The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Short King Saved Your Life

Episode Date: May 27, 2025

Bob is upset that Jay doesn't know any names of his brothers and sisters, so Jay tries to guess what they are. | The P Diddy trial is in full force and the guys have questions: Was Cassie into kinky sex or a victim? Why was Jay Z hanging out with young children and hugging Diddy? Would you let a famous person watch your child? | Black Lou gets mistakenly identified as a vile criminal when he visits Philadelphia. | Jacob has a hypothetical chance to get tall and cure children of cancer. | Jay gets his nails done yet again and Mike Finoia murders a large snake. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Olkerson and Robert Kelly Jay is in some traffic. He's he's getting into the He's figuring out the suburb life There he is. Oh, come on. You made it, baby I made it baby. You made it baby. Did you run from the parking lot? But did you walk fast walk fast you walk fast? Yeah, never run There's no point coming in and being miserable. No, there's no point of running cuz you look silly Walk fast. Walk fast. You walk fast? Yeah. You never run. There's no point in coming in and being miserable.

No, there's no point in running because you look silly. I will look silly. Yeah, walk fast. You look like you have something to do. Yeah, right now I look silly. Yeah. You look stupid. You got red cheeks.

You guys are getting crazy with the lights while I'm gone. Well, we turned the lights on because Dracula was not here. Turn those down a little bit. Make the man feel at home. Not that far. I want to see each other. Oh, yes. Hi, buddy. Hey. Jesus Christ. We just met. Ten those down a little bit make the man feel at home Not far Hi, buddy

Hey, we just have in Christ. Nobody knew anything about my life. Like they didn't know I had a baby brother and a baby sister Yeah, you guys didn't know that J. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa sister. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa Whoa Pump the brakes. Yeah Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Pump the brakes. You know I have a baby brother and baby sister, right Jay? Patrick. What? That's my middle name. Right.

You know my brother, my little brother. Of course dude, Michael. No, his name's not Michael. I know. That's my uncle Michael. No, that's my middle name. Oh Shit my my sister older sister Lisa. We won't you gotta let me say her name. So okay. All right Well, I'll give you my older sister. She had kidney transplant two of them. Uh-huh. Okay, so

Tracy Morgan didn't she give Tracy Morgan a kidney. No, she needed a kidney. Oh From Tracy Morgan, right? Yeah, she's moving her a Oh. From Tracy Morgan. Right. Yeah. Tracy Morgan gave her a kidney. Now she just says the N-word and loves the Knicks. Yeah, that's Lise. Classic Lise. Yeah, classic.

And then your younger brother. Oh my God. Are you kidding me? Did you guys ever? John, John. No, there's no John. I have an older younger sister and a younger brother. Right.

I know their names. What's their name? What's my sister's name? My younger sister. That's Patrick. No a it's a woman yeah no yeah but Irish people don't they do okay a little so Jennifer no it's a Jennifer I wouldn't know they see no Stacy's in my family it's Irish oh right Gwenevere no that's not an Irish name. Gwenevieve. No, that's a fucking Europe name, that's a UK name. What's that ginger, Florence, is her name Florence?

No, it's not Florence, she's not Italian. Is it the machine? No. Okay. Oh my. Oh, Marie. No, that's Italian, you studnats. Maria.

No, that's more Italian. Oh, Dottie. That's my Aunt Dottie, you're getting closer. Aunt Dottie, Aunt Peggy. Aunt Peg you get it. I thought he on Peggy on peg we do about on peg You know I peg she shits with the door open No, it's an old her no, it's old her no, it's that was back when your sister I am my sister Susan Susie auntie Susie's on the daily side. Oh, I don't talk. I. Oh, I'm gonna confuse the daily side with the Kelly's. Right, okay, no. Just the Donlin.

Right. Yeah. Oh, Donlin, okay, so. And this is from my second stepfather, Larry, who passed away. You know my father passed away, my stepdad. Stepfather that was a good stepfather. Great stepfather. Larry. He passed away, right.

He's gone. His two kids with my mom, you know their names. Of course. You know I have. Well, they're very Irish, So of course, I know the names It's uh, you've met them. Yes, sir. Say sir. Say sir say sir Is that what is that means sure say what is your say s no? Oh Okay, I his hey. All right. Listen first one my brother's name. You know my brother's name

That's I'm not gonna waste my time with that one So I'm going for the sister cuz because I already know the brothers, dude. Okay, my brother. I don't have brothers. It's not plural, it's singular. Well, there's one, this lease is the older sister, and then one little brother.

I have one little brother. Little, fucking. Not that little, he's bigger than me. Well, that big, galoot fucking. Yeah, he's a galoot. You're getting closer. We call him Gus? No.

We don't call him Gus. I'll give you a hint, he's a redhead. Oh, that does make it easier. Sean. Nope. That's make it easier Sean. Nope Sean uncle Sean nope All right, come on all right Donlin Connor Borsetti is the last name. Oh

But they're from the okay, just Carlo. No not Giancarlo. He's Carla. No no it's a boy No, not Giancarlo. Giancarla. No, no. It's a boy. Oh, we're going for the boy again. Okay. All right. So he's Irish as hell.

Oh my God. This guy's so Irish, it's crazy. He's a redhead. He's an Italian redhead. Oh God. Last name Borsetti. Marinara. Marinara?

Marinara. You think my father named his, myfather name of the sauce we're good We're good like a cheese, so we're going back to Irish cabbage Why are you saying food corned beef Kelly? No, no, that's his nickname, but no that's okay. Okay. It's not Kelly That was my nickname listen. Okay. I got this this is there's only so many names. Oh god Can I go I didn't want that can I can I tell you cheats? She did what do you say Andrew? That's his name. I know he cheats you man. I want to keep guessing that kills the funny Okay, Jacob your instincts were horrific there. You have radio instincts

We don't have the sister yet. We know the sisters Andrea. No Andrea. No, it's Italian I mean, he is a tag. They are Italian Irish. They're Italian Irish. So it's a Anita Nope, I'll tell you give you a hint the Red Sox used to sing a song in the game When Roger Clemens came out? Caroline that's it Hmm, that's her name. You could just said they Neil Diamond song. I could have said that but why there's only the one everybody dude I threw the sports in cuz you know, I like so I only know a few things. I just major athlete major athlete

Andrew and Caroline. Oh my god. Nobody you guys didn't even like investigate me when I got this gig Well, you know I have Three brothers and two sisters what all younger than. Is that why you have different fingernail polish for each one? For each one. Don't act like you don't like that. Eee. Hey, buddy, what are their names?

I'm gonna stop, I'm gonna stop. I kinda do like the black and white. Yeah. I'm gonna be doing my toenails on Thursday. Yes. Because we're going to Aruba on Friday. Love it. And Don doesn't want my gross toenails shown to anybody.

Can I tell you something I learned this weekend? You learned how to- Matt, Matt Black. God damn it, I wanted to guess. Oh, you're gonna guess in a second, don't worry, because you have five people to guess right now. My siblings, who I speak about very openly. No, I wanted to guess what you learned.

I thought it was how to take anal without going, ah! No, no, no, I'll never get past that. The initial shock's always gonna be something. Yeah, I'm the same. But the deeper you get inside though, I am far more accepting than I thought I would be. Yeah, me too dude. It's weird how you can actually swallow.

If you swallow twice, like that, and it actually lets it go up a couple more inches. Oh absolutely. Yeah, yeah, because it's like biting down on wood. Like Matteo said, technique's everything. I'm gonna come, did he say that? No. What, did he look up at you and say that?

