The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Romantic Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)

Episode Date: March 15, 2024

Ari Shaffir's reputation as an evil villain is in jeopardy as a story of him being a sensitive boyfriend goes viral.

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big Jay Okerson. We're actually a full radio show on Sirius XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of the Bonfire, you can listen on the Sirius XM app. Go to SiriusXM.com slash bonfire for a special offer. And now the Bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. What is this DJ Lou? No. This is a song I pick up along in my travels.

I just bring him to the show and see what you think. I like it. What is it? Megan Trainor. Megan Trainor? Yeah. Oh, that's the chubby chick who's all about that bass. No treble.

Yeah. No treble. Yeah Megan trainer Nope Was that L King? Oh, yeah, that's the girl who got drunk at the Grand Ole Opry and started cursing a bunch Oh, really church people were like whoa She's like I don't give a shit I like this makes me snap makes me snap I have a theory when you I'm gay now when you get to a certain age and start saying you like this kind of music it looks so bad you're supposed to not like this why cuz it looks like you're trying to look cool to your child.

Max would never like this silly shit. No. No. Oh la la la da. Oh I love when they say all the words out. Black Lou, this is corny right? Absolutely. Corny.

Lou, you dance to this at a... It's chick music. It's for like a, you know, like one of those, you know, thing in my head. Oh yeah, put your purse in the middle. It's all dance around it. No, it's one of those shows. One of those like the OC shows. Me and you both have purses by the way. We do have purses. But I'm not listening to Meghan Trainor. Yeah, you are.

No I'm not. You're about to get into it. I mean I am because you're making me. You're gonna sing it probably three days from now. You're gonna go fuck. No You know if I'm doing trainer. I'm going all about that bass. No trouble as a fat girl saying it's cool that I'm fat She's all about that bass that big ace It's a bonfire. We got a great guest in who I've missed haven't seen in a long time Oh, I haven't seen him in a long time traveling off and joining tribes and Oh, I haven't seen him in a long time traveling off and joining tribes and

carnavaling That's right. It wasn't carnival. It's pretty fucking 75 sold out shows in Denver, Colorado two weeks I had I never asked people their money and I was like that was money, right? Yeah. Yeah 14 sold that shows she I was I was in a roadhouse this week in Mohegan playing the club 16 sold that shows how's that feel to him really it was 16 or half oh yeah the one he added he added the last one on Sunday midnight and there was only half people half but I did them in the gym there people you can fit more people in. More people.

Plus if it was just tornado, it wouldn't affect it. And I only did 22 minutes. I made 16 specials. They're coming out on YouTube on Gas Digital. Nice. I was doing the show and the arena, they have the big arena there, you know, UFC, you know, Avenged Sevenfold, and then all of a sudden,

Avenged Sevenfold. It's spelled with a seven. I believe yes I said not always and then they go and then times the V in sevenfold is a seven. Oh really? It's sevenfold seven seven or actually like seven even fold is that avenged sevenfold mean you're mad Set you're gonna get revenge with seven like you're you're you're avenging you're gonna avenge Seven I guess it was. I never bothered to think about anything they did or said. Wouldn't you have to be...

Avenge, is avenging for somebody else? Revenging is for yourself. No, avenging is for somebody else, so maybe they're avenging seven times. I think that's overkill. It's avenge seven. You kill me, you kill Jacob, I'm gonna, that won't work. You cut off one of Jacob's fingers, you're missing seven fingers. And that does not add up.

Jacob, you've been avenged sevenfold. Sevenfold, you've been avenged. You feel like what, just onefold, twofold? You're like, no Jacob, I push back. I was walking by and I saw Shane's face. It's just so funny. Was he there that night? No he's not, he's coming,

but his head came up on the arena. Yeah, and it comes up so big. But his head's huge, and it's just him funny cuz it's either that night. No, he's not he's coming but his head came up on the arena Yeah, and it comes up so big but his head's huge and it's just him with a mustache It's not like his glamorous photo. Nope. Just a t-shirt black t-shirt a mustache and I gave him the finger I took a picture of give him the finger and I sent it to him and then he immediately Texted me back what he's making And I want I wanted to jump off the fucking balcony. That's what he did for me last year in Denver. I did like eight or nine and he was like, nice paycheck. I'm like, yeah, he's like, tell me.

I told him, I guess, cool, I made more than that in one night, but there. But I'm like, fuck you. I could have paid off all my bills and bought a new house and a boat. I could have done a lot. All Shane's promotional pictures look like they just yelled out his name and he turned around

from a grill at a barbecue. What? I still get. Shane, focus. I still get my check and I'm like, dude, there was more people than that. Yeah. I definitely made, you guys fucked up the numbers.

Guys, I think this is a million short. It's about a, you ever take a million short? Guys, I don't know, listen. It's short. And I'm a mathematician. 10,000 sevenfold. Look, I didn't go to college, and I'm a mathematician. 10,000, sevenfold. Look, I didn't go to college, but I think this is about 10,000, sevenfold short. It's like, Shane doesn't even get-

10,000 and sevenfold today. He wears Levi's and a t-shirt. I mean, what is he doing? What's he doing with all that money? Four score and sevenfold ago. Shane dresses like a pregnant mom. She's like, I just had to run to Walmart real quick and pick up some supplies and take a picture.

For SNL. Yeah, no, they got a fucking photo booth out there in Walmart, it's pretty good. Yeah, he really is. God bless him. God bless him, I guess. No, I guess, I guess. I mean, I wrote back and go, buy me a Rolex.

I'll tell you what he does with his money, he takes care of his people, man. Tommy Pope's got a house and a Lamborghini. Dude, me and Shane went to eat, went to barbecue like a couple months ago. And the check came down, as soon as they put it in the middle, I just slid it across. I was like, obviously.

You've got this, bro. He was like, I got it. I'm like, I know. Did you announce Ari yet? Yeah, I did. I said Ari Shafir. Oh, my name is Ari. Sorry. Ari Shafir is here.

I don't think he did. I think he said I miss so much. I do. I miss. Ari Shafir is here. He's filming a new special, of course. I mean, what do you get to do? One every fucking year?

Stop setting the curve. A few years. A few years. I've been wondering what the time was. That was a couple years. A couple years, a few years. Everyone knows the time. That was a couple years. A special capital turnaround in Washington, D.C. April 26th, 27th, get tickets now at irishavira.com.

What's this theme? This theme is about how you suck, Bob. This is a good theme. Yeah, I got two and a half hours, I gotta cut it down. Your wife gave me a lot of tips. My next one-man show is Pro Hamas. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

Stop killing babies. Also, Ari's got a new podcast, UB Trippin', which I did. I believe you did Bobby too, right? No, Bobby's still got to come. I think someone's trying to lock him down. He's giving me the runaround. No, I'm not. I got to grab him.

Now that you're thin, you have the ability to give me the runaround. Ah. Ah. That was a good one. He used to give me the sit around. Probably give me the old sit around. The sit breathe heavy around.

It's sitting on you but it's calling you thin so you're like all out. I'll take it. I'll take it. It was a good one. I wanna do it. I wanna do it. I know.

I got a good Guat, I went to Guatemala twice. Twice. That'd be a good one. Yeah. I love Guatemala. Yeah, we'll do that. First one was a rough one dude.

