The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Rambling Everyman (feat. Mike Finoia)

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

To the delight of the Bonfire, John Mellencamp left the stage because the crowd didn't want to hear him drone on.

And now, The Bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. Oh, me on my own, would you look at me so high oh She's running around with her rag top down She says I wanna do right but not right now Damn, I remember showing Christine this song. Christine wrote this. If she didn't. Man, Christine, if you didn't have me, you wouldn't know your album from your asshole. You'd be listening to the same two Fleetwood Mac songs over and over again.

You dumb dipshit. Saying I could be Stevie Nicks if I wasn't me. You just got jaded, Christine. Enjoy the new Jade. Fuck that shit, dude! Fuck that ass, dude! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh shit! You might throw me a cup of dollars. You can really taste that one. That's my favorite. Well you know what the sound is.

That's the alleged audio of P. Diddy fucking Meek Mill on the butt. You didn't know that? I did not know that. Oh, listen to it again then. Mike, you got Jade. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! man. Fuck that ass, man. Fuck! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'd say it's probably let's go with it's more than likely not P Diddy and Meek Mill fucking but I Love that the guy stands by it. It's just this dude is like I was out of how They went in the room thought it having sex. So yes, our audio recorded it. I was out of how yeah, look at the guy

the guy All the champagne was spike son like all the champagne was spike everybody was passed the fuck out. I don't drink I don't drink so I was playing that shit off like I don't fucking drink believe this I smoked nigga Like I smoke and I had my own weed but like everybody was passed out Yo, did he had that man in the room. Yes, I put my ear to the fucking door and I brought the phone because Diddy started going in overdrive. I ain't know what the fuck was going on,

but I just heard balls slapping against ass cheeks. I heard niggas struggling and take dick. I heard niggas being like, daddy. Like when he start all that daddy this and daddy that. And then I heard some hollering and struggling like, yeah, I went when I went when he started all that daddy this and daddy that and then I heard some hollering and struggling Like yeah, I kept the phone there and I recorded all this shit cuz I was like this nigga diddy bitch So I'm pinna finna put the squeeze on and give me a couple dollars and just saying, you know I'm saying There's nobody believed that that was really diddy beat me back. No one believes you were in a place where this would be happening Wait, right?

Wait, right. Somebody throw me a couple dollars That's how we end the thing somebody throw me a couple dollars and say that he'd have legitimacy somebody throw me a couple dollars Please for that entertainment Basically like that was like DIY cameo Christine give one more taste of that butt fucking sesh. I mean, it is insane. Man, backyards rule. Yeah, they do. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, the champagne was spiked.

All the champagne was spiked. Tell you what, man. He doesn't drink. That's your stomach hurts the next day from whatever butt fucking that was. You're pooping different for a year. At least. Christine, you know what you would like looking at on, Stomach hurts the next day from whatever butt fucking that was you're pooping different for a year at least Christine you know what you would like looking at on whatever that that the backyard little thing you went on they have dug in

sunken into the yard fire pits so they dig deep down and then they actually make like a Circle and it's like you can't even see it great. It's just covered up nice and low and then they put the pit even lower So the smoke doesn't really conversation pit, but outside it's that like that look at the other one to the left Fucking great yeah Deep deep they're making the whole goddamn thing. Yeah, everything's gotta be a fucking cocksuck. I don't see your process She's stupid asshole. I'm dickhead. I'm gonna watch you fucking shaving your pubes. What a fucking cocksuck. I don't see your process you stupid asshole. I'm dickhead Watch you fucking shaving your pubes with a fucking jag Jagaloon there you go. Yeah, look at that sunken in like that. That's nice. That is nice. That's real nice I looked at a house the other day that had a nice fire pit. I don't have zero anymore

Christine stole that from me. I keep anything from you. Why don't you let him look at Zillow? I let's me look at Zillow. I just go hey, do you ever look at Zillow? I let's me look at so I just go Hey, do you ever look on till what is your dream place? What would you like to be and she just goes this not this and not that and not a thing How far is it from here? I went like to go there how set up an appointment with the realtor? I went looked at it. Yeah, I don't know what about this. Is there a dry cleaner nearby? Sopranos house house that's all I said. I don't know what it is and then I show her things she goes that's cool it's just it's so

unrewarding to share this fantasy shopping with her. You get excited at fantasy shopping. I'm fantasy shopping. I know I know I know. She's a buzzkill and I take her shine. Together we are two fucking dulled out balls banging into each other on a couch A couple of now that's me and Christine fucking Oh

shit Oh, Zillow. Oh, shit. Into a pool. It's all about, nowadays, I swear to God, it's like the false advertising on Zillow, when they put a silk hat on a pig of a house, and they turn all the lights on, and they take a picture from some fucking back angle

with a wide angle lens. The nighttime shot with all the lights on the house, she's like, this place glows. And then there's another one that was already sold that I liked. You're insane. I'm not insane at all. I said now that I have my puppy Dawkins,

a yard makes more sense. Good. Go pick out a house. Fenced in yard? Would you do a fenced in yard, or would you put an electric collar? No, fenced in. No.

