The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Smelly Returns (feat. Dan Soder)

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

Sweet Dan Soder is back in his old home and laying stink bombs which Jacob enjoys. Jay says The Bonfire has been in complete disarray since Dan's departure and Jacob is the most unhappy. Bob pretends to like Pearl Jam and has an amazing story about bombing with an improv group at Madison Square Garden! *To hear the full show and subscribe to SXM go to www.siriusxm.com/bonfire FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf

And now the bonfire with big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly you son of a goddamn Jacob Are we on? We're on welcome back to the bonfire Bobby Kelly BK broiler and big Jay Okerson and Dan Sota's here with a new special on YouTube on the road, and he is I heard it's I heard your shits killing it But here's the problem. I have my shit is killing it. gear is killing it and here's a problem with Jacob you Bobby Bobby You're right. I'm heated right now mad. So by the way. I want you to keep talking. I just want you to Gather your words here. You're coming up because you have a legit gripe here a legit gripe I mean, it's and it's not a good one. No

Look at you. Oh, look at him. Look at the little prodigal son returns and dumps one right in the studio. It was I have when I listen. I shut your face, shut your Florida face. Jacob, I love you. You know that he doesn't love you back. Let me tell you something. You just I love you, you know that. He doesn't love you back. Let me tell you something, Jacob. You just revealed who you are. He did, that was really revealing.

You revealed it. You pulled back the curtain, you took your mask off just now. Oh my God, this guy, I've, fuck. I'm on protein shakes, I come black. Yeah, dude, you still hard enough. Bobby has rewired his insides to be basically just a smorgasbord of protein and farts.

And I came in here and I would toot and I would silently and accident and I would appa- and his face of dis- I mean like- He's called meetings about it. Disgust. About your farts? Don't single me out by the way. I'm always singled out as if Leloups love it. Okay, look at Leloups' part of this too.

You're all terrible, terrible people. Leloups' part of this and keyboard Jack over here, Lou's part of this too. You're all terrible, terrible people. Lou's part of this and keyboard Jack over here, he's part of it too. But you are- Hey Lou, if you wouldn't mind coming away from your life's work of Pearl Jam fandom, to be here with us for this one? That's wild, dude.

Hey Lou, can you call in and ask if we can have you for just a little bit? Lou Itzky, you're one of the greatest radio talents of all time and yet your work is Pearl Jam fandom. Yep. It's just time, I just your work is Pearl Jam fandom. Yep. It's just time. I just spent a lot of time with the man. Wow.

Can I tell you, everything's happening here. Oh, I'm gonna quit. He's a freak. I'm gonna quit. When we make this joke, he's screamed and yelled at us. Yelled at us? He's, you said, it's crazy, Lou. You do this show for so long, and you're a master boarder,

and your life's work's doing good and he just goes, yeah, you know, I'm a big fan. I like the thing. He's cursed us out. He said he was going to leave the show before. He's lashed out at, he liminatly fucking lashed out at Jacob, attacks him. I take the brunt of it when they make fun of it, Pearl Jam. That's true.

You should take the brunt of it. You really should take the brunt of it now. I didn't know that you were going to be there to fucking uh you were like a fucking trumpet mute for Dan's fart you had You know so up there Shut your little hands shut your little baby mouth you let Bobby talk, he's got a little jit gripe. I have tooted in here by accident and apologize. I've run out of, you've made me afraid of my body. Oh my God, that's so bad.

You've made me afraid of my body. You've shamed him. I've changed my diet, which I wasn't supposed to. I was supposed to have protein. I've changed it so that my toots would go away I wouldn't have what you know the an accidental toot in this this room because of the attitude and the dismissal and the tone you would give me and you made me feel like pure shit when I tooted and you would call call, guys, you would say,

you would actually get everybody else, guys, and you'd get Black Lou, who might have just politely covered his nose and talked behind my back, which is fine. You got him involved, yeah, I smell it. And then you get my friend DJ Lou over here involved. You're the orchestra of the hatred for my butt and my toot. And the mysroom.

Thank you, Jay, for correcting me. I hate it and I love it at the same time when you correct me. I appreciate it. I love it, thank you. Orchestrator. Did you hear this? What kind of Nazi Germany did you guys turn this into

where you can't fart? Well, no. We didn't do it. He did it. Wait, I don't know. I didn't know. I thought you couldn't let anybody function. No, you can't.

Well, let me tell you something. Brother. Then as a guest, what can I say now? No, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. What can I do?

Put you in the front. Oh, mm. Dan farted. Nada. Not my little, I've actually. No, it was the opening to Thriller. No, Dan farted like, yeah, it was like the last voyage of the Demeter.

Not only did he. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. He farted... You sound like the Amistad moving at night. Ha ha ha!

He farted towards him. On Jacob. Aimed it towards Jacob. I am going to say, no it wasn't. It was aimed towards that guy. Buddy, I saw a wrinkle ripple through his sleeve. You saw a blast radius? I saw his hair go back. Yeah, he went, phew.

I'm going to ask you a question. You always got damned. Were you faced that way or were you faced that way? I was faced towards you with my back towards the window. More towards Jacob or more? I was more, I was, I was like this. This is what, I was like this. Nope.

I would say no. A little more, a little more. A little turned this way. I don't agree. That's it. Absolutely. 100%. You were more this way, Dan. You were a little more this way, but turned a little more this way. I don't agree. That's it. Absolutely. 100%. You were more this way, Dan. You were a little more this way,

but turned a little more this way. I don't think it was this way. Not like that. I'll buy this. Right there. Do you think I'm not happy about it? No, no, no, no. You loved it.

