The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Meatloaf Sandwich (feat. Kevin Ryan & H Foley)

Episode Date: May 3, 2024

Kevin Ryan and H. Foley from "Are You Garbage?" hang out for the whole show! They chat about smoking, fat foods, Comedy Cellar days, and comics stealing women from each other. A ten-year-old Kevin tries to impress women with parody rap. Bobby gets fooled by a lady sent to his hotel room. If you would like to see a live Bonfire in LA on 5/9/24, go to https://www.siriusxm.com/netflixisajokefest No purchase necessary. Must be 18 and over. FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly Oh What's wrong? Oh, what's wrong? I pinched my finger in my headphones really all right you have to say like that where Where did it happen a little? Little thing okay. Yeah, I thought you're gonna be concerned. I'm worried about you. Are you really yeah? Yeah, you have pink fingernails. They're purple. Oh, sorry Do you know these are purple? I'm colorblind. Bobby's having a bad day. Are you colorblind? No, I'm not I just said that you just said to get around to this back off me. Hell. Yeah. Why does Bobby have the cool headphones? I got him. Huh? I got him. Bob got Bob got bought third-party ear pads

As soon as I got the gig, I'm like, just are buying our own supplies. I deserve new headphones We got to get totally blinged out ones Just like fucking the jazz old all over the thing and I know it's bejeweled But I want to use the vagina ones for these I'm gonna get the jazz away. I'll get you spiked You need spiked headphones. Absolutely. Do they have that for vaginas? Bejazzling the jazz link. Oh, let's get into that everybody is the bonfire faction talk serious XM 103 big Jay Okerson the great Robert Kelly as always across from me The whole gang is here and our guests everybody both specials right now on YouTube

One of the hottest podcasts in the world and two of the funniest guys in the world everybody from the are you garbage podcast? It's age Foley and Kevin Ryan everybody everybody from the are you garbage podcast it's age Foley and Kevin Ryan everybody what's up dudes you guys give such great intros on your podcast I'm wondering if you love it there well last time we were talking you were like I get nervous that I'm gonna flop and you kind of did flop are you garbage yeah yeah fuck well you should if I did it it would have been worse well I was going from memory we got Bobby read it which is the funniest of all things I have a Fuck. If I did it, it would've been worse. It'd be like if he did it. Well, I was going for memory. We could have Bobby read it,

which is the funniest of all things. I have a learning disability, dude. You do. I don't know why we turn it over to you. Every time I feel terrible when you're reading, what was it yesterday we were going through the tweets, the tweets people were writing, the responses to Dane Cook and his child bride,

and you would just get these ones that we would go back and forth reading, and mine would always be a sentence for some reason, and then Bobby got the diatribes and is up were him you oh That's like us with the ad reads I open up the ad reads and hit him with the you know the the he's a razzle-dazzle He's doing if he gambling legally If he's gambling illegally, go to Connecticut.com and do the goo. To answer your question Foley, the jazzing short-lived trend in the world, because I can only imagine one, they start falling off immediately.

I can see maybe the allure of an immediate seeing of a vajazzled vagina, but when it's like missing things, it's like the P being missing from an open sign on a pussy, seems like. Looks like an old motel sign, which is hotel. Says HBO. Zzz, zzz. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, those rhinestones would hurt.

And so yeah, girls would do that for a hot minute, and then it's gonna, first of all, I think one of these things gets up in ya, that's a problem. Yikes. That's a definite problem. Is it still offered? Is the service still offered

The jazzing but I couldn't imagine I think if I Pulled a girl's pants down or she pulled it and I saw that I would just too much attention to her pussy area in general I'd be concerned about yeah, do you know what I mean like sure it's like you don't do this if you're not gonna make sure Several people see yeah, not rolling the dice on that. Plus when you come on it you have to wipe it all the bejazzle off. It's gonna be load and fucking little fake rhinestones. Is this worth money? Get them sparkling again. Hotel maid saves a pouch of Vajazzle falloffs. She goes, one day I'll cash this in.

I'm going to make a lot of money off the lady pussy. Yeah, it doesn't, it looks wrong. If I got mine Vajazzle, you wouldn't be able to see it. I'd have to pick up my, my gunt. You're Vajazzling would tuck underneath at the base of your dick. I could have two words, but one you don't see. It really is the perfect word, the gunt, because that's exactly what it is.

Or what do they call it for a man? Fupa still, like a fat upper penis area? No, that's the bummer part, is that you have a gut on your dick that flaps over an inch of it, like a belly. That's why, laying on your back. That inch of it, like a belly. That's why, laying on your back. That inch was way too specific to know. It's just, yeah. You got three guys in here.

It's like an inch and a quarter, guys. It's cutting off about, I don't know, in my experience, two and one-eighths inches off my gut. You get three guys in here with dick stomachs. Yeah. It really hides the inventory, I'll tell you that. It's like having frosted windows on a mattress store. But Bobby got me thinking,

and he might not be wrong about this. Deep guts. He might not be wrong about this, I don't know about you, but what I also, what I have in gut, I lack in ass. So I've always had to, I've always had to, I said I gotta do the belt, like I'm gonna shoot heroin into my ball bag And like I'm looking for a vein to hold my pants up

And then I'm wondering if just the shaping I've done you know people like women were shape where yeah Yeah, women wear those like corsets and stuff to me and their bodies eventually start taking that your intestines I wonder if I pushed I would if I push the fat of right in the middle down to my fucking Actually putting my belt over my belly button. You're trying to reverse it. You look like a DA Look like Al Capone public defender Let me just find these papers He opens briefcase is more sandwich than paper. You're doing seven to ten.

Capsule, let me see you in chambers, please. Are you over the belly? What are you at now? You're probably can't have that big of a belly at this point. I'm, I don't know, I'm on the belly, sometimes under the belly. Because I'm at the belly button now, I go over the belly. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

It's crazy. When I started losing weight. He takes it off, it looks like there's been a, he's been hogtied. There's rope burning. It is bad. My stomach should be holding up today's newspaper. It's ugly.

Looks like somebody tried to saw you in half. It's bad. Oh man, belt marks on a guy. I had a long time, I had surgery on my left hand and I was maybe in eighth grade and we were leaving the hospital. My mom was driving me home and I should have brought like basketball shorts but I wore jean shorts and then she had I couldn't because I was in a sling so she had a butt in my pants

for me and she was like I'm like she's like do you go over or under? I'm like just fucking button it ladies. Anywhere. Anywhere. Let's get this over with. You made me. Back in the day though guys Let's get this over with. You made me. Back in the day, though, guys always went over the belly button.

Like a gentleman. Like a gentleman. Yeah. Yeah, that's a gentleman trick. You pull it up over your belly button. But those guys, when they got naked, they never had the dick fat. No.

No. The belly went down to the. Yeah, they were all starving from the Depression, like the Jimmy Stewart era. They wore those high wool pants. I think you when they wear the belt up here this is all then free hanging yeah it's all free hanging so hanging so you're right they got those big guts yeah but the right above the dick is flat we've trained our bodies to push our fat down right above our dick Jacob

I feel like you have a question you know I watch a lot of fashion videos. You guys wouldn't go suspenders? Suspenders. Suspenders. You don't mean that. I want to actually wear suspenders, but I know society would frown upon it. I think with your bungee-coot, as a fat guy you can.

