The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Moontower Comedy Festival 2022 Part 1. (feat. Jessica Kirson)

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

The Bonfire is live from The Moontower Comedy Festival at the historic Antone's in Austin, Texas with Jessica Kirson! Part 1Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayOakerson.com@JessyKirson www.Jessica Kirson.com

Welcome to the first Moon Tower just for laughs Austin comedy festival brought to you by the Paramount theater And now the bonfire with big Jay Okresin and Dan Soder live from the Moon Tower comedy festival in Austin, Texas Pumped him arms Jacob you better fucking soak it up. We didn't get the play rush Jacob bullied us into that intro song. Just an hour and a half ago, he bullied us right into it. We're like, oh, we'll do workin' man, that'll be fun. And he's like, no. Well, here's really what happened.

Was last bonfire live, I guess we technically bullied Jacob into using the hilarious alien voice that he didn't want to use at all. And it was a thing, it made it back to the patat family hub up. And so today when he was like, we do children of the grave, me and Dan looked at each other, both making no face and went, yeah. Sure you can, buddy. So that's Joseph the Great, brought to you by Jacob Atatat, everybody. Executive producer. Yeah, give him a...

Oh, yeah. Give him a howdy. Don't just give him a howdy, give him a one better than that, and go get a fucking campaign from the bar. Who's gonna fight with their significant other tonight? Woo! If you thought you could put an irresponsible amount of wine in a can, you can.

Oh, by Jacob's calculations, I'm gonna drink two bottles of wine on this stage right now. I just want to let everyone know that when I separate Jane, Christine, I'll do so fairly. Well, not if she plays right. What kind, what flavor are you drinking? One of the two. Well, are you drinking the Kiwi Strawberry or are you going to be a problem? No, no, yeah, no, it's the Rose A. This is the problem one, yeah. I can't wait to talk to the bartenders tomorrow and they're like, what was that stuff?

We're in Texas and that was a problem. This felt like the Old West. This is a fucking great, great, great show we have playing for this crowd. Now you guys came on a big... Yeah, we have been back full crew since the virus. So it's nice to be back in Austin with Jacob. Jacob's a Todd everybody. Oh, we should have shot off everybody.

Give them their kudos. Jacob a Todd to everyone. The Wrangler. Christine Marie Evans back where she belongs. Yeah. Our black king, the black tiger, Lewis. And of course, DJ Lewitsky. When a dick's not getting hard, he's going to be like, And of course DJ Lewitsky! Woo!

When a dick's not getting hard, you can see my fucking annoying. But I'm supposed to suck your dick for an hour. Get hard, get hard. Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Boom, boom. I didn't even know that was. It's fucking wrong.

Boom, boom. Boom, boom. I didn't even know that was. It's fucking wrong. Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, know, I didn't feel until right now, it's necessary to say, my dick gets hard. She's not talking about me. I love that there's a drop that makes you defend yourself every time. Hey, whoa!

She said, what am I going to suck your flap and dick for now? I'm like, it's not me, she's talking about it. I'm just saying, like, she's talking about generally. Good lord. Did I see her phone and you're in there as noodle king? I got it. Yeah, I think I talk. I also want to say what's up to Chris Rogers doing an awesome painting.

Chris Rogers, I'm doing a fucking live painting which rules. He is. I'm drinking a non-alcoholic called Buckler. Sure you are. I mean, that's back.coholic called Buckler. Sure you are. I've been back. I've been back. He has the bottle says. Yeah.

Me, I'm drinking a fucking bottle of can wine. I don't know what the measurements are. Jacob, did the venue already carry it? Or did your brother send it down? Oh, he sent it down just for the show. Did you ride a stack of it down here on a fucking wagon? So you're snake oil, you piece of shit. I'm just heading to Austin to sell some of this wine and a can.

Is your lady getting annoying? One or not to be annoying? It's talk a lot. Juice. What do you, a wallflower? Get out of there. Start dancing. Do they have both kinds here, Jacob? Yeah, it's a rosé and a peach mimosa. So peach mimosa, if you're like underage or something, probably I dig into that.

Peach mimosa, if you want to wake up tomorrow and not fucking wonder if you have a criminal record. Can I say something, kind of a humble moment here? Yeah, do it. As I sit here, this is Young Caleb. He was, we met yesterday. And I was having so much fun at the comedy jam yesterday. You get so swept up in your song. So swept up.

My Jason loves this sing. I got a song in my heart, and I got a lead in it. Out. I just stand in the back, I say sing Jason. I can't I can't. Caleb's here his lovely girlfriend and me and Josh broke into our you know our favorite the uh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-duh-ba-duh-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-duh-ba-duh-duh-duh-ba-duh-ba-duh-duh-ba-duh-d I was just pointing at people and I made a joke apparently about this beautiful young lady having a cock possibly. And even after the show, she was like, I didn't like that. And I was like, what's she talking about? Christine's like, you said she had a cock. I'm like, I did? I don't even know I did. So sincere, so apologies, Miss. You're gorgeous, I'm sure you know,

if you did have a cock, I'd suck it. It's a party, man. It's a party, man. What are we doing? Are we party? Are we party? Oh, do we forget to? Should we announce?

