The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - "Short Men Talk About the Big Challenges of Dating"

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

Jacob comes across an article that disparages short kings and it does not sit well with him. Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/Bonfire Follow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com#CrackleCrackle

It's Dan Soder and Big J. Oakerson. Welcome to the Bonfire Podcast. We'll have new episodes every morning, Tuesday through Friday. If you want more Bonfire, you can always hear our full show every day on Series XM. You can go to seriesexm.com slash Bonfire for a special three month offer. The Bonfire! Jacob you've received an article someone found an article in the Bond fire universe well name names well name names but they sent it to Jacob and Jacob got fucking fired up Jacob you got this article and it's a vice article entitled what's the title? It's something it's just really mean in the title towards short. Oh, it's very condescending

Short men talk about the big challenges of dating You want some pussy little man little man. You'd like to have sex a man little man you'd like to have sex before the last article BS article that was written by it was written by a dude that we read here who didn't give a flying fuck about the plate of a short kind hating the woman writing it we established on the first article that it was definitely a tall man that wrote that article and you're saying this is a woman that has zero interest in dating shortman. Jacob I think Jacob i think we've discusses before to black christine

says that height is very much her thing but she's hooked up with uh... very very short guys before and like uh... but i don't know does that mean like you wouldn't have dated them seriously you think ever because of their height i would have dated them seriously and it's so funny because we'll get to the point of the article. And I've totally think that it's fucking true. And Jacob's so mad at it.

It's funny. The way Christina immediately did that where you're like, you looked up like short guys. And she's like, yeah, and I would have loved them and married them. It just didn't work out. It's the same way that white people when you're like, you're not racist. And they're like, no, no, I don't, I've never been racist. It's like, yeah, white people when you're like you're not racist and they're like no no I don't I've never been racist. It's like yeah Feel like you're lying. I feel like there's a little every woman ever when you talk to them There's rarely a woman that's like fuck off shorty like they're never right in your face

They're more like I would I just have never met a guy that really You know where it works never met a guy that really, you know, where it worked. It's like to say. I sure can't. I had a short guy. A short guy had me puppy jogging him for like two years at comedy magic clubs. So like I've totally like had crushes

and like been into short men. My boyfriends happen to be tall, but it's like because he didn't ask me out. Like that guy didn't ask me to be his girlfriend. Well, I'll tell you that article article is nothing but short puns. It's such bad writing. And I guess this is supposed to be irreputable. Well, well, well, please, I'm taking a big piece of shit.

I don't want to come off like I'm the leader of short people here. I just talk. I'm not aware of my height until it's brought up. Yeah. Well, I will tell you, it's a ton of good, total horseshit. Jacob, if I can tell you being a man that's tall and knowing basic science that heat rises, I'm feeling the heat coming up from you,

and I think you're a little mad. You read it. He read it. No, I read it. He said, yeah, it is. She might ask with this writing. Every sentence is she's like needless to say the tiny expectation.

Every time she gets you really just fucking just whips it away. You like short guys and I say a little. Everyone would ever exaggerating every woman ever on the spot though. Would you date a short guy? Of course I would I would love them behind the back. She's like yeah what and just fucking carry him around in a baby Bjorn headbutt my titties little man Because I'll flip the script dude bring me a woman my size and I'll take that Viking queen Fuck you first thing I'm gonna do to put it in the bed. I'm in a rock bottomer

You get me a girl. It's my height I'm rock bottoming around a bed first time we fuck you better get ready to lock up because I'm coming right in for a Shoulder underneath and I'm looking I'm fucking rocking in rock bottomed if I'm dating a girl my size I'm gonna do a feed of strength where I put my hand up If I'm dating a girl my size, I'm gonna do a feed of strength where I put my hand up and I hurt her hand up. A game of mercy, dude. A mercy game. And then just turn the hands.

Oh, she's gonna kick out. She's gonna kick out. I find it far more attractive than I could rip Christine's hands off for risks. We play mercy. Do you know how, dude, Katie and I are master blaster. I could throw her literally through a wall. She's a tiny little gal. Yeah, isn't that great? Dude, I was folding her shirt and I was like blaster. I could throw her literally through a wall. She's a tiny little gal. Yeah, isn't that great?

