The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Old Man Problems

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

The entire crew is experiencing old man problems, especially Dan, who hasn't made a doodie in days!Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM @DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayOakerson.com

Hey, I'm Big J. Okreson. And I'm Dan Soder and welcome to the Bonfire Podcast. Yeah, it's a podcast and it's also a radio show. You can hear our full show every day on Series XM. Go to series6m.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now, the Bonfire with Big J. Okreson and Dan Soder. Most of the crew in studio got Christine Marie Evans, DJ Lewitsky, our black king, the black tiger, Lewis Jaws. We only have one holdout, Jacob a top down in Florida, dude.

Down in Florida. He's the fucking poop guru. He's my poop guru. He's eating greens right now. Jacob never has poop problems, but he is regular. I am. I am me and Jacob are opposite. I have, man, Lou hit me with the welcome to your 40s kind of thing and it really sunk in

where I'm like, dude, I am, um, constipated in a way that I haven't been since, I don't, I don't remember being like this. Yeah, it's pretty wild constipated. It sucks. Yeah. I would go as far as to say, I would, you feel it's at the door too, right? It's like behind the hole. Dude, it is the only way I can , the only way I can equivalent it's, it's dry heaving and you can't throw up. My butt's dry heaving. Have you, I mean, this is dumbass. Have you tried like the, kind of put your hands over something and bend forward?

Squatty potty, done everything dude. I've done everything. Damn. Ask, ask me all the questions and I've tell you, I've done it, I took a stool softener. You only think I have not done. You have to figure out your butt, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we just try to dig it out. No, I have. You have. It's morning. You went up there. Yeah. Over the bowl. Uh, like scooted forward, went back in.

Yeah. Dude, it's dreamy. What you put in your finger? What? What you put in your finger? I had my wipes right there, so then I fucking... Oh, you just went raw dog and wiped off here. Yeah, and I, I do it was I

was in so much pain that I was like come on something in my mind I was imagining that I would like and then I'd be like I'll be like oh Jeff Daniels and dumb and Dumber it's like when you whack that one spot on the catcher bottle yes starts coming there it is there it is there's the lever I was looking for my 57 inside my bottle I was looking to slap my 57 and dude let me try yeah itthole. I was looking to slap my 57. And dude, the thing is, I've been trying to hit the 57. Yeah, the only, is this one,

it's right above your hips. Take a look. So I was talking to Jacob before the show about laxatives because I think after my sets tonight, I'm just gonna fucking pop a laxie and just get after it. Just sit by my, what I have never thought of. Are you home tonight?

I'm at my place, because Katie's up in Connecticut. So what's funny is, I've never thought about this, but you know when you have painful poops or whatever, the noises you make, I've always been alone. I've always been alone. So now knowing someone's in the other room and you can hear me go like, come on! Like that. And my bathroom in my apartment is close to my hallway. So I have to shut the door

and like there's no fan so I have to like turn on water and like music because I'm like, just fucking push it. I've had before. I haven't been constipated a long time but I have had before I haven't been constipated in a long time, but I have had the shit like If there's anything that I can Correlated to what a woman must feel when the head of a child is behind their pussy hole Dude, and you're like the holes not gonna get big enough for this. I've had shits Behind where I'm like is this thing like I'm gonna get ripped open. It's not like in the tube like ready to come out like a like a missile Yeah, it's like laying sideways you almost, like ready to come out like a, like a missile. It's like laying sideways, you almost feel like.

I feel like that's exactly how I feel. I feel like it's trying to come in through sideways. Yeah. And every time I'm getting so close that I'm like, dude, I shot out a little piece of poop today and I was like, where's the rest? Where's the rest? What a tease.

So, but last night I got stool softener after your show at the seller. I went and talked to you and Josh. And I went and I I went a lot of people say that my show is stool softener Yeah, I thought it was to but it's still had that hard poop Went and got stool softer and took it and was like can't wait to wake up at four in the morning and try this got up at seven being like Something's going on and then again Come on To get up after that must be the most defeating thing every time every time it's like I can't believe that wasn't it

I'll stand up I am looking forward to whatever comes out of me in a way of like it is crazy I would say that diarrhea is easier than this. It feels so good. I don't, right now I feel, dude, last night after the show, I was like, oh, here it comes. It just took a nice, just took a nice hang at the bonfire and some laughs.

It was in that bathroom for 30 minutes. And here, up here it's areas. I had to wait till someone left to make my noises. Yeah. Yeah, because I've done that. I've grown back. I'm not constipated, to wait till someone left to make my noises. Yeah. Yeah, because I've done that. I did. I had a grumbot. I'm not constipated, but getting out those sideways pieces,

I have had like the where you're like, I had that. I had that recently where it was like a sideways one, and it really was like, I slept. I like immediately shit and then had to go sleep because I was like, dude, what was that? When it gets on the other side of the hole though. It's the best.

Even talk. That one where you're like, you're like, I'm gonna rip. The sphere're like, I'm gonna rip. The sphere is like, I'm gonna rip. Yeah. That's how I feel. My A's gonna bet the rip open and then it doesn't. It just, you feel like that it just gets,

boi. That's, so I felt like I'm gonna rip for the last two days. Yeah. That's why this morning I was like, dude, finger in the duke. Christine, how dare you laugh. Christine woke everyone up in the house today with three farts that were,

she should have been measured on some kind of a topographical scale. And I understand why you're disgusted, but can I just say right now, congratulations on passing. Not everyone can pass right now. No, I am pardoning. It woke me up.