You gotta be taking a pie to the face if you're putting suspenders on. It's gotta be holding the barrel. Dude, there was a guy, what was that guy's name, Bob? You probably knew him a little bit. He floated around comedy for quite some time. He might still be around Bill something. But he was a fat dude, and he wore suspenders,

but he wore, like, the ones, like, it looks like you're actually getting ready to, like, do something at, like, Cum Depot. The cross strap. But it's also, like, it's, like, five inches across. Like a lumberjack. You're a lumberjack. He's an iron worker. Like a lineman for the county, yeah. It's also like it's like it's like five You're a lumberjack Ironworker, but alignment for the county. Yeah, it's like they were so strong these suspenders. I actually have suspenders I Wear them in the winter up when I wear my snow pants. Mm-hmm. I have to wear suspenders, but they they're with the snow pants

No, I got snow pants with suspenders. What are you wearing snow pants for go? You know snow showing snow what snow showing snow shoe so means done once On your feet tennis rackets, but yeah He bought his whole family snow shoes, yeah Oh, I thought you're gonna show something If I'm doing a suit I'm in with the suit. I have a great it doesn't know I like if you don't like you. Yeah now suspenders with a suit, I don't mind. I think it goes with anyone with a suit. Yeah, suspenders look nice on a suit,

because it makes it, even for a big guy, it's billowy in parts then, because it's being strapped down, so it looks a little... Yeah, but it pulls different parts, the way they connect, it pulls up the pant. And as a fact, there ain't no tension on a shirt. And it rides right up your ass.

You're right, but you also gotta be sure then, for sure that you have it have to go straight down nip line, or it looks like your tits are bursting out of a shirt. Somebody pours a pitcher of water on you. Oh, I should be holding St. Pauli's, St. Pauli girl fucking beers in my hand. At the end of my fatness though, my rule was no tie, no tuck, fuck it.

Anywhere I went, no tie, no tuck. Sure. I saw that on you, yeah. You had a pretty good shirt for it, too. Really? I saw a lot of pictures. There's a shirt. And Fat Guy shirts, they have an extra button down the bottom.

You understand? There's the Fat Guy button down the bottom, a lot of people don't know about. So when you pick your thing up, it doesn't flap up. Don't go peeking. You don't go peeking at your little belly. So no tuck, no tie was my thing for a while. Yeah.

I'm no tie. I feel like I've reached, I'm never doing a tie again. I actually have a- There's no reason. I do a bow tie now. I respect that, that's fun. I'm just not doing a tie. It's made of peacock feathers.

I wouldn't know, Bobby, what I just witnessed there. That was Kevin Ryan giving you elder respect, elder comedian respect. You said I do a bow tie. He's like, yeah, that's totally cool. I know, I'm with it. I own a bow tie. I have a bow tie. Bow ties are hot, dude. I love a bow tie. He's like, yeah, that's totally cool. I'm with it. I own a bow tie I have a bow tie bow ties are hot

Kevin didn't think it was as cool. I wear I wear with my snow shoes I wore a bow tie to the last wedding I went to I were it's it's made of peacock feathers Wait, the wedding that was on the wrong night. Oh Patels were very happy. I showed Bobby drove out to, the wedding that was on the wrong night? The Patels were very happy I showed up. Bobby drove out to a very far away wedding on the wrong night. Oh, shit. That was my fucking dumb wife who's pre-menopause.

We showed up at this wedding. That seems personal. She was hot flashing. She was hot flashing in the bus. You're the one wearing a bow tie. Bobby, I don't know. I guess it's today. I guess the thing's today.

I'm hot flashing. Two hours out in New Jersey where Dave Smith lives in the woods. Okay. We're out there going, it's on a farm, going to like field to field looking for this farm. Showing up at a farm the wrong day in a bow tie is pretty fucking hilarious. Just a guy with a sheep.

You're on the wrong day, Bob. I'm the bank forecloser. I'm here to trade slaves with y'all. I got my home. I hear you got heard you had a young buck I got to get my eyes on. Bobby's selling his wares from town to town. Keep the pops open a briefcase. Step right up folks. I got the elixir that's going to change your life. Going to a farm in a boat by the wrong bank. I got the elixir that's gonna change your life The way 350 Magic boat died your peacock feathers found this fancy lady back in this city I brought her out here to show you sure she's pre menopausal

But sure blotchy or no neck is hot all the time. She doesn't share the Voluptuous nature of your natural born thick ladies out here. Sure, she's lazy enough not to do roots anymore. Did you? Oh man. Oh, deep gut. Yeah, did you get a hotel and stay out or did you drive back?

No, we had to drive all the way back, get a new babysitter. It was a fucking nightmare. That's crazy. Whose wedding was it if you don't mind me asking? It was Louie's assistant, Leah. She had a big, huge circus theme wedding too. It was funny.

She told me this whole thing and there's going to be circus people and all kinds of jugglers and people on stilts and we show up. I'm looking for all this shit. There's nothing. He goes, I just see a farm and a lazy guy with hay in his mouth. Looks like you came on the wrong day, bow tie. The Louis wedding ain't till tomorrow. You stay in the barn if you want, but your wife's gonna have to stay in the big house with me.

They're saying Yellowstone, right? He goes, we could always use another hand down here. Yeah, I was, I don't know if I was ever that mad at her than when the guy went and goes, yeah, there's a wedding here tomorrow. And I just saw her go, oh, is it? I was like, you fucking knew. That's crazy as a, I would never get in a car

to drive that far without getting eyes on an invitation. Triple confirmation. Without being like, let me, I believe you that it's here, but I gotta get eyes on that. But I feel, even if it was like talked about for a couple weeks within the house, and it was, I assume the mistake was committed to way back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Don't forget, next Friday we got whatever, yeah. That would have been send a nice envelope and missed a wedding. I wouldn't go back. You guys probably aren't relying on your ladies as much as me and Bobby are. Oh, no.

Because I would, me and, You're way wrong. I'd eat that same shit, I'd eat that same shit if Christine made that mistake. I would just be like, yeah, she said it was today. So it's today Yeah, and we would just go yeah, and then I like to live in that because then I'm right when I'm shitty to her the whole Drive back. Oh, yeah, it's great. Hey, yeah Guys nothing better just owning the night you own the rest of the night I didn't I went I took her to a steak dinner at Eddie V's.

You rewarded her. And then I got her a Louis Vuitton bag. Well, this is not how someone learns, Bobby. Jesus Christ. He traded in his bow tie. Ah, peacock feather, this oughta do. Do you guys baud her here? I was in a mall with a fuckin' peacock bow tie.

Oh my God. Mr. fuckin' Fucking titilly Winx goes to the mall They probably thought you were there to buy them all you seen a ball recently It's it's made of feathers. It's made of peacock feathers bowtie made of peacock Does it come out like a little bar mustache? Yeah, you can fly with it. Yeah, apparently it's going under but the fucking nyack mall I love that mall. I mean, I love it that it's, no, I love it that it's bad. It's like you go, dude, you can take, I take my dog in that mall, no one says anything. You can just walk around, no one cares. You ca-, it's, it's crazy.

