The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Sweet Sweet Jacob (w/ Joe DeRosa & Jimmy Martinez)

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

Jacob has a bumble date in Florida that ends early & Jimmy Martinez warns women on guys just looking for room and board for the winter.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Hey, I'm Big J.O. Persoon! But I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8pm on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM. Happy New Year, of course, to Black Lou, DJ Lou. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM.

Happy New Year, of course, to Black Lou, DJ Lou, Jacob Christine, and now joining us in studio for the show today. One of my best friends, one of my best friends, one of the world's best friends. The campers, campers favorite everybody. Joe DeRose everybody. Jacob, try to drop a story on us as we're walking into the elevator. I was falling. I was like, I was fucking, I'm a salange knolled this motherfucker.

You just want to have a guy moment like can we just talk? No, everything got up. You know what is, did you know Joe Jackson of the of the bonfire family? Big Jane could have let that happen? No! You perform and you dance and Proud of Jacob tell your story And my T-Dote

So you went on a date in Florida in Florida with a lady you met on bumble. Yeah And did you where did you guys go out to dinner? Did you guys go out to dinner? No, we went up here Florida fancy like an Applebee's or something like that We actually go out we met at a it was like a very nice pier and then we went to a Bar out here so you guys go and you guys have some drinks and then she invited me to go back to her place Oh, really what kind of place she got wait. What did she look like? We're getting too far ahead of us right she was cute girl Dancer's body. What kind of dancer?

Like stripper dancer, no way dancer novel T fat. That's the party dancer. Ballet dancer. Ballet dancer. Yeah, thin tight Incredible toes all fucked up. Yeah, I got those bound feet toes all scrunched. Yeah, yeah, mm-hmm Pussy bald naturally doesn't get enough protein to grow hair. You're still gonna voice like a 12 year old. Yeah Worried about pure bars You got short a short ballerina, which is perfect. Yeah, I like the sound of this She has to be back at the Russian brothel. She works at My eight. There's her knees all tore up for doing high impact dance. All right, so you met a band. She goes, come back to your fucking place.

That's a very cool girl also. Okay, go back to her place. Yeah. She puts on a little ballet music. She put on some music. It's one of the talking for a while, but you know, I'm in a mood. Of course you are

You fucking CK it do you full blown CK did you block a door jack off? You know block a door jack I can not wrap my head around the guy look Weinstein and Louis CK that have the The relaxed attitude to stand in the middle of a living room and beat off with the lights on a floor. I wouldn't do that. On to a floor. On to a carpet. I wouldn't do that home alone.

It's crazy to me that you would do that. I can't do it standing up. I do it. I exclusively do it standing up. Yeah, Dan beats in the shower with his head against the wall yelling at his own dick like dark dick. Get dick and hard, you son of a bitch. Come, you don't deserve it, I hate you. Do you know how funny it is just to jerk off in the middle of a living room

Yeah, just like have you ever no you can I've never presented a beat. I've never been like I've been laying in bed and like pulling on my deck with a girl who's laying in bed. Yeah, look at the girl wants me to have done it Yeah, I was just like sitting in a chair going like watch me do this move I say what I do, Christina. I'm pretty I'm pretty I think I'm being coily Sort of blunt do you put googly eyes on your dick? No, I just I just reached down my Shorts and slap it around a lot And then I I had just it but I also just sometimes by somebody can pull like the like you know my waistband out and be like is this sit around you? And like just kind of you present I just I keep sort of just I don't present I

Continuously acknowledge and almost saying to myself I go you could grab it too if you want Oh, you know how much fun I'm having to knock around this dick you should if you want a knock She's never went for that point. I was like no, no, I just want to hold her. How did she invite you back to her house? She told you to take a long walk off the short pier. Mm-hmm. It was very cold and we're joking about. She was joking about how it was a temperature for hot tea, not during, she sit in and I said,

yeah, yeah, yeah, I could go for one of the, and she said, well, come back to my place for tea. Just, can you tell us a story more in summer 11 style, please? Summer 11. Hey, man. Under the dock. Christmas, love in. Sad.

