The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Skiing While Influencing

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

Jay purchases a weapon and injures himself with it at the store. | Bobby records himself skiing because he needs to still be an influencer while going down a mountain. He pays the price dearly. | Jay wants to give himself the nickname of "The Science." He then assigns the whole crew their own new names. Cackle, The Beef, Magic, Family, and The Influence are all members of the Bonfire. Find out what they mean! *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Lower that light, Christine. And turn that heat down. Oh, my God. That's hot. Pin it. Pin it. Jacob did it.

He's a monster. Pin it. He is a monster. He's a liar. He's a fink. He's a snake in the grass. He's just a cold-blooded animal. Jacob broke my heart this weekend.

He did. You saw it. Oh. You saw it unfold. Oh, no. He said no one thought he was going to the... No, no, everyone knew except you. That you weren't going.

Yes. I want to keep it from me. I want to... No, that doesn't... This is what Jacob does. He says stuff like it's facts and it's not facts. That's... Go ahead.

Okay, first of all, before we get into this, I want to get my compliment from you. Jacob said he had an on-air compliment he'd like to present me. Before we get into this heated debate. Jacob, the floor is yours. Yeah, before the negative... I'm so fascinated with influencer Bobby. Yeah.

Have you followed him this weekend, you went on a journey. He takes you on vacation with him. He, Max, and you, the viewer, go on vacation, the three of you. And it starts literally in his driveway, we're leaving now. It gets into the car, their drive, and then you all arrive at the, we all arrive at the tiny house. Yeah. We settle in. and then we go on the ski slopes.

We do stop at the Charlton Plaza where we stop as a family all the time. I'd like to explain to you, Bobby, though, that I don't feel so far this is a compliment. No, no. Now, he did tell me at the beginning, I hope you know it's a compliment. Okay.

And I do, as an influencer, I do take it as a compliment because in my world... As an influencer, I don't think you can pick up sarcasm? These words to you as a stand-up comedian in that world, I live in both worlds. I'm what they call a day-walker.

I live in the stand-up comedian. It's just vicious and mean and sarcastic and, you know, you're just on your own. But in the influencer world, we bond together. It's a, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, is Jacob an influencer? No, no, I'm not, but that was a compliment, like, I can't, I, I'm like you, what you brought up last week. I could never allow the access. Right.

Bobby gives you access. I allow the viewer to be right with us in the car and to follow along with this journey. because there's a lot of kids out there and there's a lot of dads out there that, you know, maybe they don't maybe this weekend's tough or should I take the kid and it's like, no man

go spend time with your kid and you know what? You're going to have a good time with your kid watch this and I'm going to show you I'm going to take you on a little journey now I did edit out or didn't film the parts where I yelled at Max and had to say sorry and the parts where he fucking annoyed me to no end and he ate like a fucking billy goat in my car

and I was like you get in front drives everywhere. I've learned that from the outdoor boys that you edit that part out. The, you know, the abuse. Yeah. You got to leave that. That's what that Jody Hilderrant did. That famous, whatever that influencer girl was, the Mormon lady who had all the kids and they found out of the kids were all being beaten and like fucking locked in cages and shit. Yes, very. But in between that, but in between that, they were doing crafts. Crafts. Well, the outdoor boys, I've talked about them before, he's just, he does this whole thing

with his kids. He goes in the, out in the middle. It builds a snow fort and sleeps for three days with these three kids. Yes. But there's always, if you watch close enough, there's always a clip where one of the kids does something. You can hear them, you know, snap a little bit. Yeah, he gets a little, but they cut it out and mid-snap, like right at the beginning. Hey, dot! Hey, a dot!

And me and Max, we recreate it. So it's like, hey, duh. And then it cuts, we're like, we recreate it. I'm like, I told you not to fucking do that, Jacob. Put it down. I will tell you, and we'll have to wait for the pre-refer. record this week. Yeah. To tell up a little teaser. I heard

something in the background of the David Vox-Mollin special that I'd never heard before. Laughter? Almost everything. No? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it changes everything. Really? It changes. It's the part we already watched. Okay. But there's something said in the background that none of us ever caught before. Myself included. Oh, I'm excited.

It's really good. That's great. I love it. Oh, don't do it. No, no, don't bring it up. Don't bring it up. I don't know. Take it down. Just this part? We got two. We already watched this part. No. This is,

this is tomorrow. Oh, yeah, yeah. We do it tomorrow. Jacob Deshpley wants to know. Patience is a virtue, Jay. No, no, I just want, I can wait until tomorrow I want to finish my compliment.

Oh, yeah, please. Sorry. We did step up there. Let me get him a compliment. Let me get them to come up to where you were. I don't know how Bobby does it, just letting everybody see every single thing he does. Well,

it's so weird that like you never think to just spend the time with your family. You want to show people you're spending time of your family. I think you were over there. Don't forget the part where we went, I could never do it. Well, here's what.

I couldn't do it because... You don't have a family. Yes. We're going to do it by yourself? It would be sad to do it by yourself. Yeah, it would be sad. I was considering, Bobby inspired me. I did want to do sad,

one day of sad influencer, Jacob. I told him to do this. He should do set, like a band workout by himself in a mirror. Yeah, you don't need a family vacation. Dude, you are the vacation. I'm working on a nickname.

for people, by the way, too. You're going to be the vacation. Jacob is the vacation. I got mine. I'm the science. What? I want that word spread out there. Okay.

I'm the science. All right. And when people see me, you say, what's up, science? Like, I want it to be a catch. You want people to walk up to you and go, what's up, science?

It came to a good thing. We were doing a body-brain coffee read. Yeah. As we all do. No, I don't get paid for that, so I probably should get some, maybe a new nickname. But, uh...

He started paying us, though. I don't like, did he? No. Interesting. I keep making the joke that I don't drink coffee. I don't like coffee at all. But I want to support the brand, so I've been shooting it up my ass. Nice.

