The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Live From “Just for Laughs” Montreal (feat. Brad Williams, Jimmy Carr, Guy Branum, Rich Vos & Pete Correale)

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Brad Williams is in studio as Jay tells the gang about working on the new J.Lo movie “Hustlers” (not Blade 4). Jimmy Carr body shames the comedy community, Guy Branum & Rich Vos discuss intimacy differences in make out sessions and Pete Correale stops by and gives DJ Lou an ultimatum. 

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio, serious XM95, or on demand on the serious XM app. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM.

Hey Camers, it's Black Blue and welcome to the bonfire's Best of the Week. Brad Williams stopped by on a Monday show as Big J revealed he was not on the set of Blade 4, but actually on the set of a forthcoming J-Lo movie called Hustlers. He talked about how great she looked and his awkward attempt of making conversation with the superstar. The trailer for Hustler looks good. Yeah, just read it. Hustlers, yeah, it was really fun.

Fantastic. Of course, the equal talk a bunch. Congratulations. The man watching J.Lo do that dance. We had one interaction. I think I told that on the show. And I just, no, you didn't say it was J.Lo though. Yeah, but it was, yeah, we said it was the person

who's probably dating Alex Rodriguez. Yeah. We tried to find our way around it. But now it was, you know, I just said that in the 50 years old man, defies logic, J.Lo's body. It's pretty unbelievable. She's 50? Yeah.

50 years old. 50 makes Christine look like a goddamn pig. You know who else is that? It's JLo. It's JLo. Heidi Klue. I believe in Christine's my chick. I love her. I think she's pretty good. You know what does her JLo? But JLo it's JLo I Seems my chick I love I think she's you don't deserve JLo, but JLo you're right. I deserve a pig Compared to JLo compared to JLo pig now you go get a pig in the world now you sign up to JLo

You sign a fucking five-year deal for two hundred and twenty-five million playing for the Texas Rangers You get JLo well now, but sometimes in your life if you sign a deal Yeah, if I get that to you on paper for sure Then we go J-Lo. Till then, you know Christine Here is J-Lo. If I hang in there long enough eventually I can get an 80 year old J-Lo It'll fall apart eventually you can jump in. What year do you think I get fuck share now? What do you think what year do you think J-Lo falls off where it's like you just can't put the egg back together again?

What year do you think JLo falls off where it's like you just can't put the egg back together again? 60 she might have another decade man 75. I mean, I mean I think Fuck I'm telling you she is right now Desirably fuckable. Yeah, so feel like 65 Really now like 65 tell me you tell me grumpy old men, you're in throw the bang. Fine. Fine. So feel her in. I've got 65. I got a five because I'm on team soda for this one. Well, I know she was gorgeous old. I'm not saying, but now all of a said, remember who you always heard looks so great as an old

lady. And then just vanished one day still alive. Rock Hill Welch. They never bring up because she's like, because she must have finally, yeah, and she did. Yeah, you eventually hit the wall. So feel a rent, I think, just yeah, and she did yeah, you eventually hit the wall So feel the rent I think just like but she was way into her 50, but I a low's got a decade possibly more of still being like Holy shit. I want to fuck her not wood which hat which happens first J. Lo falls off Tom Brady retires Tom Brady retires. Yeah, I got I gotta go Tom Brady no J. Lo is like her butt I mean I watched her do her whole I guess whatever her solo strip tease routine is you watch the whole thing as they show in the trailer a little bit. Yeah JLo's like she on

Her body was I'm She's first and foremost a dancer. Whatever it is she looks unbelievable We'll put her in this movie with constant swoo. Okay, who is hot as hell, but it's against all relative. And she almost, what he did, they're seeing when they were walking in the room together, you literally can't see her when it's profile, but JLo's body blocks Constance, whoo out of the way. Were you there, you were there?

You were there, I was there, I was there, the Cardi B day. I think you had her new boobs. That's a rock hell. She got new boobs? Yeah, new boobs. I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, I was there, the Cardi B day? Yeah, I was there the Cardi B day. I think she had her new boobs. That's a rock hell.

