The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - New Beginnings (feat. Chris Distefano)

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

Chris Distefano joins Jay and Dan on the Bonfire and the guys congratulate him on his newborn baby girl. Chris tells the gang about his new show he is hosting Backyard Bar Wars that pits two neighbors against each other in a backyard build-off to create their own bar. Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com@ChrisDComedy www.ChrisDComedy.com Watch Chris Distefano on Backyard Bar Wars premiering July 8th on TruTV#CrackleCrackle

Hey, I'm Big J. Okreson. And I'm Dan Soder and welcome to the Bond Fire Podcast. Yeah, it's a podcast and it's also a radio show. You can hear our full show every day on Series XM. Go to series6m.com slash Bond Fire for a special offer. And now, the Bond Fire with Big J. Okreson and Dan Soder. Our guest is the host of Backyard Bar Wars, premiering on July 8th on True TV. It's our old friend, DeStaffernow.

Dan, I got some info for you. Yeah, shoot. Okay, so, you know, I do my podcast. I got my podcast called the Chrissy Chaos podcast. Sure. I have, I have Jasmine, my girlfriend's transgender uncle T.T. Jerry comes on the show and he's a transgender guy. He's been in and out of prison for the last 25 years. He came on I saw I've seen the clips I've seen it. Okay. Yeah, it's great. So we did so so the other day on an episode we said like you know like that show Hot or not and we did it with comics and TT Jerry went fucking wild for you Dan and then we pull and then and then then, and then we like, we went into a little bit of your life, you know, like we googled stuff and like pulled up your name.

And he was, he told me because I was like, oh, I'm actually doing a show with him tomorrow. And he's like, well, you need to tell him that if he ever wants to come over to my way that he'll get his dick stuck right. And then he was like, and he was like, and his girlfriend needs to watch her back. So, no, I mean, I don't want you to. I swear to God. I love my girlfriend. I don't want her to. I swear to God. I love my girlfriend. I don't want her to get upset. Are you upset, Jay?

You said that. Well, no, Jay, Jay wasn't on. Jay wasn't on. TTC, anything about me? No, no, no. We pulled up Dan salt. We pulled up Dan. We pulled up Dan, Norman and Gary Veter.

Dude, what did you do? By the way, you were one more handsome guy away from me being like, oh so you only also made it like super handsome guys Veter saved your ass. What if Veter would have won? What if you would have won? Fuck all of them. She would have crushed you TTT's convinced Norman's gay. She was like, oh, I know he's gay. She's like, as a matter of fact, I may have seen him at the clubs I was like, he's deflating Norman's like, hey, of fact. I may have seen him at the clubs No, it's like hey once I'm we're sucking each other Hey pump it pump it trip of it hey Come on my mouth you queer Well you congratulations not only on the show but of the birth of your second daughter

Violet is it violet my like out the L Island violet my second Puerto Rican daughter I'm a hero. I mean a lot of white people are out there that go in a protest and they're talking about what they do for people of color I'm making people of color. So yeah, you're now I do this real Alan Yes, our wars Back What I was gonna say is are you that's why called him Chrissy put his dick and anything to step in Chrissy and banana cock Spooge in you old Spooge in you to step in

Yeah, I mean yeah, oh, what are you gonna say? No, I was just gonna say it was like classic me again like you know just nine months ago No, I was just going to say it was like classic me again, like, you know, just nine months ago Sex once boom baby here. We are just what it is most potent sperm and on this side of the Mississippi It's crazy. I think you're like Bob Marley. You probably have kids everywhere that you're not telling us about Dude Yeah, I know I feel like I actually can't believe two things I can't believe is I can't believe that I only have two Children, you know that I know that and also I can't believe I don't have Herpes. It's one of those things where it's like even like every time I get SDD tested I'm like I check again. I know I have to have herpes, but I swear to God I don't I've never had it Herpes one or two like you like those World War two veterans that survived the storming of Normandy

