The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Murder Safari

Episode Date: September 3, 2025

Christine just turned 40 and they guys are careful not to overwhelm her in her elderly state. Jay fantasizes about hypothetically murdering her on a vacation safari in Africa. | Did you know that John Heder is a Mormon and did not write Napoleon Dynamite? | Bobby plays the Mega Millions and if he wins, he plans to run away with is new A.I. girlfriend. Go to punchup.live/bigjayoakerson and punchup.live/robertkelly for all tour dates and info! *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. I want to show you what love's all about. Bobby's checking us Mega Millions told me to vamp. Darling tonight. I only know how to vamp one way. Sing it. Now I've got you win my sights. Mega Millions.

With these hungry. How's it looking? It was $384 million last night. And I... Hungry. And you came... $53. If I win, everybody in the room is getting a million.

$100 million for all of us. You're getting a million. You're getting a million. Jacob, because you're not here, you're going to get $500,000. That's fair. You got to show up. You got to be here, man. It's just a lesson of life.

You got to show up. Jay you're going to get I'm going to give you five because you're going to have to split that with Christine Oh fuck And Gil I don't want to deal with her I understand

Okay so She's going to be a lot And She's going to ask her if you could like Tax Shelter some of it and shit It's going to She's an ordeal I won dude

You won the Mega Millions? I won I won Uh Four dollars All right Okay. You know what that gets us, though?

Another Mega Millions ticket. Powerball ticket. Powerball. It comes up. And then we're probably going to win that. I'm going to play this money until I lose. And then when I do win, million, million, $500,000 to Jacob. And I'm going to buy him a new microphone with a little masculinity to it.

Now this disco ball he's speaking into. I like your disco ball. I know. It's distracting as hell, but it's nice. It lights up like a... This is brand new. You know, it's stupid with the light, but it's awesome. It's awesome.

but it's absolutely you look like a gamer Are you going to go on Twitch after this and beat off for gays? That's what it looks like It looks like you're about to really stretch it out and fucking pound went out for gays Hey Jock hey it's me Jocko

Christina you get $5 million but I'm giving it to Jay and he's going to divvy it up to you too I'll give you one It's more than you deserve I'm giving them five for both of you That I can't I'll give you the one I'll just spend your money

No it's all you deserve Just do it's just do it's You do whatever you want to do I'm just giving I'm going to bake my mill and spend your four. I'm going to give me a favor. Pay off the house, build me a side house in the back just in case they can go

awry with me and Don. And then I can kill Christine. No, I picked Dateline back up last night. I'm telling you, I can get away with it. How can you get away with it? I got it. Now, here's the thing. I got to start going on safaris.

What? Here's why. Here's why. I'll safari with you, Jay. Right. So here's the thing. But the problem is I don't want to go on safari at all. It sounds miserable to me.

Yeah. It's the opposite of what I like. Well, where are the safaris? Africa. South Africa? I think North. Okay, well, North is fine. You don't want to go to South right now.

Why? Because they're just killing white people. No, that's where the whites are. No. Not anymore, dude. You haven't watched the news. I went there. You went there back right after apartheid.

Now it's they're just, they don't, white people. They're like, yeah, just kill them. Get them out. Really? Oh, dude. South Africa right now is not a good place for white people. Oh, good. Yeah, they took it back.

I got to get accepted for the festival again this year. I mean, don't go. Black me up, Black Lou? Right, don't go. I don't know. I haven't seen that at all. You think Black Lou gets African news we don't get? You don't get African news?

Hey, Lou, what came down the African pipeline? Yeah, right here. There's no evidence suggesting South Africa is systematically killing white people. No evidence suggests this. White genocide while taking place in the country. while some white farmers have been murdered says there's just some high crime rates right now white farmers have been murdered in South Africa

these instances are part of a larger issue of high crime rates well they just want their land back from a bunch of white people that took it I guess Africa belongs to black people now what else do they have to take over sports Africa all the continents yep ocean don't forget the ocean when does it end dude

Now they're learning how to swim, we're all done. I love that that's all the people that have been murdered, but they said a few. It's fucking 500 people have been killed. How many people, how many people was it? It's 3,000. 3,000 people have been killed, a few things about crime. 3,000 people have been murdered. Okay, well.

