The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Someday I'll Die

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

The gang is back from a triumphant string of L.A. shows. Jay calls out Bob for his social median addiction. A fantastic comedian releases a serious song and the guys bust balls about it. Then they sing their own song! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf

And Now the bonfire with big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly Tell you know what I did watch dude, and I'm I'm fucking befuddled Okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you're in now like that. I'm befuddled you learned a word for this Your eyebrows you just got excited. What? The fuddle. Good word. Jerry Seinfeld's new movie. You watched it.

Yeah. You did it. It was good. Listen to me. I didn't say great. I didn't say awesome. It was good. It wasn't bad. Yeah. Are there't bad. Yeah.

Are there, okay. What are the reviews on, honestly? Are the reviews really bad? It's terrible. What is it they're saying? It's getting panned. It just seems like a, we are the world fucking thing they're trying to do.

It's just not working. It's not. They made a kids movie for adults about Pop Tarts. I was watching it just to watch it cuz I'm like look if anybody's not gonna be a fan of a Jerry Seinfeld vehicle It's me sure You didn't like the show No, I love no. I it's because of you know what he did to me back on the day sure still

I am Italian. I held a grudge. Yeah You know that the not you story we've told this on the show. Yeah. Yeah, we've I've tell when I thought we were gonna become friends Bobby wrote a pilot called Kelly About him his wacky neighbor His swinging loose lifestyle and all those wacky neighbors and encounters. and he's a stand-up comic. In comes this Seinfeld character. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, that was the original sound. You know that story, the Not You story?

Give it to him, refresh the audience if Jacob doesn't remember. Years ago, after the show, he did a documentary called Comedian, filming it at The Cellar. Every comic was trying to be in it. He would be there with his film crew every night. I was excited just to be watching it. Right, I would never go up.

I was very young. I would never go up to the table. I just want, if I had that thing, if we become friends, it's organically. So one night I'm doing a thing, I'm yelling around the cellar about the... whether Gretzky was on the Rangers, blah, blah. And I'm taking bets. I bet, blah, blah, blah.

You know? And then Jerry looks up, I'll take some of that action. To me. I go, dude, you're in for a buck. His crew was like, I'm in on it. So I'm like, oh, that was organic. Like, you know, oh, cool. Went away, had to do a show. Buffalo.

Guy picked me up in the afternoon. I had to get my own car in the afternoon. Beer Fest. Outside, at a college beer fest. It was the worst show ever. Raining. Had to hire my own guy. Guy picks me up in a van,

like one of those old vans with the captain's chair. I get in the van. He's got headphones on. Every Seinfeld episode on tape, he watches them as he drives around and picks people up. Gives me headphones. Put them on. We're watching Seinfeld.

This guy is the biggest fan of it. As he's driving? As he's driving. Two nights before, we became friends in my brain. You know what I mean? We go, drives me to the show. I take him to lunch, because we're early. He's calling me Jerry.

He's going, Jerry. I go, Bob. He goes, I know, I just love Jerry. You know him? I met him the other night. We sat there. Oh my God, he's flipping out. Oh my God.

Talking about Jerry. That's all we're talking about. Go do the show. After a metal band, in the rain outside beer fest beer fest Sky skydiving simulator next to the stage Jet engine go off and you can go I don't mind that I do the show. I'm I'm getting them. I'm losing them. I'm getting them. I'm losing them I get through the whole show. The little, this guy.

How long do you have to do? 45 minutes. Come on. 45. I got a beer, why? Would they make you do that long? I'm supposed to do an hour, 45 minutes. As we're leaving, this guy grabs me.

I gotta make my plane. I'm leaving that night to go back to New York. He grabs me, grabs the check out of the kid's hand, throws me into the van. We gotta go to get me back. Gets me back. As we're leaving, he goes, one thing, is there any way you could ask Jerry

to get me like a signed photo or something? I'm just such a big fan. I'm like, maybe, maybe. I got this story, right? I think he's gonna literally start Seinfeld up for one more episode. The final episode. I'm thinking, I'm gonna go back,

he's gonna be at the cellar. I'm like, dude, I can't wait to see. Why didn't you tell me this a week ago? I think this is gonna be epic. He's on stage, I'm at the cellar the very next night. He's on stage, I'm on stage after him. I'm waiting in the hallway. I have his dollar, because the bet he won.