You know when he like ran up the beach and I can't get shot once. He's like, no, ran clear from the boat up right there to the machine gun tour. I thought her piece was jelly. It was a jelly bean in my dick hair. He was jelly belly. So it looked flesh colored. Yeah, it was a phone out of my mouth when I took a fucking, when I took a fist in, I took a fistful. One snagged away and went my bush. Well, Chris, now that you have two small children, big J found a book near him that he brought. This was a topic you would have had on Legion of Skanks. So we'll bring it to you in the less, less offensive form. Definitely less offensive form. By the way, check out Legion of Skanks comes out

on Friday on Gastid or on YouTube. Well well I found out there is a lot of books that feature illustrated children's books that feature special needs children which gives which gives the artist artistic liberty to create what they think a drawing of a handicap child it's pretty pretty bleak, and we went through that and that was hilarious. They take some liberties that are kind of cruel in certain points. That's not necessarily bonfire material.

That's late. Now that's after hours, Legion of Skank stuff. But what we did decide to look up today was, because somebody sent me another one that was like so your daddy's going to jail. So I was like, oh, there's all kinds of just wacky topics for books. Yeah. Like, just to have people, they think kids want to read books.

Like, I don't think this eases the blow. I don't think giving them cards, you know, puppetry to go like, I'm sorry, your dad left, because your mom got too fat. Would you give you... What? I'm sorry your dad left because your mom got too fat. Would you give you what? What are you going to say? No, I was saying what is this say mom and dad glue? Yeah, it's about divorce.

There's different. Oh, they're all about. Oh, okay. Arrhyming short story about coming the terms with his parents divorce. That's fine. That's understandable i think the divorce the divorce uh... genre has been explored for decades now we start getting the fucking silly brains

yeah dislex dyslexia i don't maybe i have it and learning differences why does katees why do you use the book the book is co-eat the book is called if you're so smart how how come you can't spell Mississippi? Oh Suck on that then dude. I can't spell miss can you spell Mississippi with your eyes closed? M I M I double S I double S I double P I yeah MS MS S I SSI PPI

Why can't you spell it? Because you're a learning different kid. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, by the way, don't name your kid's Katie. It turns out. Because odds are it's a girlfriend's name.

And there she's in everyone in these books. Every one of these books has a Katie. Yeah, for sure. That's Katie's always special needs. Are you going to buy books, specific books for your daughters? Called like Why Daddy's on the road? No, I mean, you know. Why is my mom so fiery, my dad so bland?

Why does my mom always hit, why does mom always hit daddy with a frying pan? Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, you know, my daughter, the, you know, she reads, she reads a lot of like, to be honest, dude, her favorite fucking, by far favorite books are Dr. Seuss, all the Dr. Seuss books, she absolutely loves.

So it was like, when all that Dr. Seuss shit was happening, I was like, you know, talk to Jasmine, I was like, you know, should we like not be giving her Dr. Seuss books? And she was like, no, she was like, fuck that. She was like, we're giving her, it's kind of awesome to be what you're asking because she's like a Puerto Rican girl,

but is so like anything that's like woke or she just fucking loses her mind about. What you would think like a Latina, like Latin X, she was like, that's the dumbest thing she's like, if you ever call me Latin X, she's like, I'll slap you right in your fucking face. But you know, but you know what's funny? Like, when you ever call me Latinx, she's like, I'll slap you right in your fucking face. But you know what's funny? Like, when you go back on those things,

like they used to have like the really, like there was very racisty cartoons like with like, oh, it's funny stuff. And like when I started the Doctor's Suciting, I was like, what books are they getting rid of? I go there, so, and then I think on Legion of Scams, we did like go through them a little bit. I'm like, oh, there's like stuff, I didn't realize those like stuff that was I thought I was like trying like make connections

You know, yeah, like oh you understand clear that the Who's are the black people? I wasn't like that. It was like actually was like big lip like Sambo drawing Like in Dr. Susbos. Oh shit. I didn't know that Because those ones didn't become, those ones probably phased out a long time. But that makes me, that makes me think, like did Charles Schultz and like peanuts, that he have like questionable drawings,

those are like the old tweets for artists. Do I go, we're old drawings. Yeah, I mean, you know, she, it's crazy. Like being, you know, like Jay, like you know, like being a parent, it's kind of like, like all these issues, like it's almost like there's too many issues now where I'm just like, I don't know, just treat everybody with kindness and respect. If somebody disrespects you, just punch them in the stomach and then tell the teacher, like, just like, I don't know, like, I like give up.

