The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Nice Sweet Boy (feat. Shane Gillis pt.2)

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

Shane talks about his experience hosting SNL for the first time. He is now friends with athletes because of his success. He learns what a Zion Party is. Jacob loves Dan's scent. Bobby's photo for Skankfest has him looking like a fat robot. Jay sings about it. *To hear the full show and subscribe to SXM go to www.siriusxm.com/bonfire FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly Shane you keep your finger on the pulse with these kids. All we know is red room That's gotta be Not to keep going back to but I said those moments too is like I thought about before I saw you do is like ladies and gentlemen 21's like the things and also the What's the line? It's always the same every time like anyways. We have a great show. Yes. Yeah Yeah, that thankfully I had cards for that so and so is here I couldn't do anything and what do you say will be right back? Yeah, there's something like that

But that's what we're is just like that they put you in cool outfits the whole time like I couldn't wear the same outfit twice They put on like a jacket yeah, yeah, they kept putting me in cool outfits And I was like I please stop you get to keep your outfits Yeah I'm like, what? What? That, that? That's my favorite one of your promos, that thumbs up.

Yeah, well that was another one. They kept it, the promo photos, they try to make you put, like do cool stuff. But your promo photo, like usually it's, yeah dude, I was like, what the fuck was that? The first photo? Oh, the first one was rough. The first one was a rough photo.

Dude, cause you have to answer to people if you have one like flipping a call. Oh, I can't do that. And looking sideways. Dude, there's some where they had me like, sitting in like a fancy chair, like. Yeah, there's some where they had me sitting in a fancy chair. Yeah, but usually the first. For real, like this.

I don't give a fuck. I was like, I can't do this. I'm not doing this. But the first photo, they had all these awesome videos of the cast, and they usually go to some amazing photo shot. And then it was just you on an iPhone. They took a picture of you. The one where I walked in?

No, the first photo when they say, and Shane, it was like you running for like a local seat on a board. Go birds. Just giving you a thumbs up. And what's funny is that was the one Lauren, I think he likes that he wants me to be like a nice boy. Right. That first picture they showed, he was like,

why can't you wear that for the monologue? You look nice. Ben Franklin was nice. Ben Franklin was actually fucking sick. That was great. That's the one. That's a nice sweet boy from Thanksgiving. What a sweet boy.

That was close. That was right during the fucking put your hand back. What was the first one when you came out, when they announced it? That, oh, no, no, no. Literally the announced one. The announced one. Oh, because you have to walk,

and it's like a slow-mo thing of you walking. I literally just walked in and went. Yeah. Yeah, it was. That's great. I love the book. It's kind of funny. They suck to do, but when you see them, you know.

It's so embarrassing to do. Do you get any of these? That one's actually sick. Did they give you anything, any gifts? Yeah, they give you a bunch of stuff. I didn't really look at it yet. You don't need to give a shit about it? I'll look at it, yeah.

But it's for famous people. It's like fucking face cream and shit. Is it Kenan's? Yeah, I'm not gonna, yeah. I don't know if you can tell by my skin. I don't use anything. Is it Kenan's homemade toothpaste? Does it go with weird things like that?

Kenan is, he gets, he at least got me. He got, he always gets whoever the host a gift. Oh really? Like on behalf of the cast. What'd he give you? He gave me a bunch of cheese steaks. It was nice. That's cool.

My green room was funny. It was like 15 cheese steaks and a case of Bud Light. I was like, they're trying to fucking kill me, dude. You're gonna burp in your monologue? Brrrt. Anyway, where are we at here? Yeah. Thought this would go better.

Brrrt. How long does it take in between? Because there's the tape ones. It's so fast. Like, as soon as you do a live sketch, you go and change and... Mm-hmm. The show must be like... There's a lady there that runs you around.

Literally holds your hand and you have to run around nice Did you feel very embarrassing? I felt very embarrassed. No. Yes. She was awesome. Yeah, she was really nice She almost go by fast. It goes real fast, but the wardrobe is the most uncomfortable thing. We talked about a little it's so uncomfortable They pull you under the bleachers there and there's like a tiny makeshift dressing room like closet it's like cloth and every there's three people there's one person doing your wig makeup they rip your fucking clothes off you everything like Madonna just to my underwear it's so bad I wouldn't do it it hurt were you trying was a party you trying to get a little hard?

No, I was. You could show a little bit. Pure adrenaline mode, the tiniest penis possible. That's all I would have thought about. That's the whole show. I would have thought about that. I would have knocked my thighs together, try to get something moving.

