The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Mermaids with Johnny Pemberton

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Johnny Pemberton is a funny comedian who stars in the new movie "Mermaid." It's about a drug addict who discovers an injured mermaid and tries to nurse her back to health. This reminds Bobby of the time he threw his Iphone in the ocean. | They discuss actors and their process. In one movie, The Rock peed in a bottle between takes and made it someone's job to clean them up. | A video is played of a woman who eats her husband's ashes. Find Johnny on tour @johnny_pemberton on Instagram and Mermaid is currently streaming on Netflix! *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Crison and Robert Kelly. I love it. We're back. We're back. It's a great distance. Oh, shit. I'll hear myself. I do.

I love it. You love it. I love it. Our guest is here, everybody. He's got a new movie I'll call Mermaid in theaters right now. It is the hilarious Johnny Pemberton. Hi. Oh, shit.

I broke it. I broke it and I'm short forever. You have to get up and do it. Actually, I kind of like this height, but this is too close to the mic, right? Do you want us all down there? I'll come back up. Cool entrance, right? You know, we both, Johnny remembers meeting you a long time ago.

Yeah. To the Montreal Festival. Me and Johnny's history is we did a pilot together. One of the rare acting things that I've ever done. It was called Crazy House. Oh, my God, that's right. Jeff Tom Sick directed it. It was in New York.

And, yeah, you played a mental patient. Nick Turner and Whitmer. Whitmer. Yep. were the stars of it. And I was the, what's her name, was a big actress, Parker Posey. I was Parker Posey's like henchman,

like guard in the mental asylum. I like Parker Posey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's great. She's a dirty, dirty little girl. She was, you know what's funny? Because her characters are always, kind of like that. What's that mean?

What the hell does that mean, Bobby? Now that I think about it. She's dirty. She seemed pretty clean to me. Yeah. Not that dirty. Well, she was so, she was actually very approachable and, like, sweet.

And, like, everything she plays is usually kind of like a bitchy character, and she was also in that show, like a bitchy character. Yeah, she's very eccentric in all her roles are pretty crazy. I love. She gave me some lovely food recommendations? Dude, I was at Louis' party, and I looked down, and she was playing with Mac when he was a baby,

just tickling his feet, and I was like, that's Parker Posey playing with my kid. That's how it starts. I just let it happen. Now he's in the Hollywood machine, dude. I'm going to take him upstairs. Johnny's here promoting a new movie, The Mermaid. Or just Mermaid.

Or just Mermaid. Yeah. You can call it that if you want to, though. The trailer is... There's multiple, though. Bananas. Yeah, it's a wild movie. It's super wild.

It's really fun. Something for everybody. Right down to the reviews being from Tom Seguera. That was my choice. Holy shit, Tom Seguer. Tom Segar just said that one day. Your mom's house likes this movie. See who was at the screening we did at South By when it premiered.

So I think that was why... Oh, it's got words being coming out. Were you nervous, though, when you had... when you have to finally premiere the movie in front of it. You've seen it a million times. Oh, my God. There's so many variations of it. And now this is it, logged in, you've got to play it.

Were you nervous that they were going to be like, they're not laughing in the right places? I mean, it's excruciating. I left after about 20 minutes, I think. Because it's impossible. I think there's some people who can handle that, but anyone, you can't sit there. Because it's like that thing where, unless I had, like, a tunnel where no one can see me. Right. And I can't see anybody.

Can't hear anybody. I just can't handle. Yeah. Beautiful. There we go. Yeah, I can't handle it. Just because it's like, like you're saying, you question everything. Like, oh, why did I do that?

Why did I do that? You know? Yeah. So you left? I did. I think that's normal. We screened it. We screened it at this.

We had like a little premiere, Friends and Family Screening in L.A. about two or three weeks ago. And I sat through that one because I wanted to see it on this really nice theater, but it was excruciating. I was so exhausted after that because it was like this, the mental. energy of having to like oh all right but bobby can't relate

because everything he's in he stands in the theater under a wall light I actually stand up I stand in the middle of the screen and I just point out and go this is the good part oh who's this guy right here hey who's that

it's bouncing off your head we did uh the movie cheat me burr and de rose it's a small thing that was in Tribeca but we were sitting in the theater and you I just remember me like if they don't laugh this is going to be atrocious to have to walk out of here. But when you get that first laugh

where it's supposed to be, it all kind of goes away. Like, oh shit, they're liking this. And they actually usually like it way more than you would think they were going to like it. Yeah, also not, too. I was going to say, if they know you're there, for sure. That's what it is. Like, if they know you're there, it's like they want to try to like it more.

Or they laugh at stuff that is not funny. Right. I don't know. I just don't. I'm done with it. I'm done. I'm done watching with other people. Is it the closest to a project you ever been? I think so, yeah.

