The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Prison Sex (feat. Ms. Pat)

Episode Date: August 26, 2021

Ms. Pat joins Jay and Dan the Bonfire and tells stories of sexual encounters in prison, which she learned from her corrections officer son.Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/Bonfire Follow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM @DanSoder www.DanSoder.com @BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com @ComedienneMsPat www.MsPatComedy.com#CrackleCrackle

Hey, I'm Big J. Okreson. And I'm Dan Soder and welcome to the Bonfire Podcast. Yeah, it's a podcast and it's also a radio show. You can hear our full show every day on Series XM. Go to series6m.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now, the Bonfire with Big J. Okreson and Dan Soder. We have a very exciting guest to have on today. Such a sweet heart. Look at Black Luke getting so psyched.

He was nodding early. He's like, you're a church nods, Luke. Finally, here we go. These are white idiots bring on a good guest that isn't just another white guy that looks like them. Everybody from the brand new Miss Pat show on BET plus. It is the hilarious Miss Pat joining us. How you doing? Yeah, thanks for coming on the show we wish we could do this in studio because you're fucking hilarious and someone that we would want to watch weird

In stupid videos with yeah That's usually what the show is I remember I did I did Jim and Sam with you in Montreal and watched you just annihilate for an hour and I was just in, it was the only time I got up early to do one of those and just enjoyed myself watching you make fun of everybody. Oh, yeah, we're both on there. Wait, remember me being there, too. Well, I'm sorry. Maybe shine a little bit more.

Miss Pat was fucking killing. She was rolling. I've always met Miss Pat through Ari Shafir, ultimately, who I still stand by are the funniest duo that hasn't happened yet in comedy. Ari Shafir, Miss Pat, because they have such a genuine love for each other in friendship It doesn't seem like they would even know each other In the world, but they are they're very close and their pants are back and forth Is Bizarre because she just calls Ari out on every bizarre thing he does. He's a weird bird. Yeah Yeah, I love Ari.

He said when crazy shit. When he said he told me when he got in the shit for the the Kobe tweet that he said he spoke to you and you were like, I'm doing what I can for you Ari, but it's tough. I'm working hard here on it for you, but I don't know. Ari is really a friend, a friend that makes you stand up for him sometimes. We're like, all right. I was like, why don't fuck you do that? Why do you call a black person first?

He said, nobody responded to Patti LaVale. I said, the bitch ain't Kobe. I said, Patti, not Patti, Rita Franklin. He's like, nobody said anything about a Rita. I said, she ain't fucking Kobe. Yeah. I knew she was going to die. I was like, how you doing?

You fucking asshole. Yeah, it would have been like doing it to a wreath of Franklin in the 60s. Yeah, a wreath of Franklin didn't bring LA five championships. Yeah. People respond differently to this. That's the extra black friends next time. Okay. Yeah. I can't come in with life. People respond differently to that. That's an extra black friends next time. Okay.

I can't come in with life. I was like, I love you art. Fuck what people say. They just bandwagers, tell them kids share it. Oh, I'm sorry, can I curse? Yo, hell yeah, I saw it on the road. Tell them kids share it. And I text them at least once a week.

And I was like, fuck them. Okay, you can come over to my house. Ain't nobody gonna come over to my house. It's fuck with you. I said, I said, I said, we fat, we eat you can come over my house. Ain't nobody gonna come over my house, it's fucking true. I said, we fat, we eat motherfuckers over here. Okay. Okay. Okay.

With the show, when you made the Miss Patcho on BET Plus, was it like weird getting adjusted to not cussing if you're like trying to riff and a scene or anything, or you like, I got to really watch my words. No, we curse in this show. I was gonna say a B T B T plus. Oh, really? You can cut on that? I was wondering.

Well, no, no, not what B T, this is the first sitcom that allow you to have grown folks language. Like it's like a regular conversation is like, send a comedian out of comedy club. We say, really, and everything. Nothing is out for them. I mean, we comedy club, we say, clearly in everything, nothing is off limit. I mean, we have really, we have really pushed

the fucking politics about school sheet. So, they pretty much let us push it, however, wanted to push it. It is based off my life, about 95 to 98%. So, we talk about everything. Yeah, that's gotta be, I feel like with sitcoms, that was the thing that started in the 90s and never got better where it was just a disconnect

where they were kinda trying to be corporate corny so they couldn't even when they would tackle a special issue, it was like, well no one's cussing so this doesn't feel like, Oh yeah, I was like NYP. They would always, I'm sorry. They would always go for the'm sorry. They would always attack, uh, uh, uh, they were always going for the top of it in a mushy way or Hollywood way.

