The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Let Us Be Fat (feat. Brian Scolaro)

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Jay is incensed that no one will sympathize with him over his team's NBA playoff loss. Comic Brian Scolaro is back with a new special and a sexy story about Pam Anderson. FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. It's a very fitting song. Why is it very fitting? This is my curse. To lose? I didn't lose. Sixers didn't lose really. Oh God.

What was the score? 104 to 101. Who won? The Nets. Who lost? What? I'm just running. I didn't watch the game.

The Sixers are down 2-0 in the series. They lost. I mean, no. Who lost? The Sixers. The Sixers lost. No. They lost. Who won?

The Knicks. Can there be two winners in a game? No. So the Knicks won. So the losers are... So the losers are... So the losers are... So the losers are... Satisfaction

Satisfaction Satisfaction Is that the score they lost by? Is that the score they lost by? Is this your heart last night at the end of the game? Christine even had to fake a little bit less of Give a shit than normie. She watched five minutes of the total game, but she watched the most important five minutes of Horrible sadness by the time she got involved Sixes are already been up by like ten and then we're down It's down when I started like really paying attention I'm saying they were up at ten at one point and then they were down.

And Christine saw like the last few, they were down by like, I'm gonna say 14. Let me ask you a question. Cause when I used to watch the Pats play, my stepdad Larry, if we were winning and you were in a certain part of the house, you had to stay there. I've done that.

Now as Christine comes in, you were winning, and then she comes in, do they start losing? No, but she's a mush to video games for me. She's a video game mush for me. Very distracting. I could be doing great, and then she just comes in, and something about her energy just makes me fail. I don't know what it is, but I fail in her presence.

Is it the disappointment she has in her eyes that the man she loves is playing children's games? No. No, it's not that. And not, you know, fixing a house or doing manly stuff that you literally have a headset on and yelling at other kids? Me playing video games isn't a big household issue. I don't really sit and play video games while Christine's like not doing something else. Right. Does that make sense?

Yeah. But the Sixers game, especially playoffs, like it's happening on the big TV. Oh, Christine also does this when she walks by, it's not consistent. When she walks by the TV, which is some reason needs to be a thousand times when I'm playing a video game. Sometimes she does the weird, she stops in front of the TV waiting for for some reason needs to be a thousand times when I'm playing a video game.

Sometimes she does the weird, she stops in front of the TV waiting for a moment to walk, but something about the way she stops is just... Passive aggressive. It's passive aggressive. Yeah. She sits there, she goes, I guess I'm waiting for the time where this little game is done. And then I have to hit pause and go, walk, go walk across, it's fine, go. And then sometimes she just starts like lighting candles and shit with a complete body in front of the television while I'm playing, I'm like, what are you fucking doing? I mean, that's nuts, Christine.

Well, it's either gotta be the sarcastic, I'm trying to let you get to a spot where you can pause, energy, or the flat out like, I don't give a shit about this, I don't care where it's at in the game I'm gonna walk in front of it No in between And usually Christine will argue if I'm not nailing it. She knows I'm right

No, I if I if I just walk then I end up fucking something up And then if I stand there you think I'm being a bitch so it's kind of a lose-lose I'd love there to be like a different room for you do have a different room Don't you have a different room that you can go in? Yeah, but I've it's the lit you. You do have a different room. Don't you have a different room that you can go in? Yeah, but I've, it's the, he plays video games in the living room. So if I have to feed the dog. Yeah, but you like to lay down all the time anyway.

If I have to. Why don't you go lay up at the bed where you can lay down the way you love? You don't have to be upright. I don't, I could be in the kitchen and there's something about me in the room while you're playing video games. Oh no, no, that's for sure.

That's not just the TV walking in front of the TV. Her energy, if she's in the room. When you hear, that's for sure. That's not just the TV walking in front of the TV her energy if she's in the room When you hear when you hear this? Yeah, I'm just like this I just go She's here and then I started thinking about that stuff and then I just and then I stop I lose focus in the game I lose I've gone to hide in the other room so I don't rush your game. I appreciate that. What game do you play?

NBA 2K. All right. Or Madden. Do you win when you play? The Sixers win when you play? I'm sorry. They're doing pretty good. I'm sorry.

They're up 3-0 in the series to the Orlando Magic in 2K. That's great in 2K. So you'll win in 2K. Well, this is round one. And it looks like yes. The odds are in my favor that I am gonna take game four. In the 2K.

But the odds are not in your favor. Odds are very in the favor. I bet the Sixers are favorites for sure, Thursday at home, for sure, especially with like, they're pissed. Ooh, they're pissed. So if they- Ooh, I'm pissed. Why did you say it It's not their fault

Listen you could argue. It's their fault because they didn't they could have been up by like 15 They didn't win 20 cuz they didn't win, but they came back from down in New York. Yeah with One play one star player sick other star player Is dealing with a knee thing that's like debilitating as hell it seems they both still scored 35 points plus a game this game each just not enough I'll describe what happens to you and tell you what's going on the last that's too far away these are the highlights you got to get to where it's like the Knicksicks look happy. Right here, right here.

You can start playing it from right here. Now I'll tell you what happens. There's that. Wait, go back. Go back 10 seconds, because that's the first thing that started making it bat shit crazy. Can I stop for a second? Yes. Phila?

That's how you abbreviate Philadelphia. Phila? That's how you abbreviate Philadelphia. Phila? That's how you abbreviate Philadelphia. But why would you, why would you, why would you, why would you do phila? I don't know, that's the postal thing. That's the dumbest shirt I've ever seen. Phila.

Sixers is the shit. Talk to the forefathers. I don't know what to tell you they didn't say they would the fourth first of all none of them would ever say Phila postage Phila period PA Philadelphia PA that was my address when I was young yeah Phila yeah Yeah, it's an abbreviation for Philadelphia. It's stupid. OK. On a shirt, Phila. Well, that's like if I got a shirt that said boss. No. Boss?

No, it's like having shirts that say boss done. It's two syllables. Phila. Yeah, two syllables. Just put the Philadelphia. They do sometimes. Sixers. Some of their jerseys do have that.

Why would they ever go Phila? Because it's the City Edition. I hate it. OK. Let's leave the jerseys out have that. Why would they ever go Phila? Because it's the City edition. I hate it. Okay. Let's leave the jerseys out of this. You like it? Oh, no, I think the Sixers have the worst colors in sport.

I hate that. Everything I buy from the Sixers is not Sixers colors. It's red, white, and blue, but just like in the most stars and whatever. I've never, except for that one, like maybe five, six year run with Alan Iverson when they had the black jerseys were great I like the red white and blue Sixers. That's a great it's just cuz you hate America. I know I hate America

I know you do. I hate these fucking referees. You hate America. You hate the garbage. You don't like the men in blue This is fucking insane All right, let's go. Let's see. It was up by five five points up by five with 31.3 seconds left Jalen Brunson from the corner. Hasn't hit a three all game by the way. He's actually doing pretty bad except they give him every foul he possibly tries to go for. Go ahead please play it, Christian. He shoots a shot. Look at this lucky shit.

Hits the side of the rim. So, now it's a two point game. Why is that lucky? Don't get mad at me. Why is it lucky? You don't get mad at me. Why is it lucky? You not get mad at me. I'm not, I don't play for the Nets. What's the Knicks?