Christine wants to live. Invisible fence. It's the same place we live right now for the rest of our lives. Never go anywhere. Nobody said that. You're making that up. Well, that's where you anywhere Nobody said that you're me well, it's where you're gonna be oh That's where we're at now. No more Zillow. I'm not moving anywhere. That's what I'm saying that move right there She just did is the whole thing she goes if we were gonna stay in the city

I would like to look around Chelsea and like but I don't even have anything in me that says I'm gonna stay in the city No, and so I know she'd rather stay in the city. She's, she will move out to a house or at least try it, but she will, but she's not. And that makes me, that just takes the wind right out of the sails. That's not fun. I like having a yard.

I do like having a yard. That's something I like. You have nothing. You have and will continue to have nothing. You have and will continue to have nothing. You got it. You got to be careful, though, with going to Jersey, because if you do Newark and you start flying United, you're going to fucking hate it, dude. I flew United plenty of times.

Let me just listen. I got exit row this time. I got poor man's comfort plus because I don't I don't have any cred with United Sure, and I was sitting an exit row. That's my bum. I'm the lack of I got major street cred over at Delta Yeah, you should live on the east you should live on the other side of the river and stay on the LaGuardia JFK side okay, Southern Connecticut Westchester, Long Island because United's a piece of shit and I And I was flying and I sat exit row and I went to put, they go pull, they did what they did to you.

Open your window, open your window. I go to open it and the window frame came off and I was now holding a piece of the exit row door in my hands and I'm like thinking about that fucking Alaska exit row door that just flew off. You never know. So I put it back on and the lady sitting over here just... You gotta be like Bobby.

You have to have serenity and courage to accept the fact that you're probably gonna fly out of the door of this plane in the air. Literally. I was holding a piece of the fucking... That's what beating addiction is about. That's the 13th step. Staying calm while the door of an airplane flies off mid-flight Holding it at 30,000 feet. I don't like it never happened to me on Delta

I've had Delta fall to pieces on me too quite honestly It's really and I'm the more I look the more I do ice wall I don't look at all anything now, but I was my keep my peaks on Long Island. I shut it down now because Christine has Broken me but when I keep my peaks on Long Island, I shut it down now because Christine has broken me. When did you take Zillow off your phone? I'm a broken man. You sent me Zillow listings like yesterday. You have Redfin though? There's no way I sent you one yesterday. I didn't send you one for over a week, probably.

You have Redfin under 20-20 taxes? Uh, yes. No Zillow. I got rid of Zillow on my phone. If I went back to it, I don't even have a sign in, so. I know, it sucks, because I it's all all my hearts are gone Gone, I sent you a call my little hearts are gonna be gone if I ever get Zillow back. It's like starting fresh over What would it take? What would it take for you guys to to just find a middle ground on this?

What do you need from Christine to get Zillow back on your phone some enthusiasm? Jay has to wait a little bit before I can buy anything. Maybe a hard line move. Just a move. I think if Christine would move back to California, it would probably be easier. She found a DeLorean perhaps, that went to 88. No, she doesn't want to.

And it just takes the wind right out of my sleeve. You just don't want to move to the suburbs, Christine? Is that what it is? I think that I've come around to it more in the last couple of years since we have the dog. I wish I could play my stepmother's voice while I heard Christine's voice. It's just that, and here's bad news, and blah, blah, blah.

And if we do this now, blah. Yeah, that's quite my fault. Diane. Diane. She has a's quite my fault. Diane. Diane. She had a Diane voice. Gary. I don't really get your humor. Diane whipped her dad in shape

and made him stay with his family. That's my stepmom. Gary, Gary. Gary, stop doing that and do this. Diane doesn't want me to. She doesn't like me smoking. He's like, Jay, can I bum 45 cigarettes before she gets here?

Diane doesn't like me. Smell good. My teeth fall out. My teeth fall out. My breath smells like cigarettes. He met us in Cleveland and smoked all your cigarettes. It's great. Hello, dude.

Fucking smoke up, Pop. He's like, doctor says I shouldn't. The next one could kill me. Can I bum one? I go, yeah, dude. Can I tie two together? I'm not your dad. Seriously, I don't think you're gonna get anything.

Bro, kill it. This next segment is brought to you by Metro. What is not a yada yada? It's a fun way of saying something serious. No BS, which is important during tax season. Metro won't screw you over with surprises, tricks, secrets, gotchas, or bullshit. Switching to Metro means saying no to compromise.

