The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Ralph Malph with Steve Rannazzisi

Episode Date: August 27, 2025

Mike Finoia fills in as co-host as actor and comedian Rannazzisi talks about fans of The League still asking him about fantasy football. | In high school, Steve's mother took matters into her own hands when he was teased by the other kids. | Premade meals may be healthy but they are not made with love. | Jay remembers Susanne Summer's Thigh Master and asks "what workout fad did your family have growing up?" | Mike plans on going back to smoking cigarettes when he turns 70. For Mike Finoia's tour dates visit punchup.live/mikefinoia. Catch Steve Rannazzisi's dates at steverannazzisi.com. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Lou, DJ Lou's been dying to play this song today. Are you re-watching The Sopranos with your girlfriend? No. You turned me off to that. Yeah, did I make you feel bad about that? Yeah, because I'm like, yeah, maybe the show isn't as great as I thought it was. If you and your chicks start, if you and your chicks start re-watching the Sopranos again, just break up.

It's just you're trying to find ways to kill time until you die. You got to go separate ways. I started watching the Sopranos in the beginning, and I was like, this is, this feels awful. Really? It just feels awful. What? How old it is?

I have such limited time to relax and the facts that I feel like I've gone through everything so much that I'm going to commit to seven seasons of this shit again that I already know the outcome of. I did it again during COVID. That makes sense for sure. But if it's on, like especially hotel rooms that just have like HBO, if it's on, oh, I'll just sit there and I'm like, and I know they're going to play two or three in a row because I just start to plow through them.

And now I'm like, nothing on is better than this. Really? Nothing on is better than this, too. On a basic cable, hotel television? That's fair, but what caught with threw me off, too, with that first season, at least, they didn't have their, what would you call that, gaffing? Who does the sounds? Gaffers.

They didn't have the gaffing down because every fight, like I said before, he goes, yeah, he goes, you're going to do that, I'm going to punch you in the stomach. And now you're going to get a face punch. Push, push. It was so bad. And I couldn't get out of that. I couldn't escape feeling that with every moment that was supposed to be this tense moment. I just didn't...

You didn't pick it up from the beginning? It didn't have... Like the very... When it was airing originally, no. You were too young? No, I just never got into it. And then I did, around season three or four, I watched, like, the last several seasons. And I knew the story already was going on.

Damn. Like, I didn't have to go back. I know Big Pussy dies and the whole thing. He does? Yes. Yeah, but he's old. he's back, dude. Uncle Freddy died?

You should, Mikey, you should audition to play young uncle junior. This is always bald. It's just been bald forever with classes. I went to an open call in New Jersey. Have you seen that documentary where they cover that? They had to shut it down. They had an open, like, after the first season, they had an open call for people to be like, we need, this is like authentic.

We need some dumb guineas. Yes, exactly. And I just finished school. Like, I was in college. acting I was like this is my chance yeah totally that and rent I went to like wait online for rent so I did both of those and I remember trying to give yourself age to get an advantage is that a needle is that needle yours I just want to hang out of my vein for a second I can't borrow your needle I got to look good everybody's to bonfire

faction talk series XM 103 I'm big J Okerson Robert Kelly is off this week we're both off next week but this week I came in and roll some guest hosts and today we got a good one sitting in Bobby's chair today of course We have America's Amigo, the great Mike Fanoia. And joining us for the whole show, he's going to be at the Comedy Loft in Washington, D.C., October 10th, and 11th. It is the great, hilarious. Steve Renazizi in the house.

Yeah, nice to be here, fellas. You know, I was saying it's with, what does it be, two weeks now, three weeks from football, two and a half weeks. And I go, this must be the time of year where everyone who thinks TV is real starts bothering you for your fantasy football picks I'm first of all I'm it's so yeah they ask me like what do you know like what's the inside scoop like first of all the show's been on for 10 years

second of all second of all do you order every cop and fire and be like hey how's your softball league how's your divorce going you know like they it's not I don't know anything I played a guy it's so funny though that people come into you for that that much I am crushing it right now on cameo yeah yeah because I set people's fantasy lineups and they love it. Oh, that's so

great, dude. Gift that keeps giving. That is fantastic. I'm doing like 15, 20 a day at least every day. It's great. That's fucking great. It's why you're eating your morning cereal. Just crushing videos. Dingleberry 529, you're drafted fifth. Hey, fuck nuts. I got

Jamar Chase. That's great, man. It's awesome. Oh, man. Do you do fantasy in real life? I do. And I did it for a long time. I mean, I did it when we're on the show. and then after the show is over I just stopped I just like I can't I was in like five six weeks

Did you guys have like an endorsed one from the show No we just did one amongst ourselves because When we first started like I was the only one that ever done it before So they had no knowledge of how this thing really Dude it could have been a cash machine if they just did like on FX This was before They did FX.com and just had it through that like for fans Yeah

People like back then I mean the like apps and stuff like that It was like not developed We were lucky we were on television vision like the show is actually placed and broadcasted to the masses they at one point had two channel FXX it was like we got bumped off to that so like in one

we didn't even know what we were doing any what channel we were on so yeah no we only did fantasy on the show and then when it was done I stopped because I was like fried and then I was like I'm just going to be a Giants fan I'm going to go back to one team support one team and then it's been a dumpster fire for the last

five years my whole life and then it's like now I'm like my sons are into it So I'm like, we're back, and now we've got a family league we do. Oh, and a couple other ones, comedy store one. Yeah. Because the Giants stink. The Giants drove you right back into friendly family gambling. Into gambling, yeah.

Yeah. That's what we know, you know, I bring up the thing about people thinking TV is real because I felt like I just watched last night the, uh, the biggest loser expose. Oh, the documentary, my wife started watching the three-part expose. Well, I'm curious. for you to watch it because I'd like to hear I watch the show I'm getting I never watched the show really but there is and the only person I know who did it was a his name was Mark he used to work at the comedy cellar okay he was this door guy who

looked disturbingly exactly like me we looked a lot I think it was a little bit bigger than me maybe but maybe not even yeah I mean look at the big picture of him I mean it was weird whoa it was weird yeah and And we even had the one, like the moment, one of my moments in life that I'll always remember, like, fat moments in my life, was I always said, when you shop at DXL or it was called Big and Tall back in the day, they've got 20 available t-shirts. They're in little squares showing you what the, what the graphic is. It's almost like a hot topic has it. On the wall, yeah. On the wall, there's squares with the logo it's going to be.

And then underneath is cubby holes. The cubby holes with each one. With the size of them. There's 20 of them. you're gonna everyone's gonna get that brown Guinness one because you don't you don't want to do like the big dog shit did they have a Wu-Tang Charlie Daniels fan

All kinds yeah just things out of the blue I've had Grateful Dead shirts in my life I'm not a Grateful Dead fan I've had a Superman shirt Sure And I knew it was gonna happen one day at the comedy saw When we came in Not just wearing the same brown Guinness shirt

But also chose to do That was the day to do the Waffle shirt Underneath like you know the fucking Oh my Christ Almighty, like we were fucking Eddie Vedder. He had all the tips of Jay's gloves. That's it, just the tips. He looks great. Is that him after?