Do we throw it? Do we throw it to him? What? He's been here for so long. Oh, was it Big Jim? Big Jim's here. Oh, well, you can't address the boss like that? We can't call him Big Jim here.

No, I mean, we can't bring him on Mike. I don't want him getting angry at us. No, I was gonna put him on Mike. I was gonna say hello and let the crowd know who big Jim was. This is a guy. He's a big Jim. He's walked by us. The person you sent all your emails to when you want to get by. That's him, everybody. That's the man that's gonna bring buns and basketball to New York City. Finally, that is the first promise to bring buns in basketball to the big apple Josh the great the fuck you doing here in cowboy clothes oh My god, you told me to come by you said it's cowboys. You said you needed the number one homie here

And these are all my homies Josh again. You got to stop fucking crowbar and that didn't everything. No, that's my thing, dude. What's up, my homies? Also, we dress like cowboys, but it didn't mean that. Yeah, I said we're dressing like cowboys and come by and watch the bonfire. You came as a cowboy to be a part of the bonfire. You know, psycho, that is, that's like showing up at a Yankees game

and a Yankees jersey and trying to get on the field. You know what? It's not even like a jersey. It's like wearing Yankees full uniform. Come on, coach, man, a jiboon. Yeah. Got him away, jeeter. Oh, God, you brought that with him.

Everybody, make sure you come check out Josh tonight at the God damn comedy, jam. I'm not that with him. Everybody make sure you come check out Josh tonight at the Goddamn Comedy Jam. This was my bet. This is all they gave me this is here. Josh. Oh, so all we gave you this year? I am so sorry. Get out of here.

This is fucking huge. You're gonna say shit, your country will be here. Don't you want to be my Jake Gyllenhaal to my Heath Ledger? We already got those two rules covered. Beat it. All right. I love you guys. Last time I was in Josh Adam Myers.

Go check out the 500 podcast tomorrow. In the comments. I promise, if someone says you have a dick tonight, it won't be me. Telling you, man, Josh, he's one of the only ones that can handle that fucking improv music jokes. Yeah. I start fukling.

Yeah, that's how calm people what they are they are look you with your stupid fucking fat face And you're like oh god. Oh my god stop. I got us I can't sing it I tend to rhyme too much. Did you have a bad night Caleb after I said you had a penis She fucked a shit. You prove that right? She's that feeling a dick. I didn't feel like a dick does it Look at me in my eyes. Does that feel like a dick. I didn't feel like a dick, does it? Just look at me in my eyes. Does that feel like a dick? You're like, how are you inside my dick right now? No, but it is a larger than average clip. Shut up, you piece of shit.

Damn, dude, I never thought about that. You just joking around and a lady being like, hey, I don't have a car. I don't remember saying it. She was mortified, apparently. They say when I said it, and by the way, I do remember the part of the song it was because we were jumping into a chorus.

So I even gave it to Scabby. So I'm like, yeah, does this girl have a dick? Everybody! So when everyone jumps in, they said she just went, oh, yeah. How terrible. I find that out. It's been bothering me all day since.

He really brought it up. He was like, dude, I'm going to find that lady and apologize to her. And I was like, like, dude, I'm gonna find that lady and apologize to her and I was like, damn, dude, if Jay's saying that? I'm sorry, take a victory, Lab. Show your pus. Show your pus.

Show it up here. Get up, huh? Why don't you have I to laugh? Let's let everybody find out what's going on down there. Let's end the mystery. The next Monday, you hear us be like, we're no longer allowed to be back at the end, guys. Apparently there's a Texas law about showing pus.

Yeah, what's that about? We weren't giving her a seven-week abortion up here or anything. Yeah, we weren't cleaning the inside, just showing the outside. Just the surface cleaning. So you need... We weren't taking out the vacuum bag. Is that not cool? That one wasn't cool. That was totally cool.

Thank you, back. Oh man, this can't wind rocks. That's what you should have blamed it on. You should have been like, I'm sorry I said you had a penis. I was six campaigns in. Now, I was three bottles of wine in. That campaign wasn't here last night. That was straight water in adrenaline.

That was just Josh making you sing Joe. You got drunk on it. And as to calm women men, I get it. At a control god damn it. It's been such an amazing, we've had a hell of a week. Kid Rock is not my best friend, but I shook his hand. Kid Rock didn't befriend any of the comedians. It was the funniest thing he could have done.

He came in and said hello to everybody and then went, and any of the comedians. It was the funniest thing he could have done. He came in and said hello to everybody, and then went, I'm not gonna sit in this green room. I have my own green room. Yeah, and then he went to the bar with everybody afterwards, and all of us stood outside of a circle that was outside of his circle doing this. Just pacing back and forth like,

he's gonna probably come say hi because I was so good on the show probably. He never did. He left like he looks like he's supposed to. I turned around and he was gone and I laughed out loud. I was worried for you because I thought for sure that Shane and him were gonna become best friends and you were gonna see them like through a window laughing.

Like best friends and just the rain. And the rain. Or you go out front and change there and you go, listen I gotta get out of here then Kid Rock pulls up and he gets in the car. Shane, I'm not waiting forever. I didn't want to leave too far before Shane so I kept saying that when we're leaving I'm like you get out of here too. Yeah.