Guatemala the first time was a rough one for me. I stole Antiquities, I almost got caught. Antiquities in Antigua. Yeah, Antigua, you know, you fucking know. I've been there. I brought $400 cash with me for some reason. Yeah, but nothing there is more than fucking eight bucks. And I had $400 cash and I was in Antigua.

Is that right? Antigua. And I was so paranoid that I was gonna get robbed that I had my money in a money belt, but at the time I was so fat, when I had to take my money out, it was under my stomach, I had to pull it up to my tits.

So every time I had to pay for something, I revealed my money belt to everybody. And the money's all wet Damp soft cash and they're like that is security. So I went to take a shit at this place You can be walking alone. I'm like just keep walking I don't want your money and I took I went to take a shit and I took my money out To count make sure I was so paranoid put it I left it on top of the toilet No, and I left I just went back downstairs and I left it on top of the toilet. No. And I left, I just went back downstairs and I left $400 on the toilet.

AKA a new house for anyone in Guatemala. What do you mean a new house? He's the fucking president of Guatemala right now. He owns a coffee company. Someone took it? It's gone, yeah, of course, I went back. You went back up and you're like, fuck, hoping. Gone.

But I saved, I saved probably half the country. Yeah. Yeah, half the country is actually eating for me for a year and a half. Well, that saves you doing an episode, Ari. Yeah, sure, well that was pretty much it. You Be Trippin' premiering March 18th. That's next Monday, everybody.

It's this coming Monday. Oh yeah, it's this coming Monday. It's You Be Trippin' Pod on YouTube. Please subscribe right now. Whatever you're doing right now, go to You Be Trippin' Pod and subscribe so I can get the numbers. It's a new YouTube channel, so I wanna get to like,

you know, 50,000 before it starts. It's a whole new YouTube channel. A whole new. Why'd you do that? A higher ceiling. So it's not like linked up with my standup, which some people really despise. They hate you.

Yeah, it's like, this is for like the wanderers. Well, now that you're a heartthrob, because no one knows who you are, no one did any research beyond reading that one little thing. Now that you're a heartthrob, because no one knows who you are, no one did any research beyond reading that one little thing. Now that you're a creator, you're an influencer. I am, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, no, you know, Ari's a heartthrob.

I'm a heartthrob. He told his story, and the women are swooning about his story. This is not the press I wanted at all. It was so funny. Can I hear that story again? What was that? I have worked very hard to build a reputation.

As being a soulless, emotionless, Yes. Ludicick. To keep people out. And then one little off-handed comment to some fucking cleavage slut. And everything goes south. Oh, it's a Lauren Compton show?

Yeah. Yeah, you told a beautiful story. She mesmerized you with her honkers. Yeah, she honked. Were they hanging out? They were hanging out when she was here. They were just. I mean, they're nice.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they are. Despite Krakomiko calling them saggy in that one video, it's saggy. I've seen the OnlyFans. That ain't sags. No, no, no. Listen, Krakomiko just takes the shots.

Yeah, well, that's a bad shot. No. Everyone gets a little. It's usually based in something. That one's like, that's a bad shot, Krak. Those are nice. I think the picture he puts up, they don't look great in the picture. Are those them? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, those are perfect. I mean, what are we talking about? No, no, they're nothing but fantastic. And she is an angel sent to Earth. Wow. Wow. Also really nice lady, but I can't be trusted. That's not the one. I've seen her life.

That's not the one where she's showing the butt hole in Chaunch, is it? That's not really her. I love the way she did the asshole and tits. Is that her, Ari? Look at her face, is that her? College graduate. I don't believe it is.

I don't think so, dude. She never showed a slot like that. Top left is her. Yeah, the one with the big hat, trying to... Yeah, but she never showed like that. Christine, you should get one of those hats. I gotta be honest, Lauren, why so big a hat? Yeah, the hat's ridiculous. The hat's ridiculous.

I get it, you don't want sun, but... She probably doesn't wanna get sun on those titty tan lines. How about a little zinc? I love a tan line. I'll tell you what, nice throwback with the tan line. Tan line, yeah, 1970s, 80 what nice throwback with the tan love act and like yeah, that's nice at 70s I mean 90s the first I saw really panned boobs I thought they were off because I had only seen porn with the triangles on them in the night because I was a 90 the

90s porn was they on very on purpose dark tanned around those so they're I thought it was an odd. I think the 80s to do it dude. 80s, ginger lin, when everybody was named ginger in porn. Absolutely, but it was once the fake titty came in, the hard fake titty on the small tit, when they make the small tits big, they would always really highlight those. To show you that there's some definition. Type in 90s porn stars, I promise you every picture.

Triangle titties. Triangles on them. If you're listening at home, just imagine triangle titties. Triangles on them. How is he? If you're listening at home, just imagine Triangle titties. Yeah, if you're listening at home, look how happy Jacob just got. That's true. How is the-

Yeah, good call, Christine. You picked the right one, I would've picked, ah, there's panties on. We both thought there was gonna be Slot there. Damn, Slot. What an awful name for a phone. You can't take the filly out of trash. What is this channel you're looking at, Christine?

This is a... Google? Google, dude. This is Jacob's wedding pictures. Oh, look at those too. The search engine on the internet. Yeah. Alright, Cracker Mee Go.

I just want to know what I'm going to be doing later. Cracker Mee Go fact check. I'm going to use the URL. I believe it's called. Those titties ain't saggy. Cracker Mico. What was the thing you said on the podcast? What was the story?

Just say it. I just did a nice, it was like a surprise, a surprise. And that's what you went viral for? Yeah, it was just like. It's better than what you usually go viral for. Yeah. Right? That must have been a.

Killing basketball stars. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. The story written in the post doesn't exactly make sense. Why, what does it say in the post?

I don't wanna talk. It says that you like flew to Mississippi and then spent the night in Philly. Philadelphia, Mississippi. Small town of Mississippi. Okay. What was it about? You just went night store girl?

I went to see Dolly Parton. Really? Surprise, and Dolly Parton doesn't play anymore. She's doing one benefit show for a fuckin', her friend, Marty Stewart's Country Music Hall of Fame in his hometown of Philadelphia, Mississippi. He wants remnants and stuff, so she's doing a show. I've been following her for a fuckin' year, just trying to get tickets to anything she does.

And then there was a whisper of her doing it. That's not even the best part. And what happened? Surprise. I said pack your bag. Pack your bag to go? To the lady. I was just like where we're going? Like don't worry about that. We'll figure it out. She didn't know. She had no idea. And then she didn't even know we were going to the airport. So you just got to the airport and you jumped on the plane. Pack hiking stuff. Pack cocktail attire. Knowing you shoes. So should I get my shots? Yeah? Do you want to come back to Rob's house in America?

So then what you are you don't have to play tough guy here come on, dude Talk to us are you guys hitting me with fucking sad music no? Beautiful. Yeah, I don't have my fucking earbuds on you You fucking assholes. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it. We're not doing this. Come on, dude. And then I jerked off on an old lady. I saw a rape of a homeless man and I fucking got hard. And I called the cops. I said, nothing's going on here. Move on.