The one we were... Well, and here's a thing. Is that him after? I saw him. I saw him. That's amazing, man. I saw him in person like that. Once. One time. And then the next time I see it. He's like, get out of here. No, I might see him this weekend. He's down. He's like a jersey guy. He just come see me at a stress factory. But he, uh, the next time.

And I saw him another time, and I saw it. I was like, oh, wow, he's not, like, staying, like, jacked in shape at all. But he's still, like, almost like if he stays here, this is, like, a normal, like, people wouldn't, you're just like a big guy. No big deal. And the next time I saw him, exactly back to where he was, in the beginning. And I watched that show all three episodes last night about it. And I got to say, how many years into reality television are we going to have to be before people start realizing TV is TV and they don't care of. about you they all seem so puzzled by the thing yeah like do you know jerry springer uh brought me

my wife and the guy she's seeing behind my back on thing and then when the show is over they just like sent us home he's like if you didn't get it after the uh the what was it nickelodeon special yeah oh my god right they were they were slaves human like we just put him out there like the kids that make apple iPhones the american gladiators they made entertainment same thing and that was it and we beat them and we we had our way with them sexually and whatever Every we want to do to them. Dude, I mean, that Dan Schneider guy. And everyone's like, wow, that's pretty crazy.

Suck on your toes for a little bit. Like you're in a webcam. Yeah. The Dan Schneider guy, let me tell you something. I think it's why he so, like, gracefully is not the right word at all, but just like kind of quietly just fell back into the world and was like, all right, I'll go back into my hovel. I'll get out of here.

They gave him a severance package that was life-changing money, probably even for someone that rich. Yep. And sent him on his way. And he is fine because that guy, he probably thought every. year was defying the odds. How many years into Ariana Grande and what's there, that other one that went bad shit, Amanda

Bond? Yeah, Amanda Bond. And Britney Spears sister, how many years in their adulthood was every year from the time they were 18 on going like, this might be the year they all tell their story. A lot of pianos hanging for him. A lot of calendars with X's and just

that we made in one more day. I can't believe it. Like what, Britney had another breakdown? Oh, Jesus. I mean, he was so he had to be so like and by the time it came he was like dude i already had uh just a menagerie of children naked in my foot shaped pool you know what man this day was coming and he couldn't have come in a better time i'm chafed yeah dude it's crazy what they allowed to go on and just people were like i didn't even know that could possibly be happening well those parents feed the kids that's the craziest part the parents feed their kids to them look at that dude

it's crazy and then they're blown away surprised that their kids going to got like fed to him do you know I mean they're like I didn't know I thought when that guy told me that me and my family should wait in the soundproof room for two hours while he just had a conversation with our daughter I didn't think that was weird did the double dare guy he's he's cool right like Mark Summers he didn't nothing with him no but didn't he look like he was gonna do something that's what I'm saying like family double there he almost be must have been like man how did I dodge this disaster that was happening my best Mark Summers moment though if you remember he had it

out with was it bert reynolds or something on like the tonight show or something oh my god that's right like they had a war like they really got pouring shit on each other yeah he was just bitching out mark so i don't know they splashed they didn't they dump water on each of burke rysher bert uh what's his actual name bert reynolds i want to say it's burke rysher bert reynolds is such a fucking like cunt of a guy that like he was just he just was shitty with mark summers because he was like why am I sharing the stage with a guy who's famous for putting Gack on children or whatever. To win his game you've got to like

pick a big nose full of burgers. Yeah, yeah and he's like, I was in Cannonball Run. I was smoky and the bandit. I think he's smoking a butt in the middle of it too. These are the days, man. Oh, it's on Leno. He's like, nah, what do you think about Red goo?

A thousand pounds of baked beans and made kids died into it, which was really great now. What a prick. of jerk off, dude. He's a big... He's just a human bottle of cologne, yeah.

With his fucking stupid ascot. There's my uncle Aspen by CBS. He's a huge star at this point. Huge. Probably not as big as he was in the 80s, but he's still pretty big.

And he's so pissed that he has to sit on a couch still and promote shit. At that point, that's what it is. So he's just going to napalm this whole fucking thing. And they asked him to slide over politely so Mark Summers going to be an ill-fitting brown suit

and talk about throwing children the baked beans and him and him and Bert Reynolds are sitting on similar cash Bert Reynolds is like I made love to Lonnie Anderson Yeah Just passed away didn't she RIP dude like last week That was big I know those WKRP tits were a big part of my show

My dad's favorite My dad's favorite I auditioned with her for a TV show in 2006 The same part I didn't have the tits back We were both trying to be a buxom blonde bombshells. It was to play Torrey Spelling's mother and she got the role and I was testing for it and I had a scene with her but she had already gotten the role so I got to read with her and Tori Spelling. And then I walked out, called my dad and he's like, you made it.

No matter what in the business you do, that's the best. Well, you know it's funny? I'm actually going back and looking at her from back in the day and realizing that she was never that pretty. It was just those monster can. No, those cans were unreal. We're amazing. You know, she auditioned for Chrissy in Three's company, but she was so, like, articulate and together, they couldn't believe, like, she was hot enough to do it, but they couldn't

believe she was, like, too ditsy, not the, yeah, she didn't get the dits factor. Yeah, no. She was hot. She wasn't hot. She didn't, too, because Suzanne Summers was fucking incredible in that. Yeah. Oh, and we would have never had the Thymaster. Another generational gift.

Early jerk. What did you, what, that's a great conversation. What did your household had? have of fad equipment in your house we definitely had we had a thigh master what's the thing you you put together and then you did sit-ups with it

we had one of those things ab flex it was on the you laid it on the ground it was a big like a big like halo thing you kind of made it so that you just held it I stole that one I didn't get we stole off a neighbor's porch

and built one that was like it was an ab thing too it had two big handles on it though the one you're talking about It was like, it was rounded. Yes, round it would help you, like, do sit-ups. That thing, yeah. Now, the one I'm talking about had big thing, and it was like a, you sit your whole body up.

It was like a machine thing. Like a seeded machine, yeah. Seed-in-B flex or something like that, I think it was called. We stole it off someone's porch. I'm not ashamed of it. Dude, think about, like, how big that equipment is just for the abs. It's like, you can't lay on the floor and just do crunches. You need this gigantic piece of...

Yeah, look at this thing. You need like... How about also this, though, it's an idea that, like, I stole this thing of a thing. Unscrupulously, me and my friend were... The streets? We're stealing this package from someone's house. It was a big box and we were like, no one was around. We just did a shitty teenage thing.

