The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Shit Just Got Real (w/ Joe DeRosa, Sal Vulcano, John Popper & Dave Burd (Lil Dicky

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

Joe Derosa Co hosts The Bonfire as he and jay break down the weird things they’ve seen family members and friends eat. Sal Vulcano joins the show and asks who everyone would call if the apocalypse started right at this moment, jay chooses John Popper. John Popper Calls in to discuss living through the apocalypse with jay and brings up some very good points. From our interview with Lil Dicky, Dave discusses his penis size and being friends with girls in high school.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire SXM.

Hey, it's Camberz, it's Black Blue glue and welcome to the bonfires best of the week on Monday Dan was the way shooting billions airing Sunday, May 3rd as Joe DeRosa joined J in studio The guys discussed the weird combinations of food that they've seen people eat What's the craziest thing your dad would eat? Oh? I've been everybody in here's got some nutty thing their father would eat. Dude, I told the first time I ever met Zach Alphanakis, I don't know why this happened, but we ended up drinking in a hotel lobby at Bonarou. The last night of Bonarou, it was just a few of us, was the first time I ever met him, and we were telling crazy food stories and I told this to him, and I'm setting it up

that way so I can tell you his response so we we can know that you know that you know that California. I know. We were laughing. It's my dude. So fucking hard. I go, my dad used to eat hot dogs out of the straight out of the package. God. Dude, here's a thing.

Technically it's just a thick hunk of baloney. Honestly, if you have baloney before which have. And I've enjoyed a shitty Oscar Meyer below you say, what's even in my life. But that's it. It's all, it's just a different shape of that. But it is the idea of it. It's fucking, I'd rather you show it my ass to be eating it. I'd rather you bury a cold hot dog in my ass.

I want a great game show to be. Would you rather eat a cold, would you rather eat a raw hot dog or fucking show it up your ass? That's every part of the show. That's the only thing. See, only you just bring on 100 people each week and it's quick. It's three hours long every week.

But now he goes. We got a three hour block on ABC. I go, I go, yeah, dude, no shit. I write that all the time. He pull them around the pack and just start eating them. And he, and he go, he wouldn't even cook them. And then that goes, haven't got the time he'd pull him round the pack and just started eating him. And he'd go, he wouldn't even cook him. And then that goes, having got the time. That's fucking funny.

Yeah, that's a pretty weird one. I feel like I've eaten a cold hot dog before. You're garbage. I've got pointy shit. Don't ever get it. By the way, every time we kiss for the rest of our lives, that's what I'm going to taste in your mouth. I think so have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time.

I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time.

I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time.

I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have a good time. I have to have mouth the words. Lonely. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you, this is my trash move. And I still do it to this day. I'll go to the supermarket. I only do it once every few months, but I'll get a hand cream for it and I can't help. I'll go to the supermarket. I will get the Oscar Meyer package of Bologna.

A thing of American cheese. That's low rent. But then I'll go and get real American cheese from the deli. White, and then I get a loaf of fucking wonder bread, and I do that mustard, that's it dude. I'll pound those fucking things man, no joke. My stepfather went through a baloney phase when I was younger, we always had a lot of baloney in the house. Did you?

I used to eat it so much, and then I just like stopped liking it and thinking it was gross one day. By the way, not Oscar-Mire, Beloney. My stepfather started it. He started his obsession with it. And last like, you know, months, it's all these things. We're like, a month so like the same thing. And he came out of, I think the Oscar-Mire, Beloney, because you only get like, like,

five, six slices of that. But they're thick, bro. There's no shit. Yeah. And it tastes like you're eating doll legs. But you would get that with bread and then it graduated onto deli sliced baloney. Thin, very thin almost.

Almost like shaved baloney. You know, it's after he would put a, and then you'd get into a mayo a little bit on it. I'll do that. My dad was heavy into baloney too. He graduated to beef baloney. He was getting German beef baloney towards the end of my staying at home. This is beef baloney always. I didn't like it. It didn't taste right to me. I like the beef baloney. He was getting German beef baloney towards the end of my staying at home.