In this segment, we're going to hear the possible Bonfire theme songs bonfire Take it away Take it away Take it away TJ Lou, who is that? I love it Nathan Allen Nathan Allen It's Nathan Allen's submission for the Bonfire theme song I... I'm a crackle motherfucker

I love that I like it, I like it I... I love that. I like it a lot. I love that. I like it a lot. I didn't like it at like the first when it started I was like oh again you never know what the genre is going to be exactly and I was like oh it's a little like punky and I'm not a huge punk guy and then it just caught me immediately that was great. That was really good.

That was a good one. Nathan Allen okay. We got a hit we was really good. That was a good one. Nathan Allen, okay. We got that one, and what was the other one we liked? Correct. There's two, right? Crash Face from London. Yeah.

This is Crash Face. ["Crash Face"] Oh yeah. I like this one too. I I Want to hit the up the last one that's such a good one I like that one cuz I like I was one of my name do they Bobby Kelly Kelly Bobby Kelly I want to be brought up like that Everyone Bobby Kelly give it up for Bobby Kelly I want to be brought up like that. Everyone, Bobby Kelly.

Give it up for Bobby Kelly. There's a third, right? It's all right. I can't get it out of my head. Bobby Kelly. Bobby Kelly. Big J and Bobby Kelly. I like that.

Jacob, you missed the song. He heard it. No, the first one. He wasn't there. How is Jacob cold in Florida? So many layers. The sun in his windows making me hot. Jacob, where were you on the break? Show me the bed.

And I don't want to see a bunch of dolls with cum stains on them. Mitch C.V. Now, I would tell you,'re not this is guaranteed happening I haven't run this by anybody at all but when we did this a long time ago kind of idea there was something to the idea of one is the pre-records intro and then we have our live intro because a little like strummy one like this is a good vibe for the pre-record you're like yeah, yeah Just sitting back By the fireside

At the bonfire Overdo the ours fire here Damn, it's good to they're all good. That was a good one. That gave me another thing everybody I think we should get we should get some more entries before we I know it's a big ass. Well, it takes a while But all three of those fantastic. I think we'll find a way to incorporate these songs forever, by the way. I don't even think it's ever a waste. All three of those were awesome.

There can obviously only be one winner of the ultimate. What's the email, though? The ultimate prize. Where do they send submissions? We're sending to thebonfireseriesxm.com. Yeah. Nailed it. Thebonfireseriesxm.com.

Took 10 minutes, but we got it. Nathan had the cowbell song. Mitch had the cowboy song. And Crashfire at seriesxm.com. Took 10 minutes, but we got it. Nathan had the cowbell song. Mitch had the cowboy song. And Crash Face has the punk song. They were all so good. And we can still open for more submissions. Everybody know that. So the bar has been set high.

And what did we learn today? That if you're gonna enter this contest, you can't show up with a bunch of yada yada. But don't take yada yada in life. Don't take yada yada from your wireless provider Metro by T-Mobile has no contracts no credit checks No surprises and nada yada yada stop by one of over 6,000 metro stores nationwide Um, I want to hear this John Mellencamp. So me and Christine Josh together right three of us

So John Mellencamp is just me and you are you guys tickets? Remember? Right three of us. So John Mellencamp is just me and you are you guys tickets? Remember? No, no John Mellencamp That's you're thinking of I think of Michael McDonald. Yes we saw him at the beacon with Josh and He talks John Cougar Mellencamp talks and talks and he's got long stories They're definitely fake and every one of them is just to kind of keep his heartland energy okay his his America energy of things because he goes uh the story we saw I don't know if it's that story do you know if it's that story he's telling I don't think so because he

has a story about a girl girl yeah no and he goes I remember one time I was in a California and I was eating dinner at this place with these record executive people types. You know the types, they're all you need. I can't even pronounce anything. They're eating it all. I go, me, I just think, can you give me a ham hock and my mom's stew, like whatever bullshit.

I'm like you. Minute rice, people. He's like, he said he had like philat mignan. I don't know. I mean, what am I? Perrier what is I'm confused. I'm just a you I'm just you I'm like you out there. I don't need a high tuna Lowest tuning you got I'm a regular person. Oh, you got. I'm a regular person. I'm on a low, tuna. I'm a real good dancer. He's telling people he's a good dancer in his life. I know how to drive stick.

I know, I'm a real good dancer. So he says, I'm having dinner with these execs and they're eating all this food, I don't even understand. And then I see a girl keeps passing by outside this young girl. And then so I eventually go out to her and I go, excuse me sweetheart. Are you okay and she goes What did she ask for first like I need some money to get a home

He goes where's home and she's like, Massachusetts or something. He goes, where's your family? She goes they don't want me there and the crowd goes. Oh And she goes, they don't want me there. And then the crowd goes, oh. And he goes, I know, I know. And I said, well, can't you call them or something? And she goes, I don't have any. You know, there's just always, she has no way. And she goes, so I gave her a little bit of money.