And took it, took it home, opened it up, built it. Now, if that was the beginning of my story of peak physical conditioning, I tell a story glad you all the time. He goes, if I could ever find the person who lived at this, it's right near my mom's house. I could tell you the house. We could track back. I'd give you 50 times the money that you paid for that. because that's what started my fucking health journey

but it just sat there and we'd laugh at it once in a while and talk about how it was just there until it was like can we get this piece of shit that's just sitting here you just put dirty clothes on it or whatever it was never used once seriously ever you know what I bought was the one that

did the abs for you that just shocked you and shook oh Christ really you know the one that like you put it on freaking you out ab jab on the way on the train here my wife took the train in which goes do you think this works and she shows me. There's a new version of

you put your feet down on like a platform and it shakes you out and the further out you put your feet the more it's supposed to simulate like sprinting

and I go there's no way I go she's not sweating this woman she's just standing there her little belly shaking I'm gonna go read a book and run a marathon exactly and they're like

it's like three minutes on that is like eight hours in the gym and I'm like that's impossible like there's no sweating involved and my wife's like when you shiver your burning calories I go yeah that's not the same thing no at the end of the

of the biggest loser documentary is like when they all like gain the weight back there the whole thing was just I'm surprised by how surprise they were is that it? That's not the exact one but that's a pretty much it's it yeah but this one that my wife showed me was violent like you

the further out you put your feet the more violent it was and this woman was really shaking. But it almost, remember that thing like they would show like in the 50s, you'd stand on it and it would shake your belly like with the little rope around you? It was like that without the rope.

And I'm like, I guess this is working out, but really not. Nobody looks hot vibrating past 30 years old. Was that the original scambone? Was that thing? The fucking, like with the rope that shaked, remember like, Babe Ruth was on it and he'd be like smoking a cigar in the hot dog.

Bames rank on out today. Look at him. You know, it's like, you have his beer on top. The towel around his neck. I think what are the ones ended up in my house to, like, things that, like, everyone kind of got. Never had a shake weight. I got one for my mom. You know, the one you sit, you put your feet on and it just does this?

Yes. Because that, she loves it. I have to keep my feet moving. I go, we have a thigh master in my house. I never had, we never had a fad leg massager, like electric plug-it-in-in-leg-missager thing. I have the Ther-gun thing. I have one of those. Yeah, but that's now.

I'm talking about when you were young, the things that were definitely bullshit that everybody had to have. A Bible. I had a Bible. There you go. Damn, dude, what a social commentary that turned into? Who saw that comment? Anyone have, like, a stand-up bike, but not, like, what's the Peloton? I'm talking about, like, the wind that blows.

The wind that were, like, book for you? Dude, my grandmother's house, she had an exercise bike that you just cranked the knob to make it tighter or not tighter. There was no, like, settings, really. It was just tight or not tight. What about this thing? The thing you would bend? Remember that bar, the bar that you would bend? and we had my grandfather's house

and he used it once and then it just rusted and nobody could ever get it to bend again it was like you have to be the strongest birds in the world to ever bend this thing ever again Christine look up a thing's nuts look up an article of fad fad

what would you call that fad like home shopping things of the 80s and 90s? Yeah but that was like a whole thing Beauflex for sure I didn't know I'm trying to think if I knew anyone who had bowflex I don't think so now.

Boflex was expensive and you needed a lot of room for it. Oh, jazzercise. My mom was bringing to jazzercise. But that was more of a workout fad, not equipment. Well, don't look up exercise even. Christine, do you have a fad in home shopping? I heard a lot of my wife got a weighted vest.

That's like the new thing that she liked me. I will tell you what I did get into as an adult that was a total, the P90X. I bought that into that whole thing because then you need the P90X resistance bands. You can't use the other resistance beans. You have to use the P90s. I'm going to say, as you're saying this now, I am really. Realizing in our friendship, though, you really are a self-help video guy. No.

Oh, yeah. What do you mean? Like, you got us all, you got us all doing fucking wrestling yoga with Diamond Dallas Beach. I did get you doing, yeah, DDP yoga was the sickest, dude. That was him and I on the road. You had to pay for it? No. Oh, okay.

Stole it. No, yeah. Oh, you stole it. Don't tell DDP. It's hard, dude. Yeah. He still got it, that guy. Oh, my God.

But no, yeah, I turned you on to that. I quit smoking. in with the easy way of the Alan Car easy way video yeah I watched the video I got hypnotized to quit cigarettes that was the part that's the Allen Car chapter whatever is like you watch it and then they go go outside smoke a cigarette couldn't even like inhale so gross and then what else I mean P90X I mean P90x is a big one you went through your Tybo phase let's not forget oh do you do Transcendental Meditation I do that too I do TM I don't do it but I did it but I have a you know I got my user password my

I got my username and password, so I'm sad if any time I want to go back. It's your kid's middle names. Did anyone do Orange Theory? I did that for two years. You know what that is? What is it? I mean, I thought it was for girls. It is.

No, I mean like, that's why. I said that more being, not to be as funny as I was saying, I thought it was like a girl's only place. What am I thinking of? No, that's like her fitness. Curve? Curve or. It's got to be another one. Wait, what's the one that was all for women?

I went to a casino with time with Dice and he goes, I want to go work out right? So we went to the hotel gym wasn't good enough because what's around here?

The lady goes there's a curves it's only for women and he goes we're going he walked in and my friend are working out

the guy's like you cannot work out and he goes it's the pro deal I'm the dice man and he just smokes right and start doing it and he goes

they're going to let me do it for a half out 40 minutes and he worked out while women were working it was horrific dude. That is horrific. He should... Dice Clay, though, should write

a book. Oh, yeah. No, about this one theory, because that's the second story I've heard from... The other one was Ari. That Dice lives by... Talk about a mantra. Oh, the pro deal? Well, is that what it's called? What he just goes to, like, Harley Davidson will go walking in and buy... Pick up $7,000

worth of jackets and clothes and just go over... No, no, it's on the pro deal. Tell the guy... And the kid just freaks out the door. And steal $7,000 worth of stuff. No, I don't even mean that. I mean the do whatever the fuck you want wherever you want. And then...

100%. And then when you get stopped, like, you glass half foot as, well, I got to do that thing. And it was... Smoke a cigarette in the airport. That's what Ari said. He walked around a mall with Dice. Yep. And he goes, he goes, Dice.

Ari was kind of like, dude, dude, dude. He's like, you can't smoke on here. He goes, sure you can. And he smoked. And then he said, like, the guy came over and he goes, sir, I'm sorry, you can't smoke inside. He goes, oh, okay. And then as he walks slowly to the... the trash to the ashtray or he takes

three or four more puffs and then puts that he goes you see that or you said I can't smoke in the mall I just smoked half a cigarette did it with Eleanor at the airport Eleanor's like live streaming it on Instagram That's fantastic And what did Ari take from that? He goes You know what I could shit in the box

And give it to my friend why not? Lawlessness is fun I could dose my friends with our problems Lucille Roberts maybe that's the one No but I think curves was the one that we went It was like only winning curves and then That's only for large women. Blitz was the men's version, where it was a men's only curves.

