The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Onania Club with Ryan Long

Episode Date: October 23, 2024

There once was a movie that was never released, with this plot: a group of women get aroused by the misery of others. Ryan Long and Mike Finoia explore "The Onania Club" and the "Human Centipede" flicks. Jay dives into nudity in horror films. Men and women who show their big and small parts on the big screen-this episode has it all! *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly The bonfire faction talk serious xm103 Big Jay Okerson Robert Kelly gone for the week coming back next week sit in his chair today. We got the great Mike Fanoia We have a guest in studio everybody He's got a new special out right now called Problem Solved, available on youtube.com slash at Ryan Long Comedy. It is the hilarious Ryan Long. What's up buddy?

Great to be back in the Sirius Studios. Thank you for having me fellas. Back in the hot seat. Congrats on the special dude. Thank you brother. Did you, we were talking Rocky Horror Picture Show before. Did you ever go to a screening? I feel like you.

No, but I was in punk bands and it was very adjacent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always thought maybe you were a guy that a couple of hot chicks could talk you into going. I could have ended up there if I was brought by hot chicks who, when I was younger, Christine's boyfriend did not have that. It was just him and his guy friends

wanting to dress up like ladies and go throw hot dogs at a movie screen or whatever they did. Yeah, there's a fine line between you're a horror guy, then you can get into rockabilly, and there's sort of a split, and then you go, I'm gonna be this for the rest of my life. Rockabilly is the weird, yeah, the stray cats

is like the line. That's like the gateway to now I'm a horror film guy. Do you think anyone's been in a bad movie? A straight man has been in a, but he's super in a Rocky Horror Picture Show, but he's straight, just had man, has been in a, but he's super in a Rocky Horror Picture show, but he's straight, just had a big argument with his chick, and had to slam the door in a bedroom,

and go, fuck you, I'm going out, and then had to like sultry, put on fishnet stockings, and do those things where you touch your thigh on the way up. He ashed on his inner thigh, oops. He goes, you know that's my choker, you whore. You know that's been my choker. Thursday's for the boys.

There was a moment where I got into the Bruce Campbell Evil Dead lore. Like I was probably like grade 11 smoking weed and I was just like, oh maybe I'm the guy that's into movies like this. You know, oh, that's a fun stoned moment. You know what I mean? Maybe I'm the guy, you know, I'm around people and they're like Evil Dead 3 and I'm like, you don't even know about the director.

That wasn't gonna be the original director. You know, just having random facts about all sorts of horrors. That's what I do. And then when I learn them, I yell them at other people like they should have known that also. Buddy, let's not even talk about movies if you don't know the answers to who the gaffer was.

You don't know the gaffer from The Shining is the same reason the sound is so good. You know what, I'm not even gonna do this. Dude, when Bruce Campbell did Impractical Jokers, we redid some shit. You had him on there? Yeah, and we were at like a, they went and did like a, like a challenge, cause Q's a huge fan of Evil Dead. And they did a scene, remade a scene, and he like it like a challenge because Q's a huge fan of Evil Dead and

They did a scene remade a scene and he had to like basically they made Q's wish a punishment Yeah, we had to go into a scene get stuck in the mud and tons of goop all over everything right, but they tried they were smashing Frosted glass over his head like prop prop plates That that and there was a real plate in there and they smashed smashed it on Q's head, and it fucking gave him, it knocked him silly. But he had to keep going, dude. Yeah, and he had a big lump for the fucking, but he had to just keep going. And Campbell's watching going, you suck.

Just totally burning him while he's doing this. He's fucking great. Are you a big horror guy, Ryan? Mostly just that, and I read his biography. I was getting into him. Who's all? Bruce Campbell? Yeah, Bruce Campbell.

And then, cause it was one of those movies that I think that was like, in my opinion, the quintessential one that was so bad it was funny. And then the next one they're like, maybe we are funny. But the third one they're like, yeah, this is a comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? When I was a kid, I'll tell you, that was one of, again,

like core memory fears, and they're in movies. It's always movies, horror stuff, but one of them for sure, and I believe it's Evil Dead, the original, is the naming the cards, with the playing cards, and then you just hear the voice start getting stranger, and then the way she just turns around, this is my first time ever just seeing that face, it's almost cartoonish now, the dead-ite face,

but when she first turned around like that, I was like, no! Like I didn't know we were watching, like I walked into a room, I think my dad first turned around like that, I was like, oh! Like, I didn't know we were watching. Like, I walked into a room. I think my dad was watching with somebody, and I was like, what is this? This little cat? By the way, you see a cabin in a movie,

and you're like, ooh, maybe I wanted some boobage. Yeah. And then it's like, a little shot in the window. I just scared the shit out of me. Michael Jackson turning in Thriller was a biggie for me. And Pet Sematary Sister. What's that?

