The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Robbed In Rio with Matt McCusker

Episode Date: October 9, 2025

Matt McCusker of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" is back without Shane to promote his new Netflix special "A Humble Offering." He brings his publicist in studio who is dressed like a tennis instructor. Matt tells a tale of getting robbed on the beach of Rio De Janeiro while on vacation. Jay and Bob also have stories of prostitution and danger in Latin countries. Bobby and Patrice O'Neal found themselves in hot water in Brazil after they showed too much cash to the locals. | Passport Bros charge money to exploit the women of Cuba under the guise of being pickup artists. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. The Bonfire, Faction Talk Series X-M-103. We got an awesome guest in the house. First time of the Bonfire, I believe. Second time in Bonfire? Not for a long time. I haven't been here for a long time. He's going to be in Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo. It was a long time ago.

That was a different bonfire. It was when I was a boy. Yeah, that was just a boy. That was Stan Soder, Bonfire. It's told him to say that. We don't say that. We don't talk about that. October 17th and 18

He's going to be at Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo After that Tulsa, Naples, Florida, and Madison For tickets and office tour dates Go to Matt McCusker.com It is the hilarious Matt McCusker You're doing the old Captain Bryans What's the Captain Brian? The show you're doing in Naples

Oh, is that what it is? Yeah Oh, God. I'm excited, man No, it's good, you'll have fun, dude You'll have fun, he'll have fun That'll be right As long as you pack

The club's fine Yeah What sucks then? The guy is deplorable The owner stinks You have to call him captain Nah He does what he does

He will insist You call him Captain Brian I can fall in line though If he gets me like nautical You know Yeah he used to be a captain Was he really? Yeah

No He was Nope He'll tell you what he did He had a boat And he took people on fishing tours Which technically That's a captain

Makes you the captain Matt's special Humble Offering Preneers on Netflix Tuesday October 7th Congratulations Congratulations, by the way, man. That's fucking awesome.

Thank you. Yeah, congratulations. Where did you shoot it at? Ontario, California. Why? Right outside of L.A. Is that Club the improv? Yeah, it's the Ontario Impro.

I fucking love that. So do I. That's what I'm saying. I love it. Club is awesome, man. It's like... This is how dumb I am. And we all know this.

He said Ontario, California. I stopped in Ontario. And I went, why Canada? Yeah, no. It's a common misconception. And you said, I love it. It's great. I'm like, what?

No, no. That was a thing, too, when I advertised... So I was there. a long time ago. I did a bunch of one night. I did like San Jose, Irvine, and then I went to Ontario, and I couldn't sell tickets in Ontario. And I had to keep being like, it's Ontario, California. It is not Canada. Please don't buy them from Canada. You know, blah, blah, blah. And I, and I, like, struggled to sell tickets there. But the show was amazing. So that was the only

club I didn't do that material in that I know I liked. So I remember I was there like, where do you want to film it? I was like, there's only one place that I have in my mind. Because I didn't want to show up somewhere and to film when I don't know if the club's any good. Right. Yeah. It's like strangely, I said it, I know it is, it's California, it's inland California, just my people much more. It's the working, blue-collarie kind of people. It's not L.A. It's not actors and baristas and fucking, it's really like, hot people.

No, it is. I have, I also weirdly have a, there's a real Cholo crossover to our brand of comedy. You'll be surprised. San Jose, like, I mean, the most cholo-looking guys, he goes, I listen to your shit every day, man. Really? I feel good when I look out, it's all cholo. I like when there's a woman with neck tattoos

just cackling at my horse shit Yeah, yeah, the Mexicans And, you know, they, they fuck with me, man It's kind of, it's an honor, honestly. Yeah, I'm calling the lads. The lads? Yeah, we used to work with this Irish guy And he called him the Mexicans, the lads,

he'd be like, oh, the lads are here. We just stick with that now, they're the lads. Yeah, Matt keeps a gangster. We were on a Burt Kreischer's tour bus for the fully loaded tour and we were watching, I was showing them, Kensington. We were showing people Kensington Cam, which is in Kensington and Philadelphia.

It's terrible. Horrible neighborhood you can just watch. People die, basically. Yeah. But also the outside of some clubs. And he was going, and I didn't even heard this name before. It's funny how much it's in my life now. He goes, is that Scrilla?

Scrilla's like a pretty well-known, like, Philly rapper. He's like pretty big. He started the 6-7 trend. That was him. What is that? That whole Internet 6-7 thing when everyone goes 6-7 on, That was from his song, and then people just, kids took it out.

My son says that. It's from Scrilla. What does it mean? Is this bad? I believe 6-7 is some slang term for, for, like, Kensington. It's like an intersection in Kensington. I've got to call my wife. Yeah.