I'm like, you know, like, you know, she was like, you know, the ice cream people in Bay Ridge, they had F, they still have Eskimo pies. And you know, my daughter was eating an Eskimo pie a remember last summer. And people were like, is this racist? Should we be still serving Eskimo pies? I'm like, yeah, it's fucking good. Yeah. Eskimos, it's a fun, what do you order?

Oh, fuck, Inuit pies, they sound like they suck. Inuit pies. It does. It does. It's a fun, what do you order? Inuit pies, they sound like they suck. Inuit pies. It does. That's gotta be tough, especially if you are, if you, dude, if you're that settlers pie. Yeah, that sounds like it's gonna be a white man pie. It's just vanilla ice cream.

Pie in the ear, pie, in the ear, pie. This is taste. It's a little different flavors from all these different cultures. If you're an in you And you're like yeah, dude, but I love Eskimo pies. It's also Eskimo is such a fun word. Well, you know, too There's my my you know my daughter on her mom's side is Columbia and Argentinian so same thing God you guys got real Latin fever, huh? Oh, yeah, dude

But you guys like a spicy thing like it's the same thing like my daughter like I just, I don't know I've always just spoken like not freely in front of her for sure like I explain her pretty young what different screen like a joke was and being shitty to people or being mean. You know and like she developed kind of a thing but yeah I don't know it's like to over like but she doesn't care. I said I've said this on stage a bunch too like, my daughter was so happy at 18 years old when I called her to ask her if she was excited about Biden winning

and she was like, out of the win. And I was like, good, don't give a fuck either way. Exactly, you're 18. Who gives a shit? Oh man. So many 18 year olds do. And I'm happy she doesn't die. I'm so happy that she's like, I don't know.

There's a different universe where Jay's daughter is just writing his ear about every episode of Legion of Skanks like you I think I think on the most basic level like she's a person if someone's like It's a Trump person over there that she probably assumes that they're like, you know, she's assuming like The caricature of what they've made that but like I don't think she overly gives a fuck you know, I mean Yeah, yeah, like she doesn't you know, she's assuming like, the caricature of what they've made that, but like, I don't think she overly gives a fuck, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like she doesn't, she's not like,

oh, Biden won, like, freedom for this country, you know, whatever shit she has no passion like about any of it, which is absolutely okay with me. Yeah. I can't imagine, I can't give a fuck about anything. Now, the kid, and you know what, like, I mean, I live in Bay Ridge, where it's like, it's like a different world out here.

We're like, yeah, none of the kids even care. The 18-year-olds, there's no, first of all, there was no protest or anything happened in this neighborhood. It just never, because I think like this is where, a lot of the off-duty police live here. So like, nobody came marching. I remember when the big marches

like happened in the summer. I was like, oh shit, like, you know, like I was like, you know, we should go outside. And you know, it's like, you know, the message I agreed with like the message. And then we went outside, me and my daughter went outside. And I swear to God, on my block,

just on my block, I saw five off-duty cops sitting outside in their portraits with their service weapons in their laps. Teasing. Just waiting for somebody to come down the block and I was like wow I live in a different part of Brooklyn Crazy the only parade that's happening is that's what our guns money That was the funny thing was being like

Barricaded in we lived on the ninth precinct block in these village before, during all the black lives matters. So we were like fenced in behind behind the cops. What they, you know, but they were barricading was our block. So we'd be behind the cops. And there's nothing funnier than just like the, like, you can't explain with your eyes or anything, while you're standing on the side of the police wall. 2000 black people marched by yelling at the cops and I'm a behind them, I'm like, go.

Yeah, it looks like no matter what I'm going, I'm going like, go. Get out of here. Get out of here. No matter what you're looking at. What are you looking at? Standing all the way behind or going? Don't touch my block.