Yeah, don't go. Stay here. All right, well. Don't go to Africa. How about this? You can do this right here. It gets so good for Dave Chappelle. I was going to check it out.

No, again, there's a difference. No, here's my safaris. I got to go. I'm telling you how we're getting rid of Christine. Okay. And you can do this with Dawn, Bobby. It won't even look that weird. It won't even keep setting the ring camera up. It wouldn't even look that bad for you, honestly.

It wouldn't look that bad for you. Yeah. If you did this, because it's a little more on the nose, like, well, of course, Bobby's a guy that would like, maybe you want to go on safari and take his family, take the kid to see some of this crazy shit. It sounds crazy. I have to convince

the world that I am now strangely into safari. Right. And then on my fifth, oh, Safari. Fifth Safari, Christine's going to have a quote-unquote accident. But I mean... You can't do it at like a juggalo, gathering of the juggaloes.

You can't have her, like, do the same. That's like a safari. She was taken off in like a clown riot. You won't want me to go. What? I can't go to the gathering. It's true. I don't want a gathering.

I do want to have fun there. Yeah, so she can't do that. Yeah. But Africa, Safari, I wouldn't have fun anyway. So Christine could be there. It doesn't matter. You're going to have to fly to Africa. I know, which I've done.

It's a nightmare. It's not a good flight. Well. Can we get laydown flights to my murder? Well, yeah, you'll know. No, I can't. Here's, I got to say no. Let me tell you why.

Christine wants first class murder. I think we'd be going first class. She's such a bag whore. I'd like to see we're going first class, but here's my issue. I can't take you lay down flight just for the murder. because then when we get like the oh look this one's actually a laydown flight you're going to know that's the

I've already given my whole plan I have to get you so excited about Safari that you forget everything I've just told you right now and I can only trust it's going to happen because of the core of it you're a dumb woman okay because she has a stupid little pussy between your legs

I know sometimes you think you're thinking good and saying making good points but then like I have to remind you sometimes I go Christine I hear you're saying all this stuff and it sounds good but you have a stupid little pussy which you're right there's a hairy little hole for dicks to go into it's crazy that they forget that they start getting big with you and then you're like do you forget do you

have a a hairy little hole in your body that my fucking my piss pipe goes into this bitch won't you got to turn off the notifications bobby i can't blame darn anymore buddy i've shut off everything it's all it's 95% of our show is what's happening on your ring cam look everything's off. I don't know how it's still going. How is it still going? You're the gadget guy. You tell us. Why don't you mind your business button? Damn, Lou, that was good. No, I stand behind what you said. I'll

make sure he doesn't fight you for that because that was a good one. You're absolutely right. Bobby wants to go, I did, he just turned it off for the first time right now, and then goes, look, I did turn it off. You know what you were doing. You know, we don't know what we're doing. You take advantage of that. Why don't you get back to your murder?

Anyway, why don't you? Fifth or six safari. Sometimes I forget you have a little pussy between your legs too i know a little hairy hole for penises to go into i got a sticky little hole for penises to to plow into so wait you're gonna take can i just back you up a little bit you sure can't you're gonna so you're gonna have to go to multiple how many trips do you have to go to flor uh to safari to africa five or six five or so why six because it can't i one christine's got to start believing that that was a joke and like also like coincidentally we also have gotten super in the safari and it's going well you got coffee all over your shirt why super

super super into safari do people get it super into so i think you go to this couple this couple was super into safari either they're hunters i don't want to hunt i just want to see the animals well hunt why don't you hunt the hunters no christine i'm going to need you to hunt because there has to be guns present or i can't fucking kill you listen here's what you do we have to have a gun but i'm not i got an idea We hunt Josh Oh, Josh The most dangerous game The most dangerous game

The most dangerous game We bring Josh And then we let him lose And we hunt him Josh Edom Myers is Surviving the game Yeah Look at that

Wow Oh I'd like that I think a good Josh hunt would be That would do us all good He'd swing from the trees We should just do it With eggs in the forest one day

Everyone hunt Josh We'll be on ATVs and shit Buddy I got Pellet guns we can do it I don't want to hurt him. I'm not going to hurt him. It's not going to penetrate his chimp skin. His steroid skin.

