The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Sensual Alone Time

Episode Date: June 22, 2021

Jay reveals his new foot position for his sensual alone time while reviewing the brand new cast on this season of Love After Lockup.Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com#CrackleCrackle

It's Dan Soder and Big J. Oakerson. Welcome to the Bonfire Podcast. We'll have new episodes every morning, Tuesday through Friday. If you want more Bonfire, you can always hear our full show every day on Series XM. Dan Soder is off today of course doing his thing on billions. They wrote his character back in. I know he got swallowed by a sand monster in the last episode. He filmed and nobody thought he was going to have to go back.

But then I guess he coughed him up there's a whole sci-fi twist on billions I don't know if you guys are keeping it yeah that's right I don't know if you guys are keeping up with it but uh they brought his character back and he's I guess gonna talk about his experiences inside the sandworms taking a real dune twist billions I don't know if anybody's watching but if you are that's what's happening it's good commercial but sitting in for him today Everybody you know, you love him. It's the beast master himself the hilarious Hellarious He's a hilarious

Everybody is Justin silver I'll wait you for my hawks sound there they are Lottoir Zarkar What's up everybody good to be here with y'allon, common. What's up, everybody? Good to be here with you all. Been a while. It's good to have you here. Been a while.

It's been a little bit. Yeah. It's been a little bit since we've had the guy on. I think last time we had you on, you were on a gaitcation with Ryan Long. Who said, oh shit, was that the last one? We're about to do another one. Maybe we're about another gaitcation.

You know what, there's nothing like to attract the funny guys with their shirts off in a little paddle boat that goes nowhere and upon would you describe it as to attractive dudes if me and you want to trip yes if you say to attractive dudes in Rhode Island we went there and that's exactly I described it I don't think that's true at all and just with me in Rhode Island was the first time I've been knocked on my door by the staff of a hotel to stop smoking weed in the room. They're so official about the guy really came up and they

can't come in your room but he was definitely doing the peak around Justin and I'm like what? No, I probably I spoke outside so maybe you just smell it but yeah I get it it's cool and they left us alone. Justin and Josh had a Myers both are people on the road like you can't lay low at the hotel. The hotel's gonna know you are when you come in. Got a lot of questions. They got a lot of questions about amenities and services, availability of a gym that spokes talks to conversations.

The juiness really comes out of me at the check-in. These are the snacks. Yeah, is this all you guys have? Is there late night food? Uh huh, can I work out milk and meat here? This is for questions about the gym when we checked in is it open? Do I have to sign up for something? Do I have a time Jacob stop nodding your head? Do not put yourself on on Justin's level. You've seen this guy do muscle ups. Don't you dare?

You're doing strappy workouts in your mom's bedroom. Jacob Justin's just is out there with jeans on his neck for some reason. Not anymore. I'm injured. I'm injured. Just doing Renaissance night training. He's training for fucking battles that are never going to happen. Yeah. It is Monday, a weird day today too, because it's got a there's a thing you have to turn off. It's happened for the last two or three years. And I got the invite today to the Dave Chappelle

comedians ball. A big party throws for all comedians in New York once a year. And I can't go to these things. Why? It just feels like such a hangar is on event. It's just like the a hangers on event. It's, it's just like the Christmas parties at the clubs. It ends up being 70,000 comics who don't even work those clubs are just there, grubbing off the free food and open bar. And

it's just like, it's all mistakes are made that night. Oh hell yeah. Weird hug ups. Weird hug. Although I will say me and Christine, we last Christmas party we got talked into was a holiday party for the seller a few years ago and And one of the wait staff who we both find very attractive just proud of two-minute conversation with her left tit just out I don't mean peaking out. I mean her left tit was out and I just like I had a conversation as I will often do and I'll give this information again because it's good thing people to know if you ever see public nudity and you're the only person who sees it drink it in drink it in for as long as humanly possible and then don't get greedy though because while it's still how you don't want to change when you're looking because that means strong chance they saw you looking at their snatch and then you're the weirdo and then you're

the weirdo right but if you can enjoy it take a mental picture for a good give yourself a 30 40 seconds that's a long time of staring at a pussy you got a good picture of what that pussy looks like wait the vagina was hanging out no this was a titty oh but I did this also a titty. Oh, but I did this also. A titty, it'll work for a titty also. But take your look and then try to leave yourself enough time while it's still exposed to run over to that person and be the god damn hero.

