The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Primitive Glamping

Episode Date: June 16, 2026

Liam is a good friend of the Bonfire and SiriusXM Talent Department big-shot. He comes in studio to address the promises Yungblud made when he was there months ago. Mr. Blud offered to party with the guys, have tea with Bobby, and invited the whole crew to his NYC show. Jay dictates what Liam should write to the label and management to ensure Yungblud comes through on all of it. | Bobby goes camping in upstate NY and nothing works out the way he planned. In less than 24 hours of roughing it, Bobby runs out of food, water, and injures himself. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Man, oh man. What a journey. Journey. Yeah. What a journey we took to get up here. Yeah. Me and Bobby left downstairs to come up here with ample four minutes of time.

That's way more than you need. Bobby pushed the button for the elevator. He pointed to elevator four. I looked down at the pad It said elevator four We got an elevator four Which stopped at 33 Only 33

NBC NBC Not a bad look there So we got out Yeah Push 36 Access denied You're not allowed to do that apparently

So then we had to go back downstairs Starting at 459 And then catch the other elevator back up Walk by High 5 of our best friend security guard. They got rid of the Drago-looking guy, and now they got, like, the most pleasant

big black dude out there. He's great, I love him. He's so pleasant. Yeah. Reach with a smile every day. Says hi, he's excited to see us, actually. He seems happy to see us. I get along with the other guy.

We get along with everyone. Well, you really don't know if you get along. If he hated you or he loved you because he had the same facial expression every day. We bonded. No. We bonded over what? Life?

No, you didn't. Well, yeah, it's my face. Oh, yeah. I forgot. You guys have the same face. Oh, yeah. I guess you guys do have the same face. Yeah, the same exact face every day.

Yeah. Do you think he's just as alone as you somewhere in Queens? I hope not. We got a lot to get to today. I know for sure. Bobby's camping. Bobby's camping, I bet, was crazy. I know nothing about it.

But do we have, we were trying to get Liam in here. Yeah. He's coming? Yep. Where is he? Oh, is it? Two minutes. Because what we're going to talk to Liam about,

this week when I was having my Legion of Skanks meeting they reminded me that we were not doing story wars this Wednesday why is that I said they said you requested that

weeks ago why did I request it I look it up Youngblood concert at Radio City right across the street now Lou you can go back through the archives at some point and pull that audio

if we need to if there's a trial over this if you need to young blood made a whole bunch of promises to us that Bobby very much took the heart, as did I with some of them. I wrote them down. Yeah.

And I had a calligraphy guy actually put them on a document that I hung in my office. You keep the original in your hope chest by the foot in bed. Yeah, next to a photo. So Youngblood was in here. He made a lot of promises. Brett Michaels-esque in the way he made promises. However, we don't have a dirty history like we had with Brett Michaels that we have a young Blood, simply me making fun of Bobby for liking him so much, which I think he understood.

And then he enjoyed us very much. Enjoyed us very much, but there was a lot of things you said about Youngblood, you and Christine over the year about his talent and who he was. No one argued his talent. And who he was. You said he was. Well, he's a Disney kid. Whoa.

What are you going to do? Not anymore. Not anymore. Look, Disney finds talent. Why are you going to come at me like this? Oh. Why come up me like this one? we're getting, come on. You know what? You're right.

We're on the same team here. We're on the same team here. Speak of the devil. Liam. Liam from Talent joining the show. That's good. Round of applause. That's good. Sparse. Sparse. Sparse. Thanks, guys. Liam, first things first.

This is my bag? Yeah, it's my bag. Is that a compliment or a dis? I don't know. No, it's a compliment. I actually, I was looking at watches all this past weekend because of you. Oh, well, you can call me whatever you need, and I will help you out like you. You help us out all the time. Oh, okay, nice. Liam, you look like a college crew team date rapist. That's what's going for.

Sorry, I didn't mean to butter you up like that. We want to bring you in. We want to just throw it out there. Oh, God. Because, no, it needs to be out there. Because we have audio and, I think, video evidence of this. Several weeks ago, we had a young man in here named Youngblood. Yes.

Who came in. Yes. And he fell in love with us immediately. He loves you guys, yes. He loved us. He made a lot of promises to us. Okay. He was going to send Bobby T.

The eyes that Bobby is making at me right now. Like, I feel like I'm going to be date, right? It's possible. It's possible. Thank God your crew team's here to stop him. That's right. Yeah, no, I'm buttoned up. Number one, first of all, thank you for describing my eyes for context.

Beautiful eyes, yeah. Jim's going to love that. I see Jacob right here. James going to love that. Yeah. He promised Bobby T. A lot of tea. He said that...

Like, what kind of tea? Oh, tea? Yeah, like a good tea. I thought it was like another thing. Okay, cool. English tea. English tea. I thought it was testosterone.

Bobby said he didn't like tea. Okay. Right, right, right, right. You haven't had the right tea. You said PG tips and he was like, that's bullshit or something like that or whatever. He said, I'm going to sell you the right, mate. I don't like that. I'm going to send you as much tea as you go ahead.

I think that's how he sounded. Yeah, I don't know it all. Well, anyway. Yeah. You got rid of the guy with the voices. I don't know what to tell you. I know. I couldn't have done any better

I told him to stay He said no Dude mine would have sound like I would have sound like pig malion He said I'm gonna give Bobby some tea As I do Alright Hey

Yorkshire tea Oh dude he's gonna break off 27 29 for you 27 smackers Bobby He did say a lot He was gonna say as much He didn't say one He said a lot

He said more than you can handle More than I can handle And he said if we were He said if we drank Lipton Then he called us the N word Which was weird That was weird. Which was weird.

We cut it out. We cut it out. Yeah, he bombed on a bunch of normal teas and then he said he was going to hook you up. I remember hearing that. He did. That's great that you're being. Before you start texting him, we want tea. We don't want tea first.

He also promised that we were all going to go out and have, he described it as a pint with him, which when Bobby said he doesn't drink. But Bobby said he would begin drinking again for young. First of all, I said that with every famous person that's come on here that I will drink with him. Riza, I will drink with him. Yeah, absolutely. Spread evil for every guest. That's how willing I am. I love it.

That's why I want guests on the show. I go far for the show. He bites down on the wood and he bends over. Okay, so I'm not asking for tea. I'm going to delete this email. Hang on, hang on. It's not get crazy. I'm just trying to go by priorities here.

I've just heard the things that you've done to each other's phones and I'm a little nervous about what I'm going to be co-opted into sending right now. No, no, no, no, no. Mostly Jay on my phone, but yes, you're right. That was mostly. I usually convince Bobby to text a famous person and ruin his relationship. All my relationship.

But really, it's just by testing, what it is is Bobby's happy and willing to live in the surface, I have his number so I can tell people we're friends. And then I go, well, let's test that. Send him, what's up, dude, what's going on with you? And they never write back. That's not my fault.