He comes out, everybody's down there, filled. And I go, hey dude, here's your buck. You won the bet. He looks at me like, you know, but takes the buck, starts to walk upstairs. I go, before you leave though, I got a story for you. He goes, you want your buck back? And I go, ugh, that's weird.

I go, all right, no. Then he turns around, takes two steps, turns around and goes, when you're done, come up. I'll be at the table, I'm gonna eat, we'll talk, we'll hang out. I go, yeah dude, wait till you hear this story, dude. I got this great story. It's so odd, this week it was crazy.

He looks at me, he goes, not you. He was talking to the lady next to me. And I was like, uh. Uh. Uh. And she looked at me, she went, sorry. Do, do, do, do. So I.

It hurt my feelings so bad. Yeah, fucking forever. We've never spoken since. That's why you're pro homo-ass and anti-Jerry Seinfeld. My company name is Not You, Inc. I was just gonna ask, I'm like, isn't that your company? That's my company name, Not You, Inc.

Not you. I hold a grudge. I'm Italian. He came out to start off Kevin Hart's thing. Yeah, so I was watching this with, you know, this is gonna suck, because everybody's saying it's suck. Got like a 44 rating, fan rating, got a 45 tomato rating

It's getting pain. He's getting pan, right? You love it. Well, I didn't love it, but I was like, let me see, you know Something to talk about on the show. You said laugh riot movie the summer you said you called me off the air I did first of all, we haven't talked since I left you said I thought I'd laughed in my life No, but I haven't laughed till I laughed at this No we haven't talked since I left LA, because when you leave somebody, there's something in you, the little boy, that shuts down. And you just, you shut it down.

I like to believe that you go into a deep, like a deep sleep until I see you again. 100%. You shut it off. I'm still hanging out, having little peanut butter pretzel nuggets with you guys on the couch you Shut it down. I will say there's no communication if I can give constructive. This is even criticism. Just one thing I noticed

You have a teenagers like addiction to that phone. What are you talking about being with you for the week? You're in that phone and looking at just like like Josh had a Myers level like And you're crazy and do it. Can, Christine would, let me tell you something. Christine doesn't like me at all. And she would love to go against me on this. But we got in the car 50 times and we go, and he's here in the, like when Isabella's in the car, you just hear like TikTok videos happening.

Cause I'm in the back seat. You guys, I'm gonna say this. Me and Christine don't talk in the car. Nah, you guys are getting fucking stoned smoking weed in the car una momento Yes in the car in the car and smoke weed in the car with you at all you smoked weed in the car Not one time. Yes, you did not once no you smoked weed on my life I wouldn't smoke weed with you in the car. I swear to God. I didn't do that. I never did I smelt it once you may have some smell weed on me, but I definitely didn't smoke weed in the car. You guys are smoking up in the front.

I'm in the back seat like your adopted fucking kid. I'm in the back seat by myself. There's nobody to talk to. No one's talking. We're listening to music, dude. Josh just climbs up to the middle of the front seats and talks to us that way. You got any food?

You got any snacks? What do you got? What I thought I said was Bobby's office. Also, every time you got in the car, you had to go hang on, but Max, stop threatening your teachers live. Max, stop, don't punch your mother. Yeah, well I'm a dad, I gotta do a couple things.

Dude, I'm in the back seat, there's no talking. I'm not a, I'm not a- But we weren't talking in the front seat. You're a music guy, I'm a, even when I drive home at night, I play like a video, like I'll listen to like something. Well that's goddamn terrifying. I take it grace. Every time I drive home, I just watch TV while I drive.

I don't listen. That's crazy. The only time I listen to music, Don and Max love music. They'll, if he's in the car, it's music all the time. You love TikTok. I'm not a music guy. You love TikTok.

