The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Max's Pee (feat. Ari Shaffir & Bob Kelly)

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

Ari Shaffir stops by to see a video of Bobby Kelly's son peeing on his front door!

I'm Dan and I'm Jay and actually we're a radio show that exists on Sirius XM That's right for full episodes of the bonfire go to SiriusXM.com slash bonfire for a special offer for our stand-up tour dates Go to danceorder.com and big J comedy.com And now the bonfire with big J. Okreson and dance odor Fire with Big J. Ocerson and Dan Soder. I asked you, Liam, Dan for the sake of Dan. He gets his phone call. He's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston.

And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman from Boston. And that's why he's a real woman a die for a real friend. She's a real woman from Boston. I asked you, and that's for the sake of Dan. Dan, he gets his full

minute. Sorry, MC Bobby continue. I'm back with his friend. Oh my god. On the mic, I would rather watch the keyboard than outside. I'd rather watch my mom sexy dance. Your mom's sexy dance in front of me, and that's why me go PPP. Bobby's rap. Bobby's rap name is gastric sleeve. I got a stomach that used to be big now a Size of a little three. I take a eat too much food The album titles called big appetite Spelled in a little tummy big appetite spelled in the like the no limit font. Oh, yeah, with bling all right

Yeah, I did bling up the font dude. You know you liked it Hey, I was You're my real friend no real friend you're gonna come do an end my name Danny Bay You're argument that I'm not being honest. Yeah, I am watch start again Bobby watch what should I do in the background? You tell you this isn't me enjoying it Got Bobby stoic shit. I'm on the bonfire And that's why we all Life and no

Don't even Christine cheese out of sight Please stop To my right, you know, that's why you don't know how tight For the world for the love of Maximilian Kelly stop doing this. I got a son No, please No, no why he can't This is sorts of services. I'm stepping into stopping it from building quick

You have to think on your toes to do that. You know, he had a chance to rhyme when he said Christine He said one we have to lose one's black one is white. That's Christine. She's all right He could have said tight, but that would have been a lie I know right away that she's probably super loose guys are living in and better to call her all right You've built a house of lies. Thank thank you this is all no no no no no stop respect the man respect respect respect respect hey go start to happen again oh that's why I get my respect from my friends I'm gonna take a lot I don't have to take a lot I'm gonna take a lap. I don't have to take a lap I'm gonna drop it if you like my raps and that's why you got to take a crap Sorry

Dan's a nerd I want to apologize to everyone for whatever the fuck that just was what was it big that was straight lyrics off the Dumpies that was freestyle what they called round from in Boston and Mefa, they call freestyle. Freestyle from the street, place dead park, yo. They probably didn't have that out in the fucking snowy woods. You grew up in Dan, you hillbilly. Yeah, you're right, because we were sitting there warming ourselves by the fire with self respect. Yeah, is that what you call it?

An appreciation for the artists. An appreciation for the artists. Letting the actual artists do that. We, Robert, you made a mockery of that we Robert you made a mockery of free wrap we made a mockery of hip hop me and Bobby were out there in the mix with the black people learning jay were out there with wooded white school shooters don't you don't speak about nature and don't think about brothers bell buckles bell buckles and buck knives that's what you yeah you guys got us yeah god's country you guys God bless. God's country. You guys were fucking out your woods people

What you just both did you know about freestyle? Jay Jay you are complicit on a level that you and I can truly know complicit you are Bobby doesn't know those rhymes I can't do my moves. I can't I can't do my raps if you don't do your moves Bobby wraps the way popsicle sticks tell jokes You fucking need to stop that. I don't like what you're I don't like the implication of what you're making right now No, the evil you're truly doing encouraging that you build it up another rap inside me right now. I walk away Dan honestly, you're gonna build them up to a level You're gonna go to a level I'm getting angry. Yeah, I'm getting angry.

Yeah, I'm getting angry. Oh yeah, I'm getting angry on this mic. Dan don't know. He wants to fight. I'll punch him in the left. I'll punch him in the right. I'll hit him with enough of cut till he's either side. This is the food.

He'll hit the bars. He'll come back down and go Puzzle here We have a trot man Let's eat our pig in m underwear I'm Bob K and then you know I'm Move I will fart in the studio I like Jacob's my friends looks for you on a cut the music cut the music Jay you're just doing it for the sick dance moves You just want to get a couple dance moves off you're just encouraging Bobby so you can dance

Glad these chairs are on wheels. Did you never know what the fucking knock the sting back? You need more you need less yes men around you I'm out of yes man watch this Bobby. No, you should never stop rapping Bobbie I'm out of yes man watch this Bobby. Bobby, there is a freestyle rapper or the guy who signs in the less boy bands. Yeah, I can't be both. I can't be both. Here's America.

You know what? I played Tommy sticks and then I'm gonna get a couple of 16 bars off dude. I love I've rewatched those documentaries before just that old man who would be like, your boys are doing great. Let's try shirts off and at my house So funny that it worked like a pied piper. Yeah, I know these cool. He's like Boston dudes like yeah I went over and sucked this cock a few times. I know it's gonna be weird

Because you know boys, you know, it's really good for groups is to flex muscles at each other while touching Yeah, the LFO boys. I think those guys didn't you fucked all them. Oh, town, I think O'Towney gave a couple of fingers to. Lou Pearlman ran through hot guy ass. We were in, I was in an improv group, Al and the monkeys and the local radio guy tried to... Well, I see. Yeah. Really? Not really me.

