The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Lil' Spiff Stories

Episode Date: September 24, 2026

In Bobby's therapy, he has to write out troubling stories from his childhood about his family's treatment of him. His therapist is on vacation, so Big Jay listens and advises. Bob recalls pulling a knife on his Uncle and shows pictures of his young self when they called him "Little Spiff." | Jacob hates the HBO Max show "Lanterns" about the Green Lantern in modern day. Bob accuses him of being racist because he doesn't enjoy the horrible writing in the series. *To hear the full show go to www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

He's going to walk. And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. It's the bonfire. We had dead air because of Bobby, because of my read. Jay, I was doing a better help. I was doing my little ad. Yeah. And, you know me.

They call me three-take Kelly. No. Well, you know, I never heard people say things like that. You've said it. No. To me. Wrong guy. To me.

Wrong guy. No, but I love BetterHelp. I use BetterHelp, and I love therapy. I do. I know. Therapy's like your jam. Dude, therapy is my jam. I started therapy yesterday back, you know, he takes August off.

I didn't know that. He takes all of August off. What if you go that shit in August? Well, that was the thing is I didn't. Right. So I was kind of. Do I need this goof anymore? I'm going to open up to you right now, and I hope you don't take advantage of it.

I'll be your new therapist. As a, no, that's not what I was going to say. I hope you don't take advantage of it. Oh, God, you were molested. No, I was not molested, dude. Your family molested you. No, nobody. You're coming clean.

This is beautiful. This is the part that I hope he didn't take advantage of because I was going to open up to you. I thought that would be opening up. No, that's not open. You're finally facing the facts. I'm not, there's no facts. Okay. It's not a fact.

Sure, no facts. There's no facts of me being molested. It was called curiosity. Okay, all right. Sure. Sure. I think I told you this. I wrote around 53 story titles down of things that have gone on in my life.

And what I decided to do is to write these things down, like write the story out. And then I read them to my therapist. Go on. And so I'll go in and I'll, you know, you know, as a way, because it was like, we were kind of... Do you do like a little bobby... Voice?

No, no, no, no, like a voice, but like a... Do you describe it as like, you go, and then little Bob went into that dance and the girl was dancing with somebody else? Like that? Like little Bob? I want to be careful the way I answer this. Why?

I... I haven't... called myself little bob but i have used other names like a replacement name for instead of saying me i instead of yeah you write it in the third person a story about a boy like no i write it about me but i haven't said little bob i've used other names like what well i had a nickname when i was a kid i know what was it it's probably helpful um well when i was a kid my mom used to dress me in like little suspenders like shorts that had suspenders and a little bow tie they called you angus no they didn't call me angus but i you know i had i don't call you

oliver twist no they didn't come as this is now this is we're getting into the part where i'm being vulnerable do they call you geeky blinders i'm trying to open up man i'm guessing i know but you're guessing wrong what did you call yourself in these stories well i there's not It was my uncles, my five uncles, I was kind of like their little mascot. Yeah. What the fuck? What does that mean? What does that mean?

What was that here? If this is part of the way you have to come to grips with things, I'm with you. With what things? The uncles go out. The uncles got involved. No, no, no. I was never molested by anybody. Little Bob.

No, you were just spending time with your uncles. It wasn't a little Bob. Down the old cabin, miles from screaming range. We had no cabin. We had a three-based. bedroom house and 13 of us lived in the house. Oh, that's how they got you. No, nobody got me. I wasn't got. Are you fine? Your five uncles? Go ahead see five uncles. Not little Bob. No. Your five uncles used to call you. They used to call me because I hung out and I was like the mascot.

I was the bat boy at the softball. They used to have a team called the rebels and I was the bat boy. Do you know what they never called you? What? Late for molesting. This is why he can't open up to you, Jay. This is why I can't open up. We can't go. You're opening we can't go on I want to look out here's my face just cut why is it

why is everybody laughing at it I couldn't guess why because there's a lot of maturity in the room your uncles called you a bat boy no not bat boy it wasn't bat boy stop guessing

it wasn't a bat boy I thought you said that I did not say that I was the bat boy for the team their softball team it was like my uncle's and all their friends

and I would be I was like the little guy that was always right they put me on their lap and let me drive their car. Yeah, they did. What does that mean? Yeah, you took the wheel all right. What does that mean?

You took the wheel? You took the steering column? Who gets the mascot tonight? Oh, my God. That's, fuck. Jacob? You know what, Jacob? I expect way more out of you. You were passed around by five uncles. And their friends, Jay. So you don't call yourself a little bob? Do you call yourself town bike?

I'm not going to, I'm not going to open up. I'm not going to. No, no, I'm not. I can't hope they Jacob laughs at serious shit. You're five uncles. You are a bat boy. They gave me a nickname. My nickname, because I always had like a little bow tie, and my mom dressed me up nice. Suspender's bow tie on the lap.

Oncoles driving. They called me spiff. That was like spiffy. Like, oh, he's a look spiffy. They would call me spiff. What are you, why are you biting your lip right now? I'm listening to you. But you were just biting your lip, really hard.

It was therapist lip. I was doing like that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So I've referred to in the writings as Little Spiff. Little Spiff. Little Spiff, yeah. Spiff or Little Spiff?

Well, probably both. When I'm talking about that. When you're telling the therapist these stories, you then say it goes, she called Little Spiff in for dinner. But Spiff didn't want to go for dinner. No, I don't go that far. I don't start. He knew his uncles His uncles were about to do something

Nobody molested me I was not molested When are you going to get Well that was You know what That's gonna be a day You don't have to go back to therapy anymore When you finally come to grips

To the fact that your five uncles molested Nobody molested And they called you a spiff Hey spiff You know if you tell your mom We'll all get in trouble I know 50 positive stories

No they're not It's none of it's positive So the thing was Is that I had to go They dress up a little alphus To put you on their lap is not helping my therapy dude what you're talking about we're getting to the bottom of things i'm being real with you the the the reason why i decided to do is because i don't know where my rage come from i don't

know my anger you know i first year six year i don't have well you're a boy and uh i don't have the in-betweens right no that's not why that's not why every time you rage out now it's one of those fucking uncles no it's not am i spiffy now my spiffy now all right listen listen Do you think they called you spiff or do you think they were yelling at you to spit? That's fucking wild. Do you get what I'm saying? No, I understand what you're saying, but that's fucking nuts. But you get it, though.