It woke me up. The farts probably brewed it right now though. I don't even know what I'm asking around to do. I told Katie, I was like, when it started happening, I was though. I don't even know Well, the past and around dude. I told Katie. I was like when it started happening I was like I can't let one go because yeah that thing is going straight around ass. Yeah and poop. I mean Yeah, Christine, but it woke you up three bombers first one woke me up and then there was followed by two back to back She said and I went I guess like I was in the other room and I went damn And I said to the her and she was like no really really and then her guilt got to her and when we got out of the cab here

She goes you want to know something they woke me up to but when I heard you say damn I was like I'm just gonna actually have not awake. That's what It's really funny. You got woken up like a dog It's set it's set our sex life probably back four months I don't know what a dog far away. It's hard in my sufferings. It's set our sex life probably back four months. I was thinking I think it's sexy at all, you prayer. No, they were the last.

No, they weren't like that. I'm telling you, they were like, she remembers. No, it was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, three longies in a row, a total of 15 seconds. That's good. That's good farting. Yeah. We had left over Italian food last night. Oh, I don't even know. Make it. tuna casserole. Yeah. Yeah. To put it in there. I've been I made a late night gas station decision on food this weekend that I threw out before even truck. I took a bite and then I threw it out because it was a ridiculous thing. Free packaged. Okay. I'm dude I'm the

prepackaged king. I'll need a prepackaged anything. No. I don't agree. You shouldn't do that except sushi-packaged king. I'll need a pre-packaged anything. No, I don't agree. You shouldn't do that. Except sushi, that's weird. I've done that. That's crazy. It is weird. But this is a, no, I had a, it was a little tub,

like a side order of tuna and macaroni salad. And I opened it. I took a bite and I go, this tuna's just been like sitting in the, I don't know, man. It was a, and I go, this tune has just been like sitting in the, I don't know, man, it's weird. Was it tini? Was it like that, when you took a bite, have like that metal thing?

Almost acidity, right? Yeah, no, I threw it right away. I was like, there's no, I don't know. Is this such a gross thing to get from a gas station? It is. Tini and macaroni. Yeah, well, I had, I trust that in a barbecue.

Well, a Legionine brought me to Milwaukee and gave me the quick trip speech like, this is actually a good wall wall and what a crazy statement. I mean, it's what it was in. She said it's as good as wall wall. She said quick trip is a gas station. It's a gas, yeah, they make sandwiches and stuff,

but guess what? Not when we went, they weren't making a, they told me they would heat up one of the pre-packaged sandwiches for me of that word, just like, you know, it looks like they cut the, would heat up one of the pre-packaged sandwiches for me of that word. Just like, you know, it looks like they cut the, was they cut the turkey with a cleaver? What were the, what excuses was she giving you when that happened?

Because that's always funny when you're like, dude, I'm going to take this place. Nothing. She saw the fat in me that I'm just going to figure it out and get something. But she, she wasn't at all like, ah, shit, sorry, I hyped it up so much. Can't believe they're closed. Nope. Hmm, nope. Yeah, in fact, one of the lady outside said they did were making sandwiches still. And then I went inside and he goes, we could do like a ham and cheese or something.

A ham and Swiss and I go, well, you have this stuff, but I can't choose what I'd want on the sandwich. And he's like, no. I was like, okay. I was like, I could heat up one of these pre-packaged for you. I'm like, it's all right. I could tell you what I feel like making. and I feel like making a ham and cheese.

So that's what you're gonna get. Yeah, I mean, it's basically what he did. He goes, he goes, you know what I'll tell you what you'd like. He would like. I mean, look what I got here. Yeah, that goosefee was caught. It's an accent. And I'll tell you this also. I had the cheese curds from Culvers. Yeah. That's like the big thing. I think, listen, they were, you know, Lee and Gene brought them to the green room so they weren't like fresh, fresh hot, but even if they were, it's not the best thing I've ever had. If you ever had really good cheese curds, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When they're really, yeah, yeah.

In Madison, there's a bar right by the comedy club. It's got cheese curds that I go do every time because it's awesome. Great, awesome. Fried cheese curds. Oh, and they give you all these dipping sauces and you know, I'm a condiment boy. You know, these were fine. They just like, I don't know,

it's like they're McDonald's place. Yeah, it's there. Oh, I know, they released a cheese, they had a burger with a specific kind of cheese when I was working that weekend. And me and Jeffrey Asman, who was open for me, was like, we'll get up. There's a Culver's bias, we'll walk over.

That'll be crazy. We walked over and like, that line is insane. And they're like, sorry, we sold out of the curd burger at like 11 a.m. And then you're like, you cheese loving fucks. That's crazy. It was like a new iPhone. They put out a curd burger

and these motherfuckers lost their goddamn mind. Apparently the big thing though is milkshakes. They say most places, what they still be about Wisconsin in general, is milkshakes, because the dairy there. So the milkshakes are always like, but here's one thing I asked too, and I had a problem with this.

They were like, it's the best milkshake place. I go, yeah, we're like, they give you the milkshake and you get like the metal tin. It's kind of like a whole other milkshake in it. And they went, no, I go, don't ever tell me. So what are we doing? Don't ever tell me. Am I hearing phantom farts?

Was that you, Christine? No, you're hearing it in your head. You got PTSD. I know, I'm ready. You got PTSD from farts. I wish I would have recorded it and made it my new alarm. Because I'll tell you what, I've never woke up more alert. I wish I would have recorded it and made it my new alarm. Because I'd say what? I've never woke up more alert.

I was up before my alarm. I've never thought about how much people poop until now. I've just been like seeing people on the street and been like, I bet that guy doesn't have to poop. Took it for granted all these years. You took your shits for granted all these years. The craziest thing is this is what Katie said. I've taken general arm motion for granted it turns out.

