The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - News Is Crazy with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

Ari Shaffir is filling in for Big Jay and he goes through the list of 7 U.S. presidents that are rumored to be gay. They watch Bobby's Tonight Show set and Ari tries to punch up a few of his jokes. Bobby says he has a healthier body than Ari so one of them proceeds to get naked in the studio and show off his hemorrhoids. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly There's a weight limit at this party We're coming back with fat and gay Having rerun dance over Lizzo. Yeah, it's such a good idea Is that the gong show that he was on we'll watch in rerun on the gong show, right Or is that the show on the gong show? Yeah, it's, it's, it's the gong show on, on what's happening.

On what's happening. What's happening? Um, Jacob was very mad during the break. Why is that Jake? Cause, uh, of the gay. Undertrons. No, no, he's not. He's still mad at that Brazilian hooker.

He's like, I know it's just like an idea of a situation, but like, I didn't care for it. I don't like that. I don't like that. No, he was mad because of the president being gay. He doesn't think... I'm saying out of all the presidents, 46 presidents? 46?

Is it 46 or 47? 46 46 presidents One of them has to be gay You can't have that many You can't have every single But if you're found out to be gay, you're out Why? Because of America I don't know about that

So nobody outwardly gay, you're eliminating all outwardly gays from president It's common Oh I's oh, it's come Oh, I can't wait for a gay a full gay president. Did you try to fuck someone in the Oval Office? Yes. Yeah It's yeah. Yeah Seven you were US presidents who were rumored to be gay or bisexual Yeah, seven Jacob who we got seven who we got Johnson. Yeah, he was no way Why not? Why can't he be gay? Why that one? Whyon Johnson. Yeah, he was 100%. No way. Why not?

Why can't he be gay? Why that one? Why did that one get you more than? Because he's like a southern badass. I just went to a fucking park and there was 19 guys that looked just like him sucking each other up. Southern gays look like that old rooster. Touche.

Touche. Here's the problem, is you have gay as, hey, New York gay, hey, what's up? There's a lot of guys that are just like, hey man, nice to see you, what's happening, dude? Yeah, but these aren't that type. This is like before you knew what gay was kinda gay. Yeah, before, yeah, when it was a sin.

Oh, hello. And it was like, he's weird. Back when you were just weird? Yeah. Yeah, who's that one? That's James. James Buchanan, nobody remembers him even that he was president until he just came up.

I'll give you him. He's definitely gay. Look at him. Kennedy is a big one. Kennedy. Kennedy. Look at that picture, bro. While'll give you him. He's definitely gay. Look at him. Kennedy is a big one. Kennedy. Look at that picture, bro. While he was banging the hottest women on the world. Yeah, he's banging the hottest women.

What happens after you bang all the hot women? Where do you go? The hot men. You bang more, you die. You gotta go try, you gotta dip your foot into the pool. Wait, that was him on the left? The left left? Damn, what's the arm in arm with the dude for?

That's his brother. This guy was one of the best, I'm not the best. He was a player. He was a pussy hound, yeah. He was one of the best, him and his brother. One of the best. And you get sick of it. No way.

You do, Christine. It's an old broken bit, it's about Hugh Hefner, fucking dudes, he goes, I guess once you've had too much sex with girls, I guess you wanna try a guy.. He goes, you know, I guess when you've had too much sex with girls, I guess you wanna try a guy. And he goes, well read a book. There's so many other things to do if you're bored of women. Yeah, Rubik's Cube.

Lots and lots of stuff. Take a walk. Yeah, but guys, that's the thing where guys don't think that. Yeah. People are like, oh, I could've just read a book. Who can I fuck now? Barack Obama, now that's been a big rumor. Well that's the thing that, I mean they say that.

You've never heard that? You've never heard Big Mike? He's married to a man. You've never heard that Big Mike? No. You don't know that they think Michelle was a dude? Mike Obama? Mike Obama?

Show the pictures. Show the Ellen pictures. Oh dude, listen, there's a picture of. Show the pictures of her next to Ellen. Oh no. She's towering over with a bulge. It's so well done. It's not even a, listen, there's a picture of. Show the pictures of her next to Ellen. She's towering over with a bulge. It's so well done. It's not even a bulge, it's flopping.

It's actually dancing to the music. You never saw them? This is all bullshit though, this is bullshit. She's a. Look at that. Yeah, there it is right there, boom. No, the one in the middle. The one in the middle where she's dancing.

That video right there, you can actually see something down there flipping back and forth. I actually wish I had that bulge. All right, so that's two so far out of this list. Well, they say that Obama, they say that Michelle is a dude, which I is bullshit, I think it's bullshit. Crazy. It's crazy that they say that.