And it was just fat dudes doing, like, circuit training. Yeah. And it was called Blitz. You're doing the wrong kind of working out. You're working out for, like, career stuff, like bodybuilding. If you choose to go to a gym, where your motivation can't at least be, I could park it behind this girl's see-through pants for a minute. I mean, I did two, I would say, I had a full-on five-day-a-week, almost, dedication. to CrossFit

the first time I did that ever and it was based off of I knew that in those classes you can go get through it because you're gonna park it behind a girl who has been told

over and over again these pants are completely see through so you clearly want me to look at your pussy while you're doing these bend over things and that would just

I really after all these workouts I should have thanked them but I just knew it would be too obvious then thank you you really got me through that last 20 minutes

with your... That's how I got through Orange Theory for two years dude that's how I got through orange stear chicks yeah and then like I would be the only guy there and I'd be like I'm I'm the dominant male here I could just start a new new world a new generation with all these women isn't that the best when you go when the world outside yeah yeah yeah treadmill day dreams yes

he goes turn it up to nine now guys nine you're like oh fuck I'm gonna deny oh well I could look at their tits bouncing and if those were mine I could create a new world all these different versions of me. You used it there and you go, I think you look around and you go, it's like, the best one in here couldn't take me. Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like any time, the person who dominates this room the most,

the person who's laying down the rules, I can beat up in record time. It's the best. And also. So you get to do the workout disdaging by the fact that these women all get to go home and live their lives because you've allowed it. Go free, my ladies, because it is my will.

Until next time. They go. But I can end any of you at any time. point. And also, know that I know that you guys are all lining up if this thing goes wrong to have sex with me. I know that's going to be fights in this room

to have that happen. Go home to your lives, knowing that every day from here off forward is a gift. That's it. Enjoy tonight. Tomorrow may never happen. I love when that happens. Any given time, you can just dominate an orange theory. When you're outside, you look out of outside orange theory and you go, in here, I'm the king.

Yeah. That's the one I'm going to fuck. That's the one I'm going to kill. I do hot yoga You'll walk in You'll be the only dude right It's like a minute and a half before class You're like here we go I'm back in the saddle again

The master And all of a sudden some like Quarterback comes walking in Because he wants to loosen up Before the seats You're like shit By the way all the daydreams become like You're like okay

I'm gonna become a dictator for sure Yes But will I be a benevolent dictator Who cares about the women Enjoying what I'm doing to them Or will I just be like a Genghis Khan I'm like, I own this place. Oh, I do, dude.

I go, you're in my harem. You're not. You're a worker bee. That's right. That's exactly right. I'm sorry, man. You have not made the... Now, we'll see what happens

next year's evaluation, but for right now, as is. You keep working that core. Maybe we can work up to a second round. He goes, listen, you're an unattractive girl, but we can find something for you, I'm sure. Maybe in the kitchen or in the basement. How are you with security?

How are you with your hands? You can do my social. Lucille Roberts Those commercials That girl's got a terrible ass For a workout commercial You kind of had a couple of You fell into some

You did CrossFit You also did the order The food That's already made for you For a while You know those things Factor Meals I'll talk about fad shit

Huh? You did that I mean unless we have A prepped food sponsor That one's good But yeah Factor Meals I mean by the way You loved it

When it's happening I could argue to this day for two minute in a microwave things. They're good, right? Many of them were very, very tasty. It's just couldn't build enough variety and things that I want or like ever to get me through

where it was like four days in a row of it, I'd already be like, I think I hate this company. I don't want some kind of weird fucking terriaki something that's been, I don't know. When you pull it out of a thing, you're also, it really makes you feel like goes,

wow, dude, no one loves me. Yeah. I live a void of real love for sure You've got a microwave your love They sell them They have stores now Yes dude Which was like the always the thing

They were like we have to make this It's not easy to find this stuff That's why and now they've made stores And they're like next to like delis And I'm like Next to a fucking grocery store I need a roast beef and cheese They have a pre-made meal stores

They have pre-made meal stores All over the place now They almost look like Amazon pickup stores Yeah you just go in And you get like that little, you know, little Tupperware thing. You get your box of boxes. There's nothing that would make me think about a meal five days from now that I'm staring at now with frozen uncooked cheese on top of a sudden. You know what I mean?

You see the ice, the ice in the inside of it goes, this will probably look good two minutes in the microwave, I guess. That's the other thing. You're like, get your package, you put it in the freezing. You're like, oh, I'm looking at my whole month in front of me. I'm like, I know that next week I'm going to be meatloaf because that's what's on the- That's what stupid Nutrisystem was, I think, right? Wasn't Nutrisystem like that? Where, like, they sent you, is that the one that what's his face did?

Rob Lowe or something? Rob Lowe, okay. Oh, that was, uh, perfect. What was that one, though? That was a neutral system? No, that was the, um, the diet, the, um, the diet, the, um, the South Shore diet or something like that with the bars. Yes, but I thought he was part of, like, one of those, like, whatever, like, you got the, the food tasted, like, fucking cardboard. That's commercial.

Atkins, okay. Yeah. They would send the food and you'd have a box, your whole month would be, like, you'd be, like, Literally, like, little shitbox is this big of like... And I'm like, Rob, are you smoking 40 cigarettes a day to be able to just eat that tiny little thing? And then that's it. I'm like, I snorted it.

Listen, I've already got to almost 50. So every day moving forward to here, if I end up being on my death bed, I'm not going to be like, if I just would have ate a few less cheese sticks, maybe it wouldn't have been like this. You got to enjoy life at some point. And I can't...

And one of those things... I'd take Manjaro, so it's not like I can, like, gorge yourself to eat now anyway. I have to be able to look forward to some dumb thing like that at some point. Like, you know what, dude? I'm going to get a fucking burger and fries tonight because fuck it. Why not, you don't do it every day. But the days that I'm not doing it, I'd also rather it not be like a soulless turkey burger patty that's like I have to pull.

Brown rice. I had to what fork holes into. Yeah, totally. I went golfing with my friend of the day who was doing this crazy diet. Like he brought like out of his golf bag, he pulls a Tupper and he starts to eat like chicken and rice. Oh my God. I was playing with Berg. What are you a golf?

Aaron Brer brought his own. I go, dude, we're at my club. No, you got to be having fucking... Do you want to order a BL? They have plenty of food. It's a restaurant here, dude. You get a, yeah. You look at my grandmother with your Tupperware. You get a turkey club and a couple high news and you're fucking good to go.