God damn it Bob, you're a check. Whatever they are. You're looking at them. Get hot. You are getting hot. I'm just saying. What are you saying Bob? I'm saying that he threw up a three and it went in.

Right, it's lucky. How is it lucky? He's a professional. If I did it, it would be lucky. This guy's a professional. If you did it, it would be lucky, correct. If you did it, it would be lucky. He shot it and it luckily went in.

No, you're not aiming for the front of the rim and it took a good bounce, the shooter's role. Listen, Jaylen Bronson's great. Okay, so the shot goes in, now they're down by two with 27 seconds left. Games, technically over, they gotta start fouling. They have to start fouling. Go ahead, Christine, now if you would.

Foul. Kyle Lowry, inbounds it into the tires, it's messy, foul, grabbing him, ripping his jersey, throw him to the floor. Yeah, but Jay. No referee. Calling. They should have got that rebound for sure. That would have been a big difference

if they got that rebound. But they didn't. But the entire time, the coach, the team and the coach are calling time out. All right, let me ask you a question. Should I go back? Please. Go back! Just let me ask you a question.

I'm sorry I'm yelling, Christina, it's not you. I know. Let me ask you a question. Goddamn refs. Go ahead. So there was a foul, but they didn't call a foul. There was six fouls. Six.

Here's the thing. The Knicks, as they're supposed to, now I want you to look, you see the gray pants, show them where the coach is, Christine. Knick nurse. Right here. Looking at the referee. Yeah, I'm looking right at him.

Calling timeout. He's dressed ridiculous. He's wearing a black shirt and I'm looking right at him. Calling timeout. He's dressed ridiculous. He's wearing a black shirt and gray pants. It's stupid. It's not that stupid. He's a coach. It couldn't be more basic.

He should be in a suit. No one wears a suit. All right, well, you know what? Then dress better. He's dressed fine. He looks like he's watching a golf thing. He's dressed pretty much like everybody else who's a fucking thing. Well, whatever.

That's why they lost. Yeah, they don't have to wear suits anymore. That's why they lost. Why did that change? COVID. So... Yeah, well, that's lazy. I don't know if that's true. That's why they lost. When did that change? COVID. Yeah, well, that's lazy. I don't know if that's true, even. He's a bum.

But it's changed. He has no money, he gambles. The players don't have to dress up for the press conferences anymore either. You can go and get a t-shirt and shit. Doesn't matter. Now, they're calling, now the team's not calling a timeout here, but Nick Nurse, the coach,

is currently giving timeout, looking right at the referee. They don't give him the timeout. Kyle Lowry inbounds it, because it's gonna be a five-second violation. He inbounds Tyrese Maxey. Now, the Knicks here pretty much have to foul to stop the clock.

What do they have to do? Foul. Foul? To stop the clock. I have to explain all these sports to you. Okay. They are clearly intentionally fouling. Look at this stop right here. He's ripping his jersey. He's pulling his jersey. They're failing on purpose. So you think they

at least get the foul call. The coach wants to advance the ball so he's calling time out. Now play it again Christine. Calling time out. He doesn't listen. Now they foul the shit at him on purpose. And they just don't call a foul The ref still calling timeout It's insane and then this guy hits a great three the demon chenzo all credit clutch three That was a good three. The other one was a lucky three games over Games over. Okay now I miss a shot Game's over. Okay, now I...

They miss a shot, Tyrese Maxey misses right here, gets blocked by Hardenstein, and then they go down and you have to foul them. And they hit the other two shots, that's the game. Un-fucking-believable. Now, why don't you play Joel Embiid, what he said in the press conference, and then Nick Nurse, our coach in the press conference. Because I think there's a little bit of a gripe here. And I'm telling you, you just did it, New York you you just did it New York you just did it

you just woke the crack and you know why they didn't call it the timeout for the coach there yes because they're probably bet on the game no because he looks like a fan the way he's dressed no maybe he was dressed in a championship coach maybe if he was dressed in a suit they were in suits Bob it's the only two people who are standing up all right all right all right, Jay. I'm sorry, Jay. He's standing. You can't just stay on the court if you're not a coach. I'm playing devil's advocate. Stop.

Suits command respect, Jay. Huh? Suits command respect. I mean, look, if you're on the sideline with a suit, then the ref knows who you are. He looks like a fan just jumping up and down. You're going to...nobody else is wearing a suit, so he would have stood out. Yep. That's why they wear suits.

Should wear a, like Pat Ross. They're staring at him. They're staring at him. Unless you pointed it out, he just disappeared. Right, because you're a guy who doesn't understand basketball or anything, and these are professional referees and coaches. So they know exactly who they're supposed to be looking at.

Not joggers, slacks. Yeah, but he's wearing golf slacks. Sure. He's wearing golf slacks. Sure. He's wearing golf slacks with a shirt. He looks like a fan on the sideline. Why don't we take a look at the coach for the Knicks, please. Please, or not the Knicks, the coach for the Celtics. Sure.

Yeah, take a look at the Celtics. I bet he's probably in a three piece or something, right? No, or is he a guy they had to throw in the office because the other guy was fucking bribing girls to suck his dick in the fucking locker room. What's wrong with that? Is that against the rules? Well enough that they fired the coach mid season.

Yes it is. Suit. Suit. Yeah, because Christina, I'm not sure why you went to a game highlights. Oh, well I thought you wanted the game on the sidelines. No, and you can just go, you don't have to go everything on YouTube either.

You can just look at a picture of the coach. He's probably wearing a suit. He's not wearing a suit. Maybe a mock turtleneck? No. Maybe a- Bum bitch. Maybe an ascot.

It's actually an old school accoutrement. Oh, sick suit. Oh, this guy's wearing fucking athletic gear. What's the one over there? Yeah, that's at a press conference. Wearing a suit. Press conference. Yeah, but the other stuff, is that a fucking- That's him athletic gear. What's the one over there? Yeah, that's at a press conference. Wearing a suit. Press conference. Yeah, but the other stuff is at a fucking...

That's him getting hired. That's him during the game in a suit. The other one's at a practice. No, those are all games. Not many people come to practice, Bob. You're trying to defend something, it's in defense of... Suit, suit, suit, suit, suit. Dock Rivers years ago.

Suit. For sure. I think Bobby's saying like, okay, the same thing could have happened to Boston because he wasn't wearing a suit either. Nope. Because referees are supposed to do their jobs. The coaches or the referees are supposed

to know what they're looking for. And twice, he's looking right at him. Both times he called time out, the coach, and they did absolutely nothing. And Bede, what do you think about all this? Tyrese got fouled a couple of times. We just had the same thing happen against Miami with Tyler Uwe, that's just unacceptable too.

Put us in that situation. What a fucking unacceptable. I'll tell you what it is, it's unacceptable that a grown man has his head down like a little child going My face won't you say to his ring him in In I will I'll throw an Adelaide right at his chest will you now? Yeah, you won't do this guy grew up fucking chasing lions and shit. I'll fight a gazelle This guy is seven foot tall dude. I'm five eight now kick him in his nuts. You won't you shit. I'll fight a gazelle this guy seven foot tall dude

I'm five eight and I'll kick him in his nuts. You won't you know what I'll do I'll slap him in the face be a man just you know next time you give it a press conference mark my words Joel And be would beat the shit out of you Bobby whatever Whatever I don't like what you're saying and I want you know that Joel and be would fuck you up dude He's stopped saying otherwise. He's a baby. He's a baby with his head down. Grow up. You got three.

