me blowing Mike away with the information. Thank God you finished that sentence. You guys just in the road. Me blowing Mike. We weren't snowed in. No, I blew him away with the information. He was like, yeah, I just got to find a CVS at some point because I got to get toothpaste and something else and whatever. And I was like, buddy, you don't have to go anywhere. I go, Uber Eats does like Walgreens and CBS and all that stuff.

He was like, no. I was like, yeah. I was like, yeah. I mean he's like anything I go anything except the prescription and you can get prescriptions delivered technically You can get supermarket food delivered yeah but he was blown away by the concept And then he just couldn't believe it he was like toothpaste came right to me Really? He brought me toothpaste the fuck I was like I order toothpaste sometimes I get a candle for my smoky room Maybe a can of tuna fish yeah I've been scared my last several weeks my daytime weed smoking is taking place primarily almost outside. Really?

And then my nighttime, I'll do it inside. Dude, it sucks outside. They scared me. They scared me that fucking, I don't want to get booted out of hotels again. They bitched you out? No, I still do it. I don't get a fuck. Bits you out?

They bitch you out of your daytime smoke? A little bit. They may have bitched me out of that a little bit. Well, as soon as it gets nice out again, you'll fucking do it. Fucking kick me out. You just don't want to walk through slushy snow across a highway in the freezing cold. I don't want to do that again. I didn't like that.

That sucks I didn't like that at all one bit I hate this weather I'm done I'm done I don't know if I can Even walking across the street to get food today When we had to walk back I was like fuck this Nothing good the bottom of my shoes are always wet

Can I uh... You're ready to use the Miami studio Let me know Let's just go It would kill me but I'll do it for you We would kill you really Would it kill you? Would it kill you or would you jump up in joy and scream

I think that was a sarcasm. You'd see joy for the first time on my face. For the very first time. Very first time. Joey Lagoina winning was pretty joyful. Yeah. See, the one thing that brought you happiness in years. Don't forget that gymnast.

What was that gymnast? Come on, Trinity. Yeah, Trinity. There you go. Soccer. The soccer. Sunday, the U.S. men's team. Oh.

Hockey winning the Olympics. That was great, too. You would have seen Joy for maybe the third time in my life. I loved it. I flipped out, too. You can't help it. They brought the whole country together for a couple minutes. Yeah.

Wasn't it great to be an American again? It was the best. I was asleep on a plane, but I heard it was great. It was great. Fantastic. Good for them. Those guys should get puck bunny. Medals?

Should they get medals? For scoring two points in three hours. Jacob. I mean, Jay. Pussy for the rest of their life, Lou. It's more than that. They lost teeth. I mean, look, a hot 25-year-old should ride them when they're 90.

I'm pretty sure they're getting that right now. Oh, they are. Yeah, they get it right now. One of them is dating a famous singer. They get to fuck the women's hockey team. Yeah. They made a bet. Oh, my God.

No one's got teeth. Everyone gives great blow jobs. Jack, he was just dating a pop star. Something with a tea. I can't remember the names. Taylor? Swift. Taylor.

Taylor. Taylor Sheridan? No. Taylor Danes? Taylor Danes? Taylor Danes? Taylor Danes? Taylor Danes?

Tate McCray. Oh, Tate McCray. Big Jim told me it. Who's that? He's a devil's star? Tate McCrae. She's hot. I don't know why she's famous.

Well, I do know why. She sings songs not good. She's not a good singer, right? But she just, like, she grinds her camel toe and everything. There it is. There, she's giving you her talent right there, Bobby. Yes, right there. I'll tell you what, that is a talent.

She's better be taking care of your man. Every performance you see of her. Bobby, I've seen her on a couple things now, just like award shows and stuff. Her performances are just like, want to watch me wet and writhing around the girl? It's not really singing anything. She's just like, she was a dancer first, and then they just like, they made her like a... Pop star? You know, which takes enough in a moment.

I want to see it. Can I see it? Is it worth? Dude, Tate McCrae coming on stage. Well, she's dating an American hero now. No, that's fine. She should feel grateful. I think her face is also just left of nailing it. She's hot, though. Undeniably hot.

Yeah, she's kind of cute. She's cute, but she's... A little goofy. A little goofy. He's got a little doof in her face. He's got a little doof. Might be beneath him now. This is her?

What is this at? I don't know. This is probably the beginning. It gets towards the end. One of the ends of any of these dances were just devolved into grinding her snatch on the ground. There it is right here. I don't know if she puts the microphone to her face at all.