I sucked it. You sucked it like hookah. You sucked it like hookah. Yeah, you sucked it like Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface. Where we going? Where we going, Tony? You sucked it up. Is this what it's about? Letting out your farts? The fucking is sucking the loads of Danny D? Jacob's body is so polluted with Dan's farts. I can't even have a fucking baby.

Because Jacob is sniffing the farts. He didn't even look at, I farted and immediately covers his head and he stands up and backs away. My farts don't smell that bad. He's left the room. They smelled. I smelled it from over here. No, no you didn't. My farts do not smell.

I've left the room, he's called meetings. You're a freak, Bobby. It's in his shut, your little face. You're coming black. Dan's farts, he doesn't think they they smell but Dan doesn't have the gift of smell Yeah, I am nose retard. They did smell I smelled it and as soon as he farted you didn't even acknowledge it Here's the thing. That's not true. You didn't acknowledge it. He didn't acknowledge it for sure Did not I went like this because it just happened. We all stopped cold my friend. Oh my god

I was right now. I was he no sold it in no sold in two second He was gonna let it go nobody noticed it. He wouldn't say a thing Jay my friend Jay my friend Jay I do not know my friend Jay my true friend, which is revealed Revealed today my true friend Jay the strangest moments things we revealed call things will be revealed called it out And then you start then you fell into your little, oh my God, and you pulled your thing up. That you do me.

You, listen. Because you turned on me before I could react because you wanted vindication for some reason. It was eight minutes before you reacted. No, you started yelling at me before it ended. In fart times that was eight minutes. That's not true. Also Bobby, let me back, that was eight minutes. That's not true. Also, Bobby, let me back up here.

Thank you. That's not true what you're saying. Fart finished, it was so long and so loud and we were all here for it. I made contact with Jay and Bobby separately during the fart. He changed focus within fart. Camera, camera one, camera two.

As the farter, as the studio farder, I was in shock. But brother, you're packing dynamite. You got them bullets that rip through bulletproof vests. Cop killers. Buddy. Yeah. You got them cop killers, dude. Bobby, your farts are like smell bad.

I'm watching you drink milk cartons of protein. I'm gonna say this, a fart is a fart is a fart. I don't like it, I didn't like what he did. You can't drink. You loved it. You loved it, dude. You took your jacket off. It got me hot. God damn it, Jacob, it got me hot.

It actually warmed you up. I've never seen you without your jacket. You fucking, you knelt down for it, like one of those Danny D whores. I'm surprised Dan didn't have a Chelsea tattoo on his butt. Yeah By the way that fart could have covered three faces You stuck your tongue out and took your glasses off to get it in your eyelashes

He pushed his tits together put his tongue out You made your facial hairs not thicker to hold it so when you get home scratching sniff He loved your fire. Loved it. I mean, it was operatic. You loved it. You went, I'm going to. I love that drop. Oh dude.

Jay, he tried to suck some up to take Dan home with him. He wanted to take some home. He wanted to take Dan home. He wanted Dan home alone on the couch. I brought a bottle for Jacob in my jacket. He goes, if this is all I get of you, I'll take it. I'll take it. He opened up take it. I'll take it. He opened up his hand.

I'll take you in if I have a sample for home. Jacob, your reaction was so, you get irate when Bobby farts. Well, look what Bobby's drinking. He squeezes his tits together and opens up his mouth. Jacob squeezed it. He took his glasses off. Oh, no, he needs the protection. He actually licked the fart off his glasses.

He got steamed up on his glasses. Oh no, don't waste any of that fart. Oh that fart was too, it shot over my head. But this protein stuff is like C4 for your ass. Listen, I'm gonna drink more of it now. You know what you've just unleashed? You've unleashed the Kraken. I know what I've unleashed. I didn and I'm, I'm, I'm.

I didn't do it. Bobby, I say you go full DiPy tomorrow and poop your pants in this studio. I'm gonna go get tacos tonight. What's, Taco Tuesday? I'm getting tacos. I'm drinking as much protein as I can. You say bizarre things.

After you fart, you'll say this. Sorry? And then back me up. I think, be honest, Jay. Bobby will say, it was an accident I moved because if movement is this like you move all the time okay it's just something can I just say something Jay what does that mean I'll tell you what it means it means you got a weak butthole means you move and that fucking

thing open I mean I'll tell you what it means. You're like a broken automatic door. I was holding it in the whole time because I was afraid of you. I'm afraid of your tone and your facial, your dumb brow crinkling. Stop. Your little crinkled, little snobby Florida brow that makes me feel bad about my gas.

And I'm holding it and I actually, the chair dropped, and I accidentally snuck one out, and I immediately go, I'm sorry, it was an accident. Dan. It is, his apologies are downright bullish. I mean, dude, Dan. I appreciate the apology. Everybody does. Dan, shut in your face.

I didn't like it. Dan loved it. By the way, so, this man, who you hold in such high regard. Yeah, me. He stared at me and Bobby to alpha dog the room Yeah, well he fucking he made sure we had both tension while he goes Yeah, I'll fucking shit on Jacob and nothing about it and Jacob goes more, please, sir Yeah, I go your smallest most precious member

It's still my show Right your face. I go, I'm sorry, are you guys not allowed to open buttholes in your own studio? Oh, hey guys, Switzerland suicide tank. Hey guys, you're locked in here, jerk off in 10 minutes or you're dead. And my special's coming up Friday at 10. I've never seen you have. He bathed in it.