Boofing it, if you will. And legally, because there is no physical science on this happening, Lewis has to say, at the end of that, he goes, by the way, he goes, that's just Jay's claim. It doesn't, there's no science. backing that up and I said I am the science yeah Jay the science I'm not like a morbidly obese anymore so big Jay doesn't even really fit anymore who cares big's gone Jay the science O'Kerson science but you can just call me science science I like science

it's good right yes okay O'Cerson is the science you have a backstory and why is he vacation may I ask because he doesn't have a family so he's just vacation I thought Lewis should be more vacation Because he takes one every other week That does make sense Or oh yeah We can call Jacob the family He doesn't need a family

He is the family That is, I like that That's what it is It's always what you don't need Because you are in Right So I think lonely Jacob Influencer

Fantastic You're just eating alone Waking up alone No not lone No then on Friday He's the family He's the family Family dinner

Family vacation Because he's the thing family right gotcha you understand now right i was going to do like and we're going uh we're going we're going uh we're going to the laundromat now it's friday night and then and then we and i'll argue with one of the mexican moms over the folding table that's good content that's fantastic content but you go do you go do laundry on a friday night sometimes Saturday that's a Friday night that's a Friday night for him jay Saturday night night yeah there's less people buddy he he's he He's with his family.

I'm the family. Oh, I didn't realize it was a family, family laundry. He said where. He didn't mean where. He went, the family, the family and I are going to do laundry on Friday night. Yeah, we're. Just the family.

Just the family. Just the family. It's family laundry night. Family laundry night and you go down and you do it. Exactly. Yeah. And they go, where's your family? I am the family.

I am the family. The reason I can't do what Bobby does, though, is the, I mean, the access part. It's like the, what's the architectural digest videos where the celebrities give a walking tour schematic of how to kill them. I don't know. A lunatic. What?

I don't know. I know you're talking about the walkthrough things. Yeah, like, I don't understand celebrities to give you that much information about the insides of their house. That's crazy to me. Well, you do it. I do. But there's rules. You can't have license plates.

You'll never see a license plate. You see, this is what I need to learn. You need to learn these things. I don't have a car, though. Can't do a license plate? Bobby. That doesn't bother. If somebody wanted to find and kill your family, you can't.

It happened in moments. Actually, Max found all my information on the internet and one day I went, Dad, you know this was here in the yellow page? Someone sent that to me the other day. Someone sent me a whole thing. It was just so you know. And there was like my address, my thing. I'm like, well, great.

I've never been to your home, but I know how to find you. You can find me in the big house. If you come to the tiny house, I have around seven guns waiting for you. Yeah, I know. And I sleep with one. But it takes you a while to get them because you keep banging your head and elbows trying to open things. No, I actually can't turn the gun side.

I have to hold it up to the ground. You took your family to a shoebox or windows. I can only shoot people outside. If you shoot that gun inside your house, everyone's ears will bleed. You blow your drums out. Yeah, I went skiing, Jay, for the first time. Yeah, it was this Walton Goggin showing his house, and he's showing the height marks from other people's kids?

He lives in an old, stupid house. Oh, probably. Yeah, he lives in an old... I like his house, but I know it's not forever. Of course you would. There's too much wood. And that's not my first choice. You're all these people who carved their shitting.

This is an old house in Hollywood that stars would live in over the years and they would put their stupid things in it. Also because Jacob does look so much like young Charles Manson. The family also works with that too. That is true. Jacob is the family. Yeah, we could actually put his face and eyes on all the, like a hair, like you're the family. If you can make your sisters and your brothers and your mothers and your fathers all around

you and we just put your face in it because you're the family the family if you took a pick Jacob you would do the picture of you like like with your eyes open like this and gritting you would side by side with Charles Manson young Charles Manson young handsome Charles Manson the one that got all the pussy well there's

one I had in the front of my CD rack yeah yeah yeah it looks exactly like young Charles Manson yeah yeah that's the one that's a dead ringer for young manson Jacob's got a couple he looks just like young Chaz man look at look at Look at it right there. Oh, my God.

It's Jacob, dude. You got to let your hair grow out a little bit. Look how cool you would look with a buzz cut and a full beard. Real quick, I think we found his style, by the way. Young Charles Manson. Yes, I agree. Should be your style. I've said that for the longest time.

Oh, we should get you one of those shirts with the ropes, the rope tie in the front. You should dress like fucking Peter Pan. I despise a hippie look, man. No, not the hippie. I don't want you to do the hippie look either. God bless America, Jacob. Jerkoffs. Are you done with your compliment, by the way?

That's basically it. Yeah? How about the... That was a good band-way workout. Come with me to the kitchen while I fill up my water bottle. Hey, Jake, I'm sorry real quick. I'm just going to take this pen right here. I'm going to just draw a little something between your eyes here.

Okay. Right here. Hang on. Can you make your forehead tight? Thank you. Okay. We got it. And there it is.

What do you think of that, Bobby? All swastika between the eyes. Doesn't I do something for you? Right. On the money. You should bring that on vacation. You should take that to the vacation, dude. I'll pose in front of the swastika book.

Shose from the swastika book now. I tell you what, when we do the Zoom call, there's nothing lonely than Jacob's apartment. Oh, can I show you guys a little thing I bought when I was out in San Fran? My hotel is right by the wharf. I never go walk around and do stuff. Is it a key chain dildo? No. What is it?

It's a knife. You bought a knife? Yeah. All right. Well, let's settle down because I bet it has some. some silly shit on it. I'm already, uh, maybe it doesn't, I'm excited.

No, come on, dude. No, maybe it's silly. No, you know what? I apologize. Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, I'm sorry. I'm a knife guy. And I lashed out. I lashed out and I'm sorry.

You bought a knife and I'm proud of you. There's a store on the wharf. I'm sorry. Weeby knives. They had everything. Weeby knives? Wee be knives. It wasn't black at all.

Oh, that's not what I was going to say, but. They had everything. They have actual batterangs. What's a batarang? Like the Chinese stars are the bats for Batman. Oh, really? Like they have the actual sharpening, like throwing knives of the batterangs.

Wow. It's pretty dope. They have Rambo knives. Weeby knives. There it is. There's the batterangs. So I was like, you know what I missed a lot? I love that knife right there.