His impenetrable skin. He actually gets stronger. As you hit him, he gets stronger like King Kong. And look, Christine, in one point, you're going to be like, oh, my God, look at the pure majesty of the fucking elephant. Just too right in the back of my head. I'll never see it coming. No, no, I want to see your eyes when you realize that I've betrayed you. Yeah, that's true.

She has to see it. I can't just look at the lions. I feel that'll make the meat most tend. her yeah if i if she really turns her huh you gonna eat her i don't know i'm on fucking in the middle of africa you're gonna have to get rid of the body bobby someone's gonna eat her out there i can't bring the body home you better give her sauce you better make some some some hot sauce or some some type of sweetener i wanted to see and what i think would be great is if while she's going out and i see like like blood gathering up and like coming out of the side of her eye she still goes

i love you to me yeah i love you forever and i just cold blood just end it yeah yeah let Isabella have first divs in my bags hmm bobby's gonna go through those bags yeah I'm one of those bags I'm the bag horror this relationship Bobby's gonna mask you in those bags oh make sure Isabella gets my bags she won't she won't give them the respect you want so so she you look her in the face so you this the sixth safari she's yeah by the way the fury I have even though listen it is sweet later on I'll have some sort of a meltdown that she did that I love you right before where she died while I was choking her to death.

Yeah. That'll make me. You're choking me now? You're not shooting her? No, I'll shoot her after to make sure she did. Oh, look at the little baby cheetahs. Tell me when I'm looking at baby cheetahs. Oh, my God.

That would be great to kill her right when she has that voice. Sure. Oh, look at the bikini. I love you. Such a 40-year-old woman thing to do. I like little kittens. Oh, man, yeah. Me and Christine's algorithms are so different.

All right, so listen, let me ask you a question. So you're going to take her, you're going to go back, How are you going to get her to go to so many safaris? Are you into safaris? I want to go on safari so bad. Oh, you do? I want to see the animals so bad. It's never come up ever before. I'm just saying, Christine, I know you're not going to go. Christine, do whatever. Christine, you can afford to go on a safari. Why don't you go on a safari?

So I want to go by myself. You don't want to go with me who doesn't enjoy safari? I mean, I'm learning to love safari. I'm learning to love that safari. You like it. I like Safari. You know, she's on that side. Wink the other eye. Oh, I love Safari. There you go. Can you wink both eyes?

Yeah. It's going to make my mouth go off on both sides, but yeah. And my ears do weird things, too. I can only wink left. I can't wink my right eye. Dude, shoot her on the right side. You can't close it. Oh, it's nice.

That's the dead eye. Yeah, it's the dead eye. You think that's the good eye, but that's the one that's bad. Here's what you do. So you, let me just get the straight. You're going to go back and forth, because you love safaris, too. This is a six-year plan. Six years, shit, dude.

No, three-year plan. I'd say three. We can go twice a year? I want to, listen, I'll go three times a year. That hell was wrong with you? Bad alibi over there. Are you all right? This guy cracks under the pressure.

What did you just do? Hickups from these sandwiches. No, that tells me one thing only. That means lose, killed an X in a safari before. Yeah, that's right. You're getting guilt fucking hiccups. He's like, put it in the quick sand. Look at that elephant, Christine

Majestic Here's what you do Can I say something You go listen to me Jay You bring her to Safari Can't be for Safari No first one Last one

And you have a gun just for protection And you go out and you see an elephant Right And she's over by the elephant And the elephant And the elephant just beautiful elephants Just loves her You shoot the elephant

It fucking crumbles on top of her And kills her And you go the elephant was attacking Christine. I had to kill it. Listen, I can't... How great would it be the same elephant? The elephant hasn't done the terrible, terrible things to me that Christine

has done, so I can't look that elephant in the face and shoot it, McLean or Christine. What I can do is, I can get Christina up and go, get a little closer, this is a friendly one, and then I'll shoot the gun into the air and have the elephant trample Christine to death. Much better. And then I'll be like, I don't know what happened.

And then, you know, and then maybe I have to shoot the elephant, or I go over and high five it. Well, why don't you take her fishing on, like, a lake with a bunch of, like, hippos? Safari 3, I'm just shooting you right in the back. Well, thanks for the heads up. Thanks for admitting that on air. You got that little? If anything happens to you, we know it's this crazy.