So you land and what happens? Shut up, you guys. You guys suck. Fuck all of you. Come on, dude. We all we're on love. Why? Because you're a man who appreciates beauty of the world. Well, because you're not the rogue guy from LA anymore that went around. Oh, hey. Oh, I forgot how you fucking hate that I love that like what are you talking about? It's a fantastic place to go. There's great comedy there Our result or ego is love Superman love Superman

This is Clark. Kim. But you love love LA right LA is awesome. Oh, dude I fucking love LA more than anything in the world LA. We love LA There yeah, I mean really rich people yeah rich sold people you love LA to are you right LA is I got again hold on I love LA When someone gives you the ding? It is fun. So what happened, you land and what? It's one of the things that Bobby Kelly,

when he came to the bonfire, brought with him. Hell yeah. Well so you land and she still doesn't know. Yeah, we just pulled up at the airport. She's like, where the fuck are we going? That's crazy. Yeah, she's like, where do we go, the airport? And then we drove, flew to Birmingham, Alabama.

First class. No, dude. You're a coach? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Okay. Coach plus for me.

Well, yeah. Right. She was back, she was in the back. You know, I got bumped up. So, yeah, she was back there. I showed her my food and then brought it back to my seat and ate it. And then, I gotta make this,

I gotta make myself cooler in this. My normal self. So you land, and where do you land? What town? Birmingham. Birmingham, and is there a car, you get a limo or Uber? Nice dude, I like this.

Yeah, no, I rented a car. You rented a car. So you had to go to a car rent, you had to take a shuttle. In the airport, Birmingham airport's small enough. Baby, keep your blindfold on, we're going to Hertz. Yeah, Hertz, get outta enough. Baby, keep your blindfold on. We're going to Hertz. Yeah. Hertz, get out of here.

Fox, bro. And I don't have that much money. I've already spent money on the tickets. Went to Fox. And then? And then we just started driving and driving and driving. And then you pull up. You go right to the show?

No. Went to Mississippi. OK. Drove to the Mississippi border. Two hours. And she's like, what the fuck? Where are we going Mississippi. OK. Drove to the Mississippi border. Two hours. What the fuck? Where are we going? She still doesn't even know. It's beautiful. Has no idea. It was pretty bomb.

And then and then what? And then you went to sleep, went to sleep and she doesn't know. Yeah. Wondering for sure. Wondering what we're doing in fucking Philadelphia, Mississippi. Did you make love that night? Um, no, she went to sleep and I jerked off to one of those points that she just pulled up. I got to make myself cooler in this.

That's so nice. So you wake up, you go to breakfast? Wake up, jerked off again in the shower. You guys had morning shower sex? That's the kissiest kind. I did the right thing. I took a dump in the lobby, in the lobby bathroom. I really cared. So then that night you get ready. Did the right thing I took a dump in the lobby in the lobby bathroom

So then that night you get ready do you tell her to bring a certain type of clothes no I had her friend come over. Oh, no you had her pack. Yeah, a friend packed all her tassels and boots and shit You guys fucking suck wait a minute wait a minute come see DC. Could you make a magical night for a young lady? So she had a suitcase full packed. She didn't have to do anything. She packed another thing with some fucking underwear or whatever. Are you recording a spoken word about love? God damn, shut the fuck up, Jacob. I wish I never met you in LA.

LA, the greatest city in the world. Oh, fuck. Damn it. I tried to like really milk it. Seriously though, the best comics in the world come from LA. LA is the best comedy city. Damn it! I tried to really milk it. Seriously though, the best comics in the world come from LA. LA is the best comedy series. Good people also! You know, really in a pinch, they'll have your back.

When times are bad, they're always here to get you. It's not very hard just to be like, I don't care what you guys are saying, that guy's my friend, and they always do that. What a fucking soulless piece of dumb place that is. I don't worry about industry first. I worry about friends and family first. And you know what? The traffic isn't that bad anymore in LA. And the bums are not that big a deal.

So then you... God, they've gotten out of hand there. Jay, Jay, Jay! Sorry, sorry, I'm fritzing, I'm fritzing. Jesus Christ. So, so you, you tell her what to wear though, right? No. So then we went to get breakfast.

For the listeners at home, breakfast is the first meal of the day, often with eggs in America. Toast. Not when you're long haul trucking like these listeners. Err, err. So then what? Anyway, so we went into town, just like let's drive around town. And then every fucking storefront had these like

pink tassels, cowboy hats, butterflies. And every store, the fucking loan officer, the fucking shops, everybody had their storefronts dolled up saying welcome Dolly. The whole town got behind. It was a town of about a thousand people and this was huge for them. But she still didn't know. Well, once she saw that she fucking went nuts.

She went nuts. She goes what the fuck? And then we drove by Marty's to his country music hall of fame, the Ellis Theater I think, and then she saw it. And then you went in. She was like, this is awesome. No, then we went back. She's like, let's change. She goes, I would have brought, oh, I'll wear my cocktail

tie, I would have brought something different for Dolly. So she ruined it in a little way. No, but I was like, that's what's in the other bag that I packed. Oh. And then you made love. And then you made love. Yeah.

Well, I just. You fell into each other's arms? All right, start it up. Let's lean in. Start off the music You may love before the show no No, who's that? You save it? Maybe after so then you go to the show the seats what front row 12th row 12th row

Yeah, we can see where the wrinkles on Dolly Parton's face would have been she not First up over the earth's weren't so heavy dragging would have been. She not really cared for herself over the years. For tits weren't so heavy dragging her face down. God damn, she fucking ruled as a performer. Yeah, but I'll tell you what, on top of the performing though, you definitely would still fuck Dolly Parton. No, no, no, reverse that. You gotta go reverse.

I for sure would. Is that her at the Ellis? No. No. She was wearing a dress. Did she cry? I cried. You cried? Oh yeah, wearing a dress did she cry I cried you cry oh yeah dude when did you cry while she was on when she came out when she left you cried in the concert oh yeah showed her you the real I cry all the time in music if

somebody's crushing it I cried the real Ari came out of it she saw the real Ari it's too Comedy Central now is that You're not even on Comedy Central! Fuck! I can't sue serious! They have too many heavier lawyers. I gotta get this taken down. Jacob, can I talk to you? That Lauren Compton's can's really brought out that son of a bitch. I'll put your brother's fuckin' uh, truly company. You made slow motion love afterward, didn't you? Did you kiss her in the concert? Oh you did. You definitely did.

Yeah, what she's saying, I will always love you. Did you sing that song, both of you, at the same time? She had a story, legitimately, she had a story for every song, and the stories were so fucking good. She goes, this song's being recorded by more people than anybody in history. By any song in history.

I wanted to do, the king and I wanted to do a song with this, he reached out and said, I wanna do a song with you, Elvis Presley. But then, you know, his manager, the Colonel, said, I want the publishing rights. And I'm like, Colonel, I ain't giving you the publishing rights. He goes, well, I want to do a song with you Elvis Presley but then you know his manager the Colonel said I want the publishing rights and I'm like Colonel I ain't giving the publishing rights but he goes well I want half those rights and he goes Colonel it's the most covered song in history I ain't giving you those rights and anyway so we never did it but it wasn't it wasn't Elvis fault he wanted to

do it this song is I Always Loved You but it was so fucking good. And all that time you were you had your arms around her waist and your chin on her shoulder. You were Kevin Costner and she was Whitney Houston. Oh my God, oh my God. Did she carry you out of the place? Yeah, she carried him. Oh my God. That's funny. So then the concert ends.