Like I have, uh, uh, what is a pronoun episode, them, them, their, what do they call, you know, however they say it. And I, my door had one of those friends and we made an episode out of which is hilarious, but fucking regular TV is too scared to tackle it and if they do it in a machine damn Yeah, they're gonna make it real plain in vanilla just so that the sponsors don't get upset Well, they're gonna make it where you have to have that like take a knee heart to heart at the end of the episode Hey, I guess we're all there Yeah, that's.

When the kid, when my daughter told me he was, uh, what is it called? Non-gender, non-binary. Non-binary. Non-binary. And when she was like, he's non-binary, I was like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. And so he comes, the kid come over to the house and I counter, you know, bond with the kid and the mama was like,

oh, he just need to go to church and I'm like, bitch, get out of my house. That's how I get the kid, my mother house because I'm taking up for. Yeah, non-binary is like our friend DJ Liu over there. You can see smoking a cigarette. Like he's just a, starts some scratch. You can make him a woman if you want.

You can make him a boy. This is on the alpha. He's a boy. He's in on the alpha. He's a potato. Yeah. Put a wig on him. Put a wig on him. Some lip injections. He's a girl.

Don't do the lip inject. Sometimes the white women would niggle lips, OK? It really looks ridiculous. I mean, the more I would listen to y'all, I'm fucking about lips. We don't look like that. That's it. They're trying, that's clearly a copy

where they just get too way fucking too big and then they're like, oh, it'll go down. Dude, that is, yeah. We were talking about earlier, getting some Botox. That's the place you don't want to go. This is the start. We were kidding, but. I would definitely get light bisuction

and get a fat ass put in for sure. Get a Brazilian butt totally, but you know, what would you want? What would you mean with ass? That's mold shit. The white. Yeah. Hold my now there's plenty to wipe already.

I just want to shape differently. Oh, you want to get a butt molding? Yeah, maybe an ass sculpting, but I can't wouldn't do it. The recombinant flat. Yeah, it. The recoupting. Did your ass flex? Yeah, it's, I have an awful ass. Is it flex? It is, yeah. I said I got to put on belts.

I have to tighten my belts, like I'm going to shoot heroin into my dick. It really just to keep them up from my waist. Yeah, so we have a flat ass, you don't have anything to settle, you're just sitting on your back cause of loneliness when all you was down, it's supposed to be. Yeah, it's like it bends in half at one point and a crack starts. This is your open. It's not even a butt. He's a to white. He's a to white. That is true. That's possible.

It's where you just one swoop. No, but I would take a, I would take a bigger wipe session with some big old fat cheeks. So if we sent you down to like South America and got just a pretty seedy procedure done. No, no, you're not going to get me killed like Kanye's mom, dude. I need good surgery. Good surgery. You can't have bad surgery on my ass. Something terrible will happen to me. Excuse me. It's Kanye and mama was here. She got a miracle surgery. Those are the poor bitches going down there to Mexico to get the surgery. Okay.

But tell me if I was a, but it was a surgery issue, right? Why she passed away? You know, her body couldn't take the surgery. She shouldn't have it. So she had it done in America, but it's the poor bitches that's trying to get a discount. Who want you to like him with a dashboard?

I want to put you. Max, why if you said in the all the time, she goes, well, you Who wants to be like Kim and Cadastra, I'm gonna budge. My ex, why if you said in the all the time, she goes, well, if you want to do something like that or dental stuff, whatever, let's go to Columbia. I'm like, I don't want to be in some shed with rusty equipment. It's like mob doctors. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, my friend had a friend, my friend had a friend who just went there and she got back about two weeks ago. And this bitch got her stomach down, her titty down, and her arms cut off. But while she was there, this is how it is she is. She got evicted. I'm like, get you to pay your rent. You're going to a foreign country for new tits and you didn't get the lights on to come home. That's hilarious. She's out for God. That's so funny. She goes, oh my god. She's healing in some fucking in a tent and like a weird place

And they're like, oh, by the way, your cable just got shut off. Yeah, fuck you have to fuck out Make your American go to the doctor because they fucked her up so bad shit all kind of infection So thank God she had an infection so she had somewhere to stay for a while. Jesus. Yeah, that's the benefit You're like, oh, at least I'm laid up here in the hospital. I got a nice roof over my head. There are stitches were made with like twine and rope. Oh my God, it was all like Rambo medical work. Yeah.