Dude, I was folding her shirt and I was like, oh my god, am I dating a shit? I could actually carry. I really lady. I could carry and throw Christine out of a house like Jazzy Jeff on a fresh prince. Yeah, you could Uncle Phil Christine. I could never feel good.

I could throw you in the front yard. I'm glad they know I could Uncle Phil Christine. But I'm saying big lady not there. No, you have a you have a high value You have a high value coming fucking rock the world, dude. Oh hell yeah In short kings short kings. We see you. We know these women aren't saying yes Wait, I don't see them. I don't see them. Oh, there they are. Oh, they're down there. Hey guys Hold on let me bend down. Hey guys. Hey guys. Hey guys. Well, you guys you're the whole time. I don't see them. Oh, there they are. Oh, they're down there. Hey guys. Hold on. Let me bend down. Hey guys. Hey guys. Where you guys here the whole time? I had no idea. Oh, man. There's so many of you. Yeah. Short men talk about the big challenges of dating. We'll tweet the article out at the bonfire.

SXM. I'm gonna stand right next to a short person and they go, guys, social distancing. I'm like, we are. and they go, guys, social distancing, I'm like, we are. Ah. Our faces are six feet apart. Come on now. Come on now, with it. Well, they interview a guy, a 23 year old man named David, who says there was a few girls I was interested in, but since I was roughly the same height,

they automatically disqualified me. Man, a woman disqualified? Disqualified. Well, that woman disqualified? Disqualified? Well, that's bullshit. Look down here. Five, four. That's short. We're in with a five, nine handsome white male

who pulled a lot of girls didn't help either. See, that's where it tells you though. It's it. Just be confident. Like, five, nine isn't tall. He thinks five, nine's tall. No, no, no, no, no, no, I understand. He said, no, he knows he's short. He's saying his roommates not even that tall

and he gets a lot of chicks. But the guy said to him, he goes, that's because he's telling him, just be confident. There's nothing that is a lot of it. Is that a good looking dude, giving you the it's all about confidence line because they've never, they've never had to live in a line. Do you think you're not a good looking good looking good looking dude?

I don't want to go down this road where you think I'm I'm I'm I'm lacking confidence just because I think this this article is horses It's I'm confident but Jake but Jacob. Jacob you're right though because back Phil and asshole line for a good looking guy to say dude. It's all about confidence when they haven't had to live with Okay, go ahead Dan. No, he doesn't he's handsome. I Completely I completely agree with you because I remember when I was dead broke and poor and I remember Anybody I knew that had a little bit of money will be like it's cool. It'll work out and you're like oh, we don't work out Cool, well that doesn't end my anxiety or shit right now Because I'm still fucking I can't pay my rent but Dan but Dan Dan Dan. Then I grew out at all and I'll worked out

Yeah, well, you know Maybe be more confident. Yeah, I Dan I think in that situation you chose to be the bigger man We'll see our layout. You guys have been great. We'll catch you later. I've heard plenty. My French roommate who banged every girl in New York that came into their restaurant we worked in, gave me the same line.

Like, dude, you haven't had. It gave me the same line. Like, dude, you haven't had to live life on the other side. Jacob, there is Jacob there. I read it. There is this saying in Paris that we have that a short flower is still beautiful, no? He hasn't lived life on the other side. He's above the table.

We're you Jacob, with liberty. Come on, come on. That's good. True. True. You just come on come on Yeah, that's true. Thank you. Thank you You just don't want to hear it from that asshole Jacob, what did I tell you since there was one time a woman who I could not make come like I found home And I said to her what is the problem? And she says it smells weird and not ruined it for me Jacob. So I understand what it is like Jacob JB also I'm gonna tell you here these fucking like these things that are being said

By this person's friends are saying with remarks like you'd look so much more attractive You were five inches tall or I bet you get so many girls if you were tall. I've never say that to you I think you can get plenty of pussy Just at your height right now, buddy. No problems. I Think I do fine dating yeah, I Guess this rub me the wrong way like I said I didn't want us to come out like I Feel like I need to be in this article. I don't have this guy's problem. I feel like I have confidence. I just think this was written by a woman

who wouldn't look a short guy in the face if she wasn't told where I bought to write an article about them. And she thinks that she just sat down and she got her fucking sex in the city on. It was like, short guys, no thanks. Put them back in the drawer. They've got it tough.

