The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Salacious Sexting

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

After a flood of emails from Campers about getting caught sexting Jay and Dan have their own stories to tell. Dan and Jay told stories about growing up with their single moms and their relationships with stepdads after relating with the filmmaker of the new documentary “Red Dog”. Christine gets the world’s biggest dong pic from a fan who wants to be more than friends and the crew is very, very impressed.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hey, I'm Big J. Operson. And I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bonfire SXM. Camper's what's up it's King Black Lou and welcome to the Bonfires best of

the week. With a flood of Bonfire Camper emails about getting called sexting, the Bonfire hosts reminisced about the times they got caught and the fallout that ensued. I never got caught because you keep your phone locked and in your pants pocket at all times. This is something that I think is a problem or a conflict now in modern era with camera phones and everyone having like, the way that sex thing has turned into like sending

dirty pictures or whatever. But there's definitely been moments where like years ago, I'm talking about like five years ago, I had nudes of an ex and would like jerk off to him all the time and then we got into a fight or like, she was like, hey, can you delete those for me? And I was like, yeah, I deleted them and then now I'm like, son of a bitch, son of a bitch.

There's so much good stuff that I just deleted because I was being a good guy and then horny me is like, you fool, you're fool. Well, I delete when, uh, when fans, uh, I've said stuff, even like I tend to get rid of them, like pretty quick for the sake of just like, he said if he dies, he doesn't want people to see inside his phone. We don't really talk about it. It's just riddled with filth.

The fans can hack it now. They turned it out. Apple wouldn't let him in. Remember after that mass shooting in California and they were like, no, you can't break into the phone. Now the feds are like, we got in, dude. So they're gonna pop that lock. Let me also say that I should really put this out there because during quarantine, the

fans have been absolutely fantastic to me and a handful that have sent stuff to me and Christine Doolie. I'm not even a handful. Actually, under a handful, but like that have sent some things. But let me ask that Christine's with me because she's also a garbage sexual animal. So feel free to sent along your cockpicks guys to Christine or ladies if you want to send your book, Christine's a fan of pussy. It's been 35 this year, this is here. I own my garbage section, my garbage sexuality instead of being embarrassed by it.

So I'm interested in a pig send me your stuff. Also, Christine will be like, Hey, can I see? And then I'm like, I hate anyone looking at my phone or having my phone. So I'm like, can you just ask them to send it to you also? You all know. phone or having my phone. So I'm like, can you just ask in the sentence, you also. So they're not that I'm going to see it. Is there ever a leave Christine out? Jay, have you ever let Christine order like seamless on your phone

or whatever? Like when you're ordering something off seamless, you know, it's her turn to look at the menu. Do you ever give her your phone? Like you take a look. I know. I, yes, I have, but I fucking hate it. But you feel like at any moment. So'm. Yes, I have, but I fucking hate it. But you feel like at any moment. So that's like, you know, we keep myrtle on a leash like in the living room. So she can't run around through the apartment. It's a long leash. But there's times where like, we'll letter off the leash to come on the couch and hang out. And one time she got excited and jumped off the couch and ran around the house. And I was like, yes, she doesn't realize that

those moments that she could just go fucking buck wild. If she's on the couch, she's running around the house. And that's what I think about those phones, where it's like, Christine holds your phone. And she's like, fuck seamless. I'm just going into the photos. And you'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, fucking back on the couch.

Get back on the couch. We've had mild arguments. This is a good conversation. And by the way, if you don't want to jump into it at all, Christina, we could edit it. We're pre-recording. But like, I think you're fine with this level of it, but it is so funny like Christine's Like I'll show her like I'm like, hey this girl like you know sending pictures. She wants to know she doesn't care if you see she wants

Us both to see her whatever and then she's like what did you say and I'm like She's like well, let me just read the messages like full transparency. I'm like, please, I'll read the message. And she's like, what can I read the message? I'm like, I don't know why I just don't, I don't care if she sees the pictures or whatever, but I don't want to see me go, I was like, so sexy. Please don't make me show you that. Christine, there's no way for in your position. There's no way that you can't come in and think everyone is corny because Jay Definitely you getting to the nudes is is pre-curse by you being like this. Yeah Oh, I'm like me and Jay's like old but baby if you send it to me

Be so like you said so Sad to Like you said so Sad feel Very wordy and good at giving attention. So there's sometimes two words like I've said I've had jade pass word on his phone for years He's never changed it. I don't use it. I don't go in there. Yeah If I go in there, there will a hundred percent be something that will just hurt my feelings like regardless of like what we do and how open and blah blah blah There's gonna be something that just like, you know, and it's also, it's like, I like hearing stories and I like, you know, I like hearing what happens. Not at any moment am I in the mood to hear the stories.

Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't understand it last long at all. Like if I'm like, oh, tell me about the girl. Not any more. I'm not, I'm not never in the girl. You know, I'm not getting like 17 negatives. I'm not, not never in the mood. It's not. I'm on the phone just phone because I'm not saying that I wouldn't get

churned on by like seeing or hearing a conversation of him with another woman and seeing pictures. Not always like there could be a thing where maybe I'm pissed off about something or thinking about something and I'm like, I don't want to see that right now. So it's a weird adjustment here. I said, here's the best way to put it. There's stuff in my phone that will make Christine punch me awake and then conversation be over and squashed in 20 minutes. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Does that make sense? I get it. It's all hyper-emotional stuff. So it's, it's, it can flare up and then in 20 minutes later, it's like, oh yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. Of course, whatever.

We'll come back to you. Can I see a picture again? You can play her up and then 20 minutes later. It's like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course, whatever. Can I see a picture again? This is for Christine for you to have that awareness to not go in his phone even knowing the password. That's a lot of, that's a heavy, heavy temptation. That's a very heavy temptation because I look at it the same way I feel about YouTube comments. Where there'll be times where I'm like,

maybe I want to go peruse a YouTube comment and then what I'll just ear hole me. Where I'll be times where I'm like, maybe I want to go parouze a YouTube comment. And then one will just ear hole me, where I'll be like, I don't stutter. And that's just like, second. It's also, it's like, do I want to spend my time? That guy. Do I want to spend my time like sneaking around to get his phone away, sleeping to go into the bathroom,

to open it up, and hope that he doesn't wake up, to try to find something to like, because I feel like it's not showing transparency on me. What and I know what he's doing. It's like I know he's flirting with other women. I know he's sexting with a woman. So why would I rile myself up? Yeah. The picture getting in my head of waking up when you look over to my left that go. It goes, let me see if anybody called while I was asleep. Where's my phone? I'm just picturing you know the layout of my house,

like, yeah, my room, running on the table. Dukes of Hazard sliding across the calendar, going around the thing. I'm like, Christine, Christine, Christine put it down. What that's not cool In quarantine, I've gotten a little bit more bored myself and a little bit more adventurous myself and in doing things like that myself You go, ah, this is fucking fun and harmless and some nice way to spend some time Yeah, but also it can but also it can fuck your shit up if you hit some stuff you're not prepared for. But the grand scheme of the whole thing is just like you said before. It's just like, but by the way, I mean that if like you or Lewis or DJ

Lou, or anybody was like, if I was like, Hey, look at this picture here or whatever. Or just like, you know, Hey, look at this. You see this crazy website. And then you go, you're grabbing at the phone. I'm like, has that. I was like, I'm just like, I'm going to help you. I'm going to swipe you our way from a picture of my cock. I will never, God knows what. I don't know.

I don't know how far away you are. I think I've held your phone once in our entire party. I remember when I took Jase. It was June 3rd, 98. And I remember the date. No, but we were driving down to Philly. And I think I had to hold it real quick from using it. And you were like, I got it. Oh, yeah, that's a lot of big. I get a lot of that in the car too. Thank God. Now cars have gone to the controls are pretty much on the steering wheel. Yeah, people do that all

time. They go, dude, just tell me what song you want to put. And I'll go shut the fuck up, dude. And just sit there. and I'll be like, shut the fuck up dude and just sit there. Look at my stuff. I remember you let me take your phone, we're sitting at the back table at the old stand and you let me take your phone to go plug it in downstairs and I think it was like, Nate, Louis, a bunch of friends and everybody was like, dude, you just let her take your phone? Yeah. It was one of those things where you just like, if you fight it too hard, you're like, well, what the fuck is in there and you're like

Anyway, but like what the fuck's in there and it's just like obviously honestly not things that are gonna be like We have to break it's nothing like that. It's just like I don't know man It's just like all the stuff you do and look at and by what you're just like no one else This is my personal thing my computer my pocket. You know, it's crazy is Christine brought up something that, I mean, the bonfire was around for it. And Christine was still working at the stand when it happened, but I was hanging out with a waitress, but that work there, I got out of a relationship, started texting with a waitress that worked there. We were flirting. I found out she was dating the bartender, and I'm like, well, then we're good. I'm not not gonna do that. He was a nice guy

I'm not a fucking dickhead and she's like, you're right They break up when they broke up she immediately texted me was like hey, you're still single and we started flirting again He found out we hooked up because she was charging her phone At the bar at the stand and he read he knew her password and he went into her phone and read her whole conversation and then you know, move to that's a dick move on that guy. I know that I was not a fucking, that's a dick. How can you not?

