The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Pay It Forward w/Andy Haynes & Mike Cannon

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

"Beautiful Boys" is a podcast about careers, parenthood, marriage, and the chaotic state of the universe staring comedians Mike Cannon and Andy Haynes. They answer the hypothetical question "Which of your comic friends is secretly a murderer?" A conversation about gay rappers leads Andy to reveal that he once had to leave a steam room because there was sex happening in front of him. Bobby tells a story of when Jim Norton killed at a college gig and had to pull over to pleasure himself instead of getting food. Spring is in the air and so is the smell of semen because of the Bradford Pear Tree's delicate white flowers, which harbor compounds that are derivatives of ammonia, which produces the familiar, post-coital scent. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now, the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. I trust you guys took the acid we provided? It's Trippin' Tuesdays on the Bonfire. Bobby Kelly's back in the game. Yeah. He only does psychedelics. What's happening, man? Where's my sunglasses? Only psychotropics is all he gets in money.

I don't want Andy. No booze or coke. I don't want Andy to see me like this. Andy. Andy, don't look at me. Mike, you can look at me, man. I like looking at you. I like looking at you too, at me, man. I like looking at you. I like looking at you, too, you gorgeous little man.

Our guests have a new podcast called Beautiful Boys available wherever you listen to podcasts. It's the hilarious Andy Haynes and Mike Cannon joining us. What's up, you beautiful boys? What's up, buddy? Hey, how you guys doing? You guys may have the best promo pictures for any show in podcasting right now. They're at the turtlenecks. Yeah, we did it in JCPenney at the Jersey City Mall.

Did you return the shirts after you were done? No, I have it in my drawer. You have to keep those. Those are forever now. You never know when you need a costume, you know? It's true. A turtleneck, whenever you need a turtleneck. Yeah, you don't know.

You never know when your friend's gonna invite you to a weird party and tell you you can't dress normal. Hello, don't mention it. know you friends gonna invite you to a weird party and tell you can't dress normal Hello, don't mention it. I know shut up That's fantastic dude. It's the last time you unironically wore a turtleneck Maybe high school basketball. I was big into the Nick Lachey like high turtleneck sweaters Game day you had to dress up so I would wear those I always wanted to do the blazer with a turtleneck sweaters. Sure. Oh wow. On game day you had to dress up, so I would wear those. Turtleneck under the sweater. I always wanted to do the blazer with a turtleneck.

Yeah. But you guys have long necks, like thin. Like I can never wear a turtleneck because I just look like, it makes my head fatter. A little like fester. Yeah, I look like a little thumb coming out of. Stop it, I don't like when you say this about yourself. I can't.

I told you, I'm gonna get you What? John Bon Jovi blazer glory, Pocahontas necklace. I can't wear it? A Native American Indian. Yes you can, you say this about yourself? I told you, I'm gonna get you a Jon Bon Jovi blazer glory, Pocahontas necklace. I can't wear a Native American Indian. You can. You're pretty ethnically ambiguous. You have dysmorphia. I can't.

You can totally wear a Jon Bon Jovi blazer glory Pocahontas necklace. You look like the Native American from the Indian in the Cupboard movie. Let me tell you something right now. My high school yearbook photo, I am 100% Native American Indian. I have a Bolo tie on and a flannel and a curly mullet.

I look like I'm from the Navajo tribe. Do you have to complain about your land being taken? Yeah. This was our land, dude. I'm actually, I'm actually. This was my land, dude. I'm just trying to tell my dad, we have to get in the casino business.

No, we should not. We should sell pelts and jewelry by the side of the road. Come on, dad, dude. We should start the casino. Get in on some of that white wampum. Oh, the gay. What is it, the gay earring?

When did that start? Did you guys remember? I don't know, you might be too young. I think you guys, when I came up, the earrings, if you wore it in the left, you were gay, in don't know, you might be too young. I think you guys, when I came up, the earrings, if you wore it in the left, you were gay, in the right, you were straight. I think it was the other way around.

Was it the other way? Yeah, because I had my left ear pierced. Yeah, the left is cool, the right is. Right was gay. The right was gay. But I got it pierced while I was sucking a guy's dick. So. You never know.

Throws that jaw to the left. It was free at Claire's and you did that, so. That was a mistake we all made, too, was get the mall piercing. I thought you meant sucking a guy's dick. No. Because I made it. Well, it was a mistake for all of us.

We all made it. We all made it in a garage with your friends, trying to figure out who's going to be in the band and not. Man, I really... If there was any thought that Kanye West was going to put that album out about sucking his cousin's dick, he lost any black person that was still

with him for all of his business beliefs and crazy behavior. That's where they just checked out. They go, wait, what? It's literally the first time in all of this that the hip hop community has believed in mental illness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, wow, he's definitely crazy. Even Mace was like, I mean, this guy's going through it.