As far as like a big project. That's coming out, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I was, you know, I was there probably 24 of the 25 days we shot on that. Yeah, it was like really close. I mean, it's, I'm the lead of the film, so it's very important to me. Yeah, yeah. I love it. I think it's great, but it's also just, yeah, I just can't.

I'm done watching it with our people. Yeah. Now, you had a lot of people we know in it, too. Did you have to cast these people, or did you just give them the roles? We, I think some of them, we, I think, some of them. offers yeah like with Kevin Nealyn yeah that's what I was going to say you have a lot of comedy it's like it's for being such a dark seeming

movie it's a very a lot of comedy people yeah all those all those guys were so great though it's like these guys they're so good in roles where it's not like you're not required to be funny where the comedy is in like the situation or the just the way it's edited and stuff it's not like you have to be like joking and stuff and Kevin is so

funny in the movie he also plays like the nicest most normal guy in the whole film and who else Tom Arles in it and Kirk Fox, Kirk Fox is God he's so fucking funny. And Zach Alfenackis in it too, right? We lost him, yeah. He was on set for a couple days,

but we didn't get to him in time, so he's out. You cut him out of the movie. We cut him out of the movies. I don't like him anyways. I love Zach. That's great, though, that you get people that it must... It's nice when you go in

and you're working with people that you know and respect, but it sucks if you had to audition them and have to be like, yeah, you didn't get it, dude. I don't think with some of those guys, the parts would make sense to audition them,

because it's like, I don't know. I mean, I wasn't privy to that, but I'm pretty sure we offered all those rolls out, yeah. That's great. Yeah, what you're talking about being fucking pivoted out, that fucking sucks. Yeah, dude, I remember when we got pivoted out of, isn't romantic with Rebel Wilson?

Yeah, dude, I got pivoted out of a role. We talked about that, a role for, it was me. It was my name? Oh, my God. Yeah. Was it, Pete Holmes? No, it was the Dane Cook thing, where Dane Cook had his best friend, Bobby.

from Boston. Not that, Bobby. I didn't get it. Oh, that was a funny. It was supposed to be you, right? Yeah, it was all based around me. And they was like, yeah, we're going to go with the other guy. The smartest move I've seen with that was Pete Holmes when he did crashing.

That he, like, even when I read the party, he goes, I want you to read for this. And everything, I was like, this sounds like things I've said to Pete. Like, this seems like a situation, me and him were in at one point. And then when you go and you find out the names on the scripts they were sending out are fake, the original script had it like that was me and then finding out the people who didn't get their parts though was hilarious finding out that Kurt Metzger is being played by Greer Barnes

is one of the funniest things that switch doesn't make any sense he goes Greer's saying the Kurt things you can't real Kurt in long enough to do it that happens all the time though where they have like a real person who's being played by someone who's like more of just an actor actor I don't get it I don't get it why I mean I guess I kind of do

because comedians are kind of like sometimes it's you know you have to wake up early for you have to be there before noon yeah or it's just like a thing where well people who are actor they don't don't think complain about the thing like my complaint always when I was on Z rock is the only thing I was a schedule I had to get up every day for for however many weeks they shot the show and I mean I couldn't have been more vocal I'm the most polite and like just go with the flow non-confrontational you know that but after a week or so you're like why am I here at 530 in the morning and then we were taking like lunch

break before I've done anything that just seems crazy to me yeah and like that's call times I'm like that doesn't make sense to me I think there's a better way to do this I was a set butterfly I love you show up early I'd hang out with a key grip I go over the props I jump in the girls you guys want some they have a risotto on the uh over the crafty I can get you some you get it on the on the meals for the crew only I got yelled up for helping out the dude carry a box he's like yeah yeah local 26 local 26 no Yeah, exactly. You can't do that, Dub-Dub.

Yeah, you're getting trouble, man. You have to sign something. This movie, though, is so... I mean, dude, it's a movie about a mermaid. Like, that must be scary to come up with this and to think that this is going to work. Well, I didn't write it. Oh, you didn't write it?

No, the writer director is Tyler Kornack. Okay. He's brilliant. He did a movie before called But Boy. You've got seen that? Wait, I've seen that. Have you seen it? Yeah, Paco's dad was in it.

It is the best. worst title of all time because of like you're just saying. But it's a real movie. It's an indie movie. It's on Amazon. It's incredibly funny. It's like just truly. That's not a Tom Cruise flick?

There's nothing about it that would suggest the things that you want to say about it. It's actually like a kind of like a thriller, sci-fi movie. Super Dark, very funny. That's how I. Cruz might be in part two, the reckoning. Yeah. But boy, too, the reckoning. But boy, the prolapse.

The prolapse. The prolapse. That's three. That's part three. Wet sock. You gotta make sure they're into it by then before you start naming like that. The only way to get in is to get out.

