The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Step-Dad Big Dick Energy (w/ Ramon Rivas II)

Episode Date: August 17, 2018

Listen in as the guys chat with Ramon Rivas II about chicks that deadlift, cookie-dough entrepreneurship and their step-dad’s big dicks (again).

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app.

Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM. We're hanging out Ramon, are you guys everybody? sure to follow us on all social media not to bonfire sxm We're hanging out Ramon are you is everybody we're talking about powerlifting women dudes regular dudes that are new chicks that power lift Oh like that to lift that lift the dude up no just that women that are super into that fire plug look Yeah George no higher Oh so like just buff buff babes no not buff we don't want bodybuilders we want to win it Georgina why I was saying do you mean someone like China no no we don't mean China was body but well China actually had a little bit of yeah she's a powerlifter Christine's no no she's a bodybuilder look at the pose she's even do you're right she's locking it out that's the Atlas pose

now she might she might do powerlifting but that look about that is about doing you could restart taking pictures like that is putters are elbows out like that oh hell yeah yeah just smiles yeah fucking crazy smile full body flex and you gotta fold in cuz you gotta let the fucking the back muscles go see go hey there you go Christine look holly mangold that's that's a nick mangold sister oh yeah that's. Yeah, the center for the New York Chats Highest eight buck guy. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this chick. Yeah, this is it look at that pile of necks Look at her city barbecues right she could crush you like a fucking empty Pepsi can

Oh, dude you Think you're coming off the corner and getting her fucking snack.'s Step back and put a fucking paw on your chest. You're gonna put your palm on the back of that head. Good luck. Yeah Wow, yeah, that's what I'm talking about The bonfire SXM will put it up. She failed powerlifting fails are real hard to watch man Cuz you could like snap a neck. I mean you could do it back everything again I'm more interested in the regular dudes that just date those kind of women Like I break it to you Dan not one person's called this and that's Is it all that's what I'm saying America agrees with you. It's all just in my head. No, I'm saying I don't think it is

I think you'd have to be a powerlifting guy to date a woman Oh, so you think it's a fetish the same way like people who will date like small people look It's all the eye that the holder shit to is there's a lot of like couples. You're like, what? That's crazy. But I'm, you know, when you see the way the right, that's a whole, there's nothing. Whatever he's about those kind of things. However, I think a guy in powerlifting, I think a guy in powerlifting, Dan, he's not

doing that to get a girl who looks like, no, he's gonna bear to. He's hoping that what he can do by being that big. Look, powerlifter. They're watching. They're watching. That's being that big look powerlifter by the human That's a good example powerlifter is the guy from I don't watch Game of Thrones But I know from those strong man things the Mountain the mountain yeah that guy yeah Like his wife is like fucking smoking hot tiny. That's got to be chicks that are super into that hot chick

Hot chicks that are like I'm gonna go get a fucking and you don't realize There's just rural ass dudes who live in the woods so that I'm so So this hot girls like you are fucking so hot and you kind of the trees like you want to come get the splinters That's like yeah, hey goes y'all you want to go drink some mad dog and fucking lay on each other You're a piece of shit. You're for fucking a dead bear Yeah, there's skin rug. That's fancy goes. ever fucking a dead bear? Yeah, it's a bear skin rug. That's fancy goes, how about a live one? I made it. I made the rug yet.

I guess I got some venison in the freezer if you're hungry. Paul, what's up buddy? Welcome to the bonfire, Paul. Crackle, crackle, crackle. Crackle, crackle. Is this you here, you hooked up with the power lift? Was it one of like that? Like a real thick body checker?

Was she more like thick? So strong. She was like five, six a real thick body checker? Was she more like thick, strong? She was like five, six, real short girl. Got into, she had a baby. After she had a baby, she just came back strong, started powerlifting all the time. Stronger, better. Faster.

We bartended together for like five years prior to this. So when she came back, it was, you know, just one night, she had been training whatever and, you know, we had a little bit too much to drink at work that night. And so the arm wrestling me, you win, we fuck. I win. She wanted to, yeah, she's trying to leg up on the first seat of her car. Dude, that's great. Yeah, it was great. Because you want to come back to my place and watch me try to squeeze coconuts in half. great. Yeah, it was great. Because you want to come back to my place and watch me try to squeeze coconuts in half.