That's me being a good friend of Bobby and snapping back, and letting him know his friends aren't out there in the stratosphere. They're right across from him. There was actually... In a small studio, New York City. But there was one friend that I did have

that I ruined to get you on the roast. Kevin Hart, yeah. So, yes, I did, I did ruin that shit. I believe he said, Big J's awesome, bang, bang, bang, oh, fuck Robert Kelly. He did say that. That was weird. He did turn on you at the end. Turned on me.

It did seem strange. But, anyway. None of us are really expecting to go have a night out in the town with Youngblood. We're all older gentlemen and old Christine. So nobody's going to go out drinking. Well, Bobby's going to go out drinking. Right. If.

But what he did say was he's coming back to Radio City Music Hall. on the 10th. And he started, he goes, and you guys, I want you guys to be my guests all please come to the show.

Okay. Can we follow through with that? Yeah, yeah, I'll send the message right now. I took off Story Wars, which is a very, very huge show. I don't know if you know that.

No, I know, and I know the undertaking that. And I don't know if you're familiar with it, but it's a huge production and it is a monster of a show. Thank you, double points. Double points.

Double points. Bobby is allowed to trigger it, by the way. I actually, I actually quit Bone to Pick for this night. He quit Bone the PIC. We used to do Bone to Pick on Wednesdays. I said I'm done. He told Paul Verzi to get in the boat first,

and then he kicked it out into the fucking river. So you both made plans based on a radio conversation, and then I want me to make sure that they're real. It was off radio this point. This is off radio. This is very, very personal. The T was personal. The hanging out was personal.

Everything was personal. Now we need three, four, five and a half tickets. Five and a half. Okay. Jacob can sit on my lap. Okay, I wasn't sure if we were talking about Paco. Got it, okay. No, no, no.

Paco is, you're saying because he's Asian, he's less than a person. I understand that. Paco, I understand that. We are getting back to our World War II sensibilities. Paco, get in your camp. It's the Irish and May, sorry. And Philippines just had a 7.8 earthquake.

He's got to go home and help his family. He's got to go home. He's got to go fucking damn a village. Yeah, he's got to go rebuild some huts. Yeah, I can, I'm going to write the email. I'm not going to do it on the air because I'm afraid of what I'm going to be told to say. I can dictate for you if you like that's exactly but I don't want you. But Jay is very

let me say something in his defense very good at expressing what we need so maybe you might want to you don't have to send it maybe you write down with Jay just write it down what he wants you to say and hear him up because Jay is very good at this okay so I was

just talking to his manager the other day he had to have him approve some videos that we had shot for his show that he does so I can do a quick champagne facials actually So I'm wondering I'll just reply back to that I've already got a chain going with the guy

So I'm going to say hey by the way Well start by I'd say hey mate Hey mate dot dot dot dot Is that what you pussy say over there? Write it right down there Got it okay Hey pull your foreskin back and listen I got a couple of fucking limies

Want to see a show And they want to be treated right And write this That cunt that you represent told us that he would get his tickets Clint means something different over there I've heard that it's actually A term of endearment

Dot dot dot Still waiting on that T Loads of it Okay Then spell young blood wrong But next to it put that thing where you put Parentheses SP with a question mark Like I don't know if it's spelled right

And I don't care to look I won't be checking Spell it out full young blood Rob Lowe style And then at the end, ask him, does he know that that's the name of a Roblo movie? Okay, got it. Okay.

And then tell him, hockey's an American sport. Fuck what Canada says. Okay. It's Radio City, right? Radio City, right across the street. Yeah, right across the street. Plugging fourskin one more time. Foreskin, okay.

And I'm trying to think, do I have any more English stuff? Bob, you got your tea. Tea? It's fish and chips. Fish and chips. They fry things, right? Absolutely. And we're going to have a pint afterwards.

A pint, right. And then at the end of this, just put, Or else. Or else. Okay. Who know what it means. Okay. All right.

And so we need six-ish. A half ticket. Six. Okay. Got it. All right. And then at the other, put like an eggplant with like jizz shooting out of it. An eggplant.

Yeah. Then the squirts. Yeah. Also like that. Okay. Do you need a cameraman? Huh? Do you need a cameraman?

All right. Looks like we're going to need, God damn. It looks like we need seven tickets. Seven tickets. Wow. That's a... And we're going to be to be treated like royalty. Yeah.

The way we treated him. Jacob, you don't want to go to this show. Barely. He barely wants to go to this show. You just went to a cowboy show the other day I got you into a country show. Yeah, so you were all country Jacobs right now. Black Lou, you're going?

If it's on? Black Lou's going, it's on. That's fine. DJ Lou. He's going and it's on. So that's six tickets and then Jacob's, whatever. Christine could flash beaver, maybe just get in. It literally looks like a beaver.

It looks like a beaver. Well, I make her shave the top push into like a pelt. He's very strong. And then he puts hair straightener in it and he just combs it. You say, look at mine. Do the same. Yeah, comb it off. It's not sexual.

It's not sexual. Tell him I'll trim mine if that's what he wants. I'll trim it down so it doesn't look so old. Okay, okay. I will send this message to his manager. Wednesday, Wednesday? This Wednesday. You guys, two days before.

Is it perfect, right? Is something resembling anything? Yeah, no, I will send this message right now. If it was a week ago. if it was a week from now, he's going to forget by the time we get there. Now it's fresh in his mind, those guys. I guess that's true.

That is true. Okay. All right. All right. You good? Mission designated and I will do what I can. Accepted. Mission accepted.

If it changes anything, tell him a couple of us, we'll do gay shit. Okay. Mostly one of us. Well, I see the ticket masters. What are we looking at? These are 175. This is just tickets available. Okay.

All right. Well, but those are resale, right? It's a sold out. sold-out show I would think. Well, it looks like there's nobody right next to the stage. Man, those are all resales. But I mean, we're talking to artist's guest list. It's a little bit of a difference. There's a pit. Yeah, we want to be in the pit.

Bobby's got to be up front. Oh, fuck. Wait, I got to deal with the snake pit. Are you snake pit? Yeah, snake pit situation. This is why I hate doing tickets. Why? I've already promised Bobby Pitt. And you know what happens when Jay promises me pit. I don't get it.

Dude, I did a thing with a former host of this show where I got him into a Queens of the Stone Age concert. And I remember getting... Dan. Getting a phone call. A phone call from Lou saying, what's up with your boy?

He hates us because he picked up his tickets. And I was like, are they bad? And he's like, they don't look good. Hadn't even gone inside yet. Hadn't even gone inside yet? So then... That's disrespectful. He gets inside and he's actually like,

actually Dan likes these seats. Like Dan just bought pit spot or whatever. But Dan wants to sit in your seats that you got them because they're nice center. actual seats at Forest Hills. They were like really nice seats. And you guys had backyard access with a private bar. But I still got the shit Lou call.

I'm like, why do you hate us, Lane? Couldn't be further from the stage. I'm so glad that Dan bought his own tickets because he didn't believe in you. That's what I got told. I love that. I love it.