This is beef baloney always. I didn't like it. It didn't taste right to me. I like the classic baloney. But I'll tell you this, what's classic baloney? What's it for? Just, it's like pork based, pork and chicken based. And then the beef baloney is like the higher quality,

but it's got a funcier taste to it. My grandfather used to do, I guess it's not that crazy. I never did it at the beef borscht where it was just a bowl of purple. And then he would, and all you eat, he would take a giant scoop of sour cream and put it in there. And then ultimately he was just eating sour cream

that would turn purple from the beat. But you know what I mean? It wasn't like, there was no, I didn't really get it. It probably doesn't taste that gross. Yeah. It probably doesn't taste gross, because it was just broth essentially. The coldness of it freaks me out

There's something about it being cold. I don't think I'd be I don't think I'd be grossed that by but I can eat it You can feel the fish would be gross if I didn't like it myself So my grandfather used to do sardine sandwiches Yeah, right out of the can onto the bread and pigs pickle pigs feet. That's horrific That's really really bad man That's awful. I don't like hearing that at all I've been already even forget the first thing you said that I had a relation to.

Oh, sardines. When I was younger, I definitely ate sardines and didn't think anything about it. And now, my mind, I'm like, who brainwashed me to eat when I can only describe it as like a fish with a face on it? Like, it's crazy. The cream cheese and sardines was a very,

like my grandfather's thing, too. Oh, cream cheese with it? I applied a friend. My friend my friend Randy Hanken used to bring Very Jewish used to bring the school like Sardines sandwiches and shit like that. Yeah. Oh Geez really yeah, I loved them when I was a kid. It's rough man to be cool and eat Sardines sandwiches in school I can still eat Sardines. They don't they don't bother me the thing my dad always loved that I can't understand And still hate to this day is unsweetened homemade iced tea I really started eating, they don't bother me. The thing my dad always loved that I can't understand and still hate to this day is unsweetened homemade iced tea.

Wow. I like that. Oh, so gross, it was his favorite. Yeah, I like that. He ain't but sugar in it. It's just that bitter water, it tastes like rag water. No, I like that with a little lemon. Sometimes for lunch with your sandwich or your soup

or something, it's nice. Christine, what did your dad had to have a weird thing? It's so gross and I don't know if it was from like growing up broke or whatnot, but he would do it. Just giving you the confession. My breast milk mixed with chocolate. No, no, no. No peanut butter and manny sandwiches.

Oh god, damn it. What is he? A little rascal. I don't know. I mean, I'm not the comedy peanut butter and banana I get. And by, I mean, like peanut butter and mayo and I've never, so I remember they're like, I should just try it one time to like see

if it's something where the flavor combination actually makes sense, but it's just disgusting. My, uh, uh, uh, you remember at Berk-Ryshers a house when we did his podcast, he said the nanor sandwiches, which is Mayo and, and he was like, and he had, uh, Lee and go make them, yeah, sure, go make them for us and she did, and she brought them out and we, but it was nothing I've craved ever again until it's moments. I'm starving.

How we're talking about all this food, but it's not, uh, but it was, it wasn't bad. And the idea of it sounded ridiculous. Yeah. Mayo, like, that's this guy's fruit sounds weird, but it was, it wasn't bad. And the idea of it sounded ridiculous. Yeah. Mayo, like, that's this guy's doing. Mayo and fruit sounds weird, but it was fine. Hey guys, it's Black Lou again. And on Tuesday's show, Salvo Conno stopped by and asked everyone who they would call first

to help survive the apocalypse. Then John Piper calls in and brings up some very good points on what to do next. Shit's gonna go down. Apocalypse is happening. You could choose one person from your phone context to help be by your side. I don't mean a love interest. I mean like who's gonna defend you? Okay, that's what I'm saying. You had to say for what we're going for here. Is this nothing?

This is pure survival friend post apocalyptic survival survival friend survival friend. Okay, because you're gonna have to make a few phone calls. You want to travel in a group anyway, but I get what you're saying. You get one drive. You're picking one, you're picking one, you're picking one, you're picking only for survival. You're getting someone who's beefed up, who might be able to protect you, or you're getting someone who knows how to start a fire.