Then you get to go, it's like sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet. Everyone can see up your skirt or miss, miss, miss, your shirt, your boobs hanging out. And then they're like, oh my God, thank you so much. What a gentleman for not just being a creep and staring. And you're like, right, there's a lot of weirdos out here. And then you're a fucking hero, do you know what I mean? Christine did that.

In fact, what I did, I saw her left it hanging out, called Christine over to take a peek at the tit. And then did a little like, hey, you're shirt. And she's like, oh God. Now these are all drunken, druggy staff of comedy clubs. So she barely gave a shit. But I'm telling you could do this on the street with an omesh lady and look like a hero. That's right. I'm not the hero that you want. I'm the hero you all deserve. I'm going to look at all of your girlfriend's tits and posse's and then make them think I'm the hero you all deserve. I'm gonna look at all of your girlfriend's tits and pussies and then make them think I'm the person who would never do that.

In turn, maybe making them think I'm so great. That's the kind of guy that's spent a little bit of time with. That's right, I'm coming to take your girl. So if you have a girlfriend who's cool with her tits and puss being out in public, I'm moving in, brah. I'm moving in hard. That's so much more exciting than an intentional to that Buddy, it's

World's better than a today. I'll tell you what and call me gay for this if you want to It's more holy shit exciting to watch a guy fucking beating off through a window Then it would be for a girl to be like, who wants to see my boob? Yeah. Because you're like, yo, this guy is doing something no one's supposed to be seeing. And I'm fucking got the, for some reason, a bird's eye view of it. Now of course, I'd prefer a chick doing that. I'm just making the point that there's even more of like a goose bumpy like, oh shit. Yeah.

When you're like, this guy has no idea I'm watching him just getting ready to pump like no one's looking. Yeah. And my no one's looking yeah and my no one's looking beats are fucking weirder very weird while Christine was in California I did some second describes for you bottoms of feet touching making a diamond with your legs Jacob you follow me you're a limberman

sure yeah yeah what you're doing laying on my back but I have the bed and zero G. Okay, so my legs are elevated. My torso is elevated. Pants are down, feet, bottoms touching. So I got a diamond shape. Nuts hanging. My legs are up high. So nuts are hanging hard. And man, it was the first time I've spitting my hand to jerk off in probably 20 years. It was so exciting to be alone. Yes, Jacob, your thoughts? You shook your head on that, no? No, I mean, I've never done that.

Spitting your hand? No. What? Treat yourself once in a while. Oh, wait, I think we talked about this. You're a loo- are you a loob jerk or a dry jerk? Dry. Dry.

And never any kind of dampness. You don't even take some of the The fucking the tears of the clown to come out in the beginning I have can I ask a question that's one second. Yeah, yeah, I got a Chopin a bit with this Jacob come on. Sometimes you gotta just take a thumb over that teardrop and at least rub it under the rim Dude you're gonna get too much grip. I think you're gonna get road rash on your dick man This is this is where my question comes in. It's what I'm What I'm used to

Now it was the other way, but you're using the skin To of course he is. Yeah, you're not it's not friction. You're not going friction like hand or on the shaft Up and down like that correct. That's gonna burn What do you mean? You're grabbing it from a point and you're dragging the skin that's under your hand when you grab it, you're dragging it with the hand. You're dragging that up and down. You're not sliding your hand to new parts of the dick. Let me show you on Jay's arm. No, I was just kidding. You're making this happen, not this happen. Yes, the first. The first.