How many more games left? Four? Five? Well, they have to win four of the next five. So they got five games yet. Why don't you be a man like Jordan, a bird. You didn't see Bird or Jordan with their heads down crying after game two.

He's not crying. He says they're going to win the series. Go back. Listen to his little baby voice. Listen to it from here. Baby voice. He's not crying. He says they're gonna win the series go back listen to his little baby voice listen to it from here Baby voice he's already cursed Unacceptable in the playoffs look at him Everybody on the floor is calling timeout coach on the sidelines

On the sidelines because he gives a fuck. Yeah, we'll give a fuck next game and win it stop You're fucking pretty face Jason Tatum with that fucking Indian girl hair. Oh fuck the Celtics Also, they're catching shrapnel now because you're not taking my side blindly I'm just saying as a grown man in a championship game and a playoff game. God damn it. It's a playoff. It's a New York Knicks Robert. Dude. Dude if you get a if you if the other team gets more goals than you then that's the way it goes. I can't listen. No. No, listen, dude. Seriously. This shit is unacceptable. You can't be happy with a grown man crying like that after game two.

No, it's not. He's not crying. He's cursing. He's furious. Am I crazy? Black Lou, black me up. Is this guy a baby right now? Black Lou's not gonna take your side on this. Black Lou understands sports. Is he holding his head? He's the only person in this room who understands sports. Black Lou, as a champion, as a guy, as the motherfucker, you lost the game. Yeah, the refs fucked.

That happens all the time in games. As a man, you do an interview, are you going to be like, look, wouldn't you be more in the, like, the refs did this, but next game it's on. That's exactly what he does. Yep, but his head, he's cool. No, you're not listening to him. Black Lou.

He says, we're winning this series I've watched it eight times. I'm talking to Lou, but you're giving him bad fact. I am NOT He's looking right at the screen when I'm looking at giving him bad facts Let me ask you questions go back to the interview his head holding his head like that. Is that just bitch shit? I mean, he's an emotional guy Injured right now is he is that bitch shit? I'm asking you No, I think if your son was doing that if you're so you know, and we lost the game and me he's not crying I'd be mad at max. I'd be get your head up. He says everything right right hang on. What's it right? Yes. Thank you

Yeah, but you're talking you're arguing a moot point. That's not continue to play this. He says all the right things Yep, does he stop holding his head? No. I say that's unacceptable. How do you try to bounce back as you guys head home and try to try to sing around? We should be two and no. So, you know, we're gonna win this series.

You know, we gonna win this. We know what we gotta fix. We did a better job today, so we're going to fix it. But we're the better team, and we're going to keep fighting. Do you feel like you need to say anything to? What did he say before? Didn't pick his head up at all. Tyrese, specifically, coming through that moment there.

There's obviously going to be a lot of scrutiny on him coming out of the game. No, I mean, he did his job. That's on the league, that's on the NBA, that's on the freaking Wifowes. The freaking Wifowes. I hate to put the game on them. But I'm sure the two minute before it's gonna come out, then we're gonna see what happens, but yeah, like I said, that's unacceptable.

Yeah, that's not on him. that's not on any of us. We fought for 47 minutes and whatever, 20 seconds, and for that to happen, a four, that's not okay. Let's take two more. Joe, is this it? Oh, look at him rubbing his head. Put the, now play the, now play the rep. God damn you, Luke.

Oh, rubbing his head. You didn't give a shit about sports either, you motherfucker. My hair. I know baseball. Rubbing my head, put your head down. Like a little kid. I hope the Phillies destroy the Mets this year.

Over and over and over again. You're not gonna watch the games. They're going nuts. Yeah, they're going. I'll watch Phillies versus Mets now, just to make sure you're sad. They got to murderers row them, Phillies. I just don't give a shit about baseball that much.

Play Nick Nurse, this is the coach. This is the coach. But just got to, again, I think again, we're playing better than we did the other night. I think we can continue to play even better than that, and that's all we got to focus on. You mentioned Tyrese's illness. Just, I guess, what can you say about his performance?

And how did you sort of monitor it? Yeah, I just asked him if he was OK one time, and he said he was, and that was about it. We did get him out of there in the first quarter pretty early, but we again played him, I think, the whole second half, and he played fantastic. Five to five dominance, just the three of them. Yeah.

It was kind of like, tough tech time for you guys. I mean, such an exhausting game to play against. Would they show you kind of coming back? Yeah. Well, I think during that stretch when Bogdanovich hit a couple, that was like a little bit of a difference of the game. This honey-I-shrunk-the-kids-face guy. You stop it, dude. The only thing I like about him is he's got my watch that I want. He's a champ. He's got the presidential Rolex on. Where's it change? Let's see hang on

Yeah, I mean last 15 He was really chasing it down and turning on the jets and slamming on the beam all the things he can do just time and Time again, so I thought it was great when it really mattered. Yeah Chasing it down and turning on the jets and slamming on the beam all the things he can do just time and time again So I thought it was great when it really mattered. Yeah Absolutely not Winning Well again, it's a long series yet. We're gonna look at how we can play better

and we're gonna get back home and play better. Play better. I'm depressed! I know where we missed it. I'm depressed! I know where you missed it. He missed the thing he says. What does he say?

He told me, he goes, I don't know, he goes, you gotta ask the refs, I guess. But I mean, he looked right at me twice on two different occasions I called time out and he just wouldn't grant me the time out. It's insane. Because he wasn't in a suit. Why don't you call him up and say,

dude try wearing a suit, maybe an ascot. Maybe a bow tie, if you wore it. Jacob, a bow tie would pop out. Yeah. Nice, something on the side. Something that pops. Something that pops. Well, it doesn't matter when Jacob's favorite sports teams

complain. We are in New York. Yeah, yeah. We're gonna take it off. Yeah. Jacob, that's a really funny joke, I guess, because there's no songs for girls soccer. There is.

There is. There's no theme songs. There is. Miley Cyrus has a couple. What is it? If you want to be my lover, you got to get with my friends. Yay! Jacob, I have to run home to watch girls play soccer. Yeah. What's your point? She looks like a young BD Wong. What is my point? Is that girls don't even watch girls soccer. Nobody does. No one watches girls soccer except you. You run home to it.

This is man sports we're talking, Jacob. It's one of the sports I watch. What's the other one? Female what? Dragon field? You exclusively watch female sports? Jacob was supposed to be born in Europe. Yeah, girl fishing.

Yeah, he really is. Here we go. His last name is Nurse J. Yeah, girl fishing. Yeah. Here we go. His last name is nurse Jay. Yeah, what a sissy name. Look at getting it in quick. We don't get it in quick. I call timeout. referee looked right at me, ignored me. Went into Tyrese, I called timeout again.

Then the melee started and... Okay. Yeah. I mean, I guess I gotta run out onto the floor or do something to make sure and get his attention. Yeah. We're a suit. The players were calling timeout also. He just admitted it.

I gotta do something more to get his attention. Yes, because he has to be the fucking adult of the crew. Yep. We're a suit. Because he's the coach. but he still says it's fucked up what they did. They ignored him. Twice. Well, they ignored him because they don't know who he is on the sideline. He blends in with everybody else.

