The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Santeria with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

With Big Jay off on a secret gig, Ari Shaffir enters like a wrecking ball and takes a personal phone call on the air. Andrew Dice Clay is on his phone and proceeds to spread Christmas cheer to the gang! Bobby revisits his Cuban vacation with Ari, arguing over things they already argued about while on the trip. Things get heated and voices get raised. They clarify their stories about bathing Gypsies, dangerous ghettos, losing cigars, and Santeria. Bob gives out Pivens while Jay is away. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly Very special guest coming in was it Monday Monday You excited Jacob I love him yeah, he's great You got me in Yeah, I Always mess his name up though Stephen Wilson jr. Yeah, because they always have these three things You know like jr. Jimba jibba

Stephen was he juice it he's actually I found him on Instagram. I find a lot of music on Instagram that are very I Follow this one guy that has a song called. I am I'm square It's very bad, but I can't stop watching him he sings the same song in different places all over the world and he's ridiculously awful but I can't stop and I sing it around the house and it makes Don violently angry I am a square I think it's called look at Christine, are you looking it up? No, it's on Instagram. You know what? Effort? Piven. Out of the gate.

How's that Christine? How do you feel? That feels nice. That's right. Out of the gate you got a piven. I'd oppose for a loo. You are even now you're up a piven. pivot first pivot of the show too by the way your goddamn Right you're good. I think I've only been negative you've never been Yeah, yeah, that's why you don't get pivots because you're always negative. I Just trying to make you know to sound like a real fucking scummy slob. I don't know if I do it, but you kind of You know what I mean, but I'm trying to I'm trying to help you out

Maybe if we give you a pivot out of the gate, we get it going. He's coming in on Monday and he's gonna be singing. We're just trying to figure out if we're gonna be in studio or we're gonna be over there in the other studio. But I'm very excited. I love this music. I love meaningful music.

I am a sappy old man. I love being in the car and just thinking of my dad that I met five times. Yeah. Maybe he's listening to it too. Maybe he'll call me up. I just found out where he lives too and his street. My mother gave me a street.

I'm fucking. For real? Yeah. Isn't that weird? Should I go drive by it with Max? Should we go there? Are you gonna call? No, I'm not gonna call him.

What would I say to him? Hi, Dad. I don't know. You almost just made me cry. It's your boy, Bobby. Oh, God. This is your grandson, Max. No, I'm not doing that. Can you imagine if I did that?

I don't. I wouldn't know how to handle it. Wait, is he in this state? He's in Boston. He's in Massachusetts, yeah. We got a great show today. Jay is not here, unfortunately. It's just sad looking at the chair without him in there with his leg up and his calf out and his fingernails. I never thought I'd say it, I miss him.

I miss the fingernails. But we do have a very special guest coming in. The great Ari Shafir, my travel buddy, my travel brother is coming in. Yes, that's right, He is Jewish. I'm sorry He is a Jew He really is man he is as Jewish as they come But there he is speaking of

Speaking of what a Jew There is these tourists it's not the tourists it's be kill them all Bobby no listen settle down What a Jew. There he is. These tourists. Kill them all Bobby. No listen settle down. Fuck the Christians? Fuck the Muslims. They're not even here. Where's the suicide bombing?

You need a suicide bombing. Clear it out. It's Christmas time. It's not the time for this Christmas comes but once a year Christmas cheer and Christmas beer Christmas comes but once a male Mer kill them all how excited you are. You're so excited. I got a memory of you coming in on ONA a Long time ago. All right, take a breath take a breath

Nobody wants to hear you hyperventilating. Yeah, have a sip of water, relax. Yeah, let's do, hold on, let's turn this crank this, crank this wet, let's do some ASMR. I'll do a little too, ready? I'll do a little too, ready? Anyways Yeah, they had she's got that we've got tell you the Christmas tree lighting is tonight and there was an assassination I was hoping for one. I didn't see any there was assassination today Who's the street South Korean leader? No right across the street

It was the CEO of a huge insurance company of the ones where they do the dancing on the piano. Can you not do that, because that's annoying everybody. Who's that guy? Stop banging on the counter. Who's the guy who does the dancing on the piano? I don't like your energy. You guys know who I'm talking about?

Jerry Lee Lewis. Look at me, look at me. Jerry Lee Lewis. Look at me, look at me. Settle down. In big, he's dancing on the piano. Robert Lozier. Tom Hanks.

No, and there's a store, there's a store right here. FAO Schwartz. FAO Schwartz, the president of FAO Schwartz, Jim Schwartz, Hanks. No, and there's a store. There's a store right here. FAO Schwartz. FAO Schwartz I'm the president of FAO Schwartz Jim Schwartz got killed. No by no Hamas extremists No, who were looking for a stronghold in New York City. No, no, it was a billionaire No a billion dollar insurance company the CEO walking in they knew what door he was going in They knew what a time he was going there, and the guy pulled up behind him, mask, he had a silencer on the gun.

And just shot him and jumped on a city bike. City bike, that's what I did, but there's no docks! There's no docks, they're all blocked off. I rip the thing off and they go, oh, it's okay, we're, now we're going further away. I'm going to Sirius. I feel like I'm dealing with Max right now. Why are you so pumped up?

It's hyper. The guy made the wrong turn. He goes, oh, I don't know. Yeah, because you're supposed to go up top. Who takes an Uber at fucking rush hour during Christmas to the tree. It should to do. What am I gonna do?

Take a bike? This is Rockefeller Center. Jump on the train, you're here in five seconds. No, it's the same amount of time I saw it. It is not the same. I got here in three minutes from the West Village. What's it coming from there? Well, you're coming from the East Village,

you could have walked over. There was two trains. Two trains and a 15 minute walk to get there. It's not a 15 minute walk, you take two trains. I looked, Bob. I looked at the difference, 30 minutes, 28 minutes. And I had shit to do. How long did it take you to get here?

Much more. Exactly. Well, I could have gone the wrong way in it take you to get here? Much more. Exactly. Why I could have gone the wrong way in the F, I would have gotten even more. You know what, the trains don't stop. You know who I fucking saw, that guy who assassinated Brian Thompson? And I was gonna be like,

hey, and he goes, I gotta dock this bike. And I'm like, let me dock it. He goes, it's more necessary for me right now. I love when you just do make believe. Yeah. I love when you just do make believe. Black blue it, you just do make believe. Black blue, let's get a new football team. This is it right here, look, they got the video.

Let's go to Notre Dame. This is him right here walking into the hotel. During the tree lighting? No, they didn't light it yet, they're lighting it tonight. We're gonna go over after. It is on. We're going over with the Yarmulkes after. Oh nice.

This is him walking up, he's going into, right there. Boom. Oh. I mean, listen, that's a professional hit. I mean, that's professional. They don't show the full? No, they don't show the full thing. This video does not include graphic images.