Yes, I get it. Everybody gets it. Everybody listening gets it. But that's not why they wasn't spit. That's fair. Spiff. No, but when I lived with my grandma, it was like the best time in my life. It was like I had an amazing, huge family.

Italian? Irish, Catholic. I was able to do it an Italian. Italian accent, but I don't think I could do the Irish accent. Try it. Oh, Bobby, come here and sit with your old grandma. Nope, you can't. I can't.

You really can't. You gave it a shot. Is there any chance there are sleepy Mexicans or Japanese people? No, they were Irish. Okay. Irish Catholic. But when my... It could have been, if it was your Italian grandma, though, probably would have

sounded a little like this. I did have it. I love my Italian grandmother. Nona? Yeah, she was great. I only saw her once in a while, though. So sweet. But...

She felt terrible. that your family on the other side. She couldn't save you from the often molesting she were getting on your mom's side of the family. I did not get molested by any of that was the great part of my life. When my mother married the guy Bill, my first stepfather. He wanted to be exclusive with you?

This is nuts. I can't, I can't. So he shut your uncles out? No, that's not, no. Because Bill was going to come and that was his act. He had to claim his ass. He was very violent. It's called reclaiming.

No, that's not. Listen. In the Swinger world. He was very violent with my mother and my sister and me. Like, you know, he was hit and verbally abusive. Didn't you guys consider fucking him? I mean, I can't. Your uncles didn't seem to hit you?

No, nobody hit me. Except for him. Right. Yeah. Because he's the one guy you're holding out on. You only go for blood? You only let blood do it? Damn, dude.

You come from a weird play. Boston is weird. That's not it. So can I just, so trying to find out where it came from, I had to go back, right, all this stuff. And then I wrote about the years with this guy and all the things, I'm starting to remember all the things he did to me. And it all came to the time where I actually got so mad and angry. And at the time, too, I was getting bullied at school. Well, you're wearing suspenders in a bow tie.

By then I wasn't. I wasn't spiff in Zip. In my mind now, you were both sides suspenders straight through high school. This sucks, because now I'm going to have to do this at one of the live bonfire shows is where red shorts... Little spiff? Oh, you got to bring back spiff, dude, big time. That sounds like Christmas to me.

That sounds like total Christmas, dude. I'm going to sit on my lap all the whole time. I'll let you drive the car. Damn, dude, when we both got on the electric bike the other day, I really wish now that I was yelling, like, I was like, come on, Spiff, you're doing it. Do it. I'm barely holding all anymore. That's so funny.

I mean, it's not funny at all. This is fucking the rage, root of the rage. Yeah, the root is. I'm very engaged in the story. So I started writing like all the things that had happened in that time, the bullying, the, you know, I didn't know I had all this ADHD and dyslexia. So school was fucking tough for me. And I had kids that wanted to beat me up every day and all this bad.

shit happening but I might my my older sister this is pre drugs booze this is oh yeah this is this is pre this is this is going from spiff to fucking you know six to eight first grade to sixth grade okay first grade to sixth grade it all took place but like my sister ignored my older sister didn't help me she was kind of trying to think the whole family's paying attention to you and your sister wasn't even hot enough fuck you lou I mean, that's nuts that you had sound effects. Your sister felt like she was never pre-tinent to get molested about all those uncles who just wanted to go at Spiff.

They didn't want nothing to do with her. Your uncles were clad. They used to do a fantasy draft to see who gets you for the weekend. Well, that's fucking crazy. Anyways. So it all, like all this build, as I'm writing this stuff, I got to the point where he fucked with me one day. and it all came out.

Like all the shit, all the, everything, you know, my mom not protecting me, my sister not protect, all the violence, all the shit at school, everything just built up. And I picked up a knife and went after him. Yeah. And chased, he ran.

He ran. Like, it was the first time he was ever, like he was afraid of me. It's just great. This is not the best. This is not the show to do. You're chasing him with a knife. I should do this on.

Marin. Yeah. I mean, sure. It's going to be so boring. He quit before you can get this on the show. He gave up on you. But he chasing Bill with a knife. He ran. Then my mother grabbed

me and was like, her question was, why are you doing this? Not what did you do to my son to make him chase you around with a knife? And he actually got all, when she was holding me, he like, put his hand out. It was like, go ahead, you little fucking punk.

Stab me. And you little fucking pussy. Go ahead. You want to do it? Stabbing. And before he, I just brought my, the night, I was like, fucking boom. And I remember he pulled his hand back just in time, because I was like, I'll stab you. He said you could. I'll fucking stab you. I was like, I'll, yeah, I was

at that point. But in my brain at that moment, I realized that. It was your uncles. No, it was not nobody, no. No, that rage. It wasn't really Bill. There was no rage for my was actually all right. It was no, I, I, I love my uncles my uncles are great i don't know why you forgive them because they're family i don't forgive i don't have to forgive christine fuck off i have three bachelor uncles that i love that never

molested me i get the same jokes he totally molested her so she'd be the first person or family who wasn't molested if that's true that's that was that would bum me out if there was molestation in my family and i didn't get molested that sucks it certainly happened to her She's not the ugliest person in her family. That's crazy. Lest they had fetishes. Oh, yeah. Maybe they all like guys like Bobby's family.

First of all. Leaving his sister. You're like the Kelly sister. Left out of the molestation simply for being a girl. Everybody likes to have gay sex. I forgot. But in my brain, that was the first time I realized. It was almost like I had a superhero power.