He blends in with all those other people. Look at him. And then he called timeout, Jay, and look, he did one thing. The ref, don't, don't... Do not... Do not look at me like that I'm just trying to... Lou, I get it dude They're making fun of my life's work

It hurts, doesn't it? And I'll tell you what, Jacobs hurts the most Now you feel what I feel I'm getting a hatred for Jacob It's easy to do He doesn't even know if that was the actual Nick song that was playing. It is. He just looked up Nick's song.

I remember it from the 80s. He just looked up the 80s. That's the last time you stop watching sports when it got too black for you. That's true. That's why you have to go to girl sports where the whites are still involved. That's Bobby. I'm Jay. And to get our full show sign up for a SiriusXM subscription at SiriusXM.com slash bonfire. Support our show. Don't be some jerk off just taking the free stuff.

Let them know you want us to be here forever. Or we won't. Or maybe we won't. Or we won't. Subscribe. One of my favorite funny people in the world, everybody. He's got a new special. I don't know who I am either. Streaming right now on Amazon and Apple TV,

it is the Larry's Brian Scallaro. Hi, thanks for having me guys. Good to see you again. What's up, brother? You guys are both losing weight. I felt comfortable last time I was here. Because all three of us were fat. Now I'm just the one fat guy here.

Bobby got crazy surgery. And Jay's taking a crazy drug. And me and Christine are booting up. I'm pre-diabetic and they still wouldn't give me the drug. But you got the drug. Really? Yeah, yeah. They're like, get out of here, fatty.

That's literally what they said. You have to get a corrupt doctor like I have. I have more doctors than friends right now Well, one of my general practitioners eventually got sent to jail almost and we couldn't work with her anymore Why wouldn't they give you the drug? I was epic that's Ford because Blue Cross Blue Shield said no you have to be diabetic to have it not pre-dial So now I'm just eating a lot of yeah, just get diabetes. Yeah, I'm trying Really I'm just eating a lot of spaghetti. Yeah, just get diabetes. Yeah, I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm really, I'm actively trying. I have, I have a cupcake souffle.

I have five easy ways to get it. I was just close to getting diabetes. I'll tell you what, me and Christine stopped doing the OZEMPIC, because the side effects weren't motherfuckers. Really? Okay, because the last time I talked to you, you were like, this is great, she throws up and I'm great. Yes, but then it was the last batch was when we were going

to do the Skanks tour that you did the first Date on and that's what I remember was I was getting all those stomach issues and Bobby Bobby was sitting next to me at one of the shows and he goes Did you fart dude? And I went no, I feel terrible. I burped over there, but whatever's doing your stomach It's just like like what was it called? It's rotten egg sulfur sulfur sulfur. Yeah, it's not like you were near a volcano. It was bad. It's terrible I'm just looking forward to death. I think if I just keep eating the sweet release. Oh, I call it the sweet release The way I see is that people are so mean when a fat person dies all that there's all bunch of jokes on the internet

Right, but if you kill yourself, they go. I was such was such a nice guy, why didn't he just reach out? So I ain't gonna carry a gun around with me. When I start to have a heart attack, I'm gonna blow my brains out. I love it. No, I'll say it again. Why didn't you just reach out and say, well, just make sure nobody's giving you

mouth to mouth when you do it. That would be splattered brains all over some chick's face on the train. Me and Brian actually shared a moment of two fat guys being like, this fucking sucks. When we went to Ramsey Moore's memorial, Ramsey was very obese guy, he died from a heart attack. He was like over 400, yeah.

And I mean, he also agreed, almost every acting gig he took, he agreed to be like, sure, I'll be the shirtless fat guy or the thing that's creepy or whatever. But do you remember, you made a joke about me at his memorial. You were like, I think we're gonna be here next year for Brian.

Oh, shit. What an asshole. I would kill me if somebody said that to me. Sorry. It hurt my feelings a little bit. I was like, he's fat too, what the hell? It should've. Can I just say something?

It's fat on fat crime, it's deflection. No, there's no solidarity. My cousin, at my father's funeral, I was standing by the casket in the graveyard, and he walked up to me crying, and he held my stomach and goes, oh God, you gotta do something. I don't want you to be next.

I hate people like that. My father's dead body's right there, and he rubbed my fat stomach and went, I don't want you to be next. I hate stuff like that. Just let me be fat. Why does me be fat bother you? Just let me be fat. I had to stop Josh Ed a Myers because he was the first one he's comedy from comedy

No, cuz he's like, you know, Josh is in unbelievable fucking shape and he would just do this thing It was like he was a guy would go over and like he's being just old Jewish lady playful But he does a lot of like the grabbing like your like side thing or or slapping your under tin your buddy I fucking don't like it. I don't like don't poke my stuff. I fucking hate it. I hate it, too I know he means that he's like he was like a power jake. He's like dude I was really just like yeah like a love thing. I was like I know but I don't like it It goes makes me feel awful. I hate it now I've lost some weight, but people like will still come up to me and grab my side and go dude keep it up

Yeah, what I was a fuck kind of None of us have a Ramsey like problem just for the record. I was at Ralph's and I'll never forget this I was checking out and when you get you get your produce first and then you get your frozen foods last because they're frozen you know one so this Christina's, Christina and Chris J don't shop. There's like an Asian millennial just reading a magazine standing by the checkout counter going, pfft, pfft. And I go, what's wrong?

And he goes, you're eating frozen food, you don't work out, that's why you're fat. Just says that to me. What the fuck? So I grab the magazine, I throw it across the room. And there's all these. And you fuck his face? There's all these security cameras.

I know if I hit the guy, you know, that's it for me. Of course. So I just called over security. It was like, he's making fun of me for buying the food you sell. Oh That feels worse They were like, oh he's that's a good point though. We sell this food. So they got him out of there But that just happens they threw him out threw him out. I'm walking down the street Somebody shows up fat ass as I'm walking by what why why does me being fat bother people? What is what is?

His weight. I don't think you're defined by What why why is me being fat bother people? What is what is what is? I think you're defined by Wait, but people in general why does no no I'm saying you I'm saying surprised you have so many of those Moments just happen to be on the street all because you're not like you're not like a head-turning heavy guy No, no exactly I'm just I'm in between because if I was too fat even if you'd be sad I know what makes funny even if. Even if you, even when you lose the weight. They still do. Dude, Opie did it to me a couple weeks ago.

He, on Twitter. I get it all the time. That's on Twitter. I still get it all the time. Here's the thing too, I'm doing Skankfest this year. They made me a fat robot. They did, you're kidding me. Bring it up, Christine.