Do you know what I missed a whole lot? What? My butterfly knives. So I don't know if you recall. Christine got caught trying to smuggle them them onto the plane. Right, because she's a ninja. After successfully smuggling them through JFK.

JFK, don't give a shit, dude. You can bring double blades. Don't give a fuck. They thought she was a tonne. So, I go, do you have butterfly knives? He goes, yeah, we got a whole bunch. Ranging up to $500 some dollars, somebody's butterfly knives. Wow.

And, yeah. And so I had the butterfly knife, and I was like, well, you should probably show this guy. I know the basic open and clothes flip-flop for the thing, right? Why wear the mittens if you're not going to do but a knife? No mittens. And I went, I went, bink, bang, boom, open, bink, bank, boom closed. Felt the knife itself, like, tat my finger, of course.

But it's only one side of blade. And the guy goes, he goes, yeah, you want to do that always holding the side with the mechanism on it. And I went, oh, then I do the other one. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. You mean, your finger. And I went, I go, oh, yeah, just a little. So I like suck the blood off my finger And then you actually choke because it was so much blood

And then I'm pointing in other things I'm like, what is that right there? He goes, that's an Italian stiletto switchblade And I go, I go, can I see that one? And he goes, do you want a band-aid man? I go, oh no, it's fine, I'm good. As he's pointing, it looks like a Pollock painting in the back.

By the third time, by the third time he asked me if I wanted a band-aid dude, it was running down my hand and he was like, you sure you know? I go, yeah, that thing was sharp, huh? I didn't feel that. So then I put all the butterfly knives away. I'm like, no more of that.

Then... You're too old for a butterfly knife? The stiletto, Italian... Yeah. Stiletto butterfly knives. One had ram horn, like, handle. But those are the ones where you push the button that side ejects and comes up.

That's the beat it. Highly illegal in New York. Really? Highly. Okay. Well, that's... Was beautiful, but he was like... This isn't, like, functional really much in all in life.

This is a show piece. Yeah. This let me show. And I go, oh, I'd want something that's a little more functional. And we're going around and then we landed on this. Jacob, do you want to look? Because Bobby thinks it's going to be silly. I don't think it's going to be silly.

Come over here. Come over here. No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, show me. Come over here. No, show me. Dude, I'm sorry. Can I apologize?

This is what I meant if I'm giving a compliment. You want to see it. You want to see it? Bear, bear. I apologize. Tell me you think it's going to be a cool knife. I think it's going to be a really cool knife. Oh, you have a micro-tech.

Is that micro-tech? I don't know. Oh, listen to that snap. That spring action is nice. Yeah. Yeah, that thing, can I just real quick? That's a felony, by the way. Huh?

That's a felony in New York. No. Yeah. It's too small. No, dude. That automatic part, you'll go to jail. Like, leave me, put your hand, fingerprints this real quick? Blackwood just hold this for a few seconds?

Just for a few seconds. Just really feel the grip, dude. Ian Finanace just got arrested with one of those. No. Yeah, the cops saw it in his pocket, and he took it out, and it was an automatic knife, and they took them away. So if I pull it out, it has to taste blood.

It's got to taste blood. I'm going to jail anyway, right? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Why? It's automatic. That's what it is?

It's that little button right there. And you're old? Yeah. And I don't know if it's over three inches. Does this have a safety? Yeah. That if I push it against something, it kills itself? Yeah, it won't.

You wouldn't be able to, you couldn't put it against somebody's body and it shoot out. You can't. No, do it into a notebook, into the tissue box, Jay. Yeah, it won't. Like this? It will actually, it will unhinge, and you have to reset it. Well, I mean. Oh, really?

It is unhinged, though. Yeah, it shoots at a little bit. Yeah, you'll, you'll, you'll, a little bit, but it won't go. in them. I mean, that's a nice spring. It's a nice spring. That's a nice spring dude. Yeah, just like the very tip.

Yeah. So it would hurt you. It would, they probably wouldn't feel it. They probably, so sharp. Yeah, they probably, like you, didn't feel that you sliced your finger up and down to the tendon. You have to flick it. And you were flicking blood in a guy's eye, just like that.

Can I see it? Can you pass it over to me, Jacob? No, no, no, no, no, no. Pass it over. It's a knife etiquette. What? Well, now that you're a knife on it, we have to take you. Pass the knife to the right hand side?

We have, pass the knife. To the right, hand side, past the knife. All right, here we go. Switchblade is any knife that opens automatically by a button-springer device for handle. What does that mean? It's illegal. Yeah. Okay.

Including beyond standard switch blades. What's the standard mean? Gravity knives? What's that? That's a knife that... Metal knuckle knives are the coolest ones. Cain swords are illegal? Yeah.

Oh, man. I got a happy bad of this city. No, that's nice, man. I'll tell you, I have one of these. Yeah. I have a micro-attack, which... which is the name brand of these type of knives. This one is, this is a solid knife.

Buck 50. And that's cheap, man. The micro-tech is like 400 bucks, 300 bucks. But you said that was a really good one. This is a great, and it has a little, this right here. I would have spent more. A window. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's a glass breaker. Glass breaker right there at the end? I didn't know that. Yeah, it's a glass breaker. Keep this in a glove box. Anybody cut, like, the guy today in the thing? You could have got out. There was an Asian guy going super slow.

I would like to put that in his tire. Yeah. And then also, maybe do something where I was like, I run it down my. tongue like intimidation tactics and maybe like point it like to my eye like this like look in his window while I got it touching my eyes sort of this after the show we cut our hands and we do we be bear bear brothers I'm okay with that we do we do uh do you have AIDS too yes I'm not gonna just I'm not gonna just give you AIDS okay thank you good can you pass

that back to a welcome to the brotherhood Jay it's a very cool knife they'd be funny if somebody from the that's a nice one day a listener from the show rats a mountain is just cops waiting from out front it looks like it's a keychain more than a window breaker. No, you can use cordage to put that on there to keep it around, you know, make a little loop on it if you want, but it's a glass breaker. Keep that in your glovy. Then when you get pulled out by the cops and they find that, you go right to jail.