It was called. You went to Jewish mecca for fucking Christmas. Everyone's getting laid. Yeah, it's like a midget convention. Florida's a chosen people fuck party. That's right. That's the tribe blending it. So you go to this

woman's house. Yeah. Now it's night. It's nighttime. We're in our couch. And then she actually has a door to a little backyard that has a canal. So we just talked around there. She guys are outside. And I went back in Yeah, what music was playing again? I said I don't know some I said put on something nice That's too crazy. Did you say you say oh that wasn't the canal. I was hoping to see Sure, excuse me. Did you just call my pussy a canal? Yeah, yeah, I did Confident Jacob. Yeah, yes, so what if I do? What of it?

I don't know, I'm just wondering why you haven't been over here and all up in it. Hey, do me a favor, I get this complain a lot. Would you tell me is this too big for my size? Yeah. Oh, whatever he is. You're working on my weight. I don't know, I'm working on my weight. Lucky smells food.

You want to give him a mouse? You want to give him a mouse? You want to give him a mouse? Huge car, Jacob! Yes, I'll look at you. Look at you. Look at you. When you go back in the apartment, do you go to the living room? Where's the owner couch at this point? Drinking the tea.

Drinking tea. Did you say this stupid, you did you go, I'm not hitting on you. This belt buckle is just fucking taken in. I kind of feel like I just under the doll. I'm not being sexual. I kind of feel like I just under the dome. Don't make it, it's not my not being sexual. I'm not being sexual. I'm kind of like you, what you've described, like you have to put up a neon sign,

but I figured you invited me to your apartment. Yeah, that's a pretty big sign. Yeah, it's a big sign. But then she had a, she did have a cold, but we, anyway, I'm trying to get this go. She goes, she goes check if I suck her dick up, but it's not. She goes literally, I will trying to get she goes I thought she goes check of a vassal could pick up a die

She goes literally I will not play a book. What says a lot about The germaphobe. I mean I wouldn't even care. Oh, that's how horned up you yeah Germaphobe I'm cared So you so she's got a little bit of a cold she does so but I started like you were about to give her a little bit of a warm When you're sitting on the couch do you feel like I got a you got to make a move gotta make a move. I have to make a move. I do just start kind of like put my hand on her leg. Gently, like, dropping her leg. And then I got my hand on her back. Oh, did you leave her kiss? I didn't. Because then she did something like she said, do you? I think now she's getting a little gun shy. Okay. And so she said, do you think now she's getting a little gun shy? Okay, and so she said did you have this thing I want to show you girl. Let me

I have this girl wants to get corn. What you want to show you a massage or but it was it looked like she pulls out a whisk Yeah, those are great those things without they're basically it looks like a whisk with the tip of the time You never got to do a Spencer's. It feels amazing. I've never experienced one before. Oh, that's all you were talking about. He said, I have no idea. So she whisked.

So she pulled that out and she starts whisking the top of my head on the couch. Yeah. They feel amazing. We have one on my house. I'm sold. So then I said, you know what? I'm going to take this and I'm going to whisk her.

So I get it. You say that to the whisk? No. Sold so then I said, you know what I'm gonna take this I'm gonna whisk her I can say it you say that to the whisk no Internally, that was my internal monologue So you take it off your head. Let me try that now Wait, can you turn around just remove so if she's if you're her For pretend there's no chair Yeah, like it's just my back and you know. You're chest to her back. Dude, I'm like pushing up daddy.

Pushing my, my bone. Back your dancing really close. So, feel it, a little poke coming through. I've got my hand around her. On my breast. On my breast. No, on her flat. On her back fat?

Stomach. You're on her stomach. Yeah, so you're on her stomach. Yeah, we'll get over here. Get over my stomach. Back over next. Yeah. And I'm whisking the top. Oh man. I'm spotty. I get what? Oh, that's my spot. J. Go. After that. Yeah. I'm chubbing the fuck up over here. Exactly. That goes. You'd even tell me you told me you bought some tango ray if you was coming over.

That goes on for a little while. She kissed her neck. Does she moan or anything? Yeah, you kissed her neck. She's getting into it. She's getting into it. Then you spin me around? We kinda stuck her. She said, look, I really like you. I want you to come back Thursday because I'm'm just sick right now I'm gonna get you sick but so she invited me back show me what you did afterwards you're getting there but though she's still sitting in front of me but she started it was getting a little further along she started like rubbing my leg yeah and this is when things went wrong. Oh, what happened? Because that was all. Things went wrong. Not wrong, meaning, all right, I had an accident.