Dang. He went after Dang. Yeah. Oh man, you're just a lead guitarist. You were Joe Perry. That was kind of bummed out. Dang, when Dang got in the Hollywood at the age he got in I bet there were some guys We're trying to get in between his butt cheeks. That's gotta be sure. Yeah, he's coming straight from Boston

He was a good looking kid. Yeah that boy band energy like to him with the joe to party Do you want to go to my house in the hills and party we could party? Yeah, I'd like to party you want a party like the party party. How about our sheriff party? I so I walk over to his. You want a party? Like to party. Like to party. How about a shirt off party? I so I walk over to his place. I open the door. Dane, but Dane, like people was like, he's gay. I've never seen somebody with more girls in him.

I have to. Gay, he gets gay call, call gay. He did back then. Oh really? For some reason, yeah, I'm like, here. Pure jealousy. I mean, dude, Got when he I think a carol I know he never got it growing up. Yeah, then when he popped he was his hair is but everything he looked great He he at that minute and it was just perfect and dude. Let me add carol lines dude. Woof. That's what I'm saying carol lines

He was like it did he was like it was like maroon five in a comic dude. I'm exaggerating I the line he would go through the meet and greet out in the lobby of carol was like it was like maroon five in a comic good. I'm exaggerating that with it the line He would go to the meet and greet out in the lobby of carolines and it was a line exclusively Of crazy Sluddily dressed smoker hot chicks and I think like the second day I did it with him ever he came back the next night and said like he'd left with a girl But she just wanted to fucking leave real quick so he's trickled back over to the carolines I think they put you up at the hotel across the street

for a while there. And he said, it came back over. And then there was more. And he said he went back with another girl or two. Or so it was like, he was going for it, dude. Good for him. Yeah, holy. Caroline does before he popped, yeah.

Well, before he popped the theaters, he was already huge. My space, like he was like, I mean, that what a fucking time and place, just to be dang cookin' you're like I'm tell you what he's really a side of that stuff. Not to the best of my knowledge. Know me twos or anything because he didn't have to. You know what I want to watch. I want to watch an iconoclast like interview with him and Pete and just have him talk about pussy.

Oh, Pete has. Pete's Pete's Pete. Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete's Pete. Pete. They took us. Yeah, my crazy is piece of ass. And Pete goes, I understand that. When I'm up in the pieces, us, but Pete, he, he hurtled Dane Cook like two years ago, probably. Yeah, no, I don't know.

Maybe I think he got, but he got famous. Yes. You know, but Dane, look at me. I prefer with Dane had. I think with Dane had was better. But Dane had famous girls, but people didn't know sure. I mean dude. He dated the lead singer of the pussy cat dolls And she sure isn't your Nicole The manager. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Yeah. I mean smoke at her peak. Yeah, they did it

Jessica. Yeah Jessica Simpson. I'm crazy dude. Um way. Yeah, Jessica Simpson. I'm crazy, dude. Um, way. Yeah, I swear. Uh, dude, I mean, he got some, no, no, I'm sure, but he's got more, but I think with Dane had more than I think he does. I think more than what Pete even does. I think Pete kind of exclusively hooks up with celebrities. I'm sure he gets pussy in between. I'm just setting Dane like is my sense. I know, he taught me the way. His way is the only way. But almost like you said, the Dane thing is like sense a no but he's on the way. He taught me the way. His way is the only way. But almost like you said the Dane thing is like almost, you know, it's a how it's turned always points at the Trump thing that Trump told him to always say he loves.

Oh, yeah, I love this is that he goes. Yeah, he goes, I'm telling you, Angelina Jolie is gorgeous. I get it. He's like, but really if you break down all of her flaws, off camera and everything, she's like a seven or eight. He goes, the best as you go. You find yourself a nine or a 10 hair stylist or girl who works at a fancy restaurant. He goes those are like the ones you want them for. And that's where I think Dane Cook's

probably. It was in a world like that. Like he can go fuck the hottest waitress at Del Frisco's if you're sorry, Jacob. No, he's also touring with like rabbit fans more than Pete. Like Pete's in like a weird celebrity culture Whereas Dana actually was like a traveling comic out on the road He would do the Yeah, Pete's banging chicks with credits Danes just banging just right. Oh, just a hot. I just fucking just fucking just assassins off this just pussy assassins with their like hey, Dane just just get sent at him.

And then Angelina Jolie, I wonder if you said that. She is like a six. What? Now, hang on. The worst, the worst. Let me say it one more time. Take the worst ass in the business.

Bring it up. Really? What, you got a pancake butt? Joe list has a better ass than her. Joe list though. I'm not gonna lie though, ever since I started doing Jiu Jitsu, he's got a little bit of a dunk there.

Yeah, he's good, don't you? The worst ass. Show the bum. You can't see it, they never show it. They never show it. Look at that. There's a guy gripping it. Yeah, but look how small it is.

That's a good picture. Look at that. Up to the right, it is. Up to the right. Yeah, that's terrible. Look at that. Yeah, that's the mind. That's a baddie Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, I mean dude. The worst. No, but again, like she's got a face you can make gorgeous so they are able to like Make her a sexual, but she's not like oh my god go to the gene show the genes to the right click on that one Yeah, boo. I mean Natalie Cuomo has a better but than her All right, inside baseball, but hey

You'll see everyone you'll see Little fuck their so she should be astronomically famous pretty soon. Yeah, her next word was gonna be Pete Yeah, dude terrible, but it is as flat as they got They have also age in front of all of us too. It was bad during that movie. The fucking, the movie where she, the hackers. What the hackers is like, terrible. Terrible, that's not the word.

