The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Sweet Little Lies

Episode Date: March 11, 2022

The gang reveals childhood lies they told!Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM @DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayOakerson.com

Hey, I'm Big J. Okreson, and I'm Dan Soder and welcome to the Bond Fire Podcast. Yeah, it's a podcast and it's also a radio show. You can hear our full show every day on Series XM. Go to series6m.com slash Bond Fire for a special offer. And now, the Bond Fire with Big J. Okreson and Dan Soder. It seems to me! Which one's dead? Neil Purt. It seems to me! Kakachi! Kakachi! Kakachi! Which one's dead?

Neilpert. Neilpert. Kakachi. Good drummers. Yeah, not Getty Lee or the other guy. I'm the third guy. That's a good guy to say you're related to for a bar lie. Oh yeah.

Good bar lie. Yeah. Or the drummer from ZZ Top. And before he passed away, the third guy of ZZ top and before he passed away The third guy of ZZ top Dusty Yeah, Dusty yeah, no, I say the drummer from ZZ top. Yeah, it's the one now if you say you know the beard guys It's too easy to track really given this is you know Yeah, but if you say I know Frank beard and you know

It's always a fun friend's here. That's it. Is it funny to like he doesn't he's the one that doesn't have a beard Come on. We always joke about that when we get together with the band. By the way, I think Frank Beard did have a beard. He just didn't have a zz top beard. Yeah, he had a hat. He said a stash. For sure, you're not walking around the 80s without stash. Lewis, you still have this great premise of a joke that you never did, just about how before the internet, you could just lie about stuff and just completely get away with it.

Oh, yeah. And I mean, really, 80s must have been peak lying. have before the internet, you could just lie about stuff and just completely get away with it. Oh yeah. And I mean, really, 80s must have been peak lying. Did you have what's your biggest lie? I told you when I was in elementary school, I told the kids in my school that under siege was based on my dad. Oh, you did that's life. That's a good one.

Because he was a cook in the Navy. Yeah, but I think we went through this before. Based on truth, he was a cook in the Navy. Yeah. He was just an alcoholic that sat up top and drank all the beers while they launched missiles at the Vietnamese. He never thwarted a international plan of, uh, nor did a, uh, nor did a heavy chested woman jump out of a cake.

During a Erica linear. Yeah. Antime. Yeah. Antime Lee Jones didn't eat ham off a knife. Uh, Erica Lee, she was in that movie, the problem is she was so hot, leading up to that movie and everything. She did that movie and showed her titties,

but the gave her like a haircut that your mom would have. Yeah, dude, soccer mom cut. It's a horrible haircut. You know what it was? It was around, everyone was doing that. It was that time in the 90s where all like, Demi Moore, Slaived to a bad haircut.

I gotta tell you, I didn't even realize Bridget Fonda was hot until she had long hair in Jackie Brown. Mm-hmm. And single white female, they made that the thing. I'm like, I get it like she's like sexy, but that's stupid hair Remember Demi Moore's dumb ghost hair? Yeah, you're coming back for that mop. That was a big look. That was the look though the long bangs in the front short in the back On his page boy on a girl. Yeah, oh yeah Hey, you want to fuck the yeah, yeah, yeah, is front lady constantly. Oh I'll take some care now

She is freaking it freaky deaky. That's a freaky looking lady freaking the sack. Whatac, what lies did you, did you have lies when you were younger that you got away with? Well, yeah, mine was, but mine, I think we said this before, or maybe one of us topic before, Jacob, you remember, do we do this, Lou? About like lies, we told we were younger, maybe not, because I don't care, remember yours, but I definitely, I go to my back. I go to my dad's in the summertime, which is, that's that is a lie. That's the elderado of lying You can just make up anything on picture day for whatever reason It wasn't weird to just ask schoolmates for one of their pictures. That was the thing Does he make any sense when you get him back from life touch or wherever you get him?

And then you'd be like you on you know, yeah, give me a picture Yeah, I don't know why and then then I'd put him in my wallet. Yeah, here's my friends. I would go to... Here's portraits of my friends. That's what I did for a friend and an aunt. I would go, I would do is... Portraits of my friends.

I would go to a kids house who I didn't like their parents. And then I would cut the eyes out of all the photos I've collected and put them in their dad's wallet. You know, and then just really... So it was a serial killer? Yeah, then I'd just break up that family and then I disappear he goes the eyes are the dumb way to the soul I was big in the Maccavelli when I was a child The idea nice good

That's and with those pictures each summer I would just decide which one I was gonna tell the people there Yeah, in a lot of my girlfriend. Yeah. Nice dude. You just you just have a draft. We'd be like, who am I going with? Jenny Graybird or Kara Woods? I'm ever laying Kim Kropinski out there a lot. How man? But I that was the closest to we held hands at one time. I I fake girlfriend it in seventh grade. Yeah. I got called out and I was like, I have girlfriend. She goes to middle school my cousin She didn't and it was click it was quickly revealed that she didn't When you're on the back of the bus when you're on one bus ride and you go from having your girlfriend to Soders lying about having a girlfriend by the time you're off it like Well this day. Yeah, this day's a wash

We remember I told people that I Didn't tell them that I didn't fuck that girl Carly and I'm gonna make it. Oh my god. You need to go to her house Her house I can't I block it out. How do you live with it? Hi block it out there? I've heard you've started them for life Right god dude. No wonder you have zero fear on it's like I can only come when I see burning flesh No, but I'm saying when when when people watch comics Sometimes I'll be like how do you get so comfortable on stage?

You know, oh cuz this is heaven compared to what you had to go through in the middle school as a child It's probably I was able to get to the black circuit because you're just like judge me go ahead I've already been defeated by you. It's like yellow shit. Hell I go. I'm fine. I get it. Yeah, dude Defeated by it. I think you judge me. It's like, yell shit out. It goes, I'm fine, I get it. Yeah, dude, that's fucking crazy. Did you ever lie about stuff, Christine?

Oh, for sure she did. Everyone. I was a little liar. Yeah, I was just a liar. No, we're not talking about the little, the dip-pinkies. Let me tell you. We're talking about like a grand,

not grandiose, because- Just to make everyone feel everyone as a kid lies about shit. And if you didn't, congratulations. I think you're like one in a million well If you if you say you didn't you're currently a lawyer your piece or when like people try to act like they were like I was confident I was confident my whole life. It's like you're a rarity You should know that if you are and you know I know I

All time in the middle school Mills go the kid that was just like dude this kid just walks like he's got it. Yeah I asked Alan in therapy. I was like, I slouch my entire life. I was like, are there people that just are like adjusted and can just take in love and give love and have empty machine and like are confident? They're not constantly, constantly anxious. And he was like, yeah, there's people like that.