The prolapse. Do you, in doing stand-up and acting, do you, I've talked to Soter about this. I'm Bobby too. Like, you do have to love, like, I don't do it much because I don't, I don't know what to do it myself in the sitting around trailer,

kind of like, but some people really like it. Like some people are there, happy to be there and when it's over, they go home. I'm like, by the end of any day I've been filming anything. I'm like, they couldn't possibly need me for anything else. I actually carry a script around that's not real,

and I go, I'm just working on this. It's my thing. I'm running lines with God. They just run them to death. That's what's his name? What's the famous British actor? You know, people... Tom Hardy.

Tom Hardy. The guy everyone does impressions of, you know, he has the acting class. Michael, hello. My name is Michael Kane. Michael Kane. Michael Kane always says that if you're waiting around

and you're reading, you're not doing your job, right? Because you should be running your lines like, you know, just like crazy. But I mean, he's, kind of right though. I go to the James Franco School of Acting. Just take acting classes and crush pussy, dude.

I'm going to need to eat you out again. I'm sorry, but I can't. That's the worst James Franco impression. I thought it was spot on. I thought he was here. I thought on. I thought Dan was back on the show. I don't know if that's okay. Was there a lot of improv on

the set? Or did you have, was the guy like read my lines or was it, could you fuck around a little bit? I mean, it was super collaborative because Tyler and I worked together on the character developing it like a lot before we shot. So yeah, a lot of improvising. And I mean, it's just everything.

I was working every day, long hours. It was just, you know, it was a long, hard movie to shoot in Florida and the summer, I guess late summer. But yeah, I mean, it was kind of everything, definitely. It was one of those things where I felt like really, at the end of it, I was so into the character. I kind of couldn't get out of it, actually. It's kind of stuck in it a little bit.

Really? Yeah. Like my stupid wife's not a mermaid. Sucks. Yeah. Exactly. Fuck. You're taking baths all the time?

More just like, I don't even know how to describe it. It's like, it's not that interesting really. It's more just, you know how, you know how, like Tom Cruise has become Captain Jack Sparrow? Like, he's basically that guy. You mean, not Tom Cruise. Johnny Debt. Johnny Debt. What the fuck?

Because I don't, if Tom Cruise did it, it'd be fucking wild. That's a real heavy, yeah. It's a really turned on a. I felt Jay's eyebrows go up, what? I just crossed those in my mind. Yeah, how Johnny Depp has kind of become that. Yeah. Because it's like he's like an empty vessel and now he's more comfortable.

He's not really a person. He didn't have like a personality and now he found, oh, I'm going to be this guy. It feels good just to wear that guy. They said that happened to the entire cast of Sons of Anarchy. Really? It makes sense, though. Everybody walked those sons of Anarchy like, yo, dude, we are awesome bikers. Yeah.

I'm not saying, in Austin Butler, can he not stop talking like Elvis? Yeah, for a long time. But how much could a regular person deal with that before he comes over and goes, hey, man, you want to order a pizza? I go, dude, I can't. You can stop this. I know you can stop this. Hey, man, don't ship up a business.

Stop one. What's my word, man? You bumming me out, man. Oh, yeah, I mean, yeah, actor type's got to be tough. By the way, until you said he taught a school, you're like, who's the British actor, everybody has impressions of? And he has a school, and I was thinking Jason Statham before you said school. I'm like, could you imagine if he taught us school?

This is how you smash your head into the fucking window. Everyone's shown me your I ain't taking this shit face. He plays the same character in everything. It's always just the same guy. And it always starts with the something, the occupation.

Why, you've got to be mean to an old lady like that. Yeah. I know you thought I was just a lonely old house painter. I like tea. Because I surprise you. Leave my bees. alone. That movie is ridiculous.

What the bee-hive? The beekeeper? Just so like everything's over the top, just, oh my God. It was nuts. Did you see it? What? The beekeeper?

No, I didn't know. They shot it in four days. Really? No. Might as well, though. I believe it. They just overlaid different clothes on a different movie he did.

He's just the same guy with all the same assassination skills, but he takes care of bees for this older black senator. Yeah, yes, do other jobs. in a while. You gotta make honey. Sure, I am a deadly, highly trained assassin, but I also like gardening.

I'm just a surprise you. I like gardening. Oh, is that the big surprise? He was in the, right? He's one of the, they say they that ruin the Fast and Furious franchise. Ruined? Yeah, the Hobbs and Shaw. You can't ruin. That's like ruining a diamond.

When I was getting my, when I was getting my nails done today, I was watching a video called the surprising downfall of the rock. That's how they frame. He fell so far. He's just, his career's over. He's fallen so far.

Man. I love when they have like videos like that where it's like, what happened to the rock? It's like, nothing. They always have a photo of him looking like he has age. You're like, what happened? Do you get AIDS? Well, there was that one picture he does look he has AIDS. But more, though, would they expose, what I, it seems to be true from his own filming mistakes on his, like, social media,

is that this guy really loves pissing and water bottles and leaving them around. The rock. Yeah. And having other people deal with them. Are you serious? Yeah. If you were complaining that they were like the thing on the movie sets is that I think it was that movie Red One he did where he's Santa.

