The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Stag Party (feat. Mike Finoia)

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

Mike Finoia gets into a musical discussion about Green Day that leads into stripper stories. Mike explains how vile a "stag party" can be. Bobby spins a yarn about a threesome with another comedian. Jay gets friendly with a sex worker and doesn't have sex. FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly This is classic American guy ex-british. I love it If I was ever gonna be a lead singer if I was gonna choose that which it's still a possibility I'm still weighing the options of should I just go full band? We can start a band but Lou only knows three chords. It's fine. Mikey can play the guitar. If I was gonna be lead singer that's the style. You know you want to. I want you to do the same. Me and you. Blur dude. Yeah I love it.

Dude was that blur? I like Bobby's British. That was great You know me and Mike we love each other deep and that's what we got to do I will say It is the reason I hate green day. I like that a lot. I've never liked green day I don't like that. He chooses to sing in a British egg. That's stupid. I kind of love it Yeah, Brandon flowers is from Vegas this is fake yeah yeah but he puts on a Britishy thing when he sings oh he's from little Britain in Vegas black Lou just caught me rubbing my own holding my own ribs turn it up though a little bit is the best part

This is Finance Bro, Happy Hour, Yeager Bomb Rock. Absolutely, dude. And that's why I hate it. Oh yeah. Passport Bros. This is. Who's going to see Paddy's Dan Hovoken? What are Passport Bros, Black Lou? I keep looking at this.

Is it guys who go overseas to meet fine ass Thai women or something, them home it's new to me too man you never heard a term on world star even I saw one time constantly what is that sport bro sport bros they're calling them now they go other countries in and bang I well I don't think bang I think the idea is to bring them back oh you bring it back are you unfamiliar to Lou for others to bang foreign woman because Western woman have been influenced basically because they're more submissive. Oh, because those bitches know how to listen. Those bitches have had ass.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. They're all hyphy like us American ladies. They still ain't got shit between their ears over there. Yeah, you guys have too much shit. You have too many things. I have to hit Christine four times before she cleans. They only open their mouth for cack. The first three she's still fighting back.

She's like, no. I go, god damn it, you are too Americanized. I never had to hit Dawn because her father did the right thing. Yeah? Oh good, molested her and shit so she's afraid of stuff? No. No, I'm sorry. We have the wrong... The wrong right thing? We have the wrong right thing, yeah. I thought she's like, she'll never leave you out of fear because she was molested. No, Dawn was never molested. I wish she was. She'd be a little more kinky in the bedroom. I know right? Tit, tit, puss, puss, lick, lick, easy.

Bobby wait are you talking about my new game is taking over the world, mouth, pussy, ass, hand, hand? Here's five guys who gets hand, who gets hand, who gets mouth, pussy, and ass. who gets mouth pussy and ass Mouth pussy ass hand hand Everyone's new favorite game America's new favorite game. I do love that game. I wish we did consult with you before our game You like green day. I I like green day. I do I don't like I don't really seem to like them When I heard him on Howard, I didn't find it any even more appealing and usually that a good interview from Howard will make you go like okay okay they like they make me like the guy from LFO on Howard Stern he was very Ryan Filippi he made great on Howard Stern I don't know man those guys just like they're think I think they're

like whatever people that would hate ZZ Top I can see him having the same argument here yeah it's like a three- I can see him having the same argument here. It's like a three man band that just writes the same song 75 times, and I like ZZ Top though. Well maybe I'll hate them. But I don't like this. Maybe I'll hate them. Tell me why you think they wrote the same three songs.

See, American Idiot. I hate his, if you're gonna be, if you're gonna do the thing, do the thing. Marilyn Manson, next time I see him, I don't care if he's 70, put the fucking makeup on. Dude, I think he lost weight too, Marilyn Manson. It looks like he's skinny in pictures I'm seeing. Yeah.

Hey, maybe I'm wrong, Jacob. I didn't say I'm betting on it, but he looks pretty skinny in pictures, Marilyn Manson. When Christina's YouTube up, she has the same thumbnail photo of him with a giant chin. Who? Marilyn Manson. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it was in the corner and it just looks terrible. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But his new pictures he's putting out, he looks pretty slim. I think he's sober too. I like Green Day. But here's the Green Day thing, I don't believe when he puts the dark around his eyes,

when he's, his thing just like. They come from punk rock though. They were a hardcore punk rock band and their fans originally turned on and their fans originally it was always that kind of punk rock. No, they were they were punk They had a punk rock face kind of punk mall punk, yeah Beach punk, I like beach punk. I do you like ito punk Do you like circle jerks and and minor threat and all those guys like all the hardcore dickhead? Yeah, we should get a garage and do some up in fucking Westchester.

I like Circle Jerks. Come on in. I like Circle Jerks with Mega Threat. I don't want Minor Threat. I want Mega Threat. I don't like Green Day because it just reminded me of the people that like Green Day in high school. It was mall people.

I got the album. I got the Dookie album. I like Dookie album. And it's like, listen, they're good. I'm never disputing that. If you've made it that level, you're not good as a band. I just, their thing has just never been. I like Red Hot Chili Peppers more than them,

and I do not really dig that either. I like, I think, I don't know. I think I like them the same, but I think I would rather go see, I mean, I'd rather go see Red Hot Chili Peppers live than Green Day. Sure. Because I don't want to be bouncing up and down

the whole fucking time. No. But. You want to see Flea's Weiner. It's been your thing. Yeah, 100%. I have to say, I've seen Green Day twice, but I saw them on the American Idiot Tour,

and it blew me away. It was one of the best concerts I've been to. I mean, they just performed their asses off. I bet they do. Listen, I think Blink-182's some shit, but I saw them live just by chance because they just perform their asses. I think they do listen I think when he's some shit But I saw them live just by chance because they were part of a festival Blink 182 and I was like when I walked out there. I was like I mean they were fun live Yeah, definitely put on a show. That's about time. You were my girl

I met you at the mall. I love that music too Voices I love songs that. I figured you in the dressing room at Forever 21. You got dropped off by your dad. I love it. At the mall. Green day are like the same. Also that music age is so, so bad,

which is the funniest thing in the world. I like that so much, having the watch disturbed, go on stage now in that song, is it voices? We're in the middle of and that song, is it Voices, we're in the middle of it, or no, it might be their most famous, ooh, wow, in the middle, if he does the whole song, he has to go, no, mommy, I don't wanna do this, ow, stop, just I wanna live my life, just let me, please don't hurt me, mommy, you hurt me, ow,

and then he starts going, mommy, you gotta die, da-da-da-da-da-da, die. It's just so like a, Papa Roach has to go, I know my mother loves me, but does my daddy even care? Right before the show, he's on the phone with his dad's nurse. He's 57. Great temples. It's so funny to see that.