You just don't. You just don't do that, but because also all it did was made him assume that she cheated on him with me, which she didn't, and then he came at me like I was doing that and I have the energy of dude, I'll fuck you up, I don't give a shit. I mean, not like I was doing that. And I have the energy of dude, I'll fuck you up. I don't give a shit. I mean, not like I'm that tough.

It would have been funnier if he would have just kicked the fuck out of me. The funniest thing you just catch up for when you get Captain Morgan's bottle crossed up and then. I'll do it then just drags me down that three-part staircase at the old stand. Or I'm Darren I do voices On your voice

Here's my voice of God He by the way I mean it that whole thing stopped her and I from hanging out because I was like that's way too much drama and we didn't fuck and you know But second of all that guy apologized to me. Yeah, yeah. Like a year, like really cool move was like, dude, I was wrong. I think I fucking read into that too wrong. He's like, you never changed your story.

So I know you're not lying. I also, she told me that you weren't, you know, that that's what happened. And he's like, so I appreciate you, sorry, I was like, dude, it was one of the only times in my life where a thing worked itself out. Where I was like, whoa,

for this guy fucking learned. That's funny. I've stayed in touch with a one of the only times in my life where a thing worked itself out where I was like, whoa, this guy fucking learned. It's funny, I've stayed in touch with a lot of the staff from the stand over here. It's even though, and when you think about things like this, it's like you see people and you're like, oh, they were also like 23, like, 22, and just like young emotions and it's fun now to see, because I was only 26 when I was managing them,

and they were like 21, but I think we felt like my babies. And now seeing everybody get into their 30s, it's been interesting to watch everybody grow up too. Well, you know what's funny is I follow that waitress on, well she's not, waitress now, she's like a writer, but I follow on Twitter and she doesn't follow me back. She doesn't follow me back. I'm like, that's great.

And immediately I'm like, are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Did you go through my phone? I have to. It could obviously just be a raging law, but I say it only because it is genuinely true. But several times through years now, when Christine's had to use my computer whenever for something, I've had her email and her Facebook or something like that up on my thing. And like I genuinely think I could look through

a few hours and be bored out of my gourd and not get upset. But that said, I just always immediately click off of it, almost like, comically, just to be like, I don't look through anybody's shit. I don't want anybody looking much shit. I had to rose, I had a bunch of shit open on my thing and I just x-to-out right away. I remember 2014, I had my ex-girlfriend,

she was my girlfriend at the time. She was using my laptop and I was asleep. And I woke up and it was like, usually in the morning, you have that energy of like, hey, good morning. Like, you want to go get food or whatever? And I was like, hey, what's up? And she's like, hi. And I I was like, hey, what's up? And she's like, hi. And I was like, oh, no, what's up?

And she's like, I just went through your Facebook messages. And I was like, what? And then I was furious. I immediately was like, why the fuck you go through my Facebook messages? Because I wasn't doing anything. I did. There was a hot girl Facebook message to me. And I kept the conversation going on a little longer than I should have.

You know what I mean? Where was like, when are you going to come to San Diego? And I was like, I don't know. Is everything good to do in San Diego? It's like one of the things I can do. You know, I hear it. Like, what can I do? Humiliating.

Humiliating. And then she was mad. She was mad because she was like, you kept the conversation going and I'm like, yeah. I don't Yeah, I Didn't fucking say me I wasn't like we'll see my cock or like show me your teeth. It wasn't Flirt it was kind of flirty in the way of like so it's What's in here? Maybe I think it's one of the best towns in the world if you have the right tour guy and I go

I got a lot of shows but I'm always down for some good recommendations and I just say that one I got. I have to take you to this amazing place for person. By the way the same girlfriend while we're getting picked up for fucking Bonaroo by Nate because we flew into Nashville. I've told this story on the show for sure. She's fucking she's got her phone open and it's a picture of her in this she was living in LA at the time It's a picture of her in this jack dude in a pool together and I'm like who's this guy? And she's like that's my friend So just be shut down or I'm like oh cool now you live in LA and I live in New York and you're hanging out with a guy