They made you a fat robot, what are you supposed to do with it? That's the advertisement for me. There's no point of a fat robots What the fuck robot tits what the fuck Robo Kelly they gave him tits They gave him a robot tits so no matter what you do it doesn't end even if you get in the shape It doesn't end when I was on that Robot in between season one and season two that pain medicine sick on my dead I lost a whole bunch of weight and when I showed up, but they were like, oh Anderson sitcom I did, I lost a whole bunch of weight, and when I showed up they were like,

oh my God, they had to throw out a whole bunch of jokes, but they still did them anyway. They found out a way. Really? Yeah, yeah. When I did Sex and Drugs, I lost a lot of weight for the pilot. Because I knew I got the pilot,

was shooting in a couple months, I lost weight, I showed up, Larry was like, dude, what the fuck? I was like, what? He goes, dude, I wrote like 900 fat jokes for you for the show. I better see you by the craft services table. So, so I I did I started in cow tails that day The way I see it is that nobody's better making fat jokes than fat people just let us do it. We're good Yes, you know what I mean? Well, I just it's hard for ever not to sound

Mean when people are talking about like weight loss, you know, I mean? Weight loss people always just sound like they're being, what was on Bill Maher this week? Jillian Michaels. And she's just like, shut up you smarmy bitch. She's just trying to help. I know she is. But she's like, guys, there's no magic drug. Diet and exercise and the drugs gonna eventually do this

and they don't know what the long term effect. And you go, shut up you cunt. Just let us be fat. Just let us be fat. Let me take a magic serum. Shut up you cunt Let me take a magic serum there is look at ozempic is bad for you all that stuff's bad for you That's right. It's it it Christine you lose muscle and fat. It's a proven fact. You lose muscle You don't want to lose muscle the only thing is muscle. You're gonna be decrepit old people What's worse for you though what What? Cutting out half your stomach or if there's a reversible situation to the medicine?

I would do what I did in 100 times out of 100. Really? 100 times out of 100. I just shit a lot, I just try to shit a lot. Shitting a lot does help. You know, it is when I was my heaviest, I thought sometimes I shit, I was like, dude, I definitely lose some weight.

Absolutely, and nobody thin ever does that I bet. But I definitely, when I take, there's shits I take where I'm like, ooh I feel light on my toes today, huh? You go to eat raw food, you'll sit on the toilet for the whole day and you'll lose 10 pounds in one day. I did that once. Is it raw food diet? I had forest wittaker thing.

I had a girlfriend once, let's go here. And then we just were in separate rooms shitting, screaming at each other. It was very romantic. Oh, Todd Lynn years ago, comedian. Todd Lynn. Never heard of Todd Lynn. Todd Lynn came up.

Todd Lynn, wow. And I don't know how he got my ex-wife and me on this idea of like some medicine. It was called like Super Colon Blow or something, which is not that, that's the SNL thing. That's the Harmon's cereal. Yeah, that's the SNL thing. But it's called something like that. Colon Blow for you., which is not that. That's the SNL thing. That's the SNL thing. Yeah, that's the SNL thing. But it's called something like that.

Colon blow for you. It was something like that. And it was, you had to take like 27 pills in one shot. And it was just like, it was oxygen or something. It would do this thing, it would clear your system out. But when you had the shit, you had the shit immediately. And it was black sludge for weeks. Oh my God. Until it god stopped being black sludge

It was a cleaning out your system. Oh my god horrible, but When you were done that shit though, it felt so good. You're like, I'm gonna take those 27 bills again tomorrow Yeah, it was some crazy. I did the calling. I did the what is it called when you stick the hose in your ass? Panama fun Max's 10th birthday party. Ha ha ha. Anyway, those are the- The colon thing, I did that on the upper east side

in this chair, it was in a girl's apartment. And you lie down in the bed and they stick a hose and you bum bum. Colonic. A colonic. And I remember when the machine started, first of all it was in a department so, the window, the top window was open.

I just saw an old lady having like tea. While you're having your ass fucked by a water hose. I'm just lying there with this thing in my ass, and then I heard g-gunk-gunk, and she went, you don't choose the steak, do you? I guess it was a big nugget. Oh my God, that is, I'm gonna throw Gucce's song with a black sludge and shitting steaks.

Shit steaks? I literally heard, g-gunk and shitting steaks she was like you like bad news you just shit out steak is good news nice marbling I wanted to change subjects anyway because I wanted to get this is such a good comics conversation here about the fact there's even a conversation about this being who's wrong here. Did you hear about the Arj Barker thing? No. So Arj, I assume this was in,

this was out in Australia, right? Yeah, he's in Australia, right? He's a star in Australia. And this is nuts. Apparently there was a woman breastfeeding in his show that he called it out. And then she was like, what? And he was like, what, out. And then she was like, she was like, what? And he was like, what do you think I should leave?

And he was like, yeah, I do. I do think you should leave, whatever. There's a baby in the fucking show. It's already a crazy thing. But the conversations, all the articles. For her. I mean, it's going like, You have to.

It's like, you can't just let a baby, because forget breastfeeding. Why do you have a baby's like you just got you can't just let a baby goes forget breastfeeding Why do you have a baby? That's crazy there was a comedy club in like Florida where they were bringing her baby and you can't do that Like what do you mean? I can't bring my baby. Well, first of all, there's an 18 and older Yeah limit and second of all if the baby makes a noise you gotta go like well I think you should I think you should make a situation where you can help me with my, like it's just,

but I think why they're writing the articles is the same reason when people ask you if you like the Barbie movie, you have to say yes, even if you didn't like it that much. What if you loved it? So I think that they're writing the articles because they feel they have to, you know what I mean? When they maybe, the person writing the article

doesn't really feel that way. I, for the Barbie movie, say I don't like it because it's gay. It's an unpopular opinion to give out there. I love it. Jay, why didn't you like it? It just wasn't your thing? It goes, no, no, no, because it's gay

and I don't play that shit. I don't play that shit. I like anything Ryan does. It was okay, I just didn't think it was like this fantastic thing. It's not Oscar. It shouldn't be in the Oscars. That's why I said, we said on the, is that the pre-record we talked about that? Bridesmaids.

I go, got too much hype because it was an all-girl class. Yes. It's not the funniest comedy of that year probably. No, exactly. And same with Everything Everywhere All At Once. If you don't like that movie, you're anti-Asian. You know what I mean? But you have to say Arj Barker was wrong

because that's the right thing to say. But deep inside, I doubt these people really feel that. Yeah, but if I was- I didn't see everything everywhere all at once either and people ask why, I go, uh, fucking wet markets. Wuhan wet markets is why. It actually sounds like- All my rationales for things are racist,

but they have nothing to do with the movie though. Well, because they brought COVID here. Who? That girl? Jamie Lee Curtis? Nah, the other one. You know I'm talking about. The Goonies kid. I don't like killing all female babies. I feel bad eating Chinese food during the pandemic. I was like, I feel it.

I miss my grandmother, but I love little man. This is beautiful, beautiful American Chinese food. No fatness. If you look down and saw a woman breastfeeding and her tit out, would you kick her out? Well, I'd start talking about the situation and work with it, because it's a baby, so I'm also not worried about offending the baby.

You can say the thing. It might make her, and I'd be staring at her tit. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, was that what you were getting at? Yeah, that was what I was getting at. I had that lady a couple times ago that I was in Phoenix at that stand-up live Where her and her husband ended up fighting again in a real screaming match after the show apparently in the parking lot because I kept Pointing out she's running some strap shirt. They're just like a looks almost like a ace bandage wrapped around her

Gorgeous and her right tit the thing every time she laughed it would just come up and her whole tit would be and she just didn't She just let it be so every once in a while I'd point it out and then by I mean the sixth time I was like miss now I started to feel like you're fucking with me and she's like, oh my god. Is it again? I go, how do you not feel your whole tit is out? and now I go the problem being this you got to figure something out because I Think to look over every time I can tell the crowds not With me completely on like the setup of something

Yeah, I look over and your tits out almost 100% of the time where I go the crowd seems a little distracted through this setup Wow, of course, it's because that tits out again and then uh say there with Instagram We can't compete with the tents. You can put the best joke up there. No. A woman lip-syncing my jokes has more followers than I do. Isn't that crazy? I had that with Asian children lip-syncing my jokes. What? It was pretty nuts.