Like I... Wielding a knife? The rage, the anger. Like if I could push it down and get all of it together, it would explode and come out. And then I started just doing that. I started just... Do you think there's a chance we could find a way to unlock that rage

and get you into like master's age, MMA? It's not the show. Somebody's going to be sincere somewhere like an asshole? Yeah, do this with your fucking therapy. Christine, I'm in on the joke, okay? I get it. I'm doing this, okay? So don't come out.

the show. But that's, so, so after that, like, I remember going into school after that, and one of the guys

that bullied me all the time, I broke my arm, I had a cast on, I remember one of the bullies that bullied me all the time, I was going to the bathroom and he got me. He got me in the hall,

and I was like, well, before you reacted, before you reacted, did you, Did you like the water boy? Did you see all of your uncle's faces on top of his face going, bend over, Spiff, you dropped something. I hope you appreciate that I said it and then looked at your face and I paused because I knew you had a good one. I very much appreciate that.

So when he got me, it's almost like I just exactly like the water, I triggered all that shit. Not my uncle's molesting me. All the shit that happened. I don't like that face. Sure, bird. All right. Don't call me Bud. Hey, champ. Don't call me champ.

Come on, Chief. I just watched the end of the champ the other night. Remember that movie? The champ? Yeah, Ricky Schroeder and what's his name? Is it a saddie? It's the saddest. I can't watch it without crime.

John Voight is a boxer and he... What's the Ricker play? His son. Okay. And the ending of it is one... I can't even think about it. It's so bad. Probably because I'm right.

writing about all the shit. It's sad? It's one of the saddest scenes. Does he lose his money? No. So he's still a millionaire? Who? Ricky Schroeder.

No, in the movie. Yeah. No, he's a little kid. He's a little kid. He's a rich little kid. No, he's not rich at this time. This is his first little. There's a train that runs through his house.

No, that's Richie Rich. No. Silver Spoons. Oh, Silver Spoons. Richy Rich, I believe, had a train too. Silver Spoons? I mean, he was supposed to be Richy rich, essentially. Yeah.

Silver Spoons, okay, that wasn't a documentary in real time? No, that was not a documentary. About Rick Schroeder? No, that was just a made-up thing. I think they got from Richie Rich. So he played other stuff? He, yeah, before Silver Spoon's show, his father's a boxer, and he, I don't know if he won, but at the end of the,

I think he did win, and at the end of the fight, he winds up dying. and he left his son all the money Ricky no Ricky Schroeder is there and he's talking to him and he just starts going champ champ come on champ I can't even watch it

He's going to his dad champ like a dog That's what he calls his dad champ Because he's the champ he's the champ He's the boxer Now I don't know if I saw the movie The way I'm remembering if I saw If it's the same thing I'm thinking of At the end of it

He stood up over his father's dead body He flipped his collar up put on sunglasses and said, I'm the ricker. No. No? No. Afonzo Rivera wasn't there. No.

It's not that show. Oh. How about the girl from Buck Rogers? No, movies don't go into TV shows. They don't go to other people. What? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Anyways. I digress. Not my uncles. The rage. So that day when that kid grabbed me, I fucking started just smashing his face with my cast. and almost to the ground where he was crying and begging me to stop. And I was like, oh my God, this shit works.

He never, and then I went back to class and over the loudspeaker heard, anybody with a cast on their right arm pleased to report to the office? And I went down to the office and there was like other kids like almost crying. Like I didn't do anything. And then I showed up with my cast and it just had all blood on it. And I was like, I did it. And I went in. But.

never fucked with me again never fucked at me again like I just realized that fucking rage and anger and all that shit will protect you from all these fucking pieces of shit out there and now rage rules

rage rules but I don't need it anymore oh I don't need it keep the cage open in case you do it or let it loose on anybody well you need it for your family if anybody fucks with your family but I don't need it no

what if a trans grabs your wiener Yeah What if you get accosted by a trans grabbing at your wiener? Because I'll tell you what I didn't do. Fight them. My inner rage didn't come at at all. My inner, let me get out of here before I discover

I love the touch of a man's hand on my dinglinger. It must feel better because they know how to hold it. It was a strange angle. So anyways, that's the stuff I'm doing in therapy now. I have all these stories. And it's bringing me back. And I'm going through it and figuring out why the things are wrong now. Staying in the world.

Keep thinking of the uncle times because I'm telling you, it's going to circle back around. You're going to see these guys, I don't know if they were wearing robes and candles type shit, but they definitely had you bent over something. They were just spitting you around for sure. There was no gay molestation with my uncles. Nobody wailed.

My ass has never wailed on. That's why you became a womanizer. I think I became a womanizer if you want that. where I started Because your uncle's treated you like a slut No, because my You're just a disgusting Because you were your uncle's little dirty slut

And then you had to dirty slut out some other chicks And make them feel less than Because you hurt people hurt people As you tell me What did Corey call a gym and them? I don't know what is it deplorable? No pig Filth pigs

Filth pigs You're a filth pig You're a filth pig You're a filth pig I may be a filth pig Bum bum bum bum bum bum You You

But the thing about the women I learned is because my mom and my sister never fucking protected me. I was like, fuck women my whole life because they never were there for me when I needed them. That's why you got dawn because she won't let you get raped. For sure. She would stop it. She would stop it. While your mother sat there idly watching it all happened smoking, I assumed long thin cigarettes. While she counted the money that you junked.

would give her to help her out. She was having misties. She was smoking misties. A little slim and nasty. You're all smoking misties and counting cash. Your uncles gave her to wail in your fucking tussie. Hey, David, you short five dollars. You're not going to finish until you find that five.

Bobby, how you're holding up, kiddo? That's so terrible. Bobby, how you're holding up over there? You doing good? We're going to make rent this month. So are you going to share a bedroom with 16 people? This is good though. Bill, build that rage. It's like what the lantern parents did to hit his son, except with rape and molestation.

