The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - More Like Amber Turd

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

Josh Adam Meyers joins The Bonfire live from Nashville and helps decipher what Johnny Depp is saying on the stand at his trial.

Hey everybody don't forget Big J is going to be in Nashville this week and Austin at Moon Tower You got a bunch of chances to see us this Friday April 22nd 7 pm at A & Tone's live bonfire show But J's also got two shows of the worst comics tell tales of the worst situations of their life all at big J comedy com go get those tickets Grisha badges come see a show to the right thing Dan Soder of course going to be headlining the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas that is Thursday, April 21st. Everybody get there, you don't have to have a festival badge.

You just gotta buy a ticket. It's a standalone show and a festival show. Wait, it's one way this way. It's over there, it's over there. So too faced. Make sure you check out that Null Dan's date's coming up at dansoder dot cam And now the bonfire with big J. Ocasin and Dan Soder

Jacob I know you want to talk about the Johnny Depp Amber her trial Please and we want to talk about it too and we Jacob a talk court reporter from. Oh, or Jacob a talk. Quartreporter from QuartTV.com, Jacob a talk. I mean, to me, this is the best television I've ever seen. I can't believe how great this is. And he's on, he's talking right now on, he's on the stand. Currently, what's, what's been interviewing like everyone, it's riveting, but I'm telling you right now,

you know, when you are on, can you go on YouTube and watch highlights of all this? Because I'd love to. It's riveting, but I'm telling you right now, you know when you are on You go on YouTube and watch highlights of all this because I'd love to it's live on No, I'm staying right now. Yeah, you can understand what Johnny Depp saying because he's just like Where did you put sir? Where did you buy your skull? Red is just birds What I met her, the first time I heard it. Riddes, Dersburg, and the other. They all decent jied out. Well, she came over the first time. She came to me and I heard her. And then I started noticing that some of my bangled jewelry

was missing. And then he goes, and my special bang oil used some of my bangs fly around when I play coyote guitar. And my bracelet collection was tattered. I use some of my bangs fly around when I play coyote guitar and my Great-themed collection was Tattered I was doing my artwork. It's kind of where I just take a picture and slapping over it. I met him My friend told took me to a big That nam conference in Anaheim and they had like a offshoot at this like high school Auditorium theater

where like Steven Stills, him, Mike Campbell, all played Alice Cooper was singing and Johnny was there playing guitar and so when they wrapped up and he came off stage, he like, I mean literally it goes up to tall, I was like, hey, I'm told I'm good to see you and you just could smell and it was like exactly what you would expect Johnny Depp to smell like so much. No dude. It was I expect it's like patchouly and really Thick tobacco like he smokes those brown cigarettes like The code cigarette those thank you Is this it playing in the background

i'm not playing that is that three and and and for three years i watched nothing but all Asian eye contact porn films cartoons from tech savory to bugs bunny to that's the most that's the most jolly depth clip you could find because I was watching every cartoon from scubi do down to transformers back to silver hawks I prefer the drawings of Charles Schultz I don't know I'm a Gary Larson I love I love the Bill Warrison just did Calvin and Hobbs and disappeared with a Jacob what do you what's give us some what do you, what's, give us some of the highlights of what's captivating you?

I mean, a few days ago, they interviewed her personal assistant who just, I read an article about it. She was about, but I mean, it was hot also because she said, Amber had no problem walking around naked. She loved being naked, but she was very abusive to her, mentally, her mom was terrified of her.

She was mentally abusive to her sister. But just finding, but she's her walking around naked and you putting up with the mental abuse because she's naked. Oh, I was like, you stupid pig and Jacob goes, all right, that's fair. I don't know. I don't know.

Pigs like some, pigs are worshiping some. I would, I've heard nothing but awful stuff and I would, I would marry her still because I would have to, but I can't explain, I don't have to explain my heart. The next guy that dates her just has court, hours of court TV watching why you shouldn't. Yeah.

But now I'm telling you. She goes, are you sure you wanna go to second date? And he's like, yeah, I'll roll the dice. Man, when some of this grabs female abuse, so you're always like, all right. She was very vul, vul, vul, the burbly abusive. They bend them on with their twat hanging out.

You're like, oh, darn. Did she, did she cut his finger off? Isn't that what? What's Jacob? You watching this talking about. Chill out, Jacob. I didn't get to that. You've watched it. It's talking about. Chill out, Jacob. I didn't get to that.

Yeah, I think it does mention something about his finger-bredding. I didn't hear that part of it. Should cut my finger off. Thank you. During a fight, right? Didn't just make it up. Didn't he cut his finger on a broken line model or something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kind of a finger-bredding. Yeah, I can't bar an F-cord. Well, Jacob sent us a text that was apparently the texts between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's former assistant and they were like, this is post, this is post Amber Heard breakup and Johnny Depp's talking to her and. Am I right? He's like, why don't you come over for a spot of purple? Oh, and then we get that's what he calls one spot of purple.