Yes, that's the only way. I've done a lot of dry, I only took dry, and I don't use lotions, creams, or salves ever. Really? Ever. I think it's ridiculous. I don't do it. However, I'll take another thing I've been doing that's

been helping out just simply Locean moisturizing my penis after showers now, which is part of my routine When you grab your dick to jerk soft like a baby skin. I mean it is really a nice jerk. You will slide a little bit on that with no with no loop, but Jacob honestly just like even a dab off the tip of your tongue, saliva, and just work that it, work that into the helmet a little bit. Really? I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think I belong on this show anymore. I'm just, no, don't take, no, I don you you use no loop I don't use lotion ever I will loop with I will do what we're describing the skin jerk no no the spit I said I haven't done that in 20 years my day the other day but I was saying what I will do is I do what Jacob does the

dry skin pull and then when I start getting a couple of fucking those those baby jizzes the little drips the self-loop yeah you take sometimes you thumb over the thumb over it and then you just run that down the fucking main vein dude take it down the base Jacob I'm telling you good to go black glue you're shaking your head no two what do you do what do you jerk off with your answer should have been white pussy We took off with white pussy Uh, no, I'm a lotion guy. I feel like it needs to be wet like a vagina. Yeah, yeah black guys are almost all lotion guys Always lotion around, you know, I mean my lotion's in my medicine cabinet

Do you make out do you make out with your arm while you're doing it like I do? No, well me neither me neither Jay Gomez did say he used to ask all of our guests and he never got one person Maybe I'll bring that back up tonight on the show No one's ever agreed with him that he says when he jerks off he makes out with the air Which is the behavior of a person who should be committed. I think that's crazy I use by the way not even you're just making a joke about making out with your arm, at least your mouth touching something. That's what I'm saying. If somebody walked in, more embarrassing than your cock in your hand is your mouth going,

I use a combination of solutions, I gotta gotta tell you I like I'm being asked you I'll use a water-based lube that is specifically for fucking and then I'll mix that with a nice trader Joe's Body lubrication and I'm telling you you one square to each how many parts? It's a for a half an hour. How many parts at 50 50 mix or how many parts? How many parts? How many parts? How many parts? 2 parts? 2 parts? Trader Joe's? That's a great question. That depends what my humidifier is doing and in which room I'm in. Okay. But usually a 50-50 mix. DJ Lil, you're a dry tug. Yes, you're a dry tug. But you pull the pre-come drips down, right? Whatever happens happens, I don't really make that a point. that. No, no, no, no, no, it's not whatever happens happens. That's something you have to seek out. Or else you're just going to have a weird fucking bubble sitting

on the head of your dick. Yeah, I don't, uh, I don't pay attention to that. A bubble. Yeah, the pre my pre-com thing comes out like a fucking almost like, uh, like a tapioca bee. Like a tree set. Yeah, a perfect raindrop of it emerges and stays in a circle on top of my dick and then I can just, and then it's almost going like, it's like a peasant Spencer for Lou, but it's like, oh, here you go, dude, we're getting a little rough down here. Let's fucking oil this bad boy up.

And then I do that for a while. And then you just kind of work the head for a little bit, you're gonna pop. It's been too much time in my life, jacking off to a porn search. I'm trying to get past those days. It's consumed parts of my life. Like I maybe should have talked to a therapist about it.

How long, it's just my jerk session can go like 40 fucking minutes sometimes. What do you think? The whole point is to be fast. Thank you, Jacob, thank you. But you know what I'm saying? And it wasn't the jerking took so long. I only be jerking off for five total minutes

of that 40 minutes. It's finding the fucking- It's the research video that's gonna work and it's gonna be Jesus Christ, who like commit like commit to and I found that if I just mentally go Dude, so I'll go on lobster tube right and I go now when I look up Whatever subject I want to look up. Yeah, I only go on the first page of results and I immediately Click all of the ones by thumbnail that I want to check out only on the first page.

This is new for me. And then I will go and then they're all on top in tabs, they open separate tabs. And then I systematically, and I go, dude, you've got these eight clips. And you limit yourself to that. And you're going to come and when it gets down and, you know, by the third, it's a fun game almost because by the third one, it's like a game of chance. You know what I mean? You start going like, this one was pretty good, but I did click those other two for a reason. And the thing is because of the not going on to the second page,

right? I'm never going to see the one those first two again. So if I feel like I'm getting close on the third, I have a real decision to make. I'm like, well, either way, XS went out and see if that next one was the one. And that's a fun game to play, because you're like, no, it doesn't matter. I've got a show to do. This thing's coming out to this.