You try to trade lunches with you? I'll give you a go-gert for... Can I have your pretzel sticks? And it's steamed chicken and rice and vegetables. I go, you could order that here, but I'm like, I don't know. Why? For what? It's the way of life.

It's discipline, I guess. Consider discipline. I've never felt when I've seen somebody at a job or school open up a Tupperware and begin eating. I don't care if they're opening up and it's steak tartar or a piece of filet mignon from their gourmet dinner last night. I feel bad for them immediately like you're a loser because you want this shitty piece of pizza that I just got. That shitty school pizza. You do want it still more than you want yesterday's whatever you have inside. Rom-a-odd.

I used to, my ex used to send my daughter to school with fucking, asshole lunches so much that I was like you're gonna make people think she's a jerk off like you're having her bring sushi like the joke in the breakfast club of the girl doing it I gotta be honest with you my middle child that's what he he's like I want that I want sushi

I want like he we have whatever we had leftover I want musical theater Rigotoni olivaca he's like I want that in the thermos the next day and then he brings the thermos home to clean well yes but then it's disgusting like he never really cleans it out well so it's like a huge project to clean but like that's what he wants my older

sons like just give me the pizza whatever they serve at school I was like can I just get two bucks so I can go have lunch dude we used to bring leftover pizza for lunch but it was wrapped in tinfoil so I would eat it cold

yeah yeah because there's not there's not gonna use like the school microwave sitting there leaning on a microwave in it and fucking teaching his lounge tipping coffee what the fuck is Mike doing in here Mike go back to class please

It's a funny thing about age you'll never catch anymore. I remember the teacher's lounge room smelling like smoke. Not anything smelling like smoke. I think when the door would open and you'd see inside, you would see them actively smoking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. They weren't like, oh, no, like don't look. They were like, yeah. I smelled like Sanka and butts.

By the time I was a senior. You guys are all stupid. I'm going to go, I'm going to go rip a butt in the lounge. I'll see you guys in a second. I think they stopped letting people smoke cigarettes inside. We had a pit during high school that we would have to go outside. And then you would see teachers towards like junior senior year, 94, 95, that they were like at that that point like you guys got to go outside and smoke and so you would be sitting there and you'd see like your English teacher smoking a butt like 15 feet away from you what was the

trajectory of change though where it went like there's times I know and it's before my time but I think like in my mom's era of like high school was a thing where it's like kids and teachers would sit outside and smoke cigarettes together like before yeah that's what it happened they were forced to no but not just that they would sit and smoke cigarettes but also it wasn't even though you weren't supposed to still it wasn't blown away like of course all of these kids smoke cigarettes. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, it wasn't like the kids were even hiding it. Like, they'd hide it if they smoked in school. But outside at school, like, kids just smoked, like, no one gave a fuck. No one can't. And by, like, that changed at a point because I didn't feel that was the case by my time. No, not when I was this. Like, 90s high school. If you try to smoke a cigarette now outside, I mean, you'd have a better chance to

smoke in a joint. But if you, like, lit up a cigarette, people would be like, yeah, what's going on over here, dude? I hear it's coming back with young people. Really? I hear it's now vape. now vape's been around long enough that the rebel on vape is like nah back to sigs smoking sigs man dude everybody's wearing marlborough miles and camel cash t-shirts and

fucking mullets and mustaches it's like everyone looks like wade boggs now so they should be fucking smoking butts a lot of people still post malone still fires them up like on stage and stuff that's something i'm gonna go back to eventually you dig so one day yeah post malone music yeah it's time one day i got quite a catalog of this point Maybe if I hit like 70, 75, I'm going to start smoking cigarettes. They're going to figure out something by 75 that makes it feel exactly like a cigarette, same pulse, same everything, and it's just not.

You're not getting the nicotine of the tar. I don't know what they'll do, but they'll do it. You'll be able to. Because I just went smokes to nothing. Me too. I'm just going to stem cell on my lungs every week. That's all you're going to just build new lungs? Yeah, just get off the fucking.

Get a couple miles off shore and just juice. up my lungs a little bit. We had Jack the rent-a-cop in our high school and I would bring him a medium regular coffee from Dunkin' Donuts. You kiss-ass. And I would, no, he'd let me shit in the coach's office because that was like the only toilet. Because that's where he had his toilet cam.

Probably. That's what he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what time about every day you're going to shit there? I'd shit in the coach's office because that's where he hung out, whatever. I'd bring him his coffee. There'd be a book of matches for the scent, you know? And then he'd catch us smoking butts outside all the time and he would never break our balls. Really? It just costs me a medium

regular. Were you allowed to leave school for lunch? We were allowed to because we had a... Kids ruined it. Kids ruined it and they tried to take it away. But then we were like, fuck this. We're leaving. I lived at the end of my high school's driveway. So I could like literally cut through the woods and go home. I had a friend that got a job in high school, like a senior year for the railroad, the Long Island Railroad. So he's like, I'm leaving at one. And I don't care. I have to be at work at two o'clock in Hicksville.

He had to play last year. I have a huge job, dude. So he was like, at that point, I remember being like, are you going to be a lot? He goes, yeah, I just put all my classes in the front, and I took my lunch later on. I go, are we like? He goes, yeah, I'm a grown man.

Dude, try to stop me from leaving. I have a job. He parked his blue hawks in the drive. Yeah, dude. I remember the best was when I moved to South Jersey for that one year, because my Philly school wasn't like this or with these kind of people at all. But I remember the first time I was in class

and a fucking, an, outcast kid who t-shirts into his jeans where the mullet got up and was like i got to go and then i see people rolling their eyes and i'm like what was that he goes volunteer firefighter it's like he doesn't have to go but like it's an excuse too he goes all hands on all hands on deck guys i think it's a cat and tree i loved when there were kids in school that had kids remember when there was like a senior junior that would like disappear for a year and then you're like that girl actually she got to leave to feed her baby that's the girl who jacked me off and stared at me the whole time.

With the Grateful Dead tattoos? No, remember I tell you the story, but the girl whacking me off in a car, and I just have a joke about it. Oh, and she just stared at me face the whole time? She had a kid in high school. Really? Yeah. And came back or dropped out? Most of them left and never came back.

No, no, she's finished. She finished. One came back with mom, like, mom jugs. Oh. They didn't get, you guys didn't have, like, ours guy sent to continuation school. Ice detention camps? Huh? Like, is that Boces?

Like, we had, like, trade school. Like, you were like, oh, dude, you're going to be an electrician. When they decide for you They're like, they're like Voki, they would call Voki boss For us it was Boce's, yeah No, we called that Scrock And I forget what it stands for

But it was like a trade school That sounds when you bite it on a surfboard By the way, that's such a California thing Because like the name for that sounds bad Because it's a bad connotation He goes, what do you want to work inside With your fucking hand on that? Everything in the Bart

You want to ride the bike I go Bart, I'm not riding the Bart Sounds disgusting But even out over in Jersey Where that school, the vocational school had a lot of, it seemed like, opportunities and good ways to you could raise a family. It was called Voki.