That's exactly when your arm hurts, which is that's what's happening to you right now Your arm hurts. You're like man. I didn't really route. You know when like bone cancer though, so don't don't get upset yet Oh, I thought you were talking about me because you know me. I have bone cancer. No, you have asked cancer stupid That's exactly what I think you have poop cancer. I go man. I'm making all skinny and weird I have poop cancer, but I Lou got a tooth pulled today and I bet you've been thinking that all day of like God I didn't realize how great it wasn't my teeth didn't hurt. No, he's not he's thinking about they fucking game

Would it give you Norco? Oh just wait what happened? They gave me a shot Whatever they used to set an overcame now. Uh-huh didn't work full pain in my whole face So so to make up for that they gave you what? Nothing. Shut up. Kicking me ass out the door. No, but now you have a, you have a Norco or a viking then, right? Nothing. Dude, welcome to fucking New Jersey dentistry. They have to kick you out because they're like, we know you're going to sell these pain pills to your friends.

What are you saying? You don't have them to sell to your friends? Because me if they're seeing, we think we're seeing a light night tonight, because we punched you in that alley to loosen that tooth last week I got Advil. Yes. Come on, dude. I would love some. I want to eat a fucking steak. All right. Let's say let's organize We're back at your mouth Moa the wisdom top right do want to come over and do a dabs after work wisdom you got your wisdom tooth pulled Yeah, yeah, it's not crazy and they just gave you Nova cane and it didn't work right what did you tell them it didn't work? Are you fucking Rambo? It was too late it was too late for

It's not too late. I mean it's not a lot, but you they tell you was too late. No, we already had the pliers out So what pliers what kind of fucking third is Dennis? Are you going to so yoursliers. What kind of fucking thirdest dentist are you going to? So you're say you could kind of feel it. Dude, I get worked kind of, right? No, because usually I had a wisdom tooth pulled last summer and my whole face was numb. What do you do? It's one at a time. Yeah, you just feel like you're you just feel a pressure of getting knocked around, but you know, I actually feel anything happened. Right. Now I feel everything. You felt like going there. Stop. I'll stop him. Stop him. Stop him. It was so nonchalant and quick. Like he was just small talking to me and then,

oh, it put then it was done. Yeah. And then I'm like, it kinda hurts. It's like, oh, that'll pass. Oh, damn dude. Yeah, you know, it was working, Lou. If you're saying it kinda hurts, then it was sort of,

or, because ripping a tooth out of your head would be extremely painful. I mean, I imagine that you'd pass out from that. Blood streaming down your face. Well, the local, you know, the Squirty stuff they do before they give you the injection to numb that area. That is what I've, you know, that worked. Oh, yeah, so you're on anesthesia. But that's not really strong. Just slept on Christine's butt cheeks and let her farted it out for you. I bet those things, yeah, those things definitely had buckshot power.

You could have fucking stolen that for me. Oh, what the- If I was laying on by her butt I would have pink eye right now. Yeah. It'd be funny if there was just a light brown mist in the room. For sure. I waited specifically time to walk out because I was like, if I smell what those noises created, I'm gonna hit her in her sleep

and then I'm gonna walk out and never look back. I'll send for my things. And I'm just over here. The house belongs to the fart now. And I'm just, yeah, sorry, it's in the walls. It controls the TV. I was belongs to the fart now. Ah, man, I would kill the fart fancy free right now.

You don't know how good you got it till it's gone. I never, it's like I almost want to just fill. I've been filming Christine sleep to show her crazy things she's doing lately. Yeah. Because she's been grinding her teeth and not wearing her moneca, and I was like, here's why you have to wear it. It's insane the noise it's making. You just do like, buddy.

Yeah. It's what it sounds like. It's what it sounds like. It's what it sounds like. Damn, listen, it sounds like it goes. What am I so freaked out about? I don't know. You got to put your fucking mouth piece.

Wow, but now she's also taken to it. I don't know. It's medication or whatever, but she's taken to, instead of snoring, which is another constant. Now it's this. She goes, Uh. Uh.

It's a moan. I've heard that before. I've heard Katie do that form of story before. Mosher's like, She's gone. So, you know, right? Oh, yeah. I don't know.

She seems always asleep first I have it on my phone does he just saw logs. Oh, yeah, I try to push them on his side. Yeah, I move them. Did it work? Yeah, really you move them and he's like I did have Christine to Christine's such a dead sleeper though. I mean, I just go if you saw those doing the new one or sleep You'd be like you don't do that, dude. Don't too I mean if it's just enough where she's snoring, I just like grab her face and mush it over the other way. Oh, yank pillows out from under her and back you're too high or something like change levels So you're it sucks you hire you hooker into one of those bad things where she hangs upside down what I Wish I could fall asleep first. Are you a Christine's most unattractive state is the way she she does not sleep hot?

Are you a deep sleeper or a quick sleeper? Do you fall asleep quick or do you stay asleep? Oh, I wish I could stay asleep. Now I'm a constant wake up guy. And you don't fall asleep easy. No, when I'm feeling it, like I know, last night we put on that second episode of Bill Cosby. Oh, and I got, I'm talking.

You just say it, put you to sleep. Damn. Ah. He, uh, with the Bill Cosby thing, I got in a position. Dan, that I was like, I was like, I, well, Christie moved back on the couch because I was gonna put my head on a pillow, like kind of like behind her, like near her butt,

and lay there and watch the show. I went in that position. I waited through the dangerous zone. But I went in that position with a plan. I was like, you know, I'm gonna not off on the show. I went in that position. I waited through the dangerous moment. I went in that position with a plan. I was like, you know, I'm gonna not off on the couch. You know, sometimes nice. You go, I'm gonna go to sleep on the couch. I do it every night.

Oh yeah, because Katie stays up later than me. Oh, so she'll be playing PlayStation in the other room and I'll be like, I'm gonna watch wrestling and fall asleep and I'll just, I love falling on the couch. Well, I don't love. I have my whole life. I don't love it, but we fall asleep on the couch

and then I, at a certain time, I get up and I'm like, this is horrible. Yeah, when you get up, you're like, eh! Yeah, and I just made my way to the bed. I just flopped on top of the bed. Didn't even make it, made it nice and easy. I just flopped on top of it for another,

and we had about like three hours, so I had to wake up for basketball. Okay. He didn't even try to wake me up. Not even try. There's no point. Look, there's a, when she's throwing the couch. Yeah, to move to the bed.