The Zelda, the sister in the movie Pet Sematary that they a pet cemetery sister. What's that? The Zelda, the sister in the movie Pet Cemetery that they flashback to. You never saw that? No, but I know what you're talking about, when that was a good place to spot titties when you were younger. You're like, no, I'm a horror guy.

Specifically, you had around the 29 minute mark of the sequel. Horror titties are such great titties, too. This, this right here. Turn this up. This was... And that's what she was. By the way, always, when I was an adult, they describe this. Turn this up. This was... By the way, when I was an adult they described us with an actual disease. She has spinal meningitis.

Which is a great Ween song. And then at the end of the movie they have her like just talking and stuff Yeah It was so we wouldn't feel any more pain. It was me balls, and I thought I thought it's such a dramatic scene though she goes Everyone thought I was crying, but I was laughing You know what always got me instead of like this shit was more like the psychological shit. Like Clockwork Orange got me early on in Full Metal Jacket when he shoots himself in the bathroom and shit. That stuff got me. I saw that on Mushrooms and that freaked me out pretty bad. Dark and tense movies though, again,

what they always had that I was in for was a good crazy fuck scene. So those didn't wig me out. Like Clockwork Orange didn't wig me out because I drank it in completely as over the top nudity and violence. And then like, yeah, whatever. People say it's like a weird, trippy, fuck,

I don't give a fuck. That's why I said, 2001 Space Odyssey. It's an okay movie. No tits. No tits. No tits. Yeah, sure, I get it. It's like some kind of.

They've been going hard on D and films and movies lately like Netflix shows They really they turned down the titties and they turned up the dog. Yeah turned up the dog lots of dong That is the they're not fucking around with the dogs either Which is what you're gonna get cuz you're not gonna get a lot of guys signing up with the medium dong No celebrity is going to do that with a small dick You're only gonna get the biggest cut guys. And finding out the people through film has been upsetting.

To me, the craziest one, never would have guessed Kevin Bacon as a fucking hammer. And then you did that movie where his dork's just hanging out. It's fantastic. What movie is Kevin Bacon? You know what movie it was. That's seven degrees of Kevin Bacon.

It might be in Wild Things when he's a Seven inches of Kevin Bacon. Seven inches of Kevin Bacon. Seven Kevin Bacon. It might be in Wild Things when he's a Seven inches of Kevin Bacon. Seven inches of Kevin Bacon. Seven Canadian Bacon. Lot of fucking fat on that meat. I mean that guy, the guy dancing around at the end of Saltburn, is that what it's called? Yeah, who's that?

I forget his name. I remember that one. He's got a strange face, but it doesn't matter. Cause he's got a huge cock. There's some British one I was trying to watch yesterday, or like maybe three days ago. It was the start of a British gang show. So I'm like, this is going to be sick.

Episode two, Gay Orgy just hammers swinging. And it wasn't even relevant to the plot. It was like the guy had to walk through it to get the guy. The boy, the show, the boys, very minimal female nudity, tons of cock. That's the Seth Rogen Judd Apatow, that's their school of thought. Cause I think the culpable deniability is they're like, well it's funnier, but you're like, okay,

but the joke's been done, now you're just putting dicks and shit. Yeah, now you're just, yeah. Now you just love dick, dude. The first one was the forgetting Sarah Marshall, wasn't it? When he showed his dick, it was like, oh, Russell Brand? Whole thing? No, not Russell Brand, what's his name?

The Jason Segal? The Jason Segal? Yeah, Jason Segal. He has a huge cock? Yeah, it's pretty big. Why don't they, I hated the way you said that. No, not Russell Brand. What's his name? Yeah, it's pretty big. I hated the way you said that She thought about it she pictured it she did she went she looked over your head. She looked over your head like it was Osmode Sure through the seven biggest dicks in her head Yeah, it's a great She's like, he's like a five to a six It's a niceie

He's a tall dude, I bet he's got like a big Ari Shaffir Jewish dork With a big sack of balls behind him He's also fluffed though, cause it was a soft scene Which you know you're fluffed right up for that I'd be juiced to the brims if I was going Yeah, I'd be sitting on a heater. Oh yeah, dude, that guy's got a flopper. Yeah, Mr. Man.

It's Mr. Skins. Yeah, it's pretty big. Christine Marie. It is, though. He really makes up for his completely undescribable blank slate of a body. TV dinner body. As a guy's got a, my only hope.

I don't think he ever works out a day in his life. My only hope in the world is that it stays that thin when it gets bigger. It just gets long and thin. Cause no one likes that. Yeah. I wouldn't, I don't know what the price would be for me to fucking have my flopper.