In my phone, I'll tell you what, I might surprise you with this. My early school company. Before I think, no, you just said you didn't say good company. That's a different pick. Sure. You said survival in the... Okay, let's do two, ready? Survival and then. You said survival in the okay. Let's do two ready

Survival and then whatever you think you need the most okay outside of survival Like if it's a love interest so there's two people no still one person. It's it's one situation two scenarios So first is who's gonna help you survive? They have to be in your phone. All right. Well first the other person not the survival person Let me say the other person is going to be Christine or whatever chick. And then one's going to be Christine, right? Because for eternity and through the apocalypse or whatever chick. OK, but that's the easy answer.

So that's a given eliminate any, any, any partners. All right. So I don't have to, I was going to say my girlfriend, because I don't want to get in trouble. Sure. But then I'll, that's so happy. I'll be honest with you then I really enjoy your girlfriend a lot I like her a lot and I know through time of knowing her I'll get to lover That's a little early for her to be your pick right now for the apocalypse. You franchise tag. I'll tell you what dude

That wouldn't be her answer if she was asked behind closed doors Behind closed doors you bitch you monster behind closed doors. how would they be behind closed doors? You bitch you monster. Behind closed doors? You bitch you monster. I don't know if Christine would say me. You bitch you monster. I can't help her through this business if we're see after the apocalypse. It's a business to be had.

I'll tell you exactly who I'm gonna call. You can't produce in the post apocalypse. Big J. Olker said, if I can call anybody on my phone, I'm gonna call the bullshane dealist. Yeah. I would say. For survival, it's your survival guy.

Actually, my survival guy would be R.E. Shafir actually my survival guy would it be R.E. Shafir really? I know I think are you know nothing because of knowledge. No man. I've seen him take I've seen him take a shirt off and walk into the woods too confidently. It does man. He does that confidently because he doesn't care but he doesn't really know if there's a tick problem.

He doesn't have like a great solution on he's not a guy he doesn't bring a bag full of things you would need. I'd go for sale more for that sale The guy would have a fanny pack full of like The kind of cords we would need the bungee's Whatever I get my trunk of things that I've never used I swear to you so to me in Christine We've got a bag of car problem fixers that have never come up on a least brand new car nor would I know how to apply them myself if I needed them now I'm trying to think.

I can do a tie or I can change tie. Ari strength lies in the fact that he doesn't give a shit. So he's giving you a false. I'll tell you, he's reckless. I'll tell you, Ari's gonna get you fucked up. Ari's gonna walk you right, goes, oh, I didn't know I guess apparently that stuff we slept in last night was poisonous to human skin.

I mean, within my boring answer would probably be my friend Joel. Why is that? Well, now I just heard my feelings. Why I see a woodsman? Yeah. Colorado. It's from Colorado. Let me say I didn't get to see who my pick was right now

out of the gates, weirdly enough. Yeah. John Popper. John Popper is heavily armed. Great pick. He is heavily armed and he is like a guy. He's like a woods guy. He moved like, he lives like in the woods of Seattle.

You're a fox glimpse. Partner is John Pobber. Entertainers. Entertaining for survival. But also in my phone. I know. I don't know when he fucking marines. But Jay, that is a wild, that's a terrific answer.

Yeah. He begs many questions. Also you get four live in a fire. Yeah. You get the album four any night you're around a fire to go, can you just do the album for a lot? I bet he lives. Oh yeah. I think that himatic is not on him somewhere at all. He's like, no album for any night. You're around a fire you go can you just do the album? I bet he lives oh yeah You think that him Monica's not on him somewhere at all