He smiled. I didn't. That's crazy. I didn't that's crazy You you didn't smile, but you grinned you were thrilled you You grand you went like this Elevated yes, it turned your day around for the bear Upside down. I haven't seen him this happy in months downright giddy I mean giddy giddy because you got a little bit of soda sauce

sorry sorry my guy likes my Danny dipping sauce it is inferior it was so happy Bobby I know why Bobby's so angry Bobby is so terrified Bobby's been made terrified because there has been three people at a time getting around him going like seriously about we all gotta be in the studio we all have to be here but where he's so afraid of it that he's not not spoke sometimes in mid conversation he just not spoke and just runs out I go what's happening I love you for it I we all know I'm not runs out I'm right now that's the way you said that you know I ran out I run out of the studio and toot in the hallway

and come back in because this little Napoleon man is not gonna stop. has fucking scared me to death and has gotten the team. Yes. I wish, dude, I wish I would have known what was gonna happen and I would have just filmed. I mean, Dan's face could have been more like he stood up. Yeah, yeah, I was definitely standing.

Went a little Jacob direction and just looked at us both. Checking his phone too. Multitasking. I was cash, I was cash baby. He was like what? Right his direction. I thought it was something broken. I thought something in the studio broke.

I didn't know it was a fart. That's how amazing that fart was. That fart was so close to Jacob. If I was Jacob I'd be in a bad mood. I wish you didn't say anything. I wish you didn't say anything. I wish you didn't say anything. I wish you didn't say anything. I guarantee if you didn't say anything,

he wouldn't have said anything. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because upon yours, we don't hear yours. No. Yours sneak up. Yeah, you got dog farts. So we catch smell.

I do. No, if you listen, it goes. Yeah, I bet your butt. I bet your butt's hot My father went you weak asshole my thoughts like a demon like air soft air soft But uh, here's the thing you sneak out and they smell him and they get angry. Immediate anger. Dan signaled the horn and look, he goes, this is going to be a thing in here. And he, and he never even broke his six fingers.

No, he actually didn't turn away from it, didn't run away from it. When I fart, he gets up and starts moving with his five jackets over his face. I know what it's gonna smell like too. And then gets everybody, hey guys, what the fuck, guys. And everybody's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yours, he turned, if we had video, he turned towards him. He farted in a room where Barry Manilow was.

Dan farted on your chest. Right in your chest. There I am. I don't know why you think I wasn't happy at Frozen. Yeah, he was. Because out of shock and... He was. Shock and horror.

The whole room. He stuffed a 20 in my waistband. This is what happens when you come in the room. Lou, look at, he's lit up, dude. That was crazy too. When you see, you see, it's just I lit up, dude. That was crazy, too. You see, it's just I really enjoy Pearl Jam. And I do like them. And I say it's my last work because it's what I love to do.

It's my hobby. But he threatened to quit the show when you guys made fun of him? He turned the thing off. He curses out Jacob. They're in a week-long thing. We have to make them say they love each other. Oh, my god.

Or we're like children. It's insane. Yeah, we have to put ties on both of them. Lou, do you still get mad when people talk about your juicy ass? No, I'm over that. Because I lost 20 pounds in my ass. That's impossible. You look great.

You'll never know. I'm not pending over in front of this crew. They hate us. Yep. It's been a pure mutiny over here since you left in. What the hell happened since I left? From Jacob right down to Christine. I'm gonna fart it. here since you left. What the hell happened since I left? Jacob right down to Christine. Nobody's happy here except me and Bobby.

We're having so much fun. Jacob is the little, Ooh, I don't, there's a word. I don't know what the word is. I don't know how you're going to crawl into that one, Jacob. That's gonna, that would have, if I was Bobby, if I was Bobby, I'd be real. I'd be Bobby. I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna upset. Oh, I'd be dropping. Bobby, I'm not going to lie. I'd come in tomorrow dropping heavy ass. He's a little fart-weasel. I can't berate a guest also. What?

I was about to say something, but Dan is our guest. Sorry. Like if Barry Manilow came in, can I yell at Barry? If he farted on your arm? We don't do that in here, Barry. You mean if he farted in your face? I would stand up for you. Sorry, I'm out of everyone's jurisdiction.

I actually. Suck nuts. I fart where I please now. You mean if he farted in your face? Sorry, I'm out of everyone's jurisdiction. Suck nuts. I fart where I please now. I almost defended you. I was like, hey, you don't do that. So Farts America? I almost stuck up for him. I was like, hey, you don't fart in J.K.

And then I looked at him, and he had a little grin on. He was lifted like when a cartoon smells a chicken from around the corner. That's why I say it wasn't instantaneous. It wasn't instantaneous. Because when Dan was laying the fart, my first thing was to be like, He smells the chicken from around the corner. That's why I say it wasn't instantaneous. It wasn't instantaneous. It was not. Because when Dan was laying the fart, my first thing was to be like, dude, what are you doing just cracking it?

I don't like when Josh admires a person who does that a lot. I'm not a big fart in front of him. So I was gonna be like, what, Dan, but before I could even give Dan any ration of shit, I look over and see Jacob, like he just fell into a botanical garden. He's like, shower me with it.

Fucking herbal essence over here. Like something opened up a port, you were in Florida killing iguanas. Yeah, dude, I secret gardened him with my ass juice. You sent him somewhere else. You sent you? You remember the York peppermint patty? Well, when you bite into one of Dan's farts,

you feel like you're hunting iguanas in Florida. Yeah, Jacob was just fucking your guavas in Florida. Jacob was just fucking spearfishing in Florida underwater. With a six pack just standing on a fucking floating raft. When Dan farts in my ear, it's like the sensation of a thousand sharks surrounding me as I hold their fins like a compliment.