There's all kids talking about, you know. It's like, they're like, I don't know. I don't know if it's like a gang thing or what, but it's. Great. Max is in a gang. Well, he's from a place that there's, I said, there's no, the beauty of Kensington. There are no racial lines drawn there. Yeah.

It is harmony on those streets because everyone's there for one thing and one thing only. Trank. They want it and they want a lot of it. And that's all they care about it. I don't ever seen a white person even walk through that situation looking nervous. No, it's a lot of white people. It's like I would say almost majority white still. Kensington was a white area of Philly.

And it's just now it's mostly white heroin addicts with kind of, yeah, it's everybody. It's black people, white people, Hispanics. They're all day. It's like a utopia. So heroin brings people together. It does. It does, man. And this guy, Scrillo's like the king of it.

And this is so funny when he calls so Matt points to that he goes, this guy, Scrilla, he's, Bert, being Bert, like, gets hyped up. And he goes, oh, and he starts, like, messaging, like, Adam, like, hey, Scrilla, we're watching you on the camera right now, like, come. And Matt's even even kind of going, like, well, the guys are kind of, like, serious. He's, like, the real deal. Like, I wouldn't like, do it. And then Bert's like, hey, Skrilla, we're watching you right now for my tour bus.

We're on the Philly Little Tour. And then when you see scroll kind of come outside and have it be like a little bit like what the fuck is going on. And everyone's like hey yeah yeah dude just take it down. Then his internet people his social people were like take they pulled it all down. I follow him on Instagram so then like because we kept seeing people go in and out

of this like it was like a nightclub bar kind of thing. So we're just watching him on the camera and then I would pull up his Instagram and he was in live so we got we watched him on a street corner and then we had eyes in the building he was in. You guys are stalking we were like the Chinese government. We were just following him and fucking pan out

on, dude. We had him pegged every... I'd message him and be like, by the way, dude, like, you rap about, like, you know, a bunch of, like, dangerous stuff. I don't know if you should have your location that is an spotable on YouTube. It's funny. How much... I've heard his name since, because it turns out, after that moment, I told him

my daughter is a fan, actually, of his shit. She has since gone to, I think, multiple shows. She's dressed like Scrilla for Halloween one year. They have a picture of her and her roommate with Scrilla after the show. I think he did somewhere. Yeah, like, she's like in. I heard he's a really nice guy, honestly.

I've heard, I think I knew someone who made beats from him or something. They're like, he's actually, it's quite the gentleman I heard. He just carries a gun and believes in chicken bone magic. Yeah, you gotta watch that, yeah. Yeah, he'd, yeah. Sacrifice in chickens and shit. He does. He's like, really in the weird, uh, but he's also, he loves just being from this awful, awful

place. Yeah, his promo videos are great though. When he gets those guys who are like bent over on the sidewalks. Yeah, the zombies. He'll be like, you know, tell him about this, you know, my tour. Like, he, he advertises a lot of like weird weed websites that'll like ship you stuff. But he uses

the heroin addicts to promote his gigs? Yeah, it's kind of awesome. It's a great idea. It's progressive heroin. It's more trank now. It's cheaper and it eats your skin from the ends up from the, I'm going to start using homeless people

around New York. You should. That'd be good, yeah. Give them something to do. Or I could give, what are those people called? The, uh, the, uh, Spanish people? Migrants?

Yeah, those people. I don't want to say it. When I say with the Boston accent, it sounds racist. And then Jacob gets emailed. There's my daughter for... Oh, my God. ...dolls her on Halloween is Skrilla. That's awesome.

And then do you have a thing where they're together with him? Damn. Is that... Wow. That's actually a fantastic costume. What an idiot. Except she's a Caucasian reading Hispanic. I would hang out with that, dude.

He looks just like Skrilla, except he's very black, and she's a Caucasian. Haitian working Hispanic. Wow, that's crazy. That is so fucking funny. None of Isabella's Hispanic showed up in her skin tone whatsoever. She really does have your white shins. She really does.

Poor kid. Speaks fluent Spanish. She goes, no one believed. Although that's what that did for her, which was great. I remember the first time she got a job at Foot Locker. It was her first day.

Really, ever working a job like that. She was doing the kind of slow on the, you know, cash register. And this was like a, you know, Mexican family or somewhere in there. And she was like, you know, taking his long. long time and one of them said to the other one like you know in Spanish like must be this you know

this idiot's first day or something and then she just finished like all the transaction and she was like it is my first day by the way and you see like the face that's got to be a fun thing to be able to do I've wanted to do that my whole life same same yeah I love that's why I'm doing duelingo 238 days but you're doing it but you're doing it with Mandarin you're never going to figure it I'm not doing Mandarin someone if someone insult you and you can go oh by the way guys Ding Song Hao Ding Song Hao Oh shit

Oh he heard us That guy is the best He goes into these These Chinese restaurants Or the dim sum places It was just all Chinese people This guy goes in He knows Mandarin

He's just a white dude He's just white as dude ever And he sits down And then he'll come over And he'll play stupid Like is this dumplings And she'd be like Yeah

Don't know Yeah but okay Can I have been learning Mandarin Yeah he's really good That was word for word And then she'd be like, yeah, right there. And they'd be like, want da, one da, one danga,

and the whole place just sit there. Everybody's head in the rest of it goes, what the fuck? Because learning Mandarin is really tough. Yeah, it's crazy. I know, I know if you say like, well, bu he so don't go ha. It means I can't speak Chinese.