I don't have TikTok. It's reels. Reels? Yeah. I don't have TikTok. Which is just TikTok on Instagram. Bobby's an influencer also. Yeah, I'm an a I'm not a music guy. Love I don't I don't have tick-tock. It's real real Yeah, which is just tick-tock on Instagram. He's an influencer also Thank you for backing me up Jacob. You're right. I just want you to tell his secrets Honestly Bobby, I think you're right Criticize a baseball player for holding a baseball bat No, I'm yeah, I would if he if he held the baseball bat every time we got in the car I think why do you have the baseball biggest? I'm a baseball bat? No. Yeah, I would. If he held the baseball bat every time we got in the car, I'd be like, why do you have the baseball bat?

He goes, I'm a baseball player. That's his field, that's Bobby's field. You guys are in the front seat. When you get in the car, and this is the way we've been for years, though. You know that, right? Remember a long time ago, when we were driving back from Mohe and Son,

when I had the flu, when I was dying in the backseat. Yes. You smoking cigarettes, window open, music on. Yeah. Then when I was like, dude, can you please roll the window up because I'm dying, I have 104th temperature right now. I'm dying, and you were like,

yeah, dude, I'm just gonna crack it a little bit. Smoking cigarettes. Yeah. That's your thing. You were a smoker, you understand that. Dude, I was dying. Who was in the front? who was in the front I Don't like our tone

It was before you it was a long time was it was it Carla or was it some I was in Carla No, it was a girl. I don't know. I'm even Katherine my name is Katherine. Maybe Katherine that makes sense something like that You a date. It was Catherine. Maybe Catherine. That makes sense. Something like that. It was your girlfriend. Well. Well, whatever it was. Something. I'm not getting involved in that. It's hilarious, it wasn't registering

that it was a side bitch. I was like, oh. No, it wasn't. What was it, a side bitch to Christie? It was years before that, Christie. Just one of many. You weren't even around. But that's your thing.

I don't listen. I get in the car, I roll calls, I'll talk. I like't listen. I get in the car, I make, I roll calls, I'll talk. I like to talk. But I, you know, you guys like music and you like smoking butts or whatever you're doing. Christina doesn't smoke butts, but she puffs her vape. But also, that's what's funny though, is we found out if someone in the back is doing something

that we feel bad to play music over, then we just really just sit in the car and stare. I don't know what to do. No, I like that you guys play. I love when you get in charge of a radio. It's one of my favorite things. When we drove with me, you and Ari, I was in the front seat.

I didn't get on my phone. I'm in the back seat by myself. What am I gonna do? You were definitely on your phone in that drive. No, I was not. Not on the front seat. You really turned that music up. Thank God.

No. We talked. You would tell me about music. You told me that. Yacht Rock. Sure. We were having a fucking grand old time. I'm in the front seat. I like that. I'm a talker. I like to talk. I'm in the back seat. I'm by myself. It's just an addict saying he doesn't have an addiction. Oh, you're an addict. You're both addicts. She was right. You're an addict. You know, it's funny. You started to convince me that I was wrong and you're right. And then Christine swung me right back. You're an addict. You're addicted to that phone. I'm not addicted to the phone.

If you want to talk to me, I'd rather talk. I'd rather have a conversation. I don't like texting. I'm not a texter. What about listening to music with the windows down in the canyon? I'm not a fucking music guy. Do you think you're not addicted to that? Like, I'm watching you do like that, the kind of like, a video of this, a video of that, a video of this.

In the car. Or even no, we were like watching, like, watching TV in the house. Absolutely. No, I wasn't. I told, I said to Christine, I said to Christine, I think I even buzzed her balls, like, oh Bobby's just like you, but then she's like, what's up with Isabella? I'm like, yeah. It really just like, like, Isabella, want that? She's like, I'm just like you. But then she's like, what's up with Isabella? I'm like, yeah. It really just like, like Isabella,

wanna come over and watch like the game? She's like, yeah, but 80% of that, she's just still like, you know, and is watching like people. It's like, oh look, a seal fell off of a thing at a circus. And then, oh look, two people are fighting so and so. No, no, no, no.

No, you're not showing us like that. I'm not saying, you're just doing it. Dude, we're in the pool. We had a blast. Absolutely. When we were watching the movie and the Jacuz. 100%. Didn't touch my phone.'re just doing it. Dude, we're in the pool, we had a blast. Absolutely. When we were watching the movie in the Jacuz, 100%. Didn't touch my phone.