Here's why I don't do it. And can I tell you why? And Dan, you might, I don't know. I might agree with him on this, because sometimes you'll agree with Christine though too, on these kind of things. I'm very fair, man. Yeah, on these kind of things, but here's the problem.

I can even do, I see her in fading. And I bet Christine I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette. What's good about it? I'm like, go get the bed, we stuff, take the throw pillows off the whole thing. So I'm like, get in bed. You know, do whatever your nightlies are and get in bed. And she goes, I will, I will go, no, get up and do it now because you're gonna, I'm gonna go smoke.

Where she's at right now, where she's at right now, in that moment, is like the sweet taste of sleep is feeling, it's like, right. So I'm going, Christine, go to sleep, but just move to the bed. Now when I come up out, it's getting bed. And she's like, yeah, no, 100% of the time I come up. And by the way, now I'm furious. Like I said, I go, nice, real nice.

Don't worry. I'll get the bed together. You fucking ass. So now I say things. Now I get to the point where I go, Christine, I'm going to bed. If you're not coming, I'll get the bed together. You fucking ass. So now I say things, now I get to the point where I go. Christine, I'm going to bed. If you're not coming, I'm going to close the door. I'm saying it one time.

I'm like, I'm like, you're dead. I don't have to keep waking you up constantly. You go to bed. Come to bed, you dumb ass. You just let her sleep on the couch until she finds her way home. I do. That's what I do now.

I just leave her out there. I complete. I am one of those people where I will fall asleep on the cat. I fall asleep when I lay down. It just happens. I lay down, I'm out. Like one of those dolls whose eyes close, they go down.

Yeah, it's exactly what I have. My big head, the blood fucking settles. It's like that. I fall asleep. It'll be things where I have talked so much shit about how I'm not gonna fall asleep. I was watching the Royal Rumble on Saturday and I was just, we just ate and I was like, she went in, she's like, I'm gonna go play PlayStation. I'm like, all right, well, I'm watching the Royal Rumble on Saturday and I was just, we just ate and I was like,

she went in, she's like, I'm gonna go play PlayStation, I'm like, all right, I'm watching the Royal Rumble and I was, and then I went into the corner of the couch and I put my feet up and the blanket on and she's like, is blanket on your legs? And I was like, yeah, she's like, you're gonna fall asleep during this paper view? And I was like, no, I'm not gonna fall asleep, then she walks in. Not what I do, baby. She walked in at the edge of the mat, end of the match, and just stood in front of the TV, you know, and I was like I was like, oh, stop it. She's like knocking a fall asleep, huh? I was like I was a warden, man

Yeah, it was a boring match. I get it like her. I become a warden. I'm like just go. Yeah go in the thing like Yeah, you also like refuse to admit that you're sleeping and refuse to admit that you're, you'll be snoring and I'm like, Jay you're sleeping in like, does he do the fall asleep setting up thing where he's like, I'm fine, I'm watching TV and then, yeah, yeah, for sure. And he denies his sleep.

Did I, did I, did I or awake now? Denying sleep or not? I'm not arguing, I'm sure I do that. Unaware snoring, that's a bad say. Is a belly sale a time too? She goes, you used to say you were not sleeping in a movie theater and then like being in the wake you because you were making us uncomfortable. Do you guys start snoring in the movies on Christmas? Yes, oh my god what movie? Spider-Man. What? I haven't even seen it yet.

Well it's a real snooze fest for but Christine. Yeah, Christine gave it two snoozes. Yeah, a real snooze fest. Christine Evans, bonfire, serious ex-sac. Could make it through the whole thing. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe you needed more spider men. Maybe we dress up Christine like Jean-Charlet. Falling asleep on the couch for me is very enjoyable. Well, last night, I think it was wrong.

I kind of wrong. I put on that second build cause be episode. My car in positions, I go, as soon as my eyes start closing, I'm just letting them. And I'm gonna do a couple of hours here. And that's what I did. Thank God. I used to fall woke up before,

I don't know if we be here today. If the she fucking dropped those three on my head. Oh my god, where you were? Yeah, you know, it's funny. It's like, you know, right now, she doesn't, now listen, I go ahead, when she falls asleep sometimes in bed, I go ahead to toe and I'm there for plenty of her beefs, but she's undercover and I'm not.

Well, you go ahead to toe, like sleep-boy camp? No, not when I, not to go sleep. You're only watching TV like that. Oh yeah, on his tum tum. Yeah, like on my tum tum., not to go sleep. I'm only watching TV like that. Oh, yeah, so you're on his tum-tum. Yeah, like on my tum-tum. He's gonna go join. You know what I mean? And, uh, yeah, and like, dick around on my phone

or switch or something. I'm so boring that if I come in the bed, if I lay down in the bed, it's sleep time. Sleep time for big Danny. And I'll sit and watch a little tube. And I told Katie, I'm like, watch TV. You know, hang out, watch TV, and she'll be like, you flip around, and you I'm I'm passive aggressive in my sleep. I'll be asleep and I'll be like

Like that she's like, okay, you're all gonna turn it Shut up Keith and she's like all right, I'll stop watching date live Oh, shut up Keith and she's like, all right, I'll stop watching Dateline. Oh. I was like, I didn't know I did that. And I flip around so much. I watched the whole Dateline while Christine was asleep the other day.

Really? I'll flip around so much that Katie will be like, I gotta move to the couch. You're flipping and flopping. One time I hit her, it's my arm flopped around. I don't teach her. I've hit Jay. Yeah, I know, it's talking about the other day.