That looks like he's a muscle fitness magazine. No, that's cool. I don't even He's Robinson since kids mom. His son's mom. Dude, he came home one day and saw a picture of her. I go on the mantle of her and like a muscle dude. He was like, what? What's that about? She's like, that's my cousin. That's my cousin. That's my cousin. Yeah. A frame picture. Yeah. shirtless cousin. Dude, someone a jack guy following you on any girlfriend is so funny. It's so fun. Remember that video I showed you guys the guy doing the back flips holding the

kettlebells? Like that's what you go to. You go for me to that. Like I had him soft and now I need him. This guy is like my fitness guy. Yeah, really is Patrice. Patrice used to have that joke. It's just like, like don't go dig.

And you know what I mean? Like, it's like, you're like, if you dig a bunch, you're going to find shit. It's going to bump me out. Blackwood, do you think if you went through your wife's phone, you'd find some shit that would piss you off? Not at all. Not at all.

Same here. She could go through by any time. I think particularly your phone and Patrice's phone were probably phones that could piss a bitch off. Not at all. Same here. She could go through by any time. I think particularly your phone and Patrice's phone were probably phones that could piss a bitch off. Camper's what's up. It's black. We're here. Jay and Dan were both moved by the documentary red dog and related with the filmmaker Luke Dicks childhood. They talked about growing up with single moms and the crazy stepdad's in their lives. My mom was all hormone fucked up pregnant with my sister Shauna. Yeah.

Who chased me over nothing. I feel after this. I remember exactly what it was about. She has to be taken to garbage out. And I was like, yeah, my friend John Aiman who perceives me in a few times. I go, yeah, John's leaving in like 10 minutes so I'll just follow him out the back. And I'm like uh, I go, yeah, who John's leaving in like 10 minutes. So I'll just follow

him out the back and, uh, by the way, very rational, great idea. Thank you. She did like an I said now thing. And it was like, I think it was almost like, you know, my personality at the core wasn't necessarily different. You know, I mean, so it was a very like, it just seemed unreasonable, even whatever age I was I was yeah, I was like I just like now like why like John's leaving Like why go up down out back like when John I was walking down and take a death and it was just like a fucking like like I said now and John hauled ass out of the house and my mom chased me into my room with a frying pan like that's crazy out of the house and my mom chased me into my room with a frying pan.

Like that's crazy. Freezy. But she actually had like, issues when she gets pregnant, like hormonally. Oh, well dude, but my mom, I waited in my room listening to music. I had no TV or anything. I listened to my boom box in my room,

and when Joe came home, like Joe came home and saved me, like talked her off the fucking ledge. Joe's the man dude, which is over, yeah, he was just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you know, like talk to her off the fucking ledge. Joe's the man, dude. Which is over, yeah, he was just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah. You need a good stepdad because my mom was like, you know, on the other end of that, my mom was so fucking stressed out that before she met Nick, was right when she was coming out of bankruptcy.

So she was like trying to fight out of bankruptcy from when I was like five to 10. And one time she was like running late and she used to take the bus. She would drive her car to Taco Bell and then she would take the bus to downtown Denver where she worked. So she had to get to the bus by like this certain bus

and she'd have dropped me off at, or I could walk to school. That was when I was walking to school and I was like eight or nine. And dude, my friend Johnny came over and Johnny was downstairs and my mom was like, hey, come upstairs and I dude, you wanna talk came over and Johnny was downstairs and my mom was like, hey, come up stairs And I dude, you want to talk about remembering something crystal clear. I couldn't get the clasp of her necklace on She was like, you know, she's in like her power suit or whatever and she fucking unloaded on me

And when you walk down like, you know, beat the hell out of me and when I go downstairs You see Johnny and Johnny's like, what's up? You're like, I think she's walking school You see Johnny and Johnny's like, what's up? You're like, I think she's just walking school. I got this kid like that brisk, but like he can hear my body fumping on the ground and then get up and you're like, come downstairs and you're like, you ready to go learn? I'm gonna bother you.

But I don't realize what I'm saying, why the reason I'm telling the story is like, my mom was under such an extraordinary amount of pressure of like trying to keep the house, trying to fucking keep her kid. Her ex-husband's doing nothing. And then like I was going up there being like, I don't know how to do it. And she was like, fuck it, I'm doing it.