Yeah, she goes over a rippa phone book. And then turn those pants off. She does like that power team. She has a bet. She sleeps on a bed of nails. Yeah, she has my belief in my clit has makes me sleep on this bed of nails. I can rip this phone book. I have to go outside right now and lift one side of an accessory fan.

She has 13 times. She has three things are about to happen. I'm about to reach over and squeeze your dick into my pussy. I'm going to come and then I'm going to get up and lift this car up like a baby's trap. Hey, call that the superwoman. Hey, that's a really nice dick you have there. Because what would you say this dresser weighs, but I'm full of five hundred. Yeah. Yeah. Because that wouldn't shit. Because yeah, yeah, no, my favorite sexual position is called the spotter.

I'm going to get under this giant ass. Oh, fucking. And I'm going to push it up and then drop your dick into my mouth. As I do it. Yeah, that's a lot man That's an intense. You got an old like foot locker from the army. I could throw a couple of sender blocks in I'm gonna press these while you fucking munch my elongated clip I'm gonna do three I'm gonna do three sets of 10 you just start laughing

Oh, I feel me pushing. I don't feel you looking. Stay. Stay clear the hole. Stay clear the hole. Work on. Yeah. I'm more of a threat contact for me. Yeah.

No, I know it was different. 42. Fuck. You're bad at this. Everyone was sucking crispy creams dick when it came out in Denver. Fuck, you're bad at this. Oh. Everyone was sucking Krispy Kreme's dick when it came out in Denver. Like people were like buying dozen donuts and selling them from a markup

because the line was so long. I swear to God, man, look that up. When Krispy Kreme's open in Denver, I was in high school and people were like, yeah, I'm gonna go over there, get like fucking two dozen donuts and go back to the back of the line and try to sell it for money

And you're like, I mean good for you. It's good hustle. It seems like a really weird thing to do, but yeah, it's stupid in my book Good hustle for sure good hustle, but dumb I mean, you know if you're in a waste of time doing that cool, I'm a winchels guy I'll be over at winchels with no line No one gives a shit about a word that hasn't been updated No one gives a shit story that hasn't been updated Namus sucker for a good Dunkin Donut look at that nearly this from the Denver Post nearly 200 people line up for 5 a.m When Wednesday opening of crispy cream in downtown Denver? When was that from there's been things they open a dairy queen long Island there was like a three hour line It's for dairy queen for a fucking blizzard go break cookies up into some ice cream at home

You fucking dildo wait hold on what did you What did you just say about Dairy Cream, bro? I was gonna read that article about it. I'm saying, if I want to blizzard, I'd like to go get a blizzard also. But if it's a three hour line, I'll go smash Oreos into some vanilla ice cream. I'll figure it out. You see that a lot in the city, though,

where there's these new restaurants open, like the cookie dough place in the West Village. I was walking to the cellar one night from your house. And I walked by and I'm like, what the fuck is this line, man? Can you try it? It was like a four hour line, because it's that cookie dough place. Yeah, they just give you cookie dough It's just cookie dough

But you like put toppings on it. It's pretty dumb. Yeah, it's I mean, I'd have it immediately. Oh, yes I want to eat that if you wait you want to wait 15 minutes. I wouldn't do it I go I don't I got shit. I'll grab it on the time for hours. I won't do anything for four hours I won't even do any I'll do anything for love I won't do that I'll do anything for cookie dough. This is the place but I won't do that. Yeah, it's just cookie That's got to be 75,000 calories also a pint of just cookie dough. No, dude. You must be okay Is that what only when it is you got to be getting saltmanilla at some point also the one that's here all down

It goes every one of these back is hand beaten by an old lady. Yeah, don't worry. It's got a lot of knuckle dust Go down to the lady. I think I found an old topaz ring. Yeah, go down to the lady that owns it It's always like a super in fit attractive blonde lady right there. Hey, don't eat it. I love cookie dough. Hi, I'm Christian. I love cookie dough It's like I want a fat bitch named Martha Who's I don't know I was fucking steaming it in with this is all shoulder greases? Yeah, it's always butter on her hand. Yeah, she smells like powder. Yeah flower. Yeah, oh Bracelets this girl's like I fucking had a bunch of money and a lot of time. What do fat consumers like?