I researched and I found one. And here's what he had to say. When I bent down to ask him what it was like, he yelled. Oh, pushing the hair. Pushing the hair away from your ears as you bent down, he goes, sorry, I can hear you up there. Oh my God, I thought you were a kid. Oh my God, You are so adorable

Are any of these guys classically handsome? Well, you have to answer Yeah, Christine. Would you let these guys fucking bang you? What's up? Are you? They're all classically Asian. It's like Yeah, but like you know It's like a bunch of fucking fives or sixes. There's no tens in the bunch Christine you get gang bang by this fucking chess club I fuck fives and sixes

Hey Tell me I got that all right You're goddam jeez and mammal compared to these guys. I'm right. Dude. Yeah, Jacob you'd walk you'd walk in and all their women would get Soppin wet seeing you is the short is the shortest guy uh... not like a good looking dude is good he's good looking i would say there's uh... you know i don't think any of our bad looking really uh... middle one on one of the

not i think the one i think the one that is that looks like somebody throw a waffle grow his face you know one on the other one on the way on the end looks like yeah, like he's It's bananas looking that guy. No. No, none of them would do it for you Jay Well, let's go. Oh, no, listen, I'd pick all these guys if I'm going on the odds They all have tiniation weeners and beautiful little butt. This is really like we're men and women differ where I'm like Are any of them like great at guitar like do any of them are any of them like great at guitar? Like, are any of them like super funny? Like, all right, do you have any of them

like really great singers? Like, it's really hard. Christine, Christine, Christine, no, none of them are. You wanna know if they're great mathematicians? Absolutely. Do any of them have to take lessons, music lessons when they were younger? Yes, but as if for an instrument,

it's gonna make you wet, no. But the soft, the soft let them. You know by a lint doesn't make me look wet wet the soft let down of Christine standing in the same room as them and her just going All right, what skills do you guys have that might get me wet like that question in person? Okay, sure you're a five or six, but do you sing? Yeah, maybe you are great at fixing stuff and that's pretty valued. Yeah, there's some men that are like, you're fat, but you're super funny. I'm going to fuck you. Like it's kind of what's nice about being bisexual is like,

women might be attracted to like some of my accomplishments. Your fats, so you'll probably fuck me. That's what they're thinking. It's not feel fat. I want to fuck you because you're a good musician. Yeah. I, I want to fuck you because you're a good musician. Yeah. I, uh, I want to guitar player. I want to know the biggest discrepancy in height

between like, what's the tallest, like, what's the biggest height difference between like, has there ever been a six foot woman dating a five foot four man? And has there, I mean, of course, it's happened, but, of course, Taylor was a senior in high school and date a freshman. She was six feet tall and he was like five, two. Damn, he was just a second.

He's a great, great, great during killer, dude. He actually, she took his regendium motor, have my back shard. Hey, that's pretty badass. When I was, go ahead, you get, when I was a kid, then it did get to me, like especially when you're a teenager and everyone's taller than you, but I mean, I learned to get have a sense of humor very fast. I mean, now I think I'm a lot funnier than than I think I've got a good sense of humor.

So I feel pretty confident. Yeah I know a lot of it. It was fucking brutal. Oh I bet. I a lot of dull some of the dullest people I know are tall handsome men. Well here's not great ladies guys. I'm telling you hot guys like that I fucked like one or two of them like they're not great. Ladies guys, I'm telling you hot guys like that. I fucked like one or two of them. Like they're not great in bed. They're pretty boring. They expect you to do all the work and one guy like couldn't stop trying to put it in your ball. I can't see a football player and I was like, oh, you just bored. Well, Jason in Virginia online once wants to weigh in.

He's got some opinions on Jacob's confident. It's confidence. I have confidence issues. I know that's what I'm saying. I want to know what this guy thinks because he's saying that he's got confidence issues, but from the sound of it, Jacob got over it as a teenager. Jason, you're on the line, fire. Hey, Jacob, I'm about five about five 10 on a good day.