Get him out of here. Yeah, look, you can't know if you're just on their team. That's so funny. They're like, why are you over there? Also imagine the idea, if I make a spectacle of myself, like, oh, let me out of these barricades, and then I march, and then when I get tired of marching, I come back and go, hey, you guys,

let me back out of these barricades. I live on the block right there. What if, and that's how you have to get out to get smokes? You're like, let me out. I want social justice. I'll send you to pack a smokes. Well, that was a lot that they had to move the gates for us to pull our car out or to pull off. And so then it looked like you were being protected completely, completely.

We also have a black Ford Explorer, which looks like it's just a police vehicle. Obviously. So I was like, and with so sometimes they'd be like, we're shutting the block down. We were turning on to it, the park. We go, we live on the block and they go, sorry, we gotta keep it shut down. I go, guys, please don't make me park a black Ford Explorer like near here. Like, let me just get it in front of the place. I got fake lights in the back. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna tell you right now.

I impersonated police officer. One time I got pulled over, this is like, I don't know, maybe like two years ago, it was like right before the pandemic, so whatever, 18 months, I got pulled over and I was like, you years ago. It was like right before the pandemic So whatever 18 months I got pulled over and I was like you know going to get my life to registration And the cop came up to me and he looked and goes oh you want the cover? I was like What it goes you're in the cover. They go sorry and then you like read back to his car and spread off

So just off my look he thought that I was under he thought he pulled over something like an undercover cop I was like oh I was I didn't know what to say but I was, I didn't know what to say, but I was like, I don't know what to say. I didn't know vice was out tonight. All right. Hey, God bless. I hope you stick that motherfucker. I hope you bring down all of him and all of his compatriots. 30 fucks. So that's why we got this business. Well, that's why when you popped up in that damn Michael Che in the first episode, I was like perfectly cast, perfectly cast.

And this is, this is how crazy this world is. I do that sketch, you know, because like, uh, uh, uh, Chey texted me a couple of nights before he goes, Hey, I just wrote a part for like, uh, like a racist, like a racist, but fun, loving cop. And I thought you'd be perfect. I was like, okay, thank you, I guess. And he was, and, and, and he was like, uh, so, you know,

did the show, whatever. And then somebody put it on TikTok, that scene put it on TikTok, I got like, I'm not lying, like maybe 50 messages from people calling me a racist and what a pig I am, and how disgusting I am. I was like, I was acting. Michael Chey wrote that, not me, I read his lines. Chey just got you in trouble.

I just hate you. You have to even start saying that that you actually reply to anything like that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, And then I don't check anything. The only way that I know messages come in or out of comments is homeless pimped, the guy that produces all my stuff. He has the codes to my stuff and he looks at the messages. If there's anything like crazy or like, he brings something to my attention that we could talk about on the show.

But dude, it's not a part of my life anymore and my mental health has went up like so much just from getting out of it. Because I realize, I mean, I know we all know this, but now to like live it where it's like, once you just getting out of it, because I realized, I mean, I know we all know this, but now to like live it where it's like, once you just get out of social media, like all those problems, they don't exist. Like in the real world, if you don't watch the news

and go on social media, pretty much everything is okay. Like you don't have any action. Like you know what I mean? Like if you're healthy and your family's healthy, I know each people I've individual problems, I'm sure, but it's like you just like, I couldn't believe like how like unbelievably better my life got when I just disconnected from all this shit

and just try to control the problems that are in front of me. If I see somebody getting hurt or sick or whatever, any injustice, yeah. Do you think a TikTok person who gives you shit for being racist on a clearly filmed for television thing? Do you think they live in a world where they're like they believe Edward Norton was like a Skits of Frenic murder who then became a racist that went to jail turned his life around came out and got in the fight club I don't even start me on the key on the race. They became the Hulk. They go. Keanu Reeves for a while

Like they just everything. They're just fed they go like yeah, Keanu Reeves. They go, Keanu Reeves for a while. They just, everything they're just fed, they go, yeah, that all adds up. Keanu Reeves is lived a similar one. Yeah. From being the boyfriend of a girl in high school, to then moving on to be in an excellent adventure. In wild stallions.