I think it was funny when the energy of the movie is supposed to be like a Christmas romp. And then he said he wouldn't leave set so he would just piss and like Voss Water. First of all, Voss Waterbill's, talk about it. That is a dead on stream. That's a narrow top. But it's not for me. It is long, though. A whole lot of piss for sure.

And it is clear too. It is clear. My ding fin's right in it. So, no problem. You slide it in the tube? No problem. Half of it's not pissed. That says that there's a PA that has to, his job or her job was to empty rocks pee bottles out.

If you can get your dick out, pissing in a bottle versus hitting somewhere where you can piss privately isn't ruining the time. As a filmmaker yourself, John, you'd have to agree with that, right? I've taken shits on set. Oh, my God. Your commitment to the role. Took a shit in the desert in Utah during fallout. Oh, so I was going to guess during fallout. So I didn't shit in a bottle.

He just went, wait a minute, he just went. All makeup, full makeup? Oh, this was season one, so before the makeup, yeah. Were you in the robot? No, no, no, I was just in, like, you know, regular costume. Someone's got to paint that or AI, a fallout robot. Were you in the robot? With the squatty potty, though?

It was quite reading lines, reading script. But then, yeah, they were saying, like, people were complaining on the set of the movies. He's like, yeah, and he has, like, his people or, like, PAs have to come, like, pick up these piss bottles, which, by the way, would make me throw up if I had to do that. I had to hold his dick once. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm sorry.

What? I had to hold the Rock's penis on it. Really? Allegedly I had to do that. Okay. Allegedly. That's how I got this. That's how you sell a movie sell. Allegedly, he was the Rock's piss handler.

He held his penis, which is, he's why he's called the Rock. It's a very heavy. Oh, yeah. I bet it's heavy. I bet it's heavy as shit. But then they showed some. video in the downfall of the rock video that I was watching which

to your you are correct not quite much of a downfall no they're like he can't even wrestle oh the other thing that's funny is he has a clause in his movie that caused a problem on Hobbs and Shaw is that him and Jason Statham both have clauses that they can't get hurt

or lose a fight ever but both of them had that and they ended the fight well it is a thing though if I saw the Rock lose to Jason Statham, I'd be like, oh shit, Bobby, you're not going to become friends of the rock. You don't have to do this every time. We don't know that.

We start trashing the rock and you start jumping on board with them. Because you don't know that. We come from the same bloodline. What? What's that? I don't know. Samoan, I think of my face. Half Samoan?

I have beautiful skin. It came from somewhere. From Mesopotamia 10,000 years ago. Yeah. I also descend from the same people who left the Riff Valley. 50,000 years ago. The Rift Valley. I knew we were in tribal royalty.

I knew we. I felt that feeling. But there's a video of the rock who's working out in a video, one of his workout videos. Yeah, clanging and banging and banged. He's clanging and bang. And then he just pans up from like whatever he's filming. And you see there's like a bottle.

Yeah. A yellow bottle. He goes, hey, everyone, just, you know, getting up early, hitting the gym hard. He goes, oh, I just realized if you were watching that, that you just saw my bottle of pee. But that's because I don't have time to go pee when you're training. I just got to go and just.

just get back to training. It sounds to make you like pulling your dick out a lot. Well, here's the thing, too, is you spend, he travels with this, the, it's called the Iron Paradise. He travels with this gym. It's a tent that goes up with all the gym equipment. They have to fly it in on a plane and then set up the whole gym. And if you have that much money, you could put a bathroom somewhere. Yes.

You know what I mean? You don't have to piss into a nowgene bottle and have some poor fucking asshole carry that out. Have someone fly over a porta potty. I mean, there's definitely ways to handle this that are just pissing. on set and being like, PA, if I've picked up a bottle of someone's warm piss, piss, or I've had to do this one, Shane would come over when he was before Zins and he was just doing actual pouches and someone leaves your house and leaves a half full thing of spit. To pick that up and throw it out, it makes me, like, wretch.

Yeah, because it's spit. It's spit with, like, brown shit in it. It's disgusting. I'd rather pick up pee and drink it. What? I don't know what I just said. You don't have to drink it. I thought that was in the Rock's contract.

You had a drinking it. It might be. It might be. Jason Statham has to drink it. This guy's got crazy fucking things in his contract. Can you taste? Bringing your whole gym with these pretty fucking wild. Did you see Smashing Machine?

Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty cool. It was all right. It was, uh, well, kind of didn't finish the story. Well, because he's, he's kind of still around the guy. Yeah. And, uh, he's doing all right.