That's what they should say. We want the graphic images. This guy, watch, he's walking up. Where are the bodyguards? Where are the bodyguards? No bodyguards. Boom, boom, boom. Nice, nice.

This guy's taking a real chance letting him walk further away. He's just like aiming. He's a professional. Go right up there. He's a professional. He hit somebody at 100 yards with that gun. And he got, he actually, the gun got jammed

and he knew how to unjam the gun. We say clear it. Clear, yes we do. And it's not a silencer, it's a suppressor. Suppressor. Yeah, gun enthusiasts like us. Yes. Yeah, a guy just got whacked.

And they're not even pretending like it was a. Brazen, a brazen target, of course. Yeah. Yeah, that's an obvious one. And I hate that people are like, good, good, he's an insurance guy. You shouldn't be happy that someone got assassinated. That's not the right world we wanna live in.

No, it's Christmas, it's by the tree. By the way, they're not gonna do anything to the insurance companies. No. His wife is not being paid out as we speak. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. She's already like, can I get a claim? She goes, and they're like, you know the deal. Mrs. Thompson, police, of all people, you should know.

You're not gonna see a dime. You're not gonna see a dime. But the guy beneath him is so happy today. You know he got that phone call. Yeah, he goes, wow, where was he walking? Is that his normal route? It was not his normal route. It has to be an inside

because they knew the door he was going in. They knew when he was gonna be there. So somebody who knew him, knew the shit he was gonna do, actually had to tell somebody for this guy to know exactly, who the fuck knows what door you're gonna walk in at what time? Wow. Where's his bodyguard?

He wasn't a billionaire, he was just. No, the company's a billion dollar insurance company. The head of one of the nation's largest health insurance what which one United United That's what I have and then you go to Zoc Doc. Hey, go. Okay. No, we don't take your church. You're on Metro What do you mean? I put it in Zoc Doc. They're all you can't use Zoc Doc anymore Well, how the fuck am I supposed to fire fucking insurance for did you did you snort coke today? Why he's so fucking crazy three different words? This is not this is not my travel buddy

And then I go I go hey if I go down there am I gonna do it no should be fine Like should be fine didn't help me the last two I want to say something look at me look at me You know I'm drunk drain the swamp settle the fuck down. You're freaking me out. Look at me I want I want my travel buddy back. I buddy I gotta want to go back. I don't want to be here anymore Well, you don't like America? Why do you have all these Jimmy Piven flyers? You'll find out. Because if you settle down, you might get a Piven.

Yeah. Christine's got a Piven. Oh, how'd you get a Piven? Because she's- She was assassinated by the head of insurance. No, because she- Jays away. She brought, no, that's not,

I'm not giving these away for free. When Jays away, the Piven will play. She earned the Piven. She actually, I mentioned something and it was on the screen in two seconds. Really? Two seconds. Fecal. Two seconds. Um.

Um. Um. Um. Um. You are obsessed, Mr. Schevier. You really are. What's wrong with you, dude? It is funny to me that you are a totally different guy.

Traveling. Like when you come back to the city, like podcast, comedy, stand-up Ari, totally different guy than I was with for seven days in Cuba. You in Cuba are a, you're a totally calm. Yeah, here there's no Pike Dogs. There it's like, it's just a hurricane.

Yeah. These things happen. Well people who don't, this is it right here. Oh there, there's a bomb on stage. I wanna go over this people who don't, this is it right here. Oh, there you are. There's a bomb on stage. I wanna go over this with you. Really, this is real quick. You came to me, I think two years ago.

Two years ago. And you said to me. I was in COVID lockdown. I had COVID in Lakeland, Florida. And this guy let me use his condo. It was a lovely time for my first COVID. I walked around the golf course at sunset, watched some Herons.

Anyway, I was planning my trip. And back to you, Bob. You called me up and said, let's go to Cuba. And I said, I have a family. You said when? I go like eight, eight, eight and a half days from now? Eight and a half days. And I was like, I can't do that.

I have responsibilities. You expressed desire to go though. You're like, fuck. I would like to. But the only thing you have is a record collection and some incense. I have a son and a wife. Wish I had incense.

What, you got some incense? God, I need some incense. I have a son and a wife. I wish I had incense. What, you got some incense? God, I need some incense. And I was like, dude, I can't, I can't just pick up, I can't just go to dawn. Hey, I'm going to Cuba next week. Yeah. With Ari. Yeah, well, you could have, if it was the dawn of a new era. I'll take that back. Five second rule. Drop, you gotta drop.

I was almost gonna give you a pivot for that, but then you know what? Your confidence, your lack of confidence made me take it back. I got nothing. I got nothing. I should have got a hanker chair. You should have fucking stuck to it. Glad Jay's gone.

Yeah, you called me. That's not nice. I wish Jay was here, you asshole. That's his girlfriend right here. She lives with him. She tells him everything. Keep it cool. Does Jay take showers with his shirt on?

No, he doesn't. He, he. But he does shower in the dark. He showers, he showers in the dark. Yeah, shirt off, dark. He showers completely in the dark. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. He actually came to my house and in my new shower, I have this light that changes to like green, blues, reds. No, it changed to black. And you can dim it. He was like, I want this light because I wouldn't have to shower in the dark. He can shower in a dim red light, which would be fantastic.

Or he could just turn the light on. This is the first time the lights have been on in the studio. I can actually read the reads. No, you called me up, you said, I'm going to Cuba. I said, I can't do it. And I said, did I ask you to wait? I did. No.

What happened? No, I said, you're like, I would love to go. I can't. And then I was like, all right, let me try to go. And then it was a little bit of like, how do you get to Cuba? Like, is there paperwork you gotta fill out? And I was like, you know what? Mixed with, I gotta figure out how to do it,

and I'd like to go with you. I thought that was Lou. I was like, he's not bombing, he's telling a story. It's Dice, I don't know if I can talk to him. Please, not to you. Dice is calling. Should I tell him? 100%, pick it up.

Andrew, I'm sorry, I'm on the bonfire with Bobby Kelly, so you can either talk or not, but I'm gonna. We're live, we're live. We're here, we're live. We're live, Dice, how you doing? Now, all I was gonna say, first of all, I think this is our first phone call ever. Yeah, it's been 20 years.

Yeah. Now you're hitting the levels. You deserve the calls. Oh, thank you. Now you're doing it, dog. That's it. So say hello to Bobby Kelly for me. Hey, Dice, how you doing? Hey, did I hit a level?

Yeah, always You've been there I just got that one on a TV show You know like you were You know, the cover of Med Magazine screwed up, you know, you were doing great with that. Thank you, man. Thank you so much. So you're doing your podcast right now? It's a radio show. I'm sitting in for Big Jay.