To have nobody else going, oh, hey, man, we can't. If this comes out, you've just lost the election. Any day this comes out, so we can't push it forward. Yeah, but it's crazy that people say that there's no pictures of her pregnant. Is that true? They were all saying, where's your birth certificate? And then he was like, I posted it 10 times already.

We can't say, when someone says is that true, you can't ever answer that anymore. We're in the days where, I don't know. Yeah, there it 10 times already. We can't say, when someone says is that true, you can't ever answer that anymore. We're in the days where, I don't know. Yeah, there it is right there. It's, yeah, they say that, pitches of Michelle Obama pregnant don't exist. That's fake. That's AI.

E-Yikes. E-Yikes. I don't know, dude. I don't know. So when other presidents, I mean, JFK's, I can't imagine. Why can't you imagine So what other presidents, I mean, JFK's, I can't imagine. Why can't you imagine? JFK.

Lyndon Johnson, they say he's bisexual. Trump is gay, but he calls it dominating. He gets Greek, where it's like, it's not gay. I'm only giving it. Yeah, he's alpha. That's like alpha. Trump fucks his opponents. Maybe I get it.

Yeah, he's like, that's part of it. You wanna be my cabinet? I can't believe that you can't accept this. I accept, I accept, James Buchanan I gave you, I thought JFK is nonsense to me. James Buchanan you gave only because you just found out he was a president, like me. Well.

Until ICE showed me that list. I just have no information on the guy. He sounds like somebody who owned an insurance company. James Buchanan. I don't know, can you name any of the presidents? I can name Washington. lights show me that list. You just have no information on the guy. He sounds like somebody who owned an insurance company. Jesus, Hannah. I know that, can you name any of the presidents? I can name Washington. A bunch. Okay, go ahead and name them.

Frederick Douglass. One. All right. Washington, Joe. It's not one though. It's not one. I don't find that. I was waiting for that, you were still like, okay fine.

Michael B. Jordan. Michael B. Jordan, yeah. Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson. Three. James Monroe. Jordan. Michael B. Jordan, yeah. Yeah. Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson. Two, three. James Monroe. Same Adams. Four. John, what's John Adams' son's name?

Jason Adams. No, he was a- Steve Adams. Steve Adams. Quincy. John Quincy Adams. John Quincy Adams, four. Father's son did it.

Five, that's five. Well, how many you want me to name? 10. As much as you can. Do 10, and I'm gonna send you to Brazil. Okay, Andrew Jackson. And it's all on me. Five, six. Lincoln.

Seven. You can't. Grant. Eight. Same. Teddy Roosevelt. Two. FDR. One more. Dagon. Truman. I mean, you did all before TV.

You went all old ones. You could've gone Bush Bush, Reagan, Clinton, Obama. You could've had a bunch right there. I'm reading all of it. Prostitution in Brazil too. You really sped it up, didn't you, you piece of shit. Why is the first lady dancing on Ellen? That's the bigger question.

What the fuck is this? Everybody dances on Ellen. That was her thing. You had to dance. You had to. You had to come dances on Ellen. That was her thing. You had to dance. You had to. You had to come out and dance. That was the thing. She would come out at the beginning of the show.

I think she did it once. Conan did it too. Yeah, Patrice didn't. He refused to. He was on Ellen or Conan? He was on Ellen and they were like, you have to dance. He was like, nah. And they were like, no, everybody does it.

He's like, yeah, I'm not dancing. But I think he might've did a little arm thing. Do they have Patrice on Ellen? I think he might've did a little thing thing. Do they have Patrice on Ellen? I think he might have did a little thing to appease them or some shit. Yeah, I don't have that in me to say no. I know, I do feel terrible. Patrice was like, no, I know what you're saying.

I don't wanna do that. No, I would just do it and do it. I would do it overboard where they're like, all right, settle down. Too much, too much. I have no, I don't have that ability to feel like shit and know something's wrong instinctually. And then go and fight the system.

Patrice had that story of him, he was doing the roast and they were like giving him corny jokes, like do these, use a, you know, whatever they're called. Cue cards. Teleprompter, yeah. And he goes, no, I'm not using teleprompter, I don't do it that way, I'll do it like, just me talking. So I don't wanna like read anything off. Like, well, everybody does, I go, no. And then goes, no, I'm not using sound. I don't do it that way. I'll do it like, just me talking. So I don't wanna read anything off. Like, well, everybody does, I go, no.

And then he's talking to the head writer. He's like, let me talk to him. And he goes, calls him on the phone. He was like, hi, Patrice, it's John Hollywood. Listen, we heard some pushback in the jokes. These are all gonna be great. These are high-level, right? What?

No, it's not that, okay. No, I didn't say that. Okay, no I didn't. Yeah, he's here. Okay, okay, hold on. Matt's currently wants to talk to you, he said he's only gonna talk to you. Yeah.