I mean, yeah, social media is gonna be one of those things where in 20 years, they're gonna understand what it actually does to us mentally and so they'll be like outlaw the algorithm that is gonna play our generation. I mean as you're saying it, as you're saying it, it's making me like, just go like, I can't get off it like totally. I really like it. Dude, all our friends who were ever, you know, last year will, you know,

quote unquote, cancels for whatever whatever they did it only existed on Twitter and Instagram in the real life like when they went to Starbucks Nobody cared. Yeah, nobody cared right at all like you know what I mean like the average person doesn't know what the fuck We're talking about when you talk about a cancel culture. They're like what I drive a bus like Oh, you be surprised that you be surprised. Everyone's kind of has jumped in though. I mean, like, I see my mom on Facebook enough now to even go like, damn, I know she's not on Instagram and jumped over to that, but the fact that my mom has figured out Facebook at all.

Yeah, blows my mind. But my argument to that, my argument, again, to each their own, but my argument to that would be because her son is an entertainment. She's kind of forced to be a her son is in entertainment, she's kind of forced to be a part of it or get, you know, because she supports what you do, but the people that like have nothing to do with it, like I do it, like two years ago, right?

It's just like at the height of like the me too, shit, whatever, like two years ago, I was out in Suffolk County, Long Island, at a friend's house, and they were having a party. And this, you know, 30 year old school teacher, you know, female school teacher we were talking and she was like, you know, I forgot, like, something somehow like Louis CK came up. And I was like, oh, like, I think I was like, oh, Louis, my favorite, you know, comic or whatever.

And she was like, that's awesome. Mine too. I was like, oh, really? I was like, I was like, you're like, you're not scared to say that nowadays. And she was like, what are you talking about? This is like at the height of everything. I was like, you know, like Louis thing. And she was like, what are you talking about? This was like at the height of everything. I was like, you know, like Louis thing. She was like, what do you mean?

I was like, to me too, stuff. And she was like, what? And then I was like, yeah, you like jerked off in a plant and did this and did that. And she was like, oh God, she was like, and he's getting in trouble for that. She was like, that turns me on if you jerked off into a plant. And I was like, I was like, yeah, I was like, yeah.

I was like, oh, so you don't care at all. She was like, no, she was like, I couldn like, yeah, I was like, oh, so you don't care at all. She was like, no, she was like, I couldn't care less. And that's why I want to kind of want to watch her jerk off into a planet. Yeah, and that's why I like, that's why I like being with Jasmine, because she just doesn't care. She's like, listen, Chris, if you ever fucking did anything to me or something like that, you know, like, like made me

feel inappropriate, she was like, I would just throw you out the window or punch you in the stomach. I would, so shut up. And I'm like, oh feel inappropriate. She was like, I would just throw you out the window or punch you in the stomach. I wouldn't, so shut up. And I'm like, oh, okay. So this is like, I've just grew up around like Bulldog, like, like women. You know, so I sometimes like when all these things happen, like that's why I just just connected.

I was like, everybody seems mad on social media about things, most things don't affect people the way they think of it. So you're getting at it shit. That's happening 3,000 miles away. You have nothing to do with it. You just want to be part of some fucking bullshit team. So I'm like, I'm disconnected.

I'm with the kids. I'm watching Record Ralph, watching Cozita Linda when I believe that comes over. We eat and rice and beans. We're having a good time. We're doing backyard bar wars and that's it. And I'll kill myself tonight. Fuck yeah. Yeah, I know. I know I know I know a ton of time with you. So I love just talking shit with you back and forth, but please tell us about the show

So backyard bar wars July 8th 10 30 comes out Right after impractical jokers. It's one of your two TV family dude. Now you're a made man I'm in the true TV family. It's one of those things where I dude now you're a made man. I'm in the true TV family It's one of those things where I'm pretty sharp it gets a second season. I'll just get replaced by Joe Gatto Which will be fine? Yeah, they're gonna have a hammer Kee were gonna take over Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll just fucking come over with Joe Gatto Just get taken over and that's fine and it's a good show dude

It's just we build bars we build bars and you did it during COVID right like he was still doing it We're still doing like shit was you you were in California doing like Gavin Newsom lockdown COVID Oh my god, dude in the pilot when we were shooting the pilot I mean people were coming out and fucking Chernobyl suits like they were walking at a nuclear reactors Just to do this show on the set of true TV and I'm on the set of these bars And I was just like, I was just like, you know, this is a lot, but, but, you know, we're did it. We're almost through.