That's all I know. What the fuck was that? Jongo Hua is Chinese language. And I think if you say, well, buhei, sure jungle hua. That means I cannot speak Chinese. Dude, you're one of those. I only know, I know, like, one saying from each language.

And it's always I can't speak this language I know that in Italian Non paletta no much better There you go That's all I know It's all you need And I know Mortadela

That's fucking cashew meat No this Anongue seo In Korean is like Hello sir Anongue seo I know Umma

Oh what's your name Yeah See In Brazilian Portuguese I know I'm gonna I'm gonna go to Brazil It means I want you

Oh I know So if you want to go to Brazil And get horned you say I'm gonna say I want you I learned, uh, I learned, uh, I learned, uh, in Brazil, uh, what is it? Genada. Does that mean no cash?

It means thank you. Oh. Oh, brigado. Obrado. Obrado means thank you. Janada. How much for your sister? I learned how to draw on her hand.

I learned how to draw on her hand how much money for you. Yeah. De Niro, a chocha. How mucho theseos, that, oh. I drew her in my hand and she took. her hand and erased what I drew with her hand and then wrote something else I was like, all right. Like a magnadoodle? That's 30 bucks

American, I'll do it. It's 3,000. You can buy a home for that. Yeah, it's Yeah. Have you been to Brazil? I have. I went there when I was 21. I went there a long time ago. What part? Rio. I went to Rio de Janeiro. I got robbed on the beach. You got robbed. Nice point. It's crazy. What'd you have? Fucking like five bucks. But your IDs

and everything? No, they do. They're actually they were kind of gentlemen, man. I was out all night and they told me they're like, dude, do not go on the beach at night or early in the morning. Nope. At night, I was like, I get that. Early in the morning is like, that's the work day. Yeah, man. So I was out all night, and then I walked home along, you know, Rio de Janeiro.

The beach is beautiful, man. There's, like, mountains coming out of the ocean. And I'm just, like, looking at the sunrise. You're going to pick a place to get jacked. It was kind of nice, and I'm walking along the beach, and I'm like, man, this is beautiful. And as soon as I, like, stopped looking at the sun, I was all drunk, and I, like, I look, and there's just three young men right there with fishing knives. They had them right against, like, to my mom.

my stomach and uh and i was i knew like trankio i was like trankio trinkio and then uh they took went through my stuff and took like five bucks but i did have a phrase book and they like flipped that they were like laughing at the phrase book kind of like seeing what i had dog ear and all that and they uh which was yo care of vose please no please no how much for this poor young boy i'll blow you i'll blow you well yeah they and then they took my money and i try to explain to i'm like dude take my credit card and just go nuts with this for like an hour and I'll just call it. It was like a language barrier. And then they just let me go. And then

a lady, there was a couple fishing 50 feet away and they were like, lucky they didn't stab you. I was like, thanks fucking a lot, man. You could have came in and helped. Are they Americans? No, they were just Brazil. Like an older Brazilian. When I went there, the people, the hotel people were like, listen, if you go to the beach, the security that works the front

every other day, one of, on their day off, will go to the beach with their family and you can hire, we would hire that guy. So he'd be under like a palopra, like umbrella with family just in joining the day but you pay him 15 bucks and he watches you the whole time oh that's no anybody came near me he'd be like he'd be like do a dollar a little bit whatever portuguese is so somebody else gives him more money hey here's 25 dollars to let me kill him

that sounds like a lot of but all the all the girls came over these smoke they'll bother you yeah they but they bother me and i was like it's okay yeah yeah because they wanted they put they put lotion on me they were like you know buy you know buddy and they're aggressive man they're very aggressive i reject brazil as a bush guy i'm not going to the place that fosters adult bear vaginas i won't do it they're brazilian that's that's fair but man their legs are hairy did you know that they keep their leg they don't shave their legs what they do is they go on the beach in the morning and they bleach their hair and then they go on the ocean oh whoa i didn't know that yeah they bleach their hair blonde and it kind of goes away i won't be a part of that

jungle behavior well they are coming down from the jungle to make a little money no I would eat like bowls of soup and you just get accosted by like nine yeah professional ladies I was like man these girls are they're they're hookers yeah we would stand out at the hotel and they had me a pataco is the cafe out front and every morning we go there for breakfast and lunch and the girls just circle the the cafe and they they don't they try to catch your eye that's all it takes and if you don't if and that was the hardest thing to do is just keep focus on your friend talking because, you know, this J-Lo is

walking by with, you know, ariola hanging out. Patrice made it seem, though, like, it wasn't even so much that there was tons of working girls. It was that while you're, like, ignoring the working girls, the lady who comes over and, like, pours water at your table, you can go, hey, can I just buy you sexually for the rest of the week? And they'll go, yes.