We're on Sirius right now. Oh, okay. All right. We're live. So am I going through the speakers? Yeah, you are. Yeah, you're going right through the speakers, into the microphone, out through the speakers.

Why don't you come on the bonfire one time with me and Big Jay? I would love to. Oh, great. All right. I'll get in touch with your people. I'll have my people too. Eleanor? Yeah.

Who's his people? It took Tony 11 years. Tony Hinchcliffe? Yeah, to get me on his thing. He finally got a t-shirt. Tony got a nice shirt. I got it. No, but I mean to do the Kill Tony,

because I thought it was about murder, and it wasn't. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I had a. He just never understood it. We were talking about great tour names. Lewis Gomez has a tour name called the Please Bring Five People Tour. And then I realized, never understood it. I, we were talking about great tour names. Lewis Gomez has a tour name called the bring, please bring five people tour. And then I realized how it just saw, I saw damn Adonia, weren't it the Andrew S Clay SMD tour.

I was like, what's that? That was the original tour. The, uh, this suck my dick. My dick summer tour. It's only in the summer. Don't you know that? Gets too ripe in the winter.

And you know what? You know, like we talk about, you know, with the, you know, what you're not supposed, what you can't. Back then, it was so free to just say whatever. Yeah. And that's why a t-shirt could say S M D and people go, yeah, I'm going to the guy's suck my dicks on the tour. And nobody was going, Oh my God, how could we say that?

I think you can bring it back now, dude. Yeah. You can bring it now. People, you know, people could buy the T-shirt off the, what is it? Internet. The andrewdiceclay.com thing, site. I tell you what, I have a Dice T-shirt. I got, when I saw you at the Riviera,

I actually got my T-shirt and I still got it, one of my favorite T-shirts, the Dice shirt. All right, all right, well. But you didn't get it off the site. No, I gotshirt and I still got it. One of my favorite t-shirts, the Dye shirt. All right, all right, well. But you didn't get it off the site. No, I got it, I paid for it. You made, Elenorm made me pay for it. Do you have the Dave the Laugh the Dye t-shirt? No, I would love that.

Do you have some of those? It's on the site. It's on the site. Do you have, who's got the SMD shirt? That's on the site. I don't got that. I'll get that. Then there's the Big Shot sweatshirt. The Big Shot is what you need right now.

I'll get that. I'll get that. And it says, you know, like ADC estimated 1988, right? Establish. Oh, we're... Oh, Establish. Jingle balls. Isn't that the same thing? Doesn't that mean the same thing? Establish and estimate. Oh Oh, you're looking at me? Yeah. We're looking at your side right now. Christine Piven. Yeah, the Hanukkah Ottoman.

No, the ornament. It's an ornament. It's not an ottoman. It's an ottoman. It's on a couch. You know what? Oh, the ornament. That's actually it.

Oh, ornament. That's a good idea. You should have a Hanukkah ottoman. It would be great. Let's see. You can sit around. No, no, no. My mother was half Italian.

Bobby, shut up. Jesus Christ, guys. Get set around. My mother was half Italian. Bobby, shut up. Jesus Christ. Dice. My father was Jewish. You don't know the situation. My friend. I do. I know all about you, dude.

I'm going to fan for a long time. You would say it. All right. You're half Italian. You have Jewish. A pepper G know the pepper G know. You understand? Yeah. You even know what that means. I don't know. Yeah, it's me one extra peppers on your Italian sub

No, it means wooden spoon Like you're about to get beaten with one you can hit me with a wooden spoon Yeah, it's got whatever you know Showers of it's got a lot of things my sugar plum design the whole thing with some guys And we gave it the Elvis look because of how Obviously gorgeous I am I would love to see you playing Santa Claus and just spending 45 to 55 minutes in each household Like yeah, great

45 to 55 minutes in each household. It's like, ah, you're great. Well, you know, I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, and I have to read this to you because, so the other night, I can't say the name or anything. Obama. I see, a friend of mine, I thought he put up a thing, you know, for Santa Claus, alright? Are we, like, on the podcast thing, or are we...

Radio. It's a radio show. It's serious. No, but are we, is it serious? Yes, serious. Serious. Same member of... So I could use language, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can say whatever you want, yes. So, he posted, I thought he posted, a to Santa Claus where, you know, Santa's asking, well, you know, are you nice? He's right. Nice. And all these little things Santa Claus needs to know about because, you know, depending on who he was is and how he acted, you know, you get a gift did not understand? Yeah,

we get it. So I want you to hear what my comment was. Okay, so we could use a little language. Yeah, go ahead. So I write to him. The comment was, see, this is what bothers me. I don't want somebody that's been nice. I imagine Santa doesn't either. Why, why would, why would you have a diamond bracelet? Why would he give you a diamond bracelet or necklace for somebody that's been so nice. That's just bad business. I know that, you know, I'm trying to see the little red. I know that if I was flying around the world all night on a sled in the freezing cold with a bunch of reindeer, when I come down the fucking chimney with my big fat belly

carrying that big fucking heavy bag over my shoulder, I want to see a nice big fat ass with a red thong up it staring right in my fucking direction right at the chimney you understand when her big fat kids are in the matching bra and I bra hanging down my friend right this this bracelet you want this bracelet Santa says you want this watch on the other wrist because Santa got his stucco stick ready to ready to what's where's the then is Santa is getting ready to tear them fat liquid lips apart lady jingle balls jingle balls you know, uh uh, I'm gonna shoot my mousse juice all over that big fat fucking ass of yours

and then you get the bracelet, You understand what I'm saying? I don't want to see anything other than those big fucking pick-tips and that fat ass where you get nothing. So don't ever, ever say to me again, get your nice. I'm not looking for nice. It's fucking freezing out, you dumb girl. That's his line. Here's the punch line in the whole thing guys. So my friend calls me up and he goes, are you just completely out of your mind? I think you are. I go, why, why? You didn't think it was funny and he goes you know that to my wife tiny writings why he goes it's her sight and to know is from my daughter who's nine years old.

Oh, well, how do I know she's using your name? Well, she's still going to learn the lesson. Oh, God. But I couldn't help it. And he couldn't help but laugh either, you know, because I'm going, oh, my God. He goes, no, I took it down. I got rid of it right away. You know, and I said so did I But I had to keep it. I knew it would come in handy like today. There you go

I just can't tell you who it is You know, I mean, one time I bought her a bathing suit. So what? I felt that that's what she would look good in. No. What? It was her birthday. No, you can't buy a married woman a bathing suit. Well, he didn't.

And I saw it first. So I said, I see her in this. You know? So I let him put up the money for the thing that they wrap around the sarong thing. You know? Yeah. Yeah. But I paid for the bathing suit because it was like, you know, $350, but I knew what

she'd look like in it. You know what I mean? Don't forbid she ever sent me a picture. She doesn't? Thankless. No, that's crazy. Thankless. That's wild. You know what I mean? Don't forbid she ever sent me a picture. She does it?