Are you afraid? I'm actually, I'm actually, I can wear the ring now. Oh, totally. You took it. Dude, they fuck you until the ring falls out of your asshole. I don't wear the ring on my finger. wear it in my asshole. It's in your asshole.

Well, where's your ring if you're a lantern? Dude, don't ask. Don't ask. I had to go through a lot for this. It's where the lantern is. Here's where it turns out. When I was young, I thought I got molested. Turns out my uncles were all lanterns.

And they were just fucking sort of a power into me, I guess. Either way, I got the ring now, and it does work. So did you need to go through all that? I don't know. Maybe it's tradition. It's not. Guys, got to recharge my land. I got to recharge the ring.

You probably don't want to watch this? You know, I watched the final the final show. The latest one. Buddy, you're so... It's a finale already? It's already. No, there's three more.

Oh, really? Yeah. Dude, you're so off mark on this show. No, I'm not. You're, I think you're racist. Oh. I am. Yeah, I think that's the most racist show I've ever seen.

That's fucking crazy. You said, I think you're racist, and Jacob's response was, I am. Wow. Wow. That went quick. an exclamation point at the end. That went really quick. Not a question, Mike.

You're a racist, Jacob. I am. Before we get into the show, can we all agree that, I mean, John Stewart's powering has about as much power as an iPhone 4? The thing is always out of juice. Hang on, Jacob. 98%. Give me two seconds before you come back to that. I'm getting hard right now because I see a picture of a little spiff up there on the screen.

Oh, boy. Oh, my God. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm in uncle but I just wouldn't get this kid on my lap you're an asshole I want to let this kid drive on my lap Christine's a piece of shit look a little smiff spiff Kelly I think I have the actual one an actual picture by the a little spiff Kelly oh please dude I've given some great oh that's little spiff Kelly that's exactly what you like Angus Young except I don't know if he was raped by uncle Nobody was raped. These are ring bear outfits, by the way.

Oh, God, what a silly little boy you were. I think I have. Dude, what a little fuckable boy you were, Robbie. You were asking for it, dude? When they pick you up, were you eating a giant lollipop? You're just like little dolls to your mom, your teenage mother. Yeah. I have to agree.

I definitely wore, I mean, one of my pictures I have a velour suit on completely, remember? Did you hear baby pictures? Yeah, one of those old redhead ones. I'm wearing a full red valour. That's me when I got into kiss. Nice. Yeah. Is that also when you got in wearing your fucking belt up to the middle of your fucking chest?

Why your pants so high? That one bombed. My pants aren't high? I flubbed it because I was thinking of that line from the South Park, which is nice pants, why do you wear them up to your tits? I told you, I got into kiss because I never had any friends. And one day I was walking through the park, and they had the thing called Kids Day. and they were doing face painting

and they were doing kiss and I went up and I got Peter Chris and I didn't even know they were and I went home with it on and I was like I found out that it was this band and then I just totally got into kiss from that day on.

Did you realize months into your fandom of Kiss that they were laughing at you and they gave you the Peter Chris you went on as the kitten? You could have been the demon or the Star Child or the Space Man they made you the kitten. I know I fucked up.

They made you give you a little black nose A kid before me was getting Paul Stanley with the star. And the girl just gave me Peter Chris. I didn't really choose it. I think she wanted to draw kitten on my little spiff face. Hang on, hang on. I'm going to start doing. I'm going to start doing.

You're right. In that outfit, I look like a little kitty cat. I got some therapy here for you. You. Yep. Is this a better help? Yeah. Are you a licensed better help therapist?

Of course. Okay. You wanted to feel better. Yeah. You did. You want to think you have control. Can I give you your suggestion real quick when you're doing therapy as a therapist? You might not want to laugh during what you're saying.

Understood. You thought as a child a lack of control. You didn't have control over anything. You didn't get control over your wardrobe. You didn't have control over your uncles taking you and making you do. Horrible horrible things. Nobody did any horrible things. No one blames you.

I agree with the wardrobe. But the victim, the, the mistake. You were out of control. I was not out of control. You didn't have control. to just sit around and wear regular clothes, maybe some sweats with your friends, but instead they're dressing you up like a little sailor boy,

and they're passing you around the family. Nobody passed me around. And you lost control, and that's what it is. You try to gain, that's why you want to gain control in your life. Such a filth pig. That's why you're nobody's second fiddle at all.

You know, what do you mean nobody's second fiddle? You wouldn't be Dane. You didn't want to be Dane's other guys. You didn't want to be that. They didn't want to get passed around. You didn't want to get passed around by Dane. By Al Delbenny and Dane.

Before you know, you'd be to be one of those game, dude getting your fucking tussie wailed on by Kevin Spacey. He goes, well, it hurt, but I think he's gonna look at my script. He never looks at the scripts, Bobby. I might have been molested by Dane and Alda Benny and Brian Vogues and Barry Cat.

Oh, they ought to fuck your mouth. I was definitely fucked. Yeah. Oh, that's good stuff. Well, good therapy. Oh, wait, I don't want to jump too far off the lanterns. Why do you think he's right? I don't understand the racist thing.

I've only seen the first two episodes. Well, you remember the first, I think it was the second episode of the first episode, how the father was a Marine and the land, it chose him and picked him up in the middle of the night and said, are you afraid? And he went, yeah. And they said, gone, you don't get it. And he was all fucked up about that. He didn't understand what it was.

And then the alien came to the mother and was like, you know, we hear that, you know, what we did to him, we didn't give him the ring. He got all messed up and your family's suffering. We're very sorry. and she was like, you know, yeah, you don't think a black man in these days and a green thing comes in the middle of the night and picks him up and out of the bed and floats him. And you don't think he'd be afraid?

You don't think of black man? And she was like, oh shit, yeah, we didn't think of that. Why would they? They're not from planet Earth. Yeah, but dude. They've never been to Earth. Yeah, I understand that. And this is all make-believe anyway.

