The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Mature Masseuse (feat. Ali Siddiq)

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

The great Ali Siddiq has nine kids, an uncle who's a pimp, and may not enjoy a video of a man having sex with a gas pump. Big Jay is ill, so he texts questions for Ali from his sickbed. Andy Fiori guest hosts as Bobby tells a tale of a massage he once got from a 70-year-old. FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly That's me Lou that's mean what he likes that that's mean Lou That's mean Jay loves this song. Yeah, but that's mean. We are missing him. We are missing him. It's not a message I'm not saying no, but it sounds like a message Jay. If you're listening, we know you are Jay is not in today and we're missing you. Big Jay is not in today. He had a case of the poops. He had a case of the poops, but we got a great show for you. I'm Robert Kelly. We got Andy in.

Merckface Andy's in. Sitting in for Big Jay. Nice to be here. Same size. Same size guy. Same size. Little more manly. Little different styles. A lot, a lot, I would say a lot. Yeah. I would say a lot of different styles.

My pants go all the way down to my shoes. You have pants on. Yeah. You have a shirt. A nice shirt, not a hoodie. And my hair is the same color. Your beard is trimmed. Yeah, I cleaned up last week.

And no highlights. No, just gray. You beard is trimmed. Yeah, I cleaned up last week. And no highlights. No, just gray. You're Corporate Jay. Yeah, just gray. You're if Jay became serious corporate. If you got a higher job here. We got a great show for you, dude. We got a special guest in today, too.

I'm sorry to say, Big Jay's not in. Oli Sedik is here. And I know you're probably excited. What's up, buddy, how you doing? Good, man. Good to you're probably excited. What's up buddy, how you doing? Good man. Good to see you man. What's up dude? So it was good.

Jay woke up, it was all night pooping his pants. Terrible. Yeah it was terrible. Are you making things up or is that, did that happen? Yeah Christine, Christine he was in bed with Christine and I guess he went to toot out a toot and filled his pants up. Well we've all been there.

Yes we have, but not next to, I actually pooped on Dawn once. Ew. Well, not on her, I had Tidy Whiteys on. You gotta keep the marriage spicy. And I went, I was trying to toot on her, and I went, and I hit her in the stomach. That's crazy.

Jesus. Yeah, it was bad. I went, I immediately turned into a baby. I was like, I pooped on my pants. I was like, I poop with my pants. She was like, what? I go, I poop with my pants. As if she couldn't have any more disrespect for you. And then, oh my God, that's Jay.

You're fucking up the show. But yeah, he's sick at home today. He tried to make it in, but he couldn't do it. He wound up getting his stuff together and then pooping again. He's got a case of the poops. I know how that go though. We all do.

Yeah. Yeah, get comfy on that mic, man. There you go. I got you. I'll take care of it, Jacob. There you go. I had some weird. Jacob's using hand gestures.

Great job, Jacob. He did this. Like. Instead of just fixing it. Yeah, why don't you do it. No, because then Lou gives me, I can't win with him. If I adjust the mic before he gives me his blessing, I'll get trashed.

So I just do it as a courtesy. Yeah, but you have a knife on you now, so do what you want. Do you really? Yes, he does. On your person. LA changed you. Well, you pooped your pants before?

Oh yeah. You did? Yeah. Like as an adult? As a, let me say, two months ago. Oh yeah, I did it very recently myself. Two months. Was it just you farted and all of a sudden messed yourself?

Cause that's what happened to me. Did you know you were gonna do it? No. You just, you felt it, you thought it was a toot, right? No, it was in the middle of the night. Ooh. This is after, I don't know what me and my road man was thinking, we was sitting was a two, right? No, it was in the middle of the night. Ooh. This is after, I don't know what me and my road man was thinking.

We was sitting in a bar and we just said, hey man, what's up with all them bourbons? And the guy was like, oh they're different bourbons from different places. I was like, we should taste all of them. We should just taste as many as we can stomach. And you did. And we did, and it was awful.

Ooh. So you were sleeping. Yeah, I was sleeping. The whiskey shits. It was one of them, and I got up in the middle of the night like, hey, hey, you have seconds. Yeah. Yeah.

You have seconds. You better be up for this, because this is gonna happen with or without you. And it's not even, you're not even going out the bed the proper way, it's a roll out the back end. And in the night, you don't even really know this room. This is a hotel room, you don't know this room. Oh yeah, you're fumbling.

You jump on the seat. The shower is the best place for this to happen. Then you gotta push it down with your toes. No, not the whiskey. That's a man who hasn't had whiskey in 30 years. Not the whiskey shit. That shit's loose, dude. That shit's going right down the drain.

You can't shit in the shower, dude. Man, I'm trying to tell you, this is the best place to be when you have a bourbon. It's coming out both ends. It's coming out both ends. And you dry heaving. Because you vomited. Oh, so you were fucked up. Oh yeah, it was awful.

We sampled at least maybe 36 bourbons. What? Yeah, that's not good. That's not good. That's not a good. I don't know. What were you celebrating? Nothing.

Did you win a fucking Tony Award? Over how long? Over how long? Yeah, like how long? How many hours did you spread it out? Oh no, this was like within two hours. Jesus Christ. And we was doing, and he in the- 18 an hour.

The bartender was really like gracious. Criminal. He was like, hey, why don't y'all just do half shots and not full shots? Yeah. So we did 30 some odd half shots. And it was a true shame. That's 18 full shots, give or take.

That's insane and I can drink. Random bourbon. Yeah, show your body's not used to. From different places. That's the thing. You had the Japanese one? This is from El Salvador. Yeah.