I gotta tell you it really does come back to confidence. Um, I don't kill to be five 10. Five 10 does not qualify as short to me. It is about confidence. You're right. Jacob, you got put some lifts in your shoes. We got started. You got to go full Tom Cruise, dude. Why don't you get four inch platforms, man? I never tried to disguise what I am, especially on that thing out.

I'm not saying disguising. I'm saying let go loud and proud straight platform shoes. You look like, yeah, dress up. You're the fucking wack. Dress up your that wacky other guy from Delight. Groove his heart. Yeah. Or yeah, it will even put fish in your boots. Like I'm gonna get you, Succa. Bane, nett, nett, nett, nett, nett, nett, nett.

But it's in the heart. Thanks, thanks. Thank you, Jay. I'm not saying he's right. Yeah, thank you, Jason for calling in. But yeah, you know, super call it in but yeah you know he i think uh... the call for the cc of course it's confidence kevin hard never car kevin heart never had a single day problem of getting pussy

he's five foot three it's because he just fucking dove in man he just goes for it all confident but it's hard to get to gain it. If you just, sure, it's tough to build. If my plan goes off and you are the star of Gimon G3, you'll feel what I'm talking about. Yeah, I also got you, Gorya Krishney.

I was going to say, I just started to realize that I'm not fat like this year, and there's still plenty of people that would call me fat. So it, you know, it kind of just is all how you feel about yourself. Like I went through a thing where I was like, you know what, I'm going to stop saying I need to lose 10 pounds to wear this and that and buy some clothes. Now, there's a limit. There's a limit to this. Me and Josh had a virus. Me and Josh had a Christine. Please for the love of God let me host the show Me and Josh saw somebody a lady outside

crop top sweatpants You could literally see the tiger claw stretch marks going down the front gut not pregnant Why were I just and just rocking like that and I go I don't know where I fall in the line It feels less brave to me than it does like Delusional I'm envious of the the confidence. I don't have that. You know what I wouldn't do that at all. I wouldn't go out and like, you know, I think anything I wear is like size appropriate and not showing like flab and whatever that I have on my body. You know what I mean? So like when someone's confident, I admire their confidence the same

time. I'm like, it doesn't look good. Yeah. Like, if it looked that great, I'd go, oh, maybe I should do it. Doesn't look that bad, but if it looks that great. I'd go oh, maybe I should do it doesn't look that bad But that look that bad every time I see it it looks bad. Yeah, whenever I see someone taking risks like that I'm always like I always really respect it because I'm like damn dude. I fucking I don't know I've never ever felt comfortable taking one Fashionable risk ever then I by the way then I made fun of Josh for five minutes because another girl walk by Who had a great like body He goes, oh man because I just man. I love a great ass. I'm like, oh, you're the guy. Oh, you're the one guy That loves a great ass if you would have liked the first one then will you be in a with them be talking man

Call me wacky, but I love a great set of tits Maybe I'll maybe I live out on the extremes but oh man I'm insane I love a girl with a body like an hourglass um I'm a sucker for tight pussy. It would have been better if he goes you know what I love fucking blown tire marks on a tum tum. Dude no bullshit that's one of my favorite quotes ever was Metzger used to have this wacky, like I think Ecuadorian friend and he spoke like he had a real crazy accent. I figured about even friends probably drugs shit. And Metzger had another roommate I think for a while where his girlfriend did who was this real big heavy sick girl. Yeah. And she

was pretty. I think I was trying to, I think I tried to banger. She was very pretty, but she's a big, big girl. But it was funny. Kurt was surprised at his little Ecuadorian friend, Fukter, and in the morning, like she had left for work, I guess, and that guy comes out of the room, I get his boxers. And he sees Kurt. He goes, Kurt, I don't know what it is, but sometimes I like having sex with big, fat, sloppy, weem. I always made me laugh so hard. Big, fat, sloppy weeem. That's what we're talking about. It always made me laugh so hard. Big fat sloppy weeem. You got a card between me and you.

