The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Milking with Colin Quinn

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

Jay is in LA for the Netflix Is A Joke Fest and the legend Colin Quinn sits in his chair for the show. Colin plays a flowery opening song that is the opposite of what Jay would like. | Bobby finally gets a fan to slide into his DM's and send him dirty pictures. Paco reads the messages in his best vixen voice. | Colin once practiced Transcendental Meditation but will not give Bobby his mantra because it costs money to obtain. | He also has a theory on why the Catholic Church fell apart. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Creson and Robert Kelly. Oh, Jay's rolling in his grave right now. Is that the Partridge family? Yes. It is. There you go. I knew I'd get it. Podgerie.

Oh, God. What's up, everybody? It's me, Robert Kelly. And as you can tell by the music choices, Big Jays not in studio. And I let my guest pick the tune. The great Colin Quinn. is filling in for Jay. Oh, my God.

And here's the problem. Oh, okay. I got to admit, it really does make it... The Pajer family really did put a smile on my face. It's great. You can't help but like it.

It's great. Jacob's smiling. He never smiles at the beginning of the show. No, he loves his song. Jacob pretended he didn't know it. He knew it very well. He knows it. He goes, I think I know it.

You don't think you know it. It's in the rotation. Is it David Cassidy? Yeah. David Cassidy? And didn't he have a brother? Sean Cassidy. Sean Cassidy was his brother.

He had a hit song too. What was his hit song? He was on the Hardy Boys, right? Yes. Right? But he was the cool one. The other one was just the good-looking one, right? Yeah, that's exactly right.

Because Sean Cassidy had like buck teeth or some weird shit. Yeah, but he had a little vibe going. He had a vibe. He did do run, run. He sang a remake of to do-do-run-run-run. It was a huge. Huge song. How can you not sing not play that low?

Do-D-D-D-D-Run, run, run. Look at Paco's like, what? Yeah. To do run, run, run, run. Do you know what they had? You know what he had that was my favorite thing? Here it is right here. This is our music back in America.

This is what Trump wrong. He wants to get back to this. I played this over and over and over when I was a kid. On cassette. On cassette. Oh, I had the album. Oh, you had an album? Yeah.

I had this on cassette. Do-D-D-Run run run. To-d-run run. when America was simple and so were songs and girls were easy girls were easy they'd actually give up some

some cootie for a song like this the thing that he had meanwhile black blues like they stole this from Howland Wolf back in 1937 we stole it all we stole it all and made it corny and digestible

his co-host on the Hardy Bowl the Hardy Boys co-star was Parker Stevenson. Parker Stevenson, who Kirstie Alley said massive penis. Got a big penis. She was married to him. Really?

Yes. And they got divorced, of course. They did get divorced. Yeah, well, you can't stay with a girl who has monkeys as pets. She had monkeys as pets. Yeah, what are they called? Leamas. Oh, no.

A whole backyard for the lemas. You know, I was once in Florida down by, near West Palm. We'll see where this is going. Near West Palm. Yeah. And there was. I was walking I was staying with this girl

and was walking in this weird like a weird like location it was houses yeah but anyway the short version

is they all had you know screens but in one screen I'm walking by there was this monkey and every day I would forget about it

because I was stoned and drunk and every day I would walk by and it would come and I go ah and scream every day

but he was trapped like she had him trapped like and this monkey wanted to get out and kill you could just see it wanted to kill people.

It was a bad neighborhood. It wasn't a bad neighborhood. It was like a redneck kind of neighborhood. Thanks, Christine. It was a redneck neighborhood. I was a joke. Sorry. Bad taste.

Thank you, Paco. Got it. When I was in Costa Rica, the Airbnb that we had every morning at the same time, around 30 howla monkeys would come out. And the lead one would come out

and then make sure that it was cool. and then the little ones would follow with the women, and they just hang out in the tree and just sit there and you weren't supposed to do that, but I did that. Yeah, that sound. Wow. That's crazy.

And then they would just hang out in the tree, look at you, and you're not supposed to look them in the eye because that's like a sign of aggression. Sure. Where they just, you know, they would, you know. And it's so funny, I couldn't keep eye. I was trying to just keep eye contact with the one had huge balls. Right.

Which I thought was amazing. how big their balls were. And I was staring him in the eye and I actually bitched me out. I looked down. Like Jim Florentine, he has huge balls. How do you know that? One time we were at this pizza place and everybody's saying Jim has huge balls.

He's like, ah, huge balls. He was the first one that just said. Yeah. So I go, let's see. He goes to the bathroom. We're sitting at the table in like a pizzerium. And he goes in the bathroom and just stands there and opens the door slightly and takes his balls out. The door is open.

Was it where of it? And he could have to walk by. I don't remember being blown away, but I remember thinking, yeah, I guess he's big enough to, where he shows him. I'm not like, what are you doing? Those aren't huge. They were big enough that you were like, okay, good. You sat down and had pizza? Yeah, we were in the middle of eating, watching.

It was the floor show. I don't know why having balls, there was a certain stage in my life showing your balls was just fun. It's funny. I don't know why it's fun to pull your balls out. Not the dick. I don't like pulling my... Balls is funny. Dick and balls, not funny.

balls funny hilarious I used to wait tables at La Familia Jojos shout out La Familia and me and Aldo Benny who was La Familia and we used to we used to wait tables and it was you know mom whatever kind of run place and we used to have our balls out under our aprons Oh my God and we used to do the lunch rush oh my God and we used to go hey hey Al and I pull my apron up And show my nuts. But right next to tables, just to see if we could get caught doing it. We never got caught. Thank God I never got caught if it was a mob.