And I'm like, oh, you're a fucking man here. And now I'm older and I'm like, oh yeah dude, I get frustrated with my hertle when she's trying to poop. It's like she's a dog. And I'm like, come on. And I'm like, whoa, that's a fucking, that's a real play of my mom. My mom, my mom, my mom, I was like, my on. And I'm like, whoa, that's a fucking, that's a replay of my mom. My mom's, my mom, my mom was on edge for sure at time.

And also, was it funny in another parallel? They had to, I do believe I could double check this. But I'm almost certainly, my mom, I think to say a bankruptcy more than once in my lifetime. Yeah, I do. Mom's who claim bankruptcy, bankrupt moms raising bullies. I didn't go through that, but then she, I said it is so funny, like, the few,

like, these fleeting memories of, like, childhood, especially with Joe and Joe Kim, because I was still, like, not, you know, 10. Yeah, well, he caught you. I don't know if I found a go. But, let me say this real quickly, was that, I, you know, I remember, like, the funny and the good of, like,

them laughing the out of the MC Hammer pants to go in, but one, were Joe exacerbated a problem, not by choice. Yeah. Was my, is this almost got me fucking, but my mom did here, again, another like pregnant like lunatic thing.

My mom did here would have fucking, I could have called the cops on her, I think, especially if she made contact. I may have told this before too, but she was telling me to go to my room. It was again, another, like, whatever was, it was crazy. It was hormones. And I'm like, you know, my stepfather's even trying to tell her that it's like, why is she getting so

irate? Yeah. I mean, my, I don't even remember what that argument was about, but it was just like, she was irate and I was like, girl, you're room. And I was just one of those like, why? Like, I'm just for you. I wanted you out of her sight. I'm already, this is, and this is, by the way, just our apartment, you know what I mean? This isn't like, you know, how this is the apartment. And she's like telling me to go to my room

and I'm significantly bigger than my mom at this point. Yeah. And I'm like, why? I don't, for what? Like I'm not doing it. And she starts like, I said, and she starts pushing me. Yeah.

Like not moving me. She's tiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very tiny lady. And she's not moving me at all and do my stepfather starts laughing. Oh, hard. And he goes, and my mom's like, what's the,

what is, what's the fun? He goes, my stepfather said he goes, he looks like an angel, he's an elephant. And he goes, oh, I can't move him, you don't think I can move him, dude. And I go, I start going in my room because I see her grab one of those you ever see like a single stem rose vase? Yes

It's heavy and it's a guy like a baseball bat. Yeah, and I do it. She takes that thing That's the one of things you throw if you throw it a wall that's that's like a plaster wall It's not gonna break the vase. Yeah, it's like, if it's crystal, it's even heavier, but even if it's not, it's fucking thick glass. Which is thick glass. And I mean, she threw that thing, and it was like, it's a time we moved, there was like a fucking like,

like a break in the dry wall. It's from her wing and that thing at me, and it didn't hit me, but man, I think they contact that a bit of, like she would have been crying, probably, no one was able to say afterwards, but yeah, that's, that's how watching up a Joe definitely laughing at her trying to push me because she was so serious did not make the situation better. Joe would, uh, my mom and I would get in the like knockdown drag-out fights when I was a kid, like just screaming at each other. And with Nick around, I felt like I saw the picture. I saw the picture of her holding you down

from an autistic fit on the couch. I saw the picture. I saw the picture of her holding you down from an autistic fit on the couch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just go, it's okay. It's okay. Someone get his jacket. Someone get his trainer jacket. So I'm putting one of his bath books in his mouth. What a bath book in his mouth. Nick, Nick, I need you to draw your warm bath. We're gonna have to drop in the water.

He's freaking out. He, but Nick, my mom and I were like, I was playing sixth grade basketball. I was on the basketball team and I sucked and we had practice, but it was winter and it was dark at like 4 p.m. My mom and I got to an argument before I had to go to practice. There's like 40 minutes before I had to go to practice. And I was like, well, maybe I'll just run away like that. And my mom just goes and like Nick laughs for some reason. Nick's like, all right, like we were both together.