Dude, is that when you noticed it? That's when I noticed her terrible bum, terrible bum. In the movie hackers, they show it, it's terrible. terrible great boobs the boom. Oh, they actually show her butt They show a boobs in hackers There's a movie called Gia On HBL. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, look at her. That's when she was high. She's so like she was hacking. Oh, she's like a guy boy girl She's her face is Weird more than anything else

girl. She said, oh, it's her face is weird more than anything else. I like the, she has like, she looks like a two intense Jennifer Rubin. Okay. Jennifer Rubin Jacob. Oh, Jennifer Rubin. It was the fingers needles girl from, they went on street three. Remember the girl from them? I'm street three that, uh, oh, you saying that too fast? Say it slower? They went on street three. Say it one most times a little slower. Nightmare on Omstreet 3. Say it one most times a little slower. Nightmare on Omstreet 3. Thanks, that's it. That's regular person. Yeah, now he's with his E. I do talk too fast. There it is right there.

That's Gia. Boo. Bad bum. First of all, her tits are not the same size. I hate it. You hate it. You hate my life. You hate Don.

I hate me. I hate me. I love, I love left one bigger than the right one Specifically what if the right one's bigger you like toss it back. It's bad boo She lied and said that she almost had breast cancer, so she got it made the same Who did Angelina Jorley? I don't know if she lied. No, she did everything she had like her. I think both of her tits are taken out because of a preemptive strike against breast cancer.

Really? Yeah, I think so. Oh, that sucks. Yeah, look at that. I'll tell you what though, she does not have large labia. You're looking for the hang down. I'm looking for the hang and I'll tell you what, smooth. Detective J, hard to work.

Oh, some rear burger. You go pull that back, one more frame, Christine. I think it hard to work. Yeah. Oh, some rear burger. You go pull that back, one more frame, Christine? I think it was a Mr. Skinkle, rear burger, when you can see burger from the back. Burger's such a great name for it. Baby. Oh yeah. She does have a boring ass.

Man. I don't know how to describe it. She's got young mom butt. It's still Angelina Jolie though. What does that mean? She's hot, she's crazy hot. She's not crazy hot, she's still it's still Angelina Jolie though. What does that mean? She's hot crazy hot She's not crazy hot. She's a sick. Those boobs are good. You still think Jennifer Aniston's hot hot

Like now at her age You know she's attractive woman. She's a handsome woman. Something wrong with her something wrong with her Her vagina has something like a bat wing labia is who a nugget down there because she should be married and Maybe is a nugget down there because she should be married and Aniston and it's just something wrong with her vagina breast smells something. I Mean I don't have a sense of smell. She needs find a guy like me. There it is something wrong. She's prepared to leave I go this doesn't work. I got Jennifer Aniston on the fucking hold. She goes. Do you think he's caught her as breath yet? No walk right through it

He's bulletproof. Absolutely. I'm bulletproof. Are you supposed to come on the start the show? Yeah. What happened? Are you? Jew problems. Damn. My God. With representation in the room, you're talking. You couldn't get out of his. Representation in the room. You look by a diamond store. He goes all the deals.

Even the Germans are still searching his house. Oh, you can't come out yet. What? His dogs having conversation with Jack gone right now. Kristi, those are all fake dudes. Jennifer has done no nudes. That's not her in the middle there. Oh, anything where she's covered up, maybe.

That's her, I think. Shout out to that magazine. I think I'd be owed to it. No, I don't think that one that one the race her ass Yeah, that was a rolling stone. No, not that one one of the right that one is definitely real that no titty things are real at all What about the top one in the middle with the double you should have been an investigator J That's not real the way your eye works is magical. I'm taking it. It's not I would just know dude I not only do I know the little semolano titty pictures and pussy pictures

I know them Lissamolano, Titty pictures and pussy pictures, I know them like what they are. One of her frolic and a beach full moth. Tattoo and her thigh. Her husband's no longer the main guide, CAA, so we're all fine. Yeah, we gotta find out if there's a degree in pussy archeology.

Yeah, so you gotta go back. You guys, I can be my honorary doctorate from Brown. He's got a Jurassic Park scientist for pussy. He's got a little brominous pocket. Look at this. This is an unsexual studies. It'll be called something like that. Yeah.

He's got like a little fossilized clit. It's funny he holds it up to the light. What's funny about this is you'll notice the cave. Christine, if you don't mind, bring up the one in the second from the left, right there. As I described, for all of you on the beach, tattoo right above her haunch and her full nice bush. James, you got a mom tattoo, huh? Been looking at that picture since I was, I'm going to call it 15 years old.

Who is that? Melissa Malano. What about the vampire movie she was at? Embrace the vampire. I rented that a blogbuster to see her, Titty. Also started Charlotte Lewis, who was the girl in golden child That's kiss and they suck and they suck Tits of the sucked it's I jerked off of my in the basement at my grandmother's house nice first time

I've ever jerked off at my grandmother's house. I always I was Catholic. I never done it either I can't that movie put me over the edge and that's back when you couldn't rewind didn't know when it was coming back. It just came on and I had to make a decision. You in the God like was the basement was the basement like private no or was it like at any moment something something. Let's put it this way. The basement was a basement like they just put a rug on finished a couple recliners and you're sleeping on the couch. I was sleeping on the recliner. Oh boy Because I could watch TV late because the house was very small sure and old and they were upstairs and and that came on I'm a little vampire movie where is I just want to get the schematics in my head. Yeah, where is the stairs to the recliner?

Is your back to the stairs to the left? So if you come down and you're jerking, they got full sight of you pulling. Full sight. So if anyone's on the street now, there's nowhere to be cool. There's nowhere to let go around the floor. There's nowhere to be cool. And you're also in the moment, there's no. There's nowhere to run.