You get out of here too right? Where are you going after here? Yeah, track you. Why'd you hear something back here, rock or something, doing something? Now, who know, rap rock goes to bed at 1030. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I thought that.

2022, rap rock does. I thought rap rock never sleeps. Now, 1999, rap rock never sleeps. 2022, rap rock takes multiple vitamins. Oh, yeah. And there's a hot yoga class at 9 a.m. Yeah. He'll just be ruined for that.

That was fucking cool though. Being at the Ryman, we got to do this R.H.F. your storytelling show. Fuck yeah, dude. R.H.F. Yeah, it was great, Sal Volcano. Man, remember what the Nate's house and all felt bad about our lives?

You guys should get a rich friend that makes you feel bad. Oh, and there's always something bigger in the works. You're like, nice poolies, like, yeah, we're trying to finish that up so we can get the runway out back. Not a tent, dude. He goes, that's, you know, money can't really burn that well. And you go, how do you know?

Are you just burning money? It's crazy that it meets the mayor of Nashville. We went to his golf simulator and took some swipes at it. It was pretty fun. You heard that correctly. Golf Simulator. He has a golf simulator. He has a golf simulator.

Like a fucking Dave and Busters in his garage. This is a guy that I used to know that always wore the same Apple Beast T-shirt under all of his Vanderbilt baseball shirts. And he's like, hey, you won't step on out into a little VR? The Christine trying to hit the golf ball looked like someone who was in a motorcycle accident going through physical therapy. She made no, there was no contact whatsoever. She was so far from it.

I would tell you if Christine was an animal, she'd be dead by predator. Without a doubt, she took off swing like, one of them was like, at it, like she was angry, like she wanted to hit it down. We should have filmed it. We really should have filmed it. I would have been shaky with how much I was laughing at what she you know when someone gives up on the form because she did first she tried like the the back a couple times and then by the end she was just trying to be like can I just hit it off the thing at all and she never touched it. I ended up hitting that ball. You hit it eventually sure. No I walked up after her. You hit it eventually, sure.

No, I walked up after her. Oh, the ball shouldn't hit. Yeah, she walked away frustrated. And then when you hit it, she goes, let me get another whack at that. And then just did a whole other series, a crazy shit. It was like that ball. There it is.

Good job, Christine, that is clean. What if she just would have stepped up and started dropping bombs? What would your big thing be? We should go on in the crew on this one. You get that kind of you get golf simulator money You get late money. It's the thing you do get a full on wrestling ring and my garage Guess who's doing a moonsault by fucking fall Good luck. You know how much money it's gonna cost get a luchador mask for this head

You've got literally one friend in the world who will come over and full-blown wrestle with you. Yeah, guess what? I'm gonna, yeah, and if he stops being able to take bumps, I'll get new friends. He's not gonna stop taking bumps. He's gonna think you're in a real fight, and he's gonna try to do some wrestling ring would be your move.

No, I'm kidding. I didn't think so. I thought you meant it. No, right? Yeah. I didn't get no use besides me running on the road. No, I was gonna say, I see it night though when you're frustrated. You just go, I'll be down in the ring.

You just walk around and just do a couple of like... Cut, cut, Promo's on, cut Promo's on Katie in the middle of the ring. We're argument. You do the full of me till you're something Katie. I did shut the cabinet doors. Do you do the thing when you grab the ropes? Yeah, I do the thing when I stretch my bag. Dude, hell yeah, you should have that.

A domestic fucking, a ring to cut domestic promos. Oh man, that would be fucking fantastic. Black little, what's the thing you would buy if you had fuck you money? Nape money, it's specific. A working microphone? Working a microphone. I probably start like a little marijuana crop in my backyard. What? Yeah. That's the blackest thing you've ever seen. Fuck yeah. With fuck you money you start a crop.

It's like you got to turn that flip it. You got to get more money man. You got to re-up flip it. Give it around. I around. I know, Jacob's gonna do something like, I hope he'll get one of those farms where they make horses fucking make more horses. I would buy three studs. Yeah, I have to go collect jizz from a steed. Oh, who let them work here? Oh, he's going off.

Here's a airplane going by. I do want my Colorado ranch that I dream about and I have my fence that I have to fix and my horse is yes. But I also, and this is, this is like super FU money, I always wanted a 116th sinking Titanic that I could redo over and over in my home. What? Like you said, crazy, like absurd. Like what is, Nate doesn't need a golfing thing. I don't need the Titanic, but I would like one that I'd like to.

You're gonna get a 116th Titanic? Just the bow or the stair. Jacob. Jacob. You're saying, if you have a bottomless Jacob, you're saying at the point. Bottomless money we're saying. You're saying, you're saying at the point. Oh, that is kind of cool if you had a giant pool in your garage.

Bottomless money, on a high ground. So platythanic every night. Yes. But Jacob, you buy, that's a puzzle. What, you buy a puzzle? No, but you invite friends over and then. Do you see your friends are coming over for that? It's him.

Now, they're coming over, but they're coming over concerned about you. More friends, more friends are coming over to my. It's him. Now they're coming over but they're coming over concerned about you more friends more friends are coming over to my house to get power bombs I disagree. I think there's many more No, Noah got less weird looks in the Bible. I Mean you asked Sorry, sorry, I don't have some rock and roll dream like you. I didn't even say what mine would be Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha These are two attainable things like your wallet chain. Oh that hurts Jacob it is this weird you'd buy a 16 Titanic that is I said by a big model Why wouldn't you pay to go down and look at the Titanic in a submarine?