Didn't touch it. When we were on the couch, when we were outside talking, we weren't, I wasn't doing it, when we were smoking bats, I wasn't on my phone. Me and you were yapping, we were talking. On the couch, what night was that? You're just waiting to get away from us so you can go on your phone.

Can we just, oh my God, I've met so many fat people that slipped and fall on stairs and I missed it. That's not true, that's not true. I love being with you guys. No, I had a blast. Josh, popping down in the middle of you two on the couch was really funny. I just looked over and saw him and was like.

Here's why I'm hanging out with you guys are good. I watched the Bruins game one night and you guys were in the Jacuz. Like, I can go do this, you guys go do that. There's no, hey, what the fuck are you doing? It's like, we're doing this, we're gonna be here, you're gonna be there. It's very relaxing hanging out with you guys.

You watched the little Bruins. I watched the Bruins. Checked the little Reels. I didn't. I don't, I'm, look it, I have to get. You definitely weren't not checking Reels during that time. I need to get content for this show.

You're like, hey guys, look, there's an eight yearyear-old Asian girls really good with a whip. How many things? Black Lou black me up. Do I I post I a lot of the stuff that I find I throw over to the Force. Yeah, you never check that It's if I wanted to look at all those I would just go on social media myself I'm trying to avoid all day long just going, oh, that person fell, oh, this line got loose. Oh, this is the best way to, oh, I have been using my can opener wrong the whole time.

That's a good one. That is a good one. I love learning that. I love learning when the little thing on the tin can, you're supposed to flip that the other way and use it as a straw holder. It's wrong. You guys are just negative people.

Bobby was watching the Bruins game I walked in. I said, oh, Bobby, you don't have to pretend for me. Do you like to spend his phone? I'm not looking at TikToks. I'm not looking at revenge of dance moms on TikToks. I'm not watching Karen gets arrested in a Baskin-Robbins. Here's the thing, though. You guys get to smoke weed. It's true. That's a, if I got to smoke weed.

Justine barely smokes weed though. I think it would shut down my brain a little bit. You know what I mean? Where I could just probably listen to music in a car. If I was high, I'd probably enjoy just being in the back seat with the wind and shit and listening to some music. Well I think we found our answer.

My brain is going all the fucking time. Time for you to get high. Just smoke a little. I can't, I can't. I'm not, I actually, because I probably wasn't smoking weed. Like if we were heading to Bonfire, I hadn't smoked weed yet.

I smoke weed pretty much just at night nowadays. I just like enjoy, especially in California, just like being on the road with the windows open and music playing. I know, it looks fun. It looks awesome. When you stone and you roll the window down and a fucking song comes on, it looks great.

Smoking a cigarette. I didn't want to smoke cigars in the car because I feel bad about that. But I don't know. I just fogged it out and we returned it. Yeah, I know. I don't think they said it. No charge.

No charge, yeah. I don't know, it's a different thing. When I smoked my cigar, I wasn't on my phone. I was just chilling in the backseat. Remember that when you let me smoke when I? I didn't let you smoke, I said smoke the entire time. I know, when I did smoke that time. Jay, remember when you allowed it?

When you stopped, when you uncuffed me and set me free? I liked Bobby, he left him. You and Justin split when we were down at the pool with Kurt and you got that fire pit going upstairs. And upstairs and we stayed there before we never got that thing going Well, I felt I felt bad because Justin was just sitting there listening for three hours three eight straight hours Yeah, I was just not so I was like Justin. Let's go upstairs Let and we lit the fire pit and you go Justin you talk for the biggest Yeah, but you you don't you do shut down. I did text. We had a, Bert sent us a text.

What was it? See? Yeah, I did. Yeah, I sort of did. He sent the text and then I sent one back. And I said, it's the worst too when you do it. Like, you send a text. It was about some watch thing. And then I sent something back. and then I sent another video for you And it was a funny video and there was no response from either one of you

I thought I was just linking you guys up with that watch video No, cuz I sent the thing at the end I go Jay's bored with this talk. Here's something for you Jay And I put the thing in there Remember Yeah, this is what, there's nothing worse than getting rejected in a text conversation. You're not being rejected. Don't look at it that way.