What if it's some mobbed guy's aunt and his sister-in-law? They're sitting there at a table. It was a $5, $5, $5-dishes special meal. It was all fucking penny-pinsures from the district, the financial dish. It was never. They only came in on weekends, Joe the Barba. But it was in North End, right? North End, best Italian section.

in the world, by the way. A friend of mine, he was a waiter for a while, and one of the women sitting at the table really pissed him off, so complained about her cappuccino, and so he took it

and proffed the milk with his nuttack hair and gave it back to her. And she said it was great. That's too far. She didn't complain after her. Too much. That's too much.

Your friends are psychopath. Yeah, dude. She's a sociopath. Yeah, you don't want to dip your balls and stuff. That's too far. Is this friend? A friend working and sitting on a microphone right now. No.

Well, you know, there used to be, I used to go to this girl, she told me she worked in Japan, and there was a restaurant that a bar people would go to where the waiters would stir the drink with their penis. Like, that was part of the hook. In Japan? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure it's Japan? Yeah.

I remember. It took 30 minutes to get a drink. But isn't that crazy? Like, people would go there. Like, that was part of the hook. the place like oh ha ha and you'd watch the guy started to drink with his penis she said Japan was very perverted you know I tell you what

it is a good hook I'd go I would go once yeah I would go you have to go just once yeah yeah I love taking my balls out back in the day I won't take them out now they're too big now you could have worked in Japan big in Japan I could I could work there because of my face too according to you yes yeah whatever I look like yeah I look like what

you look like you probably put an arm bar on Jean-Claude Van damn at some point in the early 90s. Real quick, where am I playing next weekend? At the end of... Where am I playing? Oh, shit. I don't remember.

Wait, wait, wait. Uncle Vinnie's, no. Nope. You already did Uncle Vinnie's. I did, you piece of shit, yeah. Just did Uncle Vinny's. Hold on. It's somewhere from...

Oh, it's like a weird... Wait a minute. It's a weird Ohio gig or weird. It's somewhere Illinois or Ohio. It's a strange... Two different locations. No. Yes.

No. Two different locations. I'm going to be... It's a trick question. I'm opening for Shane in Boston. You would have never got it. Oh, but your next other gig after that is some weird Illinois or Ohio gigs

that we each one separate. I'm in Ohio, Cleveland, you're right? And then I'm actually... And then I'm doing New Orleans. New Orleans, yeah. And Alabama the next night. It's crazy, Quinn. It's nuts.

It's, you gotta stop. You gotta get another hobby. And it's only me. It's only you. I go downtown and go all around. It's only me. I don't understand it. It makes me fucking frightened.

We were talking about, we're the only comics all week long. I packed the show with all comics that did not get, are not going to Netflix as a joke festival in LA. Yeah. You're not going? Voss is on tomorrow, he ain't going, and Verses on Wednesday,

he ain't going. None of us got invited. It's the Bonfire Festival. Yeah, we created our own festival. There you go, Jake. This is the Bonfire Fest. Yeah, we're doing our festival. They're saturated with comics.

There's so many comics, it's annoying. There's a lot of comics. There's actually comics that aren't comics. There's actually people who aren't comics that are doing comedy at the festival. Yeah. Yeah. Well, but it's also obnoxious.

That many people and all the L.A. fans are going to be forced to go, even though they don't want to go. It's too many people. Like, people feel compelled to go. Like, okay, they're giving us discount, more tickets. Okay, eight for 12. And it's just going to be packed with people that don't want to be there. Eight for 12? Well, I'm going to say they give you like 12 for eight. 12 for eight. Well, here's a day. By the way, no one's ever said. I don't know why I started to invent that. I love that that's the excuse where we didn't get picked to go.

Yeah, because we don't, we're not part of the saturation of comedy. Is that it? The overexposure of comedy. We're trying to stand tall. Well, we're doing a damn good job of not being over saturated. I tell you that. This whole week is full of guests who aren't oversaturated. That's right.

I mean, every single person I know is at the festival. Yes, they were all there. Even people I didn't think were there. They're like, oh, no, he's doing that show there. Yeah. Ari's out there. Yeah. Ari's out there.

Jay's out there. Lewis is out there. Yeah. Joe List is out there, right? is Joe list out there? I saw Joe list the other day. Dan Sotas out there. I gave Joe a good talking to because Joe left me a message.

Here's what it bothers me. And I don't blame, it's not just Joe, but let's put Joe for the hell of it. He goes, hey, you don't have to call me back. Just saying hi. Don't tell somebody you don't have to call me back. Obviously, now the ball's in their court. So if you leave me a message, you don't have to call me back. If I don't call you back, this is I'm going to pirate you.

Yeah, but you know what that is? that's because Joe didn't want to call you in the first place that's because he was calling just to say I called and when you didn't pick up it's like dude I'm in I ting you're it I'm out but he doesn't want you to call

he's not tag it right he does not want to talk to you does not want to that's a thing who somebody's going I haven't called him a while I feel bad and then he calls him you don't pick up thank God hey man you don't have to call me back but whatever he's just calling you and he's out And I, that's so funny. And, you know, I said it to him, too.

And he goes, so what? You got a new bit. Yeah, Joe is not a, he never calls. He never calls. Norton never calls. Well, Norton put us, Norton put us in our place about 14 years ago. We all kept calling them.

One day we started talking each other going, does Nort never call you back? He never calls me back. He's pissing me over. He never calls me back either. He'll respond. And even with texts, he'll respond to text. He's like a Gen Z personality with this kind of.

thing. He won't call you ever. Never calls. And he'll text when he feels like two days later. It'll be two days later and then I'll be like, dude, what the fuck? It's two days later. Yeah, dude, I was at the gym. For two days? It's like, what the fuck you talk? It's weird. Norton

did release us from a friendship that we had. Like I call Voss. I call you. I call Keith. You pick up. We talk. If you call Norton, he won't pick up the phone. He has rules. He'll say text me, it's better. And then he won't call back, yeah.