I can't believe anybody would want to go like, yeah, discount, plastic surgery does not seem. Put a foreign object in my body in another country. It just seems. Yeah. What do you take if it goes bad? I feel like Miss Pad is someone that you would have to call before you do that decision. Or if I had to call her and be like,

I'm gonna get calf implants. Chesh... And I'd be like, what the fuck is chaos? Yeah. Like these skinny legs, these lack of leg muscles. Like, she'd go to the hood and rub from the police, it'll be a lot. I come back. I'm like a testimony for her workout.

After six months from running from the inner city police, I got leg muscles for days. You know, people, women just don't want their titties to hang anymore. I don't know what's wrong with them. I don't have a problem. My teeth slide across my stomach, like they got on the wrong streets.

You know, I Was that's a good titty when you can pick it up and dust it off your circuit. Who wants a titty that's looking at you like it's back to Rob Yeah, always just fucking straight ahead just staring at you. Yeah, we cut some it looked like it's been a fucking It's like it's like Joker titties. You got Joker. You got Joker scars on your titties We're the scars on the titties. They really can't make those perfect go away. Yeah, it's like it's like Joker titties. You got Joker you got Joker scars on your titties weird the scars on the titties They really can't make those perfect. Go away. Yeah, they're not parties always underneath just some just two identical It looks like eyelids like eyes are about to open You fucked a lot of fake bitches am you No, no, no, no, I have not actually I don't think I've seen a ton of fake titties in my life Uh, I mean, I've seen them like you know like between like strip clubs and stuff like that

but in like like if I haven't had sex with a lot of fake titties before I think they're weird most of the time Remember back in the day when you can stick your penis in between them and titties and go up and now you do that Shouldn't you rip that bitch $5,000 off. Like you're sooos. As a as a tit fuck enthusiast, I can't agree with you more. Dan's got a big huge fat cock so he's all about the city fucking. I have my little trepidations about it. I get worried it's going to be swarmed in that you know it's going to look like a little

green army guy going through a valley which is not. I don't know if I'm making enough impact in between them titties. If they're rolling around, if they're rolling around your stomach like they're on rollers of gates, when you gather those in the one spot for me to put my dick in, it's gonna be like now. It's gonna be like, you know, just say one thing. Sure. sure when a white man say you have a big fat cop is not being Yeah, I've been saying that for years I've been saying that for years I was I was telling you that right now. I feel that I know exactly where I'm at on the scale I know an exception to the role. That's not true. That's not your Kurt Metzger. Maybe me

not true. That's not true. Kurt Metzger maybe. Me and me. No, it ought to be. You never told him about you. I'm back. I hate it. I've been I've been trying to shoot it down for years. He won't stop me. He word rapes me. It ought to be in pictures. If he asked me, he word rapes me. And also, thank God I got a girlfriend because if he built it up to anybody else, it would be guaranteed disappointment. Black Lou, uh, actually had great news for us, uh, recently in his brand new son he has a new son hendrix

uh... was born he found out with a huge penis mausole mausole tough that's such great news i like hearing stuff like that uh... about babies yeah very proud of you and hendrix but i'm not just saying this i'm not just be could i'm not talking white guy big i'm talking dan's got a big guy. No, I don't.

Powerhouse penis. That's not true at all. And I hate that you say that. It's like you're lying to someone about someone's bank account. Because like Jay has millions of dollars. Millions and millions of dollars in his bank account. You have a girlfriend. She's like Dan, Dan, Dan, I believe you.

Thank you, Miss Dan. Thank you. By the way, if I was fucking, you're thanking Miss Pat for giving you a small dick. No, because she knows I don't have you miss me. Thank you. I'm by the way if I was fucking you're thanking miss Pat If I was you a small dick. No, she knows I don't have a small dick. I could have an average penis and that's fine I don't give a fuck Well, what if I told you I got a good a low co-pay where you go in and you get all the far, for bonus of that. Good or ex-stock?

That's not true. I hate that you do that. You millionaire, you're several times over millionaire. How are you correlating those two things? I don't know, man. It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable you're lying to people. Please tell people I'm a millionaire.

Doesn't change do you think? Yeah, well, then someone's gonna try to do a business investment with you. They're gonna realize you're not a millionaire. We had a, are you still in Indianapolis? I still live in Indy. Yes, I do. I shoot the show in Atlanta, Georgia. But I've been in Atlanta since I've shot the, since I finished shooting this show.