Why is she covering her little stomach with that thing? Yeah. I'm worried about that. This outfit isn't what I was talking about. But normally, she's a real. ski skank type in live like an award show thing

yeah that might be it this might be the one where she really smashes her box into the ground your average buck bunny is yeah this is this where she's a real pig slut oh yeah I see what you mean yeah you see what I'm saying

oh my yeah she does have one of those British camel toes I don't know if she's British is she British? I don't think she's British now she's Canadian She's some dumb American bitch. What is she?

Canadian, you think, Lou? Yeah. Isn't that what you call black people? Secretly? So they don't know you're talking about them? No, it's me, Jay. Oh, all right. Yeah.

Yeah. Bobby won't go see the next Friday movie with me because it's so many Canadians there. Doesn't make any sense what you say out loud. Everyone knows what you're saying. Look at these guys. Jesus Christ. I know, but their dicks are not out, so I'm not interested.

I only care if I can know how big their dicks are or not. It sucks that all those guys. a shredder except for that third guy that sucks he's like ah fuck me watch now black people were taking care there you go

cameltoe moose knuckle big kick damn yeah she's a dancer she got the dancing not the singing parts holy shit yeah she splits gash a lot limber yeah I know it's wide enough though so her pussy lips don't expand beyond the borders of the panties you think she puts on a golly outfit

and he shoots his rope right at her face and she just to catch it, like a puck? America destroys everything Canadian. Does she's Canadian? Yes. That's official? Oh. Yeah, but her music sucks nuts.

Yeah, this stinks. It's also not for me. This is for a little girl. But I don't know if the performance is for a little girl because it's mostly about like, hey, look at my pussy. But who knows? Look at that one dude in the back with a little belly. That's so funny.

One of my foot put downs with Isabella when she was younger was not listening to Kesha. I'm like, I don't think she needs to hear this. Oh, yeah, this just devolves into her getting sand in her pussy. Ugh. Yeah. See, pussy sand.

All right, Jacob. Jacob, relax. Jacob, come on. Just relax. All right, pop. Just pop, dude. Just go. Look at that moose knuckle, though.

It's nice. Yeah, yeah. Whoa, that was pretty good. Yeah. Her pussy's really slurping up those stupid shorts. Jacob's going to download the album. Classic Jacob.

You think she has to wear those big little shorts so her pussy keeps sucking up little G-strings? I do think that she has to do it because her pussy is sucking up the G-strings. You can see that her pussy is definitely sucking things up. And the more she dances, I got to be honest with you. And the more it gets up there. I don't know how dancing. works but apparently it really

makes your clothes get swallowed up into your snatch hole. If you have a big snatch. If you have a big beaten out beefy Canadian snatch. She's probably been riding bison since she was 13. She is Canadian. Taping trees and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I bet she's a big pussy. This music stinks.

I don't even know what she's singing about. I say this. I bet she has a big pussy. And I'm to say this. I bet her pussy always smells like a little bit of ass. Go on. You have questions for me? Well, do you think that the ass... I think she's not a strong wiper. You think the ass juice from her dancing and then a not a strong wiper drips into her vagina and mixes with the vagina juice and makes a funky vagina ass juice? That's what you're saying. Yeah, I can't even add to that because yes, that is exactly what I mean, Bobby. I believe that...

She is not a strong wiper. She feels herself a little bit, so she thinks it's done. She thinks she has clean brakes. Right. She probably even says things like, guys, I barely have to wipe, but she does have to wipe.

She thinks she doesn't, because no one tells her her ass stings because she's doing flipsy flops and shit. But her ass smells, she has a little bit of poop, a little bit of kick cat stuck in there. Sour! You just get a little bit of sour.

It smells almost like not workout armpit, but it's just the lower part of the, you might have I draw? Yeah, please. We all love when you draw. I actually had a fan was wondering, is there any way we can purchase your drawings?

I don't know. I can be commissioned, I guess. Okay. Here we go. I'm doing a little clit hood here. Is it getting to her clit? That's up the top. Is it dripping down the sides and going around it,

like a little puddle? I don't know. And then they got the little fucking tonsil thing in the back. What's the tonsal thing? You really look down a pussy barrel? It was like a tonsile. Yeah, it does look like some type of Marion a trench fish mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

And this is where the ass hole will begin. Like a mouth, a mouth and a mouth. And I'm telling you, Bobby, yeah. Right. I'm going to really highlight the area. Right here. Strongier.