No, no for any of you for sure. He know multiple Multi-man I have several John pop up harmonica's dude. Yeah, what kind of lives are you to? I work with him on Z rock and we just became buddies and then because he's friends with Jay He gave me a harmonica. Yeah, is he does he still have the same chops? Oh yeah. He does. Oh, we went to go see him in concert. Yeah, surgery. But he didn't, the sound of his voice change due to that. Not at all, dude. He's great. Wow. He's really good performer. What a good answer then. And I'm telling you, what's the listen, I bet he's got a sick house. And I'm not talking about, I bet he's got a bunker. Before, I bet he is a bunker. He's got a sick house. So before we have to worry about even making

moves, which I'm sure he's got some sort of terrain We're in Phibius vehicle. Yes, but you just get me mine. Okay, but first of all I'm saying we're Right when we're holding up. Yeah, we're defended out the ass It's got it arrested for like he they opened his trunk and it was like a fucking John Wick movie Remember that when you got arrested. No, why would I remember that you bring that up? I was like big MTV news really yeah, yeah, he's fascinating. I didn't know that yeah he got to put he had like an arsenal. They said it is fucking Trump. Wow pretty bad ass dude My mind my my thing is not I don't mean any offense to the person I'm gonna say but it's kind of pitiful because I was trying to say

Who do I know that camps? That's what I said that's what I said. And the only person I know that is inviting me camping to ice his Bobby Kelly, but it's like clamping. It's not really. We do not. No. You're, you're state your life on the wood knowledge of Bobby Kelly. I want to get him on the phone too and say that he might

be your pick. Is this possible? No, I'm changing it. Oh, it was going to be Bobby Kelly. Maybe it will be for comedy, but when you said one thing it queued me, you said a bunker and something I got an amphibious vehicle. And now I remembered I will be for comedy, but when you said one thing, it queued me. You said a bunker and something like that. And Fivious vehicle. And now I remembered I will be picking Stone Cold Steve often.

Oh, you got Stone Man. You guys got such good. He has so many. He has so many vehicles. Joel, I love you, but you're not John Popper or Stone Cold. Dude, that's funny if the six of us were together. And he's like, I'm good. So thanks for picking me up.

Jay, John Popper, love the album. Sodor, Bonfire, it's pretty goddamn great. Goal. Hey, Dan, don't do this, dude. I'd tell you that, that Billion's ginger, I'm sure he's got an assistant that can start a fire or something. Damien Lewis.

He's a good man. Yeah. Why don't you go in for help? Do you have any? Do you have any? Never got good English, man. I'm more of a man. I don't have this number. You don't? No, I don't ever, I don't ever film in for help? Do you have any? Do you have any? Never got to English me where I'm from. No, I don't have this number.

You don't? No, I don't have any. I don't have a film with you, buddy. Yeah, that's right. I see my table reeds and I'm still re- I'm still re-ducks, I'm such a big fan. Hey, he's like, how are you? I'm like, yeah, I have to figure it out.

I'm good. Is he something Justin's over? Yeah, you're like, don't. You're like, don't. I knew like, don't. Hey, how's it going, you guys? Good, John. John John I love the whole music on this thing pretty bad ass, huh? Yeah, we'd like to swing it up John it's Dan Soder. I we said that we brought up like there's one if there's one person in your phone On your contact list that you could call for help for the apocalypse and

You were big J's choice. You were my first choice, dude. Well, I appreciate that. It depends what you need, but sure. Well, I assume you'd be able to handle all of the masculine things that I would turn like a, I'd go like, yeah, I can't do that. I can't skin a deer. Kind of like you, J.

I'm sort of like make friends with a strong guy. Oh, no I thought I got I got plenty of like ordinance, but you know You just get a big strong guy to come behind me and you just take it all yeah Well, we can we can make slate we can get our own like weird so we can make Dan and people like that our slaves I make him cut things he said he can grab fish But what does ownership mean in a dystopian future? It's got a good, yeah, it's a very good point. That's a very good point. I got to be honest, John, I thought you were going to rate it just like, just hunker down with me.

And I thought we were going to go to your place. It's not encouraging. I assume your place is sick. To be fair, if you're really going to be a real like, you know, the end of the world guy, you're not going to brag about it. You're right. You're going to keep it real locked up. And everyone's showing up to your place.

Yeah, because it's, you need the bunker that no one knows about. John, do you have a bunker? As far as you know, everything in my house is covered in coronavirus. Yeah, smart. You're like a halibut. You cover yourself in mucus. So no one touches you. I didn't play in sight. Yeah. I pictured you have a you you have a mansion, but like you're preparing enough that even all the furniture in the mansion is made of like the buckets of like gym baker food. You know, he sells you food for the end of the world.