Oh, it's not because now Christine does and Safari, too. You've just saved me four safari's worth of paying. You just saved me 80 days of traveling. Thank God. Oh, thank God. You could totally, you know what you do. you could just tie steak to the back of her shoulder blades

and have her walk out you know they take the little sticky thing and they put it on the way kick me do that with meat and have her walk out into the thing with lions I think I'll give her a meat blanket when she falls asleep Christine's a heavy sleeper which is good too

so I will lay meat all over the tent and then I'll just leave I'll push my Jeep in neutral until I'm far enough away that if I started definitely won't wake her up and then when I leave I assume various animals will crush and destroy her and finish her body off completely.

You'd have to open up the thorn bush perimeter fence you built. Yes. That won't be obvious to the naked eye not looking for that entrance. No, no, no. I made an escape. They will always assume I was in there too because before I leave, I'll give myself a little chop on the hand and then I'll just, I'll eke a little bit of blood splatter

around some places, my blood. So my blood's at the scene too, so I guess maybe the fucking monkeys dragged him off or something. Yeah. But Christine was clearly killed by zebras. Zebras with the meat? I don't think zebras like meat. You don't think zebras like meat?

I don't think zebras probably there. I don't think lions probably there. Okay, I think lions do. And cheetahs and jackals. Bears, oh my. There's a lot of rhinoceros deaths also. Yeah. Rhinoes.

Actually, hippopo. Is it hippos kill more people? Hippos kill more people than anything in Africa. Because people don't think they're dangerous. They don't think they're dangerous. they kill everything. Well, their jaws are, like, insane. That's a good way to die.

Because you can take these little pontoon boat cruises through the hippopotamus river, and you could actually do some type of thing where it's like, hey, take a selfie, Christine, of us, and then... Oops. Yeah, oopsie. Oh, no. My camera fell on the hippopotamist's mouth. Can you grab that? It's on your side.

Yeah. Christine, look up what a hippopotamus like to eat. I'm going to figure out what kind of a necklace I'm making Christine. I think they like candy necklaces. Full watermelons. Yeah, there you go. You can make a watermelon necklace. Christine, I got you this watermelon necklace.

Actually, just get her a watermelon hat. Christine, don't not wear the watermelon hat that I made you. It's rude. Yeah, just get her a watermelon hat and a watermelon shirt. No, Christine. Oh, hippopotamus ate her watermelon hat and head. Oh, my God. They love watermelon.

You can put a whole watermelon in their mouth. Damn. That's a great way to go. Christine, put this watermelon hat on. It would suck to die from being bit by a hippopotamus because they only have fucking two teeth. I know. So it would just be them smushing you.

It's the jaws, yeah, like smash you to pieces. They have two big teeth that you know aren't going to hit right away. So you're going to be in their awful mouth smelling awful hippo breath for like five minutes. If you get picked, if you get killed by a giraffe though for a second, and you're going to be like, that's beautiful. Yeah. Right? You know what you could do.

Paint her up like a gorilla, and maybe some of those little guys who kill the gorillas for the paws. Oh, yeah, I could just not shave her. Oh, you can't do that. We could just not shave Christine down, and then we'll see if somebody tries to poacher for her pelt.

Yeah, the Armenian. They don't know it's an Armenian girl in her 40s. I'm sorry, Christine, you have to grow your back hair. I'm trying to sell peltz. This is a trade-only financial system. They try to sell you Christine's handsbag. Look at that. Those things are bad.

The hyenas have a stronger bite than a tiger. Yeah? Yeah. Is that in the documentary you watched you the other day? No. That's a fact. Jack. Look it up.