There's a psychological turn for that. It's availability bias. You know, if they give somebody like 100 versions of pictures of themselves, they can't pick which one, but if they only give you three, you'll be happier with the one that you choose Oh, yeah, you know, you're like I don't even think you need the therapist Dude the photographer that took pictures down in Austin, Texas for us. Yeah, sweet heart of a guy And he meant well and he was he made complaints about the lighting and the thing and how much he wanted to shoot me and make me look good and

All I said was I was like dude. It's only me look good. And all I said was I was like, dude, it's totally me look fat. I sit down on stage and I'm a big guy, so it's the worst all-ever look. And after the show, he goes, yeah, I didn't like the lighting very much, but I got some really good shots of him. And he said that's Christine and Christine goes, please don't show him any of them. He doesn't like looking at pictures himself. It'll kill the mood of the night. And sure of shit, this guy came over and wouldn't leave me alone. He's like, ah, no, they're

really good pictures that I want you to see him. And he just shows me 18 profiles of what looks like a shit emoji with my head on top of it. And he's going, I don't like the purples in the lighting. I go, it's not the issue. It's not the issue, dude. Why would you put something like that out there of me? And, uh, and you show, and you know what you got to do to a photographer? You just got to go, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Man, he's going to use that one. I have no diva in me where I go erase those right now. That's what I should say. I just go, I want you to delete those. Don't use them ever. Even Seth Simon's had the decency to put up a very flattering, onward picture of me. I want to know what picture it is because I want to use it for other things.

Not just articles saying that I'm a Nazi. I've learned how to shoot you when we're on the road so you don't have like a meltdown. Straight on. The only people who take pictures on the road. When I'm on the road and I look at the shit after the show, no one has a camera in front of me. They only have cameras from below me and diagonal up. It's the only angle we'll take.

My favorite, let me tell you the solace I take, the happiness, how I lay my head down and close my eyes easy at night. When I go and see that most of the pictures people took at the shows are of an empty stage and they go waiting for Big Jail, Chris, and to come out so excited. And then one standing with me after the show. The action shot on stage is a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare. And I sit and I will not stand.

I won't stand. Standing solves the whole problem. Oh, it'd be raining pussy on me if I stood on stage But I'll tell you what I go get my glob a shit with a fucking I'm a bean head on top of it and Man just you probably love being photographed except your next to me because you're just feel short That right now that's why I'm leaning forward. God. I would love a picture of you though with your fucking jerking off with your little diamond feet Are we filming this one? This one being filmed? You got a lean forward.

It is. Oh, well, Jacob, you can see here. Oh, wait, hang on. Stay there. Yeah, we're going to picture. Hang on there. You're so cute. Get my touchies.

Are you getting it? I can't hold it much longer. I need a bed to help with this. No, look at your vagina. It's so awesome. I bet you tomorrow Bobby Kelly can't do that. I bet you tomorrow. You can't.

I jerk off in weird positions sometimes. This is a conversation. I have a feeling just because it's coming up now. It's going to come up again with Bobby Kelly. I know he go off in weird positions sometimes. This is a conversation I have a feeling just because it's coming up now, it's gonna come up again with Bobby Kelly. I know he jacks in some weird ways, I bet. Probably is a freak. Sometimes I sit on the, you know the red, I have this red chair like this like a, you know, not the similar to this council,

but I'll sit on the back of the chair and put both legs on the arms of the chair. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I'm over it. Oh wow. Yeah. Yeah, I gotta tell you. Like this, like a, like a, like a this. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm over it? Oh wow. Yeah. Yeah, I gotta tell you. Like this.

Like a, like a, like a this. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Oh, really? Yeah, you're sitting. I'm sitting on the back of the chair. You know the chair that you always sit in my house. Oh yeah.

I sit on the chair. My jerk chair. Right. My master butorian, I call it. I sit on the back of the master butorian and I put my legs on my feet on the arms of the chair. So I'm really over it. By the way, call in. There's a phone number. I think it's on my feet on the arms of the chair. So I'm really over it. By the way, Colin, there's a phone number. I think it's on your radio right now.

I never know it. But if you're Colin, if you are a dude who jerks face down because I am learning that's a thing. Wait how? On the bed. On the bed. Like you hump the mattress? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I've heard and by the way, that said, one time on our our old buddy Wayne's roof, we watched a guy throw a window jack on all fours, but I guess not in all fours, on three of fours and jerking off like facing down. That wasn't even like, like, humping the bed.