So you're still in Atlanta now? I'm home today. I'm home today. Okay. Oh, very nice. Are you gonna move? You So you're still in Atlanta now? I'm home today. Oh, very nice. Are you going to do a move? Is it going to do the LA or something like that? Fuck no. I'm going back to Atlanta. So I'm going to move out of the beginning of the year.

Waiting to see if I get a second season. I'm getting the fuck out of here. I don't like it. I love ending but I don't like it. I love it, but I like it. Yeah, over it. I'm gonna just know, call the diversity, no diversity. I mean, I'm from Atlanta. I love my fucking city. And I want to go back. Yeah, I did, Indian apolis, I said it, what I did that, what I performed that helium club out there, that that area town at night is

It's a problem waiting to happen. I said nothing like it's all big groups and waves and it said it goes from like It'll seem like it's all like black people and then all of a sudden the hipsters roll in and then like the frat boy white guys come Then a wedding it's always something fucking wacky going and every and no one seems to be getting along. Very very hot. I mean it's the same old boy shit. It's not enough to do here. So I come from a big city where it's a lot to do. And I'm never home anyway. So I'm looking forward to moving back to the lounge. What brought you to theapolis. My husband works in general mode.

And he makes the Allison transmission for the military. Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's a for the military. I've only been to Indianapolis once and it was just recently, like post COVID to work helium in that downtown area. Like Jay was saying, feels like a mall outside just everywhere you go. You're like, it's all chain, you know, like P.F. Changs, it's all restaurants like that and doesn't feels like a mall outside. Just everywhere you go, you're like, it's all chain, like PF Changs,

it's all restaurants like that, and it doesn't feel like a city city. I have a problem with PF Changs. Well, I love the food, love the staff. What? These people don't have shit to do with, get high and get drunk and go downtown every week. That makes sense.

That makes sense to why that energy's the way it is. I just go and walk around and see. So you just get fucked up on a Friday. And like, you want to go downtown and see some shit happens. It's bumping. Maybe go to a Pacer's game. That's all we got. It's all we got in the coach.

Are you a you stay a fan of all your Atlanta teams? I like football. Football is my thing. I mean, I like to see my other team win. But I would kick your ass about my losing falcons. Damn, how the falcons. Yeah, how bad. I mean, with that, when that super ball happened, how angry were you when the Patriots came back? I was at that super ball. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah, I've wrote a really funny bit from there. My sister-in-law was cheering for in the third quarter, I wrote a really funny bit from there my sister in law with cheering for in the third quarter share the heart attack and die and

My husband called me and said she had the heart attack and I was in bathroom when it was coming back You know, they just beginning Louis knew it was coming back and he my phone wrong He was like my sister had a heart attack. I was like do fuck your sister the falcon is about to look fucking soon But and so you, this game ended. He called me back and he's like, she died. I'm like, fuck. And so the bit was, at least she died with, at least she died thinking that the falcon was waiting.

She didn't want to Super Bowl. Yeah. That's like so much. I'm alive and I'm broken hearted. Yeah. She died on the way up. Yeah. Oh, they're up. And I'm out. Dan's buddy was a coach on both those losing teams. My buddy was the coach on the Falcons when they lost and then he was the coach on the Niners when they lost.

Mike McDaniel, he was the run game coordinator and receivers coach in Atlanta. I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch. I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the pitch and I was the coach on the Falcons when they lost and then he was a coach on the Niners when they lost Mike McDaniel he was the run game coordinator receivers coach in Atlanta Coincidence under Kyle Shanahan shut up. You shut your mouth. That was good. Yeah, he was good So when he came to San Francisco he brought my friend with him and I grew up a 49ers fan And so I went down and I grew up with Mike McDaniel. He was like I think we need to lose a Super Bowl

Shut the fuck up. This mean man. And then I went down. How bad is that travel day after the Super Bowl? That might be one of the hardest things I've ever done as a sports fan. You know what? I'm a Falcons fan. I cost him out.

I thread made Ryan everything. And I got on a plane and mixed in with all my Falcons shit. Because I was a falcons fan. Oh shit out of you. Yeah. That's a lot of fucking thing. I don't get full. I see. And you know, like I'm from Atlanta, we have a lot of saints. People there because of the trainer and they always talk shit.