We got two more episodes left to film. And it's a fun show, man. I mean, people are you guys doing like a bracket style, or is it like over the season of champion? No, not yet. That's not, I think if it gets a second and third season, that would be a great idea. But right now, it's basically too,

to say like, you know, like Dan and Jay, you guys both have, you know, houses and bars in the backyard, just backyards, no bars there yet. So you both want bars. So we both give you $25,000. And you design and build like the sickest bar that you could imagine, like, you know,

with the help of contractors, there's these two other guys on the show called Anton and Anthony Downing, identical twin brothers from Chicago. They help like you design the bar and it has to have each. I wanted to build the guy at Dan Barr by showed up and he drank out of his damn money.

One of the Chicago twins. I can't build the guy at Dan Barr, he's an alcoholic, he drank out of it. If I feel like if you don't have a pool in your backyard, what do you do? Then I then I say you shouldn't be able to compete. Yeah. Well, the people that have the pools in their backyard, they already have like this advantage that like nobody wants to admit.

And every episode when I asked somebody who's got the pool in the backyard, I'm like, well, you're going to win. And they're like, you can't say that because we need stakes so people watch the show and like it but there's fucking absolutely no way the person I mean you gotta be a you have to be a buffoon to think that the pool's not gonna jump Everybody thinks about getting a little goofs at the bar and then jumping And god damn pool. I would tell you to do it back yard drunken Wonk around with your friends on uncomfortable furniture That's stupid. A couch. A pool even invites the idea that maybe the guy who's hosting the parties,

fucking weird, chubby wife gets drunk and pulls her bikini top off and jumps in the pool, stupid crazy. You're trying to get you. I would tell you, I would tell you just to be in the game, you need a hot tub. Yeah. No, no, just a hot tub. A lot of people get hot tubs put in because you can get you can get as part of your

bar, you can get like accessories, like you can do just 25 grand back just to pool 25 grand, not enough at all. Yeah, I feel like, you know, so, so, so what, so what happens is then you get all right, sorry, sorry, my daughter's, she's like like she's trying to go to sleep. I'm like all right I feel like this be a spoiler but did anybody have the idea of Building a bar around a really nice above ground pool. I know it's almost an oxymoron But is this are you garbage? Now you're not wrong about that because I use I do use the above ground pool as an example

of being garbage for sure. But I wonder if anybody was so garbage. But for 25 grand and above ground pool is very cheap. So you can build a badass bar possibly around. Yeah. And above ground. And that's what I'm saying because we're at least for the first season, the backyards that we're in, like deep in the valley and in the LA area, they're pretty nice backyards, you know, already. So, and the bars are sick. They genuinely are like unbelievably like crazy bars. But if we get a second season, that's what I want to do. I'd rather go, I want to go to Delaware County, I want to go to New Jersey, I want to go

to like fucking Baltimore and just build the, just go deep and just build these bars around the above ground pools You know the porches the fucking you know the little barbecues in the backyard That's what I want to do because I feel like that then we'll get like real Genuine real characters somebody will die during taping Do it where productions nervous every day. Yeah, there's insurance problems you run into where you guys got to take a week off. Liability issues. Yeah, I like all of that. I would say by season five, take it to the high planes.

Go call a motto. Get real dangerous and maybe even go to Wyoming or Nebraska. Go somewhere real rural. Yeah, yeah. Well, there was a cast there was a casting issue on one of the episodes. One of the contestants like they did a background check and found out that they used to deal like meth and phedomines and they're like,

oh, they can't compete on the show. I'm like, why would you not put them on the show? That's the guy that needs to be on the show. He's fucking selling meth to me and the Downing Brothers while they're building these bars. That's what we need. By the way, I got a guy I'm messing with, save on his labor.

I was gonna get $0.25, because he's gonna go out there. That guy's working through the night. I don't know if he's gonna have the best25, because he's gonna go out there. That guy's working through the night. I don't know if he's gonna have the best bar, but he's gonna have the cleanest bar. He's gonna have the cleanest bar, and I'm telling that guy, Hammer's Nails, at a rate that you'd almost have to buy a machine to do.