Like, we gotta get on it. Jay-Z was like, he needs to go to therapy, man. He's the first black guy that needs therapy. Yo, I bought my man a dream journal. So, yeah, I mean, that is why. I saw, I've seen like three or four things on World Star Hip Hop of like rappers just being like, fuck that shit. It on world-star hip-hop of like rappers just being like fuck that shit

It's funny though because a lot of the rappers and a lot of the black community Oh, I think you're good with an end yeah, that was crazy. I just have an end. Yeah Terrifying you go a lot of the black and hip-hop community Gay, that's what you did. Listen back. I'm trying to get the Boston out of me. We gotta get this to replay. It's that Massachusetts just embedded in me. I don't even know it's there.

I think it was good. It softened the homophobia. It did. We went, we went, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, okay, that's not so bad. No, but it is weird because think about all the gay stuff that's going on in the hip hop community. Naeem Ali said it last night, he was like, it was black people, we were watching a video of,

do you remember the Burger King crown lunatic on the airplane that was screaming the N-word? It was like a viral video like a year or two ago. And then we were saying it mentally, and I was like, you see all the black people on the plane, even though he's screaming the N-word at this black lady, most of the black people there, and guys and girls, not even that they're afraid of the plane, even though he's screaming the N-word at this black lady, most of the black people there and guys and girls, not even that they're afraid of the guy, they're

just like, can they deal with this so we can get moving on this plane? Like no one cares. And he was like, black people don't give a shit about the N-word being yelled at no more. He was like, all the rappers are gay. There's just so much going on. We're getting paid off from every angle. It was so funny the way he just said it.

All the rappers are gay now, was it? That was the funniest. At that last, whatever, one of the BET Awards or something that Lil Nas X performed, and at the end of it, it was one of the performances his wiener fell out. At one point he had to get his oops and had to cover it, and the other one just ended with him

just French kissing a guy hard. And then it goes, when we come back to the whatever awards, you know, whoever's performing. And they just go like, you just see like the little Wains and Method Man's in the audience, like, why everyone's like, woo. They're just kind of like, I guess, man. Like, just their faces are just like, all right.

Oh, man. It's just, look, whatever you want to do. We're going to go to commercial. It's just, that is just nuts. Just play the two minutes. This isn't the, this is a, Look, I'm whatever you want to do. We're going to go to commercial Not wait two minutes But yeah, it's so I mean right after these go let me come back and just like just happen to get as like method man or a little way like a couple of older school Guys were just like I guess this is music, you know It's like just watching becoming old man in real time, like I don't understand music anymore clearly.

That's like the black version of that Borat. He's in the middle of the MMA ring and he just starts making out with somebody. I mean, yeah, really, it was like a joke at the end. What was it, SNL? One of them is Weiner just completely popped out and he just covered it with his hands, he's like oops. And he was like, everyone's watching.

What are you doing, why? That's hoping for like, that's hoping for some sort of reaction to kind of boost the moment, right? Like he's making it, making out is not even that salacious anymore. But if somebody were to react or freak out or controversy, it's like, that's more or less what that's for.

Yeah, but they didn't even like kiss. That was like passion. Yeah. Which is like another level. No, that was love and basketball French Yes, seeing a guy kiss another guy. I don't really care about seeing passion between two dancers. Yeah. Yeah, it's just like Little noz X. Yeah, also that video he had where they're all dancing Naked in the shower is is this it? Yeah, they dancing naked in the shower. I mean, their dicks must have been taped up because the kind of grind dancing they're doing,

your meat would be constantly just slapping the tiles. There's no way that these guys have little dicks. Yeah, not ours, but yeah. Cut to the scene where they're, Christine, please, my favorite scene. It should be bookmarks. It's time coding. It's the only way Jay comes.

Man, he really leaned into the whole devil thing, huh? They all do. They all do devil now. It's weird. I mean, I think it's because of again. Oh. See, they go to the corner of time. I mean, there's so much passion in that kiss.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no. Oh, it goes, that's like a, ah, shit. They pan to the audience and you just see the other rappers. Go to the music video. Go to the music video where their dicks are bouncing off. Lil Wayne has a paper bag, he's fucking vomiting it.

I forget exactly who it is, but it's great. I think, is Method Man there? Yeah. Oh, no. I didn't know this was gonna be the gay test episode. Yeah. Oh, that's the bonfire. Oh, they gotta be taped up for sure.

You haven't listened to the show since Dan left. Oh. They're probably wearing little underwear. They're blirting. Yeah, we stopped doing voices, and we started doing gay stuff. Andy, you picked a good day to cross your legs when you sit. Yeah, I'm not going to be able to stand up for half an hour. I'm as hard as Chinese geometry right now.

