The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Patrice Stories (feat. LeMaire Lee)

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

Philly comic LeMaire Lee asks if Patrice O'Neal was a good man and the guys have answers.

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. Ocarson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM. For full episodes of the Bonfire you can listen on... What is the SXM? Yeah, Series XM. You can say Series XM. Thank you very much. For full episodes of the Bonfire you can listen on the SMX app. No, say series XM. Serious XM! You can listen on the serious XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash bonfire for a special offer. And now, the bonfire with Big J. Olkerson and Robert Kelly.

The nigga called for me. Because dick don't run me, I run dick. Hey, yo. Use a bitch Good edit lose there's no N words in this one. I feel like that was good Well that was I was gonna leave that part out. I did but she edited it also I mean her second word with the end work. Huh? She her second word in was a N word. Why didn't feel like I heard it in the

chorus. Hard end. Oh turn it up again, Lil. My pussy is the most expensive meal you ever eat. Look at that. I'm fucked. You damn Jacob. Fuck Christine. I want to jerk off'm fucked you damn Jacob. Fuck Christine, I want to jerk off to you. Hell yeah. Jacob Megan is telling you what fucking swallow you with her ass dude. You'd be crushed. This is a good song. It's great song.

You know it's a greater song? Boom! Bang! Boom! Bang! Come on baby! It's the last live show of the week that I have to do this. This is officially the end of the bet.

This is the end of the bet. But smile, baby. Come on. Here we go. You'll like this song. You're from Philly. To work at you. Come on, mother.

Everybody, come on, everybody. Sing it. We'll be healthy out. Everybody. Seven, B, Six, Alphia. Everybody. 76s. Five and two. Everybody. Four and five. Look at the Alphia.

Everybody. Four and five. Look at the Alphia. Go fuck the sixs. We're hanging. You. You. You.

You. You. You. Go fuck the sixs. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. Go fuck the sixes Go fuck the sixes

One two three go fuck the sixes Really? Fuck fuck fuck the sixes This is it Go fuck the sixes Go fuck the sixes go fuck the sixes Jay what the heck I lost dude. That's the sixers fall. No, I know dude I lost dude, that's the sixers fall. No, I know dude. God damn it. God damn sixers fall. Everybody is the bonfire Faction talk series XM 103. I'm big joker sin your favorite mummer Mom in a way as they goes by that's robber Kelly Full crew

Yikes sitting in studio with us everybody one of my favorite filly funny boys everyone You can check out his podcast panties in the mouth And you can catch them live at the comedy scene in Foxboro in June 23rd. It's hilarious. Lamarely. What's up? Thank you Yeah, my pussy is the most expensive meal you ever You write that down, Bobby. You write down those lyrics. I'm actually writing my own new lyrics.

To the song? Yeah, to that song. Is it gonna be a fuck the six-year song also? I'm cleaning it up a little bit. Make it a little more. Are you putting in your calendar? Jay has officially paid up his bet. Did you actually care about basketball, Bobby?

Well, you're saying that because I'm right? Because you don't have to care. Wild. Could you know, because you know, John Morant was and still kind of don't. I'm a rant. He's a basketball player on one team. He was on the, uh, the fucking Seattle sea hawks. But there he goes.

No, he was on, um, Stamink is. Nope. I've heard just said it to you. You still don't even remember that. That's the guy who had the gun. Yes. The gun. You haven't even seen the second gun yet. The second gun video. We haven't gotten to that. I want to go said it to you. You still don't even remember that's the guy who had the gun. Yes, the guns. You haven't even seen the second gun yet The second gun video. We haven't gotten to that. I want to go to the second gun. This first gun was look fun

Well before we jump to guns. Yeah, let me tell you a positive black people story me and Jacob went to the looks cinemas yesterday the new theater in my neighborhood and It's a real experience it was a table service food but i can't speak for jacob me and jacob had a nice class of red wine together

we had a nice cabernet gay uh... we got it was great i got a nice uh... coach zero was christian on what side of jacob i i said between us i said it was organically but, it was probably for the best. But they both did go to the bathroom.

Mm. So at separate times, but I feel like maybe Jacob went and pounded a load onto the seat and then Christine went and wiped it on her tits. They're getting it in somehow. She, she came in and smelled like spring. They're pretzel bites overcooked, and they only give you mustard no cheese. No cheese.

They're nachos, not bad in the jalapenos were great. The sauce was great, and the cheese was pretty good. However, insanely small portion of each one of those three things. So what you have is about, and I'm not exaggerating, five or six nachos, and then you can just eat tortilla chips. Because the stuff was, I mean, they were little ramekins this big. When we go, when I take Max to the movies, I stuff him like a scarecrow with food. To bring in. Yeah. That's a good idea. Stuff him in. E-clares. Yeah.

I don't think I'm him to a French baker. I'll tell you this, the guy that was sitting next to Christine on the other side probably rocked about seven beers during the movie. He was going. Yeah. Those people, those waiters were coming in. And it was always for him with two beers at a time. Really?

Dropping them on us and he was crushing them. I always buy an extra seat, so people don't sit next to us. I would have done that. I would have done that. I would have done the, I buy an extra seat. So people don't sit next to us. I buy the row and then I buy the extra seat because I don't want anybody sit next to my family members. Or me. I'm with you. Yeah. I would do the same, actually I don't do that,

but I will start doing that, but I do tend to, I try to leave it where there would be a seat, but this was the closest we could be, I'm sorry, is the furthest back we could be without being on top of a lot of people, the back of it all kind of sold out already. I buy the handicaps, the handicaps it's too. Like if you have the,

just that retarded. Did two, I just limp it. Duh, table service. Max, when you're going to spit out a bunch of skittles. Do you have safety forks for this food? We got the, I got Jacob the roasted red pepper hummus. Was it the life? It was good.

And I got him a veggie tray. They have hummus at the moment. Right there, buddy. Where? I feel a little uncomfortable because I was crunching loud. Don't know what I heard. I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it.