It's having fun. They were like, yeah. You're gonna, and I would almost try to make you feel bad about it. They go, dude, if you fuck up this year, you're gonna get sent over to Voki and you're like, sounds like a blast. Yeah, we had Eli Whitney was like the vocation,

like the coach, like, where you'd go to like electrician and basically, yeah, because he started, he was in Connecticut. Oh, really nice. So that's where you'd go for technical school and shit. Yeah. If you wanted to like, but then a lot, that was almost a punishment.

You could also. You could get like kicked out of North Haven High School and go to Eli Whitney. Also, that school in Jersey just had a, my senior year it's had a flat out thing of like, you can get a job and then leave it too. Yeah, that's what it was. You just front-loaded your schedule.

Yeah. They were like, if you can get a job, if you could prove you have a job, then you can leave school early every day if you were. You know what they tried to do my senior year? I remember now because we had seven periods in the day and study, it was rotating. So day one was one through seven, day two

was two through seven, then one was your last period. So my study hall would always, you know, move around. move around they tried to do this thing called block scheduling where it was four 90 minute classes or something like that nightmare and we're like fuck this noise and like no one like they got rid of it after like a week the year after we left they did it and started it up and that's how it is now I guess but fuck that man that was like I loved having the 35 minute class you need it that was perfect for the weed strength of 1996 and seven that's all your brain can handle 30 minutes yeah

I mean all the stuff that they we smoked I'd love to have I'd love to have a measurement gauge on the retention I had an application of anything I learned in school dude I didn't even have a typing class at all I just really never had like I know some stuff that is so stupid and trivial and dumb but I went to Catholic school so they they beat it into like Jason Bourne I know like the four Matthew and Mark and Luke and John like the Bible guy like the four chat, like, those I'll never, like, I, sometimes I'll surprise people in jeopardy because you're like, holy cat, it's the dumbest, he's stirring sauce, he's like, Leviticus. I have the same thing, I'm just strange things, I know every linking verb, that's a fun fact about mine, I can list up every linking verb, of course, just, and again, those dumb names, like, I've never had to worry about Eli Whitney other than he made the cotton gin, that's it, which is not alcohol, it's a machine that's used to make the clothes.

Did you know that all the nines, if you add up the numbers, it equals nine? Like, nine times two is 18. Eight plus one is nine. Nine times three is 27. Seven plus two is nine. Nine times four is 36. Six plus three is nine. Just keep going until you go to a commercial break.

Yeah. Nine times nine is 81. Eight times one is nine. Nine times ten is 90. Did you learn that in school? Yeah. And it's the only thing I remember from high school. Literally, all I remember.

that eight eight that all but i can't that doesn't work with eights through ones only no only nine's nines you can also do on your hands what like if you hold your hands up and you go like nine times three it's 27 nine to holy i didn't know that 45 that's she's clearly a she's clearly a bossy kidder what a spuckie wow i didn't know any of that we just got beat nine times four 30 foot Boom, boom God. But I will also say

Maybe there was But I also never Throughout all school The 11 years in that one school And then the one year Senior year in Jersey I never I had teachers I liked fine

Teachers I didn't care for And most of them I was indifferent to But I will say not once did I feel Anyone come in the school To work every day With a passion for changing Chained me the lives of youth I never had

Christine does tell those stories Christine's got stories of You do? I had a teacher that was going to adopt me Yeah she's got to move in with her When Christine's mom died I was like I'll take you And I'm like

I don't know Our teachers didn't give a shit We could curse Oh yeah I think of a fun It was a joke dude Judging a book by its cover But I mean his school

It's like yeah You didn't receive a great education How dare you Robertie Lamberton high school? Who is Robertie? Lamberton Lamberton Bobby Lambs

Yeah who's Robert Eamberton because that's what the school was called I'm surprised I never even Robert E. L

Robert E. L Robert E. L. I's the most Robert famous Robert E. Lemberton maybe that's what it was Oh maybe he was a slave owner's school

Robert Eamberton was Wait Oh that's just your school Yeah Okay Enis A Republican

He was the 88th Mayor of Philadelphia This is hilarious Is there a picture of him Enis Let's find him That's the current one, right? Robert Eelhamper

Eeneas Eeneas? My high school was basically Dazed and confused. Like we It was all about Cags in the woods And we

Everyone had an ounce of weed In the locker Oh look at that That was my school Right behind it. Yeah I mean look at this place That's not a good school Holy shit

Wow That looks like a fucking detention center Dude Kindergarten the 12th grade Shut up You were in the same school? Yeah You never left that building

You walked around with 12th graders when you were in kindergarten? No, so... That's not right. I can tell you this, even, too, I kind of remember from where I... Left bottom was like the little kids. Okay. And then a little bit older kids left the right, and then upstairs was all like the... So it wasn't huge then?

Like 6, 7, 8, and whatever. No, it wasn't very big. How many people did you graduate with? I didn't graduate from there. Oh, okay. I didn't graduate. I switched to South Jersey. Got it.

Graduated from there. But this school... Damn. But it's... It's kindergarten through 12, but ninth grade was you wouldn't go in that building. You would go down the street to the left was a synagogue, and the basement of the synagogue was where ninth grade was. What? What?

Yeah. They had to rent a synagogue out from the Jews to get. And there was two versions of every class. There was like stupid first graders, smarter first graders, stupid. It was always like that. What year did they tell you, we built tunnels. You guys could have just taken a tunnel. Remedial.

They called, but they didn't call remedi. They called one advanced and the other one just normal, instead of saying actually one's normal and the other one's for dummies. And I was in the, I was in the advanced. Did I ever tell you about my senior year I didn't get into math four? So I had to take consumer math, which was like how to balance a checkbook. That's what you need. How to clip coupons.

Dude, it was me. Clip coupons? It was clip coupons. It was like balance a checkbook. Look at her miserable. I had a pickle eggs. How to scan things and put them to the side like this. But we had safety scissors.

Yeah. How to not be afraid of plastic bags? Yeah. How to separate the bags? Yeah. Had a double bag, the brown bags. Dude, it was... It was...

And open it up inside. Not biting your neighbor if you feel they are overloading their bag? That class was me, about six cheerleaders, a kid from India, and a blind girl. And my final was, how much dirt is in a hole, like, seven feet long, by three feet wide by four feet deep show your work so we're all doing like licking the pencil and doing our work you know what the answer was there's no

dirt in a hole have a good summer oh my god you guys sat there like I did the work and then handed it in that was like one of those stupid things where it's like how many jelly beans are in this bowl you just put your best guess right there but I'm like four times six carry the one fucking yeah it's like you're going like

all right there's 25 lines each yeah thing And he started counting up, and it's about a hundred jelly beans high. Guess what? There's no jelly beans. And this is the fourth grade? That was my senior year in high school. I thought it was the fourth grade.