James doesn't get a glass breaker anymore. No, that's a glass breaker. He says it's for a keychain. It's a key chain, but you can break the glass on the end of that, too. That's why they put them there. I'm using this exclusively to stop rapes, but rapes of me. That's not a key chain. You'd actually put the knife to your own throat.

First things first, I welcome a rape, and then I fight, and then I fight it. I walk around ass out in the gayest neighborhood in New York City. You mean New York City? New York City. West Side, constantly bending over to pick up loose change. Asshole, pre-wet. We saw the gayest guy in the world today. And everybody comes up behind me.

The springtime brings out the gays. We saw a guy in black short shorts, a tank top that didn't fit, but it was a woman's tank top with his little belly out with white tube socks up to the ankle and as soon as I saw him I was like that springs back springs back

and then he walked by the boys and they saw him too he's dressed like the guys who serenaded Constance Fry in trading places just like Constance Constance Fry Constance Frye you look at what is a gravity knife

Gravity knife is just you use it it drops drops out. Centrifical force? Yeah, it just drops out. But that doesn't, that's not fun. They're very dangerous. It's very dangerous.

You don't want that knife. But not as fun as that. Because it uses gravity. It's crazy. You know what I mean? Remember the knife I gave you for comedy camp when we did it? Yes. That, like, it just drops out and you hold it with the thumb.

Then that's what keeps it out. If you don't put your thumb there, it will slice your finger off. Oh, Christ. Yeah, those. That's illegal in Europe? No, that one isn't. Those are 100% leagery. No, it says gravity knives.

The one I gave you was illegal. This actually drops out of it and it flips around almost like a butterfly knife, right? And then you lock it in like that. Weeby knives had swords, a mace. Yeah. Like the stick with the ball and the spikes on the end of it is? It's crazy. Can I bring all this home in a suitcase?

He goes, if you check it. Yeah, you can check anything. I can check a mace. He goes, yeah. I have, have you seen my knife collection? Weeby knives? Oh, that little girl, you're able to throw knives at her and she keeps vanishing. She catches him?

She's a ghost. She's a grudge. So the guy who works there, he's just, she's barely not even there. I like that knife. Weeby knives. I want to go there. Run on the wharf? I want a samurai sword.

That's like a real samurai sword. They had them. I want a real one, though. I can put you in touch with the guy who makes them. No, no. Real one? A real, I want a real. I want a real one, though.

The way they made them, they made them. They make them... All right, yeah, okay, I want one. A real samurai sword. Why do you feel you deserve that? Because of my Akito skills. Oh. And my honor that I have with people.

You can just spend a couple hundred and get one. No, I want a real one. Those are fake. That says authentic. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The attendant is always the truth. I mean, there's another one.

The Samurai store. It's the store for Samurai. Yeah. But there's different levels of Samurai store. Christine, please go to the Samurai store, please. up if you want to get one yeah use your knife

put it oh so I can't be reached you probably have to have samurai training that's why I said you can't really get it or a real one oh I have samurai training

do you yes I don't tell you everything bro where's your graduation scroll my graduation scroll and my kata that I had to do for my graduation

but you didn't know that oh and I bet your big giant pants in belt are in the cleaners yeah and I have my baby samurai knife in case I dishonor

anybody I kill myself and your one piece hair that's a top pony tail that you have. I guess it's on your mannequin head at home. How much is that one? Ooh, katana. That's what I want katana. What, how much is that one? It depends

we're willing to put in. 41,000. Yeah, get it. Buy it. I'll pay you back. I do think these are real, though. Yeah, those are real. Yeah, those are real. Well, is that one, how about the $9,000 one? Will that not kill? I don't think as good as a $41,000. It will kill. Like, well, is that going to dull out after I take on a bunch of

Japanese guys overall wearing the same black masks and suits? No, they never dull out. That's the thing. They can slice bullets. But I'm wondering if the $9,000 one does dull out. Well, the $9,000 one, the more expensive one is the sword maker.

So if the sword maker is more prestigious than it's more money. And the older it is. It's probably older. The more expensive one is probably old one. Is it going to rust in the rain when I stand in a suit holding it outside in Chinatown calling out the triads? No, no, it doesn't.

That's the thing. It won't. No. It will not rust because... I'm going to feel like a real ass if I get out there calling out the triads. Sword breaks in the first sword fight. If you buy a two-ed-ed-old-one, yes, it will rust. Okay.

But if you buy one of these, a real one, it will not rust. Now, I don't like gratuitous violence. So when one of these fucking triad cock-suckers comes at me on what I can only assume with some kind of rice burner motorcycle... It's not going to be one. But the first one that comes... Yeah. when I pulled the sword out

and hold it like to the side like this. It's got to be able to take his head clean off one shot. I can't have it like, do you remember the first beheading? Remember why it was so bad? We all thought if someone was going to get their head cut off in one shot. And then it turns out it's more meaty than that. You have to really get in there. Also, those guys don't have knife shopperners in caves in Afghanistan.

It is correct. They did have dull objects. But I'm saying, well, this particular knife take off a yakuze's head completely off and then I can do like a thing. But then afterwards it would slice a tomato. Well, what you want to do, yes, it's a very, it's like Gintu. What you want to do is after you slice the head off, you snap the blood off and then you wipe it on your inner.

Right. Your inner. But then can I cut a shoe in half? Yes, of course. I used to work for Cutco, so I have high standards. I mean, Kukko is the American Samurai. It's the American Samurai. Have you thought about having the sharpest guy you know make you a samurai sword?

How awesome is it having Kukko in your house? when you have to cut anything. I don't know. Oh, why? You don't have cucko? No. Yes, we do. You have cucko?

We have a buttering knife and one other knife. I got the set. We got that Eric from Cucco a gift of us which are very, very sweet. I don't have Cucco knives. I have one. He's a sweet guy. I have, he gave me one too. I have the set.

I'm thinking about moving Christine out though and moving Cucco knives in. I tell you what, I can only live with one or the other. I never get excited when she makes a roast beef and I can use my Cutco knife and make it thin, thin, or thick, whatever, whatever you want. Dude, my roast beef's all ragged and thick. Well, maybe you haven't tried the Cutco carving knife we were getting it. It's like sourdough. Oh, I have the bread knife too from Cutco. Jacob got us a bread knife.