He's like, no, dad, I love you. We'll play Pinnacle tomorrow. I'm about to walk on stage. Oh my god. Older adult, mature adult, teenage angst? You still have to bring it up on stage. Yeah, that is silly. I think Korn almost, when I watch my Seether set list,

they kind of shy away. They really don't play the teenager angst, you hurt me daddy songs. They really don't play those too much. They just kind of do like the newer stuff and shit that makes sense but like not too much like the depressy right like shit at all but I mean some of these bands their biggest thing was that I mean that was their whole career a lot of them you know I mean it's so funny to have a song called last resort

about killing yourself band everyone the band still kicking it well that's like the whole like I hope I die before I get old, yet they're doing like five reunion tours, it's like Pete Townsend and Roger Taltz are getting wheeled out there and they're like, I hope I die today. We won't be fooled again, although I did get messed with this African banking scam recently because I don't understand how Facebook works.

Looks like I got food again. Tip my hat to the new revolution that doesn't like the vaccine. Yeah, it's also to rock stars get older and become like Republican. They do become right wing. Van Morrison and Eric Clapton both got all fucking political. It's like Van Morrison, you fucking Blarney Stone, yeah? I think I speak for John Leonard when I say he would have loved Trump 2024.

Imagine America great again. With O Yoko. Imagine America great. Imagine America great again. Imagine border shut down. Kanye West is vice president. Imagine white people in the kitchen. It's easy if you try.

Imagine no voter fraud. Is this Green Day Live? Is this what you saw? No, I can't find a clear live is what you saw This is a 2015 Hall and Fame, oh god that gives out that blew me away when I saw Green Day was inducted in the Hall of Fame I was like number one. I'm old number two how the fuck were they old enough to be in the Hall of Fame I know nine. I know I didn't realize it. Yeah, I mean there. What is it? They've been around for 30 What's it 18 years after 93 or four?, what is it? They've been around for 30 years. 93? You got it. 94. What's it, 18 years after?

93 or 4, yeah, for sure. 18 years after your first album. They've been famous since then, right? 24. 25. That's when that album came out, and they were famous immediately after that album. It has to be 20 years.

Yeah, but you were saying before about their fans turning on them, because it's the perfect, I think I told you that, where it's the perfect example of when they did say Alvin Stern, I found that interesting. It's like people want to possess something when it's small But their job When they're your fans though when you do that level is to go spread the word like dude

Yeah, you've got to hear this new band and then when they go they are great. They're popular. Everyone's like fuck those Can't help it. Yeah, that's like bargassi's joke. He's like, I don't hate Walmart. It's just a mom and pop that made it Yeah, yeah, it's the mom and pops sort of made made it at some point. It was just a store. Yeah 91 and Yeah, but they're but they've been popular since 94 dookies the album. Yeah, I like how they're the album is Plunk That's now they were like you were talking about Bobby. That's when they were playing like That's when they were like, you were talking about Bobby, that's when they were playing like, skate parks.

Yeah, you can tell. Play a little Kerplunk. Their album is fan art. Yeah, totally. Play Kerplunk. I bet it sucks, dick. It's exactly what, it's exactly, this is Dookie. This is Dookie part one. That is why I said they'll be blind blue-blue

scumbag Lou B2 Skateboard way, he's a key blue sea block B. They're from, California chain wallet Horizontal stripes on my shirt spiky hair none of my socks match So welcome to paradise was a hit but maybe it became a hit it was on this yeah I mean this is a pretty sick song oh yeah was this there this is on this album yeah I didn't know that let me say it either must have redone it for look if it's on dookie it's definitely on dookie wow they fucking double-dip in our welcome to paradise it a good song. It is a good song.

Yeah, it's a good, I'm saying they have a lot of good songs that are good. I just don't wanna hear them really ever. I'd never put this on. If it comes on, if I was driving and it was on lithium, it doesn't make me immediately change the channel. But you would never pick them to open up the show? No. No, not unless it was for a reason for something like this or the words meant something

If we were having on a lunatic you play basket case American idiot. You don't like it's fine. You don't like it It's just not whatever their genre is ain't my thing I don't like it It was a rock opera. So it's like a whole new is it a rock opera What's the opera? Let her get it out before you turn what's the opera? We like Tommy's a rock opera, but I know the story of Tommy What's the story of American idiot American idiot similar to Tommy left? Easy I go what is the thing only Jacob caught it? He left I go. What's the sun wear bag at Wetzel's press? I said, what is the thing, only Jacob caught it. He left this Pacific Sunwear bag at Wetzel's Prats. I said, what's the story of American

Idiot? She goes, American Idiot. It's about an idiot from America. What's it about? I don't know it that well. You saw it live. I did see it live and I knew the album. You can't call it a rock opera. It's not a rock opera. That was in her sniffing glue days. It was synopsis right there. It was was on it was on the Broadway, right? Yeah So was it yeah was it was that's like what that type of read it? Okay follows the story of Jesus of suburbia. Yeah, the lower middle-class American adolescent antihero It expresses the delusion and descent of a generation that came Anything you're a dead fan because the dead's great

Let's get into it Bobby. I've been dying I tell you I bite the steering wheel sometimes when I hear you talk about the dead listen the dead stick No, they don't they saw no they don't I hate why does Bobby's I don't like grateful dead Grateful doesn't like you, but it doesn't make you want to bite the steering wheel Why does Bobby's because I Because I gotta be honest with you, we're trying to get to the bottom of what's going on with Bobby because individually there's a few people that just come at him for no good reason.

I love him, I'm scared to death of him. That's what I'm saying. Scared of me? You're scared to death. What is Bobby putting out there that I'm not seeing? Because he seems like the most gentle soul. I love you. Why are you scared of me?

Well because I don't know. I think early on I wanted you to kill me and I Didn't get invited to your picnics, and then I'm like fucking barbecue really fucked up a lot of people Yeah, it's the burden of being the barbecue person. I've lived it. Yeah, but it really fucked up a lot of people like Have still have shit against me for not inviting. I don't shit again. I invited 60 people to the party Don't say those kind of numbers buddy, that's crazy. Would you say a number like that if you go? No, you know I had 25 people you went I invited friends of friends of friends They have to slide I rented my neighbor's house to invite more people you

Were the you were. You were 63 though. No, I'm not. I had half of, it was Max's birthday, so it's half his friends and their dumb parents. And you know Mike's not allowed to be that close to the boys. And then my group of friends, but I've had two groups of friends. Colin Quinn, Rich Voss, Keith Robinson, Jim Norton. That's my group with whoever they brought.

You combine those worlds? And then Jay. You're like Keith and Max's friends? Lewis, Joe, Dan. I had to invite. Well, can I say something about this sectioning? I didn't section you guys. You guys are my friends.

