The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Ranch Life with Jason Ellis

Episode Date: September 7, 2026

In this second half of the Jason Ellis hang, he tries to help Bobby with his fear of spiders. Jason actually let a huge snake bite him to get over the phobia. Bob gets defensive when video of him is played screaming like a toddler because of insects. | Jason Ellis is living Jacob's dream life on a ranch in Utah but he has a surprising side job in an office. When he's not selling insurance or performing comedy, he's befriending gophers, riding horses, and roaming with buffalo. Got to thejasonellis.com for dates on his "I'm Not Gay Tour!" *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Crison and Robert Kelly. Welcome back to the Bonfire Faction Talk series XM 103, me and the great Robert Kelly, sitting hanging out with Jason Ellis today. He's in town. Always fun. Bobby, you know what? No, we'll wait at the live show. I don't want to... What, buddy? I don't want to... You have to show Jason this. I know. What? You like connecting with dudes. Oh, man. And being, like, you know, growing out with guys.

So I don't want to see how he sees you react to, you know, a... spider. This would be the thing about like this is why we couldn't be in the 50s. Like we'd be monsters in the 50s like we'd be monsters but we don't have a lot of the masculinity you required to be that kind of a guy in the 50s. Wait, he's scared of spiders. I'm going to say this okay. Because I can cue you. I'm going to, okay. What are you going to do? Put your balls on my face. It's a spider mate. It's a tarantula mate. I bet it's some sort of like psychotic Australian immersion thing goes, I'm going to put you in a tank of tarantulas for an hour. Dude, that kind of is how I was going to do it, but you work here.

So when I used to work here, I used to have, you know, a budget and people worked for me. So you could get somebody to bring a spider in here, and you just got to deal with it. No, we don't have a budget. Just get a big hairy one and let it bite you. I'm not afraid. And then you'll be like, whatever. That wouldn't scare me. We also don't have a budget.

Here's what happens to spider. It's super scary. We don't have a budget. We have no budget. We have no budget, and nobody works for the show. But you could do this. Don't like, you have, shut up. You got a whole team in here, shut up.

You think he's got a clocking spiders? You can say on the air, hey, anybody that can get a spider in here to bite him, bring him in, and then, and then you do it. Well, let's not say that. But here's a thing. Why not? Let's not put that other. I think you wouldn't be scared of it.

A brown recluse. I'm not, I, I, not a poisonous one, just like a big tarantula. But that's not fun. It has to bite Bobby and then the races do we get into the hospital fast enough to get the antidote. We could do. We make them play a game for the antidote. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm, okay, I'm not afraid of like... You are. Hang on to me. I'm not afraid of like a spider you bring in here to put in my hand. You will be. I'm afraid of rogue, wild in the... Because here's what happens. I was fishing the other day.

A snake came right out by my feet. I don't, it doesn't, I'm like, whatever. Here's a snake. It doesn't bother me. But the spider does. The reason why is because spiders, I feel like they're fast. Like, they go slow. And then they go fast

Snacks are fast But I feel like snakes are like Hey dude Don't bother me I won't bother you What I feel like spiders are like It's an insane theory you have That makes no sense

At all I'm far more afraid of snakes And spiders Yeah dude snakes are way more likely To be poisonous They're fucking faster I feel like a spider You can literally just go

squash it in your hand And then now it can't buy you It's the quickness of a spider You need to spend some time By yourself In the bush Maybe you go out in the bush And analyze

What is a spider compared to you in a fist fight. Because they... Who do you think is really scared when it comes down to it? It's not... Gross and fucking balls, you pansy. It's sick. It's an insect.

Like, you just got to be like, who the fuck do you think you are? Someone needs to say it to you. If I put a spider in here, Jay would fucking scream and jump on the ceiling like Spider-Man. When I could squeeze it like this? No, you wouldn't squeeze it. I bet you didn't even kill bees in your house. I bet she has to take care of it. I swing...

I swing punches of bees. Dude, listen, if there was a spider I'm not super afraid of bugs There's a dead bird and Jay had to get it A dead bird, I'm not afraid of a dead bird I don't love it I can't care about it I don't care about

I had a fight with pigeons once And it was scary I don't I the spider thing Is that they just move abruptly You're faster than a spider I'm not faster than a spider Yes you are

That's ridiculous Not that spider The amount of space you can cover With your leg strides And Hand to spider before a spider gets to your hand. It's a mental thing.

He's right. It's a mental thing. This spider is wild. This isn't a spider that you're going to bring somebody like somebody's pet. Wait, you do his video of him freaking out. Oh, yeah. He took him. He's God bless Bobby.

He films all of his lady-like reactions of things. We can just give you the audio. We can just give you the audio. You want to hear some audio of Bobby from another spider event? That was him. He tried to get a spider with a cup on the wall and he missed it and he went like this. Oh! You hear him?

I'm running? Dude, that's like he's so, like, the Halloween guy. Yeah, terrifier. But that's a spider. Can I just say something? This one, we were fly fishing on a river. And I was teaching my son about, you know, you're going to find the bugs at the fish eat. He picked up a rock.

This thing jumped out, jumped out at my son. My son was like, oh, look at the spider. So I was like, holy shit, that's a big spider. And then he nudged it with the fishing rod. and they fucking ran at me. You know what I was really just sitting there and then it abruptly goes and comes at me.

And then... Do you think it thinks it can kill you? I think it does. I think inside of it doesn't... It's like I'm gonna fuck this guy up. And I didn't make any... You think spiders like chihuahuas? This was a man, this is a man.