Sometimes ordering extra makes me happier. Short guys are the fat girls of guys. You're right. You could probably if it was a confidence game. Yeah, I sold it the other night on Bobby Kelly's live chat, but Lucid that they're short guys are the fact girls of guys, but like I don't know if that's a perfect analogy Because we also have fat short about being short Because yeah, because Jacob's in Jacob's and tremendous shape

Got a body is great Josh Adam Myers short Josh Adam Myers is a short king and he's got His got another one good body very good shape. If you're a short king you better have some core strength. Justin, I made that decision a long time ago. Yeah, I got to work with what I have. Yeah, I see the short guy that had me wrapped around his finger because he was also bald. Bring it. I want to see it. Bring it there on the right. Hey, what's up guys? I want to see it bring it there on the right. Hey, what's up guys? What's going on guys? Christine has no type. Yeah, wow. I guess comedian. I guess did you show me that I try to do comedies or tight?

When you showed me that I was like how did you not cheat on Jay with finolia? Yeah, so it's a... Every day, every day was a challenge for her. Every day she went, oh my god, that fucking bald head, come here. Come get some. Come get some of llama. The article did make me insane, but that was because I thought it was condescending. This person did not care about the subject at all, and writing a lot of using a lot of bad short puns Yeah, and it made me insane

Yeah, he flipped out, but that's all I wanted to say all right. Well, she's a shit writer How about this? How about this girl Logan Nealus one state of the man a few inches shy of her her first and last experience with someone shorter. What did this guy do? I'll tell you what I did. I told her the options. You can either be with me or you can hit the highway. I'm gonna walk through a gold-plated street all the way up to Victoryville. I'll tell you what happened. I went in for a hug and I coughed and I bit her clit off. Yeah Well, I'm sorry that my chin hit the opening of your pussy, but I was going for a tight hug You didn't get me to that's as high as I can kiss. Oh stop it. You're lucky to get a headbutt from me on your couch I didn't headbutt your ass. I sneezed

Yeah, dude the fact that she was like few inches shy first and last. Bye bye. I need a guy that can dunk on me. Yeah what if she's like oh 64. Dumped on. Yeah. I'm a 64 woman and this guy was like 6 1 never again. Man when you see a tall woman and then they find a guy you know they're like thanks. Hi can you come over here, please? I just told her. I know you want to petite woman with big tits,

but I'm, I'm big. Can you please? Okay. Okay. So I feel for this guy now because I'm reading more. It's a, the girl says it didn't bother me. But our conversation always went to how I'm taller than him and way out of his league. I tried two more dates after I felt so uncomfortable at how his insecurities were getting to the conversation. I felt like he was always trying to compensate for being short, kind of like those little dogs that pocket everything. And I'm telling you, I fully get that approach to them.

I'm all like little dick fat. So, you know, if you're ready to deal with that, maybe I'll surprise you a little. If you torpedo a date by bringing up how uncomfortable you are being short, then you deserve to be dumped. I mean, we'll call this on there. I was dumped when they saw me coming around the corner. Oh, yeah, I think you might have brought this up before.'t the woman see it and be like, oh no. Well, that was I was new to apps and I didn't put my height because I didn't really think about it and then it took me two dates to realize I better put it on because I couldn't take the look when they saw me their face dropped. The don't know if you find the next girl shows up.

The next girl shows them and goes, oh, I thought you were kidding. I thought that was a profile joke. Yeah, I liked it because I thought you were being funny. Oh, shit. Well, egg on my face. I'm going to take some to go. I'm going to get some to go food out here and get out of here. She goes, I don't know.