There's no help. No, it's, dude, what's crazy about mall, American malls now, you go on the road, you'll pop into a mall, you know, whatever, kill some time, is there's still people in the kiosk. You're like, the whole first floor is empty, buddy, get a store, believe in yourself. You're still out in the middle of the mall, come on. Dirt cheap. Get next to the BB gun guy, they're killing it. Hey, shave club for men.

Let's get a fucking lawyer, huh? They do have a BB gun. They do have a BB gun and paintballs. You can shoot BB guns. Yeah. And then you still got the guy pedaling cell phone cases. The problem is it's what you can afford. What are people paying for? Bobby, individually, by himself, we

may have told you guys a story, by himself, got a food truck, a brick and mortar restaurant, from his patronage in one summer. Yeah. In two weeks of a summer, Bobby bought so many meatloaf sandwiches from a meatloaf sandwich place that they opened up, and I swear to you, a brick and mortar meatloaf sandwich store. They're not franchised.

It's not even a joke. 150 locations across the country. The first week it just left. That's a lot of meatloaf. I went there so much. I went back. Well, let me explain it from my perspective, because that was the first. Where was this?

I'm sorry? Bobby, Montreal Facts. Is this a meatloaf panini we're talking about about Arby's No, this is this is meatloaf Which was had all kinds like just whatever ketchup II sauce that was made Homemade chutney. Yeah, which is they put it and it's made it's basically in between a grilled cheese Yeah, it was basically in between a grilled cheese. Yeah. It was so decadent. Me and Bobby went the one that we got, kind of were over there together,

I guess try one of these. And we tried it and we were like, god damn it. We were like, it's probably, we both knew, it was two fat guys sitting there, it's problematically good. So I go, well you know what dude, we'll have an excuse. Like let's stay away from this fucking thing. And then when Christine gets to town,

and Dawn I think also maybe was coming to town the next week, we'll take the girls and we'll go over there. So I meet up with Dave Smith came to town and I remember taking Dave Smith and Christine over to the truck. And when I get to the truck the second week, it says on a grease board. I'll take two Bobby's

Bobby Bobby it said customer of the month Three days by the customer of the month Robert Kelly I was like what the fuck me Christine's not like what hell? And they were, if you bring up Bobby right there, they're gonna slide you a little free thing. You know Bobby? Please, one of these is on the house. Take a chutney. Bobby had a surplus of chutney mason jars in his room.

They just kept giving him, because he spent so much money there. So what Bobby did over the course of the week, apparently, is told everybody else a one-time thing, like, it's a lot, but I'll go get it with you once. I like that move. I went back there. This place looks good.

I think eight times, I got eight sandwiches. I just kept going back. I actually went by myself at one point. I was like, I'll be right back, I'm getting a coffee. I went and got an old meatloaf sandwich and ate it by myself. Getting a coffee, what a turn of events. I went from a five calorie drink

to a meatloaf sandwich. My fifth of the week. Don't forget the chutney. And the chutney, bucket of chutney. You definitely had more than one in a day at least once. Well I had two a day. I actually had to leave. You don't think I'm cousin of the month don't want a day. It's a rookie number.

Yeah. Anyone could go once a day. Anybody wanted that. I left the stuff, you know the stuff they give you at the festival, all that shit they give you? I had to leave some of it for my chutneys It's a rookie number. Yeah. Anybody could go once a day. Anybody. Anybody wanted that. I left the stuff. You know the stuff they give you at the festival, all that shit they give you? I had to leave some of it for my chutneys. I had it packed in my bag.

Oh no. You had to leave behind your fucking Gary Owens CD that you didn't ask for that was in your bag? Throwing your CPAP away at the airport because they're way in the bag? Throw it out! You know what's weird? We rode our bikes all the way to the brick and mortar. Oh yeah. And they don't serve the to the brick and mortar. Oh yeah?

And they don't serve the meatloaf sandwiches there. Oh my God. Those are only in the trucks. They betrayed me. They made them for a special. I paid for this shit! But I'm telling you, yeah, it was more of a chicken place. Like a broiled, not delicious chicken.

But we told them when we got to the brick and mortar, like, no, we're here because of the thing. And I'm almost certain, when we said Robert Kelly, they go, get a couple pieces of meatloaf, we can fry it for you in the back. And they made us the sandwich. They had to break glass to get into it. The emergency Bobby meatloaf.

He's not coming to town today, is he? All right, you can have this. Just a petrified sandwich in a glass case. That's where it all started, right there. They make one every day for him in case he shows up. Like Ricky Bobby's dad. Oh we sent it to a place at the table for Robert Kelly. I like a nice meatloaf though Bobby. This sandwich was the best sandwich I've ever eaten. I feel bad because I don't know the name of the place. I couldn't tell you the recipe. It's some French name. Bobby's. Unduplicatedable. But fuck it was good. It was good. It was

so good. They was so good. They had it there, one year they had it, two years they had it there. The next year I went back, when I showed up they went, hey, they knew me from the year before. Extra staff on. It's something when people have that formula they can't figure out.

I'll tell you if I could figure out at home a quick way to whip up McDonald's hot mustard sauce, I could probably never have McDonald's again. I'm sure you can figure that out, and we can figure that out now. Now. It's probably three things. They show you the ingredients already on the package.

You still can't do it. You don't know how to do it though. You don't even need niacin in it. Listen. Niacin! Listen, we can all throw together ketchup, mayonnaise, and relish, but is it Big Mac sauce when you make it at home?

You ain't wrong, baby. Yeah, you know, it's something about it. I don't know why. I don't know why. Starbucks one time, when I used to go to the same one all the time in Long Island, one time they were like, like the staff there like slid me, they were like, here, like here's the chai, whatever,

and I went and I just gave me the, like the, you know, the chai stuff. I went home and made it with Open it the same way. I would get it at the store with my ice cubes from home undrinkable It's just something weird about it. It wasn't right. It wasn't right at all I guess soda streams never gonna taste like a fountain soda dude. I do I listen I've been a fat ass my whole life I didn't buy that for a half

If I can buy RC Cola when time I can imagine you have I have one in my fridge That's nice just because Christine's a girl and girls like soda Well, I don't think the only excitement in their lives, but like girls like seltzer. Yeah, I had a soda stream built into the fridge Sounds like a sixth grader Girls like seltzer I don't get seltzer. Really? No. I love a nice seltzer. I don't drink it anymore. I like root beer better I don't drink it anymore. I know I just turned on I just started drinking it. Root beer is the best. The sweetest

It's the best soda out there. Yeah, it's nectar of the gods. I mean if they have a root beer I'm getting it. Uh-huh I'm not even supposed to drink it. I'll fucking drink a root beer. You a root beer is the best the sweetest. It's the best so I mean if they have a root beer, I'm getting it. Uh-huh. I got my research to drink it I'll fucking drink a root beer your root beer guy Philly's got some good root beers Hanks. Here we go Pennsylvania Grandfather is Hank we found that out. Oh man. That's big birthday party. There was Creeds of it. We're like what the fuck? Because my great grandfather's Hank. Jesus Christ. What's Hank? He got root beer money? What is Hank's root beer?

