The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Quarantine Bush (feat. Justin Silver)

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

Dan & Jay pledge to grow out their man-bushes until the quarantine is lifted. Jay gives his thoughts on Feldog's motivation behind "My Truth:The Rape of Two Coreys" Documentary. Dan discusses how he will reveal the secret identity of his girlfriend to the world. DJ Lou confesses to facetime sex with his girlfriend.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hey, I'm Big J.O. Persoon. And I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM.

Hi, this is Jacob and welcome to the Bond Fire Best of the Week. Life isn't easy for anyone these days, which is why Dan and Jay committed to growing out their man-bushes until the quarantine is lifted. Hmm, speaking of funny, say that I watched Jackass three last night. Pontius shows dawn in a few times. Totally shaved dick. Completely shaved. Yeah.

It's odd. It is odd. To take it once. Years and years ago, not a good look for this guy. Oh, it feels, it, not a good look for this fellow right here. It looks like a, like, it's like farmers to him for some reason, like the way when you shave your whole dick it just looks like the part of your arm that never saw

the sun. Although black guys, it works out fantastically. Yeah. Black guys. So, you two. Shave dick black guys. Fantastic. White guys just looks weird.

White guy with a shave dick dude, especially if it, maybe not even so crazy, even if it's like a tan tan guy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Maybe like a Justin Silver in the summertime could shave his dick, it wouldn't look bad. But like, yeah, on a hot beach vacation. Yeah.

You could go completely. But yeah, Pawnee is, he's got a nice fucking hog on him too, but it just looks weird with no hair around it. It's odd. Completely bare, a bear boy. Yeah. Dude, I couldn't be a bear boy. No.

90 My Brow. You need a hair above your dick, yeah? 90 My Brow. I feel the same way. I know that's weird as a girl, but there's something, there's something about I did it one time in our relationship. I waxed my post bald and I looked at it and I cried.

I hated the way it looked. I thought I looked like a very extreme. It was extreme. It was extreme. I was like, I'm stuck with this. For some reason, I'm also the other person who's seeing it goes, I actually, it looked pretty cool. Yeah, but it is.

I wish you would do that like once every couple like six months, something like that. It's a haircut. It's too short of a haircut. It's just too. I'm like, this it is. I wish he would do that like once every couple like six months, something like that. It's a haircut. It's too short of a haircut. It's just too. I'm like, this looks weird. Yes, it is. I wouldn't want to do it, but I mean like, yeah, I thought it was great. I used to younger, I was so disgusted by hair until, as soon as hair started coming in

until I was like 18, I shaved it all off. Like I wouldn't even let it grow out at all. I thought it was gross. We kind of, we kind of touched on it on our previous quarantine tapes, but when I was in college, I would shave my, you know, like a buzzer. I'd shave my balls in trim. And then one time I was astound, and I had, I cleaned the razor or the buzzer or whatever,

and I shaved my forearm here, just like, up, just buzzed it. Did that once too, my hands and fucking yeah, and it was so dumb looking It's so dumb looking you just the skin is so bright You don't realize and that I went to this beer festival in Colorado with my friend Carrie and she was like Did you shave your arms were smoking cigarettes? I was like shut up. She's like you shaved your arms Yeah, I'm get tons of freckles, my arms are all freckles. It's, no good. No, never did it again. True shave our, oh, you don't have any hair on your calf muscles.

Look at that, that's completely bald. Well, that guy, that's fine. Yeah, good, in shape guys, it looks like. We're seeing, you don't mind that. I think it's a little weird, I've been with like a guy that it looks like he's waxed the whole area and there's something a little feminine about it.

You do that. Little boy. Just some random. Oh, a random. Little boy wax. It's, I was gonna say, I thought you were saying you had like a long term sex partner or even like, you know, a multiple sex partner who had ball dick

and didn't like it. That's gonna be worth it to see every time. Yeah. Yeah. That's got a worth it to see every time you go. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's got a great tick. But what a dumb, yeah, dude. I think that looks stupid. It's weird looking.