This is not as bad as the other sounds. Well, do we have the video the other one? Because that's pretty great. I'm looking for. You passed it, I think. It's like I saw it for a second. It's just the spider on the walls. These sounds come out of me

I don't know where they come from. I do. I think it's... The theater. Tribal. Everything's tribal. I think it's your love of the theater. I fadge.

It's your wanting to be a Broadway actor. You just got to, like, play with them alone. I would love a Tony. You know I want an award. Death of a salesman, dude. Ooh. Ah! I play this video.

Just play this one. This is us. Max is picking up rocks. Jesus Christ. That big ass. Oh, look at that big spider. Look at him. All right.

Don't hurt. Ah! What are you? What are you? What are you guys? Are you guys using sombo sticks to fucking kill fish? Except. There's one more part.

Max, Max goes, it's on your calf. And you screamed again? That's what I do. I don't have, by the way, if a spider was on me, I don't have like a, I don't have like a, oh, look at that. reaction I think I would definitely have like the fast thing but I don't think I make the you don't know that be of the ooey-oey noises I used to be scared of him and then I got pass up because people figured out I was scared of him so they just kept putting them on me and bugs on me and whenever I was high on the couch everyone they would always put them on my

neck or something until one day I flinch so many times that I was like you know what I hope it's a fucking spider fuck you guys and it and it cured me from flinching them but when I was I came back to Australia one time and this is back You know I didn't grow up in Australia. But don't do that. Australia doesn't count. It's all bullshit. You guys have boring and kangaroo.

You got spiders. We got spiders. You guys all come from tough criminals that were fucking sent away from other places. Yeah. It's just not true. You guys have the creepiest animal. There's animals that exist there that exists. It's just a weird rock that broke off.

They can't do nothing. It's just ones you haven't seen. You guys have houses with no doors and windows. It's a prison colony. Yeah, dude. What are you talking about? You have no highways. You have dirt roads.

You have to light the forest on fire once a year. Wait, did something happen to Australia? I haven't been for a while. Yeah, there was a fire. COVID. It hasn't actually recovered since COVID. Your spiders in Australia are fucking nuts. Dude, when I was, I came back to Australia once and smoked weed in my friend's house while he was at work and I was sitting there with a bonging my hand, looking at the TV on a couch.

And I'm watching the TV and I see, like, finger thing. Like, I'm looking this way. And I can see down here between my legs. like a thing that is crawling. And I'm like, what? And I'm real high too. Like I just did a huge fucking bong rib. And I'm like, it can't be what I think it is.

And I slowly bring my eyes down to it. And I'm like, you got to be like a fucking, as big as my hand walking up. So I went under the couch, under the couch, up on my dick. So now it's on my dick walking up like it's going to come up on my stomach. And you got hard. And I, dude, I fucking, I went, I touched it. with my hands like for a second

like with some I did some sort of weird brushing touching panic like I went and fucking jumped and ran outside and ripped my shirt off

and my pants off just in case it was still attached to me and then there's a neighbor that was like hose in her her front yard and I like

when I finished gotten on my clothes off then I saw her and I was like you know oh hi like I'm just because it's not my house either

so she's like There's this dude covered in tattoos that just came running out of a house and started flipping his clothes off. I'm like, Spider, I got a little freaked out. It's no big deal. I'm a friend of the guys. I don't like weird pets at all.

I said, the girl else, my virginity, too. Used to have me, she'd have to, like, I'd have to hold her fucking iguana. I didn't like that at all. You didn't know rat late rat girls that put the rats drink water out of their mouths? No, I've never seen that, but I had a girl one time that I put a decent amount of effort

into, like, hanging out with one night. And it just happened when she was a diner waitress, when I would come home from New York at night when I was going back and forth, like I'd see her a bunch and it was kind of like, you know, haphazardly hit on her. And then one day she was like, well, I'm off my shift. You know, it's like 5 a.m. or something. She's like, you want to come over. And then I was like, yeah, I'm like, oh, wow, it's happening.

And then she came out of her room and she was like, I'm waiting to meet my, but she had like two fucking rats on her shoulder. And I just left. Immediately, I was like, yeah, whatever you're going to make me do with these rats. I'm freaked out that you're touching them. I don't want you to touch me after you've touched that. Yeah, I don't like rats with the little, like, extra, like, big swollen sacks on their ass. Do you ever see those rats? No.

How have you gotten that close to a rat to see his assholes? A little... trying to help you with you fucking idiot I was scared of him and then I got cured by deal and I ended up doing I had him on the show I had a fucking what is it called the trantula big fucking hairy one and he was angry and the guy knew about my

fear he also cured my snake thing dude I was scared of snakes I've got a eight foot anaconda to bite me why do they have to bite you because now you know that there's nothing to fear what are you talking about if it wraps it around you and squeezes your body out of your mouth I got bitten by it I think it was three

times. I got the, I got a, uh, ESPN the magazine did a thing on me from radio and being a fighter or whatever, a skateboarder. So they, they brought the snake to my house and I had to hold this. They gave me the snake. This snake is pissed 24-7. He hates me. So if you don't hold him, he's already biting it straight away. And it's a fucking giant snake. So I'm in the pool and the photographer's got like a snorke a lot like he's some ESPN dickhead. He also had fucking, he also did coke off my fucking toilet seat and my wife at the time found it and he had a boulder in his nose while he was taking photos of me in the garage and I'm like this guy is fucking gacked out of him. He's like so can you lean over? I'm like what the fuck? So anyway, I'm in the water with

this fucking snake. I'm holding him and when I get underwater it's called the screaming issues. So they want me to let go of his head and scream underwater over and over again. So at one point it's working out and then I grab onto him. He hasn't bitten me and I'm like, okay, we're kind of friends, I slip for a second and his body goes around my eyes and around my head twice and it tightens and it shuts off my hearing. So I can't see and I can't hear and I fell over in the water. So I'm underwater. So I figure out where the bottom is and I stand up and I still have a mouth. So I'm like, it's crushing my head. It's crushing my head. Get it off. It's crushing my head. And people jumped in and got him off my head.