And then he won't... He has weird boundaries that he set up with us. Do you think we did something? I mean, how can we all have done the same thing? That's ridiculous. If it was one of us, you'd say, he's pissed at me. We're very similar, douche-bass. I mean, we're very...

Well, so is he, though. I'll tell you, we're going to have to test out that M.M.A. on him and see if he's really working. He keeps yourself. Oh, oh, head with that fool. And see what he's got. He's not taking an MMA to fight us or anybody else. He's taking it to defend himself

at his house. You know that. Jim's taking MMA courses. Jim's taking, or he's taking Jiu-Jitsu and he's taking something else. Moy Thai. He's been doing it for like three or four years consistently twice a week.

Yeah. That's pretty good. And Maitai is probably his specialty because he does look like a very tight, he looks like a little tight, you know what I mean? He's statue and he's got those big calves that a lot of Asians have,

no offense, but they do have, but you look at him right there. Yeah, there you go. Have you seen him fight? No, he doesn't fight. He won't fight. He's not fighting. He's training.

Well, have you seen him train and fight? Well, you won't let us go to the... That would be so awful. If he doesn't even want us to call, can imagine we show up because Jim, we'll look him through the window like where his parents. It's like cobra kage. No, I can just see him, though. No one ever gets a choke on him. It just slips out.

Yeah. It just sinks in. Jim never taps. All his limbs are flexible. It's like trying to do jiu-jitsu with a bugger. I mean, I love Jim, but I can't imagine him because I go to Max's jiu-jitsu, and it's pretty aggressive.

These guys are pretty aggressive. I would love to go and watch him, just audit a class, just watch Jim wrestle. I bet he's in a triangle intentionally. I bet if he goes to Max's class, he would fit right in. I think he was a 14-year-old. Oh, I'd love to put him and Max together to see Max choke him out.

Oh, that'd be fantastic. And Thanksgiving, right in front of his girl, Nikki. Oh, Jimmy, you'll get choked up by a 12-year-old. I just gave her a Puerto Rican accent. I don't know what she had that accent. That was his fantasy of the transit. Oh, you know what happened this weekend, which was awesome. Oh.

I'm so excited to tell everybody the whole crew, because you're part of it. I'm very excited. I got boob pick and I got a sexy note on social media and I'm talking it wasn't sexy

it was dirty right down my alley whoa I got a boob pick so I got a thank you fan of the show because I was complaining last week I never get anything

I don't believe you I gotta ask you don't believe so you want to see it yes all right I'll show with you but I do I don't want you judging the boobs

No, I don't want judging All right, I'll show you boobs But I don't want judging of the boobs All right, beggars can't be choosers I like them They're very big And I would say, I don't know Should I show them?

I feel like... Male or female Guys have boobs now too Don't be so intolerant No, I'm not intolerant It's female boobs Oh, here we go Are you ready for this?

You ready for this? There's the dirty message You want to hear the dirty message? Yeah Do you want to hear it? Yeah, then the boob pick. I should have, well, here's the problem with the dirty message. Oh, too dirty?

No, it was perfect right down my alley. I was so into it. But then at the end, she threw Dawn in the mix. Oh, well, she's trying to be polite. She's like, hey, I don't want to be, I don't want to break up your marriage. Yeah, but it was like right. I was in it. I was reading.

And then all of a sudden it's like in. Dawn's yelling. You picture Dawn yelling at you. You go, what the hell are you doing? She's, it said you and Dawn should get, it was just like it. read it? Huh? Should Pacca read it? Yeah, Paco, come over here. Could you read it in female voice?

Now, I'm not going to reveal who it was, so I don't want you to see the name, because you'll fucking hit her up and like her and follow her. You pervert. All right, grab that microphone. We're a professional radio show. You don't need to use my mic. Okay, ready? Yeah. Go ahead. No, read it in a sexy. His voice is too

deep. No, you do it in your voice, voice, like your father's voice. Milk you. I think you're so sexy. I want you to come in my mouth light your cigar for you rub your shoulders I want to put

all your balls in my mouth how many do you have two I got two she said all your balls well she could have said one and I would have been like well what about the other one but she should have said your balls all is three okay

wait a minute toothed I mean when you say you can't just say I want to put your ball yeah all is I told you not to judge it, okay? But you're right. Balls is too.

You said don't judge the booze. Not a love letter. All is too much. You're right. I want to put all your balls in my mind. It's way too much. All right, we're going to have to. I thought that was Ani.

Yeah, is it Anni? It's not Ani. It's real. And I really thank you so much for this. But you should next time you write a letter. Yeah. Use singular or plural. Don't use.

All. Okay, ready? I want to put all your balls. Can you just change it? Real quick. Let's just, let's just change. Let's just change it because you're ruining. I want to read this later and I'm not, I'm going to have to.

I'm going to have to. All right. Just change it to balls, okay? I want to put balls your balls. No, no, no, no. Paco, you're not taking the note. You're, listen, I want to put. He did it.

He did it deliver. I know. I'm going with a bit. Paco, I want you to say, put your balls. Okay, ready? Just say, just change it to balls. Put your balls. No, I want to.

I want to put your balls in my mouth. Yeah. I know how you do it gently. It will make, it will make you twitch to ecstasy. She's not retarded. Can you read it again? That's her. Oh, she did a typo.

That's not him. Oh, my God. First draft. Well, she wrote it for me so I would understand it. You understand? So this is Bobby slang. She probably could have wrote it right,

but it's for me. I read, I didn't even I read none of this, by the way. I read this and it was fine. Balls, all balls. All right, go ahead. All right, start from the top again. Milk you.