I'm like, really? Fucking weirdo, dude. Weirdo. I really, I really don't want to walk around just like, you forget that way. The weirdo is because we just surround ourselves with only other weirdo dude weirdos. I really I'll walk around just like you forget that were the weirdos because we just surround ourselves with only other weird I remember them happen I remember when they happen They're so rare, but one time Had the right amount of drinks at Wayne's house. Yeah, we were on the roof. Yeah, it was beautiful weather Christine was home

She did do something maybe we're like getting scanked, fests stuff together or something, and I went over to Wayne's, had a few drinks, smoked some weed, and walked home, and like whatever was on my headphones, and the weather was perfect, the stock borderline dancing home. It just clicked. That's the only thing, but it's the envy that I have.

The best scene in fucking Saturday Night Fever is him walking down the street to pick up paint for a shitty hardware job. He just looked so happy. He was like, you know why? Did you watch the movie? He's crushing pussy constantly. Guys got the moves.

The best dancer in the fucking world. He doesn't want for any. Not only in Brooklyn, all five burrows. Guys killin' it. But I remember it like seeing kids. I so, I've been saying that kind of, I'd never walked down the street with my head held high one time in my life.

My friend Brian had a six pack when we were like kids. And a lot of kids have six packs, but he just stayed having a six pack and then he was the friend that I was there when he tried to do a back flip and he did it. And I was like, Jesus Christ, he could wear umbrows and they look good, I would wear umbrose and I look sick. Like my legs are all sweaty. When Jacob said I'll try and keep up and did it, it took me three months to get back to where I was like,

comfortable around him again. Yeah, I'm like, I don't like that. You nailed that so good. But I think there's people out there who have just strung out all together. And they're like, yeah, I'm bummed good. Whatever. Hot people in the game club.

Yeah, I think you're right, dude. I think that might be the litmus test. If you could do a fucking back flip, if you could do a back flip, you're fine. Davies, you didn't have video. I wish I would have found it. Because you had the concentration in life, Lauren had to do a back flip. Can you go to sports centers, go to ESPN Sports Center's Instagram? There's a clip of a college football team like Dancing Around. And this kid does a backflip and lands it and the coach has like got sunglasses on acting and he tries to do a backflip and

I just want you to see this video. Sports center, Instagram page. Yeah, go to ESPN. Specifically, I think sports center's Instagram page. But that confidence thing of like, I'm not talking about a gymnast. I'm not talking about someone who's not in how to do a backflip. Yes. If you're a regular person in the world

who happens to be a skill you have, as you can do nail a backflip, yeah. I think that says something about your entire whole world. Yeah, I think also when you stick it, how do you not feel like you can, like I feel like I can fly? Yeah, you've just, you've done the impossible.

There's a NASCAR driver, Carl Edwards. Every time he won a race, he would backflip off the top of the car. That's insane for the fans. In front of everyone. So cool. There it is right there in the middle right here. Yeah, watch this. So this is a son or something. No, this is a coach was feeling himself during the pregame. Guy nails a back foot, right? Unmute it. Sorry. So he does it, right?

Coach is like coming in. Yeah, coach. Put sunglasses on. Put sunglasses. Here comes the flip, pulls the pants up. Gotta get those hips. Out. No, he's unconscious's unconscious unconscious. That's weird. He wouldn't be unconscious from that That's so funny. That's got a jarbell brain coach

Probably triggered old CT and he's like oh man, I can't bump my head. I know you yelled these guys are all laughing at you I mean dude you're gonna tell me to take a lap. How are you gonna tell him to go out? Hey coach? Why don't you do a backflip with your four foot torso, one foot leg? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, damn, he's doing it. Did you get those jeans from Babygap? I mean, it's crazy. How low is waste is to the floor? Yeah. And then the funniest thing is putting sunglasses on like you guys ready. You guys really want nothing's fun here to make this look like a coach time. He didn't even look like he hit his head. He didn't, he hit his head, I'll tell you what.

Do you think it's embarrassment? I think he's faking the pass out. I think it's better to act like you passed out, then it just sit there and go, oh, you're instant. No, I would think you're, I don't want to pop it out. In the long scheme, unpop right in the long. In the long game, you're right,

it's better to hop back up. Your instantaneous reaction though, might be to fucking just really snail up and just curl up, you know, I mean actually you're out Oh, I want to pop up and then we give it a go. Did I go close? Roger's to mark us and get over here. Yeah, stop running to say such a name. You get up. Well some take a lap Someone can be some goddamn ice. Oh my god some goddamn ice Just stabling yourself grabbing something Alright guys we got central this week Lou did you ever running lie? You and your brother probably made a good one

What kind of fucking griffs did you guys come up with? Every single thing I've ever said How could I have stole this How could I have stole this porno magazine When I'm over here We used to drive old shopkeepers crazy How could I have stole this porno magazine when I'm over here? Oh! We used to drive old shopkeepers crazy. He goes, am I haunting you?

Because, or is that me over there? What's the possible I couldn't be stealing those porno magazines? I'm a little boy that died in the train. Here's a go. You get out of here. You get out of here. You're a ghost. You're not real I thought you was a good idea to buy matching shirts and heads We could steal all the clock balls we can Well, I couldn't be putting that hundred grand in my pocket if I'm over there what what you more call it

What you more call this if I'm over here who's over there? Call it what you will call this if I'm over here who's over there Da-ba-ra There was a sheet and this appears over there Did I did that to my dude twins? I mean that's the that whole Christian bail fucking magic movie was based on the other twin No one thinks it's twins ever no one jumps to that. I spooked my mom unless you're freaky twins I spooked my mom's dog out when I was home on because I stayed over there Sunday,

but I came back super late, like two in the morning and then went to bed. And I woke up at 10 a.m. And my mom's got kind of a new dog. He's a little bit of a spaz. He's a big boy. And I just walked out of the guest bedroom in the apartment and I was like,

Hey, the dog was like, Fuck are you doing it here? What was it? Who the fuck is this guy? Yeah, that is just, it was such like he just was like, hey, the dog was like, fuck are you doing here? Who the fuck is this guy? It was such like he just was like watching him freak out. You're like, do you even know us here? This is I could have scared you. Just ran out like, Oh,

Lou, I mean to everything you said was a lie. What was up, but do you remember like specific ones? Um, I used to give a lot of the old have you seen this? I don't know why that was the one. Have you seen his movie? Have you heard this song? I go, uh-huh. Yeah, all the time. I was just doing that to you outside. Oh I didn't even know the band's name. EMI. AFI. I never heard them in my life. Really? And you're just like

You know what got me six grade Biggie came out Big poppages, I think it was just big poppages broke or whatever so it's after juicy, but They're playing it and I was like oh, I love notorious b.i.g. in Michaela This girl went to middle school with was like time is it a is it a person in a group like that and I went it's Group She went now. It's not he's a person and i was like oh fuck

i was a fat person i remember exactly where i was paying group rate for shit fuck fuck fuck fuck this damn i don't think i knew who to say his b i g was when he died what? jethro calls a woman to get people with that too. Cause they, it sounds like a person.

And Leonard Skinner. Yeah, Leonard Skinner sounds like they're good ones. Yeah, they can't do it. I just never forgot. Oh man. That's fucking, that's a rough one. In front of people. By the way, this wasn't like a run out of it.