I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it. All right, then it all worked. Yeah, that's a snack that's only loud in your head. Yeah. It's like chips. Chips aren't really loud. The bag's loud. The bag's the worst. It's a phato alarm.

It is. It's a phato. Yeah, go check it out. It's on luicygate.com. It's called Killbox. We got the pretzel bites. And I tell you what it says, cheese sauce, yellow cheese sauce and honey mustard, but on the actual menu in the place,

yeah, you have to order on your phone. When I did that, it came at, there everything bagel pretzel bites, which sounds like it's gonna be better, but only mustard and they were also like, that's stale's wrong with, they were like, just dry undercooked. How is it a bagel and a pretzel?

Just the everything seasoning on a pretzel. A bagel is a pretzel. No. Cook the same exact way. They probably they're probably they're in the same family. I'll give you that. Then a donut would be a pretzel too. No, a donut is fried. A bagel is cooked in water and then baked. No, bagel could be fried for sure. That's a fact. That's a Bob Kelly fact. Look it up. Oh, shit. Look it up.

I got it, dear. Look it up. Just shit. Look it up. Oh, look it up. But I will say the food there was, although we have to get into, they have like burgers and quesadillas and mac and cheese and all kinds of like chicken fingers, breadless chicken fingers. Yeah. Pretty cool.

But. He knows he has to hold my hand during the show. That's a whole show. That's a whole show. I told him I warned him. I'm comfortable, dude. He said he wouldn't have it any other way. Oh, great. Jacob and me.

You seem comfortable. You seem shake. He's fine. It's because he likes to be the under guy. Oh, sorry. I apologize. There you go. I always comfortable.

He's the ball. He's been getting a make the guy hold his arm up like this the whole time. He's a torture. Um, this guy's making bagels. New York style. And what do you do? You boil them. I kind of hate that. I got water. What's that? What is that boiling water? Bingo? It's an alkaline bath while water actually water is actually alkaline. You have to put triple A batteries in the water Yeah, no, listen, I by the way, I still don't know I remember saying like you want to get your body alkaline

They say and you won't get COVID. I don't know what that means at all, but I know some smart water bottles say it. Yeah. No, no. They can't mean the same thing as batteries. No, they can't be. That's a huge scale. It goes from the sit-up to the fuck up.

No idea what you're talking about. We had to learn about it in beauty school. Yeah, there are cheers of a giant. No, they're pussy's go nuts. They get an alkaline. If I wouldn't be judged, I would have been able to get an acolyte. What if I would be judged? I would be judged. If I wouldn't be judged, I would throw this whole child

just seeing right now. Jay, I'm telling you, pussy's like pools. You have to know your peach scale. I ate a lot of yogurt. Oh, is that the problem? Because you're a pussy. So you understand how bagels are made because of your pussy? You ever go down to a vagina and it

looks like Shorod's mouth. I'm so weird. We don't like it. White mouth. I'm so weird on my white. White corners. Yeah, just the white. Girls who eat hot cheetos have the worst smelling pussy. Is that true?

What if it's a correlation? I don't think I've ever gone down on a girl though and smell the remnants of an asparagus piss, but that would suck. My pee smell. I don't need a spare because I can't stand my pee. As soon as I eat it, I piss and it smells disgusting. I'm intrigued by the smell. I don't, but I really don't like it.

I'm like, man, if there was like, like I wouldn't want Christina smell my asparagus piss, it's a lot. Let's you love asparagus, then you'd be like, it doesn't smell like asparagus. What does it smell like? I don't know. I think it's asparagus. It's kind of medley, right? smell like aparagus. What does it smell like I don't know? I think it's aparagus it's kind of medley right there's a little metal in this. It's crazy, but it's always the same Yeah, women's piss always smells Odie

Like oats like you like a like a like an animal. Oh like a substantial morning lot cereal Yeah, like cereal milk. It smells like cereal. I thought you were talking about the dog from Garfield. Oh, you Odie. And I was Odie. Good pull. Me and Jacob last night. I didn't see the movie.

So I don't want to spoil her. I won't spoil her alert. I'm going tomorrow night with Max and Dawn if he doesn't fuck up today or tomorrow. Good luck. I mean, dude, I fucked up today with it. It's the first of the month. Best day to go rob people. He actually yelled out today for lying, but he wasn't lying. He was down the truth.

So I had to call him up and apologize. Yeah, dad, you are a pussy. Son, I just checked, double checked. I am. I feel like a pussy for a pal. Should I not have a paw? I feel like I- You're always right, you're the dad.

Should I suppose to do that? Change 100% of your own beliefs to support the mistake you made. Never let him see that weakness in you. That's what my parents did. Just shift everything in your life to go behind that law you told. Well, I think that's a good dad move though. Well, I was really hyped because he got in trouble last week and he lied.

I don't care if you get into trouble, just don't lie. And then we had this whole thing and I took some stuff away and we had a consequence. So I was all week, I'm like, well, how was school? It was good, it was good today. I was like, how was school? It was good, but I got sent to the office. I'm like, what the fuck?

And I just lost it. I'm like, why did you get you know school to the office? He goes, my phone fell out of my pocket. you know, I go you're not supposed to have your phone And then I found out that he had his phone because he was taking the bus home today because of a saxophone let whatever it was right Um, and then it just fell out and the teacher overreacted and she fucked up sent them to the office the office sent them back and Said he has to have his blah blah blah. I think it's a what he gets into the office He's like why the fuck did you get sent to the office sent them back and said he has to have his blah blah blah. I think it's a way to get sent to the office. He's like, why the fuck did you get sent to the office?