Factory like, just poop, poop, poop. Dude, and then whoever loses, because then your bar gets judged by like your friends and neighbors, and then whoever loses has to get punished, because it's true TV and they can't have a show without punishment. Nice. I would think you just take the bar away. Why wouldn't you do that? When you make just give me back that bar you lost. That's what I thought would have been better instead of a punishment is

whoever loses we literally like their bar on fire. That's a massive up or something. Yeah. That's not a terrible idea. What kind of punishment? Hey, Jacob. For a short time. That sounds like my kind of show. Who is just built a backyard bar? I know. We were doing a, we were doing the war report earlier today. And he showed us his backyard.

It was nice. So some of the punishments like, you know, like, down like a slip and slide with like beer and nacho cheese, then they, then they hook this other guy up to like this wheel and they spun him around in this wheel And they shot him with a super circle filled with vodka. They were shooting they were doing that Then you have like people in like a boy punishment You guys you guys got to get spanked by all these Hawaiian Tropical models get a bob for tampons and tequila Who'd be even better as if you made all the losers go to A A

and work the 12 steps. You have to work it hard. You have to have a commitment. Yeah. A one year commitment to A A. You can't drink, bud. You lost bar wars. You got to go fucking put it together. Get that. I remember the bar wars. Oh, the bot. What's stopped you from drinking people?

It was the bar wars of 2021. Yeah, you from drinking people because the bar wars of 2021 Yeah, then somebody was from Montreal and they just they they dumped a fucking poutine all over them It was pretty gross. Oh man. That does sound more party and sexual than actual punishment. Yeah, probably easy to get Though put just bottoms of poutine. No, dude. We were in California. We were like we were like in like Van Nij's California the poutine. It wasn bottoms of poutine. No, dude, we were in California, we were like, we were like in like, Van Nye's California, the poutine, it wasn't even poutine, it was just like french fries and mashed potatoes and like slices of craft American cheese. We were just, it's quarter poutine.

Oh, that's a big combo. Yeah. I'll say the garbage again though, you're not looking at it, it's not a pretty site, but what you just described french fries, mashed potatoes, it sounds good. Craft slices, you're not looking at it. It's not a pretty safe, but what you just described French fries, mashed potatoes, and craft slices. You're not looking at it. Maybe there's a little ketchup on the plate from something else. You'll choke it down. You'll choke it down. Not bad. That would destroy my fitness belt. I'm going to get my shape now, dude.

I was trying. I was trying, but then after the baby is born, like, you know, I'm just going to lose it all again. I'm just like, I'm just accepting that it's not going to happen for me. And I'm just going to try to be as, I'm going to try to look as decent as I possibly can in close because the thing with me is I'm a, I'm a, you know, I'm a surprise. A lot of times like people go, you're in such good shape and then I take my shirt off and they're like, what happened there? Like, you know, like, they're like, I'm a, I'm a surprise body with you too. Some people are like, oh, and I take it off and they're like, Louis Katz was legitimately upset with my torso

when we filmed the Maurizia video. He took my shirt off and he was like, what are you doing? I think I bring what you're expecting for the popped old shirt off. But Jay, but I'd rather be that because with Dan and I, there's these expectations. And then like, you know, you're just like, you know,

it's just bad. Like, I told the story once, sorry. So when they just come and like, you know, you're just like, you know, it's just bad. Like I told the story once. Sorry. So when they just come and like, oh, is that one fucking slob in those two-in-shape guys? Yeah. And then we all got to get them shirts off. Yeah. Although that was funny. I did, of course, was that Christina said that when you yelled at me for ruining everybody's time in the pool? Because I'm such an insecure idiot. Like I hate like that I was I love swimming sure and I'll never swim in a shirt So but it's just like the idea of so many people there that I don't hang with like a ton also, you know like Just see when my shirt off in a pool is a go-wee. I don't know so

But when everyone took their shirts off my gut and that pool out in Vegas I was so not intimidated by everyone's right When I got in the pool, I went, you know this hole is a dad bod squad. That was a dad bod squad. And then I called it, I said, I called it dad bod squad. And then when I told Christine that, she was like, why do you have to ruin everyone else's time?