Like this wasn't, and you know, it's a black girl asking a little white kid if he knows the tourist B.I.G. And I was like trying to be cool. Did you try to like back at all Yeah, I'm I think I'm a junior mafia you may like just him. Oh, okay. I thought you knew the whole Oh, no, no, I thought we were going like bad boy records, you know Now Andre Herrel now I started out now. I know you love big you but the guy look out for it's got named Jay Z out of the

Marcy projects he's gonna be doing that's what I said Just give my six-grid brain that information instead of me just what it was in real life is me going I don't I don't know my mom listens to to Bonnie right so what was something years ago uh we drove a shitty van and I told people that it wasn't our van that dropped us off like that was just not our car what would you say it was the same vagabond hits me up every day it's my security deal

my detail made them park blocks away and what we walked oh that probably made them feel like such shit yeah they did feel like shit damn dude that's what you guys be aggressive about it too would you be like don't you know because kids can be aggressive and not realize it Would you like don't come by this van has no seats? What you got sit on the floor like you're kidnapped yes I can understand it's getting too real. I don't want to play this game anymore. Yeah, wait you to Jacob Yeah, my dad we used to have to work the flea market every weekend Oh, it's already you know, it was like Yeah, I'm so you guys would scour the way.

I think it up to three in the morning. Yeah, I mean, you did it way more. Jacob, look at all. You see this junk. It's gold. We're going to the flea market. Jacob, have your toast. It's time to go to the gold mine.

Jacob, I used to go to a flea market so I could feel your pain kind of, but I didn't have to work. You would set up a whole area, right? Yeah, I mean, we would, we had to leave the house at 3 a.m. Saturday and Sunday. And then the fan was packed with boxes filled with jackets. So I would sit, I would sit in the, on one of the boxes,

on the top of the, would you, would you rest against jackets? Yeah, you kind of make a, like a whole, one of the boxes. Check on the top of the. Would you would you rest against jackets? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you kind of make a like a whole lounge chair for yourself out of boxes of jackets. Put that on the right back. If it was a good day, if you guys were eating fat off the land, it's probably not allergies today, though. A bunch of them fucking dust boxes. It was the worst.

Oh, God. I hate it. And you had to sell jackets. Yeah, like CPO jackets. What are CPO jackets? Bring those up knock off. Nice, dude. Did you ever get to go run around and have fun at the flea market? Like you know, it was so cold. I hate my whole weekend was working at this fucking flea market.

I hate it. Jake, flea market. How old are you? How old are you? How old are you? I mean, I had to go when I was a kid just because my parents didn't have babysitters. So I just went, ever since I was a boy, but then I worked, I don't know, 10 to 16. Are your parents Chinese immigrants? Where do they get into the sick?

Knuckle Jackets and selling them. Yeah, dude, it's just Jacob's dad fighting in mind with a bunch of Taiwanese women. Yeah, how'd your dad get his hands on his bunch of fucking bootleg shit? He goes, these are my starter jackets! I don't care if it says the Buffalo Bills won the Super Bowl. They fall off the truck. I pick him up, I pick him up, I move him, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep. Yeah, well, Salina might be dead, but a shirt still sells.

Haha. Oh, that's how we got fly. Look at this. Five days a week and then... Michael Jordan washing his own dishes. but a shirt still sells. Haha. Oh, that's what we got. Bye. Look at this. Five days a week and then Michael Jordan, Washington, which is T shirt? Jacob, turn this around. It's a successful challenger launch.

Then happened, but this thing I could sell it. I remember the bars. We have to put together the bars. The I can't remember like the, uh, that they're erectus. Not like the tent. Yeah, but it was so cold at 20 degrees. Your your hand was freezing touching these metal bars.

And you had the key together. Oh, fuck with those little tiny keys. Did you have to do it in the summer as well? Summer went there in the end. So it would you, what were the lie? Did you make company lies about having? Did you just tell your friends you go to the flea market? I had a life. Yeah, I told them I had a

what did you tell? What was your lie? Instead of saying we wrote the flea. Sorry guys, Donald likes it early in the morning too. I got a J. I'm out early. I got to wake up early and give it to this bitch. I saw him a jiggle. Oh, it a pizza shop. Sorry, guys, love to spend Saturday with you, but I am all wrapped up. I'm a lover boy Saturday and Sunday, delivering the sausage. I'll see you guys business hours Monday through Friday. Damn same, people you don't work.

Did you ever run into people from school to flea market or were you the only family at flea market in flea market life? I, the whole time I was there, I think one girl that I liked was. That means everyone heard. It worked there whole time was there. I think one girl that I liked was that means everyone worked there. She worked there. Now nobody knew I existed in high school. So I didn't have to I didn't have the confidence either to lie. I mean, I was zero confidence in the school. But when it when I was noticed, yeah, I would lie about shit I did.

I mean to cut Lou off, but I just he triggered me. No, I'm glad we got there. Yeah, the same cargo van. Damn, dude. Yeah, sitting on a van floor is getting dropped off blocks away. What did you do? What did you do? Like, fuck you guys. Yeah, he was like an exterminator.

So there was like all the chemicals and chips. We were fucking cargo. It was like, you guys in there was like all the chemicals and shit Back up We were fucking cargo Who's like you guys in a box of wrenches? Yeah, it's like those are my three boxes of wrenches. You know the smell of fucking That chemical Shit never get off you. Hey those chemicals are pretty fragile be careful with those containers Also, I got a box of loose ball peen hammers Yeah, and I'm taking the bumpy way. Hey, Will, just sit on that box of roach bodies.

And he would have bug. My roach carcasses. Yeah, we have cages with fucking critters in it. Oh, what kind of critters? We definitely rode the school with a raccoon who wants to fight the fuck up, dude. Easily. Shut the fuck up.

Highest ones in the scary ones. Highest ones in the scary. Raccoons are fine. How is it taking 70 years for us to get here? You're gonna get in the car in the morning. You sit sit there you go over because hey dad is something goes I'm like hey dad you might be stopping me down like go Hey dad I'm kind of stressed about that test on the war of 1812 Oh Jesus it's bearing teeth. Hey, just give it a chunk of cheese it'll leave you alone Hey, yeah, we'll stop by

Possums possums when they grab them by the back of their necks and they're like There's like but you hear me the Kate you're driving to school in the back of the year One of the most things that's one of the cage and just fighting there used to be this old wrestling promo by this wrestler bad news brown and he took a sewer rat When he was wrestling Jake the snake robberts and in the promo he had like a sewer rat is like And I just want to be like what the fuck is that you wrote to school with one dude to fucking loser G That's crazy Lou. Lou. That is the fact that you're as functional as a person You know you get the Lewis award. I'm giving you the Lewis J. Gomez award.

Yeah. For being a person, God bless you rose above. God. So whatever wants to know how you go home for a gay rendezvous with two men, you buy drinks for all night and we don't. Sure. You disappear like a dad who owns child support. Sure.