This is from a... Hey, this was aged in a barrel for a hundred years. We found this in the Ukraine. You can taste the barrel. Under a tank. This was made by inmates in an asylum. This is a Palestinian and this is an Israeli Berman. We mixed them.

It was... Jesus, man. You're like a Bert Kreischer fan. It was crazy. Oh this is from France. Why they making Burman? Man. I haven't pooped my pants.

I've come close to pooping my pants. A lot. There's nothing like making it. There's nothing like having to poop your pants and then you make it and then that first, it sounds like a drunk Asian girl puking on the streets. Just bleh. Oh, it's relief.

Your toes go up, your knees come up to your chest. It's just like pure relief. It's almost like an orgasm when you make it. Making it is fucking good, dude. Oh, when you make it, it's fucking good, dude Oh when you make it, it's definitely making it is good. I think your asshole knows when you're close to your throne Oh, it does. It's got some sort of radar. It's like a dog when it knows it's home It starts looking out the window. Yeah that your asshole is connected. Absolutely Some sort of tracking issue. Yeah

I used to I used to try to think that that was it. It's actually you. Mental? You get there and you start, all the concentration you had before to hold it, you're there now so you can relieve, you can kind of let your guard down. And you can't.

I had one of those last week. It's right there waiting for you to give up a little bit and ha ha! Yeah. I had one of those last week. It's right there waiting for you to give up a little bit and ha ha! Yeah. I had one of those last week, going home on the subway, stomach cramps, ran to my fucking apartment. And I get off the subway, I still got like nine minutes to go on foot.

Oh, you have to walk different? You have to walk all fast. On your tippy toes? I like to mosey, and I have to fucking, yeah. On the balls of my feet, and I got so fucking close I get in my building I started undoing my belt That's how fucking bad it was and I got there and it was just and we it was an out You know, but when you have a stomach problem and you have you there's nothing better when it's over

How thin you feel? Yes, you feel like I just like you feel like you just did a nice, like three day workout, fast. It's great. I was saying, think about what a miracle the body is. Like, your asshole woke you up to say, I'm giving you a few seconds. It woke you up out of a sound sleep, a drunken sleep. I think it was the stomach. The stomach was like, hey.

They're talking. I'm about to release. They're in communication. I'm about to release, and'm about to release and there's nothing your anal hole can do to stop it. I love how your stomach is still cool. Your stomach's like, yo, check it out. I'm about to shit your own.

Hey, Playboy, wake up. My stomach is a little white kid. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, you're gonna shit your pants, dude, go, dude, go. Your stomach's a pimp. My stomach's like, hey, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, you're gonna shit your pants, dude, go, dude, go. Your stomach's a pimp. My stomach's like, hey man, listen, this is gonna look bad on your resume. It's giving you tips for life.

You gotta call a housekeeper, hey, can I get sheets? For what? I fell asleep, you know they put the chocolates on your bed? I fell asleep with the chocolates underneath me and it looked like I shit my pants. The next day it just looked like I just shit in the bed and I had to give it to the man.

I'm like, the chocolates. She's like, okay, chocolates, okay, I get it. I was like. She didn't believe a word of that. It's the chocolates. That was at my fattest too, like I'm not eating the chocolates. Si, si senor, coco. Christine, you were in the bed with him, right?

Oh no. Yeah, you were in the bed with him. Collateral damage? I hear that he went up, went to the bathroom, realized he was sick, went back in the bed. Okay, this is the crazy thing. You say you hear, like it didn't come from them. Yeah. Like it was random people in the streets talking. Like it's hearsay. I heard some thing. You say you hear, like, it didn't come from them. Yeah.

Like it was random people in the streets talking. Like it's hearsay. I heard some gossip. You heard what happened? Jake. Buzz on the street is. I heard on Reddit. He was, he woke up, we were in February,

started Justified, and we were watching the show, and he was like, I have to go to the bathroom. And he was in there for a while, to the point where like, by the time he came out, I was falling asleep, and I can sleep through anything. So I didn't really hear him getting up and down throughout the night, but when I woke up, he was like in the other room.

And like on his, and he just, he felt like shit. He'd been up all night. Cause he told me that he was in the bed and he let out a toot and filled his cheeks. Yeah, I don't know, I don't know how much he filled his cheeks, but I know he got up to fart, and he shouldn't have trusted the fart. Yeah.

Yeah, you can't trust the fart. Not when you have diarrhea, it's crazy. No, no, no, no. No, your asshole will betray you. Yeah. Your asshole, because it feels, I love when you have the little toot, and then you're real.

Do you have a fart, and you're like, you gotta go, oop. I shit my pants, and you didn't shit your pants? Yes. That's wild. That's, I've had, I go, miracle. Yeah. I go, how did that not?

I was ready to fucking throw these out. I actually had my kid at a Bon Jovi concert shit on my neck and I felt it. I had all sorts of questions about that one. I felt it before I smelled it. It felt like a snake, like a ball python just wrapped around my neck. First of all, you had had him on your shoulders I might you left that part of the story I was on my shoulders yes on my farting on your head yeah I was

eating him out and no you just went my kid we were at Bon Jovi and he farted on my neck without setting any context he was what are you a fucking you were in a writing room I figured out yourself well I did all right well do it in your brain you fucking asshole fucking nerd he was on my neck during shot through the heart and we were having such a good time and all of a sudden I just felt shit on my neck and I just went like this I went did you poop your pants he went yeah shot through the heart I was, I just sat there for like two more songs because I didn't know what to do. Luckily, I was with Gabby Bryan, who's the Bon Jovi...