That's what you made it seem like. I don't know, but I do know. I didn't go because of the pussy hair thing. No, it wasn't. It wasn't. I mean, it was, Here's the thing. You go to the mall and walking around and I saw a girl at the mall.

I was like, oh, she's very pretty. And then later that night, I saw her at the nightclub, Helpe, and she was there. Yeah. And she's a prostitute. And, yeah, it's like, but here's the thing with prostitution down there. It's not like a, it's like, hey, I don't give a shit.

I do this to make money to bring back to my family. She has like nine kids somewhere in the jungle. She's trying to. Bobby, will you stop talking like you just fucked one? You're trying to make it sound. She's actually a cool girl. She has dreams, but she's an artist. She doesn't just fucking do this.

Like, she also has, she's like a poet. My Brazilian son is 13, and he is doing well. I gave him a TV, I got her ex-and-and-I got him sneakers. I can keep a soccer ball in the air for seven hours straight. I seat it. Rio, surrounded by, like, poverty that's like, you don't see anything like that here. It's like Minecraft. And that Christ, right?

Yeah, Big Christ is cool. Favela. You know why they do the, they don't finish the houses in like these, like Guatemala? I'll teach him. Brazil is because if your house isn't finished, you don't have to pay taxes. Oh. So they, you know, you'll see like the barb coming out, and it's like they're building, they were going to build the second level, but they don't, and they'll just use it as like a place

to sit out at. It's a shit hole anyway, so just add an almost addition to the house. I didn't go in the favelas, but I wanted to go on the favelas really bad. I did not. That's the stacked houses, basically, right? And they're like just up a hill. They're beautiful. They are beautiful.

I had kids like grabbing my legs and being like, please help me. It's like they're pretty desperate. That was a, you guys had the bail. That's a great story. When he went there, he loved the attention from the kids so he would have money on them all day. So he would come out and just give all these kids money so he could be the superstar of Brazil, not knowing that these kids, their job. Yeah. Yeah, their job is, hey, watch that fat fuck.

and when he pulls his money out see how much money he's got when he pulls it out and when he comes in and out let us know so that we can get fishing knives and stick it to his gut at some point did he get robbed out there at all well one night he actually was like a hot dog place or something right

we started buying stuff we were out front of the club help they had a cafe they have these cafes up front and it's like the best food ever too it's like chicken rice bean it's like awesome and we're eating and the kids came over but Patrice you know shoot them

get the fuck out did something like that pissed the kid off hurt his feelings he went immediately to this this Brazilian guy with no shirt

I mean just fucking abs from just doing pull-ups and push-ups you know that type of build like hungry abs oh god and I remember

we had two blocks back to the hotel it was the scariest walk of my life because you just heard this guy unto scour a manacan

fucking dula dula and he was walking behind us. You still understood fat motherfucker? Fat the motherfucker!

I threw that in. Patrice. I was like... I translated. He just walked faster. He was just... I never saw Patrice scared in my life. He was terrified.

Yeah. Because he was like, he kept going like this. Fuck. Yeah. Fuck. I can't run. You know, the... Fuck.

But the one I'm talking about was somebody was like, you guys went somewhere to eat. Just it was like an afternoon thing. And he pulled out, like, money to get the kids, like, he bought them all, like, hot dogs or something. And he thought he was being nice. And he said, whoever, like, their guide was, he said, came over and he was like, we've got to go right now. We have to go.

And he was like, and they were kind of like, why. And he was like, because those kids just go tell somebody there's a guy here with money. So, like, the second time we went, we hired a guy who was pretty much like, like, FBI in Brazil. Like, he could walk us right through customs. FBI. That's cool. You know, that type of guy. He was like that, whatever that is in Brazil, he was in the government.