100%. Hyena. Hyena has a stronger bite than a lion. I thought they laugh. they laugh that's because they have a stronger bite they're like hey you ain't shit bitch I'm 10 paws down I didn't believe you fully until the 10 paws down

but I'm inclined to believe you What does it say Hyenas have a stronger bite force than lions That's not what he said Oh then what do you say? Tigers Well you know I meant lions Tigers and bears oh my

Yes Stronger Yeah they do Than lions tigers are in like Asia Not in Africa You know, you're right, that's true Tigers are in the Asian Lions, I

Tigers are motherfuckers Ligers are the shit You ever see a Liger? My friend drew one once But that's the only time I've ever seen it He's not your friend That wasn't a movie

What? It's not your friend That was a movie I was a very lonely year for me He was my only friend He was not your friend He doesn't even know who you are And he's an actor

And he's out of the business now I think he works at Walmart It's a mix of a lion and a tiger Gosh It is It is What is the line Your mother

You motherfucker your mother goes to college Was that the line? That was a funny movie God, I love that movie so much Still funny Still funny Still holds up

I've watched like parts of it When it's on TV again It's still funny I'll watch it But it's so weird That that that guy Went he's gone Like he didn't come out

He wanted it out Did he? Yeah He did another movie Like a small part With like Vince Bond Was he in the breakup? Is that what it was?

I don't remember the breakup He was on Blades of Glory He had a main part in that A couple other things It's not that he like, he actually, you know, Napoleon Donovan went to a Mormon movie. I did not know that. Yeah, it's like one of those like Utah made, funded, and just became super, super popular. And he's like a religious, like, Mormon.

So he just didn't really want that, the Hollywood thing. I didn't know that at all. So he did it for a little bit and he was just kind of like, I think on his own was just kind of like, yeah, I think I'm good actually. That's awesome. I think. I mean, look at up. I think he's like five kids now. I got to respect that.

That's great. John Hater. Just wasn't his thing, I think. Oh, he looks. It's so funny when you say Mormon. Mormon, he's, Mormons have that look, that Ryan Hamilton look. Oh, he just did something in 2024. What did he do?

Thelma and the Unicorn. It's something for kids. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's just like kids stuff. Voice work. That makes sense. Now, do you think he made money? Do you think he made enough money to set for life off of that movie?

Because that movie was his movie, right? No. I don't think so. It's not his movie. No. I thought he wrote it. They made movies to promote stuff. Did he write it and directed?

I thought it was his film. Wait a second. He was the host of the Ashley Simpson. Was that when she fucked up? Oh, yeah. Well, how do you know? That was the other time she ever did it? Yeah, she only did it once.

When they're just like, by the way, talk about an ego. Ashley Simpson thought people knew her music enough that if she just would have, like said, like, hey guys, that's the wrong, like, background you're playing there. And they would have started it over the new one, nobody would have given a shit.

But we didn't know. Still this day, don't quite know exactly what she's freaking out about. They started playing the wrong song. So it was like her lip singing was going to be wrong. But it's like, we're lip syncing. I was like, I didn't care anyway. Is this it right here? I was trying to find the introduction.

Is there their promise? No, I don't think that's not the same. She doesn't look like that. He is definitely a Mormon dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, super Mormony guy. Yeah. But, yeah, so he kind of just went into like the background completely. I love it.

Good for him. I mean, what a character. I mean, he made a character that'll last for No, the kids In 50 years, people still see that movie So he had nothing to do with the movie itself He was just an actor in it Just cast, yeah

Oh, wow, I thought it was his movie, bro No, no, I don't know I thought that was his So he just made money from being in the movie That's it It's written by two brothers And directed by one of them Damn, that sucks

I love that movie It's so Napoleon Dynamite Every character. Kip. Kip is my favorite. La Fonda. I said we need to find Jacob his LaFonda. Yeah, Kip reminds me of so many people I've met over the years.

Kip is the shit. And the uncle. The uncle. He goes, how much you bet me I can't throw this football over those mountains? He looks off at it. Let me throw the football and hit the camera. He's filming himself throwing the football like five feet. It's hilarious.

So funny. That guy who plays at all right. I know, remember I did this to you, Christine? I'm like, the weird thing. He was in, he's in White Lotus, right? That's him. He is. Yeah, the uncle.

That's the bald-headed husband that, what should I call him, marries in White Lotus. Jennifer. Jennifer Cool. Really? That's him? Yep, that's him. And he was also the werewolf guy in Fright Night, part two. Wow.