I gained a cuckoo clock. I mean, like the world's huge log cabin. Do that be badass? It's perfect. Did he grab a badass of the blues travel logo? The cat, he just pulled one of the whiskers and it just opens up a thing and a stairwell deep into the earth. The problem is you have to keep killing work and it will only be a part of it so no one knows exactly the extent of your bunker.

Now I truly believe you have one because you thought this out. That was my boy. There's someone who's missing a family member right now that everything just got solved. You know what? 15 dead migrant workers. Actually what you do is you have the first guy build you an oven, so then you can get rid of the bodies. It's also, you get him to pay your driveway, and if you spread him out thin, it's like seven guys. Damn, I love the way you think.

You know what, my mind was non-disclosure, but it took me to the NBA. It's how it goes. I don't really fucking legally, I don't think. It is full of protein, I mean, when the hard times come, it's not like you're eating food for flavor. I gotta tell you what John you're I'm gonna I'm gonna take this wink wink you're given about all the things you don't have and skills you do not hold and I'm gonna still say John Popper's my number one go to. It's great. It's a

cookbook. It's a cookbook. I'm still going with Joel. Yeah, Dan's going with his friend Joel from Heist. There you go. Salpick Stone Cold. So lots of livestock that you could kill in the night. I think that would be the first place I've had. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Sal said his pick was Stone Cold Steve Austin at his phone.

Oh, that's good. See, now I go with that guy. Yeah, I can lift stuff. Oh, don't worry. I'm just going to follow follow around like a lost dog so called to get this big headed guy away from me i don't like it falling down the street that's right

they figure in a pocket you want to you're going to try and move from one place to another or else you're going to hunker down yeah so where you trying to go or why are you trying to hunker down is got to be your question john that's an excellent question my question i would want a bunker built into a mountain norad style now man i'm telling me and john are holding the fort down with a a bunch of heavy artillery with plain harmonica telling stories by a fire yeah we needed

objective though i mean if you're just endlessly holding on and you're living in a mountain your downside is you're living in a mountain That's pretty cool. I've got so many stories Dude even though I'm doing 13 hours a broadcast a week man. I got stories for days If I got a generator Jay, it's just you and me left that means I have to listen to all of your broadcast because you're making them for somebody Yeah, that means that puts a lot of pressure on me as an audience. I really does Your only demo. I now have to listen to a whole lot of your podcasts.

And there's too many weapons lying around for that to, you know, eventually we're just going to kill each other. I can't wait till Jay has a Wilson, but it's Lewis. You just have like a ball and like a pineapple's Dave. You just have like a tennis racket to me. And you're like, hey, what do you think? It's just silent. John's watching you and you go, yeah ha, yeah, that's like fame.

I'm doing desert island broadcast. Yeah, I can give you a head. Yeah. You want a Wilson that'll blow you. That is true. A fuckable Wilson. That's gonna be crazy if you're any volleyball you want really.

If there is an apocalypse, then you just, you go by one of those sex toy, you know, like with a little doll might be your best bed in the apocalypse like what if tom hangs with like uh... in that same movie only had a real doll yeah he'd have been arguing with it after a couple days tried leaving the island yeah he would have got fed up with her eventually and he's gonna lay there

again he's gonna starfish it again be able to have sorry there's no other guys for you on this thing hey campers this is DJ Liu. DJ Apprentice Liu. I'm Thursday's Lost Habe, Stan and Jay came in early to tape with Dave Bird, aka Little Dickey. They talked about his new show on FX, Dave, and also about his fucked up penis. Do you get a lot of this must be the case,

like the girls from high school that are now like, remember me from high school? Remember I never talked to you in high school? What's up? Well, not really, not really. I mean, no, cause I was always like, I was always kind of like a popular kid. Like I just wasn't the guy that got girls,

but like I wasn't getting the women, but they knew, I still was like best friends with all of them. Yeah. It's like, they weren't like, there's not a situation where like, people that I didn't know came and been like, hey, remember me? I think people are just happy for me. But even the ones that were your friends, do they like, I've always surprised we never hooked up in high school. Yeah.