It looks like it's trying to camouflage into his leg. You should have a dude. What a birdie. I'd say what? And if you're small enough, God, you could look like a real boy. Yeah, if you fucking, if you shave it, if you, if you you're doing nothing like that. Yeah a bare face and a fucking bald dick Yeah, like I'm little I like water slides. Yeah odd

Odd to say the least But everyone's growing their bush out because it's the quarantine. Yes, it is. Oh, it's gonna be heavy bush times coming up grow That will you moment that woolly man with we're talking about the other day but you never really answer to are you gonna do something in the interim you're just gonna fucking wolf it as long as we need I'll probably trim and shave you think you will shave yeah yeah well since I started laser hair removal I couldn't wax anymore so I started kind of shaving when I normally wouldn't I didn't think to bring my razor with me to my girlfriend's we have so many razors. I can send them with you.

I'm going to push it out. I might need it when I come over to, when I, when I burrow into the quarantine zone, just come over to, come over to clip your beans. That's it. Clip beans and take off. Go home with a new shorn. Shoot a clip beans, guys, and see if you guys have a box of raisin brand I can take. How are you guys doing?

I brought you flares for when the city shuts off all the electricity I've never ever ever let my bush grow like to its full potential Interesting to see what happens we just go full on out from here for the next eight weeks full bush full bush Fucking everyone full bush everyone go full fuck dude. I haven't had long hair on my nuts in a long time. I got like short. There's two reasons we should go quarantine, but never long. We haven't done it a while. Number two, when the quarantine lifts, there'll be that like summer haircut feeling of shaving. Yeah. We should also be well, we'd both be willing to pull a nuts out of the zipper Total of our beans down. I got we I got weird balls. I got turkey neck

I got turkey neck balls. I wouldn't show my dick. I would show my my We talked about this with Ari balls are different than dick. Yeah, you're not seeing head or shaft But you'll see a full nuts that I'll say that right now. I'll show you a little fuck. I'll show you a sack with hair on it. Yeah, he's sack is nothing. You want to see my beans? You want to see my marbles? That's fine. We're just fucking great.

Yeah. But everyone, let's start that in the Facebook camera group to post stuff where you do your week to week update picture of your nut bag. Oh, dude, it's so cool, take it. Or I guess your couch. You can do top-rich couch above the hood. Yeah, where's this thing? Yeah, if you don't have to show fuzzy if you don't want to,

but like it's a- Get your equipment. Quite above, but we're just talking about above. Let's go back to being monkeys, dude. That's like growing out. Let's grow it out and then we'll fucking- Everyone who agrees. And then everyone will be the vacation attitude.

Everyone will have when the quarantine lifts and we shave our balls and Vaginas and everyone's all like you know everyone's crisp They're all should we put this episode out like sooner. So we're gonna start getting their gauges in It's like should we release this on Thursday? Just start from where you're at right now now I got I haven't shaved my balls in a probably a week anyway because I Didn't thought about it. I've gone about We're saying we're we're starting now. Yeah, I'm

Got some scruff. I'm I'm not clean. Yeah, I'm not cleaned up. Christine I would say not even worth taking part in it ultimately because you have bush anyway So it's not gonna go crazy where it's at do you know? I mean, but like people going from like that usually handle it to not handling it. It's a funny thing to follow. Yeah, I'm wondering. I'm just You let it post it on Facebook, right? Probably not. Now, but we can, you know, Reddit,

Reddit it all out. Let's get nuts. Put your nuts on Reddit. What can you do? You can do it on Twitter. Twitter you can. Twitter you totally can. For something like this, Reddit probably would be the best place. Just to put on a red and everybody comments on the thread with their own pictures.

Yeah, I don't use it. Yeah, I know. You know, you gotta wield the fire. No, I don't know how to use it. Oh, just click. I'll show you once we start putting our nuts up there Okay, once we get our nuts up. Yeah, I'll go to the nuts thread dude. I'll do nuts and beef Yeah, nuts and beef thread. I'll send you but that would be fun to do a quarantine

Crosbyrred You just grow it in yeah Which I'm gonna call it fell dog wouldn't cut off that lock until he got justice for him We won't shave our bones your balls until we're allowed to go out into the world again or I die on a ventilator After their decision Justin silver joined the show to discuss terms for being part of the no-shape club Did our second guest of the quarantine tapes? It's the beastmaster Justin silver. What where is this microphone been? Everywhere it was in my ass It was it my ass.