we gave him money to watch over us and then we hired a guy from the favelas to watch him to watch us at night so we had two guys with us because it was a guy from Dell a guy who I don't know started Dell then sold his and he was just

he went down to Brazil just to be a fucking king he was like this nerdy Asian guy and so he kind of had these guys with him we gave him money too but yeah he came over that guy came over to Patrice was like we had to go right now because those kids ran around the corner

you can't go off the main block and you should cab it everywhere and you should never go on the beach early in the morning at night and you should never they say never get drunk and fucking walk around that's all I did there

that's all I did and I only got Rob once so it's pretty good but it's not even just prostitutes there's like women there that are like they see you're American they're like this is I can get a boyfriend and go to America

so they're very get the fuck out of here yeah yeah yeah it's like if they liked you they'd come up to you yeah it was pretty nice I almost I almost fucked that way in Venezuela, but then they watched my comedy and nobody wanted to come back

to America with me. I did not do well. You went to Venezuela? It was a one-night gig. And they're giving people shit for going to Saudi Arabia? Oh, my God. Venezuela? It's a socialist country now. Yeah. Oh, well, I went there

right around Carnival. It was a little political joke. Sorry, sorry, band, fan to the old bonfire. I didn't mean to throw that in. I don't know politics. I don't either. I just fucking know that one thing. The women were so beautiful It was one of those It was a black circuit show

So they were like Stop the music everywhere Stop grinding on each other During Carnival We're doing a comedy show now And it was like a local guy Opening for me I don't even know why I was like the main

It was just a bad idea And the local guy murdered of course With a bunch of local stuff He kept playing that Whop-wapwap after every joke It was set The fucking booty of your buttle It was a nightclub

It was a nightclub The talking level And the place was still of that of a nightclub Jesus. And I went up and ate shit for 30 minutes. Then I went back to my hotel room and got robbed by a prostitute. I wanted that girl to get out of the room before I said that. Is that your tennis coach?

Why is your publisher just like she's... Are you traveling with your tennis coach now? Why does she dress like she's just going to... Serving one love. That would be a great rumor to start about Matt McCusker. This guy's gone fucking big time. He's traveling with a tennis coach now. Whatever interest he has, he's just traveling with that person.

This is my photography guy. He teaches me photography. I was like, I was reading somebody's memoir and he talked about how he would, like, bring his sidepiece to work functions. And I was trying to tell my wife, I'm like, it is cool that he did that. It's like, it's not cool at all. I'm like, it's fucking kind of balzy.

Yeah. This guy kills it. I was watching The Sopranos last night, and Tony was like, yeah, back in the day, you had your gumma. You went with your gum on Friday, and you went with your wife on Saturday. And he went, well, vice versa.

Are you familiar with the passport bro thing? No, it's that. There's a big movement online of guys, young men who are not having, I guess, luck in America. And they go down to, like, Cuba and all these places. And they're, like, making viral TikToks being like, look how fucking hot these chicks are we're hanging out with. You mean to go in the idea is to bring her back? Yeah, some of them stay down there, dude. And they just kind of like, well, I guess, you know, we'll see in five years.

But, yeah, like, they, I was watching the thing on Vice. What the fuck? Oh, I thought you. Your plebice has changed. The idea is just to go down for a sudden. I heard us make fun of her outfit, and she came back in with another outfit. I have other stuff. I can look professional.

No, they, what you're going to go? They go down there, and they make vines being like, pay me a thousand bucks. Not vines, but whatever. TikTok's like, pay me a thousand bucks, and I'll teach you. We're fucking on. They're all the other on Friendster. They make six-second videos. They're doing Atari on Twitch.

and, no, they do a whole thing where, like, I can show you how to pick up women, but they're just in Cuba, like, with an IT job, making $80,000 a year and just lording over very poor women. Cuba was weird. Like, when me and I went down there, we saw, I didn't see as much of that as like. You were the prostitutes. Down there, you were the prostitutes. I love your dramatism.

Is that a word? Is that a word? Was that a word? Were the prostitutes. Dramatitism. Two men. being taken against their will to the songs of Pitbull. Oh, God.

But there was no, it's the, they, they prostitution was okay down there. But then the government found out that they were making so much money on prostitution, American dollars, that they weren't getting it. So now it's elite, you'll get arrested. You go away for 10 years. And there was this fucking jerk vlog guy who travels the world. I think he's a German dude. And he went down to Cuba and he just did.

So when you go to Cuba, you got to go to somebody's house, you kind of, you don't go to the bank to do your money because you'll get ripped off. So you'll do it with people, like locals, and they'll get you a better rate, right? And that's illegal. You know, buying cigars instead, not at the place, is illegal. And prostitutes illegal. So this guy went, got his money exchange, filmed it, filmed the guy, filmed him talking to girls. These girls came up. He's like, those are prostitutes.