There's like one or two girls that like, I always like, like, love that I have hooked up with since and that's cool. I was gonna say, go back and conquer. I feel, I feel good. Yeah, it feels good to know that like, they're just going through the channels. There's like one or two girls that I always like love that I have hooked up with since and that's cool. I feel good to know that they're just going through the channels and then FXX hits and they're like, oh, they're sweet. Yeah, I'm arriving as a sexual figure. I think all funny guys are in the same tier in high school where you can be friends with the guys that get girls, but you're like fourth tier where you're the ones making them

like. No, you got to like, guys like us have to be like best friends with a girl for three years before they realize. Wait a minute. Do I like this guy? I'm in a fight. And it's Ivan. Yeah. It's job at the comedian. How many times you've just made a girl like laugh all nice, your buddy can then go.

It's like, all right, we're gonna go dip off in the other room here for a minute. You're like, I guess my job is to play your PlayStation. You go fuck this chick. I remember being the constant fifth wheel. Would they be like, hey, Soda's got a joint, and you'd be like, smoking and making them laugh, and then like, all right, we're all gonna go fuck, and then you're like, I'm gonna go play PS2. I was like the last guy to every single base.

The story of my first kiss was like, I was like 13 or something, and I was like the only person of the male friend group that hadn't kissed a girl yet, and the girls were like hey Kiss him and she was like I don't want Uh, and then they were like no you shouldn't and then she was like I won't really like and then they're like Let's talk about and then went to the bathroom for 10 minutes and like talked and then it came out and the girl was like

Okay, I'll kiss you like that Look they're just empty your pockets, everybody. Like war generals around a table of a map and like you kiss them, we can dominate. I just remember tongue, the couldn't believe them. I felt a little disgusting. Like I felt like bizarre to touch tongues with someone. Now I like it.

Now I like French kissing. You come around to it. At the time it was giant. That would be the headline of this interview. It would be Dave and Joyce French kissing now. And you'd be like, what a central guy. I was almost the same exact story. I was like 13 and I was the guy,

I hung out with all the bad kids that were like doing cool shit. And I was just the one that was like scared to do that stuff. Also known as a pussy in middle school. But when I got my first kiss with like the girl I was dating, it was just in a park in front of a playground, and it was just like a quick smash in and then walked away

and I told my best friend I was like, she seemed to get some and he was like, you didn't get some. You're like, I got my first hand job at a park. I came into the ground. Like up and into the ground, we're down, shot into the ground. What if you went back now and there was a tree? A beautiful willow. I was like a, so old for, I mean I was like a senior in high school getting my first

hand job. I just get popped off in the park. Because I have a fucked up dick so I was like very like insecure about it. What do you mean like? It's wrong with it. Oh my dad so much. Like what really? Are you doing this bot like structural?

I do structural my life too. Do you oversell the negative so when you put out they go, I is not bad. I think Wim, I've learned I've learned that women like don't, A, they don't really know, it's all a dick to the end of the day. But I could pull like YouTube guys aside and show you and you'd be on the ground, hysterically crying laughing at the things I could show you about my dick. All like the different functions, like an iPhone?

It's just, it's what you got a walkie circumcision. I first off, I came out of the womb, I had a tangled your wreath where they they immediately just emergency surgery to like fix my things. So yeah, everything. Yeah, all this stuff and so yeah, I did you know watch the show to find out the info. To get the full dossier. Yeah, but so that's like you know that was always a I would be scared like I remember the first time I had sex. Yeah, it wasn't like Oh my god, I'm having sex. My thought was like oh my god, you're dick functions Yeah, you have a functioning dick like you could actually it can work in go in a girl and like not like break and like I thought my dick would like break Fuck yeah, I'm actually thin Jewish kids in my neighborhood hangers hammers. Yep

Well, I you know, I have like an honestly my my girth is rock solid. Okay. I've measured I've measured everything so I have a 90th percentile girth if you do. Wow you can. But 10th percentile length. Alright. So 50th percentile dick with an antichinocanol like that. You're a power hitter. Yeah. I come in. Yeah, I'm doubles and homers. He's just fucking just dropping at the morning track. Yeah, a lot of strikeouts. Has a woman upon first seeing it had a highly negative reaction? No, the only time any girls ever noticed anything was the first time I ever showed it to a girl. And that was really scarring.