Yeah. You fat fucks eat like cookie dough. What? Oh, it's not enough to have cookie doughs. You want sprinkles and brownie in it? How about this? Cookie dough, cookie dough. Double down, you fucking fat tardas.

Oh my god, is your fat little puds sticking out? Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I haven't some fucking tarts. Oh, you're fucking fat next starting to sweat. Well, guess who Guess who's coming into me. Kristi. Hi, I'm Kristi I eat leaves like a brontosaurus But I'll feed you fat fucks all the eggs and sugar and processed shit that I shouldn't I wouldn't put my near my kids A bowl of cookie dough cannot be okay Well, they read we're gonna they like change the recipe to make it where you can eat it raw and there's no rags and all that. I got that. I'm not talking about the health

problems of Salmanel and all that. I'm actually talking about how could that not be tens of thousands of calories? No, no, no, no, I don't know. I don't know if it's good for you, but something that was crazy decadent that would destroy you could be 3000 calories would be unreal This thing has to be way more than Just just destroy you I like putting it like that just this thing that's like fucking Go in you and punch its way the fuck out the whole way At a comic bomb you'd get like third world sick eating something this first world What do you stop like Jimmy's on your fucking cookie down? Oh god? I don't know. Let's take the most

Extravagant first world thing we can think of cookie dough. Just shove it down these fat fucks. Yeah, I could probably ram some fucking brownie chunks into that You fucking tub of shit and she goes you want me to kick a brownie up your dick hole? What's next? I love all of my client. I love it and really it's I'm reading the bio And I don't want to fucking throw this lady under the bus, but this is the most white lady. Like, I moved here to New York City following design school. My passion was for baking. Was this president ever?

During my tiny Manhattan kitchen, which you lived in for six months. She said I'd learn the ins and outs of cooking on my tiny bake oven. During a girl's weekend in Philadelphia, we stopped by a cookie shop and they called us homos. So by K-Shugas we were taken in the back with promises of acting work. Yeah, my inner child craved the undaked dough. That's so funny. She asked the fuck it. She's in Philly. She asked the lady for the uncooked cookie dough. She goes, yeah, it can't do that for you. You're gonna get sick as hell. We bought a tub of frozen cookie dough intended for baking and we passed around the tub loving every bite and laughing about the lack of

cookie dough designed solely for eating in its pure form from there. Doe is born. Oh my god. I hate this chick. I had a she has a gluten intolerance. She's so intolerant. I'm tolerant towards all gluten. My, I'm reading this whole thing. It really is just annoying. It's a real suck off. As far as bios go, it's a real blow yourself bio. You don't hurt your back trying to get your own clit

in your mouth, lady. Yeah. Oh, cool. I didn't know you could do a snake eating its own tail and pressure and just suck your own butt the way you're doing it. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then I decided I way you're doing. Blah blah blah blah. Then I decided I was better than everyone.

Blah blah blah blah. Now all the fatso's lined up to eat my treats. I happen to be born with a tongue that has no bottom so it's able to reach out and get my own bun. I'm like Jean Simmons but if you like to suck his own bun. Yeah. You guys would hear about my history. Time to go tongue the bun.

I guess because someone pushed on the back of my neck. Yeah. I mean, it really is fun. Yeah, you guys would hear about my history, time to go tongue the bun. A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a uncooked whatever you want you fucking slop She goes and by the way we make sure that no one that everyone at shops here doesn't have health insurance I mean this does look delicious though That's brownie and cookie dough mixed Brickie dough chocolate chip and brownie batter swirled together. Where's it at? It's right by our house Dude I told you I walked by it on the walkover from your house to the seller I was like what's this line for them? They're like it's for this cookie dough place. Yeah, if you walked down third share thing it's on like war

But what is on the party I write by bear burger What are the sizes fat dead and fucking should have never been born? Are we gonna go get this cookie dough or now probably now? Black lose where I'm bored. Yeah, black lose on bone Christine would go there right now Yeah, there's a place that Mike Harrington told me about I'm looking up their Sunday. It's on the lower east side as well, and it's pretty ridiculous. We should just do a dessert day It's gonna hurt we should have these places bring out fuck that. I don't like that black top Sunday Why don't we have them bring them up here and we could try them on see you as the best dessert in the city We have them bring them up here and we could try them on to see you as the best dessert in the city.