I think you'd have to get creative. You go, I'm in control of the final edits. How far are you from the camera? What else is going on behind you? If it's just you straight away standing next to some bongos, you got to have a hanger. But if it's like maybe a firefight. I picture it's like a faded out, half faded out picture of my wiener with fireworks in the forefront. In the forefront, yeah.

Bombs are dropping in front of it. Fireworks are going off behind it. Yeah, somehow Cher is in the moon. Only Harvey Keitel didn't give a shit. About his wiener. About, oh yeah, he was one of the only famous guys that went out there with a small one. Yeah.

Respect. Fuck it, I'm a character actor. Sometimes guys, well there's guys that will do that too. Listen, it's the give up effect. There's so many guys that, I remember a kid I knew named Ramsey Moore, he was a comic guy in LA. He's a big, big guy, really, really fat. He died from it, ultimately.

But at his memorial, I went to his memorial, and whoever was in charge of making the memorial video said, they were like, you know, we didn't do that. I think I even, it wasn't even close friends of mine, but it was definitely, I said the thing, I go, they're gonna show a bunch of his acting work, and I go, well this guy did a lot of like the sure, I'll be the fat guy, slip and sliding,

or I'll be the gross, I'll be the gross animal who's doing this with my shirt off or look at my weird butt crack in the middle of that massive lard. And they were like, no, no, no, it's a real nice piece. They did. It was exclusively those things. This is after the funeral video, dude. Yeah, it was a giant urn,

because the ashes were a lot also. Oh, God. The urn because there was the ashes were a lot also The urn was like carrying a cauldron it was just a gravy boat Like we have a crock pot of ashes is that him yeah, oh no for a while how long ago did he die Maybe ten years ago. Yeah, I maybe 10 years ago, yeah. Damn. I remember this guy. Maybe a little more. Huh?

I remember him, but yeah, he was just the fat guy in the movies. He's been in a couple things, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell ya, this is why I'm a huge fan of Sydney Sweeney, man. She's bringing tits back, I gotta feelin'. Like, she's just out with it. Like, she's okay with it.

I? She's brilliant. It's, it's, she is. She doesn't, she knows. She knows what she is. She's bridging the gap I? Brilliant. It's something, she is. She knows. She knows what she is. She's bridging the gap between the dick hair back to the t-air.

She's just bringing it back, dude. She's cornering the market. She really is. I'll tell you though. She's owning my algo and I'm a big fan. I'm telling you though, I don't, I, she's of course hot, I get it, but I hate her because of the overexposure, they're just saying like she is

Too much heat. Like she's the quintessential woman, I'm like, she's a typeposure. They're just saying like she is. Too much heat. Like she's the quintessential woman. I'm like, she's a type of girl. Look at that ass. Like there's, yeah, she's fucking hot. Who's arguing? I'm just saying like, but they're cramming her down your face like this, cause like.

That's how I feel about Jason Momoa. Yes. But yes, I agree with what you're saying. That's her left hand, Jason Momoa. She's so. Her right to this Jason Kelsey It was Travis Kelsey I don't give a shit. I don't need him fucking slamming beers at Buffalo games on the listen She's so hot

But first of all again do face bothers me when the girls got permanent do face and she does I'm mostly dating girls with that do face angry face angry angry physical deal with Christine's got a permanent do face and she does. I've mostly dated girls with that permanent angry face. Angry, angry face is a good deal. Christine's got permanent angry face. Permanent do face is the... Let's do face. Yeah, and she talks through her teeth. But I say, she's like, everything she's doing,

she's like staring and like her mouth's like semi-open. It is kind of that. I watched her on Hot Ones. It was pretty great. And her eyes though. I liked watching Rit Wing. You just love it. True, yeah.

Beat that wing. Not wrong. I wanted to watch one full thing of her clothed. And her eyes are full. You just love it. True, yeah. Not wrong. I wanted to watch one full thing of her clothes. And her eyes are full. I could watch Wink. Her eyes are far apart too. A lot of felt between them pockets if you know what I mean. Yeah, she's close. Right, guys?

Yeah, her eyes. Yeah, sure. No, but I tell you, I have that. I get that ownership. I don't have that over music. I've never had it. But I've definitely had it over hot celebrity women. That if the world gets into them too much, I that over music. I've never had it, but I've definitely had it over hot celebrity women That if I get if the world gets into them too much. I'm over it. That was my Pam Anderson

Pam Anderson for me is tool time Almost brunette hair. It was so not blonde. Yeah, and pre tit jobs Yeah early playable and then she and then she became you like big tits before they're No, no, she had the test should Shit very average tits. Oh, yeah, yeah, but then Pam, but then yes, see that's not our hottest though Like once she got some no no no no no no no I'm saying but that's well right there. Well, that's right there That's the actual Pictorial that's where I was like, holy shit. She's the hottest girl ever But then she became like the bleach but which I was still like, she's so fucking hot.