I think you're so sexy. I want you to come in my mouth. I do. Light your cigar for you. Rub your shoulders. I want to put all your balls No, no, stop. I want to put your balls.

Wait, whoa, shit. I showed your name. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. You're killing you, five, go. I want to put your balls in my mouth.

I know how to do it gently. It will make you twitch to ecstasy. You and Don should get head from me. Make her relax. That's where I'm out. That's where I'm out. Why does she get to relax? I mean, right then I was like, fuck.

I just Dawn's face popped in, just judgmental, like she can smell shit but she doesn't know where it is. Well, I'm getting all my balls put in her mouth. You know what? Yeah. That girl's in L.A. at the Netflix set. Putting all of Jay's balls in her mouth. Even she got a spot.

Oh, God, I was so excited to get that. And now is... Do you think Jay's going to see a little cab out there? Yeah, of course he is. You can see the picture. Do you think it's going to be... A little pervert Jacob wants to see the picture. All right, let's see it.

Good point, he's right. Just proof of life. You're right. Hang on. I'm changing the subject, you're right. No, you can change it. Here you go. I'm trying to find it.

Here we go. Nope, that's not it. Whoa. Oh, maybe they took it down. Oh. Oh, no, here it is. I got it. You ready?

Yep. I don't want to get on a camera. Bam. Oh, my God. What? What? Oh my God, what? Is that an oh my God, bad or good?

Nice. Big. Yeah, I told you they were big. You're judging them. I told you not to judge them. They're not for you, though. Huh? He's excited about them.

Let us see them. I'm gonna relax you, man. Nice. Oh, they're on camera? Sorry, you take those off. I think those qualify as all your boobs. Oh, my God. But let me tell you something.

She does the same thing with her boobs that I do at my stomach when I'm showing my penis. I pull up the fat. her boobs are so big you have to pull them up a little bit I do I do so thank you very much I finally out of two and a half years

of doing the show I got some good ones I got some good ones had no time to use them by the way that's a good one yeah that was a good one do you get boob pics me

I mean I'm engaged you get mastectomy picks oh I was so happy to And then this happened This fucked me up I was

I'm sitting at I got this the night before I was very excited And she actually I really put it in At the end I go Hey you had me till you said her name My wife's name

So she redid it I think did she redo the all too I think she redid Oh that would suck if she read the Oh no Paco Paco Get over here Paco I think she redid the all

Maybe well you know She was like you didn't tell her like hey Also while you're right it could you Oh here it is right here Spot editing There you go There you go Paco I wrote I wrote well well well

You had me till dawn That's what I wrote My All right And then she puts three emojis So it's like It was great Good work

Good fully work Yeah Dang it I just wanted to let you know that you do have female fans that find you very sexy especially with the beard Oh, I'm keeping it

I would wash you slowly Oh, I love being washed I love being washed We know from your Rubin tuck days Oh my God Have you ever been washed? No You've never been washed

No Oh you don't know what it is to be a man Oh Being washed is one of my favorite things Oh my God, go ahead. I would wash you down slowly, rub you down, and milk you. Do you what milk is?

She wants to hose you down? No, I'm not a fucking elephant. You're a piece of shit. It's not using a hose. I'm not in the backyard. Where does she wash you, though? What is she all over, dude? About where?

In my bathtub? Well, on a, probably a table or in the tub. Yeah, probably on the tub. Don't get too crazy. Don't break this down too much. What? The rewrite's good. Let's see what else she says.

All right, go ahead. Rub you down. Do you know what milking is? Jerking your hand job. In Asia, it is tit fucking. No. What? No.

That's not what I've been watching lately. In South America. Have you been watching Asian tit fucking? Yeah. Why? I don't know. It just comes on my algorithm. Yeah.

Yeah, but it got there somehow. Because I sought it out. Another one with Asian tit fucking. Yeah. But they say, I want a milk. you many times over. See? Well, no.

Milding, meaning the milk of the tits. Milking is, uh, when you're on all fours and they reach from behind and pull it almost this is going to make me look bad again like I'm a cow. Like you milk a cow. Right. Like that. Comes from when I was my fat days. I thought I got into that.

Milking a prostate or something. I thought it was this. No. It's not. The milking table. Well, that's, oh, I like that. That's a massage table with a whole. That's a mosaic table with a whole.

where your penis is, and there's a woman underneath milking you. And the guy had to get up. He actually had to climb up a ladder to get up there. It's a loft. It's a massage loft. That's the official milking table. When you don't have enough money for a milking table or you have a family where you can't go, hey, Don, I have an Amazon package coming today.

Don't open it. And then I have to have a milking table in the garage next to my sauna. You have to get on all fours. That's hilarious. And do it my way. Mine's the poor people way. When you get on all fours and they milk you from behind. Paco, read.

I feel like one of those guys in Times Square, read. The Black Israelite. Yeah, Paco, read. I would wash you slowly, rub you down and milk you. Stop right there. Milking is when you get on all fours. If you don't have money to get a milking table and they milk you like a cow until you come. Now read.

I would wash you down slowly. Stop right there. I like to be washed. Men should be washed. Read. I would wash you down slowly. Paco's so good at this. Rub you down and milk you. Yeah. And take it all in my mouth and relax.

It's not going to be hard to take it all in our mouth. Go ahead. So whenever you feel down, no, you always have had a sex appeal baby. But wait a minute. He added a kiss. That's not in there.

But why did she say, I'll take it all in my mouth and relax. Listen, I'm sure she has a family around her and she's trying to get this in to make me feel good. She's not putting too much into it. Well, it's a little strange to say relax you because I said nothing right then. Okay, well, we can, we can re-edit it. And why do you have to rub your shoulders? You're such a goddamn. You know what you are.