The same way you would laugh if a kid took you off the hook, because I'm running like this off, you know. Can you imagine a little bobble head child with feathered hair being like, I will run away. You're like, some little gay one. I I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure is about the wrong running away. Is it me? Well, I don't know if you pulled this move, but I am a little fucking big alien

head with feathered hair. And I'm like, I'm gonna run away. My mom goes, oh yeah, because Nick laughed. And I remember it was just like, my mom was like, oh, this isn't funny. This isn't funny. It's just she goes to the coat. She goes to the closet. She bought me this like white Colorado avalanche jacket that I never liked but it was my winter jacket that was like The pants if she could throw punches at your fault. Yeah, yeah, I couldn't wouldn't lump me up But she she goes oh you want to run away? And she took the jacket and opened the front door and fucking winged my jacket out the door and she goes, then fucking run away. And I was like, I don't want to run away. And then I was like, can you take me to basketball practice? And I just remember Nick, we went and picked up my

friend Eric Medina. And he was like, what's wrong, dude? Because he doesn't the front. And I was like, I told him I was going to run away. And she told me to run away. And he's like, she ran away to my house. And I was like, I told him I was gonna run away and she told me to run away. And he's like, she ran away to my house and I was like, I don't like your house. Yeah. You did drink too much. You did your basement sucks. I could get an awesome basement. But yeah, but that was like, that was like a funny thing where

you said that's many hours. The wrong way from home, I think they, I mean, I ran away from home. If I didn't announce that I was running away from home, it would have just, soon, I just had to go home. When everybody else had to go home, because they weren't running away from home. I used to realize I was outside in West Philadelphia at night with like a bag of nothing.

I don't know if I grabbed a bag or whatever was like my essentials. And I think I tried to go to my grandmother's house and my grandmother's house. That's all. Dude, my mom would always play the, when I'd go, I try to go to my grandmother's house. My grandmother's house. So, like, that's all. Dude, my mom would always play the, when I'd go, I want to live with dad. My mom would always be like, please, please go live with dad.

Go see how it goes for you. She, I mean, not even like, not in like a fucking, oh, that won't hurt me. In a real way of like, I would like to see the logistics of this. I would like to see how you would live it, how your father would put you in school would be interesting to me. You're kind of like, you know, those kind of like I would like to see the logistics of this. I would like to see how you would live it. How your father would put you in school would be interesting to me. You're kind of like, those kind of like me. I did it enough time. I did it enough times. And my mom is like, pull the card. I respect the fuck out of Terry for pulling it. I respect the fuck

out of your mom for being like, buddy, you want to hear us a crazy about it? You know, it's crazy about it. And don't it should make you have any less respect for my mom and You know again, it was me and her for many years, you know Yeah, I was my grandparents a lot. I mean, I was her only kid and she's in my life every day, you know, but like My mom was I just going with that. Oh, we were talking about a Terry moving my dad's been with that. Yeah. And so my mom was like, yeah, fine, go. And then we got all of my dad.

He had sort of like a, uh, how do you, you know, supposed to say no? You know, I mean, you're that's a thing that's so fun. That's a thing you cannot say no to. If you're a deadbeat dad and you're always a family, you're supposed to appear as if you're fucking thrilled that you finally now have what you've always wanted. But my mom when I was getting down to the wire was definitely like wanting

me not to go. And then my grandmother was like, he said he wants to go. And my grandmother didn't want me to go either, but she was just like, no, like basically my grandmother had the wisdom to be like, let's, let's nip this in the bud. Let's see, let's, let's take this experiment. She was making go for a year. I mean, grandma's as a, you're going to go for a year and see how it goes. And in months, it was going real, real bad. And I called home and my mom was immediately, like, of course, yes. And my grandmother fought her on that a little bit. Now, they ended up letting me come back.

So I said, my grandmother wanted me back too. My grandma was trying to hold firm on like, you should make him. Stay the full year. The answer is I did learn my lesson, at least in that regard. I was like, I never said again, like, I should open up a little bit. I like never. Never again. You know what's interesting about that entire situation of you moving to Canton?

Is the fact that your mom pulled that trigger, your grandma pulled the trigger, your dad let you move in and everything. And it was just to prove a point that you shouldn't live with your dad. That was like how funny of an experiment or they're like, what's the best possible outcome? Is that he does want to live with me?

And we all prove that his mom's much more prepared to take care of him. Cool. I think my stepmom looked at it. It was going to be a year. And she wanted to see if she could rip that up a little bit. She's just going to watch this. She goes, year, I'll have him out in six.

Just stand by. Stand by and watch me. Watch me. Yeah. She was not enjoying my company. Blackloo, did you ever go moving with your dad? I know you fought once, but did you ever pull that on your mom? Not earlier.