I love it cost Dan money. No, I'm putting full faith in you. Yeah, this is great. I can't wait. I think there's an outside shot. You can get us on stage. I know I'm not expecting that. I know it's probably just going to end up being

fucking dead front center pit. There's an act There's a pit at radio set. I've never seen a pit at Radio City. You don't know young blood. Dude, I got to fucking dance, man. Yeah, we saw Gary Clark Jr. there's no pit. Yeah, that's more like a mellow, like

laid back, yeah. No, that's orchestra. No, that's orchestra. Yeah, that's not a pit. Oh, there's no pit. But we should still put Bobby in the orchestra pit. I would love to be in the orchestra. I mean, on stage two with like a chair,

you can see you with a cello. I would love that. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be like in pissing distance from him. Yeah. I want him to reach up and me to reach up at the same time.

Come on. That could be Bobby right there. Yeah. That could be Bobby. Oh, imagine if he had, hey, can you sing? I could go up and sing. So hot.

Those lips, man. Oh, he comes down. I haven't had lips in rock and roll like that in a while. I know. He's like all the lead singers in one. Yeah. What?

You're not wrong. What? He's not. You know, Christine is going to flip being of this kid. Oh, my God. Look at him. He's so mischievous. Bobby?

What, I'm sorry? That's not what you call another man? I didn't, I got caught a... He's not exactly what he's going for. I'm not going to act like this at the show, Jay. I'm going to get it all out now, baby. All right, also promising that if he gets this really good tickets, we'll hold up signs. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. What's your sign? What's my sign? Gemini? No, it's just a heart with an arrow through it and blood coming out the other side. That's badass. That's pretty nice. Bobby likes him when he's being a little stinker.

Yeah, like that his hips. Yeah, he's shaking. Is he wearing chaps? Yes. I should get chaps. I thought you were going to go straight leather pants. I was trying to get the leather pants. I was trying to get the leather pants. It wouldn't come in in time.

Yeah. Bobby, I think when you do comedy, you should fuck the mic stand more like this. I actually used to, and you guys made fun of me until I stopped doing it. I love that you bought an outfit for the wait list. This is going to be ridiculous. I don't even know. I don't even know what kind of music he does. I thought he was a rapper at one point.

I think he was a rapper. A little bit. And then he did the Ozzy songs. He did pop. He went pop. He went pop. He did Avril Lavigne. He evolved. He evolved into rock and roll.

You evolved from, you know, black rooms to what you do now. Yeah. Does he have his own album out now? He's got a couple albums. I couldn't be dressed blacker today. Well, your voice, your common voice. I'm trying to put a point of deal. Shig, do you think Youngblood doesn't have an album?

Well, he did the Aerosmith album. That's what you meant, right? He has an Aerosmith album. I know he's worked on other people's albums. Yeah, he's got his own. I'd like to be close enough that we can see. Do you see this picture where I can see where his dick hair is going to start? No, no, Christine, please.

Oh, right there. You can see his dick hair. Yeah. See where his dick hair is right there? Wow, yeah. I want to be able to make that out naked eye. Count them. Yeah.

I actually want to be able to grab two and make a necklace out of it. Okay. You know what? P.S. on that text. Oh, shit. Can we have some of his pubs? Okay. I don't think he's keeping them anyway.

That was in a movie. Angus, maybe. Angus? I remember everything about Agus. Jay is Angus. Man, that movie really hits me in a way. You made a comment about it two weeks ago and it's still here. That fucking that movie just dex me.

Yeah. All right, need pubs. Got it. Need pubes, thank you. Don't forget the T though. The T. The T, yeah. And there's any way that Bobby can get his hands on...

Go up, please. If Bobby gets his hands on his naked chest like this... Wow. Can I just... I actually want to... I actually want to just put my middle finger in his belly button like this. Why didn't you touch him? He was right here.

He was wearing a vest. Belly buttons covered. Sorry, he would have taken it off. He takes it off. Look at how many times he's taking this thing off. It's for chicks, man. Not a bunch of screaming dudes. He's wearing a vest.

Remember this pants and his vest matched? I do remember that. It's like a paisley. And a vest is the worst look. Unless you're him. Just vest is the worst look. But now, but he's in when he comes in the room. No, but here's the thing.

The way this guy is like his build, if I, if you can just give me Youngblood's body tomorrow, this isn't the exact way I would. to dress by any stretch. Your way to really make this look what I would think is cool. But it makes sense. When he came in, he owns that look. It makes sense for him. So it doesn't look weird

even though a vest is a really stupid look. Well, there's only two people that can wear a vest. Youngblood and Sebastian Mattiscalco. No, he shouldn't either. Sebastian shouldn't either. I want to throw my car keys when I see him put it on. You dumb dangle. You wear a vest. Yeah. Although we can all go. We could all commit.

All right, if it makes us get better seats, We could all commit to vests. We'll all wear vests. No shirts and vests. Or each person does a different village person. Yeah, well, B and Bobby are going to like fucking circus bears with our vest on, by the way.

Tom will also come into the building riding on beach balls. Like two circus bears, juggling and walking on beach balls. You're not writing this down. I'm not writing it down. Circus bears. We'll be wearing fezzes.

We'll be wearing fezzes also. Bobby, look, he's wearing your hat. And a half top. Oh, he's wearing the pinky ball. I'm going to wear my pinky blen. And your half top? Well, all my shirts that I used to wear are half tops. So I could just get an old shirt.

Look at his, look at his stomach is hanging right there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, he's probably got a monster hog. I bet he has a regular hog and it's uncircumcised. It is uncircumcised. Which I'm fine with. That's a culture. Yeah, I know you like to earn your food.

It makes you eat less. If you have to unwrap it, you know what I mean? Yeah, if you're going to undo the taco. I guess if you could subtly mask it in the text that Bobby will probably suck his dick if he wanted him to I don't think he wants him to But just let him know that like Just call it favors

It's a guy that would I would say before sucking dick A kiss Kiss Yeah I know you love the kiss Friends with benefits That's more gay If you just came backstage

And me and him were making out You'd be like ew Damn Bobby Bobby that's a big mouth though That's a big mouth Oh look at him's playing with his dick hair At the end he plays with his old dick hairs Look see

He loves pulling in his little dick hairs I would do that if I had a flat belly and little dick hairs rubbing your tongue Yeah All as we do is pinch our fat over our cox And hold on it Some of the hands like I grab the hairs Like all in a bunch with a fist

And I pull up and see if it pulls my gunt up If the hairs will pull the skin up And it does Sometimes It does I bet his are not as coarse Huh His is not a

I bet his are not as course Where was that question When he was sitting here Yeah Yeah quiet man It was too busy living Way to fucking show up five weeks later This is so weird

Look at just I open TikTok And it was Sebastian Nevas They're listening to us They're listening to us But a bing you put two in the back of their brain Also for no reason at all Tell them that since we met I did the Kevin Hartrose He'll know what it means

Okay Can I just say Liam I don't want to miss this bonding Experience I would like to go You would like to go Because you need a seventh ticket

God damn it But if six is all But I would love to Can you just add that I was on comics Unleashed At around 2003 He was Just to give you

You know the English always get stuff like eight years later? Sure. That might be a big hit over there right now. Yeah. Yeah. It is back, though. It is?