Thankless. That's crazy. Thankless. That's wild. But he's like a cousin of mine, so you know, it's blood. Yeah, that makes a difference. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So, no, but you know, Ari. Now I nearly totally forgot. I want to do the, what's the name of your podcast? You be trippin? Iceplug? Yes, but I think we should do it with Eleanor because the trip I would talk about is going to Australia when we toured Australia. 100% let's do that Dice.

We're on air. I got to talk to you about this later. This is planning stuff. No, but when are we gonna talk about it? As soon as I'm out of here One to hang up so bad it was so funny, but so funny, but I'd be fucked for another 20 years. I just got out of the dog house from 20 years ago. You can't hang up.

Look, he called me at two in the morning one night. Eleanor called me and said, Dice wants to talk to you. Two hours. I just sat there and listened to him talk and you can't. He used to call us on Ambien as other characters. What? Just late at night. Oh yeah, just Ambien out.

He goes, this is Tony. Like, who's Tony? He's like, shut up, get the goods. And you just have to, like, hear him talking this character for a while. Mike Black took it the worst. Wow, listen, I have a friend that... You know, the judge would call us randomly, just dice as a judge.

I have a friend that does chip when he comes over my house, so I know what it's like to have some fucking, one of your friends lose his mind. I think autism would be what makes him the worst. Well here's the thing, when we went to, what are you looking at? There's no what he's sending, I mean you can't pass up a giant note

and have me not look at it. It's a fucking radio show, just chill out. I'm telling you right now, I was panicking. First of all, let's just get to this part that I never talked about. You actually said, I took care of the hotel, the Casa. I took care of where we're gonna stay and think of- No, I got that, I told you, it was in your sent messages.

I found it in your sent messages. I told you to look for it in your sent messages. All the Casa stuff was there, right in your sent messages, your outbox. But you sent me Casas in the ghetto. No, no, no, I said check your outbox. No, no, no, you're not, of course, that one, sure. I'm saying, if you look at his outbox, all the messages I sent to him check your outbox. No, no, no, you're not, of course, that one, sure. I'm saying, if you look at his outbox,

all the messages I sent to him in his outbox were the ones I found. You found ones in the ghetto. But then in your outbox, that's where I found the ones, and I put them in your outbox to me, addressed to me from you, I put them there. I brought this up to Christina J, and they were like, you can't stay there.

You have to stay in a nice place. You should stay, and look, this is you. And look, I know traveling with you, it's going to be dangerous. This is why I went with you. I didn't go with somebody who's just gonna stay in the hotel and not do anything. I knew you were gonna wanna go to weird places

and take me to the edge of excitement and danger. I knew that going in. You had your fucking baby goats on the side of the road. I know, I knew all that going into this. But then you were like, I don't wanna stay in the tour. I don't want this. I didn't do it like that. I didn't do it like that.

I go, well, we shouldn't be in the super touristy part of town. No, you actually. And then you're like, why don't we show them? And I go, yeah, okay. No, you did not. That is a lie. That's a good idea. You're lying.

Actually, you know what, Bob? Check her out box. I think you'll see some great choices in your out box. It is a lie. It is a lie. You went, don't want to be around where everybody is I don't want to be about a bunch of fat tourists. Yeah, that's what you said It turns out we didn't want to be they kept bothering us. You got scared every time so he's like boss a boss a boss Hey guys, I'm doing impressions you better who can guess who it is ready?

Bobby yeah, Bobby, you're right. You got it. Oh, like, sorry, did you have a guest too? It sounded like a Luis J. Gomez impression. Thank you. It was Bobby. It sounded like Luis J. Gomez. Well, you're wrong. Yelling at guest digital employees. Jacob was right.

Ehh, ehh! We got another week, five days a week! We need merch! We should have a temperature for R, for E, for G, and for Zs. No, it's not, you just didn't want to be around where people are touristy. The tour, too touristy.

I just wanted to go to some regular local places and just kind of like chill out, get some of those. You wanted to stay with the locals, which is nuts. It's nuts where you wanted to stay. That's where I wanted to stay. Yeah, you wanted to stay. No, it's not even, you're not even lying. Describe what we're looking at.

I'll tell you right now. No, we never even got there. What's the part of town you wanted to stay. No, it's not even, you're not even lying. Describe what we're looking at. I'll tell you right now. No, we never even got there. What's the part of town you wanted to stay in? Over by the water, you wanted to be by the water. No, no, the water, the whole thing, it's an island by the water. No, we were. What the fuck, is that to narrow it down?

Because Havana. The water. Havana is in downtown. We were by the water. We weren't in near the water, you wanted to stay on the water. No, buddy. Can I ask something like this? You want to stay in Vasario. Yeah, where is it?

Valdignales. When you're talking about Cuba. Yeah. Nice, bro. Nice pronunzo on that. Nice pronunzo on that. Thank you. You just got a pivin.

You just got a pivin. Is there really such a thing as the touristy part? Yes. I mean, you're not getting that many people in, are you? Oh, yes, so many. Really? Oh, it's just American tourists. Yeah, it's that many people in, are you? Oh, yeah, so many. Really? Oh, it's just American tourists don't go. Yeah, you can't, yeah.

Everybody else goes. It's a lot of Germans, a lot of Europeans, a lot of, there's a lot of people over there. But you didn't want to stay in the touristy part. I came in here, they were like, listen, you can't stay there, you can't stay in the, and then Don, Vista del Mar. You wanted to say Vista del Mar, which is crazy.

It's not near anything. Yeah, that's the problem. It was too remote. It was too remote and in the ghetto. And we couldn't get, nah. And I found a place on the perfect street. Did I not find the best place ever? It was great. It was perfect. It was on a street that had no traffic.

It had cobblestones, historical section of Havana. I actually lied to you. I'm going to admit this now. I lied to you. What? Because admit this now, I lied to you. Because you were like, I don't stay in Havana. And I was like, it's not in Havana. Havana's across the, I said, Havana's. Havana, Havana Viejo. I said, it's in a different part.

And I was like, really? It looks like Havana Viejo. And I lied to you and you believed it. But it was definitely downtown Havana. But that place was amazing, right? Yeah, oh, we thought about staying across with it. Yep, anyway, we had a great time regardless. So it doesn't matter who lied to who.

Well, here's the thing. Yeah. Is that you said to me, I'll take care of this, I'll book that, I'll pay for this, you're gonna take care of the flights. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right. Bobby, did I take care of everything?