Technique's everything. He goes, Bobby, I can make you come in two minutes. Technique is everything. You can make me come in two minutes, I'm gonna come should he say that no He's Bobby I can make you come in two minutes technique is everything maybe come in two minutes He let me just take a shirt off Let me see I'm gonna come over and show you right Jay's walking over to me right now to show me his fingernails For some reason you see okay. Yes The white is white it is very white Okay, yes. The white is white, it is normal. The white is white, it is very white.

Look at the black matte black, not shiny. You have matte black? Can I just stop right here? You have the most adorable little baby fingernails. These little bad boys? They are so perfect. You should be an esthetician. Oh my god.

I do like the matte black. I'll tell you what it is. it's the white and then the little black one on the pointer finger is I don't mind I do not mind it's it's a loring I would say I'm not sexy I think you're a good-looking guy I wouldn't say sexy I would say a loring and fascinating and interesting but kind of sexy it is kind of sexy I don't want to say it but if you're gonna force me to say it I'll say it talk Who talked you into Matt Black? His instincts.

What happened? Who talked you into Matt Black? Hey, Jacob, he's not wrong. Your new guy? My instincts. Yeah, his. No, I was on the road in Cincinnati and my nails were just dreadful. So, I found a place, slapped up the eyebrows while I was there there too, and I went and I said I was gonna do all

White I wanted to be all white one black and then I was thinking I was like is there any way for the black to? Not be that's what makes me look like a fat goth girl. Yeah when it's all shiny now You look like a fat Cruella. They said exactly like a sea witch But they could just put a different top on the nail polish and make it this cool matte finish. Can I say something? When I'm on the road and I'm with other comics and I'm like, hey, dude, let's go get lunch

or let's go smoke a cigar. Are you like, hey, guys, I'm going to get my nails done and my eyebrows done, yeah? Do they? Yes. Are they like, let's go well it depends you know I think you've met Shayna Robani before she went and got her nails done with me okay she yes she she there you go I don't go on the road like

Fanoia will knock it his nails done with me so either way till he went and did something else yeah well that guy needs a fucking talk I'm mad at him why I'm mad at Fanoia because he murdered a snake. Yes Are you mad about that because that's the most unmanly thing you could have done to send it back to hell. It's First of all snakes are not from hell. I thought it was extremely manly that he cut the fucking head off of a snake I that I would not have done that at all. I'm a little disappointed. I was gonna go over there Yeah, I was gonna call him on Saturday. They're like, yo, I'll come over on Sunday early. We'll get the snake out We'll put it in a little bag, we'll relocate it, and maybe you'll get

a little used to snakes. Maybe you won't be so scared of it. And I'm sure. You're supposed to be scared of snakes. You're not supposed to be scared of snakes, especially ones that aren't venomous. They don't hurt you. They don't even want anything to do with you.

It'll squeeze you to death. It's not gonna squeeze you to death. Rat snake's constrictor. Do you think one of that snake could wrap around either one of us? It was 10 feet long. It's not 10 feet. That thing was crazy huge.

It's not crazy, you keep, it's not 10 feet long. You told me it was 10 feet. That's not 10 feet. I thought 100% somebody was gonna capture it and release it. Yeah, you catch that thing and throw, give it to somebody on a farm to kill the rats or something. We are different, I celebrated it.

I celebrated the murder. I was so sad when he showed the photo. Look at that beautiful snake. Shit dude. That is pretty as all hell. It's called a rat snake. Because it eats the rats. Jacob would love to have one at his house.

Oh my God, we could have gave it to Jacob. We could have dropped it. Just let it loose in your backyard. Well then it would have eventually ate people because it would have been so full on rats, it would have grown enormous size. It would have been your friend. Isn't there a movie about that?

Yes, except me. What's that movie where there's a friendly snake? Is it a snake? I think you're thinking of Ben the rat. Oh sorry, I'm sorry, yeah, yeah. The opposite of what I wanted. Why don't you become friends with a rat? That's what he's trying to say.

Maybe this is part two where the snake is the guy. Maybe. And you get friends with that who eats the rat. Jacob, did you bat around the idea, have you tried yet singing the song, Bend to One of the Rats, and see if it connects with you? Doesn't work. What is that song?

Bend, the two of us need look no more. Michael Jackson? Yeah. Maybe you should try singing that. We both found what we were looking for. Listen to the sequel, Willard. Huh? Willard is the sequel. I don't think it's a sequel. Cut that off, cut that off, cut that off. Maybe she's nice both found what we Huh Lord is the sequel I don't think it's a sequel cut that off cut that off cut that off I believe it is we try to be jammed up to how I raped and fucked those children Jesus Lou you would just love to have my ass jammed up tried to jam me up

He's playing what it is. I don't know what it is, but you love jamming my ass right up, dude You want to see it jammed up? I. I was really sad when I saw that. And I know he was like, I did it, but you did that. Well, you were sad for one reason only, because I told you that you were like, I'm thinking about going over there and taking the snake, because I'll take it and put it around my neck and walk out of there.

And if you do that, I will just bow and put my hand out to you. You will now be our leader. I was, I, that was. You will be my leader if you, if I see you pick up a snake off the ground Yeah Just a snake that big just take it off the ground and just put it on your neck

Let's get this guy out of here. There was a big part of it Controlling you yeah, I was gonna go over there Sunday Go in there grab it by the tail Let it calm down put it around my neck and walk out on video and be like, let's take this somewhere else I pledged my complete servitude to you and you I you believed it, I told you, I'm not kidding. If you do, because I don't believe you'll do what you say you're gonna do there. If you did that, I would have absolutely,

I would have submitted to you completely. I was taking it to Wayne, New Jersey and I was gonna show up like Conan the barbarian. Already wearing it. Around my neck and be like, Jay, bow to me. And I would have. And get me snacks. Gatorade's for you now. You got the zeros She got it for you It was like I think it was a 24 pack but three flavors. This is why I love you guys

You don't fuck around when it comes to snacks No, you find out what people like and you get it to have it. You don't fuck around when it comes to snacks No, you find out what people like and you get it to have it. You don't fuck around You don't fuck around you guys don't fuck around now. Mm-hmm. And don't think I didn't see your outdoor fridge Stocked perfectly. It's getting there. You were meant to be famous. No, you were really? Yes Say the universe say it in the universe. I'm meant to be famous. I should uh, I Should get a we should load our fridge up with Siroc. That's gotta be cheap now, right? What is that? P. Diddy's?

P. Diddy's booze? P. Diddy's booze? Oh yeah, I guess, yeah. Why don't they have any pictures? I wanna see him with his gray hair. It's gonna be so funny. He's gonna age 30 years in one picture. Is that what he said?

He has gray, all gray hair. Yeah, they have all the cartoons. All the drawings of him are gray haired. So I have to assume, yeah. I still heard he's pimping the clothes though and here's the thing with the trial is that they were coming out and it was kind of hammering them and then they showed the text message back for this girl and She was into it. It's AI Christine. She was she you didn't know that was AI That's our Senial Hall

Coming to America. I don't even think it is that's Keith Robinson. This is AI. That's Keith Robinson After a stroke when he couldn't put the dye in himself didn't get gray. Yes, of course I didn't see his gray hair at all. You never think about like this is a guy who was like Jay times 10 with the manicuring manicuring and he's in prison and just Everything's going to hell. He can't do anything. No dying hair. Aw, poor baby.