Comics Unleashed so you can say that. Oh, wow. Cool. Yeah, it's on like the Chuckles channel or some stupid fucking cable channel out there now. Are you got it? I got it. I got it.

I got it. All right. Repeat it to us. Hey, mate, what do you know about Forskien? I'm still waiting on that T. Tickets or else? We need six-ish, plus pubes, circus bears on balls. Yep.

And we will deliver favors one person was on the Kevin Hart roast. It's essentially. I got it. Is he the best? There we go. He is. There's a reason you've been here the longest, man. That's right.

20 years. 20 years last week. Hell yeah. That's right. Congratulations. Well, let's not start fucking up now. That's going to happen. All right.

Oh, are you up for your 20-year review? Because I might have some notes if this doesn't happen. I will report back. Thank you, Liam. Thank you, Liam. Remember, no means no, except in this case. And as soon as you know, let us know. Don't make us wait.

We got to get some dirt on him. We've got to be able to hold things over his head. I don't think he takes it seriously. I don't think there's dirt. He's just so clean. We can get dirt on him. We can get dirt on him. Absolutely.

We can make Paco. My move, if I went dirt on somebody, I make Paco lady boy passably. And then when he's in full, flown like gay sex with a person. and I bust in the room take pictures. It does not take a lot to make him lady boy passable.

I've done it with Joe De Rosa. And Joe DeRosa, he wouldn't allow himself to be blackmailed, so he just started fucking trans in regular life. It's a good tactic. It's a good tactic. It was like Louis Atherson came out of the closet because he was being fucking blackmailed. Right.

You know, Letterman came out with his thing. He was being blackmailed. He wouldn't be blackmailed that Joe DeRosa. He goes, now I'm just going to go exclusively trans now. Yep, you can't blackmail that fucking. gay man. You sure? As shit can't.

Bobby? Yeah. I'm glad to see you back in civilization. Yeah. I was worried about you. I thought you were going to get taken away by coyotes. Well, can I just say something? It didn't go as smoothly as I wanted it to go.

I'm just going to say that. Because I was coming off as maybe an expert in primitive camping and I got this and it's going to be fun. It's going to be awesome. I tried to send you a smoke signal if I told you so, but it dissipated by the time it got to you. I tried. It looked great when it took off,

but I think by the time it reached whatever dumb place you were at, it was like just turning the clouds. Well, I originally had Max and me going, and then I was like, I'll have Ari go. And I called Ari, and I was like, dude, I'm going to take Max primitive camping where we went before. He's like, I love it. I'm in.

I got to find out, but right now I'm in. And as the days got closer, he was like, I don't know if I can go. He went to a 50%. So I invited, at that point, I was like, let me invite somebody else. Yeah. So that it's, you know. When Max goes off to whack off, you have something to do. You only just sit there and wait for your son to masturbate.

That's strange. So I invited Joe Russell. Why am I fishing alone, you'll think. Max is whacking off. I invited Joe Russell. And then he said, can Olivia come, which is his wife? And I love Olivia. She's very fun.

Very, you know, she's a goofy girl, right? But very fun. So I was like, okay, great. Then Ari calls me. I'm back in. 90%. Okay. 90.

He goes, dude, I'm in. So do you tell us Olivia character to hit the bricks? Well, I could, I can't, I couldn't. I can't un-invite somebody. Yeah. I already invited them. And he was 90%. It does seem like you're going there with a family without dawn.

I'm like, when he was like, can I invite my girlfriend? You could have been like, no, this is like a man coming of each trip we're doing. Well, because if you invite Joe Russell, it's not really inviting a man. If I invite him and his wife, it kind of becomes a man. I don't know why it slipped me. I don't know why it slipped me that Joe Russell was going. I thought you were just bringing this Olivia girl. And I was like, that's a weird hang.

No, no, that would have been a great hang. I would have just sent Max on the tent. night night but so then and I want to Ari did a complete 180 he just turned around like he was in I'm going it's happening and already he's packing his shoot he's ready I got to ask you guys something and I want you to be honest with me I feel like I and this not might not be true but I feel like you and Christine had something to do with him not going Because hang on, let me just finish this. Now, I'm not accusing you of anything.

Okay. I'm, he went to your house Tuesday night. Yes. Monday, 90% in to the point where I got, I'm getting all his gear ready. Then he goes over to your house on Tuesday night. Yeah. And spends the night. Oh, you know what it is?

I showed him how great civilization is. Yeah, we have a nice guest bed. I do fuck up. Sometimes and show everyone how great civilization is and air conditioning and like TVs and stuff. We lit a fire outside. Yeah. Well, I'm just wondering. I'm wondering if it came up where he was like, I got to go do this thing on Friday with Bobby.

And you guys maybe got in his head a little bit about don't go. I don't know if I should go. And you guys are like, dude, don't go. You have a lot of stuff. Someone got into his head. I would say it was discussed not at all. even kind of, Jay? No.

Didn't you come out? No. I think anybody talked to Ari about your trip. No. Okay, okay. I'm sorry for bringing it up, but in my head I was like it went from 90% your house, which is fun house, which is snacks, there's bento dessert boxes, there's a pool, there's a jacuzzi, there's an outdoor TV. The dessert box is really designed for you when you come over. on you.

You don't do a dessert box with other people? No. Oh, it makes you feel good. Thanks. It shouldn't. I appreciate that. Bobby's coming. Bobby's coming.

Bobby's coming. We've got to get the trunk of desserts. Hey, one dessert isn't enough. We have to get a vento box over. What sauce? All of the sauces and everything you have to offer. But then he, Wednesday, he switched. He's like, I don't know.

Thursday, he's totally back to 50-50. And then Thursday night, he's 90, 10, not going. So I'm ready to go. Max is excited that he's going. I'm literally packing five bags for camping. And I kind of need him at this point to almost be a, you know, a pack mule. I got to put stuff in your bags that you're going to bring up. this trip and then

I'm on the phone with him till 1 o'clock in the morning trying to I'm literally have Max on the phone feeding him lines on how to guilt Ari you know I love you and whatever you got to do it's okay but I will miss you and it does bum me out

because Ari was only going for Max he was like do you really want me to go Max and Max was like and I was like yes say yes but Max didn't give a shit Max cared but not as much as I made him care

for an hour on the phone I can carry the shit to the point where I was like you're feeding him lies I heard you he actually heard me whispering to Max he's at one point Max fucked up I was like say

I really do want you to go he goes you go man if you want and I was like what I was like no no no no no I really want you to go he goes I really want you to go and he just fucking shot it out like a bad actor. So anyways... He's untrained.

Max finally was like, you know what? Look at me. I understand. And I was like, Ari, whatever. Hour on the phone, I was like, do you think. You're worried about it, but this would be a great time. You know you're going to... You know that you're going to be bummed out that you don't go

because this is going to be great. Ari's out. So now the next day, I just got Joe Russell's wife showing up and I'm packing all these bags. Now, look, if Ari came, it would have been great because Max and Ari would have went. did, you know, things together, and Ari's crazy. Max is a little nuts. He likes to go off and hike and jump in the water and all that shit. And I had to do all the work, right? So I pack all these

bags and I'm like, all right, let's go. We wind up hitting the road. We're going up to the place. I realize, oh, shit, I didn't pack hoodies for me and Max. You need a hoodie for at night when it gets cold. So I got to find them marshals. I find them marshals. We got to go in. There's two hoodies left. There's no hoodies anywhere anymore. The lady's like, they're all gone. We find the last two hoodies that fit us, literally, in all of marshals. Get the hoodies. Then I realized, I don't know if I pack the protein.