And I have to remind them, do your city flutty. The fuck are you talking about? You're fucking city flutty. Are you ever talking about my fucking team? You motherfuckers. Your city flutty. You floated over here yeah what the air and a divisional rival you

fucking homeless piece of shit coming to our city is fucking shit I can't stand I'm fucking saying fans of my who that who that ain't got no home who used to who that who has ghosts in their stadium because a bunch of people died in it when they're a whole of people yeah I it when they're a whole lot of people.

I hate the care. Yeah. The motherfuckers. And black. They're champion. We want I said you wrong with cocaine and white being was legal. It's not wrong. You're not wrong about that.

You ain't one shit. DJ and black loose one of those Dallas fans. No affiliation of Dallas. Just someone is family like the helmet and areas. Where you from? I'm from Jersey, but the first time I ever watched football, it was an Emmett Smith play. And then from narrowed out, I just became an Emmett Smith fan and then a Dallas fan. But I was a little black boy and a black man doing this thing so I can understand it. Yes and there was no black players on the Giants? No, I actually lived in Columbus, Georgia at the time

and Atlanta Falcons were just terrible back then. So I didn't want to be Listen that was when then they were in the NFC West with the Niners I remember being division rivals with the Atlanta Falcons and watching but watching your team lose the Super Bowl and going to the airport in the gear Is the biggest fuck you can do because I had my Niners shit on in the Miami Airport just waiting for somebody and then I into Miami Airport just waiting for somebody. And then I heard two guys talking too far away from me to say something back and I was like, God damn it, this does sting. They were like, I had a great, he had a chief shit on and I was like,

you guys, that was a good game. You guys did real fucking congratulations and I was like, fuck all of you guys. Yeah, the Super Bowl, I said the only thing I didn't sort of equivalent was that game seven for the Sixers this year when they just laid down and got run over by the Atlanta Hawks weirdly enough And that was pretty horrible drive home, but again, it was like mid playoffs. It wasn't like the game

Yeah, I mean losing the game it could be yeah, are you do you have an affection for as an Eagles fan? I have a huge effect so for Michael Vic I love Michael big and I owe people all the time about he killed dogs I said okay, and I have to it's you live white people. I said okay, and your answer to kill my people But I'm not still mad at you get the fuck out of my mother fucking timeline bitch Okay, I could use that same one. I just say that he's I just say he learned and he's He's repentant for his mistakes. I can't say that exact thing. Yeah. You like Michael Vick?

I'm like, I like you and your ancestors own black people. Yeah. Right. And I go and I don't know. It's kind of complicated after that. Yeah, it's like it's a whole thing. I have to need paper and pen the jot it all down. Yeah, I love him.

I love him. I love him. I met him. But that I love about Michael. I met him. I was at the Atlanta airport and I was going into the Delta lounge. So I see this tall black dude with these shades over here. This is what we're talking about. That I was looking at.

And I was a liberal because like 10 grand. And I'm looking and I was like, who the fuck is that? And he had a hoodie on and you know, he black is here. And I said, I don't know what the fuck that is. I said, Michael did. And he turned around and he black his hair. And I said, I don't know if I'm telling you. I said, my good old man. And he turned around and he's like, yeah, I said, never. Well, you went to jail, I went to jail. I'm your biggest fucking fan.

He's a good old man. Look at me. He's a good old man. And I took a picture with him. I love me, some micro fake. Because I'm a convicted fellow. And I truly believe that everybody deserves a second chance Yeah, unless you try molester

Fucking just a cold bloody murder, but I truly believe people make mistakes in their lives And we should be able to forgive them instead of just fucking cancel them off a one-fucking mistake like that Yeah, and that's probably why it surprised them because he's probably used to people talking shit not being positive towards them You know, it's crazy that people still hold this like, and I don't say where are my Michael Victor as you sometimes and I get. I do. So some people have some violent aggression towards him still. And I think a lot of people don't know what he's done since. I mean, he's like a, then one of the national spokesmen for like stopping dog fighting is like,

I think he was made aware of what he did and Genuinely, I just had a different perspective on it and was like, oh shit. Yeah, this is I tell a bit about I'm fun and South and that's what we did if you didn't dog fight you fucking chicken fall all right, so Or you were gay Well, that was you wouldn't gay back then I'm not a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid.

I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid.

I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid.