First of all, greatest story, I mean that was great storytelling. Thanks. I mean, wow. Did you see it back there at home? Dude, you did just the guy and I heard Patrice. I mean, that was fucking wild. Thank you.

I mean, that's very rare. Thank you. Do you see a guy switch it up and only do one side of the story, but tell the whole story. The phone was the McGuffin. That's a good word. Right. I doubt I use that right. McGuffin. Doubt very much word. I doubt I used that right. McGuffin.

I doubt very much I used that. First time I've ever used that word, doubtful I used that right. That sounds like something you get in a gay bakery. Can I get six McGuffins? I don't have that ability. You have that ability. To do what?

I did that with your show when they. You said I'm not doing it. That was hard to do, bro. And you're like, no, we still want you to do it. And you're like, no, you fired Ari. Well, I wanted to do your show big time. I love that show. And when you asked me to finally do it,

I was like, this is great. Because I'm usually the guy that gets asked to do something right before it gets canceled. Oh, nice and point. Yeah, and I was all set to do it. I remember telling Don, I was like, I'm doing an hour show and I started thinking of stories. I think I called you about stories and I had this,

I was like, this is great, I love the show, I'm on it. And then they, you called me with that, hey man, they're still doing the show. Oh, they made, that's how much they got me, Petrification, calling everybody like, hey, you should still do the show. They made, that's how much they got me. Petrification, calling everybody, like hey, you should still do the show. I wasn't even being financially motivated. I was like, they cut me out of everything, even the money.

And I'm still calling people trying to save the show. It was so dumb. Brewer was like, no. Ralphie was like, uh-uh. I'm like, no, it's good to be back on TV. He goes, bro, I've done 37 specials. I'm not doing it, but I'm out. Yeah, I said no too. Yeah, you were it, but I'm out. Yeah, I said no too.

Yeah, you were out, Ralphie was out. Who said yes? A lot of people. Really, did that hurt? Somebody in your chair, somebody in my chair. I think, Dan and Jay, they both said fuck you. But they were also going through contract negotiations with Comedy Central Radio.

So they had you. And they were like, this is gonna be a fucking mess. They were putting pressure on them. Dan Warren already shipped their shirt on it. Oh, that's good. As protest, yeah. Yeah, I said no, and then What's His Name called me up, and we're like, dude, we really need you to do this, dude.

You'll help me out if you do this. And I was like, I can't. I can't, I can't. You were also taking time out of your busy schedule to do it. Yeah. And so then it was like, I was already like, fuck, this is gonna be hard.

Yeah. That was a hard thing to do, not to do TV. Sean Patton had a great story. He goes, I'll just do a different one. I never did. I'm not gonna waste that one on there. And the show never came back. Show never came back.

Who filled in for you? Roy Jones Jr., right? Roy Jones Jr. I mean, Roy Jones Jr. Roy Wood, Roy Wood. What's his name? Roy Wood. Same dude, right?

Yeah. That would've been a great host. I don't know if that's more racist or's his name? Roy Wood. Roy Wood. Same kid, right? Yeah. That would've been a great host. I don't know if that's more racist or nameless. Hey, you got a story, what's yours, boy? Just punchy, like, there's one time I was hosting a show. Oh wait, that's now. Where'd you all come from?

Ah, shit. I, we were talking about Brewer before the show. I remember when I first met Lou was when he used to do what you're doing now for Brewer. Right. And he had his own show on Sirius XM with Corey Ellie. Pete Corey Ellie. Yeah.

Jim Brewer Unleashed. Jim Brewer Unleashed. And I remember I did it, but the reason why I had a problem, I had a problem with a lot of guys. Oh yeah, you did. No I didn't. Yeah. Not like that, go fuck yourself.

But you had a problem with a lot of guys. You had a problem with a, do that. Oh yeah, you did. No I didn't. Not like that, go fuck yourself. But you had a problem with a lot of guys. You had a problem with a, dude I. No, they had problems with me. You, of all the people, you're up there. You're like the Mount Rushmore of having a problem with different people. Now you're just doing why people had problems with you. This is why people had problems with you,

because you just get something and run with it. You had a problem with me? No, I did not have a problem with you. Yes you did. I had people actually tell me not to be around you. When I first met you and you were with Rogan, I fell in love with it. You had a problem with me? No, I did not have a problem with you. Yes, you did? I had people actually tell me not to be around you. When I first met you and you were with Rogan, I fell in love with you. I thought you were just a weird, skinny,

fucking Afro idiot, and people were like, dude, you don't wanna hang out with that guy. He's a troublemaker. And I was like, he seems like a sweet dude. I do make trouble. You did make trouble. I like making trouble. And we became friends in LA, when you were in LA.