Yeah, because it kind of like, wait, and then I was just like, oh no. It's true. It's true. Yeah, that's got to be hard, isn't the book? And then I was just like, oh no. It's true, yeah. It's true. Yeah, that's gotta be hard, especially on the first show. I used to be, you know, incredibly, like controlling the lighting at all times. Like, I would like be dating girls for years, without them even knowing they haven't even seen my dick because I was just like a maniacal in terms of like the lighting.

I'm like, when I walk out of a room, I'd be like, all right, I'll just catch a little. I'll wipe you. I like to turn my, you know, and it's like, you gotta pick like back acne or fucked up, dude. Yeah. How are you gonna light this thing?

I'm gonna sit in a room. I swear to you, if my friend, like my dick, had the length enough to really just pull out of a zipper, I would do that. But it's part of the insecurity, is that I'd be, you go full body suit? Yeah, you're gonna get that zipper inside you before my dick buries in.

Oh yeah, I could never fuck a gr- through a zipper, yeah. That's crazy. That's why I've always been intrigued by porn videos, car blow jobs. I couldn't imagine that seems to go to be like, impossible, we uncomfortable. Well, when I'm sit, like when I'm like this, if I had a boner, it's like,

yeah, it's too insistent. You just like, just lick the, you should lick it like it's like, it's a thing on a surface. It would almost be like you were having a fucking pig in a blanket with jean on your face. It would be the only way. I feel like she'd be trying with everything

to get out of my zipper and then my belly would be pushing her head into the horn. Dude, I don't think girls can understand that if you're sitting as a man, you can make your dick disappear in you. It's like I can't, like even sex from the side. Like when I try to fuck from the side, I like lose my whole dick.

Yeah. Like my balls like. This is my girlfriend Christine. We've had this argument plenty of times. She was, I really just, she's told me stories in the past she goes and then the guy just woke up in the morning and started having sex with me sideways. I really like that.

She gave me a lot of hints and how much she likes that for nine years and I'm like, yeah, I can't do it. Speed on my capabilities. There's nothing worse than like trying a sexual position only to realize you can't do it because your on my capability. There's nothing worse than trying a sexual position only to realize you can't do it because your dick's not long. No, no, no. Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

You gotta shut it down. Stop, stop, stop. You're having a girl, I mean, wildly and frivolousy riding on top of you. I don't think I'm ever like, you start feeling that she's getting up, you're gonna come off this thing and break in half when you crash your tank down on it. I'm very like my dick is made of like minst me

I Need like very slow delicate sex. Yeah, I almost I almost helicopter parent a girl when she's riding me We're I'm like watch out no I've heard there was a UFC fighter who's boner snapped in half. Yeah, I saw that I've seen we've seen broken dick stuff It's like it's like a trellab blood and they interview them after and he's like yeah, man Like I guess she must like they literally his quote was she must have gone higher than eight and a half inches Oh, yeah, you still get this big

They deserve to have your own Girls up. Yeah, I tell you because I think you're standing up and then came right back down on it Girl getting getting loose on top is a scary one for me I always get I get very hands on her thighs I'm on it. Girl getting loose on top is a scary one for me. I always get very hands on her thighs. I'm telling you, I hold them. Yeah. I was like, no, do the thing where you just move your butt forward and back.

That's like this crazy, we try it. But somebody filming us from behind. I need you to dog scoot on my butt. I like the last movement to better. Like if I could just lie and just be still. Just, you know, not even moving just like just sit there and that's like my dream. Do you want to soak?

That's what the Mormon kids do. So they lose their relits, so they don't lose their s**t. And if you can just cough twice in 10 minutes, I'll be done. There you go. There you go. I love you. I just soak in and in.

Just a nice hot tub soak. Hey, it's Big J. Algrison, and I hope you enjoyed this week's best of the bond fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 p.m. Eastern on Comedy Central Radio Series XM95 or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at SexM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.