Because it's morally wrong. You shouldn't go down there Why I forgot that Jacob's trying to save the coral. Yes. Don't fuck on coral. You'll make Jacob mad. Damages the ship. It that it damages the ship. It's it's broken and under water. Yes. Well you could they could fix it. So it stays doesn't collapse any further which is what I want. Why? Oh what do that with my FU money? I Don't think we're making me some money. We could probably make that dream come true for you

I'm gonna we could go for it. Oh, yeah, we can go for a bottle of a boat Look, I'm working this out live on the air. I didn't know. All right. That is fair On the Lewitsky what would you spend with a pool of campaign? That's a good start, and then I would... Growing my own Eddie veteran, the garage. Yeah, I got a vial of veteran spit around my neck. I've followed Pearl Jam around. Don't you already do this?

You can't have the fuck you money dreams of a 16-year-old. Dude, that's insane. You follow them, or are you even following her now? year old dude that's insane You follow them or you can follow them right now Who's like I'll get my belly pierced? Yeah Buy a jetta Stay at the four seasons once I gotta see what that room service is all about

You do nothing different if you had a few money You do the same thing you're doing would you? Yep, that's right, baby Lou Can we make it an object? It can't just be these ideas you have If you have fuck you money Lou's gonna start a weed farm you what was your crazy thing again Jack? You want to build a little Titanic? 116th Titanic On a hydraulic thing.

So that you can play out morality plays each night. See who knows what everyone's going to do. Jesus Christ, you got actually pretty fun night on Tuesday. The band didn't play until the ship sat. Yeah. On turn of events. Are you gonna charge people to come to this? No, these are my friends, my celebrity friends. No.

Unless you do it's a weird group sex. I don't think celebrity friends will go to a... I don't know what you're offering at the end of this rainbow, but it's gotta be better than just hey friends come over and reenact titanic with. Yeah. But this is more sensible than like Johnny Depp's a few money, right? I feel like I'm... No, he bought an island in Hot Young Pussy, dude.

Well, I thought that was a given, but... Oh, you're saying, with the tiny Titanic, comes the pussy. Godchew. Godchew. My sincere so of power. That's a bit... It's a 16th, but it's still a big power. Yeah, yeah. He goes, you get that boat going down, Got you my sincere so it goes it's a 16th, but it's still a big bow He goes you get that boat going down before he knows he's going down

Everyone's getting on my mast. Yeah, oh yeah, but her what would you do with your fucking money? What would you get Jacob puzzled me so much? I don't even think of what I was gonna say at all I gave no thought to this when you said you said it, Crush Pussy, what you're rocking while money. You know, when you a Jacob start fighting like a Mary cobble. I love him so much. Private plane, so I could shit in the air. Oh, like not drop shit out of the air. Whatever, I don't care where it goes after it comes out of me. That fucking Dave Matthews at shit.

Yeah, remember when Dave Matthews man spilled all that shit on people? Where we at, we hug an Iceland, let it go. I feel like rich people should do that. And people would be more mad about private jets. Just dropping their shit out of the shop. If you shit up there it just drops out and hits whatever it's over. I bet people would be like, I'm not down with proper jets anymore. If someone take, let's take a log of shit, we smoked pot.

Let's take a log of shit, you say. Done. Drop it out of an airplane. Yeah. You think when it hits earth, it's anything? It's coming in fucking hot. It's coming in hot. You think it's like a quarter?

You think of some snook as just standing on the street and a turd and pales him from head to ass hole? And then it comes ironically out of his ass? Whoa! Switch! It's my nightmare. Count it! Do you remember this talking to someone who had a shit broke through their neck?

Or they're like, You had to do a slug! Turned ties. Oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh. There's a cashew. Yeah, just, just, arc. This is you up in a fucking G7.

Oh. Oh. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, that feels nice. Well, we got a great show. We have a fucking very fun thing lined up. Pfft. I don't want to give away what it is. I think I'm due for another campaign.

We got more shows after this though. Huh? You're drinking a campaign like you're gonna take a post show nap. It's wine, dude. We call that a, we call that a trish in the biz. Wow, dude. We've had too much wine and you got to pop back up. It's Rose.

Me and Christina are going to get fake eyelashes between shows. I would love if you fuck a show up in the jam with just some... Oh, hi guys. They're extensions, they're not fake. We're hanging out of the antels, we're going to take our first break, we'll be right back. Moon Tower! It's the Bonfire!

Moon Tower, bonfire! Moon Tower, bonfire. Who dare bap-bap? Swenny, is everyone else so hot? Is that campaign getting you all flushed? I don't know, I need another one. We'll find out. No, it is delicious though. It's pretty great. Everybody has a drink in it, though. It's pretty great. Have you guys are drinking it right?

It's pretty great. You know, guess all right. Let's you want to bring it But that's a peach mimosa. Why you give me that? Damn dude, she just told you you can't handle your shit Wow Starke is super fucked up, Christy start the goddamn show show back up. Let's just come back to the show. We hit the good shit. And now, back to the bonfire with Big J. O'Courson and Dan Soder, live from the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin, Texas.