Yeah, her dad is the fucking keyboardist. Keyboard player of the... So I ran to her and I'm like, Mac shit his pants. And she's like, come with me. And she took me right into his dressing room. And I had baby wipes and an extra pair of underwear cuz of my wife And I almost told her to go fuck off. She's like bring underwear bring baby weights

I go I'm not going to a fucking rock concert. How old is he kid underwear? He was five Oh, all right, and I was like I'm not doing this. I'm not going He's 19 He's wearing a helmet And I was like I'm not I'm not doing that and she's like trust just bring it and I stuck kid underwear He's 19, he's wearing a helmet. And I was like, I'm not doing that. And she's like, trust me, just bring it. And I stuck kid underwear in my back pocket and like four baby wipes in my back.

And I felt like an asshole the whole time, but god damn it, listen to women. Because I went into his dressing room, cleaned him like a pit crew. I just wiped, wiped, wiped, baby wipe, baby wipe, baby wipe, took his underwear, wrapped everything up into a ball, put it in David Bryan's barrel. Which is hilarious, because the people who are gonna clean it

are gonna find little kid underwear with shit in it. Boy, rock stars, man. Yeah, they're still partying. You got kids? Yes. How many kids you got? A lot. What?

Really? A lot. What's a lot? many kids you got? A lot. What? Really? A lot. What's a lot? What's a lot? A lot. I think four is a lot. Oh. Damn, I sneezed at four.

Didn't even blink at four. Four. Seven? Seven. Good number. What the fuck, man? More? Keep going.

What? Yeah, I'm from 30 to three. I'm sorry, what are you, 30? To three. The age gaps. Oh, the age gaps, I thought you had 30 and then three. No, it's like, no, there's no age gap, fill it in. You have one kid in every aspect of life.

Yeah, I'm 50, I've lived a life. I'm 53, I have one. One, wow, I've lived a life. I'm 53, I have one. One, wow. I had one last week. God damn, what's the number? What? One, baby, wow. Are you with, are you with? Yes.

You know them all? Yes. Have you met them all? They all live in my house. I'm pretty sure I have a couple I don't know. No, I see these. Are we adding those? You know them all I'm pretty sure I have a couple I don't know Are we adding those I see these children all the time you have to buy them gifts and shit Yeah, these people have my phone number Direct line to me without their mother so you don't you know you don't do abortions No, I hope not no need to yeah without their mother. So you don't do abortions? No.

I hope not. There's no need to. Yeah, well. Because yeah, we had to thin out the herd. Yeah, and they, no. And there's still nine of them. Hey, just put them with the others. Put them with, there's a room?

Yeah, there's a room. Man, more kids, my mom comes from 10. 10, yeah. So you know, it's a- My mom comes from eight. Yeah. Back it's a... My mom comes from eight. Back in the day they used to just, because you couldn't have an abortion. I think people think back in the day,

no it's a lot of people having a lot of kids now. Most of my friends have a lot of children. How many, what's the number? And we have families. It's not like it's random children. These kids live with me. These kids been with me my whole life. So yeah, I am a actual father

with the mother of these children. So you have one mother for all these 30, how many, what's the number? What's the number? It's nine. Nine kids, one woman, and you're still together. Yes. And you have the kids,

but the 30 year old doesn't live with you. Why you say that? Well, why? Yeah, to be honest, I can't peg anything down here. I gave you that notion that the 30-year-old is not, is still under my wing. Because he's 30. And he has a helmet.

He has a helmet? Is he shitting his pants at conscience? He might as well have a helmet. He's the only broke person I know with a CDL license. The only one. He's the only broke person I know with a CDL license. The only one. He's the only one. And I see truck begging, people begging for truck drivers. He just, nope, nope, not doing it. Damn license.

He sucks. You don't get. 30's the oldest. You have a favorite out of the nine? No, I don't have favorites. You like them all the same. Too hard to pick. That's all mine, man.

It's like liking one of your fingers more than the other. Need all of them. You like them all the same. Too hard to pick. That's all mine, man. It's like liking one of your fingers more than the other. You need all of them. I like this finger the best. Man, I'm telling you, get that thumb off the hand. You'll never use that finger again. Look at this thing. There's something about it, man. You think that you don't need all these fingers,

but I think this is the only one that you can actually do without. I've never thought I didn't need all my fingers I'd like them all yeah man I I don't well if you're Dan Cucco you don't need these two I mean these two right here Sufi baby you need all these fingers man your thumb is very necessary I know people like I can deal without my thumb what crazy as hell no it's like I'm not having almost all the other ones before my thumb I saw I saw a woman. I saw a woman no legs and no hands fixing a bike I Mean do you really need a mom?

She was fixing bikes that was her job with her fucking mouth with their fucking head or chin her fucking She used her nub then she used the other nub I mean it was pretty you could figure it out I want to tell you that Jay even though he's not here. He's uh he has questions for you He okay, he has questions. He sent because he loves you so much dude. He was so sad He couldn't be tried literally was up dressed ready to go and then pooped his pants And had a call to show Uh, and luckily andy stepped in but he did send in questions. These are questions from from big j. Oakeson

Ali yes, it's big j. Hey Jay. Sorry I'm not there. Sorry you're not here either. I have a question for you. Cool. Is Jesus black or white? Bobby says he's white. Well that's just. You said that before. He's clearly black. He's black. Due to geographical location. That one checks out. That's, I mean. black do the geographical location that one checks out That's that I mean just do the geographical location alone the Middle East but the one I grew up with has abs He's in perfect shape. Yeah, beautiful hair. Yeah brown sandy hair Looks like a von erich I watched it on the plane I did. You look like... Yeah, it looks like Cary Fon-Erik.

