The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - She Hams

Episode Date: June 18, 2021

There's nothing worse than a ham at the wedding, except for a woman who thinks she's magnetic because she was vaccinated.Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com#CrackleCrackle

Hey, it's Big J. Okerson and Dan Soder. Welcome to the Bonfire Podcast. We'll have new episodes every morning, Tuesday through Friday. You want more bonfire, you can hear our full show every day on Serious XM. The Bonfire! I've been laughing so much at the concept of she-ham. This is unrelated, I I know of she-ham's like, please, as you go to wet listeners, when you go to weddings, send us your videos of the ham with the wedding being a ham because by the way, we understand that we started his hams. A lot of comics are ham's as kids. No, being funny.

No, different funny. Ham funny. That was never me. It's why never one class clown I said I never ever one class clown. You're too cool. No not cool at all. I just wasn't a ham I didn't think like the I am did I didn't think the armpit fart. I did was funny. I did I don't wonder if I could still be and I didn't deliver it Wait I don't wonder if I could still get it and I didn't deliver it Wait Still got it baby, Dan ham Dan ham That was weird bird call dude. You don't know how to bird call. I don't know how to bird call Dan I thought we did in studio on time didn't we? It alluded me. It's very impressive

I can get it better Never Is this this is call rata fun? Is this the nature kids? Was Colorado fun? Is this just a nature kid? Was that fun? Yeah, yeah. Colorado? Micking it nice. Get all your friends learn how to bird call? Man, it would be less game if you guys all sucked each other off by a crick.

Well, that's what we did. That was a crick suck. That's the call? Yeah, that's the thing. Ooh, dance for your feisty. You boys want to go down the crick? Guys, let's get sucked off in the dream Oh guys so does Randy dude you want to go fill his mouth? So someone's got an empty tum tumum come I

Mean that's fucking yeah, that's a weird thing to know whatever dude Danham Danham You were you were like the guy at the party who would be like, I guess there's some degree I had to be, but I. I mean, I wasn't like, I don't know, maybe I was obnoxious about it. I don't think I was obnoxious. I think I was just kinda like, I was obnoxious.

Ham was always obnoxious. I think I was the silly boy. Yeah, Ham doesn't always be obnoxious either. Silly, yes, I was definitely silly. I just wasn't like the, I think I was the guy tripping at the wedding every time the thing was just like the way it graded on me was it's my fault. Like something's wrong with me. How much that graded on me. I was watching it going like, what? It wasn't that I wanted that. I didn't want that shine. I wasn't looking for that shine.

So it wasn't jealous. She was the wrong word. I'm telling you though, when you're with someone by ex-girlfriend, we're at that wedding. It was McDaniel's wedding when there was the lady ham and I was just like son of a bitch. My girlfriend at the time just knew it. She's like, that girl really bothers you and I was like,

yes, and then by the end of the weekend, she was like, that girl sucks. I and I was like yes, and then by the end of the weekend She was like that girl sucks She hams laugh like this I'll bet you DJ I bet you DJ apprentice Lewis fucked a lot of wedding she hams dude. Oh dude, hams She hams are like they'll say she hams say things like this in a truck. They're just boobs. What do you want to see in that band? They're just boobs. Hey play my song and I'll show you my Metacole you want to play you want to split these beef curtains Hey, put on I like to move it move it play on some bond. Joe. Me and I'll give you an over-the-pants hand job Yeah, we're giving Lou a fucking memory boner right now. Oh, she's fun

You kidding me to lose definitely coat coat checked fuck their lady named Gwen Absolutely, it's like hey, I brought you a mickalobe. I ordered three and they gave me four. Oh, just, I mean, I bet you laid a batch across some frickled tits, man. Yeah. She goes, by the way, I'm taking home some of the sandwiches, our secret, too. Oh my God, the drunken inside jokes

that Witsky must have had with so many she-hams, where they go, are we going to backer-acker-what? And he's like, I don't know, I'm gonna beat your busting. I can't believe Nancy got married. She used to be the biggest nerd. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Depanced for in high school. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! And then lose like- Who's like, hey, listen, sweetheart, I'm gonna put on a long one and then why don't you get a little comfortable in the grass. Go in the bathroom, take off your pantyhose,

put them in your purse so I have easy access. I'm gonna go apprentice this next tune and then I'll be over with wet fingers. I got a lock and load Ronnie with the next three. And then I'll be in the bathroom to play with you. We'll do some coke. Oh, I don't do that. I'll just do it off your boner. I'll watch you. Oh, sorry.