I know, it sucks, right? I do feel terrible for him. Well, I'm sure he's still rapable. Wow. But she actually, they actually showed a piece of shit she was in the last couple of days. I don't know if you've been following it. Cassie? Cassie, because, so shit she was in the last couple days. I don't know if you've been following it Cassie Cassie because

So her husband's in the court and they're reading the shit back. She left what didn't she leave the courtroom? No he They read a text thread where? Where he was like, you know, we got it. I wish that we could do another freak off like the first she's like I don't want to she's like I would I want to do another freak off No, there's no be a last freak off and she's like I don't want it to be the last I want it to be like the first so she was still talking to P. Diddy about fucking getting banged out and Doing a freak off while she was married to this guy. Yeah, the new dude the white corny dude

Yeah, and he was in this, he didn't know. He didn't know any of this shit. So he's finding out that his very, very pregnant wife loves freak-offs. Loves them. I thought Christine used to love freak-offs. Well, you had freak-offs, but they weren't really freaky. No.

No, it wasn't like five dudes. No. You weren't in another room with a bandana rubbing cum on your nipples. Were you? Yeah, that I was. Oh, you were? Okay, sorry. But that's not a freak-off make.

No, it doesn't. I'll freak out. So all the, all the, but they're reading her text messages back, like his side of it, and she's into all, like she was, all the stuff she's talking about, she's into it. She was like, I love it. I want more. And so it's kind of like, I love it, I want more. So it's kind of, I don't think it's a cut and dry where he was holding her hostage,

making her do a lot of this shit. There's a lot of this stuff on the other end with her text messages, like I'm kind of into it, I like it. She's like, ooh, when I get home tonight, daddy, can you drag me down a hallway and kick me in the ribs and beat the living shit out of me? He was like, I don't know I don't want to do that anymore She goes yeah beat me beat the shit. I mean like the last time I bet this video of you doing that to Christine in

the hallway of your old building Bobby if life showed my dream bubbles for sure If life showed dream bubbles, you'd have so many videos of me kicking down on a very small flight of stairs. If we could somehow AI my dream bubbles, oh my God, I've beaten Christine up and down the Empire State Building stairs. I beat her up those stairs and then I beat her right back down. I would Theo Von Don every morning.

Where's the coffee? How about the Theo Von thing becoming so if you don't know Well, we guess we should give context for everything if you don't know P. Diddy's a mogul and producer who's on trial So that's what we were talking about before. Yes, and Cassie is his apparently slut pregnant ex She's pregnant with a new extremely pregnant with a new husband who's a white dude I don't know what he does if he's a producer or in the business at all, or he just went total square, which a lot of times they just go square. Maybe. Out of the business.

But this guy is finding out, I mean it must be rough. This is him? Finding out, yeah he's a little older now. Nerd, personal trainer. Yeah dude, if you're finding out all this stuff about her now in trial, it's like shit. I know you should probably get a couple years of freak offs in before you start having kids with her.

You know what I mean? The kids are shutting down the freak offs for sure. Do you think that she went to him at the beginning of this trial before it happened? Look, I gotta sit you down. Can you pay a black eye to pee in my mouth? There's a difference. You gotta know everything.

I'm gonna tell you all the stuff that happened because you're gonna hear about it And I don't want do you think she did that or do you think she held back and he's hearing about for this for the first? She's like I got fucked by ballers shock haulers brawlers Guys who'd be dipping in they bends with they spoilers. There's a difference between You know, those were rap lyrics I figured from from a rap song I don't know the song but it sounded nice you do know the song dude all about the Benjamins baby Oh DJ Lou knew DJ Lou's girl knew. Hell yeah. Right. DJ Lou has to play this. Say hi. Well I did not say hi

officially I don't know if we'd said hi on the air yet. We said hi, we introduced, we said hi. That's Nyla. That's Nyla. Christine Nyla. Nyla. You didn't introduce Christine? Yeah, she was here when I got here.

Amen. No one thought at all to introduce Christine. Trying to keep them apart before a freak off breaks out. Well she came in, oh wow, how great would that be if we did a live freak off on the bonfire? Christine and Nyla just started fucking full blown diking out on the thing. Yeah, we just blindfolded Jacob and jerked him off.

Yeah, unfortunately we have to pour water and coffee on you because we didn't get Siroc like I suggested we do. Yeah, well. We could have been pulling Siroc all over these two. We gotta jerk off Jacob, blindfold him and go, who is it? Who is it? Whose hand is this, Jacob? And then you're gonna think to feel Feel the Glove and say me,

but you're gonna be wrong. Bobby put my glove on. That's right. It's all about the Benjam. Uh-huh, what? Oh, shock callers, brawlers, who we dippin' in the Benz with the spoilers. Can I ask a question?

All this stuff that we're hearing, you've heard all this stuff, right? And like, the physical abuse hurt, you abuse, physically hurting somebody, fuck you. Rewarding. No, no, that's what I'm just gonna say. Internally. Internally. Rewarding. Yes, thought bubble, yes.

Outwardly, it's causing you lots of problems. Outwardly, you don't want to ever lay hands on a woman, ever. But. I've gone to punch Christina's slow motion 11 times, and I just start picturing my future and I'm like I can't handle prison Then I go and I just hug her Every time we hug I almost punch her in the face Myself out of it every hug is a punch every hug is a punch that just me thinking better of it

She goes hug me before you go to the airport I go Now I saw you guys last week when I walked up it was so I actually started smiling She goes, hug me before you go to the airport. I go, pshh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, I go, no. I saw you guys last week when I walked up and it was so, I actually started smiling. Why? Because you guys were making each other laugh. Hmm. You guys were out front and she was-

I had a feeling I was making her laugh. Yeah, that's true. It wasn't her making you laugh, but you. Yeah. I'm sure. Her behavior makes me laugh, but it's this kind of laughter. Okay, all right, all right, I guess that's just, all right, fine.

It's rage laugh. Look at this. Somebody AI me, me and Christine as Cassie and B. Diddy in the hallway. Did somebody AI us? The girl that said she's into the freak offs, that's her getting, we're watching a video of him being the shit out of her.

This is the whole tryout. This is where it's coming from. Yes, Jacob, this is part of the freak off. I didn't know it was the same woman. But you have to get this, this is a, this wasn't a year ago, this was a while ago. Listen, this is years ago I think Cassie's just guilty of liking a little salty with her sweet You know what I mean, but he did can I say in his defense he did she did take his phone. Oh really?

Yeah, you don't touch a man's phone. You don't touch a man's phone. You want to find a catch a fine way to catch a beating So he took the phone and then he he, yeah, he's a, I mean, he's garbage. Well, she's a child. Get up and walk, you idiot. What, is he gonna drag you the whole way back to the room? I'm taking his side blindly. Here's the thing about whatever her agreeance is

in texting him and whatever she got herself into, she obviously gets a shit beat out of her. This wasn't a one-time thing. And he was threatening to release a bunch of footage from the free pass. This is part of the kink. So she was being, you know, she was kind of being blackmailed and held hostage and you go you know what I don't want to do this anymore I don't care if this gets released all my porn can be all over the place and he's like hey you forgot

where'd you put my pie peach an apple hey yeah there's a 15 minute I just can I another thing that I noticed in that video nice Louie bag by the way yeah and she was trying to leave with it as a bag slut. Oh, I love that If dawn tried to take your bags, Bobby, you'd give her a good hallway beating without a doubt I grab it right by her hoodie and throw it down to the ground. Yeah, man a public woman beating god bless I mean you really have not thought you have not thought this forward at all, dude The court of public opinion is not gonna let that one go. Although Chris Brown dude Isabella was the other day she gives me Chris Brown tickets. I go

Yeah, it's gonna be pretty good. Yeah playing a huge place. I'm like, didn't he beat the shit out of Rihanna She's like, yeah, I guess I don't know. Yep. She's like he's still doing a concert So, I mean it must not be that much against him. Yeah, I can't really argue that Yeah, I think she didn't know here we got to go back. Look, there's no reason to ever hit a woman, I don't think that, but. Even Rihanna? No, not Rihanna, but I think she had sex with somebody else. Well, is that what happened?