Man. Look at all these gay guys, super stoked to be in jail. That's momoa, right? Just, you know what you would do in an all gay jail? Oh, the smell in that place would not be good, but everyone's happy. Oh, look at this. Except Jack Harlow. He's like a human fleshlight in that place.

Oh man. That's to put up his ass. It's a little hammer. It's actually a two-headed dildo. No man, I wasn't going to break out. I was going to put up your ass. And you put up your roomie's ass. And crawling through the hole is a total euphemism.

That's actually somebody's asshole. Dude, that looks like a scene from The Boys. Going up someone's ass. I'm in his colon now. Yeah, that looks like a scene from the boys I'm in this colon now How many gay how many outwardly gay rappers are there though I Think like Frank Ocean and Wasn't Tyler. Oh, yeah Tyler the creator. That's right. Yeah, he doesn't buy sexual stuff I don't know he's pretty he speaks pretty openly about having sex with dudes, like, pretty explicitly. Christine, give our tickets back.

I'm not going. Why? Go. We're going. Go and wear your pink. There's a video. The comedian. What's his tits?

No, Jared Carver. Jared said to Tyler that he was really attracted to him and in love with him, and it's a very uncomfortable interview. Well, Tyler acts like he's not gay. Oh, it's extremely uncomfortable. We watched it. And then he got just a boy toy to come over and he sucked his feet.

He sucked his toes. There's only one way to feel better about embarrassing yourself asking a Tyler creator to suck a rando's feet. Which I'd rather watch somebody suck a penis than suck some other dude's foot. It's somehow more gay. I just think it doesn't even matter,

dude, woman, whatevs, in that situation. If you're calling over a person that's been hoofing it all day, you've never met them before, and then you ask them to inject their toes into your open, wet mouth. That, to me, seems like kind of odd behavior. You're asking for it either way,

I agree, man or woman. But this, just because we are straight men, it does hit a little harder than just sucking a guy's foot. I agree, man or woman, but this just, because we are straight men, it does hit a little harder that it's just sucking on a guy's foot. I went to a gay bath house accidentally. That was kind of a, I swear. Mike's been there with me.

Yeah, wow, man. I did, I went after him. How many accidents did you guys have? Now your promo pic makes a lot of sense. Yeah. That was the most homoerotic thing I've ever done. Mike was so. What, suck Mike off on a BA bath?

No, he was so hot. His crotch was like radiating heat. Well, we took those pictures. I have a real warm center. So you went to where? You know the place in the school? Guy's got a hot core. The Russian Turkish bath.

Yes, you went on the wrong day. I went on the wrong day. Right. And I clocked it pretty early, but I was like, I paid the money already. So I was like, maybe I can weather this. And then I got in there and I was like, it's getting pretty gay.

It was like I was walking towards the gay son. And I was like, I'm a liberal. I don't have a problem with these guys being gay. And then I went in the steam room and they were just fully fucking. And I was like, I get it. They were what? Fucking.

Oh, they fuck. Yeah. Yeah, in their butts. In their butt holes. In the steam room. Wet. Blowing. Flopping.

No, no. Save your spit. This thing's already damp. That's got to be the ideal spot, right? Buddy, you should have just sat down and enjoyed the show. Dude, I did sit down. Nice. What the fuck?

He was kidding, by the way. I was kidding. No, it was steamy. And so I couldn't really clock what was going on. And then I was like, I'm not going to look. I'm not going to look. And I looked over, and I was like, yeah, I got to get out of here.

Yeah, because you got hard? That too. That was fucking me. I had to get out of there. Did you even have to look? I feel like you could hear like, no one's butt fucks silent. No. The guy getting it's at the very least going Like a cartoon like Bugs Bunny like falling down the stairs

At the minimum he's doing ten push-ups So you go into you go to the steam, because I've been there on coed day, which is just, it's not uncomfortable, but they brought a girl in, and the Russian guys who give the leaf massages, brought this smoking hot blonde, and she came in in a bikini, and they just beat the bikini off of her.

And it just came off, and she was just topless. And it was just me and a bunch of other guys looking over our brows at this girl getting a massage, trying not to be perverse, and trying not to fill up. And I was like, I gotta get outta here because it's getting too weird. Like some weird assault is about to happen that I don't wanna be part of.

I wouldn't, Ari Shafir would ask me all the time to go to the gay bath house. I guess not on gay night. But even if there's a gay night, and then the other times a week you can go in, it's not gay, there's still remnants of gay has to be there, right? Like load everywhere, I assume.

I think Thursday's gay day, so you're not gonna wanna go back till Sunday at least. You know, let the bleach do its work. Yeah, let the chlorine do what the chlorine do. Because then you go into the baths, which is, you know, that's nuts too, because you're going right from there. That's the gay final boss.