But I went on and did his show, but he was mad at me. A lot of people hated me, not hated me, but had problems, because I was with Dane at the time. Oh, you're a Dane boy. Yeah, I was a Dane boy, right? And he thought that Dane was stealing a lot of, Brewer thought that Dane was stealing a lot from him. Like what?

Material, I think. The whole concept of a heavy metal, or doing singing and doing heavy metal with your comedy. Did Dane do that? I don't know, I don't remember that. But probably if Jim was upset about it. And also they had the same manager. You can't steal a manager.

No. That's like, I had that idea to do that as my manager. But no, I- That was the- I had the manager who steals money from me. That's why he was mad, that's why he was, he felt that he was getting, the manager was giving Dane a lot of things

that should have went to him. I understand that. I know a guy who was doing, the pandemic came up with an idea to do outdoor movie theater shows. Like, let's do these outdoor drive-ins. I'll do that. And then his manager just gave it

to every one of the clients. Like, you should do drive-in shows. And he was like, that's my idea. He goes, well, now it's their idea. Everybody does that. My own manager stole my idea. Colin Quinn? What?

Was he Colin Quinn? He was not Colin Quinn. Yeah, because he did one. Yeah, well, I understand that because when I had a manager and then you're the kid, you're the motherfucker, you're the one that's putting everything behind, and then whatever doesn't go,

like if one of the things doesn't go, and then the new guy comes in, hot, and all of a sudden they're calling him, they're doing stuff, all the energy's going to that guy, and Barry Katz at the time had everybody. I mean, his little, Chappelle, Jay Moore, Dane Cook, Jim Gaffigan, Wanda Sykes, Patrice, Billy, me. I mean, every single, Wanda Sykes Hall.

That was his client list. Wanda Sykes Hall? Wanda Sykes, that was her name back in the day. Wanda Sykes Hall, she was married to a guy. Wanda Sykes Hall. Rich Hall? No, not Rich Hall. Damn.

It was Darryl Hall. Oh! Yeah, people don't know that. That's why they broke up. Oh, I bet. And then she dumped him. Because Oates was a super racist. Super racist.

So he goes like, I have it. Way racist. And then he was like, I can't take this anymore. And then she left and she sounded like a woman. Yeah. Isn't that great, where you can just like and just go with chicks? She's into chicks now?

She's lesbian. What? What are you talking about? What? I've never seen her with anybody. I've never seen her as a sexual being in any way. She talks about it on stage, and she dresses like a paper boy.

That is fair. Then when she came out on, it was like the new Leno set was like this massive set, and it was so funny. He had just taken back over from Conan, and she comes out with a shopping cart, and then like wheels it over, and then Leno's so positive, he's like,

what, I don't get it, what is that? She was like, no, it's like a big set. And he's like, what's with the shopping cart? She's like, ah, it's like a shopping area. He goes, shopping areas aren't big. What do you mean, doesn't even, what? We should get that even. On live TV?

Yeah. Was it bombing, like you're bombing with this now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. It made no sense. Maybe they scrubbed it. Have you ever done panel on Tonight Show? No.

You've never done panel on a late night show? I was, stand up one time on Conan, late, late, late. I've never done panel either. No, I know. I have stories. I actually prepared stories thinking it was- Just in case they call you over. There was a time in my career I was like,

it's gonna happen. Yeah. So I would like write down, I'm gonna tell this one, that's a good one, I would prepared stories thinking it was... Just in case they call you over? There was a time in my career where I was like, it's gonna happen. Yeah. So I would like write down stories, I'm gonna tell this one, that's a good one. I would save stories and just be like, this is gonna be good on a Tonight Show. Oh, Letterman will love this. And it never happened.

We got it? Let me see it. Oh no, I don't have it. No, it's just the music. Oh damn. That was my biggest thing. When I did the Tonight Show, I thought I was gonna do so well

that he was gonna call me over to the couch. And when he said, all right, take it easy, and I had to walk back from the star to the curtain. To the curtain and be like, take a look back. I'm just waiting for it. No, no, no, come back out here and sit down. I'm just joking, get over here. Get over here.

Come sit down. It's so weird too, cause like, come sit down for the final commercial. I did do it once. I'm sorry, I did do it. I was on Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel Live. Jimmy Kimmel Live, I did a panel.

He did invite me over and I did sit down. I forgot all about that. I did stand up, mediocre set, not that good. And then. He bite you over, you didn't earn it. And then he sat me down and then I plugged a date in Atlanta which they're not on it. Nobody told me that.

I'm gonna be at the Atlanta punchline this weekend. He goes, that's great, we don't have an affiliate out there but hey man, if anybody knows somebody from Atlanta, tell them some shit like that. Tell them Athens, Georgia, let them know. I just remember my neck went red. I was like. I'm failing.