He's fucking arm comes a flap and you're like, oh, I tell you that my favorite is dropping a remote on Christine's head. Dang, that sounded just like plastic on bone or it's like, punk. Yeah, it was for say the punk in there. Oh, you know it hurt. Did you wake up like, oh, it's been a while she's awake some time

because the thing is, I just been leaning over. The way her TV was the other place, we lay chest to back and I would remote control like this, like up high. And sometimes it's like, I just think falls out of here. It's like, right, just eat him remote to the face, dude. She's had it a couple times.

Oh man. Yeah, you just hope you don't see the trickle of blood come down. Oh no. Oh no. Oh god, it opened me up. Yeah, man. Oh, no. Oh, God, it opened me up. Yeah, man, I, um, trying to sleep, stay asleep has been something I've been like, I tried melatonin, it doesn't work.

Me either. Melatonin gets me to sleep though. Oh, I can, that's not my problem. Oh, see melatonin. To me, it's like, If you told me I needed to go to sleep right now, I could sleep under this microphone on this console. I could go to sleep for a good 15 minutes.

I only get into bed really tired once in a while the and the only time consistently I'm exhausted at a time that is like Appropriate if I was super exhausted at 1 a.m. I'd a part of it would be like hell yes Yeah, hell yes. It's not 3 30. It's not 4 in the morning You know, I mean like times that I tend to go to bed a lot of it So if I can go to bed like early when Christine Falls asleep before me too. It's like sometimes hard to fall asleep But things most exhausted I have is a night before I have a flight

That's the only time I get exhausted at a right time really yeah, you know, I mean when I can't sleep the night before flight No, no, I can't eat I try not to or I try to get a few hours If I can if it's gonna have to hang along the flights. I want to go to bed so appropriately timed and all this stuff I want to go to bed at 10 and wake up at 8 and all the stuff and I'm like yeah, and it's just Impossible I end up like but I'm never more tired than a time where it's like You have to try to get some sleep. You know what I mean? It just hit for whatever reason.

Cause I know it's a mental thing because you have to go on this flight. You're like, oh, I don't get to sleep tomorrow morning. And it just goes like, just ride like this. And you're like, mean, you're so tired right now. And it's like 3.30 and I leave for the airport an hour and a half. Like this sucks. I hate this and you kick around a little.

You flip over and look at your clock and you do a, I'll never be more tired or sleepy than when I get home from the road on Sunday. And I like, I'm excited to play a video game or watch a movie or hang out. And then I'll be like, What's up? It's the bomb or something. It's going on Sunday night your night. And when it's fucked with like bad sleep and then let your tired.

You're like, no, this is my night to do everything. Because when I was single, it was easy to do the fly late on Saturday or fly early Sunday morning, come back to Queens, sleep for two hours, wake up, hang out with Vecchio, go get my groceries, do whatever the fuck I want, stay up. But now it's Katie, I come home and I'm like, all right, should we get lunch, what should we do?

I'm like up and then just the second, I'm like, all right, should we get lunch? What should we do? You know, I'm like, up. And then just the second, I'm like, oh, fuck, I want to fall asleep so bad. Yeah, I'm trying not to get stupid early sometime. Listen, it's a long flight. Like the short flights, I'm trying not to leave stupid early anymore because my thoughts always to get out a dodge quick.

Sure. But it's, I just this weekend, I got home late, I'm 40, sucked, I got home like six at night. Yeah, sucks. Last week, because I'd leave it to, It's I just this weekend. I got home late at 40 sucked. I got home like six at night. Yeah sucks Last week I'd leave it to but sleeping the full night there On the road was like kind of like When I went to the air but everything was just kind of like I still fell asleep in the plane for a little bit So it was like it's only a two hour flight But it like when I woke up that day was like, oh, that's fine. It is kind of nice as we're getting older

It's easy to do the travel thing. I remember when I was drinking and I was on the road and you just wake up hung over and you'd be like, well, I'm gonna smoke some weed and then I'll get on the plane. Oh, I'm so cool. We know I'm like, we even have drinks on Saturday night now. And like, again, if it's my flight to like 6 a.m. And you're like, people say I go,

dude, you're going to the airport like 4.30. You might as well come out and drink with us. I'm like, that's a terrible idea. No, I'm almost, dude, as I'm bearing the airport like 430. You might as well come out and drink with us. I'm like, no, that's a terrible idea. No, I'm almost, I'm dude, as I'm bearing down on my 40s, and I'm, they're like, just stay up and drink. I go, but that is going to fuck my week. It's stuff. If you're in your 20s and you're listening to this right now,

just understand all the stuff that you take for granted, like being able to sleep through the night, or pooping, consistent, play basketball once and not have a mega injury. Go play a game in the park with your friends and not wake up fucking hurting. Snow, it's coming. You're late thirties, you forties. It's hard. It's coming to hurt you.

You're all joking, suck my cock. I know once built like you. Joe Rogan's 50 in fucking climbing mountains bare-handed. Yeah, dude this cuz he's on enough He's juiced to fucking kill a horse fuck yeah, dude. I'm gonna get a suicide juicin Can't don't say that I'm gonna do so bad. I in fact, I have a dog poop I have a doctor's appointment for my arm. I would say just inject Roy's and anything. It's probably gonna make it better Poop I say if you find tonight, inject it right in your asshole. Maybe your asshole's not strong enough

to shit this thing out. That's where it is. There's a T that's good. Oh no, already got, Jacob sent me the pills, dude. I'm going right to the point. Yeah, you gotta know a T that really cleans your out. Christine.

Smooth, smooth. Christine, do me a favor. Could you not be so gross for five seconds? Not sure. Could you not? Thank you for bringing that up. I'm gonna get Senacot extra strength. Yeah.