This is one. I guess I'm like, you were just learning head of right? Math one, math two, math three, math four. And you had to pass algebra two, which was junior year. I was like balancing a checkbook in the fourth grade sounds pretty hard. No, senior year of high school, dude. Wow, man. That was it.

There's no dirt in a hole. You do need that. You don't even realize, listen. The classes I wish I gave a fuck about and really gave into more in school would have been stuff like that, like financial math. Yeah. But not. Homeck? Yes.

Teach me how to cook for real. I'd love to learn how to cook at school. How great was that? But instead you'd be like, ah, let the chicks do it. And we're going to sit over here and talk shit and be funny kids where I'm like, I would really love to know just basic, like, good cooking. No, I know it's funny. If you look up your community adult education, that's what it is now. It's the stuff in high school you wish you paid attention.

But now you go take it at, like, the town hall. Creative writing. And it's like needlepoint. Like, literally, dude. Damn, dude, I should take that creative writing class. Oh, dude, wouldn't it be great? The three of us just hit the fucking learning ad next later and pop in. We can learn archery and Italian.

I'm going to do a little bit auditing around here to see if I like what I'm seeing it. We can do bird calls. Well, I heard Kumi and somebody on some clip I watched that they talking about some thoughts on blacks? No. no it was just the idea of like what you need now like school-wise and like how you would now like learning about what you want to learn about now so much more it's like they're almost

going like kids shouldn't go to college till they're 30 because it's a funny concept but the thing is it's so true the things i was like i've read and i'm not a big history guy but just things at all from history where you're like they definitely covered this when i was growing up in school The way it was being presented to me I just couldn't have given a shit less But that's a wild fucking story That's actually pretty interesting No 100% dude

You know I'm just checked out Because I was like Yeah this is really taking time away I got a pretty big battle royale going on at home My G.I. Joe's And I think it's about to be our manager run in from a chick So Do your kids still get textbooks

Or is it all like iPad shit? No, it's all my textbooks And they carry all their books in their backpack My kids don't move it They don't put them into a locker They literally carry everything they have every single day. Like almost people to school, dude. Literally, they carried around.

I don't understand that. And I don't get it either because I think this is all, because they each have a Chromebook. They get a Chromebook. They got to carry that with them too. I'm like, shouldn't everything be in the Chromebook? Right. But it's not. You would think that it would be lighter, but my kids carry every book that they give them the first day school.

Do you remember getting your textbook and opening it and you had to sign it? It was before you. Got it before you. Such a big deal. If you got like a cool kid's book. Like Karen Garjulo had, oh my God, it still smells like her. Well, by the way, have you ever gotten that when you look at the kids? Like, oh, Kevin Reynolds, he's the smelly poor kid.

And the book smells as if it's been in his house for a fucking year. Oh, my God, he ate page 36. Dude, I've definitely, when you get it and you see a stained up gross book and you look before you and you go, of course it was that kid. Did you ever have to cover your books? Yeah. Dude, dude, I can't do that. If you held a gun to my head and said, I'll blow your fucking brains out. Dude, I was not with a stop and shop paper.

bag. I could do it with this piece of paper. You're good at that shit. No, it wasn't that. It was a labor of love. I had to learn how to do it because if I didn't use brown paper bag for my things, how I was going to show everybody that I know how to draw the

Metallica logo. That was like an easel. Oh, it was a canvas. Absolutely. But my mom had to do it. I couldn't do it. My mom did it with the clear one that never came off. Oh, like grip tape.

Yeah, like the grip tape. My mom's contact paper. Yeah. Contact paper. You can't draw on that. My mom did that for me one year. She goes, oh, this is easier. It just sticks right on.

And one, she put it on. And my mother doesn't know my own, like, anxieties and stuff. And she would just put on the contact paper. It would be like if somebody did your screen protector on your phone and just slapped it on and he goes, there's like five air bubbles. But don't worry about it. No, no, no. It's all I'm going to see.

And my mom poorly contact papered my book. And I was like, I don't like these little bubbles. You're trying to press them out all year? Doesn't work. So you taught yourself how to do it? This? Yeah. I think my mom knew how to do this too.

I have to watch this to completion. I didn't know. I was a dungary, uh, dungary binder guy. Dungary. Even when Trapper Keeper came out, I did a year of trapper keeper and I was like,

I like to make my own designs, man. I'm not going to be locked into this guy's idea of Odie and Garfield fucking sharing a taco. I'd like to make more of maybe, I don't know, a brick wall maybe with my name coming through it. Or maybe a lightning bolt. Sharing a taco.

I think I had that one. Do you remember inside the folders? Inside of your denim binder, you can have all the trapper-keeper style folders. You could have crazy fold folders. Do you remember when I had a nice mead, quiet riot, come on, feel the noise with the mask? I thought it was so cool going to like grade school and you're like, no one knows about quiet riot here. Do you remember when the holes in the folders started to that little piece? that kept it hanging

would start to fray the fucking anxiety when it finally went and you're like this folder's dead and it's all gonna fall out and it's all in order and I'll never get it back

the way it was it's ruined this is it and that's when I just started smoking cigarettes and I gave up on school like I'm gonna start drinking in class it's funny you say the thing

about your kids like book bags being so full of books because that was always if you got into a fight and like if you want a fight or lost no it's not that if you want to fight like the person who lost

who wasn't getting up was just like kind of quitting in the fight was getting their book bag just fucking hauled I mean a big I mean a bicycle kick of just sending it in there and just watching that exactly the binder and papers is straight out

So wait do they not even have a locker or they have to carry it around with them? They have them but the lockers are too small to fit everything in them it's for their guns. It's an ill design yeah that's right it's a gun locker they made him small so you can't fit kids in him anymore

no bullying boo no books no kids No, nothing. Did you guys ever... All you keep in there is your... Loft for a 15-year-old. And a pistol and a silencer? Hide your silencer in here. Were you ever running down

the hall and just ate shit fucking hard? Like, run into class and you trip and just... I don't think I ever fell. I felt... I had a lot of stairs. So I tripped down like that I would like miss a step and go down. I like... I like squeaked my face and like my legs went over.