Not the protein, the propane. So I'm like, fuck, we got to get propane. You definitely pack the protein. So then we're going to go to find a hard way. Like, this is fucking everything up. So then we get up to the mountain, all the bags that we got the hoodies, we got the propane. We get on the trail. We're going on.

of propane. And we hike all the way up. And it's a nice hike. It's up. But then when you get up to the top, it's these beautiful waterfalls. Four of them that go into each other. Everybody's excited.

Then we go up a little further. Now what's the crew? You? Max. Joe Russell and Olivia, aka Hamface. We get up to the site. What is Hamface?

I don't know. I just call it hamface. I don't know why. I just made it up one day. We get up to the site. and it's nobody's there, which is great. It's just us. Does she have a very pink face?

No. I don't know, I just called her ham face one day. Big fat face? No, but I don't know. I just said ham face. Does it sweat? Is she a she a ham? No, what?

Oh, does she like, does she like smile and say a lot of dumb jokes? Like a ham? I think she really likes ham. And that's why I called the ham face one day. She was talking about ham. All right, I was like, all right, ham face. She enjoys a ham and a cheese.

I don't know if you ever seen the cheese show on you. that's their whole gimmick is cheese and sometimes ham and sometimes ham so we get up to the site sorry we get up to the site and it's now i'm i'm used to just taking care of me my stuff you know what i mean does she not take it offensively at all when you call her ham face no she loves it she does enjoy it you know she's just hiding the pain through laughter maybe but i don't think so no she's pretty she's very pretty yeah she's very pretty there she is but now all i can see is ham in her face That's right. Isn't it cool? When you see her, what's up, ham face? It's kind of fun, right?

He's not calling a pig ham face. So we get up there. I'm like, all right, I got four bags of shit to unpack. Tense. We've got a set up camp. So I set up my thing. Max is great, but he's being a little scutch. He wants to set his thing up near the fire, but it's on like a little slant to hill. and I'm trying to be, you know, teach him like, hey, if you're on a hill, I'm trying to teach him like bush crap shit. And he's like, if you're on a hill what? If you're on a hill, you have to have you a little bit of a slant. You have to have your head at the top or you'll just slide down into the tent.

And I'm like, you want. Gravity. Right. You want to be at, you want your head at the top. You don't want your feet at the top because the blood all rushes to your head and you'll be uncomfortable on that. But he doesn't give a fuck about that. He just wants to put the tent where he wants to put the tent.

and I'm getting I'm getting I'm tired I'm hungry It's like we got to get this camp thing Going so finally we get everything out and I realize I didn't pack me and Max's sleeping pads We don't have anything to sleep on and I just sleeping bags We have sleeping bags and I have and tent floor and Yeah 10 floor and and and Max is kind of bull He's like, what?

I'm like, I forgot our sleeping pads. Because fucking Ari... They start doing a good like... Dad. All I do is, you say, you're going to teach me how to be a caveman. That's pretty much exactly what he said. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was almost uncanny how he was reacting.

Well, you should tell him that the caveman did not have sleeping pads. I have 15 sleep. I have all this shit. But that's not primitive. The reason... That is primitive. Sleeping pads? Yeah, sleeping pad.

Never heard of that. Dude, I'm not a caveman. We're going to be comfortable. That must have been on the, uh, that must have been on the cutting room floor of apocalyptic. I'm not trying to do apocalyptic. I'm trying to, we're going up, the primitive part is that this is a propane. I was like, oh, well. Propane.

And can I, did you, when you unpacked, did you forget the propane or did you pack it? No, I did have it. It was in it. I had the propane. I was really curious. And we had hoodies. Don't put a hoot on the bottom of the bag. Good.

We didn't need to stuff. Because when I was taught... You should have slept in the hoodies. I was in middle of packing, and that's when I was dealing with the Ari's situation that I didn't want to deal with, that I didn't think I was going to deal with. But all of a sudden he's got this...

Well, I only have 13 days to get all my shit together. Listen, I understand Ari is the closest to primitive man of we know. I understand that he lives like he was fucking in a well for the last 25 years. But this sounds horrible. Well, the way I work, I'm very, because I have ADHD,

but when I'm doing something, I will do it, but you cannot, you can't say something to me. You can't talk to me? Like, Don't will come in when I'm doing something, but hey, can you? And I'm like, don't, you can't fucking talk to me

because I'll go down that spiral. Then I'll go down over there and do that. Well, that's fun, company. I'm not saying it was fun. I'm building a tent. He goes, hey, you think I should make a fire? Shut up! I'm building a tent and I can just build a tent.

I don't want to talk about fires or food right now. Again, pretty spot on. Okay, all right. I mean pretty spot on, dude. Nice. I get very, I get very militant. And I guess I'll just go sit over here quietly, like primitive woman. But I also like my stuff organized.

Like, you know, like Joe is using my axe, my, my hatchet, and it has a really nice sheath, a custom-made sheath on it. And he's just using the hatchet and I'm like, well, where's the sheath? He goes, I don't know. And I'm like, you don't, you know, you don't, you don't, if you have, when you have the sheath, you take it off and you put it somewhere, where you know it is or you'll lose it up here you know all that shit it drives me fucking nuts when people use my stuff you should have killed him with a rock that's what the primitive man would have done so now we set up the tents and meanwhile olivia and joe have a beautiful sleeping pad they have a great one they have pillows they have a great tent me and max have nothing

i bought two brand new pillows both of them had holes in them so i had no pillow so i had no pillow Primitive pillows. Well, one hoodie could be the sleeping pad, the other hoodie. The extra ones you have now could be pillows. Well, yes, that's exactly what you do, Jay. You take clothes and you put it in... Apocalyptic. So now we get up there, and I forgot, usually when we go primitive camping, we'll get some breakfast, which I did.

And then on the way up, we'll get, like, subs or some food. Primitive subs. And your primitive cooler with your primitive ice pack. Well, the reason why I will get some food, like when me and Ari and Joe went, we all got subs. So when we got up to the top, it's around lunchtime, we eat so that we're not hungry. You forget that you're hiking. I forgot to get food.

I forgot because we had to stop at Marshall's. And the hardware store, I was going to stop at Dunkin' Donuts. Everybody eat. Try to shit at Dunkin' Donuts. so we don't have to shit up there. I don't know which is worse. I should have a pumpkin donuts, dude. I never thought about that.

Yeah, which one do you pick? Oh. So, so, uh, so I forgot the food part. So we get all the way up there. We set everything up. Max, everybody's starving. But I only have enough food for dinner. I have mountain packs of, I have two mac and cheese,

and I have two chicken and dumplings that you You add hot water to, and it's freeze-dried. Yeah. And then I have- You love everything freeze-dried now, ice cream sandwiches. I brought those too, but that was dessert. Yeah, yeah. And then I brought sausages.