I think it was in his mouth. I don't even know what that is. He's covered in blood and the remnants of a wet wipe. My guest, Deroza Ari, and I'm much more making a hang. We're not allowed to have legally. Deroza was like, I can't come to your house. I'll get sick. Did you get a fresh haircut before the teen?

No. I got it before this. Before the quarantine? Before the teen. Yeah, I got it before this for the quarantine before the teen. Yeah, preteen preteen. We refer to this as preteen. Well, no, four times a preteen. We're in teens. I got it. We're teens. We're teens. We're teens right now. You look good, dude. You're creating this apocalypse looking like a hottie. We're growing our our our crotch beards out. Yeah, we just Justin, Justin, you want to end? And we're going to post pictures weekly of the updates.

We're going to try to get everybody in the campers. I don't know about weekly updates, but we will put a picture of a ball. Can I say, here's the problem with that. Because of my man's shaping regimen, I'm going to have like a hard line from like the, the stomach area to the bush. And then it's going to look like, well, when I have to even, when I'm talking about, maybe I could do like a city scape on the top of the no wait, just that would be dope Justin are your balls Generally bald right I know Dan doesn't want to see this but you will yeah your balls are balls look at that. Yeah, it's like an egg right mine

Two yeah, it's like an egg mine to you shaving that's yes, that said that's the point We're stopping that we're gonna see your ball beard get long my ball beard is gonna Damn pull it out I got like you know let me see it's bald You got a thick seam dude you look like gods did you're not back up with yarn You're gonna fucking toy from the 40s you got fixed it home. You got good vascularity. I think it's like a treasure map Like math quest direction tell me there was traffic in a lot of areas Traffic I'll tell you what yeah, proceed to the highlighted room. They're all highlighted

Anyways, you're why do you shake do you do it in the shower? I have a no shower I do it before the shower with the buzzer. That's crazy. Wait a second You go buzzer on those. Yeah, what do you put your bean hairs? What do you mean? I like pull it back so it's tight and then I buzz down it I don't use a razor. What are the bean hairs? Wait, I paint the wall. I've told you this before I stretch Long and then I paint the wall like hook fin. Yeah, I I squat in the bath I did this when we were in Denver. By the way, I'm sorry to the comic who is next in that bathtub.

You know, I'll take a bathtub. Like, I'll take a bath no matter what kind of hotel we're in. Yeah, I could always fit in it. You can put me in the top of the toilet. Just to tell you the carrier. You can put me in the top of the toilet. Well, Dan was saying that I was basically the... They called them the outbreak monkey.

The outbreak of those final joker. He's like, I was in China you know exotic means It's not necessarily eggs in me. There's an exact coronavirus. Yeah, I'll squat over the bathtub And then I really I lubricate them with condition. I used the conditioner shave And then I just go with the buzz razor, but if I use like clippers a buzz razor, you know the razors that that virus got it But if I used clippers I catch the skin. Oh, big razor you know whatever Gillette I guess it is and I just fucking I stretch out like a straight flat area and I shape what is the most effective ball shaving that's the most effective is the razor I'll tell you what we're gonna have weeks to find this out because we're going to

borrow a ball or ballboard ball beards Okay, so that who's doing it? Right now, just so far three of it. We're gonna put it into the campers group and see if girls want to show what their quarantine bush is gonna be. You guys have girlfriends. Yeah. Yeah, I still like, I can't be like, showing up. Are you gonna be hooking up during the team?