Okay, fine, not how he works. Explain to me better what Bobby just said. Who took who out of the boat? when the black kid was young. No, the black father. I'm going to say the father was chosen. You get chosen to be, get the ring chooses you. The ring chose the father.

But when the ring chooses you, it kind of put you in this green bubble and they ask, are you afraid? And you have to say no. Gotcha. But he didn't because he was. Because he didn't understand it. And then he fell apart. And they came back to him.

And he shot apples off his kids. No, that's not. He's going out. I got those to make him not afraid. I know that part. They came back to her and said, listen, we're sorry for what happened. And she's like, yeah, you don't think he's going to be afraid?

It was his wife now? In the 60s, it was the 60s or 70s? No, it's the 90s. 90s. You come down and ask a black man if he's afraid, and you pick him up out of the bed and green. Of course he's going to be afraid. You know, like there should be a little different rules.

But there shouldn't be. There should be D-E-I. But according to the show, a white man would, because he's privileged he has no fear. Yeah, that's crazy. Like anyone would be afraid if they were ripped out of their bed at night and asked if they were afraid to green bubble.

The father's a loon no matter what. He's a nervous wreck who shoots guns in front of his children shoots the TV out in front of his two kids and you're okay with this nonsense. No, no, no, no, no. It's bad writing. Shut up, he fell apart because he didn't, he fucked up.

He should have said no. Bobby has a lot of forgiveness in his heart for people that do terrible things. I don't know how you don't know that about him yet. He does people aren't bad at the course. I didn't search. I don't forget my stepfather. The people are good people.

Sometimes they let you drive on their lap. Sometimes they take you out and do things and call you Spiff and give you little fun nicknames. Before they do, world-class terrible things to a little butthole. Nobody did anything to Bobby's butthole until later in life. Oh, don't want that little boy to come in my face. I want that. Little spiff to come in my face. Bobby, little spiff to come in my face.

Do not change that to that, by the way. Why? It's so easy, I think, with a little AI. So adorable. So, I'm going to see if my mother will send. You want my mother to send you the spiff photo? So bad. Okay.

You think she has it handy all the time? She looks at it and realizes and goes, this is where I went wrong. Dressed them so sexy for those sons of bitches, brothers of mine. Actually, I've got to text my uncles and see if one of them have that. Oh, God. Yeah. He's like, oh, Bob. I got a lot of pictures of you.

I don't know if I could send a few of them over a phone. I don't know if it was legal to send some of these. So anyways. I want somebody to have an epiphany when I know them. Like, just as something terrible happened when they were young, they forgot. Maybe it's me. 100% it was you. Who got me?

You probably got yourself with household audience. That's why you do tummy time because you remember. That's how you used to put stuff in your ass. Oh, yeah, dude. Easy access. I learned how to watch TV like that laying on my tummy. Yeah, you're a grown man that has to lie in his tummy And pull his dick back and make a hamburger with his balls

It's a hot dog, dude And then watch fucking pedophile videos Damn, I would do like pedophiles getting justice While I'm laying on my tummy Come get me now, the hunters are out there I think you're gonna start right When I was your victim I think you gotta start writing stories

Damn, dude So anyways, he He said no, whatever But then she's holding her son, and the alien was like, he has qualities to be, he could potentially be a lantern someday. Black? The little baby. Because he's black, yeah. No, it doesn't matter black.

Extra bone in the air. No, no, no, there's not that. It's just that he's got the power. They see it. Neckful athletic system. So she's. I'm sure we're dancing around here. At any point in time, the black.

Lanter can jump higher than Kyle Chandler Well, that's the, I mean, here's the thing is that, so the mother's like... Kyle Chandler wasn't afraid when he was in the bubble because white privilege. Well, we don't know that. We don't understand. We don't know what that is.

Jacob told me. Well, here's the thing, is that... That's what the horrible dialogue tells you, so they believe it. So they say to the, she says to her husband, he's going to be the lantern. We're going to raise him with no fear. So at a very

young age they start doing stuff to just him they have other kids but they're like you know they put an apple on top of his head villainous atrocious things that parents should never do how about this how about what if we find out that misunderstood precious as parents in the film and book precious we're just trying to prepare her for lanternhood already said that we already talked about that and you said that exact same thing did i yep what i think that don't act like you don't act like you don't act like i i would be less blown away to me somebody else said it and you You said the same thing. What?

You literally said the same exact thing. Because we went over this before. But my point is, let's move past this because we already talked about this. But that whole thing, they raised like the ultimate soldier. Bobby, you just blew my brain so much. Maybe I was molested by your uncles. I'm starting to think I have a memory. Oh, my God.

It might be my fault. I didn't even live in Boston. I would just go up there for the... Uncle rapings. Why was I taking a train that young? That's the grossest little thing you've ever played. Yeah, no. You smell it.

So anyways, they raised this ultimate. Asshole. That's what he is. If you have no fear, you're going to be a little bit. Can I say it without your little jabs? You're right. They raised this ultimate soldier. And yes, it was extreme, but they wanted him to be the lantern someday.

No fear. So they did all this crazy stuff. But later on in life, he is that guy. He's not afraid of anything. And he's an insane show. He'll do whatever. He's not afraid of anything. I know.

Remember he fucked that sort of ugly chick in the car? I only sold the one episode. He's a simp for her. That's a lack of fear, though, big time. We find out in the latest episode, that's what... He was just using her for her car? No. That's one of her powers.

What? Paying his car. No. He can't not get that... needs that pussy so bad because she's got alien power pussy she's got her one of her one of the alien now the alien is not a man or a woman she chose to be a woman ew yeah a little trans allegory in there so one of her powers is that she makes men fall in love with her or whatever she is and then turns into a guy you're so gay i'm gonna tell everybody unless you give me what i want

that is a good power kind of but oh they should call her blackmail What a great name for a trans for a trans superhero, black male. That does it to just black eyes. Oh, dude, just fuck. Yeah, just fuck famous black eyes and then show them that you're actually a guy. I'm like, I got the pictures to prove all this. Bob, can I ask you one thing? Yeah.