And then she just snatched it out of my hands real fast. And she ran off in the distance. And then she looked back at me and she said, thank you, mister. Now I don't have to have sex with somebody tonight before dinner for money Yeah, this song was about that piece of shit It was so and I'm doing a very short version of how long this goddamn stupid And he changed it by the way cuz we watched it online sometimes you go So now sometimes he gets like a he's feeling a little looser

Maybe doesn't see so many old biddies in the audience and he goes and she turned around and said thanks mister Now I don't have to suck dick today for money cool. You believe that this You really say he's that it's bad shit you find that speech at all before we watch this one even? Just give him a little taste of that. It's fucking crazy. What's he doing? He's patting himself on the back too. Just for fucking giving... Every speech was a little bit of that, a little bit of like... Man, you know, I've been famous for so long, but I gotta tell you something.

Me, I still got dirt under my fingernails. I don't care. I screw my own things in the back of walls. He's like, I could wet my ass with babies if I wanted to. But instead I just use, I don't know. Like live rabbits? What am I gonna buy a bedette like one of these AIDS people? What do I need a French spit cup in my ass? French spit cup. I'm alright gentlemen. I'm a real good dancer though. But I'll tell you what, I'm a right, gentlemen.

I'm a real good dancer though. But I'll tell you what, I'm a real good dancer. My asshole might be a little itchy. I got some brown in my trunk. For years and years. Do we have any other one? I want to see this. You can't find it?

We had four. Is he just tuning the whole time too? Is he doing that? No, it's script. It's so weird. I promise you on the sheet of paper, it goes, John's goddamn story. Like, number seven. Yeah, goddamn story.

John's goddamn story. Drummer pee break. I mean, dude, it's bat shit. Why does he do that? Nobody wants to hear him fucking tell stories. It's... Well, because he just doesn't have good story. If he had good story...

I believe he's been, like, out of the loop of Hollywood and blah, blah, blah. I believe he's long-winded. He just doesn't have good story. I believe he's been out of the loop of Hollywood and blah, blah, blah. I believe he's just like that guy. That's not his world. But he also is a guy, when they go to dinner, they go to a lovely place. You know what I mean? It's like John Cougar Mountain Camp,

which is Mr. Chow's and shit like that, or the Ivy. So he goes to a sceny place where celebrities would go. He's not like, man, point me to a cracker barrel. Who needs this bullshit? Yeah, this place don't got a dollar menu. Smith and Walensky doesn't have a dollar menu. Yeah, Smith and Walensky. Whoa, what am I, a plantation owner?

I'm just you. I'm like you. He wants to eat at a picnic near a lake. I put my dungarees on one leg at a time. His $5,000 dungarees over his $10,000 boots. He's like I just want a hot dog with sauerkraut. I bet he fucking smokes Benson and Hedges and puts them in a Marlboro box. Benson and Hedges in a Marlboro box. He smokes them like this. He cuts Virginia Slims and puts them in a Marlboro box. He's like, these are broadleaf.

Cougar. What do you think Cougar's driving right now? You think he's driving around in a souped up pickup truck, or you think he's got Rolls Royces and Benzes and shit? I believe John Cougar is the real deal to some degree. I bet this guy's got a ranch. I bet he's got a couple animals, maybe. Horses, for sure. I believe in that regard. I believe. I bet he's got a couple animals, maybe. Horses, for sure. I believe him. I believe him in that regard.

I believe, to some regard, he's got that. But I'm telling you, his lifestyle overall is like... Wealth. He just has wealth. So, there's no... You know what I'm saying? Whatever he has is the nicest thing of it. Of course. Of course. I'm sure his house looks like a goddamn log cabin.

Remote Montecito home. Yeah, look at that room. He's in this This is like a deleted scene from Django Do you look at it up see it this is his house yeah, he's a pretty good dancer What's that a human head on the side of the fucking? Oh? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like the god. This is like where the The like Prince Harry moved to and where Oprah lives in California. This is like the next step.