My groups are friends. One's from a different generation. The other one's from a younger generation. But where, and I mean, it's a real question. Yeah. Where do I fall exactly? It's an interesting question because when you describe those two groups,

I'm like, it seemed like in the beginning of my career, I would be sitting at the table with you, Keith, boss, blah, blah, blah, because that's what I was in, but I also was like, I was young in that world, so I kind of liked the friends I made, were the people doing exactly what I was doing, and also slightly behind, you know what I mean? Like Dave and Lewis being a couple years behind me. Right, exactly. So I had I sat at that table with Billy, Patrice, Keith, Voss, Norton, Colin,

Geraldo for a number of years before we ever showed up before you were there. Yeah, we were kind of that thing being at the cellar. And then you guys started trickling in. Yeah, we came there. It was known like you want to go, go Keith you guys are coming and I'm bringing you to the back table We have we the table didn't exist when we started yeah Actually, they put a piece of this would a piece of paper on it that said for the comics the cello was a shitty club Yes, it was the bad club to work in the city the strip was the the main club to work I like the strip a lot, but I,

no, when I came here though, the thing to get into was the cellar because of the level of comic that was there. It was like every other club in the sense that it was done, like by the time it got to midnight, it was like any other club that would happen where the show has been going since 9 p.m. and, or 7 p.m. If they didn't make it two shows, but the nine o'clock would go to like three in the morning Yeah, and so people were genuinely some people trickle in

but by midnight it was somewhere like 40 people there and then by the time I would go on many times like 12 to 20 people there like it's yeah, it's. Before you showed up, I was the 145 spot. Me and Garfie would always be either or. 145. It would be me and Attell for the longest time. And then when you guys came up, I was hosting, I think. Was that hosting at that point? No, you were spots.

I hosted a lot of years, too. I hosted, too. That was sort of the way in. That was the way in. You were really funny. They should make you a host. Because you could go up after anybody and keep the show going. Yeah, but. Yeah.

But then when you guys came in, I became friends with you first, then I think Joe, you and Joe, we started becoming friends. Me and Joe became really close. The roads, yeah. Well, he lived in my neighborhood. Well, Joe, I brought him from Philly.

Joe moved in with me. Right, and then. I brought him, that was your first time meeting him, was that gig. I asked you guys if I could bring you, if I could bring DeRosa to this college with us. If you wouldn't mind, I could almost host it, because I was gonna open for him and Bill Burr,

small college show, whatever. And we did it, and that was the night we went to that strip club that was definitely a house. Troy, New York. Yeah, and DeRosa was kicked out because he spoke to the manager about the girl giving a shitty lap dance for the money he gave. You're supposed to get, right when they,

right when they announced two lap dances for the price of one. They'd also, by the way, told us at one point at time, we were there for like 10 minutes or so, and then they go, something got different, and they closed a door. It was me, because I went to the owner, I go, hey can we smoke? Because right when New York was like,

you can't smoke inside, I go, hey can we smoke? And then he did a Bronx tail, he goes, went over the door, locked it, he goes, you can now. Yeah, whoa. Locked the door, and I just lit up and started smoking. It was the best. It's a hell, I mean, it's a row home. It's attached, it was called Cloud Nine.

I'll never forget that. And it's just, next to it is a house. Shit neighborhood. Wow. It was a shit neighborhood. They had glass windows in the front, like a storefront, but they were just blacked out Yeah, so we didn't we actually walked by and go what's this and we heard music and we went in and we like a strip club

Oh, it was like I think two people there. Maybe it was it was it was light. It was light It was like but I mean this stage like the steps upstairs Were like house steps upstairs. What's crazy about the whole thing is, as much as this was a house, when you walk out there's a gift shop. A gift shop? No, no, no. Like a DVD store. It was a porn store, yeah.

Porn store with dildos. Like a strip club gift shop. So you walk in the front, out the back, and it was porn and dildos. So, but what happened was, I never told you this story before, this is great. So we're there, and the show's great by the way.

They locked that door, these girls took their bottoms off, started dildoing. No, what happened was as soon as they locked the door, they knew they had a bunch of young bucks in there and the stage was a pit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a pit. Right in front of the stairs.

So all of a sudden, the guy was on the radio, guys get ready for what's gonna happen And the girl went and got a duffel bag And they went up two girls into the pit and they started going nuts And then they started taking out stuff from the bag and they started to do it But as they're doing more progressively worse stuff in the pit, but they would dream the lights down So we're sitting there dimming the lights, dimming the lights, dimming the lights.

And then as soon as we got to, they were just about to put something in, the girl was about to put something in the other girl, he'd be like, the lights would go so far down. If you want the lights up, start tipping, fellas. Oh, wow. And we just got it thrown. And as you threw more money in, the lights went back up.

And they did that like three times. We're having a ball. Yeah. I don't even like strip clubs. But we're having a ball. It was the greatest strip club night ever. And they go, I don't know where DeRosa liked strip clubs, I guess, at the time, because he didn't have any more money

than I had. And when they say things like two-for-one Lapdances that doesn't even register with me something now. I'm here at the table with the guys I got us all whipped up with this dildo sure dimming the lights bring it back up We were at the end of it. They were like alright guys two-for-one lap dances upstairs private show So I went over to smoke cuz I'm not really into lap dances. I think they're annoying Yeah, yeah, and DeRosa went up I think burr went up too. Maybe but DeRosa definitely went up. Yeah, he went up and then I'm me

I think me and you were smoking We're just sitting there smoking and all of a sudden we see the girl come running down and then DeRosa behind her and he's got That DeRosa I could smell shit, but I don't know where it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and he walks over He starts talking to the manager. Who's this little fat guy in a suit. And he got, I guess he went up not as fast, so he got a one and a half song. The song started.

Well no, but somewhere he complained about something. She didn't do a whole two songs. She didn't do a whole two songs, but the guy starts making it out like Joe's complaining about the level of like grinding, particularly that she did. So this guy, what we keep hearing is, the guys, so at one point we're looking over,

we know, we and Bobby, we're smoking, we're all having, it's a very fun play. We found this little weird hole in the wall, it's gonna be a story forever. Across the street from our hotel. Yeah, we don't know why the story is happening. And like where the story is going to come from. And this is it.

We see the Mario and we're just kind of half paying attention. Like, what's the and then you hear the guy starts going over the music. Listen, she's not just going to grind all over your lap for 20 bucks. And he's like, the word the word saying really got onto Joe's skin yes because I'm not I know I don't want her to grind I just paid for two dances two for one I got a dance in a half he goes she's not just gonna grind all over your left he said it staying he stopped saying grind he literally said that sir we can't just have you up there with a girl grinding all over your lap.

Stop saying grind. I never said grind. Dude, Joe eventually goes, Joe eventually goes, stop saying it. Like he got flustered and then they go and they asked Joe basically to leave so we all leave as we're leaving. This is a story that we usually only tell the last part of because as we're leaving in the gift shop, Bobby, the only one of us who has a laptop at this stage of the game at all,

goes, he goes, oh, I got my laptop. He goes, and Bobby just buys a porn DVD. And this is it. I love telling stories of this, because again, people have been around for so long. It's like gullible young Joe DeRosa didn't know these guys yet. I did.