Into the, you're going into the baths and you just clean it off. Yeah, it's really bleachy though, that bath. I don't know if it's that bleachy. I don't know if it's AIDS bleachy. Doesn't it suck that the best way to clean cum that would make you feel the most comfortable is if they use bleach.

Ironically, cum smells like bleach. Yeah, or you could use your mouth. What a conundrum. Yeah, I guess you could just slurp it all up. I mean, have you guys talked about it? But tis the season, it is cum plant season. What? Like right now. What? Do you know that? No mean have you guys talked about it, but tis the season it is come plant season What like right now? Well, you know that no come plant Oh, no suburbs, especially but outside of the country. There's a certain plant that literally smells like you came in your nose

It's a country. Yeah, I talked about this on ona ten years ago. Look at uh, right remember that Trees dude, remember we brought you there dude. Remember when I brought it? You were there when I brought it in. And they, I was walking, remember I brought it? I was walking with Dawn, we went to a Starbucks, I walked out and I was like, she went to the bathroom at Starbucks and she came out and I was like, did you just suck somebody off?

She's like, what? I go, I smell cum, did you blow somebody in Starbucks? And it was the trees in New York, the white flowered trees, I think, whatever they call them, dog trees. But it was the trees in New York, the white flower trees, I think, whatever they call them, dog trees. But it's literally the pollen. Is it dogwood? Some tree like that.

All the white trees in New York right now smell like gin. They smell like a hotel towel on Sunday. Yeah, and they took all the, I brought that up on Open Anthony and they got all the flowers and stuck it in my micro-wool thing and I was sitting there talking,

I was like, ugh, and it was disgusting. Yeah, there's... I can't believe it. That's such a weird thing to have. It's a great excuse, though, right? Yeah. Like, why do you smell like cum? It goes, trees, babe. It's the trees.

There it is right there. There it is. That's it. The Bradford pear tree. Unpleasant odor. Rotting fish or body odor? It's the jizz tree right there. That's the jizz tree. Yeah, I don't get rotting fish from it,

but it is like, you know, it's a very specific smell. Cum is like, you can't miss it. We know exactly what cum smells like. We've all accidentally hit ourselves too close to the nostril. Or sipped it out of our palms. We all know what our own cum smells like. Let's do a test.

Yeah, we only know what our own cum smells like. Not Jim. Pepsi challenge? I think it's time we all come in a different dish, take a smell, and see if only know what our own cum smells like. Not Jim. Pepsi challenge? I think it's time we all come in a different dish, take a smell, and see if we can figure out which one's ours. I would love to do that right now. We have chips, we can dip the chip in. And go.

We can get some chips and dip them like salsa. I like that. You can also do it like ketamine and just put it on a plate, stick it in the microwave, it comes out in a powder, then you chop it up and do a line of your own cup. Yeah, these, it's so funny. Now, can I ask you a question?

Ugh, fuck, I'm out of here. The collary pear virus... So... Smells like semen. So... So detailed. I love it. There's no, it doesn't say gay night,

it's just men only. Yeah, that's... Now, could you go in, Andy? Yeah. If you could have weathered the storm Could you have went in there? Does it got and not then they're not bothering you, right? Do they know that you're no but the like the steam room specifically? I think it was kind of like a Like if you're in there, you're probably participating the sauna or the sauna or the steam room? Steam room. So the steam room. Well, then wet droplets can go everywhere. Definitely.

I didn't really know what was going on. You got toe aids, for sure, at least. You at least got foot aids. I take foot prep now. That's good. Hey, that's very mature. His pink toe is just the size of his pinky toe now. Lost weight.

Some people would just ignore it and act like it's not happening. But you've addressed the issue. I want to be safe. That's good. It's better than the sauna is better than, I mean, the steam room is better than the sauna, Some people would just ignore it and act like it's not happening. You've addressed the issue. I want to be safe. That's good. The sauna is better than, I mean the steam room is better than the sauna because the sauna is usually all wood.

I would disagree. And that's jizz. And the steam room is tile, which you can clean up way easier. I got what you mean. You know what I mean? The smell of a steam room already is weird to me. I've never enjoyed that smell. And I feel like that mixed with the smell of butt fuck

is gonna over, I'd rather be maybe in hot wood than wet tile with the smell of butt fuck. You'd rather smell jizz cedar. I'd rather fuck, yeah, I'd rather lick a jizz tree. Well, because I had a, when I lived in the Dorn Man building when I first moved to New York, remember that place with the basketball Court it was like like the highest tech gym. I've ever been to it had a

Fingerprint recognition before that was even available 24-hour basketball has that on his closets Here's that on his guns Is that for everything you know, but they had they had this amazing gym and they had a sauna. And I was like, oh God. And I remember I would go into the sauna, I'd go work out, I'd go into the sauna. And then one day I just came down and it was shut off, closed forever because people kept going in there

and just guys in the building would go down to the sauna in the middle of the night and just fuck each other in the sauna. Nice, Jesus. And and just fuck each other in the sauna. And not even know each other, it was just a hookup spot. I think that's important though to have. That's a resource just like there's a gym. A real safe spot for just frustrated dudes in the building that un-cork on each other.