Hank's root beer. It's like a Boylands. Listen, I like a good thing. There was a sneaker store by our house growing up was called Sneaky Pete's. That's where we always get our thing. And it was, the picture was like a little boy with a bowl haircut peeking out of a shoe, like a drawing. And then I went to summer camp one year

and they were like, that's a Sneaky Pete. That's like the kid whose dad owns the company. Like the Gerber baby. Right, it's Sneaky Pete. Sneaky Pete. Except with a meth problem. Mega, mega mentally retarded. They left that out of the picture, I'm sure.

He was like, I don't wanna say it was Down syndrome, it was something else. But it was like tongue hanging out of the mouth side. And that's why they always show his eyes peeking out of the shoe, like, hey, I'm hiding a shoe. Get out of the shoe, Pete. Pete, get your ass out of my shoes. Every day.

He used to eat the shoes. Oh dude, Sneaky Pete was a bowl haircuted, mentally challenged kid. So you're like, oh, Sneaky Pete. Probably never saw a diamond at money either. He's in a conservatorship until he's 90. Oh dude, the local kid, yeah, Sneaky Pete. Yeah, somebody told me they were related to Jerry's got a diamond in his beard. Ooh, Rockin' Robins.

Robins, Aethan Walnut. Yeah. What's that? That was a famous Philly commercial. Jewelry store. So Steven Singer says, his old ads at least, and some of the ones we had on Bonfire through the years, say on the other side of Aethan Walnut.

Because the other place called Robbins. Robbins Rocks. Yeah, it's like Robbins Rock, Robbins Rock and Robbins Rock, Rock. You can find the commercial, Christine. And he had a diamond, a full beard, had a diamond in his beard. If you got the long version of the commercial,

they go, Jerry's got a diamond in his beard. And then Jerry points and goes, lots of people think that's really weird. Rock and Robbins. Rock, Rock weird Rock and Robbins rock rock rock Robbins ain't the Walmart. So yeah, so Steven Singer says he's on the other corner of eighth and Walmart Which I assume is just the jewelry area Phil. Yeah, it's like the jewel diamond district I had to get hell ass and fill you back then Rob. Oh Jerry diamond in your ear Oh, how about the heater? How about the Gator Jerry Blavitt's been a fucking oldies hitter with the heater

greatest nickname of all time How about the Geter? How about the Geter Jerry Blavitt spinning the fucking oldies hits? The Geter with the heater? The Geter with the heater. Greatest nickname of all time. That's Bobby. Boston's gotta be filled with, take out the Steve Sweeney's of just local heroes that was just raining ass in them. From like, you know, the guy who ran like a mattress store. Yeah, sounds like those-

Or a dealership you always know. That's one of the questions we've been doing recently of who was the first famous person you met that necessarily wasn't famous, but in your world you're like, that's fucking Rockin' Robbins, that's it. Like who the guy that owns the bar, the guy that owns the whatever.

If you were a kid, who was the hot DJ when you were a kid? It was Mark Parento. Okay. And he got arrested for pedophilia. Nice, they all do. He picked up a kid in DC with a Sony PlayStation in his car. Jesus.

He's a cool little black kid. He got fuckin' sent to prison. Yeah, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do, right? Yeah, what are you gonna do? At least he got something. I never got to meet Uncle Eddie.

I would've loved that. Crazy Eddie? A lot of Spikers, my cousins. We talked about him I think last time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like an ATM machine for dirt bags in Philly. Yeah, you can sew him your underwear, your dirty underwear, take a piss or shoot a fire.

And give you a hundred bucks. In Boston, they have Jordan's Furniture, which is like a, it's a furniture store. It's a franchise now, I think. It's a franchise now, but back in the day, it was like you would go to Jordan's Furniture as a night out. But was the owner of that, like in the city,

like that's the owner of Jordan's house. It's like Big Marty's carpet, remember Big Marty's? Yes. Shout out to Big Marty. He had a ponytail. I remember that. You knew it was him because he had a ponytail with an elastic in it.

It was always wet. Ah. He was a ponytail. I hate that guy. A showroom back in the 80s could really get a dirtbag family out of the house. Oh, really? God, were you trying it all?

So many car dealerships that we went to on a Saturday with no intentions of buying. Just something to do. Just sit in the cars? Yeah, see the cars, get the free hot dog, anything. I just spin the wheel whenever I got there. If you get there early enough, you get to meet Mike Schmidt for an hour or something.

Mike Schmidt had a hoagie place in my hometown. Really? And we would go in and he'd be there like, it was empty all the time. Sometimes Mike Schmidt, he's like, ah, man, this business is eating me alive. I remember one time he was like, man, this business is eating a lot. I remember one time he was going over paperwork, not happy.

I was sitting with a huge plate of cheese fries and just being like, that guy is upset right now. Hey, Schmitty, give me five burgers to go. These portions are huge. You've gotta be losing your head. Your margins are off the charts. I still like a nice furniture store. Sure.

I'll go in and sit on the couch and, how much is this? Well, me and Christine were looking for furniture. One point I did enjoy. I do not mind walking around and taking a couple of loads off. I hate it. Because they're like hawks. And I can't lie. You know what I mean?

They're like, what are you in the mood for? What do you have? What do you have? I got no money. Now they show you like an I mean? They're like, what are you in the mood for? What do you have? I got no money! Now they show you like an iPad and you're like what the fuck? Let me just... I know, I didn't even forget the other things. I'm like, I just want to sit and see maybe this is the kind of thing one day But I'm just trying to kill the hours of the day, man I just want to sit and smell plastic for a little while I remember a family friend got the new new oven that was like the ceramic that wasn't the coils or the flames

It was like the ceramic time because he worked for Whirlpool man. They got that installed 50 of us went over Taking turns going it immediately gets cold again If somebody redid their kitchen it was like everybody was I was selling tickets everybody was over there I would do when you guys do the podcast. What's the most you mean? Are you garbage? Yeah? What's do you find like the Like what's the smallest thing you found is found as like a common thread behind it, because I know a lot of garbage people.

I bet like a lot of people have stories of like, I think if you have your, if your car lighter has ever shot out. Yeah, sure. You have to hold it in there. Sure. That was a bit, dude, when that thing would pop, ah man, your dad would freak out.

More people than you would realize have either stuck their finger in there when the lighter wasn't in there and it shocks the pop. Ah man, your dad would freak out. More people than you would realize have either stuck their finger in there when the lighter wasn't in there and it shocks the shit out of you, or they've been burned by the lighter. I remember I put it on my tongue for some reason and burned myself. I was that dumb.

Bad tongue, you give me so much trouble. God damn it taste buds. Yeah. It was the third day you had to blow your teacher and he told you both get in trouble if anyone found out. You deserve it you dirty little bitch. I be dazzled my tongue. Look at these rhinestones. You got arrows pointing to your mouth. The shitty vacation is a telltale sign of, even if your parents at some point started doing well, and they were the ones that got some money,

there was the early days where it was the driving to vacation. You know, some real shit beach town or some shit fucking amusement park. And the lengths that people would go. I hate to steal a chapter three of the Chronicles, but we definitely got to vacation at Baltimore. Baltimore, yeah, just like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

At the Hyatt or whatever. They're like, yeah. A non-destination. The vacation was that the hotel had room service, and my parents were like, I can't believe it. It goes, burgers, right to your room. Can we even room TV here They were like and they have movies there in the movie

They just came out of the movie theaters on the TV that you can rent and it was like they were so blown away Did they put you up there and then go out and have a night in the town where you were up there watching movies and shit I thought they left you in the room just to go walk around the mall It was attached to was a walking bridge to a mall. And I couldn't believe that. And we got together as that walking bridge. We got together as that walking bridge. That's a dirt bag for West Philly. And then you're like, a walking bridge.