Can I have a tissue? Of course. That's part of the alien's power. She seduces people. That's what the guy said. Right. Exactly. That's what the dialogue said.

What did you actually see anything that confirmed that? Yeah. Like, what did this woman do that he couldn't this? male model who could fuck any hot woman on planet can't resist this person. He's got a look. First of all. He's not across the board hot that guy. He's got a look.

You're right. Exactly. His eyelashes and eyes are fucking stunning. He's got a look. He's got a look. He's got a look, but I'll tell you, I'll tell you when a fine piece of chocolate walks across that screen and he ain't it. Well, he's close.

He's a good looking dude. He's close. Look at his eyelashes. He has long eyelashes for a man. I have long eyelashes. And I love them. Thank you. It's one of your best qualities.

My only good quality. No, it is not. Your hair, your lips. That's about it. A little tuss. That little tuss you love. They're against good-looking women. I'm convinced this show.

This town does not have good-looking women. That's right. So his options are from the limit. We agree. And he hasn't, he's only prepared to be a soldier. He's had no relationship. So the first piece of ass he gets, he takes. And she's with her superhero powers.

I mean, come on, dude. He can't fight it. He's not the lantern yet. Is that her? Yeah, that's her. Pook of Jonathan. Yeah, but he asks her, he does ask her, why did you choose that? Is her name Pornah?

And it's the lamest reason why. I swear all this dialogue, you and Lou are just eating it up. It's not. It's such garbage. she's 53. This kid's 20s probably now. He can't resist it.

She's literally the hottest person in this town. I'll give you that. If you're going to fuck anybody in this town, it would be her. What about Kelly McDonald over there? Who? The other girl from the show they just showed. Look, I have loved her

some train spotting. She looks like shit. They don't make her look good on this show. You're right. Yeah, dude, in this show, she's fucking. She was Diane. Bring up Poonie Jonathan. pornaginaginagin

pornaginthin poor degenathan Lou loves it oh she's done some nudity Christine if you wouldn't mind typing in pornage Njugababa nude please I'll look at that

She's not bad Yes she is You're right She's the hottest girl in that entire In that town All deplorable town Nobody Bobby do you really give a shit

About any character in this dumb show Black people exclusively I do care about Who? Why? The black people, obviously, Jacob. He's trained his whole life to be the Green Lantern. And then the Green Lantern, you're so bummed out because he became power and all this stuff broke him.

No, it didn't. That's what the dialogue. It's like the Tiger Wood story. He's the best. He's the only one doing work in that show. If you were the Green Lantern, you don't think you'd fucking break. We'd find you in Queens, drunk with hookers, all. fucked up.

Why do you write Hal Jordan like that? I get my dick sucked by fucking ring-created fucking bitches all night. Oh, you'd be terrible. Just sit back there, ring another bitch, suck it. Oh, I'm hard again. Ring another bitch.

You'd be eating a bunch of green cheese steaks. Yo, Jay would stay, you know, Lantern Jay would stay ringing bitches all right. Hal Jordan, no matter... Stay ringing bitches. No matter what they try to say about them,

the bad, the horrible dialogue to make him look bad, he's still the only likable person in the show. He's not likable. First of all, he's the Green Lantern. He fucking doesn't keep track of his ring power. He's got to take a helicopter, run back to charge his fucking ring like an iPhone.

Right, that's the bad writing. And that's not bad writing. It's actually good. Because guess who saves the day? Black. Yes. With no powers. He does it without being the Green Lantern.

The Green Lantern, his ego gets in the way. fucks everything up and almost kills all these people Look at Jacob, you don't have to convince me, buddy, I came into this, black people ruled for me well before the lanterns. They make John Stewart look out

to be bet. Everyone is made to be an asshole on the show. He got a little preachy, he kept fucking going on. Am I going to leave the show? Am I coming back? He did that old fucking Jay Leno thing.

I don't remember that. Sorry. Wow. Do you remember John Stewart retiring from the daily show and returning? So when you hear the name John Stewart forever before

this show the first thing you ever think is the Green Lantern. I'm in the zone. I forgot that I honestly forgot. He goes you know it's funny John Stewart. The lantern? No! The only other John Stewart anyone's ever mentioned. You're right. I forgot I was so

you know engaged in this. I forgot there was any other John Spewer than the world. You get hyped on superhero shit. He, so this guy's ego he wants to keep, first of all he tries to kill the guy. Right. That's how badly they wrote him. He just lets him burn up. No, he didn't think he was going to burn.

He thought he was just stuck. He didn't think the car was lighting on fire. They just let the car care careen into a pole. No, the girl did. The car caught on fire and the alien girl shows up and goes, lets him light on fire. Why? Because then she takes him to her spaceship or whatever.

And it's like, I can heal you. But you need to promise me something. You need to be on my side. And he agrees. Right? He agrees. So she heals his body. Deep.

What? It's very deep. So deep. Heels his body. Now, the Green Lantern, the guy he likes, this drunk fucking egomaniac narcissist. That's what they wrote him to be. Right? He fucking, he's like, I can fix it.

Fucks everything up. Gets everybody killed. What? The black green lantern says yes to her. Goes, gets a sniper rifle, blah, blah, blah. Goes, gets the ring, beats the shit. out of the green lantern because his ring's dead because he didn't charge it then takes

the ring has no charge it's so badly written this show he beats up Kyle Chandler yes black lantern beats him up because his ring's dead he's just a regular fucking lake dad at this point he's just a fucking oof the golfs on fucking Saturdays handsome though Jay this show

is so bad this ring can't hold a charge and they don't know how to write this show he used it a lot no he didn't use it he used it once Did he update it as he has the current OS? He basically, he only used it to make a can opener and it's at 90% loss. He's got me so.