She really would. I hung out with him a couple weekends and like fell and hurt myself, so she would really never let that go down. Dude, you come back with an injury to a mom after seeing your dad. She's like, I don't think you fucking live with that guy. I don't know why I want to see. Can we say that that boys in the hood is Black, who's life story.

Oh, dear, I think I've got some meditations. I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, I got some, some, I got some, I got some's got a pretty, he's got a pretty sick, oddly narrow weight bench in the house. He'll cut, he'll cut, he'll cut your hair while you, while you lie to him back in pussy. I, yeah, the smell. That's how I learned that pussy has a smell. Okay. I'm going to go to the movie where he goes, I can smell, I guess it grabbed him off from the church and could just smell the sex. And was like you can smell sex I remember being like seven and seven and a bit you could smell sex. That's pretty cool Yeah, my my mom and whenever I would pull the I'm gonna live with him. I want to live with him Legitimate would just be like how is that gonna work?

Tell me how that's gonna where you're both gonna live with your grandmother You're gonna sleep every night on a pile of couch and. I was like, that's how it's all about. Your dad's big horn flopping around. You know, he sleeps bottomless. Look at the one I got. She just grabs Nick's dick and I'm like, don't do that. It's like this minus like a half an inch. Yeah, because you want to see the next one?

You want to see the 2.0? I'm in stone where I'm from before. Also, I had a school that went from kindergarten to 12th grade. So I am in stone in my neighborhood with my friends. I'm going to a place where no one knows who the fuck I am at all. Dude, I would fantasize about that all the time. Like what if I moved to San Francisco and I was just the coolest kid at my middle school. And then I was like, oh, I wouldn't be. Absolutely. It was going to be me. I was not. I would show up there and they'd be like, where are you from?

They'd be like, what? What are you even talking about? Dude, being a new kid and moving in with your dad. So you're moving to Canton and you're getting adjusted to his life. And then you're going to be friendly. I think we're going to be friendly in the school. Dude, they were so fucking shit. It was so weird. They were just immediately like, fucking. He wasn't trying to be friendly to the school, dude. They were so fucking sh- it was so weird, man.

They were just immediately like, fuck. We wasn't trying to be an outcast. I was like, maybe I can go, you know, I didn't know. It was, by the way, it was the first year of junior high. No, going into it. No, that's kind of good because these people are changing from other schools too. So I'm like, I'm coming in new, but like, one of the new.

And it didn't feel that way, dude. It felt like everybody knew each other. And man, they were just not friendly at all. I didn't make any long term, one. I mean, one long term friend there, Kenny. It's a six foot seven fucking black dude who walked around a G-jacket and carried, he's been back and this is carrying the boombox with him.

That's what I asked. But one of the times I got one of the times I got like a like Hector, I guess is the word a time bullied by a group welcome thing. I'm gonna say man. Can you just kept on walking? It was very weird, but we were like go to each other's house Hang out like all the time friends, but he just like Didn't help Yeah, yeah, and uh I think like when you realize where you grew up and how you grew up,

it makes kind of who you are with all the experiences. And that's why I love this documentary, because I think this guy is, it's kind of what we said in the beginning, where it's like this is like a love letter to the red dog. This isn't like a tear down the red dog that was a place where fucking you know what I mean? It's an it's an it's a it's an I'm yielding look at it. I mean like they don't pony boxes. Well, I do love it's also the people that live to tell the tale because a lot of these people are not you know 70 years old, 50 years later looking back at their lives. Like I love the perspective of the people that made it this far. Do you have a do you have the documentary pulled up? I have the guy, I have the whole thing pulled up. Yeah, because dude, I love, first off, my favorite documentary.

The way, I knew the documentary is gonna be great with the way it started off, where he was like, one of the first memories I have of the red dog is me and nasty Kathy. You know, like all you guys know, someone named nasty Kathy, that's fucking great. Nasty Kathy. That's fucking great Yes, you can't What's up campers. I'm DJ Lou on this week's lost tapes quarantine tapes

Richie Redding is hanging out when the guys discover the biggest dong they've ever seen No shit what a wapper Check it out James the giant dong. Oh, you got to show Richie James and John. Everyone's name on him, Kingcock, but I don't know. Dude, this guy is, I mean. Christine's been frantically writing him long emails. Sonnet.