I love him so much. For a spot of purple, and maybe we can get to the bottom. That guy's never had the collar of a shirt on the inside of a blazer. Never. Guys, never. The collar of a shirt's always on the outside of that blazer. Yeah, it's popping up. No, no, no, no, no, it doesn't hide.

It does not hide. I feel that his lawyers are doing a great job, but still, you know, when you go to court, you take a chance, but I, if I was on the Johnny Depp team, I promise you in five minutes, I would win this case for him. Walk it through. Yeah, what do you got?

Please walk it. You know what I mean? You're just like Jacob Atatai, that's choir. Jacob, what's he dressed like, if you don't want me asking it through? He's wearing, I guess a kind of conservative suit for Johnny Depp Yeah, well, no, not really he looks like he sells illegal samurai swords

Nice Oh my god dude the slick back hair Yeah, he looks good He really got bad Man, he looks at the US age huh? Yeah, he was so attractive And it happened And it just one day you saw him and he was in the tourist

And you were like he looks fucking weird. I want to listen to what is that girl near Christine says he can still get it. Sure. He's Johnny Depp. You know in that hair. Listen when that hair dries and those bangs flop down Oh Johnny Depp was so my number one for so long. I mean, too her I went to his I still remember you Hollywood star I went to the ceremony. They just put him on camera with her while there while there's while he's talking hey Again, there's the face the whole time. There's the bitch You can't you can't do one thing we go. Oh fucking There's the dookey monster right there. He goes that right there there that's the woman that fills my nightmare is with an open butthole of my downcoming

there's a due to bandit he was you do you understand that i had a sweetest down com for the i've ever purchased it you know what's going on i don't know what you're talking about drunk in the pooped in his bed that's my you know you know you you what you pumped up him getting a paper call his finger to losing a, but didn't know she actually no took a standing squat dump pile of dumping his So punk rock he found a lame sausage

Three-coiler right? She's the GGL She broke his nose She's like tell me you don't love my pussy A three-coiler right in the bed. I would while he was in it. No, no, he to frame the come find later. Oh, God He laid down next to it. Sorry talk. He flipped over. Sorry talking. He goes, huh? Do you think tomorrow? We should go? So anyways, how's awkward man going? So it turns out that Paramount plus thing with the stand you're doing isn't really good. Oh God God

What Jacob you think he calls it a funny word to his this officer. There was cock-cawed my bed There's a lump of steamy upstairs There's a lump of stinky steam. There's a real footsie in my bed. It seems like it's already wet like it was maybe removed from a toilet She made the boom-boom in my bed. Jacob, what would be your retort if you were his defense lawyer? How would you get through this? You're on it, Dan.

I think you and Jay are on the right track. If I had her on the stand, I would say, miss her. Yes. It's been established. The two of you had a lot of marital strife It's isn't it true Then on the night of April 24, 2014 You made a smelly duty on his bed

Didn't you make a smelly duty on his bed? I don't remember I do need but I don't know where you made a duty on his bed because you were furious with him And that makes you a pig doesn't it? I don't know It does make me a pig I'm a winky pig and isn't it true? That all this started Because after he found that duty he called you Amber Turd and you hate him for that because I wanted to kill him. Is it not right?

Yes it is. Yes it is. Is that right Mr. Turd? That's funny. Jacob you fucking fill in the character. Easy bro. You get the she breaks Kaiser Sosa she that's what makes sure she's there. Oh shit.

Okay I shit on him again if I could I Shit, I didn't even wipe and then we had ribs I thought he was in the bed if I'm being completely honest. I don't know where that swashbuckler sleeps Sometimes it's the sofa sometimes it's the attic Him to leave it's not true. I've never slept in the attic. I was sleeping in the same room in the castle It's too draft. I was sleeping the same room in the castle. It's true to the chambers. It's too draft. I was drinking Trump on that night. I was sleeping my chambers. Everybody knows that.

In my coffin. Everybody knows. I opened the drawbridge door to my bed. So she just has to sit there with that same face while he goes on four hours. Three hours right now. I've seen it and she hasn't, her facial muscles hasn't moved.

I like the both of them are looking at each other like, man, we were both better looking when we started this fight. We really took a lot out of each other. They really have taken a lot of, she's taking a lot out of him. Do he's gone, even the salvage commercials, you see the age like the faint, but like he's still pulling off like a coolish thing. And I mean, like now he's just starting to become like, is he like an old fucking wacky vampire? Is he still rich?