And I'll tell you what has done more than anything else, taking off Christine's fingertips. Christine has bread knife sliced her hand a dozen times since he gave us that beautiful knife. rules, by the way. It's the best. I don't know why she hasn't fully understand yet how sharp it is. Did you get the bagel one? She just cuts bagels like, though. It's the bread.

The bread, it's round? No, I have a cuck-co knife like that. Right. Jacob gave us not a cuck-co knife. A great bread knife. Oh, the guy who gave us... No, it's black maple. No, I got them a bread knife, a serrated.

I got them a serrated. Okay. I think 17 times Christine's going like this with a bagel. So who wants... Yikes! And just like the bagel in one shot and then the button in the middle of her hand. Because she's used to growing up poor.

She didn't have money. So the knives she used her whole life for bagels have been not good knives. Yeah, she's not safe around. That's why I got to keep this blade on me. That's nice, man. She ain't safe around blades. You should get a chain, put it around your neck. Right?

Yeah. I should. Yeah, or actually get the chain for your wrist, that bob wire chain, and hook it onto that so you can flip it up, push the button. You need a neck knife. Yeah? Yes. I don't need a boot knife all this time.

You can put that in your boot. So when Jack's Teller walks around. Yeah. With a thigh strapped or like hanging off his belt like a real long knife. Illegal? Is it automatic? No. No, but it's big.

If it's big, yes. In New York City, I think it's four inches, right? I don't know where they are in that fantasy town. Nobody gets arrested. This is Redwood, Cal. California I'm talking about. I don't know about California. I know New York, it has...

Redwood, Cal, the fictitious town of Redwood, California, where the sons of anarchy are from. You can walk around with a machete there. It's not a machete. I don't think this guy even watched the show. It's like a buck knife, though. They're from Charming. Huh?

What? But the Redwood Originals. Yeah. Jesus doesn't know anything. A lot of, most places you can walk around with a knife. Like the Hampshire, I can have as big enough as I want on my hip, and I usually carry one on my hip. No, you don't.

Yeah, I do. Okay, I don't. But listen, the thing is, I've always wanted to, but Don doesn't let me. I came out of the house with my bushcraft knife on one day. We were going hiking. She goes, what's that for? I go, in case something happens, she goes, you're going to stab it? Don, don't carry a gun on you up there?

Don, don't, play dead. I'm going to stab this fucking bear. I carry my 380 on me when we hike now, which is the best feeling in the, I used to be a, I've, I've always been afraid hiking because there's bears and, you know, big cats and all that out there, whatever. I've always had that fear of like, fuck, what's that noise? But when you put a handgun in my little backpack

and you walk through the wood, you're like, bring it on. I want to fire this. First of all, what you should be doing, forget your fanny pack. You've got to get one of those three strapped things where the guns on your chest already. So you can just walk around like this and then pull it out in case you need it. Maybe I'll be honest

The way Dawn's been talking to you lately Maybe flashed her a little bit Just let her know She's a fucking She's a fucking she's a squeeze away Dude from being fucking with the angels No a 380 won't kill a bear You don't piss them off

No you'll be a black bear You'll scare it off with a 380 She's a squeeze away From fucking making her pasta fojeal for Jimmy Hendrix Janice Joplin A 380 will scare a bear away It'll say if you have to shoot it

Well it's not gonna not hurt it Bobby's a crap shot though too keep in mind yeah i just think it's gonna piss it off it's not gonna pick a grizzly a grisly bear yes a black a black bear then the first shot bobby's gonna put through the soft tissue of the arm to let him know he's not he's not business thank you jay but then the second the second one will be a one that puts him down long and then and then the next one too and then the next one is the kill shot yeah but that's if that bear wants to play hardball i do have a nine millimeter sig i just got with a laser scope on A laser.

Yeah, oh, too, shit. How you're talking? So nice. I'm talking about Terminator. You're going to find John Connor? Yeah. Mike Caltas sent me one. He just sent me a SIG.

He just sent me a SIG. You keep buying you. I know. My safe in the townhouse is fucking nuts, dude. It's half the house. I want this world to fucking come apart right now. I just want to go to the house and sit in my window and wait. Until you run out of bullets?

Then you want the world to come back? I have. I have, I'm done so mad at me. I bought 2,000 bullets. I think that's why you let everyone know when you're there, Bobby. That's not enough. 2000? Nope.

That's enough. No. I have one of those big metal containers. Yeah. An ammo container. I have an ammo container because it was, I was buying rounds, 9mm rounds. No, I was buying the AR rounds. And it was like, well, you can buy this, but if for $10 more, you can just have this big container.

And I just give me that. Dude. I have so many. All my garage furniture would be fucking boxes of rounds. You're supposed to have $10,000, I think. Yeah. That's what they say. Yeah.

For the apocalypse. For the apocalypse, you want 10,000 rounds. I'm not done yet. No, I mean, other people have way more. I'd double it. I think that's the bare minimum. Yeah, that's bare, bare, bare minimum. Bear, bear.

Bear, bear. I would say 100,000 rounds, no less. That's a lot. Huh? I have a tiny house. Got to kill a lot of people. I'd have to make furniture out of the round. Make it your siding.

Yeah, exactly. Outline your house with the boxes. Now it looks you have a big house. It's just most of it's made of ammo. I just put an addition on, made of ammo. Yeah, just stack ammo outside and then put drywall around it. Now you have a medium house.

I love bullets. I know. Dude, there's something about holding a bullet. I don't know what it is. Any instrument of death, really. I mean, how many times I'm going to, like, open this knife in a mirror and flick my tongue out, like a lunatic? What? Just like you have, like, fantasy.

Can you show us right now? Yeah, maybe because when you have to torture somebody who you've caught. I love that you have your knife in a Louis Vuitton. crossbody. Hang on one second. Let me see. It's scary, man. Yeah, right?

Yeah, that's good. You have another look, though? Is that the only look? Well, it's when I tell you, I want to do this and look at the guy and be like, look at my face. And maybe cut myself a little? Yeah. Yeah. A lot of that kind of shit.