I watched it on the plane. It was great, right? It's a great plane movie. He looks like the hot one. Yeah, it was fucking heartbreaking. Oh, it was terrible. Man, man, when you watched the Von Erics, you didn't realize it was that tragic. I know.

Fuckin' the three of them could be suicide? Jesus Christ. More tragic than you think because they didn't even... It's 100%. The first one that died... I know. They didn't really even the first one that died. I know. They didn't really even, like everybody died in that family. They left some out.

They didn't have enough time. They left some out. And the guy was like, it'd be too sad. How much fucking sadder could it be? Barely grazed it. They go, the first one, you go, yeah, yeah, you just died. He's just dead. Five.

And then you see him again in heaven at the end. It goes, is little here? Is little Jack Jr. here? And he runs up. You go, what kind of heaven is this? Fuckin' the saddest movie I've ever watched. Yeah, heartbreaking. I was crying on the plane.

I know, I watched it right before I went to bed last night. I was crying in bed. How can you commit suicide after you did wield yourself back from losing your foot? Right? And winning, didn't you? You've got some intestinal fortitude right well you don't give up now he didn't lose his hand then you could kill yourself right

spoiler alert all the way through here by the way everybody everybody new everybody's dead everybody's dead the iron claw does not live off the dying claw more like it the only one that lives is the fucking shitty dad. What a shitty finishing move, by the way, the iron claw. That was just the thing when I had fucking temple headaches when you were a kid, my dad used to grab me like that. The iron claw.

And push against my temples. Yeah. Yeah, it was fucking crazy. I didn't, did they ever show the technique of how you even get the iron claw? No. I watched the movie and I'm like, where's the, let me show you how to apply it.

Yeah, they did. Well, the father did at the beginning because he wasn't applying enough pressure. Fritz. Yeah, Fritz was like, you gotta apply more pressure. And then he put it on his head. I'm like, how much pressure can you apply to a skull? And then he grabbed his wrist.

Apparently you grab your wrist and that's where the extra oomph comes in yeah Yeah, I mean the ice to love the fabulous Thunderbirds match right here And then the poor the poor guy the one that sang beautiful and he had a he had a step in the little thin one Had this retarded then step in and fucking be a von erik They're all dead One after the other. It was insane.

Should we watch this movie or no? I was thinking of watching it. Watch it, it's great. Yeah, watch it. Now you know what happens. You gave the ending away. Yeah, you wanna have a great night. I didn't give it away.

It was fantastic. No, he's not gonna remember. It's so tragic. Yeah, it was tragic. It was tragic. I tell you what though. What was that? Oh, we have another question for Jay, sorry.

He's bedridden, so that's his bed. Oh, sorry. That's a bedroom What an asshole we have a hey guys sorry for interrupting the show Butler's bill I think I think you need all fingers too. I appreciate all my fingers, especially wiping my butt all night Thick white bitch or skinny black queen? I'll take it. Oh, you're asking Ali. Sorry. Settle down, Andy. I thought Jay wanted to know mine. Is this a money venture? No, because my uncle Mac told me when I was selling dope, he was like, man, you really

don't want to make no money. I said, what you mean? he was like, man, you really don't wanna make no money. I said, what you mean? He's talking like, man, you really wanna make some money? Get your house and put your five fat white bitches in there and it's on, money falling off the ceiling. Like. Uncle Mac for the win. I was like, what?

And then as I got older, I'm like, yeah, that would have been for the win. That would have been for the win. I'd have been there. Those old heads know what they're talking about. That's why I live in a three bedded ranch. I got a flat ass Polak bitch in my house. My guy at Fidelity told me a lot different.

I got a stupid Roth IRA. I don't have a white bitch's house. Andy's got Amazon and Facebook. Get some thick white bitches in the house. God damn it, is everybody in your family speak cool? Yes. Let me tell you something, you motherfucker made some money. I know, even your organs speak cool.

That's my Uncle Mac, he really didn't want to make no money. What was your Uncle Mac, what did he do? He was a pill. Wait a man. He really didn't wanna make no money. What was your Uncle Mac, what did he do? He was a pimp. No, no, no. No, no, no. Wait a minute. He was a pimp. No, no, no.

See on LinkedIn, Bobby. Well, just him with a hat and a cane and a big mug. It was crazy. No hat, no cane, just him. Man, they called him Black Mac. Low profile. Low profile. Where was he at Pimp?

Mississippi. Oh, Mississippi. Good Pimpin'. Now Pimpin' is kinda gone, right? Yeah, really it is. It's cause the internet took Pimpin' out of the game. We fucked all the cool things up. Mafia gone, Pimpin' gone.

What happened in this great country? My uncle, y'all say Pimpin' is gone. My uncle, every blue moon, he be like, man, you know what's up? Pimpin' ain't dead, you know what's up. Pippen ain't dead, you know that now. Pippen ain't dead, y'all just scared because the hoes ready. He's just on mainstream anymore. What are you going with these fans? Does he have an Instagram? He sounds like an influencer to me. Sounds like he should

have a page. Man, he would be ridiculous if he had a page. Oh, God damn. He would be ridiculous. You should get him a page, dude. Because he is nuts. You should just promote your shows. Yeah, put one of the nine kids on it. Man, he would be the worst promotion.

Is one of your nine kids into the business, or are they all, no, are you gonna allow them into the business? Hell no. Why? Hell no. Why? gonna allow them into the business? Hell no. Why? Hell no. Why? They want them to do whatever they wanna do.

They wanna do the business fine, but I'm not promoting this shit at all. No, you don't wanna do it. Hey, get into this business where everybody fuckin' lies and do bullshit all the time. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I want you to be a part of.