I mean, he's a dine. They did an article in Rolling Stone about how like, he's made so much money but he also got fucked by his manager and with this divorce thing and his spend- He doesn't spend stupid money. I mean, you bought an island. Yeah, when you buy, when you have like,

pirates of the Caribbean money, you're like, oh, money will never be an issue. Yeah. So you spend it like that and this rolling stone or something about it goes it cost 300 million dollars a year to run your island Oh shit, oh you know what that would have been nice to know For I bought this he goes yeah, I don't mean knows but spectrum cable has to fly out a crew to like run some line He's oh son of a bitch. I just what that's why I wanted direct TV What if I got Spongebob? He goes what if I get like What if I get like smart TVs and just do my my log it cable cable Johnny depth thinks that's a good idea

Direct TV Johnny depth knows if you're gonna have an island use a dish You got these a dish Sunday ticket here if I'm to watch my Tampa Bay buck and he's dressed as Jack Sparrow, if I'm watching my Beck and he is on my island. Yeah, he's, I don't think he's like broke, but I don't think he's not nearly as wealthy as he was. He has to, he has to buy fucking Hoot wine now. Dude, can you imagine how much each one of their broekers cost?

What's broke? What's broke to a person who's at like famous in Richston because I'm the five million. Is that what is it's broke? Okay, because I was gonna say it's got it's under 10 million to him. He's like, but why that is is because like the overhead is so like he can run through 10 million in two years.

So he's definitely broke. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's what's wild about it. But like, but I don't think you're gonna be seeing him in a townhouse or like a fucking. Yeah, that's what's wild about it, but like, uh, but I don't think you're gonna be seeing him in a townhouse or like a fucking yeah That's what I say. That's the thing. They go, he's sitting at dupe, man.

Hey, man, good to see you, buddy. My name is John. I've also gone by Edward Sizzerhands and would several other names. No, it's like when they used to say that about Iverson all the time, they were like Iverson's broke and then I Took that so literally, that would be furious. You'd see him like at a Sixers game, and they were like, he's broke, he's at a money. And then I'd see him at a Sixers game,

and he had like, you know, the new style that everyone has like four tight chains instead of having long chains now. And he was always like the big long chains. And then he had like the grip of chains up here. And you're like, well, this motherfucker's throwing money. Well, I thought he's broken. You're like, he's broke for like, you're sick, well, this motherfucker's throwing money. Well, I thought he's broken. You're like, he's broke for like, you're a stick.

Yeah, they don't know what they're going to say. He's also got, that was man. That guy should get more credit. Whatever the guy's name was, I forget it it was. I don't think it was John Thompson, but whoever's agent or manager was that set up that deal. And Mark and Sherr are Philly fan too. Do you know that when he signed his Reebok deal,

it was like a bunch of it up front. And then it was like a bunch of it when he turns I think 55 or something It was so when he turns 55 he's got like like like like 20 some million or 40 some million dollars. That's pretty great. That's a great idea But also he's broke now, but is he though? That's what I'm saying. What's broke bro guys? I mean When you're an athlete, I think I think I'm 10 million broke. That's what he was just saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you've made your overhead so much. You have 17 cars that all require like insurance, and blah blah blah. I don't know. It's

dumb shit. You're the way. I'm just. He was always too like to throw it up and like everyone on me. I'm trying to think of the way that I ball out And that is that I let my mom use my Netflix and like someone else use my HBO Max And if I had to start shutting those down and being like hey, we're only a we're only a hulu plus family now my mom would be like So that's broke to me is like shutting down stream Yeah, broke to me would be the thing if like I wouldn't shut them down broke to me would be not shutting them down But the thing where I would know like who's all they have to call and go like hey we just got knocked off a Netflix because yeah I was gonna watch a movie. I paint on it.

No. Why can't we all use it at once he goes that's a hire. Yeah. Johnny Depp is he's like what do you mean you can't do my oil painting we do every April. You're supposed to paint me. I don't know how it happened though me and and Christine for some reason, I got what I thought the best Spotify thing you can get is and some of a bitch if I know Christine will be taking a shower and then call me while I'm on the road and go like, are you

listening to Spotify? I love to be such a company man but I got premium Pandora. No thanks to the company. I'm paying for it out of pocket. You don't have to add it for free. I know. Really? Why do I have Pandora for free? I've had it for a while. I was supposed to have Spotify for free for life and the never

app. And I still pay 999 a month. Yeah. I pay 999 a month for Pandora. And it's great because I don't have one commercial. Hold up. How do you pay 999? I'm paying $12 a month.