I feel like I'm lifting the Titanic out of the ocean. I feel like I'm curling 10 pound dumbbells shirtless in Florida. Buddy, you, here's the problem. You acknowledged, you knew it. You were like, what the fuck? I was like, this is how much time went by. I went, what was that?

Then you- We had a discussion about what it was. Then you disgusted. He's still not even, it's in his face. I was about to- Nip, in his face. He's still not even it's a nice knit It in his face and then you look over him and then we went at him because I realized what it just happened And you're you're just smiling at Dan calm Loose as a goose loose as a goose and then when you realize what you were just caught in That's when you started your little acting technique.

Oh, oh no. Oh, you know that smell, that's the farts of afternoon cereal. God damn right it is. Trying to get Dan food. Shout out Corn Pops. I'm not gonna lie, you nailed it. If you would've said a Lenny's Chicken Caesar wrap,

you would've absolutely. I would've blown your mind. I would've left, it would've scared me like. Jacob, did you get the hints of lemon chicken Caesar in that part? Homemade iced tea Medium Dunkin Donuts with one sugar John out no sugar though. Oh, yeah, check your elbow. Does it smell like all those things? Yeah Retransported to 2016 he he faked it cuz here's what he did He didn't know he had to act out.

He just pulled his jacket up. He physically pretended like he... What's the worst reaction he's given to you as a fart? He's left the room, he's made his stink, and then they called a meeting. It's been horrible, though. I mean, they smelled horrible. There's been, and I'm gonna say this.

Why are you looking at me like that? In nine months. Bobby's just standing there, thinking. Nine, 10 months and I'm gonna say this. Why are you looking at me like that? In nine months. Bobby's just doing it. What, nine, 10 months? No, that's shit. Almost 11 months. No, it's a year on Monday. Almost a year.

March 1st will be, so yeah, this is like next week's our year. I know. Do I get something? Yeah, dude, I say come in here, and what I would do is I would eat refried beans, and I would sit on Jacob's lap and fart the whole show. Right on his dick.

I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna send you a case of that protein syrup you're sucking down. My jizz is gonna be pure black. Oh my God, dude. I want you to come all over his arm with your black oil jizz. I'm gonna give you that weird black maggot jizz. Yeah, it's unbelievable. That was crazy.

It's crazy, it's nuts. Jacob, you had so much. I'm not gonna lie, that fart felt so good. I bet. You had so much time to relax into that far and you never even broke Didn't even I'll tell you what you don't do Sit there and take it. I didn't my fart you don't run away You sat in the same chair. You didn't even get up soaked in a baby. You were a foot away from his asshole his little flat-ass. Hey Lou What are you listening to gay ass Pro Jam? Yes, I do

They touch me in a certain way Speaks to me everyone's entitled to their own opinion of Edward. I myself find him an enjoyable band Well, I realize it's not gonna be everybody's cup of tea. It's just not the songs, it's his physicality. And again, Mike McCready's bridge work is among some of the finest. So look, is it my life's work? Sure, maybe I overstated a little bit. But I think what I meant was,

it's my passion. Now, it was strictly hyperbole, but I do believe that it is the reason I'm on this earth. But thank you, and Dan, we've really enjoyed having you on. Oh God, could you do it? Would you like to fart in my mouth? For the folks in I guarantee right now you want another one You feel like we stole your moment of really enjoy

Can I tell you guys a dirty little secret? Yeah, I might have cracked one off when you were yelling Get that did you round Round two, buddy. I didn't hear it. Of course you did, but you smelled it. Well, the sequel's hardly received as much as the original. I prefer the book. I wanna shit my pants right now.

Do it, dude, just force it up your back. And just say goodbye to those underwear and put them right in front of Jacob's desk. Here you go, dude, since you love ass so much. Wow, you love certain ass. He likes certain farts. Wow. You love it, you love it.

Can we? What did it smell like? How bad did it smell? Tell me what it smelled like. Delicious. I mean, you could just smell that the air changed in the room a little bit. It smelled like sharks.

I smelt it over here, it was terrible. No, it was impossible. It was, I did smell it. I don't have terrible farts. You're, first of all. Everyone just tells you that because they love you and you can't smell. Yeah, you're just a lovable guy.

Well, then change the lies. If Christine was blind, I would tell her I was handsome. You just get her hand and you just rub it on the wall and go, that's my stomach. She would just. Yeah. Yeah. And she goes.

It feels like actual cinder blocks. She goes, oh, yeah. She goes, zero carbs since I was six. You see, all I do is I have this tuna in oil. This is like actual cinder blocks. I know, right? Yeah, zero carbs since 06. You see, all I do is I have this tuna and oil. It's really all the body needs. You'd be surprised all the body needs this. Wow, what a piece of shit.

That I could say I understood. It hurt me for you. Yeah. Hey, everybody. If you're listening to the Bonfire as a podcast, you got to know there's a whole second half of the show that you're not getting to hear. Look, if you love the Bonfire as a podcast, you gotta know there's a whole second half of the show that you're not getting to hear. Look, if you love the Bonfire, which you know you do, this is just half of the show.

