The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Mark Normand In Studio & Big Jay & Dan Broadcast Live From The Marilyn Manson & Rob Zombie Concert In New York

Episode Date: August 24, 2018

The Bonfire welcomed the great Mark Normand to the studio this week. He told the crew about his fastest hook up ever ...11 minutes! Then Big Jay recalls being a kid playing in a JCC basketball league in Philly and seeing a very young Kobe Bryant perform super-human feats on the court. Comic Shane Gillis tells the tale of when his Catholic school basketball team played and JCC team and lost. Then, a Bonfire first. Live from Jones Beach at a Marilyn Manson/Rob Zombie concert Dan and Jay interview fetish provider Ashley Badd. Finally, everyone loves a self-deprecating comic but Big Jay recalls the early comedy of Justin Silver being quite different.

You're listening to Comedy Central. So be sure to follow us on all social media at the bonfire SXM Our guests today is one half of Tuesday's with stories more importantly He's one whole of the awesome mark dormitory Good to be here gonna be back you were talking about hookup stories. No fastest street to meet No. Fastest street to meet. Street to meet. Fastest street to the bed. It's my favorite food truck. Yeah, I'm going to hear Mark's story first.

It was quick. It was quick. It was quick. 11 seconds is right there. I got it. I got it. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous.

11 hours is like a romantic tale. Right. But nobody wants that. You know, after you start getting laid a lot, you go, ah, I don't want to do any work. You don't want to do any work. You get selfish and efficient. But I was a song to this gal,

these girls were like swarming David Tell on the sidewalk. So he brought me in to like take the buffer. Is this in the West Village? This is at the Comedy Cellar, McDougall. This is a couple of years back. And I had an apartment on Bleaker Street. I remember that. Yeah, it was Machae. Yes, exactly. and I had an apartment on Bleaker Street. I remember that. Yeah, it was Mace.

Yes, exactly. And I had a tiny bedroom and I had no like heat or anything in there was pretty gross. Nothing on the walls. Ikea bed. So I'm talking to this lady and David tells me pulling me into like try to like get them off him. And this woman's like, oh, I finally got the night off. My kids are hell.

She was like this. Julie Brooklyn lady. What's that jui area way out in Brooklyn? Brown Heights Uh, burrow park burrow park like she was like, you know wig. Yeah, like oh my god. Yes, like that My god is the god for the night David's hell. I loved and so I'm yeah Yeah, bad tan tons of makeup like big titties big to hot mom wearing a wig. No, I made that up She was like a blue font hair kind of yeah kind of big like Fran Dreschner style

Yeah, but like but like but like big titties Well Yeah, she's nice nice nice nice Jewish cans and So as a joke I'm like half in the bag she's pretty drunk and I just say fuck I go well why don't we just go back to my place kind of like throw it out there and she goes where is it and I go That's like three blocks that way she goes let's go what was it and we went back to my place She was like super scary aggressive Jewish lady. She's like take your pants off And I was like you better not have a small dick, which is the scariest

That is a lot of pressure for for was that pre pants take off? Yeah, I was like mid-chimmy, you know You better not have it small clock. Yeah, I don't think I fuck what am I doing with She had a leather pants on she had a great body. She was like a you can tell she was a mom who took care of her Some she's like finally I'm getting you show this off. Yeah, my ex husband doesn't deserve it. Yeah, you hear that? Rico you fucking ass. Oh, she has those horse legs. Yeah, strong. Yes. Yes Strong mom legs, right? She's like naked tan. Oh, yeah, and she had heels on the whole thing She was hot and so I'm helping to get the leather pants off like I got one leg, you know pulling off the ankle and She gets in bed. She's just straddles me and she says,

you're gonna put it in my ass and I go, sure, so she's on top of me facing me and I put in her ass and after a couple pumps, she starts squirting on me. Squirting on me like it's hitting my chest. Good girl. It was hot and we just banged and bang, I'm covered in just vaginal juices.

It was wild and we fucked for a while. And then we finished and I'm just laying there and I have no heat. It's the middle of winter. So my room is free. You cut her open and slept in her? If you were off. This wet, yeah, it was off.

It was wet, and it's everywhere. And now we're sleeping and we're trying to find that inch of bed that's not wet. And she's like, what do you live in squalor? Cause you know, we're doing the sex. She couldn't notice. And so I was like, this place is a dump. I was like, this is how I live. Who's your realtor?