So one arm was holding him up like a yoga position? Like, are you getting phone calls? Or is that, oh, let's hear this. I couldn't wait that quick. Someone like that. I jerk like that. Also, if you're a woman and you masturbate weird, I'd love to hear that also.

If you're a woman, if you're a woman, who am I Christine? If you're a woman and you masturbate weird calling. Cause're a woman, then you masturbate, we are calling. Because that's just me on your stomach, because it's probably not gonna get any girl phone, from female phone calls from this, but. That's a common thing. When the stomach for women is not in common at all. That was like exclusively for me until I was about 19

and watched porn, and then I could like flip it up and do it the other way. Smack it up, flip it and rub it down. That's what song was talking about. We would just like jerk off next to each other on bears or hump each other's legs. Yeah, I get all that. Um, but that's, uh, yeah, no, I knew that about you, but I've also heard, uh, like even since you've said to me, that's not uncommon at all. I think anytime I've even brought it up, Dylan, like Christine says she used to that and it's like yeah, I still do that

I I guess toys have probably probably would change that in most women's lives, you know, I mean But I wonder if there's any girl who's like I can't come unless I put like a plug in my butt or something like there's probably weird shit like that when you hump the matches What are your hands doing? I've never done this so you're holding on to like the side of the hump the matches, what are your hands doing? Why don't I've never done this? So you're holding on to the side of the game? As a guy? Yeah.

I don't know. Are you doing it Lewis does? Were your fake choking someone's hair? Maybe it may even be a hand underneath it or something or a pillow. It's just like the idea fucking something. But again, I've never needed that. For a subject that's coming later in the show,

DJ Liu, we both watched Love After Lock Up, and one of the guys waiting for his, I think, pretty hot girlfriend that come home. He's a weirdo. He goes, I need to satisfy myself. So, I had to buy a sex toy, and he got, it was insane. It's like a bodacious ass and tits and stomach between them. Like Venus, the Milo arms, there's like the other cutoff right at the shoulders. And and legs that cut off about an inch down below the ass. And also made to about a one fifth scale. Is that it's the size of a shoe box? It's the size of a shoe box is a size of a shoe box but all of those things and so like like see cup titties a fat ass and pussy and the

whole things like a foot and a half like long like a cabbage patch doll yeah without without legs and arms or head smaller than a midget almost little person sorry I know you got many in your family I got an ice-sume you grew up I'm not a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy.

I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. sex dolls you could probably see like you could probably see this thing it's crap to fuck this thing to hold it and fuck it would be so bizarre because by the way even if you're like well I like to grab tits while I fuck I go doesn't it feel weird how close the tits are the pussy like that's crazy and that's not

a doll for pedophiles to not fuck that's not not one of those dolls. It was a regular old sex doll But he called it a whatever's girlfriend's name is junior It was white too. I noticed oh These are them. I think that one is To normal size that looks normal to me. Can we see it like do they have like a that's not that's that's not what this one I mean, it's probably not easy to find but they've got to show you like that they put it next to something so you could see like the size of it like The perspective scale a perspective. They got to show someone fucking in it They'd be great. They just say it with like a dollar

It's hard to tell scale when it's not next to something but you could kind of know oh shit There's you can see scale there. Look at his death is so bizarre. That's fucking crazy looking. It's like you're fucking a baby Tinkerbell. It's not even a baby though. Look at that ass. It's just so teensy It's great for traveling. Oh, dude. It's 100% great for traveling. I'm sorry. It's like a UE boom I would hope I would hope, I would hope that went off in my fucking carry on every time. We gotta check this back for something. I go ahead. It's probably Veronica.

Oh, you probably have some questions about Veronica. Sorry, that's my quadriplegic sex magic. Is this not allowed on the play and I apologize? Oh sorry, maybe you show some respect to a fucking vet, a former vet who lost their legs and arms and head and war. That's disturbing. Oh you're saying you don't, you think our vets don't deserve to have sex?