Who could make that happen? Yeah, I don't know. Executive producer, Christine Evans. Or Jacob Shark Hunter when you come back. Or Jacob the Shark Hunter. Yeah, and we're gonna be very naughty. And Jacob knows all about dessert, so he can cream it in his jeans,

it's gonna be so sticky naughty for you, Jacob. Sticky and naughty and naughty and sticky. Noddy little tight body. Did I can't believe a girl, as many women have probably been angry at me, and there's a handful of women who, who in the world are probably angry at me. We do not like you as a person?

Yeah, I got a couple, we all got some. For sure, I'm telling you, none of them at least outwardly to me, or anybody I know, said anything about me having a small dick and that makes me feel better about my dick. So that in turn you went? I always thought someone was gonna come back

and hammer me with that one because that would cut to the core. Yeah, only person's ever mentioned it? Christine. Oh, Drunk Christine. You are, Drunk Christine is like the werewolf rival of Big J. She's like, I know how to get right to him. I'm gonna bring it up in front of everybody.

I'm like, God, this, no, she didn't do it in I'm gonna bring it up in front of everybody. I'm like, God, this. No, she didn't do it in front of everybody. It was in front of everybody. I get like it was either to be funny or tear me down. It was just to me. Oh, Christine, drunk Christine. Was it blackout? No, not even.

It was going through a lot of shit. Christine had a lot of anger. You just flashed out at him. Dude, here's the thing. If you're a man and you say one of those things, the thing that you're like, I can't say this and come back from it. But women really do have that like,

I'm gonna say the meanest thing I could possibly think. That's fine. I'd say wretched, horrible things, Christine. I mean, she's, listen. I guess we're close. I'll be back in another 30 seconds. I mean, the price will never be paid, but she's paying the price.

Jay doesn't have a small dick. Yeah, I know. And I've said the size of it and he's got a normal size dick. He's got a great dick. I've just never had met a man that was like so obsessed with the idea that he had a small dick before when he didn't. But I get it. And I've like fucked guys with small dicks and it's like, I don't know.

No, it's like it can be a problem. Well Jay, Jay, I know that problem. Jay always acts like I have a fucking nine and a half inch dick and I was walking around and going, oh, it's a big. I have like, I think it sucked some of your brain fluid out. Boat, oh, oh, I've got a bone, I can't do things at once.

And then you know how to have a fucking piece. Yeah, like, hot dude, it's like your brain bled away. Oh, you got hot dude, you pulled out the picture of Lucy Pender. Pulled out the picture of Lucy Pender. Pull down the picture of Lucy Pinder. I'm like, I can, we get fucking, I can be in a coma. No. Or we could just, you know.

Dude, hang out. Listen, this can play one of three ways. I go half hard, we have a good time. I go full hard, you just basically have to wet nurse me. Well, I stay soft and we have a deep conversation. So what do you want to do? But I'm saying when Jay has leaked out the actual numbers You're like that's not fucking small. I have a friend with a three inch dick and I've seen it and you're like dude

I am sorry and guess what he never brings up his three inch dick Never never It's like it's like it's like when people don't I think I know what it is. No, you know, it's a dude It's a dude I knew in Tucson. It's not even a guy. But it was... It's not even a guy. It's not even a guy.

I don't even look at it as a man. But Jay and I were talking about it because he said that Bobby and Jay were talking. It's like, did we're all creeps? Even guys like, so are fucking creeps. You just have to be around. It's like, yeah, I'm never in the closet about the fact that I do fucking creepy.

I don't do creepy shit, but I'm a little bit of a dirt bag. It wasn't an insult It was just like you're good at like keeping your shit under the right. I'm saying when you have real dirt When you do like real shit then it's like denied denied denied It's like tiny dick dudes are like denied denied denied. I was like fuck you what obviously would you deny it when you Presented it's gonna be a thing, but that's what I'm saying I mean I can imagine the look on the face of someone going like this dicks too small to fuck, but I understand where you're coming from because I grew up an only child with a mom And I didn't have a dad around she loved both our moms love big day fat. I mean our moms are size

Queens dude if they could do a drawing of two moms with 80s haircuts with crowns on that says size queens Trish and tear you know know the TNT, TNT size queens? Dude, if they're gonna get like a bucket of tea. TNT size queens, that, dude! Yeah! Dude! Yeah! I want to do now. Let's have a t-shirt that is right on the chest.