Yeah. You should cut a piece of hair off and then eat it. Maybe I'll eat some of my hair. That would send a message. That's nuts. Ooh, that sounds great. Do it again. Oof.

Highly illegal. No. That's not true. It can't even kill a tissue box. Now, once it's out, I get buried in the face of anybody in the world, right? Stab it in the tissue box now. See if it works. Yeah.

It doesn't give up on that. No. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. I don't know how sharp is. I don't know if I'd film that. I don't know how sharp is.

I don't know if I'd. I was pretty sharp, I guess. Let me see Hmm It's not katana shop No no no You have to shop in that Yeah well I have to forge it in my own fire

All the stuff Jay's done since he got it All the stuff he's stabbed it into That's it's it's it's it That's it's it's it's it's it's it What kind of steel is it? I danced around Christine sleeping last night though With it open You put her hand on the table and did the

Yeah yeah She's heavy Yeah I made sure she was snowing She had REM sleep And then I did the finger between the knife's thing. And I'll tell you what, Christine, show me your hands. Nothing. Perfect. Nothing. Nothing. There's an American swordsman who makes katana's in Georgia. Walter Sorrels, you can commission him to make a real bat, a real katana. Now, is he aware there's

no such thing as a swordsman anymore? Not a swordsman, he's a sword maker. Walter. What's his day job? What's his day job? He's an engine. He's an engine. He said no, he's a full-time knife maker now, but he was an engineer. I want like Stingray, you know, either the Stingray handle or shark skin. You can do that. I want that. Yeah. He knows how to do that.

Yes. Okay. I want one. I want one. I want to use it. Who are you going to kill with first? I'm not. I'm going to practice in the backyard in New Hampshire.

Jacob, he doesn't have. No, that's everything now. For some reason, every site you go to is getting that. What is, yeah? What's going on here? Because it's serious satellite. They don't want you to go to like bad sites. Oh, they don't want you to do.

to buy weapons to use at work. Right. Literally every site I've gone on is having been blocked. There's a problem. If you go to, I mean, the sites you go to, I mean, they should be blocked. Yeah. They probably need to confiscate your computer altogether. See what's in there, you son of a bitch.

You sick son of a bitch. Yeah. Little boy outfits. Yeah, dude, I went skiing this weekend with Max. I haven't skied in 30 years. I told you the last time I went skiing. 30 years ago. same mountain

same place my beautiful girlfriend at the time who was the first love of my life Kristen Foley aka Fufus that was her nickname Fufus And

I'm the science She She went She went She was like I want to go skiing I was like I don't want to go fucking skiing

It's too expensive Finally broke me down Gets me up there We get a little shit motel cabin Whatever it was We go up She shows up in a beautiful Snow Bunny

White snow suit little hat blonde hair come she looked fucking great she had a big ass we go up the mountain she goes down I go down by myself as I'm coming down it starts to snow

and I'm like in the snow going back and forth I was like this is the most serene beautiful thing I've ever done and I get to the bottom of the mountain she's standing there in front of the lodge waiting for me and I kind of ski up and I go I'm so sorry that I fought you on this

this is amazing I'm so glad we came she goes we gotta go I go what she goes yeah I shit my pants she got a stomach virus I guess and on her way down she's shit in her snow buddy outfit she just fucking shit all weekend all weekend we're in this stupid motel

she's just shitting her pants and she only brought like nice sexy lingerie she just had g string so the diary was just coming out and separating I had a cleaner underwear in the tub because she had underwear so she I had to clean it that's horrible it was the worst weekend of my fucking life you broke up with her after that no after you washed her diary no she wound up cheating on me and then I found out she wanted to cheat on with a hockey

player did you show the hockey player the shit stayed underwear you clean no we were waiting to waiting to get out of there and return the skis and these two dudes were like flirting with her and I was like you can fucking take her dude she's got shit in her pants have her bro yeah but I was staying I actually went, I went there this weekend with Max. He's, you know, I always thought he's lying. Didn't he shit himself? He didn't shoot himself.

He, uh, he always, he goes to ski camp every Friday. He's been going for a couple years, but he's always like, I went down to black diamond, all this bullshit. I'm like, okay, sure you did. That's cool. You got a big imagination. This fucking kid. He really does.

He, we went down. I, we went, we took a ski lesson together. And he doesn't ski, snowboards, but he took it with me. So we did it. I fell immediately. Then this big lady came over, this fat lady who was my ski instructor. She came over and she taught me a few things. All of a sudden, I'm skiing down the mountain.

I'm doing it. And I'm like, oh, my God, I picked it back up because I think skiing is all mental. If you don't think he can do it, you won't do it. Correct. But if you feel like you can do it, if your brain, it's just a couple. It's like healy's. It's a healy thing, right? I don't think I can do it.

So we wound up going up to the blue up the mountain on the gondola. It's not the highest point, but it's, It's up there. Ski lift? Went up with a ski lift. And so I'm like, you know what? I got this, dude. I went down that mountain, that blue trail a couple of times.

Didn't fall. It was great. So I'm like, I'm going to videotape me skiing. I'm going to, you know, because I'm an influencer. We need to see the story. The story. Well, you're the influence. Yeah.

Robert, the influence Kelly. There's yours. Dude, I love it. The influence. We've got to find everybody else's in the room. God damn. I like that. The family.

The influence. Science. Science. The science. The science? The science or science? No, it's the science, but like people don't have to say, like Elvis was the king. Right.

But when people saw him, they go, what's up, king? Right. Hey, king. But with me, you have to say the in front of it, the influence. No, you say influence. What's up influence? So me I would say fluence. What's up, Fluance?

Oh, I like flu. What up flu? So I was coming down the, I put my phone in the spot to videotape. This is the only videotape. This is the only videotape I got to be skiing right here. This is me. I saw this. This is me skiing.

Now, is this going to take this all the video of a commercial break? How long? I just want to assume it's a long mountain with a big long perilous trip. This is a blue trail. It's pretty up there. You can see it's high up there. You can't see the lodge. But I just want you to notice at the beginning.