Might as well have been in Star Trek, dude. That's crazy. If it has the glass cover on it, it did. It's like, where's the flying cars? It can't be. It's just Tomorrowland? You remember all the rides, though, as a kid, seemed like it was 17 hours, but now you do it now

It's like 45 minutes away 90 minutes Minutes is an eight-year-old road trip about Stopping 15 times there was no iPads. You just had to sit in the back at look at flowers on the fucking highway Cooler I think I think full-time cooler in a car I think I think Full-time cooler in a car. Mm-hmm. It's pretty fuck. That's right I think I didn't have that mice in my own family, but like my uncle Tommy was a cooler and by the way It was for beers

It was reaching bay wasn't like what is the course we have beers for when we go somewhere? But you know, I have my sodas and waters and stuff it goes Extremely exclusively MgD. Yeah, Trying to get a complete stint in there. I got my don't drink and drive talk while having a Rolling Rock in a cab of a pickup truck. He's like, yeah, you shouldn't drink and drive. I'm like, kind of like, I was like six, I'm like, like we're doing now?

He's like, I'm not drunk. I'm like, all right then. And these are cold, it's different psychologically. He's like, we worked all day, we were doing construction. I'm like, all right. That's also 99% of construction people that are having a beer on a Friday at 2 p.m. That's happening.

Yeah, yeah, no doubt. I remember the first car we got that had AC, we were flipping out that they rolled the windows up on the way to the, we were going to Hampton Beach, which was like 45 minutes away, and they got a Riviera, and they rolled the windows up, and we were like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, put the AC. And he hit a button, and it was like windows up. And we were like, what the fuck are you doing?

And he hit a button and it was like, oh my God. We're in the refrigerator. Bobby almost rolled out of the car. Trying to kill us. Boxed in, boxed in. Dude, I was telling them, we were driving down the shore, driving down to North Wildwood. I was probably 10, Weird Al had just dropped Amish Paradise.

Nice. And I thought it was the funniest coolest thing in the world that my sister Was 16 or 17 at the time and she had a car full of friends and I was like Let me wait till they I was I thought I was showing them Amish Paradise And I thought I was the coolest fat 10 year old I put it on and they were all like can we turn this off? Gonna close with 17-year-olds. Parody comedy, bro? Ganks' paradise wouldn't have got those girls impressed.

You are a loser, volume one. No girls ever go, oh my god, we have something to go. First of all, he's cute as hell. He's super into Yankovic. He's got his own place. He's got as hell, he's super into Yankovic. He's got his own place. He's got dirty underwear on. He stopped twice for Burger King. He's wearing pajamas, he's wearing underwear with characters on them and a t-shirt.

And his mom ties his belt. Hey, what's up? I'm BK Burglar, Bob Kelly, AKA The Rooster. I'm Big Jay Okerson. I only have one AKA. I'm a cowboy. Look, if you love the bonfire, which you know you do, this is just half of the show. That's right.

This is the podcast version, everybody. So if you want to hear the whole thing, go to Sirius xm.com slash bonfire to get the whole thing Yeah, you get tons of other entertainment, too It's not just us you got other shows that you can go to after you listen to our show You go to all kinds of other shows and you know what tell a friend, but most importantly this show Yeah, this show just go to the show do something resembling anything The thing with the when the AC hit and you were in the car that was great But about two seconds later once it got cold in there then the heaters would start up and you were smoked out in that thing

Oh, no windows open. Oh, it's the smoke in the car man Oh, yeah, smoke I can smell that air that freezing cold air with a little bit of heater and perfume They smoked in the car, but you'd roll the window down for the cigarette. Oh, never. Yeah, I always crack the window. Whether it was raining or whatever, window's going down. Same with me.

I'd rather just, I just know next time I get my car cleaned, make sure you wipe down the ledge there because it's got a lot of fucking dirty rain. Sure. I'll tell you what's one of the most infuriating things, though, is lighting a cigarette when it's raining. It's the worst. Doing this, no, I'm saying you're in the car you light it and then somewhere in your first one

Just God gives you that hilarious one big raindrops like try right on the cherry like damn Because I have learned this is a pretty trash but funny thing if your cigarette gets wet in the middle just keep smoking it Your cigarette gets wet in the middle, just keep smoking it. It'll dry out. The heat pulled through. It'll turn brown on it. It'll dry out. When it's all speck on it, you're like, you're like, Bad drywall.

You really feel like, yeah. But you really feel like, this is probably worse for me now. I don't know why it's showing you. It's like, never look at the back of the filter. You know, you're like, oh, yeah. That's one of the tips that we got. We were talking about wet cigs on one episode. And someone's like, yeah, you put them through the wash, whatever, fucking put one of the one of the tips that we got we were talking about wet cigs at all one episode And someone's like yeah, you put them through the wash whatever

Fucking put them in the microwave dries them out though. They will turn brown, but they're back smoking They so bad if you smoke a cigarette that was wet and then dried Oh, yeah hemmed up, but when you're in a bind you're gonna do that I've just smoked stale cigarettes to that they were sitting around I found the pack from like a long time ago And I'm out and I'm like oh there is sitting around. I found a pack from a long time ago and I'm out and I'm like, oh there is that pack that we found in my pocket a year ago

and then it's nasty. It's nasty. I'm all right with it. I don't care. Yeah, it is what it is. You still smoke too? Yeah. He's my last two friends in the world.

Aren't you guys running a marathon in there? Yeah, I smoked two halves today, all right? Get off my back, Bobby. It's a 5K, Bobby, it'll take 10 minutes. You should smoke while you walk. I mean, if I knew that you were doing this with Jelly Roll, I would sit and smoke cigarettes and weed and walk five miles.