Nope. It's funny that you say that because now all, it seems like, you know, Cat Williams and Jaguar, all these people are coming out revealing all the bullshit behind the scenes that you think and you probably, I don't know if it's true or not, but they're, I mean, they're talking some crazy shit, backroom stuff of what's really going on in the business.

And even Mike Epps was on Charlemagne the God Show there, and he was talking some shit about how the business works. Well, this is what I say all the time. Because I've never been in the business that deep to actually experience that. I've never been in the business that deep to actually experience that. I've never been that deep either. And I wouldn't continue to be in a business that would put me in that position.

I wouldn't keep doing it. It would be not a time that I would just, oh, let me keep running to the same thing that's giving me all this. Oh, they invited me to this party. Why they keep it, they never invited me. Right. It would never be a time that some man

would be in a room and say, hey, let me give you head in front of a bunch of people. Because my demeanor doesn't command that. So I'm like, yo, y'all, this is a bunch of fabricated bullshit most of the time, that's what I think. And then when I listen to things, like the cat interview with the Armbrough Villain, how would you always dare?

Like why would they always invite you? And like with Jaguar, I don't know what Jaguar's situation is, but I'm like, I'm not in these spaces. And I've been around some of these people, I'm just not the person that, oh, hey look, I know everybody's having fun at this party, but there's another party back here where boys are dancing in their underwear.

Like, what the fuck are you telling me for? But, I'm like, what the fuck are you telling me for? I'm like, dude, you want me to tell on you? Do you fit? I'm like, this shit ain't going this far with me. The day it happened, you would know. Remember how you know about Jay's shit? You would know about this. Like, yo, Ali just called me.

I would Instagram live right there. There's a room full of boys in underwear. You would like this, OK, yeah, show me the room. Yeah, sure do. Sure do want to go. So as soon as I get on Instagram, look, I've cracked the code. You see, they boys. It's everywhere.

I told you, these motherfuckers. Wow. Like, I'm telling. I am telling. Man, I am telling. I am telling it, man. I am like fucking Trump at a goddamn party meeting. Look, the taxes is bullshit, but I'm using it. Like, I'm telling. Man, I wish, man, I wish I would be invited to some bullshit.

It's funny because it is the music industry. It's not the comedy industry. What I was gonna say is that the same way like how people end up on Epstein's Jet or the island? Sometimes, there's a bunch of people who are like, I didn't know where I was going, but I was going because so-and-so was going. But once I get there, if I know that, man,

it's no escape, I don't like this shit. Like, damn it, like, what? Once you get there, and a bunch of little girls come out with flowers and cookies, goo-goo-ga-ga, I'd be like, I gotta go. I'm not gonna stay for a week. I've always known when there was some nonsense happening and I'm just not involved. But how do you constantly be in the room?

It would be one time, it would be one time, I'm gonna mess the whole party up. It's just not, don't invite Ali. Don't invite Ali. Ali, what if you were invited to a game night? Okay, I'll show up at game night. Okay. Monopoly in hand. Uno cards, dominoes.

Classic. Cards, you know, not a condom in the butt. Just cards, you know, that type of shit. Monopoly. What's up guys? I got my Chinese checkers. You guys in? What's happening? I found him in the butt. He just, just, just, just, just, just, cards, Uno, you know, that type shit.

Monopoly. What's up guys? I got my Chinese checkers. You guys in? What's happening? Game night, what's happening? Like, I'm, I'm, I'm there for it, but what, what is the game?

If it's high gold seek in the dark, it, it, it, it, it, like, yo, oh, wait a minute. So, okay, turn the lights on first. Let me see who's all here. So it's all men. What, and you go, how old are you? And she has to use her fingers?

One, two, three. Oh, see now, this is, because I have daughters, this is when shit will go bad. Because I am always the, I'm the person that you can't show up with, somebody that doesn't look the part. I'm like, hey Bobby, what's happening? I'm an ass, because I don't give a damn if it's a grown man.

I'm like, I need to know how old this girl is. Because I have daughters and I'm not with that young old young girl shit. Like, no, because I've had young girls. My 13 year old, look, man, listen. This shit just go bad with me. And I grew up in a house with women, so I'm not the dude who, I mean, you can't be,

and I always hated them older dudes who used to come get the girls my age. Okay, your boyfriend is not supposed to drive a car in middle school. Right. I'm supposed to have a bike and shit like that. He's not supposed to pull up in a fucking Trans Am. He's supposed to have a swin with a banana suit.

Yeah. Fuckin' lookin' like goddamn. What the man, Rockford Files. But he's not supposed to be. He's 22. Everybody else here is 17. But it's a weird thing for guys though, it's okay for us to date older. When I was 17, my girlfriend was 19, 20.

You know what I mean? It's a weird different. You know she's slow, Bobby. Yeah, she was a little stupid. Because a 19 year old girl is not, she's not going down. Why would she look down? Bobby was sexy at that point. I was hot, you's not going down. Why would she look down? To 17.

Bobby was sexy at that point. I was hot, you're right Andy. At 17. Listen, and she was a little dumpy. I mean, she was a little dumpy and I was smoking hot. There you go. I looked like a young Indian chief. I really was hot.

That's a go. Yeah. Man, when I was messing with a lady that was 24, I was a drug dealer though. I can see the drama, I'm around. But if I was just a regular dude that was like 18, no go. Adrian would have looked at me like, huh, sorry sir. Yeah.