Yeah, let's do that. Now snakes don't, I don't sweat snakes because that guy I shot, I did, he bit me on the back of the neck, he bit me on the arm, like, we fought several times. But here's the thing, first of all. That would make me less afraid. It goes, all my fears had come true. The snake, the first time it was going to bite me, there were people holding it. And when he coiled up like he was going to bite me, I remember thinking, I'm out of my

fucking mind for keeping my hand here because he's clearly. His head was as big as my fist, and he was like, and I'm like, oh, here it comes. When he latched on, there was, like, I saw it hit, and I go, oh, my God, it's a giant snake is biting me. Yeah. But when the teeth went in and he bit, it was not as bad as a dog biting me. Like, the actual pain? I don't want to be bitten. It wasn't bad.

It's a razor sharp. I don't want to be bitten. His teeth snapped off in my arm and I had little, like, zip things, and they popped and teeth came out. But their teeth are backwards, like going, so you can't just pull it off. Anaconda have these little, eerie ones. They don't have the big long ones. Oh. Okay, then I'll do it.

You should. No. You're not scared of snakes. You're fine. You should get it. You can get a tarantial in here and it'll bite him. First of all, I don't have to be worried about a snake eating me because it would have to be the biggest anacona on the planet. The tarantial, I feel like.

If it was going to eat me. Nothing. The fur on him is itchy. It's more annoying than the bite. It's always terrible when you do a fat joke about yourself and you two dummies don't even a fucking. Was that a joke? Yeah. You're not fat.

I'm not, well, I'm not fat. No. Thanks. You look great, dude. Thanks, baby. Get the goods, baby. You guys are really good looking for your age, you know? Oh, man.

You don't have to throw the last part, right? Oh, Bobby. You are old. There's a hairy tarantula. It was too gay not to. You're old too, Santa Claus? What the fuck you're talking about? Harry tarantula?

Dude, the one that doesn't bother me. The one that was in the studio, when you put your hand down towards the box, it reared up and lifted its fangs. Doesn't bother me. That's how guaranteed it was that it was going to buy you, which helped you. which helped you with the... Because I was like, if you don't put your hand in there,

he won't bite you. But you're on the radio and everyone's waiting and they're filming it. So I went... And it's like your arm is like telling your brain, what the fuck? Don't do it! And you put it in a bite. When it hits, you go, oh.

Oh, okay. It's not... You know, like a needle if you get stitches. It's like a billion times worse. But they're not... Most spiders aren't poisonous enough to kill you, right? I'm just saying even if they are, unless you're a...

sleep with it or something. If you see it, just fucking stand on it or move out of the fucking way. It's not coming at you. That thing came at me. Look at that video. Look at that video. You had jeans on, right? I had shorts on and water shoes. It wasn't coming at you. It came out. Look at the video.

It just ran in a direction. It happened to be I believe it was a wolf spider too, so it's not poisonous. It's not poisonous. It's not poisonous, but it still came at me like it had an attitude. Bobby, but you need to stand up for yourself. You were totally it ran away from you because you were poking it with a stick. I didn't poke it. Max did. That's why I ran.

It wasn't attacking you. It was running away from being attacked. It was being attacked by... Came right at me. Look at it. Two people that were a million times bigger than it. Two huge people with sticks were trying to kill it. I think I think it was like an inch and a half big.

That was two inches. You're so upset. The fact that he loves it, wasn't even scared of it. He was trying to... Well, this goes about your thing. You said men can't be emotional these days, but I disagree. Look at you. That was hyper-emotional.

That's good. I'll tell you. right now you get a spider in here I'll hold it I will not let it bite me but I'll hold it you never gonna get over your fear but I want you to hold it too says nothing to do with my fears you don't did you have a fear of spiders

no that was such a fucking lie I'm gonna ask you one more time do you have a fear of spiders no I don't I don't have a fear of spiders it's not a fear of them like I I'm like more is it my problem again too also just mom for a while and grandma

I think things are icky. Does that make sense? I don't want to hold a spider. I'm not afraid. I'll kill a spider in a heartbeat. I'm not afraid of it, but I don't have like the same thing. It's like a rat like I just don't want to fucking touch it at all. It's like it's not even a fear so much of it.

Although a rat, I always said if a rat ever got in my apartment, like it just has the apartment now. You have it, cheers. I'm going to move. I'm going to get all my things and I'm going to go. If a rat was in your house, you'd sell your house. A rat? Yes. I'd be go rats have a way to get in.