What? You chiseled in your pants. That was you did. I didn't want to. You creamed in the kitchen. From like rubbing. From Jacob. She rubbed your leg and you pop Jacob Jacob. You know, I mean weird it was like progressing so she was did was it over the Ants man? I specifically told you guys in the fucking elevator. This is what a team player I did not want to tell the ending of the story I tell us the best part of the story. Yeah for the air but I. But I have questions, Jacob. Was it an old man? Does America need to hear this? No.

I'll tell you this. There's a guy in a tavern here. It's a shitty day right now that just heard that and you made his day better. He feels better about himself. Yeah, because he didn't get me to pop off and so quick question. Does she give you an open-air pants now? No, if you never touched my face, you're skittin'. She had said, yeahstands get it all out of your

system yeah you already got it out of your system I feel so bad it is you have to understand something it is the police equivalent of someone going boom and go I never had I'm not saying I didn't pop off early in a but not to that experience She got what she got a fuck? Not no she invited me back She she invited you back to fuck probably you invited me back to her apartment. She did come back Did you end up fucking or I didn't I couldn't go over she know the other time did you know about the come no because she had said you know we should stop because I honestly got him getting sick I am sick and I don't want to get

you sick but that happened and and then I said you know what you're right we should stop but you know in reality I My Was like a pancakes worth like You're calling this like a full shot you didn't fucking come come like We're like when you took it off was there was there a dime I don't really want to get in specific baby you are so god

Or was she says she gets do you want to come back through this thing is I'm so I'm so not proud of myself You're a fucking your champion What do you mean? I don't feel it right now you figure're figuring me some girl on the docks. You're gonna fuck her that night. Listen, yeah, I had an opportunity to go, look, I could have, why don't you go back? I didn't. Why don't you pursue it on Thursday? I don't know why I didn't because I was almost embarrassed, even though she didn't know.

I don't know why I was, like I had an opportunity. She's like glint in your eye. Did you have a stain on the front of your pants? I had a, I think I put my coat on too fast to check I mean I didn't stand up because you know, all right. We should we should stop now because this is just gonna What was it like you when you pre-come a little that's what my question is You're trying to get me out. You're trying to give me an out right now. Yeah, I know they are Is that gonna be angry to make me angry to give me an out right now. Yeah, I know they are. Is that gonna make me angry?

It's making me angry, they're giving you this out. I care about you and I understand of how fucking embarrassing this is that she is. No, I was like, I was like a little bit of a pre-geist. Like, no, no. He fucking popped off. She went, I like your jeans and he went, ah!

Ah! Ah! You know my track record is slow, so I think it was just, you know, I'm like, I'm over excited. I don't know what your load's like, so it's all for me load. Yeah, we were so fascinated with Let's talk sauce Jacob are you presto or rego

Is it a potato we talking like a fucking tea latte? Yeah, it looked like you got it. It did didn't it melt an ice cream in there. I don't know why I told I don't know Why I went through with this awesome because you're awesome you're you're a fucking world class right here Cuz you want to let us know that you got a fucking hot ballet chick and you came in your pants Yes, you do I came I came out of my pants once like a bunch of times back in the day. Yeah, dude, I used to come in my pants all the time. The dryness I've never ever come in my pants. And I wish I've come in my pants. I've dry humped. I've dry humped myself to come in my pants and that clean up is. No, why you said your problem though? I used to gizz too fast.

Joe's been a problem or a... I don't know if I could sit or a chronic problem or just a right Guarantee if you got a girlfriend and you started having sex within With I think that's my problem. Yeah within a month you would be much better Jimmy Martina's our first time on the show I'm in the whole new zone new yet, but ain shit really new, but I'm just taking a whole new persona and approach especially when they come to pretty bitches now. Okay.