But I would hear them, because it's such an old house, you would hear. Right. How fast was it, was it a quick beat? Was it a quick? Well, they were in their 80s. No, I'm talking about when you decided to jerk off to this movie. Within seconds, I'm talking about when you decided to jerk off

to this movie within seconds. I within seconds when that moment happened, when they kissed. They couldn't believe that Samantha, the titties were in suck. When she kissed, I'm like, I took my, I took my sh-t-man go. When they kissed, I'm like, take care of you.

There we go. And I'm glad I made that decision because that's when they started second. And then how fast did you, did you grab something to come in or Use blast and fucking I blew I blasted right on my belly Just like old pie and then I walk to the old cement sink the mop sink. Yeah, yeah slush sink That my uncle's just to piss in when they had parties. Oh, yeah, you know

I went over there and I turned it on it smelled like just old piss just you know Ballantine albeer and you know and I I clean my shtamank Oh And then I took the towel out and I put it in the trash Outside because it's my my grant the trash inside was by my the kitchen. Yeah, and old ladies can smell come. Oh, they smell come Yeah, I don't want to so I'd fight bleach like police dogs. I They smell calm. Yeah, I don't know. So I'd fight bleach police dogs. I The movie the other movie I had to do that with was snap dragon, which was Pam Anderson's

First soft core where she keeps fucking the got two guy one is Steve and Bauer From which one he's from Scarface his brother. Yeah, right and the other guy she's fucking is I want to get wrong. Keith David or David Keith, the one who was Drew Barrymore's father in Firestarter. And it's just her getting double, like we're fucking back and forth. Those guys. Oh, we'll be pretty great. I called you nap dragon. Snaptragon. It's also the name of a Kenny Omega suplex. Is it really? That's fun. The Snapdragon. I bet that's not I bet that's not on mistakes. Sn stews suplex christine there's a wiggly cock in the corner of this oh is that fucking chosen oh she fucked an asian guy snapdragon kudos please that dude something about soft core porn takes me back when i was

able to absolutely masturbate to this where i was like oh my god this is crazy why she fucking the iron chef? I have no idea. You're ingredient. You're ingredient tonight, pussy. Although you know it's funny, and there I say this. So Jim McClure, show me pictures. He used to Jim McClure, who's our boss here. Pause this, because there's 20 years. 20 years ago, used to work on Pam Radio, here on Sirius XM,

and he has pictures of her and she looks phenomenal. So in 2002, she's in a bikini the whole time. Hey, cowboy. Yeah, buddy. Cowboy. I've seen a lot of problems with this show lately. What's that, Ari? Ari's gonna be at the Beacon Theater, New York City,

Friday, March 24th, Good Tickets at rheshefear.com. I have no, have you ever talked about new Bobby wearing trendy clothes. Yeah, do Bobby's a stylist dude He's signing rappers. Now be cool. We were talking about B movies that had a list celebrities at a time in them Where you can like pound your meat to their porn before they their soft core. This is snap dragon with Pam Anderson Oh, and she has sex like a lot of sex like this. But I was saying this here for Lee. Toba time is changing though.

So I was telling Ari, I was saying Jim McClure, who's our boss here, who used to work on Pam radio. He's got all these pictures because she did the show always in lingerie or bikinis. And he's got pictures where she's standing. And you're still like, wow dude, she was so gorgeous. But didn't think so much at the time, or overthink she had the narrowest like, wow dude, she was so gorgeous, but didn't think so much at the time or overthink she had the narrowest like,

she was straight up and down like a stick, she was super skinny, it wasn't like hippie, no ass. So it's like, I mean she had a nice ass like from the back, obviously shape, but she didn't have like hips at all. She was narrow straight down, and I'm like that was the number one like hottest chick thing at the time. Now I was like, you've had a better chance of Lizzo being the America's heart throb

than a Pam Anderson type. She's sort of in sex scenes. If they call it brave when you do a sex scene, you know you're gross. Yeah. Who do you think is that? No, I don't know. I don't know. Anyone they call brave.

Yeah. So she fucking took a shot and took her shirt off knowing those giggles were filling every room. That's all. Yeah. Even though our nipples are bigger than her tits. Yeah. That's why I won't do anything shirtless or anything where they filmed me because I said I don't want my performance to be described as brave.

I said I don't want to be. Jay, Jay making a brave turn is guy with shirt off number one. Jay doing high level math. Jay. Jay. Jay. That's so brave for the try calculus. Look at him.

Joe. Look at him go. Do you remember the she was the movie? Uh, one just one of the guys. Yeah. That was another one. Talk about that a lot. That girl when she pulled in.

She pulled those titties out. Yeah, but what she acted like the dude, remember Williams abco was in it as the bad guy from from Cratichette. Yeah, Johnny Lawrence. And then she, uh, I mean, dude, come on. We were bad. The city scenes classic, get Johnny Lawrence and then she I mean dude come on we were bad. The city scenes classic.

But was it because she I'm asking this serious was it so sexy because she had awesome tips or what did it add a little flavor that she was dressed like a dude. Yeah. No, it's flavor. That's flavor. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's super hot tits from a dude.

Yeah. It's even hotter. Yeah. What was the most hot? Julie Andrews did that. Oh, man. It's sound of music. Oh my god.

No, she didn't know the movie. Oh! It's a good tits. Perfect. Look at those dudes tits. Perfect. Yeah. And that boy's tits are sick.