And then we went out, we went into town. The town is like, nothing's open this late. It's nine a PM on a Saturday. The one bar in town wouldn't be open at this point if not for Dolly here and all these people from out of town and everything people were coming up to me during the show like outside she did one song outside for all the townspeople they're like we'll put it on Jumbotron for you guys because you guys can't afford tickets it was it's cost too much and and yeah so she did one song out there,

I'm out there in my fuckin', the one I wore for This Is Not Happening, the three piece denim fuckin' suit with the, you know, whatever. And someone's like, excuse me, excuse me. It felt like they, they recognized me, that kind of thing. And they're like, are you from out of town? I was like, yeah, like, thank you for coming here. That's so cool, how do you like Philadelphia?

And I'm like, it's awesome, thank you. Like, wow, nice. They don't recognize you at all. It was, I heard someone from Amsterdam here. You addressed like a lawyer from 1939. Yeah. I just like I'm taking the oil rights. Yeah. Ari was in his, uh, the designer was I say, I say, I say, what an exquisite story that was. I'll tell you what, uh, Ari, Ari's going on tour and doing a special, you're going to get to hear romantic ditties like this across the board, it'd be my guess.

It's going to be a lot of iron. This is the softer side of 50 year old Ari. That's the suit, that's the suit. I mean it was a hundred, literally a hundred plus degrees out there, that suit was so fucking hot. But you did it for love. Did you make love that night after the contest? So my husband had to get his fucking

his driveway repaved and he went in there and got the repaved and he's talking to this lady and this lady's talking to him and I go in there and I'm like, what you talking to this lady for? And he goes, well I gotta get my driver repaved in the business. I'm like, why are you talking to her and not the boss? And I'm like, well she's doing it. I'm like, you better get your ass home.

I assume you better get your ass home before I beat that ass anywhere her name is Jolene here's a song about it dude every fucking one was so fucking good she fucking rules headphones are you can get you can do your Dolly Parton moment right now I'm doing Kenny Rogers islands in the stream what we are no one in between how can we be like you sing it that night all the way we rely on each other haha yeah from one lover to another haha Now here's the Dolly Parton part, dude. Take it away. I don't know. Just already now.

Oh, you put my separate lyrics. I have a long show of it. Oh, god damn, what a fucking good concert. I've been checking off. I've been going with you guys to check it off some legends Sure this last year. I Soon we got a Corey Feldman for sure they're playing together Yeah, so what's it called the losers tour or something like that? What yeah something like that? Me and Jay doing that next week. Limp Feldman?

At the Huntington. We're ever doing our losers tour at the Paramount Theater Huntington, New York next Thursday night, 8 PM. You're out next week? Loserville Tour. Next Thursday night, I will already be on the road. I'm doing a wrong side of history tour. Starting up.

Bus tour with Colin Terrell, Ryan O'Neil. Limp BI. From Savannah to Toronto. Wow, damn, Loserville Tour. Yeah, Corey Sullivan. Which one's Limp Bizkit now to Toronto Wow damn loser Viltor. Yeah, Cory, which one's which one's limp biscuit Now that's a hat he needs to wear. Hey, we talk about Fred Durst yeah, I'm afraid there's something on the right No, no Fred just in the middle. No, that's him. No, it's all the way on the right. No, it's a bigger It's a cost. Oh, it's a cost. He does it the Cochise look. Oh

He changed his look. Yeah, I don't think he's have the Coach East look. Oh. Oh, he changed his look? Yeah, I don't think he's doing that even right now, actually. I think he changed that. We saw him perform in a bucket hat. Are you sure that's not him in the middle? Who's the guy in the middle? I'm 100%... 1,000% sure.

1,000? Yeah, look, it's Fred Durst, on the right. That's DJ Lethal. That's why his hat says Lethal. And that's Wes Borland, who always wears a mask. No, you don't have to talk to me like the way Don talks to me when I'm wrong. It's just Lethal. Lethal. Can I tell you the best story, Don? You don't have to. Just say you the way Don talks to me when I'm wrong. It's just lethal, lethal.

Can I tell you the best story, Don? You don't have to. Just say you're right and I'll agree and we'll move on. Yeah, you're right. Best story? Best story she told. Is it the one date you went on with? No, best story she told, but I need Jacob's help for this. Off mic for a second. When I point to you.

Good, good mic work, Lou. Thanks. OK, so she's like, well, I remember we grew up about Do it again. Wait, what's that good? You got that? Okay. I remember we grew up in the Smoky Mountains in North Carolina We had we had the fair come in we had the circus come in and there was this bear in the circus now I know these days this wasn't humane back then we didn't know any better and we had this bear in there We'd all feed it coca-cola's we give it coca-cola's he ripped the top off He drink that coca--Cola all the time and there's one boy this one mean old boy and he filled up one of them Coca-Cola

cans with a with kerosene and then he gave it to the bear and the bear ripped it open and drank the whole thing man that bear was mad he tore out of that cage starts running down the road running down to the next town then eventually just kept running running running that all of a sudden stopped and fell over Was he dead? Nope out of gas Great She fucking rules times were different back then. I was getting gang bang, Bobby. Oak Ridge boys.

Yeah. Of course, he's looking for those tickets for his Limp Bizkit. It's fine. You guys gonna go? When is it? I checked. It was almost sold out. I'm only gonna see the bands of people that I ever cared about.

No, but I was saying Journey and Toto is coming. That I would see. Do you think they'll play Africa by Toto? I think they're gonna. Look at that. Look at those fucking fans. Bored on their private jet. Bored on a private jet with takeout food.

Eat a dick, both of you. O'Connor has no right to be there. There's sushi in front of them. Yeah, on open sushi. I would've taken that back to the hotel room. Steve Burns is on the tour. It's Shane on the tour. Which tour is this?

Oh, the sushi tour, no. Oh, I get it. Thanks. Um. Look at that. Yeah, look at him. Private planing. It's wild, the comics have taken private planes.

It's crazy, I mean, comics are rock stars now. I know, but still, I saw David Lucas was talking to Danny Brown, this rapper, and he said, I'm going to England for some festival, and David Lucas was like, are you flying and Danny Brown just goes that what you guys are out of your fucking minds with this private I'm going first class and that's an upgrade it used to be only like Mark Cuban flew private now everybody's doing it it means nothing it's a real money spend I mean if you're making that much

when you get there but still gotta be a... I'm flying private this weekend to Tampa. You're flying private? Yeah. No, you're taking a private Uber to the airport. That's different. It's different, but it's the same thing. It's the same thing. But there's no traffic that's in the morning,

so he's flying there. He's flying. You didn't say who was on the plane. Oh, Shane Gillis and Chris O'Connor. Good point, good point. If you're listening at home, we were looking at a picture of Shane Gillis and Chris O'Connor. Good point, good point. If you're listening at home, we were looking at a picture of Shane Gillis and Chris O'Connor both yawning

how bored they are with their wealth. We really stink. We fell off. We fell off so big. Damn, new lawyer. Would you make enough money to do private now? How much is it? It's like 20 grand for a...

We just did 19 shows in Colorado. No, I think it's like, I think they said it's like 12,000 a... You just did 19 shows in Colorado. 20 grand? No, I think it's like, I think they said it's like 12,000 an hour or something. An hour? Per hour. I do not make that much. No, no.