I'm pretty sure there was, right? Oh, well then she got it easy, then she got off easy. Yeah, don't leave her, just beat her up, teach her a lesson. That's right. Damn, he beat the shit out of her. That's right. He fucked her up. Fuck that guy.

Yeah, but what, okay. But you did get the tickets. He beat the shit out of her. That's right. He fucked her up. Fuck that guy. Yeah. But what, okay. But you did get the tickets. By the way, she tried to bite his arm. Did you read that before we start accusing him of stuff? It says she tried to bite his arm. She tried to kick me and he bit her arm. Sorry, he bit her arm.

Apologies, I take that back. But she tried to kick him. She tried. Yeah, sorry. Isn't that worth? She's got long Jamaican legs, dude. You guys don't think that's an extended hospital stay beating worthy?

Have you ever been kicked by a Jamaican woman? It hurts. No, I think she's Bahamian. Whatever that is. Barbados. Barbasian. All those islands. Yeah.

Yeah, man. She's a stupid island bitch. She probably deserved what she shit coming to her I Blame Rihanna for the Eagles losing the Super Bowl I went to everything was going great till fucking Rihanna performed and then everything took a shit Jalen Hurts couldn't focus Everybody got tired. Oh now I want to beat her what I would hotel is that she's still there How does P Diddy not have somebody to go? Yeah, yeah, I got it. Why don't do this? That would be great dude snoop dogs got a joint role or you think that P Diddy could hire a woman beater

I feel like it's not a sad you miss you miss something you miss understand what I said apologies I didn't say I didn't say hire have a woman be somebody to stop him from beating the woman oh stop you don't want to do this not somebody to go hey I got this I thought you meant you would hire a woman beater oh that would be good I would let me tell you survive the money I would have a girl on deck like a tough girl to beat up Christine often that'd be great What would that be would that be like if you that be without like cancel itself out because it's two girls Christine what do we got a live-in nanny that took care of Dawkins while we're gone and then when you get out of line Beat you back in the shape

What if you Yeah, why we don't even know you're trying to get watch dockies what we have a V even to watch dockies Beat you back in the shape. What if you... I think I'm okay without that. Well you don't even know you haven't even tried it yet. We have Aviva to watch dockies. Aviva's too skinny to beat you up. I don't know, she'd probably beat the shit out of you. You think everyone will beat the shit out of me. I know. I'm trying to get you gooseed up

till you prove yourself to me. You're gonna get her to fight Don one day. She's gonna walk up and slap Don. Don's probably been in street fights. Don? You're gonna get her to fight Dawn one day. She's gonna walk up and slap Dawn. Let's go, bitch. Dawn's probably been in street fights. Dawn? What, from Boston? Yeah, she...

Probably when she was younger. Christine's never been in a fist fight. She had three older brothers that beat the shit out of her. Big, big six something. They used to play with her like a boy. Nice. So I've actually wrestled... Why?

Did she want to stop doing free golfs? Of course she did. Back in the day, I actually wrestled with Dawn. You know when you wrestle with your girl and you're like, all right, say uncle, stop, say it, say I'm the best. She goes, no. And I'm literally bending her arm, like say I'm the best.

She's like, no. I'm like, I'm gonna have to break your arm because if I give up, then I lose all power in this relationship. I like that though. I like that she makes sure I'm like, yeah, Christine taps like immediately. Yeah, Dawn doesn't tap. She's like, no, break it. I'm like though. I like that she makes sure. Yeah, Christine taps like immediately. Yeah, Dawn doesn't tap. She's like, now break it. I'm like, this is not fun. I'm gonna have to

seriously hurt you now to maintain dominance in this relationship. Yeah, just like something like break a finger. Yeah, well I broke her arm. That's why she gave up esthetician. Nice. Not because of backs. I had to break her arm now, but she knows. Now you straighten her shit out though. I straighten her shit out. And now you don't do any laundry. I don't do laundry or dishes. Very exciting. I know how to push those buttons. Since I challenged Christine's domestic ship, domestic womanhood, she has been,

I mean, laundry is nonstop going. That's crazy. Laundry has been nonstop going since we lived together. No, you guys do. Since we lived together, we paid Asians to do it before that. Yeah, well, okay. Well, since we've had a paid Asians to do it before that well, okay? Well since we've had a washing machine you had Asians. Yeah I thought you bought Asians no no

Where do you get Asians if I buy these tariffs are really working? Yeah, if I buy an Asian They're gonna take care of Dawkins and beat up Christine Ming up here, please Yeah, Christine's doing that thing again, she does. Pshh, pshh, pshh, pshh, pshh, pshh, pshh, pshh, pshh. Hi-ee. Yeah, it's getting weird. I don't think that he's, I don't think he's,

the sex stuff, my question was, back to the original question, is the, besides the beating and all that stuff, but the sex stuff, if you have two adults that are into something, who is it to anybody to say, okay, you wanna have a room full of people fucking around doing weird stuff, how are we to morally judge that?

I don't give a shit, listen, if you're into the thing, he's going top level at this. I'm into weird shit, but I mean, I don't have bottomless money and a baby boil room. You do have a nice pool. you do have a nice pool? I do have a nice pool. We could get into it. I'm worried about baby oil again.

Yeah, I don't want a lot of comes all over. What if we get a side come pool? OK, now we're talking. Yeah, so we're going to pop up and dish out. Yes, Christine. Well, it's just so funny that it's like every everyone's like, freak off, freak off, freak off. I'm like, yeah, it's like, people have been having orgies in Hollywood since the beginning of Hollywood.

Well, someone described it on the most basic level. It's a swingers party, essentially. And it's like, great. Well, didn't they have a club in Long Island where people would just go and do that? What was it called? Plato's Retreat. Plato's Retreat.

I think it's in the city. That's it. I thought that was in Long Island. Maybe. I don't know, but that was a whole documentary on that. There's the club. What was the? Oh, there's Swingers Clubs all over the place.

What was the club here down on 57th Street? What was that? You know. Plato's Retreat? No, stop it. Not that one. They used to have the club. What was that fancy club?

Plato's Retreat. Club Studio 54. Studio 54, they used to bang in there all the time Yeah, but that wasn't a swingers club. They have actual like these places exist So listen, I don't have a problem with pd sex stuff at all the issue He's gonna run into that I guess I do have an issue with this is that they're like trafficking in people So it's like we have a busload of confused 16 year olds coming up from Florida that are gonna like fuck everybody here. That's Wonky well, there's a video which is weird where you have Jay-Z walking out of a room and I

don't know what it is but it looks like a party and all of a sudden he walks out of a room and you look in the room and it's all kids. Now that could just be a birthday party or it just be a party and all the kids go in this room for now but why would a bunch of kids just be in a room sitting down they look well he did mel the party early like 6 5 or 6 p.m. was for the kids and then 6 to 8 was for the straight sex and then apparently went super gay well I didn't get the flyer I mean that's the what I'm taking because all the basketball players in dresses. What?