I know mocknorma.com. So then she was like, I can't live like this. And by the time I was like four or five in the morning, so she just left and went home. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, but it was a quickie. Shane Gillis, everybody.

Yeah. When I turned like 13, I guess it was or so and we started going to the Jewish community center then Lower Marion kids were come played there too Do I sell Kobe Bryant his friend Rory, I believe his name was 14 years old what they I would just be like they have powers I'm like human beings can't jump that high you were just isolated from Black athletes until you were 13 no In the no, I wasn't really except for there was no organized sports in my thing So it was pick-up games. Okay, do you know? I mean yeah, and like the neighbor like the we'd play by like my house with my friend You know, I mean and it was like there was always black and white kids there

Yeah, the most part but like I think a good way to put this we speak tomorrow about my friend Randy Rellifer to I came up to Yeah, but Randy Rellifer wasn't like you'd think like the slam dunk, you know, he was like a smart kid academics I mean Johnny Jones was his best athlete best athlete. Yeah Describe a black dude as not slam dunk type. Did I hear that? I mean, that's, I mean, I think I thought those are guys's Philly code. He's like, yeah, they don't slam dunk or not. He's a different type of black. You know, ones that don't slam dunk. It's either a slam dunk or a Hail Mary. Yeah, a Hail Mary. Yeah, was he a Dunker or thinker? Yeah. He's more of a cage.

I'm not even like a player cage. Like, dude, that's fucking. No, he's still had the extra bone. I'm not saying he wasn't athletic. Did you mean the Greek? I'm saying that. I'm not saying that at all. No, and I'm sad I didn't play it black.

I just say it. but you're saying lower Mary and that's the first time that you were like. That Kobe Brown was first to be saw somebody at that level. I guess when I'm saying these are kids, it's Kobe's brother. Because my neighborhood younger than 13 went like, went like pretty like half and half black in Jewish,

but and then the Italian kids from down the hill. You just saw a lot of white, I saw a lot of white kid athletics and these kids who grew up in a neighborhood, listen to the black kids, they were like, oh, should I grow up in a half-chewish neighborhood? Yeah. So they had the influence of that.

So everyone kinda got like, I love Kinesh. The good guys were the good guys black and white. But you know what I mean? The guys who were like mid-level good in any sports like me was black and white kids too. What's funny is you going from the JCC to Kobe Bryant? That's what it is.

Yeah, I mean, one of the greatest basketball players, if not the top three, top five. Black Mamba. I know. Yes. Alan Iverson. There's people that are passing the steering wheel. And then Alan Iverson, then Alan Iverson,

who came back to the Sixers, and then Kobe Bryant. I go Lafonso Ellis, Chonzi Billux. Chonzi Billux. To Cambin Motumbo, Chonzi Billux. You really run it out. Dude, the JCC is, so you played for the JCC? No, not for them, I just, that's where we just go after school and play there. Oh, all right.

You could just play, it was like a rec center, but it would happen to be like the JCC. Did they have a team, the chosen ones? We have fun. The six points. But I was wondering if you guys got, because my Catholic team played against the JC The water We started to lose things got

Yeah, well yours you're fucking you anyway You guys got school ties on them There's no one's gonna come down on you for it. Yeah. No one's gonna come down on you for it. You can just walk away from that one. I pre-stacked. I pre-stacked.

Actually, all right. Well, this is probably not the best story, but yeah, I pre-stacked. Actually did. He was like, were you guys saying shit like that? Because I guess they had a little chat with them. He goes, the rabbi coach. Yeah.

He's just the rabbi's their coach. Since you guys have a pre-stay of a rabbi, I was like, what say what are you doing that is he he was saying stuff about our kids right to their faces. It's for snick it kid comes up yeah and tells one of my boys. He goes uh the priest is because you know what this is uh I should have a private consultation with this player you're absolutely right. He kept saying take a long kite ride. And I knew what he was messing it up on Paiwis. I knew what Paiwis. Messing it up.

Paiwis. We have an awesome guest sitting with us right here. We saw earlier, it's Ashley Bad, everybody. Ashley Bad. Lovely. Thank you so much. Finish performer. You say finish performer, how hard core does that get?

It gets pretty hard core. Cocking ball torture. No, no car, no balls. Not even for the right price. Black loose stands for standby. Not even for the right price. Cocking ball torture. How much are you paying?