Oh yeah. No, you can, you can, I remember Louis... Cause if you make it 100 grand, it's not worth it. If you make it 100 grand a night, that's not worth it. But it is worth it if you have to go from this city to that city to this city and you wouldn't make it. If you did a... If you wouldn't make it.

Routing was, it actually makes sense to do it. And it's only, I think 15 grand. You're gonna see an awesome race from 30 there. But now they have these rental ones. It's kind of like a shared. Yeah, you can, you can, monthly you get charged. You're a member of this thing, and you can jump on a plane.

It's like a time share. Yeah, you can jump on a plane with a bunch of other people that are on the plane. I did one with a comic who doesn't want anyone to know flies private and I'm not gonna tell you just let us guess Let us guess I won't say I'm great Does he tell stories? We all tell stories. No, but like is he a storyteller or is he a joke writer? Yeah, Sam. I know who is ask the right question, but But is he black or white?

In shape or not listen, everybody's got some room to give. In between? In between. Does he have facial hair? Everybody's got a little bit. Is he brown? No. Well, no one's white or black.

Dean Del Rey. No. We all got a little Dean in us. But anyway, they didn't have this fucking plane. They're like, sorry, we got repairs. They bumped into a bigger one for free. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. What a nice thing. Yeah, it was nice. I did shit with the door open. When me, Tim, Dillon, Shane, and Nick Mullen did these two gigs. Shane Gillis, go watch me. We private from one to the other, from one city.

And it was an hour flight. And yeah, I thought it was like 12 grand. It's not bad. It's not that it's bad, it's just like, Jesus, man. The great part about it is you can just walk on the plane. You don't have to go through security. You walk on it. It's unbelievable.

They have that though. You ever been to one of those at like, outside Burbank Airport, Oakland Airport? There's a few where it's like a separate airport, and it's like 15, it's like a private jet but they fill it up. And then you take your Uber right there, they give you some snacks, you go right on the plane. No check, no nothing.

Delta has the red vest for 200 bucks, I think it is. 200 bucks, a lady meets you out front in a red vest and walks you through everything and then comes and gets you in the lounge and brings you on the plane before everybody. This isn't even that, this is a private thing. It's outside Burbank. It runs like a private jet.

You go to a different whole, like not even a turnable, you don't go through security. There's nothing there, and the plane just meets you on the turnable. There should be a thing at the airport. They just sell every seat. There should be a thing at a regular airport

that if you pay, you can go through all the bullshit, the TSA, and they know you're not a terrorist, that you can just walk in. Because remember back in the day, people used to meet you at the gate. Yeah, it was great. Like your family could just come to the gate. There was no security.

How about the concept that just because five years ago I wasn't a terrorist, when you took my fingerprints of the thing, doesn't mean I haven't been radicalized since. Yeah. I've been now more likely to be a terrorist against TSA. What if I've been radicalized since my last meeting? You know, I have global entry interview coming up pretty soon, so I'm just kidding. Just everyone listening.

I'm never going to change my mind. Remember the guy who shot up the TSA in LAX, and he was only targeting TSA members? No, but I get it. And he would point to the guy, he would shoot a couple of them, and then he goes, are you TSA? And they're like, no, get out of here. Really? Yeah, and then he kept shooting TSA members.

And then he's like, are you like are you say goes here what you think motherfucker okay yeah what you think but yeah got it are you TSA are you a motherfucker trying not to put his watch in the bin so raise your hand up and you're like hey I need a bin for my coat and stuff just stick it in your stuff like can you just get the fucking bin? TSA. TSA will radicalize you. By the way, how about the... I wish we were real funny.

We could actually think of a funny thing for TSA. What, like what it stood for? Yeah. Total shit attitude. Nice. Not bad. As a first try, that's not bad. There's not enough racist words to start with T and S.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had one that I respected. I had one that respected that because you know sometimes they say your name out loud and like why this now here? It's not out of the other places. And I asked one guy like why? That's not anywhere else. He goes because the head here wants more power, so he just decided to make that rule. And I was like, I'll accept that.

Ari Shaffir. Oh, it's really, there's no, I looked up something recently about what TSA does something wrong. And again, the inconsistency of all of this, what I fucking hate. You can't put your jacket and bag in the same bin. Then they'll be like, put your bag on top of your jacket so the jacket doesn't get pulled out by the machine.

Like, what's the difference today? It doesn't make any sense. It's just qualifying jobs. And you can, sometimes you, some TSA are tighter than others, too. Like LaGuardia, I've gone out with. Lighters, I had a knife in my bag. I flew all the way to, I think it was Florida.

And then on the way back, which I thought, they caught me and took everything out and took everything. But that was how we, it. They caught me and took everything out took everything But that was how we said we flew me and Christine flew to Chicago No problems on the way back from Chicago. They flagged Christine's bag for having two butterfly knives To not just one Butterfly knife the gayest knife of the knives The butterfly knife the name butterfly is gay the name butterflies gay the but oh the oh the name butterfly is so

manly Fuck it's over The butterfly is a manly knife Christine bring up the bring up the karate kid to No, you're right. The butterfly is a manly knife. Christine, bring up the Karate Kid 2 fight. You tell me right now, this wasn't everything to you when you were a child. The fact that you have to take it out and flip your wrist like you're dancing is silly.

Yeah, you have to show your homosexuality with your wrist. Hey, boys. Chaching, chaching, chaching. Look at Chosen holding that woman by her throat, that little geisha lady. And you tell me when he flips a knife open, you aren't hyped. It was everything to everybody. Christine, please?

What's the scene? It's a child's death. The final fight of the karate kid, too. There. Daniel versus Chosen. In China? You know this. Christine, I'm not a romantic like Ari.

And then... Do the thing where you go back and forth, like he's beating his chest. Back up. But then Daniel took out a gay drum. First of all, my favorite on this scene is you can see the guy getting ready to make his move. Is that Mehron? Way early. Way early. He's up there trying to swing down the little lanterns. Me and Christine watched this movie this weekend and I will tell you. Is that Mehran? I got it.

That's actually more manly. Mehran with a hand fan is more manly than a butterfly knife. Mehran with a wet gay fan that flips his sweat out on the audience. Look how rapeable Mia, I mean Daniel-san is. Mr. Miyagi. Daniel looks like he's got a full boner Oh, yeah, he's all worked up. He's definitely was gonna get some trim that night before he left They were going home tomorrow Come on

I'll be honest with you in hindsight. He did not do it. Let's rewind that rewind that rewind. He didn't even had a dude even practice with. What a shitty actor. That's a bad Foley. Wait a stop for one second. How did no one see him fucking zipping in? Nobody said he didn't even zip in. He slowly went down until he said, I should be no issue.

He looked like a girl trying to try off of the Navy SEALs. It must be part of the show. I don't know what he's doing. He said behind you after four lamps exploded. Behind you. Before you play again, me and Christine watched the beginning of this movie. It was on cable this weekend.

For those listening at home, cable's like not free television. It's like streaming that they make decisions. It's the same thing as AOL. It's dial-up TV. They make decisions. Yeah, you have no options. They make decisions. It's the same thing as AOL. It's dial-up TV. They make decisions, yeah. You have no options. They make decisions for you, and then you just trust that.