What was the basketball player you see in a dress? All of them? Oh, LeBron James. LeBron? Yeah, he was dressed like a French maid. I mean, what am I supposed to take from that? Jay-Z walked out of a room where there was children, they're saying?

Yeah, there's a, I'm not saying it's anything, but you start, all this stuff is coming out now, and it's like, they have this video where he's walking out of a room and there's just a bunch of kids in the room. It's like, what is that? So what we're gonna hear in the next- Jay-Z story hour, maybe.

Maybe, it might be, he might've been in there- Would you rather Jay-Z read your kids' books or drag queens? Drag queens. Really? Why not? Nice drag queens? Uh, drag queens. Really? Why not? Damn. Nice drag queen.

Hey, daddy. If somebody was going to fuck your child, would you wish it was a famous person? Let's just say there's no choice in the matter. Do I like them? It's happening. Young Max is going to get terrible things done to him by an adult male.

Right. Is it better if they're famous? Well, here's the thing. I don't want it to be by an adult male. Is it better if they're famous? Well, here's the thing. I don't want it to be somebody that I like. Like, I don't want it to be Robert Duvall, you know? But if it's Ryan Goslet, maybe. I mean, how hot are they? Oh, dude, you know what's fucking crazy?

I used to say that too, but I actually looked it up on an IMDB. I looked it up on IMDB the other day, because I used to say Goslet, but I actually I actually looked it up on IMDb I looked up on IMDb because I used to say gosselin and It's gosselin gosselin. It was an ing on the end. It's not gosselin like I Mean you same pile same pile of people that had that wrong gosselin it rolls off the tongue It sounds like it should be right gosselin. You take it a little too far now, but okay. Okay. I mean you got it Okay, you're doing good Pro at this fancy Gosling

That's what they I mean today are right. I think who knew hey Jay Well, I looked it up and it's spelled that way I'm probably still gonna say Gosling in my down in my personal time. I'm gonna say Gosling or Goslet a Gosling is the one that you want the world to know who you're talking about. Gosling, Gosling, Gosling, but I don't care about that. Oh, this is it right here. This is the video. Watch this. This is video. This is just weird to me like, but it could be

completely innocent. But just with all this other stuff that's going on, the illusion can be created that there was some fucking crazy shit I like about 29 year olds watch this 20 of them Jay-z at the PDT PDT. How's my jay-z impression? First of all, the joke was young girls. The pedophile joke was right on point. Nobody laughed at it. Well, it's a hackneyed I know but not to fucking not to I thought regular people I thought that my jay-z impression doing it was great the thing. Well, I try to it's a hackneyed. I know but not fucking not to I thought regular people I thought that my jay-z impression doing it was great the thing. Well, I try to do one more time Hey, you know what? I love about 29 year olds. It's 20 of them. Ha

That's great. Yeah Thank you, I wish you but can I wish you did two-year-olds I think you oughta better laugh try with that Hey, you know, I love about 22 year olds. This 20 of them. See, it's a young. It's a little younger. Makes it a little more dirty, which I think makes gets a little pop in it.

Just just help out. Christine's not impressed because she doesn't know what Jay-Z sounds like because she doesn't listen to black people. Well, you know, she feels I do. I'm West Coast. I know she feels. She's I just stop her from taking a shit on the foot

of the giant gold black woman statue. You about to do that? She was going to take a shit on it. I thought we talked her out of that. It's crazy. But she was like, and then she snuck off. She was like, oh, you guys going to be in this store for a minute? I'm going to go grab some vape cartridges.

And then I saw her outside trying to take a shit on the foot. Stop. She went to the sardine place and ate four cans of sardine real quick? That's absolutely right. So she could squeeze one out right on the foot. She says, something about those little tiny fish swim right through her in a mustard sauce.

Have you guys eaten the sardines I gave you yet? Yeah. Wow. What? You threw them out. No. I've never thrown anything out. Look at me.

What? You threw out the things I gave you? No. It's okay. I'm going to say this. Because you moved this far. I'm telling you all my my life I did not throw these out where are they in the bottom drawer of our pantry why in the body when are you gonna have them we always start from the bottom and now we're here all right all right well when

I come over the house we're having sardines we can't though they'll be gone yeah I'll have eaten them I I'll bring more Yeah, did you kind of love sardines no, I'm not pro try sardines you'll try sorry we do have these No, you're gonna love get a dry cracker and a sardine. You're gonna lose your mind. You know owns in it No, right. No, no, I know right. No, there's no body. No, there's not not a nice You know what fucking we're never gonna make it. There are some bones in them. But not these ones. I got them at the store in Times Square. It's the fanciest sardines store in the land. What's the brand of the sardines?

They're Portuguese. I know what you're talking about. I watched a whole special on these sardines. Christine, how awesome was the store? It's like the Willy Wonker of sardines. I don't know how they're affording that real estate. What'd you say? I don't know how they're affording that real estate, but. What'd you say? I don't know how they're affording the real estate

for a social employee. Through high-end sardines. High-end sardines. It's Portuguese, sardines. Does it start with an N, the sardines? Whoa. Excuse me? Jesus Christ. The N. The name of the. Wow. I mean, it's just a stupid fish.

You can call it whatever you want. Thank God. We have to take a break soon. Thank God. I don't know if that's how I'd play it up. We lost Black Lou, you happy? Damn it. Black Lou went hands off. What'd you do? Let's see the video. I do wanna see this What'd you do? Let's see the video.

I do wanna see this Jay-Z video. Let's watch this video. It's just, it's just, with all the stuff, it's a little weird. All right. Okay, here we go. Sorry, I just wanna share this thing. Make it big, Christine.

I'm good. That was the way. Oh, you put that thing on the, woo hoo! See how we do it here on Saturday, just as good as. I'm good. It's just a, it was like. Oh, you put that thing. Why are all those girls there?

It's just a bunch of girls. It's a little kid freak off. I don't know. He could just be walking out of a room with kids. I mean they're sitting around a table with a birthday- I don't know. It's like his daughter's birthday party.

He's wearing a suit. I thought you said he was going to come out with a shower cap on or a towel. He's wearing a suit. I thought you said he was gonna come out with a shower cap on, or a towel. Like, what's up? Well, it's like, with all this stuff that's going on, they keep releasing these things that are just adding to the mythology of this freak-off. And the freak-off stuff, I was led to believe there was blood, and sushi, and naked people,

and children, and all kinds of gay stuff happening. I haven't heard any of that yet. I've heard just regular weird threesomes and I mean the weirdest thing was the cum on his nipples and having a bandana and being in another room. But I heard he has a little small, here's my theory and we'll go to break, he had a little, Diddy has a little tiny Diddy, and he has the Patrice effect, where Patrice had a little baby Diddy, so he would actually like to just watch his girl get it,

because he couldn't give it, right? And use vibrators and all kinds of, he had to get into other things, because his piece didn't match what he wanted to do. That's sad. Yeah, it's sad It was sad. He was like like couldn't actually have the stanza motherfucker. Yeah, well he would bring vibrators and dildos to a Brazil no, but I think it's diabetes and shit. He couldn't fuck for it really I mean that had something to do with it, but he didn't have a big piece. He never strong piece You know, he's saying a little kev he's hanging out with Lil Kev, he's hanging out with Will, live with Will.