So let me just say this, Jay. So the black lantern, right, no powers of nothing, the alien shows up. The black is his power. Yes. Shows up, shows up, right? And she's about to kill the lantern guy, right? The one he loves. Because he beat him up.

And she's about to kill him, right? And then he beats her with snaps. Your mama jokes? That'd be great. He beat it with straight snaps. So all of a sudden you look and he's got the sniper rifle and he kills the alien. Shoots her right in the head. But he loves her because he's got him under the spell.

I think you're an asshole. You don't like this show. I love the show. I know you don't. So Jay, check this out. He solves everything. takes care, without a ring. Black Lantern. Black Lantern does, kills the alien, the man killer, takes care of everything, shuts everything down.

How does he feel about Kee-D killing Tupac? Yeah? He says, yeah? He doesn't know anything about that. Doesn't want to talk about Kee-Feedee-D. So then he now he gets the ring, gets the lantern, goes to, gets the diamond heart out of the alien, goes to the aliens that give the ring, what do they call? The guardians. The guardians, and they're like, you're the guy, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, you know what? Damn right. That would have been awesome.

Oh, hell yeah. Know what he did? You know what he? Spoiler alert. First thing I'm going to make a boombox. You can't spoil the show. It's pre-spoiled. You'll make me a house made a boom box.

Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah. Now make me an ugly Indian bitch. I'm trying to get my tip wet. every woman on this show is a girl boss and every guy's a simp for them and then he finally Not all the girls are

The girl with her husband's leg cut off Which one? The one at the end With the She was The mom's the worst John Stewart's mom is a monster Why do you need your superheroes

To be hot, Supergirl The guardian I'm just saying they're all monsters Kelly McDonald she's a girl boss. She keeps telling John Stewart how to do an alien police business like he hasn't been doing it for 50

fucking years. No, I look at me. Gosh, sure he's a veteran. He was one of the first guys to get a show on MTV, but, you know, he still comes out every year and puts together that autism thing. I dig that. That's great. Because it's the other John Stewart. So we're at the end.

This guy fixes everything, solves everybody's problem. Without powers, by the way, just because the way his parents raised him. All right, I stole cable from downstairs. Now y'all got cable. Solve that problem. So then solves everything just by being the ultimate soldier that his parents raised him to be. No fear.

No fear. Gets the ring. Intelligence, smart, no ego, no fear. Gets the ring. Even though he's on an athletic scholarship. Takes it off and goes, leaves it. I don't think. What it did to him?

I don't want it to do to me. It did nothing to him. It did do it. Yeah, the writer said he had turned him. You know what a prick you'd be if you were fucking Green Lantern? Yeah. If they gave you the ring? What a, oh yeah.

What an asshole you'd be? First thing I do, Bobby, first thing I would do is I'd go after those fucking uncle's ears, dude. Don't give them what they deserve. No, no. A bunch of green fucking cocks up their asses. And I'll green lantern them all to be wearing little fucking spiff outfits. They're all going to sit there. They're all going to sit there, their little picky blinder outfits.

while fucking Uncle Jay Lantern fucking comes in and pounds their shitters for you. I'm doing that. My first order of operations. Nobody needs to pay. No. They'll pay. Nobody needs to pay. They will pay dearly. One day after therapy works,

you'll come to me and go, thank you for taking care of them. It's just, I think it's a great show. It's an awesome show. This show is the ultimate, the ember is new clothes. You're just such a, You see something there.

He hates black. He hates black lanterns for sure. You're just a fucking... What you are is a nostalgic nerd. And you don't like what they did. You don't like that they spiced up your guys. They didn't spice it. They destroyed it. They're bad writers.

So it was being a nostalgic nerd. It does stop you sometimes because I went into that new Crow movie. I watched... Terrible. I thought it was fine. I thought it was good. I enjoyed it. I thought it was terrible.

I enjoyed it at least as much as I used. enjoyed the original crow except the soundtrack was better for the crow the crow was a soundtrack and the whole movie was just everyone cared because he died that's what everyone gives a shit about it's not a fantastic movie i thought it was it's a loud non-sequit or bunch of scenes it means not it's so stupid the reason why the movie was great is because it's bruce lee's son and also the the the the the gothy fucking vampirey why don't you feel that way about his brusley son's other shitty movies i love bruceley's movies. No, Bruce Lee's sons

other she movies. I love those other movies. No one reveres fucking whatever. It's not big trouble in Little China but something like that. It's like him and Dolph Lundgren do something. I love that movie. I was a fan of it. I think it was called I forget what it was called but it was kind of a sucked. No, it was I think it was a variation of one of

his dad's movies. Like a name like that. Really? Yeah, he was a car. I thought it was great. I thought I liked him. A little overacted me. But I'm saying, Brandon Lee, well listen, he never got a chance to really fucking do his thing and the crow wasn't a big like talking heavy part. It's just like as a movie in general, it's like

I feel like it's like House of Thousand Corpses. I like it. I like it. It's Bob Zombie's first movie, but it's a music video. It's like a bunch of scenes thrown together. It's not really a good movie necessarily. Soundtracks unbelievable. But the new crow I thought was great because I don't have, I wasn't looking for nerd nostalgia on that. The new one? Yeah, I thought it was fine. I love the crow. I saw it five times in the theater.

I had the poster. I thought it was great. The soundtrack was, I played it all day long. fantastic. I loved it. I thought it was edgy and dark. There was no movie that was like that out. Sure there was. What? I don't know. There was no movie like that. That was like a weird new kind of genre movie of

action movie. Goth movie? Yeah, they mixed a couple things together to make that movie which I liked. It's like that's like the other movie. They made another movie just as strange days. That was another like around that time movie. But no one loved that one though really. That was what Juliet Lewis, Ralph finds.