Like how you added weed into that, too. Yeah. Well, I gotta enjoy myself. Also, I will have beers on the walk white laws to white claws less calories More athletic more athletic, but we'll have them in sports I'm not smoking though. I romanticize smoking a cigar two minutes ago cigars different. It is different It doesn't hurt doesn't hit like a cigarette. Do you take it? Do you do inhale it? No never no You'll fucking die you can't inhale a cigar you're a moron, but a cigarette. I miss having I miss having that pack

Sure, you know waking up going to the deli getting your shitty cup of coffee. You roll it up in the sleeve of your white t-shirt I'm a miss what the fuck the soldiers you and the other greaser's we're going out. I remember smoking on a plane That's crazy. Yeah, I remember is the ashtrays. I don't remember ever. I was 15 I fucking lit up on a plane. I asked the students for matches. She's like, oh you told us did you light it on her ass? So the captain if he needs any help up there I'm back here Hey, if you catch a little free time later in this flight just I got a blanket we can go under I smoked on an Amtrak once in New York City as soon as it got past a certain point going up to Buffalo It just the the the cart the food cart just turned smoking

Mm-hmm, and then everybody just piled up there and you could just smoke on the train. That was the shit That would be great. It's bad. I mean like, when you go out for cigs, it's just you at this point, probably. Maybe one or two, it's like, that's the real shitty party. You're at a club, you're like, oh, pop out for a cig, and then you're like, oh, it's just fuckin' me by myself right now. I said, Dave Attell has gauged 100% of his opening

like acts that he brings to the road, probably he will smoke cigarettes with him. I fully, fully believe that. Because like, Beck Young went with him for a while, and Mike Fennoy went with him for a while and stuff, and it didn't last as long. Then Ian kinda came in, because Ian's gonna stay up til four in the morning

and smoke cigarettes with him. Drinking coffee, smoking. He might suck your dick too. And then he also will suck your dick. Just sayin'. He'll play it. He also will put on a wig. If you're in a jam. I'm happy you dick too. And then he also will suck your dick. Just saying. He'll play it. He also will put on a wig.

If you're in a jam. I'm happy you guys are- Talking about a wet cigarette. I'm happy you guys are still here. I thought all the fucking, all my Philly buds were gonna fucking go to Austin. How have you not gotten the draw yet? You've been asked to go, right?

I assume a thousand times. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they buy you a house? We have, I mean, the studio is huge. We built, I mean, we signed that lease and everyone was like, go to Austin. You're like, I just fucking, I'm locked in here, man. You think you could have been convinced to go?

I don't think so. My wife doesn't wanna go. So it's like, you know, she moved here from Germany. I came to be like, hey, you just planted your fucking flag. Now let's move to another city for me. How about you, would you have done it? I couldn't move that far away from my family. Yeah. From my mom's shit. Yeah, I'm with you have done it? I couldn't move that far away from my family. Yeah.

From my mom and shit. Yeah, I'm with you. I'd do the same thing. If Rogan bought me a house, I'd move tomorrow. Sure, it looks awesome. It's funny shit, man. Get some serious, serious studios out there. If Rogan bought you a house?

If Rogan bought me and you a house? No, no, no. Give me a gig and then pay me whatever you're gonna give me for that gig and I'll say, at least I did the gig for it, I can't have a man buy me a house. Is this the one you want, Cupcake? Go and dance around in it a little bit. See how you like the acoustics.

I do like the hangs look like they're a great time. It's all my fucking boys are down there. It looks awesome. But like, I'm also a little older now. So like the smoking and the drink, like I'm happy that now my friends so like the smoking in the drink like I I'm happy that now my friends up here don't smoke and drink as much because I would just be out with the be out every now I'm like I find myself after even if I'm like 10 15 on I'm done spots And I'm like now like to start texting like my booze bag friends. Yeah

I mean, I'm just I'm chasing this fucking dragon. I'm so I was down there be over I'm struggling to watch like a show on Netflix past 11. Yeah. Yeah So I think I'm melatonin and get a nice night's sleep is happy with me I'm happy to be home by fucking midnight and not out fucking smoking and drinking like an idiot But the spots in the city have gotten lonelier over that we've noticed over the last I think it's not also we're older too, but like no it's it's they don't hang it just not that I remember hanging out So the birds werep. It's way Way lonelier are you saying out to like in the morning like I remember when I saw Godfrey hit a homeless person with his car

I was banging a chick across the street from the cellar and we were out smoking on her stoop And then it was like six in the morning and Godfrey was in his Honda Civic I went yo Godfrey, and he went, yo, and he just backed up and hit a homeless guy and he went, my bag. I don't know if there's even, I mean like weekly at the, when I was the thick of it, which I will say was kind of like the end of like

the table being the same people all the time and like the sort of transition. But when I was there like six, seven nights a week for those years, I mean, like, stuff happened there. Because there was so much going on. Just like big gaggles outside of comics doing like a thing, whether it be like harassing women and splitting into two sides and make everybody walk through. Everyone like bust balls of people on the street.

And just like stuff. And then, yeah, let's go play basketball at two in the morning. Yeah, we used to play in the projects. Remember we used to play in the projects at like two in the morning. I did 23rd Street. Until the kids from the projects came in one night

and they were like, hey, you wanna play? And we were like, we're just gonna, we're gonna go. Thanks for not killing us. Remember the time we got, when Norton used to come, we got him pom poms, a little cone to fuck him, because he never would play, he would just sit on the bench and watch us. That's awesome. Yeah, we used to walk, we got him pom poms, a little cone, because he never would play. We'd just sit on the bench and watch us. That's awesome.

Yeah, we used to walk by that all the time when we were climbing up in the village at the bar shows. Everybody'd be at the back table hanging out. You'd pop in, try to get in, you'd see you guys hanging out, stuff like that. Looked like funny shit. But then out front it was just comics, and you knew a bunch, like a zillion people

on that couple blocks, or even around the city and it's just like It's when I go I'm just like that. It's like I don't have any interest I'm like, let me do my spot and get out of it's just me smoking under an overhang looking for eye contact Yeah, it would be all we would be you'd all wind up back there Yeah at one point so it like, you know It'd be this group and then that group and then Patricia come in and it would be this all night thing And then we'd all wind up back at the cellar and we'd hang out there until the last show In fact, I'll bet that why it's not what we all we all weren't headliners at the point

We're all like everybody's working more we weren't headliners So then all of a sudden like we had to all go away for the weekend And then the weekend we weren't there and now they had to replace us and now, dude I think the Christmas party, I was sitting there with Keith and Voss and a dude walked in with a white leather jacket with 15 raccoon tails hanging off it and nobody said anything.

I was like, we were. I stand by my choice too. It's Gaultier. It's Gaultier. It's Gaultier. I showed up with. I was a genuine gopher I will I wore like fucking security guards sweatpants one night, and I burned them the next day sure you know this guy was just

Walking around white leather jacket with raccoon tails hanging off the back and people like hey, I love your jacket I was like me and keys like this goddamn mother. I can't say it Fucking crazy nobody nobody fucked with anybody nobody says anything to anybody. They actually have nice conversations No, but I also think I think probably more than ever and there's so many shows and so many comics there That's there's just not what it is. There's not lots of groups of friends working there Yeah, but you're like you're likely to go down there and not really know But again, I don't know they're more so maybe they are all groups of people. I'm just out of the loop. They're nicer to each other now because they were because they weren't well I said before because

Comedy particularly too is now an achievable It's thought process to get into exactly. It's a job doesn't have to you don't have to come from Shitty weird lifestyle or from shitty, weird lifestyle, or you know what I mean, or just like weird decisions or something that seemed to like draw you to it. It's a lot of people are like, I can scientifically do this now. There's a thing I can figure out with the internet

to make it work, if it's funny enough. When we started doing it, it was a job you shouldn't do. It was a job like, please, you should never fuckin' do this. And we were like, fuck it, I'm gonna do it. I think there's a thing too of like, you know, to get to the bubble popped in the sense of there's other ways in now. It's like, oh, I've, this guy got big on fucking Instagram

or TikTok or has a big podcast where before it was like everybody slugged it out at the clubs, at doing the check spots, doing the fucking late nights, all that kind of shit. And so everybody kind of knew everybody. And now it's like, oh, this guy never worked in any- Plus it any plus it was a hang the hang people always say how do you get in back then it was just hang out You got shows hanging and smoking cigs. Well, I think you also if you made another comic you felt like that The camaraderie immediately of like I know right busting it out doing slugs three in the morning

And when some people are like no no, I did TikTok for the, it's not that you don't like them or they're shitty people, you just don't have any kind of connection. It's a different life experience. You're like, oh, so, I don't know what to talk to you about. You didn't sleep on a park bench before your day job. Before we got here, we just did our first, like we cataloged on Patreon,

we cataloged our first three years in the village doing those bar shows. And it's like, you would leave the house at seven a.m. to go work a day job and then go down there and you were down there till 1 a.m. and then get on a train for it. But it was always like a group of like, when we came, the Boston crew came.