He's hanging around. The biggest dicks in the biz. The biggest dicks around. He's hanging out and he's got this little pud. That's what we used to call it, little pud. And he would get, you know, he would travel with vibrators and dildos to other countries to compensate for that, which you think would be weird,

but he became an expert and he taught us certain things. So I think it's the same type of thing where P did he's in the top echelon of This sex thing and he can't he can't walk in with his swing And so hey, I'm gonna hire this dude to fuck you the way you should be fucked Sure, or you just like watching weird shit. I don't have a problem with Over-the-top perversion. It's the legalities is the walls that you're gonna hit with these days if you're bringing in kids kids are no good If you're just trafficking people in trafficking no good Trafficking I don't have a big moral issue against prostitution really it's up to the people I think honestly if you're a

If you're paying people to come fuck that doesn't bother me at all. No, I don't think so. Well, drugging every woman that walks in the door. Is that what it's like? Are people taking ecstasy or they being drugged behind their backs? No, no, I read one story where the guy was his first freak off invitation and he was told. You always remember the first one.

The bar on the, do not drink anything from the bar on the right Only that's for the ladies. This is this is the stuff cuz everything there was roofie. This is hearsay. I mean Like the court truck that's happening So this will come out and you'll hear that will have to be the ladies The ladies bar is drugged, the men's bar isn't drugged. That's disgusting. Yeah, I get it. I mean, you have to prove it, but I believe it happened. I can't believe people would take part in something like that.

Jacob, you know you would never do that if you threw a party, right? No. No. Honest to God, you shouldn't do that. And I think it's really fucked up if you're bringing over your celebrity friends to have sex with kids. You should never do that.

And you should never traffic hotter kids from another state into your party because they're way better looking, right? Good Lord, no. You definitely won't get the hottest kids, which I'm guessing is probably South American. Right, Jacob? Absolutely not.

All right, we're going to take a break. Jay-Z was just having a birthday party. Big Jay, you got shows this weekend. Nope. Oh, it's a six and a seven. You off this weekend? You got the weekend? Wow.

I think I shouldn't say it out loud. Don't say that. No, you're busy. You're so busy. You're very busy. Why, your manager's gonna book you gigs? Yes. Dude, I got your gigs in Wayne. Why is that bad to say?

Cause he wants a break, man. He wants a break. He wants to spend time. 17 weekends in a row, you feel guilty? No, I wanna keep it. I just wanna keep it. Can you do my podcast? Yeah, that's what's gonna happen.

Thursday night, you can do my show in the city? Friday, Saturday, I'm doing the early thing at the stand. You must be excited to just go home and bother. Big Jay is very busy this weekend, but next week, the sixth and the seventh, right? Yeah. He's gonna be at Levittown at Governor's. After that, he's gonna be in San Diego, Charlotte, Tacoma for tickets and all the tour dates. Go to bigjcomedy.com and make sure you go to punchup.live slash big J.

Oakerson. Oakerson. And follow him over there too. And check out his special. It's on YouTube this weekend. Check it out. Both of them are up there. And make sure you like, subscribe and share.

Word. Bobby Kelly's gonna be at Parks Casino on Ben Salem PA May 22nd one night only After that the Dojo of Comedy at Mars Plains, New Jersey Portland Maine Rochester, New York all on deck for tickets and all of his tour dates go to punch up that live slash Robert Kelly three dates left for the summer and check out all three dates and guess what I'm gonna be in a ruba Oh, yeah, yeah, we have guest hosts next week while you're gone. Yeah, you do, it's right.

Tuesday, Wednesday only. Probably bring that snake killer, that animal. Probably. Probably bring that killer in. We're gonna celebrate with some kind of a fire ceremony. Why don't you make a key chain out of the snake? Do something. Because I won't touch it.

Oh God. I mean, if somebody else takes care of all that and turns into a belt, I'll wear the belt. What? So mad. A rat snake belt? Just know your rat snake belt. Bobby the king of the rat snakes. We'll be right back everybody.

It's the bonfire. Now that's music. We're having a party man. I bet Dina Howard wouldn't go crying to the cops. No. Tina Turner didn't. Yeah, she didn't keep her yap shut. No, she took it.

She made that fucking song about it. She took it and then she went to the Thunderdome. Yeah, that Mad Max movie really gave her a lot of confidence, self confidence she I guess needed. I mean it depends. Unless you're talking about the Ike Turner camp. really gave her a lot of confidence self-confidence she I guess needed I mean depends unless you're talking about the Ike the Ike Turner camp then she sucks guy knew how to write a tune Jacob everyone it's well noted that you say

that everything the guy does is gold from his beatings to his music to his writing to his bass playing so he did everything talk about Ike Ike Turner Jacob has always loved all of his work. Yeah headline most by his aggressive beatings and still finding way to keep her around I do love like Turner's music Yeah, of course you had a writer tune and you love his you think that performance from Tina Turner doesn't come without a beating No, no, how you gonna get her to do it. You think people just have just do things like that. No Marine Corps you think the guys in the Marine Corps just wake up on time and go fight what no they're gonna break them down You have to break them down and build them up. Oh, no. I understand. I just I'm worried, you know

This girl what's your Casey Cassie Cassie she sang is it good stuff or is it bad stuff couldn't be never heard of her music Ever Wow, she did all that for nothing. I Mean she had a little career. I'm sure She had one hit one hit then she was too busy with freak offs to continue very pretty Yeah, she is hot. Yes, apparently Nicki Minaj told her to suck it up as part of the game There's nice checks with her. Is this your song right? I like that Sucking up as part of the game. There should be a shirt. That should be one of her songs. She should write that now. Suck it up it's one of the games. Oh I know this song. I know this song too. Everybody knows

this song. I don't know this song yet. Hello? So far don't know this song at all. This is her? How you doing? Listen, ready? I thought it was Ciara. So long, I'm here to answer your call. I mean, she literally looks like she's trying to be Ciara in this video. Wow, she got a messed up tooth and a little weird belly button. DJ Lou's girlfriend knows every word.

Do you know this? Do you love it? Well, good news, Lou. I mean, this is like a huge radio hit. Looks like you're going to be able to beat and rape your girlfriend without it running her mouth for a while. Yeah. Don't do it on camera, idiot.

And if you bring black guys over to have sex with her, don't make them pee in her mouth. Can you draw a line? Let's see if you can succeed where P. Diddy failed at making the perfect woman. Yeah. Knock out. Let's see if you can succeed where P Diddy failed at making the perfect woman. Yeah. Not that talented, obviously. Cassie is my type of talent. She's not that talented. She's hot. She's not talented?

She's not that talented. Her dancing is alright. She's petite. Oh, she's hot for a girl that'll let you gang bang and pee on her. She's very petite. She kind of looks like Zendaya a little bit. Now she's Spanish or she oh she's taking her pants off. Yeah but she's wearing stupid shorts. Is she Spanish or is she black? I'm gonna go with black. I'm gonna say half black half white. I'm just touching by her hair.

She's Hispanic? I'm gonna say Spanish. We have an expert. Who's the expert? Nihilus is Hispanic. You think so? Well, she would know for sure, I think she's saying. Mixed. Her mother, African American, Mexican, and West Indian. Father is Filipino. Wow. Wow, she's got a lot of exotic in her. Damn. Absolutely, you'd think any of those would be able to fight better.