Because I I started at first Spotify in 2012 99 black I think it sounds oh there it is Okay, there's so a Christ fearing me like myself. I think you owe Marcus $3 of reparations a month for the last several years Couple fell yeah, I'm gonna need you. I'm gonna need you to admit your fucking history My people have gotten Spotify a lot cheaper

Go Joshua Joshua listen to me call this number right now You're gonna get 999 Spotify for the rest of your life now if any blacks are non-Jews ass You don't know how you go and old 90 and old you try to tell you the relation of them and black people because we were both slaves and it's like Jews were Bible slaves though. It's different like black slavery is a little more like you know You feel it still like I don't feel any Jewish slavery like kick back still Do you know I mean my Christine has one of my favorite jobs? I've never had an adjunct an Egyptian person I know is never going to me goes Do you should still be built and fucking pier mits in the deserts

So I go help me son of a bitch. What you son of a bitch? I ordered the couscous 40 2000 years of BC of oppression Seen's got a joke about that. He always doesn't Boston which can go greater batteries like Irish people love to tell you that they're a slaves, but They're the only ones that deserve it. That's the story. And then he goes, Jewish people also like to say that, he goes, could you imagine having a Jewish slave,

a slave that complains all the time? And he's like, oh, excuse me, I don't think I'm supposed to be out in the sun this long. Because they're getting very allergy. But hey, so are you gonna watch the rest of the trial Jacob? Oh, yeah, I watch as much as I can I love it. I go home. Have you heard her? She's on now. I lose got it some of it. We wanted to see. Has she testified? I don't know. She hasn't as far as I remember she hasn't gone up yet and the dumb question

I'm sure but what's the actual case about? It's for her even getting divorced? Definitely because What's the actual case about? It's for our even getting divorced? Deformation because he wants to get his career, but I kind of killed his career when he lost that last piece. He wants 50 million. Oh, so he's taking her to court right now. So yeah, so yeah, the definition of character.

And I just think it's a slam dunk how you win it. He lost everything. He got kicked off the Dumbledore and franchise. A fantastic beast or something. Yeah. Yeah, they, he's gonna lose money. They're Yeah. Yeah. They, um, he's gonna lose. They're not gonna make Nick of time too. I heard now. Oh no, Don Juan de Marco, the second one is Don Juan de Marco.

Do. Yeah. Chocolate. The chocolate party because I found myself in a place where I have to do personalized episodes of 21 Jump Street for fans that took a lot of money off tech. I was gonna make a movie called Edward Clipper Hands, but they filled the road with ice cube. Tim Burton wanted it. Ice Cube's playing the role now. Tim Burton won't even call me back and I told him he can dress me in whatever he wants.

I'll be whatever green goblin gook you need to dress me in whatever you need me weirdo. You would be a big talking fish. I'll do whatever you crazy Set up a bitch. I'll finally do it. I'll do full nude for you Tim. Yeah, he did lose a lot I guess how the other day did stop another were they gonna do another pirates I don't know about pirates, but I mean they they recasted the role for Dumbledore There's no not it playing the character. I think it's a mads mads mickenin or whatever's name is the dude yeah the place handle on the TV show but also it's not even that is that Johnny Depp knowing because he before he was having problems or

he was already having money problems so he was getting to that like the Jean Hackman point of your career where you're in fucking everything because you're just like Nicholas Cage does he he's a cheaper purple. He's just stay in Stop spending money on purple. It's an MD 2020 Yeah, you're just don't trickin fucking boons farm. He goes I don't know. I'm pretty hammered among some of it's you're cool for a spot of purple like I did it Shop right do you want a spot of purple from my box of fronze? I got some two black purple. You guys don't want to box a fronze. I busted out the carlo rosy from a spot of purple. It's jug-worn, but it'll work.

He goes, is that box one? He goes, actually, it's a bag in the box. Yeah, we're kind of dumb ass engineering, but just be a boxer. It would be leaking everywhere. It's not a sound. You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot.

You know what? I don't want to share why do you think books work? Just be a purple wet box You're lucky I'm not for fronzy in I put five across your face I come over here and I'd be Edward punchy hands across your face. I come over here and I'd be Edward Punchy hands. Their fight, their video, their fight was funny. It's like, remember when the first came out and you were like, she was doing this to be like, look how abusive he is and he goes, looks like you both suck to live with. Dude, hot people grow an old. Yeah. Can't

deal with them. She's still smoking, right? She's still very attractive and and like look Christine got wet. She saw them and she she immediately was like She loves women love women love Johnny Depp Keanu Reeves Johnny Depp Keanu is my king. They love that they love that like Oh, you know, I'm kind of Native American Keanu Reeves is kind of Rees is holding up better, but he also might be younger But no, do he's 50 he's 58 Here's a thing how it's on a depth Same same age when I judge You know, you're just by his wife, you have to judge him by his wife's age Kyon, he reads what happened in the cosmos the Keanu and Johnny Depp are born in the same year