Yeah. How are you gonna be meeting women in the team? I'm gonna fuck them in a hazmat suit. Yeah. It's like, it's like furry. I'll tell you what. Yeah, how you gonna be meeting women in the team? I'm gonna fuck him in a hazmat suit It's like it's like for you what stick you've excited through the envelope window in my door you get your balls near some strangers You're gonna want that protection of a thick thatch yet you know tell it yeah, it's a good point You don't want the but here's the problem hair shield. Here's a problem. My fur will catch their dander and then we in my you know Be in my long then you'll be a carrier We'll catch their dander and then we invite you know being my

What do I do now I get it webcam? Oh, are you thinking about webcam? We're talking about yeah, we're talking about who we know We're gonna do some web cams being Dan I'm just like We're gonna sit on underwear and just put it up on cam soda Yeah, just do bonfire on the way like this. I'll just sit like this and just put it up on cam soda. Yeah, we'll just do bonfire and onto where like this. I'll just sit like this in my underwear. That's that out, man. We might onto where like this. Just be like, hey boys,

they go half chubbed up. And then just read names of screen names that show up in our room. Oh my god, Emperor nothing, 19, 19, 19. You are awesome. What's up, quarantine, TEN steam. Pour some sugar on me, 639. Pour some sugar on me, 6 three nine thank you for the tip. You guys want

to watch me do Rodney Dangerfield or I thumb my butt? Oh I'm going yeah there's a tip. Hey you guys want to see me far out this candle? J gave us thoughts about the motivations behind Corey Feldman's new documentary The Rape of Two Corries. And after that Dan described how he would reveal to the world the secret identity of his new girlfriend. You're saying the negative stamp that he leaves on this is like what are you trying to get out of this?

I don't even just like why did it have to be this like, premiere event at a fucking one theater in LA and then the pay-per-view all over the world? I just said the whole thing was just like, here's what it is. If they go, hey everyone, like, I know something you can do at home to genuinely 99% protect yourself from coronavirus. Like, what is it goes?

What's the worth for me to tell you? It's like, they just tell me, fuckface. Like, what is it goes? What's the worth for me to tell you? It's like, they just tell me, fuckface. Like, what do you mean? You're gonna make me pay to save my life, like for sure, like, if it's something I can do at home. Do you know what I mean? You say, what's the information?

Where do you get me? Or do you get me? By the way, you can do that. And a lot of people would do that. Yeah. That's the big argument always when I said, I've heard Dave Smith and Rob May or two friends argue over this

On one thing being like to or to and again the are like the polar opposite like arguments about you know Dave Smith's libertarian so he's very We should uh the road should all be privatized like if you don't government handle the roads infrastructure like people would handle it And you know it'll be like Dan Soder highway but you have the highway that goes from this town to this town right pretty badass Rob Mayu goes well how long before somebody goes but if you want to ride this road I have to fuck your wife and Dave Smith's like I mean really do I get it I get Dave Smith being like that's like extreme but somebody but here's like if it's you could do that you could do that. You could do that.

I feel like, yeah, if you want this, give me your shoes. Well, it's my, you don't have to use my road. Don't use my road. Yeah, but if you use my road, give me your shoes. Or you can go like, you could use my road, but it's a hundred dollars to use my road. That's a tollway. Do you know what I mean? Right. For sure. But I'm saying, but tollways aren't a hundred dollars Because if you say they can't tell with that for my hour long road You need it's a hundred dollars. They kind of dealt with that in boardwalk empire Where they're like they had the road and they're like trying to control it before the government got involved And like yes my road between Atlantic City and New York like I have one of the roads. Oh

Actually like only control by the family. Yeah, I think it was season three or four with Bobby kind of all day I said that name right? I'm a rock empire. I don't want it. That is. I'm like in the show take place in a time where guys fought with their the backs of their fist facing you Come on, Jay. Yeah Come on slag. Yeah, man, I putter right there. I didn't like that meant for. What a pain on you. Men fought and suits.

Yeah, yeah. That's weird. It rolled up sleeves, never taking off their vests. Yeah. Shane texted me that he loves me. So there you go. For those of you that were worried. What a suck up.

And my girlfriend found out that she was around someone that tested positive for real. Yeah. But she's been quarantined for 15 days already, right? Yeah. Since then? Yeah. Well, I've been coming and going. Yes.