Smells like ass. Okay. Now I'm looking at I'm looking at it looks like she's sitting down. It would be sitting down for sure. First of all. Okay, you know, I don't think you understand what I'm saying. There's some bush up here a little bit.

I know, I see it. But this is legs going out here. Everybody can smell my dirty pussy. Maybe this leg's going back out there. So you can see, now you see a little more, right? Yeah, let me see. Even when she's not here, she's here. Okay.

You see the part that I would say smells like ass, right? Now. Now, can I ask a question? Yeah. Because it's coming from the asshole. She's not a strong wipeer. Little poop's coming out. And now it's going up into her vagina.

How is it getting up in there? It's not. Well, she's sitting down now. During the day, she's walking around. So, Bobby, the... It's dripping. Do you mind if I draw? Yeah, please.

Okay. Is it okay? Okay. What's happening here? Now I've got to draw the situation from the top, okay? You drew the... Dude. Okay.

Can I just say something? Yeah. I've seen so many the inside of vaginas, and I've never realized there is a, it's a pussy tonsil. It's a little pussy tonsil, right? That's so funny. Do you guys see the pussy tonsil right here? A little pussy tonsil? Did you see it?

Jacob, I know it's been a while, but right here. See the little pussy tonsil right in there? There's a little pussy tonsil. It's a little tonsil. It's a little tonsil. Yeah. When she sings the essential. think that vibrates like her pussy opens like a throat and oh blah blah blah okay bobby

like a punching bag now you'll see here this is a behind view okay let me see something put behind it so i could so you can see the dark here okay okay now you see the fluid from from from not great wiping is dripping while she's standing dancing doing whatever she's doing would be coming down from the from the asshole making A little shit river. And I'm going to show you the little mark right here again. Like a sweat shit river. This.

Into her vagina. Right here. Into the very bottom of vagina. Yes. Smells like ass. This is tape McCray. I should make me. I don't people think I'm talking about them.

I'm amazed at the eye that you two have the ability you have both of you have to draw so well. Do you see now? Oh, first of all, I love that you've, your attention to details nuts because you drew a vagina sitting down. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And then you drew a vagina standing up, which is a different... Well, you weren't understanding exactly what I was saying. Where is the ass smell coming from when I pointed to something that would be going up? I agree, that can be confusing.

I'm just letting you know... But what you did was is you drew different angles of a vagina and the different views that it has. Yes. The first one is sitting down. down, legs spread apart, vagina open a little bit, but then you drew standing up just a still vagina. From back, from the behind. Which just looks like a hamburger a little bit.

A little Homer Simpson mouth. And her asshole. So what you're saying is it drips down from here while she's standing right into the back seam. Yeah, it's not going inside. She's not getting an infection. It's just like the taint is coming down. Yeah. It's just riding right to edge of pussy.

And what is this? When it mixes with the vagina juice and the ass juice, what does that smell again? What does that smell like? The vagina and the ass juice? Oh, I mean, like it smells like it's like spicy. Like it snaps you in the face with it a little bit. You know what I mean?

Musky? Maybe not musky. When someone's armpit smells like it hits you, you know what I mean? Like that's like got a spiciness to it almost. Yeah. Like some type of. Sour. Some like Indian food or something.

Curdled. Curdled. Some curdle dairy of some sort Alcoholic puss Redhead Beautiful redhead girl I used to know A woman she's beautiful Back in the acting days

But you have to say beautiful for a redhead No she was very pretty For a redhead I like redheads Okay but for a redhead For the rest of the world Beautiful for a redhead You're also not allowed to judge anybody now

Why? If you love redheads But she did not use regular deodorants used the crystals and I couldn't it hit me like five feet away. Yeah. She used what? Crystals? You have to wet this crystal

and wipe it on and it doesn't work at all. Listen, if you don't want to smell America you have to open yourself up to cancers. Yes. I don't know what this crystal was but it didn't do nothing. I can tell you what is. It's called mental illness is what it is. You were in love with a...

I think it's definitely. called dumb bitch. Yeah, crystals do nothing. It did nothing, yes. Well, that's called the mindless ramblings of a dumb ginger. But she would actually say, she goes, oh, I forgot to put the crystal on. Speaking of crystals, can I say something to you without you attacking me or judging me? Of course.