They were giving me a commendation for being the most improved student of the year. I am really proud of him. But then he started getting sad, mad, or whatever, and Don started yelling at him. Like, you can't look at it and then I was like, Don. You two fucking townies yelling at him. You two Boston townies, is he on him? Yeah. Why do you want to grow up and ride the rails? Like your fucking Uncle Jackie Cox sucker? I fucking town easy on him Well, you want to grow up and ride the rails like you fucking Uncle Jackie Cox sucker

So I had a call don't I'm not gonna lose you to these streets So I called daughter go hey stop she's like what I go stop stop don't say anything just take him to Jiu-Jitsu I fucked up I fucked up I go it's my fault I overreacted and I said put him on the phone and I was like max You dad you dad made a mistake and he goes yeah, you did make it I go chill the fuck out Because now you turn that shit You can't you know I'm coming hat hat and hand kid. You're gonna accept Blindly you're gonna as be so happy that you have my love again. I know I so I said I'm sorry. Yeah, you did mess up It did make me back again. Yeah, I tell you when you're wrong. I'll say when I'm wrong. You don't tell me when I'm wrong I had to pull back I had to bite my lip because I was right on the corner too right before I came over here and I was like listen

You're I go I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologize. You're right. Just go to Jiu-Jitsu You're cool. We'll talk about it, but I want to let you know when I make a mistake. I admit it right away if I do okay Go to Jiu Jitsu, the mom's not mad. If Papa made a little mistake, I'll go to him, sorry. I come to you humbly. Please forgive me, my little boy. I'll go to Allen on Tuesday.

I see myself in your eyes. Everything. So, but we worked it out, so he's a fine guy. No, it's great. Yeah, I felt the gunner apologize. I felt terrible. You have to apologize a bunch when they get older. What do you mean?

I have a whole fucking several long car rides with Isabella going like, yeah, man, that was me, all right. Yeah, I did never clear that up. Okay, yeah, I was me, all right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I did never clear that up. Did I? Okay, yeah. I was pretty shitty. I'm sorry. At least I have a boy though.

I couldn't imagine having a girl having a deal with that. What do you think she's saying to me? Like dad, you snuck in my room every night. I guess, yeah. Yeah. And hindsight, that wasn't cool. You know, looking back on that, that's not cool at all. Yeah. I should have slept with pants

Boy he is he is everything you want to be make his life better than yours Your dad didn't love you, but you can love him twice as much Kindness show him there's a better way. Just teach them how to shake hands. Show them what a salad fork is. Throw up the things that are at that. Has to do. Build a Camaro. Don't over eat. Don't get your bagels alkaline. I'm going to see with the two. So yeah, there you go. So I'm taking them tomorrow night to Alamo, which I love.

That's my favorite. Alamo's the best. Right. Alamo's the sweetest. Yeah, because you can rap people out who talk. Yeah. They have a little piece of paper and you can put when the paper's up, if someone's yapping or talking or on their phone, you can rat them out and

rat it on the paper and they go kick them the fuck out. I love that so much. Yeah. That would alleviate most of my discomfort in a movie theater ever. What do I do about these loud blacks? Don't write that because it's the black guy. They don't do that. Okay.

And it's not going to go good. It's going to read that. I'm looking at a black guy's going to read things. He goes, guys, loud blacks, two rows back. He's going to look at me and I'm going to go good. It's going to read that. I'm going to look at him. He's a black guy. It's going to read things. He goes, guys, loud blacks, two rows back. He's going to look at me and I'm going to still go. Yeah. You hear it, right?

You heard it, right? The tender draft outfit into Survivor, the game show. What do you mean? Like, you vote people out. Yeah. No, no. 100%. It's my favorite theater you go to.

Well, me and Jacob, I actually write love notes to the guy to the cute you doing well I leave my number You was hailing me a shit question is that jam because I don't remember jelly shaking like that Jacob had nice cabernet some vegetables hummus cabernet We had a cabernet we cheers several times Now the credits come. This is a Marvel movie, so there's going to be usually two.

There's a mid-credits scene and then like the very, very, anyone. Without ruining either of them, let me tell you, just go home in the movies over. Look at these on YouTube. There's nothing there's no reason to be there for this. Really? But it takes long. And the first one comes up pretty quick and it was, I thought the middle one was okay.

The middle one was okay because it was for sure. The, it's like, yes, that's the one where you, they could have just dropped it on that. The one, but that's early on. How many are there? Two. Two. Okay. That almost even moves the story forward a little bit. The first break one. Then you have to wait for, Jacob called it correctly for these poor black people that were in there. Not just seven bazillion Indian and Asian names of the people and different cities. When you say poor, do you mind financially or do you mean? No, no, no. Okay. No, I mean poor like I feel like I feel sympathy for that. Okay. Cool. Because not only did it sit through that, but whatever the budget is for licensing music

over at Guardians of the Galaxy, particularly those movies, I mean, they get, and they want to use it all. Yeah. They want to use it. So the movie ends on a song. It plays up into the first scene. Then that song, I believe, comes back on.

Then starts the next song that you start here in a Bruce Springsteen riff, you're like, we're here, we ain't going anywhere to badlands. What a fucking shit, I hate fucking Bruce Springsteen. I hate him too. And by the way, that's it, I think there's four or five songs I like a lot. And he's not even American, he's not even really like America. That stupid song that you bought on the USA, is it?

It's anti-America. It's anti-America. I know, but also this, he's from, I mean, this has been spreading out on Stirr and Years ago, I heard it, and me and Jacob all the time. He talks like he's from Middle America, whatever. It's a half hour from New York City,

where he's from, he's not from far. That is. But Tots talk like people from Freehold New Jersey. My dad's Israeli accent is more authentic, Freehold New Jersey. I got Jacob Cackle at heart and the theater says, look over and I start doing my Bruce Springstay stuff. I was like, I like a man who does an honest day's work.

And a baseball hat that's never had a flat brim. If you make a mistake apologize to your son, don't let him go through his life like that. All the holes in my jeans are man-made from doing things masculine. and the suffer through this song and endless credits because because we think there's a gigantic payoff coming at the very end of the movie so the very end of the movie payoff is and I mean this and I'm not spoiler alert it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's know he didn't die. I thought he, but I thought he might die in this one. He's not a don't ever touch me. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry, you just get it. The reason they put that is because it's supposed to be the last Guardians movie.

Okay. So, yeah. They're all done playing these roles so they so he doesn't die No, no spoiler. There's no Kind of a spoiler. That's a huge spoiler Okay, Bobby wait, okay, Bobby sit till the end. You're gonna see something amazing We don't leave hang on a second don't Hey, why don't you why don't you imagine what are another flatbread pizza because you're going to be there for a while. How do you feel about badlands from the back? If Bob, he made, J and I might have undersold it.