But then she became everybody's, she was like the dream girl, and I was like, oh. Now I go, that's the tool time girl. She was on tool time, I go, how can you not know that and have her be your dream girl, dude? Yeah, you're not an OG. She's my dream girl, because I know those facts. There is a difference.

Pam Anderson was hot in a sea of, when hotness was allowed, in a sea of hotness. Yeah. Sydney Sweeney, like, nobody does what she does now. No, that's what I mean. You're saying it's her precious, it's her and Gabrielle Sidibe and then Lizzo. Yeah, there's no one else.

Well, because they're on Only Fam now. She knows that Hollywood's not giving anyone what they want, and she is, and I bless her. I heard there's a movie coming out with her and Ana de Armas getting, anyone what they want and she is and I heard I heard there's a movie coming out with her and on a day Armis getting they have a hot steamy relationship yeah those are my two favorite noise I like on a day on miss a lot she's fine she's very very pretty but I'm saying like you'd like to see a couple tattoos on there potentially I'm a darmin and you know what you look at her fucking beautiful. I tell you something unlike her and the armistice

But this is my gift I have right I could she's got show me any smoking hot chick that would never fuck me in a million I'll tell you why I won't fuck her It looks like somebody took all of her facial features and just put them in like that like just on a computer program Just put her eyes in it right against her. Just put her eyes right against her nose and then her nose right against her mouth. It's all too close and I hate it. And she's stupid and ugly. She's stupid and ugly and she probably has bad breath

and I hate her guts. No, she was so hot in the, what was it, Knock Knock? Do you ever watch that? Oh God, dude, I love that movie. It's just, it's the shittiest movie. It's just two girls come in and the whole movie's worth a 15 minute scene of graphic sex between, it's a threesome with her, another girl on Keanu Reeves,

and then the rest of the movie's about something. I don't know, I think they're trying to kill him or maybe, or like they broke in. Yeah, he just ruined his life. I was thinking about that like today, that it is such a funny thing that the difference between, you know, sex scene in a movie, it's like actress highest like level of thing, you know, these people get knighted, the difference between, you know, sex scene in a movie, it's like actress highest level of thing,

you know, these people get knighted, the highest thing, where it's like slightly little more graphic, you're the bottom of the barrel porn star, like tiny, tiny difference. It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah, basically the credits of the filmmaker is what makes you a fucking... Legitimately, yeah.

That's what it is. There was a movie that... They played on a bigger, the bigger the screen your sex is played on, the more legitimized it is. Christine, look up, put up the words, the club movie about masturbating to tragedy. It never came out. It's one of the few movies I've seen trailers for.

They got you with the trailer, never hit you with it? But it's a director who's done other things. I'm trying to remember who it was, but maybe like Tai Wei. I think it's the guy who did, what's that, Human Centipede? The Onania Club.

Go if you can find a trailer for it. They might have gotten rid of the trailer. It's just a gathering of women, old, young, it doesn't matter, and their thing is they just fucking jill off and watch like 9-11. Oh my God, really? Yeah, to play this trailer, this is never released today nope would you like to tell me why you're here today hot so happy

I got it. She's gonna get it. She's like I had it all but now I have to blast off Come on. Oh, yeah, it's the bitchy old rich ladies. Yeah, Tommy six. Yeah, that's what it is She watches Nuren Berg in the background of dinner The Metallica one video playing every time she comes human centipede was a trilogy. Yeah, you didn't follow the arc Fell off halfway through number two wait here she goes They have to watch tragedy They have the sign oh I should get that tattooed on me No, I'm gonna go whack off to autopsies every time a puppy gets put down you fucking get it

This is like a movie you want to whack off to though What you're free We could you back that up it's 100% a movie a 12 year old boy makes It's like they got like a chubby chicken there and they're all laughing at her I'm sure I could have laughing at her getting bra. They're going to go look at African, sad Africans, then masturbate. Dude. Yo, hashtag bring on your club out. Wow.

What happened to funding up? He's like, oh, Jesus Christ, are you serious? Yeah, they got to go whack off to cancer patients. They volunteer. He's like, oh Jesus Christ, are you serious? You gotta go whack off to cancer patients? They volunteer? That's hilarious, they just went to a hospice and started beating their fucking clams? Aww, aww, cancer, aww, aww, cancer! I hope it's like Cuckoo's Nest weird where the whole movies from like the janitor hospice

What happened to it It's in a vault that the trailer wasn't well-received Yes, not dude. That's somewhere. Why did the Onania Club never come out? I mean if centipede guy can't you know yeah, and also can we start our own Onania Club? Hey, you guys want to come over and fucking pound our cocks I got a band from television DVD just showed up in the house you guys want to watch people get hit by trains and fucking Slam our dick don't touch me. Don't touch me. I'm not gay. I'm gonna sit on a smart water bottle the faces of death I got a link on some Taliban proof of life. Faces of death was a, that was a moment in childhood where you're like, oh fuck.