Yeah, imagine that. Imagine it was a good bite. Imagine that. Oh, they're very low hanging though. Here's the big way through the torso. Now they're great. No, they're low. Now you're wrong. Imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine that, imagine no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no You should rip it down the guy goes I don't get it. I'm gonna try say okay. Oh yeah, I show her pussy Wow did not expect that remember sleep away camp at the end the big secret was that she had a pecker no Oh show the last scene of the dream thing Bobby turned it off right before that goes no That was the love of my life. Go to the final scene of Sleepboy camp. It's creepy. What's Sleepboy camp? Sleepboy camp.

It's horror movie from the 80s. Did I tell you guys that I saw an indigenous person man in Guatemala? You're gonna say man. This is safe. Shut up, Guatemala. Wearing a bonfire sweatshirt. No. Yeah.

No way. It was pretty loud. I had to do a double check. I was like, wait, no way. That means it was air dropped. Yeah, he was under it. He had a bills It's always the means is a white girl dead Oh my daughter went down there is a chubby white girl that hasn't her head chopped up

Yeah, we're you can also find pictures of her on Facebook at Skankfest. Yeah She got her experience. She was I met Nick Mullen kill me now And then you know got lost in the ball fair enough. Yeah play it I don't even know if I know about this movie This is the entire sleeper kids just a kill now. It's just there's a killer at the sleep away camp And you think it's something some big surprises, but the big surprises. This chick's got to do big go crying game yeah we back up back up back up but there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there honest these two hyenas wouldn't yell at me. I'm kind of sorry. You can't fucking beat them back with a stick. Or they take over like they just did right there.

Sleep away camp. Enjoy. But when I was on it I was like it's the other which I was a little tensed out. I'm like double tap. Over and out. Over and out. And we did a whole music video with the yeah yeah yeah yes maps. Sixth and jump still possibly able somewhere.

What is that? Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did.

Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did.

Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl that we ever did. Every girl Wow, it's a big mouth big mouth and a nice hang. Yeah. Is that it? That's the end? That's in the movie. I don't understand or she was just the demon. She gets not demons. She was just the she was the killer the whole time. She happens and she happens to be a guy All right, I don't know if you want those as a celebration for the Eagles I just celebrate for the Eagles if you want lost for the Niners you can have some of these missy those Oh, you can have a loss the Cowboys you can have a chocolate chip bereft for yeah for the loser Are you we should give me half-back because the foreigners did beat the Cowboys dude they were

There are you we should give me half back because the foreigners did beat the cowboys dude. They were Let me get one so we had so bad for it. Derosa was ripping him I'm glad you brought that up. I haven't got to talk about so So mad Home app Derosa was like Jacob. Oh too bad for the 49ers But you guys didn't play this portalship and and so do went in so hard immediately Immediately fuck you kill yourself. You're a fucking chick. Yeah, hang on everybody Jacob always yells at me for things Why don't you yell mr. Dan once in a while about the chewing on the mic? Everyone was talking Mm-hmm. Well now other people are treating so watching you know them too much to yell everybody Jacob

Or is it only me you like to lash out at cuz you know I take it well? And I'm gonna have the rest of mine at commercial break. I'm telling you. Those people don't have to listen. What if he's blacked out? What if he's blacked out? When does Ari don't avoid the situation of you chomping on the mic? Jacob, give him the business. Just like you did me.

It's called Shafir shading. Yeah, we did a half shot. We actually like a like a feral cat. We had the Keral Ari once from trying to show us dick and balls to everybody walking by the Tackle you say that I'm gonna be surprised Every time I've ever done anything with him. I've seen his deck. Yeah, which is Right now Fun big

Please tell me what to do I I'm gonna tell you what to do I Watching All right, give me a couple of give some of the ham too There you go you think they get to help in one of those little slots of clear glass that it's dickhead Cool J walks by oh Yo, what's going on? You think I'm meant to hurt you? No, don't play that. You think that

is that or she feels asked? Well, already. So yesterday on the show, I came in still hot. I was mad. I saw him. I was mad at the road. I was damn term white hot. I was still pissed. Here's the thing. It was it was a Star Wars shot. He shot it right into the death star Right at the point where it could do the most damage. Yeah, the game was still going on dude It was at the moment where it was over though It was over and that's what I was realizing was that we can't throw the ball

There's no way we're gonna come back that we're on our third string quarterback who's now technically our fifth string quarterback And then it's duro's it's the Joker He doesn't care for some king. There's yeah, there's nothing I can't there's nothing good ruin unless I want to give people Fucking food poisoning. There's nothing I can ruin of his you get you're getting chump by a guy who's never even touch the football And here's the thing is getting chump from Essex Oh, he was he was being funny like I saw lines and I was like I was telling Jay like I saw the funny in the lines But I was just so mad at his intent and then Jay nailed it. I was by myself And I'm like what I'm thinking is happening at J's apartment is everyone's like

I know I immediately the first thing I say is like was the Rosa cackling and everyone's like yeah and Vekia on text He's like dude. Sorry about the rose. He knows he knows what he's doing And I was just fucking furious. I told you, I wasn't encouraging it. I told you, Rosa, he was like, dude, so does legitimately upset him. Like, I know, Joe. But he's also upset, not about a girlfriend leaving him.

He's upset about a football team, so you should double down. And he told me, I talked to him last night. He goes, it's crazy. He's upset about it, and you should keep going as much as possible. Yeah, he has no right to be this upset. No, I was it's it's a sports anger. So it's like go for it. Here's the thing I've realized. Alright, it was a quick burn. I was very hot. And then yesterday I was still I was mad at him. But you know, you'd be studying any time with people yet. You need to be a real piece. As soon as you saw me 15 minutes later, you were already 60% cooled off. 100%.