No, you didn't. I did. You did not. I delegated. My lack of effort made you step up. I handled that. The morning. I did that. No, you didn't. My lack of effort made Dawn chip in

because she got worried, which was my plan all along. No. Forced the people who can do the work to do the work. This is what you did with the flights. I am the house of delegates. This is what you did with the flights. What?

You remember this, do you pothead? I do remember it, Bobby. I'm trying to deflect. I know I'm actually calling you. Why don't you call you a pothead? Can we just keep staying character? Don't get sensitive. The day Sunday we're in Miami doing a show that pays for the whole trip.

I get a thing from Delta time to check in. These talking Delta folks, man. First they got Tyler Fisher, now they got us. He booked us on the wrong day to fly to Cuba. The same day we flew to Miami. We were in first class going to Cuba. He booked us the same day when we went to Miami on Sunday. What's with the attitude today?

I just don't. You're coming at me harsh. I'm sorry. You don't put me in a place of joining in. You put me in a defensive. I apologize. We came in hot today. Yeah, but not against you. You're my friend me harsh. It's like you don't put me in a place of joining in. You put me in a defensive. I apologize. Well, you came in hot today. Yeah, but not against you.

You're my friend. I would never do that to you. I'm sorry, you're right. But it did frustrate me. I feel like I should get something in return. Yo! Pivot! That's a sympathy pivot.

Wes Nyack, he's got the new glasses on like yours. Sorry, it's kind of a big deal. It's a big deal. When you get a pivot. He felt good. Wes Nyack, he's got the new glasses on like yours. Kari, it's kind of a big deal. It's a big deal. When you get a piv. He felt good. West Nyack, Levity Live, in fact, there will be no Levity that day. So here's the thing with you though,

and you gotta commend me because I freak out. On travel, you know I go to- This was very good what you did. I go to the airport two hours early. So long, we went to Copenhagen, we did a comedy festival in Copenhagen, and Bobby's like, hey, where are ya? I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, I'm here at the lounge, where are ya?

How close are ya? I'm like, I haven't even started packing yet. Yeah, it's like an hour and a half to the flight. Two and a half hours, and you're like, no, I get here at three, I'm like, oh, bro, I'm not even feeling rushed yet. Yeah, you showed up at the flight with 15 minutes left. Great. Yeah, I don't do that, that freaks me out. No waste of time. showed up at the flight with 15 minutes left. Great.

Yeah, I don't do that. That freaks me out. No waste of time. I am at the flight. I'd rather be in the lounge relaxing. It turns out I missed a flight. Yeah, I do. Are you not a...

Once. And you know why I missed that flight? Because I stopped at Pizza Hut to get a pizza. I made it, then I was like, what, you closed the gate? Like, a 15 minutes, I'm like, ah, fuck. It stresses me out so bad. It freaks me out.

You do, buddy, you live on the edge. I don't wanna live on the edge like that. But I did- You don't use the lounge? What? Do you use the lounge? Yeah, for 10 minutes. No, it was back then, I don't, for 10 minutes I don't use the lounge.

You gotta go out of the way to go, I wanna get there. I wanna see, when I check a bag, I wanna see the lady checking me in, look at her watch and go, okay. But you gotta- That's how close I wanna be. Listen, this is the thing though,

that day when you said, when I said, hey bro, you that's how close I want to be listen This is the thing though that day when you said when I said hey, bro, you fuck you fucked up I didn't do that No impression guys It's still Lewis Christine As the Lewis That's bullshit. That is bullshit. We got a caller? No, we don't have a caller. Listen to me. Hey, caller, I have a question for you. See if you can tell who this impression is. Okay, it's me talking, I'm talking to someone on the phone. And then I'm like, all right, I'll take care of it.

And they're like. No, you're not supposed to talk to me. Yeah, listen. Any ideas? Were they hung up? They didn't want to say it? Listen, I handled myself perfectly. I went into this going, I am not gonna flip out. You didn't.

Ari is a crazy person when he does travel stuff. I went into this going, I am not gonna flip out. You didn't. Ari is a crazy person when he does travel stuff. I'm gonna go with the flow. Yeah. Right? And I did. You did, you're like, whatever, like, I swapped us, we're good.

You swapped us, not first class. No, it was an hour flight. Okay, okay. But we got on the flight. Yeah. We got to the thing. We got to the castle, we were all happy, it was amazing when we got there. It was, still feel like you're coming at me.

No, I'm not coming at you, I'm not. I'm not, I tell you right now, we put our bags down and we just went walking. Can I be honest with you? Immediately, it was great. Terrified, I was terrified the whole time. Yeah, you gotta be, your first time in a new country, you gotta be worried people are gonna scam you, getcha,

and they did. It was not even that. All This and More is covered in You Be Trippin' out December 16th, this episode will be out. This week will be some Afghani media mogul, and then the week after that, Robert Kelly. But the thing was is that you just go, dude. I just go.

You don't even, like, What are they gonna do, kill me? My life's worth nothing. Yeah, mine is. Oh yeah. I have a son I have a I have my life insurance I don't have insurance smart don't incentivize max to take care of it Chris cross keeps telling me Chris cross Chris cross me goes you solve my problem. I solve yours I'm like I don't have a problem all these kids kept coming up to me

And I was like should I I'm gonna give him a couple he goes don't give him anything Don't give them anything. They'll swarm, you know that now. They'll swarm. But that wasn't it, you were like, you're gonna incentivize them not to, you're gonna incentivize them to be bums their whole life. To not go to school.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty sure they might need some food and water. No. To make it to school. Yeah. But yeah, we were there, we took off the first day, we were in the hood, like immediately.

I'm trying to remember the first day. First day, we had the guy take us in the cigar lounge, and then the lady took us to Voodoo. What a fucking bomb. When you say cigar lounge, is it like here or? No, this one was, but it was more like a bar slash factory. We just kind of. No, the first one we went to.

The H. Upman? No, the nice one. went to a Chapman the no There's like a little mall they have like not my vibe was my vibe was like let's move on Yeah, I know your vibe is I got robbed. Yes isn't the Santeria apartment? Yeah, then we went to the center here, which was my vibe We actually went to one of the nicest cigar lounges I've ever been to you can get cappuccinos. You can get food It is is beautiful. They have every cigar there, but we didn't do that. I'm not gonna take the first thing presented to me, I'm like, alright, let's put a pin in that, I'm gonna put a pin in it, guy.

I hate it when you say that. Let's put a pin in that. You kept saying put a pin in it. We gotta come right back, put a pin in that. I'm sitting there, I walked into the cigar lounge, the nicest Cuban cigars ever, the vibe was great, and I'm like, this guy's like, nah, this isn't it, let's just keep walking, and I was like, okay.

We left. It was like a tourist spot, but we did find the one I wanted. Eventually, the H. Upman Place. We did find that. The H. Upman Place was the one that was the vibe. After we- We just had to find it.