Yeah, I went hard. It's a book bag over my head that was open And the book's just in the senior hall Were you tripped or was this just like Oh, I was just sprinting And I tried to fucking, I don't know It's hard for you remember any like I ate shit

Any of the basic level Embarrassing moments of high school Like the foul, your ass crack was out Or anything like that I don't remember that because I had to Oh I did I apologize to that girl I mean to me though it all foils then

Like my mom All of my high school Agony and discomfort came into that when I had to apologize for not saying that I didn't have sex with a girl in front of an assembly at my school that was fucking well I mean

that was all of it so I don't even remember like I don't even remember like the oh no my pants were tucked into my underwear he goes I would have taken that a thousand times over my mom came having to go on stage and go oh my God I didn't have sex with a girl that's what you had to say no I had to say it was a big thing about

lying oh no and saying but I didn't here's the the kicks me in an ass and by the way it'd be great all these years later to be like nah no no I definitely like like you know saying like bragging that I like hooked up with this girl I did a guy cornered me into

he's like you're hanging out of this girl all the time and cut in school what do you guys do you hook it up and I was like ah dude no no no and he kept going like it's like come on do you go in there you guys are cutting school together like two days a week and by the way I would have loved to but it wasn't like that with this chick really and and he's kind of like come on do you're lying

to me and eventually he just gave him like the well I don't know dude you know think whatever you think of me yeah he reversed gasoline I was like I mean he's a cop who got a guilty confession out of like I'm guilty guy I had like I had like a what do you think you said what happened happened I don't know maybe it did no no I had to go what do you think I mean you're right I am over there a lot right so I guess whatever yeah and I almost purposely I avoid trying to be like I have had sex with her because but he was just giving me so much shit like you'd be gay if you didn't you're over there so much and you're like well not gay I'm not gay so You do the math, I guess.

And then another guy liked her and was like, yeah, I would, but you're having sex with, you know, Jay or whatever. And she was like, pardon? Come again? And then instead of doing what most people do in that situation was her coming and yelling at me and I could have told her it's not the way you think of what happened here or blah, blah, blah, is that she told her parents who were very Jewish and very litigious to, they called and they just yelled at me, gave my parents. parentship what's that noise loo that's crazy what is that that's a computer is it really yeah

oh I thought it was a chopper was lightning yeah yeah yeah it sounded like that we are next to eish in one of those news places where was I had Mikey give you back on track uh gay AIDS oh yeah gay AIDS is that really where we were

no you were saying um very Jewish parents Jewish parents yeah litigious yeah litigious gay AIDS um and they called yeah and it was like then it got to the school like my parents were like you have to apologize and I did apologize but I'm not even

actually I'm not even over explaining myself I'm just apologizing going like I didn't really like it's not what I meant to make people think and blah blah blah but I'm a kid so it's going it's weighing on the heart how old are you ninth grade

so like what 12 13 yeah 14 14 14 I was I was the young person in my grade 13 14 yeah 13 yeah so and I just want you to call it and they flipped out and then got to the school and then my mom had to come in with me and they said that I was going to be expelled or I had to do this like assembly thing where they're going to talk about

being like responsible for lying about people and yeah yeah like slander slandering people and making up lies and I had to go buy a fucking suit and everything and my mom I remember but it was so funny I thought it was so me and my mom my mom so young with me too that I thought it was like such a cut and dry we were going to have a good laugh at least when the guy was like you're going to have to switch schools if you don't do this assembly. And I was like, well, Principal Harris, it's been a pleasure. I guess me and my mom are going to be moving down the old road there. We'll see where it goes from here, man.

You got an ashtray, principal Harris? Yeah, my mom was like, no, we're going to the big and tall fat kid store. And we're going to get you a husky, double-breasted fucking suit. And you're going to go up there and do that. And, man, I tried to make it funny. I mean, I made it as funny as I could. Funny enough that she did not appreciate the apology. How long did you do?

Minutes. You see what had happened was. Y'all got me all wrong. Now, when we're just waiting, pure 90s stop. Now, honey dip, then hang with me. We'd be knocking boots. Surely come home with me every day. What'd you think of all happen?

What'd you think of all happen? Dude, my mom came on the bus because this is like when we were little. I was in like third grade. I guess I talked a lot. And the kids started calling me Ralph Mouth. And so, I bought me one day in school, I told my teacher. She goes, what's going on? I go, everyone's calling me Ralph Mouth, and it sucks.

Did it make her laugh immediately? She's like, yeah. She's like, that's not cool. And then she told the class, she goes, no one is allowed to call him Ralph Mouth anymore. And I was like, oh, that's enough. That's good enough. Now they're calling him Danny most. The teacher went and called my mom to tell it what happened.

the bus pulls up to my house I see my mom at the door come out to the bus I'm getting I go no no no no I go to get off she goes wait right here she gets on the bus I'll just let you guys know no one's gonna call my son Ralph Maloney and the kids are like oh my god I was like no no I don't think mom's what I'm picturing her I wanted to be like an old moo-moo and like saggy tits flopping around you I'll tell you He's like, look how upset you made him. I'm like, stop, stop. Look at my sad boy out there.

I brought bagels for everyone the next day. I was just like, maybe this will tie things over. Guys, maybe a light gnaw before, uh, Mr. Mouth has a little gift for everyone. That's great, dude. Oh, do your mom coming to defend you is fantastic. The worst, the worst. I think my mom ever defended, my mom would just throw me. She, it wasn't that she didn't at my back.

It was just that my mom definitely had. at a very Philadelphia, like, yeah, sort that out, dude, that's what it is. Yeah, I don't. It wasn't the thing, if I was like, if I was like there's a kid at school that's like, you know, it's like, I think, like, we're going to end up being in a fight. It's like going to this direction, you know what I mean, and like, almost saying that to her with like a, and she's going to offer now to make this right in some mommy way. And then she would be like, you know, she just kind of had like the, well, you know, hopefully it doesn't come to that. But, you know, if it does, if it does, just, you know, you got to like, stand up for yourself, you know, you know, I'm like, all right. You know, I don't have a, I just have a mother telling me that and not a father teaching me how to do it.

I don't do that. Go stick up for yourself. He goes, if I were you at scratch, like crazy, like really go for eyes? She goes, hide a razor in your ponytail. Oh, we got to take a break, everybody. Steve Renazizi is going to be at the Comedy Loft in Washington, D.C., October 10th and 11 for tickets and all of his tour dates. Go to Steve Renazizi.com. And, of course, Mike Finoa is on tour with Ron White all fall in winter for dates.

on that, go to punchup.com. Live slash Mike Fenoya and his podcast, Are We Old? Make sure you follow that on R.E.O., at R.E.old, on all socials, and at Mike Fanoia. BigJ.comedy.com. Stress Factory this weekend. Appleton, Wisconsin, next weekend. Calgary, Pittsburgh, Portland. All coming up.

BigJ.comedy.com. YouTube.com slash Big J. Okerson. I'm doing some live streaming now. Next one happened in this Thursday night, I believe. Bobby Kelly is going to be a comedy to Carlson, Rochester, October 10th, and 11th. After that, Tampa, IMEas, Pennsylvania, New Orleans. for Skangfest, of course. For tickets and office tour dates,

go to punchup. live slash Robert Kelly. We'll be right back with Stephen Mike. It's the bonfire.