By 15 minutes into the show, I'd say 95% cooled off. Yeah, he was hot. I mean, you called Bobby. I called Bobby. So Bobby. Bobby caught all of it. Bobby caught all the sap, all the anger sap, because I called Bobby and I was like,

fucking the Rosa, talking shit. And Bobby's like, yeah, dude. And I he just let me go off and I told Jay It became a point where Bobby it became a dissonally. He's like get it out Get it out. It was hot. I mean he said when you said dude, I'll put hands on Oh wow shit out of you. I was like the Rosa here's the thing I know because here's my back beef with the Rosa. There's always my back. He talked shit sometimes and he'll put a physical threat in. And that to me is always like, I fucking,

dad, nothing to do with what he did then. I was just so mad though. It's funny too because if anybody else's girlfriend would be like, oh, can they come back? You're like, no, it's 31 seven, it's not going to. But your girlfriend knows sports enough to where, I'm sure she's also like, can they come back? No, she's 31 seven that's not going to but your girlfriend no sports enough to where I'm sure she's also like Can they come back? No, she wasn't she was even there. Oh, she was gone. I was by my new enough to leave the house No, yes

Dude that when she looked which you didn't have TV's a release it's where he's telling us she's at until we could Whatever guys figure out where she's buried. I got I got I knew I knew not to I fuck to do the week before which was funny and was week before Cowboys game Cowboys game. I called me used to do this thing Bobby did this thing in fucking 2011 When the 49ers were in the playoffs body called me and I picked up and Bobby's like dead Faking like we had a gig. He's like, yeah, I need you to open for me also ask us goes Skate Skye just put a curse on the 49ers dude they're gonna lose and they lost to the Giants and the NFC championship game and It took a while for me to forgive Bobby. I was pretty mad about it

But no so more than having a quick realization that you shouldn't be mad at Bobby at all You were buying into the fact that Bobby used his evil powers He has power. He has power. He has power. Yeah, and the Bobby is a shining arm. Next year he made me take the hex off. I can take the hex off. And by the way, they made it to Super Bowl. I don't know if you guys remember that. I do take the hex off.

I don't know if you remember that. They lost the Ravens Super Bowl 47. I don't know if you guys remember that. And that was more play calling because Harbaugh didn't throw it. Or run it with Frank Orr. Bobby was a Kabala priest. So the Cowboys were playing the 49ers. And I get three texts from Bobby and two of them were voice memos and I immediately

Chris demos I delete the voice memos and then Bobby calls me Hey, Chris and I go I'm not listening to your curses and he goes not not dude. They were actually not dude I just busted red handed. Yeah, he goes now. It's got it's a message. You have to listen to it though So there's a curse but Max was in the end. Yeah, he goes, no, it's got it's a message. You have to listen to it though. So there's a curse, but Max is on the end. He went, these nuts. Which, I'm out of this. I'm out of this. I'm out of this.

Who the hell are you? He's keeping you. Well, who, anyway, these nuts. Nice. That's it. So he just put his curse out there. Don't listen to him, Jack. You watching Bobby, it is the fun thing about a son that I would have had more than Isabella. I was

definitely when she was like cursing young or I catch cursing out of it. I was like, no, stop. You can't do, but it is. I see Bobby get the excitement. Like dawn's got to be like max. But he goes these nuts. Bobby's definitely like, yeah. Yeah, she's like max. I'm asked. He's like, yeah, I caught him. I have the the ring cam. and I caught him two times last week. The ring cam He American pie the ring cam I caught him I caught him singing limp biscuit coming in from school Just just wearing and like just to the to the world And like just to the to the world just like talking So just you know give fuck

I swear to God you get here and say and yesterday I'm on the fucking chainsaw Yes, yeah, I'm on the fucking chainsaw Is that part? Yeah, I swear to God I'm on the fucking chainsaw Oh, hey mom Oh mom, we learned about division today

So I had to call I had to call them up and be like, listen man, you can't, you're gonna watch him out. But yesterday I caught him on the ring cam while I was away, was it Sunday? He came home and he, he goes on the front ring cam, he goes, y'all be right there to his friends. Sebastian, I'll be right there. I gotta take a piss. And he walks over to the front door of the house

and pissed on the house. No, on the house? Not by it. You could hear him heating front door of the house and pissed on the house. No, on the house? Not by it. You could hear him heating the side of the vinyl. What? Pissed on the house, piss on the tree. And I'm like this. Yeah, there's something in the place that pisses directly on the house.

Well, technically, Bobby, technically, that house is his now. Max. Pissed on. Max, Max, just alpha out-alpha with you. Oh my god, it's his house now, though. I was just feeling like you're a piss. Yeah. In fact, I'm pretty sure you can get a pretty good quick alone. I was so I was so mad at him But I was I was mad I got a guy in mortgages that could probably help him out I was dying just to give him like your mother's got to walk across that well his mom caught him halfway through the video

I got the video she ran out. She don't got it. Yeah, she caught him. Can you text it to Christine so she can put it up on the big screen? I'll get it right now. So he goes. He sees her. He sees her. And she's yelling at her. You can hear her yelling. Then he looks up at the ring cam knowing I'm watching. So he's like, ah, and he just smiles.

Like, oh, shit. He walks away. That's funny. He goes, he goes, God, mom, I'm so sorry. He looks like the camera goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, then. I'm just like, yeah, I'm gonna dick, just like, yeah. I'm pissed on this dude's house. Yeah, then I'm a fucking pissing machine. I heard it was right here. This is it right here.