Sorry. What's the difference between you and your wife? Oh man, who says she was my wife? Oh, she's not your wife. Yeah, stop assuming, sir. Yeah, how is your how was the difference between you and your wife? Oh Who says she was my wife? Oh, she's not you. Yeah, stop assuming. She's just I'm sorry. She's just cool. Sorry She's there It's not like I'm not used to that Bring up the M word for it I'm not gonna say that. My co-host has the same thing. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, support our show. Don't be some jerk off just taking the free stuff. Let them know you want us to be here forever. Or we won't. Or we won't. Subscribe. Nine years difference. Nine years difference. So when you met her, how old was she? 21. 21? Mm-hmm. All right, well that's close. Yeah, 21. Yeah. Now if I was 18 and she was nine. At one point she was. Not when I knew her.

My parents 22 years apart. My dad was 49 when he married my mom. Jacob's great-grandfather was 60 years apart. Jesus Christ. That's a fact. That's a bonfire fact right there. It was 60 years apart. Jesus Christ. That's a fact. That's a bonfire fact right there. It was the old country. It was the old country.

It was the old country. Like, what country was this? No, literally, it was just a country of old people. It was one of the Slovenias. Yeah. It doesn't exist anymore. That child was given to that man. She was part of a dowry.

It was a barter. Yeah. They needed hay. They needed hay. They needed hay. They needed hay. They needed hay. They needed hay. They needed hay. She was part of a dowry.

It was a barter. Yeah, they needed hay. Look, here we are, youngest. It was all arranged. I know it had to be arranged. Yeah, of course it was arranged. She couldn't speak for herself yet. Yeah, she didn't know math. She didn't know ages.

She couldn't bargain at that age. That's fucked up. I'm attracted to older women. I've always been attracted to at least women my age or older women. I never really got into little girls younger than me. What's the oldest you've been with? 72.

What's the biggest gap? 72. But when old were you? I think I was 20. get the fuck out of here There's a five of the zero. I didn't sleep with it. She just gave me a hand job and rubbed my bum with a glove There was it there was a time any questions. I hang on one sec. There was a time when I was single This is her talking. There was a time. There was a time when he was single I used to like I

Didn't like hookers. I liked massages like sexual massages Because I felt like you got more for your money Yeah, and then I realized that if you got a mature masseuse, they went they went the extra mile. When you got a hot young girl to give you a massage. You go into a spa. It was not a spa. Is your grandma around? Not a spa. It was like an individual thing. Like if you got if I got a hot girl to do it, they just wanted to get to it, get you the fuck out. Right. In and out. Some strong faced Lithuanian woman. Yeah, I Got this I Got this fight dogs. I got this woman fights dogs. I Got this woman

And when I when I showed up She sat me down and She started knitting she's nice. She got Stones Christine would love this she got all the different stones. No different like crystals and crystals, crystals and gems. And she got tea and she said, please pick a crystal. So I picked a crystal and she goes, that crystal is for crystals, a teenage girl and anxiety. That crystal is for anxiety and blah, blah, blah. And then she brought out a tea for that.

We had tea and she talked about the crystal. And then we went into the room and she gave me a two hour massage. She gave me a two hour massage and then she actually got a cream that she made herself and put it in the microwave and heated it up. And she gave me this amazing massage. Microwave technology is blowing her mind. And then she pulled out her big, at one point pulled out these big.

Yeah, she got a flopper. Floppers. And then she gave me a hand job. And then when I was done. Ha ha ha. She did the Charleston. She gave me a, but then she took me to the shower and she. Back in my day.

And then she had some rye. She was hiding from the government. Rye? Yeah, it's an alcohol, Christine. Rye? She made bread, Christine. She baked you bread? So she had a hot apple pie in a window. And when it was cool, then she washed me and then we went back out, got back in the robe,

and then she talked to me about like Like a little therapy session. I was like 120 for this 25 Deal it was so great tip. Those are 1933 dollars. No because it's not there's no pimp involved It's like you get a massage from the person who owns the company, that's their company. It goes to them, so it's like you don't have it.

There's no pimp. Yeah, I like to hear Uncle Max thoughts. Her pimp was dead. Mama's son. I went to, I went, so I was like, I was in search of that. I was like, let me find another one. So I found another one. They all keep dying on you, that's why. Well, this. I gotta find a new. Out of business. The second one I found was, let me find another one. So I found another one. They all keep dying on you. That's why. Well, I gotta find a new out of business.

The second one I found was, you know where Whiskey a Go-Go is? That's the Rock Club in LA. She was up the street. So I went up there, nice house, and I went in. I jerked off poison in 1983. I sucked off Led Zeppelin the whole band. I sucked off Led Zeppelin the whole band

Nice boys, I was there when Jim Morrison died So so I blew both the Kennedy boys so So I she opened the door and she had to be like 70 something. She had cotton candy. Right up your alley. Cotton candy, no not really. I like 40 cotton candy hair.

Her negligee didn't really fit. What do you mean, the color or like the texture? The texture. The texture. The texture. Really with the blue hair? It was blue and pink? It was the texture.

And I remember she opened the door, she had a little negative that really was hanging off her leg didn't fit anymore Yeah, and she looks at me. Her bones are dying. I looked at her and she's like Are you sure do you still want to do this? Because she realized that her photo didn't match what she was and I went hello. I went yeah I go okay, so I went in and we actually she had an elevator in her house We took an out little tiny elevator. Well. Yes, you can't climb stairs Use your head Bobby Just remember we got into my electric chair

Moves half a mile per hour my grandfather had one of those. So we went up to the room. Bobby just gets out and walks up. He goes, I'll just meet you up there. We get up to the room, and there was literally 30 cats. Doilies, hard candy. There was so many cats just staring at me like,

you piece of shit. Yeah, they're judging you. So then she was giving me this massage. And she couldn't really give me a good massage because she had arthritis. So she couldn't open her hands. Her bones are brittle. So she was kind of knuckle rubbing me.