Go subscribe to SiriusXM at SiriusXM.com slash Bonfire. Subscribe right now. It's like I don't know what to do when a guest, what was the other one, Brian Scallaro? Dan is not a fucking guest. Dan's not a guest? I couldn't even even send him a guest confirmation. He's a guest, but he's not a guest I walk in between I'm a daywalker in between both worlds. I get it But what so if so when Andy Fiori comes in if he just fucking hung never done that Right in your ear You're on the bonfire for eight years, yeah

Did you fart on the show? Oh yeah, all the time, in the mics, all the time. It was honestly- Nobody liked it. Bobby, I'd go as far as to say it was my thing. Many conversations. It's my thing! It's my thing now! Bobby, I'd go as far as to say I'm a voice guy

who minors and farts. I hire Bobby, I hire Bobby. Technically it's a voice out the back end. Dude, look at, my thing is, I'm a voice out the back end. Dude. So. Look at my thing. I'm very vulnerable on the show. And then I fart.

That's my thing. Do it, dude. By the way, I brought you in. Bobby, I wanted you to be my partner on the show for one. You're hilarious. And we needed a fart guy. And that's. In our band, we're missing a fart guy.

And when we talked, I knew what you needed, and I agreed to do that. And Jacob came in here and tried to change up the sound. How shocked was I when fart guy was rejected? Jacob goes, new band, new sound, guys. Sorry, guys. It's all new wave. I'm sorry, it's not the sound you like,

what's it, not jazz? It's too rock and roll for you, my farts. Damn, you've got metal farts. Well, you notice, it's because your farts don't sound like the fucking bow of the Titanic You know those videos of underwater she read Sounds like when she turned into the demon on the exorcist and started floating. You better stop talking now. Dracul.

Dracul. Hold me, Gary Ullman. Hold Dracul. You do one of these. Huuuh. After I fart. Huuuh. Black Lou, just know I got my eye on you.

You better not do something different. What are you doing different today over there? Because 49ers are awesome. Can I back Jacob up though? Oh shit. There was another guest in here that must have farted at least 45 times. And Jacob said nothing.

Brian Scallaro farted. Okay, can I say why? He said nothing, but he was, no, he was visibly unhappy with it. You were visibly unhappy with it. Yeah, but Dan's, you smiled. You started drawing pictures of flowers on your paper. It was crazy.

You inspired. You launched into a Disney song. When Scalaro farted, your face was so mad. We all were looking at you like, you are violently like, what the fuck? We need to get this fucking turd machine out of here. As soon as the show was over, we, well, you're a good dude, and you were like, no.

And we consoled you you we were there for you You never stopped farting. You're so angry. I look at your face I didn't know Dan farted because I heard the sound which was weird and uncomfortable, but I looked at your face You're like Jacobs not irate and a standing up covering his face with everything Smiling Jacobs gritting like a little boy who got a lollipop He goes oh that noise must have been some kind of a hilarious thing in his own stomach. And that's why he's smiling.

No. Listen, Jacob just misses our toot times. So we had a little toot time at the commercial break. Is that it? You missed the toot times with Dan? Yeah. You took it in with that gravity bong we looked at? That's how you took it in.

You went, oh. You were sucking right out of the tube. He was. He was. He made the noise. You were sucking. You were looking at me like, I'm looking at you. You were like, hey guys, I fucking did it hard. I miss Dan so much.

I miss you. He goes, Jacob, breathe. He goes, if I like to fart out, he's gone. I want it in my brain. This special might take him over the top, he won't need us anymore. It's like changing a dead person's sheets, you're like, no, but then they're gone.

Then they're really gone. I'm gonna wash them away. If I swallow this or blow it out, Dan's not here ever, he's not here anymore. You're little grin was like a little boy that just finished his paper route on Sunday. You were just like, hey Dan in it. We staring right at it and not until you were called out Do you realize oh we're here too, and we saw what you did black lu for the record couldn't wait to get Jacobs back

Against you Bobby well again. We all know that black lu hates Italians. Yeah, okay black lu doesn't like you with Irish names Oh my God. He hates Italians with Irish names. That's so confusing. Oh, what are you fucking? Robert O'Kelly! He's from Rome! Black Lou doesn't like ball guys.

White ball guys. Nor should you. Listen, Black Lou didn't do anything either. I didn't, usually when I fart, Jacob will bring him in and then Black Lou will be like, oh shit. It's an ordeal. Oh no, he's pointed it out.'s texted me so there's a secret fart text thread that I'm not damn what are you putting in your butt dude let me tell you something I've

changed my guys I indicate because DJ Lou's back in the PJ labs not not when I'm at work what is it you want me to solve this problem I'm not you guys I'm at work. What is it? You want me to solve this problem or not? You guys, I'm finding videos of Eddie climbing stuff. If you want to text me, you've got to use my Pearl Jam phone. Hello, call the Bat Phone. And then it rings and goes, here's her. Yeah, hello. It's just like when you guys make fun of me,

it feels like it's real. But Dan, I think think loves Pearl Jam so he understands that I got in is a great song If we all go to Pearl Jam with you can we share on them again? Yeah, you know why we don't want to say what love Pearl Jam. You know why? We don't want to see. They went to Pearl Jam overseas. In Amsterdam. He doesn't want us to go here at the garden. I was on drugs. I gave you my Pearl Jam photo.

That's a great photo and I framed it. That photo is like one of a kind. Thank you. You know why? Because he doesn't want you guys to see how excited he gets so he starts Bieber shrieking at Eddie Vedder. That's right. He's like,

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh. This is a broken home So he starts Bieber shrieking at Eddie better Man there's that guy in the mid side again, you know what maybe Maybe I would get it as excited as you Love the show. I just don't want to be It's not as much. I just I love this show I'm on but I just don't want to take you to Pearl Jam so you can rip it and ruin my fun You think we would do that right there? I would never do that. No, do the episode on Monday.