Yeah. Tonight show. I still find to like, come them know. I just remember my neck went red. I was like, ehh. I'm failing. Yeah. Tonight show, I. Still funny too, like, come on over. You go over to the couch, and then they go to commercial, and then that's for four minutes, and they come back. We're like, well that was a show everybody. One more time for all these guys. And you're like, what was I doing here?

Yeah, but dude. I could have been drinking. Sitting down on the couch has always been my, just to sit down, not to stand up. Facts. And just shoot the shit, make people laugh, make the audience uncomfortable to where they laugh, tell a crazy story.

So not do stand-up, just go right to panel. Well, Bill started doing it, doing like working out material for the couch. Yeah, well he, yeah. He would get stand-up stuff, ready conversational style, and then he would just do that on the couch, and that was like, just kinda changed everything, and then everybody, Bert, Tom, everybody did it.

Yeah. But he was like the first to that. Yeah, you gotta have story. I mean, Dane did it a couple times, but he would just go crazy and do crazy shit. I think one time he wore a Marines, Army, Navy, and Air Force. The most stolen valor.

But he had every corner of his body was a different. I'm the only man to serve in all four branches of the military. Yeah, the stealing joke's a deflection for the stolen valor that he really was in trouble for. It's so weird too, like those shows don't even do anything for you anymore.

Nothing, Tucker Carlson asked me, he goes to late night shows, are they like, do you worry about it? I was like, it wasn't even like, yeah they're done now. I was like, I haven't heard of that in so long. Yeah, it was the pinnacle of a comedian's career. Being asked to be on The Tonight Show or Let them In was the goal.

It was it. I haven't watched, I can't tell you the last late time I watched Late Night, it was years. There it is right there. No that's a, yeah. Oh God. Wow. That's a Tonight Show. Yeah and if you go to the beginning of my set,

I fuck up the first joke. No. Yep. I fucked up, I got nervous. Let's hear it. Ready? Yeah, this can't be zipped. So, FYI, I don't care if you offer me $5 million. Oh right there, hear it? I don't care if you offer me $5 million. Oh, right there. Hear it?

I don't care if you have it. I'll check. Check, check, check, check, check. News is crazy. Go back a little bit. What kind of segue was that? That was a, I just fucked up my first joke. Wow.

News is crazy. I'm so fucking fat, I can't zip up this thing. Guys, it's a literal cry for help on national television. I can't zip my jacket. All right, I don't know if it thing guys. It's a literal cry for help on national television. I can't zip my jacket News is crazy. I mean you can read into it. Maybe see that News is crazy. Hang on one second now. Wow unless the news is about zipping shit up That's crazy. That's a crazy thing to bring up Here's the thing with this is that when you rehearse this over and over and over, and they're cutting it

and cutting it and cutting it, and you finally get it, and you go out there and you, I've done it 30 times. I could do it front and back, and then you go out there and I'm such a tub of shit, I still got nervous. The first line, listen to this shit, listen to this. Yeah, this can't be zipped. So, FYI, I don't care if you're having me, offer me $5 million.

Back that up, two seconds, let me hear it again. I don't care if you're having me, offer me $5 million. I don't care if you're having me. I'd have to, but listen to the crowd. Listen to the crowd. News is crazy. Listen to the crowd when I. Listen to the crowd. News is crazy. Listen to the crowd when I.

Contest every week. News is crazy. I'm saying that tonight. Every 30 years, not even riots every week. I'm gonna do a segue tonight out of nothing. Everybody in a riot. You should do it between every joke. News is crazy.

News is crazy. News is crazy. Anyway, I was on a date. I think I had to change up a joke. I had to take Decapitated out. I had to take a bunch of shit out of it. I'm not, I can't, I'm not supposed to do it. But right after, listen to right after I fuck up the thing,

there's nothing. Ready? So, FYI, I don't care if you offer me $5 million, I'd have to politely decline. My, right there, right there, right there. Right there, right there right there right there right there right there right there you can hear The in my chest I'm fucking gonna bomb on TV right now. I was told to hold for applause there No applause tell us come uncomfortable laughs like maybe I'm just a tourist. I didn't get it

So let me play back it all the way up I didn't get it. So let me play it. Back it all the way up. Come on. Back it all the way up please. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You wanna start it up? No, no, no.

I wanna hear his intro too, cause I wanna hear. Yeah. Hey man, I'm part of the show. He's leaving, he's not gonna be here. Let me hear that. What's happening everybody, how you doing? Woo!