I can hang out with them later. And then he went to the cigar place, got, you know, cigars. the government saw the video all those people got arrested and doing 10 years in prison what a dick they're all he can't go back to Cuba the fuck they people hate him oh for doing that yeah what an asshole

yeah it was weird like prostitution wasn't as big I thought there'd be a ton of chicks down there there was not there was like two chicks that walked there it might have been walking with that fucking fiend shirtless and you're risking 10 years of Cuban jail yeah and they don't fucking round yeah they know prostitutes walking

up to Ari with his shirt off walking through a jungle that's not the person already especially that time he had somebody had the beard and the hair all crazy he just found him in a well that's it that's an upside if the economy tanks hard enough

it'll be kind of like popping prostitution wise here maybe we'll be like a sexy prostitute country didn't you say it's the mayor is trying to make it legal here yeah the new mayor is going to make prostitution tolerable whatever it is like legal it already is though kind of

no you get fucking snapped not that I know but They'll take your Honda Accord I don't see the crackdown on prostitution I used to watch all the prostitution crackdown videos But now it's always a pedophile crackdowns Everyone's a pedophile

Turns out once you realize the internet came around It wasn't just paying for pussy You could pay for the youngest of pussy Yeah, the you can do it on you It's usually me You were so excited to point out it wasn't you? Oh god damn it, thank God How about when you go to a hotel

and they're like how many keys you want and you're like i wish i had hooker just one honestly i say seven i say seven i'm going to do a bottom party in my room later on grinder and i wait a second upon asking that i always say two do they think i want one for a prostitute that's what i assume it's for like a guest but i'm always like one i always say two in case i always assume i'm going to leave one in the pocket or something yeah i go i go one and write that down for the record one key no prostitutes please i say too because I'm definitely going to lose one and I always take a picture of my room outside because I'm an old fuck

and I always wind up on a floor going where am I? I have to go back down. Here's the problem. Bobby I told you about this. Christine just brought up eros.com which is the, that's when you're going to be paying for a girl that works in the industry or something. I don't get prostitutes

but I have in my life I'm not saying about I'm just past the, to me I have too much, it's not an ego thing as too insecure to the, I'm the guy when she comes over I go this girl would only do this if I gave her money Do you know what I mean?

I feel that's like I hate that feeling. Yeah, basically. With a little hat with a spinny thing on the top. She only sucks my ding-ding because I gave her money. But a very fun thing to do. That's why I take my balls and let them drop into my asshole. Why would you say it in front of gas? I'm sorry.

I forgot he wasn't here. He doesn't do that. As you're squeezing. There's a tennis girl's here and Becky. The tennis girl came back. How did she get back in? She's so fast. Do you say that while you're squeezing them as hard as you?

I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry. Remember I showed you a long time ago? If not arrow. So this is like the, I mean, what they believe to be high-end, expensive prostitutes. It's a guy. Type in, type in. I just went, ooh.

Where's a place I'm going? Type in Columbus, Ohio escorts. This is so funny. In the Google search. I know. There's no funny. I don't know the name. It's like a list crawl or something. Whatever it gives you, it's like local. It's like local. It's like local. last minute, like, it's so

funny. I mean, almost every city's got multiple midgets who will come fuck you. Really? Really? It's just they're almost all, yeah, the escort alligator. I wonder if my wife would let me just do a bucket list before, you know what I mean? Scroll, scroll through. Midget's fair. Midget's fair. Fickness and wet.

That's not attractive. Yeah, that's a crazy shot. What is not fitness and wet? Not for me if you dare, says this girl. Whoa. There you go. I think I know. I know I know her. She worked did she work at the comedy club? This, I find this, a very, when I'm out of Candy Crush lives, I'll tell you while I'm watching shit on, like watching YouTube clips,

I will thumb through these, it's so funny. It's hilarious. I can't thumb through that stuff because I will legitimately drain my bank account. Here's the, not only what I'm not doing anyway, take the moral stance out of it or the insecurity out of it. I don't even understand the, now it's like, I don't know how to Venmo friends money, let alone. a prostitute and I certainly

some of them things say it's like accepts a gift card like what wasn't it? I think it was Oh I know that the gift card is probably so if you're married because my wife has my finances completely pegged so I didn't that's a good idea I never thought about that you can buy a gift card and give them gift cards so you're like

I bought a gift card you can't do the Venmo I think it was Lewis somebody did Venmo and he was like I don't know how to do this she took the phone and just did like $5,000 and sent it That's brilliant. And she, here, go ahead. And he was like, what?

That is pretty brilliant. That's a move. Oh, is that a midget? Fun, petite-sized playmaker? Four-foot-10 spinner? Technically not a midget. What? No.

Legal midge is 3-7, I think. Oh, she has midgety face. Yeah, she has midgety butt. She has midgety ass. This seems where the kids could be. She has midgety tendencies. Oh, she's in a locker room. That's not.

Ooh, she has. She's got a big pancake. Big nipples. I like those. Those are the aeros. Those areoles are the eyes of the teacher in Pink Floyd's the Wall. Christine, bring up that girl's tits and Pink Floyd's the Wall? I, uh...

And the teacher from Pink Floyd's the Wall, please? I would... Have you ever... Has anybody been with a little person? Come on. No. I'm sorry. Midget? Yeah, you have to specify. I... He got mad because I got politically correct. Excuse me?