Why do you have to rub your shoulders? You're such a writer. You're such a, you're looking at it like it's a script. It's just a sexy thing. All the things that I like being washed. But it's so, but you know what the sad part is that she knows you think it's like a real classy gentleman's thing. I'm going to light your cigar. You're like, ooh, I did like that.

I'm in the upper echelon now. Well, hearing him read it, dude, it made me, it made me a little sad too. She goes, so next time you're sad, it's like, all right, whatever, I'm not sad. I just wanted a tip-pick and some sexy talk. I'm pretty happy with my life You don't get that stuff at all No Damn

Nothing I mean I got all that stuff You don't even check your emails No I don't But but I used to get it back in a long time Before email You got it We used to get pictures when I was on MTV and stuff You know girls are just sent

You got letters I got letters with wax on it with a stamp Yeah You have it open up like the Constitution Here ye hear ye I will milk thee and suck all the balls. It was not actually saying Polaroids.

Oh, Polaroids. Remember Polaroids? Yeah. Oh, my God, did I love a Polaroid? It's great. It's the best. Because they can't, they don't want it to be, there's no trace. It's just take a Polaroid and that's it. It was done. Yeah, Polaroids were the best because those are the ones you hid. Yeah.

I told you one of the biggest fights me and Don ever got into is we were sitting down, eating dinner when I lived on 47th Street. And I don't know. There was some, we got in some stupid fight, me, all me. Maybe the fight was over the fact that he didn't say we lived on 47th Street. It was a point when she was paying half the bills. You're right, tusha. When we lived on 47th Street and we got into a big fight, I don't know about me.

I don't know, something, some. stupid, some dumb argument that it was all me, 100% me. And I flipped the plate. I used to be a plate flipper. Right. And that was my, you know, fucking De Niro. What the fuck? You ruin your part the steak. And I

did that and Dawn does not get mad. She does not flip out at all. But when she does, it's devastating. Because she holds ammunition. So things that happen, she'll take it and hold it and store it. Of course. That's what women do. I always do with that.

Yeah, it's, it's, it's, fuck, you do that too? Do you have stuff? You always do. You don't have stuff you can like bring up in a fucking? No, only women do. Guys don't, we get it out right then and there. Yeah.

We fucking flip something, and it all comes out. Women hold tickets. Yeah. They hold ammunition and they calmly take it and take it and take it. Just holding it in, taking notes. And apparently, I said something to her.

Oh, you know what it was about? I thought, I thought she was cheating on me with somebody. I thought she was cheating on me with somebody. And I lightly asked her about it. I thought she was, this is so fucked up. I thought it was she was cheating on me with the old superintendent of our building,

the Spanish dude. And they were friendly. What are you laughing at? You're projecting. Like the super? That laugh really stings. once in a while. She lays it in, right?

It can be fun, and then it can really hurt. I never knew that laugh was a weapon. No, so I just brought it up, like, hey, so what are you? You like this guy? And she got so mad at me. She fucking, and we started fighting. I flip the, I go, fuck the meatloaf or some shit like that. She goes, oh, yeah.

And right when she just said, oh, yeah, I knew. she was going to she went to get something I'm like oh fuck me she found something and she went into my Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book where I stored my Polaroids

from over the years of you know my little not now but back then you know what I mean like old you really don't want to throw those out because God forbid somebody finds them and they're out in the public somewhere so you've got to kind of hold on it

I'm doing a service That's absolutely. Thank you. You like the Smithsonian. Exactly. Exactly. I'm the Smithsonian for tits and ass. So that, you know what I mean?

I don't want, you can't just throw that shit out. It could get fined up in the wrong hands. That's true. So I held on to it and I put it in my big book. And she went right over in my big book. As soon as she grabbed it, I was like, oh, boy. I thought she's not going to read me a passage about acceptance or letting go. She grabbed this.

She goes, what are these? And she threw them on the table. And the first thought was like, fuck, now I'm going to have to throw these out. I was like, God damn it. I really like these ones. These are from a long time ago. And I really use these every once in a while to hook up with old Wendy. Oh, Wendy from Boston.

And I was like, those are from a long time ago. And she's like, yeah. And I took him and I threw them in the trash. I don't give a fuck. about these oh did I give a fuck about those and I remember she's so spiteful she went over and tied the garbage up and took it down to the fucking trash she knew exactly what she was doing the polar words were the shit now if she had to uh leave and go out that day to go to work would you have gone in that garbage and ripped it open like there was a golden ticket from

willie walker in that trash when I went through that trash like a rat god do I miss those photos Oh, they were such good ones. They weren't too graphic. No, they were just brought back memories. They were for me too. Like she took them for me years before I even knew. Well, you know, we knew each other but not. Shut up, Christine.

I've got to get this fucking timing right. Before your rebirth. I did have a... Nice. I had a... Oh, fuck on. Shut up. Just shut up and move on.

I bet you have a spheroids. You did go through the trash. I did. I couldn't find him. Some asshole has them now. Yeah, I missed that. Now it's, I remember, that's one of the things I got caught with was when the phones got photos and video.

I was the first one to have videos and phone on the, I had the first video phone. the flip phone it had video on it and i remember i had video on my phone of some stuff and uh i remember i oh god it was so bad you remember this you're the one who saved my life you saved my i have a marriage and a son now because of you because you're the only friend i have that's not a piece of shit this doesn't even you don't even remember it in the cab what talking in the cab No. What? You don't remember.

This fucking moment, this is like one of the biggest moments of my life. Which one, tell me, give me more detail. You're in the middle of right, right, listen. When I got caught cheating. Mm-hmm. Okay. We had a conversation. Apparently it didn't affect you as much as it affected me.

Well, was it just a conversation? No. I got caught with, um, I left my phone at the cellar. And Dawn had called, was calling me. and I wasn't picking up. So she called the seller. Heather, the waitress, picked up and Dawn was like, who's this?