You get duty in your mouth and then you duty and somebody else's mouth. What do you want to try? You want to spread your butt cheek really far and I'll yell at your asshole. Hey, let it out. I can try that. It's gonna be funny though,

because I'm gonna take it as I'm leaving the stand, like drugs, and then like after my last set, I don't be like, yeah, responsibility's over, time to get nice. Yeah, and then I'm gonna get home- I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Seriously wrong and I have to be like sorry Rochester I can't make it this weekend. I have a compacted colon or something where the I then Dan's gonna run home ago Cured my lactose intolerance Thank you good night not even the worst closer of the year either it's not

Dude someone brought up the special we're talking about right now at the seller last night And I popped in a way that like I had to check myself. I was like are you guys talking about. Oh yeah. Sorry. And they're like yeah we are and I was like Dan Perlman reached out to me about it blindly. Didn't even know we did a thing about it. He goes dude you see this whatever joke and I was like oh yeah it's been a thing. Oh about the one I'm talking about the one we're talking about now or the one. The Ridge.

Oh yeah. No, that was the winner. Yeah, so which by the way, we will see you this weekend. Jay will be in Dallas at the Addison Improv this Thursday through Saturday for tickets. Go to bigjcony.com and it comes to show. And come to, yeah, come to fucking, what are we, Rochester?

Yeah, Rochester, come out to Rochester, New York and we'll have a little conversation outside. Talk to a little garbage plate. Yeah, dude, I've never had a garbage plate me either. I'll have one this thing. Maybe that'll make me poop Probably if I go look what's in a garbage plate You live a garbage plate if I go up there with a backpack full of books if you know what I mean Like talking about talking bush Yeah, dude if I go up there fully loaded I'm gonna have a garbage plate and hopefully just let it rip. I am looking forward to this shit in a way.

Yeah. That I'm like, man, I'm gonna, I want a bus. You're gonna look at it. I'm gonna. When did you take the stool softener? Uh, last night. Dan? And still didn't kick in.

It's been. You should get the Cennacottas. Okay. It's, I took it, I took two stool softeners one at midnight wanted 11 30 a.m Garbage point. I mean what's the what can what can the harm be it? I think you're gonna be home Here's what it is. I'm gonna read with garbage play this is gonna get him. It's gonna get him going Mm-hmm. Don't worry Jacob, this is gonna get him going. It's a plate piled high with fried potatoes.

Okay. Love that. Baked beans. Not really a fan. Come on. Hot dogs. Okay. Onions.

Yeah. Mustard. Sure. And it's chili-like meat sauce. I'll do that. I'll do that without the beans. Is that possible? They're saying that they're not good.

There's also like, also by the way, can I bring up? There's also some macaroni salad way, can I bring up? There's also just like macaroni salad or something. That's like, well, Macaroni cheese or burger patty. Can I say something? I had beans in a dish Katie made a lovely chili on Saturday night.

Mm-hmm. Might have been Friday night. It was like when the snow storm was coming we were in box groceries. She'd make a chili. I look like a guy who should have a once a year chili. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. And with like a filly flare on it. Totally. There's like something where you're like,

oh, because that meat is known in the Philippines. So Katie made a chili and she's like, I know you hate beans, but chili you need beans. Can't have chili that beans. I was like throwing them in there. The big reds at least. Yeah, we had, yeah, the big red kidney beans. So I had those and I've been constipated since and I've never had beans. The beans bound you up. Do you think that's what it was?

You're allergic to vegetables like a fucking boy. Oh, you think so, doctor. Oh, you think so, doctor. But do you think that's it? I'm looking for causes in all the wrong places, looking for causes. Looking for causes in all the wrong places looking for causes looking for causes in What's that being supposed to make you know?

Beans beans magical for the more you eat the more you too, which I have been tooting. I just have them in pooping How long has it been now since Like a solid duke Saturday morning. Oh, how about soup soup. It's a your favorite Saturday morning. Oh, how about soup? Soup. It's your favorite poop. Your favorite food. It makes you have to poop. I don't know. I have tried every I like tried vegetables. Yeah, I ate all vegetables and hummus last night at the seller. Have you tried shoving those zucchini up your ass? No, but I'll do it. You see what like the fart jar girl eats. You might have to break it up. Maybe put an M80 up your ass and see if you need to break it up a little bit. Like a dynamite charge.

You gotta get a blast going. That's not what my finger was gonna be. Yeah, I know. Your head you were like, if I could just thing up there. In my mind, like a cartoon, I pictured it my finger going up, coming out, and then, yeah, and nothing. Just finger shit. Just me going out, out, out, out.

Abdominal massage has also been shown to stimulate the muscle contractions. I'm having the muscle contractions. You are. I'm having the contractions. I'm getting to the point where all that needs to happen is the poop needs to fall out of my body. I don't know why the poop's not falling out of my body.

I have an anus, something from a nurse. Yeah. It uses a, takes care of geriatric patients sure. I'm geriatric if you press the belly in yeah finger around the butthole in a circular motion Oh, that will send things shooting out. That's what they use on geriatric patients Guess what rubber on your ring dude. I'm going I'm going I am going a full I'm gonna do it. You're gonna fucking work the ring. I'm gonna do that. I almost wanna go do that now during the show,

but I think I'm just gonna go with the whole firework finale and take, lack, laxatives and do that. And all the massage my belly. No, the stool stuff, there's not working. And they're the same thing. No. Do you think Jacob's stuff's better than it? Like just X not working. And I don't think the same thing. No.

Do you think Jacob's stuff's better than it? Like just X-lacks? I didn't take X-lacks. I took a natural stool software, which is like you drink it in water and it's supposed to get in your stomach and make everything more water. Do you know?

But it doesn't force you to shit. I'm a laxative, does it? I'm a bit of a holistic guy. I'm like modern medicine. So maybe- I've always known that. Have you thought about maybe human centipede and Christine's asked to your mouth and let her blow three in there. Maybe shoot your shit out of your ass I think that's very smart. I'd be willing to look into that. I'll say what?