You responded, you texted us, it was really sweet, and I saw it first and I texted. He didn't, he didn't. He did respond, because I was like, did you shoot Bobby's text? A day later. I wrote back a lovely thing the next day. You did, I really did like that, from both of you.

Yeah. Hang on. I mean, mean nothing oh, it's pretty hilarious. Oh, this is pretty good Well, not that I don't know what you sent me exactly, but one thing's up top We forgot to put on this board at all is Nikki Glaser's new song and little video what oh, yeah now She's gonna she's gonna put out all the heat she's got right now. You didn't see the video? No. Well here's the thing. If I gotta be, before I get to skanks tonight,

if I gotta be positive about this, one, let's preface the whole thing and say one of the top two sets of The Roast. I say number one. I think her and Tony were fucking, I mean everyone did really good. Everyone did really, really good. I think Kev was the worst.

As far as comics. No preparation. Maybe. I think really really I think Kev was the worst as far as comics No preparation maybe I know you can't say that cuz he's your boy and he let you back into the world He's like in his life now. He let you back in his life I was also mentioned that his Mark Twain prize award at Kennedy Center via me. I made that happen Well Keith now is actually Keith said my name. It was Keith only but I hooked a relationship back up. Yes Keith said my name it was Keith only but I hooked a relationship back up. Yes fair I did so you can't so funny somebody told him that Craig Robinson talked about him The Kevin Hart thing we're like really and then we saw it was actually Keith Robinson. We're like well that makes way more Yeah, everyone's given Ian finance shit now because apparently his message, he had one of the first mentions of Nicky's thing,

her little music video, he was like, this is a real bop, like fire, and then someone else put like the line she wrote, it was like, where are these lyrics? It is, God almighty, this is a, what's a bop? A B-O-P. Yeah, there it is. Why is her gene so high?

Love her, but stick to comedy, I don't hate it. I just think she should. That's what I'm saying. This isn't even a hate... What's gonna make comics go at this, and I know she's prepared for it anyway, is that it's just like... you make fun of this. This is what you make fun of people doing. You don't get stoked to do it. Oh, trailer trash Tammy.

Song's a banger. Listen, it's produced. It's well produced, for sure. Let's hear it. I haven't heard it. It's just the- I'll give you my honest, listen, I thought the pop-top movie was great, good. Okay, now that's changed. Now I feel like you're dialing back.

It's good, it's good. Okay. It was a good movie. And you only sort of like reels? I, listen to me, I love reels. It tickles me, fancy. That just means you love TikTok. I don't love TikTok. I hate TikTok. No, real algorithms better than real.

Reels are longer. And I'm not a fucking communist, Christine. There you go. How's that? That's right. Turn back on her. Shut up, Christine. You call me America. Play the video. You call me. Call me. Hey, what's up? I'm BK Burglar. Bob Kelly, a.k.a. The Rooster. I'm Big Jay Okerson I only have one aka. I'm a cowboy. Look if you love the bonfire which you know you

do this is just half of the show. That's right it's the podcast version everybody so if you want to hear the whole thing go to SiriusXM.com slash bonfire to get the whole thing. Yeah you get tons of other entertainment too it's not just us you got other shows that you can go to after you listen to our show you can go to all kinds of other shows and uh you know what tell a friend but most importantly this show yeah this show just go to the show do something resembling anything push the button I'm gonna throw up. Stop, stop, stop.

I know. I know. Start it over then. Stop, stop. Stop. I'm gonna puke. That's what I was saying. You have to stop.

It's got the opening of it. You kidding me? Listen, this is the problem with this. We're out of the gate. I thought it was some comedy thing and she turned. So it's a song for her new special. It shocked me. I was shocked.

Yeah. Because it went into, I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. was some comedy thing and she turned. So it's a song for her new special. It shocked me. I was shocked because it went into the video of the song. Yes. And there's something in my chest right now that hurts. I don't know if that's what your funny bone is.