Yeah, during the sketch before. Just something. Yeah, just come on, guy. I feel like my character should jack off in this. Guys, I'd like to make a creative choice. I'm going to get a semi at the end of every sketch. It's gonna be hilarious. Acting is reacting, and I like to react

with a hard penis right now. Yeah, that was the most embarrassing part. Was getting naked? The wardrobe, yeah. Yeah, I bet. The wardrobe on anything you ever book sucks. Yeah. Because they try to put you on stuff that looks good,

but it doesn't feel good. Yeah, and they're used to people that wear clothes. Yeah, wear regular-sized clothes. Yeah, well, no, not just that, but just like, they're like, this jacket's awesome, you should wear it. It's like, no, I don't want to wear anything cool. Yeah. Do you feel bummed out that you weren't there so Pete Davis

can fall in love with you? Ah, that would have been nice. Just hit one of his next con. We were texting. One of his next con quests. Pete was being very supportive. It was been nice. Just hit one of his next... We were texting. One of his next con quests. Pete was being very supportive. It was really nice. Who helped you out the most on this?

Well, McKeever was with me the whole time. No, but like advice, like who helped you? Did anybody call you up? I talked to Nate. I talked to Louie. Sam Jay really helped. No shit. Sam Jay came in for one of the days to be,

because we were at the cellar together, and she was like, you gotta do this, you gotta do that, and I was like, I can't do any of that. I'm not telling them what I want. She was like, all right, I'm coming in tomorrow, I'll do it. Oh really? So Sam came in and helped a lot with the sketches.

Did she not work there anymore? No. Not at all? No, she just came in to be like, yo, he hates that sketch. No, I thought it was good. It was good. It's fine, I don't need anything quiet. No, Sam's awesome.

She helped me out a lot on that. We have to say everyone's awesome right now. Yeah, I say everyone's awesome. Everybody's awesome? You going to Chapelle's? You gonna do the farm? Yeah, I was supposed to this week actually. This week really?

I can't, yeah. Well you got the Radio City shows. Are you gonna go during the week? I was gonna go next week, but I'm doing Chicago. Is it functioning, the club? It's like a full functioning club now, right? Yeah. Adele from the stands out there I think.

They got them working on it. I wonder what it's like at all. Just Donnell Raw's just guarding the door To actually have you to ashy Larry statues outside guarding that'd be great actually be sick. Oh, yeah You watched a second if you're at chapelle's and he comes in Yeah, I'm gonna go on for a minute. Oh shit. Did you watch the Cory Holcomb? We watched that the, the Corey Holcomb and Dino Rawlings fighting? I watched it, it was pretty fucking. That sucked.

It was pretty wild. Yeah, that sucks. They were just yelling at each other. Well, the, Cat Williams has stoked up the black comedy community. He has. They're going at it hard. We need a honky, Cat Williams.

Well, they always do say, they go, you don't see the white dudes go at each other like this, but of course they do. It's just like, it's more podcast wars than like calling each other out on stage. Because Chappelle had the thing with a D-Ray Davis that really wasn't a thing either but like just debating. I forget what they were debating. Well, he was sticking up for Kat and and Chappelle was like, nah, you can't, we can't do that. That's bullshit.

You can't be fucking with each other like that. But sure you can. I think you can. I mean, he did it. He did it. Cat. Oh, for sure. He did it.

Oh, he went for it hard. I felt bad that Monique tried to do it, though, a couple of weeks later, and it didn't come off the same way. What was funny was Monique. I got like 300 views. You have to be Cat Williams to do that. No, but the thing was Monique. You have to be undeniably do that. No, but the thing was Monique, undeniably the best.

Yeah, but Monique did it. She came out and said a bunch of things and people have to learn how to treat people right because this person did bad to me and this person treated me wrong and Kevin Hart wouldn't return my calls. And then her son put out a video the next day, he goes, let me tell you about my mom.

She sucks, she's never been around. She says the terrible things. She's never been around. She says the terrible things. She's never been there for, right? Like, did you watch it? Yeah, I saw that, yeah. Yeah, he like went to work on her. And then she went on stage and she was like, fuck that motherfucker!

Fuck a son! It didn't pan out for her, man. Well, that's what's kind of unfolding is these weird, Corey Holcomb did one of his podcasts where he's talking about his daughter is mad at him about something. He was like, fuck you, bitch. I'll make another motherfucker look just like you.