Yeah, she had all those in her mouth, too, at the party. No shit. Hahaha, yeee. Probably not Filipino. Haha, well, you never know. Maybe that's the break. Well, you never know. Maybe that's the break. If you, if P. Diddy was like,

hey, could you pee in my chick's mouth? And you go, yeah, would you feel bad if you know you had asparagus that day? Would you be like, I shouldn't though? I would. I feel bad now when I pee in the house. It's just in the toilet bowl. Oh, asparagus piss?

It's terrible. It's brutal. Yeah. You know, some people, they say it doesn't happen to some people. Is that real? I don't know. Yeah, I've never heard that say it doesn't happen to some people is that real Yeah, I've never heard that I'm gonna everyone's Sparrow sits everyone's piss

Not you I don't lately I haven't been smelling it you've been eating a lot of asparagus though Yeah, but it just smells like piss either way No, no, no when I eat asparagus. It's a very distinct. It's terrible. I hate it. I don't even know what it is. I hate it. I almost wish I could get... It's like new plastic. I wish we could get diabetes so my pee would taste sweet. Oh, I would love that. Yeah, smell.

Well, then we could piss all over our girls. That'd be great. We could get diabetic piss? Dude, we could piss all over each other. That's great. We wouldn't even mind. Like, dude. Ha ha ha.

Candy cane. That's why Christina had a hard time losing weight than me because I was pissing out my ketones into her mouth She was drinking all my ketones Everything else business now, but you know, she was picking them up She's not that good I didn't I still have no idea what that song is Did it have a chorus or was it pretty much as her singing in front of that thing? Me and you there you go me and you and all your friends it should be

I guess these chicks I guess JLo's hanging out and that kid and that little girl. Did you guys see this headline? Cassie claims her now husband Alex fine once facetimed her during a sexual encounter with Diddy Yeah, okay. Wait a minute. He fac-timed her and but was she hiding it? You know what I mean was was Diddy you know down on her? That's what I'm trying to find out. I don't think he knew I don't think they're making it sound like he saved her from this Thing yeah, I don't think he knew about this. I think she was still banging Diddy doing weird shit while she was with him See, I don't know this I don't know if I'd be excited to find all this out because I'd be like, oh man, that means

we could do some pretty wild shit together. Or if you're like, now she can't do anything wild ever again because she has to be the poster child for like I was forced into this. You gotta go, dude. You gotta go. You find out that she, you know what I mean? She's like, she turned a new leaf

and then you find out she's, now you're finding out she was behind your back doing all kinds of weird shit You gotta go. Well, she's saying that He facetimed her. No, he facetimed her while she was doing it. But did he not know? No, she didn't know cuz I guess he just found out that they had been intimate like in 2018 So apparently she I mean it was probably Diddy being like, pick it up, I'm sure that was like a pervy thing. Yeah, pick it up, don't tell him I'm here. It's kinda hot.

Well I shit on your, I'm gonna shit on your knee. There is something hot about shitting on someone's knee while they're talking to their significant other. There's nothing hot about shitting on somebody's knee. You've never done it? I have done it. I used to do it, what are you crazy? I used to go to Denmark just to do that. There have done it. Oh. I used to do it. What are you, crazy?

I used to go to Denmark just to do that. There was a shitting knee convention I used to go to. What is this right now? This is the Nicki Minaj. I reached out to Nicki Minaj and she told me to stop complaining, it's part of the game. You're rich and famous, girls will die to be in my shoes. That's true.

She's right. I don't know if girls are gonna die to get the shit beat out of them in a hotel. Christine, you're really focusing a lot on the shit beating out of them. Can I say something? Guys get the shit beat out of them too. You don't think these guys fight each other? They get the shit kicked out of them too. Yeah, but that's like two men.

That's not helpless. I'm not defending her. I'm just saying, Bobby, are you training her? Did you just see her? She's like 100 pounds soaking wet. The fact that he came out and did that brutal shit to her is fucking nuts. Hot.

It's not hot. It is nuts. I don't like when dudes, I hate when guys hit women. I think it's such a puss move. I know, it's so bad we don't have friends that we're like, oh, we know he beats his girlfriend, we all have to pretend like he doesn't. I'm like, I genuinely, none of my friends are like physical

with their chicks. Lewis doesn't beat girlfriends. He rapes women. It's different. Yeah, but it's not, he doesn't rape women. He thinks no means yes. And that's just because he's a dumb Puerto Rican. That's cultural though.

That's a different culture. That's culturally different. He's a stupid ass Puerto Rican. That's what they believe. Well, Lou this weekend had an incident. Black Lou had an incident. It was pretty funny, man. I don't know if you saw the photo.

Lou, you there? I am. What's going on? A few incidents. A few, right? Yeah. This is in, are you going to, this is going to be Smurch, my great city?

Yeah, you're a great city. It's not a great city. Philadelphia was just a wild weekend, man. would happen Philly was down there to see Henny Henny Hendrix my son get surgery. Mm-hmm I tried to sign into the hospital and Security was called over Because apparently someone with my same name Lewis Johnson Was banned from the hospital the Children's Hospital because he was a pedophile. Oh

Okay. Yeah. They didn't have a photo of him, he just had my same name. But what did the nurse say to you? You look just like him? No, they saw his height on there and realized he was six feet tall. Well, well. Short King just saved your life. I said that saved his life, but I said, what if, like Jacob, if they were like, hey man, we're gonna make you six feet. Me and Lou were talking about this. What if they were like, hey man, we have a thing that will make you six something for the rest of your life,

but once a month you have to fuck a kid. Oh, that is good. That's a good question. Would you do it? Yeah. Once a month you have to fuck a kid. Oh, that is good. That's a good question. Did you do it? Yeah, once a month you had to fuck a child to have height for the rest of your life. Just so you know, the fact that you're thinking about it should make you feel a little empathy

for these guys at P. Diddy's house. You don't know what it's like down here. I'm just saying, these people wanna be rich and famous, so they're willing to get peed on by people. Of course, no. It's a real crossroad. Of course, no, Jacob, right? Of course, no. Of course no. It's a real crossroad. Of course no Jacob right? Of course no. Right? No. Height's not worth that much. Gotcha. Wink. Wink. Wink. Black Lou you said you would

fuck the kid? Yep. Absolutely not. I'm sorry. I misheard him. I misheard him. No no no not a sick one at the hospital. Like one that's like healthy and virile. I'm like, it's just gonna need a little bit of therapy. Maybe I'll become a rapper. R. Kelly got fucked in the ass. That guy's got a voice of an angel. And he's tall. I wonder if you could fuck a child tall. What if when you fuck the kid, you got hype,

but that kid got talent, like prodigy talent. So not only is, you're getting tall, but whoever, whatever kid you fuck is set for life with talent. We need an expert in for this. We do. The world knows that I'm doing this once in a while. We're not smart enough as science for these

kind of questions. What's that? The world knows that this is happening? No, nobody knows unless the kid rats you out later in life. He will. But he might not. Oh, he will. Everyone's a rat.

But he knows this. He knows that the talent he got is from you. Yeah. He knows the exchange was. Those Michael Jackson kids knew that too. They still rat him out. Yeah, but some of them. I know that motherfucker.

Wade, whatever his name is. If they tell, they lose their talent. Robson. Wade Robson, that fucking tattletale piece of shit. That guy got immense dancing skills by getting fucked by Michael Jackson. Grow up. What kid didn't tell and has, what kid didn't, got Corey Feldman got banged by Michael Jackson, never told and he's got amazing talent. Macaulay Culkin doing fine.