I would have fun with you. Fake fun until you got to make fun of me on Monday. Buddy, how much did I tell you I love Pearl Jam? What's your favorite album? The Second to the Sun. What? Pluto. When I don't remember things, I just say things then.

I like it, I got soda facts. What's your favorite program? That's Wendy Williams things you everyone will be wearing masks Please have dementia or else you work on Monday Is the surface of Mars running out of oxygen Wendy Williams look at my feet The surface of Mars running out of oxygen, Wendy Williams? Look at my feet. Jesus Christ, dude, she pulled up some sea creature feet. She pulled up snowshoes. Dude, it was nuts.

Oh, they were terrible. It looked like the Donner party. It looked like they were made out of beef jerky. Everyone she met, she was like, thank you. And they put the straw in the bag, thank you. You want to see my feet? She just couldn't wait to pull those fucking stone feet out. Dude, in the very beginning, she goes,

do you want to see my tits? And the guy's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, fucking Christ. Looks like mummy's feet. Don't feed the very be anywhere. She goes to see my tits and the guys like no, no, no, no Looks like mummy's feet looks like thing from Fantastic Four. Yeah She goes it's clobbering time that looks like Patrice's foot now It's gossip in time. Oh, was he an organ donor? I'm gonna give Wendy Williams my feet. The tree's doing it in his fucking feet. His diabetic feet to Wendy Williams's stupid feet. Broken home.

Oh man. Well. It makes you any better. Christine also misses Dan, but she wishes the show was you and Dan Bobby. And I never fart in front of her. That's because she wants you home more, right? Listen, I mean, I'm fucking shocked.

Sorry to break up the house with my butt. It's pretty fucked up, Jacob. We were having such a great show. I mean, the show was flying. It was great. We were having a lot of fun. Some fun subjects I wanted to bring up. We had some great stuff. We had great times. And then all was revealed. And wanted to bring up. We had some great stuff. We had great times and then all was revealed.

And then all was revealed. With one little toot out of that little flat ass over there. Musical. Little cutie Dan Patooty. Let his little pfft out. It was so long. Oh no, I made a butt mistake. That fart was so long. Tee hee.

That fart was so long. He felt, he felt, you know, where the seam starts to become ball bag. Yeah. That fart was so long, that fart was so long. He felt, he felt, you know, where the seam starts to become ball bag from behind. It rippled. He felt a little, yeah, he felt a little like that. You're absolutely correct. A little vibro. It rippled and I went like this.

Yeah, he got a little vibro on that fucking, the beginning of the seam. I went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, snoo, doggy, doggy. Jacob sucked it up like it was gold. You're right, it didn't smell because you snorted it all up the second it came out, dude. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, First cut of this. I miss these. Oh, smells like when Trump was in office. Can you do Macho Man and fart in my face? Oh, he goes, oh yeah.

Dan, you know, does everyone, we already, we discussed before, everyone does this, right? When I'm in a, especially in a hotel, and I'm drawing my ass crack, if I gotta crack one, I crack right into it And then that's fun to smell the terrycloth reflux really holds it and it really holds on nowhere Did you ever explain it to me you just when you're wiping your ass, but just what his smells are like It depends whatever that fart smells like it's whatever that fart smells like it just like towel holds it for a good 30 40

wings and a Caesar salad with horse hair? Oh. Oh. With horse hair. Do you ever put your fingers, when you know you have to fart, you put your fingers in the side of your butt and just open it?

Oh. And have it make that other sound? Ha. Ha. Yeah, I do. And then right at the end, you close it. Ha. Pfft. Oh, I call it the sus sus because when you just go, it goes, sus.

When you open it up. Yeah, when you open your cheek. It's like a mouth trying to close, but it can't just go like, oh. It's like you're stopping it from closing. Same exact sound Jacob made when Dan farted. Oh, yeah. He backwards sused. It's revolutionary.

Revolutionary. Oh. Oh, it's just like I remembered. Oh, that's my brand. Oh, man. Oh, revolutionary. Revolutionary. Oh, it's just like I remembered. Oh, that's my brand. Oh, God. That's like the Christmas show. Oh, the kitchen can still go to 17. That was before pandemic Dan's. Dan eating vegetable brownies from Nikki Dinky. That was like that was like your first cigarette back after quitting for a couple years. He's like, Oh, I'm getting that original taste back too.

I forgot how they tasted. He's going to close his eyes on the train home and just smile. For one second I was happy. Yeah. He's going to wake up. He's going to wake up to exit to exit to two stops past the stuff. He goes, New York, right? What are you gonna do? He's gonna sniff his sleeve his hoodie sleeves tonight in his dreams tonight in his dreams It's me coming out of a pool like a cologne commercial Well, well Dan Soder not only is he loaded with delicious farts

His new special on the road is coming out this Friday everybody very exciting March 1st 10 a.m Eastern time on YouTube comm slash at Dan Soder watch it right away watch it right away watch it often Comment all that stuff you have to that's what keeps it moving moving That's what keeps it getting the push it in the algo. Yeah. Yeah, so please make sure everyone go support that fucking big time I know it's hilarious. He's just picking his nose It doesn't even matter here fucking he could piss on the floor as he walks out of here get ready for my finale He's gonna throw a booger at Jacob's mouth. I'm gonna fucking surf and turf this studio. You can also catch Dan at LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio this Thursday. After that, Cincinnati, Lexington, Kentucky, Nashville, Tennessee.