No. I don't know where. That's not your funny bone. It hurts. That's called nausea. That's called something's coming up. Because you're like, this isn't what comics do, man. No, it's a comic thing.

It's like, this is comedy. And the moment of her just annihilating. I mean, I have guys from Boston going, what's that Nikki girl? She's the fucking funniest thing ever. Dude. Dane Cook did it at the height of fame, right? Yeah, he did. And by the way, also, fuck all of us

in the sense that she's selling tickets out the air, she has a new HBO special, she killed in that roast. It's probably not gonna be a blip, but that's what you're almost saying. If you're having fun, why can't you try it? I bet you'll have a better feeling for that, a better, like, feeling for that than Corey Feldman, like that type of person who's like, what are you talking about? I'm a genius.

I think she's saying, like, I want to be, like, a fucking ditzy, like, pop music thing. Here's the thing, if I listened to this, it would probably be a different experience. Agreed. Now I'm watching that, that she just went from, I'm a stand-up comedian, I just killed in roast visual to into the video of the song. Mm-hmm shocked my heart Right. Yeah, go ahead

Yes, it's not on YouTube, okay She's waving to nobody. Tations Someday you'll die Someday you'll die Someday you'll die If this did for her what she's hoping it does, I think, it's not a good... I mean, like, what is... Bobby, your thoughts? This is your kind of jam, for sure.

Are you keeping quiet because you absolutely love it? Oh my God, Bobby's gonna comment genuinely. You're gonna leave a nice comment. It moved him. Wait, can we take a bet? Yeah, let's take a bet on Bobby. Before we talk, Bobby, let's all take a bet. I say, I think he, I think he's upset how much he loves the song

Yep, I think he's proud of Nikki right now. I think he's what he's feeling when he's experiencing right now is pride She filmed this all at the festival sure now you can tell one shot Lewis What's like that's a Netflix stage at palladium? Bobby doesn't want to like it, but he does he loves it Yeah, it's got a Taylor Swift vibe, though. Well, I think it sounds like someone just AI'd, like, in the tune of Taylor Swift, write a song. And she did the song. Bobby?

I hate it. OK, OK, good, good, good. Okay. Okay. Good. Good. Good. Look at me. Someday you'll die. I can't get the words out because he's lying. Here's... Now, Christine, don't try to fucking wishcraft me into this shit. Let me tell you something, man. Here's the thing. It's like I can't be the girl I want to be.

You just had a lot of plastic surgery. You're trying. Yeah. I mean, you're really trying. You want to be a girl singer a lot of plastic surgery you're trying yeah I mean you really try to be a girl singer too, and you're doing that yeah, dude You're being the exact girl you want to be famous gorgeous nice tits great teeth Flourishing career flourishing what girl you can't be What the fuck it doesn't if you hit her tour if you've been killing it for years and still on the rise Killing it and you're going your most

Successful female comic right now Everybody's talking to what do you mean this you're being exactly the girl you wanted to be you're not you're thin and pretty Everything every girl comic ever wanted to be you're the person you're singing about But she wants to be a singer. You can't put on loafers and just think we're coming down to earth. Your fake boobs are popping out of your thing. She has no fake boobs.

Are you both fucking mentally ill? I think she has small tits. Those are fake tits and they're popping out. She's just wearing like a corset thing. No, she's not wearing a- No, I remember they're deceptively big. They're fake. She got boobs. As I recall.

100%. Those are fake boobs. I think those are her whoppers. Those are not her whoppers, and let's put some money on it. Let's do it. Start from the beginning. Prize pick it right now. Let's prize pick it. Start from the beginning again.

I just, listen. I know that. Ba-da-ba-bee-ba-da-ba-boop-bop. All right, stop. Can you stop it? All right, here's the thing. This is what, waving to a fake audience, I understand it's a video, it's blah blah blah,

but that, it's like, you should've just did it in front of your audience. No, oh, I wouldn't have recommended that, unless I didn't like her, but I like her. I would've said, I said, Licky, break that out in front of the audience. No, sing it live. I don't know, dude.