She picked up my phone. My phone was ringing behind the bar. Heather picked it up. We still move our phones behind the bar. Oh, God. Don't move. She picked it up and goes, oh, he's not here.

He left a while ago. Fucking asshole. Don goes, I'll be right there. Oh! She went down. Fuck you. She went down and got the phone. and there was some stuff on there, some stuff, not recent stuff, but stuff.

And then I came home late, which I did, and the door was locked. And then I heard the elevator go, ding, and it was Dawn, had my phone, my iPad, my computer, had all of my gadgets with stuff on it. And she was crying. she was crying she's like you're I'll never forget it because she found all my stuff even the one that was in taxes 2006 file which which is so stupid for me to do

I've never done the task you know what I mean I should have put it in call a duty file or something stupid I put it in a math folder because you're thinking the way you would think if you saw a taxes thing, like I'm not good at that thing. Oh, exactly. I put it in something I wouldn't look at. Not something she wouldn't look at.

You know what I mean? I should have put it in push-ups, workout regiments. Yeah. Yeah, I've never forgiven she said she was crying. And I was like, fuck, when I saw her with all my stuff. And she goes, you're a fucking serial killer. You're like a serial killer. And I was like, fuck.

And then we went in and we talked and we cried. and blah, blah, blah. And she was like, you know, you have to get help. If you don't get help, I got, I'm leaving. And then I called every one of my friends. And I said to her, I go, I, she goes, what do you want to do? I go, I don't know yet. I have to really, if I'm going to do this, I have to make the decision.

And she went, all right, I go, give me two days. And I called Patrice. He said, you're a piece of shit. Let her go. I called Dane. Dude, let her go. You're hunk of garbage. Norton, let her go.

Voss. Doug. Let her get somebody. She deserves. Every single friend, except for you, you said, try to get help, try to work it out, give yourself eight months. If in eight months, you're still a piece of shit and you can't do it, let her go. But if you don't, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

And I did. And I got, I went to therapy. That was the first time I went to therapy? That was the first time you were to therapy? I went to therapy right then for that. Was that Alan? That was not Alan. I went to the ball guy with two fucking lion dogs that used to scare the shit out of me.

and every therapy session you had two dogs like lions next to them and they do this what what? And you go

it's okay it's okay and it's okay and I'm like it's not okay I'm terrified I'm fucking terrified to be like

it's okay I'm like whatever this is I don't like wow and then I want to believing him he had two of those what are those called

chow chow chow chows they have blue tongues it's the most it's the most frightening fucking dog and then the growl and their tongue comes out and it's like blue.

That's iconic. Two of them. Fucking not one. Two in every therapy session, I would go. And he had a bow tie too. He had a bow tie. He was a complete douche bag. And he was $250 a session.

And I had to do that. That's when I left him and I got Alan. I got Alan and then my first time I was in with Alan, he go, you know, I sat down and I go, listen, you're not making me into a fucking gay boy. He goes, you're already gay. You're here. Real men don't go to therapy. I was like, this is the guy for me.

This guy knows exactly who I am. Did I tell you about my friend that had... You don't remember saying that to me. I remember, yes. I thought you were talking about some big incident. I remember talking about this stuff, of course. That was a huge incident. But I'm saying it was a conversation.

You were acting like it was some other thing. I mean, you gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever had in my life. I'm glad. What about my friend that was... What about my friend that went to... It sucks to me that when you live through something, your version is always different than the other.

the person's version. I wouldn't mean as much to him. We saved one of his closest friends. I mean, we have Max because of him. Not from a drowning, not from a car in a river. He just gave you a talk. Yeah. When all my other friends...

Wait a minute. Instead of saying a car drowning, why don't you say not from a vacation? Because I'm a hero. But let me tell you about my friend who would say, we went to a therapist who reminds me of the guy with a car. dogs. My friend went to this guy who was actually, I heard more about lately, but

he was a retired cop and it was, you know, a reformed like wild crazy cop, but he sat there and my friend sat and every time the guy crossed his legs, his ankle holster with his gun would show.

That's worse than dogs. I might have to quit therapy, man. It's getting too expensive. What do you mean? My insurance, it's too much. I might have to go to BetterHelp. What's our code?

Bonfire? I might have to go to Better Help for some therapy. It's too expensive. I can't afford it. It's like 300 bucks a session now. Is this a commercial? No. It's not a commercial.

Well, I just feel like it kind of came out of nowhere. Well, I'm going to talk about therapy, and I might have to quit. You go to therapy? No. You don't go to therapy? I'm sorry if you're saying it like that. I said it a little shocking. Yeah.

You don't go to therapy at all. No. Why? You don't believe in it? What? How many conversations we have? You know I went to therapy for a long, long time. So you quit?

Why are you acting? No, I told you my, my guy retired. That's old. What? That's crazy. Yeah. He was an old guy. Was he old?

Well, Alan's old as shit too. Yeah. He's never going to retire. There's going to be a bunch of unhealthy comedians in New York in a few years. And he takes August off, which bugs me. They all take August off. What is that? That's just their thing.

I don't know why. Is it a therapist thing? Didn't you ever see that movie? What about Bob with Richard Dreyfus and Bill Murray? One of my favorite movies of all time. There was August. Remember he took August off and Bill Murray goes and stalks him? You know where he went too, right?

Lake Winnipeasaki. Where's that? That's where I live. That's where my house is up. That's where they shot that? The lake region, yeah. Lake Winipasaki. And then Richard Dreyfus years later said he hated Bill Murray.

Hated his guts. He said he was an Irish drunken bully. He was an Irish, and they hated each other, and all the hate in the movie is real hate. The director loved it because they really, he really hated Bill Murray. A lot of people hate Bill Murray, too, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, he sounds like a piece of shit. That's why I never want to meet him because I love him so much.