And I know Bobby, and I've been on the road with Bobby at this point already, and that's when we get a call. Me and Joe go in our room, and Bobby's like, you know, he's got his own room, so he's like, yeah, I'm gonna go jerk off to my porn DVD. You fucking guys sit there with your thumbs up your ass. And then we get a phone call 20 minutes later, and, or no, no, no, not a phone call, the door knocks.

I went out and knocked on their door. You knocked on the door. They were right next to me. I go, it's Bobby. Or you did call first, you go answer your door or something. No, no, no, I went over to your door, I knocked on it and ran back to my room. And then I left.

Joe opens it. Joe opens the door and there was a. He goes, all it is, he goes, I don't know, it's like there's like a rag on the doorknob. Face cloth. I go, Joe, Bobby jerked off into that, and he goes, no, he didn't, and then Bobby called us laughing.

Of course he did. How did Joe not know that? Bobby's load towel. Bobby's load towel. You're the father of an 11 year old now. That's amazing. When people remind you of things like that you go what have I done? Like I have a adult child who looks up to me. Hey, what's up? I'm BK burglar Bob Kelly aka the rooster. I'm Big Jay Okerson.

I only have one aka. I'm a cowboy. Look, if you love the bonfire, which you know you do, this is just half of the show. That's right. This is the podcast version everybody. So if you want to hear the whole thing, go to SiriusXM.com slash bonfire to get the whole thing. Yeah, you get tons of other entertainment too.

It's not just us, you got other shows that you can go to after you listen to our show. You can go to all kinds of other shows. And you know what, tell a friend. But most importantly, this show. Yeah, this show, just go to this show. Do something resembling anything. That's amazing.

I love, did you- Mike Fennoy's here by the way, we didn't introduce the show at all. We came out and the game's hot. Did you go to stags when you were younger then Boston? Do they have bachelor parties or stags? I went to I went to one at an Italian restaurant I never heard the term actually I've heard the term. I just thought was another term for bachelor party But Mike's told me the whole thing of I don't understand what they are It's a whole I grew up going to like I went too young to these stags

and it was at like a VFW. Instead of a bachelor party, we would have a stag where they'd rent like a hall, get kegs, the wives would make like trays of sausage and peppers and bake ziti and shit, right? Everyone would bring stuff for a raffle. And you'd go in, it would be like 20 bucks a ticket, and then you'd buy an arm's length of raffle tickets.

And at the, after dinner, they'd do a raffle length of raffle tickets and at the after dinner they'd do a raffle and all the money would go to the groom and you know everyone's drinking having a good time when the old guys left and the kids left that's when the strippers came and there would be a dude with a duffel bag and he would basically you know, she'd go in the bathroom and blow dudes or jerk dudes off, whatever. There would be this like ring of shame from the last stag. So like the brother-in-law that got a little too wasted and tried to like fuck a stripper last time

is now like sober drinking ginger ale on the way back going like, yeah, I can't. My brother-in-law's watching, and my wife finds out, you know, whatever whatever But it's like a levels of like you know Shame all the way down and you guys gonna get to that though that it gets that deep Like from like the kids are there sausage and peppers big ziti face painting That eventually it goes to fucking the bad. I thought that I was almost gonna say I think the stag is much more Like docile in a sense because like some of the ladies

are there, but it eventually gets to prostitution? It got to the point where it was like, dude, like, I saw some shit. I don't mind that. It almost, like, I don't wanna say it ruined strippers for me, but it like got to the point where I was like, We would just send the kids away and smoke pot. No one got laid. 12, 13, 14, and I'm seeing a chick like freelance

on a table over here where nobody's even Double-headed dildo she's got her fucking hair and like bake ziti with like cigarette butts put in it and shit She's just a mess wait into just I mean Great fire extinguisher one one time they flipped a chair over and she put a chair leg upper cooch But there was a gum there was old gum stuck to the bottom of the fucking leg Did she have caught she put a condom on the chair leg or she's put the chair leg I gotta tell you I'm thinking right I don't remember her putting a condom on that. She's raw dog the chair leg did she bring the chair no No, no, no, no, no, it's a fucking chair

All left leg, but no I mean it got radical and everyone like people would like just grab their chairs and circle And they the chick would slam the ground go to town and dudes are just fucking like launch dollars at her and the old man That like there'd always have to be one guy at like the American Legion or whatever Who's just like this cock don't work, but he's like working the keg making people fucking You know whiskey sours and shit, like stag drinks. I went to one of the Italian restaurants I used to work at. Someone got married and they locked the door one night.

And they had the girl in the bathroom. And I got shuffled into the bathroom with her. Yeah. But I couldn't do it. I just- No! I was like, this is fucking wrong. My uncles are there and all these people are there. And I'm like, this is weird.

And also like you're watching the dude That's getting way too into it Who's now a cautionary tale to you and it's like I don't be that dude Where he's almost like elbowing people out of the way to get like a better view of her tits I already lost my family to some of this. I actually started talking to the girl. I was like you good like is everything alright? She's like I'm fine, honey. I did that at, great, dude. I swear to God, I did that at the bachelor party once. The stripper took me into the thing. And instead of fucking, she went there to fuck. And I went in there, I was like, I'll do it.

Someone paid for me at this party. It wasn't my bachelor party either. It was another person's bachelor party. They paid for me. And I went in there. And it started just weirdly talking to her about, I was like, yeah, I used to be a driver for girls coming to Bachelor Party.

And she's like, yeah, but, and then it just came so quick to like smoking cigarettes and her being like, yeah, sucks, you know? It's just like all these skeezy guys out there waiting to do something like that. And it was just, and then like, by the way, I was a guest's guest at this bachelor party. No one knew it.

A guy who I know threw another person, was like, I'll come, it'll be fun. So I was like, alright, I'll go. And then I'm in the, and someone's like, you hear people outside the door going, what the fuck is this guy even, man? And I'm just looking at her like, they don't understand that me and you

are clearly falling in love in here. Which we were not. And that was it, I left, like, talked to her for a few minutes, but it, like, talked to a bunch of folks, but it was like 15, 20 minutes of just like shooting the shit with her in a bathroom, like two high schoolers falling in love. That's great.

And then she was out of my life. I worked at that restaurant. That where all that shit went down? Shit went down. I had to go back to the next day to do a shift. Oh God. It was just weird to know what the botchery, I don't like when there's a bunch of guys in a room

with one or two girls. It's too fucking rapey. Yeah, it's chanting a bunch of hooting and hollering around the girl. I said I drove to those bachelor parties before, and it really degenerates into something that's, it takes a few times of me doing it to get even like, not nervous when that's going on,

because it feels that energy. But when everyone's cheering around, screaming a guy, or chanting a guy's name while a girl's pouring beer down her tits into his mouth, and you're just like... And then the girls, depending on the level of comfort the girls had, different ones with different rules and kind of, you know what I mean?