It turns out she goes, honey, can you rub me first? You're getting fisted. You're getting clawed. So she gave me the massage and then she started she went she was like okay roll over and I was like excuse me there was a in the ad it said our massage plus prostate massage for 125 and she went, do you want that? I go, if it's in the 125, yeah, but if it's extra, no. And she was like, and I remember she went over and had to put a glove on her arthritic hand. Oh my, you piece of shit. And I remember she used her arthritic knuckle

to rub my butt. And she gave me a hand job and I just remember looking, this one cat was looking at me the whole time. You didn't cry at no point, did you cry? She did. No, I felt good because I felt like I was giving her money. Just one lonely tear just come down your eye. Like an Indian with garbage.

I just felt like I was helping her. You know what I mean? And we didn't do anything, but we just, you know, she gave me a little rub. It takes a lot to keep those cats fed. And then I left. Yeah, so she was the oldest woman. And I saw a show at the whiskey.

She gave me a backstage pass from the Who when they played there. The ladies from 1968. What's the oldest like free woman? What's a non indentured servant you have? I don't have a wife that brings hot chips home. Jay, I'll be in the other room having aesadillas. Let me know when you're done. Should I talk like Jay? Shut up, Christine. Oh, that was hilarious.

Free woman. Free of charge. Oh, yeah, I took it a way different way. Jay from his sick bed. Jay question. Jay from his sick bed has another question you can do, Ollie. Ahem. Sorry, I'm sorry about that.

Did Jason Ellis' backyard have the feeling of a prison shower? I have no idea what that means. I can color it up for you. He's a gay OnlyFans model now. He quit. He quit. He's done. Okay, then I have no idea what that question means. Me and him did his podcast. Yeah, I did his podcast.

I had no idea that he was gay, like at all, until Jay. Didn't come up? Not gay anymore. He dips in and out. I don't know, we didn't have a conversation about it. It wasn't on the agenda. Oh, me and Jay didn't either, we were panicking the whole time.

Did you do the smoke thing? You did that at the beginning? Yeah, in the beginning. With the smoke and then he sings? Yeah, then. So it's still kinda gay. In the, the other dude on the other side, like I was like, I had, man, I know he said on the thing,

like your head been molested or something, then I know, boom, I was like, okay, then he's like, I just didn't know the shit, I was taking it back. They said it like, you had a gay dude house smoking weed in the backyard, I was like, no I wasn't. And then he said the dude name,

I'm like, who the fuck is that? He's like, you did his podcast. I said, oh the dude with that box. And I never even, I saw the pink boxing gloves and never even put two and two together. Like I was like, I was on some, I was really doing press. I'm like just coming in doing what all they just told me

to go do and like, you know what I'm saying, when I think about it, he fucking brought his ass. I was like, fuck yeah. When I think about it, he was naked the whole time. It was weird, but I know other people with pink boxing gloves that shit is a problem if you say something like that to them He's a problem

Me and Jay, he brought it up a couple times and we turned the conversation because we didn't want to We talked about his OnlyFans a lot. We called it the gauntlet Because we because we were like, oh, he's got an OnlyFans. Let's check it out We always check out OnlyFans if people have them and then we was like, okay naked. Okay ding dong. Okay You know she-mail all right, and then then it was just a dude on a weight bench lifting weights and then Him on top and we were like, yeah, I want really we want you Me me I stop it at I have a OnlyFans.

Oh, okay, that's enough of me. Uh-huh. Yeah, we should have stopped. Is it comedy? Yeah. No. We should have stopped when the girl was doing a helicopter with her nice hog.

We should have stopped there, but we didn't. And now I'm never fucking, we were in the back and there was the weight bench and we were dying to get a photo with it, but we didn't because we're two'll never fuck. We were in the back and there was the weight bench and we were dying to get a photo with him, but we didn't because we're two pussies. We're pussies. Missed opportunity, dawg. Yeah, it's a missed opportunity.

So you've never done anything. Yes, to circle back to Jay's question. No. All right. I believe you. I believe him. Yeah, I don't even know what anything is, but if he was in gonna shower with me and no

You've never been in a shower like in a sporting thing Like Nick locker room locker room stuff sporting thing you've never did you stop you fucking? Entitled fucking ass what is entitled? room is You ever been in the shower at a sporting thing? I'm nervous. I'm asking. I'm asking. Don't be nervous. If you ever jerked off a guy. At a sporting thing. Bobby's nervous.

Get an elderly woman in here to work his bones. That'll relax him. Random sporting event. In high school? Yeah, that's in high school. You never been around? That's everybody in high school, but not as a grown man. You've never been around another guy naked as a grown man?

No. Me neither. Locker rooms? Not even at 24 hour fitness. No, I've seen a guy come from the shower to the thing. I'm like, yo, he's just putting on his jeans and no drawers. What type of shit is that? That's a weird move. Just jumping in his jeans. Going commando? I hate guys in the locker rooms that are confident dick dudes. Yeah, because I'm not.

I hate it. The comfort level some guys have in the gym locker, they make it their apartment. Yeah. There's parade around, I can't stand it. I can't do it. Did you see the old guy at the gas station, how comfortable he was?

Yeah, how great was that? What old guy at the gas station? Oh, you gotta show Ali. You got the video, Christine? Do you know what he means? Christine, Christine, I put it in the chat. Please bring it up. It is. It is a good one.