After we got robbed of 440 Canadian dollars. All this and more on UB Trippin at 98.113 subscribers. We'd love to get up to 100,000. Speaking of subscribers on YouTube, Bobby Kelly has a new YouTube page where he's home first stand-up It's Robert Kelly live YouTube comm slash at Robert Kelly comedy. So let me ask you a question Yeah, were you scared at all that first day, dude. I'm frightened always you you have to where I go

I'm living in fear constantly. So you were scared that day. Oh yeah. You didn't seem afraid at all. Oh, quite afraid. But I go with the flow. What the fuck is the flow? You get thrown off of a surfboard, you just kind of like roll with it. Listen, a surfboard you land in water,

in Cuba you land dead. Yeah, no, but no violence. It's not that, they'll go to jail. They're just gonna rob us. Just go with the flow, and we did. Yeah. What, nothing happened. Nothing happened, but.

I love when my friends tell me an example of how things can happen when they present to me something that didn't happen. They're always doing that. Rogan's always doing that too. Oh, look what could have happened. Nothing happened. See how close it was?

It didn't happen. This is an example of nothing happening. Well, we did wind up in a guy's house with Voodoo and a motorcycle in a bed. Yeah, it was a fun. Got no crystal ball. And you didn't even, you don't even clock a room. We walk in.

Yeah, that's the place to buy cigars. They confiscated those cigars on the way back and we smoked half of them. They did do a fit. We did smoke half of them. They were garbage. They were great during the, we were like, I don't wanna waste a full cigar

during the hurricane. Let's smoke one of these Santoria cigars. Yeah, it was made out of foot fucking flakes. Yeah, they had a lot of fun. It's on there It was where I look and he's over there negotiating this guy getting ripped off. I ripped off I'm gonna use rip me off for less I look at the corner and I look and there's just a shrine to Satan in the corner I'm waiting for Bobby the man of the group to get me out of there and he's just going like enjoy There's literally a shrunken head in the corner and then there's a curtain that they didn't show you there's something under that and

I immediately started panicking. Yeah. And you're like can you do uh 200 Canadian? I was like no no I just want like two to get us on the way. The guy's like okay I'm not getting I'm like you're literally not getting out of here with less than 10 so let's talk. You wanted two cigars you were gonna buy a box and then it was down to two and then he brought you back up to 10, and then you paid him just to get the fuck. Just to get out of there, really. I was like, here's 140 Canadian, I just wanna leave.

Can you just let me go? I walked out, I left you in there by yourself. I just left. Yeah, we made out a little bit. What? Him and I made out a little bit. The guy? Strong, strong arms, strong lips.

You know what I'm saying, Jacob? You know what I'm talking about. But then we walked, we walked. Buddy, this is all gonna be on the podcast in eight, nine days, 10, 11 days. So you don't wanna talk about Cuba. I mean, we talked about it on this podcast coming up. I know, the podcast is coming up.

Upload your footage. Huh? Upload your footage. It's already uploaded. Oh, great. You know your trip. Look at him. You just, there's another hurricane.

Look at this fucking dime. And another blackout. It's the highest black check I've ever danced with. There's another, yeah, there was an earthquake right after we left. There was a day after we left. Today? No, it wasn't today, was it?

Dude, I decided if I ever get a, what do they call it, an audience? Oh, three weeks. With Donald Trump, I'm gonna ask him to end the embargo. I'm gonna bypass Gaza. I'm gonna, no, no, I know you're expecting me to say end the Gaza-Israel war those gosses need to rape So you got to let them rape that's who they are you got to let him you got to let him cut a baby out

Of a womb Before I rape but this embargo. It's got no place. We got to end that yeah, but the embargo The embargo with them we kind of have to keep it up Cuba yeah, why because Good answer. It's a community. It's a communist country dude. So what we could do we don't have to keep it up. Cuba? Yeah. Why? Because. Good answer. It's a communist country, dude. So what? We don't have to bargain with China.

Huh? We don't have to bargain with China. We kind of do, but some things. Make all our stuff. They're 13 miles off our border, dude. Nah, we're good, let's end it. Yeah, for the cigars? Yes, number one for the cigars. For sure.

The sugar plantain, oh, I went for a Hugo de Cagna. I was like, oh, they got sugar juice here. And she was like, no, we're out of it. When did you go for a, oh yeah. I stopped in for a second, I was like, I saw a sign, and they're like, that's from the 80s. Or we don't have extra sugar cane anymore. My favorite thing was the Cafe Bum Bum.

Oh, I introduce you to those. But when we did the drag show. Condensed milk, shot of espresso, condensed milk at the bottom. It was so good. Oh, Cafe Bombon, you gotta get them. I had like five Cafe Bombons with the drag show. You're fucking, oh, the drag show.

And I thought you were actually singing in Spanish. I was so proud of you. You were just reading off the wall because you was carrying it. You couldn't see the wall. It was directly to his, like you couldn't quite see it. I was over there.

He was like, damn damn you're fucking dead on Yeah, and I was not going like that. I was all yours once which was fantastic We got to correct that no no no no no no no no don't do that. Don't do that. Don't take it. I mean look away It's not even All right, Christine you're back in it's the worst. Your balls and your dick are the worst. It really is. It looks like a step and repeat in front of his penis. It looks like a...

And behind his penis. You know what, it looks like an old reindeer. An older, like, retired reindeer. Yeah, it looks like just a sick reindeer that... It's gross, it's gross. But I only saw it once on the whole trip, which I was fucking so happy about. Because I thought I was gonna see you.

Yeah, you walked into my room at one point. Yeah, I took out. Just naked. I love when you're like doing something and I was like, Bobby, Bobby. And you're like, aw. Just that glance up and like, it's registers, thumbs off.

I did get you into my fun travel game that you loved. I hated it. You loved it. We do a travel game where I- Who does it with Max? I do it with Max. We have We do a travel game where I- He does with Max. I do it with Max. We have to get the other person to say what, and then you go, one nothing.

And I got him into it, and we played it. We got so into it. We were fully like, the problem is, what is a common word? So like, you just say it. No, no, you have to finish a sentence with it. You know the rules. And so you get to the point where somebody's talking

and they're kind of mumbling, and you wanna know what they're saying, but you're saying, but you're like, I won't say anything. And then eventually we just started ignoring each other. If you couldn't hear it, if there's any loud noise, it was like, I'm not gonna ask you to repeat yourself. I'm just done.