So it's like a guy sucking beer literally off your nipple, they're like pouring it down her tit into his mouth over her nipple, tongue on her nipple. He grabs her ass and then she looks at me with like a, hey, over here, I go, what's the line? Like, this guy's sucking your tit. I know, and he throws a flag at him. I remember when that little busboy,

the busboy went in, like the dude who like, buses my tables, all of a sudden he just Just just sitting there like go in one get one Then he came out with just a smart I'm like, come on, dude I just I could look back and think about that and it's like all these dudes sitting around right here and then like on the tables like a Kurt Schilling signed baseball and like a bottle like Canadian Club and people are just looking at like what can we like? Throw in her. But also you know what could we like but also? Somebody filmed the corner of the bachelor party of the guys coming out because it's two different people the guy that's

Going the fuck in a dingy closet in a house because you know for whatever 100 bucks and you fuck the chick when you walk out of that you drunk or whatever no one walks down goes yeah I sat there one time while this girl took two guys at a time seven times 14 dudes the only one didn't go in was the was the best man didn't go in but everybody oh and the groom that's the groom when the groom. That's the worst. The groom, hook up with the girl. When the groom does it? No, the groom, no the groom did. Yeah. No dude.

Yeah, when they drag him in and make him. When they drag him in and the groom, and then you gotta, you're like, dude, you gotta go to the wedding? Dude, this groom. Oh, fuck that. Buddy, this groom was brought in by himself. He didn't go in with the gang bang girl.

He went in with, this girl was a little black, skinny, thin crackhead with a Gumby haircut she had like a fucking Kwame. It was so she was such a little junkie like she was like she looked everywhere she walked and it was and I and a door opened up like a fucking movie and I saw her one time was blowing the groom, and then next time he was like fucking her from behind, and she was just over-noising, you know what I mean? Oh yeah, there it is, uh-huh.

But the other girl was- I do object. Dude, the other guys going in two at a time with the other girl in the room, who had her period, by the way. The whole thing, yeah dude, it's a rank world, for, yeah, dude, it's a rank world, for sure. It's a bad world. It's a bad world, for sure.

By the way, I find this whole thing deplorable. I was trying to make money and see naked chicks. It was all fat kid. It was all innocent fat kid shit. I didn't think they were gonna fuck me or nothing like that. I was like, I'll become friends with them, and then it's cool, I'll see them naked.

But I didn't think any of them were gonna fuck me at all. And they never did. Did you ever wanna just go in and go, hey guys, stop, stop, let's get outta here, and throw Whitney Houston out of there? Yeah, you do like a James Brown, you throw a cape over. Yeah, like the bodyguard,

just take her out through the crowded dudes. I bought the first car I ever drove, I bought her flowers the next day. Oh, geez. And then she became a heroin addict. She's probably dead She cooked the flowers and shot him. I thought she was so pretty she resold them as Chubby dropped her off She was telling me better abusive boyfriend trying to get her kid back from some kind of service and

And she bought herself flowers that night when I was driving her home you know after the gig and she goes uh she goes I buy myself flowers after I work every night because I deserve them oh and the next day I was like my Romeo moment I'm bringing a prostitute flowers to her front door now she's probably creeped out I know where she all she sees is fact I know knows where I live and came to my door unannounced And I gave her I go you deserve somebody else to give you flowers and we didn't hook up or anything ever But but two years now how I am feeling you're a pussy It's such a beautiful thing

Dildo dildo moment I brought a prostitute flowers the next day. No, but you got a heart of gold. You have a heart of gold for a pussy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I. I love you. Just as a guy, I could see slow motion a bunch of white dudes pouring beer on her tits. His eyebrows slapping.

And he's just pushing up. Sliding into slow motion, stopping the drip of beer from hitting her tits. As soon as they get outside, she's like, what the fuck are you doing, motherfucker? You're better than this, Don. Motherfucker, I got bills. I just lost a $1100. My husband gonna whoop my ass

if I don't come home with that money. I just lost a $1100. That's a white girl. Because of you, you fat motherfucker. Now bring me back in there. You gonna have $200 with the flowers, bitch? You're gonna have to do it. Kick over to the door, the song's still playing,

and I place her back inside. She didn't want to be saved. Hey, great news. She didn't want to be saved. She swallowed it. Get it all, daddy. Did you wash the car before you picked her up that day? I expect you had a song on cue.

You got one of the... You got a nice new car fresh. Oh, yeah. With like half the vanilla Rama with half the bag on still I'm trying I'll try to Put that into my like my brain well to see if it'll chug anything because there I must have but I don't remember I never had like a great really car ever, but I try to keep it clean and Definitely always like music. We I'm the person who would definitely go

These are the first five songs. go, these are the first five songs. I choreographed the first five songs for listening to, so she thinks I'm fucking badass. I still do that. You do that when we try? Me and Carter Cruz, she's the DJ for the Burt tour the last two years. I drove her from San Diego to LA once,

and I mean, the songs I was picking, I was like, let me make her think I'm the coolest fucking motherfucker ever. She's asked me 80 times, she goes, send me a playlist of what, she goes, what was that playlist? I went, there was no playlist, I was just calling them out individually after each one. I saw what the vibe was and went for the next one.

You did that with me last week when we came from the stand of your house. You can twist it into a zone, dude. Twist everybody into a zone. Were you trying to fuck me last week? No, I was just trying, I wanted you to think it was cool. You got flowers. No, it works Yeah, well when you get twisted in a zone with Jay it gets the east jump in his own It's so funny thinking about you being the dude that drove them there because at the stags that dude was such a shithead

But that couldn't have been you Connecticut you at stags. I did the opposite I did the opposite of being a day I've saw very quick. I'm not gonna carry a gun. They told me the other they said the older guys had guns Yeah, I wasn't gonna carry a gun. That was terrifying sounding to me. So I went in there much more with like no chucks No, it was like flowers here's the thing at the end of the day not that things can't go haywire, but there's a paper trail, there's a credit card attached to this situation. And it's the best man, usually. They have the contact, is the person who paid,

and find that person, the guy who paid, and real quick, chummy with that guy. I would never be like, so the girls do blah blah, I was always trying to be funny, and just like, you know, I was like, we're cool because, and just, you know, because at the end of the day, that guy would become your best friend when you go. It's like, hey buddy, she's getting bummed out

that your guys are being a little grabby with whatever, and then that guy would most of the time would be like, guys, fucking be cool, man. And that guy would kind of do it for you. So I took the route of always trying to be like that. But I've had to throw chicks over my shoulder and get the fuck out of a room before. Damn, dude.