It might be epic. Where do you see the end of this? Yeah, don't take my word for it. But what's funny was, see for yourself. As soon as that, it's the badlands ends naturally and then it just goes to the scene that's five seconds and it goes Star Lord will return and then into the light just came on and he's here's black guy behind us go and Stand up and walked across the aisle leaving he goes man with the bull shit He goes come on with the bull shit did he walk down he walked that left everybody was with him behind

He had to come back into the theater because they didn't leave his face as him. He was really bad because we just sit to a Fucking Bruce Springsteen bull shit new Jersey open Watching a screen of names not even be able to tap cuz you know I know how the song goes at least So I'm like it's almost wrapping up. They were blind to it a screen of names not even be able to tap because you know I know how the song goes at least so I'm like it's almost wrapping up they were blind to it. Oh is this another xylophone saxophone solo part? Last time credit was so bad when I said he made it all worth it. Come on with the bull shit. D.J. Luke can't laugh because he would be like rewind the song and started over I love Bruce. No way you like Bruce. I love Bruce. Oh God

Bruce brings to you. I hear Never seen him you guys are not from Jersey. You don't understand. I lived in Jersey many years You guys have it you're closer to Philly. It's not the same. No, I lived in Jersey. Yeah, but that's Philly Oh, South Jersey. Jersey is better heroes than Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, a lot of better musicians. Bon Jovi. Yeah, Frank Sinatra. Bon Jovi. Frank Sinatra. Joe Bon Jovi has another southern accent as well and is 20 minutes closer to the city. Joe Bon Jovi is a hand job. We're not talking about Joe. No, I don't mean him. I mean, like Tico Torres. What the fuck did you just say? Tico Torres is on talent. What the fuck is happening?

Wow dude, this is all because you love fucking Bruce Spring. Bruce Spring. Bruce Spring. Bruce Spring. Ugh. Dude, Fanny Walsh better than Bruce Stakes. Fanny Walsh better than Bruce Spring. How does a New Jersey that's?

Yeah, Tira was away from me. Tretch. I'd rather Tretch. I do PM Dog. PM Dog's better than Bruce Spring. Yeah. Noughty by nature. Tienek, New Jersey.

Grew up right down the block. Two blocks, the fact. We'll take two blocks from you. He grew up two blocks from you. Yeah, T-neck. So if I ask you, it goes, hey, do you guys remember two bald twins whose dad would bring them to school in a fucking car full of records?

I'd say he hung out with us, like, two of them, two of them, two of them. Oh, DJ Liu, I remember them all fucking, you're like Pearl Jam. He's got a great ass right at the moment the bubble ass. You wish you knew trest dude Not even nature's right down the street. They're not I watched him bowl with salt and pepper Get the fuck out. What's my bowling alley? You're high. I'll tell you what fresh prince was at my bowling alley all the time Fresh prince was it you're bowling alley really yeah, my dad moved to Detroit from like PA and like Lancaster pens away and when we were out there

He was playing street basketball. He would tell everybody like you like you simply basketball We'll Smith It's like a Lankister What? Will Smith used to go out to Amish country? What do you get Apple butter? What fuck was he out there for? No electricity just love of the game.

I like wooden buttons. Play basketball. Playing basketball with Kobe Bryant sounds like a lie, for sure. Yeah, who did you do? You can get away with that though. Oh, you did it. I did, yeah, that's a very, I mean, it was, I only remember like one or two times I'm ever coming by.

I just remember that first time so much because I've never in this Jewish community center seen people dunk And you know, Philly enough that I was a city line avenue and have her for that. It's a Jewish community center there. That's right next to the lower American That area and he used to go and I remember a kid with what do you call it like the friendship bracelet necklace? Yeah, like one of those, you know, like a lacrosse hat on and he was like, you know, that is. And I was like, no, he goes, it's jelly bean Joe Bryant son. And I went, I mean, nothing to me. He's like, oh, he's going, he goes to lower Marion now or something, and him and his friend Rory were like just dunking on these baskets. No one knew what the fuck

was going on. We couldn't believe they were, and they're a little younger, though, say about like 13 or 14. Just throwing it off the back back back board just dunking. Yeah, definitely they kept trying to do a one I think it was actually Kobe right which had a bounce in between his legs to the other guy to like Yeah, like an alley you like off the floor. I'm trying to do it I think they whatever it was I don't even know how many times they successfully dunked other than they dunked and they were grabbing rim a lot Everyone the rest was just like yeah, because they weren't like miles leaps and buff taller than everybody. It was pretty nuts, dude.

It was pretty crazy. I just watched that that Michael Jordan, the night, the air, it was a good movie about how they came up with the English shoes. Is there a person playing Michael Jordan in it? No, they don't show them ever. They don't show them ever. It's made his family, right?

They show his mom and dad. They show the back of them. They never show them, which I think is great, because once you see them, you're out, you're looking at him. They want to watch that, yeah. They just show his mom. But the fact that Adidas was just a Nazi, like the guy who's in the Hamlet,

hit the youth. Really? Yeah, dude. They weren't Nazis, no, they were like, no, he was, yeah, but he was salad. He goes, yeah, if you want to go to Nureuremberg to get your shoes, guys, of the sales pitch. It's one of the funniest.

I love that story of a magic Johnson. Did you watch the Lakers show? Winning time. Winning time. You watched it too. That was one of the craziest things. He just wanted money so fast. They were like, Converse will give you like a million, like 1.3 million to sign with

Converse. And Nike just came out and they were like, look, we can give like a million, like 1.3 million to sign up a converse. And Nike just came out and they were like, look, we can give you like 60,000 bucks or whatever right now or something, or like 100,000 bucks, but we're gonna give you like 13%. It was like some crazy number of stock in it. It was like 13% stock and they just did the math

on the screen, like what he fully ever made from converse. And like he'd be, it was like $2.6 dollars. He'd be worth now if he took that first deal Jordan makes 400 million a year passively without touching ever. Yeah, without passive it without touching anything 400 million a year from just his shoes Well, he well, they gave him the deal was that he gave him 250,000 A red Mercedes and he his mother was like and we want some money on every shoe with his name on it. And it was the first time ever done. And the guy was like, fuck it, do it.