It's like overlooking the thing. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's gorgeous. Keep going, keep going up on it. Yeah, it's phenomenal. Yeah, that's a very good one. Now here's the thing. It's not necessarily like, you know,

I'm sure like, you know, when they go, Brad Pitt's $10 million, everything's made of glass and shit. It's definitely more homey feeling than that. But like, look, he's got the best range, the Viking range. Yeah, no, of glass and shit. It's definitely more homey feeling than that. But like look he's got the best range the Viking range Yeah, no, of course. Yeah to make his fucking minute rice This Viking range sure can boil a dog I'm sure it's close more than that. I'd say right now. I think it's probably I mean for the career He's had his overhead and stuff. I'm sure it's close. More than that, I'd say, right? No, I think it's probably about, I mean, for the career he's had,

his overhead and stuff, I'm sure he owns, he's liquid probably a little more. You know who I was always fascinated with? I was gonna say, it's just a lovely place. It's not that it's the greatest place in the world, because that's his sense of being like, It's a beautiful house. I'm just being, I'm just a guy being a guy.

And then he goes like, Alexa, close all the blinds Alexa by Rhode Island. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. Yeah with a hot tub Looking over fuck you junker. You know like anybody. Hey guys human wheels go round and round, right? Yeah, he's like Alexa blow up my neighbor's house little ditty about Jack and Diane Jack fell ass backwards into a zillion dollars doing the best They can they're not showing the pool, but you know, there is slapping on a B Little ditty about Jack and Diane Jack fell ass backwards into a zillion dollars doing the best they can Slapping on a bee. Uh, nah, man. I don't get in pools man too much ash pools get on me. Yeah pools wet my cigarettes Sucking home till it all

Slapping dick You know who always I I thinks the real deal. I think Seeger is the real deal Oh the Seag think's the real deal? I think Sieg is the real deal. Oh the Sieg for sure. Sieg is the real deal. I bet he's with the same woman he was with since the 70s and he's never stopped hitting her. And I bet her name's Barb. Her name's Barb for sure and he puts hands on her. But she stays. Loving and hurting. Yeah. Come on baby just don't speak to me when I'm singing Catmandu. I think I'm going to Catmandu. You know when I hear Catmandu, I get all honked up. I heard that he flies home on private jets

after every single show so he can be home. Damn, that and Everyman. Yeah, it's an Everyman. Winning Everyman. Yeah. Here I am on the road again. Oh, I'm home. Oh, yeah.

Smoked the day's last cigarette. Well, that was quick. That was quick. Okay. Here I am. I'm a private jet. Yeah. Limousine back to my house.

I'm a young man driving a Teterboro airport to fly private. Kiss my wife and kids, and then I go fuck the maid. Annette Sinclair is his wife. Yeah, he's, no, it's Juanita Doricot. Yeah. And he's been married to her since 1993. It's his third wife, but the other two he was only married to for a year each. Can you zoom her in a little bit there?

Juanita? Juanita. Look at Sieg's. Look at the Sieg's. By the way, she's, for him, she's hot as hell right now. You can't believe it's happening. She's 20 years younger than him at a spry 62. She's 62. He's 82. He's 400. Wow. Yeah, he looks fucking... She's got problematic tan though. Yeah, she really does.

That's an addictive tan. Catamandu! So let's hear John Cougar. Okay, let's not get far away from him. I want to hear him leave the stage angry. So this is apparently... He gets heckled by his fans. And we did see him. He does not like the people talking back, because people, when he was rambling his stories at the Beacon, some people were kind of giving like a, we love you, kind of like, bejovial, like, you know. On with the show. It's like, dude, I can die.

You know, kind of thing like that. And he's like, hey, man, you don't fucking, I'm not done talking, I'm telling a fucking story. You want to, you know, the crowd are kind of are gonna be like yeah that guy is an asshole in the audience This is more John cougar house This is other house at the lake Oh good He goes I don't understand what they said some FWAHS GRAHS

Goose you can't eat goose man where I come from Caviar? Yeah I'm a big game hunter I kill a P where I come from. Caviar? Yeah, I'm a big game hunter. I kill a puma. I'll eat it. I'll kill a puma with my love of America. Go ahead, play this thing of him getting angry on stage. You know what?

Show's over. Show's over? You're well familiar with John Melton. Wait, no, this is the one that I was sent. That was pretty quick. It's funny. There's a video where he's talking and then you hear the guy saying a song.

No, I know. That was from the chat. So I got to find another video. What do you think he says? You're short. Show's over. Fuck you. Your story sucks, dude.

Play some Tom Petty. Play a song. Play some Tom Petty. You know what? You guys don't want to hear my story. And then this girl didn't even have to suck dick tonight because of me Then you could suck the silence You ruined it

It's this guy you play Jack and Diane asshole. I'm going home You don't care about this young slut who I bumped into this one time when I was eating complicated foods with my big-time Hollywood agents When I was buying that Smith and Wollensky just to burn it down later. You play it. It's in G, dick. A rain on the scarecrow, blood on the plow. Come on out and dance. It's the bonfire everybody and you're listening to the podcast version which is free.