Yeah, this can't be zipped. So, FYI, I don't care if you have me offer me $5 million. I'd have to politely decline. You already took sevens of feet. You're like, I have to politely decline. You can hear it. Cause I'm supposed to go, I'd have to pull it. I don't care if you offer me $5 million. I'd have to politely decline. That's the, I went, I don't care. I don't have to offer me $5 million.

Politely. I had to take a breath, politely decline. I'm fucked. I hate it. I hate it. What did I say after news? I don't care if you offer me $5 million, I'd have to politely decline. News is crazy.

Protests every week. That's true. Riots, they used to have riots every 30 years. Now they have riots every week. I feel bad for everybody in a riot, but I really feel bad for the fact that I'm in a riot. Just go right into riots. They have all these riots now.

You're talking about the reporting on the riots, but reality is you're just talking about the riots. Well, there was a lot of riots in the news. It's like if you were just talking somewhat about the news, then the news would be a segue. It's an out of the blue, may as well just go, oh, write something. How about there'd be a riot before I get this, something.

Ari, I don't know if you know this, I'm not a good stand-up. I am pretty much all ego and willpower when I'm up on stage. Microphones are crazy. You see Kanye on stage singing this. He has a song about, he was technically singing to a microphone when he said,

and he had a song about Jesus walking. Man, Jesus is crazy. Thank you. All right, let's punch up this joke right now. Okay. Okay, ready? All right, let's play it again. News is crazy.

Instead of news is crazy. You gotta go straight into the riots. Right into the riots. What year was this that you're talking about? This was three weeks ago. I did this three weeks ago. No, this was three, two years ago, three years ago, two years ago.

No, this was three years ago. This is- Pre-scoop out. No, this, no, this is pre-scoop out, but one of my mid-skinnies. So I was fat and then got mid-skinny for this. And then when this happened, then I ballooned up again. Can I ask you a question then?

Mid-skinny, did you buy that jacket that you couldn't zip up, thinking this loss would continue? I thought the loss was continued. And you'll fit into it. Yes, you never buy a leather jacket thinking that you're gonna get fatter. That is tough to go, no, no, I believe in myself and I don't wanna have a baggy jacket.

Yeah, when you buy, that jacket was like 900 bucks. When you're fat, there's always that thing you buy to wear where you're like, this is a lot of money, but if I spend this money, this will help me lose it. I will lose the weight into it. That jacket went in the trash. Wow. I actually had, I tried to wear that on Killbox. I had to buy a new fat leather jacket that I actually wound up giving to Tops

for my baseball card that I just did. That's nice. And they made 70 million baseball cards with that jacket. I know, I can see it in mine too. It's like, oh, it's so big. Oh. So we just go right into the thing. Let's edit it right now.

By the way, when's Killbox coming out on YouTube? It's, I didn't make a video about it. I made a video about it. Oh, it's so big. So we just go right into the thing. Let's edit it right now. By the way, when's Kill Boss coming out on YouTube? It's, I didn't put it on YouTube. It's on PunchUp.live. You never put it on YouTube? Never put it on YouTube.

Never going to? I'm gonna now, I'm actually gonna take live from the Village Underground, which is my favorite special, which is on Amazon, that nobody, you're on Amazon, nobody's gonna see it. No. Nobody, you might as well just fucking throw it out. It's been on Amazon're on Amazon, nobody's gonna see it. No. Nobody, you might as well just fucking throw it out.

It's been on Amazon for three years, nobody's ever seen it. But I'm gonna take that and I'm gonna try to put that on Punch-Up and then put Killbox on YouTube. Swap it out. Swap it out. Comedy Central release. No, no, nobody wanted Live from the Village Underground.

We tried to get a special, everybody said no. So me and Jim Serpico were like, fuck it, let's do it ourselves. No, no, Brian Volkweiss, that company, whatever that company was, was supposed to do my special. Comedy Dynamics? Comedy Dynamics was supposed to do my special. God, if you see just a scene that looks like a DVD,

that Comedy Dynamics stamp is coming soon. They were big, and then two weeks before we were gonna shoot it, they were like, you have to do it at John Jay Theater. I'm like, I wanna do a small venue, I wanna do a club. They're like were like, you have to do it at John Jay Theater. I'm like, I'm gonna do a small venue, I wanna do a club. They're like, no, you have to do it at John Jay. I'm like, that's like 22,000 seats. And I was like, who's playing there too?

Steve Burns is filming his special. I go, so you got a deal. You got a tack on deal. You got a tack on deal. You already set the cameras up. I just said, I'll call you right back. I never called them back. Sherpa Co and me were like, fuck it, Village Underground. I was the first comic to film a special

at the Comedy Cellar at the Village Underground, and we filmed it there. Then Comedy Central bought it after. Oh, they licensed it. They bought it. Yeah, they licensed it for a year, and then Netflix bought it. They did it with mine.