She got new boobs? She had her new boobs and I think she was wearing, yeah, because where her pasties were, would not have been where they would have been historically learned to these. Well, I had to have been one of the first things she did was just like, if you had, I think she would have-

I think she would have- How many money and got surgery as soon as you get money, you're probably getting a better surgery. Yeah, I think she did. Just keep up great. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what though, again surgery as soon as you get money, you're probably getting a better surgery. Yeah, I think she's right. Just keep up great. I'll tell you what though, again, when you see them in person, like she's obviously hot, sure to be, but she's very short and like when you see those proportions in person, it's not quite as hot as you think it's going to be.

Well, they look fat. They do. That's what it is. That's what it looks fat. That's the point. I was throwing out, they were fat girls now. They're like thick bitches. That's what it is. That's the point. I was going out. They were fat girls now.

They're like thick bitches. Not her waist. Show us. I'm saying not throwing some. She's sick. Oh, I'm happy. Thick is the style. You guys, you guys better pray.

I don't get like serious Netflix money because I'm getting the worry. I'm getting a limb lengthening surgery. Yeah. All right. You see five, one, eight, seven. Yeah. I'm so big. Butening surgery. Yeah. You see Friday morning? 7. Yeah.

I'm so big. But that's what it is. She had a slim, her body wasn't, she was tiny. Yeah. But even I got up her body was like thick and she had the big titties. But the ass, it actually looks like, it looks a little, I get that it photographs in the videos and when you're bending over it all smooths out but like just her rest it looks kind of odd. Really? Yeah but she's hot obviously I'm just saying it just like that looks up JLo is a different thing. JLo just walks around like a

horse legs. Yeah horse legs. I'm trying to see what she looks yeah because she walks in in that scene and you're like well in the commercial first one second you see her in a thing where she's like dental floss upper ass and that's the scene that's what she was wearing when I was watching you saw our button dental floss. I sat and played candy crush Listen to Howard Stern and watched her Do that dance like seven did you see your butt in the dental floss? Yes, oh man That is bonkers dude you can't be out of shape trying to fuck a 50 year old J. Lo that's in like Alex Rodriguez has to go to the gym every day Yeah, he's still on a steroid routine. Yeah, he's like, I just got a

Keep up with JLo and you're one interaction with with JLo was just you. Oh, yeah, when she walked up, you got to Brad. Yeah, what happened here? I had a picture in my head that she was gonna go me. Yeah, I had a picture in my head. Of course, you walking over some point because she had to walk over and put money down Yeah in front of me and say like Was my character's name my character's name too. I'll try to know what it is. Oh, okay, so calling you it Yeah, forget what it is. I might be Gary. Oh Car dealer number three. Yeah, whatever is nommed it. I'm the strip club DJ Okay, so she slaps my down says play it whatever and please be here. So when there was all the all the breaks the pauses

When they yoke I'm sorry it takes hate talk Yeah, this is turning to it. She was kind of speed there in my house like here's what's gonna happen where she's gonna say How's it how's it going some version of a how's your day going and I was gonna say oh? How's it how's it going some version of a how's your day going and I was gonna say oh, you know Just live in the life of a fake strip club DJ nothing big and you had that plan and instead I just I didn't wait for His question. She is like turn around like casually never really interested in talking to me It seems I just caught eyes at me long enough for me to go just live in life of a fake strip club DJ No, and then our assistant went I went yes, he uh she got it

Hey, it's black lu again and on show, comedian Jimmy Car pointed out to Dan and Jay that while Americans are dying from opioid addiction, comedian seem to be dying from poor nutrition. Listen here. You know, they think with podcasts now, it feels like it's the Wild West. If there's anyone can do anything. I wonder has anyone ever done something sponsored by a drug? But it's amazing actually how, I mean, I'm not a drug guy, but it's amazing's amazing how popular they are without like because you talk to people and advertising and marketing and let's go

Well, people need to hear about products and they need to know the benefits and we need to advertise Coca-Cola And I give you I'll tell you mark Coca-Cola delicious drink great. I can't fault it But drugs do so well without any of that marketing not not one flyer. It's extra not not a flyer Not even a card. They don't. All you do is give a little teensy bit for free. And then you're up.

It goes into the name. One sample. And you're good. By the way, the drug's on. I don't know if you do because like people would find it. People will pay for the first time. But if you just go to the people,

if you want to be an entrepreneur, no, I think I think I'm gonna disagree there, because I think the, you're opiate crisis. I mean, congratulations, by the way. Thanks. You seem to have everyone hooked. Yeah, we got everybody. But the idea that you call it.