My son is out on the dance floor. Damn, Blue. How many hand jobs you get from that? I bet, dude, I got a hand job from... Not a she-ham. I'm sure she isn't she-ham. I got an H.J. from a lady once dude. A lady with big freckle tits crazy makeup hair spray in her hand smoking a long thin cigarette with the other hand. Yeah. Am I kind of gal? In playwrights fucking. Yes. In playwrights fucking. Watch them look at their like. Is there well? No, it was going to Fucking yes, replay rights fucking watch him look there like stairwell

That was gonna supply room or something it was crazy man. What a life? What a life my first time ever opening for David's hell ever oh, man, and some ladies like all J.O She lives she goes yes, what the other just jack me up when she was like smoking a cigarette with the other it was so bizarre y'all Bought she's like I wanna With this older lit like much older lady like I think I was 20 come on my shirt. I'm gonna tell people toothpaste How much of a- people know how much I love ranch? Wooo! Wooo! Wooo! Woo! Tell me three stories back to back right now. You fucking shitheads.

I know you have so many. Oh, what's he got to do is fake laugh and it's game over. Oh man, you know. You're crap to code. That's why you didn't get paid to DJ and Brennan's. You get paid in pusah. Yeah. Um, I mean, you close at the I want a lot of these you have to.

Right. I can't my girlfriend listens, bro. She's going to question me. So I don't want to the less I say here, the more I want to get my life will be really got to be honest with you. If you said right now, this is why you get it. This had if you want to. Lou, if you said right now, here's the two times that happened.

She's going to question you a ton now because you're like I don't want to talk about it now she thinks it's something heinous. Just tell us it's probably not that big a deal. Very good point. It's a very good point. I'll give you one. I give you one. It was a wedding in my a really good friend of mine and this girl the girl comes up to me she goes I'll take you upstairs but you're weird and you say stupid things just my kind of guy She am head You're a little off the beaten path and so I'm gonna beat you all She blew you yes

Is it one of those heaving wide red back blow jobs? I've gotten a couple those in my life, too We're you like man. It looks like a guy's blowing me also above also the the fucking power washer Predator pressure of her suckage. Oh Do I just do to thick wide red back with strappy marks on it? And you're almost going like are you pulling this out of my toes? Plus after you're done all the charm is won't worn off and you just can't wait to fucking murder her. Yeah. Well, or leave. Yeah. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. You guys, that's when you realize that she's gonna become your next trophy in the old school.

You can't even, I'll tell you this, you shouldn't have pineapple today. Wooo! Someone eats a lot of celery. Wooo! That's a lot of Kamaloo. I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a

I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I was so non-attracted to her and she was like, she was like playing with her own, but she wanted to do more for sure. She was playing with her pussy. And I just came and I was looking down.

I wasn't attracted. That's why I said I had to learn about like looking at people I'm not attracted to. You just shouldn't do it. Like she need to both people. But a man is looking down at her. She was still going. She's like, and saying like sexy things.

Now I was like, I gotta go to the diner me my friends. That's so funny. I just gotta go. You ever given, I've never given head after you've came. E pussy? Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny.

Now I can jump back in though pretty good. I feel like it's my win. But the starting. That's my fast pit. It's my, it's my fastball. I feel like that's my four seam too. I'll fucking throw that all day, but like Not thinking you have to do it and then you're like oh

And then there's like that weirdness. We're like what's up? You're weird and then she's like I just thought I would come to you and you're like He's going down there now Christine Christine Christine, Christine as one of my, one of my, one of my own current lovers, we'll tell you that now making the girl, if she didn't come after I came, I'll do whatever to remedy that on my own self-esteem issues.

Christine, support that? Yes, that's true. Yeah, it's a very generous lover. So no, if a girl is like, I thought was going to come, I'd be like, you didn't. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh my god. I did something immediate. My the exact moment I'm talking about was I came very fast. It was just like a heated afternoon sex. And I was like, whoa, whoa. And then at the end, I was like, well, that got out of hand pretty quickly. And she's like, I was kind of hoping to come into

like, yeah, yeah. And I went down and finished the job, but it was the thing of like, oh, it's almost like you were scheduled on a double and you thought you were just working a lunch shift. Got you. Like, hey, I'm gonna go home and watch TV and they're like, hey, you're working dinner and you're like, I don't mind it.