Welcome back to the bonfire, live at Moon Tower, Series XM, Factor Talk 103. Up to answer it, that's Big J. O'Courson. Full crew here. I'm happy. Chris Rogers doing some Peyton. Woo. Oh, oh, oh. I think I'd be like, where that's going.

I like where that's going right now. How's your peach wine light? What the fuck was that? Your lady doesn't think you can handle your canned wine. I had one can of wine. Why are you thinking I need to be curved? Do you think he's gonna, like, tell me how much? Do you think he's gonna get emotional?

No, I just wanted to switch it up so you can have both flavors. That's a lie. I know. I know. I know. That's a lie. That's a nice thing where she's like, no, you could totally drink another has a. I haven't hit you above the neck since I've been drinking canned alcohol.

Yeah. Guess what though? Your boy gets fuck you money, watch, bring it over to the ring, throw it in a shirt. Oh hell yeah. That's all above board. If I get fuck you money, I'm getting Christine Ninja lessons, and then I'm gonna fight her. Dude, if you have her enough train and then actually fight her,

that kind of fuck you money. If she could might win. Oh, to do that would be great. And then I spend more money to have another girl fuck her up. It's a vicious cycle of wasted money. We have our guest today is one of our favorite comedians, one of our favorite guests, one of our favorite people. She is absolutely fucking hilarious.

Catch her at this festival, see her live whenever you can. Please welcome Jessica Kerson, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Deep in the heart of Texas. Let it sit between you, between us, Dan. What? Oh. You should sit in the corner, yes. Yes.

I love that song. Nobody puts Danny in the corner. Hi, everyone. Hi, guys. Hi, Sarah. And Jessica. Hi. I hope you don't mind my new interviewing pose. It's a tight cross leg with a peach from Osaka. Why? Because I'm wearing cowboy attire and drinking a little gay. I am a little gay not everyone, but. Dance now, he's all man. No, I'm a little gay.

Are you? Are you really? Where do you find it? Just like in boys. Have you ever had an experience? No. No? Well, you said too fast, you're fine.

No, no. No. No, and if Paul is hearing this, please keep that to yourself. Never just a lick? No. Not even a lick. Not even a lick. You had a lick? No. Not even a lick. Not even a lick. You had a lick?

No. But I was going to try to act like it was normal so you could say yes. You didn't do your junior high fuck it suck off? Yeah. You and your friends never talk to each other's dicks until you came. Not once. Not one time that ever happened to you. You and your best friend told me that.

You and your best friend never try to hump each other on the front. Both many chose opinions that's come in your pants. That's never happened. you. You're the best friend. Tell me that. You and your best friend never try to help each other on the front. Both many chose penises come in your pants. That's never happened. Oh, you're the one guy. You're the one guy who's never done that. Well guess what? Next time you go through, try growing up in America. We try fuck other boys here.

You've had straight experiences, right? Me? Oh, a ton. I was in a blackout every time. Was there any good? I was always in a blackout. I sucked a ton of dick. Yeah, I was like, Jessica told me she sucks great dick.

I do, because I'm an eater. So I love when it goes deep. Was there ever a point where you're like, I could do this? I don't mind sleeping with men. I never minded it. I just couldn't fall in love with a man. But I would get turned on by men. Okay. Yeah, I was interested by that Yeah, I just couldn't fall in love with a man, but I but I usually drank and got really fucked up when I was with men I went to university in Maryland and I slept with a lot of men there go turps. Yeah

Yeah, I was in a sorority Oh really? Yeah, so I went to a lot of frapp partiesies. Did you? I could fall in love with a man, but I could never fuck him. Yeah. I totally get that. I feel like that's kind of what we are. That's a step. That is kind of what you guys are. I love you too.

Oh, this is the most disgusting. Every time I fuck. Now, I really enjoy fucking Christine. But I'm done fucking Christine. I have my leg and arm draped over. And we're just taking off, watching Hulu together. I was like, I wish this was Dan. Oh, that's beautiful.

Christine, don't take offense. I do more voices. He does. And I can make all my references and he'll get them all. That is so funny. Do you like coming down to Austin? You like to? This is, I love performing here.

I love it. I mean, I would move here if I could, but I have 17 children and seven baby mamas, so I can't leave New York, but I love it here. I love that you're the Sean Kemp of comedy. I do. I'm a rapper. You like Scott Skiles.

Get out of here. Just leave your family. Come down to Texas is the place you leave your family for. I may leave everyone. Yeah, deadbeat mom your family. Yeah, I think I might Are there a lot of deadbeat moms? Yes. Yeah, I mean you mean in there's more and more now and straight relationships Yeah, I mean if it's a lesbian couple breaks up with the kids someone could be a deadbeat mom for sure So a lesbian couple breaks up with kids, someone could be a deadbeat mom for sure. Yeah, I don't think a lot of lesbian stick around because they're really fucked up. Lesbians are really, it's not easy.