The heroin used to be like, it was always a very small niche. heroin's not sort of, doesn't kill you. People can be on it for vast amounts of time. Sure. It's the crime associated with it and the lifestyle that's terrible. And then the opiate crisis here, the idea that you went,

what have we got doctors to give this to? Yeah. And how about we got doctors that give you 25 times the pack? What's crazy about the opiate epidemic is that you're talking about marketing for drugs. There's like a whole thing now with fentanyl where heroin dealers are doing a thing called hot packing it where they're putting fentanyl in their heroin.

It's killing people and that's- But, but. They get more customers when it kills it. Is that they show up in their like, how about that? There's a way of thinking there wasn't there, whether there's a how close to death can you get to not die this kind of a bragging rights thing. It's like base jumping.

It's really interesting that they're fake fentanyl as well coming from China now. It's an extraordinary sort of- The synthes really interesting that they're fake fentanyl as well coming from China. It's an extraordinary sort of... The synthesized shit that they're like sending over and there's like companies in China that... I thousands times more powerful than heroin. You gotta go. If drug dealers are using heroin to take the edge off... Yeah!

You know it. There you go. Don't worry, we tampered it down with some heroin. You see that thing I did for Netflix. I did show for Netflix not that I want to promo. Yeah, now you go. Don't worry, we tempted it down with some heroin. We did see that thing I did for Netflix. I did show for Netflix not that I want to promo. Yeah, that's good. Let it rip. I did a show for Netflix called The Fix.

So it was me, DL Hugley and a Gokawkhavenrine, and they were arguing. We're getting the audience to vote on things like trying to solve the big problems in the world. Sure. And we talked about the opiate crisis and we weren't really what they should do is those grug ads. Should be realistic and talk about the down like, because they talk about the downsides. But they don't, they go, my cause, you know make-alls But they never go you'll lose your teeth. Yeah, do you like your kids? You won't see them anymore

Yeah, they go government's gonna take them with drugs are so good as well I say that there's commercials telling you not to take drugs Sponsored by the drugs by the drugs. Yeah, they're like I love that I love that the cigarette companies pay for those ads that Are they working in the sense they make me change the channel? I haven't quit smoking from but it's like They have the the scenarios where kid walks into a convenience store It's like a pack of cigarettes. Please turn that as teeth and they go pay up and he takes out like a pliers and rips his Fucking teeth out of his head and like you know

Because cigarettes cost more than just money as the commercial. But then it says the bottom. I've sponsored by Philip Mawick, paid for by Philip Mawick. It's the, yeah. It's a battle company's pay for these horrible things. Maybe we go, yeah, we got so much money people.

That's what it is. I'll show you. Have you seen the one in the UK now? There's a new ad in the UK, which got a lot, it was very controversial, which is, it just basically says, obesity causes more cancer than, obesity causes more cancer than, obesity causes more cancer than smoking.

And it's like, and a lot of people kind of came out and went, that's your fat-shaming people and that's disgraceful and you can't do that. And they went, no, no, with a, you know, British Heart Foundation or with a, you know, cancer UK. Yeah. No, no, if you're overweight, you're gonna get cancer and die.

Yeah, I know. Like, we're really kind of quite hard-nosed about it going, no, no, it's not, it's not like, I'm not happy in fact. No, no, if you're overweight, you're gonna get cancer and die. Yeah, I know. We're really kind of quite hard-nosed about it going, no, no, it's not, it's not like, I'm not happy in fact, no, no, you'll get cancer and die. I feel in America, in America, we would immediately fold. And we'd be like, we're so sorry.

We were sponsored by Country Buffet. They wanted us to get the message out. We were just wanted you guys to go eat. We were just trying to herd you fatsoes to the fucking buffet line. That's a great statistic to find out. So I should continue to try to lose weight. You look great.

Not worry about smoking cigarettes. What do you mean you look great? He always thinks he's still fat. What if you got body dysmorphion on his behalf? Yeah, he's infected me with it. How are you looking at him? You look great. He does, he looks, he's lost a lot of weight.

I mean. I've known him for a while. What are you? Yeah, but you're judging it by the wrong bar. It's working, shut up. Compared to a regular human, Jay, you need to get yourself in shape, I love you, but you need to lose a lot of weight.