I can use the money. And then, all right, and then, and then I got into it. But I'm saying the initial transition. No, the trade, when you're done, yeah well, I've learned almost what you're saying is we're almost saying the same thing is that I Try not to fucking come before yes the girl comes Yeah, I want to be last man first man there last man out. Yeah, I'd rather be like I'd rather be like

I rather not finish then finish first without her finishing. Oh, yeah me rather be like, I'd rather be like, I'd rather not finish then finish first without her finishing. Oh, yeah, me too. Because then I could keep going. So it's not a thing of I can, I can, I can still, you know, but then if you, but if you come so fast, you're like, show, I don't have Iraq, the schwa devive to want to do this. I mean, Christine, Christine has been an argument. It's more because she's like, she goes, it's fine. I don't have to come Christine. Christine have been in arguments more because she's like, she goes, it's fine. I don't have to come every time we have sex. I go, that's an insane thing to say.

Yeah, I dated a girl. I dated a girl. I dated a girl and it wasn't, I'm not blaming her or whatever, but she's very, very difficult to make come and it wore on me after a while. Where I'd be like, well, I got you. I got really close. And you're like, oh, sorry, my bitch.

It's okay, it never happens. Like, shut the fuck up. But then it's a guy that I'm sometimes difficult to make. Yeah, a therapist goes, whatever, dead kick your ass. Huh? I'm going to get a finger, yep. Maybe I'll put it on, leave it.

What is it? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah and family history and just not watching what the time's going. Female magneta. Female magneta. Happy Jacob. Lazy. That makes things better for you. So this was at a, this clip went viral. It's a woman at a, you know,

oh no, that's the woman going, batch it nuts. Damn it. That was a different lady. Are you that woman? Thank you. So this was in Ohio. It was an anti vaccine expert witness claims

that the vaccines causes forks and keys to stick to her forehead. And it's linked to 5G network towers. This is it? Is this the one? She's next. Don't worry. OK.

It's absolutely fantastic. We just, we made this, where we jumped off topic here was trying to prove your point, it's not working. Oh, this isn't the video. Do we know how weird this show went? Trying to prove something doesn't work. Like when you take your car to get fixed in a place and it won't make the noise, lead to buck,

having sex with your mom, but having sex with your mom, it took us straight to wherever the fuck this went. I love this show. And then we just finally got a traditional topic. Fuck, I sent that's a different lady. But let's hear that lady. Let's your multiple testimonies from fucking batch it women about the vaccine. Because I kind of enjoy having metal stick to me except in the government programming me. I don't even know if I watch this clip. I watched the other clip. But this has 5.5 million views. Well, this is probably it. Yeah. No, it's not it. The ladies do

It's a different lady Some of the information that I think had been discussed on your podcast related to EMF frequencies That was a thought and and it was because now because right now we're all kind of Hypothesizing I mean what is it that's actually being transmitted that's causing all of these things? Is it a combination of the protein which now we're finding has a metal attached to it? I'm sure you've seen the pictures all over the internet

of people who've had these shots and now they're magnetized and put a key on their forehead at sticks, they can put spoons and forks all over them and they can stick. Because now we think that there's a metal piece to that. There's been people who've long suspected that there was some sort of an interface and yet to be defined in the interface

between what's being injected in these shots and all of the 5G towers. Not proven yet, but we're trying to figure out what is- Imagine trying to have dinner with this lady. And you're like, okay, okay. You gotta find the one where the lady starts working. Yeah, the lady goes on herself., okay, okay. Now you got to find the one where the lady starts. Yeah, the lady goes on herself. And it's not working.

Any questions? Yeah, that's what she sticks it to her sweaty chest tits that will absolutely hold a key if anybody did that. And then she tries to do it to her neck. Oh, her arm. And it's just not work. You saw Jacob? No, I haven't.

Oh, God, we got I'm sorry. Christina sent you the wrong clip because the clip that we are looking on YouTube You can find a quick. Say lady tries to be lining up to get the vaccine if you had a superpower on but yes, I Definitely wouldn't want to be magnet for sure. I don't care. I want to fly dude. Dad doesn't care. He's an only child. I want the power to make the people Bay Hey, we want to give me the remote control. Hey, Dan, can you stop? You go, oh, Dan got mad at Lewis and he's lifting. I'm going to lie and Lewis is like, Hey, doggy.