So I don't, I'm no interest in. We're not safe here. Rats do fuck. New York rats fuck me up too. We were outside of our apartment in the East Village one time, and I remember just looking. Our apartment was at the very end

of the hallway when you first go in. So it was the front door, a little middle door, and then the hallway, and at the end of that hallway is our door. You see it from the street, if you look in. And we just walked up onto the steps

to go inside one day, and we just saw in that hallway, the long hallway, just a rat just run from like the beginning all the way. And, you know, and make a left to kind of go towards like maybe out back if that door was open or the garbage it but whatever it was just like oh my god and then you hear all these things like is it true

they could flatten down to a piece of paper because they have no bones to get in anywhere they always make it sound like they could do anything in the world it goes all they need is a keyhole dude a keyhole you've been a rat you've never done it because you don't take the subway sometimes rats get on the subway train oh that's a flight that sucks because you're in between stops and this little thing's just trying to run around and get out. I don't know what Christine's done in the world to the pissed off the Rat King, but it's the only person I know multiple times in New York.

I've watched rats run over her feet, run up her leg when we were on the stoop the one time smoking on our stoop in the East Village. I mean, this thing came out of the street. It just ran directly up. She was sitting with her legs open, like smoking. It just ran up her body and did like

a leap jump. I was like... It was so fast. I was like, it didn't, it wasn't on me. She was like, it was on you. It wrote up your body and jumped off and did like a move. It did a fucking, it was like vert skating. They went up Christine's body and did like a fucking thing. You know, I've been killing gophers lately like all the time because I was making a bikini for my chick. Mm-hmm.

Had a gopher skin? Yeah. Nice. Yeah, it's like four, it's four gophers. But skinning it and making the fur, like getting the shit off. I was like, you could Google it, but I'm like, nobody had Google in the Native American days. And I'm trying to be like, I'm just going to figure it out. So I was just rubbing it on a rock for a couple of months until I got all the meat off it.

You're the skin, not your chick. No, I have a bikini. Right. And it's made out of gopher fur. Yeah. So it's like a furry bikini. Yeah. But it's made out of gophers.

Right. So I kill gophers all the time. Stabbing the gopher after he's dead and pulling his guts out, there's a weird thing with it. Yeah. You feel weird at first. Yeah. He's warm inside. It makes you realize that's what we are.

Yeah, we're warm inside. And it's a weird. It's only connected from the neck to the asshole. If you cut those two things, everything just comes out. Yeah. Sometimes it's not as easy as you would like, but I get it. I get into it. Yeah, like we're just connected from our throats to our assholes.

If you just dig around the asshole and cut the throat, it just, all our shit just pops out. Are you going to start serial killing? Not now. Oh, okay. Do you want to go for bikini? I can make you one. I would love a go for shorts if you could. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

This is where you start hurting people's feeling. Like now that you've said the precedent that your, that your fiance, who's got a good body, slim gal, now it sets the precedent for other girls like, hey, honey, you want a bikini? He goes, go for a bikini? He goes, all right, it's probably going to be about 18 gophers. I might have to move up to beaver. I might have to go to beaver. You got to find a fucking bigger thing. Maybe badgers?

You know what? I just do one elk. I should be good. That gives me room to fuck up. It's going to be a cloak with a full lion's head on top of it. Man, that'd be the sickest bathing suit ever. Not the greatest thing to swim in. You look great at the beach, dude.

Got a full lion's head. You'd be the king of the pool, dude. I would love, make me like a little pouch. Yeah, yeah. Like a knife pouch. Right. There you go. Yeah.

Maybe something like that. Yeah. You're like Donny Dust. Dude, I'm out there all day now. Utah. I ride my horse all down the mountains. You have a horse? Yeah.

No shit. I got my first horse. How much is a horse? How much is a horse cost? 5,500. And if it's like, you know, he's got to be broke and good for trail riding and all that shit. He can't just be like a wild horse. So you can buy a horse for under $6,000.

You can buy a horse. But you can get a horse charity, like where there's ones that rescue. You can rescue one. And I think you have to pay like $1,500 to take it out because they need a donation. But you can rescue horses. I just, my horse costs that much money because he is. Is that what Whitney does? Whitney rescues them, right?

Whitney also she let me befriend her horse. That was like how I learned a lot of my horsemanship before I moved to Utah because I'd go see her horse like a couple times a week and hang out with him and do tricks with him and all this kind of shit because I just kept learning watching all these people hanging out and then it was an accident that I moved to Utah. And then the person that owns the ranch that I live in my house on, they were like, we have horses here. If you get a horse, he can live on our ranch. I was like, wait, what? That's the biggest thing, right? Because his food is, I give him treats, but his food is the grass and the river he lives on.

So you don't have to buy. He just eats whatever he wants on the fish. So they just let him graze. Yeah, so he has three friends. And I give him like oatmeal in the morning. I give him all the horses some oatmeal just to be nice. But he can just live until the snow. So we went and got all the bales of hay, stored him.

So when it snows, that's when you have to give him the hay because they can't, there is no grass. It's so, so. But it's, dude, running on him, learn, I've been learning, I've been learning, I've got cowboy friends now, I'm learning how to back them up and spin them around and do all these things that you do to teach a horse. And now I figure out, like, your horse, if you work with it every day, he's like, you can turn it in from, like, an acura to a Porsche.

Just because it responds to, like, any touch. So, like, the more he gets to know me, the more, like, we're running through rivers, dude. I'm running through rivers in the morning. And then I'm, like, lifting weights at the, I shoot my gun And then making fucking musk wrap bikinis in the afternoon Like hiding in the bushes

Waiting to kill fucking gopher As like a fucking child Let me tell you the person Let me tell you the person who's most sad That you're not gay anymore Jacob Batat right now He would love you to take him away from all of this And go be your lady

In said situation you're describing Jacob sees himself in all of these things Are you gay? No no he's not gay But he wants to live that life You're living Oh you just want to be life. Oh, you want to live a cowboy life.