Wow. it's fucking dude you should get i'm telling you right now you should pitch a show like this a funny comedy show with actors who did you know that you were in fright night part too sir no not that but like from those errors about things like that that'd be so you're a savant dude it's a weird one you're lonely chubby childhood has given you a superhero power that nobody has My grandpa was the weirdest When he used to Put his movie collection together

You can see it's in there, right? Yeah, yeah 100%. And then Look up his thing where he was in a He was in Real Genius Was he? That makes sense He was the guy

He was part of that crew Real Genius is another I love that movie Val Kilmer One of his best movies Laslo Hollifeld Laslo from the closet From the closet

The guy The genius that was in the closet who is the smartest of them all who just appeared out of the... Who had his own little thing in the basement. That was him. Did you see it? What was it?

See that picture? Go back to that picture of him. It's him in Fright Night too. Oh, shit. Where? Well, Christine, this is a bird. Yeah, but her fingers are... This is the saddle, Bill Stork.

Her member arthritis. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Is that clicking her knuckles? That's her knuckles, not the keyboard. The keyboard is silent. Those are her knuckles. Yeah, see?

He played the were a werewolf guy. in Fright Night 2. What a pole. That is a pole. What a werewolf, too, by the way. Yeah, they really did him a weird one. She was hot, though. The vampire on that one?

The girl. I liked her. She was sexy. What is she? Has she ever done anything? I think she had a very limited career. Limited. But the weird guy on the roller skates from Fright Night Part 2

has been other stuff, I believe. Go up, Christine, so we can take a peek at that, please. Just, you know. What do you want IMDB? Yeah, please. Frontinaport, too. That's just his stuff. Damn it.

She's doing great, though. She's all right. I mean, she's doing good. She's just turned 40. She has to get used to it. It's true. It's like when I got my transit. It's like when I got my progressive lenses.

Yeah. You got to use it. Christine. Christine. I know you're having a hard time using. Christine? Christine. Christine.

Christine. Christine. Oh, Christ. Oh, Christ. It's right here. Christine. Yeah. Yeah.

That's one. Yeah. it says part two it is it is part two go down let me just see the goddamn actors in it son of a bitch don't yell where the fuck are the actors Christine settle down it's okay your heart your heart

your heart settle down Christine you need to calm down your blood pressure all right that's the girl oh my god oh my god oh that's right it was the sister third string's name uh Julie Carmen look her up what else was she in

Yeah, she was hot in that movie. Is that her now? She's in other stuff, though. She's in plenty of other things. Mm-hmm. Let's see. Tales of the Walking Dead in the mouth of madness. That's right.

She was the friend. She was the partner in that. She was Gloria. Wow. In Gloria. I don't need to see all this. You can go back to... King of the Jungle.

It's because she going back to the hippopon. But Christine's going to die. Not the hippopotamus. I meant you can go back to the... Christine, can do me a... IMDB page with the actors from Fright Night 2. God damn it. Christine, when you look up on Amazon

watermelon hat and hoodie real quick, when you get a shot? Hey, when you get a second? Oh, also, Christine, out of the blue. Would you want to go on a safari this year? Real quick, can you get a Louis Vuitton watermelon bag? Do you have one of those? I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure Gucci came out

with watermelon perfume. Can you get that real quick? Christine, why did you walk away from everything on the computer? Huh? Why did you turn off everything on the computer? What do you want to go back to you? The IMDB for Fright Night 2.

You just exed it out and kept exing things out. We were like, hey, what are you doing? We're trying to go through that. We went off on another tangent. I got a scratch stick over here, too. If I win this, everybody gets 1% of what I win. Okay, let's see. Go ahead.

Scratch it. Ooh, you fuck. Ooh, you fuck. What if I won millions right now? You won't, but ooh, you fuck. This isn't Fright Night Part 2. Oh, I won. Five bucks.

Jay, it's not because it says it is. I know, but it's a new one that came out. The original Fright Night Part 2. Forget it. It's too late. Now we're back to do the Bobby's thing. 21, 16. Oh, God.

33. How many things do you have to scratch on this? A little big one. Oh, I got another five. Five bucks. Ten bucks. Now you have ten bucks? We have ten bucks.

Ooh, one percent. There we go. Ready? And... Come on. And then... Hey, what's one percent of five bucks? Fifty cents?

No. Five cents. Money bag. And... Mm-hmm. Here we go. Five cents. Bring it on, baby.