I don't know. Do you pay by the inch? We might fall off. I was going to say it depends. He's going to be canvas. I don't know. Do you want to just do corner work? You want to focus on the head the middle part. I mean each one's gonna be work. I just want to do it right now I mean

Talking ball torture. I'm dressed for the occasion. You are you are a D dress for the occasion You are dressed in what Dan believed was fruit roll up I knew was late text and then started to think myself it might be fruit roll What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen at a fashion at a fetish expo Is like it was like the javit center? No, I do fetish events actually. I'm a part of like a monthly fetish event called stimuli that happens on lower-side Stimulate yeah, nipple torture. No, I mean anything can happen They do like golden showers on stage.

Really? Yeah. I mean, I would worry about being able to piss while everyone watches. Right guys? Picking while people watch? You don't have to be pea shy though. They're peeing on you. Oh, I mean, you can't read the brochure.

I mean, I can get pissed on all day and not worry about people judging me. I'm worried about having to pee on someone and locking up. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You guys, fuck fuck fuck. Hold on. Let me look at the wall. Can you turn on that faucet? Guys, can we get to do this? Pour that poem and it springs out next to me. Come on, pee on me. You're not trying to say what you're saying. I just say what you're saying. It is not helping.

You're saying that it's not helping. They're yelling at you during your golden shower. They're peeing. You're getting stage fright. Yeah, piss you, quief. I'm swerding out. I'm trying so hard to piss. Can you please stop? Can you please stop? So can you be coffee you're making me not pee you're making me very upset and I can't pee what I'm upset Here here's a pot of water put your hand in this Better can you not look at me? What was the craziest thing you've been asked to do when you were like can't do it can't can't

Well Shitting is one of them. Can I say shit on oh? You can actually shit here if you want I'll shit right now. No, I just did it Rock and roll it's rock and roll here. Yeah, you know, it's evil. It's shit your pants are walking around in it You said no, you said no to shit. I didn't say no. I can't like shit on command like I can't like like I had a guy offer me a meal He's like what if I took you out like for a heavy duty barbecue? Afterwards, would you be able to take a shit on me? I like, I don't know.

I like to, as far as fancy as no one goes into that shit. That's what I was just going to say. I like that he knows the recipe. Yeah. Yes. What if we went out for my moves? Yeah. I lay down.

You just let it rip. Pulled pork asparagus in an egg clean. I can't have a shit in a half hour. Mark my words. I have 100 for 100 out of this we bang bang it we go chick-fil-a And then I throw a blizzard in there and I guarantee I'll lay down in a bathtub Cuz I promise you will be splashing up the side Do you come here? I feel like you're a free spirited gal. Do you come here with just the idea like Get home how I get home figured out are you?

I'm prepared. I have someone who's a friend of mine who's a foot fetishist and He'll give me a ride to and from that's so great foot massage He'll get really I mean how great is that that courage? That's your currency. Yeah Yeah, I drive you to him from a gig. I mean, how great is that that current? That's your currency. Yeah. You wanna try to be too old for him to get you? I'll suck your dick. Yeah, and he has, he has, oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Just let me look at your feet.

Yeah. Yeah. Just like that goes, you wanna beat off on my tits? Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be, don't be an animal. Oh my god, she goes, do you want me, I mean, I can suck your dick while you're jogging. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Hey, Taffy. Hey, it's working on one. Hey, soft stack. I want to fucking step on your back. Hey, soggy.

We're going on. Sometimes they're just too old. They're past a point where it's all mental with 78. Yeah, I mean, well, here's like, there's a guy that's actually really famous in New York. And his fetish is teeth. They call him the tooth guy or the tooth man. Ferry, you would think. No, but he likes it. Ferry's where he draws the line. He's a guy. I know Ferry, I'm a tooth guy. I'm a tooth guy.

He likes women's teeth. He just wants to touch your teeth and have his own teeth touched. And then I guess some of the more extreme girls apparently, they'll pull this teeth for us So you met a serial killer. Yeah, that's pretty exciting. Also, can I can I change his name to the dentist? Yeah, that's actually The guy the two guy sucks. You guys need a guy in marketing to rebrand everything Justin Silver joined Beastmaster, how did I not? King of the universe!

You know why it's so skittish by the way I was like did I say Justin already? No, hell no he's been waiting chomping at the bit. Chomping at the bit. Like a patient falcon, so I'm a little fat. Falcaw! I have a lot of sexy in my eye line right now between you three, including Swazie about three. And the Swaz?