Yeah it's crazy just to, that's not even a good, that's, that ass is too regular. It'll be just fucking a hot Asian chick. Now man. Look at this there. We go Here's what he shot I tell you something I think that's it. I think that's the thing It's okay. We don't pay for our porn. This is ads. All right. That's a real-sized woman. Yep. Yeah Big old booty now here. That's that's it Lou, isn't it? That's the one

Christine put a link out to it on some social media Oh, but now here that's that's it Lou, isn't it? Yep. Yep. That's the one. Yep. This dick is big. It's the whole fucking thing Christine put a link out to it on some social media that were allowed to because people need to see what I'm saying I'm disturbed by. It's crazy. He's got his top two fingers on our tits and the bottom two fingers are spreading the stump legs open. It's there you go. It's legit a cabbage patch doll size.

But with a bodacious body. Yeah, with a great body. It's so was and by the way, as a hood over face as he should. This should be more. This should be more. This should be more alarming than fucking when you see people, ISIS training videos. This should alarm us more. And I hope to God this is a foreign country. They got better have a unibrow into that mask. Jacob, I'll be saying I'm sorry.

No, it looks like a kid's doll that the kid ripped the arms and legs off as they do. But just more anatomically like porn star looking. Yeah, it's like fuckingomically like porn star looking. It's, yeah. It's like fucking a GI Joe with a pussy. It's a dressed up fleshlight. You're like, he's a little extra. Exactly. That's what it is. But you've dressed it up with like dress it up with just like a stomach, like a tight stomach, if you want to grab your lips or something to try to cram. Oh, look at that. It's insane. Man, he's going though.

He really is going at it. can't figure where to put our faces She was to make sure I'm not enjoying it too much Put my face to right on the top of that thing because next to Jay like that's the perspective it's kind of accurate I'm not this video This video is eight minutes and ten seconds. Yeah, I mean two two minutes in the fucking this thing, if you haven't been like, yo, this is ridiculous. Like it's a- Well, Jay, this is a tutorial. Oh, no.

Oh, no. I'm really like he's wearing a condom. He is, actually, he's- He doesn't want to mess up inside. I'll tell you why. Also, I'm glad we brought that up because DJ Lou, please support this. After he describes and explains how he's been fucking this thing

and that he stretched the holes out of it and love after lock up, he then puts it in the dishwasher on top of dishes. On top of dishes, Jacob. Oh, look, he gives you the receipt, the guy. Oh, man. We in this guy could be in a big J's dick local like contest This is why it's kind of hard to return to the office because this can be your office mate

You know this is what you're dealing with in society. I hope we return I think I'm telling you this might be your show mate DJ Lou could have a fucking closet for these your show mate DJ Lou could have a fucking closet for these. Nope. I don't know. Maybe. I'm a dishwasher. That doesn't matter. Do you guys run water straight through it? Do they come in different colors? Watched it to oh yeah. What if you're not in a white caries about that? I mean, if you're at the point where you're going this far, you're probably like,

you know what? There's a little bit more specificity you may need. Do they make Middle Eastern fuck dolls? One with a little hair on the back? Well, I'll tell you what, they haven't perfected fake hair. I don't think so. I don't know if you can find any expensive fuck doll with hair. And Christ knows, if I'm getting a fuck doll, I'd want a little bit of that hair, for sure.

Now, I guess I'm wrong. I probably wouldn't. All right, there's Ebony. Christine, tell me right now, locked in a room for a week. You don't give that torso and that cock a shot. Locked in the room with only that for a week? Yeah, you're right at some point. Yeah, probably.

Well, I say by the end of the first day, but I'm being polite. I'm being polite. There's a great trans gender selection here. Tits and a dick. Where are you seeing that? Right here. It says mail. Tits. Those are 100%. No, that guy's fucking yoked. You're crazy. Those are just. If there, if there was like a rubber Jason, Mamoah, that you and you could also push a button with pre-recorded sounds. You would, you would, you would be into that right?