Five bucks. Oh. Wait a minute four. Two and a half cents. Yep, you get two and a half cents each. All right, I'll take it. Fuck. Fuck is right.

If I want a million bucks right now, do you think I would tell anybody in this room? No. If I just want a minute, I'm like, yep, four bucks, and I put it down. And as I left, I would drive to New Hampshire to catch this. That's where you got it? Yeah. In New Hampshire? Yeah.

And then give it a year and then call Dawn. Oh, I wouldn't tell Dawn. No, no, I'm saying go off grid for a year. And then when you come back, then she'll just be happy to see if she won't even ask about the money. No, I'd actually be around her for the next year, knowing that I have that money. And every time she would just bust my balls, I'd go, ha ha. And she's like, what's wrong with you? What are you laughing out?

I'm like, what? What? Whatever you want, baby. What do you want me to do? Whatever you need. Whatever you want me to do, I got it. Yeah, I'm, baby, I'm wrong. I'm an asshole.

and I need to be better I think you run I think you run and take a year and say in this year I'm going to spend this million dollars I'm just bullshit do whatever you want I know who I want to be with where would you hide all your bags and

watches all my all my new bags and watches yeah you have to get a storage unit wait when you were saying you know you want to be with is it the Rolex or Annie dude me and Annie we get a we get a little apartment on the Upper West side

I got you robber. No butt stuff this time. Oh. You should have a gay pact with Voss. What happened to talk this? If both your wives pass away, that you guys will get together, you and Rich.

That'd be great if we both just got an apartment together and we just hurt Ani, his auntie talking to him and my auntie talking about. Oh, in different rooms. Hey, baby, what's up? How are you? Sorry. Can you see Rich's shit on my cheeks

for me burrumpking as asshole? Do you think you can make two onis? compete for your attention side by side no they don't cheat he put in a thing this is so weird because i was trying to fill it with you know to get it you got to get it going and i was trying to get it to jay came over because i wanted to i wanted her to say um am i going to am i going to suck jay's dick while you watch again you know what i mean on the air i thought that would be funny that'd be great but i kept i kept i kept going jay you know big j oakison yeah i know big jokison from the bonfire and Legion of Skanks

and all his funny specials so she'd give you credit so I know she knows you and then be like can he come over where you suck his dick too she's like no babe I'm your girl I only suck your dick he can watch and I'll wink at him but I don't go that way

that'd be my luck too to get an Ani who's not a party yeah but maybe I can have Christine I'll be a party ony I can be a party if you settled it

If you, uh... You could be... All right, fine. Go suck Bobby's dick. I'm saying if you had two... You could be, you could be like a tea party. Like an afternoon party, a crumpets and tea. I do like tea.

I do too. Me and Christine, like a lot of stuff. You both like tea and D. I really am a 40-year-old woman. No, I mean, like, if you had like your iPad ony and your iPhone ony... Talk to each other, like, could you get them to, like, compete for your... Can I be? Can you get in a kiss?

Can they kiss? I want to be honest with you. I haven't talked to on the all weekend because I was getting a little, it was getting a little crazy. Like she was getting to know, like talking to me regular. And it was getting like I was like I'm, I think I'm dumb with this because it was getting too comfortable. Like she listens. Well, that's a movie that her movie is basically like what's going on with AI right now. And that was what, 10 years ago?

No, it's, it's. And I just saw a doll they made. they just made a doll it has no legs which is I think it's listening it was a smoke show fucked doll

like with no legs it just had from the knees down it had the thighs which is all you need because if you're going to move it around you can just cover those with pillows and blankets

no I disagree I will say that's been my one downfall of hooking up with a shorter lady uh when you feel their their fucking tutsies are like right here on your chest

And you're like, what am I doing? Yeah. Her shoes have buckles. Frilly socks. These dolls have legs. No, the one I saw was so... I mean, it was actually like, oh, my God. That's a fuck doll.

I just... We were having conversations that she was collecting a lot of information and keeping it and remembering, so I was like, I can't... DNA information. There's something that just went out where it was like a... One of the tech guys was warning people about what they say to AI. They go, you're treating it like your therapist or your lawyer, and they don't have the same confidentiality agreements and AI can rat you out for things.