And the most they ever made on a sneaker was three million. And that year they made a $160 million on the Air Jordan. Do I love it Shaq and that Shaq documentary, which is also great. He just told me he goes, yeah, we were just like, steal the jump man thing,

just what I do. Because Shaq's thing is just like, you know, like the gorilla hanged on. And so it's like, that's his logo. And I think he just said that when he goes, he had to do a Jordan did just make it an outline of me doing what I do. Now, some nerd came up with the,

the air Jordan thing, the symbol of him on the back. That wasn't on the first one. That was on the second or whatever, it's their iteration of it. But the, I think the, his agent came on the first one. That was on the second or whatever. It's their iteration of it. But I think his agent came up with Air Jordan and they just stole it. The guy was like, yeah, just say you came up with it. And the agent was like, I came up with that.

He was like, no, you didn't, this guy came up with it and he just hung up on the agent. Yeah, it's pretty hard to claim that one. I feel like they showed Jordan in that movie. They would have made him seem like a motherfucker. Because like, his mom was the motherfucker. Yeah. His mom was the shit. Yeah. Yeah.

He had to go to the agent when the given, because Nike wasn't shit. Yeah. It was Adidas was the motherfucker in converse, Larry and magic had, Convert and Dr. J. Yeah. So they had. They'd be able into his father getting murdered for his gambling debts

He showed a little bit of that. Yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah I Thought I've heard that rumor before but I always thought it was just like probably a random thing But a lot of people that's a conspiracy that people are like pretty fathomable dude Like he fucks up with gambling Jordan and like his dad may have like because it's such a weird like Two people at a rest stop. Why would this other guy be there? It was like he was being followed and yeah, it's pretty weird Yeah, it's pretty weird so maybe it's pretty weird, but then you know hi Bill Cosby's kid got killed like very crazy under a situation Russell. No, that's his brother. I just found a bill

No, I's his brother. I just found a bill. No, uh, much mouth. Yeah. I have a bill Cosby book. I just found a bill Cosby little tiny paperback book. Read if you want to learn how to live. I'll bring it in. Dude, I'll bring it in. I haven't, I read it a long time ago, but I got it years ago before all the shit went down. Is it Bill Cosby's sleepiest concoction bar? God. Here's a whole special on Netflix. They didn't put out Bill Cosby. Did he? Yeah, he had one film before he went to jail And they pull no shit so as an old old man. It was like old stuff. It's him now. Yeah. Yeah Louis has a movie Somewhere limbo in limbo with fucking John Malkovich and and me and Rich Voss on a fucking boat. Are you in it? Yeah, he put us in it We're gonna meet that chick.

We're going to show out. But she's aging. We were paparazzi and they brought us into the trailer and they dressed us amazingly. Like, I've got all this wardrobe. I looked fucking great. And then they bring us into the van. I'm sitting in the van with that girl Cleo,

a Chloe Grace Moretz. Chloe. Yeah, that's it. And John Malk'm sitting in the van with that girl Cleo, a Chloe Grace Moritz. Chloe. Yeah, that's it. And John Malkovich is in the front and one of the other stars in the back. And it's me in the van. And I'm, I'm smiling ear to ear. John turns around Hollywood Bob. John turns around. How you doing? I'm John. I was like, I know who you are. So nice to meet you. And then I hear knock on the window. Yeah, Robert, Louis want, doesn't like what you're wearing. He wants you guys to look really shitty. You guys are shitty paparazzi. So then we had to go back and they were like, come on.

I'm like, okay, and they took me out of the van with John. And then you were like, anyway, John, he goes, I don't care anymore. They dressed as like assholes, like grubby little paparazzi's and they put us on a boat. Louis was on a huge yacht with all the cameras. They were on like a 50 gazillion dollar yacht for the movie and we were on this little shitty boat and in the middle of the long island sound smoking hot I actually wrapped these pants around my head.

And Lou was like, no, I like it. You be on first. No, I would have, dude. Do you even want to survive? Vos almost lost his arm. We started arguing. We started arguing. He said something.

He has respect issues. He's like, don't fucking tell me what's what. And his arm was over the side. And the guy on our boat was just listening to the walkie-talkie and he just started moving the boat and he literally bumped into the other boat and it Vos's arm was over the side. For the engine.

And no, his arm was in between two boats. And the guy wasn't paying attention in Vos's way. Ow! And he ripped his arm out and it just had all black on it from the bumpers of the boat. I was hollow though. Oh! I thought, if Vos lost his arm out and it just had all black on it from the bumpers of the bone. I was I was hollow though Oh, I thought if boss loves is on my arm off on the thing My friends are getting hurt weird moving. I know

By the way, I love that the gear your crew are like guys you were with like start with in New York Yeah, they're all dying Not only are they all dying, but they all are hilarious up until the day they die, are still involved in like, real like, like, Voss, I mean, Voss and, if there's anything that we're like, can go back in time to and watch in the world. It was, oh, and a, I guess, at a TV pilot.

Yeah. And one of the things was, I believe for Voss and Keith to wear bubble wrap around their bodies and box and Keith was like getting the best of like throwing the punches. I was there. I was there. Please. I hope this isn't a let down.