If you notice what I notice after I film this, play it. Who's in front of me? Don't know. Just a guy on a wheelchair ski. Oh, really? Yeah. Look. Look.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Look at that. This guy's going. Well, that's easier. Well, how's that easier? Because there's no consequences? Yeah. What are you going to do?

Get paralyzed again? You don't even going to fall. The mountain doesn't look like a mountain. It looks straight. No, that's a road. That's a, that's off, right over that little hump right there. It goes down. Oh, I don't see that.

I didn't get to that. Well, you can't get to that. You look how high up I am. You can see the clouds, Jacob. Look at that. You can see the clouds wherever you stand in the world. They're up. But I'm closer to the clouds.

Well, it looks like you're below the trees, which are way below the clouds. I'm not up at the top, but I'm up there. It's high. Okay. All right. I haven't seen it in 30 years. Sure. I wouldn't do this at all.

I praise you. All right. Well, it doesn't sound like you guys are praising me. It sounds like you find flaws. I didn't watch the videos. I don't know when they're all hard starts. You're describing this as like you're catching air. No, no.

And I mean, you're not in the sky. You're on the ground well below. clouds look at look at look at the mountain in the distance it's just it's not Everest dude this is somewhere by your tiny house listen I'm not saying it's Everest and I don't know why I said Everest like that they always say when you go down this mountain here if you don't see skeletons it's crazy but most people don't make it down the mountain this is this this is this is this is pretty high for me and then and see where that little see where the line is right there that goes down and goes down again and then goes down again and then goes down again

It's a ski hill. It's a ski mountain, Jay. It's a mountain. It's a mountain. It's not a hill. Skiing mountain. It's a ski mountain. It's a loon mountain. For skiing.

Yeah. Not Loon Hill. This is a mountain. It's a loon mountain. I'm on a mountain. Right. All right, here we go play it. Now watch me.

Look at this. I'm going to try to see through the clouds. Look, stop, stop, stop, stop. Okay, whatever. Okay, whatever. That's the hive. I'm not doing that. No.

I'm halfway up the mountain. Right. Right. Okay. And you stay there. Watch here. Look at this. Pretty good, right?

Watch. I thought so. Back. Back. Fourth. Here I go. Back again. Back.

Look how good I'm doing. I thought you were doing really good. You're turning too wide. Yeah, I turn too wide. You're panicked. You panicked. Jesus Christ. Go back a little, Christine.

Go back just a little bit. If you listen, you can hear this lady immediately. Turn too wide. Listen. Brath? Did you hear my... Bobby, you get asked if you're okay. Yeah, I heard you give the verbal the thumbs up to the Indian guy at the fucking...

Someone always has to go, oh my Christ, are you okay? And you have to go, totally golden. Yeah. I did go, I'm good. I stuck my thumb off. It's my go-to. But did you hear my binding just snap off my ski? Is that what it was?

Yeah, did you hear this snap? It just, right at the end, it just snapped off. Right there. Did you hear that click? The ski just snapped off, and I went headfirst into the fucking mountain. Then you clear it off for us? Always the influence, dude. The influence is taking to miss a moment.

No, right here, dude. Clear off that cheese cloth or whatever the fuck's over, your stupid camera. Oh, there we go. Of course I do. there you go internet god damn it it hurt too man it hurt

it did not not feel good it's the price of influence but yeah you didn't it didn't you didn't dawn on you to not film that buddy buddy listen man when you're the fluent

I'm the fluence dude yeah yeah dude the influence yeah I'm the influence dude I gotta do it let's pick one for let's do DJ Lou Oh, dude. The board?

The board? No. I like that. Sound man? Nope. Too much. Nope. Forehand?

The something. The board. I like the board. I don't like the board. You don't like it? The boring. I don't like the board. No, dude, it's the B-O-A-R-D.

How about the button? The magic. The magic. How about the magic? What about the magic? You're the magic. Oh, Jesus. Do you have a sound effect for ours?

For J? I don't know if you heard on the science. Yeah. Yeah, for the science I have. Okay, go, let's hear it. Oh. I'd say the science. I'm the science.

I like that. And Bobby, you're the influence? I'm the influence. Oh, yeah. I do like that. Of course. And what about the fam? Crickets?

Oh, wait for the fan. I can't get that sound sad enough. Here's your sound, ready? I got it, Jacob. The fam. play the violin lu oh yeah sad violin

he knows the father he goes oh shit the family's here Jacob the family batat this should be playing in the background of all your videos by the way this should be get this from Lou what's up y'all what's up y'all

it's the fucking family here Hey, I'm having salmon again tonight Want to watch me cook it? I was going to make salmon for the audience Do you want to watch us? Do you want to watch us cook it? It's called Black Lou the beef. The beef? People say, where's the beef?

There's the beef. It's the beef right there. Does he have a beef? I don't know if he has a beef. Oh, a beef. Oh, like battle beef. No, I was just saying he's our beef, like probably the big swing and wang in the room. I don't think he, I don't know if he does.

You don't know if Black Lou's got a big huge black penis? I don't think he does. Possibly he might not. I don't think he does. Do you have a big? He's confirmed it. Depends on what you think big is. What I think big is is anything over five inches.

Oh, then he's fine, yeah. And I have a monster cock, Bobby, look out. I've seen yours. Bobby, look out. I have a monster cock. It's close to not big. You saw it in a very different state. Christine's smiling right now, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah. She could laugh, I guess. It's the beef. What's up, beef? Beef's here. What's up, beef? What fuck was that? Oh, man, come on.

You know that beef. We've got to come on with Christine now. We're just missing Christine. Are we going with the beef? We like the beef. You like the beef? We like the beef. Do you like the beef?

Yeah, unless you like respectfully better. Oh, I do like respectfully. It's too many words. The beef. What the nickname's got to be short. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's Lou the Beef.

What about Speck? Lou the Beef Johnson. Respect. Respect? Respect. I don't mind that. I was going to throw out Dallas. Dallas, no.

What is the fucking outsiders? No. Dallas is a love of the game. That's right. He's Nuggy Lamont. I don't mind that. Is that too racist to call him Nuggy Lamont? Nuggy Lamont?