I don't remember that one. But the crow, I don't know. I thought the new Crow was fine. I loved it. I loved that and true romance. They came out kind of near each other. True romance, fantastic movie. I loved I saw that and fucking nine times in the theater. Fun fact, true romance, natural born killers, same script, one long story. They broke

him up into two things. Did not know that. Tarantino wrote as one script. Whole thing, yeah. Could you watch them together and see that? I wonder, wow, that'd be great if he would ever do that. He's not gone to, but... Jacob, can I get you wound up on another superhero thing I was thinking today? Just out of the blue.

It's because I'm playing the Wolverine video game. But I'll say this. The X-Men fight all of their things right here on Earth. Why do they have spaceships? They have like spaceships in their possession. They don't fight these space stuff, the X-Men. Yeah, Jacob, why? The X-Men are usually on, like, Earth-fighting.

Right, but they're in, like, a lot of spaceships. I don't know what's happening there. They have, like, advanced aircrafts. Sure. It's not a spaceship. It looks like a spaceship. It's an advanced aircraft. but they don't they can't go to space with it.

It's doing space stuff, a lot of fire coming out of it. No, it's just going fast. They have, like, weapons that, like, have electricity that comes out first before something happens. Is that a new Wolverine video game, I heard? Came out this week. I heard he's, like, they insinuate, like, he's in a relationship with Sabretooth.

They're friends. They start out with Team X. The part I'm on Team X or Team X together. I thought they were brothers. They were brothers. They were brothers. They have a relationship, like, gay? I heard something. No, I don't think about that.

I don't know. What it is, is they... That would be wild. They're making characters of video games. I mean, they should. They have done that. They have done that. Where?

The Last of Us, part two, game? She's a lesbian. Oh, that's not gay. That's fun. It becomes a thing. It becomes a thing. It's like a story line. That's hot.

That's hot. If they had two guys, like, in Resident Evil, of two guys just... They're sucking each other off. Just suck and tell it. That'd be wild. I'm too scared to even sleep. Let me help you. you. And then the dog comes in.

My last thought on lanterns then. Okay. Since I guess we're wrapping up. You wish the lanterns would go back to where they're from? No. If they wanted to do a story on John Stewart, why don't just have him kicking alien ass on other planets like you're supposed? He will. When he becomes the lantern, he's going to go and kick ass. I guarantee. I was unnecessary to do this to Hal Jordan. Just leave him out of it.

Everyone liked Hal Jordan. You made it into this stupid. Dude, they've done the Hal Jordan. They've done two movies. Would you be a lantern overtaking a professional NBA contract? If you were a Black Lantern? I'm sorry, over the NBA, yes. Really?

A lantern? Yeah. 100%. You can make a bunch of cool stuff, but I mean, like... You can't live in a lantern house. Eventually it just turns to dust or something. Yeah, but you get to have whatever you want. Yeah, for a little bit.

Still, there's not a lot. And you have a duty also. You have to, like, stop crime. Yeah, but you also get to fly. You get to go other universes, other planets. I don't even, like, go on other countries. Yeah, but you would if you were the lantern. Not if I was a lantern that could also dunk a basketball.

But you could dunk a basketball if you were a lantern. You can't use your lantern powers in the NBA. It's unscrupulous. Yeah, but you could go to the NBA and get front row, and in halftime, use your powers to dunk and make everybody go nuts. Do you know what I love about you? What? You don't smoke pot at all, but you engage my pothead conversations.

I do. I do. I like that. That's because I smoked pot. I haven't written that in story yet. Really? When Little Spiff started smoking little spliffs? Let's make on you, Little Spliff.

That's when I turned to Kelsky. Little Spliff. Jacob, you just... This show was written by people who had no interest in Green Lantern and can't write. Their hacks. They shouldn't write one of your molestation stories. That's how bad they are. Oh, my God.

Now you just hurt. They're not good enough. Why are you so angry? You're happy that he got molested because he doesn't Because he enjoys the answers? I'm sticking up for you right now. No, you're not. No, Bobby, I got this, I think.

You're going to talk shit about a guy who got fucking, I mean, just teed off on by his uncles all because he doesn't, he likes to show that you don't appreciate that's not cool. The guy's asshole got worked over. I didn't get word. Nobody molested me. His mother said there smoking Misty's laughing at it, counting money. She didn't smoke misty's.

She smoked Parliament 100s. She's fucking parliaments 100s while he got fucking tagged up. That's at the point. Every one of them finishing all different places on his back and side of him all over his little fucking spliff's face. It deserves better writing. This is what you are. Over his tiny little bow tie? What you just said, what you just did?

Your life, your pain deserves more than these hacks. This is what you just did. You became that white lantern. You just got angry. Oh, old fucking drunk white lantern. God forbid. If you had power right now, you'd probably kill me. You'd probably, you'd probably.

I'm defending both of those lanterns. They're both written atrociously. They both deserve better. I'm not taking a side. I'm saying they're both written to be assholes. Big J. Ocason is going to be at Magoobis in Baltimore, September 25th, and the 26th. After that, he'll be in Cleveland, Seattle, and Denver for tickets in all at tour dates. Visit bigjaycom.

YouTube.com slash at Big J.okerson for his live shows and his specials are up there. Go subscribe when you get there, get in the comments. And be sure to check out Legion of Skanks and Story Wars. Two of the greatest podcasts out there right now, wherever you listen. Bobby Kelly's going to be filming his new special. How about that? Saturday, December 12th. Yeah.

Up in New England. Tickets are on sale right now. Get them. They are going to sell out. So get them right now at Uptown Uptown Uptown, P-V-D. Paul Victor David, Uptown, P-V-D. And Bobby's going to be on the road. Brooklyn Improv, New York, Saturday, September 26th.

After that, Port Charlotte, Florida, Boston, and New Orleans, all on deck. For tickets and all tour dates, go to punchup.com. Slash Robert Kelly. Check out his YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy. Make sure you check him out live. Any Tuesday night, you're in New York City. 7 p.m. the Fat Black Pussy Cat Lounge at the Comedy Cellar. And make sure you listen to you know what, dude, and the regs, his podcasts, wherever you listen.

We'll be right back. It's the Bonfire.