Half of it's free. You get half the show. Do you really want half? No, don't you feel like you missed the other parts? Right? It's like being half jacked off. Sign up right now at SiriusXM.com slash Bonfire to subscribe for the full show. Plus you get all the music channels, you get Howard Stern, you get all the other comedy

channels, sports. You get Howard Stern you get all the other comedy channels sports and to get our full show sign up for a serious XM subscription at serious XM dot com slash bonfire support our show subscribe Is it John cougar fucking jerkface more like John cougar jerkface Good one Jacobs always on on board I appreciate this you guys listen my long stupid story he's like you like my painters outfit what you doing if this I'm going to Elvin for a Murphy Brown reunion By night I moonlight as a recycling truck I'm a man at work. I'm the sixth village person go play it. Sorry And she went it's just like you buddy Well, I shouldn't have said that, because here came that little orthorhynic finger right in my face,

and she went, it's just like he buddied to be a smart aleck when I'm talking to Jesus. Oh, this is a grandma thing or something. Then it got real quiet. Play some music. Oh. That's great. So someone said play some music. He said, I forget what he said, but then he goes. Oh So someone said play some music I forget what he said then he goes he goes then it got real place He recorded goes if you play some music it wouldn't Nobody wants to hear about the one time your nan and said something about Jesus just play a fucking song

play her so good Anyway, that was my grandma taught me the real meaning of what family was keep going it with this is there more yep let's see it Who he's so hurt he's so frozen and hurt He isn't that negative heckles in a long time Why is he a pasta fragile Here he goes you don't do he's so frozen is a complete negative. I don't care sing your stupid song, you know I don't it's the same as the guy in the audience going just do your jokes and you go now. I won't do any of them What do you do if you're good? I certainly don't go well, I'll tell you what I won't do

I don't go shows over shows over I would you hammer that guy get the crowd to turn on that guy and then you fucking do your song You know, I mean I would go what song you want to hear and whatever Pussy, bro, you probably couldn't even get your own day Give me a little more of this guy he's so upset you know what listen up to here jerk he's doing the he's doing the Darren Frost after he caught the the the rocks last to the gut he goes if that guy isn't kicked out of here I'm calling the pops cuz that's a salt cunt cunt that's what he's doing really he's doing like you don't know me cunt.

You see the thing that gets me is the amount of time he's just staring at him chewing gum. Yeah. Letting the crowd just go ooooo. He's like I don't know what to do. He literally getting hot. Let me go to my the things I can pull off here. Let's see I good musician, real good dancer. I keep a clean house on a cliff. I rained on a scarecrow, went on a plow, bought six forty seven farms. Yeah, I own a whole stable of reindeer. That's when the smoke was a smoke. Grooving was grooving. Got more.

I like, can you back it up a little bit? I like how frozen with fuckin' hmm, this hasn't come up in fifty-one years. This is crazy how shocked he is. The last time this happened to him, it was, he was a teenager. Yeah, he was playing at a bar where he could fight the dude now.

I mean, for sure. Ridiculous. I'm not sure if I can back it up, let me hit play. He's frozen as fuck. Good. Let's see if's get up top Shut up you midget Did I wish John cougar has to see me after that show I would still enjoy the rest of the songs I go yo as soon as it's for now. I don't go out back and beat the shit Remember that day when I beat the shit out of the Junkers or the Melancholians. Remember that day when I beat the shit out of Coog or Melancholians?

Yeah, remember we went there, he rocked the house, stories were a little long and the tooth, but then I fucking beat the living shit out of him outside that back the beacon. It was wild. Remember I made him suck on my chili dog? His whole band and security linked arms around us like dazed and confused So we would not, so no one would break it up. I came here to do two things, listen to Coog and drink some beer. It's like we're almost out of beer. I'm going to kick the Kug's ass and chew some gum.

It looks like the thing that goes across is up top, Christine. Is that where you back up? Yeah, it does look that way. But if I click it, nothing happens. OK, then just play. Let's watch it. Guys, I can stop this show right now and just go home. Watch it So butter

Dude that's really great. He's like, I'll get you back where you were Your arthritic grandmother was pointing her finger and said, boy, you listen. Don't ever interrupt Jesus again. Go, go. From there. And see. He goes, anywho. So she's pointing at Jesus.