You know what baby, you know what baby, you're good. You know what baby, you're good, you know what some chocolate. I'm not married to a mom here. You give out smoking and you need to lose weight because you think of like, there's a cutoff point in life where you go actually long term. Neil Brennan had a really interesting point on it where he was saying most of the people we know

that have died because they ate badly other than drugs and alcohol. In our kind of generation of comics, it's like, I don't know a lot of people that have died. He did a bunch of drugs and stuff. It's mainly. Patrice was in drugs at all.

Yeah. No drugs, petrice is big. Well, whatever they're putting in the crust of that pizza. Yeah, that could help. Yeah, to roll though, that was drugs. Yeah, it's drugs. Yeah, he's the only one who reads out, that was drugs. But then Mike the Stefano was a heart attack.

And yeah, he was like a heavy guy, heavy in the middle. Yeah, the worst time. William Stevenson, heart attack. William Stevenson had a heart attack, yeah. That's also that thing of like, who had Keith at the stroke, didn't he? Yeah. Oh, you got that kind of, I mean, he's.

That gets scary as shit. Well, yeah, Robert Kelly next year. He's got a death pool. Hi, dude, you the year after. Ah, the year after. But that's more of sadness. Don't put that on me. Don't put that evil on me, really.

That was sadness. Bobby Kelly's got the best bit about, I think the best bit I've heard anyone do You're after. But that's more of sadness. Don't put that evil on me, Rick. That was sadness. Bobby Kelly's got the best bit about, I think the best bit I've heard anyone do about being fat, but he talks to another fat guy in the audience that goes, how many fat, how many on now? How many fat? So you want him? He's lost it, put it back on, lost it, put it back on.

He talks about, do you remember that routine he did about hiding the sweets and the cupboards? Yeah, he's like, is there a hair on it? You, sorry, you hit the candy in the top and the behind the thing. Like I'm really, that's gonna stop me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he talks about his wife sucking on one Hershey kiss. Yeah, that's a, that's a thing where it's a different

generational thing because 80s, all the comics died of cocoa overdoses, 90s. I was joking around about Keith, where he's like, y'all generation doesn't have any me-toes. And I go, yeah, because we watched you guys sexually harass all the waitresses. We're like, in the submission. You got to fucking, we got to work with these people.

Guy Brannum stopped by the show Wednesday to talk Glass-Dildos with Dan and Jay. Then, the legend Rich Voss joined in and asked the big question, what's more gay? To blow a guy or make out with him? To and in for the thrilling answer. Every time I see a glass dildo, I'm like, for who? You know, who has it, who wants a dildo, but to be doing things with it that are precise enough,

that you're not going to break that and damage yourself. I've heard great things about the glass dildo as far as the... That's a tough, tough glass. What I'm more surprised by is the fact that since the vibrators come around, let's call it Edison's time. Who's still buying Dill? Who needs the stationery still? Maybe, I don't know, I would seem like stationery might be a safer alternative if you're less of a

dare to. Well, I think for boys, like, you don't necessarily want that kind of mechanical vibration, you sort of want a feeling of fullness, and maybe some thrusting. There it is. And that's just a low-key, no battery dildo. I like that there's a beautiful range that some of them are so stylized that you're just like, this is artwork

that evokes the penis, that thing. That penis. And then I like those vans. I think that those vans are like, this is artwork that evokes the penis, the pain that penis. And then I like those vans. I think those vans are like reminding me of magical moments from my own past. Yeah. When me and Christine have gone, we'll call it dildo shopping. And inevitably, I always look right away

and go, this one that I have to throw over my shoulder, like a cartoonish, huge black dick, thinner at the base, bigger in the middle. Wait, so you like one that plumps up in the middle and it goes back, like a snake eating a rabbit? Because then it has like a genuine heft and it really like, like dangle hang. Do you like it because also it gives you

like a little bit of a sword thing where it'll stop your hand. Look, I get it because I want it, yeah. Oh, yeah, oh, look at all that, yeah. Well, I'll start with it. Dan from a clearly practical standpoint, if you put things up a butt that don't have like that, that, that base, you, they can get lost in a butt. He's man. You watch videos of us on air and it's haunting. Made you. Did I make you? Yes. This is where vanilla Dan came from. I may have made yeah You did you were like watch this in a woman put a vibrator in her butt. I was like no and it was like I'm very comfortable with who I am Dan also shut down gay porn month, but oh I thought it was hilarious when we watched the gay porn involving the gymnasts because it was on brand

Mm-hmm And then when you were just making the crew watch other gay porn, I felt that a little in a What's gayer to make out with a guy or blow him blow him? No, what do you think? I? Don't know to make out here. Why making out is gayer? Because you're showing affection when you make out you're connecting with a person what depends how you make out oh Like you clean your ass. No, aggressively. Yeah.