No. Really? I swear to God. Remember that? It was pretty funny. Really? I think my favorite joke of yours has to be with the woman's dating the old man in the crowd and you're like when he comes does does the

yogurt that Jamie Lee Curtis says for me? Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt. That's my personal favorite. And yours is the ass one. I can still wipe my ass and you show both hands. Those are my two favorite jokes you guys. Wait so here we go so she went on a current affair on Monday night. Current affair? That's still on out there? This is Australia, brought current affair back. That was Mari's first thing, right? Yeah. Who the fuck brings a baby to a comedy show?

She's well, she said, do you want me to leave? And he just answered the question. Yeah. Yeah. He told you kicked her out. She asked some questions. He said, yes. It feels like it feels like a trap. You don't want to look down and see a child. It's just there shouldn't be a baby. There shouldn't be to look down and see a child. It's just, there shouldn't be a baby, there shouldn't be the threat of a baby crying

or going through anything. That shouldn't be the fear of any comedy show is having to worry about a baby crying. When you're at a club, I'm sorry. It's the best of Melbourne Comedy Festival. It's a show. When you're at a comedy show, you need everybody paying attention to you.

Never mind some chick's tit out. You cannot not look, I don't care who you are. You see a chick breastfeeding, you're looking. A woman's breastfeeding in front of me or next to me, I'm not hearing the next 10 minutes of jokes that I'm gonna keep trying to figure out, how can I look like I'm going, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,

and she'll keep looking over at her tit. The next 30 seconds, I'm fighting everything in my being not to go down there and get a little squirt of milk off that tit. Give me some. I'm distracted now, and we're just talking about it. Yeah. He goes, hey, why don't you give daddy a taste?

She's like, what? What if she took it out and go, go ahead? Would you suck on it? She looks like a bitchy complain about my child. Oh, look, and also, can you take a picture of the kid sucking tit right in the picture? Why did the club let her in I don't know I do not understand why should be a comedy because it's Australia and they're woke and they're

fire you know what I mean what spiners yeah is that woke like you can't bring a baby to the comedy show first of all I said I'm like I bet the baby didn't have cans like babies aren't really supposed to be around amplified noise like that like for the baby no matter what yeah by the way it got the attention is because the baby did start crying it wasn't just the breastfeeding when she was explaining what happened her baby became unsettled and viewers struggled to hear what she or the interviewer said that's hilarious so it just happened again yeah the babies started crying and ruined something again. What it's So it's hitting it backfired in that regard, but I can't believe the first wave of

Shit coming out about it was just like it's all here goes again a breastfeeding woman being treated like a piece of shit because a man Like one of the politicians from Australia came out and they're like, new mothers have it hard enough. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? What does it have to do with anything? If you had it hard, you wouldn't be at a comedy show, you'd be home. How about this line right here? I really enjoy this. The mother claimed her child made a little noise,

but was just being a baby. Goes, we're not mad at the baby. How are you going to yell at my baby just because, are you not getting this? We're yelling at you. Cause you're a bad mom. The baby didn't drive there on his own. She thinks she's a great mom though.

What was the show at five o'clock? I mean who takes a baby to a comedy club? She should have been, it says she was humiliated and she should have been humiliated. That is such a pussy. Do you remember at the Comic Con when Bam's baby mama started breastfeeding the kid walking up and down the aisles during the show?

I do remember that. It was one of the most psychotic things I've ever seen in my life. And none of us knew what to do. We were like, what do we do? Like he's on stage, he's all fucked up. Bennington's there, Jay's on stage, and this woman's just walking up and down the aisles

of the theater breastfeeding the baby. The baby that they now publicly fist fight each other over on video. Well, I guess, I don't know, maybe he's doing all right now, Bam Margera. of the theater breastfeeding the baby. The baby that they now publicly fist fight each other over on video, well, I guess, I don't know, maybe he's doing all right now, Bam Margera. They keep saying he's snapping back, but he took a bad run. You know the jackass guy, Bam Margera?

Okay, no, I never saw, believe it or not, I've never seen one episode of Jackass. Oh, you gotta watch the movies, they're great. Yeah. I mean, they're just, they're, you know, I love about it. They're nice guys. Same as Impractical Jokers to me, is that it's unjudgeable comedy.

It's nothing that I do in any way. So I don't have an idea how to make it better or what I would do. So I love both of those for that. They're very funny guys. But Bam Margera, he went through a whole drugs, like his friend, one of the Jackass guys died in a car accident, he took that hard,

and then he just started becoming a drug act and then just unraveled publicly through like social media over it with his ex-wife and his kid. But it's nothing worse than watching a guy who's constantly fricasseed on drugs going like, and now they won't even let me see my kid anymore. It's so funny. Like he seems obviously crazy and he's talking to the world. Same as this, this lady's like,

can you believe they booted me out of this stand-up comedy show? Cause my baby cried a little. And the articles, well, the bottom line is the articles are fair, but this will all go away in like two days. Of course, no, the cycle goes. I'm just saying I can't believe there was anything

besides going like Arj Barker was fucked over by this lady. I can't believe, look here, he offered her a refund. He said leave and get a refund. I can't even believe he did that. He's trying to just go get the fuck out. Take your baby and get the fuck out of here. Because in that situation, you're like, listen man, I can't do a show with a tit out and a baby sucking on it.

I mean, if there's any, I hate doing a show where a guy's eating a fucking skirt steak in front of me. Nevermind a tit, you know what I mean? And it's not even a sexy tit, it's just a, it's like what a tit was made for. Big menu comedy clubs are the best, dude. Someone's got a fork and knife in their hand at the same time while you're telling comedy,

seems bizarre. I don't wanna see something feeding off something else during my set, It's just disgusting. Bar food exclusively, man. Bar food. Fingers. That's like the fucking, that's like the Stan comedy club.

He goes, so is this your girlfriend? Oh, I see you guys are ripping into a fucking tomahawk steak, okay. Somebody orders a large cheese pizza right in the middle of your bed. He goes, oh, you made me laugh so hard I spilled my Bernays sauce all over my leg. Why are these things here?

It doesn't make any sense. Like when I watch a movie, like in my house or a TV show, I try not to eat unless it's something I've seen before because you look down. Do you ever try to show a girl a movie and she's like, look, she's looking down at her food, looking down at her drink and missing things in the movie. Oh yeah. Everything I watch with Christine, looking down at her food, looking down at her drink, missing things in the movie. Oh yeah, everything I watch with Christine, looking down at her phone, looking down at her nails, just staring off into the empty abyss. Yeah. That's not stuff we're watching together.

And then I go. That's when you're watching sports and I'm playing on my phone. It's everything we watch, and then I go, wow, can you believe that? That was pretty crazy special effects. And she's staring at the screen, she goes, what? And I go, the thing is what, she goes,

oh, I was looking through the television into the infinite earth. I go, but I just watched you stare at it. That's because she was trying to change the weather because you had to walk the dog. She was using her powers. It's insane. She just looks right at it.

I go, that was crazy. She's like, what was crazy? That scene. Are we watching something? You're staring at the TV. It's a hundred inch screen. I'm thinking. Girls don't like what we watch, Jay.