I just have you all dark dark dark. Why is this? Dan said this on the show before, but worst superhero or superpower. It was the kid in the original X-Men who's only superpower was to change the channel without a remote. That was great if you're alone. That's good though. But really fucking annoying.

Honestly, that is that is neck that is top level power though When you're at the airport bar trying to watch something while you eat a quick hamburger. That's true But you put that TV on the That was a be a great power to great power back in the day of three channels UHF three channels network now if you can't jump to channel and you got to like do your power like 230 times to get to HBO. Yeah. That doesn't sound fun at all.

Here's this lady. We'll tweet this out at the bonfire SXM. This is so good. This is great. This is her. This is absolutely her. Yes, vaccines do harm people. By the way, so I just found out something when I was on lunch and I want to show it to you.

We were talking about Dr. Tenpenny's testimony about magnetic vaccine crystals. Positive again real quick. The way she breathes. What a nitwit this. She's bringing this up to the thing. I just found this out at lunch and I'm going to do a scientific example for you that if I could play devil's advocate, how many times I've heard something and turned around and act hyped to that, I knew it is a lot.

Okay. Me too You know what I found out that Hitler and Ava actually did move to Argentina. She's on that out at lunch Clearly by what happens here. She didn't try this a ton before she brought I go let's let's do the control experiment on the way Maybe in the Uber on the way to town this town hall you try this thing, we're not just going like, I'm told I'm magnetic. Look, that's what she does. This is the confidence that I would have to find out, to find out a fact to flirt with a hot girl. And I go, do you know that I just found out that?

Do you know we're all magnetic? You know that? Watch this, no, hang on a second. No, let me look at it for a minute. Just ballin' or there and she goes, okay. This is weird, can I go? Are you, I mean, are you in Baja? Are you working front bar?

All right, boy. This is one, I know I have no self control because if I was in one of the chairs behind her, just listening to this, I would laugh so hard, so loud in front of the whole area. Oh, Jacob, you said you haven't seen this shit, right? No You wouldn't you wouldn't be able to not wear Bring it back five seconds and then watch is there's no way you're not start right from her again

It's not she comes out of she's out of a cannon. Oh, and I learned something in lunch that would probably be shocking world news Up there with big foot world news up there with big foot being discovered. Yes, vaccines do harm people. By the way, so I just found out something when I was on lunch and I want to show it to you. We were talking about Dr. Tenpenney's testimony about magnetic vaccine crystals. So this is what I found out. So I'm like, Paz, they're all talking about you. Oh, you got to go back five minutes because she does the mouth of like, you ready?

Vaccine crystals, I think, so you're ready? Are you ready to shit your pants? She goes, buckle up, buttercup. You're about to have your guts blown off. All right, here we go. Vaccine crystals? So this is why I found out.

So I have a key and a bobby pin here. Oh. Okay. Explain to me why the key sticks to me. You're sweaty tits. Look, it sticks to my neck too. Nope. And nope. You got those.

Bobby pins a little bit lighter. Maybe that'll stick to the sweat. It'll be great. She's still, she didn't change it. Because if somebody can explain this, I'd love to hear that. Any questions, please put. Go back, go back. I'm sorry, I won't talk change it. So if somebody can explain this I'd love to hear that any questions please Go back. Go back. I'm sorry. I won't talk over it. I mean you can see she talked shit through it She goes you want to explain this you explain why it's not staying at all

It sticks to my knock-to Yeah, so if somebody can explain this, that would be great. So, you know, you're a fucking dildo. Yeah. You're a dildo. That, look at that. Okay, pretty cool. That.

I was really going to, I was at lunch and then I threw a football over those mountains. Yeah. You want to see? Guys, I just found out that the Loch Ness is actually a Nazi weapon that was designed. Anybody want to explain that? Anybody, any questions for anybody? Anybody? Anybody want to know? You know her. Time is a flat circle. I just learned that by watching True Detective Season 1. It's so good. Guys, I just watched an episode of Breaking Bad at lunch. And I think Jesse's the one that's actually the bad guy. Going in with fans. And yeah, yeah, did that lady has to go home?