For tickets and all tour dates, of course, go to dansolder.com. Make sure you check out his special on YouTube. And you know what, guys? We have a podcast. You guys gotta go check out too it's check out the podcast it's releasing an episode every Tuesday through Friday on all major platforms download rate review subscribe wherever you listen and make sure you check out we're going to the Paramount theater me and Big Jay 21st we got a bunch of guests that are gonna come down we're gonna bring some friends it's gonna be a fun night so get your tickets for that 8 p.m. March 21st at the Paramount in Huntington, Long Island. Big Jay is gonna be this weekend.

The Zanies. The Zanies. At Zanies. Killing it. Bobby's got Mohegan Sun coming up. BigJaycomedy.com. RobertKellyLive.com. Watch our YouTube page.

We'll be right back. We got some family stuff to sort out. We got a lot of stuff out. I got another toot for this break. Goddamn Dan ruined the family again. You know I bombed at the Garden. 14th. No.

Dude, I was in a comedy group, Al and the Monkeys. Did you know that? Yeah, of course. Okay. Dane Cook. Dane Cook, J. Hall. Al DelBene. Al DelBene.

We won the Boston Comedy Riot, which was the biggest national, it was a national comedy, amateur comedy competition. The biggest at the time, it was huge. And BCN. As improv queers though, right? Okay. One would say, or one would say improv sketch team. Sure.

We were definitely a team. Yeah. We were definitely improv queers, yes. Give me an accent, dude. I don't know that one. Give me three things that piss you off, Doug. Now we're going to play a little freeze tag for you guys where someone tags in and takes over a scene. We wound up winning that year.

Of course. Who was it? Patrice was a finalist, Burr was a finalist, but we won as a group. We were the first. Oh, you were against straight standup. We were against straight. It was a standup competition.

We were the first. This is like a horrible show they tried to do with Kenan Thompson, remember, for a minute? On NBC. It wasn't. Make me laugh. Was it called Make Me Laugh? It may have been called that, but that was so bad. It was everything.

Well, the guy, the BCN Mark Parento, who was one of the biggest, it was the biggest DJ in Boston, at the time when BCN. What's that, Black Cock Night? No, BCN was, WBCN was the rock station, and they were the biggest thing in Boston. Just the only one crazy,

it also means Black Cock Night at certain clubs. And he was the biggest DJ at the time. He was like the Stern of Boston, before Stern. WBCN was the motherfucker, and they ran this competition. So it was huge. He actually liked us. He brought us on the radio station. Come to find out later in life, he's a pedophile,

and he used to go pick kids up with Sony Playstations in his car and fucking bang them. But. Well he heard Alan the Monkey, he thought he was gonna have a finger fuck fest with your little tight assholes. Didn't know you were adult men doing improv. Well he liked Dane. I think he liked Dane.

Hell yeah. He took a liking to all of us, but I think he fancied Dane. Oh yeah and you see those pocky cheeks that's easy picking right there. You tell him he's beautiful? He had feathered hair. I see past those pocky cheeks. Get over here, you tiny little Edward James almost.

You ruined all my fun! Yeah, that's, Hell in the Monkey, before Dave became a tough. Fucking hell. Tough. He brought us in, before we won, he brought us into the station to have us on, which is totally unfair.

And then we went in and we won the competition and they were so into us. They were like, we want you to play the Boston comedy rock. It was a thing they did. But the year before, in all the years, it was at the Paradise. I think it was 600 people. We were like, fuck yeah, that's great.

This year, it was the first year they did it at the Garden. Oh geez. 14,000 people at the old Garden. So it was 14,000 people and it was all these bands. Jeffrey Gaines, who's amazing. The Spin Doctors right when Little Miss Little Miss Can't Be Wrong came up. Skindibidoop.

Dude, and Fish was headlining. And they had us go on at the end in between. It's a 75 hour show. In between Spend Doctors and Fish. Good, good. We had to go up and do improv sketch. And everybody has to go to the bathroom then because you're about to hear 73 hours of two songs.

Dude, we all had different colored shirts on. Somebody came up with the idea we should... Well, everyone's color was their personality. So Dane came up with the idea of what we should do, because we were on the little stage on one side, there was the big stage on the other side. So Spam Dark is just annihilate and close with Little Miss Little... I mean, the place is going fucking nuts.

Probably close to Princes. That's the biggie. Maybe something like that, right? Fucking Savant, yes. No, it's just that's the biggie. Maybe something like that, right? Fucking Savant, yes. No, it's just that's the one for sure. It was a compliment. One, two, scooby-doo before you. Just go ahead now. That was it. You're right. God damn you.

But Little Miss Can't Be Wrong is a song by the Spin Doctors. You nailed it. So the lights go out and we go on stage and Dane was like, we should all squat down and face the other way. And when they announced us, we should jump up and spin. So it was like this. It was like this. It's humiliating.

Oh. So... Oh. And we... So they went... Bobby, he was trying to suck you into his pose comedy. Dude, we all were like, okay, okay, we're so nervous. But our dressing room was the girls' bathroom. It was so rock and roll.

It's like Porky's. Yeah, dude, girls were coming in and out. It was back then when rock and roll and girls were coming in and out. All the lower bands were hanging in our dressing room. They had all the drinks and all this. It was fucking nuts. We didn't even think about what we were about to do.