I'm sorry because I've always believed it would be one of the funniest things I've ever heard. It was blindfold boxing. So they both had to be blindfolded. So nothing to do with bubble wrap. There's no bubble wrap, but they had big, big extra big gloves on and they, you know, they were had to be blindfolded so nothing to do with bubble wrap. There's no bubble wrap But they had big big extra big gloves on and they you know, they were supposed to not not not that big But big enough where it wasn't like I heard each other bad and Keith was really swinging because he's from Philly and he's just a piece of shit a comedy express. Yeah comedy express

So he lived by a code dude. Yeah, if you could get the video it's so funny Voss picked his blindfold up and then suck a punch Keith oh And then Keith came at him and Voss threw a fucking kick a karate kick But his knee didn't like he threw it But his knee didn't like he picked it up, but it didn't bend all the way and he just kicked in the back Now Keith is blindfolded. He's turned the other way. Voss picked his eye thing up, kicked Keith in the back, Keith took his thing off and grabbed

boss and threw him on the ground and started they just started wrestling. They're being separate. They're being set two 50-year-old men are being separated. They were heated for a minute. They had to break them up dude. We were fucking laughing so hard. His boss is a little rat, little sneak monkey rat. Like that. That when when Norton brought a girl, Norton brought a girl to the cell at the one time.

And he just started. I'm sorry, what did you say? Norton brought a girl. I logical girl and the cell are working on it. Thank you. Thank you. Session of. Thank you for throwing that.

Session of your female. She went and she was right when he started doing, oh, and hey, and anybody was also still touring with dice a bunch. And it was just patrisa at the table, just kept doing dice ordering, Norton around. Until Norton came over and he was like,

dude, it's fucking enough. Like a girl, like, like, see, like, get real for a second was so interesting for me to watch. But dude, I mean, dominating the entire, get real for a second. It was so interesting for me to watch, but dude, I mean, dominating the entire restaurant, of which 80% of the people there are there to eat. Yeah. Minotoranian food.

Yeah. And Patrice is going to full thing, he goes, hey, Norton, pick up my socks and bring the car around. Oh, let's go to the mall. I'll buy you something nice And he was the nor just kind of like okay, and then he eventually came over and he was like look at the fuck off Dude, I'm just made him go worse But it was so funny seeing like again because that's like you guys were such my insight to Adults are an adults as what me as well. Do you know what I mean? But you know I'm saying you're like you're like well these guys are like the adults like this is what I'm me as well. Do you know what I mean? Like, with you up saying, you're like, well, these guys are like the adults.

Like, this is what I'm eventually going to be in, you know, 10 years, whatever. I'm going to be these guys. Like, let me see how mature I get. And you're like, oh, they're still trying to fight you. They're in the streets. And this one's going to go to rehab. And someone's got a coke problem again. And whenever you're like, oh, we're not adults.

That's real friendship, though. It's like, I don't know about tattoos. I don't know about that.. I don't know about that. Two guys stuck a bunch of these other. We have lost thought at the seller one night. Physical. Well, yeah, we got to it. He said something to me.

He was being a dick. He's being lost, you know, treating it like shit. And I finally took a cigarette that's when he smoked and I threw them down in front. I just threw them across the restaurant in the floor and he flipped the table. He flipped the table but it was all wings and the sauce went all over me and the and the and the blue cheese dressing wow dude I was heated and we got nose to nose and I was like what the fuck you got sauce on me. I was like, what the fuck? You got sauce on me. He was like, you fucking throw my cigarette. And then we realized that we were just gonna fucking fight. We just

started laughing. We're gonna fight. What do we do? And this is stupid. I have wings sauce all over me. Dude, that was me and Lewis. Me and Lewis on, we were just going, it was brewing on this cruise ship. And whatever it was, we all went, we all decided to go to like dinner one night, one of the restaurants on there. And we're just sitting at the table and like, I, whoever it was, me or Lewis,

one of us just had something like passive aggressive about it. And then the other one was like, what's up dude? Did I go, I don't know, you tell me what's up? And Lewis was like, you wanna go talk about it outside? I go, yeah, let's go talk about it outside. And almost before we, once we were going up the steps to even get outside, we both sort of looked each other, I go, everyone's pretty certain we're going outside

in the fist fight right now. I think we're going to really let them down. We just got there where it's like, we started laughing right then almost going like, dude, like what's the point? We just bolsted and came back in. But like, it was funny. Like, I don't, neither was I saying the fight

just looked so much like, like, you know, these two But get ready to go outside and fight and we realized as we came together in that walk we were like They think everyone really is because the glad they also I think pointing out like no one's trying to stop us from going outside But they're all sure we're going to fist fight. No one has done a thing. They're like these guys probably need to knock around a little bit They wanted to see the C-B. They want to see the bro. But we have we've we've Yeah, I'm hurt so much.

And we have naughty. We're again, so much stuff. That's our job. I know I know I know, but say we have so much that we want to get to there. Well, you can ask a question for you. Get to that. This is this is for me being a long term comedy guy. What's Patrice a good guy?

He's dead. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Not good enough that God didn't take him early. Yeah. I find good. Yeah, I don't know. What's Patrice a good guy?

Like, I mean, like, because the things I hear, you know, from the stories and stuff and all that, it's like, he's a good friend, like, you know. No, he was a terrible friend. He wasn't, yeah, dude, he, no, he was, of course, I love Patrice, but he's a good friend. Like, you know, no, he was a terrible friend. He wasn't, yeah, dude, he, uh, no, he was, of course, I love it. But he was terrible. That might be a good, that might be a good answer though. He was a good friend.

Maybe that a good, I think he was overall. He was, he was a, he was like, he was a prick. Like, he would be a shitty to people. If he didn't give a fuck or didn't think he was, you know, he would tell you. He would shake you out of shit though. If you got serious with him, he'd be like shitty to people. If he didn't give a fuck or didn't think you were, he was, you know, he would tell you. He would shake you out of shit though. If you got serious with him, he'd be like, Bobby, stop it. Yeah.

Stop, what do you fuck, what's wrong with you? Yeah. Yeah, but he annoyed the fuck. I mean, I tell you, we were coming out from one of those ONA gigs, and this was when he was really shitty diabetic. And we had to stop every 15 minutes from to piss. And then we stopped at a gas station from to piss again,

and he came out with a you who in a honeybun. I'm like, we're never gonna make it home, bro. And I slept with both your feet. I slapped it on his hand. I slapped both the bottom. And he was still holding the honeybun and help me. Help me help myself. We live with Will.