But that's how the Jeffrey Dahmers find their victims in those worlds also, when it's pushed off into the trail. I did live in the building with Jim Norton. I wonder if he was a culprit. Yeah, we caught this guy. He kept trying to blow everybody that went in the sauna. Is Jim Norton the answer, if you had a friend? Have you ever had that question, if you have one friend that you would find out has killed somebody,

but you don't know about it, what friend do you think that would be? Oh, it would be, it would probably be Rich Voss. You think Rich Voss possibly killed somebody? Yeah, because he was around when people, you could just shoot somebody and not go to jail. Oh, the old west. Yeah.

I understood. Yeah. Well, you're looking to me, funny stranger. Yeah, he goes, have you ever killed a guy rich? I just found gold. You ever kill someone rich? He goes, are you counting doles? Have you involved in a few doles?

Before spit was identifiable DNA. Yeah, right? Doles. I found gold in the hills. Mine's Feeny, for sure. Feeny's got bodies. There might just be some dark thing in his past. You know what, dude?

That is, Feeny definitely is too put together on the outside visually. And he tries. The total metalhead too underneath all that. But it looks like he never dressed the part of that. Simmering rage. Yeah, he looks like, if you saw him running down the street naked from a fucking rape death,

you'd be like, oh my God, I get it. Like if he was just running down the street that night, just with his wing. A woman's bloody handprints all over. Yeah, yeah, with just his wing-wong flapping. Mike Feeney, the Gilgo Beach murderer. Running from a gay steam room. I did try to murder somebody.

No, I was gonna try to hit them up to ask for a refund. Yeah, that's good. Because I was just in there for like 15 minutes and I was like, I'm gonna get the fuck out of here. You didn't even come. Why you? Why you?

You know come? You know why you can come. But I was gonna be like, you know why I want my money back. Yeah, because you know suck dick. Why you come on a wrong day? It's not my fault you don't suck dick. You look like you suck a dick. This butt fuck night.

We should all go there and ruin, we should all go, we should get like 10 of us to go on gay day and just ruin it. No, no, let's not ruin it. We should all go there and ruin. We should all go. We should get like 10 of us to go on Gay Day and just ruin it. No, no, let's not ruin it. Let's see if we, if they enjoy it, we'll get in the circles around them when they start and just start, like, yes, like in really bad. Yeah. Yeah, I understand. Like the J-Hug.

Yes! We set them down the gauntlet. We set them down the gauntlet. Yo, go! Go, Jeremy! Go, Jeremy. But fuck. But fuck. But fuck. Boo, boo. Boo, boo.

Boo, boo. Boo, boo. I was thinking like a dog fighting ring, like almost Michael Vick's Bad News kennels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll wave money. We'll wave money around them like this. Yeah. But the thing where we did that, one of us would want to get in our duck's dick sock.

100%. You look over, see one of us, we'd just be like, hey dude, just be like, shh, don't tell anybody. The problem is, you don't want to be the person dicks. A hundred percent. See, one of us would just be like, shh, don't tell anybody. The problem is, you don't want to be the person when we all leave the steam room, the last person who looks back one more time. Hey, what'd you look back for? I forgot my watch. No, no, I thought, no, no, I just, it was a chance you left.

Hey, real quick guys, I think I left my iPhone in there, I'll be right back. I gotta grab, you want us to come? Nah, I gotta do it. I'll meet you at the diner. Or the guy who stays a little behind to tell the guys, he goes, we're just fuckin' around, man, we're just playin' around, you guys, we don't think anything's weird here. You guys, you guys, look here,

we got a good time here. Here's the right thing, here's if you're not gay, or you're, you know, you go in there to be gay. It's a big if. If you, if you, but if you, like, if you were like, hey man, I'm gonna go down there and check this out, and then you, you're in a steam room, and then you,

you fuckin' around with somebody, and then you look over, and I this out, and then you're in a steam room, and then you fucking around with somebody, and then you look over, and if I saw him, if I saw Mike Cannon going, yo dude, I'd be like, shit. I'd be like, dude, I'll suck your dick if you keep it up. Just keep it quiet. Bump into somebody, and you both had to explain you came on the wrong day.