Can you email it? I'm gonna email it to who do I email it to? To Christine. Have you ever got angry and walked off? And you catch him trying to curse under the like the walk away of like fucking fucking curse. He was talking. He was, he was gotten a little fight the other day last week and he was in his room

talking to himself. Hell yeah. Only children. I know that one. I know all about talking to yourself. He's like, bass, he's like, I don't want to kill I don't want I love my parents. Why why pain? Why not love? No, stop it shut up. You're wrong. You're wrong. I don't want to feed the beast. Why would I feed the beast?

But I told him I go, hey, what are you doing? What are you talking to? You're mom bitch? Oh me, I'm just hanging out with your wife, though Well, he goes I told him I you can't talk to yourself you have to talk to either you talk to me your mom or you you know Say anything you can't just sit in your room, but I guess his mom I disagree What's wrong with talking to you so no no no? No, so you if yeah, you communicate and we're talking it's weird behavior. Yeah, you know talking

No, I'm not getting out at home you can go. Then go out. You can write it in a journal. No, no, yeah, he's right. Here's what I found it. Where is this journal? All right, doogie houses. His mom said that he could write in a journal. If he ever gets great, you know, oh, well, me right in the journal. So he was writing in the journal, but using voice to text. Brilliant. So he's talking to himself. He was talking to himself right in the journal, so he was writing in the journal but using voice to text. So he's talking to himself. He was talking to himself right in the journal with voice to text.

I was like, that's too, I told him, I go, that's too nerdy. He ain't doing that. I go, come, you talk to me. Just come talk to me. And we came and talked to me and we worked out in two seconds. I can talk to you self in a room. What's wrong with you? I'm telling you man, I don't know.

It worked out for me. Well, I'll tell you this, I'm finding myself now on the road on the road. It's the original podcasting Bobby J. Yes, we're all on the road a ton. I'm paying attention to myself now and getting concerned about how much I'm speaking out loud when no one's there.

I don't mean two people, just like speaking out loud. It's like, all right, time to get up and start getting ready for this show With inflection and little noises that go with it that Welcome to the life of dance hoater, dude. It's weird though. No, is it yeah, I mean just a kid I get it That was my white I gave a whole month. I gave a who raw the other day in a hotel room. That's what's no reals. I he raw Yeah, that's weird who raw and then just Watched get back watching when I going on. He raw. Yeah, that's weird. Ho raw. And then just watch it back watching what I was watching.

That's strange. Yeah, it's very strange. Do you have comedians, CTE? No. Have you been funny too much? Have you been knocked around by laughter too much? No, I think I heard it on the thing I was watching said. No, they're ho-rah.

You're the people. You're the people. They're like, thank you everybody. Yeah. Piggy. I love you. Now up to bat bat Aaron Aaron judge. Yeah.

Uh, yeah, I did get too mad at the Rosalind, but uh, in my defense, that was, that was probably the most chance it was a 50 50 game. I know. Yeah, his favorite, his favorite, uh, or my favorite thing was talking to the Rose last night. He was like actually bummed. I was like, dang, I like actually really personal for what I was doing.

And he goes, I was like, what do you mean? He goes, oh, damn, it was like, oh, you little pussy, you're gonna call me later. When you call, yeah, talk about later when you're gonna be a little pussy and call me and tell me you were just kidding. And he was like, I was just kidding. I think it's like the point is, I was just getting old.

Yeah, he just caught me at that moment. Yeah, so you just got, it was a right place for a Wrong time. Listen, happened to me when I was six years old, and I accidentally stepped on that dog's paw and he bit my face. Dog was a bad dog. What a bad dog at all. We had a murdered still. No, he didn't. He, but he bit again and then he was killed. But not because of you. No, the killing had nothing to do with soda. That's what happens. Thank you, but that's what happens. No, that's what happens when witnesses don't testify the person's able to go kill again. Oh Real smart. Well, bit of kids need I wouldn't have had I wouldn't have wanted you to go out of your way and have this dog put down so you could save some other

Moise face. It was his knee. He didn't even need it. He was not athletic. I knew about the kid. He was in my name right he wasn't that Flat again. Who Charles's knee? That kids a do we Last pick and baseball every time. Do you guys have a fight where you have a fight with somebody out loud? Oh yeah, by yourself. By yourself. Oh yeah, Dan said it's Vecchio.

Was he discerned? Yeah. I have a lot of arguments. It's a joke on my HBS special. I fucking, my roommates heard me lose arguments in the shower. Lose arguments. Yeah.

All right. Yeah, I got it. That's a good point. You know, you can win them, right? That's a good point. You know, you know, you don't want to get cocky. You want to have an MMA record. You want to be like 14 and seven.

Yeah, when you know your imaginary opponent goes, you have done similar stuff. You're like, yeah. Yeah. All right. Have you ever had somebody go, what did you say? And you're like, oh, I'm just talking to myself. Yeah, I did like song, like weird song parts

that I would never do in front of people. Okay. I'm like suck it in the middle, I'm stuck in the middle, and I don't mean it in my mind. I've been caught in the restaurant a bunch. It's like folding napkins and I'm like, yeah, then he's gonna come over here and be like,

hey, I need you to fucking work for it. I didn't like you, I'm like, I'm gonna fucking, hi. I'm in the room. Hi, how are you? I've had Don come in. Faces, the whole thing. I'm in the shower arguing with somebody, like, you like go fuck you. You're gonna do that to me

You don't know the fuck I am and she goes who are you? I'm like I'm fucking mind you fucking business. Hey lady Keep walking your dog I'm gonna know him and somebody and then talk to another friend like this guy said this to me and then I was like It's like hey, she shouldn't have said it to him. Why you telling me? I felt J nailed it. If I wouldn't have, if anybody would've been with me, I would've been like, get the roses set this

and they'd have been like, that's funny. I told the story. And I said, I got to tell Karen Fee in this last night with her and Lewis both being at the stand last night. I was like, Karen Feehan after Rafi May died, tweeted, like, who has big J-Occarcin next on the death pool or something like that? It's funny. And it just, I was like, Karen Feehan, after Rafi May died, tweeted, like, who has Big J-Occus and next on the death pool, or something like that? It's funny.