And then he used to go out. I told you this, Al Dau Benn used to live in the house with him. He was a comic from Boston. Yeah, and he would go into Al's room every morning and be like, hey, what's up, Al? And Al would be like, what's up? He goes, yeah, Al, you don't got it. He'd be like, what?

You don't got to do it. You should quit. You should get out of the business. You don't got it. Find something else to do now, dude. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah, he's like, dude, really? I know you think I'm kidding, you don't have it. Like, you're, I know you get laughs,

but you're not gonna make it. You don't got what it takes for this business. And then I would be like, okay, I'd be like, okay, dude, I'm just letting you know, I'll let you know every day. That video of him telling Harrison Greenbombie's gay was one of the funniest things. Where's that?

It was like the comic strips audition things they used to do, whatever they called it. Were you sitting there and like judge the new comics? Yeah. And yeah, it was one of those Harrison Green Mount. He just keeps informing him that he's gay. And he goes, yeah, no, I know. I get why you say I have a lot of that stuff in my bit.

I might act I talk about it. But I'm not. He's like, no, you might not even know yourself yet. He's like, I promise you, you are. In fact, a gay man. Yeah. He's kept doing it. It was so funny. Who's the worst? It's a good way to say that. I promise you you are in fact a gay a gay man. Yeah. He's kept doing till it was so funny. Who's the worst? It's a good way to say that's like again. I

I really do because he's done did some things for me also my career that were like unbelievably like important and like and helpful and timely helpful and very thoughtful but he's not over warmth. He lacked warmth. That's what he did. If I was gonna say some negative about him for real it's like he wasn't very warm but he was in it. I mean he's unbelievable. I mean I had a what he did. If I was gonna say some negative about him for real, it's like, he wasn't very warm, but he was in, I mean, he's unbelievable. I mean, I had a couple moments with him. I was with him. Sure, no me too, but I said just generally speak to him.

I was with him one time when he cried. Oh, I've never seen that. Yeah, dude, we were in L.A. And I told the set of the funeral. We were in L.A. and he was staying at my house, sleeping on the floor. And we were in LA and he was staying at my house sleeping on the floor and We were in this competition that you went to the comedy store audition and then you got passed and I drove him I picked him up the airport. I drove him to the competition. We both I passed the first night

He passed we went back I Didn't pass I got fucking douche and then he was going to the next round and he was like yo, you're gonna give me a ride I'm like dude. I'm not fucking going. Now, I fucking just got rejected. You think I'm gonna show up, drop you off. Like I'm your limo and he's like, yeah, bitch, you're my friend, that's what you do. So I was like, okay, that makes sense.

You know what I mean? So I had to drive him to the comedy store and then I had to go pick him up. He called me because he all come pick me up. I go, okay, I live in Venice. He dropped off and we had to go pick him up. He called me, he'll come pick me up. I go, okay, I live in Venice. He dropped off and we get to go back again. I had to go back when he was done and then he actually got it and he had to film it and the sound was off.

They were filming it so the sound was good in the truck, but the sound was not good on stage. And he was like, like everybody was bombing. Everybody was bombing because the sound sucked for them. Yeah. And he was like, you need to bring the, we need monitors. We need to hear it. The, you know, it's good. It's good in the truck for the recording. It's going to be fine. He's like, I don't give a fuck. I can't be funny unless this is a comedy room. Unless I can, and, and they will sound. It's that you can hear clearly that I'm not doing well on the truck

It's all you're hearing and they were like we can sweeten it. He was like fuck that and then they were pushing back on him But they were gonna fire him and I remember he was in my living room with talking to his manager And he was like he was like I can't do it if they're gonna fire me They're gonna have to fire me and they hung up the phone and he was just sitting there He's like Bobby. I don't want to have to do this man I know I'm supposed to play the game But I can't and he started tearing up. He's like these motherfuckers want to break me And I can't do it. I can't I'm gonna fucking lose another opportunity

because of these motherfuckers who don't know how funny works. I am an expert and he started crying. And I was like, fuck, and they wound up cause he stuck to his guns. They changed everything and they changed the sound and everybody killed on the next taping of it. And it was because of him. And he almost lost his, he almost lost the gig.

Cause yeah, so yeah, it was weird to see him cry. Yeah, that would be a strange thing to see but I mean like he had to have moments I said he was also like I saw him cry one time too at one of the dinners They were out of red velvet cake Fucking teared the fuck up that he fell a piece Oh Oh, oh, yeah, dude. This is though. This is what a piece of shit. He really is He just told it's in their moment

This is really what a piece. Why don't he was angry? And then he I kind of came in his Becoming angry phase. Yeah, and then he was angry and then he died on his came in his becoming angry phase. Yeah. And then he was angry. And then he died on his like starting to see like the light. Dude, just be nice like to it's like you can't make the intro. It's almost like with Lewis. I say something sometimes he goes, I know you're kidding, dude,

but you can't walk into a reception in a place and be like, Holy shit. Look at this one's body. And you know, I mean, it's like this. Nothing does that exactly. We don't say, you have to like finesse a little bit before, and then they'll love, they'll get your thing and love you. But you're walking like, there's a man in charge in here, is it just YouTube bitches?

It's like, people he's never met. They're like, whoa. Which means was a genuine piece of shit though. He, Lewis I think is faking it. My 40th birthday party, which is a big one when you turn 40. My wife planned this huge event at the Village Underground, where she was gonna have circus, one of those burlesque dancers.

She was gonna have poker tables. This is, you know, they do this shit now. This is before any of that happened. They had a carnival vibe. They got everything. They were gonna have blackjack table have poker tables. This is, you know, they do this shit now. This is before any of that happened. They had a corner of all of us. They got everything. They were gonna have black jack table, poker table. They're gonna have all this big event and they were doing a roast of me,

a surprise party, all my friends, Norton, Keith, Voss, Patrice. Everybody's gonna be there. All the comics, it's a huge event she's planning for me. And Jorado dies, like the week before. She has to cancel everything. She does everything for this restaurant where it's just my friends and gnome and his family

and the seller people. We all go into this big surprise party at this restaurant and she's like, hey, we're gonna go out for the middle. But she's causing me up because you're a Bobby, what's up? I gotta let you know, man. You know, I just wanna let you know, because I don't like surprises. And I let you know, because Dawn is planning this big surprise

party for you on Saturday. We're all going to a restaurant. And I know I don't like surprises. I don't, I'm figuring you don't like them. And I just want to let you know that it's a surprise thing. And there was silence for a couple seconds, like 30 seconds and I went, I love surprises. I've always wanted a fucking surprise birthday party.