That's too much cuteness and totally It's too much cutie Yeah alert alert cute boy over Shut down the machine. It's a cute boy over there must be something wrong with my calculations too much cute boy How are you gonna get any work done too much hotty-bomb body being born? Oh, no Whip body being born. Oh no. Weep. Um, he's still on the thing turned up. It's gonna, we're just gonna random JD. Yeah, just drop in dude. If he's still on

the fucking, if he's gonna random depism, I'd probably been in the industry 30 plus years, 35 years. That perfect. Never had any problems or anything. Never been a turd in my bed all these 58 years 50 years and a sir I've never had a turd that wasn't mine That's 30 years times 365 and laying down in a turdless bed and I think I'm old and in this turd burglar come down here I love it in this turd burglar. Come back here. This is hilarious. She just took a dump on it.

I love it. I love it. Why did you go picture this as hot as a boy? And pure rage goes, oh, I know the last thing for I get out of here. Just a walk on a dumb bit. It's spreading her butt cheeks. Do you think she went around in a circle?

And then had to look at somebody the way dockens and myrtle poop? She went into a half circle and then bucked back around. Oh, my whole circle is putting up a little bit. Do you think, you think, you think she aimed the turd into circles? You think she like try to make little curls? I'm gone. And the last one she goes and she puts an English on the line.

Yeah, the other like the animals. Yeah, the other thing. I mean, she's a little switch. I could feel a soft serve. So I was able to put some English on it. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, bring it back up.

When I was a kid, so you were always just my mom had this. Her feet were on fire and she had to move so we moved constantly so you were always the new kid and the fuck is this being said a trial for and finally I found a place that I could call home and the next thing you know there's duty on my bed and at that point I had gotten my wilderness badge It was a pretty hard badge to get because if you're in the Boy Scouts a lot of people think it goes right from CUB to Boy Scout, but there's a whole series of wee-blows in between Now for the other than two weeks is a brownie

I do a little cup of coffee with the brownie because I jump street at the brownie. I do look up a coffee with the brownies. He goes, I jump street at the brownies. And then you, I infiltrated the brownies. He goes, I was looking at an eagle scout, but then, you know, Tom Petty came around. He goes, sometimes, you know, life gets in the way. Anyways, I wish I had a badge for cleaning poop off my belt. If you guys, why did he take a picture of it? I think he did. And there's a picture. He goes, if you guys would mind now, I've got a family of bats to feed my house.

Yeah. Sorry, everyone. I have to go feed exotic animals that shouldn't be in Los Angeles. Those 160 candles in my house aren't gonna light themselves. Why are they, they're in Florida, right? I have to walk through.

100, 60 cans. Every neighborhood goes, but he goes, huh right? I have to walk through. A hundred, three, six, six, six, six. And every neighborhood goes, many goes, huh, and keep on the camps, where you go, many goes, sure. One, two, three, two. Because this is it. A lot of people don't realize that having so many candles is a cardiovascular strain.

You really have to have good breath. Four here, 46. Honestly, bending down on the ones on the stairs are the biggest problem because how do you say all the numbers out? He goes left to make sure it's 160 because I'm OCD Just then I got a double check Then I'll be put to everyone. I'll be put some light with his fingers Do you know what it is? It's a Costco size amount of pain Sample of what pain

Just just tickle of pain It's just a little wet my whistle. Oh, oh, dips. There's still alive. Oh, I feel that oh, I can really feel it Let's say Jay dogs still alive. Let's take our last break and we come back just put on some rando depth We'll do rando depth. We'll do some whatever the fuck we want to do because We're the bad boys of See like they are Jerry. What will we do next whatever the fuck we want? Josh Adam is hanging out. He's got comedy jam every night of Moon Tower from Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday

He'll be opening for me at Paramount. Yeah, we're gonna have a fun time And then also we'll be doing four jams for Netflix festival their free shows at the Poladium the Poladium. Yeah, it's it's it's gonna be crazy. J's on one mate. Are you gonna you're not gonna be there? I'm an H.B. Okay. I know And I'm doing a taping I'm doing a taping for Bill Burr under the bill burr like umbrella on May 4th of the play. He can get tickets. Burn friends. Yeah. We're doing comedy jams at the play.

I'm doing you were doing them outside and they've got like this cool stage that they build. It's like a weird to get evening thing. It's like six to seven. They're only an hour long. Who's doing the forum? Shepel. What's he doing?

What do you mean? Shepel. Shepel's doing the Hollywood play. He's doing the Hollywood ball. Yeah. So but Burr's also doing the forum Millennium. He's doing the Hollywood Bowl. Yeah, so but Burr's also doing the forum. That's all right. But yeah, but we're doing the forum.