And it just, I was in a hotel, I don't know if I was having a shitty weekend to show or not. People that I didn't fuck you, I was like, I called Lewis, I'm like, she should be off-gain. Who does she think she is coming at me? What happened to respect the Uraldoers? And all this fucking video shit.

Lewis is like, it's like, dude, I can't. Ball in a cup games. And I got out, man, totally. Yeah, I'll sell it like, that's a good thing. All this fucking Loose is like And like Man totally I'll sell like I can't get rid of a show Because I'll say

It has over 1400 likes in seven minutes I can't and good conscious to Lead that Yeah, yeah, I was just alone If one of the person was just like, dude, yeah, I wish Angelina Jolie had her ass. Yeah, oh, what are we? Fantasy booking fantasy booking.

I'll give her Alexis Texas ass. We can get the hell out of Texas. He's in all the time. We can go home and just like beat off. We got bodies. Is it holding up? Oh, Alexis Texas. Yeah.

No, now she looks like now she got Jerome Betis back. That's the way she get fucking. She walks like an old running back. She's well there he is. I played with this son of a bitch Well that was this I'm a bitch in Pittsburgh For five years. Do you remember here someone's here someone's lurking? Jim McClure. Do you remember the uh Jim McClure? Do you remember Carmella Bing? Yeah, absolutely because she was so tired

I know, but I think she was I know but I think she was but I think she was fat. Got crazy hot and then did porn and then just said, but I'm gonna be fat again. And then she's embraced being like a fat porn star, which he'd already had the years away. And she was gorgeous. She actually, when she got fat fat wasn't that hot anymore. You should change their face What? Fatshecks aren't hot. Oh, Jay be progressive. She got more she became more People saying and she got great Jay you meant to say she got braver. She did get braver for sure She got braver. She got braver by about a minute. He's still holding up. I got to gorgeous chick I know Jason go learn bet you ever see like a fat chick who's like, but like really hot?

He goes, yeah, me neither. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh., expand, click that. Make it bigger. We're not gonna see your child's penis by accident, all right? Oh, maybe. Please show me your dick, dude's dick. You might.

That's so funny you can hear him. Where's it other there? Hey, listen. I go back, go back, go back, go back. I'll go back, go back. I want to hear him say it. Right here. That's it Ash!

Oh, it's weird. Oh man, he's just hoesing down the house. Oh yeah, don't run. That's a Halloween prank. Yeah, that is so funny. He's going to the bush, Max. Go to the bush for the inside. I also like this little boy thing of holding the shirt up

No, I get spot now. I just got Do you go back? Go back? Go back? Go back? Go back right there. That's what he says. Do his mother. I'm taking a piss. Do his mother. This is not my kid. I'm taking a piss. And they saw you. This kid rolls. Why? I'm taking a piss. And they saw you. Let's get rose.

Why? Right next to the door. Is there like a mulch there? Is there something to absorb it? The front door of the house is a little savvy. He passed two different bushes to piss on the door. He's there. Why is not even the side of the house. There's a rock.

You know the rock in front of my house? He walked through God's toilet across all that grass and tree. Just a piss on your door. Is it just concrete right there? It's nothing. It's the house. He went like and found the house. I'm just gusset by all the piss on the house. And then his mom goes, what the hell, she saw and heard it.

And they're like, what are you doing? He goes, I'm taking a piss. Hey, babe Why don't you stop me acting that cuz I'm pissing don't you have a fight? I go I'm such a fan of this shirt up. He's a little the little boy. Hey Watch out. There's the minke is in that video. I gotta watch out those You gotta blur out that's the minke. I'm just discussing with this, I'm leaving. What?

Is that really all you're coming by for? Yeah, it's late fucking Norman and Morelle once too long. Oh, you go to a podcast where you drink and you come in all hot. Keep R.I.E.S.E.E.R.E. Beacon Theater Friday, March 24th, tickets at rachafere.com. Oh, you have to go? Yeah.

What do you think? You have no this show, right? No, I have like therapy. Oh, is this therapy though? It isn't away. Get it. Nothing. No, shit, you're pants. I almost did. I got a head come out on that. I could push it hard. That's what you get for going to a podcast where they booze up and then force it a fart out. You know, let's poop your pants off. If you want to skip today, just let you know that this episode's brought to you by BetterHelp.

You can give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com slash crack when you're on your way to being your best self. Question my BetterHelp. In addition to mental help, do they offer any rectal help for people who die real or not? That's true. No, but they can help you deal with your emotions about your rectal problem.

Drop my ring yourself, yeah. Yes, the shame you feel. That'll help that come. Thank you for listening. Thank you for listening. That was just a portion, a tiny sliver, a morsel of the entire show. You want the whole thing? Go to seriousexempt.com slash bonfire for a special offer that is tremendous.

It's so good. It's going to make your family upset with you. We're going to lose money over here. It's so good. It's gonna make your family upset with you. We're gonna lose money over here. And you can go to bigjcomedy.com and dancorder.com for our stand-up dates.