I didn't whack off to with my grandmother and off her bridge fucking canasta friends. My mom, you and your friends playing canasta? Let me know when you're losing. Let me know when you guys want to get beat off. I just found some videos of like fish dying. Your grandmother would have wanted this. Security footage of a vet. You just can't find a distributor. Let's do it.

How much does it cost? What does it cost to distribute it? Bonfire distribution. Gas digital. Can't you just put anything on Amazon? I mean dude, there you go. Gas digital is the place for it. Scuba Doo Productions, my production company.

Maybe he didn't make the film, he just made the trailer. That would have been brilliant. Right in the ass. There she goes. The market has changed. When was the market back? Are we giving up on it being released? I wonder how many people are in that subreddit.

There's still no word on distribution. This guy's like, hello, am I the only one in here? The market's changed. Damn. That's so funny that a lot of people are thinking the same thing you are. Dude, imagine pitching that concept. That is, you know what?

That's always kind of disturbing when you have some random thought, then you go on, there's like a whole Reddit thread that had that thought. Like, yo, we meet up once a week to say that. You go, well, then I guess I'm done. I guess that's been done. Yeah. It's like, what about a teddy bear that tells the truth?

Man, we thought of it. Mark Wahlberg's all over it. Yeah, fuck. I guess that's been done. It's like, what about a teddy bear that tells the truth? We thought of it. Mark Wahlberg's all over it. Fuck. Yeah, I wanted to come out. What are other movies that- That's a film. Yeah, that's a-

Another movie that's too controversial to be released. I used to, I had a, there was a guy- Director, I mean, couldn't look like more of a guy you do not want to hang out with at all. Oh, he's just the worst. Tom Six, the guy who made a human centipede. How do you get human centipede distributors? Johnny shallow.

How do you get human centipede released? I'll tell you how. Elevator pitch three people sewn together, asshole to mouth, one eats one shits. They go, he went, here's a blank check. Let me know what it turns out to when you're all done. They go listen. He was trying to make his second pitch sound better. They're like, I don't love it,

but it was a succinct log line. He goes, yeah, he goes, I don't know if I'm down with a bunch of old ladies fucking flicking bean to a murder. He goes, I got this thing about dying a Chinese guy's ass to another guy's face. He goes, I'm listening. He goes, and then the person's asses

connects to another person's face? I haven't hung up. I haven't hung up. OK. He goes, how many people? Just two. I'm out. There could be three.

OK. He goes, how do they shit? He goes, how do they shit? He goes, how do they shit? They shit in the one's mouth and then they swallow that shit into the other thing. And then the shit goes into there and then comes out the back person. Nancy, cancel my three o'clock.

Yeah, yeah. He goes, I'm already picturing, I'm already seeing the practical effects. I think we're going to do this a lot of practical effects. We're not going to do a lot of CGI. Now can I play the middle guy? Yeah. Can we get Jon Favreau as the caboose?

If somebody was genius enough to remake Human Centipede and make it all new, but all new actors except for like the middle, is a world famous. Remember they made like, remember like Jerry Seinfeld was like a turkey on South Park once, or George Clooney. George Clooney played like a turkey, like a random one of the turkeys. Something like that, just have the middle person

in the center, be no talking lines, you never get to see them shit. And introducing Catherine Zeta-Jones as number two. Denzel Washington is middle centipede. And as the shortstop. Well the Human Centipede 3 I watched it was starring Brie Olsen fresh off of her six month age scare fucking Charlie Sheen. And she was getting popular, so they put her in this movie. And the guy who played the warden of this jail was great, but he was a crazy warden who loved the movies

Human Centipede 1 and 2. That's meta. Yeah, it's meta. He loved the movies. Scream style. And so his dream was, so he made a 100-person Human Centipede in prison. All male prisoners.

Oh, prison food. Christine, bring over the human centipede three. 100 man, it took days. I was, I only saw the first one. That's just Salisbury steak shits. Sorry, sorry. I was watching the first one with a chick, like in a residence in a university. The black and white one, right? No, no, no, no, the first one with a chick like in a residence in a university the black and white one, right?

No, no, no, the first one's color. The second one's black and white. No, the first one's not like I don't think it's black and white Yes, the first one's color. It all happens in the one house. Yeah Yeah, you're like kind of Germany looking guy. I guess I've only seen the one first one part two I think they're both met I think two is a guy who watched the original movie. But I popped that on to try to get pussy, that's what I'm saying. You brought it over, you guy rented a movie. I didn't know it was gonna be that crazy.