I don't give a shit. No, it's hilarious. Cory Holcomb is so goddamn funny. But he just says, but that's the take. He's like, my daughter's mad at me. My daughter was mad at me when she was 17, like once for like two weeks. And I'd go, it was a broken,

like a girlfriend broke up with me. I'd go out to the house and be like, come on, you gotta talk to me, this is bullshit. You held a radio over your head? I mean, has Max ever been mad at you? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. What do you do, you hit him?

No, I don't hit, I don't, I don't. Scream right in his fucking face. I yell, I yelled a couple times, but he actually, he'll tell me to stop. He'll be like, Dad, it's not that big of a deal. That's not how parents and children work. He does. I tried that every time.

It never worked. He's straight away going, hey, Phil, this isn't how a father treats his son. Yeah, but he's absolutely right, because I'm yelling over something stupid. Yeah, if a kid did it, it is stupid. No, not him. I was yelling at his mom. Oh, Jesus. He got made for yelling at his mom.

She's a fucking ass. She deserved it. She deserves it. Bobby, you have such displaced energy. You're sitting with your arms folded. You're so zinned up right now. Because I'm hot and cold. I don't know what the fuck happened to me, dude. My arms are freezing, but my torso is on fire right now hot and cold

My arms are freezing but my torso is on fire right now Have you is anything happen with the did you hear about the seller stuff no that was going on It's uh, well Bobby, you know better than I do. Well, they had I'm not welcome there. You are welcome I know I'm just you're a hundred percent. I just like to get you worked up I know but I guess he said because I said a free Palestine set not welcome there. You are welcome there. No, I know. You're 100% welcome there. I just like to get you worked up. I know. But I... As he said, because I said free Palestine, set myself on fire, she's angry at me.

No, they had some other debate, you know, Noam does debates, and he had a, what was it? They're great. Coleman Hughes and a couple people, and they had some... On the podcast. On his, no, they had a show.

It was a show, kind of like a debate, and they had some soldiers from, Israeli soldiers on, and they were talking about it. Don't they need them right now? What are they doing here? They're making the rounds? I'm doing the late night rounds. They got a gig.

Only a Jewish army would be like, well, you gotta go to the gig. You gotta promote it. Yeah. Look, a gig's a gig. We gotta promote this genocide. I guess... There's agents, there's go to the gig. You gotta promote it. Look, a gig's a gig. We gotta promote this genocide. I guess.

There's agents, there's lawyers to pay. And they had them down there, and then somebody from the other side or whatever found out about it and made a video, you have to go down there, and you have to confront these people, and they did, and they had a big protest out front. Wow.

And then she went on and made another video that went viral, which was basically like, we need to attack them every day. So every day since that happened, they're in the comments. And they just posted a clip of me and it's in the comments. What did you say? You don't know shit about that conflict. No, they did a comedy clip for me at the cellar, but they go in the comments of all the clips and a like free Palestine, genocide, and they just take over the comments. On your comments?

On anybody. That's hilarious. That's good, that's good. I love that. That's actually a lovely company. Free Palestine, Bobby. I'm very excited that I'm opening out. Someone goes, ah, that reminds me so much of my wife

in the next comp, free Palestine, they're murdering everybody. So yeah, for every day, there's just hundreds and hundreds of emails. So they went on the- But no more people outside like that. She went on the website, found all the emails on the seller website and gave them out on the video.

But she gave out, there was one for comedy classes. Oh nice. And she gave that email out, but that's just little gay, ripped, chrome trying to help comics do comedy. Hi. So he's getting thousands of emails every day. You're a piece of shit. You're free Palestine.

He's like, I'm a piano comic. I'm just trying to help. I was in Urinetown. When did this happen? This happened last week. Oh, I didn't. Yeah, if you go to the sellers Instagram It was there all the people outside the cellar outside the cellar. Yeah gathered outside

Damn, I would have went out there and gave him a Joe Clark speech from lean on me. All right now settle down Is this Bobby's clip? Yeah Let's see He's trying to show us that you've got great It says the man fire oh my, never laughed so hard in my life. Why did I not hear about this guy before? No, release, right there, release the footage, because there's footage from the podcast that supposedly they didn't release or whatever, and they're like, it's all release the footage,

show the clip, all that shit, so they're all in there just fucking trash. You know which one. Yeah, what's that one say? Yeah, release the footage, show the clip, all that shit. So they're all in there just fucking trash. You know which one. Yeah, what's that one say? Yeah, release the footage, it's all that. What happened? What happened to the video of last Thursday's event with the Israeli soldiers? So they had the video of it

and they usually post it on YouTube, but they didn't post it on YouTube, so now they want it up there because they want to go and attack it and see what the Israeli soldiers said, but Noam didn't put it up. Well, I'll also tell you, Shane, I don't know if you caught this one also.