Yeah, the ranch life you just described as like a dream. Do you hang out with horses? I, uh, in his head. No, I worked on a horse farm for when I was a teenager for a long summer. One summer. For one summer. Yeah. So if you've ridden horses as an adult?

No, but he watches a lot of Western stuff. The more I hang out with them, the more it's not about riding them, which is, I'm that kind of person that I just want to do the thing. Like if I get into fighting, I don't want to watch it. I want to fight. And horses, I just thought, all I want to do is like, I want to do horse wheelies and jump shit. And then when I got into horses, now it's way more, I just spend time alone with them, dude. Yeah, that's, like, and they talk to me with their ears and the way they look at me.

Like, and the more you learn to read what a horse's little things are, it's a conversation, dude. Like, they're clear as a fucking bell. If they like you, they're going to tell you, if they think you're upset, they'll ask you, if you're okay. Like, but they don't talk. Well, now I think you're. cracking like Jack Nicholson and the Shining out there

Honey the horse told me that you're doing something wrong What's that the horses don't talk? They talk to me There is tell shit Honey the horse told me to kill all the muskrats Because they keep talking behind his back I do have one gopher friend in the backyard I won't shoot him

Because he fucking stands in the backyard Eight feet away from me and I've pointed the gun in him And he's like And I'm like you know what dude you're cool everybody else fucking dead if they move like that's the way

how do you know it's him because he comes out every time I call him Barry really yeah he's losing it yeah he's out whelp

well Jason's gone Jason when you can you wake up in the morning get on your horse and just go out into the

out into the whatever the forest and just hang out all day and camp out at night and I'm not good enough I haven't

done that yet with him because I'm still like working with him. I'm really working with him and my fiancee because I want her to if she can ride him then there's another one that's a wild one that's that one right there that I'm standing on. He's a wild guy. But I can ride him with her so we could

go on trail rides but right now I'm still just being safe. How many acres do you have? She, it's, I live on 200 acres. Wow. But then over the other side of the road is a buffalo farm and the hill is all, it's called BLM so it's like government land

and you can just go find your horse out there and camp out there and and hunt that's the plan I got a fucking compound bow and I'm teaching my my horse has already bred to pack so we can have animals on him I'm just turning the camera

to just film Jacob I mean Jacob's watching you talk about this he's just like everything that's what you like really yeah would you take Jacob for a weekend can you just set him up and he Utah. I won't, not for a weekend.

I don't like anybody for two days, but one day, yeah. One day, Jacob? Do you want to go to Utah for one day? Dude, I pull weeds out. This is the weirdest one that I've found. I pull these weeds out that my, the owner of the land, she's like, you get fine for these if the

government sees them, there's this big weed with a big purple flower on it. You pull the heads off, you got to bag them, put them in the trash or burn them, and then you take the whole thing out by the route. I cannot stop going out into the fucking mountains and pulling them out I see them now like a skateboarder sees

banks on the street like I'll be like well look at that handrail I'm like you're 50 why do you see that handrail you're not going down it but I'm like pretty good one if you were like good and the same now I see that purple flower I'm like fuck I feel like going to people's ranches and saying can I get your fucking flowers for you

my gophers told me the flowers were here also I had a gopher war too where I laid and prayed for fucking eight hours a gopher a gopher was blocking the dam for the house for everybody for the river for the horses so I was told that I was allowed to take it out so I destroyed his dam and then laid in the bushes for like

eight hours waiting for him so you're still on the fight yeah yeah man what I feel like Jason goes other people's ranches and he goes where he goes I'm over on the so-and-so ranch and they go ranch has been closed down and abandoned for years what? There's no animals over there and you're like what are you talking about what about my horse right

horse? Where'd horse go? I have one neighbor and he's like a party guy that has It's like a jet, a snowmob, a ski, what is it, ski do, rental, whatever fucking snow ski thing. And I was out there in the morning shooting gopher's with my pink fasci robe on. And I fucking. And you're going to come out in the morning. So I'm out there. And I had my little buddy rabbit slippers on.

And I fucking shoot him. And he's like, shooting govers. And I was like, yeah. And he's like, cool. I'm like, what are you going to do with him? I'm like, I'm going to make a bikini out of it. And he's like, cool. He's like, I want to see that.

And I go, I'm not wearing it. Yeah. And he's like, well, yeah, no, not you. I mean, well, yeah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, yeah, maybe let's just fucking go out of the day. I would love to see Jacob wear the bikini when he gets there. You can stay, mate, but you got to put this on. I like the thing that Jason wakes up in the morning and then lights a, he lights a joint

and then lays it down on the windowsill and he just goes out like a, remember Ralph finds in Schindler's list? He just goes out of his window and finds a gopher, like, picks it off and then picks the cigarette back up with just his mouth. I got one on my Patreon once when I was talking on the live show, the Jason L show, Patreon show, I shot a gopher at the, because I used to do this guy. He has like a wig on and it's tambourines between his legs. It's Bobby Breeze. Feel the wind between your knees. Boom.

And then I smashed my symbols together on my knees outside. Yeah. And now I had my guns with me all the time. I have like the double gun under my hips out of my armpits. Look at Jacob just came. Gophethe just showed up and I was like, boom, killed a Gofer on the live show. Wow. Can't get, can't do that.

Like when I was here, I never killed a Gofer. How many guns do you have? I don't know, like five or six. I see the challenge you're making right now. We're going to be the first radio show on Sirius X-M to kill a gopher live on air. You guys should come to the ranch. I have a motorcross track. There's a side-by-side track.