That's a lion's den of just dudes. It's 15 to one on the best situation. So you had to throw a chick over your shoulder and go through a crowd? Atlantic City. No, not a crowd. Oh, fuck. Just get out of the room.

Once you're in the hallway, they're not gonna do anything. And it was never like, people were grabbing at me and I had to pull away from, there was a situation where I was like We're gonna go now because like the guys are starting to be as you know They're saying shit like what are you gonna do about it if we do this kind of shit to her Oh do you to me? Oh, because you know at that point I've already at least been like hey guys Huh, what were you gonna do what I did throw over my shoulder and escape and if they got her

escape and if they got her, leave myself. Did you have a knife or a bat or anything? Anything in the car? He did have a karate shirt tucked in. I had a karate shirt. You had a gi underneath everything? I dressed like Dalton at the end of Roadhouse for every gig. Every gig I wore a gi tucked in the jeans. Sweatpants no underwear.

Yeah. I think I had a boot knife in my cowboy boots Oh, I can't believe you did that with no weapon I think that must have been the first time I saw a gun too is that one of those because the dude showed up with Like a pink duffel bag and threw dildos and a gun like fucking basically on the table and was like you guys Yeah, you know you guys know what to do, but don't take it too far I'm right over there, and then it's just like, dude, shoving other dude's faces into her pussy and shit. And it's just like weird and uncomfortable.

There's nothing about that. And I'm looking back at that, dude. That guy's got a gun in dildos. We're getting hit with something. There's nothing about a guy shoving another guy's face into her. Now it's disgusting. So the issue also is,

like with the girls, they're willing to do different things. I said the issue also is with the girls, they're willing to do different things. Each girl's got their own lines. So I drove girls that were genuinely putting themselves through med school, one girl was. So it was like, this guy's only looking at my pussy. Can you say something?

I'm like, you're naked. That's what they paid you to come do. And then there's other girls that were like if there's other girls that were like it goes I hate to ask you this but they're asking if you would suck their dicks for $10 apiece and they'll be like 15 It's like it's med school not grad school. No, no, no I'm saying like that the one the med school girl wouldn't do anything like anything Yeah, and then there's another girl who's just like is it trying to get her kids back from social services?

It was like, I'll only do a blow bang, but no one's gonna fuck me, but I'll suck everyone's dick. So like, they, like some girls would not do anything. They would just get naked, dance, and some of the parties weren't sex, or were? No, some of them were just, yeah. Some of them were just dancing. Dancing, blah, blah, blah, they throw money in it's own of them were just, yeah. Some of them were just dancing.

Dancing, blah, blah, blah, they throw money in it's own. Tricks and yeah. Yeah, I don't mind a dance, like a girl dancing and getting naked is fine, but once you got into sex, I was like, it was just weird. Well when it's like you're watching your softball team, like you're at their most, like this is where you don't wanna see your buddies, you know what I mean?

Like this is when you'd be jerking off at home and now you're like, touching a girl's butt hole like it's a fucking elevator. And it's like, this is weird. You don't wanna see your friend's fuck face. Right, that's what I mean. Because there's something that happens with, you know, they get into that fucking, ehh.

Yeah, and then when we get kicked out of the American Legion, now it's like, werewolves are running around town, like everybody just goes to the strip club and fucking. I have a story I told on a Ari Show one time about me, Kurt, my buddy Glenn, fucking a chick. And Kurt, I remember that day, watching Kurt fuck in his face, I remember thinking to myself, I was like, where does he go?

It was like a, like a dead like a four dead eyed looking, like how horses fuck. You know what I mean? It's like make cum, sperm cum out. So weird. Zone dude, total zone. I was looking at him in the face and he wasn't looking at me at all. He was like a bull. Zone, dude, total zone. I mean, I was looking at him in the face and he wasn't looking at me at all. He was looking through you.

I had that with Sharad in Vegas. And we were with a girl, flight attendant, continental, really cute girl, and she was down. She's like, look, we can fool around, but we're not having sex. She was naked in the room. And she was like, I have my period, and you could see the little thing coming out. She had like a little OB or something in there.

And I was like, oh, that's cool. You know, whatever you want to do. I don't care. And he was like, nah, player. We're fucking. And he tugged on it like a light switch and pulled it out and threw it on my wall. Oh, that's going to be the deposit for sure.

I almost threw up. But she was like, if you don't mind, I don't mind. I was like, ugh. Wow. And, I don't mind. I was like, ugh. Wow. And then. Yeah, did you mind? I minded. First of all, it was on my wall and it was my room.

Oh yeah, oh if you don't. It looked like you're never gonna unsee that. Just like ours, you know what I mean? Like a wacky wall walker. And then they started having sex, and the way he had sex, it was almost like he latched onto her. Like his hand, like a, almost like a, I don't know,

like just an animal. I think my friends, the most you're gonna see. He grabbed her like she was a tree and just grabbed, and then, and he's got such a big piece. I just backed away and just sat down on the couch. That's almost what I'm saying. There's something, I feel like this. If I fuck with any friend, like buddies of mine in the room,

they're not gonna see the way I make love for sure, but definitely not the way that I fuck either. You're gonna get the most watered down, functional like sex situation because how can you do that? You don't want your friend, that's a weird like to just zone into sex in front of somebody somebody watching you're just like face you make or whatever yeah I don't want it like Mike's seeing me or or Bobby seeing me Mike my ass go like pumping into a chick doesn't bother me as much as if I got close and I was like, you like it? I don't want my friends to hear me say that genuinely.

Yeah. You like it? I was on the front. I was on the front and Sherrod's head kept coming near. And I remember having to like hold his head over because I didn't want it to touch my junk. And I was just sitting there at one point holding his head and I was like, I'm good.

I don't want to have to hold Sherrod's sweaty head. He's not even here right now. He's some other place. That's crazy. Even though by the way this happens in porn so much but I would also think it's weird doing this holding a woman's ass cheeks open so a guy could shove his dick in there seems pretty weird too. And then all of a sudden you get another hand there. You go, get in there, dog. Yo, I got the door. Yeah, I don't know. I don't, I don't.

Here, have at it. I don't know, I had to clean up when they left too. Oh. It was disgusting. I don't like blood. I hate blood. I don't like that. Blood, sweat, tears.

Everything was there. Literally. Some guys were into period stuff. They don't pose a problem. Who's into it? Dracul? Anybody in here? Vlad the Entailer? Into it or we'll put up with it.