I wish I didn't need box to be honest with you. Really? It's really tiring and fucking annoying. You don't feel like it's exhausting to be a lesbian. It's not as like a lot of straight women are like, I wish I could e-box and be a lesbian, but it's really not what you think it is. It's a lot of work. Dude, I love that you talk about eating pussy,

like it's driving an old car. You're like, when you're doing it, great. But just walk away. No, I love it. I love it. It is like starting an old car, because every girl's got to get different. You have to like knock on the starter with a hammer first and you've got to give it two pumps

with the thing. It's a show. It's Shelby 65. You've got to put your fingers under the hood. Yeah. It goes, I don't know why, but if you just hit that starter with a hammer, it gives it a taste. Also, do you tell Lesby and Cumb like they're being started?

Especially Jewish ones. Hell, lesbians come like they're being started. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Especially Jewish ones. Ah! Ah! Ah! Yeah. Mm, yeah. What are you looking on the inside of the good stuff's outside?

And when you got a mouthful of puss, it sounds like a car starting, you're like, mm, mm, mm, mm. Both people. You got to spin up. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. It's funny hearing a girl try to talk during a blow job, but trying to make anything or talking Both people. You gotta spin up. Ha ha ha ha. Buh. I got a thirthough. Duh.

I got a thirthough. Are you mentally retarded or licking box? Oh no, I did. Jessica, how old were you the first thing you had? You're not allowed to say that word, dad. I'm fucking toast, dude. You're not gonna say that. I'm so old.

They're gonna fucking shoot me to Dallas. I won't read the first time you had pussy eating the whole thing sex with a woman? Oh, the first time I had the whole thing- The whole shaman- Not just kissing and- 21. 21 years old?

Yeah, but I started like fingering and all that other shit at like, maybe nine, ten. Nine? No! Figuring out the girls. What were you? Fucking friends with my little two friends? That's fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, I filled around with all my friends,

but we all played house and shit. Did anyone else do that? Oh, Jesus Christ. They're lies. They're lies. They sexually abuse the whole town. Oh no. Who gives a shit?

Just a little bit more. Just a little bit more. Just a little bit more. Hey, Lisa, you're coming over today to play house. I didn't finger all of them. There's the way we play house. I shove this into you. You make me a fool.

All right, that was a good dinner. And we watched TV, Tarn to go to a adult bed now. You play a teacher, and I fuck you with a ruler. Now, I didn't finger all of them. I think I fingered one or two. But other ones, we just play with each other's boobs. Why are we talking about it? I find it interesting.

Because, you know, boys, we're trying to get Christine wet. I can't get Christine wet without talking about this. No, sorry. I'm trying to get hard. I don't know if you heard this, but Christine won't deal with a soft dick. She won't give it more than three seconds. She doesn't have time for it.

Oh, really? You have to get hard beforehand? She literally said she has like a internal clock. No she said if she says if a guy is not in her life. If a guy has not gotten hard. First of all if he's not hard immediately when he pulls it out she's bummed and if she has to work at all to make an adult who's seen pussy and gotten blown before. Yeah. She has to work for a minute. She's like, it's starting to sound like it's me, but it's not.

It's just personal. I just told her she's been mean to people before. Right. She barks at him. So what do you do to get hard? You like watch Shin Mars list? Like what do you do? He's like one more.

I could have gotten five more. He's like, yeah, he's good. He you guys know, I don't kick it hard anymore. Someone showed me the end. I know. It's such a it's such a let down. Yeah, all the sexy stuff in the middle. I know the ditches. That's the best part. Coming out of the toilets. Tell you what, this is fucked up, but it's true. Even a movie like Shindler's list, when you're watching horrific horrors happen

to a group of people like that, watching this a kid, you still go, that's nudity though. That's true. I don't know if you do for that long, I don't. And it still didn't make me not wanna eat that. I wasn't like that. I watched that and I still fucked my face with food. That's so funny, you leave me behind.

I can't really know I just laughed at that. That I watched the camps and still over eight. Dorian, do you think that three are parents off when you saw that and you go, can we go get some to eat at least? Yeah, I feel like can we still go to friendlies after I watched the fucking camps? Oh, the room.

That didn't get left because a lot of people don't know Jews here, that would have killed in Chicago. No. You would have done that up north? Would they have carried you out of this room? No, they'd laugh at themselves. You know, we've learned to laugh. Schindler's list isn't a fiction section.

This blockbuster. They don't even know, yeah, a lot of people don't even know Jews here. That's in the sci-fi section. Yeah. They think you're talking about a fucking quarterback from UT or some shit. Yeah, a lot of people here are here like what happened to the Jews?

Yeah, they were taken away Grow up a Colorado I knew very few Jewish people I knew like three Jewish people Yeah, they had the best toys. The don'tger the lawyer and the accountant. Yes, where they in town Numbers, outchies and houses Doctors for sure out cheese You don't have a Jewish kid in the neighborhood with great toys? Yeah, Andy Cohen. Shout out Andy Cohen.

Like I had all the dress at Mark Toys as they came out. We had great toys. Here's the thing. And the Jewish kids really did it. Everyone looked at toys. I'm really getting burned up about this. Yeah, he's fucking Jews really. That's a good, good term to use. Burned up about this. Oh, I'm getting getting burned up about this. Yeah, he's fucking Jews really do that great toys. That's a good term to use burned up about this.

I'm getting the hot. Fucking great, thanks. I'm all gas chambered up about this shit. Yeah. I'm gonna tell you right now. Yeah. Wow, I need a shower. Yeah.