And I'm here. Yeah. Thanks a lot, Dan. Hey. I almost, I don't wear a lot, but I almost just said thanks a lot than set her name. Well, we're not, that trust me damn's gonna break. Yeah, I will be revealed Yeah sooner than later on the bonfire guesses are are a foot There it got it in the room, huh? They've already gotten it. They got it on reddit. No, I know I actually got a great

Someone making a guess and they go dude huge fan like the wreck message fan yeah dude huge fan love you guys because it's just like I just drive you crazy I mean I won't say nothing like mom's the word but it's it's this person you just like Jesus I like like but you'll give it like I you know we don't know each other hey dude we've never met I won't tell you that's a funny thing you'll do you'll give up your friends personal information that's a funny thing to do As someone you don't know where you just where you go into the trusting thing you go. Yeah, I don't know I'm not you can tell me I've never expected a stranger to just have blind trust in me as I win in any stranger

No, no, no, no, tell me that thing that your friend, you know, feels like it holds a little bit of privacy in his life It eventually sure as the situation becomes relevant he will fuck all that shit. He's telling me. Is that not cool? Fuck all that shit. Give me the LD dude. What's the loading? Well she like once we reveal who it is show be on the show.

She's not like other girlfriends. Oh yeah. No, that's great. She's not like other girls. No, she's actually funny and tells great stories. That's your first great. She's not like other girls. No, she's actually funny and tells great stories First clue she's not like other girlfriends. Yeah, is the answer because she's a man. Yeah All right guys my boyfriend is Shane Gillis We may have you guessed it hot sweaty hammy sex

Like two sandwiches without bread, you had thrown into each other. Oh, two weeping hamms? Oh yeah, dude. Two Walmart ham sandwiches. His girlfriend was in deep makeup, so we've just heard with people who have corona. Deep, deep.

Blowjob to make out back to blowjob to Butlick. She's an astamouth with everyone she's ever worked with. Everyone she's ever talked to. And those people all have it and so am I So where does that when she said that she said just has it and it's fine, but like had it? No, she went I was at a conference in one of the people tested Positive that's it means she wrote shit someone at the conference. I went to test positive I think we've all been in contact with somebody who has it by now

I think we've all been in contact with somebody who has it by now. Three weeks ago. Yeah, New York's just two were two on top of each other. I mean, there's some people in this country that legitimately just not seen that many people. I've been on the train since this happened. So if you do. Yeah. So it's like we've just I'm pretty sure we've come in contact with it.

Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully it's coming left our systems already. Now it wouldn't have been that's the whole thing. It wouldn't have been coming on yet. It could have been coming on already. It's 15 days. I thought it was 14 days. Is it 14? She has no idea. Well, she has no idea.

Are you talking our off-the-leg? Yeah. She's like, look, I'll keep you if you turn to his ombi. She's calling it Coronis, really takes the edge off of it. Coronis? Coronis. Coronis. I put a picture up of me at the comedy store with Annie Letterman, Josh Adamirra's Tony Hinchcliff, and I wrote, hard to believe all these people were infected and died. Right? It's funny to joke. Sure, of course. Originally I put kidding,

but how fucked up would the proposal that be? And then I was like, oh, I'm a bitch. I shouldn't put kidding. It's obviously a joke. So I take it off. And now people are like, you'd feel really bad if that happened. Of course.

Yeah, so I can't believe I have to say this, but I'm joking. They're all fine. Played the odds. For now. I'm like, that's a risky social media joke. Yeah. I fucking people are fucking dumb. This really shows how post apocalypse Dan is fucking zero. F's dad man. He's got zero. F's.

Zero. F's. What are you going to cancel? Posting Corrani's jokes on Instagram. What are you going to do? Great Dan's like first of all hate gays. That's first and foremost. Let me just sing from the mountain tops disabled people you bum me out Jews don't love them. Yeah, Protestants. You should be burned in hell Protestants are bad. Whoa. All right Christine More of those are people who are just the wasps the wasps are the scariest people to me the rich or the white emotionless people No, it's white Anglo-Saxon. Yeah, Anglo-Saxon Protestants.

White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. Yeah, that's what waspits. White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. You know what it stands for? You said they're white something. I didn't say rich. I said not rich. I said just white emotionless.