No, no, no, I thought it was, I had a last year's calendar. I got my Thursdays and Tuesdays mixed up. It'd be so embarrassing if you didn't meet somebody you knew that you didn't know was gay and they were just getting, if they just noticed you, they're getting railed from behind and then they look over and they're like, Andy?

They're just casual, hey. Hey. First thing I would do on a gay night, go in, take a shit in the woman's locker room. I stretched legs, real throne, real throne shit. No one's bothering you in there. Although a million years ago I always said that was the the most I've ever had to go to the bathroom, didn't get to go and it went away completely was driving down West Side Highway, me

and Kevin Hart in my Saturn. We're driving up the West Side Highway to a gig, and I just had to go to the bathroom so bad. And I just pulled over, I'm gonna go to this bar, it was a bar on the West Side Highway. I just pulled over on the side of the highway, and I went in and I saw dudes, like, male strippers on stage, but almost like Chippendales kind of looking. And I walked in and I was like, oh, great.

But I was like, oh great. But I was like, hey, can I use your bathroom real quick? And they were like, yeah, yeah, it's in the back. So I went in the back into the men's room. Men's room's only one stall and it was, it said out of order on the actual, it was a urinal and a stall. The stall said out of order, but I was like,

I don't care if this thing can flush or not, like I have to just go. And then I opened it, somebody else had that idea already. Oh. Joe was blown, and I was like, I don't care if this thing can flush or not, like I have to just go. And then I opened it, somebody else had that idea already. Joe was blown, and I was like, so then I was walking out defeated, still having the shit pretty bad, and the guy goes, I go, he goes, did you go already?

And I was like, no, it's out of order. He goes, go in the girls room, there's no one in there. And I was like, as I'm walking to it, I'm like, why would there be, oh. Oh, and as soon as I opened the woman's bathroom door, there was just a guy chugging cock, another guy's cock in there, and he goes, occupied! And I just left, I didn't shit,

and the shit pain went away though. I will say, it crawled back up. I thought there was gonna be somebody in there dressed like a toilet. The seat over their face. They go, excuse me sir, and they go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no.

They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no.

They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no.

They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. They're like, no. tattoo on his forehead. Now why did you say anything? Like guys, you gotta, I gotta go poop.

Get outta here. Take that outside. They were so brazen. They didn't react like they had been caught. They were like, what the fuck are you doing in here? That's their spot. Yeah. So I was like, oh, alright.

That's where you blow your face. And then I went by the guy and he was like, what happened now? I go, there's people in there. And he just kinda went like, yeah, well. That's what it is. And I got back by the guy and he was like, he's like, what happened now? I go, there's people in there. And he just kind of went like, yeah, well. Like, that's what it is. And I got back in the car and Kevin was like, that was fast.

I'm like, there's no point in telling you this. You're not gonna think it's funny. You're gonna think I'm gay now. That was the 90s when everything was anti-gay. Yeah, anti-gay. Yeah. And racism didn't exist. Racism did not exist.

We did not like gays. I remember I was driving back with Norton from upstate New York, SUNY, Delhi. You remember that? Sure. This guy Marty back, I don't know. Terrible gig. I did that gig.

Terrible gig, great guy. Guy was the greatest guy ever. Terrible gig for some people, but you never knew when it was your turn to be the terrible gig guy, because I would go up, I went up with Corielli once, he bombed, I went up, killed. Yeah, that was me, you and Corielli.

Right, and I went up, killed it. By the way, I did okay. You did great. Corielli did eat shit. Yeah, he... And then Bobby destroyed. And then they started booking, from that weekend, they started booking me to headline it,

and I never did good once. Never, that's what happened with me. They booked me up there with Norton, and I'm like, he's gonna eat it, I'm gonna kill. I go up first, and this girl, because it was a black school. Mainly black, right? And I remember this girl walked in with a-

No sports, though. Weird. Yeah, they did two year school, right? Yeah, two years ago. And I remember she walked by with her hair, you know, like a weird animal. Said something about her hair. It was just the wrong thing to say.

And they fucking turned on me. I was pulling up the plane's nose for 25 minutes just trying to get off on a joke. I finally got off on a ha-ha. And I go, give it up to Jim Norton. He goes out, murders. I was so mad, because I'm like, at least I'm gonna watch this pipsqueak

just eat his dick, and they loved him. And we're driving home, and I'm like, dude, I'm really hungry, I'm really sad, because I palmed, and you know that, you need something to help you, and he goes, no, we gotta get home, I wanna get home. I go, please, just stop. He goes, no.