But I laughed out loud again when he started playing with the drum early in the movie, and he goes, what's this? You know, the little drum that comes back and forth? He goes, what's this? And he goes, this secret to Miyagi do karate. I'm like, what? And I was like, wait, why did you never tell me this

when I was training with you before? You just taught me crane kick? I wanted you to wash my cars. But the secret, he uses the secret at the end of the fight and it's just swinging back and forth violently, each hit, and apparently can't be blocked. Also, when Mr. Miyagi also when Mr. Miyagi says Mr. Miyagi says on crane technique because they show the they show a little

recap of part one when part two started and he goes the crane technique goes does it work he goes if do right no can defend like it could always be defended also except what about Miyagi do you can defend except what about Miyagi do Defend it with Miyagi do you know what a great thing if this guy used the crane kick against his stupid drum technique It's just throwing a punch first from either side block left block right block left He goes you never learned how to wax the car Block left because you never learned how to wax the car

You never learned wax on wax off by the way Look how funny it is when he has to try to squeeze this guy's flat Asian nose. That's the funniest part It just slips off. Did he have to pull that meat from his cheeks? Ari knows on this guy Wait, why did not a single fucking yellow guy try to help her? Only the white? Only one white guy tried to help her. Too much. First of all, they're Japanese. We don't call them yellow. No, he's calling them cowards. They're old west yellow. Yeah, Mr. Miyagi didn't help. He's nice. I would have let her die, but nice, bro. You did the right thing. No, you wouldn't have. You would have took her to a Dolly concert. No, I'm saying Miyagi would have.

No, how about this? I'll say, fuck you, man. Try to open up. Whatever. Talk me into opening up. This is the last time I'm ever gonna come onto this podcast. I swear to God. Dude.

Oh, geez. That makes me feel good. How about Daniel LaRusso's mother allowed him to use his college money to follow Mr. Miyagi to Japan because she trusts Mr. Miyagi, who then sits back and watches him in what's supposed to be a fight to the death. Yeah.

It's supposed to be a fight to the death. Go ahead, you got it, bud. You got it. How funny is it though, all this stuff he learned, all this crazy, all the three amazing stuff, and he became a used car salesman, and then he just became just a piece of shit scumbag ripping people off. By the way, and didn't you tell me that the Asian bad guy puts the butterfly knife to this girl's throat is just a nice guy, a reform?

He's just a nice older guy? Oh now, in the new show he's come back, yeah. He's like, hey sorry, I almost slit your girlfriend's throat. With this gay knife. And she pops up, the girl again too, I guess it's all over he goes now we were kids We can do what I'm gonna hold a grudge on that put a knife right throat and almost fought my boyfriend to the death By the way, they trust after that beating and he honks his nose He throws him on the ground and then they just start embracing like

Are you sure he's done? Like he was gonna kill you a minute ago. Yeah, and you think he's down for a second He's gonna stop. He just ago. And you think he's down for a second, he's gonna stop? He just accepts the loss. No, he's cool, he's cool. You think he's the best. He gets it, it's over. He tapped. I fucking bet.

You're right, it's like I'll trust you with this guy who's I guess not molesting you. And you just hang out all the time with his older foreigner. You desperately wanna hang out. Okay. You sleep over there sometimes? You stay there once in a while. He goes, yeah, you know, when I'm a waxing his stuff, look at that.

Look at that homosexual. So it's hacky sack. He's got a butterfly. It's the hacky sack of knives. You guys are out of your mind. Second only to the hummingbird knife. You guys are so wrong. Look at fucking Emma Wilman showing you how to do the technique. Only gymnasts can do the butterfly knife properly with their fucking keys around her neck. Shut

up lady. You guys couldn't be wronger about this. If someone took one of those knives out of me, I'd giggle at them. It was terrible. Bobby? What? No, you wouldn't. I would. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Did I get so good at butterfly knife? Order more wouldn't. I would, I had. Oh really? Yeah. Okay. Dude I'm gonna get so good at butterfly knife. Yeah, shut it. Order more butterfly knives. Christina, order me a yo-yo.

Yeah. Bobby, you don't want a butterfly knife? I do not. Because we're ordering them. I don't want a, well hang on one second. Hold on. Are you getting them? Yeah, we did it before.

They're sitting in a police station in Chicago. Are you gonna get one with like a dragon on it? Well, last time we had a rainbow one. You want the dots. So cool. Not dots, the holes. The holes, yeah, you want that. That's your key right there.

That's the fidget spinner of knives. It is the fidget spinner of knives. Then Bobby, don't worry, dude. We won't get you one, I guess, since we're wearing butterflats, because you don't like these. It's not that cool. Hey, Christine, can you order me those things

that go on the wheels of your car that just shred the other people's tires? Nice don't race me for pinks it's on. Yeah by the way why would you want that guy's car after you chewed the door all up with your fucking weird? Your wheel spikes. I'll just use the fucking starter in the engine I guess. So how much you make it that'd be a funny like a I'll just use the fucking starter in the engine I guess. So how much you make it, that'd be a funny, like a good comedy concept was to be like a side story of that guy, the bad guy from Greece. What, Zitface?

Yeah, Craterface. Craterface, yeah. Shut up, Craterface. And then wasn't also his name actually though or something? Like they called him that. Yeah, they called him that. Craterface. That must have been suck to get that job.

Just a bunch of guys with shitty acne showing up. My name is Crutaface. Crutaface, it's Italian. Crota Fache, it's Italian. Crota Fache, it's not Craterface. Oh, actually on paper I see what you're doing there. Okay. Crota Fache. Crota Fache?

He goes, my name is Crota Fache. Look at it, he goes, oh you know what, yeah. Yeah, I see you saying Craterface. That is my fault. Yeah, I put an H in there. Yeah, if you guys are in Paraguayan, you would read that wrong. That was just an improv in the show, by the way.

Well, what is funny about that is he plays the bad guy, the guy who brings the other hot girl, snags Rizzo from Kenneke. And he's supposed to be this cool guy. And then he does, I'm sure it hit on his one real thing, goes, shut up, crater face. And he's like, come on, man. All right, dude, I know it's a movie,

but I mean, this is an actual issue I have. It's a thing that's going away. You think, wait, I didn't put the craters on for the movie. Yeah. This is who I am as a human. Accutane doesn't exist, Kinnicky. Yeah, I'll take this leather jacket off, but the craters come with me.

That's going to hurt. It's up to Craterface. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, man. Poor Craterface. He looks like one of those Nazis who did knife fighting before they got to power. Wait a second, it says the tragic death of Craterface.

This guy apparently died, and they're still calling him Craterface. The tragic death of Craterface. I bet he was on a six and jump, or a 21 jump street. He seems like he would have been. I've never seen him on anything else after Grease. Well, he cleared up the act and you wouldn't recognize him. I've never missed any project more than 21 Jump Street.

When we did it at Skank Fest, popular festival in Vegas. The only festival left. Yeah, it's, yeah. Look at Christine's happy. Yeah, it was fun. What's this? He's got great hair.

He does have great hair. I envy the hair. Who does he look like? What singer does he look like? Brian? Brian Setzer. No, Brian. No, he looks like John Baldwin.