No, there's definitely a difference between being into it or you're saying we'll deal with it. If it's like I'm going away for a week. Some people just don't give a shit. Sherrod did not give a shit. He tugged that thing out and threw it on the wall. Well, then could you find out what day we were in? Because I mean, day one, when there's just skinner dinners

coming at you. Skinner, give me back my bullets. Just pouring out of you. Let's put it this way. Yeah, when you pull off it, it's like Post-It notes of fucking uteral lining all over your dick. If it's a little blood streak, we could all live with that. But if it's like a fucking purple flap or something,

that's no good, dude. When there's clots inside you're like it my leather ottoman. I had to clean. Oh Because she was oh she was sitting on it with him at one point afterwards and I was just dump it I had to clean it up and then I was it was the one of the grossest Sexual experiences. I thought he's just a fuck-a-zamboni. Shit. Was she hot? She was smoking hot. Smoking hot.

A flight attendant, a flight attendant, seven is a nine. Yeah, she was hot. Tell me about a working chick. She was at the pool and she was flirting with me and then he came over and then he just took his piece out of the side of his shorts at the pool. Jesus. And it was so big. What was his 90 what? When was I married? Reverse math it was way before me and dawn it was at the beginning when we moved back to New York

Late 90s early 2000s earlier than that. Maybe maybe that yeah, maybe there. Maybe 90s, late 90s. Because when I came up here, Sherrod? Maybe early 2000s. I think Sherrod started comedy right around the same time as me. It was bad, though. It was like he didn't. He's just a fuck machine.

He's just, I'm a more of a, I told you that. I like to kiss. You're a love maker. I like to, I like slow. Yeah, I don't want to fuck a girl with Bobby and have him making love to her. I want love with easy touch. I'm putting a wet finger by her butt, oh Bobby's over there.

Belisimo. I'm not into that. I want love with slow, easy touch. I don't want to see it. And then I think at the end when they were done, she felt bad for me, and she was like, come here. She was over on the couch and she got on all fours, and I was like, I went over, and she's like, go ahead. And I was like, I go, I'm good.

Cause he, you know, he was like, it looked like it was turned inside out. It's like you want a bite of this burger that's fucking. Exactly. Oh my God. She just went over and put wings on Bobby. I got United wings. You got United wings.

I got continental wings on me. Well you gotta clean the red wings off your fucking sheets, dude. I yick. Yeah. I've never done that. I don't know. Again, I'm trying to get myself back in a head space.

I mean, there was definitely a time where if a girl said, my period and it was like a one-time hookup, I'd ask like, you know, oh, how far along? You know, how deep into it are you? Where I think now I would just take the word period in my life as like, ah, that's fine, nevermind. Nevermind, yeah. I did that.

I lived with this Maria Falzoni, who was a big stand-up comedian in Boston. What do you mean big? Like she was big in Boston. She was famous. What does that mean, like what's thin in Boston? No, not fat. Oh.

She was Boston big, we're just like five hundo. No, no, no, no. She was like popular in Boston. And this gay guy, Brian, he was really great. Tried to fuck me all the time. He would just show up in my room. Doesn't sound great. Well, I find it flattering.

Yeah, it's nice. Call a sex pest if you were a nerd. He was starting to be a weatherman, and that's when he told me, he goes, all weathermen are gay. And I was like, no way. And then I, if you look at weathermen, they're gay.

Most of them are gay. And I remember a lot of times, he would just be in my doorway, a silhouette, and he'd be like, can I come snuggle? I'd be like, no, Brian. He'd be like, it's just, he'd get mad. It's just snuggling. It's just snuggles. 30% chance of jizz rain in your face tonight.

I'm like, no, you can't snuggle with me. I'm sorry, dude. Can we just watch a movie and hold hands? Heartly horny. He had cable in his room. I had nothing. So I brought this chick over one night and we went into his room because he was away.

He was out for the night. Went into his room and then we started banging. And then I think something, I don't know what happened. She said she wasn't on her period, but then her pussy broke. Something happened where she started bleeding. And it wasn't, it's not my penis. You hit a valve with that big picky, dude

I don't know what I hit if there was blood all over his Gay bed. Oh, no, and let me tell you something dude. I've never cleaned up that fast I was like you gotta go he's coming home. Would you get out with I threw away his sheets? I put my sheets on his bed. Oh my god I just threw his sheets out and I just redid everything. And you just acted, did you flip the mattress? You know me, I throw up at everything. It didn't get on the mattress. He had two sheets on his bed, thank God.

And it was just blood all over the sheets. I took all the sheets, threw them out, and I was just waiting for the day where he was gonna be like, did you change my sheets? But thank God it didn't, but yeah, it was bad. I mean, by the way, you could just, I mean, yeah, you should've could just, I mean, yeah, you should have just left the blood and be like,

dude, that looks like gay sex. Yeah, that's a hate crime in there. He goes, that looks like gay sex, all right. I mean, I assume it was gonna bleed for a couple times. I fooled around. I didn't even think of that. I fooled around with this chick on the beach one time. My buddy had a house near the beach,

and then we went back and I fucked her in his roommate's room and I threw my shorts on his brand new Mac computer and I guess I had sand in my pockets and it fucking wrecked the computer. And I had to give him money for like a new keyboard and shit and there was sand all over his room and yeah, definitely not blood on a gay man's bed

but I fucked somebody's room up once too. Fucking on the beach was always... It always sounded great. Why we did it once. Yeah. It's terrible. The lifeguard chair was my reason to go. I was like, oh, let's go up on the lifeguard chair and like smoke weed or whatever.

And then we'd go up there and start fucking making out. Lifeguard chair, that's a good call. It was a cool spot. That's a good spot. Yeah. And then you got down on the sand and rolled around a little bit. I had to check out on a lifeguard chair once. Oh, nice. That actually is pretty good idea. Yeah, and then you got down on the sand and rolled around a little bit. I had to check out on a lifeguard chair once. Oh nice, that actually is a pretty good idea.

Yeah. You sit down below. Yeah, you just stand on the ladder and she's up top and... Where's that on Shark Tank? What's that? Where's that idea on Shark Tank? The old gobbling chair. Mike probably said it like that and he goes, oh that's actually, that's great for you pussy.

Yeah, play at a time machine. I would have went back. That's really good. I only fucked on the beach the one time and I I just need so much sand in there were pussy with my It was a low. It was a low boardwalk It wasn't like a boardwalk like walked under it and then like fucked in the sand it was like you had the crawl under She could you can grab a bunch and I mean, yeah I need just a pile right in there sniz and my condom hit the sand and chicken cutleted.

And then I sanded it out her insides for a better part of a minute. That poor girl, that was my prom weekend. Everything went haywire that weekend with that. I brought her out, that's the first night where the girl said she wanted to do, she loved tapioca pudding and she wanted to eat tapioca pudding off of me.