I've gone to seven concerts yet never watched one with you. That's a far away look in your eye. But these are all minor things for someone who had to ride the school with, with, with fucking, uh, vermin. I'm going to start shaking Will's hand like a vet. I'm going to be like, thank you. Like, raps and shit sometimes? No, no raps.

He, he would get rid of the worst ones, but you couldn't do anything with, with a, with a raccoon. He had a stay. But like, what would you do with the raccoon? Do you, do you think, would you just take it out? Please don't say dinner. Please, I'm begging you to do your things. I would say, my thought was that he takes it out

to the woods and kills it in front of Will and Will. It makes him make it into a hat. Turn to a raccoon hat, you fucking queers. Which ones use, which ones use once raccoon gloves? Excuse me. No, I think he sent them for you in different neighborhoods. That's hilarious. Black black neighborhood you piece of shit You go to fucking bad neighborhoods and release there was a black there's a black family that had no idea where they had a

Possum infestation and it's cuz I lose that Possums here they're showing up by like the threes or fours. I don't even know what's going on. I know the highway ramp Yeah, I don't know get atty little possums and raccoons I had so much of that in my backyard growing up. It was insane. What like critters? Critters. Yeah, possums, skunks. Did you ever get skunk? No, but my cat did. And then you have to all times. Bay them, right? What tomato? You have to keep her outside. That's not really. That's not the answer. She goes, she goes, good ridden. It's the bad garbage. Yeah. She goes, yeah, they get skunk. You gotta kill him. You gotta put him in the cellar.

You put that side down house cat. Well, by by peonchet by petunias, you have to live out here now. I've heard how to ask cats. She was an indoor outdoor cat. Indoor outdoor cats create Garfield's Kat. She was an indoor outdoor cat. Indoor outdoor cat. That's great. Garfield is my cat and he did indoor outdoor. I just fucking watch. So you have an indoor outdoor cat means you don't take care of a cat. That's not true.

It's not true. My mom and Garfield got along. He and I didn't see IDI, but Trish got along with Garfield wonderfully. It's too permissive to do a heat kick. Indoor outdoor cat. When you come back with a wound, you'd be like, damn Garfield, you're out here in the suburban street. So I had to get my cats tail amputated.

That's it got crushed. Oh, this is actually, see, right? Outside cat is a good idea. What, you guys are a little... She was two of them got eaten by wild hyenas. Yeah, she was just craters. Well, two of them got hit by cars. Christine, we're not out cats.

So I'm supposed to get inside the cornhouse cat. It's crazy what you're saying. They love it outside. They do like the outside. The cornhouse cat. It's crazy what you're saying. They love it outside. They do like it outside. They like climbing trees. When we lived across the street from that alternative high school with all the bad girls, bad girls. So, the man said, he used to be a field.

Now it's like a development that's developed. But when I lived there, it was just an empty field. And Garfield to go across the field and then killed Field Mice and bring it to my mom. At the horrific. And then he's dropping it to the front. Not the horrific. And then drop it at the first. Not the function of a cat in the new house. I'm a bring-and-half dead bird.

No! The worst one was my dad's roommate, Jim, had this cat called TC Tough Cat, and it would bring back. It would bring back, like, like, critters from Clay Lake. Clay Trader. Yeah, like, big old moorats and This was the same place they had the shotgun under the couch and I just fucking sleep there now like dude and Jim told me it was Haunted that place was fucked up. I hate it sleeping there if I first time I was like I want to go back to grandma's

If it don't if a pet brought me best you can't brought me back some kind of like half Still sort of alive that more at just not just monster of a thing I'm telling you I immediately have no love for that animal anymore and I want both of them out of my I want that dead I was that car for you. It's a present. It loves you. Yeah, they're doing it as a present They're trying to make you proud. What did you guys grow up in the fucking Texas chainsaw massacre? There's no presence already you guys grow up in the fucking Texas chainsaw massacre? There's no presents already you guys grew up in the high plains. Oh, it was a dead it was a Dead maggot covered carcass of a of a bird good job leather face My dad would make friends with the critters and feed them cat food

I think it's a bad idea. They keep them in like was this way is drinking our cars. Oh, yeah Yeah, that's not the hall of commotion I don't know. Like the hall of the move is where you find so many for fucking, for random, for a failed animal, when you're drugging you go, hey buddy, I got it. I got it. I was driving. I was driving.

Dude, it's so funny. He's just hammering with a half-burned cigarette going, hey, the volume is a hit out sometimes. I'll tell you. If I had described Christine's dad, I would describe Christine's dad as a guy who looks like he's slept triple digit numbers of times in a hammock I love that. I love that. He's got hammock energy. He's got. Yeah He's got definitely spent a lot of time in a hammock energy

He could just fold his hands on his chest and sleep and smoke. Yeah rip a butt probably and like and like Tilted his weird adventure hat down. God bless, dude. That's a real man. That's weird adventure hat. Oh yeah, like a tooth and a turquoise on it. I feel like that could be your evolution. What? Jacket you could add that to your adventure hat. Yeah because of Moon Tower. I'm gonna'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like a fat guy from a walking dead Eugene. No, dude. You're not a fat guy. It's just an adventure hat's not gonna really.

Nah. Being spindly, being skinny does help that hat look. Oh, yeah. You know, Johnny, you know, Johnny Depp rocks the hat. He looks ridiculous, but like in his sir, it's not going to stop a lot of women fucking. There's a guy that doesn't have to lie ever in his life. He's never had the lie once. That was her poop. Oh, why would I lie about that

Johnny Depp? I've never lied once. I've never, it's me enjoyed Washington. That is her poop. I would never lie. I would tell you if it was my poop. It's my poop. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to painting over pictures. Oh, hold on, I have to do my tracing book. I like to trace. Black Lou, what are you?

I have some tracing art to do. Black Lou, you moved around. Did you lie when you moved around as a kid? I did. Two big lies. Both of them kind of took off. Oh no, you don't want, here's the thing. You don't want the lies to take off. I was with the legs.

You want, it's to be a lie that cuts to the core of a group. A group. Yeah. Yeah. Once words started to write. Kids were talking baseball at summer camp, and I told them that I was cousins with Tony Gwyn. Nice. Nice.

I'm the only black kid there. How the fuck are they gonna check? Dude, I would have, I was Tony Gwyn. Uh, Padre. Padre. I'm like, great lie. That's a great lie. You got me.

I almost, I almost wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss that he passed away. Thanks. Tony Gwyn had, he had this voice too. He had the Duff Jam White guy voice. Yeah. And, he had this voice too. He had the deaf jam white guy voice. And then he would just hit 400 in the season. Tony was like, what's the other one that got legs? And but it did take off. It took off at summer camp. Yeah, because kids started asking me questions about him and shit and like, what does he do

with things giving and I keep up with? You were like, just pretty much batting practice turkey. I don't know. He just hit fingers. We just sit in the Throwing baseball. We feel some grounders nearly gone from my mom's famous cranberry sauce You know, I turned two and then it's time for a little, you know Pumpkin pie You know, thanksgiving man with Tony Gwen. Yeah, I'm that's what you figure yams, hams and grants lambs That's what he quit Thanksgiving Who knew off from it Thanks, Gimmie. Who do you offer there?