I read this on Skanks earlier, but it bears repeating Somebody message when the picture went out of me you Dave and Lewis. Yeah from skanks a day a guy Wrote and maybe you can answer this I talked to Dave and Lewis bad. We still don't seem to understand what this means he wrote I what this means. He wrote, I wish y'all would grow a set and condemn the Zionist infiltration of comedy. That's true. You guys are hardcore, but not hard enough, I guess. Yeah.

What is the Zionist? I asked on the streets. I thought it was the people who live in that place in The Matrix, where everyone's just dancing sweat. And that's what you call the people who live there. And I'm like, they're getting in the comedy now because they seem mostly like black dancers. I Have no idea

We're scientists Just say you that's what they're saying they're calling you Jew without saying Jew come on dude These people get in the comedy different why not? This is the only sign I subscribe to and I got the balls to handle these fucks That's pretty nice. Oh Yeah Jacob I had this you would love this conversation. I had all I had this conversation too that I think you would have enjoyed.

The best move in Matrix, don't take the pill. Now that you know you're in the Matrix and you can become like a flying ninja warrior, just live in the Matrix and be awesome. Yeah, that's like the major conflict of the movie. Yeah. I'd rather just go back and eat a steak. I don't want to be dirty on the Nebuchadnezzar,

have to get plugged in. But it's not the kind of shitty clothes. But it's not the thing for everybody, though, because some of them get to go back in. But to choose to be dancing in sheets in a hot cave versus now knowing that you can fly if you want to and what people think is the real world seems like it rules. Don't the agents come get you

if you come back in like that? Agents come and get you and kill you. Yeah. You're right, I don't wanna have to fucking deal with an agent. If you, yeah, if you fuck with the Matrix while you're in there, I think the agents come get you. But you don't have to fuck with it too much.

You do one speed of light bank robbery. And you sit on that the rest of your life. And you don't need to be a superhero anymore. You bring the Sixers 1 championship. Okay I dick around and I get the Sixers 1 championship. You average 487 points a game. Hey everybody if you're listening to the Bonfire as a podcast you gotta know there's a whole second half of the show that you're not getting to hear. Look if you love the Bonfire which you know you do, this is just half of the show. Go subscribe to SiriusXM at siriusxm.com slash bonfire. Subscribe right now. It's funny, was it a harder,

I think I know the answer to this, I think I'm just fishing for Eagles compliments here, harder to go- Football. The year we went to watch the- It is football. To watch the Eagles lose, or harder to watch the... It is football. To watch the Eagles lose or harder to watch now what you would consider like a buddy lose?

Yeah. I felt really, really bad for McCaffrey, yeah. That sucked. That really sucked. Was it worse walking away feeling than the Eagles won? No, the Eagles won. That sucked. That just fucking blew.

They were up by fucking ten. God, that fucking blew. They just ruined that game. It was hard to watch the Chiefs do the exact same thing, or the Niners do the same thing. I know. The whole time you knew it was coming. But I will say, I think both teams had this at one point.

If you're teams up, if you're up at halftime, you get to enjoy the halftime show. We enjoyed Rihanna. Rihanna was working it. Yeah, it was pretty impressive. If those songs were playing, and were down ten and he was like, get off the stage you fat bitch. She's pregnant. Good! Whatever it is. Yeah. Oh, you're dancing for two now you pig. Jay. Calm down. And that and the guy who gave me, the guy who knew Bert, it was Bert, Shane and Normand.

Yeah. And he knew them and we came down, he talked to him when we were in line at one point, he just didn't know who I was. And then he came back at one point, I've told you this, and he had three Bud Lights for Shane, Normand and Bert and he had a Michelob Ultra for himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely for himself and he goes, he goes, guys, had to hook you up man and he had a Michelob Ultra for himself. Definitely for himself. And he goes, guys, had to hook you up, man.