Yeah, fucking cool. I was there when he did it before. It's fucking nuts, dude. Yeah, it's nuts. He got the, I saw pictures. He was, he was there at Queens of the Stone Age of the Forum. Well, you know that. Did you ever talk to him about that when he opened for Queens of the Stone Age?

I talked to Bill Burr. I'm still nervous. He's one of my favorite queens I love you. Does he? Yeah, because every time I'm around him I'm like, I'm sorry man. I'm not saying he doesn't. What are you basing? He loves them off? I think we were I was talking about being with you guys and he was like he loves you guys like I better he was I'm sure Jay and I have to say hold on you have to restants something Jay and I have the same claw of insecurity Where we both like did they go dude big fans years when we both go you're a liar then Hold on, you have to understand something. Jay and I have the same claw of insecurity, where we both like, did they go, dude, big fans of yours and we both go, you're a liar then.

I'll tell you what, her twers, the last thing Nate said before we were coming over here, his Nate prepped Kid Rock to me, and then Kid Rock, did my introduction, said that Nate, said how funny I was and blah, blah, blah, and then Nate goes, so, Jay, I'm talking to Kid Rock, if you were driving away in the Uber and I was like, nah, nah, that really is. I'll tell you this story later. Oh, so, J'hang, talk to Kid Rock, if you were driving away in the Uber and I was like, nah, nah, that really.

I'll tell you this story later. Oh, God, you're so good. Put the window up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What, what'd you say now? I'm a sucker here. We're driving away the super drivers driving away as rude.

Let's see your last break. Hang in there with Josh out of my way. BigJacomedy.com. The worst at Moon Tower. We also got the live bonfire show on Friday. There's a lot of shit going on then jay is going to be at the netflix festival for those shows are sold out maybe go try to get stand by big j comedy dot com world uh yeah i'm gonna back right now wrote a ton to mean

you were rowing on the road yes uh... i got an england in june damn to you i don't even know what that's gonna be if you live in england in your boot like it is i do it is uh... damn luis just did it so it was fucking awesome. I booked a place in the West End that's like a small room for like five days. Fuck yeah, that's gonna rule. You're gonna residence you guys. Yeah, it's gonna do like an hour every night.

That's fucking awesome. But then you find out how American your act is. Yeah, you guys know when you're watching TBS at night. What? What are you doing? What? What are you doing? I don't like TBS! What? I don't like it at all! I don't know TBS.

I don't like TBS! Oh no! I know, I know. Steph Curry. Who are you talking about? Steph Curry. No one goes to pick back from beyond. Ew!

We go to the loop! Dan Soder is gonna be at the Moon Tower Festival and he's gonna be doing the Paramount Theater. That's this Thursday everybody. It's coming up two days away. Some tickets still available for that. It's part of the festival, but it is not festival only included.

You can get tickets for it individually if you want to just come see Dan Soder live and you should want to do that. He's also gonna be in Winnipeg at rumors after that. Philadelphia Helium coming to Ila Delph. DanSoda.com for all tickets and tour dates. We'll be right back everybody. It's the Bond Fire. Welcome back to the Bond Fire series XM Faction Talk 103. I'm Dan Soder. That's Big Joke. We're joined by Josh Adam Myers. We're in Nashville, Tennessee.

We're looking at some Marcus King. Yeah, I'm a little like you. Certified camper. Certified camper. Loves you guys. Toads. Toads, no ghosts. Where are we at? Where's Johnny Depp?

We're texting. Give me a dose. Okay, he's talking about fucking process, childhood. He's just rambling. He's just rambling there. Do you remember the episode of Cheers? He goes cut-ins. Did you guys ever, uh, did you grow up eating like casserole?

My mom loved Golden Girls. I was more of an empty nest. I always loved it. I always loved it. And they did a crossover. Do you remember when Larry Appa White showed up in Family Met? This is a lot of people don't appreciate the comedic timing of Richard Mulligan, but empty nest was a lot of people.

A lot of people only know him as Joe is. But he was so, so much more than a lot of people don't know know this one of the daughters on empty nest was the slutty go from Greece And she actually lost her mind Dina man off. Do you know that DJ Lou? What's that? Do you know one of the daughters from empty nest was the slutty pink lady? No, French you wasn't the slut well, Rizzo was sort of the slut, but the actual slut. The one that went to go fuck Vince Fontaine. Oh, I love that one. She's the hottest one.

She was the bitchy uptight daughter on empty nest. Bring it up. And the other one was Christie McNichol. Yeah, that's what I learned when I was going to the that's what I learned when I was going to the mental breakdown was, my mom was like, oh, Christie McNichol's had a mental breakdown. And I was like, what's that? And she's like, it's me here. I was like, eight. That's what I learned when a mental breakdown was, my mom was like, oh, Chris and me, Nichols had a mental breakdown. And I was like, what's that?