That just, to me, that's just like, it's like a weird, and I- Well, it's a computer, first of all, it's a computer track voice. She has to be kidding with this too, right? This is like a kind of a joke. This is not a, this is her just fuck, you know, this is somebody going,

you know what we should do? And she's like, oh my God, do you think we can pull it? And she's doing this shot, right? So it's half joking and half. It is promo for the special, for sure. It's also, also listen to my new song on the, of the same title over and over wherever you stream music. No, Bobby, that's, you don't do that for the joke. You don't release that song that you just wrote

for the beginning of the thing as a joke. It's like, no, it's... If I heard it, I'd probably have a different... If I just heard it, I'd be like, maybe not so bad. You know what I mean? If you didn't tell me it was Nikki Glaser and you threw that on... You could have just said it was Taylor Swift.

That's what you should have did. You should have played it and go, what do you think of that? And then I would have probably gave you a... But seeing this... No, because it all goes with that. Here's the thing, also, she didn't write like a deep, like acoustic guitar, do you know what I mean? Where you're like singer-songwriter, she's doing a thing.

This is just like a. Like extreme? Yeah. This is just like. More than words. This is just like a boppy computer voice like thing. Because it doesn't, she likes Taylor Swift. She's like obsessed with, not obsessed,

but you know, she like really loves Taylor Swift. She likes singing too, which I don't with, not obsessed, but she really loves Taylor Swift. She likes singing too, which I don't fucking believe. I like singing. I don't begrudge anybody who wants to, you know what I mean, you wanna do something, go ahead, do it, I don't care. Anything I said about playing music for me is completely, why?

Okay, what is it? What are you doing to us? She's saying you can't touch this as a girl with an acoustic guitar. I thought was her playing music, but it's like a bit I go back to the way see it again, and we'll see your fake boobs There's a fake boobs They're just smushed up. No she had no boobs now. She actually has boob. That's right. I'm telling you Like fake boobs, How do you know? Cause I don't know what fake boobs look like.

I think who is this tired guy? That I wake in him and tell myself that someday you'll die. So just go for it, right? What's the meaning of it? Oh yeah. It's just that someone should stop you from trying things when you get to a point Because you're gonna get to a point where you can try everything and put it out there And it's just not like Nikki's like a fantastic comic fantastic comic like she you know I mean It was huge Nikki Glaser kills you can't I've seen her kill the seller

I've seen her everywhere she goes on stage. She murders. She kills. And the irony is, I mean. Sorry. But she did used to be, when she was with Amy doing a different thing, and at one point was like, I'm just gonna go do my thing, which is a little dirtier and a little more fucked up, but it's from where I'm coming from. I respect that.

You went and became your thing. You didn't follow suit and do this. You went and did your shit, which I respect. And she kills. Roast, she's always killing, she's always kicking ass. Yes, right, and then someone's gotta go, Kevin started making like a rap character at one point, and started, Kevin Hart? Do we have that?

Started making like a chocolate droppa. What? Where he would like battle rap people, and it's like, it was supposed to be funny, but it was like, do you get what I'm saying? It's like, I think this is the same. Eddie Murphy put off a fucking hit somehow. Well, cause it was the 80s.

Yeah, which is, you're right. You're absolutely right. It was the 80s and we were like, all right, party all the time. And he had a successful guy writing it for him. Let's get to the rapping. Is Lil kev rapping Oh Jesus, he's just doing what he did on the roast repeating what somebody else

Will get to the power here he wraps Word with the n-word I Can't tell there is it here. I don't know There it is that him or is he just that's it right there No, not really it seems like he's just lip-syncing. Oh there it is Here to get midget women to do this video Now here pause it, same difference. It just sounds like a song that I wouldn't like to begin with. Do you know what I'm saying? But it's like, there's no reason for it to have to be that person.

It would be like if Pete Davis is rapping on rapping on MJ machine gun Kelly songs like sure you can Sure, I just put you on it. But what's the point? It's not the thing you do It's like he's worked so long at being like a great comic. It's like what are we and it's when you have it You're trying to bust open another door. It just seems like it's weird like It just something happens to when comics hit a certain point, it's not enough. It's not enough. When Dane hit the point where he was so successful at comedy, he played guitar too, and he wrote a couple

things, and he's like, dude, I wanna try this. I wanna try, and then they did it. And then they get mad when people make fun of it. When comics make make you understand I'm hot, but I'm freezing cold I'm sleepy and I'm wide awake now I'm always angry and I'm very calm. I'm dating her but she's not old She's so young she's always cold.