I'm into taking shit to pretty bitches' cribs now because I was afraid to. I didn't want her to really know that side of me. What now? What got you past that? You know what, it's like, I really need to know if you'd like me now. So dropping a hot shit at her house

is gonna really fucking draw the line in the sand. Facts. Yeah. Facts, especially if they got a studio apartment. Oh, you know what I mean? I like the concept of what you're saying and I mean it, the actual... Just breaking that... The seri-

The sentiment behind it. I don't know, and Christine, actually, for the first time... Very pretty young lady. For the first time, Christine told me this year was a year. I really started like farting around her more No, and it made me feel terrible like she doesn't like it Christine you don't like it It doesn't feel very sexy, but it's fine. We live together Do you want what do you want them to do to hold it and go on the other room? I don't I honestly

It's like I want me comfortable in home home But I will now fart away from her real talk right now every mother fucking guy is giving out their best sex Especially motherfuckers that don't have shelter Permanent shelter during the winter right now ladies is getting prime dick This is for niggas because you don't know what these niggas is out here looking for. You don't know if this nigga want to cope. I know a nigga that's dating the O.T. A old timer right now because she's about to buy him a $600 mormont.

I swear to God. I swear to God. This is a fact. This is a fact. Getting a mormont. The best part. This is the truth. This is the truth.

I swear I'm not going say I'm he's not listening But I'm not gonna say his name. I'm not gonna say his name, but he he know who the fuck I'm talking about And I know the people that know who I am that's on it. It's not smoothie. It's not Okay, go ahead damn, but I'm saying that you're fucking for shelter is a powerful motivator Yo my name is it because they know they get the pins on their freezing their balls off tonight. It's a good fuck good enough that she's gonna want to fuck more tomorrow.

Yes. Yes. It's your fuck has to be an investment in yourself. Yo, dawg, I used to be that nigga, dawg, I used to pay rent with my dick, B. Really? I used to be that nigga, I used to. I never thought a girl would,

but would you find a girl that was like that you weren't a trade It was a bumper donkey. Yeah, it was a bumper donkey It's a take with a fat ass that isn't that cute. That's got a section a department that you could you know You can help out with the bills. It's only $37 a month, you know what I mean? Do your part help or you know carry the groceries when you go bust that wick, you know, 40 bucks a month and you fuck a Chubby ugly chick and you get no Let me tell you some niggas out here. They know a lot of niggas had to fuck ugly for money before being oh Did this exact move for a while?

See black Lou I this my first time meeting you and you know, yeah, black. No I just moved in a state for it. Oh, well, I wouldn't have Don't know about that. No, he was looking to get out. He was looking to get out and a chick hooked you up, right? He gave her that bus ticket. You know what? You know what when you when you have to find shelter You cannot be picky bro But my question to you is after once you found shelter, and you've stayed there and you've digged her well enough, to have a home, to have a license,

to an address, a mailing address, at what point? Yes, that mail-in address is key. You know, first time I got a letter, I felt like I felt the home. Yeah, it's a notoriety on your dick. It really is a column before the storm though. Oh yeah, and then it's a no it's a no writing on your fucking on your dick it really is a combo for the storm though oh yeah and then it's like that's that's not that's my that's exactly where I'm at what point does the energy behind the dick lose when do you lose speed off your fastball when she's

watching you when she's watching you try to and looking at other women I'll tell you exactly when especially for any woman that's listening to this show, that you know when they just dig start getting soft, when that weather start to break. Late spring, probably summer, they get digs are get real mediocre dog. You don't sleep outside again. They start arguing it's over bullshit. Bitch, you didn't bring back no drugs, you pe no crunchy peanut. You know how much a hammock is $9. Oh, bitch. You fucked up. Don't you fuck up on beach season?

And yo, you know, I like my kines cook paul. Yeah, I love a sea breeze while I sleep I can go out to the ocean right now Only one the beach bitch watch these niggas right now ladies game right you don't know what these motherfuckers is in your life for During the winter time Jimmy I He goes the days are getting longer and our fuck sessions are way It was it was coming to a point with the bumber donkey where I used to watch porn and jerk my dick off to like I'm ready to come and go in the room. Yeah come here, come here, I'm ready. Let me tell you something about that. I know Jimmy would do it because one day you'd see Jimmy would get picked up by a girl or something like you know but it would be

always be hilarious like a like a Dodge Neon or something and then two weeks maybe you see Jimmy pull up in the Dodge Neon without her. Yeah, what's up? I got so fucking funny. I got her Dodge Neon He'd be with the Dodge Neon without the girl And I'd be like, you know what, you're like, you're like, oh, did you want to go up to the comic strip? He's like, no, I gotta go pick her up in the phone company. That's so much better. Hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire.

You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM 95, or on demand on the Series XM app. Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. social media at the bonfire at SXM.