I fucking always wanted this I'm always wanted this So go go fucking can I know the heck shit I'm like he's like oh shit You like surprises? He goes do do me a favor You got to pretend

You got to pretend like you didn't know Cause Dawn's gonna be pissed to me So I went to the fucking party I come down I know I know everything I gotta come down the stairs Open it and come down. I know I know everything. I got to come down the stairs open Everybody's there and I'm like, oh my god. I look over Patrice and he's just giving me the thumbs up Fucking pieces shit If you were an actor Bob if you were an actor did you do when they tried to get you to go somewhere else?

Did you play a little like difficult because you got to play like? Why should we go right now? I was going down the let him convince you and you go I was going down the stairs with dawn I'm like why are we going down here? Why don't we I like I was doing all that shit we gonna upstairs and I had a job now You have a burden and no no the piece of shit because he's fucking you know, he's a genius He was like I he knows no things to okay, so genius. Joke or Syngenius. He goes, he knows, he knows. He knew, he knew as a party. And I was looking at him like, shit, the fuck up, man.

And but she was like, good job dude. You did a good job, she doesn't know. She didn't know until like, I think like a few years ago. You just told her by the way, my 40th, I didn't know about that. No, I said it somewhere. And because Nanda's listening to anything I do, and somebody wound up ratting me out. And I came up and she's like, you out and I came up she's like you fucking know

Yeah, it's a piece of shit sounds like he was trying to be a good bro. No who the fuck doesn't like a surprise party People don't like surprise. Oh what white guy do you know that doesn't like surprise that might that's a black thing That's not a white guy white people love surprise on my 30th birthday was a surprise party with a full band in the backyard and my little brother did the same thing on the car ride there oh because he figured out it likes prizes which I don't but at least let me fucking not have to act like I'm surprised all fucking yeah it's a burden but like the thing about acting if you're acting surprised I mean if you're actually surprised some people get mad when they're surprised buddy listen to me if I walked into that party and I was I it would have fucking it's what I wanted my whole life to take is upset that everyone who cares about you has come together

in a room to for you he's upset by that piece of shit named Patrice O'Neil who's not with us anymore and that's probably why God took him early because one of those fucking debacles that's probably one of those things right there. Maybe it was a you and honey buns. Yeah. It was, I fucking hated him for months. Months, I wouldn't talk to him. I was like, you're a piece of shit. Oh man.

That sucked. It was the best, you know what I mean? I never had, now I shall never throw it. You know that, I'll never, I'll never have that moment again. Like I'll never, I'm too old, I'm 52. What's the, 40's a big one? 40 what I mean I was fucking rocking. Things were good. 40 having the party. All my friends. I would have cried. You know I'm emotional. Yeah. I would have

fucking remembered that for the rest of my life. Piper emotional. Look at that. That makes me sad. That. So you know, all right. So you know, in a horror movie, you were not afraid to let people know how you were feeling. I told Bobby the sads in this one. Did you see it, are you? It's tough. Yeah, the sads are sad. I'm going with the kid and the wife and they both disconnected emotionally. Oh, I'm going to go to the kid and I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him.

I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him.

I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. I'm going to follow him. The whole Bobby the sads in this one. Did you see it already? It's tough. Yeah, the sads are sad. I'm going with the kid and the wife and they both are disconnected emotionally. They both, they don't cry it shit. They're so funny. They both have to behave well for you to take them

to the movies and then they're not going to enjoy as much as you anyway. No. We have to go sit there while you're fucking quiefe dead cries for two and a half hours. I'm so connected to my emotions. Stupid Alan opened me up like 13 years ago And you can't shut the gates once you open them Jay Bobby why we making Max sit through the entire rendition of badlands I heard about this part dude. You're gonna someone to sit down

You're gonna get teary you're gonna call me afterwards good And then I'm gonna go like this and I'm gonna go it's okay, Bob. You could let it on Christ Cuz I'm gonna know how to work my tongue with my new teeth Sometimes you just gotta let it out pal what sometimes you just gotta let it all I can't do one more time buddy I'm sorry. Sometimes. You have to that it

or it. I hope it gives you the wrong teeth. I hope that's so much. Wait a second. So if J's teeth are in this bad boon, that must mean that must mean

that must mean I hope it gives you vases all the team. You got monkey teeth. These are only temps though. It's okay. The real ones are coming in. Oh god. Can you do that? You should do that. You need to have monkey teeth? That's baller. Do you get some grill straight?

I can't wait to take my bat boy picture with my little nubbers. The diamonds. The little triangles. Yeah. Great. Is it your little brother that the story is about? Yeah.

It's the same brother. The whiskey barbecue story should take us to the house today. That's great. So we'll be right back. We're hanging out with Lamarie. Lamarie and me. Oh, don't show. Christine, Christine, if I woke up tomorrow, it was like I changed my mind. Would you be like, oh, thank God. I think I'd be happy. But I like your teeth. I actually like those teeth. She ain't

happy for me. Oh, it's like I like my wife's tits when one was bigger than the other. Christine, I'd still love your ass if you got like a BBL. I'd still love your tits if they were way bigger I'd still love them just to say You never said sweet right now. If that were you want to do for if you want to do that for yourself I would be totally supportive of those things. I love I was gonna say that about Christine's tits But I'm not gonna say but Jay those are the teeth she fell in love with yeah She fell in love with those corn huskers. Oh, Christine changed everything I fell in love with about her.

What? What? What? What? What? What? Hey, everybody. Thanks for listening.

That was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, the whole damn thing, go to seriousexm.com slashbomb fire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates coming to a city near you. I step down your crackle crackle, I stick. you