Something tells me that girl had fucking dimple piercings in her cheeks. That's you go, hey you wanna watch Human Centipede and get all worked up. She had a dead doll tattooed on her thigh. By the way, fucking a girl to Human Centipede is like being in the Onan Itita Club or whatever it's called. Sure, yeah, that's bad news for sure.

That's when it starts. Imagine if you can only come if it's like kind of bad news, like somebody gets like a puzzle wrong on Wheel of Fortune. Oh! It's not horrible shit. It took her on a wrong lotto ticket. I'm gonna spin one, I know the answer to the puzzle, but I'm gonna spin one more time.

Bankrupt. Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm gonna spin one. I know the answer the puzzle, but I'm gonna spin one more time bankrupt GPS recalculating, I'm spilling I missed a turn expired yesterday Moldy bread That is going on. He's a club. You know who I liked before she got Work done and now I can't even fucking watch it. Who's the fucking blonde porn star? You and I talked about this she was physical worker Jessup Jessup, yes a Rhodes

Loved her and then she got way too much work Christine had a flat-out crush on her when she did a SDR show and then Got bummed out when she got big weird tits and big weird lips, too. She got all fucking awful. Yeah, dude She was so hot before she was up. She was one of my shame. She was one of my faves nothing like yeah That's that's nothing like ruining your body with big tits like I know the thing How do you mess that up? Could you think like this is gonna be the one thing that gets me over the top. And you're like, it's actually ruined everything. It was fine. You have perfect B cups.

Yeah, yeah, they were great. They're perfect. And then she just got weird Ds, you know? And you're like, what are you doing? You know how you're like, you don't even look like you had perfect ones before, so you don't even get credit for your originals. Yeah, and then you spend the whole time looking for scars.

And you're like, this is stupid. Then once I see the scars, it's like, that's not Santa. That guy's wearing a beard. You know? And when you can't see it. I like when you see the faint discoloration around the entire nipple. Let you know at some point that nipple

was just sitting on a fucking table. Somebody milk jugged that thing in there? And then he did this to just a tit made of fucking blood muscle. He just did this with it, like moving it around. He goes, hmm? Over here? It just took a cake maker and just filled it with dough. When you get bad tit implants,

I like, there were so many porn stars in the 90s just accepted it. They had, like they would be like, cross-eyed, they pointed. And they were like, damn dude, but they're just going like, no, what are you talking about? Because you could squeeze them in the dresses and it still looks like big tits,

but they would come off and have like look like cool toys after a storm It looked like the longhorns you put on front of a limousine if you're a fucking hillbilly They're all pointing the wrong way it's fucking cheap satellite We used to be able to do the the keep up as well either so around the 8-10 year mark They really started looking wacky right right? Now they know how to. Are they forever? Are they like, do some, you gotta get them out of the room.

You're supposed to do a tattoo every 10, 15 years. They haven't perfected that, huh? Yeah, or the blends. It's like verniers. That's a good point. Also the problem when they go all fours and it looks like a ghost grabs their tits because you see the bag lines of Yeah. Of like the tit implant.

It looks, it's such a weird look. That's a super weird look. You see from the side, it's like, it just like dense just happened like in the side of it and you're like, ah. Yeah, that's like where a scalpel was rested. Yeah. Like it just made a mark.

Pump it up, would you? Fill that thing up, dude. It's time to go. No, it's cause the whole bag of water just went. Oh, there it is. Oh, this is the, how did he get all the other guards in? And I feel like if you were a guard. Who, wait, is that?

It might be Zeus. You'd tell the guards and be like, hey. Is that Thin Rains? No, it's Zeus, dude. Tiny Lister. Oh yeah. Why does the, yeah, the front guy probably. Well, Tiny Lister, you weren't gonna get his.

Yeah, you weren't gonna sew his fucking, you weren't gonna sew his mouth, anyone's asshole. Zeus is in front front guy Holy shit Eric Eric Roberts All right, I forgot he also because 100 people he knows he couldn't sew their faces So he designed the harnesses would be interesting you go. I'm gonna need a hundred harnesses For you guys the whole thing. I'm done Jesus This guy that guy is so great the guy who plays the warden

Why are the other guys on board that is what I don't get because they blindly follow their warden dude It's called subservience. It's a microcosm for politics, man. Bunch of sheep. Everyone's just sucking the food out of someone else's asshole and shit into someone else's mouth, am I right? Big old Salisbury steak puke shit cocktail. I don't know about you, but I'm moving out of this fucking human centipede as soon as I can. I think the moral of the story is crime doesn't pay. I think that's, yeah.

I think this is a. I think he gives him warning too, so you get to see him around the jail going like, well, tomorrow's human centipede day, boys. Geez. He's so proud of his work though. Acting is a tough gig. Huh?