The joke, having this joke still stirring around this tumbler is so frustrating because I walked away from it. You didn't get my thing. I didn't get my thing I didn't get your You're still defending your goes. Yeah, that's where they are what I go. I know you said white something else And then I made a joke I was correcting you this is not what the word stands for and then you were like no I know it's what and this is fun to go out to court and move on anyway, Dan what your friends are dead? You were saying? This is people are so fucking on edge right now and so nervous that people are reacting to things.

It's so funny, feeling you're like, I can't go outside, you're telling me I can't go outside and it's like, dude, you wanna go outside? No. If you wanna go outside, I tell my dude I get scared, but I wanna go outside and then when I go outside, I'm scared.

Scared. I know our friends took a bike ride they said and I was like, it would be nice just to like. Yeah people are out there in fucking nature living in cabins. Shane is the king of the carol. They have bikes. I certainly jump on them. Got the city bike right now.

Yeah. I am naked. Just Corona Farts all in the seat. Do you what if you could only transmit it through farting? Oh, I'll be it. I'll be I'll tell you this. I get it the city's down and I'm cutting in Well, what do they find out the only the fatal version? We're only from farting Oh, that'd be that's tough. Yeah, SBD's man. Yeah, cuz you'd be like someone farting here Someone just smiles and a train like everything. Oh

because you'd be like someone farting here. Someone just smiles and a train. Like every year. Oh, what happened? Oh, no. What's that smell? Oh, God. Oh, God. We've all got it.

Oh, God. It's the corona farts. The corona farts strike back. Don't you understand if they release it through their bots, they die. Hi, this is Jacob again. And the Bonfire crew was finally reunited again this week via video conferencing.

And DJ Liu didn't waste any time confessing to everyone that he's now video-sexting with his gal. Uh, DJ Liu. Have you and your chick been uh... jerking off on phones together? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Liu. he looks so much bigger on camera. Oh, Lou, Lou, just fucking under jerk into it. That's a great visual. I think it's because you like that, buddy? You love it? Oh, Bonnie, you like it with my carrot place?

The way your thumb is underneath it, we're going to reverse green. I didn't choose that over you. Laptime's stupid. You'll show her stroke and you'll pan the Oh Jacob so curious about have you never done facetimes X never Can't know buddy. Let me tell you something I wish this episode was coming out sooner than it is I'm telling you that why Why don't we do that? Why don't we put the you can bump a little remedy that for you Immediately, Jay we could I think we could bump this up. Why don't we release? We should

Did you see the thing that I put out on Facebook? It has been a godsend and I and let me give a special shout out to the campers And how much I love them for this I put it a thing like saying so in the interim, you know Say, hey everyone, we love you. You guys are keeping us sane through all this shit and everything. And I go also direct all of your homemade pornography, my DMs, that's totally cool. I'll check it out or whatever.

Do you know what I mean? I wanna do that. And by the way, with a decent amount of success. I was laughing because I was, I went on Facebook like the day after you posted that. I'm a decent amount of success. I was laughing because I was I went on Facebook like the day after you posted that and that was like one of the first posts I saw and I was like man I really should put a post up like hey guys you guys are

helping me keep myself, myself saying through all this and any good recipes or good home advice for some of you. I would be so fucking funny to go the opposite way the Phil versus the nice. Hey guys, if you have any ideas for a fun, maybe game, we could play online. Any, any motivational stories you guys might have or stories of, you know, some funny moments in this quarantine, it'd be a lot of fun. Send me your DM on to me. I want to hear them from you, the plume together, alone together, everybody. And then meanwhile, yeah, and I'm like,

Hey, everyone goes, if your chicks will in the show or gash Yeah, it's won't they'll check it out if you can cream pyre lady with a bonfire shirt on fucking horns do you Well that was my question Lou did you finish on FaceTime to your girlfriend great question Jacob a top question, dude You saw the load like leave and everything I don't know if all the number that I don't know how you would immediately end up so you watch the gizm shoot out of your penis if you will The question, please did you show her proof of work? Did you like come in it? They go like there you go

Did you like come in it and go like, there you go. Ah, no. Oh, that move. Yeah. I'm like, coochered for the black ol' gooom. Hey, it's Big J. Algrison, and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th, 8pm Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bonfire at SexM.

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