All of a sudden we see an adult bookstore and he almost goes through the middle of the road. Eh! He's, and he goes where the cops go. I'm like, what are you doing? He goes, I wanna stop here for a second. I'm like, what? He goes in and he goes to a,

he goes, not even to get a, he just goes into the pee booth. Nice. To jerk off. To a video on a screen? Yeah, but he, so I'm out front. To have to jerk your wheel to go jerk off to a video is insane.

I almost respect that ability though, to know yourself that well and then to also be able to show up for yourself in that moment. For sure. To show, but just the idea that you're like, things will be better right now if I stop everything I'm doing and jerk off publicly. He went in, came out around 15 minutes later angry,

fucking motherfuckers. I'm like, what? He goes, these fucking, this gay guy wouldn't stop knocking on my door. Cause it's a place where you go to get sucked off, right? But he wanted to jerk off to the video or whatever. And I was just so wild that we're in the middle. I'm starving.

You won't stop to get me a hamburger McDonald's, but you'll stop to crank one out and be harassed by an older gay guy in the woods of upstate New York. If that guy would just fucking put on some fake titties, he'd have been funny. He would have opened the door and married him. Well, I asked him. Get in here, you.

We finally did. We finally did stop for McDonald's and I was out front, I was like, dude, would you let a, let me ask you a question. Would you, for like a million dollars, and nobody knows, you get the money, would you suck off a guy? If he was gonna, would you blow a guy and put it in your mouth?

This is before I knew who Jim really was. And he's like, yeah, I paid a black girl 500 to shit on my chest today. Of course I'd suck a guy off for a million dollars. Yeah, I loved back in the day when you'd say a million, 50 million dollars, and now it's like 15K, I don't know. Yeah, when real life gets in the way,

you start realizing things like, I could actually use this money for what could probably be five minutes of work if I'm good at it. If you get my driveway redone, I'll suck your dick. If you can do an HVAC of five, one of those Mitsubishi things, I'll fucking stick my finger in your ass.

Are you good at editing reels? Can you get me traction in the rhythm? Can you get me Joe Matariz traction? You saw Joe Matariz had a couple hundred thousand views on something and it turned you all around. Well, it's just, I mean, God bless him. I'm so happy for him. No, you're not. Yeah, I am. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. It's not. Ask me again. Ask me again. Are you happy for him? Yes, I am. You don't care. I do care. No, but here's the thing. It's great. All you're doing is wondering how out of nowhere, right? When he doesn't have that many followers 15,000 20,000 15 and he but he's got videos Multiple videos you say now that have hundreds of thousands of views And I assume that would be part of one of those things that I get constantly all day that go,

hey, increase boost views on your thing by this much, by paying for this much, and blah, blah, blah. But you are the only person who seems to have fooled with this. I'm the only person that would actually blow a guy when I could just pay $50 to a company. You could just pay $50 to a company. Yeah, a lot. Good for you, man. And look at that. And strangely, that one. Yeah, a lot. Good for him. I'm actually, I don't.

Look at that, strangely, that one right under, five grand. Look at that, look at that weird dip off. Look at that strange consistency starting three days ago. No, he's actually 23,000, 20,000, 26. Yeah, totally. No, he's 30. Yeah, he's doing good. He's got a good body.

He's got a great body. He's in really good shape for his age. Oh yeah. Yeah, he looks great, man. Good for him, I don't care. It's just, it's weird to. He's got a good body. He's got a great body. He's in really good shape for his age. Oh yeah. Yeah, he looks great, man. Good for him, I don't care. It's just, it's weird to me because I don't understand how the thing works, how you get this traction,

and then everybody says, dude, it's the algorithm. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? Dude, it changes all the time. It's like, fuck. Have you tried blowing a guy and see if it helps? That's what I'm saying, I'm up for it. You gotta do it upstate. Huh?

I think you're thinking too much of like, you're gonna blow the person who's gonna do it. How about you just blow a guy and put that positivity out there in the world? Yeah. And then maybe your social situation will. You're talking. I believe, and I don't know, is that what the cloud is?

I think I'm talking about the cloud. Didn't Jay Moore do a movie about that, Pay it Forward? Isn't that how it works? I blow him, right? And then- You're looking at him now, he's married to the Lakers dynasty. I mean, what the-

And then fortune will proverbially, metaphorically blow you. And you will be- Femster? Yeah, yeah, fortune femster. Things are getting crazy. What a great gig to marry just a millionaire woman. Bill, I think Bill. I married a Pollock from Everett.

She's got like five grand in her bank. Yeah. She's got a diamond collection, I don't know if it's real. For sure, but she's got scars on her fist from fights and you respect that. I do respect that, goddamn bitch. You respect the shit out of her. Yeah.

She would probably beat the shit out of Christine. Christine's a California girl. Christine's a tough girl. I bet Christine scrapped in high school. No, she did. She had to have. Who do you think wins, Nicole or Rosebud? I think it's Rosebud, right? No, I think my wife beats the absolute breaks off of Rosebud.