I think in a past life, I'm opening up to you now, dude. Okay. I think in a past life, I might be, I might have been Indian, American Indian. Native American Indian. Okay. I've been... And this is mostly based on the fact that you just started watching a show

with Indians in it? That's a coincidence. Okay. I'm going to tell you... No, that's a coincidence. I'm going to tell you... I had a couple things happening in me this weekend that I didn't know

if I was going to tell you, but I think I need to tell you. Did you see a dead animal and its soul jumped into you? No. Okay. Did you kill something with a bow? I've been having visions.

Really? Yeah. Of what? I was sleeping two nights in a row. That's called a dream. Nope. You got to hear me and go with me a little bit, Jay. Okay?

Vision. Not a dream, vision while you were sleeping. You had a vision while you saw something while you were sleeping. Now you're going, listen. I won't call it a dream. Listen, Jay, this is what you're doing. You're going down the route. Wait, you're going down the J route.

Let me. Let me, I'm going to, I was, okay, I'm going to tell you this. I was sleeping on the couch and I was awakened by the car being started. I heard my car being started and I heard the engine on. And then the next night I was awakened by a flashlight in the backyard up in New Hampshire. Now, when you see a light up in New Hampshire, it's not a good thing. Because there's nobody up there. It's just us.

That's definitely your killer. Right. Yeah, if you see lights coming down the driveway at night in New Hampshire, you're... No, the militias found you, and they're going to do what they have to do. Yeah, you're about to be murdered when you see it. And I woke up to having lights, like, behind the house there, like, almost like. And I woke up, and 100% it happened. Now, when I got up...

So much so that I got out of bed and went down... stairs and I checked the doors and I checked it, you know, everything and I wound up going over to the safe. Jacob, what's good? Why are you laughing? Are you laughing? No, I appreciate the music. DJ was like. Okay. He's laughing. He's laughing. I'm not. And I got down and got my gun, my 380 out and I was actually like, oh my God, somebody's here. And the next day with my car starting, it woke me up from, It really happened. Now, when I got up and checked, the car was not on. It wasn't running.

And when I got up and checked around, there was nobody in the back. But I had a vision that it really happened. What does Native American got to do with it? Was there an arrow on the seat of the car? Because, no, because it's a vision. But it wasn't. Was it a teary or something? Native Americans have visions.

Thank you, Jay. First of all, Jay, you're intense staring at me and listening to me right now. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you because I didn't want to tell you this. I was afraid to tell you this. You know what I mean? I could tell Jay. I could tell Jacob and Lewin. They'd be like, oh, and they'd blow it off.

And as soon as I left, be like, what the fuck's wrong with him? You're right now listening to me. I want to understand. I'm trying to make you understand. Is that regular white people don't have visions. What's wrong? Sorry, I was almost biting my finger off trying to laugh at what you were saying. I'm sorry, I'll get back, I'll get back to it.

I mean, I'm just saying, I'm just trying to say, I'm just opening up here. And look, this is vulnerable for me, man. I don't want to say this shit out loud. I should just bury this and just, I should just not talk about this. I should just pretend it never happened. And I don't want to do that. I want to... No, you should tell somebody.

I want to tell you guys this. I want to tell you this, Jay. I'm pretty sure that I'm having visions. Like, you know, seeing something, like some, some other... But there's no... What is connecting you to your ancestors? Because... Is there a casino?

Regular white people don't have visions. It's a vision. That's a Native American thing. visions. I'm seeing stuff. No, it's not, I'm telling you, it's not a dream. I have dreams. This happened like, and I, I, I heard it. Like, I was awake. It woke me up. Yeah. And I saw it. I saw the lights. I was there, but I wasn't, you know what I mean? And then I, I woke up and I heard my car start. And I was awake when I heard that. And I heard the engine. And then I went. And then I went. over and it was not on, but it was a vision.

It was something, I don't know what it means. What do you mean? I don't know because I'm not in touch with that part of me. Maybe I need to get in touch with that part. Maybe I need to see somebody, a shaman, or go to, you know, the Navajo Nation and sit down in a hut and sweat it out. I don't know. I would want to be there for you to do that. I'm just saying that I'm having Native American visions.

What's wrong? I'm hitting bone. Jesus Christ, Jay. You know what, forget it. Forget it. I'm not, I don't want to, I don't want to, I'm a, you know, forget it. What? Forget it. No, no, no, no. It's okay.

No, no, it's okay. It's okay. No, I shouldn't, I should have kept it to myself. What? I should have kept to myself. I apologize. I apologize. Because I opened up this thing that you guys don't understand. And I don't blame you. I don't blame you, Jay. You don't understand it either.