I don't know. Yeah, I understand. I was going to say, I only got to lock, Jacob, and I'll tell you why. It's like, it's so fabricated. You know, I mean, it's so fabricated. Now, not that she wouldn't, if like, and here's an exact mold of his cock, Dildo, I'm sure she crams it in her yam a little bit,

but as like the fake talk. Too much detail. Too much detail. And here's an exact mold of his cock dildo. I'm sure she crams it in her yam a little bit, but I just like the fake talk. Too much detail. Too much detail. It does look bizarre. Yeah, you're right. That's how I would feel. It's like.

But again, but like Jason Mamo is body, which essentially is what that is with what I can only guess is this beautiful cock like that. Oh, there's tits in a dick. Top corner. Oh, that. Oh, there's tits in a dick. Top corner. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

Christine, that's made for you. Yeah. Look at you, best of both worlds. Where will I be sucking on them fucking unnecessarily real nuts? Those things are very real looking. These guys with these tiny dolls are just cracking me up. Yeah. Yeah. It should crack you up. They look ridiculous. And by the way, if they're sending this out to like women to be like, hey, check out what I can do. You'd be like, why do you own that thing?

Where do you put it when you're not you it's in a place For sure that when you're not using it you come across it and that's embarrassing enough in the drawer next to your bed And the fucking closet up top when you're getting your shirts in the morning You see that and you go what the fuck is wrong with me? And again my problem is I am too Complete different perspectives on life. I mean right down the politically from when I want to come to having come. Even if I can do this, the moment that I come and I'm holding that in my hand and tweaking my own nipple apparently, this guy is when I come in this dude, like I might think about hurting myself.

I'm halfway returning emails that are on the other window, the second I'm done. The second I'm done, I can call my mom. I'm back, I'm that often the next thing. No, I'm often the next thing, but I will feel ashamed at what I've done with this like this is oh with the thing You're saying yes, and when I come you wipe off the calm if you jerk off and you pull your pants up And you go about your day jumping the shower or whatever it is yeah

This when you're done when you come and even when you go and you're done you you pull your pants up pretty good No, no sits there. I don't certainly sit there and lay in my fucking like pretty good. No one sits there. I don't certainly sit there and lay in my fucking like, just came fucking thing for a while. Like I get my dick away relatively quick. And I'm saying in that and even then you're just kind of like, you know, I don't, you don't overthink it, but if you're holding a fucking toy like that. Yeah. If you're holding a torso in your hand and your pinky is touching a pussy and your thumbs on tits It's just that's crazy. I'm gonna be like I'm a kill myself. That might make me suicidal I think it's possible, but that would put me in a deep funk. I'm like, yeah, what does it come to? Yeah, I gotta go put away. It's like special drawer and I've had three flesh lights given to me three flesh lights given to me

My dick is never even teased the outer lips I've never even opened them. We end up throwing them away or giving them away ultimately and like Cuz I'm like I don't know what to do with this thing. It's weird. I try but once they don't work for me We got a suck machine right in the other room. No, I was given from Legion of Skanks a suck machine that I I can't put my dick in this thing. It's ridiculous looking. I should go get it I'll get it on the break. Does it plug in the wall? It's charging in the wall. Yes. You make a great great point. I'm not gonna get the Dix up. By the way, though, because is a bell is in the room. Yes, Jacob.

You make a great point about storage because this thing has to be stored somewhere. It's big enough that it has to take some space up where somebody's gonna to find it. If I was this much of a maniac, I would have to like have a false floor. Yeah. It is not New York apartment. I'm going to tell you something. It's crazy. I know what they mean now, but I didn't realize the episode of Love at the Lockup is called cheap thrills and big dills. That's great. That's a great title. I always recommend Love at the Lockup. By the way, if you want to jump in, everybody, all new cast.

All new cast. So this is the first everyone's getting to know them. Dive on in. And then for you long time LA Ellers, like me and DJ Liu over there, life after lock up returns with the old people are back. And it's gonna be juice. You have the scene Christine? Yeah.

Here we go. On one of our visitation and she said, yeah. So when the cold gets out, I can see us, you know, setting up a wedding and everything and getting married. Well, I don't need you no more. I bought this shortly after I started talking to Nicole because, listen, I have an extremely high sex drive. I'm also a lawyer. I didn't want to cheat on her, so I was like, you know what? Let me go get something to satisfy that urge when I need it.