Wow. Jesus Christ, the breaks. It's like not even close. Yeah, because Rosebud is like for money. I don't think she's actually been in the dirt. Rosebud is jacked. My wife is tarsied too. Rosebud will pay somebody to assassinate his wife after the fact.

There'll be no evidence. Blackwater shit. Yeah, exactly. No, my wife got that like 23 and B shit and her muscle is like of the elite athlete. She's just a pally and half a gorilla. You'd be cooking burgers out in the backyard here. Boom, boom. And your wife would just fall in the pool.

It wouldn't even be like that. She'd just have a weird heart attack because she touched the wrong doorknob. Oh, you're talking rich white people killing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry. There'd be no crime. Christine, Christine, I would rather

you be 50 pounds overweight than have Goldberg traps, just like these things. My wife does walk with her arms spread. She does beat head walks. She does latte. Yeah, but you'd find your wife hanging from an elastic cord from a door. She'd kill like Anthony Bourdain. What? She'd have a penis.

As long as they then boosted my algorithm I'd be fine. Yeah, as long as it gets the algorithm. That's what it is, paying it forward, like you said. That's right. You gotta pay it forward. It's a weird thing. And you knew Podcast, it's out. That's great that you guys, I love you two together.

Thank you, brother. I've never seen you guys talk to each other. We hadn't. Wow, what? It was very random. You guys were placed together. Someone's like, you guys should do something together. I thought, I don't know if you guys are like this,

but I think the friends of my friends are my friends. So I'm like best friends with Rosebud for a long time. And I'm friendly with Andy. And I just assume that because of my closeness to Rosebud, we also became best friends when they got married. So after I didn't have a podcast, and I was like looking to try to do something. Andy's been confused.

You constantly keep calling me your best friend. And you're like, I really, we don't know each other. I don't have a podcast and I was like looking to try to do something and he's been confused you constantly keep calling me your Best friend you're like I really we don't know each other He told me he'd meet me at the Russian spa he wasn't there I don't even remember my roast as a kermesker said about me He said he when he first met me thought I was retarded because as soon as we met each other I called him best friend immediately Maybe kind of true. I was so excited to meet somebody who wasn't just like, he was at first like not lunk that I was friends with.

And I was much more lunk, but he was just a person that I was like, ooh, this guy knows about stuff and David Lynch movies. It was like, just anything that just wasn't like eagles and pussy. That's great. I mean, I always have liked Andy's comedy and thought he was hilarious,

and I was just looking to do a new pod. I hit him up, we took those pictures, I heated his entire lower lumbar with my asshole, and in the middle of that he just looked at me and he's like, we've like never hung out. Ever. So, uh, lunch? Yeah.

Literally I stopped the photo shoot to be like, I want everybody to know that we've never actually hung out. And the podcast is what? It's just us chatting. Just chatting? Dad, dad, husband, comic, just random. You guys are both new dads. Yeah.

New dad, frustrated whites. Well, it's not the 90s. No, I mean, I'm a new dad. I'm a five-year-old and then an eight-month-old, so I just reset the fucking clock. But yeah, it's all that stuff like, you know Navigating well the podcast any hands and Mike Cannon Beautiful boys. It's available now on youtube.com

Slash at beautiful boys podcast and wherever you can listen to podcast go check it out Mike is going Mike Cannon is gonna be a Poughkeepsie this Saturday night, May 3rd and laugh it up really fun is going to be in Poughkeepsie this Saturday night, May 3rd at Laugh It Up. Really fun club. Yeah, I love that place. Cal's the man. For tickets and all the dates, go to mikecannoncomedy.com. Jay, take over. Andy Haines special. The character Gramercy is out right now.

To watch it, go to imandyhaines.com. That's imandyhaines.com. And don't forget about Skankfest New Orleans in November 14th through November 16th. Badges are available for sale this Friday, May 2nd, 1 p.m. Eastern Time. Guess where? Skankfest.com. Get them before they're gone. I'm in Denver this weekend. You are gonna be at Mike Drop's San Diego two weekends from now. Two weekends from now. This weekend I have off, dude. I'm gonna be home. I'm gonna be making a fire pit.

I'm gonna be in the mountains with Mike Fennoyer. That sounds fun. It's gonna be very fun. That sounds fun. It's gonna be very fun. Sounds fun. What are you doing? Getting out to sickness, Denver Comedy Works.

Fun. Such a fun place. Thank you guys for hanging out with us so much. Thanks for having us, man. Make sure you check out Beautiful Boys podcast. And we'll catch you guys tomorrow. Yes. On the bonfire. Yeah, don't go back to the 90s