Because you have a little security. She's right. I mean, once, once, once. Hey guys, the drill. Not great. Once Joe Derosa went in the pool, no shirt on. I was like, I'll fuck this. I'm better than him. I'm not gonna lie. You guys jump Joe Dero. Joe Dero, not great. Yeah. Once Joe Dero's a one in the pool, no shirt on, I was like, oh, fuck this, I'm better than him.

You guys jump by the way, by the way, Joe's blind. Joe, here's why I did it. When Joe took his shirt off to simply sit down and smoke a cigarette, I was like, shirt off and sitting down. The confidence I go, dude, I peeled right down and jumped in that pool. Dare I say I was, I'm fine, dude. Dare I say I was peacocking around that pool. And Joe did it. So took a shirt off.

Oh, yeah. I was like, oh, man, that can do this. I'm in that this plan. I was walking on going, ladies. I love Joe. Because Joe owns it completely. He'll like squeezes titties together and say, yeah, I can't play around like that, man. No.

And, and, and, and, and women think he's handsome. Like, even jazz, when I was like, well, look at Joe, at Joe D'Arosa She was like I don't know what it is I'm just looking guy. I've always like I think he's attractive. It's just bothers me He calls to show back yard barn wars because he says I'm a pig Oh God, I fucking love that guy love the rose. Yeah, Joey D You know, man some fella for sure He's a girl. He looks like when he looks like curls come out too. Oh, absolutely. Joey D. No, Joey, man. It's in fella for sure. He's in his carol. When he was in his carols, come out too.

Oh, yeah. That little Egyptian hair. Oh, yeah, dude. You got to bring him on the show as the appraiser. But I kind of found, I kind of like was able to watch Joey discovering his stud hood because when he first moved to New York, I mean, he'd only slept with it that point. Some were like four with girls, maybe, or maybe a little less, I think.

And then like, he was like, you know, in early 20s. And then he just, when he came to New York, when he started, it was like, it was happening for us fun to watch. Weel and in dealing. Weel and in dealing, dude, crushing that head. Then there was a short period of time where if you met a girl comic, and you know, if you met Joe DeRosa, like, yeah, fuck them. Oh, yeah. He banged like every girl comic at one point you met Joe the Rosa like yeah, fuck them I bang he banged like every girl comic at one point because that was what Chris and I were coming up I remember that yeah

Because he hung me a couple of times Yeah, he hung till 5 a.m. That's why dude. He played the long game. They're long the one night long game I should say and he'd be like oh this game is a crazy game Dude, there was is a crazy game. Dude, there was a couple of dates. There was a couple of dates I went on. When I was single, like, you know, like, whenever 10 years ago, where it's like, Tom,

like, oh, I really like this girl. And then I'm like, you ever hooked up with any other comics? Like, you know, out there. And like, one, you know, girl was like, Joe DeRosa. I was like, check, please. Just, yeah, no, that's what I'm supposed to do. Because that makes you go over that. I will be able to get over that.

Yeah, no. Because he's a buddy, too. Oh, Joe is DeRosa. Christine threw me John F. O'Donnell with a giggle. I will be able to get over that yeah, no cuz he's a buddy too I think Christine threw me John F. O'Donnell with a giggle like let's just lay off that off together and I was just I was like Oh my god, I was like you never you never hooked them with the other comics have as she goes Oh, you're gonna laugh at this one? Jonathan Fodona went, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He just it's not you know, you know what it is he just no for sure, but I didn't even know he had to bunch of stuff out like that Oh shit. Yeah, our things happening then we gotta stuff right now Chrissy D go check them out on backyard bar wars a new home renovation series on true TV July 8th at 10 or 10 30 Oh, it's 30 10 30 p.m. Go follow them on it's Chrissy D comedy with Christopher

website my website for stand-up dates is Chris D comedy dot com That's what we just opened up tickets and Providence wrote island and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania should get those tickets now July and August Chris is fucking a little let's go check them out on the road big J comedy dot com dance center dot com We will catch you guys tomorrow live at five. Oh, just make it some more fire. Live at five, get wrong. Life is sick, bro. You got skill, Nancy.