Yeah. Yeah, it's Brains. Brains, this is the Gwyneth household thing. This is what we do. I'm gonna go ahead and hit a few dingers in the back yard. Why you guys want it for some? You see that? Tink, Tony, you want ice-turning?

Tink, Tink. Yeah, Mop, be in the sack. Yeah. What was the second line? Again, I just wanted to be cool. So these kids were talking about the new Mortal Kombat game that came out late 93 early 94. Yeah, and they asked me like,

Oh, have you have you played it yet? And I'm like, no, not yet. My uncle's still getting me a free game because he works for Sega. Oh, and he actually does work for the Mortal Kombat stuff. I could tell you guys anything. There's going to be like 10 Mortal Kombat games. There's going to be a real easy. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. But I'm actually kind of pro. You have a kind of prolific. There's a kid that's walking around that there's a good chance that thinks that you knew

all of this. Yeah. You knew it. Oh, yeah. Somebody just goes, do you know I'm with the summer camp with a guy who franchised like the whole Mortal Kombat thing? His uncle, his dad was franchising. He said there's gonna be 10 x. That was gonna be the big one. Isn't that crazy? In the two more? Oh, you're a fantastic liar. What's their fantastic lies? Those are such good lies. Those are really good lies.

As a short guy who wants to be with the cool kids dude, you'll do anything. Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to think if I need good life Do you know what I did this is made me think of this it wasn't like an outward line? No, no, but still very weird There were things called candy grams in middle school candy grams are they've been around for like universal right? So you get candy grams for people. What is it? It's a cool candy. I just mean you think. Yeah, someone delivers you candy Candy and then sometimes it's all

and say a song or a reader letter or whatever. Sometimes it's jujude up. And they have to go, yeah, all right, all right. Hey, let's eat and it's your birthday. Here's some candy. You shot it on your face. I'm not attracted to you, but it looks like you want to chocolate.

I'm just curious, you're showing off. Three showing off? I wrote myself a candy gram from my crush thinking that I could trick my older self Wait, what? What is that you try to implant a memory that wasn't there? That's a fucking deep shit Wait some Shit you would of yourself a candy gram thinking that later in life later in life Christine would find it and go

Oh, yeah, Cory sent me this candy Graham And one of the she had a memory she goes that was a really fun summer. We were so innocent Love was love. He sent me a candy Graham Other years looking for excuse to have candy from Cameron chalkers Just shout out to him with chalker dude. Thanks for the great memory Well, I think when they go how can I get candy delivered to my house? Fake it, but I I actually at first I would have thought that was an okay I thought to think it's an even better idea you're trying to implant a fake memory in your head

That's funny. Yeah, I should have done that with birthday cards for my dad. I'm proud of you Everything you do is awesome and I'm like fucking Gary always was there. You were trying to total recall yourself. Exactly what it was. That's what you're doing. You're trying to total recall yourself. Total recall yourself. Thinking of your program it. You know what I mean?

Because Christine, if you're reading this, you're engraved the age of. I remember a lie that I told late middle school, early high school, was I went to a football camp and I told my buddies that one of the counselors was my cousin because he played football at Colorado but he wasn't. We weren't related. Aw. I met him briefly and I was like, I'm going to say you're my family because knowing my family's doing jack shit right now. Well that's the one shitty thing about having a very unique last name though, there's no. Yeah, you can be tied to something like that.

Oh, always, in the lie you always say mom's family. That's good. Yeah, you can be tied to so you know, always in the lie you always say mom's family. That's good. Yeah, made name dogs so Julie though. What can we do? Yeah, well, it wasn't like the Roets or a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. My uncle Barry was, uh, what's his name? Woody, uh, Woody Allen's tissue fetch did. Um, that was a professional title. He's a tissue. Go go go. He just go grab it for it. Yeah, I can get a sneeze. Barry also Blackloo have the right idea, which is lie at summer camp. Because summer camp. Well, I did essentially my my lies were the Oh, yeah, I was gonna be like I'm gonna be living a day to day lie was dad's house for whatever it was two weeks.

When it fat-tit-neal when I went and visited my dad when I was 12. I lied to him and said, at that point I had smoked weed when I hadn't. Yeah, I had smoked cigarettes. I think I just smoked cigarettes. What are that time now? I'm trying to think outside of that thing when I was like a kid in high school. I'm trying to think if I ever lied when I was like a That's when I started kid in high school. I'm trying to think if I ever like wide Sexually, but I don't think I did I think I've ever like

Made to say I did something that I didn't know that's creepy. I think that would be too creepy to feel like Yeah, we fucked and then they're like no, you didn't you like no, I'm sure I'm sure I told a story to that degree Summer at dads with people I meet over there. I'm sure I'm you know I don't know I would assume that I if I was gonna do that did I but I didn't I didn't do that like home base at all I would and I I wonder if we're similar in this circle a small in this I wonder if we're similar in this way I was insecure to the point where I would talk my I would talk my way out of Getting girls and I got stupid. I don't know why you don't talk to me I would talk my way out of getting girls.

I'm like, I'm stupid, I don't know why you don't wanna talk to me. I saw Jay talk himself out of money one time. You can do that. You can talk yourself out of stuff that you want by being like, I don't deserve that. We were joking around about that on Monday with how we promote our shows.

Which now I've decided when I was walking Myrtle today, I was like, we're going big, dude. We're going every time we buy. I swear to you. All I do is win, win, win. Any time we promote the shows. I was thinking of what? Good luck getting a ticket.

I think I'm sold out the rest of that. Dan, I swear to God, I started saying that we'd be pitch each other's thing. And I was thinking myself words, I was like, you know what? It might not be a bunch of times your life. You get to see this high level of talent in the show dance soda duck. Yeah, oh my god. That's what I think like Hollywood comedy store. If there's tickets left, grab them.

Yeah, and I'll tell you, even if you don't want to go, the resale is going to fucking quadruple. And I'm, I'm just going to say this Houston, Houston, Texas, you got a little taste of it in October at Skankfest. Well, now get the full dose. Go to Houston Improv this Thursday through Saturday. I would say buy a ticket on Thursday, buy another ticket for Saturday if you can. I'd say check. There'd be two sold out. I'd say check right now.

The website's probably crashing. Yeah, I heard that the Improv overall as a company had a problem with Jay because of the demand of tickets. It's the best in the world. It's your boy's Jay and Dan. We're both coming to San Francisco. Good luck, Zri. Separate weeks and I'll tell you what. I wouldn't worry about that fault line. I'd worry about all that laughter. Yeah, creating an earthquake.

I'd say there's not enough room, there wasn't enough room in the town for both of us. Dude, we're doing over the top plugs from now on. Get ready. I'm just making that money so those tickets Get in and sag a low off of there. They don't deserve to be on that plot. She that's only for champions People who sell out everything and everything they do is perfect. If you can get it to you. Now, back to how we lied as children because we didn't like who we were. Yes, now back to where I was.