They sit down, they just wanna sit next to us and be with us, cause they've given up the fact that you're not gonna watch The Notebook with her. You're not gonna watch, you know, Kraft or whatever. Nearly anything she likes I won't watch. But I'm depressed at what she likes while I'm gone for sure. Coming home and seeing that she has now

Torn through by herself almost every episode of Big Bang Theory. I'm like, where do you go? You don't think I'm funny at all Big fan he's coming back You watch young Sheldon. I watch young rockeldon. Do you watch Young Rock also? No, I didn't watch Young Rock yet, but I do watch The Good Doctor. Bobby, you actually, Bobby's got a Borant taste in television. Don't, you have a fucking crazy shit taste too. No, I'm all over the place.

No, you watch weird documentaries and stupid shit and people are fucking doing dumb shit. You see Manhunt on Apple TV? No. Man Hunt is the story of Abraham Lincoln's assassination where they go after John Wilkes Booth and he runs, and it's really interesting. It's great. I started watching it.

I watched Sugar. I heard that was good. It's good. It's a good show. Sugar with Colin Farrell. Old school crime. I tried Severance. Didn't really do it for me. Fargo. Watched the prestigious Fargo. Fargo is probably the best show in years. Fargo is fantastic. Fargo. Watched the prestigious Fargo. Fargo is probably the best show in years.

Fargo is fantastic. Fantastic show. Bobby doesn't watch Fargo. I love Fargo. Did you watch Fargo? I love Fargo. What was the last season at Fargo? The one with, what's his name?

Tatum O'Neil. Tatum O'Neil? That's also a girl. Yeah, I know that. I know that. You mean Ryan O'Neil? Yeah, Ryan O'Neil. He wasn't in either.

I know. But you did get me in the yellows. You got me in the yellows. Yellowstone's great. Yellowstone's great. I know that. I know that. You mean Ryan O'Neil? Yeah, Ryan O'Neil. He wasn't in either. I know. But you did get me in the Yellowstone. You got me in the Yellowstone.

Yellowstone's great. Yellowstone's great. I like Sugar's great. What's the other one? I started watching Suits again. Suits, not anymore. No, see, there's where you lose me there. Yeah, but I love, I told you, I love Dumb TV. I like USA Network.

You like Psych? Psych, I'm a psycho. Psych was great. Psycho was great! Psych was great. Psych was great. You get back, the first season, you skip the first season. Yeah. Yeah. Psycho was great? Psych was great. Psych was great. The first season, you skip the first season. Yeah. Well, you got to watch the first couple episodes just to understand what's happening.

He's like, look at me, I'm fucking, I'm handsome, all the girls like me. Then you get past that where it's just basically Scooby-Doo. Yes. Him and his friends are scared of ghosts and they just want to eat. It's so fun. It's really, it's actually very, very fun. It's all references from the 80s. And that guy, Duleil Hill, might be a comedic genius.

Yeah, Dule Ho, they're both funny. But the writer's great, Frank, whatever his name is. Andy Berman is one of the writers. It's a really funny show. I'm surprised. Or maybe he has and I don't know. Because you said your friends are in it. Mike Dildarian, the guy who does the cartoons.

Yeah, just kind of canceled the show. Come on. They didn't promote. He's talking about 10-year-old Tom. It was on HBO Max. They promoted the first show. Come on. They didn't promote. He's talking about 10 year old Tom. Yeah. It was on HBO Max. They promoted the first season. So funny. It was first season did well.

They put it on Adult Swim as well. And then they didn't promote the second season at all. No. And like, he's such a brilliant guy. Just promote it. Just put it in one newspaper, come on. But has he got any, has he done any live action stuff at all?

Or is he just? I think he did a couple Of roles on the crow show well, I mean more did he ever like produce anything He did a pilot once that I read for and I think was his name got Fat guy number seven from sound life Are he show sans no Bobby Moynihan that I think But but so he did so he did one thing. But he even started other things, but I don't know. Me and you must have went up for a lot of shit.

Well, I lived in a different coast as you. Because I remember when I would go in, it would always go to somebody. Like when I was chubby, I'd always go in, there'd be other dudes, like, what's up, dude? We'd all be bummed up, you're like, all right. My theory. They're gonna pick between us.

I would go and it'd be like 10 fat guys in LA and me. And I was like, well, if I start killing these guys, like if I wait outside in Arby's and start picking them all off, then I would be the number one fat guy. Did you do the reason, I got down to, because I had to leave, I couldn't come to the show one, because I had to fly out to LA for a screen test

for This Is Us. Wow. To be, and then I found out that day, it was before the show started, so it wasn't already out, and I go, oh, I guess we're auditioning to be this super heavy set chicks boyfriend, or whatever, but I was like, I didn't know she would already like was the role, we were doing the scene with her.

Oh, you said a tour? Chrissy Metz, and it was like that thing where you're like, no, no, I didn't say, no, no, I didn't say a tour. Oh, that changes everything. No, no, no, no, I didn't say anything in tour, I, I didn't say it, too. Oh, that changes everything. No, no, no, no, no, I didn't say anything, too. I'm just saying what I immediately, when I walked into the room, I was like, when you read the script, I realized it was like

a Weight Watcher, so I just didn't picture how big everyone was gonna be. Yeah. Yeah. And when I went in there and it was, Ramsay was waiting for that, in that waiting room, Ralphie May was in that waiting room, my first thing was kinda like, I read for that, too.

Yeah, and my first thing was like, I did, too. Is this what these guys, is this what they think? Like I look like a yes. And then when they brought the girl out, I was like, is this what they think that I would be kissing and spending time with and caring about? And then they hired a thin guy and put a fat suit on him. Hired a thin guy, put a fat suit on him.

And then... The fat guy, the guy in that show was not fat? Not fat. They brought me back again and they were like, the producer loves you, so he'd like you to read for another part, if you wouldn't mind. This is after the first couple episodes had run. And I jokingly go,

because they first told me I didn't get the part and the reason they gave, or at least that's why they told me, was that I was too thin for the role, which doesn't make any sense. They go, yeah, we're looking for a bigger, kind of fatter, massier guy or something like all right I'll take that it's a nice way to cut it off and say like I didn't get the part I'll take that and then weeks later they go they want you to read for another part I go

oh let me guess is it gonna be the guy who she cheats on that guy with and they were like yeah yeah so I guess I wasn't that thin and handsome you piece of shit I'll tell you a funny story about this audition. It was in LA, and they had changed the entrance for Fox Studios for this audition. So they made us, they made all these fat guys walk three miles to the audition. Like, we had to go to the other end of Fox Studios and walk in the heat.

Wow. And I made a big stink, anyways. But I was very upset. I was like, what the hell? There's one thing I hated about LA auditions is that you had to go into the studio, you had to find parking somewhere, and then walk a mile. And you had to actually sometimes walk through productions of shows.

Well, I think it might have been, Pee-wee's a big one. You know the little town? That's exactly what I was thinking. They had to turn the corner, twisted sisters in the front of a car, so you could burn some. You remember they had the little town at Fox's exactly what I was saying. Then I turned the corner, twisted sisters in the front of a car, singing Burn Hell. You remember they had the little town at Fox Studios? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They have the street that is in every fucking CW thing. And then by the time you get to the bungalow, you were just dripping with sweat. Like, I'm just wet. I had to go to the bathroom. The MGM was the worst. MGM was the worst. MGM sucked.