And they were like, oh, you guys are up next. You could hear the place is shaking after the spin doctors. And they bring us down the other side and we're all, and I had purple on, I think Dane had teal green, Jay had red, and I think Al had blue or some shit. And we go out and the lights go out and we all Squat down and mind you we just want a amateur

comedy competition Nobody knows who we are. Well, you're dressed like a group that comes to tell kids to learn how to share we look like Talk to schools about the benefits of sharing You can talk to schools about the benefits of sharing. Hey kids. Oh, I like that toy. Can I play with that toy? No.

Now stop. Kids, do you think that's the way you behave? Is that how you make friends in life? I didn't think so. Let's try it again. Now play. Hey, can I see that please? I love that.

Sure, I'd love to share with you Thank you for sharing with me here. It is back and now you can share my things my name stop. What's your name? Seek it. Does your mom does your dad kick the shit out of you too? Me too We should be friends and get together and kill our parents. I Actually did that I did one of those too I actually did that. I did one of those too. Did you really? I did I I had to go to schools and Act out drug scenarios and they had these big paper mache heads We'd have to put on and we and we'd have to. That wasn't Alan the monkey though. No, that was just a gig I got I got paid 50 bucks a pop. Fennoy did a bunch of those Fennoy like found like a thing where you can go talk about

Like anti-bullying. Yeah, we did drugs. And you just did it to make money. We did drugs. I went with a guy named Bob Keane, who was a stand-up, and I would go to schools and put these big paper mache heads on and have to do pantomime and things on. And then we would talk to the kids and answer questions after. But this was bad. I remember when he announced this,

ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Al and the Monkeys. And they turned the lights on, we all jumped and spin, and we landed, you could hear our feet land on the stage, that's how quiet it was. The clicks. Right? The clicks of rubber soles. And you could hear it, and then we had,

the thing is, when we did our shows, we always had cordless mics, like lavaliers. You know, I'm always into tech, right? So I hooked up an old leather suitcase, like an Indiana Jones suitcase, with a system of all our mics and a receiver and all that. We would just have to plug it in. We didn't take that.

So we had handheld mics, which you can't really do the, we didn't, it was like, we were holding something in our hands. Bob, you can't really do the, we didn't, it was like, we were holding something in our hands. But we can't read without both hands. And our first skit was so, I mean, if we did it now, we'd be canceled. We came out and we did a,

At the garden? We did it at the garden, where it's, they're off the mic, and me and Jay are on the mic, so Dane and Al are off the mic, and we come walking out, and we're Chinese people, and the, so Dane and Al are off the mic, and we come walking out, and we're Chinese people, and the, do do do do do do do do do do, and we bump into each other, and I have peanut butter,

and he has chocolate, and he goes, hey! And we were mouthing it, and we're like, hey! You got your chocolate in my eye, peanut butter! Hey, you got your peanut butter in my eye, chocolate! Hey! And we start to fight, and they're doing, whoosh, whoosh, and they're doing all the sound effects off stage, 14,000 people, dude,

who are fucking high out of their mind, must be going, what the fuck is happening? What the fuck is happening right now? They just had the spin doctors, they're all fish fans. Billy Burr was in the crowd and watched it happen. He went as a fan to see. A decent hula hoopist would have gotten a better reaction than what you were doing up there.

But you felt the room fall on itself. Like you felt these people kind of go, what the fuck's happening right now? And then, so we finished the whole bit and we didn't get nothing. And then we had to go into it, improv, which is, you know, we have to get stuff from the crowd. And it was so, dude.

Give me a job. Fuck you! Okay, not that guy. Can I say, Bobby, this is why I respect, like, a comic on your level. Because if I ever bombed on the level you bombed at, I would just, that would be the last time I performed on stage. I should be at Home Depot, 100%.

I should be a counselor. Look at you now. Made you stronger. Very impressive. I tell you, that night, we went from, we were so, I mean, dude, we were hanging out. I mean, it was the greatest night of my life. And I remember when we bombed, I gave some weird speech.

I had taken my shirt off. Hey, guys, we're living our dreams up here. You guys need to be a little more respected performer. No, no. Squatting is the greatest image. At that time, I'd seen too many rock concerts where I knew how to kind of control a crowd. And I was like, listen, you guys, we know you love rock and roll.

We know you came here to see the bands play, Boston. I know you came, the Spin Doctors. But we're here to tell you that reading is fundamental. I go, we gave him to see fish. I go, but give us three things that piss you off, besides us. Dude, I look, but here's the problem. They were in freeze, because it's freeze tag. Oh, you were actually doing freeze tag at the garden?

So Jay was frozen and Dane was frozen, staring at me in front of, they were actually doing freeze tag at the garden. So Jay was frozen and Dane was frozen staring at me in front of they were just staring, listening, waiting for the tag in waiting for me to give the speech. And I just remember seeing a bead of sweat come out of Dane's hair into his eye, like roll over his eye and his lip was quivering. And then freeze me. Somebody threw something. He started throwing shit. And then the me Somebody threw something And then the guy in the front I remember this guy going dude keep going it's awesome One guy was like you're doing great. We love it. I love improv

Jamaican Nanny Jamaican Nanny I Know we do have to go the show's fucking over So good to be back luckily for us. We have three more shows this week everybody's gonna get to all of it We got a lot a lot to talk about hey September 11th. Seriously. God bless America and Traffic cops you guys are doing we got a break now. I know it's break now We'll be right back everybody or probably not it's Robert Kelly live comm big J comedy comm. It's a bonfire