But it also, it was like, it seemed like they wanted to make it a longer movie that was cut down because, like, it's, when movies happen where like the biggest thing in their life is resolved very quickly it seems like he's like I have a heroin problem they go get off of it he goes all right he just kind of did there was really not much turmoil getting through it yeah I felt like a documentary kind of there is a great documentary about him you're a big wrestling guy right called the smashing machine oh that's the same name yeah yeah it's the same thing it's actually a it's uh it's uh it's with him it's actually a pretty good documentary about it's scary that's probably a scary thing to make a film out of is a good documentary footage because it's hard to

if a documentary nails it good and I saw that happen once I auditioned actually for a part in a movie adaptation of a documentary called what the fuck we talked about it a million years ago it was something about it's a Nazi guy like a white supremac guy getting his tattoos removed

and he's covered head to toe and he's getting his tattoos removed completely and he's telling his story of how he got out of it's almost like American History X and like a real thing and he met this girl and the girl was kind of like, was still hanging out with him, even though he's involved in that, but she was just like, what are you doing?

Like, this is kind of stupid, and then it just turned his life around and got himself, like, kind of together. And he's telling that story. Then they made a movie of that story, and it's just like, when I saw it when it came out, I was like, yeah, just not as good. I mean, it was a fine movie,

but it didn't, like, the fact that seems like a true story, like, didn't seem like it. Arracing hate. Erasing hate. A racing hate. No, that was a great one, too, though. I like watching white supremac's documentaries. White right was great

That's weird Why? I really Well the one got me The white right one got me Because that was my introduction To Richard Spencer Who is the

Let's Separate all the races But clearly a gay gentleman So clearly And even this documentary particularly He's talking about He goes We just got to get rid of like The black people

Just in a different place than us And they're just like Passed out like 17 year old boys and suits Like behind him like Holding Brandy glasses We have to get rid of the black people But not that one

Keep that one. Anything not to come up. Well, they ask him that one of this documentaries, they say to him, and go, hey, in this ethic, because it's like, you tell the documentarian knew, or feels that same way. So it was like, hey, in this, you know, white ethno state, like, is there going to be gay people that? He goes, sure, as long as they're white. He has standards, Jay. Yeah. He goes, no blacks, but for different reasons.

Ouch, am I right? Maybe there's some exceptions. We could probably make an exception. It was a studio 54. All right, next in the white ethno state. This creamy son of a bitch over here, get in here. No uncircumcised. Yeah, or the turnaround stories are always great in those documentaries.

There was a ginger kid in that one too that was like his party time was on Passover. He goes around. They show him in his house filling Ziploc bags with rice and anti-Jew propaganda. So we can go like junk it. In a Jewish neighborhood, people's like steps like he's delivering new. newspapers and then now he's like belongs to a black church it's like though the turnaround's always like there's like an overcorrection always

too much like I don't know if you have to go to black church but you know I get your point that's the only way out of it is black church yeah so much fun too I mean it's like that's where you should start it yeah yeah just go right to black church you realize how fun they are the mermaid we don't in the trailer you don't see the mermaid I think you do kind of I don't know which trailer you saw

but I think you kind of see a glimmer but we don't like yeah in the tub Is it somebody we know? Is the actress? No. It's actually, it's a creature. It's nasty.

It's like a scary. Oh. It's not a pretty mermaid. So you don't fall in love with it? Well, I think there's like an infatuation. There's definitely like a something going on there, but something like a, it's not something something you'd fall in love with. Bobby's very superficial.

He's all looks. I mean, I just thought maybe. You can be deeper than that, dude. I mean, look, you can love an other mermaid. You definitely can't. I mean, you can love with a fence. People think. True.

Can you? There's some documentary from years ago about people. who are objective fetishists. And obviously these people are severely traumatized, but this one woman is in love with a fence. She's like fucking the fence. Is it a white picket fence? I know the lady. I think it was kind of a white picket fence.

She's a racist. At least there's a physical thing she could fuck. How about when the girl who's like married to a ghost, remember we had that story a while back? She's like super into a ghost and they have sex all the time. And she's like faithful. Yeah, she gets mad at other people. When they stop her on the street, you go,

hey miss I like your shoes excuse me can't you see my boyfriend standing next to me what happened to her you know I was always always think about like what happened those people something must have happened really bad when she dies she gets to meet her boyfriend I always think it with like the My Strange Addiction

stuff oh my god yeah but then I think like again it bums me out like how much of it's fake I think a bunch of it's fake because there was a girl on there she was a comic and it was like she's addicted to ventriloquism and you're like this is just a doofy, like, open-mic chick that was doing, like, I just saw her around at times.

I'm like, oh, this is fake. You want to make 500 bucks? But, I mean, they did show the lady eating. Catholic? No, eating, like, the ashes of her boyfriend and getting bummed out that she was getting towards the end of the urn. Oh, you got to bring that up. Now, I believe it because she looks like a woman who,

that was probably going to be the only guy. So you might just keep eating his ashes. I don't think there's going to be a next guy. How about the cum face cream lady? What's that? The lady who puts her husband's cum on her face, like serum, like face serum? That works.