I have a compound bow. I have all kinds of guns. We have 10 a night. And you know what's awesome about you? You can do all of it. You know it makes you better than Joe Rogan? You'll let us play with it. Wait, he won't.

He won't let you play. I just had that one story. That first time I went to the studio that he had in L.A. With me, David and Lewis, we went in every... I mean, he showed us everything they had to offer in. Starting from walking in, first thing, he, a pool table. He breaks a rack. He sinks a few.

Misses one. Puts the stick away. Then he walks us. over to where he grabs... Wait, you didn't get the play? No. Then he grabbed his compound bow. Wait, he just showed you how he plays pool?

Well, he checked... Then he walks us into the UFC gym. Yeah? And then all the stuff said... He didn't kick him out. And he goes... No, no, no. He just goes, check this out.

And he grabs one of his compound bows and does, like, a laser-site thing and shows that he's got to target all the way across the gym. And I mean, 50 yards, man. And he does the thing, and he goes, you see the laser over there,

and he fires a couple arrows. And then when he takes a... off and then he puts it back on the rack and goes let me show you this over here then he showed us the room i always say he goes this is where i freeze myself this where i thaw myself and then he goes and here's the baby here's my baby he showed us now he has the bow and arrow the thing that people have for golf sometimes it's like a hunting kevlar screen and you shoot arrows at it and like the screen reacts you know the like like you hit it you get points or whatever so i'm like well that's safe when they take over room he'll be ready you know well i go well that's safe so he's probably

be like, this is safe, we can't really fuck this up. So he's going to let us do this. And then he killed an elk on the screen and then went, let's go podcast. Wait, you didn't get to use any of it? None. Not one toy. They didn't use any of it. Does anybody think that that's weird?

No, this is how we got him back. So then we went out there and we raped the werewolf. Oh, wow, that's balzy. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. We always said, this is a good tell of what the relationships became with Joe Rogan. Is me and Lewis get treated by Rogan like we're the guys who raped his wolf. And Dave Smith gets treated the guy.

I was like, nice wolf. I'm going to get out of here and be an adult. Right. Dave's being a pure adult. Me and Lewis are doing exactly what you expect. Yeah, you can definitely use everything. Dude, I'd love to come out to your ranch. Do you have a name for the ranch?

There's is, I don't want to say it because it's probably. Yeah. All right, right. I would love to come out there and fucking. Is it a ranch where they actually do the ranch work? Like, they sell something? Is it meat? They actually want to start doing trail riding.

and they want me to be in charge of it. Really? You'll be the guy that people go? Dude, I've been struggling, so I've been selling insurance. Like, I was working on the phones until they were like, you know what, like, if you want to just do, like, social media campaign, and then when people connect with you, you put them on to the underwriter, that might be a better thing for you.

But at first, I was, I was like two days a week, just be on the phones, trying to get insurance set, like to people to buy insurance. And then I started getting accounts. and then the people that have the accounts are like, well, I can do the account tomorrow. So I'm like, well, now I've got to come in tomorrow. And next thing, you know, I'm doing five days a week where I'm driving into this place, selling insurance. I'm not making a lot of money from it.

It's just more to like get health care because I don't have all that shit. And it turned into, I didn't mean it. But like, I'm just there and I'm friends with everybody and I get lunch. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, I'm doing comedy tonight. Do I really think it's going to be that bad? that I've planned my insurance my plan is to be a car sorry an insurance salesman

well have you thought about selling bikinis maybe the amount of work it took to fucking skin those gophers no way well let me just say this it's what you sell them for not how many you sell one for 50,000 you think somebody would buy something for me from 50,000 dollars jay would

yeah because he does on my he's always on my YouTube show appreciate super chats dude he fucking drops dude who gives a fuck you have You're living the life. You have a horse. You're going out to the country.

You're picking weed. You're shooting golfers. I was complaining. A little bit. Oh, thanks for catching me. I'm good, dude. I'm just saying I'm willing to, you know, people were like, are you seriously there on the phones? And I'm like, yeah.

And they're like, why would you do that? Even the people there are like, why are you here? And I'm like, because what happens if I don't? What happens if I don't, if things don't work? I'm not just going to be stuck with nothing again. Like, I'm going to be ready. Yeah. So I'm doing, and I learned it's good for you.

You know, like, I'm so stuck up. Pro skateboarder, then a fucking fighter and a fucking radio. Like, I tell fart jokes for fucking 20 years and get paid millions of dollars. Like, I'm so fucking spoiled. It's insane, dude. It's interesting to watch. So there's a comedian who I was around when I started, who I follow on Facebook. And I'm watching his thing to like he just kind of did like his, you know, I guess he's

considering it a tail tuck to go. go get like a job but like the first day on it like the convincing himself of like he's like you know what man he goes this is the thing he goes and I'm just grabbing life right now and I'm you know I don't want to do comedy shows but it's time to get into the workforce and do the thing I went to work at like spectrum cable and it was like the next day his tie was like undone he was like so that wasn't for me I was like a day like one day he's like yeah I don't think sales is my thing so I think maybe I'm going to look at some other things for sure yeah most of it's like I'm just like a new one Most of the comics that do this is because we can't do anything else.