Below the, is it because of the intimacy? Yeah, I think it's more intimate to make out with a guy. Below the guy you might just be doing a dare. Guy, can we get your opinion on this, please? There's not a whole lot of intimacy and two dudes making out with each other. I mean, there can be, but the vast majority of the time, it's just, you know, drunk people doing shit for the three and a half minutes before we start blowing it.

No, but what about two guys that are married in love? It's the same as a husband guys that are married in love. It's the same as a husband and wife being married in love. I mean, I don't make any more of my wife, because we've been married for too long, but... That seems very straight and domestic to me. Two guys who are married, making out with each other, is boring.

Guys, fucking each other in a bush. That's my homosexuality. Yeah. Thank you very much. What a load of... Like, seeing a stranger on the streets of San Francisco, not saying anything and then just going to a slightly dark place and fucking each other, that's the core of our community. No clue why anyone could be homophobic. Get things done in the community. Jesus Christ.

It's like when football players call each other out for hits, they're like, you, wham! And then just go their opposite way. So if I see a gay guy by a bush, get in there. Run. What do you think your ass hole for is so good. You've been waiting for that moment. Hi, this is Jacob and we all knew this day would come. On Thursday,

capping off a week in Montreal, the great Pete Corielli from the Pete and Sebastian show stopped by and gave DJ Lou an ultimatum. Choose, once and for all, between the producers two shows. It's either the Pete and Sebastian show or the Bond Fire. Is this one on? Yeah, it's on. Can Lou hear us? I think he is. Oh, you can hear us, right? Yeah. Lou, okay.

I did the podcast with Sebastian in this room right before this, right? And you told us, oh, you gotta be out at 5.30. You gotta haunt out at 5. I come back in here to get something that I left in the room. You kicked us out for your fucking two buddies over here. For your smoking buddy, so you could do your show

where you love us. Yes. You got to pick a team guy, all right? You either do the peed and subash and show or a bonfire. You got until soda gets back from Scotland to figure it out. When I let you double dance anymore. Oh my, Pete's the only practice for this.

Remember, I kept saying this day would come. You, we told you at one time you'd have to make a choice and air getting King Solomon. I told you these gindaloons, these man of guts wouldn't let you just double dip like that. That honors all talk, Lou. I know that every day, and you know, we're only once for an hour every week, but you sit on your ass the rest of the week,

away from us to get back. I'll tell you the big thing, week, wait for us to get back. Outside the big thing, Pete, I will let you know, the big thing is that me and Dan let Lou, he's very touchable with us. You know, he gets to go backstage at our shows and Sebastian put him in the 700 sections over the garden to watch him from a distance. And when Lou was like, can I get a little bit closer? I heard Sebastian handed him opera glasses

Well, it loose shouldn't take that personal because when I open for Sebastian He dropped me off at a separate hotel That's more of a Sebastian thing Lou don't feel as bad now. I'll beat I know you got it right Yeah, don't want you guys man. Keep up the great work. Thank you so much, man. Pete Corgall, you did a podcast. Pete's a blast. And Lou, you got some decisions to make. My girlfriend was younger than me in high school. And to make it worse, she fuck. She's Dr. thumb. Hook over the nose. While also in this hand rubbing a piece of ribbon, she called silky.

This was a girlfriend of yours? A long time, girlfriend. You dated her a tardily? Suck her to a thumbnail life. How are the beages? That's what I was thinking early. I've told this on stage before, but I thought they were bad because she was just just you know, we were young and I didn't even know what a good one was But I thought it was a little shallow. Yeah, and what I would consider not a real, you know

throat basher sure of a dick and it turns out she wasn't bad I Filmed one time and then went profile With a Sony handy cam and then yeah as my dick would get halfway in her mouth, my stupid gun and belly would knock her forehead back. Hey, it's Big J. Ogrison and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8pm Eastern on Comedy Central Radio Series XM 95 or on demand on the Series XMF.

Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at sexm. been a Comedy Central Podcast.