Well, she's like addicted to it. She has him produce every day for her. Nice. And it's just, that feels fake to me. It feels like they got paid. Probably. Because it's like a joke to them. My wife would only be able to put it under her eyes.

Here she goes. Look at it. Does she eat in her husband's ashes? Oh my God. She has a bag. Does she go straight? But here's the thing. She actually has the box that, oh, the box that they give you the urns in

because I have my dogs and they give you that box in the bag and it comes in that bag and it's, oh, she likes it though. Oh, she shows you, when they cremate, there's like kind of some pieces of bone in there and stuff. Oh, yeah, some clunkers. Routing around, yeah. To be fair.

A couple of chunks. It's like we're trying to get Parmesan cheese out. And sometimes it sticks together, you gotta bust that ball up. To be fair, we don't know what does ashes taste like. Horrible. Well, you have a taste like, well done pizza, you know? Yeah.

I'm gonna hope he's a black guy who died from diabetes, so it's sweet at least, you know what I mean? Take a little bit of that sting off. He is black. Oh, my God, he's very black. So, you know, that means the juice is sweet. The berry couldn't be darker, so the juice must be so sweet. You'll notice, Johnny, I aim all of my racial jokes at Black Lou for acceptance.

As long as he said it's okay, I keep going. Eventually, he'll give me one of these. He'll go, and I go, that's right. You know, there's people that think mermaids are real. I think there's people that think, you know, everything's real. They actually have... You're looking at one right here. This guy's the sap of the ear.

I've gone down the rabbit hole of mermaids. Yeah. And they have like guys out on boats and they hear the screams of mermaids. With the siren, the siren call. Yeah, stuff like that. The fishermen are out in the way out in the ocean and they hear the siren call. And they actually, there's video of people finding a mermaid up on the beach and stuff. So there's people that actually think that.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Mermaids are a real thing. They used to think that manatees were mermaids. Fat ones? Yeah. It's not a fish. It's like a mammal, right?

The manatee? They're ghetto mermaids. They're baddies. They've got fat asses. It's just because fishermen get so horny. You're out there for a fucking months at a time. So you see that, you're like, oh, my God, look how beautiful it is. Yeah, it's a princess of the ocean.

Look at that right there. Look at that. Smooth. If you've had enough Coors lights out on the ocean for a couple weeks, that's going to fuck that. I see, it looks like me three years ago. Pushing for the pushing. Bobby, it looks disturbingly like you three years ago. Until you said that, I wouldn't have that.

I have video of me scuba diving. I look exactly like that. Do you have video of you scuba diving? Oh, I bet that's hilarious. Oh, yeah, remember when you had your underwater camera? Yeah. And then destroyed your phone. God, that was funny.

Where did you dive? No, he's talking about... No, he was... When I got the new iPhone... Is it the impractal Joker's cruise ship? Impractal Joker's cruise ship, and I got the new iPhone and it said it was... Waterproof? It says water-resistant.

It says water-resistant. So he did, so the first thing he did was he took a couple. I did a flip underwater. He took a video of it. Yeah. And he pulled it up and we watched it on his phone. He goes, see, it's fine. I go, I wouldn't keep doing that, dude.

He seems like a bad idea. And then he goes, dude, it says it's waterproof to whatever. Right in the front, waterproof. And he goes, and we went, and then actually evolved, Nate Bargatsy, just out of nowhere, goes, put your money where your mouth is. And Bobby went, oops. Like, dropped it into the, Christine dove for it, like it was money. I don't even know why. But she dove hard for it.

She was so, oh, I know why. because earlier on the cruise, Christine was on the top deck and she was talking and doing this with her phone and then she just got to watch it bounce down the side of the cruise ship into the ocean. So she saw somebody else losing their phone again and she dove hard for her. Like a mermaid.

Did you get it? I got his phone. My phone was destroyed. It didn't bounce on it. I just threw it gracefully into the ocean. Like deep ocean. Yeah. A guy saw it goes, it went in.

It went in. I was like, okay. Oh, but it was like bouncing down the side of the... Yeah, neither to say iPhones are not waterproof. Are they now? They're now. No, no, they're not. I'm pretty sure they are.

You know, Bobby's only one way to text, dude? Shub that thing in a body brain coffee. Yeah, they're definitely... Let me just check here real quick. Let me see. Yeah, they're after they're waterproof now. They're just saw. They're good.

They're totally waterproof now. You should do it. I'd say try it again, dude. You have the newest one. That's the 17, right? This is the newest one. Oh, you're gold. Is it orange?

I'll wave... Yeah. No, it's the orange ones are waterproof. The purple one is just resisted. Those are you too. Those are utility ones. Yeah, no, I'm not going to do it on this one. Orange ones, up to 100 meters.