I said, do your song. All right, come on, you son of a bitch. You're lucky, Grandma. Do you even care about farms? Yeah. Go. Gabu. Gabu. His mother's dead. You're lucky grandma's not here. Do you even care about farms? GABOO! His mother's dead, bud. That's a really funny thing to add on right there. He goes,

And then she pointed her finger and said, don't interrupt me while I'm talking to you. GABOO! His mother's dead, bud. That's when Jesus threw a rocks glass at me. That's the day that Jesus threw a rocks glass at me. That's the day that Jesus threw rocks glass at me. I wrote this song. I let him get it, I dropped it down my hand He might as well get it in the heartland But you know what fuck y'all what a knob I kicked the guy out like one guy calls out you fucking it's like I know that he was flustered or whatever But I'm like you know

Come on you put yourself in the oh, I'm not taking John Mellencamp So I mean fuck that guy for heckling whatever he's a jerk off, but like kick him out You have to deal with it. I mean you're gonna listen if you're good job Melon Camp is so bored of these stories I can't believe you still wants to tell him every night. That's what I mean add two more songs. You didn't play You're gonna end the show though. Like how far to ruin Jack and Diane Don't worry. He was getting ready to do a shitty version Seriously, right that wasn't even the right way to play. I mean, that's what he did. He did Acoustic guitar did the whole time late at the wrong when to play it. That's what he did. He did it. He acoustic guitared it the whole time.

You played it the wrong way. When we saw it, we saw this concert. So he did acoustic guitar that song the whole time. You hate that. You personally hate that. You like, there are certain. That fucking jacking, not the one. Not the one.

Not the one. Right, no, if you're going to, and if it was like an acoustic evening with John Mellencamp, then at least you know what you're getting into, right? But especially, and I agree with you about this, where it's like there's certain bands, you wanna see them play the way that they fucking play it. John Cooke and Melon Camp has many hits.

He's got one iconic song. That's it. It's Jack and Diane. That's it. You gotta play that to the thing. I know he's sick, I understand as a performer, he's sickest of playing that one. Of course. That's the one he's overplaying.

Put a smile on dickhead. John Popper told me that one time, he'll never not smile and pull out that harmonica when someone goes, can I hear Runaround? He goes, it's paid for everything in my life. Yeah, think about your fucking life. Everything in my life has been paid for by that single going huge.

You wanna hear Runaround again, dude? I'll do it like the album. Right, right, absolutely. No deviations, no whatever you want. You wanna just like the album is? I'm gonna do it just like the album right here for you. Close your eyes and play Jack and Diane and visualize your house carved out of the side of a mountain Yeah, I mean what the fuck dude. Who needs I'm telling you about my nanny you piece of shit

You're interrupting me interrupting Jesus god damn it. That's double jeopardy right there. These are big farm crimes, sir If we were back where I was from, these are major farm crimes. You'd get the switch on the dick for that one. You wouldn't get any of your ma's porridge at dinner. She's sending you to bed early without a candle in your room. You're going to bed hungry tonight. With no candle? You've got to write a book to read to yourself.

With no candle. And I'm taking away your quills and your your ink your inkwell I'm taking away your wooden whale farm toys toys taking away your wagon wheel Your sugar stick take your I'm taking all your vertical Lincoln logs only giving you Horizontals you can't have your little house on the Prairie blanket tonight. Seb says. Whatever dude. I swear to God. What the fuck? Don't tell stories. Yeah, really. Well listen

Someone in his life again, that's probably being that famous. No one's going like John Honestly, dude, like let's just fucking like they don't need the story like unless you got a real like people do like a little thing like this like When you do like this next one I changed my life this one what Billy Joel does that he's good at that this next one Here was my second out 1971 he's like and this was a No one really liked it at first it was a b-side then it caught on and it goes goes like that And he's you know he starts playing some song you're like, yeah. His things were like deviations. Like anybody here feeling more tired than normal? I don't know.

Maybe I woke up earlier today but I think, you know, I usually nap. It was a time difference. He's like going through lists of shit. I don't have to go to bed. I'd be up till about 11 but I do have a meeting in the morning. But tomorrow I can squeeze a two-hour nap and he goes this next one's called human wheels So can anybody experiencing rheumatoid arthritis This one's got scarecrows. Yeah, that's where the guy my eyes are going so much every day is a new adventure Can I see this or can I not see it and my prescriptions going with the breeze? I'll tell you This is a hurt so good

They're so good I would love it if he would just do like those type of like dementia talk-offs where it's just like I can't believe you pieces Of shit are still paying to hear me sing these fucking songs Him going like how am I still doing this? I didn't like this he goes Do you want to hear a song I did with Michelle Bambugi Uccello? He goes, do you wanna hear that song I did with Michelle Bambugi Uccello? Bumdiggy, Badongue Uccello. Badongue Uccello.