Brian Baldwin. No, Brian. Jones. Brian Williams. Brian Adams. Looks like Brian Adams. He has creative face too, Brian Adams. He does.

Have creative face. Did you have evidence as a kid? Spotty. Never liked acting. Brian Adams, looks like Brian Adams. He has a creative face too, Brian Adams. He does, have creative face. Did you ever have zits as a kid? Spotty, never like a acne problem. I did and then when I was picking at him, my mom's like, because I grew up in DC at the time, my mom's like, you're gonna look like Mark Rippon.

That looks like Anthony Kumio. Call him Mark Rippon. He looks like John Hennephier. R-Y-P-I-E-N. He also looks like the greatest American hero, William Catt. Yeah, Brian Adams has some crazy stuff. Brian Adams kills it live. Yeah.

Does he really? He was awesome, he was so good. Mark Griffin, look at his face. We saw him. Creator face. Yeah, we saw him and Billy Idol together. Billy Idol stunk so bad. Really?

And Brian Adams killed. So good. Yeah, Billy Idol was terrible live. He does it all like you guys do it. He's all that, it's all microphone to the audience. We, Billy Idol was terrible live. He does it all, like you guys do it. He's all that, it's all microphone to the audience. We'd rather you do it. I wish we could do that as comics. Do marshmellios.

So good. Just marshmellios. So my wife says, you want hot chocolate? And I says, we want marshmellios. Dice did it. Dice did that for a while. Really? I mean, the nursery rhymes.

Yeah, yeah. Like they knew him so well. Balls across the nose. Oh. A guy was telling us that, an Uber we got in, said he picked up Dice Clay the other day, he goes, that guy don't turn it off though, you know? Oh yeah, I do know.

He was doing the thing to him though, he's like, get back to me if I wanted an interview or a picture. It's hilarious. You can't turn it off because you might not be able to turn it back on. He was just an old Jewish guy. Cannot turn it off.

Ari, are you surprised that you're the Joe Rogan guest who didn't have a head in his freezer? Because I think we all were. Well, technically, Jay, my freezer has not been inspected. Yeah, they haven't figured it out yet. You think there's only one? Can be? That's why.

You think Huberman doesn't have a fucking hubris? That's why Ari has to quit comedy every eight months. To get a new freezer. Yeah. It's all about freezer disposal. Yeah, he has to quit long enough for the bodies to dissolve and then dump them in the Amazon River. Yeah, that's why I go to night trips.

Yeah, he had a I go to my trips. Yeah, he had a head. Who was the person's head? I don't know, but he did. The story he told on the show was that some guy, he got out of prison, some guy owed him five grand, went up to him to get it, he had all the jewelry on, and his girlfriend had a bunch of jewelry,

so him and his friends robbed him, and then one of the kids hit him in the head, the guy in the head with a gun, and he went away for 24 years because of that. That was the thing. And he was a success story. I wonder if he'd- He's a youth counselor now. Yeah, he was.

Well, he's not so much anymore. Well, I think he's getting called to the carpet for sure. I think he's gonna definitely have a conversation with HR. He goes, what does that got to do with my work with my job? Day I went in there except that one day I murdered him beheaded But I called out his little Tyreek not coming along in football Is this boy off drugs? Let's not get rid of all the good stuff now

It's somebody that was in the same prison as him that I guess he had beef with. May have had beef with him. May have? I say, you have to beef. That's for sure beef. If he didn't, he does now. Yeah. A head in a freezer in a torso stash in a bin. What a fucking lunatic. But I mean, okay. A torso is hard to get in the fridge. To defend him. Once you do have him dead, you gotta, it's gonna decompose and smell. The freezer is actually the right place for it. But just the head. Why would you separate the head from the... To put it in, yeah, but then he's like, separate, put it in, and he goes, fine, there's no way

this whole thing's gonna fit. It's like when you get groceries home, when you live in Manhattan, and then you're like, fuck, we gotta eat one of these right now, because I cannot fit all this shit. We have to have a Swanson Salisbury steak now. Immediately, yeah. And we're eating ice cream and it's going to be soft. Um, yeah. When people, it's such a funny thing,

like the things that would scare you in a horror movie that some people, a psychopath flocks to. Like their heart is warmed by a head in the freezer. On a much smaller level, I always thought that was interesting It's how you view it like you may feel differently Bobby, too I always think religious statues are so scary and creep I always see it like the end of Carrie where it's like Jesus is looking at you with bright white eyes while there's blood And it's always grim and that makes Mike Vecchione

Feel warm like if he had that above his thing like thing, like a bleeding lamb on top of Jesus, like he would just be like, oh, the Lord's looking over me. Yeah. No, that's what I'm saying. It doesn't hit me the same way. Isn't it amazing that someone can be like, oh, my trophy.

It goes, that was a great day when I cut off that chick's head. And now it's in the freezer. It goes, look at her. Look at her, her eyes are still open. She had no idea it was coming. He took it out and played PlayStation, had her head right there.

Yeah. He just plays online. No, no, no, no, yes. He put the torso in a bin. In a bin. What are these bins available if we wanna get one? Is it a promo code? Yeah, if you buy a bin from Home Depot,

like it's just and how many people can follow that person follow that person home dude they're dissolving a body no one needs bins like that yeah or if you're buying a drum their bodies weren't drums like no one said anything when Jeffrey Downer was moving three drums into his apartment. I'm just no no, I'm just way into Steel Pan. He had a one bed apartment. I can't like Caribbean music. He had a one bed apartment in the projects.

Yeah, I still have. With just one drum. That series made me, I know it's not how it really was, because that series made me laugh so hard, that Jeffrey Dahmer, just the Niecy Nash character that was next door, and she goes, "'It smells like dead bodies. "'I heard a boy screaming, please stop murdering me,'

"'and then the voice stopped. And they're like, shut up, you old black bitch. The cops were just like. And they go, yeah, it smells like bodies, but the guy says he was farting all night. What do you want, lady? There's an Indian family down the hall. Relax.

And they're like, it did smell the same as those Indians when they moved in. Yeah, all right. Jeffrey Dunwoody let him in the house where there was a court where he goes, can we look in your bedroom? He goes, no, no, no, there's something in there I don't want you to see.

And they're like, we'll leave you alone then, sir. My apologies. My favorite freezer, dead freezer story was when that Hasidic Jewish kid, they let him walk to school for the first time. They're like, all right, we're training you, it's your time. And then he got a little turnaround and he asked,

he found another Hasidic Jewish guy and he was like, well, that's who I'll ask. And he found the one monster. Right. Really? And the guy was like, Hey, can you help me? I'm lost. And he was like, Oh, damn it.

Elon pates or something. Yeah. And he brought them back, killed them, whatever. And then they had no idea. There was no motive. It was just like out of the blue. Where'd they find the body in like a tunnel? No.

Nice. I think they had a killer for years. It just just like out of the blue. Where they find the body in like a tunnel. No. I think they had a killer for years. It just came out last year. When the hostages break off, they break off. They break off. Comedy clubs, prostitutes. They break off like a matzah. But then they were just going door to door camera sing and the cops got to that guy's address. Like, Hey, if you've seen anything, he's like, come with me. They just brought him to the freezer.