No, that's a crappy extra job. You think you're just going in for a normal extra job? Like the moment, like he's one of the, like, of... Is that silent on camera pay or how we talking? Like number 73 goes home to his wife and he's like, listen, I know I was saying I might start a landscaping company because acting's not working out. I got an offer, but hear me out. I know we're playing in the hot desert, but it is fucking freezing out on that stage.

And I got my fucking face in this guy's ass. I'm praying for a fart warm me up. Would you? But I tell you acting is a rough job Jacob and you're right cuz look how many people in this human centipede have like Tats and shit and like all tatted up dudes that were like Dude a gigs a gig. That's it. That's what I mean. It's like can I wear a thermal? You think it's all Tom Cruise and Margot Robbie. This is the reality of 99% of acting. We're not all Kevin Hart in the theaters, dude. We did a horror movie.

There's the guy who owned a coffee shop near our studio when we were in Toronto, and he decided to make a horror movie, and he found the guy that did like Halloween 14 or whatever. He hadn't made a movie in 15 years, found this guy, and me and my friends were shooting it, so we did just cast all us.

And it was like a big joke for all of us. And then the guy who made Halloween, he was a French guy, and he exploded, stormed off set, and he goes, no one's taking this seriously. Had the biggest flip out, then him and the other guy got, him and one of the eighties got a fistfight off set. Oh, was his name like Luc Besson or something? No, it was not Luc Besson.

I would know the guy's name. It was a French name 100%. I guess Luc's a bit of a French name, but this was like real French. How was the movie? Wow, to be number 100 is the worst spot, right? Yeah, number one's the best. Number 100, well, can I tell you something?

You'd think. Yeah, it depends, because you... There's some element of it. Oh, look, he's wiping his little tootsie for him. Oh, the sounds, man. Oh, they're doing it. They caught a shit at the back. They caught a shit. What, Jacob?

Does he run around in the front? Do you not respect Eric Roberts? That guy was in Best of the Best, dude. I do. Why? He respected it. Yeah, but how could he do Best of the Best and then do this? Yeah, because he was in the Lords of Flat the best, dude. I do. Why? Respected. How could he do best of the best and then do this? Yeah, because he was in the Lord of the Flapwish, dude. And he also was there when a guy pulled a turd out of a 100-man human centipede. Eric Roberts inside the actor's studio is like, you remember him from Human Centipede.

Where were you, big shot, when the 100-man human centipede finally committed their first pebble poop? Did we find a list of other movies that were like, never came out because they were too crazy? No. So the centipede guy made his three centipede movies, started to do that and then just sort of disappeared, eh? I bet you there's got to be some weird 70s movies.

Check IMDB for Tom Six, see if anything else has come out because... Crushing it in the corporate world. He just did the new White Claw commercial. Yeah, totally, right? I do, that bums me out so much when I see that. If you look up Rob Zombie, it's like the horror movies and then it's like those Woolite commercials that he was doing for a while.

Gotta make money. I know. They offered him a lot, I bet. Well, I think the idea was more that it was like, make a Rob Zombie Woolite commercial. Woolite? Like the delicate detergent? It's like trust wool light in your machine.

Rob Zombie is in bed with big fucking Fabri-Soffer. Big Fab? Big Snuggle? I think there was some movie about um Was there a movie that like the devil was driving a? 18 wheeler that like chased a car through the desert do you remember this movie? Yes, I think it of the Rob Zombie one aren't you no this is an early 70s like it was like a 70s because I will say there was a

a vignette of a of a movie that was an anthology movie when I was young that I loved called nightmares Amelia West of as was in it that was your see when you were a Jacob that's something something you would remember which one nightmares it was like an anthology and it had one of the stories was Amelia West of as the bishop of, where he plays a video game and he finally gets to the final level. He sneaks into the arcade in the late night to play the game, but the final level, of course, it opens up and then very shitty 80s graphics

come out of it and come to get him. I gotta see this. It's pretty, one of the stories in that was Lance Henriksen, you know he is, right? Bishop is a priest and he's driving on the road and he's being hunted down by a devil 18-wheeler. Driving an 18-wheeler? Is that what it is?

What's it called? And there was another vignette in that same one that was a woman going to get cigarettes and she was, there was like a giant rat like loose in the neighborhood or something and it was like crazy. It was pretty wild. It's like Cat's Eye. it's like one of those.

That's great, did you ever see Cat's Eye? No, it's Cat's Eye. Oh dude, Cat's Eye was so great. Anthology horror. It's like a three part, there's three movies in one, and. But they're not movies, they're like 35 minutes each. But it's like, one is young Drew Barrymore laying in bed, and this weird gnome devil comes out of the wall

and tries to steal her breath while she's sleeping. So he's going up and going like, and inhaling her exhales, and the cat is the only thing that's trying to save her from this fucking, and it just chases him around the room and shit. It's horrible, but it's incredible. And the other one is Robert Hayes from Airplane.