And he gives him, and they're like, oh, thank you. And he just looks at me and realizes that I'm with him, and he goes, oh, here, I guess. And I was like, I'll take it. I just took it, sure, I don't care. Oh. What, do you want a picture or something? Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, thanks for the beer, you piece of shit. Thanks for the beer, dickhead. off, dude. Fuck off, dude. Fuck off, dude. Fuck off, dude. Yeah, thanks for the beer, piece of shit. Thanks for the beer, dickhead. No, that Super Bowl hurt. That Eagles one really hurt. Yeah, when you go, all the fun leading up to it is immediately gone. A whole week of the most fun possible. I know, I was a Patriots fan for, you know,

we had a lot of wins. Yeah, you guys got to win. We got to win a lot. And Bobby, you have the fanship, and Bobby, you have the fanship of a lady, so what you choose to do is when the team's not good, you disconnect from sports altogether, and then when the team is like 15-0,

you jump on and start going, woo, you're a two-player. I understand being a casual fan like that. Do you understand a guy that can't name three self-takes right now, best team in basketball, and he can't name three Celtics right now best human basketball he doesn't know the name of three Patriots players I want to tell you something though he doesn't understand that I was a sports fan my whole life coming up in Boston Celtics Bruins Red Sox Patriots I have five big

I think you knew the team I have five I have five uncles. Big you knew the team. So that would have been tough. I have five uncles. And you became a city queer. I was, you know, all that shit. My whole life, and then when the Patriots lost to the Giants in that way, I remember I just was like, I'm out. I can't, it fucked me up so bad that I was so angry. And I was, I remember that we were in a room with my family, and one of my little brother's friends just punched my mom's wall. Yeah.

And then I looked around, we all had the same logo. I was like, am I in a cult? Yeah. And then I jumped in the car, and I was so mad, I left before the game was over, because I knew it was over, and I just drove by myself, and as I was driving, the road was empty. But then all of a sudden, you just heard cars turning turning on and I was like in a funeral procession with just a

bunch of sad guys driving home from some party in traffic just with that's sports that's the community I was like I hear you though I always think to myself I'm like I'm done I'm done at Notre Dame football I'm like I'm not I don't even care this year yeah and. And then I punch a wall. Yeah. I forget, in off seasons of Sixers and Eagles, that's the two that I give a shit about, in the post or the,

before the season of every year, like the off season, I'm just almost like, why do I give a shit so much? Yeah. Okay, and then I covet it so much when it's here. It's so fun though. Yeah, it's the best. Yeah, I just, I gave gave up that I was like I'm out. I can't do it Don't you want your son to have legacy?

Well, yeah, that's the best part sports You want your son to like what you want my sons so when you're dead like my dad would have loved this one My son's in jiu-jitsu. I love I love like UFC UFC. I'm into UFC. Why is that different? That's not team sport. That's camaraderie. But that's why I- Brothers, looking left and right, knowing that those guys are willing to die for you for that inch.

I like that you can kind of vote for both in the fight, in the UFC. If that guy wins, it's like, ah, that was a good fight. I love the UFC. I love it. I love the UFC. I love it. I love it. UFC, and I will say this from the rooftops, by far the only sport that has the value for the ticket of what you're paying because you don't have any heart attached to it really that much. It doesn't matter as long as it's a good event.

It's good. A good football game where your team loses sucks dick. I went to UFC 100, Mia Nortonorton and Frank Meir who was my favorite was fighting Brock for the second time and he beat him the first time. I loved it. Look, when I went I knew every fighter. I remember John Jones wasn't even the champ yet and Norton, who knows everything about UFC now, knew nothing. I was like, that's John Jones, he's going to be the champ someday. He's like, who? And he, you know, he would, but I knew it all, but I like that

because at the end of the thing, you're not fucking devastated and wanna kill somebody and sad. There are, I've become friends with a couple of the guys that are fighting now and that's like, that's worse than a team play. Oh, I know from Mickey Gall, just in the Mickey Gall,

I have the limited capacity that I got to watch him fight. Yeah, you're still like You know, he loses and you're like, ah, it sucks damn dude. That's yeah sucks But there's some type of fucking honor in it. Oh, that's a guy for three rounds, but that's also sure Oh without a doubt. I'm always like I used to texting Matt, which is the queefiest thing, but I don't expect dude still toughest motherfucker I ever met yeah, but like Yeah, there's something, no, there's something about the team sport. One, also playing it, and me and Lewis

have had this argument a lot. I go, I've only done one organized sports thing where we won anything. It was rec league when I was like 17 or something. But still, it's like, they have coaches, and it's like a real organized thing. We won that league. And then, whatever whenever the clock went zero

and we won the game, the clearing of like 25 people onto the thing, it was like still like, I remember that feeling, it was a good feeling, it was cool. Yeah, I mean Max was, we tried, I got him to football, he didn't really like it. You just don't want him to be a winner. I know, dude, I like, Jiu Jitsu, I'm like dude, go in there and fucking be aggressive.