So we made, what? They did it with mine, and they bought the one I did just for the internet. Said, we'll keep it for three years. They're literally still selling it on YouTube. No internet, said we'll keep it for three years. They're literally still selling it on YouTube. Yeah, you can buy it for five dollars. I will get none of that and they don't have the rights to it.

Buddy. But. Dude, I made just a tip with that, my first comedy CD. No payment. I think I got 500 bucks. I went to. Lifetime. Trinidad.

This is not happening, it's playing on three hour blocks every day. In Trinidad. I was like legitimately got recognized a bunch. I'm like, this is weird. I'm like, carnival? How was I ever getting recognized? And it was literally on TV just blocks of this not happening. Still haven't seen a penny.

Nothing. Yeah. How do they get the fuck away with that? I don't know. I don't understand the. Like what. And they wonder why. They should have made it pay scale. Yeah, don't understand the, Like what, they should make a pay scale. Yeah, but they're panicking now

because we're all doing it by ourselves. No, it doesn't mean you shouldn't pay. The contract's set up. I get some percentage of whatever. You have to audit them. How do you do that? You get one of you and then they audit it. Yeah, I don't know.

You get a guy that you're related to and then they go in and they go through it and they find the money that you're owed. Dude, you might be owed thousands of dollars. Yeah. Yeah, you should do that. How much do you have to pay an audit guy? You gotta pay him thousands.

I'll do it, you want me to do it? Yeah, audit. I'll fucking do it. Audit. How much percent is it I get? 5%. What? 2%.

No, other way. 130. 130%. Yeah. Great, I'm in, I'll audit it. Great. I'll audit it. Great. I'll audit it. Now I'm just gonna hire a Jewish lawyer for 5%

and I'm gonna take a rest. Yeah. Motherfucker. All right, let's punch every dumb joke. Let's go. It's not a dumb joke. This is one of my, I love this joke. No, the riot students every week in the news. First of all, as a comic, this is the worst thing

you could ever do as a comic is watch your set on front of other comics, especially you. Yeah, I gotta play. This is crazy. Protests every week. Riots. They used to have riots every 30 years. Now they have riots every week.

I feel bad for everybody in a riot. It's a lot of time without a laugh. It's a lot. I mean a laugh. It's a lot. I mean, it's a lot of time without a joke in there. You got to cut me some slack though. That's a bunch of setups. All right, so here we go. Ready?

A lot of riots. Oh, it goes right in a great segue. Go ahead. Go ahead. Play this. But I really feel bad for the fat riot cop. Great. Pause. Pause. Pause.

Why did that not come out of I Can't Zip This Up? I look like a fat riot cop. Hey, you know, I feel bad for those guys. Yeah, that's a better joke. You saved yourself 20 seconds. Let me try it right now. Ready? Okay.

Yeah, dude, I can't zip this up if you paid me $5 million. Yeah. I look like a fat riot cop that's why I feel bad for those guys I feel bad for those guys that's obviously the right move yeah it's fucking great let's play a little more the fat riot cop you know he was just home, chilling, the phone rang. There's a riot, get your riot gear on, be downtown in 20 minutes.

And he's like, I haven't worn that stuff in nine years. Honey, I'm getting fired. I wore it for Halloween three years. Do we still have it? It's not gonna fit. And she's like, you you never know just try it on wife, I mean classic wife voice Classic I mean actually if there's an award in comedy in the Comedy Hall of Fame

You had a very specific chick voice. There was a few Tripoli had a good one. You had a good one dice Dices was just retard retard. Retard. Ha ha. But Andrew, what happened to the characters after the movie? It's one of my favorites. I didn't want a sucky dick. Yeah, because it really is how that character of the Dice Man felt about women. Yeah. It's like they're all such dumb dummies.

Ha ha ha. Yeah. But you never know. Just try it on. The mash videos. The mash videos. I can see it right here. marshmallows. The marshmallows. I can see it right here.

She's from Boston. Yeah. Are you looking at me? Look at me from the side. We know it's not going to fit. Be positive! Honey, I just ate a whole pizza. Hot dogs were in the crust.

I dropped a line there too, because I was panicking still from the first one. Look at me from the side, I look like an upper case B. Oh, you forgot it. Great line, I forgot it. That one set taping. That one thing, look at me from the side, I look like an upper case B.

They're gonna know. Thank you, Christine. Thanks, Christine. God damn, that's a gross laugh. Just get out, Christine. Why'd you have to come late if you're gonna come late? Beat it. Scram. I mean, I'm gonna see if I can get back on The Tonight Show and redo this.