Yes. He's like a gambler and he fucked, I think he fucked a rich guy's wife. So they tell him that he has to, they'll let him live if he can get around the entire building. On the outside. On the ledge. And there's a cat standing on the outside.

And then there was another one where a guy's trying to quit cigarettes. James Woods. James Woods. And every time he lit a cigarette. No, no, no, it was just, they said, you come to us, you quit. You come to us and you quit smoking, and the idea, and you come, but if you hire us,

like you're hiring us. Yeah, yeah, we're the real deal. And that was the idea, and it was like, so he goes and he wants to smoke a cigarette, but then he starts realizing people are watching him every time he almost starts to, and then the big one, he just eventually does it. You see the guy next to him, I think in a car at one point,

and the guy's smiling with him, they're kinda laughing, you see him bopping music or with a hot chick, I think, Steven, in the car with him. That's right, that's right. And then he's like, oh, now's my time, and he goes down and lights a cigarette. And then when he comes up from smoking, the guy who was with the hot chick

is now just staring at him like this. Gotcha. Yeah, it's like the first thing is like they, they make your wife like a- The electrocuter or something. The electrocuter and the next time you fuck up, they're gonna cut her fucking finger off or something. Yeah. It's pretty wild.

Yeah, it's really awesome. And I remember it being on on like a Saturday afternoon. And I saw it way too- Horror movies used to get in the lexicon before, you know, like thinner. Like those things become, I mean, I can't tell you the last 10 years of horror movies that really stuck out into culture

where people are saying it. TBS would throw on, or TNT maybe early on, would throw on a Saturday afternoon horror movie would come on, and that was great. Christine, would you be worried if you had to pay the price for me not smoking? Yes. Yes.

You fuck up. Do you think I would just- You fuck up and you lie about it. Do you think, it's gonna be some point where we're just gonna have an argument and you're gonna hear us going, I'm gonna say something like, oh my God, they electrocute you for two minutes.

Like fucking, come on. You know how much shit I have to put up with? Jesus Christ. You're the reason I smoke. Yeah, well, I think you're putting a little bit of the chicken before the egg here. You don't act like a bitch. I don't smoke. You don't get electrocuted by the electric former.

You just mindfuck her into going, she's electrocuting herself through your cigarettes? Christine, I've had a really rough day. Would you mind just electrocute yourself on video for this guy so he knows what's happening? Go take a bath with a toaster. I don't want to go to the place. Do you mind cranking out a few? I'm gonna rip a couple darts today. Just cut to we're old people

and I'm just holding a cattle prod every time I take a rip, just go, Beez. Yeah. Sorry, hon. Sign the contract. Whoopsie daisy. Sorry, babe. This is a forever contract.

I had, yeah, anthology horror was my jam. The last 10 years doesn't make any good stuff because they rely almost exclusively on CGI stuff. So it's not that fun to watch. And it's on every single one and Netflix cranks out a lot of them, which is they go to a house, something spooky happens. They don't have any variations.

Oh, by the way, so many things go, the haunting of. If you type that in, you'll be a three hour scroll down, like I don't care about the hauntings of. Yeah, it's so lame. It's so lame. I think though, I guess the black horror films sort of, they were popping for a bit. Gimpeel guy.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a moment where he sort of brought it back to the mainstream. Get Out was pretty good. I know, Jay, we have to go. And what was the stupid show on Netflix during the pandemic that got huge? That was haunting of something.

It's always the haunting of something. Uh, Ryan Long's new special problem solved out right now. Everybody, you could watch it the second I say this. It's over at youtube.com slash at Ryan Long comedy at Ryan Long comedy. Make sure you put comedy there at the end. youtube.com slash at Ryan Long comedy, new special problem. comedy there at the end. YouTube.com slash at Ryan Long Comedy. New special, Problem Solved. Check it out now. He's absolutely hilarious. This weekend, Fanoia is gonna be at the Comedy

Connection in Providence, Rhode Island, then Mars, Plains, New Jersey, Nashville, Tennessee, Bloomington, Minneapolis, I'm sorry Bloomington, Indiana. And New Year's Eve of course at Comics Mohegan son everybody that's a fun night out take your lady out for a casino night Fight publicly fight eat some pep is pizza Yeah for tickets always go and mailing list also go to punchup.live Mike Fanoia F I N O I A and check out Mike's new podcast Are we old wherever you get podcasts. And I'm going to be at Helium Buffalo October 25th and 26th, Bricktown Comedy Club Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'm sorry, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, November 1st and 2nd, of course,

doing the meet and greets afterwards, take pictures and say hi at the Red Dog. I should make it official, probably. After that, I'm going to be in Austin, Texas, Louisville, Kentucky, Houston, Philadelphia. For tickets and all tour dates, go to BigJComedy.com. We'll be right back to say goodbye. It's the Bonfire.