Bobby spent the rest of the cruise. Literally, having to leave everything once in a while to go check his rice bowl of phone. Which doesn't work, by the way, though. That's some bullshit. Not when the ocean saltwater is it. Your whole idea was crazy. Well, they should have. It's water resistant, not sea resistant.

I actually watch. I watched a video where a guy put it in water. It's this ocean! You watched a video where a thing that was different than what happened, happened? I watched a video where it says, finally, the new iPhone is water, probably said resistant. But you're not supposed to, you know, I literally threw it over my shoulder into the ocean. Not even thinking that once you throw something into the ocean, it's hard to find.

Thank God Mermaid Christine was there and dove for it and found it. The fun of being a believer is you get to be so excited when someone has proved wrong. It's a fun thing. Like, I never believed in the Loch Ness Monster. So when they were like, they're looking now, they think it's actually a whale flipping over. It's whale dick. It looks just like that. A dick?

Yeah, that made sense. But you, that was like wondrous to you. You're like, there's not a monster? It's just whale dicks? No. No, what do you talk about the, the, I never believed in the Loch Ness Monster? You believe in aliens constantly? First of me, it's Nessie.

That's not the lock That's so bullshit No I never know You believe you see a bog monster Every year in New Hampshire The ocean is so big And so fucked up That they are finding weird shit

At the Marianna Trench And stuff They're finding creatures that they didn't even know Existed Not to say that there's mermaids But it's it's You know It's fun that you guys didn't do

The Splash version of this Yeah it wasn't gonna be that because you don't really see it. I'm glad that it's not some hot chick with nice dits. It's in your tub. Because that would be, of course, I'd go get buckets of water and throw it on that too. But it actually looks like what a mermaid would look like. Yeah, it's a creature, nasty creature.

And the guy I play, he's addicted to percissette. So it's also, you know, he's in a rough place as well. He's kind of under water. But he's feeling nice a couple hours a day. It's feeling pretty good. And you got a family in it too, right? right? Yeah, I have an ex and a kid. And your kid knows that you have a mermaid? Do they No, that's not really, they're not really that part of the movie really, you know. It's more like he's like,

he's like a loser guy who, um, he, he had a kid the first time he had sex. So he's like, it's the worst possible scenario. The first time he ever had sex, he got a girl pregnant and they never got married and she's with Kevin Newman's character. Jacob's hoping for that, by the way. One of our producers is hoping for that. First time pregnancy? Yeah, my first time. sex first-time pregnancy yeah that's that's the best you cross it off the list you never have to touch a woman again that's great do you have kids in real life no no kids no kids just a dog it's like a kid i saw your dog is very cute yeah she's super cute yeah she's like too cute that's the problem though it's like you know the dog can get away with anything she wants because it's so yeah just ridiculous

i'm a new dog owner myself well four years now we've had a dog and like it is pretty interesting but i saw i got jealous when i saw your pictures of your dog big dog too you've got it over his shoulders wearing like a scarf and the dogs are so calm my dog would fucking claw my face off really yeah not she's a sweet dog that would just be like so out of her wheel i was like what the fuck are we doing you gotta go slow yeah and make him relaxed you see the lady at the airport was trying to wear her cat as a hat to get she was trying to travel with her cat and i guess trained it to just sit on her head like a hat and she was trying to get through tsa and at one point she just adjusted her cat hat and put it

put it on her head she was just walking through the airport with this it looked like a fucking hat it looked like a hat I'm surprised she didn't get by

yeah but she yeah she tried to get through United States yeah this United States yeah this is United States for sure absolutely

it's so crazy that she taught the cat just to hold onto her head the cat doesn't move it'd be cool this was someone famous yeah well it might be

it could be a WMB star we just have no idea it could be the leading score in the WNBA all I know is it's not Caitlin Clark outside of that say a name maybe that's in the trailer in the show huh that's in the trailer

when they show of you guys can't really see we can't see what is it oh the lights are off we're doing a viewing what is this of Christine that's the mermaid is this the short trailer you really yeah you really can't see it two minutes or 30 seconds let me see no two minutes Okay, yeah, 32.

It's shot really beautiful, man. Yeah, it's very, our DP is incredible. Joel. Yeah, let's show up to Joel Avoid. Joel of old, incredible DP. Yeah, Robert Patrick's in it, too. Robert Patrick is amazing. Yeah, it's fucking Terminator 2, dude.

Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of stars in this, a lot of people that you recognize. Yeah, he's so great. He's such a, man, he's intense guy, but man, he's just so talented. He's such a great actor. He's like so incredibly present that it's uh he's great and uh he's in peacemaker oh my gosh it's so funny it's the

best comedy on tv that show is so funny it's shit in there where i'm like how does this possible it's like straight man and comic you know like those scenes of steve agy and uh and um tim meadows that was what was some of the best uh comedy writing in the thing what was the line what did you say when they're walking out of the fucking place i know you're talking about i i forget We were quoting it forever. I can't remember it. He said he snaps in him or something. I forget it too.