Doing fine. Second, second, second little thing of his career happened right now. You think Webster's still alive? Yeah, it is. I'm not gonna do it. No, you're done? Because they're going to do, Christine's right. They're gonna have the

Leaving Astoria documentary later on. I'm not going through that. The Rat King? Yeah, so it would be fun, we'd hunt rats, but it was a darkness to it. It all turned. What if you had sex with them and then they took care of the rats for you

So there are no more razziness would be part of you you were taller and those kids got it like a prodigy type of awesome power Yes, no rats what if you could no rats and six foot two how about this what if you what if you're semen could cure cancer But you had to fuck the children do it in the ward They're never gonna say it's okay for you to do it, but you know for a fact it works. Do you do your duty? Do you sneak in and start butt fucking cancer children? I'm really like a guardian angel. You have a genuine power.

It's like the green mild, but instead of sucking out their poison, you fuck goodness into their asses. Guardian anal. Nice. Nice. Guardian anal. Guardian anal. Again six foot two.

Six foot two buddy. Six foot two, no rats. No rats. No cancer. And you've cured cancer with your penis. Yeah, I did. Of course not, this is sick. Yeah, I mean it's a hard decision to make. What?

You're even suggesting that I would. Hey, it's not, it's a hard decision to make. Take a day. Come back in tomorrow's business. Jacob, here's the thing. Here's the thing, everyone you tell when it cures cancer, when it's over, when they find out their kid's cancer is cured, but it's gonna take time. People are gonna be furious at you, you might go on trial cancer, when it's over, when they find out their kid's cancer is cured,

but it's gonna take time. People are gonna be furious at you. You might go on trial for fucking your kid's ass. But at some point, you will be celebrated. But then the next person whose cancer you cure, you start that whole process over again. See, this is what you guys don't understand. Well, sorry.

What Jay doesn't understand. If you don't have height, you wanna enjoy it. You don't wanna be a pariah. What good is six foot two and like, who cares? I'm sorry, real quick. You can't enjoy it. I'm sorry, because I'm short too. Yeah, he figured you're also a short king.

I'm one of them. Okay, I just wanna say, I don't consider myself one of you. That's good for you. Because I'm five,8 and a quarter. Yeah. Can I just stop real quick? I know how you feel about this and you want to have as many people in your tribe as possible.

It's not me. It's women. It's the nation, all women that are listening. 5'8 and a quarter. I am literally movie star height. Leading man height. Yeah, but you still need me or DJ Lou to get cereal off the top of the fridge for you. And you're not a movie star

Yet this still time in my career, dude. You don't know what I got cooking on the back burner You don't know this guy's got cook. You don't understand dude fucking ass. Yes. There was happening. I don't know what's going on You know this business fucking works man. There's in the moves and the shakes Dude, I've been I've been right there a lot. Okay, Louis and I are movie star height. This guy is pretty good at quakes as with Dennis Leary. You're not movie star height. You are fucking guest leading man height.

You're Prince height. You should start wearing heels. You should get a 400cc motorcycle. I'm Kevin Hart height. Okay. I'm a leading man. Short. He's not a leading man height. I am taller than Kevin Hart height. Okay, leading man short. Oh, he's not a lean man I you got you I am come taller than Kevin Hart. You're not laying down. You're not let me tell you something there But did I say that Kevin Hart Kevin Hart is the same height laying down and standing up

I'm out if we're gonna do that Kevin let's put it Kevin Hart couldn't go into the Brooklyn Bridge either just like that Mexican ship Also because often times there's a lot of people up on the top of this painting. They call it the Observatory. This is such a weird conversation we're having. It reminds me I watched Segura's new show this weekend. It hit no heads in the picture. I got to meet two amazing guys last night, I guess. I watched Segura's new show this weekend.

And have you seen it? No, I heard it's good. It's so- I heard it's wild, over the top. I'm gonna tell you something, Tom Segura is fucking something wrong with him in the best way possible. But there's something really fucking wrong with him in his brain to come up with this show.

Because we all sat down, I was like, hey, let's watch this show, me, Max had to leave, I think a minute 20 into this first episode. There's one episode I'll tell you about where he's, he shaved his face, he's got, what are you doing? I thought you, you can't do hand gestures, dude. I thought you were saying break, but you were warming your hands up.

I know, but he was doing this. I don't know what the, with all the hand gestures. Excuse me, he's from Miyagi. He's from Pittsburgh, dude. It's a very holistic town. Buddy, he's doing a thing where he's got black, long hair, he's Spanish. I think Italian guy, shaves his face.

He looks like a totally different guy. He's an amazing actor, too Tom Segura is probably one of the best comic actors I've ever seen he is fucking brilliant at acting Does this thing and he's he's at an old folks home and it's this guy and he's dressed like an old-school Italian with The khakis and the tuck he's he's helping he's a guy. No, he doesn't all these old people They're in their shell, but now they're out, and he has this magic, and what does he do? And he's like helping all these old people. It's like amazing, this beautiful moment,

and then all of a sudden it just shows, he's got this old lady just eating his asshole, and he's got his legs over his head, and it's just so fucking shocking that he's just fucking all the old people, even the men. And they're like, they catch him, he's like, you gotta leave, and then he leaves, but they all go back into their shell.

He's like, we have to bring him back. What he does works, and they bring him back. It's so fucking wild. So my fucking cancer out of children thing is now a stolen idea. I think that we should put it in, submit it for next season. For this character to come back.

For this character. And now he has to fuck cancer out of children. It's gonna be a hard, I think, as a guy who's pitched something to Netflix before unsuccessfully, I don't know if they're gonna take this. I think this would be a great bit, where the guy has to fuck kids. He has to, he's got a duty to himself.

He's curing kids of cancer, but no one's gonna believe him until the cancer's cured. He's gonna cure the kids of cancer, he's gonna fuck the kids, but he also gets gonna fuck the kids but he also gets he should get his height because he's a short can. I want to walk down the street I told you the worst blind date I ever went on. You want to walk down the street and hit a stop sign and hear the ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. I went on a bumble date two years back this is before I had my I didn't put my height.

It didn't click, I was like new to bumble. And I show up to the date and the girl's already there and she sees me, it's a visual thing and goes like this. And just her head dropped. I gotta do 25 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. You know what you should have done?

You should have walked up, she went like this. Devastating. I saw you, as soon as you saw me, you saw how short I was. I hear the, give me a shot. Cause I'm around six foot five on the inside. No, you go, once I fuck all these cancer kids cured, I'm gonna be six foot two, so can you hang in there,

see if you like my personality for a second before I fuck children and make them better? And I'm gonna make them better, which is great. It's a lot to give in an early pitch, I know. I want the opposite of that look. Yeah. No, J, it's working for me. Can I say this?

Even though that's not a real thing, the whole scenario, you should say that anyways on a next date, you should just say, I'm gonna fuck kids and get height, but they will be cured of cancer. Try that, see if it works. I will try that. All right, cool.

And she goes, all the kids you fuck are gonna be cured of cancer? You go, well, the ones that had cancer. That means you're still fucking other kids too. And then you go, no, it's just a little bit of cancer fuck humor. That's just a little bit of humor in the community of guys who get fuck kids

Clear cancer, which is a community of one. Yeah But is this Wade Robson? Yeah, look at that Michael Jackson's dick did all this. I mean serious look at him go. Wow. Oh, yeah What do you think? He's not doing that without the sweet sweet ass pounding from the king of pop himself Did he get did he get banged? Yes. Yes. He's one of the kids in leaving, Neverland