Oh, dude, my head hell and low, just swamped over. I went to elementary, middle and high school with Ricky Henderson's niece, and I was like, it was one of those things where, when she said it at first, I didn't want to believe her, and I was like, it was one of those things where when she said it at first I didn't want to believe her and I was like, your last name is Henderson. And I was like, it all checks out.

And then we went over and then, you know, you found out that she wasn't lying. Yeah, that's funny too. When you, when you think somebody else is lying because they're like keeping up with you. And then there's this true. Yeah, you're like, fuck, dude, you really fucking. So yeah, hand jobs are great, right? Yeah. And you're like, mm-hmm, cool, whatever. It's great right yeah, and you like mm-hmm cool whatever

It's like yeah, they were so hard. I wonder if kids lie as much as as we did when we were kids because I felt like everybody lied Yeah, well, it's hard or now to do like it's there's everyone's got a owning a camera wasn't even a thought in my lifetime as a child do you remember holding one of being like this is I remember when the disposable ones came out. Yeah, I was like camera wasn't even a thought in my lifetime as a child. Do you remember holding one of being like, this is crazy. I remember when the disposable ones came out. Yeah, I was like, cash money. I'll keep one of these in my life, I guess.

And then like when there's any like a school trip, I guess I'll take one. And then you didn't realize that 90% of them were gonna suck because it was like the back of a seat of a bus and a half of your friend's head. Oh, for sure. And then also it was just like, I don't know, I tell you what's the only one doing this isn't that crazy but like

Being a kid I guess at the time that I was a kid you were like an adult creep Because my picture would be like I go oh All you know not saying these words be basically for some reason whatever all the hot girls in school like line up Like sideways like this in front of the thing You know, I mean I'll say I'll get you guys one of these pictures Dude I didn't even have it really like lowering the minigames now. Why don't we lose those tops up lady? I mean what are we doing here? Is anyone else notice that Jason has a 37 year old photographer energy? Get porn photography girl. Oh, what do you want you want to go back and tell your parents?

You couldn't hack it in the big world of modeling? They call your mom in and they go, misokers and we were just a little worried because Jason's diorama set was a casting couch. I guess it got you did. He put a little other couch in. He put a tiny refrigerator for bottles of water and then a shays lounge.

A tiny, if you see, to scale, a tiny little ghetto gag Shay's lounge. A tiny, if you see, to scale a tiny little ghetto gaggers magazine. He's the only fifth grader that is brought in different sexual accoutrements. Oh yeah. I tell you, I try to write a thing one time. I think I actually have pulled it off with like changing names. I wrote about Ed Powers, the Derri W. Tonsky. Who would you like to have dinner with?

To this show. I'll be getting powers. I wrote about Ed Powers, the dirty Debbie Tonsky. Who would you like to have dinner with? To this show? The Ed Powers. Mine was like Hulk Hogan or Jeremy Ronic, because I like NHL 94 on Sega. Probably, this is probably 15 years old. Oh, crazy. You're horned up. Yeah, yeah, man.

And dirty Debbie Tons is what I would come across. That was the most accessible, available porn for some reason. Everywhere, me, it was up in the covers. Same thing. By the way, it's the same exact thing. No, I know, but it's basically like Helmonds Manage versus Best Foods Manage. No, it's, it's, it's, yeah,

it's one just came after the other. Like up and commerce was the follow up. It's the same though, but they're the same thing. It's just Randy West did what Ed Powers did. And Randy West and fairness to him, better looking guy with a much better body. But Ed Powers do. Ed powers is yuck Here's my question. Do you think there is less of a payoff for younger generations now masturbating because it's so accessible?

Yeah, they're just like oh, I want to see boobs. I'm looking at boobs where we hunted for it men and women Yeah, you're desensitized to it for sure and that's why this is like a hack need Arguing at this point, but it's exactly why like If you told 80 year old like you know, like an 18 year old already like I love getting come all over my face Yeah, Jesus Christ. How are you? What yeah? The I remember being like that thing when 18 years old should still kind of be like no Or no, you were even if it gets on there. It's kind of like they're finding out they're like that's kind of hot or whatever they're young to be like It's like yeah, dude fucking rip a fat load on my face

What? What are you talking about? There's also that I this came out years ago a study that Japanese Like younger men in Japan are having harder times blowing loads than ladies Because a porn because they're so used to Facials and like fucking pit shots I cannot leave it in Leave it in god damn it leave it in squirt squirt Look that up though some Japanese study because it's probably I mean when the thought of having a phone at

12 years old and just being like, not a phone, access to whatever to the internet. No, but I'm talking about specifically, a phone that's yours, in your room. Oh, oh, yes, it's a supercomputer. It was, and when you got your own line, the planning I had to do to watch the VHS tapes that I bought, it was a bank robbery.

It was two minutes, you hear that garage door, you hear that heat coming, you better get ready to abandon everything. I couldn't do it. We know Dan has a flip side that I coined. What if you're getting ready to bust? I'm sorry, I didn't mow the lawn. I got splown on my rack too.

So I'm sorry if the grass grew a little long I went out my mom was coming home and I was watching a porn and I was I was I was priming the engine I wasn't gonna jerk off but I was gonna jerk off But I was like getting ready to there's letting the world know what's going on let it breathe a little bit You look a fine one dude. I remember it was I was Remember the scene and I went to hit a jacked in the tape was stuck So I had to run the kitchen and grab scissors and just go like

Just pull it out and just pull the tape and run upstairs. Yeah, dude. I was like man down man down I didn't even get the full jerk on that tape. I was so upset. It was like one of those mix tapes It was called like you know Gonzaga's galore to oh, yeah mix tape. I was so upset and it was like one of those mix tapes. It was called like, you know, Gonzaga's galore too. Oh, yeah. Mix tape, I much preferred. Oh, there's the best. But one of the first like send a dollar will send you a porn tape in the back of a magazine. I did. The tape was just an hour at least probably, but an hour of trailers for porn. But full penetration trailers loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Whenever I got like a vivid thing, an hour at least probably but an hour of trailers for porn but full penetration trailers loved it loved it whenever I got like a vivid thing and they'd be like these other and they would do the the phone lines before but yes but in the but in the advertisement in the trailers they get to it was basically a montage leading up from like them talking her sucking them fucking him coming.

And so you're like, you get it on, like a, like a, like a 20 second piece. You get a little dose. It's great. But did women, I mean, men famously searched out for porn, pre-internet, you were too, you had the internet your whole life, right? No, I didn't get internet until I was about 15.

So did you and your friends when like girls were looking for? Yeah, I remember we had like a scrambly tape and it was like a thing. You never hear about women trading porn but they did. Like art and you know, did they? Yeah, they give each other tapes and stuff. Yeah. I never like used porn if that makes sense until I was like 19. She reviewed it for the local.