My little sex toy or torso that I got whatever You want to call it I've actually named her in the cold junior nothing wrong with that Yeah, they are now. I think sex with Nicole is gonna be great. I have no doubts in my mind that and you know If she's great and bad, let me our clead off see it's all me see it's in the dishwasher Jacob on top of dishes yeah hey I got to get some tomato seeds and come off of this Jesus F and H the life-size teddy bear on his bed is hilarious to This mom dude. It's just That's the mom's house He lives with his family because he spent all of his money on other chicks

That were in jail. She knows that's in the dishwasher. Yeah. Oh, oh his mom. Oh, 100% Yeah, lie. Oh, get your god damn Dildo that you're your fuck tore so out of the dishwasher. We have company coming over. We'll take our first break when we come back. I would actually like to dig into this because speaking of love, it's our lock up. All I said to Christine, we were watching last night was on the show. We're going to do a collective thing right now. And Dan will be part of it when he comes back because we might even be able to reach out to him, but I hope we can.

We've done it before, we've gone on the sites, but I wanna go pick out our smoking hot chick and then we'll collectively as a show be one person. Oh yes. So we can get all the answers and all the things to say right and it'll be fun debating what those things are. However, I just wanna see the moment where we realize like we're just being used because that that dude who just washed his fucking mom's dishes in his own fuck tour so

together like he Like just he goes she's not using me for money and He believed when she said Because his mom was like what are you doing like what are you doing this girl's using you for money. And he believed when she said, because his mom was like, what are you doing? Like, what are you doing? This girl is using you for money. She told you she was on that site looking the people to use for money. And he goes, I know. And then she said she found love. She couldn't believe it. She said, I'm one and a million. Even the term one and a million is like, if said to you, you're just like, you've said that to fucking 40 people. You don't tell anybody they're one and a million and fucking mean it ever it never happens

So and he just goes she said I'm one and a million and she can't believe she found love Over the internet without meeting somebody to someone who's desperate and lonely with somebody on the outside who lives with his mom and fucks Dismembred people with his mom and fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fucks fuck fucks fucks fucks fucks fuck fucks fuck fucks fuck fucks fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck or the rich older guys. That guy's pretty funny. He's very, very hateable. But you do feel a little more for him, just like, I don't care at all. My favorite are the, particularly when black dudes are on the outside and they're waiting for a girl to come out of jail. Dude, the Steve Harvey suits, they show up to the jail in the pick of a, like they're older black guys

who still think they're smooth and got it. Oh hell yeah. And it's always like some young girl comes out and goes, oh, hey, it's like I'm so glad to meet you I'm so excited and the guys like yeah girl It goes got a smokey Robinson CD in the car and she's like who? And he goes go and take you up for some prom rib, you know, and then take you spin you around the dance floor Just like these things This right here is a Chrysler three hundred yeah exactly

Come on my Chrysler three. Yeah exactly. Yeah, come on my Chrysler Come on baby girl. Let's underrated That color is that's the funniest guy is the smooth old brother who just can't Wrap his brain around the idea that he was being used and the kids are always like dad You're 60 stop it. He's and while he's like ironing a fucking like purple pinstripe suit And they're all like dad you're getting he's they're always kids are always telling him you're being used goes You man you create because he's like I still got it Okay, and they just fucking and they they're the most entertaining to watch and this guy is that dude this guy thinks he's fucking smooth

I gotta tell you he's not a bad looking guy Say he's got a job making 25 hours a 25 hours an hour solid job and he fucking just like lives with his mom and and just only tries to date Criminals and then there's a girl on the show now who looks like Rachel Dratch her name weirdly enough Rachel and She is excited for her boyfriend to come home and beat her up is Almost literally what she said she was in the Marines and she just likes it guys guys You know bad boys not gonna really throw me the round the way I need and he calls in the phone He goes did you put money in my commissarior something she goes now. I forgot he goes

You're gonna need me start barking orders again. I swear to God. You're pissing me off right now. She's like Barkin orders again, I swear to God, you're pissing me off right now and she's like, uh, he gets angry. He didn't even met yet. He didn't even met, he's like, you stupid bitch. I put my shirt on by Twinkies. You've been listening to SiriusXM's bonfire. New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows, always on SiriusXM!