Then the Philly crew came. And it was like, let's like. Well that was kind of hard. Keith, what it is, and people brought in the people. Bobby would bring in like the Joe List and the blah blah blah and the guys that were coming from Boston. And then Keith brought in like me, Kurt. And blah blah blah and the guys that were coming from Boston right and then Keith brought In like like me Kurt and then I we kind of ushered through that like Becky own and the Rose and stuff

And yes, there's a gaggles of people coming from places. Well, that was like Chicago cruise Yeah, it was people that knew people it was like come on man Now you bring it was like Monroe and Derek kind of then were like are these guys was like Yeah, he thought should in our our wave too because he was friends with cotton's uncle or something like that So now Keith is ushering in a bunch of lesbians Keith turned into a fag hag. Oh No, you gotta hear stuff. It's really When we were in the village we were you that's what we did in Philly was just be ruthless to each other

And make fun of each other and when we would be able to poke our head in there like when they're trying to get FaceTime in front of you guys and we'd be like dancing monkeys in there We'd be in there trying to like make fun of each other in front of you I remember one time was like you boss Keith and somebody else were sitting there and it was basically like you were a little kid at Thanksgiving like get up and do something Yeah, make fun of what are you just looking? Yeah, if you were quiet just quiet hang in the back and I went Bob Bobby hit me with and what do you do? I was like, ah

One night we were in there we would hang out there once every couple of months like let's go in and get I fucking big J's They're fine, but like you would just try to go get some fucking face time and boss had known us from like Boston balls Uh-huh, and man there was a pack of like ten of us. They got a wounded boss by himself The worst thing I would always get He was getting it from every angle. And he's going, I'm still fighting, I'm still fighting. It was great. That's the worst thing I would always get. The young guys circle you? When they're young, the lions. I got that a couple of times.

And I could see it in your eyes. I'd be sitting there by myself eating falafel, and all of a sudden they'd come in, he's alone. Yeah, I was like, fucking make a move. Everybody's nagging. All of a sudden the suspenders weren't a good idea. My boss was hitting us, I never fell, I didn't fall. He's still standing on his two feet, I never fell. Because we brought it up to when he did our part, we brought it up, we're like, I don't know if you

remember, he goes, yeah I remember, he didn't get me, I still was fighting. I was gonna say, now that he does remember it, he thinks about it it every day That's a real like it's a real moment like a real crossroad his leg became to he goes maybe the old lion I remember one night the young badgers Keith Ralph front talking these two smoking hot Puerto Ricans and we look all of a sudden dove David off Artie Godfrey and Steve Byrne were just watching us talk to these young girls and me and Keith just slowly backed away And as we backed away, they just moved in and took them Some after hours place and me and kids just one got food. We were like goddamn dude, one of the funniest

shutdowns the Comedy Cellar was uh when the Rosa first started coming around and him and Steve Byrne would bullshit a bunch and hang out, and Steve had like two chicks or something, or there was two girls hanging out, and he was kinda like giving Joe, like hook up with this other one, like work on her, and they're all sitting at that back table talking, and Kurt, who's an artist, Kurt Metzger, who's also an artist, went to like art school and shit,

he goes over to the table where they're all at with these girls and everything. And he goes, hey, I wanna show you guys something. How easy it is to draw Joe DeRosa. It's just like two sacks. You know how someone shows you how to draw a face, like the circle and then the cross through it for the eyes. He just, it was so fast, he goes, it's just two sacks.

And it was a perfect picture of Joe, looking like so sloppy and gritty. Dude, Joe, I think Joe ripped it up. He left the table. He was so angry. Joe gets mad quick. Joe would get so, so angry. He's like, there's girls there, man! There's girls!

I'm sorry, it's just so easy to draw you. I'm just gonna say that. We never really knew DeRosa that well, but now it's like from doing like Hey Babe and stuff like that, we're closer with him. And man, he is the funnest just to go back and forth. Oh, yeah. He got me one time This is was years ago I was seeing us seeing a girl off and on in Philly and he was it was when he was like coming back or whatever and

She they stuck we were like all that week or whatever and he was there at the show and ended up like, you know She was like they started they were leaving together that week or whatever and he was there at the show and ended up like you know she was like they started they were leaving together and I was there and he didn't know and I was like kinda yeah. They were fucking my bra. They were leaving together. Joe's a piece of shit. He didn't know that I had just met him that night and I was running the show and he was like oh thanks for having me. Weren't you on stage? You were like bawling as you saw them walk out. So I was like hey man He's got her like under his is a great meeting you man. Thanks for having me Hi Jackson, are you stupid?

How could you do that? I had that with No, but the fact him not knowing you know body you're the greatest keys crew greatest guys He's leaving my gal. I was there with one out of the Boston and God for you. He's the greatest guy, he's leaving my gal. I was there one night at the Boston and Godfrey, he's the worst. The fucking worst. I mean, an Adonis. I came out, this guy, I showed up with this girl who fucking, I thought really liked me. Did you already hook up with her? Dude, we were like a couple.

And then I go on stage, I'll be right out. She was in the room, I come out, she's on stage, I'm seeing this girl, it's going really well. She left the room while I was on stage, went out with Godfrey, and I saw her giving her, giving him her number. As I walked out, I go, what the fuck? And I walked out and go, she's yours now, take her. I was like, goodbye, I walked away.

He's like, thank you, Bobby. He didn't give a fuck. I think that was happening anyway. Thank you, Bobby. I had to set up rules with Garfrey. I was like, listen, dude, this one's mine, the rest are yours. I kicked him under the table one night

because he fucking just started talking to the one I was. It's my wife, Garfrey, god damn. No, that's how I knew it was my wife. I brought it, Ardy and Garfrey were my chick test. I brought my wife down to the fucking cellar, sat him at the table. When we left, I go, what'd you think of those guys? She goes, fucking annoying.

I was like, you're the one. I love you. You're the one. I love you forever. I married her. Shot a load and I have a kid. Joe's got one of my favorites. Some girl he hooked up with in Philly.

But yeah, it was the girl yelling at him. Because he does well. She had a chest tattoo of some, it was very like, I don't know if she had a chest piercing too. Whatever it was, it just seemed very not Joe DeRosa to me. And when he told the story of, that's when the girl who, when he was fucking her goes, she goes, Joe, Joe, Joe.