And she's like, it's me. Yeah. I was like, eight. I was like, what's a mental breakdown? And she's like, you'll find out later. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. with all the PAs. That's Jeff Garland shit. It's like coming out now. Yeah, worse thing. Just like, there's more stuff coming out of him. Huh? There's more stuff about him?

Well, no, there's a whole article in like, vanity fair. I mean, it's a big deal. Wasn't like he says like, he makes pussy jokes. It's on set. Like, that's what it seemed like to me. I mean, like, I never say pussy. That was the problem.

He over corrected too much. He's like, pussy. I didn't even say it now. I don't like saying it now That's a good Garland I got the impression I could do only cuz it's this is when he goes They go Eleanor's not here today. We have our guest Jeff Garland. I don't know what's down there Skank fast Skank fast who goes to Skank fast That's my Jeff Carlis. Good. It's pretty good. You're getting to Garland. Working on a Garland.

Getting to Garland. We're going to sick Gar. I think we offered him Skankfest this year. He said no. I'm not sure. I think still we should. We have to get him for Skankfest. But is he ready to just tank it? Or is he gonna stick us? Larry David said he's not done with curb your enthusiasm. Not that coming to Skankfest would tank it for him, but it's. It's definitely leaning in. It's leaning in a bit to a degree. What do you think? You think you would do a Josh? You know, you're the best friend. I don't I don't. Josh had a Myers. Why would I go there? Now I don't think I don't think that he would do it. I don't All right, what if we lured him or you called it curvy enthusiasm fest Her fest

Goldberg fest he was guys so on Thursday. It's just still scant fest We just know we're gonna change all the signs we made some other signs. It's kind of like a sitcom heist This doesn't look like just curf signs. It's kind of like a sitcom heist This doesn't look like just car fans. Everyone dress like Larry David Everybody dressed like Larry David cover your tattoos Give me some random debt what that what? Curse. Curse. He's on.

Um, I saw that. I saw that look in the face. It says, Oh, he took his boots off. I got a drop in dump. Hold on. He took his boots off. I'm the, Mr. Approach with this look on her face that she, and she just said, what did you just do?

What did you do? So what do you mean? You took your boots off? Yeah, it's a dead, you were busy, you know. No, no, no, that's my job, that's what I do. You don't do that, I do that. Take your boots off. Take his boots off. I do. You don't do that. I do that. Take his boots.

And then she said, let me get your glass of wine. She brought me the glass of wine. It's about a person. But I did take pause. Of course, Oh my God. I mean, I'm gonna do that now. I'm gonna start taking pauses in real life where I went and then I realized that Katie had gone to pick up the tackle Bill and I took pause because I took pause for a moment to say because I make sure you get Fuego sauce. Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. I said that wrong. I hit pause on WWE. I was watching. I was watching that new Sam J. Show pause. Oh, I was thinking it was pause patrol.

Oh, yeah, never mind. No, my friend said, you look good in that. And I said, pause. Pause rewind. Say it again. The fact that she was visibly shaken or upset, that I had broken her Rules of routine I

Thought that strange and then I said I didn't know beautiful women can have autism. Yeah Oh, no, I did something out of place and now she's going to spaz on me when I wanted to watch a movie I would put her with a bunch of shapes with a bunch of course fondant holes Would I like to balance? I could usually get through the Irishman or something long like that Would I like to ban amber is if I wanted some alone time? I told you one of the light switches was facing up All the other ones were facing down So then I would watch her stock around that house

I would just if I needed some time, and if I needed to take pause, I would just rip off one of those crazy train math problems. Yeah. I would feed her a seducu. Like a bucket of chill. I'd give her a cash word and say my, my evenings free. Either one of those people dating them after this trial, is you're like, are we gonna have a trial when we break up? You're gonna have to hear about it constantly, it goes, yeah, it's nice to just have dinner for once without worrying about there being a dump in your bed.

All right, John. Johnny, Johnny, she's been gone. I think she sings someone else, you go, do you miss her? Yeah, right. Shouldn't that guys do you miss her? You better feed her a lot of protein, because she links up. Shit in that guy's You better feed her a lot of protein because she links up

Because I'll tell you what as far as bed turds go better to have a hearty than a softy, you know I'd rather lift and clean I'd rather lift it off Wash and not think about it again. No streak. No foul. Yeah You get a little bit of a mud puddle. I mean those sheets are as good as God. I'll tell you right now. She poop waters onto my sheets It's a problem. Good luck fighting a mattress. I'm sure that's gonna keep that off you good stuff Do you think they do you think they fall back and love at the end where he goes? There's no one else I want pooping in my bed. I promise you this isn't I shouldn't say I promise

But my guess would be this isn't the last time they fuck this is so passionate Yeah, dude, it's wild. Yeah, dude. I want to go through. I want to fuck you so bad. I want to do a seven-hour Deposition they might fuck before the trials over like they might just like like yeah, yeah, you're gonna cross you're gonna cross examine Yeah, I said that maybe I have a spot of purple and I'll cross examine your ass all night cross examine all over your back and butt I'm about to give you the verdict Do you want the verdict the jury's in oh the jury the jury box is so full He goes hang on deliberating what they're murder deliberating He goes hang on deliberating. Well, they're murder deliberating.