I think you're supposed to, now let me ask you, I know this is primitive camping, so maybe I'm just misunderstanding this. Did you hunt and kill those ice cream sandwiches? Did you have to follow the ice cream sandwich tracks through the woods and maybe smell them? Are you teaching Max How to track?

So Now Yeah Max Now go pluck this chicken And put it into dumplings So I have

And I have sausages But I told Dawn I go Everybody gets two sausages Put them in a bag And then it frees them So by the time we get up there They'll be unfrozen and ready to cook

She only put Two sausages for Max Two sausages for Olivia Two sausages for Olivia two sausages for Joe. She gave me a six-pack instead of eight, which I needed. So the girl can't eat.

No, I can't. That's what the primitive people would do. Bitch won't eat. You have to go out and hunt. Here's another thing that happened. Do you still have to go out and catch your ice cream sandwiches? You've got to check the ice cream sandwich trap and see if anything fucking came up. So Max, I, Max, is really bummed out that we don't have sleeping pads.

I finally get him over that. And then I realize everybody's hungry. So I'm like, fuck, I have one thing of rice that you just put into a, it's a pre-made rice. You put it into a pan, you add a little water, you stir it, and it heats up, and it's great. And I have the little, I have a stove, a little heating stove with the propane. So Max is like, Max is sitting like, I'm starving. I'm hungry. And either we break into dinner.

You should have given the straw, I'm like, go drink the river, son. I go, either I break into dinner, which is going to suck, because then when it's dinner time, we're going to be hungry again. or I break out this rice. So I make the rice, I hand it to Max. Max goes, hey, do you guys want some of this? And they both were like, yeah, we do. Like, everybody's starving. Like, it was turning into Lord of the Flies.

You should hold up. You should have been like, enjoy your sleeping pads. We have the food. You guys weren't out there long enough. It kind of went there. Okay. So, like, everybody's starving. So everybody's, like, eating this.

little tiny portion of rice that Max has. So then I'm like, we don't have enough food. I'm like, you know, there's a over at the swimming. We may have to hike back to subs. So there's a swimming hole. There's a beautiful like water fall with like a deep hole and it and this really granite rock that you can walk down. It's almost like a pool, like a natural pool that you can walk into.

And this guy was down there and he actually came over. He lived in the area and he hikes up. That's terrifying. It's kind of scary. I live here. Want me to catch you a fish with my hands? But it was like a kind of hippie do with his dog. And he actually came over and gave us some firewood because we had to start sawing, getting wood for the fire.

We had to, we get like a fell tree. And I brought my Japanese silky saw and my hatchet. But no pillow. No pillow, no sleeping pad, not enough food. Not enough food. And then too many hoodies. And you told Joe and. Olivia like I'm taking care of the food I told everybody I'm taking care of everything but the thing with

Ari while I was in the middle of packing everything I got sidetracked and it was too late so I was like I think I have everything but I didn't I didn't double I should have double checked everybody's bag and if you're a primitive camping I'd say triple check everything always why not so this guy could you get up there and you're like well we're out of subs and rice so this guy we're fucked you couldn't even see my smoke signal this guy goes to me I go um hey man how I was like willing to to go hike all the way down, get in the car, go get some food, like some subs or something, and come back. And I go, how far is the net and there's, I don't think I packed enough food.

I think I messed up for tonight. Everybody's hungry now. And I had a nice bushel, like three cigars lying out. And he goes, oh, those are nice cigars. I go, yeah, dude. He goes, you know what? I brought a sub up here. I was going to eat the sub up here, but I'm not going to eat it.

I was just going to take it back down. If you want it, you can have it. And I was like, what? He goes, yeah, I have a sub, a turkey sub, if you guys want it. I go, we'll take it. And I go, how about I give you a cigar for the sub? So he's like, that's a deal. So we bartered.

You're a well-paid, famous entertainer. I didn't have cash on me, bro. I had a credit card. What am I going to? Venmo? We had no cell service. We had nothing. We're in S-O-S territory.

I don't know you're bartering with some moonshineer you met up at the fucking thing. So he came. He came back. And I'm like, you know, it's going to be some shit. He came back with a sub. It was like from the 80s or 90s. Oh, I know what you mean. A fatso.

Buddy, you know what I'm talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about. It's four subs. Buddy, it's four. It's this long. And if you guys kill the girl, it's enough for all of you. You have to stop respecting this woman. He came back with it, and it was perfectly wrapped.

It was like this big, the whole French roll. And I opened it and the turkey. It was perfect turkey. perfect leth, perfect man, everything about this sub was magical. And so we gave us the sub. And as soon as he gave us the sub, we just started ripping it apart like animals. That's crazy. We were so hungry.

I gave them half. You got there for hours, not days. I thought in my head this was like a solo thing and you're going to, you walked back with the sub. Finally, finally some colors coming back to my lips. I'm food. James Franco was stuck with his arm for 127 hours. You had breakfast.

You had four hours. You already had breakfast in a sub. We really, we had a lot of chocolate croissants and queen of mons. You guys. And we had monkey bread. You guys were acting like you were starving in the woods, and you hadn't eaten for a couple hours. You hadn't eaten your third meal. You had been fine until the next day.

You didn't have to steal an old man's ogie. But you understand, when I do this in my brain, everything has to go in a certain... Look, we had breakfast packs, too, that I didn't want to break into because I thought we were going to eat breakfast. If worse came to worst, I would have just broke out breakfast and eaten the oatmeal and the whatever we're going to have. But I wanted to... You should have accepted failure, walk back down the mountain and went to Denny's. So it gets worse. Oh, my Lord.

So we eat the bread. I mean, we eat the sub. Everybody's happy. And then we're like, all right, let's go. They poisoned you. It took you hostage. That's what I was thinking. You know what I mean?

Yes. You took a hokey from a stranger in the world. That's how they allure you. In my brain, I'm like, who has a hoagie in the woods? That's fucking crazy, dude. And we're at the top of this thing where it's like, you brought a hoagie, which says one of two things. He knew how to lure you. Either that or it's really not that hot of a hike that you just bring a hoagie up.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I was going to walk up with a hoagy and eat. Like, it's an hour up. Oh, now I saw a family that must have been living there for a year or so because they were so hungry. So we all go over to go swimming And there's like a waterfall And the guy's jumping off Max jumped off the cliff into the

It's like a deep hole you can jump into And I went in the water was like 40 degrees It was like freezing It was terrible but once you got in It was like oh my God After hiking up and being so hot and sweaty Three full meals I hope you waited 20 minutes

After your third meal before you guys went swimming So then They cramp up Well, what happened to me was my knee was, I have a bet, my knee's been act up a lot. I know from when Dan Cook sacked you. So what was happening, I was coming down to the water. That guy was there and there was another couple at the water. They hiked up too.

I guess they day hiked up just to be at the falls. And I was all loaded up. I had my pants on. I had my knife. Lanskai was on my waist. That's the name of my knife. I call it Land Sky. And I had all this...