What were you going to say, Jay? He's so funny. I'm saying, I know it's important to work on yourself, but you're, is there not an end date to therapy? Like, you guys are talking, like, you only stop because your guy retired. I was talking to my guy, I was stopping. I didn't stop. He stopped. Right.

But you would have continued. I gave me one day. He's like, I'll catch you later. I'm like, so you're cured. You basically just got to say, I guess I've had enough. He goes,

you'll be all right. My therapist called me a lifer. Isn't that mean you're... I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. He just says I'm a lifer. Like, I'll always be... Doesn't seem good.

I guess it doesn't seem good when you look at it like that. Well, yeah, there's different arguments about therapy. Some people say what you're saying, which is like, there should be an end date. They should come to the end of the problems. And some people say, well, you know, obviously if we're in there, we're not,

you're not going to get cured. You're just going to, you know, as it goes along, you just keep, I mean, do you really get cured of anything if you think about it? You can get cured of AIDS? AIDS, get cured of AIDS, cancer, hopefully. But, I mean, I hear about, like, Howard Stern. He has, like, a lifelong therapist. He's been in for, like, 30 years.

years or something like that. He does meditation too. He does, what's it called? T.M. He does T.M. Meditation. And so do you. No, I don't do it anymore.

You do it. And when you do T.M. I don't know if you know this, but you get a word. It's called a mantra. A mantra. You get a mantra. And I wanted to do T.M. Jacob, it's a funny story.

I wanted to do T.M. But I didn't have enough money to pay for the T.M. And get your mantra. So I just called my friend Colin Quinn. who was doing TM had a mantra, and I said, hey, can I just have your mantra? And he said, no. I said, of course not.

That's not how it works. Why can't I have your mantra? Because TM is not, you don't pass them. First of all, they would only get paid one person and everybody else would use the same mantra. Second of all, you have to sit there for three days. You have to bring the guy an orange and an apple. Why?

They don't tell you why. But if you don't show up with it, they send you home. How do I know that? Because one of my nephews went, he's like, I'm going to bring an orange apple. The guy goes, go home, come back tomorrow. With an orange and an apple? Yeah.

So you went in, gave your orange and apple three days. I only did it one day, I think the orange and apple, if I remember correctly. And then they give you a mantra, but you can't be passing out to people that haven't paid. Why? But I'm your friend. That's not the way it works. I'm not. I'm not sneaking you into the goddamn club that I'm bartending at.

This is about serious TV. You don't even do it anymore. No, I stop. What is a... Well, let me just tell you the... What is a mantra? Don't try to trick me into giving it to you. No, no, but I'm sick.

Is it just a real, like a phrase? It's like a word. Like what? Give it this example. Give us an example. Acorn. Only, it's not a word in English. It's a word in like...

Like what? In Sanskrit or something. So what would it be? I'm not going to fall for this. Let me just tell you the... The funniest of all therapy things was Rich Jenny, RIP, who had a routine where he goes, people say I need therapy, obviously. He goes, people say I need therapy.

He killed himself. He was very funny to me. But he goes, people say I need therapy. He goes, my only problem with therapy is Woody Allen, who I assume went to the top therapist in the world for his whole, for 40 years, the most prestigious therapist every week for 40 years. And he goes, and the best he came up with is. my Asian stepdaughter is starting to look pretty good. I think I'm going to quit therapy.

What's that? I think I'm going to quit therapy. Why? Because of today? Maybe today. I think I'm done. I'm going to go to TM and get my own mantra because you won't give me yours. But I stopped doing TM.

I think there is going to be a mantra. No. You're not going to use it. No, you still can't do it. Is that actually a rule or is that you just being you? No, it's a rule. There's a rule you can never give your mantra. If you give out the,

the mantra, it disintegrates. Into what? Into the atmosphere. Into the... But Colin, do you just keep repeating like acorn, acorn, acorn, what you're supposed to do? No, here's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to let your thoughts, I can't believe I'm giving a free, a free seminar. But you know what? Maybe somebody out there will use it.

Maybe something to be helping people right now. So you're supposed to, what you're supposed to do? You're not supposed to be like, I have to make my mind blank. That's what the suckers do. TM is not for suckers. TM, if you're thinking about something that's aggravating you, you're like, I keep, I'm not going to control my thoughts,

but I'm going to breathe and keep going back to my breath. And how am I going to keep focusing on my breath with my mantra? So you say acorn, right, or whatever yours, did you know what yours was in English? No, I don't think it is in English.

So you don't know what it is in English. You just know the word in whatever it is. Yeah. I never bothered to research what it meant. I probably should have. So it's just a word. Is it one word? Is it like how many syllables?

Mine's just one word. How many syllables? That's classified. Come on, dude. Just give me a syllable. Is it one syllable? That's classified. Come on, dude.

Just give me a mantra. It's a few syllables. It's a few syllables. Yeah. So it's like Lakakakakak. Well, you know, if you're going to mock the famous. The ancient Sanskrit language, you're not a fitting candidate for TM. I'm glad you're not part of our community.

Well, you're not even part of it anymore. I am part of it. You're not part of it. I am part. You can go back whenever you want. I don't know. I don't think he can't. You know none of the rules about fucking TM.

No. Go back. Don't you just do it on your own? You do do it on your own, but he's right in the sense that if I went to a TM, they have conferences if I showed up and I haven't done it in five years. And the sad part was, I was doing it. It's a pain in the ass to do. You have to do 20 minutes twice a day. Ugh. It's like being Muslim.

It's a high. Yeah. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's. It's like coming from Catholic once a week. Yeah, yeah, 45 minutes, get some bread, say I'm sorry. And you're else. Yeah. Catholic's got it made. We really, we really stream around religion. I know. Why do we stray? Why do we stray from what?