And then when she came, she goes, Joe DeRosa is fucking me. Oh God. This sandwich king. Makes a hell of a sandwich. I can't believe Joe Theroux. What a low goal. I've happily before I. The laughter paid off. I don't want to move on without saying first to Kevin and H Foley are on the RU Garbage Through the Roof Tour which is going to be a town hall in New York City on Thursday May

9th. Get tickets at RUgarbage.com, spelled out RUgarbage.com. Get tickets for that, it is going to sell out. Thank you. Thank you. I just had people on my show this weekend, they said it was fucking amazing. Your show in Boston was awesome. Thank you.

They said it was unbelievable. I had one time I sent a girl away because I have so much sympathy for me. I had a lot of when I was younger, liked the girl, not so much thought she was with me, but I'm putting in the work of being nice guying to her and we're friends and talking on the phone maybe a little bit even, and then it's immediately

hooking up with one of your friends and you're like, uh-huh, I had plenty that so Steve is pretty cool so I remember there was a girl I met in Denver never hooked up with this girl at all but like she was like a podcaster but she did something when I did the press row for mayhem fest she was one of the people and like she was cute and she's like a horror something chick or whatever and then so she goes I'm coming to another show of this Festival in another city. I'm like, all right, she's I'm coming with a friend of mine. All right, and she said it was a guy

So I was like, oh, all right. Whatever I'll see you there. She brought this guy's big fat guy Clearly he is what she she didn't say all these things at first like he got them a limo To go to the thing and she just keeps saying it's her friend She introduces me to it is like as my friend so and so and then later when she's like He's just like still around and it's like I want to like go hang out with you and blah blah blah And you're just like no no no you should go back with it. I go. I've just been that it was all hit me I'm like I've been that guy so many times

I'm like I don't want to be this guy's like bo man in that sense, where he's like, oh great dude, and it's like, no, I felt it dude. I always wanted to go to the guy and go, I know what you're going, I don't think she's gonna hook up with you anyway, but finish your night off. Cause she's like, well he can just go back and I'll just get a cab or something.

It was just like, so like, she was ready to just go, it's like, no, I don't have to leave with him. I'm like, you do, you really do. The guy got a fucking limo for you. He's gotta stop somewhere, lady. A lonely ride in a limo. You're a goddamn hero. Just a fat lonely guy at a McDonald's late at night alone.

Oh yeah, aw. Like I felt so bad, like aw. Yeah, back in the day, dude, Godfrey, Artie. Sike, bite the girl quick in the bathroom. Get out of here. Get out of here. They used to fucking fuck, any girl you brought down they would try to fuck all the time

Shara to show I was gonna sure I was sure I would just try we just go up and grab her tit Trust on a company 1957 when abroad was still a dinghy broad This one Bob did a good job. Yeah sure I will fuck anybody I was with Charade tugged a tampon out of a girl Jesus Oh yeah you told me that That's terrible On stage?

No Talk about pulling strings We're in fucking Vegas Anybody here on the period? Anybody on the period? I gotta do a bit I can smell it someone is Someone lying Looks like I got the light so

Anybody here on the period real quick? I need somebody Somebody on the period I can smell it, someone is. Someone lying. Looks like I got the light, so anybody here in their period real quick? I need somebody, somebody with a period. We're in Vegas. Looks like I got the light. We hooked up with a flight attendant, and I took her back to my room, and she was like, I can't do anything.

She goes, I want to have food around, but I can't have sex. You pulled a flight attendant? I did. Off the plane? No, in the pool at the Hard Rock. Bobby pulled her, Godfrey knocked her not or sure hot knocked her down sure had hurt her I thought he pretended he was drowning he was he went like this she was standing there naked and she had the little thing she pointed to it and I was

a hey I was really on anything to do with that he tugged it out like an old lamp. He went, duk duk duk. Like threw it on my wall. Like he's in the attic. Yeah. Wacky wall. Did that, I think that was the gig that I never got to do. I was a bummer one that I missed that just for like, I would like to do it a couple times and get that fun. What was it, the Mad House? Beacher's Comedy Mad House. Beacher's Comedy Mad House was a thing out in Vegas

for a little bit. At the Hard Rock. It was a guy, he had shows here, and the problem was, when he was here in New York, I paid him no mind. You ever do that? You fucking discount the wrong guy for a little bit? I was like, who's this Beacher? This guy is fucking-

He did it at the supper club. It was this big, huge, all kinds of bullshit, like a circus event. But it was somewhere I was like, this is a fucking comedy and blah, blah. Then he got a deal with the Hard Rock, right? The Hard Rock in Vegas. And it became a place where it was like, Paris, at the time, where that, Paris Hilton and the Richie Girl and the Arquettes and everything,

it was a scene. And then, I mean, I heard by the end, this guy, before the bubble burst, which it burst somehow, I heard from several comics, you go there, it's like, oh, they'll just send you a hooker up to your, hey, you want a hooker before the show?

Like a hooker will just come up for you. I told you, the first time there. for free though. They're they take care of it My first night there Knocks on the door beautiful regular looking girl beautiful, you know dungarees. I don't need any Dungarees I don't need any other things dungarees yeah dungarees what is it called she was dragged by a horse dungaree jacket was it called jeans jeans just a regular chick I like them dungarees she was I thought she a fan. You know she goes hey Robert So she came in we're hanging out talking shooting the shit. She's like Bobby. You know these dungarees can block a bullet

Then we start she goes she put on music started dancing and then I started dancing with her Then we started making out okay, and then we went in the bed and we started dreaming No, I'm saying it sounds like, were you like, this is crazy, we're dancing? It was incredible. How high of a fever did you have? Then we're making out. And then we started.

What it would take for me to get up and dance with a girl in my life by myself? Sure. We started making out and then we started, I went down on her and I made her have an orgasm, I made her cum. You don't have to whisper. I know.

I'm trying to make it sexy. And then, uh. It's like a sleepover. And then I gave her part of myself. So I made her cum like twice, and she's like, let me get you, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, later, later. Because she was so hot, I liked her. I kind of liked her.

And I was like, come back later. She goes, all right, we'll hook up later. I'm like, yeah, we'll hook up later. Because the show was that night. We're gonna have this big thing. So then she left and I go, we'll meet you later at the show. But I was like, okay, cool, I'll see you at the show. And my phone rang, it was Beacher.

He goes, how was it? I go, what? I go, the girl. I go, oh dude, she was amazing, dude. I went down on her, she's gonna meet me later. He goes, you what? I went, I go, I made her come like three times. He's like, dude, you, that was a $500 hooker.

I go, what? He goes, you just, he goes, you weren't her first stop. Like, she just left my room. That wasn't her cumming, that was just other load coming out of her. I was like, eh. He just slapped up half a coin. Oh my God, you're cumming so much, lady.

I'm so fucking bad. Dr my god. You're coming so much lady Drown me That place was nuts this weekend. I'm in San Jose Bobby is in Sarasota Punch up dot live slash Robert Kelly big J comedy for tickets for me in San Jose and then this week everybody if you want To come see us go to serious XM calm a slash Netflix is a joke fest for full details and how to enter so you can come you know purchase necessary must be US resident 18 and over please You can come watch us live at Sirius XM Thursday It's gonna be a lot of fun

I'm all the way up