Yeah, but you know what you did? Huh? Nice try. It was good. I'm right back in. Dude, I couldn't say that word for like a week and a half if I got back. Every time I was around anybody, I'd be like,

come again. Dude, I got Max, it was so good. Max called and I was like, hey buddy, he loves me, you know? So I was like, hey buddy, how you doing? He's a good guy. I was like, should I tell you what we're doing? And he goes, what? I go, one nothing. He goes, Did he tell you what we're doing? And he goes, what? I go, one nothing. He goes, put my father back on the phone, please. No, he goes, it's an international one nothing. But here's the thing, now we did this trip,

it was terrifying at points. I mean, legitimately, the hurricane came through, it went from a tropical storm to a category one to a two to a three Yeah, and then we lost power. We lost water. We lost water. We had a fat fucking Romanian taking baths with limited water It was fucking crazy with the night of C's dude. They don't fucking care about anybody the night of the hurricane We were out in the little Terraced in the middle and we were just hanging out all of a sudden We didn't know this woman was next to us this gypsy woman comes out comes out

she's been there for two days she's been there for two days she does she comes up with salami just a stick of salami she brought shitting on everything possible oh Romanian salami is great Romanian salami is shit everything in this country is shit there's no good food like have you been out no oh well we're gonna go enjoy ourselves Shit her body was fucking wild because she was fat skinny fat and then skinny again and then fat again She was like I said gypsy on stage in Romania and the crowd clammed up Like I had said the n-word with like seven hard Rs at the end like they were just like what did you just say?

Hey, I was like what just happened here I didn't know it's there but it's the most hated group in Europe the gypsies oh yeah in Spain they'll openly go not allowed yeah she was actually she was actually living in Scotland she was cool living she was are you hate her no I didn't like her taking up all the bath water literally it's like limited water they go you should be okay for a day or two just like take real quick showers. She's fucking Bathing is a brata hot run it again Anyway great trip though. There was a somewhere else. It was a fan. They don't lead us a bonfire tour somewhere

They're not gonna believe they'll never go they'll never go next just let me plan it. They'll never go direct flight is the rule They'll be go. They'll never go. Where would you go next? Just let me plan it. They'll never go. Direct flight is the rule. It'll be a direct flight. Sirius will pay, Jack and Sirius will pay for it. They're never going to go. Why not? Because Christine and Jay are not gonna stay in a hovel. They're not. If it's not a pool, if it's not like.

There'll be a pool of tears. No, they're not gonna go. When it gets to the really fun that we're staying. They're not gonna go. They're not gonna go. None of them are gonna go. You wouldn't go. No. No, they're not gonna go. Wow, well guess what. They're not gonna go. They're not gonna go. None of them are gonna go. You wouldn't go. No.

No, they're not gonna go. Wow, well guess what? It was gonna be the Amalfi Coast. So, you all missed out. We should plan where we're gonna go. Where do you think we should go? Does it have to be dangerous? No.

Cuba wasn't dangerous. Dude, it's not. No, Haiti's dangerous. Okay, I understand what you're saying. DR is more dangerous than Cuba. It's not dangerous, but the danger feeling is always not. No, Haiti's dangerous. Okay, I understand what you're saying. DR is more dangerous than Cuba. It's not dangerous, but the danger feeling is always there. Danger feeling's there. And it's dirty and it looks dangerous.

Every male there looks like they're gonna murder you. They don't smile a lot. How about Zaire? Zaire, are you crazy? Let's go to Nigeria because if you wanna find good weed, Nigerians are the answer. No, I don't smoke weed. How about this, we go to Morocco. Dude, I'm in. You'll go to Nigeria because if you want to find good weed, yeah, I don't smoke weed or the answer How about this we go to Morocco? Dude, I'm in you'll go to Morocco. You're saying no danger I'm gonna mention like you look weird. You can see a monkey paw. Just go like that

Is Morocco dangerous, yeah, oh shit. All right, let's not go there but also looks so beautiful It's it's a chef showing I want to go there bad. Yeah, it's, oh, Chef Shalin, I wanna go to their bed. That looks beautiful. Look at that blue town. I would do that. Let's do that. We'll go to Lamb Alley. You ever hear of Lamb Alley?

Where they slaughter the lambs? No, it's just this alley where they have lamb and they have just lamb that you can eat lamb all day. Lamb Alley? Yeah, they have Lamb Alley. It's better than my moons, no rats. No. Yeah, Metzger told me once, he goes, don't go to my moons, there's rats coming out all the time.

I'm like, Metzger, I'm gonna keep going. Did you know that actually this place, Morocco, and that was where Hollywood was back in the day? That was like the second Hollywood, they used to film all the movies. Is that Casablanca? Casablanca, they filmed all the movies, they have a big studio out there,

they used to film all kinds of stuff. Let's smoke a cigar in the studio. What's that? Let's smoke a cigar in the studio. I brought you a cigar. Let's smoke one in the studio. Why did you not check your cigars on the way back? I didn't check anything.

Yeah, that's for you. I didn't check, no buddy. Yeah, I gave you Monte Cristo number two. Wow. Yeah, that was great. We went to the Hotel National. No, I didn't check anything. I know, you should've just checked your bag.

Well, I didn't realize until later that when he was like, check anything, I'm like, not just this. And he goes, okay, that means you have it on you. Right. I should've been like, yeah, I checked your bag. Well, I didn't realize until later that when he was like checking, I was like, not just this, and he goes, okay, that means you have it on you. Right. I should've been like, yeah, I got a bag. Yeah. No, you shouldn't have said that.

You should've just checked your bag. Just check it. They don't care. Just check it. And when they go, do you have anything? You go, no. And they go, okay, go. Yeah, you actually took cigars and stuff.

No, but if they were searching it, they go, okay, get your bag and go into the customs. Yeah, but they're just gonna take your stuff. You're not gonna go to jail for four. The thing is too, I wouldn't go to jail for garlands. The thing is too, I should've just said, these aren't Cuban. That's what I told you.

I know, you didn't explain it. You have no band. I have no bandwidth. I told you. For new information. You have no bands on them, just tell them you're in Nicaragua, that's it. That's why I brought a tatuaje with me.

I put it in the bag with my Cubans. So if they did open it, I'd be like, they're in Nicaragua, what are it. That's why I brought a tatuaje with me. I put it in the bag with my Cubans, so if they did open it, I'd be like, they're Nicaragua, what are they gonna do, a DNA test on tobacco? I got all my Cubans back though. Yeah, I know this, fantastic. Nice, buddy. He's a number two.

So you checked yours, that's why? Yeah, but he was also expecting him to have opened his bag and go, they're all gone. It was a 50-50 shot, we really didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know, but I knew I'd have a better chance if I checked the cigars than just throw it. And the guy was like, do you have anything? He's like, yeah.

I was like, just these. Yeah, he's like. He goes, okay, go check more. I'm like, no, no, just these, I said. Yeah, you actually told me you had cigars. But the. No, he was like, all right, going for secondary screening. I'm like, oh, no need, I just got these.