I love that he goes in and chokes somebody out and it's great. He went into basketball, but he sucked. He would be on the side making sexy face, like trying to make me laugh. And I would be cracking up, and he would just be sitting on the sidelines. You can't laugh.

You gotta play. You can't laugh. In the school he's in though, it's mostly black kids, so these kids are just the shit. The kid's like two feet tall. It's good you're teaching jujitsu. Yeah, jujitsu. But that's the thing, you got so into crank and meth

and shit when you were younger, that you didn't play really any organized sports. I played baseball. I was a baseball guy. And then I got into drugs and alcohol. Yeah, yeah, so quick. Because I'm saying, so you don't really have a thing where it's like, oh, I'd love to go watch him play. I just sat down. So you don't really have a thing where it's like,

oh, I'd love to go watch him play this kind of game or something, you don't have that. No, I used to get in a lot of fights. I liked that. But you didn't know jujitsu. No, we used to just hit each other with shit. That's fair. Back in the day.

Isabella played soccer her entire life until she graduated high school and was never once on a good team. It was shelled from day one one and she was a goalie. She became, hilariously, a good goalie because if you look at the numbers, it was like, well, she blocked 57. She blocked like 57 and three got through. Even when there'd be sometimes it was like eight to one or something, I'm like, eight scores Isabella, Jesus.

And she was like, cause even I'd be like, are you sleeping in there? She goes, there was 60 shots on goal. And I'm like, oh, I guess you did pretty good then. It's a humongous goal. Yeah, she was like, no, I'm, she was like, looked at it for college and stuff. They didn't like not, they weren't not interested,

but she just never played on any kind of a good deal. Max is in lacrosse, he got in lacrosse like two years ago, which is a pretty fucking rough sport. It's a cool sport It's a great sport. He got into it, but he he doesn't I'm trying to teach he doesn't how to run Like he runs gonna hold him back get him into fucking golf. He's into golf. Yes bottom clubs Yeah, yeah loves golf bowling loves golf bowling golf darts Yeah, if you just make it just a little John Daly in your life, should I be smoking cigarettes? They put him in the goalie because he can't run. Like, he would get the ball in the crib,

but he runs like the girl from Taken. He just doesn't bring his knees up high enough. And I would take him home, but like, dude, we gotta run, we gotta run. And he just can't bring his big fucking weather bee feet up high enough. Yeah, I hear you. That was my thing, that they always,. Yeah, I hear that was my thing that they always I was

Baseball that was my I was cleanup hitter and right field. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's like just get him the fuck out of the way I'm fielding. Yeah, my last year baseball. I was out and right No balls are going out there. Don't worry about it. Yeah, I was a pitcher when I was a bit But they put terrified of pitching I was terrified that ball coming right back at me was at me dreaded it and thought about it every time. I liked baseball. I got to pitch one game. It was terrible. Terrifying.

Just being like three kids. That guy, get him the fuck out. That's the word that, ah! The back move, ta! They put me at catcher once. I was catcher for a little while and I remember we had this kid that was good at pitching. He was just zinging it in there, and I couldn't catch.

So me and the umpire, the entire game, are just getting pelted for every single pitch. The umpire's getting fucking nailed. He's like, get this kid outta here. I was catcher for one game, and I got up and went for the ball before the guy swung, and he swung and just hit my elbow in the left field and I just, I remember just being

in the ambulance, I got taken off. Yeah, I fucking sucked at catching. Yeah, I sucked at baseball. I did win a game though because they called in that shitty move they do when they call the outfield to come in like this guy ain't hitting hard. Not for me, I was in the outfield playing right field and they has come

in and the person I mean he hit it so hard it was humming at me and I did a completely defensive like and the ball like hit in my glove and and we won my grandfather uh god rest his soul my grandfather uh after that still bought me like whatever bought me like a soft pretzel and a soda and he was like, it doesn't matter how you catch it. Dude, I won my last game. We're still gonna hot dog you little fat shit. My last game of baseball, it was West Memphis against Hillside.