Nuggy? Nuggy or Wabbledee? Dabbledee. Wabbley. It's two wordy too, yeah. How about Wabbledy? Wabledy. How about dabbledy?

I like the other one. What's the other one? The beef. That's right. He's Nuggy Lamont. Nuggy Lamont is good. Nugie Johnson? Nuggy Johnson?

I don't mind Nuggy Johnson. That's close. Nuggy Johnson is good. That has two meanings. What? That's the other one. Christine. Just Christine.

Just Christine. How about the Bedusa? The produce. The bedusa. Budusa. Budusa. How about Medusa? Yeah.

Because sometimes you look. The Produca. And it's like Medusa, but she's a producer. Yeah, producer. Too much to people figure out. Too much to figure out. Yeah. The beef.

How about high-j-threat? Christine the beef. I got one, high-cheeks. High-cheeks? Yeah, she's got Indian high cheeks. Can Bobby's be shortened to just the flu? No. I said the fluence, I said.

I like, the fluence. The fluence is good, the fluence. Christine, what about, for Christine, I just had it, shit. What was it? I don't know how to do with her face. Oh, giggles. Giggles. How about the laugh?

The laugh. The cackle? The cackle. The cackle. The cackle, almost like the jackal. Christine the cackle Evans. Christine the cackle Evans. Yeah, what's up cackle?

What's up cack? What's up cackal lecacca lecacca lecacca lecacca la laca laca. What's up cackle? All right? Here we go. What's up cackle? Hey. It doesn't hit bad.

We're going to have Lou on point, though, ready? We're going to go Christine. We're going to go me. We're going to go Lou. We're going to go Jacob and then Jay. You ready? Okay. I'll go with Christine.

first, then you go. I do you. You do me. Okay. What's up, cackle? Oh, shit, it's defluence. It's good. I like it.

I like it. Family in the house. Oh, where's that beef? No, it's that beef. Noogie Johnson. Noogie Lamont. Nugie Johnson That's right

He's Nuggy Lamont But you have to say the full one on that Noggy No, you can't just say Nuggy Noi You're right What's up Nuggy? You'll be careful with that

You know what I don't know yeah Nuggy's scared Yeah you'll be careful with that All right I like the beef Let's go back to the beef The beef's safe

I like it better Yeah it's a little better You know what I'm screaming That's coming that out in the public Nuggy So peace Like did you just say Nuggy I think I did

I never looked up I looked up the character Nugie Lamont And it's short for His actual name As the character is Nugget Nugert

Nuggy Lamont Wow Nougat Nougart That's crazy Why Nougart? Because somebody who writes Miami Vice is hilarious

I think Sonny used to call him Nug Because he didn't know how to read And he couldn't tell How racist it was That's the truth You know how to read for sure Nugert

I mean, we all knew. Isn't that what they have in Snickers bar? Newgett. No, that's Newgett. I'm sorry. I love Nuget. We all love Nuget. I love a Nuget.

That can't be too much Nuget. Not too much Nuget, but I like just enough Nuget with nuts on top covered in chocolate. A Nuget. Is that a real name? Is that completely made up for the show? It's made up by somebody hilarious. I've never heard that before. Right.

Times are different. Yeah, way different. Times are different, Jigam. You're damn right. He was known as a colorful street smart hustler. He was great. You never did mine yet. You didn't laid on me yet.

Ready? Saving the best for that. What's up, science? Oh, hey. I love it. I think we need a little more on your sound effect. Probably. Weird science.

I think we need a little... I think maybe add the It's Alive, it's Alive. Yeah. I think we need that. We need a little more. Because, you know what I mean? It wasn't enough. Or we could just do a good.

the beginning of a, like, weird. And he goes, it's alive. It's alive. What's up, science? Weird. Whenever you're ready, though. He's figuring it out on the fly. No, I meant that genuinely.

Whenever you're ready, buddy. Oh, yeah, whenever you're ready. We'll sit here dead air. Wait, look at this when you Google. No pressure. We will not talk until you find this. Right there. We need the weird.

Weird. And then we go, what's up, science? Ready? We need weird. Weird. What's up, science? What's up, science? Hey.

I like it. I like it. Yeah, then add that. We all got new nicknames. We all got new nicknames. Jesus Christ. Wait, but look real quick, when you Google, is Nougar a real name? It just autocorrect to Nuget and explains Nuget.

So I guess it's not. There's no way to fail. They made that name up for. him. It didn't even ask, do you mean Newgett? It says, it goes, nope. Not anymore. You think it at least come up like Miami Vice?

Yeah, it was on an episode of Miami Vice. In the 80s, it meant Newgett, but not now. Weird. Oh, that's right. Bobby Kelly does stand-up comedy all over the country. He's coming to a new city near you. He's going to be at the Verve in Somerville, New Jersey on March 19th. Come

for the pizza. Stay for the comedy. Yeah. Comics Roadhouse in Connecticut after that as April 17th and 18th. After that, Uncle Vinnie's in New Jersey, Cleveland, Ohio, New Orleans for tickets and all other tour dates. Go to punchup.com.com. And check out the YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy. And of course, every Tuesday night, Fat Black Pussy Cat Lounge to Comedy Cellar, 7 p.m. Get your tickets for it. And Big Jay is going to be at the Comedy Zone in Jacksonville, March 13th and the 14th. And I'm pretty sure every show he does from now until the next year. year. He wants somebody to bring him a knife. So bring him a knife. Oh yeah. Yeah, bring him a knife. I am the science. Yeah, he is the science. You have to yell that out when you see him, by the way. Comedy on State and Madison, March 19th through the 21st. After that, he'll be in Phoenix. You know what? Don't bring me a knife to live nation events, though, because live nation clubs,

because they will confiscate that from you. No, please bring him knives. Wait from my front and just hand him knives. Tempe, St. Louis. Just leave it by the backstage door with the side that says, science. It's the science. Leaving the science door. Tickets on all the tour days. BigJ.comedy.com.

YouTube.com slash at Big Jogerson. We will be right back. I got to get the science.com. Get the science.com real quick for somebody does it. I'm sure that's taken already.