Someone has to deal with her on a personal level. Oh, but everyone she knows agrees with her. You think there's a. I don't know. No, no, no, no, there's a. I don't know. I don't know. No, no, no, there's a sewing circle who definitely and they all talk that bitch. He is. I'm going to go tell these flat asses over there at fucking town hall. Yeah.

That we're fucking magnets now. All these stuffy losers that are on the city council that won't agree that we're just walking around being all. She goes. All right, key stays right there. Right there. No, look at this you believe this shit nothing got damn it I would have gotten so frustrated but third one that I would have started apologizing I'm sorry she from key to Bobby Ping is like well this is later maybe this will

stick to my next sweat you know what food then's right though maybe I don't I mean her husband got a no what a a lun imagine having to To live with her and just put up with this and she could tell she used to be kind of hot She used to be kind of hot but she does not and then her husband's like I don't know When she fuck she thinks she's doing you the favor every time she probably shuts her eyes and then doesn't realize she's writing weird What do you want to have me have me take me fill up take me right now take me what do you want to have me? Have me, take me, fill up, take me right now, take me. What do you want to go upstairs and have me? Oh, fill up, you're too busy watching your damn television shows.

You could take me upstairs and knock the metal out of me. What? Why don't you go in America? Yeah, dude. Oh, her husband. The heart breaking. Oh, my God. He's like, she thinks she's good.

She's thinking about it. She thinks she's metallic, now. Yeah. Yeah, Roger. We're all fucking magnets get down here. What? Bring the kids. He's got to be like, sorry kid your mom's gonna. She's got this thing. She's down. She's gonna bring your keys. I should have stayed at my high school sweetheart. He goes bring that a paper clip and show you around the world magnets where she's gonna fucking say we don't support her or anything she does. We all got the vaccine. Why is my son stuck to this giant magnet? She's like a hot, sourdler. She's got an active magnet. I got this acne magnet from my friend Wiley Coyote and my son is stuck to it. There's magnet fragments. it from my friend Wiley Coyote and my son is stuck to it.

There's, there's madman fragments. Dude, I, uh, I can't believe that that's just the, that lady thought that was important enough to walk in front of a city council and be like, and, and Mike drop them. The any questions, the answer to this must be obvious. The answer is must be obvious, but it's a dumb question. Maybe on my behalf, because it has to be yes. Has the internet brought enough good to the world for the horrible that it brings?

Yeah, I don't know. Like for ruining everything information wise that we actually need, the problems it's caused in the transfer and to that information, as it caused enough good. I don't know. I mean, like it's just,

I mean, like literally just the opposite of like the CDC will say something, and then by the time it gets on another website, it's like CDC says masks never helped ever anyway. It's like, did it really? And then you look, it's like, no. And say that. Yeah.

Yeah, they said CDC says burn your masks, and they're like, we've said, no, you should probably wear them for a couple more Yeah, I guess yeah, whatever seems shit. Well, I heard that Joe Biden raped a crocodile and Donald Trump is actually the president still You would explain why I magnetic all of a sudden man I mean if you felt you were magnet just to have your eyes goes you want to explain this? I want to explain why I'm a magnet if it was really happening she'd be I'd be freak to fuck out Oh

Let me a lot more of that yelling Look it And he's guys look what happened with my neck and it didn't work at all. Hold on. Letm Christine's gonna be with me Christine's gonna be hanging out go make sure you check out big J at McGubbies then he'll be in Orlando and Appleton, Wisconsin soon go to big J comedy dot com for tickets also if you're in the Philly area go get tickets to that Philadelphia show it's gonna be fucking awesome it's's, tickets are available now. If you go to bigjcomedy.com, you can get a link to it. Think, maybe.

I think so. So, Dan Soder is gonna be the kinetic comedy festival in Fairfield, kinetic hit June 18th, and then Soul Jols and Royars for PA June 19th. After that, you can catch him in Red Bank, New Jersey, the bellhouse of New York City, Dallas, and Sacramento for tickets and all tour dates go to dancer.com And also tell me the exact date because I'm known blog by solving announcement billions is coming back September 5th September

Fuck the back end of season five. Yeah, the back end of the dance soda At the Montfires exam. We love you, crew, Christine, DJ Lou, Black, Lou, Jacob, and Todd. On behalf of all of our stepfathers, we love y'alls. Tata, but we're not your real dad. Yeah, you're not my real dad. You've been listening to Sirius XM's bonfire! New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows, always on Sirius XM! you