When I was on Mayhem Fest, they had three midgets doing the umpalumpas like routine between one of the acts and one of them was two guys and a girl a tiny little black midget and she was like she was adorable and sweet and she was telling me at one of the after parties that she was a stripper

also and I was like really? And she goes yeah I'll show you some time and I was like I think she's hitting on me. Then she came on the bunch she goes while we're at one of these things she goes you wanted me to give you a laugh dance now and I was like oh yeah sure we went on a bus and I was like I think I'm gonna fuck a midget and then she climbed me

did she bring her own stool no no she I was sitting and she climbed up me and did all kinds of weird midgety things on me be funny if she had like a flip out stool snapped it on the ground

and jumped on top of like a two-steper for the snack cabinet that's exactly what I was talking about I love that one that's what Ariel's look like whoa his eyes

it was a deep reference No, that was a great one. Got to it, though. Got to it eventually. So what happened with the baby? She jumped up on your lap. Yes, and then, like... She scaled you.

She did, like, a handstand, like, you know, right on my lap with her little button snooch in my face. And I was like, this is going as crazy. And then she was like, so that's pretty much it. She goes, I got to go! And then she just darted off the bus. And I was like, oh, she just really was showing me her strip routine. They have to make the chocolate.

Yeah. They can't strip all night. Someone has to get that chocolate river going They'll kill me if I'm not back at the factory That's crazy And then she got on one of those bicycles that flies I thought she was going to be like That's going to be $120 now

I thought she was going to hit you with like the strip club Probably could have got me Probably could have got me for that No but I went in there completely going And that's the worst feeling I've got several stories like this too Where you get the mistake Talk about why I probably have insecurity

Where I'm like All right let me do this girl the favor And then she's like Excuse me I don't have any interest in that I go, yeah, no, I know. I'm an idiot. That's so fun. Like the person that I was like, yeah, I guess I'm coming off my perch.

Buddy, I've done that with my wife. I'm like, come on, let's go. She's like, I'm good. I want nothing to do it you. I made chili. Go help yourself. I was at a bachelor party when I was like a long time ago. Before the statute of limitations.

Yeah. Well, yeah, this was like a long, long time ago. And I was like early 20s. And I didn't have any money. So like they flew. They're like, my friends. We're like, we'll just pay. You come out here.

So we're all. It was like, not. guys in a hotel room. I'm sleeping on the floor. And for the groom, it was like my two brothers were like, we're going to call, because they had the baseball cards, the hooker cards out in Las Vegas. It's like, we're going to call the groom a hooker because it just said like 50 bucks. And they're like, we got that. And on the way over there, there was like a hot tub in the room and my one brother, after he called, got in the hot tub and took his shirt off. And my other brother was like, why are you trying to get sexy for the hookers, dude? What are you doing?

He's like, they're not even for you. And then they came and it's actually going to be like $400. had to be like yeah we don't have that we have 60 bucks like give us that 60 and they just like woke the guy up and we're like get up and then they left that's what they did for they they woke a guy up for 60 bucks 60 bucks and he was like who's the fuck you're fully dressed yeah I was just sleeping on the floor your brother danced my brother jerked him off so you uh you shot this is there a theme is just is it just jokes or is there I saw the beginning you did some stuff with your wife that was pretty funny yeah that's awesome the trailer the POV yeah the POV was pretty funny I did like a long intro on it so

there's a long intro, but yeah, it was, it was really just, like, mostly just jokes. It was, like, the first time I got to write, like, a whole hour. The first special was just, like, all my old stuff, just, like, random shit, just, like, compiled together. This I got to actually, like, come up with the whole hour, but I didn't really, I don't think there's, like, I didn't, like, set out to do a theme. I, like, tried to it first, and it didn't work, and it just kind of became, like, a lot of family stuff, a lot of, like, how to have sex with your wife. Bobby? I'm going to watch. I'm going to watch, Jay.

Yeah, that's, it's a challenge. Wait until she goes to sleep? how do you guys both reject each other I guess I'll fuck you I don't want to fuck you I don't really want to fuck you C-MR How do you get to snob snoring

While you're fucking are How do you get the stop snoring? Pill over the face I found works They sell those no strips For women for that now You can like open up the airways So you don't have to listen to them snoring

Maybe I'll put a mouth strip on her And a reverse nose strip And we'll solve the problem And I'll be able to fuck midgets In Brazil Finally Completely blocking it Brazilian midgets, the most forbidden fruit.

Because they fight back. Yeah. They're not afraid of you. Who directed it? Tyler Falbo from Friday beers. Okay. So, yeah, he's the man. He's really, he was so, he was awesome to work with.