These are allowed, right? Yeah, it's stupid. Because hey, you're deflecting, it's not gonna work. Okay, fine, those and just this. It's so funny though, we didn't fight at all. We had such a great time, but there was two times where we fought one and it's on your podcast, but then the other time we fought,

you got really mad at me on the way to the airport for some reason. You got really uptight, I don't know why. Yeah, you came at me. I gave him a Barocca, a fucking, you've had those. Yeah. It's a vitamin drink. It's a pill, you put it in water.

So you don't get sick on the plane, whatever, where it's tired. And then he puts it in water. He just put it in water and just drink it. And he's like, I'll sip on this throughout the day. Bath of the, I was like, do we still have that for you? He goes, eh. And so then, he, on the bumpiest 1938 car with no shocks. He's

like, I'll open it now with a white shirt. And he just goes, Oh, what the fuck? He goes, you're fucking Baraka. It got all over me. I'm like, no, don't come at me with that. And he's like, what the fuck? Then he gets his bag, opens it up, takes his whitest shirt out for no reason. And then just like, Oh, I got to rearrange all this. I'm like, what's your white shirt doing out? Why would, chill, chill. You were spazzing. I was not spazzing.

You were spazzing. You were getting uptight. I'm like, stop, dude, stop. I was giggling, this is the thing, we were in the car, this is why, you remember this thing all wrong. You're coming at me. I was not coming at you.

You're coming at me now. I was in the car, I was in the car and I had your Barocca, whatever it is. And it's a red, it's like a fruit punch, and I'm sitting there, I had it in my car, and it went on my white t-shirt. And I was like, god damn it, your stupid thing that you made me drink went all over.

I'm like, it's you, I told you to drink it hours ago. Yeah, but I just was busting your balls about it You're like dude, what the fuck you got mad that I was dirty my balls all day I was like, I let me find a souvenir and you're like, no, I want to go this place Come on, come on. Come on. This is bullshit. This is what you did. We went for soup. We went to your fucking You want you wanted or fucking no, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, hey, it's getting late I can't have to I can't have to move. I got to go to this place. No, no, no. no, no, no. I got it, I was like, hey, it's getting late, I kinda have to move, I gotta go to this place. No, no, no, that's not what happened. That's what happened.

We had souvenir day, we planned souvenir day, the last day. Where do you sign? Sylvainer, Sylvainer, Sylvainer, Sylvainer. Getting closer. Sylvainer. Okay. Sylvainer? Yeah, you put an L in there before.

Sylvainer, Sylvainer? Try it again, do it one more time, ready? Sylvainer. Souvenir Souvenir souvenir Souvenir, okay We thank you. We I'm gonna give myself a pivot. Yeah, we planned souvenir day. Yeah And last day a couple hours we go out we start walk. We actually planned out where we're gonna go I'm going in all the places looking for stuff and you literally you literally said to me, come on, let's go, let's go. Yeah, well, you stopped in for coffee, that line was forever, and the pastry. I'm like, that's fine, it's fine.

I was like, hey, I wanna get to this place already. And you were like, let's go to another tchotchke shop. I'm like, I've already been to these, there's a craft market I wanna get to. And you're like, we've got plenty of time. I'm like, actually, we're under an hour now, so I gotta start moving. And I went.

No, you started shitting on me. No, I did not. Yeah, you started riding me. What are you talking about? You started riding me, so I was like, all right, buddy. What are you talking about? And you're like, hey, I'm gonna go, great, sweet, I gotta move, so.

I was not riding you, you were riding me. I was having fun in the tchotchke shops, and you wanted to go get her a fucking dress. I know. Who buys a girl a dress in a third world country? It was like, I have fun in Havana. I was like, dude, it's the same shop, 50 times. It's like Times Square, you're going to Times Square shops.

Yeah, but you went into like a store to buy her outfits. Oh! And I wanted to go buy Max a Cuban t-shirt. Yeah, I get it. I did, I just left. You know what I did when I left? I went and got breakfast. Nice.

I went and got an egg. I went to that member place we went to the first day. You went over there? I went there, I got toast, eggs, and bacon. The thing is when you're traveling somewhere, you gotta take some time off. Yeah, you gotta take time off. We gotta take a break.

Listen, we gotta take a break. I, shut up. We're gonna come right back. We're gonna take a break. With more action, less talking about Cuba, because you're gonna hear that on UB Trippin. We're gonna go, you can... I'll be the 100,000th subscriber to UB Trippin.

I can't stay up. If you're getting there right now. I hate, can you shut the fuck up and let me do this? Dude, no. Let me just talk, let me say where you're gonna be. Big now. I hate, can you shut the fuck up and let me do this? Dude, no, let me just, let me say where you're gonna be. Big Jay is gonna be, Big Jay is gonna be this Sunday night in Stanford. He's got one show, then he's gonna be in St. Louis,

West Palm, and Providence for tickets and all of the tour dates. Go to bigjaycomedy.com. Get a souvenir. Punchup.live slash Big Jay Oakeson. And Ari, of course we have his podcast that's coming he's gonna be in the farewell tour shows in Lake Tahoe Pittsburgh Providence Salt Lake City Brea and more for tickets and all of the tour dates go to Ari

Ari Shaffir dot-com be sure to check out you be trippin I'm on in two weeks the podcast is on YouTube dot-com slash at you be trippin pod and make sure you check out my new So you got a new fucking YouTube page YouTube page with all your stand-up YouTube? Well, we got a big announcement coming after the break. We do Is it big? Yeah, it's big Bob. I don't know if it's big. Oh, it's big YouTube have I ever lied about big the bigness of announcements. Yes, you have when named sex times I'm gonna write them down and we'll come back. Name six times I've done that.

Or public apology. YouTube.com slash at Robert Kelly comedy. Bob, you've got some stuff. You can see you every Tuesday night at 7 p.m. at the Fat Black Pussycat lounge at the Comedy Cellar. That's not the Comedy Cellar Rito, by the way. That's one here in New York City. I'm actually a part owner of that, so plug that.

For tickets and all life, other tour dates, visit punchup.live slash Robert Kelly. Who put the exclamation point in there? Christine. So you want us to read it like that? Hold on, I'll do it again. For tickets and all other tour dates, visit PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly!

Yeah, excitement. Now here's one with, let me go down a little bit. Christine. Okay, now here's one, because there's no. Christine, this is for. Check out Bobby's new YouTube channel, youtube.com slash at Robert Kelly Comedy. Let me go down a little bit. Christine? Okay, now here's the one. Christine? This is for? Check out Bobby's new YouTube channel, youtube.com slash at Robert Kelly Comedy. We'll be right back.

It's the Bonfire with Whipped Up Ari Shafir. I'm whipped. Why? I don't know. Freaking me out, man. God took a rock turn. Settle down. We'll be back.

Crackle, crackle.