I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. Because I need them now ladies, we didn't have no grocery and I want my new fucking only meal that night So I mean, and I tell it on stage like oh, I'm not the fuck you mean, you know, I'm a kid. I'm trying to fucking come up on a meal Yeah, but yeah, I did a little bit myself but nothing like he be my I made sure my dog was taking care Because if he was losing I put it nigga about the fight and I knocked the shit out there dog. Yeah

And I'm not the shit I did though. Yeah Just you couldn't throw like that You didn't have an arm like that. Yeah, if you could have broke the pocket and just fucking nail the guy 40 yards downfield You'd have the same problems you break the pocket. Yeah, Vic was dangerous out of the pocket. How long were you in jail for? How's it jelly here for a year was it terrifying? Did you get used to a quick? Did you hate every minute of it did time go super slow? Time went by it went by slow I mean kind of I don't remember I was young you know you stay you fucking your day went by fancy let you go outside you bullshit you play card and up you look up and it's time to go to bed. So I mean, I Yeah, I think what really slowed my time down for me because I had kids on the outside. So if I could keep my mind off my

Kids, I was okay. Yeah, right. But was it like a scary environment daily or did you find it just be now? I could I was young. I could fight. or did you find it just be now? I was young, got a fight. They don't know. I'm going to be scared. Why don't I take a nap there for me? Yeah. Rewatch the show. Jay got me and other people on the show

into a reality show called Love After Lockup. Did you know any ladies in jail that were writing the dudes on the outside to get like, you know, when they got out or for money to be sent to them? Um, people were sitting people money out. You know when they got out or for money to be sent to them People were sitting people money out. I was no, I don't know anything about that Well, I don't think that's because the internet I think the internet is what changed that I think back then like you get pan-pap and that was websites were all Convicts are just on them and you could talk to people like on the outside my brother

Tell my brother just got out of federal prison and well before that, he did like 12, 15 years in Brickley, jail. And so he said, what you do is to find a lonely bitch, you just keep dialing phone numbers until one of them will set you a collect call. And you're like, oh, there's such a such a little bit. Oh, I'm so sorry that you saw the conversation of this person. Oh, real shit.

Oh, no. He said, that's what the scheme was. And he said, you will be surprised how many lonely bitches would accept your collect call. And that's a new money. They're sitting you fuck. They come and see you. Everything.

Dude, that's just straight up. Bring stuff in. Of those, those, those, those, those sneak stuff into the jail. That's a, why? That's a dick cold calling right there. We're like, what do you do? What are you wearing right now? One lady on this show that Dan's talking about

that we watch is a, she gave up like her whole life for the guy. The guy was a prisoner. She was a prison guard and she got caught like fucking him and she lost her job. She went to jail for a year. She'll never work in law enforcement again like she lost that whole career path and he's at a jail and you could just tell from almost that's first day he's at a jail. He's like, I don't like her. Like now that he's out on the outside, it's like, yeah, I don't know.

No, let me tell you something. So my son works out of correction of facility. I can't say what you want. He has the funniest story. So this lady, they caught this lady, bringing in some stuff and asked her, they, what did you bring in, what was you bringing in? And she said, I was a bringing in nothing. She said, what was you doing?

They said, what was you doing with the man? She said, I just got this job so I can have some dick to suck. That is fucking hilarious. Just my son helped me fucking holly. He felt very, cause he was a correction officer. And he tells me, he's at the prison here where they have Mike Tyson, that Mike Tyson did all the time for rape. That's the reason they hear my here playing for Indian fucking hilarious.

Do you hear me? He tell me this crazy shit. That is so fucking funny. Just a woman admitting being like, because it's just a buffet of dicks and I can fucking see them all. And none of them are going to tell. Yeah, they can't. Yeah.

So he's saying one lady brought in one deputy. Not not get what you all believe his name out for me. I mean we're live on the radio. Oh shit. Oh, I'm your boy. Oh, I do have a miss. How does your bones got a rule brought in some drugs and help pussy and it's feet and it fucked the drugs up. So the prisoner got mad and fucking told her. Get stank. Because you stinky bitch you ruined my blow.

Get the fuck out of here. That's so funny. He said they told her because she fucked up their dope. That's so fucking hard. Hands on the baggy and they go, ooh, I don't want it. Oh, it's heroin and you're addicted. He's like I know, but it smells That is so fucking funny that is so fucking funny to think a woman that's risking her ass like that Gotta wash a push you're risking her ass like that. Gotta wash her push. You're bringing drugs.