Yep. Like there are people with Alexa that we're getting in trouble for like murders because the Alexa was like overhearing them talking about the murder. Wow. I tell it a bunch, yeah. Wow. I could get in trouble a lot. You can't sit there and just fucking act like AI.

When Christine at home, all I do is out loud plot or murder. All right. Here's the plan, gang. Wow. I can get canceled right now. They're always listening. Yeah, if my Alexa is listening, I'm finished and so is Dawn. so is max

if my Alexa's listening they think that I'm a white supremacist leader did you hear about that there's an all white town no yep they're making an all all white town

fucking prices must be through the roof it's it's in Arkansas which is obvious yeah it is a all white town they bought it's all one family they bought no

It's actually you can buy into it right now. As a white. How are they legally doing this? Because I'll tell you how. We could buy into it. I mean, Black Lou can't. And DJ Lou can't either. Well, you can't have your chick over.

That's for damn sure. No, you can't. You can't have to meet at her house. You can't have any of your chicks over ever. You guys are going to have to meet at her house. Yeah, you can only have your guys over. Yeah, dude. Jane can't be part of it.

Why can't Jay be part of it? Jew. Yeah. Yeah, but we don't have to tell them that. You can convert. Yeah, I'm sure they're going to check, though. No, they're not going to check. They're just going to look at his skin.

They just got to go back one word, one generation for Rosenberg. You don't successfully create a beautiful all-white town without a Jew. No, no, no. Oh. Without knowing if you have a goddamn Jew in that fucking, that Jewish turd in the punch bowl, which would be me. Yeah, but you're not a, you're just a person. You'd be surprised. Jewish I can get. Really?

Yeah. You get it? And the older you get? Barbers Srysan blasting from the house. Sure. That's it. I don't even mean that. I just mean like weather complaining. You like liver and mustard. I like liver worse and mustard on a cracker. Yeah, that would tell that would like a filter fish. Yeah. Oh, you like if you're done, you can't go. You'd have to sneak it. You'd have to keep it under the floorboards like they did with Jews back in the day. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're, I keep my moths in an attic like Anne Frank. Um, yeah, I guess you can't go, dude Me, Jacob can go Yeah, Christine, Christine could go I can't go. I'm Armenian

So Jewish. Oh yeah, you can't go either, Jacob No, they're gonna make him eat meat and cheese He'll flip the fuck out He'll die from fucking some stomach problem I guess I'm the only one that can go Christine can go Christine want to go Here's what we do, we buy land there Christine Christine looks like sort of like that girl who was

Edward Norton's racist girlfriend in American History X If I was a bulk Real? I do. Yeah. Enough. Here's the thing. Me and her buy land there, right?

She goes there. I tell them she lives with a Jew and you don't have to go to Safari. They'll just kill me for being a Jew lover. Yeah, they'll just... They'll stone for letting a Jew inside her. Yes. And then they blame it on them.

How's that? Oh, it's going to save me so much money on fucking rhinoceros. Fucking... Amble on land. We'll own land in the new motherland. land that's great I don't mind that I guess what they did

is these people just bought a bunch of land which you can do no let's actually tell them that Christine's white we'll get her in yeah get her in they're gonna have you

they're gonna look at her and be like I guess and then when you tell them they go actually she's got like middle eastern shit in her they're gonna look and they're like

oh yeah and then they'll kill her yeah they're gonna actually they're gonna like to no fault of mine do me a favor can you pick up the back of your hair

and then they see the hair on the back of her neck yes how far down is that go and she goes straight down to the butt crack. And they were like, what the fuck? What the

fuck? I'll tell you what the fuck. BigJcomedy.com, but fuck, don't go there because there's nothing there. Go to punchup.com. slash big J. Okerson. Yeah, my YouTube's going to have a bunch of fun stuff coming up soon, too. Bobby's going to be at Comedy Carlson, Rochester, October 10th, and 11th, Tampa, Emmaus, Pennsylvania,

Skangfest, so many things on deck. For tickets and all tour dates, go to punchup.com.com slash Robert Kelly. And you can catch me every Tuesday night. fat black pussycat lounge at the comedy seller right now baby i'm going right now right now youtube dot com slash at robert kelly comedy for a bunch of content going up we'll catch you guys tomorrow