Yeah, I feel like as a guy that, like, I'm obviously not like you guys, but I've been in comedy for a little bit now. I've definitely seen the not so glamorous side all the time. So I don't, I think people see it on TikTok and think, I'm going to be a comedian, and then I'll be on Kiltonian. I'm going to be huge. Like, I think there's people that have like a little bit of a thing with that. But most of us, if you start going to open mics, you realize pretty quick,

you're nobody and nobody cares and no one's ever going to care. So get ready for that. Like that seems to be the main... Hello voice in my head. But that's like you got... If you love doing it, because that's how I... Like in skateboarding,

I don't have any thing to show. As a matter of fact, me walking here, I can... I'm so... I have to stop every now and then because I can't walk for long periods of time

because I'm so broke from all my injuries and shit. So that's the price I pay forever. And I'm 50. I go to the gym all the time. Imagine when I'm fucking 70. I'm probably going to be, like, you know what, dude, just shoot it up.

What's the thing that pregnant people have when the baby comes out? Epidurals, son, every morning, epidural. Like, fuck live, I'm out. But right now, I'm just, like, the price for that. And so at the end of it, getting money, I don't care about that. Like, what did I get from skateboarding? I fucking loved it. I was with my friends doing it.

What did I get from radio? I fucking, we fucking laughed their asses off. And you guys, like, have known each other for so long. That's the greatest thing you're going to get from it. Yeah. The after part, like, the money are, like, people thinking you're cool. It doesn't mean anything.

Like a normal job? I don't think it's that bad. No. I thought it was kind of, you got old friends and shit and you go to lunch. Like, I kind of liked it. I did. Dude, being a pro skateboarder, this is a real thing. In my skateboard career, especially when I got to like top 10 in the world, every day I

walked around anxious because I knew that I was going to go to the ramp and I was going to do something that probably was going to put me in hospital. So every day, I'd be like. Yeah, man, like, we'll get a fucking burrito, and then we'll go on the ramp. On the way the ramp, I'm like, because I don't fucking play. When I got, when I went, I was like, we're going to warm up. But in an hour from now, I'm going to be like, this is a 50-50 shot. If I make it, this is a sick video.

Yeah, or I go, boom. And I'm like, hanging out and someone's taking my elbow pads off. And I'm like, what are you doing? They're like, dude, you got knocked out. I'm like, fuck. And then, you know, in the ER and shit. Like, go to work, selling insurance. It's pretty laid back, dude.

Lay back for lunch. Just get some tacos. What's after lunch? Not a fucking concussion. I know that. Can I ask you a question? What's for lunch, though? That doesn't.

Today? No, at the place, yeah. Oh, they went to, they would go to these weird, like, you can get all different wraps and put your little fajita wrap. And, like, you can have it on a salad or you could have it on bread. Nice. I have a question. You've stayed in, like, good shapes.

So you... Jacob's back in. So you... Jacob's gonna get a job with the fucking insurance. When you skate... When you skateboard and stuff now, it doesn't look crazy

because you've stayed in good shape. It doesn't look weird because you're older. What do you think... Are you... Is it impressive at all? I think it's interesting seeing Bamar Jare is still kind of skate pretty good and kind of being like pudgy and older.

That is... It's weird that he skates that much and he's fat. Like I don't... I'm like, all I see is videos of him constantly skating and and also in places like... And I'm like, how much do you eat after you skate? Dude.

Like, you gotta be sweating your fucking ass off. You're at the time for like five hours. In Florida. Because to me, if I skate, I'm like five pounds later than later the next day, no matter what I eat. Really? Because it's different, different cardio. You sweat different. It really, but I'm saying, even watching him do it though, like, it's so crazy.

So funny, you notice that. I've seen that too. Because like I said, his, you know, I met him at the Shane show. And everything, he really is like, you know, he's like, seeing like a short shorter guy and like now he's like kind of pudgy but when I see him escape around he's still like he's doing it dude if you do it long enough it has muscle memory that's a weird thing where you got to like for vert skating it's a little bit different because if you make a mistake there's like a bigger price like if you fall there like you just get like a hipper if you fall on vert you

you'll probably break your arm or your femur or some shit so and when you're older it's like all this common sense kicks in where you like is it what is this trick today worth it yeah yeah You know, like I'm hanging out and by myself. I have my own car here. So if I break my leg, I can't drive home. I've got to call people. Like, I'm definitely not getting a fucking ambulance. I'm not paying for that.

So, like, I'm thinking of all that right before I drop in and try some fucking nose grind over the hip in front of a 12-year-old fucking scooter guy. It's not worth it, dude. Yeah, but there's also some, I mean, you can't, like, stop. And that's a very dangerous thing. But that's what, I'm surprised that was the take of so many, when I had the apartment where we could play basketball every week, and I would invite, Like so many comics, comics that were in good shape that you're just like, yeah, want to come play basketball?

And they're like, dude, what, I go roll my ankle and then I'm out of thing. I'm like, you can't really think like that. If you brought your ankle, you can still do comedy. No, I know, but they're like, well, you know, it's like, definitely, it's like, I go it if I break an ankle or something. I'm like, I don't know, dude, it was just kind of like, you can't think that. If you think that, Tom Seguer, dude, that Tom Seguerra video talked everybody in the comedy world out of playing basketball ever again. Never seen anybody be more retarded and spoilt in my entire life. worst fall I've never seen a body hate itself more than that move. I still I had a video somebody

reposted it today on my Twitter I guess I posted it was like the greatest athletical feat ever accomplished I mean because it was impossible. No defense the knee pops okay why do you do half a backflip and snap your fucking arm off like somebody stop the fall dude it's insane. Oh my it can't be replicated dude. You could not be do that again. Oh, he's so big. Like, how did he get his arm behind him? Right when he landed. Do you know what I mean? Like, as you're falling, like, this shows me that the lack of athleticism, like when things get weird from me, things slow down. For him, as soon as his knee popped, he went into shock. That's what that is. Like, you didn't try to fucking put your arm back.