Ugh, weird. Well, grateful dead fan. Isn't... Um, she was. She had the bears tattoo, and what you gonna call it? Oh, her. She fuckin', yeah, she A-blinkin' had in my dick with a fuckin' snack pack.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ah! And all the tapioca's got in my dick hair. And then we went in the shower. That was a very small, stall shower. And she was on her knees in the shower, blowing me while the tapioca's were in style. And then when I was going to come,

I started pumping my hips. And I clunked the back of her head into the shower thing. Jesus Christ, dude. And then we went on the beach. What's her name? Helga? She was the tapio beach. She fucking was her name Helga Tapio, I love you tie your bonnet and leave after can I can you put ribbon candy in my asshole? Tapioca the pudding with the little jizzies in them. Yeah, that's those things get way in your dick hair It's why you have to like that was like boba tea before boba tea

Yes, and what happens is very quickly your dick heat heats up the pudding to turn into complete fluid And then you're left with a bunch of clear balls in your dick hair Oh, and then so we went in the shower to rinse those out and she was gonna blow me and then I clunked her head into The wall and then we went to bed in the next day I need the pussy in her and sanded her pussy for it was a rough weekend She was molested so it was far from the worst Abe Lincoln hat With the fucking tapioca that's fucking oh, dude. She what a she can't visual do you have to she's kept my dick Let me check she's done it before cuz she has a technique

Cosy something fruit on the bottom I used to use a spoon, but that was too much Wow Cozy? What's that brand? Is it Cozy something? Fruit on the bottom? Get in there and stir it? I used to use a spoon, but that was too much. Wow. Now I just... Eat it right off the dick. Right off the dick. Now I just crown the king.

I mean, finding tapioca's in your dick hair, you can really get those things out there and it's just little clear balls. Wow. I've always hated food and sex. It's not my thing at all. I couldn't a shit after nine and a half weeks. That was like a thing girls wanted to do Now it's gross it's fun to think of and then you're in there Stupid on a vagina tastes like vagina and chocolate sauce. Yeah

It's like yeah fucking chocolate covered rubber band. Chocolate, chocolate armpit. Mickey Rourke was all weird. He's always sexual weird. I know. A lot of people are saying that's what turned his face like that. One time a girl blew me with an ice cube in her mouth. She goes, get an ice cube. That was like the first time I ruined a threesome.

The first of many times? I ruined two. I had two. The first of many times? I ruined two. I ruined two. I'm so pissed. The first one though, two friends. I go, I'm going to bed. She goes, I'm coming with you. So she comes in, we're fucking around,

her friend starts banging on the door. And I thought it was my buddies breaking my balls. And I go, get the fuck out of here. And she opened the door. I want a taste. No top. She's like, I wanted to get in there. I'm like, come on, come on.

I threw the first one off, which pissed her off, because the other one was hotter. So you're not supposed to do that, Mike. I want to know top. She's like, I wanted to get in there. I'm like, come on, come on. I threw the first one off, which pissed her off because the other one was hotter. You're not supposed to do that. Yeah. I was. Holy shit. Get out of here. You're even even in sports. They'd be like, alright, we're going to. Yeah, it was a bad move. Hang on a second. It was a bad move. Let's give her. Let's give her a few more pitches and see if they can get through the inning. Yeah. They let Bledsoe get back in for a game before they fucking told

me to beat it. I go, why don't you go? They let Bledsoe get back in for a game before they fucking told me to beat it. I go, why don't you go get yourself some apple juice, maybe take a leak. And, well, I found your hottest friend. Hey, take a laugh. Take a laugh, kid. Go hit the showers. Do me a favor, go get the trash can out front real quick.

Get back up. That got her mad, so she was like, fuck this, I'm out. And then she made her friend leave. But she had an ice cube, and she was blowing me with an ice cube and that felt pretty incredible really yeah I think I would hate that I hate it. I don't like cold pools or anything so I think I'd be like whoo-hoo I'm happy. I'm happy with a regular blow job. Yeah, no totally. I want the warmness Yeah, and we're trying to recreate a vagina. It's like that's like fucking a dead girl. Yeah, it's like young kid

I call you cunt mouths I Fucked up a threesome too. I had this beautiful cute little pixie girl. We used to put her husband wasn't into it No, she was a yes. She's young. This is a joke. Was it the threesome was gonna be you her husband. I got it That's why cuz you're right wing I'm right Right wing Bobby. She came over, I always talked about a threesome with her. Joking, sexual fantasy stuff, and then she finally came over one night

and with the girl, this beautiful Italian girl, big nosed. As she's walking up my stairs, she's like, it's happening. Like kind of cocky, it's happening. And then we went up, we all started kissing, you know, I like to make out, and I'm making out with this, I don't even know this girl. And then the other girl was way hotter. And then I stuck my finger in her butt

and she was so into it. So I just rolled over and started making out with her and I pushed the other one off my futon and she smacked her head on the corner of the futon and I heard, ow, but I just was so into this other situation. You got other things in your hands. And then around five minutes later, I just turned around, she was standing over us with an ice pack on her head.

She went to the kitchen and got an ice pack because she really hurt her head. She goes, I'm leaving. And then she just left and the other girl was like, I guess I gotta leave too. And slowly just walked out as my finger came out of her butt. Oh. I was just so sad.

Reverse doorbell. Yeah. That's horrible. Reverse doorbell. As I'm thinking, any of my few real world like pole threesomes, like two girls, nothing Christine involved, were all morbidly obese. I mean, I'm thinking about now, that what,

morbidly obese. You have them categorized as charity work. I think I was just young and I was like, I can't believe this is happening with two girls. But I mean, yikes. I told you about the one where white girl and a black girl, and I was kissing one, and then I was kissing the other, and then I accidentally, I guess,

I grabbed, not grabbed, but I held her by the back of her neck, one of them. It was not like a, which one? The white girl. And she fucking flipped. She got up and was like, no, no, no. I hit like a like when you're Not supposed to that's where her father used to grab her. I think so

I think when you're not supposed like pet a dog from the left She lost her shit and she's like, that's it. No, no, no, I gotta get out and like I don't know What the fuck happened to her with her neck, but I was like, I'm sorry I didn't and I'm like well, you don't have to leave right and she's like fucking we're out So both both times I like pissed off one first the worst when you have to say sorry during sex Mike Fennoy is here he's on tour he's got dates coming up in Long Island Cleveland Ohio Chicago and more for tickets and all tour dates go to MikeFanoia.com and follow Mike on socials at MikeFanoia.

And Robert Kelly, he's gonna be at the Funny Bone in St. Louis June 14th and 15th. This is weekend. That's this weekend. After that he's gonna be in Timonium, Maryland at McGoobee's and then Portsmouth, New Hampshire. You can see him every Tuesday night 7 p.m. to Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, the Comedy Seller. Not tonight, because we're going to see Gary Clark Jr. For tickets and all tour dates, visit PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. Big Jay's gonna have been in a fully loaded tour festival,

touring all over the country throughout June. And then the Funny Bone in Richmond, Virginia, July 12th and the 13th, Borgata, Atlantic City, July 27th for tickets and all other tour dates BigJayComedy.com