West Memphis lost 10 years in a row. They hit the ball, I was in left field. I ran in, slid on my knees, caught the ball, won the game, the championship for West Med for the first time in 10 years. I was so ecstatic, the whole team pig piled me, and I just started crying, because I thought I was suffocating.

And I remember them just peeling people off, and it was just me balling. I can't breathe, I can't breathe, that's all you heard, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. And I was just crying with a root beer. And I remember I had no family there. I had to walk home on the highway alone. Oh, then your stepfather saw you crying

and DDT'd you on concrete. Cack! He goes, are you crying? You crying when you won the game, you just got a pig pot? Look at where you go motherfucker, cack! You got pig pots on? Come on, you keep crying like that. Then you got a pig pot? You're a real motherfucker, cack! You got pig pots on? Come on, you keep crying like that. So you smoked a crack pipe.

I didn't smoke crack. Christine smoked crack. I did coke. I think I did smoke crack. I smoked coke in joint. How old were you? We used to put, 13. Were you still playing baseball doing coke?

No. Fucking Darrell Strawberry? The last thing they put me in before I just said fuck it all and became a delinquent, they put me in the Sea Cadets, which is... What the fuck's that? Well the word season is almost as if it was Bobby in a little neckerchief with a little silly boy outfit.

I have the Cracker Jack uniform. I had a Cracker Jack uniform and I would have to go three times a week. I'm a sailacker Jack uniform. I had a Cracker Jack uniform, and I would have to go three times a week. I'm a sailor boy, dude. It was the Boy Scouts for the Navy, and the Coast Guard, so I would have to go with a wooden gun and do the military marches and shit like that.

It was their last ditch effort to get me out of this fucking life of bullshit. And I remember I would just go to that place place and then I would go and drink and do drugs in my outfit. You were a sailor. You were really... I used to have my hat. My little hat.

It's always sweet week for Bobby. At the end of the day, you see someone... Bring me your fattest girls, dude. Did any of the... Because that feels like just... It was just you and other kids that were troubled without fathers. No, it was... I was the only troubled...

It was like chum in the water with some pedophiles. All nerds. I remember they brought me to my park, because in Boston we used to hang out at these parks. The kid who got me in it brought me to the park with a broom. It was the most embarrassing thing ever. In front of my juvenile delinquent friends who were drinking over on the swing sets. I was at the basketball court with a broom doing like a military march, like about face, left, right. And he was timing me and I had a stupid broom.

It was like, and they were just laughing at me, going, what the fuck are you doing, you fucking asshole? Sorry about my ADD, but shouldn't Fleet Week just be called Fat Girl Christmas? I mean, it really is. It's the time, if you wanna fuckin' in shape, if you're a morbidly obese woman and you wanna fuck a semi-handsome, in-shape guy,

fuckin' go down to the village on Fleet Week, dude. You're gonna get laid. If it's the Marines or the Army, if it's the Navy. It's the Navy. The Navy isn't like. They're looking for some guys. Yeah, they're not really. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the next closest thing, yeah, but then they also like to dress up a heavy set woman and try to give her confidence. Yeah, that's fun. That's fun, give her confidence. You just need a makeover, baby. Is that all I need? Damn, dude. A morbidly obese woman with all gay friends is a sad woman.

Gay dude friends are the new cats. Jacob, you hate cats, but would you rather have a bunch of gay guys crawling around your house on a scratch pad? You hate cats? He hates them. Hates cats. With a passion. What's wrong with you?

You hate farts and cats? Those are the two coolest things. It is farts. You hate farts and pussy? You don't like cats? I know how lovable, I see how lovable they are, but they're bad for the environment. What?

Because they kill all the birds? Yep. They kill everything, yeah. You know that. Yeah, they rule. And then they come back and you give them a reward. Yeah, you go nice, you killed something, that's awesome. Do you hate this?

If my cat with the bird out of the air, I'd respect it more. Yeah, it's awesome. Do you hate farts? Just the smell, I'd respect it more. Yeah, it's awesome. Would you hate farts? Just the smell. The sound is hilarious. No, I'll laugh my ass off, but we're in this room. I don't know why you want me to like your farts

in particular. Honestly, God, Dan's asshole. You just smelled bad, Bob. Good point. Dan's asshole touched your nipple when he farted on you yesterday. Caught me off guard. And you loved it so much.

You tried to zip your jacket up so you can catch it and take some home with you. Dan does have a dry asshole though. Oh yeah, that noise was crazy. It sounded like rickety wood. It sounded like cabin steps. It sounded like a ship at sea. Yeah, just treasure.