You know what I mean? So there's a logo on the chest. There's a logo on the chest that says TNT. And the like T, apostrophe N, apostrophe T, the size queens, and then on the back the full logo. Like a tro-truck driving shirt.

Right. With a pocket. I'm gonna make that. make that so TNT and I love big dick You know a big dick because it's true man like we were around our mom's dating dudes where we saw outside dick It's like Gary I told you my dad slept naked in a bed with me and I was always like the flop is But I was like he didn't have a giant dick, but he had like a nice penis and I was like that's a good dick I hope I get that good dick and That's sure shit, but I saw like a nice penis. And I was like, that's a good dick. I hope I get that good dick. And, uh, that's true shit. But I saw Nick.

My stepdad, it's like, yausers. So, yeah, for a while, I grew up being like, I have a small dick. Yeah, it was like, weirdly known that my stepfather, my stepfather had a big huge dick. Trish, one time we were going to Joe's swim me, I'll never fucking forget this and somehow dick size got brought up. And she was like, your father had a, you know,

like your father had a great penis and she's like, Nick, she comes like, she's trying to get you to go. What the fuck was this? I was like, fucking, my mom and I have always had like, when we talked to each other like roommates, so I say that on stage. Sure, yeah, but I'm my mom too to something.

Yeah, and I was, and I think I was being funny and I was like, oh, come on, tell me that is, because again, I was like 11 or 12, so no one had seen my dick and I'm like, that's why I was being funny and I was like, oh, come on, tell me that. Because again, I was like 11 or 12, so no one had seen my dick and I'm like, that's why I was explaining Jay's psychology behind it because I understand it because I was like, I have a tiny dick, I have a tiny dick. And I kind of knew I didn't have a small dick

but I didn't feel like I had a big dick. So I was like, Jogger on my mom, I'm like, please tell me dad didn't have a small penis. She's like, your dad had a great dick. She's like, but I'm not gonna forget, she's holding the steering wheel, she goes, but Nick, and I got what? And goes oh yeah that was and she goes he wasn't the best in bed but wow and you're like which I've also heard that a lot for people what big dick guys just

not throwing it right yeah it's like tall guys that play basketball sure they're in the game and they have a better shot at being good at it but a lot of them don't have the drive yeah you got to be a mid-size guy really fucking bang Fuck a dunk on you all the time you know what is I'm telling you it's an even weight loss I guess weight loss has it helped it it does help no through time, but I'm saying The soft my soft dick is the worst and Christine one all right by the way can I tell you this my she won't argue me on that I have button dick when I do mushrooms my dick is almost nonexistent it goes in towards just head and then a bunch of fucking of the of the fuck you just like sits on it where

my ex when we were in bottom only did mushrooms we are in the van right back and she's like do you think we can fuck tonight I was like no, oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe in the morning, maybe in the morning. But right now, I am fucking pin dick in it. There was nothing. But what I was saying is that it took me and to us in high school and I messed around with the girl and she's like, oh my God, you have a great dick. And I was like, yeah, are you lying?

Are you lying? Cause I'm fucking being nice to you. So I understand where you're coming from. We're like, I got a small dick or whatever. Cause you see a guy like Kurt or where's your dick right now? Where's my dick? It's like right now. No, dick's right here.

What's it doing? It's all small. It's small and switching. It's just, it's off the side. It's all the left a little bit, just a, like a fade. Golfers would call it a fade shot. Yeah, yeah. It's matched into your balls.

Yeah, my balls are all like it's all fucking there. Cause I got boxer briefs on. So it's all, it's all a your balls. Yeah, my balls are all like it's all fucking better because I got boxer briefs on so it's all it's all a casserole right now I'll tell you when I'm good. I'll tell you when I'm really rocking some sweet soft dick as I put that fucking you see me put some smokey High school basketball shorts on of course that man if I have a growth it around do if I have no underwear Oh no underwear, but if I have a girl coming over and like we've already hooked up, put that on and get a little fucking... Nothing looks funnier than getting a rager and basketball from your underwear on.

Just like one of your ladies is shorter. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, it's Big J. Ogrison, and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM 95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at

SexM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.