But a real one. Now one of those poohies and ones. Well, cut my pecker and give it a kiss. Yeah, did he have great trains? Great choice. Well cut my pecker and give it a kiss. Yeah, did he have great trains? Great train, pull train set. When a train runs late, do you say where's Hitler when you need him? Whoa, if that guy did one thing, he got those trains running on time. Well, you know what he got an idea what he would do if they weren't.

Oh boy. We always end up here don't we? Always about the Holocaust or anal. My act always goes to any of those. And eating pussy. We're like hogging dogs. We have like two flavors. What do you want to talk about? Mask genocide? You want to talk about the last sex. Jessica, have you ever seen a vagina when you saw them person that you were like doing it? You did doing it? You did it past? Oh, I've never done it past because I'm a codependent, but I have seen some that are a fucking nightmare and I went in anyway. Yeah, well I don't think I've ever walked on something that was disappointing looking in the last minute. I assume I'm disappointing

looking at the last minute. Oh, I'm disappointing looking at the last minute. Oh, yeah. There's an angle. I think I may have told you before, but there was a girl one time and she was taking her pants off. She goes, I probably should tell you, I was involved in a fire.

And then her inner thighs and pussy looked like Freddie Krueger face, dude. Damn. I did it. What did it look like? Damn. Because that's what let you know. They pulled me out of a fire when I was eight and there's a problem. Yeah. I'm like, what are they like?

They let your chair on fire? Why you sitting on it? Did you know you can cauterize a vagina shut? She goes, there's a different hole though you can fuck. Yeah. Oh no! Wait, wait, wait. No, they're like, Puss looks like Mel Gibson and man without a face. It does. It did. It did were like, Puss looks like Mel Gibson and man without a face. It does, it did.

It did. Wait, back the fuck up. There was an eye and you could see teeth through it. You had an eye? No, no. Now just her legs and outer vagina looked like Freddy Krueger for Tyler. Oh no, all right.

We all have to be grateful for what we have. Why, that we don't have the souls of children that we've killed coming out of our Pussies? Yeah, all right. We all have to be grateful for what we have. Why, that we don't have the souls of children that we've killed coming out of our busses? Yeah, I guess. If you want to find, join the little things. You guys want to hear something? You guys want to hear something fun? One time I did fuck the chick with psoriasis.

That's true? Yeah. And you can see the big rough patches. I could see the patches and I had to work around. Oh, really? Oh, wow. Oh, don't judge me. Jesus Christ. Oh, don't judge me. Jesus Christ. Oh, don't you judge me. You drink

three dollar to cocktails for a week straight. Dan, if you don't have your wiener wrapped around some tits with some. Oh, my God. Did you try to batch your own the patches and say this might soften them up? I rub it in, see if it does me. Yeah. Kinda looks like lotion. Oh, you're so much better than us. Did you have like a ball of like Parmesan cheese? Yeah. Like what? What? I find this so funny.

Yeah. I was like, yeah, you know, I looked at it. I was like, we can work with this. Holy shit. That's very drunk. I'm still stuck on this vagina that came out of a fire. Yeah. I'm sorry.

I should have asked her what was the circumstances? It was only there. In the vagina and leg air. In her thighs. I think there was a whole thing. I think it was Christine laughing. Like she jumped on a horse. She didn't know it was on fire or something.

Oh my. I don't know how else it could have happened. I was eating her pussy and burned himself alive or something. Was a guy trying to eat pussy and breathe fire at the same time? Where he goes, do I see something cool? I think I was already in the... I think I was already in the position to eat her pussy when I got presented and I was like, yeah. I think I was already in the position to eat her pussy

when I got presented and I was like, oh, and then I just kept my face close and just did that with the finger the whole time. Oh, that's smart. That's kind of, that's smart. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But I gotta be honest, I didn't want the thighs to collapse on my face, because I would've went,

ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. I wish I could tell you I'm more adult than that but I would have been like, I get you don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't weird weeners? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I put on average probably there's more weird weeners than like bust it up, you know, buses. Did I like the way you're sitting on that cat? You're really sitting in that cat. She's fucking sucking. Now you, what's happening? I'm not stupid.

I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid. Maybe I spoke to Joey with my friend Jay before the show. Yeah, you really don't think it's, I don't want to go to school anymore. You know what's funny is that look like that girl in the marijuana. Yeah, this stuff stuck to the check out. This sport's spoken of joy does, I'm flat.

What's the craziest dick you've ever seen Jessica? Well, it's not crazy, it was very small. I mean, it was very small. It was the size of my pink. It was abnormal. And I'm not making fun. Yeah, it's kind of blessed. It was amazing.

You know, they might have access to a firearm. Did you try? Well, I had sex with him, and I didn't feel a thing. It's got to make a guy feel bad. I feel like you'd see a tick like that, and you're like, light work. Let's go. Yeah. Yeah, I felt... You could suck this dick while doing it. You could learn the recorder on the other side of your mouth.

Yeah, you could just suck onums and I'm doing that load. Oh my God, I feel sick. You guys make me laugh so hard. Oh, I think it's still in me. I don't know. I... I'm a micro-piee. He's got to make you feel bad when a woman who prefers a whole instead of a dick thinks your dick is little

Well, that was before It was right before that may have what the cherry on it instead of it's BC before you know Before That was Jessica Kyrsten BC That was Jessica Kyrsten BC. Forkus. Do you have a preference of a- Do you please lesbians can you start calling it that? Kus.