My favorite is Don Myrera. Jim Carrey was producing that show, I'm Dying Mm-hmm, and he offered Dom I rare apart and MGM Studios is like a half-hour drive with traffic and Tom goes Where is it big glam Jim Suzy goes? No, thanks So lazy didn't want to drive all the way at Culver City no, thanks no, thanks God damn. Yeah, I'll tell you one thing about Fox did my favorite memory of Fox Studios is I was on that sitcom and this is how much I don't look like a TV person as I parked my car in my spot It's like it's it's Pam Anderson Christopher Lloyd and me and I'm like parking on the gate Look at me, you know, I Paul the moment goes you can't park there. I go. This is my spot

She was young just tell me they're gonna tell you well, that's me. I'm Brian's cloud. She, I'm just telling you they're gonna tell you. Well, that's me. I'm Brian's cloud She goes man. I'm just saying they're gonna tell you You can keep throwing me this line of bullshit, but I'm telling you when you come out the car is gonna have a boot on it At best it's a Honda That must have felt great though to have a spot in the studio Those two I had a really good eight years really good eight years. That's been all shit since Do we really good eight years? Did we talk about last time you and did you watch that? Uh, Yeah, Pam Anderson documentary documentary. No. Yeah The Pam Anderson documentary was pretty like it really made I said it did the opposite the Anna Nicole Smith documentary

Made me walk away thinking like, oh, she was actually a wretched piece of shit. And the Pam Anderson did the, made me fall in love with her all over again. She's like a hopeless romantic, kind of doofy, she's trying to figure it out. But she, almost admittedly, she's like, I don't know, I just love falling in love

and getting married. She's such a sweetheart, man. Did she flirt with you? Well, we fooled around, not fooled around. For example, there was a, they came downstairs and they said, season, we picked you up for season two, and everyone cheered. And after we finished the episode in front of the crowd,

I just laid on the floor in front of the crowd and everyone was clapping. And next I know she was on top of me, but just like, hey, I'm like, I was like, if every ex-girlfriend or girl who turned me down could see this, it would'm like, you know, if every ex-girlfriend or girl who turned me down could see this, you know, it would be like revenge, be sweet revenge.

My favorite story is the common election one, where she had to come on to my character to make Pam jealous. So she, in rehearsal, she put her ass on my cock and made circles, and I got hard. I got hard. You're an actor. And. Your method.

But then she kept making circles. Here, my carbon lecture fuels my dick, you know. She definitely could tell you have a boner. Yeah, and then they go, hey, it's afterwards. You could tone it down. She was like, oh, I'm sorry, and I have to make the joke. Oh, come on, it was perfect, you know. But then afterwards she was like,

I feel I'm only comfortable playing the siren and will you help me run my lines Like she was so it was so fucking nice meeting these beautiful woman that could not have been sweeter Most beautiful women I meet a fucking horrible people You know what I mean, but here's the most two of the most beautiful woman on earth could not have been any less although, too Yeah, like might be why the person Successful though too. Yeah, that might be why. Like personally successful. You know what I mean? Like they both kinda had their own shit going on, so I can see that being much nicer.

There's no climb in them still. Payne Anderson was as big as you could be at that moment. Yeah, probably. How did you shoot your special? Where'd you shoot it? What was it? Where was it? So Eddie Brill, you know Eddie Brill?

I know Eddie Brill. Eddie Brill. It looks great. Eddie Brill, you know Eddie Brill? I know Eddie Brill. Eddie Brill, it looks great. Eddie Brill picked like 12 comics that deals with this, Liner Notes, a company called Liner Notes. So they had a theater, a music theater in Garwood, New Jersey called, oh god, I can't remember.

And anyway, so they picked 12 of us, Greg Rougel, Wendy Liebman, Dan Adaman, Tom Conner, myself. And so, you know, it was really good. The crowd wasn't a comedy savvy crowd. So I literally am warming them up during my own special. Then I yell at them a lot, which is what I like. I go, yeah, yeah, take that seriously.

Take that seriously. Like I'm yelling at them. I'm going, you guys are horrible. I was like, as individuals, I'm sure you're great people, but as a group, you should never get together again. Is this in the special? This is in the special. So it's not like, especially where you watch the guy kill,

it's like you're just watching funny jokes with a crowd that's confused. And I really like that. I kind of like it. And I think that I still come off good in it, and I'm very happy with it. Everything I saw was great, I kind of like it. And I think that I still come off good in it. And I'm very happy with it. Everything I solved was great and you got good, I don't know if it's an algorithm thing also,

but I knew about it before you were coming on, because I saw the trailer for it. Oh, that's nice. On Amazon Prime, it like. Oh, that makes me happy. Is it all out together? No, I was the first one out, so that felt good too. So what are they saying about it?

Are they saying that it's killing it? Or do you not know? Oh, Amazon gives you nothing. Gives you nothing. They give you nothing. No. And Apple too. I know that I have to make 100 grand

before I see any money. So I don't think that's gonna happen. They have to recoup. Yeah, so that's why I came to the bonfire. Yeah, you're gonna make it today. That would be great. You're gonna make it right now. But it was a lot, it was fun. And I'm actually, like when I did the Drybar special I had to

be clean. When I did a Helium Comedy Studio special there was 10 people in the crowd. So then like I can't, without comedy management or comedy people backing you, you can't pick and choose how you make a special. So when somebody offered me a special saying we'll pay for it, I jumped at it. Even if the crowd, there's one point where I say a dog put his nose in my ass and I came and now I can only come with a dog's nose in my ass,

sometimes I can bring my own dog, you know? And like there's one shot of a woman falling out of a chair and her friend in complete terror right next to her. And I think that sums up my entire career, my whole career. I like when they have the cutaway of somebody just not enjoying something. Thanks for showing that guy. I'll tell you the best, with DeRosa, we were in Rotterdam doing that TV show and he's just eating it on stage because I'm not feeling it at all.

And then when the light came on a camera to somebody in the audience, he had an empty glass in front of him. Empty, clearly empty. And the guy was just staring at the stage like what the fuck, while Joe's on stage. And then he looks, and you just see him when they put it on the shot that you saw in the backstage area, the guy in the audience just goes, oh, and then he just picks up that glass

and starts drinking air. There's nothing, you can see there's nothing in the glass. He just wants to be doing something. He didn't even think that he goes, oh, put on a fake laugh. He goes, can't, can't conjure up that. I will drink this empty glass of water. I will pant him, I'm drinking.

I always think of the Greg Giraldo special where the reggae guy, the Jamaican guy was asleep in the crowd. Oh, yeah. And he goes, why you sleeping? You should've. That was great. Oh lordy. Oh lordy. Brian should. That was great. Oh lordy. Oh lordy.

O'Brien's got a new special. I don't know who I am either. It's streaming right now on Amazon and Apple TV. Please check it out. Hilarious. I think on Apple TV, I think it's buy or rent too. It is buy or rent. But it's, please check it out.

Just buy it, don't buy it. O'Brien's one of the funniest. I'll be dead soon. Jesus Christ she's not don't you say that? But if it's if it moves if it moves if it moves specials though, he's dying Definitely we're all dying. Yeah Brian's one of the funniest from the first time I came to New York bed always loved watching Brian Inspirationally hilarious. Thank you Same to you. Absolutely. Make sure you check out that special right now Amazon and Apple TV.

It's the bonfire.