I'm showing top knee. And the Swazie. Dude we are both fupaying out in our fucking gym teacher shorts today. You three, and the sues. I'm showing top knee and the sues. Dude, we are both fupaying out in our fucking gym teacher shorts today, me and Dave. I look more like a count counselor. I mean, I've got thigh hair just fucking showing. I look like a... Take a look at it, Jacob.

Enjoy me. I drink me in. Coming in today. Another elevator annoyance. It stops on one floor Mm-hmm and opens up the guy gets off and the him and her were talking And I believe Christina am I exaggerating to say at least twice maybe three? Oh, he didn't hold that door open two or three times it started to close when they were talking and he did the hand at the hold it

Did you guys say anything at all? No, okay? I was wondering what always is the first word when you say something because you could do either this. You could do the excuse me. I'm sorry, we have to go to work. Or you go, hey, it's either a hair excuse me. Hey, that would have been more of a disbelief in like what the hell are you, what are you doing?

We have to go to work. I, that would be great if you stopped the door and you go, do you have a phone number? Yeah. So we don't need to do this. That's when you need a pushy Jew Let me tell you let me tell you when that Justin's great for situations like that And when you need condiments at a restaurant, but are too high to ask anybody. It's a personality trade

And you have a black Lou has it. It's very amazing. A black Lou has it too. Yeah, I'm not so much about complaining But probably if you need if if talk to people it's a pushy. Yeah, you're right, but it's not now's black lose not The will to go I'm more of like a yeah, I don't want to complain about the food Fuck it. We'll just get some weight or whatever. I think black glue is like I'll go stuff. Hell I'm yeah, and I have to say nice, but I always don't say you don't think you think you say things nice You don't you know horrific voice tone It's a horrific what drives vecky own fucking crazy Cuz I know you'll get it. What was it? What's this the sandwich place in Providence? Oh my god?

Superlative yeah, same which is unbelievable. It's clearly a mom and pop shop It's really ran like hey guys come on in. Why don't you have the monster chowder and you're like cool kind of that bread Justin goes up because do you guys do wraps? And the guy's like, I don't know, man, there's like 60 sandwiches on the wall. And Justin's like, so you can do a wrap. And it's like, I don't like being here. I don't find it to be a rough argument.

But you, that's what it is. It's not that do you guys do wraps? That part I feel like I'm bored with. When the guy goes, I don't know, there's like 60 sandwiches on the wall. And then Justin goes, So you can do raps I go I go to the possible to make any of you saying it's possible make it I go I'm gonna leave I don't mind asking for a thing and see if they have it that's not my problem

I'm just I'm stupid. We were a Montreal one time. Oh, this is great and Justin goes into a place I've gotten better since some kind of homemade something You know pastry to dine or shortses is where this was and Justin goes my people once this She's like that and she's like And the whole thing about it. You're like well, Justin if you get a slice now They're definitely rubbing it up their ass crack. I never think I think I'm charming enough I think people like me I like people I think what do they say about life in times of Tim we do not give you enough feedback my friend life in times of Tim he goes it's Nick Crolls his friend and the Tim character goes

he goes well I always thought you got you were the handsome one someone some of some and I was the smart one you think you're the smart one because we do not give you enough feedback. When I met Justin though, it was very indicative of this about getting to know him and like him as he's gotten like good at comedy through the years. You know, like from growing in comedy, you see it, but his first jokes were like, most people's first jokes are like, I'm so fat. I'm fat. You know what happens when a fat guy comes in just think you know self-debrate

Justin had 18 jokes of like you know being good looking a lot of people think is That's not entirely What's up with making girls come He goes oh man he goes you know what he goes. I actually don't even work out. It's just carrying around this heavy Dink all day God what's, you know, it's crazy, as I can satisfy your wife more than you can. Thank you. And hey.

Ha ha ha. Is this your wife? Tell her to stop looking at my stick. Hey, Justin, I work for you. Zingeru, Justin, I'm a representative from UTA, and you're Cuckold comedy. Justin's, Justin's, you know how many brand real man in? The Justin Silver's boast brand of comedy

is fucking so fun to do. Oh, boast comedy? Classic Justin Silver lines. Look at these girls in the front row. Yes, I'll fuck all of you. All right. Kick it! Man, man, man.

Yes. All I'm saying is, you know those motherfuckers you gotta take your shoes off in their house when you walk in? That's like mine, because of all the pussy juice on the floor You know what sex but having a big dick is I'm still trying to let the bottom my dick find out what pussy feels like I mean kick it Hope you enjoyed this week's best of the bonfire you can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio. Serious Ex-M95 or on demand on the Serious Ex-MF. Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.