I do understand that it was a vision. Christopher Walken had visions What do you mean? In the dead zone He had visions If you touch me can you see how I'm going to die Yeah I know it AIDS

No stromboli Ah shit Fucking stromboli Major stromboli accident It's a fucking stromboli accident Dude Fucking Christ Not the stromboli

Is this There's so much salt in it that I imploded. It sucked so much fluid out of me, my body turned inside out. Yeah, you just woke up and you're Christine, sorry, your ankles were blown out. Yeah.

Oh, God. Well, can tell you something? I've definitely had visions that I've died from Stromboli. Me too. In fact, most people who meet me say, you're probably going to die from Stromboli or something like that.

And then you go, Stromboli, you go, whatever, Calzone, pizza, Taco Bell, whatever it is. He's dying from it. I'm Jay die. Strambole. Yeah, but I take my prep now.

Now I take prep. It's called Mujaro. That's my prep so I don't get fucking fat aides. It's all an analogy. That really... That really did happen, though. I did have... I woke up...

I swear to God, I woke up two nights in a row. It's dream. I woke... But it was... You know you know you're dreaming, right? But then you wake up and you're up... It's the same... But it's the one, Bobby, that, like,

I've had this a lot. I don't even know I'm falling. asleep you're watching TV you're falling asleep and then you start having a dream when you're barely asleep and have you not had this at all you're falling to me it's always like falling off the thing so like my legs like kind of on the edge of the couch and I feel a thing I mean I brace like like I was getting like being pushed out of an airplane or something how much I brace for it and it's like well right that's a dream well this was I'm sleeping and I woke up I was up because I heard the car start and then I heard the engine on it feels it

Fucked me up so bad. I got out of bed in the middle of the night, went downstairs, went outside to see if the car was on. You had a waking dream. And then the next night I had another one. That was the second night. The first night was the dream where I was up. I felt like somebody was outside. I woke up and saw flashlights in the back.

And I was like, somebody's here. And I flipped out. I'm not doubting your vision. I'm doubting. I don't understand this connection. you feel like to the Native American community. That's because he's watching the show. No, that's not because I'm watching the show.

And how could you? You're a white man. That is true. Fucking colonizer. You're a white man. You're a Boston white guy. That's worse. In this life.

In this life, I was. You came back a colonizer. Yeah. Like the worst colonizer ever, you came back. Yeah, maybe I, look at the last life. Before that, he was dances with dicks. that's going to show up on the internet that's going to be fucking chat cheapit

some fucking fat-fingered asshole just jumped on his phone right now Bob Kelly dances with dicks in a past life though dances with dicks I know I would we know that I was in the I was in the old west I had a psychic tell me that

I've always connected with the 1800s and before I was in connected how You like pissing in a pot next to your bed No, I just love that time of America The 1800s is a far I just love that I would love Why we never see Dawn

She's dressed as a chamber maid when you go home I would love the AI of you being the crying Indian When you see the garbage First of all First of all not Indian he was Italian Sicilian Fucking piece of shit was a Sicilian Squintiel

What really? That was just a fucking crying guinea Was that Indian not an Indian guy Is that true? Yeah he's just Italian It's not an Indian guy. No, they never used Indians in anything. We used Jewish people and Italian people.

Well, we killed most of them. Now we have to play them. Well, now they use Indians now, but some of them are Lexington. Well, I've told you, I've said this before when I watched old episodes of Airwolf, and they were fighting Islamic terrorists. But they were, you watched the credits, and their last names are Martinez. Yeah, they're Spanish. All Spanish. Well, if you watch the old

Westons and the Indian chief comes up, it's just a guy with a Jewish accent, what do you come here for? You attack my Medes. And it is so great. I forgot Fisher Stevens played the fucking super Indian-y guy

in short circuit. Fisher Stevens. I'm sitting here fucking hot. I've been hot since I got in here. And I look over at Jacob and he doesn't have his blankets and shit on. And I realize Christine's not here to protect us. from Jacob's fucking heat button.

I have my blanket on. It's up there. It's hot. I know we have to go to commercial break, but before we do. Put that thing down to freezing cold. Can I give Bobby something that he has here? What?

Who got this for him? Liam. Liam? This is very sweet. Because you refused to come see... I didn't refuse. You refused. I didn't know.

You chose family. You chose family. I mean, the opposite of what you... That's exactly what I should do. Liam on his own ran across the street to get this. You chose the past instead of the future. But yet, this was picked up for you. And go on.

What do you see there? What do you see there? You want me to read it for you? No. It's a lot of words. It's in her and her. It's in her. It's in her.