But I remember being excited to like porn corner with her team. Yeah, I remember like one girl in my middle school said that her and her friend had like a cinematics movie. Oh yeah. And then give each other that. And I was like, we did that. We did that two years ago.

You dirty slums with cinematics movies. Oh my god Yeah, we need to wait to my time McDaniel and Adam Hill even when you're a shout out shout out that tape from Adam Hill Dude he gave it to us in seventh grade. It was like two Shannon tweed movies and something else and McDaniel had it And I was at McDaniel's house and I was like yo, let me get that cinema X tape and he's like no it's mine He's like Adam Hills. I want he's like, no, it's mine. And he's like, he's like, Adam Hills. I want, he's like, I can let you borrow it, but you can't tell Adam Hill. And then I fucking coveted that thing. I held onto that tape, Shannon Tweed and her big old boobs. I think we got my friend,

shit, rocked. I think we got my friend Ben Jean Trouble because we found his dad's stash of videos. And it was like, uh, he was doing the, uh, the thing where he would record three porno's onto a VHS. Yeah. Like it was like a purchase porn. It was like a transferred porn.

Yeah. And it was like three up three deputy debitants. And I think I slid one out. So you started at hardcore. A good lie. Um, no, but I didn't. Cause first time I saw hardcore porn, I was like, holy shit. So you started at hardcore for lie No, but I didn't first of us all hardcore porn I was like holy shit I don't remember when I saw hard for porn, but I could also but I didn't need but I also didn't need Hardcore point. Yeah, I mean as I encountered it young, but when I was younger I could just easily get off to like

nude pictures. Yeah, that's why you just need to mentally and emotionally be stunted at 14 like me. I've jerked off to nudy playing cards before, you know what I mean? In my life. You're like, I lost it to the same ex movie. You're like, I lost it to the pen as the ink drained off the bikini. But I have gotten to a point where like a bikini picture

will not strike me to jerk off in a million years. It couldn't be the hottest bikini picture. It wouldn't, so I'm desensitized as far as that goes. Sure. But I saw, but when I was younger, I didn't need to see the top. But I saw it pretty young. That tape, oh, so I brought that tape home. I don't know if I asked if I could take it.

Damn. I think because what I remember was, poor Benji, poor Benji. I think he Yeah, and I think like he had to come to us Everyone that was there and do like the guys whoever like took it like Like I need my back my back is dead yelled at him basically I think and it was I think I just played like the like do I couldn't even begin to guess what you're talking Yeah, how old are you?

Dude that was six full hours of dirty Debbie Thompson one take How old are you? Oh 13 okay, yeah, that's that is the that's the most 13 year old move possible is going like No idea Yeah, you guys who ever gave I mean gave, I mean, I felt it too. I definitely felt like, sorry, Benji. We found the playboys really young. My dad had a huge box of playboys in the garage.

And me and my girlfriends were always very interested in those. And found that was a look through it. And then I found my dad had like a really branchy porn magazines under this like cabinet. Oh, that's a weird find. That my cat found. Your cat found? My cat was like playing and like holding something out.

My cat was downstairs murdering a rat. Oh, wow, program was at this gym called the Cherry Creek Athletic Club. Then it became Heartwood Athletic Club, right? Right off chambers in Hampton. Now it's a mosque. Nice. Shut out of Rora. But there was, it was a gym slash daycare center. So I was in the daycare center.

And during the summer, you're like, we were kind of, I don't really know if we were allowed to like run around the grounds, but there was like a, anyways, we were by a bush and a kid found a gay mag in that was thrown into the shrubs. So it's clearly like a suburban dad was probably fucking jacking off, you know, at the gym and then looked at a gay, but dude,

I remember looking at this, and I just remember this one picture, I thought it was so funny because the guy was, a guy was strapped to a table like his arms and his legs, but it was a cartoon. It was drawn. It wasn't an actual picture. And then his dick was against his belly. And I remember thinking that was so funny.

I was like, look at his dick, his belly. And they're like, what is this? And then the next guy, okay. It was like one of those things you turned the page. You're like, yeah, I don't know. First, that's pretty great. We were like fifth grade. I want to giggle my way through it. I gotta tell you I don't know what it says about me at all But like it what's the what's the healthier reaction Dan? Just your opinion

What's healthy reaction to seeing someone just get their duke or stretched open by a weener of another guy? Yeah, well a me versus like kind of laughing and being like, Jesus Christ, it's so way, we're doing like the, oh, oh, oh, oh, turn it off. For us, it was a sliding scale because I think for me it started, what's the healthier reactions when I'm curious? I think it is. I think it can be either or I think laughing at it's,

you think like the, like can't even bring yourself to see this like. For us, for me, I could tell you, I was like 10 and I just remember being like, oh, a weiner, that's funny. And then it like shit got real when you turn the page. You know, that's a lot for a 10 year old. You're like, you all right.

It wasn't like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, we're like, we're like, a weiner and a guy's butt at 10 years old, you're saying? Yeah, we were like fifth grade, yeah. Yeah, that's okay. So I even, at that age, even if I wasn't like, holy shit, I thought it was funny. I think I'd probably feel the group reaction is to go, oh, yeah, there's three of us. And we were like, whoa, that's when the closet

and that's what we became a human centipede. I haven't done anything sexual with a guy ever. I've never had a feeling like that, but it's so funny how little I give a shit about again watching a guy Still kiss a guy in person still kind of like it makes me giggle off it looks weird But I don't okay, you know, I mean you're not against it. No not at all But I'm saying so be in front of me I might have more of like a look away like two guys fucking but a video of it makes me laugh a hundred percent of the time Yeah, and I think it's normal that you can also make you not you know You can be like I don't want to watch this that that's a normal reaction

I think I've never sought out nor I want to what but I'm saying if the funniest thing is like hey throw up Is there a gate? I tell you like you know the gun and the butt things were started all that yeah I just saw it was only fucked it wasn't like a gay porn site was like funny porn site Mm-hmm son of a bitch that was funny funny porn site. Mm-hmm. Son of a bitch. That was funny. Funny porn is a very weird genre to be in. You go, we're doing porn, so you gotta get hard. But we're doing it in a funny way. You're like, I don't know if I can commit this. It might go a little something. Oh, I like this. Oh, I like this.

Yeah. This guy in Minnesota, or was it Minnesota? Fuck all the road dates are blending together. Some guy, oh, and Raleigh, like yelled out whennie the Pooh and I was like, don't do that. Don't do that. Because then you're going to make me feel like an 80s impressionist right turn around. Danz Monkey. Yeah, and then I've made fun of it, but it really, I did the, if Winnie the Pooh is here, probably go a little something.

Or I could like this. Yeah, then I turned around. Fuck you. I was going. Fuck you. You're not gonna do it. Yeah, lying is a kid. I think is, I used to feel so bad about it because my mom was really, I mean, my dad lied to my mom. That's why they got divorced.