They're murder of two years deliberating. Longer than that, right? I think I was like two, two and a half years. Jacob hang on, I think I had too much purple or this is gonna be a hung jury. Oh no, looks like I'm calling a mis-trap. Everybody go home. Looks like I got one angry man,

aka my wiener. Oh my god. AKA my wieness. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's weenus. It's, you're going in a way. Have you found out that it's super hot dude cause it's dick weenus? The hilarious worst. It goes, and then she sucked upon my weenus.

Yeah, he goes, and then my weenus, it was feeling so good and so good for that pull. I just, my weenus. He just goes, I got hammered one time in the lower side and I'm hooking up with Ryan Gosling. And then he asked me if I wanted to see his wee wee He goes I was great goes I fuck Brad Pitt once was weird he goes You want to pull my bird out? Yeah, I don't know I was with George Clooney and he said he wanted to get his dinkus wet He said suck wanted to get his dinkest wet. He said suck on my dingle.

Yeah. I can't do this. I don't care if you're Hollywood royalty. He goes, yeah, she has other people who know this. Carrie Grant called his penis a sissy stick. Yeah. All right.

I called it my yum yum tree. Yes, Jacob. I have. If you look at the screen now, a picture of the turd that destroyed a marriage. Oh, let me see this. Bring it up. Bring it this. Bring it up. Bring it up.

Bring it up. You can actually Google it there, Christine also, but it's, I mean, it's a decent piece. Yeah. Yeah. It's a decent piece. And it's smeared. Does it have that cock? Is it the kind where it looks like it's a bunch of shit balls that got put together?

Like one of those, but a lot of cracks in it. I love when they go down and go back up and go back down. It's got different textures, yeah. It's like bulbs, little bulbs coming out of it. Yeah. It looks like anal beads. I find a cashew in it and new is hers because I'm allergic to cashews. She's on a steady diet.

She never stops. Have legumes. So one time I know I hate cashews because I looked at butthole and my lips blew up like crates. But you see a like an acoustic guitar behind so you know it's Johnny's room. Oh, of course. Yeah. Yeah. You know, when the magic hits you got to have a guitar nearby. Sorry, in supposed feeling my body. I feel like dancing around on my neck. Oh, boy. Yeah, man, I don't know. He's like asking for 50 million.

I don't know if there's no anyways. Does she even have 50 million that wasn't his? I couldn't, I couldn't guess. What is she done? Definition. He's going for a lot. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Aquaman one and two. Aquaman two is coming out. She was in that stand. Surely just did stand in the play. You live. Steven.

Think about here are the end of the world. Survivors. I think even if he doesn't get any money out of this, but he wins, he gets a million. Okay, just a sleep. He gets to work again. She was in never back down. Did you ever see that movie? No. Oh, is that where they met rum diaries? Probably. Oh, She was in never back down. Do you ever see that movie? No. It's always that where they met rum diaries probably.

Oh, she was in magic, my gxxl. Supposedly drive angry was like a big thing for her. Because I remember that came out and there would be like a lot on Mr. Skin. They would post a lot of pictures of what? Mr. Skin on what movie? Drive angry because she was like, I thought she was lesbian though. She was and though she was and then she met Johnny Depp uh... to what really

yeah god damn dude she was like oh she all the boys love mandy lame i saw it hard really uh... Josh Adam Myers thank you for coming on thanks for having us Josh Adam Myers dot com at Josh Adam Myers on all social media but Josh Adam Myers dot com lot of shows on the road live dates big jay comedy for live dates, dance order.com for live dates. For live dates, dance order this Thursday, most paramount, uh, at the paramount theater. Also storytelling show, if you're in Nashville,

420 R.I.E. Schaffer's Storytelling Show featuring Big J and Shane Gillis, R.I.E. Schaffer, come get it. Some other guests, come get it. We love you guys, good to, the bonfire merch.com. Catch you here live from Nashville tomorrow. we got one more show here in Nashville tomorrow hanging out with Marcus in the lovely Nashville studios we love you guys and if you're a Nashville go check out Mike Vicki on tonight it's

Janus 615 and 8 or 638 15 we love you guys what don't poop on beds you've been listening to Sirius XM's bonfire. New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on Sirius XM.