She keeps deleting them and starting to write again. She doesn't know what to do. She's all confused. She built a whole song book full of 10, so good, of oats, of oats to dong. She built a whole song book full of Oates To wait don't I'm just been banging like that. She goes I think it's gonna start like this. You're big, but you don't hurt I like that. It's called stretch me gently It's it's called all worn out

Yeah, dude. It's called all worn out. I'm not going to get into that. You know, Richie, the dick. Stop hogging the dick, pick and show it to Richie. Yeah. Dude, it'd be funny if she had her hand just appeared and she went, sorry, I don't like it. It's all in my computer. Where's it stack up?

Sorry, my hands are all covered in ladybuggers. Where's the stack up to who? Tommy Lee. Oh, dude, Tommy Lee looks like a child compared to this. Tommy Lee, Tommy looks like he has a drumstick. Yeah, you go cool. Fenty cool thinner. What's up, Stephen King's this guy has and I'll say it again. The most beautiful cock I've ever seen in my life. Holy fuck. He's also handsome. We should show this guy's dick to our guests that we're friends with just to be like by the way

We should show this guy's dick to our guests that we're friends with just to be like by the way Black Lou black Lou call that I was like why aren't you guys talking about his Vainey bottom? He looked at his Vainey bottom. He is he's like he's got fucking No, man, he's got pigs He's the only cock to have pegs on it Yes, if you want to ride your friends around when when you feel the ridge, you know, you've bottomed out. Because am I supposed to feel the ridge? He goes, that's my bad big, my bad big. You're always supposed to get 60%. That's the warning tread.

When your wheels hit the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, an airplane soda. No, that's 12 ounce or bud. Body, that is French bread. Yeah. The guy's

got a baguette of cock. Dude, he really does. Bang, jee, miss you. Just, damn, you want some jam with that loaf, bro? That would be fun if he pulls it out where he's like, oh, me, it's too lazy. You get baguettes and's like, oh, me today's you, you get a baguette? And she goes, oh my God, your dick is the size of a legit baguette. I mean, it's so impressive. So, it's gotta be a nuisance, right? Well, Jacob, what did you, yeah, that's what I was asking.

Jacob, what's the question you asked when we went to break that we yelled at you about? Nah, I was gonna say, would you want, would you want to follow this guy, the be the guy right after him? Not with somebody I'd love but I mean I would want to see what would happen I do I'd be curious to jump in there But I wouldn't think I wouldn't go in there and be like hey, this is the one where I show you who you really showed up

The fuck like I would be doing it like let me see if you feel different now I would probably say look at all the room for activities that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that little little room in here that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that possibility was in England when I was the summer after my sophomore year in college and it was a very generous woman and it was me and this dude who's like six five and his nickname was the goose because he had like a goose neck of a dick that he pulled at it parties. He was about to go first and I looked at him like come on man. It's called batting clean up in the States. I'm gonna need to lean off if you don't mind. I didn't have to say anything. I was getting more look. You know.

Following that and then your dick is like the night stick in the trash can. How they wake up Marines. Get it on. I'm very beautiful.. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get it on me. Get I By the way does it hurt more Talk about catching people sexting if someone's trying to like hide it from you if your chicks trying to hide it from you And then you see it is it even a double dagger if the guys just got a moves hog bigger than yours Absolutely, I don't know. I think the pain is different. I think it's more of, I think discovering the first thing that we're talking about is an anger inducing thing. I think the second one you're talking about completely sucks the hope out of you.

And that's why because then you go, oh my god, when it's you go, here's the things, I'm first you're angry because you're like, I give this girl a motion. I give her love. I try to take care. I do all these things. You know what I mean?

And then when you guys like, what is it? What the fuck could I have done different? And then you look at the cock and you go, nothing. It's a hundred percent because she's leaving me for this guy's cock Soley and that would hurt the worst. Yeah. And then he could toss you What is this guy have it so big? Oh, yeah, you know, you you know I just went into the info on your texts and I'll see you later you want me to pack your bags or I don't know. Just playing wiffleball with the big red bat. Not the boners all day all day you got your yellow fucking thin stick bat, just knocking fucking grounders.

Dude, here's the worst part. If Christine wanted the fuck, if Christine wanted the fuck, like large dick, while I was not here, away from home, she'd have to tell the guy to bring his own condoms. Yeah, but not for you I think they're gonna hurt more than help you Hope you enjoyed this week's best of the bonfire you can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6 a.m. East on Comedy Central Radio Serious XM 95 or on demand on the serious XM app be sure to follow us on all social media at the bonfire at sexm

This has been a Comedy Central podcast Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.