Can you get Christine to pull up the video? It's the old country. I mean, this rocked my fucking... This is one of those things where I'm like, I wish I never saw it. Oh, no, I needed that in my life. This is so fucking funny. I wish I never saw this one. His, I needed that in my life. This is so fucking funny. I wish I never saw this one.

His reactions are so great. I don't wanna talk about it too much because I just want Ollie's pure reaction. It's fucking nuts. It's, there's so many questions that surround it. Where do you see it? Like maybe he doesn't know where his gas is on the car. You know what makes something funny

when somebody is really ready for you to see it. He's like, no, I want him to see it. Cause it's. I want him to see it. You got it? Christine. It's in the text thread. I know, I have an email so I can pull him up on here.

God damn it, Christine. I know. I can't be mean to Christine. No, we can't. She's kind of break fun. It's a guy old guy so some guys at a gas station Some guys at a gas station just type in filming old man. There's an old guy in the distance and There is serious watch watch this look where the gas Look where the nozzle is the old guys at a gas station

He's jerk it off. What? I mean, first of all, look at the fucking hog on that guy. It's a big hog. What is old school doing with this? He's putting the gas thing up as he's fucking himself with the gas thing. This isn't regular? And then he's dead.

Damn, so not regular. But then he gets high grade. Definitely unleaded. This is high test. That's diesel. Goodness gracious old school. We gotta take a break. God damn it. On that note.

I have so many schmores. I'm glad I brought that into your life. I hate I saw that. I know. Alright we got Ali Siddique will be he's gonna be on tour. I got a story to tell tour the factory in Chesterfield, Missouri on May 17th the Taft Theatre in Cincinnati Ohio May 18th for tickets and all other tour dates visit Ali Siddique.com One of the funniest guys out there. Yeah, man. So unique

So I'm seeing you dude and any few areore is gonna be at the Rogue Island Comedy Festival May 23rd in Newport, Rhode Island for tickets and all of the tour dates. Visit AndyFiore.com. Big Jay, he's gonna be all over the place. He's gonna be at the Summit Comedy Club in Fort Wayne, hopefully if he's not shitting his pants. Indie Anime 17th and 18th. Irvine Improv June 7th and 8th. Those are all Fridays and Saturdayurdays tickets and all of the two of its bj comedy dot com and i'm gonna be at the uh... stanford this weekend

your comedy club one show friday one show saturday get your tickets and then of course i'm gonna be in port schilder florida back down on the west coast and then to monium and go see me every tuesday night seven o'clock at Pussycat. What? I could have read some of these. Yeah, go read it then, dude.

I hate reading. You can see Bobby every Tuesday night at 7 p.m. at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge at the Comedy Cellar. For tickets and all our tour dates, go to PunchUpLive.com slash Robert Kelly. The next question he would have answered though, can I read it? I mean.

Hang on one sec. Yes. Does Andy look like he hates people of color Let Ali answer cuz he does Do I Think I'm a sweet boy. You are sweet. God. I feel I didn't why would oh my god We all dropped the ball on that one I feel I didn't why would oh my god. We all dropped the ball on that one

No, we didn't drop the ball. I didn't know there was a ball Yeah, I didn't realize Ali was I didn't know did you watch the video before you? I knew we were showing him. I didn't know he would have possibly Christ welcome back everybody welcome back to the bonfire. I mean, we just realized what we did. Might as well give him a plug. Yeah, let's give him a plug. Domino effect on YouTube. I got three.

Domino effect three. Came out Mother's Day. It's already at 500,000 views. Holy, he's a man. It's on YouTube right now. One of the funniest guys used to be a friend of mine. We might not ever see him again. He didn't even shake my hand He did he did wipe his hands on his shirt. I mean as he left

No, he did now you're adding shit now you're doing your God no, I mean I don't like I felt like the question Well could as the producer of the show text me Question oh you you know that I don't know the questions I know the question lost in the woods routine who knew that it was a bad questions Who knew the first question know the question who knew that that was gonna be bad Who knew that raise your hand if you knew? I knew exactly what we were watching who knew that it was bad to show him?

I didn't. An old white guy sticking something up his ass, jerking off. Please raise your hand. Who knew? Please. Christine. Honest. Yeah, we all knew that one. Raise your fucking hand. I'm raising. Two. There's two. Two producers. I don't know how to stop this. Three.

One, two, three producers. I didn't realize that was a video. I should have said I couldn't find it. I'm sorry. He's a comic. He's fine. I know he two, three producers. I didn't realize that was a video. I should have said I couldn't find it. I'm sorry. He's a comic. He's fine. I know he is, but still. You don't stop the comedy train. Yeah. Well, that was a... I mean, that stopped the fucking train.

That video stopped the train because he looked at me like, what the fuck? I mean, he left immediately after, but no. That was literally... Well, he had to. That was the time. Woof. We're eating him. I mean, he ran out. We were having a great time. Great guys. And. I was like, I'm tired of that. Woof. We're eating in two. I mean, he ran out.

We were having a great time. Great guys. And then he was like, you ever been around naked guys? No. Why would I be? Hey, watch this. Finger on my ass. That's for love.

Right. Right. Geez. Well, I'm sorry. He's such a funny guy. Can we talk about the gas nozzle now? I mean, it was. Now that the problem's gone.

Wild. Wild. I mean, the funny thing is that's so fucked up, the guy, when you see something like that, it's interesting. It's very interesting, because it doesn't appear he was shooting gasoline up his ass, because when he takes it out there's no liquid. Well he's done this before, because he knows what he's doing. He knows what he... He knows.

Dude, I... A little gas always spills out, by the way.