Do you have a rough weekend of people just showing you blatant disrespect? I have had a— Skankfest, first and foremost. I'm looking at you, Christine. Well, here's the thing with Skankfest is that every year they come up with a new theme, and I guess this year is a— Attack—what? Here's what it is.

Attacks? It's Mars Attacks is the theme. Right. But instead it's Vegas Attacks. But it doesn't really make sense because we're not We're in we're attacking Vegas if it's us right it's skanks attacks. It's skanks attacks is the idea Vegas attacks doesn't make sense doesn't make any sense at all so I didn't quite get that it was an alien theme Mm-hmm, and then I started seeing oh some of us are cosmonauts and some of us are aliens,

I guess, and Bobby is a fat robot. No, no, no, no, well, here's the thing. Here's the thing, is I never got my stuff. So I'm looking at a lot of the open micers are putting their stuff up on the internet to promote Skankfest and I'm like, well, I don't have anything. So I'm like, all right, maybe Christine's waiting.

So I had called your lovely companion. Sure. Is that what it is? That's fine, my partner. Your co-host of the house. My house co-host. Your house co-host. Your lady friend.

My lady friend. Your lady friend, Christine. And I was like, hey, what's up? I'd like to promote, but I have nothing to promote. She's like, oh, I was wondering why you weren't promoting. I was like, well, I have nothing to promote. She's like, oh, I was wondering why you weren't promoting. I was like, well, I didn't get it. She's like, well, I emailed it to you. So I'm like, maybe it went into my trash.

So I looked and it was in there. For some reason, the skank stuff must've went in there as garbage. And then I'm reading it and then I click it and I'm on the phone with your lovely lady friend. I'm getting pothead paranoia from that. Me and Christina are very much together. As I'm saying that, I'm like,

oh, I don't go on the Facebook thing anymore, but all I see is Facebook, I feel like maybe they're not together, and they're doing it like a thing we've already done. Tell them I'm the love of your life. What? No, my cans were off, what? I said, tell them I'm the love of your life.

Jay, put your headphones back on. Oh. Jay, you love, say it, you love Christine. Say it. Say it. She's, ugh, I hate it. Just say it. Why?

Just say, she's not good to me. She's great to you, say it. She's not good to me. She's not good to me. She was not good to you. She's not, she's actually very mean to me. To be fair, my amazing artist John is not good to me. She was not good to you. She's not, she's actually very mean to me. To be fair, my amazing artist John is not great to you. John fucking hates me.

John is not a fan of Bobby. Well here's the thing, last year they didn't put me in the fucking video. That was. That was not in the video, that's all it was. I wasn't in the video. You had a trans girl who blew Joe DeRosa more prominent in the video than.

Shout out to Nicky Fox. Huh video than... Shout out Nicky Fox. Huh? Yeah. I said shout out Nicky Fox. I prefer the penis with a trans woman. There you go. Of course you do. So I, which, it's just fucking nuts to me.

Nuts. Because if you look back without YKWD, is there a skanks? Also they did a nice thing and they made the trans, the trans girl got her own stuff too, and she's very sexy, a very sexy robot in her picture. I clicked on it and whoever is doing the artwork took a photo of me from three years ago, fat Bobby photo, and just made me a fat robot.

Yeah, they made a robot. Which doesn't even make sense. Robots don't need to be fat. Why would someone choose to make an unhealthy looking robot? What's the point? Yeah, what am I eating too much oil? Bobby A just constantly eating nuts and bolts. Yeah, I'm just, I have my batteries of fat.

Robots aren't born fat, Bob. I was so fucking offended and so mad. Yeah, it was real. That photo right there I would have taken. That, you could have just put a space suit on me around my head and that would have been fine. It's true. I'm in space.

That one would have been, it's not even, Google Robert Kelly comedian, it's the fourth one down. Bobby, I agree, I should have looked at them for a fat robot, Bob. That one would have been, it's not even Google Robert Kelly comedian, it's the fourth one down. Bobby, I agree. I should have looked at them before sending them to you. I put too much trust in the artist. I put too much trust in the artist.

Strap your metal tits on and pick your protein pills. The mac and cheese is almost you're a robot who weighs a ton in the ship and it can't take off right now to fat robot Bob good ground control to fat robot Bob good take your protein pills and screw your titties on good

ground control to fat robot Bob six six hundred this is a countdown to his next meal and make God's love be with you Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo And I think I'm about to start eating the ship