Gotta wash that pussy. I figured she was gonna wash her pussy and she was like, I'm as well. I'm gonna stuff drugs and I was washing after. Yeah, she got to get it all out. What's the worst it could be down there? Oh my god. That's some of the biggest turnover women coming to the jail and having a sex with the prisoners.

Damn. That the guards themselves, I mean, the guards having a sex with the prisoners. Damn. That the guards themselves, you mean? The guards, the guards having a sex with the prisoner. He said that's some of the biggest fucking issues that they have there. And they try to get it. Damn. If I had an ex-girlfriend that was like, I got into the, I got, I'm becoming a corrections officer.

I'm like, what, why? Why? I don't know, just get sad to say. Cause I've never seen it take big enough for me to say no way. Man, he literally have me and two of these shit. I was like, what kind of fucking job did you have? Like he said, he said, one man tried to sue him for $10 million because he had COVID and the man said, he might give us COVID.

So the man, you know, because prison is super any fucking thing So he's the whole fucking frizzies He didn't weigh it but he put a lawsuit You know what now that you say that I'm certain thing who I would be on the inside It just to get my kicks I would just drop cases against the prison where I'd be like Cruelty because they made me stay in the hole for three days after I punched that guy Yeah, I tripped on the drain in the shower it is a different frivolous law suits

i don't know getting headaches from the lighting coffees too hot i uh... is it because prisons are privatized or something why is it that like some prisons i mean i don't know if any of us know the answer to this but it's just what luck of the draw if you do the same crime, depending on the, the prison you get sent to or the jail, like some of them are just those, you're

sitting in your room, 20 hours a day, you get exercise and do this. And then some of them have like, your cell has like cable television. Like when I used to watch that lock up raw show, some prisons are complaining, my fucking cables out get it fixed Or I'm gonna smear shit all over the walls and then some prisons where they take you know they just work out with Fucking milk jugs all day like there's nothing to possibly do Very weird like I think that's maximum security that's for people like Tam Bond and motherfuckers who they can only head out for one out like El Chapo Yeah, but even though I think some of them, but I think some of those like this

I think it's there's no rhyme or reason to why some of them have cells that have nothing in them and some of them have like TV and like Fucking George Foreman grill and shit. It's pretty wild Stay right there. Can you tell me a prison store? pretty wild. Stay right now. Can you tell me a prison store? What do you want about the memory of the second date? That's all them now. Can you tell me? The praying hands. The praying hands. Yeah. He said, the end of that cult, sucking another M.A. penis. He slid up on his bed. So he got

on his bed. The dude down on his bed. The landfires would be on his bed. So he got the dude down his bed So funny that he's so fucking Oh my god dude that's so funny that like your pray like your praying while you're getting your dick sucked No, I thought was the opposite was he's like you get his dick sucked. No, I thought was the opposite. Was he? Is that you get his dick sucked? Yeah, he's like, dear God up in heaven. Oh, God, I miss. Oh, God. Oh, God, oh, sweet God. Oh, fuck. I'm talking much funnier. I almost understand that. Oh, God.

He's like, right, yes, going to be cost you your nose. You go. What was what? What was you saying? People told him the other shit. She gave the whole, the whole dog the whole thing that likes. Oh, she gave. Oh, she was in a certain

of the. She was in a given head. White lady. Is she white god? Is she gay? Oh, it made lights. So that is so fucking funny. That is so funny because they they probably thought she was they're like this lady rules. She's going around blowing everybody. And then someone's like hey I said it should be going on in the fucking jail

Yeah, I'm just praying oh fuck We just try to pretend to do anything else while getting ahead was like just reading a magazine. Oh yeah, sneak fucking in prison has to be like you got to become an expert at that. If you're locked up for a long time and you're going to fuck in prison, I don't understand. Man, the flip of the switch of of gay sex out of jail being so like, you know, especially like that kind of like a Like that kind of world. Yeah, would be so like frowned upon in jail It's like yeah, I'm just fucking dude butts cuz just trying to get by you know I'm here for a long time I'm like, ah still still like you have to still wrestle with that in your head

Like how did I get hard for that guy back there even if you're the tough one You're like what happened back there that was even able to work. I just wonder Now using me to make some Like on night shit. I do on night shit because lights out So they say one office she put a two milk off everything in a radio she's downstairs. Then banged out in doorway. And he said one officer took off her bill and she was then again banged out. They were running a trino. She didn't let

these niggas out to sail. So they can have a three. That is so funny. When you hear her come to your cell with the key and you're like A lot of trust you're putting those guys Damn damn you yeah, when you're a woman like that and you get fired for getting you know double stuffed while you're on the Hey, did she get fired is this like Barney Miller like no one gets fired ever they just keep like That's just Jessica. I think you know, guys, oh, he said the funniest one with the praying in it.