So she was like, don't be a liar. I thought a people, when I would lie to my mom, if I had like, God, she caught me. If I have, like, and these are just dumb ones. If I, like, did you do your chores? No, maybe it was, maybe lying is the wrong word for us. Just letting my mom down in general, And these are just dumb ones. If I like, did you do your chores? No, maybe lying is the wrong word for this. Just letting my mom down in general, I just really watched, my mom was young.

I just watched her work just like a teenager's job essentially and taking care of me. I just felt her youth and still, so I felt her thing. So I feel like, damn, pod had forgetting the point I was making. You're talking about lying. Lying to her, yeah, not with someone's lie, but if I let her thing so I feel like damn pot head for getting like the poor I was making a line. Yeah, not so much like but if I let her down I would get like I would just start to solve it. I would have crying confession still or was so bizarre. Oh my God you were such a sweet boy. I was like those I lost pieces of those. I remember there was a he-man. Yeah.

What it is. See if you could find us. you could turn it into like four different things. It was like a red thing. Look at a spider almost, but it was a bunch of arms and a bunch of legs and you could make it. Sure. So the character would change a bunch. Yeah. I hate man figure. It was a mass and I just lost a bunch of the pieces, the arms and just bowing to her and telling her about losing the pieces. She was just said such like, okay, relax. Like, what's the point? And I go, I just know you work a lot. And I said she was just said such a okay relax like what's the point and I go I just know you work a lot And I said she was just young. I just I knew what our rent was probably at like six years old You know, I mean like my new what my mom made just from hearing her

You know, I mean it was like it just sounded like we come in at the skin of our teeth every month Yeah, and I mean she was a young mom So she was so you're actually seeing you're're also a free edge, 25 extra bucks. If you're a food platter dude, fried seafood platters. If you were, you're a perceptive person. You're very, you're good at reading rooms, you're good at reading people. That's why you're awesome comic.

That's why tickets can't be held down in Houston, Texas this Thursday through Saturday. Get the tickets now dude, improv, bigjacombie.com. But you know, when you're even, is there even a possibility there's still a ticket? Try, try begging you to try. Try now. Because if there's an empty seat in the house, that means a person missed out. So you'll be fucking up. And that's going down to comedy store in Hollywood California. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's March 31st. Special guests, a night to remember. I mean, I get, though, I had a show, I guess, if they have to. And then Cobbs, I mean, just come on through. I don't know which 49ers gonna be at the show, but there's probably gonna be Niners at every show. They say they use my comedy as motivation to win, to win, win, win, win, win.

And they stay there. And they stay there. They do. We were away ahead of the game, win, win, win. Up! And they stay there. And they stay there. They do. We were away ahead of the game, by the way, making fun of with the song, because now it's in commercials. Doesn't that feel good? Yeah, it does. Doesn't that kind of feel good when the people catch up to you?

It does. They really do. Trenton Sutter. Sometimes I see stuff and I'm like, to be listen. Yeah. Everyone does that. You know who gets an unfair wrap of that? SNL catches that all the time, because they have stolen stuff, but then also they've Listen. Yeah. Everyone does that. You know who gets an unfair wrap of that?

SNL catches that all the time because they have stolen stuff, but then also they've gotten stuff where people are like, you probably watch this. I've seen a lot of stand-up concepts on Family Guy and something like Far Island stuff before. Yeah, so I mean, we'll get into that later. I'm just saying. Watch your ass. You know, back to you and your mom and those crying confessions,

I understood that because I had an opposite reaction. I wouldn't get emotional. I would be so terrified to let my mom down because my mom I had an older mom. And so what she was is very vocal about the stress she was going through. So my mom a lot of the time was like, I can't fucking deal with this.

I got Alan on my back at work. Your heart would charge me $5 more a month. And then you're coming through with these, you know, and I'm like, I failed a class too. She's like, what the fuck, your father's a fucking drunk light? So whenever I fucked up, I always was like, the way that you were like, I saw my mom's youth, I saw my mom's stress.

So I saw her stressed out all the time. So I was always like, which now I'm learning in my 30s how not to bring that into my relationships personally of being like, is everyone okay? Is there one on our right? You know, like I, you're so programmed. My mom didn't strike me as stressed.

Like at that, you know, then she started having like kids and working at a hospital, so that all happened within my a little bit. Oh, she went back to college when I was 11. But I'm talking about, it was you two for 10 years. Yeah, some of your most formative years. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure you were being my grandparents and stuff.

Sure, you had your grandparents, but I'm saying it was you and your mom. Yeah, so there was this sense of like us, everything you go through, I go through. Right, and it's us. And then you got Gary just getting around in the fucking peripheral. there was this sense of like us, everything you go through I go through. Right, and it's us. And then you got Gary just getting around in the fucking peripheral.

Yeah, Gary's doing everything. Gary's doing, Gary's a peripheral. Nope, my mom though was like, I said, it wasn't like a straight, like she liked her retail job. She dressed me up in a tuxedo and I'd go be a ring bear at the fashion shows. But you know what that is?

She would go drink with her friends. I also think it was like, that's what I find interesting is like, you can follow that and see how you're comfortable like dressing up, you're like you're very comfortable doing that, you know what I mean? Like in your personality. Sure. Kind of how like she wasn't stressed

but you were still like, you felt an emotional weight to it. Oh yeah. But you weren't stressed. So you were still fun, which is like make sense when you know me well, you know that I'm stressed out about stuff that makes no sense. We're like, why do you stress down? And like, there's been so many times where Katie was like, make sense when you know me well, you know that I'm stressed out about stuff that makes no sense. We're like, why do you stress down? I'm like, there's been so many times where Katie was like,

hey, what's up? I'm like, I really don't know. I made up a fight in my head to be stressed out about. And she's like, Jesus Christ. You want to make my mom tear up, ask her whether she loves the story of she was stressing out one day, and I can be asking her to go to the park. That was money. She was was stressing about money stuff.

Was it a reason to run or something? She goes, yeah, she goes, if you can give me a thousand dollars, I'll take you to the park, you know, but like it was like, yeah, just like frustrated mom shit. And I brought over like a, I had a little chew, chew train, we call it piggy bank. Yeah. They had like, you know, some change

and I brought it over to those and goes, is that you can have all of this if it is. Oh my God. Oh, she'll cry if you tell it all now. Oh my God, dude, having a, if you're, because you know the second that line came out, your mom is probably like, I Terry didn't need to say that, you know,

you're like, give me a thousand dollars ago to the park, she's like, I'm chasing it's a good boy. And then you come back with the piggy banks, you're like, what the fuck, what the fuck, this fucking sweet boy? And what's funny about it is, here's what I wonder in my mind.

I wonder if I went and got that piggy, if you always want to buy my own intention. Sure, if you were like, let me stick it back. Was I like if I bring this to or like, I'm gonna put it, it's like, there's not a thousand dollars in here I know but it's like this suggestion to melt her and she's gonna take me to the park I don't know if I was like but to her the story will always be and I just let it be goes

Mama does this make our is your life easy to choo choo drink I don't know what time up you like I just I'm saying no one's sorry if you come on like this Really mom You've been listening to serious exams bonfire New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows, always on Sirius XM!