I know it's a little hippie-dippy of me. I get back. I get I love it I also kind of think it's more Eastern European That is anything I believe I believe okay, maybe it's a smart friend's for these I'm not sure if the centipede isn't from the Balkan The Germanic area around centipede and Christine. Yeah, but I will I if I come back Monday Let's look into that if I look if I come back from Rochester and I got a Yeah, how's it garbage plate in there, too? Dude, I don't know. It's just started falling out of my ears. That's not the classic garbage plate.

Yeah, oh yeah. Lou just pulled out a fucking rubber glove. Can I hold on to that? Thank you, sir. Hell yeah. Guess what? Captain save a hoe in case I need it later. Oh, I thought you were going to blow it up and make a glove turkey.

I was going to put it over my head and do the Mandel. I started carrying around wipes though, just in case. Oh yeah, good man. Can I tell you right now, this is another sign of getting old, look at these, shit right in your pocket. Cotton L's break up too easy. Damn, you're rough on your butt.

Yeah, I'm, I'm, Cotton L's refined for me. I'm a Carclined signature. Damn, dude, you need that Costco strength. You need mother of six strength. They're strong They don't fall the cotton L's dude like you might as well just wipe your asshole with your finger I don't agree with that. I have a I have the extra large pack that I bought the stack pack That's why your assholes too dainty to handle this kind of situation. What you're right my rugged but hold be out there I don't give a shit. I pop or I'd pop a

Roy. I shove it back in. I was wondering if I was the damn good man. I was wondering if Gay dudes deal with like in moments like this with their constator dealing with their asshole. If it's like a mechanic in your car breaks down, you know how to work it better. You know, you're like, I'm like under the hood pinkering. I'm like, I don't know if I push this. Does it? Or Gay guys like listen, honey, I can feel it's busted on the right piston. Yeah, constipation is the period of the gay community. Yeah, it's going to shut down shop for a week. Our guys are so old fashioned with your wipes.

It's like, you don't understand that you're using the Sony disc man. Yeah, I've asked cleaning. Can I tell you right now, Jacob? I've told you to get that. Yeah. And it's giving you, it'll give you an anima every time that would have helped you a lot. Bobby Kelly got off stage at the seller last night. We were talking and I told him I was

concentrated and he goes, get a bidet. Dude, what are you doing? Bidaking.com. Got a bidetking.com $200. He's like, that'll, the water will shoot that shit out of your ass. He's right. I think he's right. I don't or stick with what you're doing. He's like that. The water will shoot that shit out of your ass. He's right. I think he's right. I

Don't stick with what you I couldn't imagine I don't need that. Yeah, I feel a little poop right now, and I'm taking all advice. I Give you this advice a long time. I couldn't see then and I'm sorry. I can't see the possibility of a bidet First of all knocking out constipation. I couldn't see doing it with there's no way the pressure is that high. It is. I'm telling you. I use a shower. I use a shower head in the bathroom and I'm pretty sure the water doesn't go up my butt and I put it I spray it. It's three streams that meet in the one stream like the fucking when they try to kill gozer and the goasters

it's three streams coming together into one stream like the fucking when they try to kill gozer and the ghost busters It's three streams coming together into one stream and I put that right where they meet On my asshole, and I don't think it goes up my asshole Just made a reference trist back down Jacob the J he knows bestie. He had he He doesn't have one, but that's the only one. Jacob, are they easy? Jay, are you getting the new iPhone 3 when it comes out? Here, the camera's really good on that.

Jacob, you're getting angry with me. I think of a day is awesome if it says it's gonna... Now, Jacob, I'm telling you it does. Do I need to hook it up to a water source or can I just pull it out of the fucking box and BingBang Boom? No, it hooks up in five minutes. You're using the water source that connects to the bowl.

Jacob, you have a soft supple yet firm muskier ass. What are the me and DJ Loo's gonna do about this? That's what I'm saying, man. I'm telling you that we're gonna be on your mud slide going up there, you know what I mean? It's like when a baby shits up its diaper into its shirt. I would kill for that.

You won't go back afterward, I'm telling you, you'll never, you won't wanna go on the road because you won't have to take with you. Fuck, I don't know, man. I took Myrtle on a walk and she pooped and I felt like she was rubbing him in. Yeah, just like, oh my God, that's so weird. She looked at me, I was like, what's that?

Christine, should we get a bidet? I'm gonna get a bidet. I'll tell you right now, this has made me wanna get a bidet. Yeah. All that money bidet. I'll tell you right now, this has made me want to get a bidet. Yeah. All that money I'll spend on softeners and laxatives. I'm gonna have to have, Christy, Christy, you have to fart yourself

before you get in the bed at night now. Why do you fart it out? Think about a bidet working like an anima, but I guess it does. Yeah. Well, that's it. An anima. The aim of is what I also concern myself.

When you get the aim wrong, you're gonna hit your thighs. But that's why you set it. You gotta set it and then it's just good to go. Yeah, but what about me and Christine's assholes are in the same place? No, but maybe there's like luxury settings on cars where you hit one and two. One, two.

It's like we do use that in our cars. It's hard to explain this. First of all, there's a nozzle. There is a direction, like a up and down on the direction, but you just know where to sit after like the first or second, your butt just knows where to be. Trust me. Damn, dude, you are really selling this.

Just go to bedaking.com. Let's see what we're looking at. Let's show. You never just like tried the one at guest. Did you know? No of you. Yeah. You shit at castage all before?. You remember just like tried the one that guessed it at all? No of you. Yeah. You shitted castage before?

No, I've just tried the bidet. I'm about to get off your creep. I'm about to call them. You were everything wrong. Why don't you fart there? I'm about to call them after you. So you're pushing it home. I'm about to call them and be like,

hey, can I stop through after the show? And they're like, you want to do a podcast? I'm like, sure. Yes. Get the Tushy. I told you. The Tushy look at the Tushy. Go to bidet king. Or look up the Tushy. I told you the Tushy. I got to go to go to bedaking or look up a Tushy.