She's only legal in the Philippines. You were my adopted sister. I met you on a game night You came over with Seth Green and some other guy I beat you in Call of Duty And then I wiped your booty Cause your mommy wasn't there to help And then Jeremy Jackson watched you jack me off That was a wild game night

You and your friends ditched on curfew We're old enough to drink But Seth MacFarlane and another random celebrity it's definitely legal in Mexico I'm having an orgy with a tenth grade class in Ed Sheeran I love you with all my might. Are you gonna love me when I lose my sight? Cuz I'm 68 and you're still in your 20s. I only hang out with other guys who who dress like maroon five. We all wear big logo t-shirts. Tight jeans with big flappy pockets.

I'm really impressing this girl who's 17. She likes my bootcut jeans. My father is my friend and she's also confused to who Jason Priestley is. My friends were all famous before her time. I used to play video games when they were just dying Boy I mean good when this girl was born I was already famous Buddy give me one more give me one more Nicky, dude. Hi everyone. Hi, let's talk about bitch It's the transition try comedy world now's when I become a bad girl Then the face she goes right away she goes like hi hi Fucking life is too short I wish I could be somebody else than famous and gorgeous and have all everything I ever wanted Got lots of money and fucking fucking fucking fucking

Wish I could meet a man like Ryan Hamilton but who is a man? Oh god she's so angry right away and sad On a yacht? Yeah. She's saying it doesn't matter. None of this matters, guys, because someday we're all gonna die. We're keeping score. By the way, these are just the other problems.

Music, these are just, these are first shot draft lyrics. Yeah. I know I'm not this person you wanted me to be I like your only person that I let you see I know I know the next one is what's easy You're not the one that made me. I'm the one that you can see my own Person let me live my life Can't be my own person. Let me live my life We should listen we need to put out a song called spunk on my face and make it a hardcore rap song blow my mind We should do we should do a song. Absolutely. We should write a song. You know what I flip just like that

We should do a song also. What if our song becomes a hit? I like it I think we should approach it thinking that it's gonna be a hit. And let's do, I think, dueling guitar solos where neither of us know how to play, really. No. Can you end the show? It's 6.56 and 30 seconds.

Yes. You say, we'll see you tomorrow, everybody, and then go right into your song. Oh, yeah. Definitely. It's like, thank you everyone, bye. And we'll be back tomorrow for the bonfire. Slam!

Da da da, da da da, make noise, be boys! I actually, you know I do, like, I like this type of stupid music. This? Oh no, you love a bubble gum horseshit song. I love Young Blood and, you know, Machine Gun Kelly, stupid shit like song I love Youngblood and are you know? Machine gun Kelly stupid shit like that. This is what the song this is the genre I want the two of you to sing. Oh, this is what we have to sing We gotta take a break. I mean sort of we have to

Yeah, we'll take a break And is gonna be at the Summit Comedy Club at Fort Wayne, Indiana May 17th in the 18th Friday and sat Irvine improv June 7th and 8th. And for tickets and all other tour dates, you gotta go see Big Jay, one of the funniest guys working, I love this song, bigjaycomedy.com. He's my friend till the end and that's the way it's gonna be. Robert Kelly's gonna be at the New York Comedy Club in Stamford, Connecticut, May 17th and 18th.

One show a night. After that, fun place. After that, he's gonna be in Port Charlotte, Florida, St. Louis and Timonium, Maryland. For tickets and all tour dates go to PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. We've got a lot of other content up there too. Skankfest 2024 badges are on sale. Skankfest.com, blah-bitty-blah, something-something. We're back everybody. YouTube page.

Watch the YouTube page. The podcast comes out every week, Tuesday through Friday on all major platforms. Please download, rate and review. It's the only numbers they give us here. We forget to tell you. We have TikTok also, and Bobby watches it. We'll be back before you know.

I'm tired of taking shit from all the people who hold me down.