Yeah, you should redo this exact set. But better. Be like, actually, I don't need 528 for this. I'll need about four minutes. It's about a minute 20 of segue in there I I can cut I would look so much better, too I actually want to delete kill box. I can't even watch it cuz so dude. I was a fat tub of shit, man Yeah, that's up a shit kill box of chicken kill what? That would be a great name. I kill a box of chicken

Yeah, well, I'm skinny now, kind of. Kind of. Can't they AI you slimmer in that special? Shake a few pounds off AI style? Ooh. You know what, I never thought of that. Like give it to some nerd who has an app or some program. That'd be wild.

And re-release it, none of the jokes make sense. Because it's just all fat jokes. Bobby looks healthier than Ari. Who made this list of things to talk about? I get Bobby and Ari's weekends. I get Bobby and Ari go to Cuba. Bobby looks healthier than Ari. I do look healthier than you.

Let me tell you something right now. If we were both naked, both naked, we walk out onto a platform, there's a bunch of people there. Please don't get naked in the studio. Ari, please. Buddy, I have poison ivy, I just want you to look at it. Please don't take it, no!

Ari! Put it away! It's poison ivy. No! Oh God, Ari, put it, no! This is like, I'm at the open. Ari is going to be, Ari has a new podcast. Don't film, get away from me.

Don't come to me. Don't come to me. Don't come to me. Don't get blocked off because of you. That's why. Oh my God. You look like two different gay guys. No, you're gay. Get away from me. You look like a guy from the 70s gay. Oh, I dropped my...

No! His ass has a different color. His butt's a different color. Why is it different colors? Why inside is it different? That's the hemorrhoids. Oh! That thing got a hemi.

Oh, God. Oh, oh, Irish Shafiro's got a new travel podcast. You be trippin'. Your balls are so big. They are so big. It's disturbing You have the biggest balls I've ever seen in my life You have fat guy balls Recliner for his penis Resting in between them. She thought it were do their job. You really do have a lazy boy of balls.

New travel podcast, UB Trippin' available on YouTube right now. Check it out on UB, youtube.com slash UB Trippin'. He's at Skank Fest. He's got a bunch of, you got any other dates? We're going to Cuba. Didn't even talk about it. Well, we'll talk when we get back.

We're done. We're done. The show's over. Oh, really? Show's over. Is that a over shows. Oh really shows over that a showstopper Yeah Haven't gotten naked here so long. We got to talk to fucking Howard Stern about getting these windows back. That's good Big J's gonna be an old man was all blocked off and you got a drape Yeah, because you take your junk out. You're the reason. You ruined it all. You ruined it all.

You took it too far. But I'm just saying, you blocked it off, but then what's the drape? Is it just in case? That's just in case. You really are a gigantic reason. All the windows are covered. I'm one of the reasons. I do miss the days when Jacob would see me get the glimpsed in my eyes and he before I even reached my belt. Oh, no, no, no, no

We scramble put up banners and and and find cardboard out of thin air I had to move a banner one time to get my ass pressed up against that one. Yeah, take it all off Come on, do it take it all off. So yeah, let's see healthier body. Big J is gonna be the old my funny bone, the September 20th and 21st. Ari took his shirt off. After that, he's gonna be at Skank Fest, Spokane, Poughkeepsie St. Louis

for tickets and all the tour. BigJComedy.com. Say hi to him if you're at the Eagles game. He's taking his pants off now. Don't come over to me. Go to Jacob, go to Jacob. I'm gonna be Robert Kelly. I'm in Cleveland this weekend.

God, God, God, fuck me. I'm in Cleveland for Hilarities this weekend. Friday and Saturday night. I'm gonna't come over to me. Go to Jacob, go to Jacob. I'm gonna be Robert Kelly. I'm in Cleveland this weekend. No, no, don't fuck me. I'm in Cleveland for Hilarities this weekend. Friday and Saturday night. I'm gonna be all over the place. I'm gonna be at Skankfest. Fat Black Pussycat on Tuesday nights. Go to PunchUp.live. Oh God.

Oh no, no. He's walking around. What are you? No, no, no, no, go inside. No, Ari, no, Ari. Ari, no. Don't go inside. PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly.

Oh God, pull your pants up, dude. You look sicker than me. Don't go inside. Punch up.live slash Robin Kelly. Oh God, pull your pants up, dude. You look sicker than me. Don't put sunglasses. Now he's putting sunglasses on. Dude, that's the funniest thing ever. That looks like you walking through the park. He has sunglasses on his penis right now. You guys are the best.

We'll be back tomorrow. It's not bad. We'll be back tomorrow. Big Jay is going to be here. Christine is going to be here. Don't tell Big Jay I put my ass in there. Oh, God. Rub it in there. Oh, God.

It's so mushy. You guys are the best. We'll see you guys tomorrow. It's fun to be back. It's the bonfire.