What's the behind that name? I don't know because the handle looks like land and sky, so I named it Land Sky. I named my knives. Okay. So... Where were you? I want to Google this place. Do any of them have, like, just read your names like Evan or Steve?

Max is called Dave. Dave? Daisy. Oh. Because it's yellow. Yeah, I didn't pick that one. So I wanted to go back and take all my gear off so I didn't look like a day. dickhead. You know what I mean?

And I turned and my foot got caught in a rock and I popped my quad and fell into the bushes. To the point where everybody was like, yo, you good man? And I was just... Oh, it sucks. They weren't even laughing at you. No. Oh, it's worse when they feel

bad for you. Everyone could have a good laugh, but they see that you've hit your rock bottom. I was in so much pain I had to just take it. I was like, I'm good. But my leg the pop, I could hear it pop, feel it pop, and it hurt so bad. So I went back, but then I looked.

Did anybody there smoke pot? They were on mushrooms, these people. The people that were there on mushrooms. No, but not Joe and his... No, nobody smoked weed. Oh, my God, this has become even more of a nightmare. At least at the end of this, you'd be like, all right, you know, dude, let's just drink ourselves asleep and hope fucking...

And if we wake up tomorrow, if wolves don't kill us, we'll get out of here and go hike to hogies. So then we go down the water, we all jump, it's actually great. Max is jumping up there. It's really great. What a great time. So then we go back up to start the fire to start dinner. And I realized that everybody, they drank too much water.

Like I didn't tell them to ration out their water. I gave everybody two liters, a liter each, two liters each and then another leader. But on the way up, they drank and Max was drinking. everybody drank the water. So now we don't, we're running low on regular water. I would have just used that water up right away too. You've got the river straws.

Well, the thing is, is I have my filter, my bee-free filter, and I was like, I'm just going to go get water out of the river. We'll do that. But when I got it, and I pulled it up,

and then I hung it on the tree, and I filtered two liters of water out. It wasn't clear. It had like a green, A needle on a turd It had a green tint to it Yeah yeah it's impossible what you were trying to do So I didn't

There's a movie about the future called Waterworld Where they tried to perfect this And the one guy who figured it out Was like the most important guy So then I was like hey You're pissing in each other's mouths Just to stay It's one night

You guys were fucking It's like you were fucking castaways So I Did you guys Did anybody think to fucking spell the word Help in Rocks or something? Maybe fucking plane would see you. So I'm like, look, guys, I don't know.

This water is a little, it still has a little green tint to it. It might be fine. It's probably, you know, it's supposed to filter out all the bacteria. But I don't know if it filters out all of the color of the water. Maybe we boil this just to make sure. But I don't, I don't want, we should ration the water what we have. And if we need to drink this, maybe we will. But if we don't need to, let's not.

You don't need to. Jay, drink some green water. Hey, have a little green water. Let me give you kudos here. I feel like this is a lot of me laughing at you. But I do want to say, God bless you. I don't know. You're more manly than me in these kind of things without a doubt.

But I don't know how much more. What you have that's impressive to me and very masculine, very sexy masculine, is you'll go try it. You'll try to do it. Yeah. You'll try to. If the cabinet. thinks if you just like I think it just needs a hammer and a nail here job you'll go do it yeah I still feel like I'm gonna fuck it up and I should get a man to do it right so I appreciate your

willingness to fucking go for it now go ahead I'm sorry so I gotta give kudos I don't want to just be chopping down the whole time because this is hilarious this is a this is a major fumble of a day so so so we wind up cooking everything I get the fire going I cook sausages on the grill Six sausages. Six. Right. So now someone's eating half sauce. You had to cut them all in half so it looked like it was on purpose.

It's only that many. But the problem is, is this Max can eat like a fucking horse. Yeah, shit's like a horseman we tell us. We're going to eat a bigger Dunkin' Donuts. So Max is just eating like a 13-year-old that, you know, has never-ending fucking metabolism. I didn't take that into account, too. You brought a growing boy? Yeah. So, so we cook, we get everything together, and then after dinner, they clean up. I got to go hang, I got to get the bear bag ready because we have to put all the food, toothpaste, anything, any bars in the bag, up a tree, up away from camp, so no critters come to the camp. We don't want any bears or any raccoon, anything coming to the camp foraging through our shit, right? So they come back. Can't bears climb trees?

there's a tree There's a tree branch that goes out Up high You throw the rope over there In the middle of it And then you Attach the bag And then you pull the bag up

And tie it off to another tree And they can't reach it And they can't go out on the branch To get it You know what I mean? Yeah So they just sit there staring at it Until you guys wake up

He goes Oh Oh, I can just eat them That is a possibility Yeah he goes Oh dude who wants chips when there's fucking, fucking four delicious steaks inside.

And one of them looks like a ham. One's ham. So I hang the bear bag up, which, you know, they went to clean all the dishes that cleaned the dishes out. And then I hang the bear bag. And then I come back. And those two were like, oh, we have,

toothpaste and snacks. I'm like, but I already fucking hang. I told you, I'm hanging the bag. That type of shit bugs me. It's like, dude, I told you I'm hanging the bag. Now I've got to go back, bring the bear bag down, put your dumb shit in it and hang it back up. Whatever. But then we get, it's getting really, it's, what?

I was going to interrupt just for a second. So did you all just drink green water? No. So what happened was, we ate dinner. I think if you put protein powder it's okay. After dinner, we're fucking dehydrated. Everybody's thirsty. We have, they have a little bit of their water left.

I have three quarters of my Nalgin bottle left, right? and we're really thirsty, and it's the only liquid we have. But we do have... Okay, people would have farted out. We do have the full bottle of greenish water. It's not green, it's a tint of green. Sure, it's green. That we boiled.

And they're like... The fire's on. It's a beautiful night. We're hanging out. Smoking cigars that I had. And the stars are just crazy. Nobody's out there. It's just us on top of this little mountain.

You have a Lexus hybrid. You shouldn't have to wait for boiling water to cool to drink. You shouldn't have to be in that position ever. Right. Well, we have to wait. So then they go, they get so thirsty that they're like, hey, maybe we should just try this water. And I was like, yeah, look, we filtered it, we boiled it, it should be fine.

Anything in there that could hurt you is boiled out. Boiled out, filtered out. but then so they drank it but I they didn't know that I have my water but I had a a secret stash of water I love that I love that and I didn't tell them I love that so then Max is like well I'll drink some of the water too and I'm like no I go no Max don't just drink this we have this water here Max if they die we have the whole hoagie well well Max Max is like no I want to try it I go no I'm like dude we got water just drink this he's like No, I want to try.

This kid doesn't take a hint. So they, Olivia, Hamface comes over and goes, here, Max. And he takes a sip of the water. And then he goes, he's dead. He goes, Dad, you take some. I go, no. And he goes, just try it. I go, I will not.

And then he goes, Dad. I like that you guys weren't camping for one night and you're going to die Oregon Trail deaths. So Max is like, Dad, we all drank it. Just drink it. I go, I'm not drinking. I took it and I poured it on the ground. Well, that's going to be very encouraging for everybody. You told to drink it at first.