You know, Maynard does that a little bit where he gets a little high horse in the beginning with kind of like, you know, oh, we're gonna go on a journey tonight, but if you gotta take your fucking phone out and do that, you know what I mean? How he does that kind of. He's got a lot of that content, but it's one of the best, remember the old Saturday Night Live sketch,

the Frank Sinatra show, when he's young and everybody? I forget what he said, who the actor was. He goes, the people wanna like you, Billy Joel. He goes, why you always snarl him? People wanna like you. He goes, contempt for the audience, that's what ruins something something's career. And it really is that, your contempt,

who has that in Spades is Billy Corgan, oh yeah does not like it it's what it seems like I've only gone to two concerts mm-hmm and I love the smashing pumpkins I love I love their music yep and two cars I went to both of them I was like a little bummed not because the set list fantastic he. He double times the songs and speeds them up and he goes and then says like, dude rock on the range, he was like, he's like is this your guys first time smoking pot or something, geez.

All right and then he starts doing like tonight, tonight and you're like why are you mad? He's like yeah everyone hears Stone dude. It's like night time in an all day music festival you shit head. That's stupid, that's really stupid stupid I don't understand that contempt for the audience dude he just he doesn't like his own audience I never got I there are comics that have that dude like that don't like their own I love my fucking

audience so they're so sweet they're great I can't believe they want to pay money to watch me do dumb shit like so generally I like love them so I find that weird when someone has like a disdain. It's like, you know, I feel like, what's this face has that a lot? Bill Maher. Bill Maher is the person, you watch him, on his own show, he hates these claptor people.

He hates them. But there is audience that goes in his thing, but he'll turn on them sometimes, which I love. I think it's great when he does that. He's like, what are you doing? You're so easy. It's just your bite in the hand that feeds you. You know what I mean?

Like, I don't understand, like, unless that's part of your thing. Like, but why would anybody want to give you money anymore? You know what I'm saying? But also, I mean, take the note, like, buddy, how do you not feel that you're doing this blabbering on fucking show? Or call it that.

An evening with John Mellencamp, where he goes through stories and shows. And then people know what's getting in. This is a hits tour. I'll tell you what. Play the hits, dickhead. Speaking of Billy Joel, when I was a kid, he goes through stories and shows. And then people know what's getting in. This is a hits tour. I'll tell you what. Play the hits, dickhead. Speaking of Billy Joel, when I was a kid, he was doing that exact tour.

He was at Southern Connecticut State University in this little theater, and it was him telling stories. And it was him talking about how he writes songs and him answering questions and all that shit. And there was a little blind kid in the crowd and he was like, can I come play with you? And he brought him up and the kid fucking ripped it. It was but we knew what it was going to be and he was telling stories and you know you raise your hand and they come up and do Q&A with him and shit it's fantastic

but if we if I saw him at Hartford Civic Center and he was just telling fucking stories I'd be pissed off too you know what I mean? You know the other day I saw a callus on my big toe and uh You know what I mean? You know, the other day I saw a callus on my big toe. And you think that's a shoe issue or an activity issue? So I went to my podiatrist. This guy tells me he's booked up for a while. He can't tell for sure until he gets in there with an x-ray, if there's a broken bone maybe or a bunion forming.

So a couple of coffees later, I find myself in the waiting room getting a referral to a better podiatrist because I need a second opinion. Play Jack and Diane! No, okay. Okay. You want to play? You cocksucker.

Hurt Silk? You know what? Fuck you, I'm going home. The story sucks! Rain on the sca- I hate you, never mind. I'm going home. You guys suck. Oh, my money back, Cougar.

Little ditty about Jack and Diane, two men can, you know what? You guys don't even deserve it. I'm going to go play the whole show backstage to no one. You guys, you know what, I'm going to play this song backwards so you can kiss my ass. Little ditty about hunk and dude Diane. And then think about how awkward as fuck it was backstage, right, at this show. Well the best of it, the rest of the band had to stay

on stage for a minute and goes, he's head faking. He's coming back out, he's coming back out, and then they're just like, and then somebody, and then a bass player has to do this arm gesture to the audience, the, I don't know, like the arms up by the side, the emoji, I don't know. I think he's coming back. Do the band Five Finger Death Punch one time

when the lead singer was still fucked up. He's sober now. When he was fucked up, that's one of the best. The Five Finger Death Punch Memphis video, I think they call it. I'm pretty sure it was Memphis where the whole band leaves the stage except for the lead singer who's hammered. He starts playing drums

and like blah blah blah. Pretty great. I know we gotta take a break, the show's almost over. Flew by. Hanging out with Mike Fennoy everybody who's gonna be in Vermont Comedy Club this weekend everybody tomorrow through Saturday. MikeFennoy.com. I'm gonna be in Wise Guys Las Vegas Friday and Saturday.

Two shows each night. Get tickets. I think it's gonna sell out.'s hope to Christ huh Bobby Kelly's gonna be at the Ryde Comedy Festival in Houston Texas Thursday April 4th comedy mothership after that I'm gonna be in Jacksonville in the next week Virginia Beach San Diego Mike's gonna be with me there big Jay comedy comm Robert Kellyoy.com, it's the bonfire.