Kus, do you start saying you were BC? Before Kus? Yeah, before Kus. Oh, that was BC. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I don't want to leave the show. What do you got next? I'm co-headlining with Rachel Feinstein. Oh yeah. That's all that Jews in Texas.

I know. I hope Henry Winkler comes to the show. He loves you. He loves me. I love the fun. Yeah, he's fucking obsessed. He heard me on serious radio and he's been following me and retweeting me for years.

That's so fun. I know. He's like, he'll tweet like, go see Jessica and Bridgeport. Like, it's so fucking fun. Hey! Also on the send the Fonducci twins. I wish he was my father.

I wouldn't have been heavy my whole life. But. Yes, yes. So, he's caring. He just hugged me. And I think I was my father. I wouldn't have been heavy my whole life, but Mrs. Kaye he just hugged me and I think I was healed he hugged me in a hotel He's the nicest person. I love Harry Winkler. Oh, Harry Yeah, dude, you sure do love him. I fucking love Harry. Oh, you're very dude. I'm like fan of Stefan Spielberg, too Big fan of Stefan Spielberg too. He teased? Just Stephanie Spiel. I thought you said Stephanie Spielberg. Oh yeah, whatever it is.

Oh no, you guys did it. Yeah, grandma's over. I love Franz. I love the Franz. Ah, Franzi. The character. I suck his dick if he got me on Barry. Oh, yeah, Henry Winkler see I would that'd be pretty great I love the pretty great just to see you on Barry. Yeah Really are relaxed right now

Yeah, you're gonna sit up. I'm sorry guys. Who cares? I mean these couches are great. They really are fantas better than my house Yeah, they're supposed to give you uncomfortable couches Yeah, so we lean forward and stay present. I forgot you guys were here, you know what? I'm gonna song out for 15 just you know let me know in the third. Yeah, I'll snooze it Just you missed the thing last night. I made a joke about this woman having Yeah, look at that. I love that. I love that Jay's apologize,

but he keeps bringing it back up. What did he say to that? Just so you know, this woman here doesn't have a penis at all. This who doesn't have a penis? That woman right there. You don't have a penis? Nope.

Are you upset about that? No, I accused her of last night. Why? It rhymed with something else. All right. I was singing a song. Okay, that's all right. You never wanted to penis. The only reason why I ever wanted to penis was to shut a woman up. Right, shoving her mouth. Just to show you right now there is someone's mouth that I was in a relationship with. Yeah, sometimes. So stop telling the same story

over and over and over again. Yeah, you can't do that. You can't just put your penis around. I want you though. I do. If she was a girl with a penis, you could. What? A girl with a penis could do that. Yeah. Yeah. How? What do you stand up and put it in their mouth? Yeah, I just have that fantasy of just shut the fuck up and just slamming it into someone's face. I know that sounds so horrible. You could do that with a strap on. It'll be pretty funny. I I should do that while she's talking, you're putting on this crazy contraption. You're just standing there going, uh-huh.

Yep. There we go. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You're looking at different sizes. You're looking at the, you're twisting it on like a sniper rifle. You're looking at different sizes like a socket wrench is. What's that?

Two in a quarter. Four and three eggsrenches. What's that two-and-a-quarter? Four and three eggs Yeah, I think that's my guy I think that's my guy right there That curves up that's good Hey, a hun I do physical comedy now That was amazing what you just did. I had fun. Oh, Dan, do the thing where you talk to your butt. Do the talk out of your butt thing,

you keep saying you're gonna start doing it. The people listening, I heard it. Hi everybody. Hi, is it? Is this ripping off a basement tour? Uh-oh, back at the couch. Oh, no, the sink. The sink got him.

Guys, relax, fit, dance, have it. The people listening on the radio will love that visual. Oh my God, it crushes with people in their hearts when they have died. I'll tell you, if you took a picture of Dan right now, you can photoshop him into a hammock. Real easy right now. Dan's in hammock.

Yeah. Holding hammock, hold it. Dan's in Cowboy C. Estimose. Yeah. All right. If you don't mind, I'm just gonna check out for a few. You're in a position to get some shut-eye. Yeah, I'm gonna get some shut-eye.

Guys, make sure you check out Jessica Kursing. One more time, everybody. I got a wrap, we got a wrap, Jessica. Oh, my. Christine, she's got to go. She has to shut out. She's going to head for it. All right, I was sad.

Yeah, I had to go make people laugh even though I'm so sad. Check your programs, you go see your down, you know, go get her albums, she fucking rules. Yeah, I'm on my bed. Damn, you had 11 thoughts at once there. It's a gram. This is traffic jamming my mouth. Dan, you know what can solve that? Me getting another Rose, a can of Rose, I think, uh, Jager, you're on that.

Jessica Kirsten, everybody, one of our favorite fucking people in the world. I love you. Check out her podcast disgusting ho Guys go get some canned wine, you know, we're gonna have some fun You guys having fun so far? Yeah! Appreciate you guys coming out every year, every year. You guys...

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