In 60 years, oh, he said one was 60, one was 21. What happened? We hit him here in the 60s. I was like, okay, we have to be like, well, he did what he did. That was it. So that's the 21 year old. He's like, we didn't know that, oh, that was a motorcycle ride.

He was in motorcycle club. So he's like, well, motorcycle riders gave me one. He said, he said, he said, he said, this did come motorcycle rider making money. That's so fucking funny. Motorcycle riders really get me going, something to blow. I didn't care if he was 60. I told you, I told you, I told you,

I told you, I told you, I told you, you were like motorcycle rider. Yeah. Really get me going to blow I don't care if he was 60 You're gonna be like I'm a hell's angel doing this died hair. I have I'm asking for it If there's one motorcycle club, I respect it's the hell's angel sir Let me suck your old dick if someone if you get approached in jail if you're an inmate and someone approaches you That's terrifying. Yeah, and you're like oh god I'm gonna get fucked by this this guy's gonna try to fuck me and then he goes you goes Let me suck your dick. You'd be like all right first things for you your shoulders drop a bit because you're like Okay, that wasn't as I thought all right first things for your shoulders drop a bit because you're like okay that wasn't as bad as I thought I was okay all right I have a threat now how do I jostle out of this one it seems like it's so much less like or if you're just bringing up an

activity that you do and you find out it makes another man horny enough to suck your dick yeah you know I used to be in the hell's angels and he's like what well there's not a time that anybody around me doesn't do something where I go do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Yeah, they tell me. They come in there and they tell these guys about their relationship. Probably we have one chick, she, uh, speak of her husband and I'll tell them on the, he found test mess. This, I've heard a talking to the guy from the GTM message. So he called it to the prison. Like, hey, my wife is that time. It's a hidden.

Huh, the, she said one lady was a officer and a husband found test mess. So she, he called the job say this bitch cheating with a officer and a husband found text made so he called a job say this bitch cheating with a nigga and Jay. She got pregnant about in me. No, well, my God. If you're the husband and your wife comes back and she's like, I'm pregnant also definitely not yours. Also, it's a guy who could fuck your shit up.

Well, it's one of three guys who could. I was getting gang bang. Sorry. Tuesday nights I let three of them out of their cell. And when you play catch me if you can. Fucking wild. What a mad trust you. And getting, if I found out my girlfriend worked at a prison,

I would be like, I don't trust you. I got it. What am I doing wrong? Dude, that is so funny. Man, that's going to make me laugh. Just knowing that women are going in there if Guys did that there's not male CEOs don't do that right? They don't they do they do they go to fuck female prisoners. Oh, I have to

Yeah, okay, no, I think generally speaking. I'm sure that happens a lot. Did you know? That's why a lot of You know what we want to watch out if a woman's trying to become a corrections officer and she is Busted ugly you know she's getting that job to go she'll be fucking within the week for sure Sure, that's why the The best looking guys in jail aren't gonna hold off any like they're not gonna be like now. She's ugly I won't do it. No way. They'll just do it. You can fuck way out of your league in jail. Oh definitely you can definitely fuck up in prison looks wise you can fuck way up. Okay, but I have a problem. So you think ugly bitches can't get

fuck. No, no, no, she's pretty to somebody. No, no, well, not everybody. Now there's some people that are massacre. Now, yes, they are pretty, they are pretty somebody, somebody who's locked up for a long time For everybody she intimidates them. Yeah, it's just too powerful. That's 700 pounds drop of shit. Is it intimidating anybody? Yeah, you know, you can move that above ground pool anywhere you need to go. That CEO, my fucking, take your money. Oh, Miss Pat, you are absolutely hilarious. We love having you on the Miss Pat show. Out now on BET plus everybody, it's real.

Oh, it's in episode. It's hilarious. Go binge it. Go binge watch it and then go to miss Patcomedy.com for live dates, Miss Pat. MSP. MSPATcomedy.com for her live date. She is one of the funniest people out there.

Go check her out live. She's fantastic. Watch the show. You've been listening to Sirius XM's Bonfire. New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on Sirius XM. Damn!