Well, Toto is the top of the line. That's the biggies. But that's a full toilet. This is like, no, no, I said, sure, they make the toilet tops. Which I'm it's like a replacement. It's like a toilet seat. This is Tushy. These are the ones that just sit over your bowl sorta Fantastic kind of like that. That's kind of easy They're very easy to do and I just have to say to you is are you okay? Yeah

Do they want to sponsor the bonfire? That's a good question. Show to Toto. I'm telling oh look at that I see what it is that I like that I like that idea. First of all that extra lipstick and out there I'm definitely shitting on that thing. So I don't know there's a cleaning nozzle. You don't know you're missing what I'm saying. This thing there's a flat part is going underneath. Under the seat and I'm telling you I'm going to shit on that. Look at her. That lady has poop falling out of her butt. Bring up a day. I didn't know it. I know that face anywhere We don't need to go to toto go to toto

Campers campers. I hope you still accept me being a pinata of poop. Oh, man. Do not get no fight tonight with them You punched me in the stomach. It's gonna fucking end up all over your shit. Well, there's Tushie ace Ace if you want if you're gonna go for you got to go for go to the ace, go to the 600. Toshi damn 600 bucks that but it's your whole top of your toilet seat That's the thing. So I'm telling you're These work look They're worth a million dollars. See Damn. Yeah, that's the way to play it

But Jacob, will I have a hard time connecting the water source because I am dumb No If I was there I do I might be up I could probably come over and do it for you in five minutes. So easy You're gonna be back next week to install I order it'll be I don't get a warm water line I have to hook up to your cold. I'll do a cold water. I'll learn how to bathe in the cold Better for your ass a cold water all around a bathe in the cold. I'll take better for your ass. The cold water is It the shrinks like if you have a hemorrhoids of cold cold shrinks hemorrhoids Oh, okay. I love it. Dude. This is the knowledge I need. I won't guess where it's from. I'm not gonna ask how he knows it I was unaware of that. I'm just gonna say thank you and I might order that.

Because this past three days have been all I've been doing is walking around being like, I have to poop. I can't poop. I have to poop. I can't poop. It stops like when we do the show and I'm like sitting or whatever, like doing stand up, hanging out. It'd go away. But that's one of those things where you like turn the corner and you're like, oh oh, fuck, I have to poop and I can't. Damn, that's just doing, I can't believe you're doing sets tonight. Four. Oh man. We should be distracted.

Yeah, well, I'm doing two and then I'm going to go back to my apartment, probably give it a run, you know. If you don't get it there, the call back you out is going to be defeating. That's what I did yesterday. It's cold. That's what I did last night. Tuesday is probably not gonna be packed. Yeah, when we went down last night, when I went after the bonfire, I went home and tried.

And that was defeating. I did a lap around my apartment with my hands over my head. Come on. Comment text you all night and you're like, did you make? Yeah, dude. Every time I've come out of the bathroom, Katie's been like, when I went back to Jersey, Katie's been like, when I went

back to Jersey, Katie's been like, yeah? And my dad, she's like, damn, dude. Damn. It's fucking brutal. I take diarrhea over constipation. Of course. Any day. Oh my god. Diary, I feel late as a feather. Oh my god, I feel like I got abs. When it's non-stop coming, I'm like, this is probably- Yeah, this now, I feel like- I go, I don't feel very good, but I'm a high-rear. I feel like it's a feather. Oh my god, I feel like I got abs. When it's non-stop coming, I'm like, oh, this is probably... Yeah, this now, I feel like... I go, I don't feel very good, but I'm probably shredded. I feel like I have starvation belly now.

A little Ethiopia belly? Yeah, I got Ethiopian belly. It's just popping out. Little pouchy. But the good news is... Buzz. Katie was packing to go to Connecticut or whatever? Packin', get it.

Hey, and you know when you forget you have clothing, and then a couple things move and you're like, oh, that sweatshirt. She was like, hey, this gray sweatshirt. I was like, I'd loved this sweatshirt. I forgot it existed. So that was fun. That was a little benefit.

Oh yeah. Yeah, you can feel nice and swaddling your comfy sweatshirt later. I don't know, man. My butt gets the butt humidity and everything you're gonna You're gonna have an involuntary smile on your face when it come while you're still on the ball you go, huh? God yeah, if it wouldn't be too gross. I would videotape it and send it to you face it be fine Yeah, I'm just just my face. I think I used to do that on Snapchat all the time But Snapchat first came out we would just be on the road and film our faces pooping and then send it to it.

Bobby would just get a Snapchat from me and I'd be me going like Okay, we always try to get the plunk if you get the plunk, that's the funniest part But I will I'll try to film my face and send it to you. I'll send it to the group. I'll make it a butt You know, I'll try to fill my face and send it to you. I'll send it to the group. I'll make it a butt, you know, I'll make it classy. A part of me wants to see what you produce. Dude, if you really want that, you can join my paywall. You can do my monthly fans. It wants me to make it.

Holy fang just damned duke in this thing out. You can really build it up. Do a real one time event. Honestly, I'm more than a million dollars in a month. I'm not only a president, I'm also a client. I'm very excited to see what comes of all this. It's gonna be impressive. And I'm kind of glad that Katie's gone for work,

because now I can make my little boy noises and be like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no like Like with her in the other room I'd be like Oh, I'm frustrated. You've done it. God. I'm still fuckable. That's the worst. How about like it's the push feeling? I do not do that. I keep pushing. I'm saying the push noises, but then like the nothing at the end of it when you go I go this is it ready. This is the exact it this is the exact push noise I mean what the fuck You've been listening to serious XM's bonfire New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on SiriusXM!