Catholicism. I don't think we strayed. We just stopped, we stopped bringing our kids to church. That's called straying. Well, we didn't. What's a definition of straying? It was really the generation before us that strayed. It was the one that's straight. Yeah.

And Catholic was so easy to be. Catholic was much easier. But they said they lost it when they changed when they got rid of the Latin Mass. Even though you think the Latin Mass would actually make it less interesting, it made it more interesting. I have another theory too. I think that is one of the things. And then when they're making our kids suck their dicks, that was another thing. Yeah, but that always went on.

I mean, that was a constant. Yeah, but we found out about it. It's almost like, you know. like people. There's almost like gays in the military for a while, you know. Don't ask, don't tell. But most, and I always, I always defend the priest because I feel like they weren't, yes, there's charm molester.

And every organization like boys, cats, like priests, you know, there's always, they're always moving that direction. But most of those priests are just gay guys when they were growing up. Yeah. People couldn't say, my son's gay. And they're like, my son's going to be a priest. And then suddenly they'd be like, I guess I'm going to be a priest. So now you're 14.

they send you to, you know, to cathedral or one of these seminaries, and you're 14, seminary, and you're 14, and you're starting to feel sexuality, and you're associated with the church and Catholicism, and you're around these other guys that are also going through the same thing. Things are going to happen. It jumps off.

Then, wait, I'll finish it. The final thing is, then you go back into your parish, and suddenly you see a bunch of other 15, 14 year old boys standing there. The age you are, when you were told priest, God, church,

sexuality, all combined in your head, so you feel like you connect with them in a way you shouldn't connect with them. You really thought this through. I really did. Holy shit. It was uncomfortable. Yeah, it was. That almost sounds like you thought

that through. Like, why you're gay. What the fuck did? That was really personal I feel like I really summed it up Christine always leaves when we talk about religion and God She's gonna get out of here Well

But why don't they let priests just have sex Yeah I know If you let because when it started They were banging all the They would go around like you know To Thessalonia and fucking Galasia And bang all the women So they're putting a bad word in

That's why I love calling You just said shit We all just nod our head Like we knew what the fuck he's talking about Well like you know Corinthian, Paul's letter to they travel these places. It's just a guy from Brooklyn with your accent and your face saying these

words and actually knowing what they, is shocking to everybody listening and in the room. It's like the old, and so the, but anyway, so apparently they were going out and just, you know, women would be getting filled with the spirit like, oh my God, Jesus is the Word of God. They're getting filled with the spirit, all right. And then those guys would take advantage of it and start banging him, of course, you know.

Yeah, but they were banging women at least. Right? Right? Whoa. What? Well, at least having... Whoa. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So your theory is that kids were gay and instead of having a gay kid, make him a priest. And then when he becomes a priest, he's around kids that were gay when he was gay.

And he finds him, he's relating to them as they were. Yeah. Because they wouldn't just let them be gay in those days. they'd be like, I mean, people still get weirded out. But I mean, but in those days, it was just, it wasn't even a thought in people's heads, you know? Yeah, I just think they should let priests get married. Get married and have, you know what I mean?

That way, if you, now, especially when your kid's gay, they can just be gay now. You don't have to make them a priest. Well, I always felt, I always said that the church itself would not be the beautiful. When you walk into church, a straight guy could not have done the interior design on the church. That was gay guys.

It was gay. The hysteria, the goggoyles is a straight guy. The stone work. Yeah, but the frames inside. Yes. The framing, the candles. The bell bits, the candle. The candles are all gay guys.

Yeah, the beautiful dark reds and just everything about us. It's so funny because when, like, I've known, I told you, I've known three priests that were gay. Yeah. But they never say they're gay. No. They never said. When I was in rehab, the overnight priest that was there, big chubby fat guy, he used to

pull his, he used to have his priest outfit on. He used to pull it up. like over his belly button. I think what did we call that last week? The fucking hemisphere. He used to take it over the hemisphere of your fatness. He used to make the equator. But 100% he's gay.

The first night there was like, hello Robert. You know, I mean, you can't have that voice. I know. It's really tragic. You can't have... It killed the Catholic Church, which could have been a great organization.

Right. And then my priest, who I did my fourth step with, at the end of my fourth step, He kissed me on the neck, but he kissed me, like on the neck, a soft kiss and then left it and pulled it there and ruined the whole fucking day for me. Because I was like, God, Jesus, I was just molested. I was just molested at 19. I would have been into this when I was 13 or 12.

Could have saved me from drugs and alcohol. I could have just became that guy. Then I could have become an artist and been in the theater much earlier. What's that? Oh, yes. Well, we've got to take a break. The great Colin Quinn is here. Don't forget, Jay is out in, he's at the Netflix's Joe's Festival with all the other comedians in the world.

But we're not. Jay's out there this week. He's in Los Angeles doing Story Wars this week. He'll be back headlined in Austin Memorial Day weekend. For tickets on all tour days, go to Big J Comedy.com. And we got the great Colin Quinn in here. Colin, what are you pro? We got Colin wrote a new immersive.

Wow, what a word. Immersive, showcased, building. It's called building. What is this? We'll get it to when we get back. All right, we'll get it to it. He's going to be producing the Pioneer Works in Red Hook

this summer, July 8th through the 11th, with Vinnie Piazzi, Jesus, mob funded, and Catherine Narducci. Oh, that sounds like weird. I know you get, you didn't get the money for office Seinfeld this time,

did you? You had to go back to your old neighborhood. Skankfest tickets are available right now. So make sure you go there, skankfest.com. and make sure you check at the end with Irish Shafir. Go to punchup.com. Live for all my dates. I'm going to be doing a special thing in Boston this week.

And after that, I'm in Cleveland. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.