All right. You got me. And they just brought him to the freezer. Really? Yeah. All right, you got me. OK. What is this? It says that they were longtime friends. The family of the victim says Small and Johnson were longtime friends, and Small was helping Johnson get back on his feet after being released from prison

for his previous crimes. That doesn't sound like a beef at all. But? That sounds like two all beef patties. Special sauce. They came home one day, and that boy drank all my brown liquor. Brown liquor. He wore a wig to do it.

Oh nice. He wore a wig to go kill the guy? To go into the apartment, yeah. What is this, fucking JFK the movie? He did it with a butterfly knife too by the way. I'm just a pretty girl motherfucker. When he's saying he didn't do it, he just had a head in his freezer. Oh, that happens. He did it with a butterfly knife too, but I'm just a pretty girl motherfucker Do with that listen you get these freezers

Or your Look I came this was in my backyard. It smelled terrible. I didn't know what to do with it So I'm like, let me pop it on ice until I figure out next moves. Yeah, I don't even know who this is No, but that's but didn't you say Bobby was a misunderstanding? Why he was in jail? He was trying to murder the other guy, trying not to be murdered, and uh... And he won. Yeah. Misunderstanding. This next segment is brought to you by Metro.

What is not a yada yada? It's a fun way of saying something serious. No BS, which is important during tax season. Metro won't screw you over with surprises tricks secrets gotcha a bullshit Switching to Metro means saying no to compromise Yeah, so the Oscars were on last night you watch them I saw one part of it and then I was talking to a friend of mine about it today and the part there the The fact that they I I look at, I don't care.

You just started 63 different sentences there. Because I wanna be careful with what I say because I respect women and I don't want Christine to get mad at me. I know, the, I, Bitches are getting too much. No, not that. Okay.

They put female, the best female actor award after, after the director. So they used to be female. Is that for sure? 100%. Female, male, female, male, director, movie. That's the way it went. And they switched it up.

They put the male first and female, like okay the female, because the male acting award was always the big award for the actor's part because there was always mainly dudes being the lead. I get it. Now they put the females, put them after the dudes. I don't give a shit. But you don't put them before the director. The director and the movie, it goes the movie, director then the actor Billy Eilish I'm sick of her to whimpering into a goddamn microphone every time

they're like hey Billy Eilish's new song has it go let me guess I don't want to be sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, make me sad, so sad and happy. I don't know what to be doing. Her brother is the talented one, by the way. Her brother is the guy who puts all the shit together. Whisper in his microphone for a few minutes for me. Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P- Go go gaga never yeah, but it's gonna build to a crescendo. Maybe that's awesome. Do you know I mean it's a You know does she have a voice? Can she sing at all or is it just go be good good? Yeah, of course you could sing So I do want to show this to you

But you know comes out I don't know if this is a flub as far as a mistake that he Like he's just reading wrong. I feel like the teleprompter threw him off and when it says we're here to figure out who the The best movie the picture of the year is on his own. I think he just goes well I gotta open the envelope to do that. It's just open the envelope. You could feel in the back that everyone's going to do that. So let's open the envelope. You can feel in the back that everyone's going like, no, no, no, no, no, no. What is he supposed to do? You're supposed to say, you know, give his little speech about best picture and then go and the nominees for best picture are and then they'll go to the sizzle reel for each movie. Oh, they skid. They didn't do the reel. He just read the thing. He doesn't even give the nominees. He just goes, we have to let

me see how good this is impressions before you watch it. He goes We're gonna see goes who the best picture is Well, I got to open the envelope to find that out and he just opens it and it's dead silence. He goes My eyes see Oppenheimer No and everyone's like Oppenheimer's like he's like yeah, Oppenheimer and everyone and Oppenheimer's good something goes like oh There's no build-up no tension. He took he he stole the entire mo even from the people who didn't win don't even get mentioned now I Don't know who lost the best picture. I'm gonna go ruin everything

That's great, man. I love it. This is a major whiff though watch this whiff. It's great I don't think he's lost a moment sleep over it though And then he goes, oh I didn't whatever ten wonderful films in What nominated? But only one will take the award for best picture And I have to go to the envelope for that no no and I will god. Oh god Here it comes. Oh, no

Oh god, and my eyes see Oppenheimer Yes, I hope his rationale is we've been here long enough Yes. I hope his rationale is we've been here long enough. We're already a half hour over. We're over a half hour over. Let me just, Oppenheimer one. Bye. What did we learn today on the show?

I'll tell you what, Billie Eilish doesn't sing. Well, she doesn't sing at all. It's very easy to do. Beep, beep. Excuse me, what'd you say? Bobby, I'm singing my Billie Eilish song. It's very emotional. Tooo something Barbie and the movie programs.

It's very yada yada yada, Jay. Yeah, it is. It's yada yada nonsense. You heard it here first, Billie Eilish. I'm the first one taking a shot at you. But you don't have to take yada yada in life, so don't take yada yada from your wireless provider. Metro by T-Mobile has no contracts, no credit checks, no surprises, and nada yada yada. Stop by one of over 6,000 Metro stores nationwide.

Gotta go, I gotta leave. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? We might be drunk. But they are. They are. I'm gonna be. Are you?

Is that the idea, you're gonna get drunk on the show? I think so. St. Germain's gonna be there, hopefully he's off the wagon. No! God, he's great when he's off the wagon. What's wrong with you? He's so up and down, if you fell off, it'd be an issue. When Dan's off, I'm like, nice, let's go out! No, no, no, no.

No, please don't. Go out! That's so fucking terrible. You're a piece of shit. We gotta do another day drinking bowling adventure. That was so fun. Yeah, that was fun. We were just like, let's go day drinking.

We just walked past the bowling alley and we both looked at each other like, no, no, not that one. When we did it, when we took the picture in Times Square and then we're like, let's just go day drinking bowl. And then we all went bowling. Justin came. Wait, were we trying to bowl? Do we walk?

Do we go twice? No, that one. Yeah. The first time we were just walking and saw bowling alley. That's when I stole the bowling shoes. They are cool. I wore them out. And all the cool blacks, what's the name?

Monroe, Terrick Haynes. I was like, what do you think of these? They're like, it's awful, buddy. It's really awful. I'm like, no, no, it's cool. It's not. I'm like, damn it, if the blacks say. It's definitely right. Ari Shaffir's new podcast, UB Trippin premieres this Monday everybody, March 18th on YouTube

and all audio platforms. UB Trippin Pod on YouTube. Please help them with subscriptions ahead of time. But the bigger thing is. The bigger thing is his new special happening at the Capitol turnaround in Washington DC. Ari's coming home everyone. It's April 26th and 27th now. Get tickets at AriShafeer.com. AriShafeer, we love you buddy.

Thanks guys. Great seeing you. You leaving? I'm leaving. Ah, you stink. We'll be right back everybody. What a jerk. Down one Jew when we come back. Down one Jew.

Take over. So is in Israel. Down one highly romantic Jews So romantic this guy Ari don't forget the flowers you bought for your lady You've been carrying around there because you want to make sure she has them when she gets home. It's not flat It's a hemorrhoid. It's not flowers We'll be right back everybody it's the bonfire

We'll be right back everybody, it's the Bonfire. Hey everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual SiriusXM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to SiriusXM.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to BigJComedy.com and RobertKellyLive.com to check out our stand updates coming to a city near you. Grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple,

grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple, grapple,