Why would you put your arm behind you? I think you're trying to break your fall instinctually. That's an idiot move. Yeah, when you're chubby, that's a dumb move. Yeah, use your fat body. Yeah, just use your back fat. Hey, you had that back then. You had enough backpack just to take it. I just, you know what it is?

I've just never been... Dude, backfat can take a lot. Oh, I know. Oh, yeah. But I've just said, like, just sports-wide, I mean, I've always just understood. Thank God. That was always a big thing, like,

understood the mechanics of it. Does that make sense? Like, I've never thrown a ball and someone's been like, you all right? Did your dad leave or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, so that's a big thing.

a big thing like watching that happen with someone at an age is what looks bad when someone has no mechanics and like it's like it said Lewis you know like for what he trains I've never trained the way he has so like in my mind I go he's much more skilled in knowing with the with the boxing and jujitsu and stuff than I'll be

because I don't take any of that stuff but if you're like Lewis dribble a basketball up and then a basketball court and don't look like a doofus possibly it's going to be like the most like sloppy kind of like dribbling it was always surprising to me somebody who was an athlete who couldn't do another the sport slightly, you know, like if you're, oh, yeah. Pro skateboarder and we're at the court and I'm like, hey, man, you know, like I'm past

the ball and it goes flying through his hands. I'm like, what the fuck happened to you? Like, dude, the board goes up and you catch it. The same kind of thing, isn't it? Like, you can't see the ball coming? But I've, like, Tony Hawk, worst basketball player I've ever seen in my life. I have a video of me scoring on him, full court game. And I can't, I'm Australian, dude.

I don't play basketball. But I fuck it. I destroy him because he is. basketball retard. And he's tall, right? Yeah, yeah. And he was like standing. I like pump faked him because he was, didn't know the, I don't think he'd ever played, which

is weird. Yeah, well, except some people would have put it all into one thing. Yeah, people, I remember we were playing, we were at the beach one day in L.A. and I had a wiffle ball. What's that? It's just a plastic bat and a plastic ball. It's like the white ball with the little holes in the car. Oh, okay.

So I remember we were at the beach and, well, let's get a wiffball game. I've been playing a wolfball my whole life. And I remember when Dane was pitching and he threw, he didn't have a throw. Oh, really? But he threw the ball and we all just started laughing because we thought we were, he was kidding. Oh, yeah. No, I know. I bet Dane's that same thing.

Wait a second. It's a go for bikini. Wow, dude. That's a really good. By the way, that's a funny thing. Let me see. Hang on. I mean, the workmanship.

I mean, the fact that, hang on, I just got to zoom in again. Wow, dude. That is beautiful the way you put it. Is that a patch onto a patch? I glued it onto the bikini. Oh, you glued it on. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Jesus.

I just think you're a fucking natural craftsman. Oh, you are beautiful. You do wonderful work. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, so it's done. You've already made it. That looks professional as all hell.

Well, he got a bikini and then glued the patch on it. Wow, real nice, dude. Well, I'm just saying. Real nice. You couldn't just let the guy have it. Well. I thought he put all the strings. and everything on.

I was ready to walk away with that but that was from scratch. Is that a prototype? Yeah, I guess now it is. I don't know that was the end of it right there, but I guess I get back from the fucking drawing board. I'll stop being become a seamstress. Jason Ellis,

he is going to be at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City, August 20th. And the comedy works in Denver, August 26 and 27 for tickets and all of us tour dates. Go to the Jason Ellis.com. Make sure you listen and subscribe to the Jason Ellis Show at patreon. Check at my special. Is that on there? Where's your special?

It's on YouTube. YouTube right now. What's the name of it? Short notice. Short notice. Nice. Short notice available right now on YouTube. Make sure you check it out.

Of course, Bobby Kelly is doing all kinds of stuff. You know that. Saratoga Springs, September 11th, and 12th, Brooklyn, New York, September 26. Port Charlotte, Florida, Boston, New Orleans, all on deck after that for tickets and all tour dates. Visit punchup.com. Visit punchup.com.com. Check out his YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy. Every Tuesday night, Fat Black Pussy Cat Lounge at the comedy seller.

And, of course, check out the reg. and you know what, dude. Yeah, I won't be here next week because I was bang-boozled out of the show. But enjoy the show without me. I thought we were taking a vacation, but apparently corporate J is not. I'm taking a vacation too.

This is my vacation. You're taking a vacation from me. How dare you? I don't like the implications there. I would have been here, but I didn't know. I thought we're all taking a week off, but apparently we're not. The show will be here.

Hang on a second. Christine, my plugs. Oh, my God. Please stop doing that, dude. I was vamping until... I don't like being here for that. Christine was looking at muskrat bikinis. Big J. O'Kerson is going to be

a Mohican son for Story Wars this Thursday, August 6th. They've got a show at 8 and at 10. So make sure you get tickets to that. It will sell out. And then he's going to be in governors in Long Island, August 7th and 8th. After that, he'll be in Royal Oak, Michigan, Albany, Virginia Beach, Baltimore, and Cleveland

for tickets and tour dates. Go to Big J.comedy.com. YouTube.com slash at Big Jogerson. And of course, check out Story Wars and Legion of Skanks, his podcast that are amazing. And he'll be here next week with Rich Voss, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, all shows Big J.

And the legend, Rich Voss. Right? Everyone. Everyone. All free. Tune in. Enjoy. Be here early, I say.