Tim Meadows is awesome in that. Oh, it's the eagle? Yeah. He's like, why, to make fun of my fucking bird blindness. My bird blindness, yeah. But he can't tell what size it is. Is that what the worst? He just can't tell what a bird.

He thinks everything's an eagle. It's so funny. It's funny because that movie came from the actual big movie that he was in. Oh, Suicide Squad. Suicide Squad, which he was great in, but he wasn't. So when I watched that and it was that fucking ridiculously funny, I was shocked how great scene it was in it and how great the comedy writing was in it. It sucks having to admit that people of great actors.

Bugs me. Oh, you're a great actor. I've had to do it last night with a, I watched the new Euphoria episode at Sidney Sweeney because how much I can't yell from the rooftops enough, she's hot, but I do not get what this, I mean, the holy shit non-stop. thing about her particularly is. However, she's so sexualized, and yet she's actually a really good actress.

She's good and everything I've seen her in. She's in Handmaid's Tale, she was great. But, I mean, she has been boiled down to a fucking fat bear it's publicly. I mean, that's all they make her. Her whole character is just... What is that movie she did with, where she's like the housemaid?

I think it's what's called. Housemaid, yeah, yeah. See the trailer for that? Uh-uh. It's just so funny because it's like, oh, she's so ugly. Look at this housemael we got. Oh, my God.

She's wearing glasses. Look at her. She's just ugly. She's such an ugly, normal-looking woman. And then she shows up and it's like, tits. Yes, it's it. The father's like, oh, no. That was the classic, what was that,

not another teen movie? The screw thing where it was like, the glasses. The girl's like, oh, no way, we can't make this girl Prong Queen. Look at ponytail glasses over. She's just clearly a super hot chick. He's like, no way, dude, not fair.

I can't make that all the time. It's been going on forever. Just the idea we're like, you know, we're going to take, you know where there's a hot girl, but in this she's not going to be hot. You're not going to recognize her because she's so plain looking. They only did, they pulled it

off one time with that serial killer movie with which. Which? With Theron, what's her name? Oh, Monster. Monster. They pulled it off because she looked like garbage in that. They made her look pretty fucking disgusting in that. Still looks pretty good though.

In that? Whoa. I don't know. What's her name? I mean, this is a she's all that. I think Charlie Staron is kind of a Yeah, she's all that. He goes, how do we take this absolute pig and make her... Absolute pig. Stop looking at me.

I can't stand it. I want to make this slob of prom queen? It's impossible. Just clean her up a little. You're out in L.A. Have you ever been... Have you ever gone to Coachella? No, I can't do that.

I'll never do that. That is like the opposite for me. It looks unpleasant in the audience. I used to go to festivals a lot when I was a lot younger. I just remember one time I had a backpack. And it got stepped on like 17 times. Like, fuck this. I'm never going to one of these piece of shit festivals again.

I used to see fish live and stuff, you know? Oh, yeah. Like, yeah, once you hit a certain age, if you go to those things, it's just so incredibly exhausting. I don't know how you can possibly want to do that. Well, to me, it's now, I'd go to any of that stuff, like access. We've had comedy access to like Bonnaroo. That was great.

Yeah, that was good. You and I were like, hey, man, we're going to walk out into 100,000 people on mushrooms. Yeah. And you want to come? I was like, I'm good. My plantifaceitis was hurting so bad.

I was like, I just want to go back to the room and take my shoes off. Oh, we got a wrap, Blue? We hit it hard that fast? Oh, my Lord. Mermaid! Currently in theaters.

Go check it out. Check it on Florida, too. In Florida? We're touring it in Florida starting from the 17th to 21st. Oh, nice. Are you doing the Q&A and stuff after?

Q&A after every showing, yeah. Oh, that's great, man. It looks. It looks like an awesome movie. Super fun. I love it. It looks like a really interesting, awesome movie. I'm excited for us.

Good to see you, man. Likewise. I hope you get to see you again real soon. Yeah. Good to see you. You can be back out in L.A. for Netflix Fest? I will. Yeah, I'm probably coming back here, maybe in June, I think.

I don't know. We'll see. Nice. Well, good. We'll get to see you again real soon, man. Make sure you check out the movie mermaid in theaters right now or coming to one near you very soon. Make sure you check out Bobby every Tuesday night, Fat Black Pussy Cat Lounge at the Comedy Cell or his YouTube page,

Robert Kelly Comedy. Just go to Punch Up. and go to punch up for all of his tickets. Check me out this week. We got Story Wars in Nashville, Nashville Comedy Fest, and then I'm going to be in Kansas City. At the Funny Bone, get tickets, bigjcom. We'll catch you guys tomorrow.

Tomorrow. Until then, peace.