Super helpful the whole time, yeah. Are you loving the moon? I know you're not in Philly now. You've been in Austin for a while. You love it down there? I do. I like it, man. I like the,

I just, I don't know, the weather's nice and it's like for kids, like my kids like it. And it's, like, I live in like a little, like, it looks like the suburbs, but I'm, I'm like 10 minutes from the city. So I like it. Are you on the Roganverse? Yeah, I think so. I don't know. I think so.

I hope so. So our buddy, Butterley, he's out there too. He's got kids, same thing. Yeah, she's butterly all the time. It's absolutely great. I would love to, I hate it here. The only reason, this show is the only reason why I would stay here. If I didn't have this show, I would fucking move to another state.

100%. I mean, New York's, I like New York. I like to visit and stuff, but it's too much, man. There's so much money. It's like, look, I love Manhattan, but it's like, Like, I don't know. I ride the subway. I'm 50-something and I'm terrified.

I'm like, always ready to, I'm like, stab quick, like in the prison. Dude. And I'm like practicing stabbing people every day in my head. He's accidentally killed three just passengers. No, but I was in, I left, I left-Femeral Otterby. Dude, I left Philly and that was a tremendous source of, like, relief when I could, like, park my car and not be, like, looking around. Like, is anyone coming? Me and my wife walk our son to the bus stop every morning now.

we take this stroll through the neighborhood with the dog and then we go down to the town and to the coffee shop anything to not fuck we say really just anything you can imagine not to fuck each other we say hi to 50 people yeah every people driving by we don't know and wave it's like this beautiful thing and then i jump in a car and i come here and i'm just hiding my watch i'm just like great, I got a knife in my pocket for two blocks. Walk across the street you motherfucker. Last night driving home as soon as they get in the car.

Go! What the fuck? This fucking town. It's just this anger. And I used to love that. I used to thrive on that. But now it's like I can't have this happy life. When I had just that, it was fine. But now I have this tranquil life. And then I come in here and I turn to this fucking savage.

And then I come home and I hit Dawn. It's like, I'm sorry. That was not for you. That was for New York. You just took New York's beaten bitch. He took that hooker. He took money off me. But no, there's a lot of like, just kind of like, you know,

tension around, like, stand-up cities. And it's like, it literally doesn't matter. If you can get up and do stand-up and then go home and, like, your house is chill, that's like. It doesn't matter. It's all, like, give a fuck. Yeah, exactly. People were like, is it really is like, blah, blah, blah.

It's like, dude, I literally go do stand-up and go home. The Austin Club's a scene. What I'm saying, it's the mothership. Yeah, you can do mother's. Other clubs, though, but it says other clubs, like any other city that has some stuff. You can do, like, three spots in front of an audience that's kind of, it's not like the same. In Philly, I'd have to do like a showcase that I promoted. It would just be my own podcast fans coming out, and then you're like, you can't only do that so much before.

I literally push it to the limit. I kept doing these, like, new material showcases. The only cities who have that are now, though, I think essentially New York, L.A. and Austin. Yeah, so you can get it done, but, you know, you have other stuff at stand-up, and you have other stuff in the beginning of it, right? like a short what it was in the same i did some animated stuff so i did some animations i'm really trying to just write books eventually and just kind of disappear yeah me too that's my go yeah jay one second the shama yeah i'm trying to get back to books really yeah yeah reading or writing we're hoping we're hoping we're hoping louis j Gomez's book does well so

he leaves our lives we're hoping his coffee and everything makes him a gazillionaire so he is off to where does he go body bring coffee everybody let's go live in jamaica for you wacko. Yeah, buy an island. You buy an island, Johnny Depp. Look, girl's shit on your bed. The special Humble Offering premieres on Netflix

this Tuesday. Coming up October 7th. Adamat's going to be, of course, a helium comedy club in Buffalo, October, October 17th, and 18th. After that, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Naples, Florida, coming up, Madison, Wisconsin, all great clubs.

For tickets and all their tour dates, visit Matt McCusker.com. Matt, thanks so much for hanging out with this buddy. Thank you, guys. Good luck with everything. And we'll see. you next time oh yeah if you guys want to come one last time everybody if you want to come on monday the 6th 2 30 p.m to watch us with marcus king here in the fishbow at serious xm all you got to do is sign up for a chance at seriousxm.com slash podcast's month one more time

podcast's month podcast month oh that sucks ah watchup dot live slash robert kelly for all his States. I'm in Portland this weekend. Portland, Oregon. Not Portland, Maine, where Bobby's doing his lifelong residency. I'm going to my tiny house this weekend. If you're in New Hampshire, come by your tiny house. He lets anybody come. You're psycho? I did. That's crazy. We can't talk about that. You're bad shit. Yeah, he's going to kill you still. Stop. You gave a lunatic your eyes. All right. Relax. Stop! He knows. Enjoy the pre-record tomorrow. We'll catch you guys back again live Monday

with an eagle's win I'm sure until that no crackle crackle crackle