I go, I'll be the test study. If everybody gets sick and I don't, we know it was the water. It's definitely the water. So then it's time to go to bed. It's like 11 o'clock at night. We all go into our tents. Me and Max are in our tent. And we have no sleep more.

We're just on the ground. And then I grabbed the water. I go, Max, I got water. And he's like, oh, okay. And then I drank all those fucking parasites earlier. I go, you stupid idiot. That's why I was telling you. don't drink the water i had a stash of water in our tent and then you guys got to work on a signal yeah

just listen to your fucking father for once in your life no is beaver fever they could get from the they could get beaver fever which is a which is a what's a parasite that's in your gut and it takes a while to get out in a lot of antibiotics oh i thought that's what christine calls her fan base since the bush thing the beaver fever yeah the beaver fevers so anyways the next day The world's gone nuts with beaver fever. I'm so like, fuck this. I go, let's just go. Yes.

I go, let's go. We packed up the tent. We got the bear bag. Me and Max, they actually had, like, Reese's pieces, and they had peanut M&Ms in the bag. So me and Max ate them. We didn't tell them.

We just ate their snacks. You ate their food. You tried to poison water, and you ate their food. You got started turning on each other. You were there for seven four hours. It got very low to the flies. It's crazy how primitive.

your behavior got primitive. Nothing you did was primitive. But then walking down was a nightmare for me because I tore my quad and my knee was hurting. I had most of the shit in my, I had the heaviest bag. So I had to go to, I had my walking sticks. So I had to go down. And then halfway down, I saw them going through their bag

looking for their snacks. And I was like, oh, shit, Max, stop, stop, stop. We got to tell them we snow their snacks. But they didn't find them. And they didn't say anything. So then we went down the hill, we got everything down, and then we went to this amazing diner and got pancakes, French toast, which is the best part of primitive camping.

The best part of it is when you're not primitive camping. Like the next day, when you go home and you get to go fucking, it makes you appreciate. So you bring Max to have a bad time, so he'll appreciate the simplicities of a local diner. Okay. I don't mind. That's a good life lesson.

Yeah. You have to call Joe and Olivia and tell them that you stole their snacks. No. So it's not looming because they know you took them. You're the only people there. Like this has to get, you have to clear the air. Now they think you guys are fucking weirdos. Yeah.

You're fucking lying little fatso's. Can I say? They think you're a weird family who steals food and an accident. You guys obviously know we stole your snacks. I'm sorry. I think Joe knew about the little secret stash of water in my tent too. I bet they heard you. Oh, they heard.

Oh, they heard, I mean, I couldn't stop. I was so dehydrated when I got to my tent. I heard you and Max, I'm a whisper yelling. Why did you make me drink the goddamn poison water? I would really have to make sure if I was doing something like that. Like my backpack would have everything. It would have extra snacks. It would have extra water.

It would have extra fucking everything. Electricity. In hindsight. In hindsight. Portable DVD player. I would have gave everybody more. You should have extra food, extra water, extra everything. And I should have did a little research.

I didn't. research the filter thing enough where I'm pretty sure you it filter out the bacteria that would hurt you. Just not the green. It was a tint of green. Wait, was it green after you boiled it? Yes, a little bit. It was a little bit, yeah.

It was a little green. You can't, like, boil it and then put it back through the filter? No, it's real water. I would have, listen, I would have drank it if I didn't have a secret stash of water in my tent that I knew about it. No, Bobby, you should have drank it if you realized no one was coming to rescue you and it's been 15 days. I would never, like, okay, just, I mean,

I'm not going to drink water just, okay. If you boil it, probably the beaver duty's not going to harm you. Probably. Probably. Maybe. I mean, if the world. I'm not sure why. Beavers are Jacob's biggest foe.

It's always going to be beavers coming for him. Have you dreamt this? I always thought one day the beavers would come for me. Well, I mean, it was fun, but it wasn't as fun as it could have been. With Ari and food? If Ari was there, I could have packed way more food. I would have packed way more stuff, and he could have lugged it up. And he could have went, well, I was setting everything up.

I like to do things a certain way and make sure it's done right. Joe, autistic, he's good at fire. Ari's good at stoking the fire. Ari, you know this. You went with us. He'll just stare at the fire and keep adding logs and keep moving it around to keep the fire. Joe's the same way. Joe just kept doing the fire.

That's what I'm good at kind of everything else. You know what I mean? I think we also had to stop Ari from throwing plastic in the fire. No, he just did. He threw the full pout of bottled waters into the fire. Remember that? Yeah, because he's not. He threw water and to see what would happen, to see if it would explode in everybody's faces

and shoot hot coals in our face, which is nuts. I didn't. I didn't remember it was that extreme. Yeah. I'm very, you know, I'm very particular the way I do things. I like to, I'll cook, I'll, I'll cook, I'll be that extreme. I'll cook, I'll do certain things good. But I can't be in charge of all of it.

I can't be in charge of your shit. Well, don't tell them you're going to be in charge of all of it. Yeah, well, we made it back. We had Max's birthday on Saturday. I came right back to, exhausted, and I had to go do it. Don just handed me a list of shit to do that I had to do because he had a big birthday party on Saturday at the house with Donald's friends. No, just friends.

And Don still makes the birthday party for like, but she brought squirt guns and a sprinkler. I'm like he's 13. He's not into... Yeah, he's going to be a nightmare. He's just going to get the hose and someone's going to get hurt. Bring all the kids in the room and play with those old stag films, like a black and white, just naked girl, just dancing around. Confuse them all.

She got cornhole. I'm like, they're not playing... They're not fucking 48. That's not the cornhole. They're playing. They're not trying to relive college. Yeah. What's wrong with you? Oh, man. Holy shit. That first hour flew by. Bobby Kelly. he's going to be at governors in Levitown.

That's Long Island, New York, June 19th and 20th. The Comedy Mothership in Austin Tejas, July 3rd through the 5th. After that, he's going to be in Port Smith, New Hampshire, Saratoga Springs, and Brooklyn, New York. For tickets in all of tour dates, go to punchup.org slash Robert Kelly.

Make sure you catch him any Tuesday night down there at the Fat Black Pussy Cat Lounge, the comedy seller. And check out his YouTube page at Robert Kelly Comedy. I got a video coming up of the whole event that I'll share with you guys. Please. We took video.

We documented pretty much all of it, except for me falling. Did you get you bartering with a man for a hoagie? I know. You guys ravids eating a hoagie? I didn't get that, but I have to send... The guy did... I did promise him I'll send him a package.

I'm just going to send him the exact same home to get hoagie back. Yeah. Just send him a turkey sub back. Turkey sub. Uber Eats. Send him merch. Big Jay Ocasin will be

at the Pantage Theater in Minneapolis. This weekend, June 12, and then the Egyptian theater in Boise, Idaho. The very next night, June 13th. After that, he's going to be in Buffalo, Harrisburg, PA, and Winnipeg for tickets and all the tour dates. Go to bigjeecom and YouTube.com slash at big J.okerson.

Oh, God, it's good to be home.