Maybe you want to look at the kids menu? We can do something. Hey, date, you want some pesquetti? If you told the short Kings out there, put your height on the app, because it's pick your poison, you're going to knock out 90% of the girls, but at least the ones that that 10% know what they're getting into and are fine with it. But I'll tell you what also one advice, word of advice, if you do get one of these dates

and you get to Outback's day of house, restrain yourself from the option of flipping over that little Koala kids fun book with the crayons because it's not going to be a good look with your feet kicking off the ground and finishing amaze But and I will also say do not ask her to go cup are they're gonna give you one littered and animated animals I'm a Joey I wore off the Joey menu Oh Oh look at Joey fingers They have back they have mac and cheese here like no not in the big menu. They don't

Mac and cheese I'm like the little Joey menu. I'm gonna work with a little Joey menu. I'm gonna get dinosaur nuggets and coconut shrew. Oh dude holy shit. Petite man. Oh, petite men have been short-changed, assuming of the fault little spoon position. Jacob would you rather be called petite or short? No, short. I'm not petite. Yeah, that's a little sweet. That's a little sweet. Do you prefer in shape or frail? Yeah, do you prefer skinny or withering away? Yeah. Do you like thin or gaunt, brittle looking? Jacob, would you advise Jacob's a great shape? Jacob, would you advise for any overweight short kings to be to get into the gym and just put a fucking body on yourself.

Yeah, if you're short, you want to be as in shape as possible, you have to. Unless you've got so much confidence as it doesn't matter, but it's going to help your dating life. If it's a problem, if you haven't been dating much Is it more like getting like a homely woman than a fat woman because a homely woman can't do anything about her face without like Massive surgeries, but she can have a banging body Butter faces That's that's called for receiving a long route for that didn't she

women who are homely looking and they don't have things but they can have banging bodies obviously a term for that uh... yeah they've been around uh... women go at height fishing it says quote unquote uh... a man who is five foot six needs an additional hundred seventy five thousand dollars i guess that mean a year?

We're just in current in current cash 175,000 to be as desirable as a man was approximately six foot tall and only make 62 five a year Hmm, that's like 25 grand an inch dad Jake here's the thing Jacob, where's the dad on that this kids a goof is no matter what his heights not his issue It's his fucking Asian throw hair I don't agree with who they this writer did the profile on yeah, they just grab like four they grab like five odd Asian people Like that's how was this a test. Yeah, they got, I don't know. Makes me feel a little weird. You know, I just realized I've never even heard mention

that he is on the shorter side in Jacob. I think you guys are the same exact height. It's Josh Adam Myers. I don't think he's ever brought it up once. I called him a short king in this episode already. Yeah, but he already has. But he has never brought it up. Like he just doesn't bring it up.

Doesn't care. Yeah, Josh crushes, crushes ass. You saw that fucking George Max girl's hot. Yeah, she's like a she's a nine and he was banging her and you know, then He gave her the fucking she was given her the Gaguz so good that she hated him came back around full circle Gaguz. We need to get you that kind of confidence Jacob. You'd be like fucking AW, no thanks. How about we go to WrestleMania and Tampa and she'd be like, and then you'd call me and be like, so do her and I'd be like, I got you, I got you. Let me see if I can charge some things.

Oh, yeah, hang on. Well, I don't tell me my personality is great. It's just the height that was a problem. I told her, jokingly, that she could lose some weight to make her more attractive. I told her, jokingly, that's a weird way to put that. She told me it's not easy to lose weight to which our reply is not easy to gain height too. Oh, this guy,

I mean, literally he had that in pocket. He's like, here's what is that? Is that guy in a marks movie? You're a groucho marks movie? He's like, I said, well, it's not easy to gain height either. And she said, well, I don't even believe it's hard. Yeah. No way. I don't even believe he said it all. That's his dream. He just came home and got the phone, you just gave you the phone call lie. Yeah. My friend goes, yeah, it's you guys just fucking me outside. What'd you do, guys?

I shoved one down, the other one kind of ran off. And you're like, really? It's like, no, they told me to fuck off and say, what's up, pussy? You know, like, I had my head turned. This guy came up with that phrase while he was searching through his kitchen and refrigerator for something to eat and he goes Oh, yeah, you're short. Oh, fuck it. Why don't you lose weight? You fucking fat bitch and she's all shut through

The refrigerator and she asked me and I said fucking out easy to gain height. Damn, that's good DC DC this going in the college wasn't any easier as people constantly drooling over NBA players took a subtle toll easier as people constantly drooling over NBA players took a subtle toll. It's like people want to f**k basketball players like. You've been listening to SiriusXM's bonfire! New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on SiriusXM!