This is from her handwriting. It is. Yeah. It says Robert. Mm-hmm. Dream big. What's it on? It's on a Kelly Clarkson show mug.

They're now defunct. And it says her name Kelly Clarkson signed. What's it say again? Robert. Dream big. You should get that tattooed on you. Like the with the mug part? lung part? No, no. Oh, just

just, just listen. Robert Dream big. What she said to you, not even Robert. Just dream big. Dream big. And make it very prominent on your body. Like on my forearm? I think you should get it on your forearm and going down. Make it like... Because this is to me. Maybe just DB, like the acronym. Because this is what she said to me. That's what she said to you. This was for you. It says Robert on there. But what if it's a scenario like a Joderosa where he thought George Collin wrote... No. Do you think that could be the case? And then he feel like...

I wasn't even thinking that could possibly be the case. You know, that he says that to everybody. That's what he signs. Okay, no, I don't think this is at that situation. I think that was directly to you. And I think you should not ask many more questions before you get that forearm tattoo. Okay, but let me ask a question, though.

But what if she wrote this on everybody's thing? Okay, then I can answer you with one question. Yes. A picture of the death star covers everything. Okay. I don't know if I want to get that. I don't, I'm not a big star word, yes. Okay, but Joe is.

Is this weird that I had visions of a car starting and people coming with, I had visions this weekend. And now I have this. I was dreaming big, Jay. I was doing what, when did she sign this? Friday. You're dreaming big, Bob. You dreamed of a home invasion.

Yeah, big dreams. That's not what she means. She doesn't mean have big, crazy dreams of terrifying your family with running around, answering your paranoid delusions in the middle of the night. Dawn, wake up, Max, wake up. Just people have signed with flashlights. Car starting, start, go. Go.

Go. The flashlight. It's Kelly looking for me. Her love looking for my love. All I know is. And the car starting. Get the fuck out of here, dude. This isn't your life.

Come find me. I have a feeling. She's very familiar with your work. Yes. And that's why she wants you to dream big. Oh, God. She wants you to dream big. Thank you so much, man.

I appreciate it. I know. I'm not thanking you. I'm thanking Liam. Okay. Liam, I really appreciate this. This means the world to me. And I'm going to drink my coffee out of this every day

because I'm manifesting this woman into my life. How did she know those were the words Bobby needed to hear? Dream big. Oh, thank you, Kelly. Dream big, Daddy. Thank you. Oh, if she wrote Daddy, I'd fucking lose it right now. You can't drink out of that.

Don't drink out of that. I'm drinking out of this. Then you're going to have to wash it and then it's going to fade. Why do I have to wash it? Because you're going to have fucking your lips all over it. Any filthy handprints of there all over? Okay. Get a tattoo of the mug with the writing on your forearm.

Such a perfect. With the mug. With the mug. Maybe I should get this in my whole. heart. I think you should need your heart. I think the important thing though is you get that personalized message to you. Dream big. She could have wrote anything.

But we've got to make sure she's, this is what she writes. Bobby, there's no way that she just thoughtlessly writes, dream big is something to say and just cast off everybody who bothers her for an autograph. There's not a fucking chance that's the case. That she wasn't turned completely away with her lower body, reaching back like this. Reaching back like this to sign something.

Almost breaking her back. because she didn't want to engage any more than she had to. Just enough shoulder and look at this twist, Bobby. Jacob, look at this twist. Turning backwards to go, what's his name? No. Don't fucking ruin. She didn't say that.

That's not what happened at all, dude. She called me Robert. I know. She gave you the one she slept with, too. She slept with that. She called me Robert because that's how Liam knows me, not as Bobby. What's his name? Robert, I think.

Robert Patrick Kelly. All right, we're going to take a break. Dream big. Big Jay is going to be in San Antonio this February. This Friday and Saturday, and I was trying to get that before you said that. 27th to 28, this Friday and Saturday, San Francisco after that, Jacksonville, Madison, for all tickets and tour dates. BigJ Comedy.com, YouTube.com, slash at Big Jokeson for his live shows and a special.

Go check it out. Get your tickets now. And Bobby Kelly is going to be at the Comedy Vault in Batavia, Illinois. This weekend, Friday, Saturday after that, comics roadhouse in Connecticut, Mohegan's son, Cleveland, Ohio, Long Island, New York, and so much more. For tickets and all those tour dates, go to Punch Up. Live slash Robert Kelly. Check out his YouTube at Robert Kelly Comedy.